The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 117: Return of the eight year old millionaire

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Pete learns of Luke's exploits as a child involving trying to pull a fast one over the Tooth Fairy, and Pete reminds us all of his crush on Samantha Fox as an eight year old. There's also time to praise Peter Jackson's truly remarkable They Shall Not Grow Old, and following that we go from the sublime to the ridiculous as a listener tells us all about Lucozade flavoured Calippos. Unreal.To tell us about the time you pretended to be someone else (that'll make sense when you listen), it's [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Ooh la la. We're back, baby. We're two babies who are back. Baby back ribs. There's a famous... We're our, baby. We're two babies who are back. Baby back ribs. There's a famous... We're our nappies.

There's a famous... No, we're not. There's a famous rib company who make ribs. And there was a famous, I think in the 80s, theme that they had on an advert. Baby back ribs, baby back ribs. It's like that. It's like a kind of

barbershop quartet sort of thing. It was parodied by Fat Bastard. Oh, what? Fat Bastard. The character in Austin Powers. Oh, it was also in

The Office, I seem to recall as well. Was it? Michael Scott sang it. I've not seen the US Office. But basically, it was this, you should get it,

it's a very easy watch. It was basically a thing that was just really, really, really, really popular. It was like our ambassadors of reception. That's how popular it was. It was a cultural touchstone for a lot of people. Right. And this week, I think they've managed to find some backstage footage of these guys putting together the song for these ribs.

I don't know what the actual characters are. I think they're ribs or something that sing. Right. Um, but like these guys who just have these wonderful voices and they're sort of putting together how to actually sing the baby back ribs song. It's, it's beautiful.

If you're new to the show, that man talking obsessively about ribs is Mr. Pete Donaldson. And I am Mr. Luke Moore. I'm the Luke in this situation. Yeah. And that is the Pete.

Um, this show of course runs on, on, on you getting in touch as well. So hello the Luke in this situation, and that is the Pete. This show, of course, runs on you getting in touch as well. So hello at lukeandpeteshow.com if you'd like to email us. We would very much enjoy hearing from you. Pete, did you watch,

this is where I want to start this time around, did you watch They Shall Not Grow Old last week? I didn't know. It was the Peter Jackson thing. My goodness me. My goodness me.

In your words, goodness me my goodness me in your words goodness me World War 1 would sound like a right pain in the arse so if you're if you're not aware of what it is

you have been living under a rock but that's okay you might be overseas you might be from the UK so Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings fame made a movie

to commemorate 100 years since the end of the First World War with a film called they shall not grow old um where he used um a lot of old cine film a lot of old super is it super that we super eight film about then cine film i think yeah um he slowed it down colorized it in a painstaking process and then used lip readers um to ascertain what the people in the scene film were saying, voiced it with voice actors,

and then over the top of that, laid archive interview audio from men who fought in the trenches in a load of different battalions. I think from the 60s, I think there was a BBC project to interview survivors of World War I, and they used that audio.

And it's an amazing film I think it's an hour and a half long How difficult must the whole process of isolating what they're saying I think it's a must I mean colourisation

has been around for a long time but like the actual sort of lip reading because obviously you're bringing together so many different cultures so many different people from different parts

of the country and the world how do you sort of figure out how people what people are saying? Because language now is very different to language a hundred years ago.

I was speaking to Danny Kelly who I work with every week and he was saying that it was based on, they got some deaf guys to do it, almost like professional literary type guys to do it.

But it's an amazing movie and it's incredible to think of everything that went on, and that sounds like a fairly obvious thing to say. But I would recommend watching it for obvious reasons. But there's just one moment in it when, because the cine film they use, and I keep using the phrase cine film.

I hope that's the right phrase, but you guys know what I mean. Just film, isn't it? It's just film, basically, yeah. But the thing is, that type of film is really quick. It's something to do with the way it's made. Well, no, it'll be like 7 frames a second or 15 frames a second. Instead of like modern television's 24.

So everything looks really fast. It looks almost quite comic. Which to be honest, Peter Jackson in the last Hobbit films went for 50 frames a second. He's gone face and famine there, hasn't he? Right, okay. There's a moment in this film, so it starts off with all the film and the black and white,

and it looks quite sort of, as you'd expect. It feels a bit like, you know, when you used to watch a video in history class or whatever. But there's a moment of several minutes in, I can't remember how many minutes in, but a while, where at one point when they start talking about the start of the war, so they go from the signing up and all this other stuff and the propaganda to the war starting, where it slows down and comes into colour.

And it is honestly one of the most breathtaking things I've ever seen watching a movie. And that sounds obvious, but it instantly gives that a relatability that you never would have seen before because they all of a sudden look like proper human beings, young men, all of them, some of them, down to 15, 16 years of age.

And you get a sense of the humanity of it almost instantly and then from then on no no no no exaggeration to say you cannot take your eyes off it it is it is astonishingly good it's called they shall not grow old it's been it's a big build up on facebook and on the bbc and they put it out uh last sunday it's very very very much worth a. If you can find it on iPlayer and do so, if you're overseas, find it somewhere, just watch it. It's brilliant. Did you say Johan Rebogen, I've just Googled him, 94 years old,

is on trial. I shouldn't laugh, but it just makes me giggle a little bit. He's on trial in a juvenile court. Right. So like when he's pictured in photographs and videos and stuff, because of the atrocities he was involved in in the war. He was an ex-Nazi, was he?

He was an ex-Nazi. Accused ex-Nazi. He was an enlisted SS officer. He went on trial on Tuesday in a German juvenile court because he was under 21 at the time. Right. So when it's pictured in film on the news websites and stuff, they have to obscure his face because at the time he was under 21

and now he's 94 years old and he's on trial. That's crazy, isn't it? It's mad, isn't it? When we were in Berlin, obviously that second world war. He's not going to look the same, surely. No, exactly. Obviously that second world war, not first world war. But you know when we were over in Berlin,

I think we were over in Berlin about four or five years ago this weekend, ago this weekend you and ip and do you remember the posters being up all over berlin about saying this is your last chance if you know anything this is the last chance we're going to get to to prosecute any nazi collaborators and nazi war criminals and um it's quite fascinating to see that um so it's surprising to see it that's still going on now but you know i've read a really good book i might mention it on this show called um the nazi hunters by andrew nagorski who also wrote hitlerland he talks a lot about the process of of how nazi hunters back in the day um found these these high-ranking nazi officials and sometimes the uh the lower ranking ones as well and there was a guy who was prosecuted fairly recently and the big um the big debate that came about was because he got like

I think he was about 97 anyway and he was in poor health and he was found guilty of being I forget the exact terminology but it's something like accessory to the

machine of death or something like that and he was a guy I think who might have been an accountant at one of the concentration camps and he was sentenced

to like 18 months house arrest I've got the details in front of me but it's something like that and people were saying why are we still doing this what's what's the point of this um and the people who the people who prosecuted came out with a really interesting um sort of response which was it's not about punishing the guy it's about publicly educating everyone on what happened

and taking every opportunity to do that so if people are listening to this and wondering why people of that age would probably let's face it had quite junior roles back in the day because they'd be too young to do anything else and may not have even been involved in the direct capacity or whatever it's taken as a as an educational public information type process to keep the um to keep the sort of um to keep it front and centre so people continue, they're really keen for people to continue to learn the lessons of it basically. And there should be,

you know, pictures of bloody poppy, there was that famous picture this week, a guy with a swastika on his neck with a poppy. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's like,

there's never been, there's never been a more kind of stark contrast between what people say and what people actually fucking do. I mean,

I probably know the answer to this, but that guy's presumably just one of the most stupid adult human beings in the world, right? I mean, yeah, they do kind of go in herds, don't they? Yeah, they do move in herds. Going back to that Peter Jackson film,

there's a bit of a primer, there's a bit of introduction to it. Greg Jenner, who's a really good public historian, does horrible histories. He did a brilliant accompanying Twitter thread about that movie while it was on, which is well worth a read as well, by the way. So there we go. That's

both the World Wars, covered in the first five minutes. Squared away. Squared away, yeah. Grenade thrown at the Archduke. It's all over now. Didn't they shoot him? Gavrilo Princip, didn't they shoot him?avrilo Princip didn't they shoot him no he threw a grenade on the car didn't he

did he I don't think he had a pop with a gun no Archduke Franz Ferdinand wasn't supposed to take that route as well it was slightly detoured and that's why

it was able to happen well that's why they say Trump didn't go to the Cenotaph because it was raining and the chopper was advised not to fly but then

if you want to go you just get a motorcade don't you yes I mean you're president of the United States literally how everybody else got there

yeah that is remarkable isn't it I mean you don't know hardship chaps I've had to go out in the rain I had to go out

in the rain get here yeah you did chucking it down it was you were covered in it when you got here bloody miserable Pete I put something

out on Twitter late last week in preparation for this show. Okay. I just thought I'd chuck it over to the listeners on at Luke and Pete show and said, tell us what you'd like us to talk about. Right. And I've got, I compiled and we got literally 10.

Well, you talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Sorry. I compiled, we literally got tens of replies. I compiled the top five most popular. Okay. And I've put them in order. Well, not in order, sorry. I've put them corresponding from numbers one to five.

Yeah. Now, if you pick a number, I'll tell you the subject, and you can talk about it. Four. Four, okay. Have you ever pretended to be someone else? Yeah. Japan, a member of Franz Ferdinand.

Why? Tell us more. We were talking about Archduke Franz Ferdinand a second ago. Oh, wow, that's amazing.

To think that band lied dormant for almost 100 years before they came to the fore. Go on. I don't know. I think we were talking about the previous version,

the previous time I went, well, Last in the Bar said that she was a big fan of British music, the only British band she liked. Last in the Bar, so you she said that she was a big fan of British music the only British band that she liked the last in the bar

so you were trying to impress a girl no I wasn't trying to impress a girl my she was she was the owner of the bar oh right she sort of said oh what kind of music do you like

I was like that's nonsense and um she said I like British music I like Franz Ferdinand and I was like that's a weird band

to sort of bring up behind Oasis or Blur or something like that I can imagine them being popular in Japan Franz Ferdinand yeah um and Japan and then the next time I went

with Gav a Welshman who's very becoming easy he will happily just have a laugh he will happily he's very

he's very forthright he's not he's not a wilting good laugh he's not a wallflower funny chap probably Google remind you of myself

not really he's got a beard like funny chap probably Google remind you of myself not really he's got beard like you he I think he was talking to some lasses and he told them because Franz Ferdinand

because I told him that Franz Ferdinand were a thing over in Japan he told them that we were all members of Franz Ferdinand which is a lie that you can get away with

in the early 90s when nobody had a mobile phone I'll tell you a bit more about that in a minute go on in the early noughties when nobody had a mobile phone. I'll tell you a bit more about that in a minute. Go on, yeah, carry on. But, you know, they just did a Google and went, which ones are you?

And we went, two ring members of the band. And then that's where Gav's chat with the ladies ended. You could probably pass for one of them. Your face is a blank canvas. I look like I'm from north of the border. I don't look very healthy. No, and you've also got quite a drawn face. And like I say, it's a running joke around these parts that your face is like a blank canvas.

So you didn't get away with it either. No, I didn't. Well, I was kind of half involved. I wasn't really sort of getting really involved. I've got something a lot more embarrassing than that. You want to hear it? Go on then. Pretending to be someone else.

This is, I mean, speaking about the early noughties, when I used to go out with some of my friends at uni, I sometimes used to dress as a member of the hives. Yeah, but then as soon as you start talking. The hives. Yeah, the hives. Remember them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look more... Scandinavian people have got great English. Fair than yours. Yeah. You look like a member of... Oh, who, you look like a member of, oh, who do you look like a member of?

I mean, it's absolute cringe to think I used to do that. And the thing was, Pete, the worst thing about it was, back in those days when I was like early 20s, I wanted to have

a few drinks with my friends and try and chat up a girl. I used to get no success with that outfit. I don't even know why I bothered. After the first couple of times, it's not working,

forget about it. They wear nice clothes, they don't. They wear nice suits. They used to wear white shoes and white ties and black trousers and a shirt. It was horrendous.

It was really bad. Is there any photographic evidence of your... Oh, there will be. I'll try and find some. But you know, when you look at pictures, I said a while back,

I didn't know that, I was looking over old photos from my family and you look at your mum and dad in the 70s and my wife was saying how stylish my mother looked back in the 70s and my wife was saying how stylish my mother looked

back in the 70s very demurely dressed all matching stuff it looks good and then if I think about the stuff I used to wear in my early 20s

pathetic like sweat what was it called a suit jacket over the top of a t-shirt with like sweat bands and stuff

there's a lot to be fair though there's a lot of people fair though there's a lot of people who dress like sort of modern street wear is quite a less based

like it's the stuff we used to wear when we were about 50 but the 90s is coming back now isn't it it's fashionable but for me the 90s wasn't too bad

it's that moment after the strokes came out where everyone wanted to try and be like the strokes but used to get it badly wrong well that was the point when I shaved my head so I went a bit hardcore

so right okay anyway so that's number four you've got one, two, three or five we'll do a couple now and we'll do some more next week alright Yeah. But used to get it badly wrong. Well, that was the point when I shaved my head, so I went a bit hardcore. Right, okay. Anyway, so that's number four. You've got one, two, three, or five. We'll do a couple now, and we'll do some more next week. All right. One.

Okay, number one is just more simple. It's flatmate stories. What's your best story about a flatmate? Oh. Have you got one? I mean, because you compiled this, you've probably got a story in your hand. I haven't, but I can think of one.

Have I talked about my flatmate Richie before? No. I must have done. Well, I don't know. We need more information. Apologies to those listening if I have. My friend Richie I used to live with at uni is an absolute force of nature. And a couple of things he did.

One was the first day back after Christmas break at uni, I got a DVD player for Christmas. DVD. I was delighted about it. I used to love watching movies. And so I set it up on the living room floor in the shared house at uni. First night back, obviously see the friends again, went out, got drunk, got back, Richie fell over and smashed it.

It's like three bits. And another thing he did, he said, we got back drunk one night and he said, I'm going to make you some dinner. What do you want to eat? I said, I don't mind, whatever. So he goes into the freezer, finds a load of frozen fish,

you know, breaded fish, like bird's eye fish, puts it in the oven and he doesn't come back for ages. He's like, all right, okay, fine. I don't know what he's doing. Went in there, found him tucking into one of them

about half hour later. Oh, he's eating it raw. And turned the oven on. And turned the oven on. So it was all completely raw. He's crunching his way through frozen breaded fish. That's all right,

as long as you don't, it's the middle point, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose so. It's the middle point between frozen and hot. Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. It's unhealthy. So hopefully, by the time the frozen fish gets to his gut,

the acid will get rid of it. Yeah, exactly, yeah. That of it. Yeah, exactly. That's fine. Yeah, you have to. I'm sorry, I must admit. I noticed on Instagram you also posted, actually you didn't, your good lady wife posted on Instagram

an adorable little letter you wrote the tooth fairy. Oh yeah? When you were a young child. Why don't you read it out then? Dear tooth fairy, I've lost my tooth today. I've been looking for it at school which i was where i lost it please can you still give me some money from luke and i actually always

on the take and i've actually got the response from the tooth fairy i'll go ahead dear luke who the hell do you think you are can you still give me some money indeed if i gave cold hard cash to everyone who happened to lose their tooth at school how how would I still have the respect of my friends Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Peter Parker from Spider-Man? Would a bank just leave cash in your awful little Hampshire talons after you'd given them some sob story about your check falling into a vat of school custards?

Suck my balls, Luke Moore. I'm the tooth fairy, not a tooth mug, which weirdly enough is where I keep my teeth I collect until I can give them to my employers. We're fully filled out administrative paperwork because I'm not a fucking liability like little baby Moa. Have a harmonious day, cunt.

The tooth fairy. That's harsh. That is harsh. To an eight-year-old, that is a bit harsh, isn't it? I mean, call me my Hampshire talons. Yeah. That is fucking harsh.

Speaking of keeping teeth in milk... I had to Google where Hampshire was. I had to Google where you were from. If your teeth falls out of your mouth and it includes the root, the first thing you should do is pop it in a mug of a glass of milk. Yeah.

And take it to the dentist. And go, check out, do you want a drink? Ah, it sucks to be you. Oh, it's got tooth in it. I thought you liked teeth. Yeah, you're a dentist.

You made your whole life's work. I was once walking across Golden Square to come and meet you. A bit into an unpopped piece of corn in a snacker jack and broke my tooth off. And I thought, I'll keep it. I'll put it in some milk. Took it to the dentist. It was in the evening.

Took it to the dentist the next day. He said, what do you want me to do with that? I said, well, I kept it in milk. He went, yeah, only if it's got the root attached to it as well. I thought you meant it was going to be a bit of snacker jack. I said, what are you going to do about it? He said, I'm going to put it in the bin. He put it in the bin.

Put my tooth in the bin. That was it. I've kept this in milk for ages. He said, you can get a going to be a bit of snacker jack. I said what are you going to do about it? He said I'm going to put it in the bin. He put it in the bin. Put my tooth in the bin. That was it. I've kept this in milk for ages. You can get a replacement if you want but otherwise

no. There we go. We'll do some more of these listener suggestions next time around but I think we should have a little break and then come

back and do the best part of the show which is your emails. Oh yeah. I'll give you so much time to get ready. Yeah but they're all in disarray.

It's your fault isn't it it's not my fault she's going to report me for saying bugger you know oh just wait till I see your mother you're in real trouble oh I say

what if you've got to go and see her then tell her this bugger shit fuck shit fucking sphincter it's always a favourite that was on

breakfast television was it no I love it if it was Brian Blesser wouldn't care oh shit sphincter Brian Blesser was't care oh shit sphincter Brian Blesser was on

who do you think you are and he traced his family back to Portsmouth is that right yeah what about this he looks like a man from Portsmouth

he does a bit people have different sphincters it's just a valve isn't it stop it what Paul Stipala's been in touch Paul's sphincter's been in touch hello at lukeandpete show

dot com Pete you'll love this you're going to absolutely love this when I saw this in the email inbox, I couldn't believe you hadn't flagged it. Right.

I was delighted. He says, hello, gents. Love the show. Was it in the last five emails sent? Might have been. Not spam. No, exactly. Hearing your chat on discontinued food,

it took me back to my uni days where I found the delectable vanilla ice cream flavoured Monster Munch. Oh, yeah. Did we not read this out last week? I don't know. Anyone else who had them, but I couldn't get enough of them, so my local stopped stocking them.

No, I've never heard of that before. Maybe I started. They were on sale as late as 2000 and... Yeah, 2002, I think. Did you have any? Yeah. They didn't taste like much. They were just quite sweet. Yeah, I can I think. Did you have any? Yeah. They didn't taste like much. They were just quite sweet.

Yeah, I can't get with that. But we're so kind of used to our... I remember Tudor crisps. I'm a chocolate version for a little while. Who? Tudor? Tudor crisps. Oh, no, northern.

Very northern. Seabrook's northern as well, aren't they? I think so. But they had... Yeah, they had sort of like... It was just like a sweet and sort of savoury kind of flavour to them. A bit too sweet, to be honest.

I can't see myself getting with them at all. That sounds horrendous. The picture looks amazing, but it sounds horrendous. The same sort of colour as Flaming Hot. Maybe that was neurotic.

Every time I would, every time I would sort of pick up, like, I'm very easily swayed with a gimmick, but I've got to a certain age where I sort of go, I know what that's going to taste like.

It's not going to taste nice. I'm just eating it because it's a new thing that I've never tasted before. Rubbish. You love it. You love a limited dish like the Japanese.

And that's funny, isn't it? Because unlike roast beef particularly and roast chicken flavoured crisps, every single brand of them tastes the same but none of them taste like chicken or beef. Roast beef does not taste like beef.

It tastes like horseradish. A little bit. I think that's the main flavour I take away from that. It tastes like um horseradish a little bit i think that's the main flavor i take away from that it tastes like almost salty beef infused dust it's what it tastes like what more are you expecting from no really i just think the flavors i just think technology should have moved on to such an extent when we've had listeners who've come home told us that their dad used to work in flavorings and used to bring things on stuff yeah i just feel like roast beef crisps should have moved on technologically by now.

It's the same with roast chicken. I don't think roast beef is a global flavour. So I don't think we should have to sort of, I don't think the rest of the world should have to kowtow to our nonsense. I'll tell you what the rest of it, I'll tell you the flavour the rest of the world love. Tell me if you can tell me what I'm thinking.

What? Have a guess. Worcestershire sauce. No, you idiot. Everywhere you go in the world, there's a particular type of crisp that you don't really get here, but they are massive everywhere else.

Ooh. Moisture sauce. Are you on crack? Well, I don't know. You didn't explain it properly. Let me have a think. Sweet chilli? I don't know.

Paprika. Paprika, yes. Isn't it? Everywhere. You get paprika everywhere. That's like mainland Europe, though, isn't it? Yeah. Spain.

Portugal. Particularly Spain, yeah. And Hamon as well. Hamon. And I'll just do this one as well quickly because it's on the same theme from Tom before you do an email, Pete. So yes, that is the cue for you to get ready.

Tom says, following on from Discontinued Things that no one else remembers in episode 108, can I present to you, and I think you're going to love this particularly, Pete, Lucas-Ade Calipos. Oh, I don't remember that at all. Like kind of like energising Calipos.

I remember having these. I'm a big fan of a Calipo. That's the only ice remember that at all. Like kind of like energizing Clippos. I remember having these. I'm a big fan of a Clippo. That's the only ice cream I really eat. He says, I remember having these as a kid in the early 90s, but literally nobody has ever heard of them. They were as tasty as they sound and only seemed to be on sale in one random cafe at my local park. And also on the subject of Lucas-Ade based innovation,

Lucas-Ade and a foil type pouch tasted so much better than any other format. I remember Lucas Aiden the pouch. Used to get that after football in the 90s. Can you not still get them? Don't think so. Because Capri Sun now

has not even got the pokey straw now, has it? Oh, has it got like a plastic top? Yeah. Ah, like at wrestling. Lucas A. Calippo's

talked to me. Ah, yeah. Matt Ford, who does the football show on Saturdays on my radio station, he once told us, well he wasn't on the story,

he was on Six Music, I think. And he was trying to get fit, basically, and so they brought a nutritionist in. It was on Russell Howard's show, I think. And they brought a nutritionist in. So every time I say Matt in the office, I just think about this bit, where they brought a nutritionist in to sort of go,

like, what are you having in the morning? And the first thing he drinks is like, I just have a big bottle of Lucashead. And they're going, that is the worst thing you can possibly... And he's going, no, but you don't understand. Ah, it's delicious. And she's going, yeah, but it's the worst thing you can possibly have.

Right. Because it's just, you know, it's just full of sugar and calories. And he's like going, no, but you don't understand. It's, ah, it's so delicious. And she, they were on, like, she was on to sort of educate him on how to eat properly and stuff. And so I saw him a few weeks ago and I was sort of going, Matt, you don't understand.

Lucas said, oh, yeah, it's great with a hangover. He probably can't remember the feature he did about 10 years ago on the radio but that's all I can think about when I see him. That's all I can think about. And what do you have in the mornings? I don't eat a lot in the mornings but I try and get a breakfast now I've grown older. Isn't it normally leftover

Chinese? I would have had that if I hadn't eaten those leftovers about two hours after I'd eaten the Chinese. I had a lovely Chinese last night. You have a Chinese every... Tuk Tuk's moved away so I had to go to

Cafe TPT which is a Deliveroo based situation. It's a Donaldson Sunday night for a dish isn't it? You sit at home

on your own eating Chinese. I watch a bit of Tech Morning if there's a video available. What's that? I watch YouTube.

He's a guy who just goes through old 70s sort of video technology, like videos on records and stuff. But I've gone back to BigClive.com, who's a guy who just takes apart really cheap electronics that dads buy in pound shops. And he goes, oh, there's so much amperage here.

It's so dangerous. But he's got a beautiful kind of Scottish lilt. You sent me a picture of still of one of those the other day. Oh, it's so dangerous. I don't know. What did I sendlt you sent me a picture of still of one of those the other day oh it's so dangerous I don't know what did I send you it's like a little microphone pulled to pieces

I think no that was me that was actually you wasn't it yeah that was me going this microphone is fucked a microphone I put on eBay

by the way and I actually got an email from my guy yesterday going is there any damage to the microphone it's literally in pieces sort of

I mean none of the pieces are damaged I mean it doesn't fucking work and all that much they're not damaged is there any damage to the microphone? It's literally in pieces. Sort of. Yeah. I mean, none of the pieces are damaged. I mean, it doesn't fucking work and all that much. They're not damaged, but neither are they joined together.

Explain damaged. I love that. So you, so, so you spend Sunday nights on your own in your flat eating Chinese, watching 70s videos on YouTube

about technology or videos about 70s technology on YouTube about technology or videos about 70s technology on YouTube correct yeah is that depressing or not I'm just I'm asking the question

did you think your life would turn out that way it's a nice little routine isn't it yeah when you were asked about that when you were 11 what did you want to be

when you were 36 well I think when I was 8 I was discussed on this show I wrote you said what would you say what would you do if you were like a millionaire

or when you were growing up or something and I wrote have sex with Sam Fox. And, and, was it, something,

I had this JR kind of fantasy. That's the thing. That's the thing. These kind of influences and stuff, these kids are, you know, you talk about violent video games.

I think the more damaging is those influencers who are pretending this kind of really glamorous life is theirs you know going from like limitless

swimming pools what do they call them endless swimming pools infinity pools and stuff in these beautiful what was your second one so when you were 8

you were asked what you'd do if you were a millionaire you said you would have first of all you'd have sex with Sam Fox I mean you're 8 at this point so you're turning

Sam Fox into a pedophile yeah the t-shirt what's the second one did you give me a download for that okay i just imagine sam fox saying all right and you go yeah uh she's gonna have sex and her going not really you're eight and you go but i'm a millionaire yeah so am i yeah so what yeah i'm easily a million you're anticipating that being the great leveler yeah what was the second thing you said you would do? I can't remember, to be honest. You just said it then. Trying to do a GR.

GR. I wanted to be JR. Oh, JR. You're from Dallas. Yeah, I'm saying that that kind of thing is watching the glamorous lives of other people. Yeah. Like The Only Way is Essex, like everybody else. There's no what's there.

It's just people sort of doing not very much at all. So are you saying that it's not damaging for of doing not very much at all so are you saying it's not damaging for kids these days with Instagram stars and YouTube stars like Jack Mate who does a show with us

because back in the day it was like the Wild West literally because you wanted to be J.R. Ewing when you were 8 exactly I wanted to own

oil fields did you really want to own oil fields or did you just want to have a nice hat or whatever well a bit of both to be honest

if an 8 year old me was given the choice between an oil field and a nice hat probably whatever? Well, a bit of both. Yeah. To be honest, if an eight-year-old me was given the choice between an oil field and a nice hat, probably the nice hat I'd take, wouldn't it? Yeah. I have no use. I cannot get the oil out of the ground. Sorry, guys. I mean, I appreciate you giving me the oil,

but I'm eight years old. I've got nowhere refining it. I don't know how to refine it. Sorry, Sam Fox is on the phone. Yeah, you at eight years old. Sam, give me a second. I've got something on. You at eight years old in a Gola tracks a second. I've got something on. You were eight years old

in a Gola tracksuit with a massive 80s mobile phone going, I mean, this oil is very crude. I've spoken to my dad. I don't even, he doesn't know where a cracking tower can be found at this late stage. I wish it was sea coal, to be honest.

My dad's mate would have sorted it out for me. He's just driven it right into the house. Straight on the fire, that. But crude oil, I can't do anything with. Was it ever given to you

by the teacher how you would obtain the million pounds? No. It's our own fault for writing a spurious kind of capitalist fucking, you know,

manifesto that I've got to kind of deal with. If you've got a million pounds, what are you going to do with it? What were some of the other... Well, it's supposed to teach you a lesson, isn't it?

What's the lesson? Well, the lesson is you be responsible for your money to be fair the same teacher Mrs Barlow came in one time and gave us a massive

a massive kind of like speech about how important the being around the world Lisa Stansfield song was I think it's a good tune but it was like because she's clearly gone through a breakup

it was either Lisa Stansfield with that or nothing compares to you by... Oh, that's more problematic. But either way, she'd been through a breakup and she wanted to take it out on a lot of eight-year-olds. So I love that.

I love that happening. And then you saying you went out and slept with Sam Fox and her just going, she'll just break your heart. I tell you what, she'll fucking break your heart. She'll end up gay. She'll break your bloody heart. So Mrs. Barlow, what's her character?

Can you remember what any of the other students wanted to do with Emily? Probably something like, I want to give it to charity because it was like in the middle of fucking Geldof and Emlott,

isn't it? Yeah. I remember having a big old row. I was quite, as you can probably imagine, quite a pretentious child. Yeah. And I remember Father Albie.

I went to a Church of England school. Father Albie? Father Albie came in and gave us the old bit about go or's not we had to do prayers every morning i went to go do um i think let's go to st john's church like once a week and we did christingles at christmas that kind of crap and um father albie used to come in and in my mind it feels like it was every week it's a junior school so i'd have been similar age in the same way that Cadphile or Father what's his name

used to investigate every week oh Father what was his name I can't remember Father something not Cadphile Father

Cadphile was a monk detective wasn't he why I don't get that I don't get that Father something investigates

it's like in the Name of the Rose with Sean Connery and Christian Slater and I used to watch that because there's an amazing sex scene in it and I was only about 10

and it was really exciting but anyway Father Albie came in right and he starts talking to the class of 8 year olds and stuff

and he's saying all this shit and my parents put me in Church of England school because it was a good school they weren't religious yeah they weren't religious and Father Albie

starts spinning us all a yarn about how you should never lie you should never lie you should never lie about shit because it's bad and Jesus

all that kind of crap and then I because I was a pretentious you know annoying child I remember correcting my teacher's

spelling at one point that's fair do's no that's fair do's she misspelt the word biscuit and apparently she still sees my mum in the local supermarket

maybe she was banging a limp biscuit yeah no it was before then she misspelt the word biscuit and apparently she still sees my mum in the local supermarket maybe she was banging a limp biscuit yeah no it was before then she apparently my mum says she sometimes still sees her

Mrs Pete Mrs Pete her name is but P-E-A-T P-E-A-T and she always mentions it even now in the supermarket yeah

with child yeah hopefully that'd be great wouldn't it just casually chucking a packet of digestive in oh remember that time? Anyway. Still hurts.

So Father Albie's involved. Still real to me, damn it. With respect to people who like God, good for you, but he's spinning all this stuff, right? I've got no problem with that, but he's spinning this stuff. He says, it's bad to lie. Jesus wouldn't lie, all the rest of it. I said, what about if, you know, your friend says,

oh, I look, how do I look? And they look terrible. You wouldn't just say that, right? Because that would be mean. It's a very basic school kid way of saying it. Even then, I remember it flummoxing him. Well, he was like. He was like, well, yeah, I mean, you know, you can't be rude.

I said, yeah, but you told us not to lie. I was like, what's more important, lying or being rude? Yeah, exactly. But he didn't have the answer. Well, I remember having, there was a, I went to Catholic school and I had a similarly impassioned conversation with Father Hogarth, who was the non-drunk father in the school. Right. Because there was like nuns and shit flying around our school. It was like, they used to.

Flying? Fucking hell. Flying around like Harry Potter. Imbibed with the spirit of the Lord, no doubt. It was Dawn French in a painting. the spirit of the Lord no doubt it was Dawn French in a painting

they had and I was we had this big assembly about you know entrepreneurs because entrepreneurs are quite a big thing in the age

weren't they oh yeah it was Virgin Branson he had this big speech about how you know hard work

and so and so got him to where he was today blah blah blah and I was at lunch and I was like father why do we have

a whole assembly about Richard fucking Branson when, you know, blessed are the meek, and we should be looking after the... He doesn't do any of those things. We shouldn't be chasing the money. Drive a camel through the eye of a needle. Jesus, you know, flip the tables in the marketplace.

Money lends his temple, that was. So it was just... Yeah, what did he say? He went, that's a very good point, Peter. He didn't elaborate or help me out on my existential crisis. That's the reason neither of us are religious. We've both been let down by religious leaders in our childhood. I was molested by them.

Oh, what? That must be time to leave. What? We've got to go. Well, he's got to leave. Father whoever he was. He probably has by now. He was, well, that was Church of England, one of your lot.

Touching my titties. What are my lot? Touching them titties. You have to explain that aren't you we've said this on the show before haven't we I was a Cub Scout

his father came in priest no it's not priest it's a vicar or whatever vicar came in I sat on his knee in front of the rest

of the Cub Scout hut and he took my top off and pointed out on my torso where the lungs were and where the stomach was and where why did you need to take my top off well you can't see any of those things

you're probably so skinny i could see your organs oh let's get out of here in my mind that's that story and your picture of you next to that chimp of like amalgamated and in my mind you're on the stage with a chimp talking about the various ages of man. That was at the same stage that I did a one-man show based on the sitcom Bread. Oh, well, let's talk about that next time. Let's get out of here.

I would say. Luke and Pete theme out. Hello at lukeandpeetshow.com. Yes, it has just taken Pete 45 seconds to find the jingle. It's becoming more and more of a problem in our play-out system. Nevertheless, we'll be back next time for episode 118.

We'll see you then. Stop doing new shows then.