The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 100: We actually made 100 of these shows

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

START THE FANFARE! It's time to celebrate our 100th episode! We do this by counting down the top five stories, incidents and discoveries of the past 100 shows, all the while finding it hard to believe we made it quite this far.Stay tuned for all your favourite moments (well five of them anyway), and in addition to that, as ever, Pete has a whole load to get off his chest including a remarkable segue into something that he witnessed at kids' camp when he was about 9 years old. Thanks for all your amazing support over the last year and a bit! Here's to the next 100!To make the next 100 shows special we need you to email us stories and experiences from your life. Do so here: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

oh my god it's it's episode 100 look more luke and peach your episode 100 thank you so much for everyone who supported us over the last 100 episodes it's been fantastic I can't believe this has happened the energy in this room right now because we've made it I feel like

I just feel like we've done something really special and I'm very very proud of us Pete and I'm slightly less proud of all the listeners

so what have you done to what have you got to mark the occasion well I've got you a little gift Luke you haven't you never buy me things no no uh no you can no you can have this one whoa that's not what i was expecting that's not real is it what that's not that's not real is it

well you're about to find out what are you doing peter peter Pete Peter Pete Pete ah yeah sorry you nodded off there mate

what we got planned for episode 100 uh uh I I don't know It's episode 100, look my way! Whee! The Luke and Pete show.

Here we are. It is back for the 100th episode. I mean, we went bi, we were not bi-weekly. Yeah, because bi-weekly means also fortnightly, and it's very confusing. We were weekly, then we're twice a week. Just leave it at that. I just think it's cheating.

Don't complicate things. It's not our real 100th episode. It's great to be here, though. It is great to be here. It's great to make it this far. Yeah. Another digit on the title character limit. That's why you've got to look at it.

We'll be running out, won't we? Yeah. So, yeah, fantastic. Thursday, almost a weekend. And, Pete, what I thought we should do for episode 100 is i put a tweet out earlier in the week uh and i said look we're gonna do episode 100 and what would be really great is if we were to uh maybe go through what our listeners favorite moments of the 100 episodes are so almost they they sort of curate and and and um and plan the show for us so i did

all that i combined all the um all the uh suggestions and i've got a top five which we'll come on to um but before we do that what what have been your main takeaways from this the one of the sort of lesser successful projects you've embarked upon in your career well that's not the worst it's not the worst project not the worst goodness me no but so what have been your do you feel like you've got to know me one of your dearest and closest friends a lot better do you feel that's something you can be very happy about i've learned a lot about your cats and your family yeah um that's part of being a friend um yeah no i've enjoyed it uh i've learned a lot about history. You know, you say you've learned a bit about me and my friend,

my family. Has it helped you get over this crippling sense of, um, fear of commitment? What do you mean in your life? What do you mean? I'm full of commitment. I'm made of it,

man. You know, I'm hewn from commitment. It's giving me all day. Hewn commitment. That's my name. Um, uh,

I tell you what, there are some people in my life who listen to the Looking Peach Show in lieu of actually talking to me. That happens to me all the time. People sort of go, oh, I listen to this thing. Just talk to me and I'll tell you.

I'll tell you the things that I said on the Looking Peach Show in, you know, first hand. Sometimes I'll get WhatsApps from friends and I won't have heard from them for a while and it'll be, oh, I heard you mentioned me on the Looking Peach Show. great yeah thanks yeah it's the only way they can handle

us that's the future see it's like a black mirror type episode we're writing our diaries here yeah people yeah people don't have um friendship they just have a series of recorded updates from friends they can access whenever they want. And everyone's recording them, and you can access whichever people you... That's a good idea, I think. I put a picture of... A few pictures I took in Korea about a month ago, a couple of months ago,

and people were sort of DMing me, going, oh, you went to Korea, try this, go here in Seoul. And I was like, no, it's just old pictures. You just stopped that on your Insta? It's just an update on the Insta, mate. I think... instrument I think what I think is that

with this show you are sort of making a diary of because obviously I helped to make Berkhamstead Revisited

which is this show about two girls and a teenage diary and one of the things that's quite fascinating about it is it's made me

really wish i could remember those stuff about what's happened in my life yeah and so maybe this show will for the last year or whatever go some way towards that yeah you know reminding that i wanted to go to bed with samantha fox yes at age eight and now you're 38. Oh, no, 37, are you? 37. And how do you feel about Samantha Fox sort of right now? What do you mean? I'm sure she's fine.

Well, Samantha Fox is currently 52 years old. She's a singer, a songwriter, actress, and, of course, former glamour model. How do you think the 52-year-old Samantha Fox and the 37-year-old Pete Donaldson would get on? Because back then, Samantha Fox was only 23, and you were eight. That's disgraceful, isn't it? Yeah. God, I mean, the things Samantha Fox must have had to go through in the 80s as a glamour model.

Good God, can you imagine? Yes, I can. I don't want to. Actually, did you read about Paul McCartney and Lennon McCartney? Paul McCartney and John Lennon. It's odd, this. It's very's odd this.

It's very odd this. When they were kids, they had, I suppose, what you'd call a circle joke. This is the late 50s, is it? Yeah, late 50s.

They were around someone's house and they all just started pulling their... Pulling their puddings. Indulging in the act of ornanism. Now, that is something that I have actually witnessed myself.

Well, please tell us more. Carlton Camp. Episode 100 is definitely the place for this sort of stuff. Again, I was nine, maybe 10 years old. I was at an orchestra trip and a couple of the older lads, I was just in a room, we're playing role playing. Whoa, hang on a minute. And halfway through.

What does that involve? Well, like little, not little miniatures, but like, you know, pretending you're a bloody orc or something running around. Like Warhammer. That sort of business.

Okay. And one of them just sat there going, and just started jerking it. And then all the rest of them had a race to see who could jerk it the fastest to fruition. And I was like...

How did you feel about this? Well, I hadn't started yet. How old were you? I'd give him a run for the money now. That's all I'm saying. If you're listening, lads, the office is still there. Come on.

How did you feel about it at the time? Were you thinking about Samantha Fox? No, I wasn't thinking about anything. I just wasn't in that world at all because I wasn't old enough. But I was like, that's an evocative image, isn't it? I said, you know... How old were you? i was eight i was either nine or ten okay but yeah

i just remember thought i think and so when everyone was shocked at the idea of lennon mccartney jerking off together um you was like wow i was like well you know kids be kids yeah yeah and there's a couple of guys at my university in my halls of residence who were rumored to be involved in a bit of that stuff and I say rumoured I think they actually did admit to doing it but I want to bypass that as quickly as possible

as interesting as that story is because I really want to start thinking about Beatles masturbation puns so everyone's done come together and I saw

one of the newspapers in the US did beat the Beatles which is quite good that's great yeah I haven't really thought

while my penis gently weeps nice yeah that's George Harrison so I don't want to involve him if I don't

have to happiness is womcock yeah very good yeah very good we'll think about that later so as promised should we do this top five I think listeners might be interested in this now it's going to Very good, yeah. Very good. Oh, well. We'll think about that later. Yeah, let's think about that.

So, as promised, should we do this top five? I think listeners might be interested in this. Now, it's going to involve us, essentially, rehashing old content. Yeah. But it is like, you know, if you think of it like this,

sometimes when you get home from the pub and there's nothing on TV and you flick on Channel 5 and they're doing the top 100 reality TV moments, it's all stuff you've seen before, but it's nice to be reminded of it sometimes. What we're going to do, as I said, is a top

five here based on listeners on Twitter at Luke and Pete show. Of course, the email is hello at Luke and Pete show.com. Based on their contributions and their suggestions, we are going to go back through the top five moments. I've got them here.

You don't know what they are, Pete, do you? No, I don't. I'll run them down, and I guess I'll read them, and you can just interject. You gave me a sneak peek, a sneak peek, if you will, of what one of them is. So I've got a bit of audio for that, but other than that, no. Okay, so I think that's what we're going to start with.

So coming in at number five, this is something you brought to the table, Pete. It's not an an email i think it's the only one that isn't an email from a listener let me just double check that yes it is so number five is of course you probably want to put a little jingling in here pete or something like a little sort of fanfare okay number five that'll do is the long egg the long Long Egg! Who remembers The Long Egg? Yes. Now, The Long Egg was on the pitch. Do you want to give people a little bit of an update?

A little reminder of what The Long Egg is and perhaps give people an insight into why it was quite so popular. It was basically... Oh, God, I can't remember his bloody name now, but I think it was Cook with Keef, or Keef Cooks. Keef Cooks on YouTube. This incompetent YouTube cook, right? He is an adorable man.

Imagine an older Richard Branson who is quite nervous. In my mind, he's a bit like Colonel Sanders. Yeah, a little bit Colonel Sanders, a little bit. Likes a real ale, likes to cook a long egg on occasion. And basically, he's just this very nervous chap who makes videos about making different foods. But one of his threads was making a long egg, then making a Scotch egg.

And he had two or three failed attempts at making this long egg. Describe what a long egg is for people who are new to the show. Imagine an egg. It's really long. Extruded. No, but it's the size of it. It's not like it's been rolled out flat and it's really small, like a little pepperoni.

It's a big egg-sized length, like three foot long egg. The circumference of an egg extruded. It looks like an egg on a cross section. I think that's the best way to describe it. Yeah. And yeah, it was just basically a chap trying to make a long egg with using things like, he said waste pipe. He used a waste pipe, but like, it's just a pipe. Like it wasn't used for waste, but using things like, he said waste pipe. He used a waste pipe.

But, like, it's just a pipe. Like, it wasn't used for waste, but he just said, and I've used a waste pipe for this. Don't use the waste. It's not very good. And he does, he's on YouTube and he does some, he does very sort of, like, really standard British meals. And I do have a lot of warmth for him. I think he's genuinely worth subscribing

to. And I've subscribed. I think he's brilliant. But he's very nervous. But he's back. He's back doing bits and bobs. Not long eggs. He's moved past that. Do you want to hear a bit of him? Yeah, sure. What he's up to now? Yeah, if you watched my recent video when I was sorting out my request list,

I put this on the B list. But on the basis that it's not that easy to get goat here in sunny Leeds, actually it is if you go to the right place but I never have and also on the basis that I've had it once or twice and wasn't wowed by it just talking about goats

he's making goats, he's cooking goats I think some kind of jerk goat situation and he's basically saying well I don't really like goats it's not very nice how how many videos how many videos has he done total now oh he's probably done about 25 he's also started doing live videos as well which is quite good i'm quite enjoying that yeah and then realize that the the other essential ingredient is a scotch bonnet, chilli. So there's a stall that sells all manner of exotic fruits and veg from,

you know, Africa and the Caribbean. And of course they've got a huge box of Scotch bonnets. So I said, can I have one? And she started weighing out a kilo. i said no i just want one and she's like she gave me that kind of look that says not a chance matey the bag costs more than one scotch bonnet um so i got six and uh it cost me 64p haggling over one scotch bonnet i thought he was gonna say they don't have any i thought he's gonna say and he was gonna get into a situation where he's trying to make a goat curry without go or a scotch bonnet chili yet thought he was going to say they don't have any. I thought he was going to say, and he was going to get into a situation where he was trying to make a goat curry without a goat or a Scotch bonnet chilli, yet making a video about it anyway.

Keith. Keith. It's actually Keith over there. If you like this video, don't forget, give it a like. Video, don't forget, give it a like. I like this bit. And if you like this video, don't forget, give it a like. Video, don't forget, give it a like.

And if you like this video, don't forget, give it a like and share and subscribe and give me money and things like that. He's a natural and give me money and things like that. He's a natural. Give me money and things like that. It's interesting because he is the same standard at presenting as he is at cooking. Yeah. I don't mean that in a horrible way because none of us are perfect.

He's quite endearing in a way. Oh, he's lovely. Long egg. It was a classic. Do you know what? We actually did a long egg show, I think, over a year ago. Is that right it's lived long in the memory

and I found a video of Fred Dynage remember Fred Dynage yeah still knocking about yeah I found a video of him in the 70s

showing how to make a long egg and he does it sat down in a chair with in about three minutes live with no cuts and

he actually makes it look pretty easy wearing a black shirt as well it's very risky yeah and um he's anything proteinous he talks you through the process of actually how to do it we'll have an egg pie look it's there at the beginning it's there in the middle and it's still there going strong at the end now it's a row of eggs down the middle it's a row of egg down the middle. It's a row of egg down the middle. Incorrect. There's your first mistake, pal. It's there, solid all the way through.

Well, you just cut it across. No, I didn't. Look, if I hack it anywhere, the egg is still there. Look, if you don't believe me, it's still there, still going strong. You can't see the join. It's the same in a scotch egg, if you can move along a bit there. There he is. Look, he's there on the beginning.

He's still there in the middle, and he's still there at the end. How is it done? How's it done? And then he goes on to create a long egg with a kind of I'm going to say a condom no it's a

apparently you're supposed to make it with sausage skin and he does it with a load of I can't remember what he actually calls it it's a it's some sort of plastic it's not a condom

it's like a plastic kind of long plastic bag isn isn't it, really? Basically, yeah. But I do think that Keef's method is a little bit more workable than Fred's, to be honest, because I think Fred's, the white of the egg is too thin. Yeah, I agree.

So I'm not having it. I agree. We're not suggesting that Keef cooks is the last word in long egg making. No. We're just suggesting that he's the person who brought it to the wider Luke and Pete show community. Yeah, do check out Keith Cooks. K-E-E-F-C-O-O-K-S.

That's how you spell Cooks. He started doing live streams, which is fascinating. He actually doesn't look like Colonel Sands. He looks a bit like Andrew Jennings, the man who brought down FIFA. He does a little bit. So this is the start of his live stream. Okay. So he just says, okay.

Pass himself a stout. And then... He just looks into the camera. For ages. For ages. For ages. And then... This is intense. Does he know it's on?

Yeah. He knows that he's streaming. Then he gets a sign. I think he thinks there's no sound. Do you reckon? No, no. Because what he does at the end, he puts up a sign saying,

going to the toilet. And then he just leaves the frame. Go before you come on, Keith. It should be the first thing you do. He takes his beer as well. It's the weirdest thing. Oh, Keith. I love Keith Cooks.

Where would we be without the eccentricities of Keith Cooks? That's what I want to know. So there we go. That's number five. Magic. Right, coming in at number four, we're going to take a bit. It's still food related. Right. But we're going to take a bit... It's still food-related. Right.

But we're going to take a bit of a turn. Do you want to give me one of your fanfares? All right, then. Keith Cooks. No, number four, I'm sad to say, is Toilet Bread. Oh, no.

And this comes from an email from Tom Byfield, which I'm going to reread in case you guys, in some weird way, don't remember this appalling episode. D morning chaps i thought i'd regale you with a story that was told to me by a good friend of mine over the weekend my pal is a police officer who was telling me some of the funniest stories that he's discovered while working on the force his team were tipped off about a large drug deal that was going to happen in an underpass in bristol they filled the underpass with undercover police officers and when a slightly odd looking gentleman carrying a brown paper bag entered the

public toilet in the underpass their interest was piqued when the gentleman left the toilet five minutes later without said brown bag they detained him for interrogation he would not tell them where the bag had gone or what was inside the bag despite hours of questioning eventually he cracked and admitted that he wasn't doing anything illegal but initially been too embarrassed to tell them what he'd actually been up to in the toilet apparently this man's fetish was to buy a fresh loaf of bread from a baker's take it into a public toilet wipe the seat with the bread and then sit on the toilet and eat it a truly horrendous story but one i thought you may enjoy well we haven't enjoyed it tom but it has made it into the top five um toilet bread was number four in our listeners list of things that

were most memorable about this show now before i get your comments on this p in retrospect um on urban dictionary now i know you can find anything on urban dictionary there's an entry as follows called bread leaving the act of leaving slices of bread in public toilets to absorb the aroma of the cubicles where random sexual encounters take place. The bread is then removed and then taken home, held up to one's nose and masturbated wildly to while enjoying the smell of a public toilet

in the comfort of your own home. It's out there. It's out there. It's happening. This is something that's happening. Does bread absorb the smells of things quite readily? I guess, well, I suppose, yeah, I don't know. I mean, the overwhelming smell would probably be of bread.

Yeah, surely. Because it's quite an emotive fragrance, isn't it? Just rub some Domestos on some bread. I think you've got all the smells. If you've come home after a day's work or whatever, or you wake up in the morning and the first thing you get is freshly baked bread

wafting through your house, you're loving that. I guess. But if you get to the bread and you start slicing it and it's covered in actual piss, it's not as nice.

I guess smell is more evocative than anything, isn't it? It takes you back. It takes you back, doesn't it? What are your thoughts on this second time around because well if you're

well if you're really um i don't know about the eating thing i don't really get the eating thing but the smelling thing i can kind of get because obviously again as i said it's quite evocative um it takes you back to where you were back in the day um and if you're if you have like a particularly defining or exciting sexual experience in a public toilet or you've seen one yeah um that's going to take you back and remind you of how good it was to see a man joylessly pull his winky. But why is the bread in there? This is the thing.

Because you can smell the toilet smells. It's like an association. Yeah. But just use a cloth. Or a vial. Use a vial. Yeah. There's nothing to get bread in.

I don't have any problem. Just jerk off nothing to get bread involved I don't have any problem just jerk off in the cubicle I don't have anything like everyone else does I don't have a problem with any of it apart from the bread I don't know where the bread's coming in

yeah what is it because it's a cheap particularly cheap food stuff anyone can it's very egalitarian you bread it's cheap

you get a loaf of 50p it's to me and also part of me I know you're going to hate this but part of me really likes nicely made artisan food because people have put time into it. I don't want to hear that you're getting like an artisan sourdough,

which has been lovely made by a guy who woke up at four in the morning and really loves his craft and rubbing it around a toilet seat. I think it's disrespectful to the art. Well, I think anything with a hard crust isn't going to absorb. It's not.

You need a mighty white. Not even a Kingsmill. Kingsmill, you need a white, anemic, bleached rotter of a bread. The bread that you like. A Danish, a little Danish loaf maybe. A mighty white. Mighty white, yeah. A champion.

Remember champion? Champion, yeah. Anyway, so that was, I mean, I don't know if we've ever been lower than that. No. The bread and toilet business. But, you know, thanks to Tom Byford for getting in touch touch that was very popular with the listeners so you got um number three moving on to number three if you want to give us a little fanfare pete comes from uh mr damien cunningham now this one was something i didn't immediately remember and i don't think you did either

um but it is really good. I really like it. And so I'll just read it now from Damien. He says, Hi, Luke and Pete. I have a summer-themed story in a similar story, a similar vein, sorry,

to Pete's story about putting his father's condom to his lips accidentally. Now, that was a big moment as well, but it didn't make the top five. You found what you thought was a balloon under your parents' bed turned out to be a used condom. And that's really where

we should leave that. Damien says, once when he was about five, he attempted to superglue his teeth and lips shut in order to become a better ventriloquist and be more like Garfield.

Oh dear. Now, where do you think, what's the ventriloquist crossover with Garfield here? Because Garfield is a cartoon cat, not a ventriloquist. It must be two separate things. Well, he shored his teeth, didn't he? But he would kind of like, he would dream the things he was thinking. He would never say anything out loud, would he?

I don't think so, no. He had that big sort of grin though. Yeah. He said, I remember my mother freaking out, which in hindsight is understandable because despite all preconceived notions, she does actually care about me, and rushing me to the doctor. And I remember being quite,

because I missed Fraggle Rock that evening. It's quite an 80s story. With my blistered. Yeah, so I quite like that because in a way it's very indicative of what our listenership are like. It's like a therapy session. Can you remember anything

that either you did or your friends did that was anywhere near like that? To kind of emulate their... No, I don't think so. I remember seeing a TV show of a woman who had issues with her front teeth

and one of them had fallen out but instead of going to the dentist she got into a habit of just super gluing it back in over and over again

and I think it used to work for like a day and then next morning she'd have to do it again sort of thing because she was so terrified of the dentist which is an awful story

but I don't know if a five year old should be knocking about with super glue yeah do you? my dad used to i think i've probably spoken about this before but my i had a great love for my dad had this kind of very strong i think it was like a some kind of metal polymer mix i don't know how those two things

would mix but it was like this um paste and there was an orange tub that looked like um a small munition uh and there was a grey one as well. And you used to get the paste, the white paste. Oh, I remember this. You used to have to mix it. And mix it up. And it wasn't like... It was called Araldite, wasn't it? No, it wasn't Araldite.

No, it was a strong metal. It was a metal kind of mix. Where did he get it from? Well, work, I presume. Right. But you'd have to mix it together. And it would make this wonderful kind of solid, almost like stone kind of metal kind of uh thing it was a fantastic bit of

work but yeah i anything you got a mix makes you sound makes it a bit more exciting i remember my dad mixing stuff but i thought it was araldite yeah it's not really funny yeah araldite has a i think you still get it it's like a mixing thing what was the purpose of that well it activates each the chemicals in each so it's stronger's stronger. Yeah otherwise like you just have a there'll be no point in selling it because it would be a solid glue

already. I remember I remember um did I tell you about the time I dropped a whole jug of oh yeah I have told you

this because you told me a story similar where I dropped a swarf eager and it went up into my eyes. Yeah.

It's a bit like it's like a um sort of 80s kitchen based working class version of when Dennis Nedry gets spat on by the dinosaur in Jurassic a sort of 80s kitchen-based working-class version of when Dennis Nedry gets spat on

by the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. It was like this green goop in my face. Anyway, so the man who glued his durian lips together

as a child to be like Garfield is number three. Thank you, Damien Cunningham, for that contribution. Number two, this one is a

more recent one and I think very controversial but Pete give me another little fanfare I'm going to have to remind you every single time I think they're getting better

this is from Andy McNeil can you remember Andy McNeil did he write Bravo 2-0 yes he did no not that Andy McNeil is the man who has never eaten a crisp

oh yeah not having that nonsense absolute nonsense gents having heard you speak about crisps and just an everyday chat favourite crisps

is always a popular conversation topic I however have never eaten a crisp in my life and I am 31 years old for some reason it was one of those things

that when I was a toddler I just decided I never liked having never tasted this progressed into my youth and soon it became me just being stubborn and now it's almost like a phobia normally when i tell people normally it's my mates um their instant reaction is what about quavers what about hula hoops and go on to name every single brand answer is always the same yeah my thinking now apart from the fact that i'm probably scared is i eat enough

shite like chocolate and biscuits so i can do without them. I include nachos in this, and the nearest thing is eating one of those sweet potato biscuit things. I don't know what that is. Papa Dom's. Yeah, utterly nonsense, but something I'm ridiculed for constantly. Now, we extended an invite to Andy to come in.

And eat a crisp. To eat a crisp, but I've not heard back from him. So he's probably listening to this. It was a long time ago. Yeah, he's probably listening. Maybe he ate a crisp and went into encephalactic shock or something and died. Yeah, maybe.

We can only hope because his behaviour is abhorrent. Yeah. I don't know if I'm going to get through a week without eating a crisp. It's something I never buy

but if I see a ball of them at work, I'm like, they're gone. They are gone. Isn't there a crisp shop near your house? Oh, yeah.

Hip Chips. It's like an artisanal crisp shop. The sweet ones are horrible. They're just really kind of... They're fancy crisps, but the problem is there's a little bit of root vegetable action in there.

I don't... I have no truck with that. I have no... Sorry, I have no... Beetroot, sweet potato, parsnip. Disgusting. Why? They absorb the oil in a different way

and they're rigid and oily and disgusting. Stick to the potatoes, guys. Stick to the classics. Andy McNeil, you're not missing out on much. But hip chips, they've got little dips like katsu curry

and jam and all kinds of stuff and you can have it sweet. Yeah, you brought them to the studio once. They were alright. I didn't really like the sweet ones. Not much to write home about.

It's also about 100 quid for a box of them as well to make it financially viable for them. Alright, so number five was a long egg. Number four was toilet bread.

Number three was, actually, all these are food related. Absolutely all of them. What? Because the man who glued his jaw shut, the boy,

he obviously can't eat so it is sort of food related. The boy. Number two was never had a crisp. Number one, I think you can probably all guess it.

I'm not going to introduce it. I'm just going to read the email again because it's a classic. It is a classic. So here it goes. Let me just grab it so I can actually guess it. I'm not going to introduce it. I'm just going to read the email again because it's a classic. It is a classic. So here it goes. Let me just grab it so I can actually see it.

Right, here we go. It's from Dan and it goes as follows. Upon hearing your patter about what families talk about over the dinner table, I was transported back to a Christmas dinner

I had with my family, the best part of a decade ago. Quick background. I grew up on the outskirts of the lovely city of bath in a conservative somewhat christian focused household for all of my adolescence i concealed my deviant side from my strict god fearing but otherwise lovely parents that is until my first christmas back after starting uni in liverpool oh i'd never been one for swearing much, especially not in front of my parents. But going to Union, a much bigger and livelier city,

surrounding myself with gruffer people, I'd picked up the habit of effing and jeffing like I was a sailor down the Albert Dock. Not wanting to upset my parents, I'd kept my foul tongue in check

all over the Christmas holiday. That was until Christmas dinner itself. My favourite thing about Christmas dinner has always, and will always be, pigs in blankets. Indeed, I'd always sneak an extra one,

more than was probably approved by my father, and hoped there'd be plenty left over once I'd forced down all the dry meat and veg. However, this year, my mother, always fond of the finer things in life, took it upon herself to empty the half dozen or so pigs in blankets left over onto her own plate before she'd even finished her roasties, the total cheat.

Without thinking, in total disgust, I said, You greedy cunt. Well, that was it. So strong. Mayhem. My father dropped his glass of wine, smashing instantly, startling the cat to the point it jumped directly onto the dinner table. The dog, Gandalf, not wanting to be outdone, instantly leapt from the floor to the table to chase the cat trampling on all the fruits of my

mother's labor before settling into the bowl of cauliflower cheese my mother was shell-shocked and her only words to me the rest of the day were that she was heartbroken my sister vowed to never speak to me again as i'd ruin her favorite meal of the year while my three brothers raged from indifference one of them's a pothead to finding it hilarious my dad told me it best i didn't accompany the family to the traditional after dinner drink in the local pub the first time i could have gone and legally enjoyed an adult beverage which i must admit hurt to this day my parents refer to it as the incident in quotes and whenever one of my siblings invariably brings up over a family meal a cold chill passes around the dinner table my mother's eyes narrow and my

father's cheeks turn to a delightful shade of pink as it is i regret that so much food went to waste but she was being greedy love the show guys all the best dan oh it's always going to be in our mind nothing more to say is there just kill it there that's episode 100 thanks very much for your support over the 100 episodes you've listened to

we look forward to making some more for you I've got to do more of them if I can persuade Pete to do so and we will all being well see you next week

in the meantime be a good person don't be a greedy cunt yeah see you later cunts bye In the meantime, be a good person. Don't be a greedy cunt. Yeah. See you later, cunts. Bye. Bye. Bye. Any final words Pete?

See you later