The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 10: Pulling Skids Outside the Butchers
Episode Date: August 7, 2017Pete's been blowing up 'a surprisingly small amount of Hartlepool' with a make-believe nuclear bomb, Luke's talking about riding bikes in the 1980s a la Stranger Things, and the boys ruminate on etiqu...ette when riding in the back of a taxi.Meanwhile they discover a real-life Tyrion Lannister, hear about a man who cleans his petrol station forecourt with a popular soft drink, and find out why lions are confused by chairs.Holler at your boys: hello@lukeandpeteshow.comWe. Love. You. Mother. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Right.
Welcome to the Luke and Pete show.
It's episode ten. We've got a ten.
Double figures.
Double figures, baby.
Ten out of ten.
And I'm still on those tablets that make me feel a little bit sleepy.
How are you doing, though? You all right?
I'm all right. Hopefully you won't be on them pain pills for too much longer.
No, I'll be all right, I reckon.
Point of order before we get cracking. Okay.
The singing that some of you may have heard
at the end of episode nine. It was beautiful.
It was my singing, but it was courtesy of Pete Donaldson.
Can I just clear up a few things
about that? Right. Which is chiefly one thing.
That happened, I was singing because
Pete has got
a habit of, he's got,
you're a bit OCD-ish. Yeah. And you've got a habit
of saying, right, yeah, we'll just get cracking. Hang on a minute, I've just got to go and do something. Can you disappear
for ages?
Well, no, I had to go, what did I have to do? I had to do something Shaw-related.
But anyway, you've got a track record. It's not a criticism, I'm just saying, I spend
a lot more time sat in here on my own, and it was recordings, so I thought I'd just sing
you a little song. I did not think you were going to include it. I thought it would be
a joke that you said you were going to do at the end of the last episode.
This is my opinion, this is my take on this you insisted on putting
that in you're such a you think your voice is all that and a slice of apple you're such a little
bitch yep yeah well it's back to uh luke and pete show uh if you want to get involved with the show
as always it's hello at lukeandpeachshow.com that's how simple and unalloyed it is to reach
out and touch us guarantee there'll be no singing this week chuck us a penny well you can't you
can't put the future can't put the future chuck us a penny yeah what would you mean penny for your
thoughts okay yeah that was too low again every single week it's been again too loud it's one in
the middle and it. It's Ben!
Thank you.
It's a little bit better, isn't it?
It's like what happens is...
I may as well do it myself.
A week passes and you reset yourself.
One week on.
Me fingers forget.
It's muscle memory.
We have to do this every day or not at all.
I know what you mean.
So one week on.
Last week we talked a bit about Roadkill,
a bit about Dunkirk, the movie.
Lots of people get in touch saying they enjoyed that movie too.
What have you got this week, Peter Donaldson?
Well, I'm going to take a leaf out of Ben Stoddart's book, basically.
What I've been doing this week is he has sent me a HTTPS link.
Okay.
Secure.
Yeah.
It's always nice to see that S at the end.
Yeah.
Always nice to see that little lock on the end.
Some places won't even...
I think I'm right in saying Google on the iPhone, Google Chrome.
If it's no got an S, you ain't coming in. They don't let you do it.
Nah, I think sometimes if it's got a reputation of being a bit murky, a bit moody, it gives
you that sort of red screen where it goes, do you really want to go that far?
Yeah.
And then you've got to click about three times and say, yeah, I do.
Now, my Google Chrome says, it doesn't give you an option to continue, it just leaves
you at the bottom saying, back to safety.
No, no, there will be another hyperlink somewhere.
Oh, okay, right.
Because you are the master of your own destiny.
Okay, right, thanks.
And if you want to mess up your computer, it's your business.
Yeah.
So just click about, click about the place.
I'm talking about mobile, but it doesn't matter, carry on.
Listening to episode four, this is from Ben Stoddart.
Episode four?
Yes.
Whip, whoo.
Ben Stoddart, a man with a dark heart, listening to episode four,
the history graduate inside me got a little excited
by the Tsar Bomb.
Oh, yeah.
That you mentioned.
Tsar Bomb, yeah.
And reminded me of a website I spent far too long
wasting my time on while at university.
Given you sounded genuinely interested
by the scope of the bomb,
you should check out this website.
Now, I wasn't genuinely interested
in the scope of the bomb.
Luke was positively priapic with excitement
about the whole destructive element of that particular bomb.
I find it fascinating the same way, you know,
Alan Partridge finds, like, death fascinating.
I'm a bit like that, really.
I'm a bit like, you know, in the episode of Alan Partridge
where Michael starts talking about killing people in the army
and people burning in a tank.
Our lives are so far removed from that.
It's fascinating, isn't it? Yeah, exactly.
Nuclearsecrecy.com
forward slash nuke map.
Oh, I've seen it. Right. It does like
a chronological graphic of every
bomb and where in the world it was sent off.
Not exactly. Oh, okay.
Basically, you can detonate
all kinds of famous bombs wherever
you fancy. I haven't seen it,
but I'd bloody like to that is brilliant you
can type in a postcode a place of interest uh i don't know it should be illegal i mean that should
be illegal but i mean basically all these famous bombs from the lowliest terrorist dirty bomb to
um the smallest uh us bombs for example the davy crockett bomb was a particular favorite of mine
to the um largest the bizarre bomb that you were talking about the 100 megaton whatever the you know czar bomber the big the
big the big the big daddy and how much yeah i mean i saw you could basically type in a postcode and
it lets you know how big the immediate uh bomb would be how much it would just liquefy effectively
how much the uh how much fallout after that and how and how many people would die in the weeks and months after that.
Okay.
It gives you body counts, it gives you distance,
and it shows you all on a great, easy-to-read Google map.
I'm interested. I have to be honest.
It really is something else.
So I let off the smallest bomb on the list,
which is the Davy Crockett bomb,
the first and smallest nuclear bomb.
That's so you, Pete.
Everything you do shows a chronic lack of ambition.
I just wanted to see how...
Yeah, well, it's not about getting a big one.
It's good.
Oh, well, you know, that's killed everyone.
Let's see the smallest nuclear bomb produced by the US.
And I let it off directly above the house I grew up in.
Oh, my God.
You are Michael from Alan Parkland.
And it would have taken out just my street
and each one either side, Belmont and Arncliffe.
And this is a nuclear bomb?
Yeah.
It's a really small one.
Emon Gardens was where I live,
but Arncliffe was one side and Belmont was the other.
And it would have taken both out.
So in my case, it would have destroyed Vale Grove,
where I grew up,
taken out Shalbourne Road next door,
and the other side, Rossay Road.
The shop at the end of my street, not just cheese,
that would have been contaminated with radiation,
so you wouldn't want to have eaten any of those cheeses.
There's certainly Not Just Cheese now.
No.
Well, actually, I've talked about the Not Just Cheese shop.
It started off as a cheese shop called Just Cheese,
and it sold surprisingly middle-class goods
like fancy coffee from, I don't know,
whatever fancy coffee comes from.
Columbia, maybe.
Yeah.
But, like, fancier coffee than that,
and also nice cheese as well,
in a very working class street.
What, in the 80s?
In the 80s, yeah.
And then they realised that that wasn't very successful,
so then they renamed themselves Not Just Cheese,
and sold, like, ice cream and stuff like that.
Again, went out of business, I think, so...
But it would have...
If I'd have, you know, let off that bomb,
it would have been gone, decimated.
The new Domino's pizza would have been saved, though.
Can I just, you know,
because I flew up on a shop at the end of the street,
one end of my street I had a terrible, terrible
knitting shop called Andy Crafts,
as in the name, Anne.
Anne.
Dee.
Crafts.
What's her name?
Anne Dee.
I don't know, I never went in there.
That would work.
Yeah, probably would.
That closed down for no business,
turned into a house.
Right.
The other end of the street, there was a little uh place called the broadway number of different shops there um including a butcher's with a really highly strung butcher
who we used to like one of his many sausages exactly maybe it's strung too many uh too many
joints of pork or whatever uh we we rode, we used to ride up there on our bikes,
pull massive skids outside his shop.
Yeah.
Pat your knackers on the dustbin lid.
That's such an 80s joke.
No, and then when he ran out after us,
just try and leg it, like, cycle off as quick as we could.
He's been doing stranger things.
Like a shit stranger thing.
Steady, steady, steady.
All right, what, your biggest crime,
your crime that annoyed this butcher so much
was pulling a skid
outside his
outside his
he didn't like skids
outside his house
at Aslo shop
welcome to Hawkins
Indiana
it's like Stranger Things
but anyway
one time
a couple of my mates
got caught
and he confiscated
their bikes
did he jam a
a cabano sausage
through the spokes
he didn't have those
sausages in the 80s
alright
I'm trying to think
of the most
well like an old
lamb shank
did he jam it in the spokes but do you know what he. I'm trying to think of the most... Well, like an old lamb shank.
Did he jam it in the Sporks? But you know what he said?
He said,
if you want your bike back,
send your dad up here.
To me,
that's just a marketing plan
to get people in the shop.
I can't escape bikes.
People have to come in.
He's a bike stealer.
Yeah.
Fascinating.
There you go.
Why was he so angry all the time?
I don't know.
I can't even remember his name.
I didn't get to know him that well.
Carry on with your...
I'm not surprised.
He's too busy doing skids outside his place of work. Carry on with your Davy Crockett. Well, no. I just't even remember his name. I didn't get to know him that well. Carry on with your... I'm not surprised. He's too busy doing skids outside his place of work.
Carry on with your Davy Crockett.
Well, no, I just blew everything up.
I blew a surprisingly small amount of Hartlepool up for a bit.
The sixth form college playing fields, stay away from there for a bit.
Yeah.
That's definitely fallout zone.
But other than that, yeah, it was fine.
So you lived that close to the sixth form college?
Yeah. It was the Sixth Form College that...
Who's the one who directed Blade Runner?
It was Ridley Scott.
Ridley Scott went to college there.
Did he?
They don't fucking shut up about it.
I bet they don't.
We had loads of visitors that used to visit our school a lot,
one of which was...
Who's the fellow with the little hand who used to do tricks?
Stunts.
Oh, Jeremy Beadle.
Jeremy Beadle.
Yeah.
Him.
Right.
He visited.
And for every person who visited,
our most talented art teacher, Mr. Carlos,
an incredible artist,
would do a beautiful oil painting of whoever visited the school.
So you'd get this beautiful oil painting of Tessa Sanderson
and Jimmy Samwell.
Sir Jimmy Samwell. Sir Jimmy Sammel.
Sir Jimmy Sammel. And a couple of others. Who's that big fat guy who got found to be
a wrong-in as well?
Stop asking me questions.
Cyril...
Oh, yeah, Cyril Smith.
Cyril Smith.
Yeah.
They had to build an extra big chair for him because he was such a fat little bastard.
I almost said Cyril Sneer then.
Cyril Sneer.
From Raccoons.
From the Raccoons.
Sheer, Cyril Sheer.
What's that? What's that crazy crazy noise what's that noise is that that
is that that russian radio station again i don't know it's gone now could be couldn't it i have no
idea what that could be or what it was um the only notable alumni of um of the school i went to either
through students or teachers is i think um gordon sumner aka sting that's pretty good there for a
while i think as a teacher for a little bit, so comment there for a bit.
Oh, whoa, steady.
Hang on.
So he taught there.
I think he was a teacher for a bit, yeah.
So that was where the
Don't Stand So Close To Me song came from.
I don't know that.
Because of the sexy Luke Moore
trying to get off with Sting.
It wasn't in my ear.
I'm very certain.
But he's actually from your neck of the woods,
but he taught down there.
Yeah.
And the other one was Keith Allen.
Right.
Louis Allen's father.
He was also done.
Man of the Groucho. Yeah. Did he do Park Life? Vindaloo. No, it's Phil Daniels. V. Right. Louis Allen's father. He was also... Man of the Groucho.
Yeah.
Did he do Part Life?
Vindaloo.
No, it's Phil Daniels.
Vindaloo, that's it.
Anyway, there we go.
So who got in touch with you originally, Matt?
Ben Stoddart.
Thank you, Ben.
Cheers, Ben.
You're a sick man.
I will definitely take a look at that.
It's great.
It is.
It's HTTPS.
The S is important.
Yeah.
Secure.
Call on forward slash forward slash nuclear secrecy dot com forward slash nuke map.
I think that's what the internet's for in a way, isn't it?
You just have a look at what would happen.
I can't do this.
What would happen if I did?
Yeah.
That's what the internet's conceived for.
I can't do this.
No.
No.
All right, so for my...
Thanks for that, Ben.
For my one week this week, I want to talk a bit about...
You know, last week I said about how I feel like I'm getting older
and I start buying clothes just for function rather than style and stuff
as you can probably tell Pete by looking at me.
You're wearing a barrel this week.
Yeah.
Very functional and you do smell of sherry.
Yeah and I've got, yeah.
Nice.
You don't know. One of the things I've started doing, I don't know if you do this, is, it's
a bit shameful really, but if it's raining quite hard, and by the way, I'm not someone who's,
I'm not, I hope you'll agree with this, Pete,
I'm not a naturally lazy person.
I do exercise quite a lot, I run, I go swimming,
sporty, all that sort of stuff.
But I have started to get a little bit exasperated
with the public transport in London.
It takes too long, it's a pain in the ass,
it's really hot in the summer,
if it's raining, I'm not interested.
So what I've started to do
is I've started to get Ubers quite a lot.
Okay, what, in your daily life, just get them around?
Well, for example, the other day I had a couple of meetings and I was in Old Street for one
of them and they had to get to Waterloo and I thought, I'll get an Uber in 20 minutes,
it's going to cost me a tenner. I'm just going to do that.
And also, to be honest, in rush hour, that's probably what a travel car's going to cost
anyway, a tenner. Quite. But the other thing, another reason it started... in rush hour, that's probably what a travel car's going to cost anyway.
Quite.
But the other thing,
another reason it started...
If there are any black cab drivers
listening,
you're going to be...
Fuming.
You're going to be
persona non grata.
Yeah.
Who would have thought it?
You rip off people
for years and years and years.
Something comes along
and you don't like it.
Anyway,
no,
I'm not going to get into that,
but it also started
because Southern Route
was so bad, right?
Sorry,
I'll have to get into it. Anyway, but what I wanted to talk to you into that, but it also started because Southern Route was so bad, right? Sorry, I'll have to get Uber.
Anyway, but what I wanted to talk to you about, Pete, was Uber etiquette.
Right.
The etiquette of being in the back of an Uber, because I've heard lots of people say stuff like,
oh, Ubers are great because it's essentially like your own car, they drive it for you.
You can choose the air conditioning temperature, you can choose the song stuff on the radio. That is where I end.
Like, fair dues, if you're too hot
maybe ask him to, you know, turn
the air conditioning on. Don't abuse the
aux cable. I feel bad though.
Why would you inflict your music upon
the person who's driving it? Who the hell
do you think you are? But sometimes they offer.
Whether they offer or not, don't
do it. Have you ever done an Uber where you've got
an Uber exec by accident? Yeah, where you've got an Uber exec by accident?
Yeah, I've also got an Uber pull by accident as well.
That's terrible, isn't it?
It's pretty unspeakable.
Yeah, Uber exec, you get, like, bottles of water in the back
and all that sort of stuff, and a USB charger and everything.
I bust my neck, and I was just in agony.
Like, proper, like, crying agony.
Like, I was actually crying.
Wish I'd seen it.
Wish I'd seen it.
And I was like, I'm not going to call I'd seen it wish I'd seen it and I was like
I'm not going to
call an ambulance
even though I
I just couldn't move
I called an Uber
oh there's a lot of
speed bumps in London
I tell you what
I was screaming
what did the guy say
I was screaming
the guy was lovely
but I was like
did you explain
did you explain to him
what was wrong
well someone rang me
at the time
probably like a kidnap him
well you know I was basically going to A&E at St Thomas'.
I was like, you know.
Okay, I'm going to give you some Uber scenarios.
Right.
Just again, off the dome piece, like I said last week.
I just thought of this.
And I want to know how you would react to it.
Okay.
So you get in an Uber.
It's late.
It's midnight.
You've had a few beers.
To the point where he could probably smell it on you.
Yeah.
And it's really hot.
Right.
What do you do?
Do you A, take your jumper off,
B, open the window,
or C, ask him to turn the aircon on,
or all of those things?
If I'm drunk, I'm usually deep in conversation with the driver
about what part of Iran he's from.
That's what I'm usually doing.
But I would probably take off my jumper first
before I asked him to do anything.
Is that because you think if I get him to turn the air con up,
it's going to affect his fuel efficiency?
No, it's smart.
It's just going to, like, that's his little house.
That's his little house for the day.
He's got to spend a lot more time in there than I have.
But if you're absolutely boiling you're
sweating yeah what are you going to say to at some point to put the aircon on uh it's never come up
i've just i will just take my jumper off before i i probably would just sit and sweat for a little
while okay well okay i don't like i don't like telling i don't like being served upon i don't
like being waited on i don't like i don't like that kind of thing you're paying i know but still yeah but still okay what about this not been enough you get in and he is playing
absolutely pumping techno music at ear splitting volume um do you let him carry on or do you just
stop just like can you turn it down please uh again yeah i'd probably stick with it i'd probably
just let him get on with it i'm a walkoverover, let's not forget. You wouldn't say anything?
No, I wouldn't say anything.
It's his car.
It's his car.
I'm getting in it.
Did you read the other day?
I chose to do it.
What part of the reason I'm asking this is because...
And I always mark them, whatever they do,
whatever heinous crimes they perform,
I always give them five,
except I was in Pensacola,
and a man described gay people as rainbow people,
and so I marketed now for that. Would you give him a four? I'd give him a four. You re. Right. And so I marketed my outfit.
Did you give him a four?
I gave him a four.
You renegade.
I gave him a four.
You've got to be careful.
They give passengers ratings, don't they?
Yeah.
Do you know what your rating is?
Yeah, mine's 4.55.
That's not too bad.
Yeah, it's all right.
But apparently that's still not too great.
All right.
There's a lad that I know who's got a reputation of being a bit silly sometimes
and he's got a 4.1.
I was like, that's dreadful.
That is dreadful.
I think mine was 4.7 or something.
Did you see, because I read in the newspaper the other day,
I think it was in Australia,
a guy got an Uber,
and the Uber driver picked up a prostitute while he was in the car.
What? Hang on, what he got?
So the Uber driver's driving along.
Was it an Uber pool?
No, it was an Uber.
Okay.
Guy calls an Uber.
Imagine this, right?
I'll put you in the scenario.
Yeah.
Gets in the back of the car.
Uber driver's driving along.
Yeah.
Stop.
Couple minutes later, he pulls over.
Picks up a prostitute, right?
The prostitute apparently starts kissing him
at, like, traffic lights and stuff.
And I'm butting in his trousers.
At which point, the prostitute says,
right, I'm getting out.
Just drop me off here, I'm getting out.
And complains to Uber
and Uber like
oh sorry about that
gave him like a free trip or something
yeah
if you imagine that
that was again
would you say something again
that would test you to the limit
that would
that would test you right to the limit
I'd be like
do you
I yeah
but I would say
are you husband and wife
I would be very
far bit for me
to impinge upon the sanctity of marriage
I know
yeah
oi oi got a prostitute, four stars.
Because I think now you can give people advice.
Don't pick on sex workers while you're working.
You can give, like, comments, can't you now?
I'll never do that, I can't be bothered.
Anyway, that's one week.
Oh, well, there we go.
Shall we do emails next?
Let's do emails next.
Let's do the...
No!
Well, let it finish now.
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Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate.
Pipe down, Pete.
I told you never to argue with the customers.
Oh, yeah.
They can't really be customers,
because they don't pay, do they?
What do you mean?
Well, the people listen.
No, they don't.
They pay emotionally.
I argue...
That's true.
They pay in many ways.
I argue with the listeners more than you do, anyway.
Yeah, you do.
On the show.
Yeah, you would get a 4.1.
I would.
But then I pick up sex workers while we're doing the...
There's one in the corner right now.
Hello, Trixie.
How are you?
Trixie.
That's the name, isn't it?
That's the name.
Trixie, yeah.
Because we all live in true romance, the film that you mentioned last week.
But, yeah, I don't really argue with people on social media.
I don't really do social media much anymore.
You used to argue with people.
I used to, but I think that's what I don't now.
You are a trippy flipper when you want to be.
Yeah, I don't really do social media much now. I just retweet
people, to be honest. I retweet what we're doing.
That's it. Anyway, it's not really
a loss to the internet at large. Do you want to do an email
first or shall I do one first?
Their performance in the markets just went right
down. Doubtful. Did you see
that Twitter were actually hoping for
this is quite a weird one. This is a while ago now,
but I remember reading about it. When Donald Trump was voted, and we still hear
politics on the show, we still hear football and politics.
Do we? What?
I'll probably didn't tell you that. But anyway, Donald Trump, when he was voted in as president,
won the presidency and became president, I think Twitter said that they were expecting
higher than usual revenues and general awareness of the product because of Donald Trump.
Right.
Because he's on Twitter so often.
And did they?
I mean, I presume they probably did.
No, I don't think it actually came to pass.
I think it was more disappointing than they were expecting.
But that's just quite weird, isn't it, to think of?
Well, to think they've got a vested interest
in the world getting worse, that's kind of, you know...
Yeah.
I guess that does raise its own questions, doesn't it?
But listen, I did the last one week, so you go first. Okay, well... I've got a good one, though. worse that's kind of you know yeah i guess that does raise its own questions doesn't it but you
listen i did the last um one week so you got you go first okay well um i've got a good one though
steven de silva okay has got in touch hello listening to the most recent podcast uh enjoying
the summer show i went to college for animal science and i'm enrolled to start as a phd
student in animal science molecular genetics to be specific,
as well as starting this fall.
Just thought I'd weigh in on the whole lion in chairs thing.
So this was...
A few weeks ago, a lion got lost, or rather he ran into a sewer,
and the man who basically let him free and also captured him slash killed,
I think the lion,
was the person who came up
with the idea to confuse a lion with a chair yes so lions are damn fine hunters because of how their
brain is wired and how their eyes relate info to their brain pretty much they're good at focusing
in on their prey so if you ever watch any kind of big cat documentaries you'll notice that pretty
much every time they hunt they hone in on one single animal and pick off that poor animal for its lunch slash dinner the way their eyes and
brains are wired they're built to focus on one single point or one single animal so a chair with
four legs pointing at them doesn't scare them it just kind of confuses them they have a hard time
focusing and they don't really know what to do in response in a way it's kind of like a sensory overload for them uh so yeah and that's why um a lion tamer will use a chair basically because
he's got four legs right okay reminds me of the song x lion tamer by wire which is a fantastic
piece of work as you would say a fantastic piece of work thanks for that steven de silva
what about this thing from gordon pope he says, chaps. I was looking at what prisoners have had for their last meal on death row
after listening to a podcast about Timothy McVeigh,
who, of course, was guilty of the Oklahoma City bombing,
who chose two pints of mint ice cream.
He says, Luke, when Pete is inevitably found guilty of some crime,
when his provisional license is linked to a right-wing attack
involving a drop-top car, a Japanese ghost,
and a squad of student police officers, what would you make him?
Okay, look, I'm going to go with this.
I think it's unfair on you, but I'm going to go with it anyway.
In a world where you're on death row, Pete,
and I am the, I guess, the jailer,
to use an outdated term.
The point, Gordon, though, is that,
in case you've missed it,
is that prisoners on death row for their last meal get to choose.
So it isn't what I would make, Pete, it's what Pete would choose.
So I'll throw that tennis ball over to you, Pete,
and say what's going to be your last meal.
Christy Shredder beef and ten spicy wings from KFC.
There you go.
It's perfectly legitimate.
You know, that's just standard.
Christy Shredder beef, maybe some egg fried rice,
but definitely ten spicy wings from KFC.
Tell me about the drink. Not allowed to be alcoholic apparently root beer is that right you know maybe it'll affect the drug yeah oh well
yeah let's go for root beer then all right we'll just be a float i did a bit that's after this
is why yeah because you're short of time yeah um i did a little bit of research around this
there's a photographer called henry hargreaves who did the series pictures of the uh of the meals have you seen him he did a series
uh photography series on last meals on death row called no seconds um and it's absolutely
fascinating actually one thing that was very interesting about it is i looked through um all
of the published photos he put in the series and um it made me realize you can tell quite a lot
about a person by the food they choose
to eat right and the meal they chose i've got a few examples like a really horrible man asked for
like the body of a child or something i've not heard that he really did go down swinging right
he's doubling down he's doubling down victor for gwerth and that's pronounced who was hanged
for kidnap and murder asked for a single olive with the pit still in it.
Which is interesting because it's almost like the antithesis of what you'd expect.
You'd think people would go for a real gluttonous, big meal
to fill their belly and almost delay the inevitable.
But he didn't choose that.
He thought, I'll just have a single olive.
One single olive.
Yeah.
How would you pick that out, though?
You'd have to pick the best one or the worst one or not.
Get out of job.
Because if you went, if you found the worst olive, you'd be like, I'm going to pick the best one or the worst one i don't know get out of job because if you yeah because if you went if you found like the worst olive you'd be like i'm gonna get the
worst olive i mean either way whatever you're eating on your death row somebody's wiped their
knob on it so because that's what you would do isn't it if you're if you're the man in charge
of that and you give a guy on death row for his last meal the worst olive you can find i'm sorry
you are the worst kind of petty i've ever heard of. Do you know what I mean? The guy's about to lose his life.
Yeah?
Yeah, I suppose so.
And I want a vinegary knob.
So, we've all got dreams, haven't we?
I think you might actually be able to fulfil that particular dream whenever you want.
John Wayne Gator, who killed, I think, over 30 people.
Good for him.
Had a load of KFC and a pound of strawberries.
And apparently he used to manage a KFC before he was convicted, so...
Should have stayed there.
Down memory lane.
Stephen Anderson, who was sentenced to death for seven counts of murder,
had, get this, two grilled cheese sandwiches,
a pint of cottage cheese,
some sweet corn, peach pie,
chocolate chip ice cream,
and radishes.
That meal's all over the place.
I know, yeah.
Ted Bundy, 35 murders.
Right. Prolific. He declined a special meal, so was given the traditional last meal. Do
you know what the traditional last meal is? Can you guess? Ooh, a sandwich. You should
know it. No, you should know it. It's quite famous. Um, milk and cookies. Steak. Is it
steak? Yeah. It's apparently steak. What about the non-meat eaters? Steak cooked, medium rare. Yeah. Eggs over easy, hash browns, toast with butter and jam, milk and juice.
I mean, to be honest, that's not too bad.
No.
Did you just ask for just two of them?
Nice looking steak, actually.
Nice looking steak.
Eggs over easy is when you...
I think they cook them both sides and the yolk is still running.
I think, for my mind, that's the best fried egg.
Right, yeah.
I'm loving that.
Yeah.
That's...
What a delicious and depressing, uh, email.
So you'd go shredded beef, KFC, and rice.
And a root beer.
Might stick a bit of lemon chicken on top
with a crispy cheddar beef.
That's my thing.
But you go in Chinese.
That surprises me.
My Chinese meal is
crispy cheddar beef, lemon chicken,
egg fried rice.
I'd go curry over Chinese.
Get out of town.
All right.
Get out of town.
You don't want to poop yourself.
I've got... It's the last thing we're going to do. You'd You don't want to poop yourself I've got
It's the last thing
You'd be dead
Yeah
I've got another email here
Do you want it?
Alright
Yeah
I want it hard
Have you got another one?
I've got one
Shall I just do this one quick?
Do this one quick
Okay right
This is from
Tamus in Canberra, Australia
Tamus
That's a great name
Good name
He says
G'day fellas
As the self-styled
Luke and Pete show
Senior Australian
And dentistry correspondent,
I can confirm that cola beverages
are not only acidic enough to handle tummy bugs,
but make very good industrial-strength cleaning products.
I can't remember this,
but we must have talked about cola recently.
He says,
My mum for a sin was a dentist
in the suburbs of Canberra during the 90s
and had a patient who was a junior mechanic
at the local petrol station.
A few times a week, he'd buy a two-litre bottle of home-brand cola from Woolies,
which is like Australian Tesco's, apparently,
to clean the oil and grime off the floor,
because at 30 cents a litre, it was much cheaper than,
yet equally as effective as, genuine petrol station floor cleaning products.
He would then repurpose the leftover cola for himself as a well-earned refreshment.
After six months on the job, he visited my mother because his entire mouth hurt and he was quite
surprised to be told that his teeth were basically rotting out of his head and that for every dollar
he'd saved the petrol station plus a thousand or so more would have to be spent on fillings
which was a rather salutary lesson yours and cavities tamers when you said the remaining i
i'm presuming the stuff remaining in the bottle, he wasn't just scooping up, lapping up like a mad cat.
From the gutter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A mixture of petrol and an alloy of petrol.
All I can say on that, and Tamers perhaps can send us a follow-up email, because what
I will say is that was a beautifully written email. Sometimes we get emails and people
haven't written them very well, it's hard to read them, that was fine. Tamers, maybe
you can get back in touch and say, let us know.
Because presumably this guy must have not been brushing his teeth.
That's probably why.
Yeah, I mean, that's the main problem, isn't it? Yeah.
As far as I'm aware,
obviously you can't go take it to the max,
but if you brush your teeth...
The Pepsi max.
Yeah.
You generally are okay, I think.
Maybe I'm wrong,
but that guy was clearly not brushing his teeth.
Just be careful, guys.
This comes from Ed.
Ed, I must admit, I do know Ed.
He was, when we did a live show,
he was the one whose good lady stitched the tabard.
Oh, okay, yeah, okay, I met Ed, yeah, nice guy.
Nice guy.
So, gentlemen, I have a supposition which I cannot prove.
You know those big sweets, the big chocolate bars,
the massive single-digit chunky Kit Kats?
Yeah.
Did it all start with Big Quality Street?
Okay.
My theory is that these are deliberate attempts to recreate the sensation
and mouth-cramming enormousness of the first time you were given a single sweet as a kid
and it filled your hand and then it filled your tiny mouth.
I believe they're a commercial-forced evocation of being a child
returning to a time when all our needs were met by loving giants and
the world took place at three times our height
above our heads. What next?
Head-sized M&Ms that have to be carved
like deli hams? Desk-sized
dairy milks equipped with a spork
shave or confectionery machete
to chip away mouth chunks?
Mints that you buy and then
denied by a man much bigger than you
who you resent fiercely even though he's just trying to protect you from yourself.
This is not your therapy session, Ed.
Can my theory be proved or debunked? All the best, Ed.
It's probably better to throw that open to the listeners, to be honest.
Hello at lukenpeachshow.com.
Well, I've got a few things to say on it.
Yeah.
One is that the, I mean, this is not new news,
but one is that the normal chocolate bars we're seeing now
are getting smaller, without question.
Well, we spoke...
I think this all came from...
We spoke about...
I spoke about Palma Violets,
you know, those ones that got bigger.
They made chunky, big ones.
Yeah.
And then there are quality streets,
the nut ones, the purple nut ones,
they got bigger for a bit.
They do a green triangle one as well, yeah.
Yeah, too big.
They do...
The green triangle one is my favourite one
in the quality street pantheon.
But normal chocolate bars are getting smaller.
I saw it on the news the other day.
They're like 10% smaller than they were five years ago.
But that aside, you have to remember,
and this is a word to the wise, not just to Ed,
but people generally,
things always seem bigger when you're younger.
So if you go back to your school,
or get permission first,
if you go back to your school,
I'm not C.R.B., checkmate.
The road you grew up on, or anything like that.
I've blown it up with a nuclear bomb.
It's a lot smaller.
Yeah, you did last week.
Was it this week?
This week.
Yeah, it's a lot smaller than you remember.
And another good example of that would be,
where I grew up, I left there when I was about 17 or 18.
I've been living there for many a year now.
But when I go back there, I always overestimate how long it takes to walk to places right because
for me certain places as a kid would seem miles away from my house yeah and my mates who still
live down there go yeah but it's a 10 minute walk and i'm thinking that's a half hour walk
right it is a 10 minute walk so everything yeah but you do go everywhere by segway now
that is that's also true um but
but another example this would be the house i grew up in went up on sale to and it was online
and i drove past it just because i had to go past to go somewhere and i saw the uh for sale sign so
i thought i'll check it out online see what it looks like inside yeah tiny right completely
different to how i remember it it wasn't a a big house anyway. It was on a computer screen. But you can see, you can tell the scale.
Yeah.
It was just a terrace house, a normal-sized terrace house.
Three-bedroom.
And when I was looking on the pictures, it was almost quite disappointing.
It was disheartening.
Right.
Because to me, it felt a bit like a palace when I was a kid.
Now it looks tiny.
So you've got to bear that in mind when you're talking about chocobots.
That's all I'm saying.
You do, isn't it?
Well, Ed, he told me about a story that fascinated me,
and I completely forgot about it, and this is probably the perfect forum for it.
Mm-hmm.
He once told me about, have you heard about the Melanesian remote tribes
who, during the Second World War, their land was used as air bases,
like tactical air bases for both allies and the Japanese as well?
Is this the cargo cult thing? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. was used as air bases, like tactical air bases for both allies and the Japanese as well.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, like, during that, both groups, like,
dropped off supplies and clothing and advanced technology,
canned foods and weapons and stuff like that.
But once the war ended, obviously,
they didn't need these remote kind of spaces anymore,
so they just buggered off, basically.
And in order to get the products back,
some cult leaders sort of sprang up,
either inside the community or just outside,
and basically made villagers worship these airmen
as, like, gods sort of thing.
So the idea of these people dropping munitions
and kind of advanced technology and tinned food and clothes
and stuff like that, they became sort of deities,
and so they worshipped these airmen as gods.
Tom Navy and John Frum were two gods.
Yeah, John Frum is a famous one.
Yeah, were two, they're gods,
and this manifests itself in basically the villages
making sort of fabricated control towers
and landing strips with wood and branches
and stuff like that.
It was like an offering.
Well, not like an offering,
or as in, last time these got built,
These came.
These came.
So, this is...
So, like, a cause and effect sort of thing.
They even, like, wore, like,
wooden headphones and stuff.
And, like, did, like,
like, waved, like, kind of,
uh, leaves around,
like as if they were making
the planes land and stuff.
I've read a book about this.
I forget which book it is, annoyingly.
But I think this case is,
particularly the Drum From case,
is very interesting to anthropologists
because I think they think
it's got a lot of value. And sort of, sort of because i think they think it's got a lot of value and sort of sort of evolutionary historians and stuff it's
got a lot of value um in terms of comparing that to how the the big classic religions thousands of
years ago actually came to pass they said i think they think that that's like a good example or
perhaps there's a comparison or contrasting to be made there because there's another one with prince
philip isn't there yeah prince ph Prince Philip's worshipped like a god.
Yeah, because he visited there on one of the tour,
like back in the 50s or something,
and that sort of somehow got twisted.
I can't really remember the fact.
I think about 10 years ago, like, Channel 4 brought
some villagers over to Buckingham Palace,
and they had a meeting.
Was it called Meet the Locals or something like that?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.
I mean, out of all the gods, who's got...
The man's got like uh he's got
a checkered history when it comes to being difficult people who aren't of the same color
i don't know i think it was called meet the locals and there was a brilliant but there's two brilliant
bits i remember one was that they went to like an old stately home right and that all the old armor
and the weapons and stuff and the guys i think they were from they're from papua new guinea or
something like that yeah it was near there yeah yeah and they were like very proficient with the weapons but
to the point where the guy the guy who was i owned the house was a bit like all right let's put those
back now and the second the second bit was that um they couldn't the one thing they couldn't believe
was that um there were homeless people right they kept saying to the guide, you've got all these buildings here,
so why do these people have to sleep outside?
Yeah.
And the guy was like, well, the thing is,
they don't own the buildings.
And they just couldn't get it.
They were like, that would never happen here.
And the funniest thing I saw,
I think it was this program,
it might have been a similar, different one,
where a kid goes,
I don't know what it was,
it was a kid who, from, I think,
sub-Saharan Africa somewhere,
and he had a genetic disorder, which couldn't be treated in this country but a uh aid development international
development company or something or a non-profit um ngo discovered him and uh charity stepped in
and he was able to go to america and have treatment for it but he went on his own right and he went
over there had treatment for it came back and there was a documentary about it. And the best bit,
he was telling his mother,
he was about eight or nine,
he was telling his mother
about his trip,
and he said to her,
oh yeah,
and they have these doors
that you don't have to touch,
they open automatically,
and his mum was like,
stop telling stories,
like clipped it around
the side of her head.
So it's fascinating
how different the world
can be even now,
you know.
But that cargo cop thing
is fascinating.
Insane.
Blimey, insane.
Would you like to be worshipped as a deity by an island?
Who says I'm not?
The internet's everywhere nowadays, mate.
It's true, you never know.
Exactly.
Maybe on another planet.
Wikipedia.
On another planet, perhaps.
But on other planets, isn't it the case that if something is, say, 50 million light years away or whatever,
they're only going to be seeing light from us 50 million years ago, aren't they?
So they're only going to be dinosaurs, basically.
Right, so, I mean, yeah, but easily, I mean, people in the future could be seeing what I'm doing right now.
Yeah.
Well, in which case, buck up your ideas.
Sort your shit out, Donaldson.
You're crying out loud.
We'll both look after Luke.
We'll both look after Luke.
If he feels sad about Mum and Dad, we'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad with our mum and dad,
we'll both look after Luke.
Men Carter?
Yeah.
Right.
Probably should have done that.
Jingle and said that one, shouldn't I, really?
Yeah.
Never mind.
Let there be justice for all.
Let there be this for all.
And one small step for man.
You don't understand.
Willie was a salesman.
Say it simply.
Very simply.
With hope.
Good morning.
Morning.
But the more jingles you do, the run time,
bumps the run time up in there.
So just bang a few out, mate.
Yeah, that man who was upset with the review,
he said, it's too short.
Yeah.
You can tell it's getting worse, because it's getting shorter. Yeah, that man who was upset with the review, he said, it's too short. Yeah. You can tell it's getting worse,
because it's getting shorter.
Yeah, but I mean, you...
That's what I said about my nan.
But presumably you don't like it.
You want it to be shorter.
Exactly.
It doesn't make any sense.
What have you got for Mankato?
I've got something very small,
which I'll do at the end,
so why don't you go and take up the lion's share of this one, Pete?
I want to talk about the Agricultural Bank of China, mate.
I've changed my mind. I'm just joking. John share of this one, Pete. I want to talk about the Agricultural Bank of China, mate. I've changed my mind.
I'm just joking.
John Emerson.
Hi, guys.
I want to point you in the direction of this Wikipedia page
on the largest bank robbery in Chinese history.
Sounds good.
The plan for what to do with the stolen cash is properly mental.
So, there we go.
What year was it?
The year was 2007.
So, not that long ago.
Wow, I thought this would be way back in the day.
So, the Agricultural Bank of China robbery was the embezzlement of nearly 6.7 million US dollars.
Okay. From the Handan branch of the Agricultural Bank of China in Hebei province between March 16th and April 14th, 2007.
Have you been there?
No, I've not been to Hebei.
Whereabouts is it in China?
Is it near Guangzhou? I'm not sure.
I'm not sure, mummy.
What parts of China have you been to?
I've been to Shanghai and also
Beijing and that's it.
All the big ones.
All the big ones.
I would actually like to do a proper trip
but the thing about China, it's fucking massive. All the big ones. Yeah. All the big ones. I would actually like to do a proper trip. But,
think about China.
It's fucking massive.
Is it, yeah.
That's the one thing they say.
What was your favourite out of Shanghai and Beijing?
Uh,
the first night in Shanghai,
uh,
we got locked in a room and,
uh,
they wouldn't let us leave
until we gave them money.
Uh,
That's nice.
And said they were a Chinese mafia.
But that is like a hotel,
that's how a hotel works.
You know,
you can't just go in there.
But you do have to, some money does have to change hands.
I was in an Airbnb and again, you weren't allowed to tell anyone that you were in an Airbnb.
Oh, really?
We fell for the oldest trick of the book, basically.
These guys said, oh, come in, there's karaoke.
And then there wasn't karaoke.
Oh, right.
Some ladies came in and went, no, we're not up for that.
We're up for the karaoke.
And he went, you need to give me money now.
And then there was three of them. And then there was three of us who were like, we're easily
going to fight these guys. They're tiny. And then 10 men appeared. I was like, oh, we're
not going to fight them. And every time I stood up, they pushed me down. I was like,
not only that, though, everyone thinks they're going to fight until a fight is actually about
to happen. Especially with men whose business it is to have a fight. It's like Mike Tyson
said, everyone's got a plan
to get punched in the face
but just out of interest
what do you mean
when you say that
you're not allowed
to say you're at
an Airbnb in China
well I think
pretty much everywhere
you're not allowed
to say you're in an Airbnb
as in the person
who owns the house
or rents the house
is effectively
subletting
and also there's
you know
the government
are quite shit-hot
on people's rights out there, aren't they?
Beautiful place, though.
And that was in Shanghai, was it?
Just don't go karaoke. That was Shanghai.
Beijing's very lovely. Enjoyed it
immensely. The food was fantastic.
I mean, I know this is probably a stupid question, but you know,
I've not been there, obviously. London
is probably, for me, more
sprawling, but New York City is very high.
Beijing is gigantic.
Like, massive.
Like, really spread out.
Like, taxis were actually quite expensive
because you were in them for like an hour to get anywhere.
So if you stayed in a particular part of Beijing
and someone said to you,
oh, there's this great bar you've got to go to,
it could legitimately be like two and a half hours.
Oh, it's miles away.
It's miles away.
Like, Great Wall of China is like a good four hours on a bus or something.
Right, okay.
So, that's why I went instead to a electronics expo instead of going to the Great Wall of
China.
You can go to one of them anywhere.
Not this one.
It was really fascinating.
It was an electronics market where people, you could effectively walk in and buy all
of the components to build your own iPhone, for example,
which is fascinating.
Specialist, isn't it?
A little bit.
Could you put virtual reality goggles on
and then go to the Great Wall of China?
Two birds with one stone.
Exactly, exactly.
So basically, some people embezzled 6.7 million
from a branch of the Agricultural Bank of China.
In this province, two vault managers employed at the branch.
It is the largest bank holiday,
bank holiday,
the largest bank robbery in China's history.
So a guy called Ren, one of the managers,
he stole 26,000 US dollars in October 2006
with the complicity of two security guards.
Ren then purchased tickets for the Chinese lottery
with the intention of winning a sufficiently large prize
that he could return the missing funds before their absence was noted.
Bearing in mind that gambling in China is illegal apart from the lottery.
What a scheme.
What a scheme, and still have money left over for himself.
Despite the unfavourable odds, Ren was successful
and he was able to return the 200,000 won back to the vaults.
That's brilliant.
Emboldened, emboldened,
emboldened by his initial success,
Ren joined forces with another manager,
Ma Zhang Jing,
or Zhang Xing, rather,
to perpetrate the same crime on a far larger scale.
During March and April of 2007,
the two stole $4.3 million
and spent almost the
entire amount on lottery tickets.
I mean, just the
admin of that blows my mind.
How'd they even do that?
I think when the big American lottery
came out, somebody tried to figure out
how many permutations it would take to have
every, you know,
but it's ridiculous.
But they tried. It's like a billion billion. Yeah, well they spent. But it's ridiculous. But they tried, they spent...
It's like a billion billion or something.
Yeah, well, they spent a lot of money
to cover as many bits as possible
and they messed it up.
But the actual admin of trying to buy
that many lottery tickets
in that many amount of different places
is just ridiculous.
Yeah.
This time, good fortune was not on their side.
How did they win?
So they lost...
They didn't win anything.
In desperation, they stole a further six cash boxes
for covering 2.3 million dollars and on april the 14th they spent 14 million in a single day in an
effort to recover their losses excuse me and um despite handan reporting record lottery ticket
sales i bet they did they only recouped um12,000 out of $2.3 million,
which is incredible.
So on April 16th, the managers of the branch
discovered the missing money and notified the police.
The game was up.
With insufficient funds to cover the losses,
they bought fake IDs, Ren and Mar,
and they fled.
Extensive manhunt.
The public security ministry placing the two men on their most wanted list.
Mao was arrested two days later.
Terrible effort.
And Ren was found a day later in a coastal town in Jiangsu province.
Mao just went to Beijing.
Obvious.
That's where all the peace is going to be.
Yeah.
So Ren and Mao were both charged with embezzlement
while the security guards were charged with
misappropriating the public funds.
Fifth man was prosecuted
for harbouring Mar
while he was on the run.
Loads of people were given
sentences of up to
five years in prison.
The two managers
were sentenced to death.
They were executed.
Wow.
Seems harsh.
They were executed
on April 1st, 2008.
So bearing in mind
they were doing this
like 2007.
Yeah.
Rough, quick justice.
Do you know where I would go?
But only 5.5 million yuan
was ever recovered
by the police.
The remainder
was squandered
by the perpetrators gambling.
Do you know where I'd go
if I was on the run like that?
Where would you go?
Straight back to the bank vault.
Why?
Last place they check.
Last place they check.
Just sit there.
Hide in plain sight.
Just go out of your job.
Wait for the whole thing
to blow over.
That is fascinating.
It's a terrible scheme.
But they sort of said, they had a quote,
we have this thing in Chinese,
if you don't gamble, you don't know how lucky you are.
I do find that the Chinese, in particular,
immigrant Chinese, like, live in this country in America and stuff,
obviously you can't gamble legally in China,
but obviously there's a massive underground thing.
And it's weird, like, the percentage of people from China
and of Asian-wide descent with gambling addiction,
it's higher than the rest of the population, any other population.
And the idea of luck and fortune is tied into being blessed by the gods
and gambling is often seen as being quite a solitary thing over here.
You know, you're seen some occasionally being, you know,
going to the betting shop by yourself and stuff like that,
but it's a social experience when it comes to immigrant communities and stuff,
and it's one that provides a sense of community,
which is, you know, why you see in Chinatown,
like all of the major betting companies,
they all have branches in Chinatown.
I spent a decent amount of time in Australia a number of years ago,
and you see a huge amount.
And what we would do is, because of the time difference,
we would end up going to casinos to watch football matches.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You see a huge amount of Asian people in there.
Incredible. I find it fascinating.
But I like how it's tied in with being lucky and being blessed,
which is not something we have.
Well, not in that case.
Well, they were all right the first time.
They were a hatful.
It feeds into my theory, a working theory,
which I might have mentioned to you before, Pete,
where if you've got a scheme going on
and it's got a reasonable chance of success,
don't go for the biggest, biggest, biggest prize
or total of money you can get.
Yeah.
Because you just roll out suspicion.
Classic example,
the guy who cheated his way to a million
who wants to be a millionaire, right?
Yes.
Got caught.
Yeah.
Don't go for a million. Go for half a million. Go for half a million. No one's going to ever know. And you get to a million who wants to be a millionaire, right? Yes. Got caught. Yeah. Don't go for a million.
Go for half a million.
Go for half a million.
No one's going to ever know.
And you get half a million quid.
Don't be greedy.
I remember when I used to get a gold star if you did something good at school,
in my primary school, and I found out where they kept the gold stars.
I bet you stole 400 of them.
Well, there was a big chart, basically.
Yeah.
And I went, more one more one more
until I was like
15 ahead
yeah stupid
which didn't even work
week wide
you got one per week
it didn't even work
you were young and foolish
you were young and foolish
if you had put one extra on there
surreptitiously
every couple of weeks
nobody would have noticed
no
nobody would have noticed
and I think you got a prize
if you won
but I was ahead by a good 15
your career wouldn't have
turned out this way
I know
if you had done it properly you wouldn't have sat there with Your career wouldn't have turned out this way if you had done it properly.
I wouldn't have been rattling a can
on a bar in a prison.
Who was that Chinese bank robbery
missive from?
That was from...
It was from...
Sorry, John Emerson.
Thank you, John Emerson. That was fascinating.
It was fascinating. I'd like something here quickly.
Sorry to Ren and Mark, who are both dead. Well, I've got something here. It was fascinating. I've got something here quickly. Sorry to Ren and Mark,
who are both dead.
Yeah, well...
I wonder what their last meal was.
I can...
Lottery tickets, please.
I'm going to buy my way out of this situation.
I've got one here from Rob Ferguson.
Right.
Just a quick men cart before we go,
because I've got to run it.
It really is a short time.
Game of Thrones is back, of course.
It is.
No spoilers.
Okay. I'm up to date, but no spoilers. Have you been watching it? I've been watching it. I've got to run it for a short time. Game of Thrones is back of course. It is. No spoilers. Okay.
I'm up to date but
no spoilers.
Have you been
watching it?
I've been watching
it.
I'm up to date
yeah.
This season's been
fantastic hasn't it?
It's been a return
to form I would say.
Very very good.
I'm one of those
sad geeks who
have read all the
books and so now
the TV series is
past the books.
Yes.
So you're enjoying it.
It's a pleasure for me.
Well what I would say
is everyone, you
can't have missed the fact that Ed Sheeran was in the first one. Everyone's having a go at Ed Sheeran. Don're enjoying it. It's a pleasure for me, yeah. Well, what I would say is, everyone, you can't have missed the fact
that Ed Sheeran was in the first one.
Everyone's having a go
about Ed Sheeran being...
Don't mind it.
Ed Sheeran, who cares?
Don't mind it.
The problem with that,
is that people in Britain
don't like to see other people
doing well, that's why.
Now, and also,
people ignore the fact
that sat next to him,
also in that scene,
was Thomas Turgus.
Yeah.
The Great White Hope for the Future.
Yeah.
And nobody cared.
I don't actually think
he's that good an actor.
Well, he's a child actor.
Child actors don't have to be good.
To be honest, Game of Thrones,
there's a lot of terrible actors
in that goddamn film.
You know,
Thomas Turgis thing,
I've got no beef with him,
but you know...
You've got no goose with him.
What's the name of the...
You've got no tur-goose with him.
The name of the director
is Shane Meadows, isn't it?
Yes.
He does this ultra-real,
quite visceral,
sort of kitchen sink style directing.
It's a little bit similar
to Kirby Enthusiasm,
where they sort of, I think, as far as I know,
they say, we're starting from this point in the scene,
we've got to get to the end point,
and the script is very loose.
So what I think that does is it lends itself
to a particular type of acting.
Yes.
When they're taken out of that environment,
I don't think they're as good.
I think Thomas Turgus, it's only a theory I've got.
It's like reading, isn't it?
It's like there's a difference between reading something and also, um, Fritz Dahlian, isn't it? Yeah, I guessis is, it's only a theory I've got. It's like reading, isn't it? It's like, it's the difference between reading something and also, um,
Fritz Dahlien, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess it is, yeah.
But anyway, that's my theory on him.
But anyway, Game of Thrones is back, bloody enjoying it.
By the way, last week we talked about Dunkirk,
and we didn't mention Harry Styles.
I thought he was very good in it, by the way.
Oh, I've still not seen it, no.
He's very good in it.
He is genuinely good, and he's got a reasonable speaking part as well.
It's not just a David Beckham and King Arthur type...
I mean, that is unspeakable.
Yeah.
Poor old David.
Poor David.
So, anyway, Game of Thrones is back.
One of the key characters in that,
even if you've not watched it,
is Tyrion Lannister,
who's this wicked, really cool character.
He plays a dwarf, obviously.
Yes, yeah.
And he's just a schemer.
And what...
Just without spoiling,
in a world, of course, as a medieval fantasy,
in a world where brains are undervalued,
obviously he's no kind of warrior or knight or king or anything
because he's not of the stature, but he's very, very sharp, right?
And that's the thing about his character, it's fantastic.
Anyway, Rob Ferguson has emailed the show,
said, check out this story of a real-life Tyrion Lannister.
Now, Sir Geoffrey Hudson, who was born in 1619 and died around 1682,
was an English court dwarf at the court of Queen Henrietta Maria.
Okay.
He was considered, like, essentially a famous queen's dwarf
in the court of this particular queen.
And he fought with royalists in the English Civil this particular queen right um and he fought with
royalists in the english civil war and fled with the queen to france um but he was expelled from
her court when he killed a man on the duel basically this guy he was a the court dwarf
where he would be um it's a bit bit distasteful i suppose obviously by today's standards but he
would be there to be looked at i guess because he was a curiosity essentially but he ended up um
reason this story is quite interesting is essentially but he ended up um reason this story's
quite interesting is because um he ended up getting really annoyed um with with the jokes
and tricks at his expense being a dwarf understandably so um and so he ended up uh
just snapping one day and he challenged one of the gentlemen of the court to a jewel right because of
who he was the gentleman thought it was a joke.
It was like a mock duel.
So the gentleman in question turned up,
I think his name was William Croft,
turned up with a water pistol, right?
They had water pistols back then.
They were called,
it was like a very rudimentary sort of thing
where you just squeeze water in someone, right?
Right, okay.
Turns up, squeezes the water pistol
at Sir Geoffrey Hudson,
just shoots him in the head.
Shoots him dead.
Well, that'll teach him, won't it?
So at the end, he ended up being captured,
and he was sentenced to death, but he was given clemency.
He fled.
The rules of the duel were very clear.
I don't know why he should even have to have clemency.
Ended up travelling around, spent 25 years in North Africa,
possibly as a slave
sadly before being ransomed back to england another load of stuff went on but sadly he was
buried in a pauper's grave but he had quite the life sir jeffrey hudson was a knight nonetheless
court dwarf in 17th century england and france wow there you go give it a google do and do indeed
give it a google do indeed give it a google uh so if you want to get just a shot and basically
just let's just throw stuff at us,
because we are enjoying it.
I'm enjoying reading about them,
because to be quite frank, I can't trust my own brain.
I'm going to call it the flotsam and jetsam
of the conversational tide.
I think so.
It's like hanging out in a pub with us,
and you guys...
Beers are on you.
But it's a big pub.
Yeah, so if you want to get involved,
it's hello at lukeandpeachshow.com.
We're going to be doing this for a little while longer, aren't we?
Yeah, why not?
Shall we go?
People like them.
Let's make some more of them.
Let's.
See ya. I'm going to be a
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