The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 120: Pete on a bus shelter

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

It happened. Pete was once on the side of a bus shelter and it was on a bad hair day as well. Nightmare. In his line of work, presentation is everything. Tune in to hear more.Elsewhere in this episode, we lament the passing of the great Stan Lee, we hear an incredible story about a drive-by blowdart attack in the middle of nowhere, and Luke lifts the lid on what it was like to grow up the grandson of a bakery magnate.Ever been shot by a blowdart? Let us know: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. We're back for another episode of the Luke and Pete show. I'm the Pete bit of the Luke and Pete show. I'm the Pete bit of the Luke and Pete show. Luke is the Luke bit of the Luke and Pete show. A little bit later on, in around about 10 minutes, we're going to have a live checking into a flight because that's what Luke has to do at quarter past 11.

Thanks for the reminder. It's really important. I'll be in big trouble if I don't do that. It's going to be really exciting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're recording a podcast. Your good lady wife, she's in an office. She could be. Yeah. I mean, we're recording a podcast.

Your good lady wife, she's in an office. She could be doing this. I had the book and I didn't know. Hand all the reins to your emails. Danger boy. It's incumbent upon me.

No, because it's done on my BA app and account and I'll be honest with you, I can't remember the password. So it logs me

automatically. It was just an admin minefield to get anyone else to do it. So I'm going to need to do it. All right. Okay. All right. We'll do that in 10 minutes it. So I'm going to need to do it, all right? Okay, all right.

We're going to be doing that in 10 minutes' time. How have you been, Luke? Very well, thanks. Not too bad. Canny complain, really. Weather's still weirdly warm. It is, yeah. I keep on dressing like it's winter, but feeling very hot.

Certainly on the tube. The tube doesn't know what it's at. It's too warm down there. I'm about to fly to the US for the flight that I'm checking in for, and it's minus two there at the moment where I'm going. Holy moly. I'm going to pop to Cluj, I think. Are you?

A few of my friends have been there. In a couple of weeks' time. What for? Just a weekend. I've never been to Romania. A few of my friends... But I'm in Slovenia. Is it in Transylvania?

It's the capital, isn't it? No. Yeah, it is. It's the unofficial capital of Transylvania. Now you've said unofficial. I thought you meant it's the capital of Romania't it? No. Yeah, it is. It's the unofficial capital of Transylvania. Now you've said unofficial. I thought you meant it's the capital of Romania. No, it's not. As we all know.

That's Budapest. It's Rome. What are you going there for? Just for a weekend? Just for a weekend. I thought I'd pop over there. Because a few of my friends where I used to work, there's an office in Cluj, and they went there recently.

Did they have fun? I think so. Oh. Never mind. They don't really say much about it, which tells its own story. If anyone's got any, well, actually,

it'll be done by the time my, it'll be, this will have gone out. Pete, what can people expect if they're new to this show? What can they expect from you and from I? People,

a lot of flight chat, surprising amount of flight chat. We like talking about air travel, batteries, kids' TV shows from the 80s that is going to really alienate anybody not from these shows. Let's try and alienate as many people as we can, actually.

I think so. Let's just jettison. Very much like the torpedoes in the U-boat last time, we need to jettison for greater buoyancy some listeners. I agree. Because we can't soar to the sun we're sort of doing that anyway yeah but um you know people who listen who are listening who probably

don't care about podcasting other than the fact they like listening to them on the way into work and which is an absolutely perfectly reasonable uh place to be in yeah um won't probably won't know that there's a quite a not a sizable backlash but a backlash nonetheless from some wags on twitter and people who make their um make their money in their career by being witty and and cutting and making sort of observations and comment commentaries about the state of the world say that oh yeah podcasting is you know podcasting is like the back tattoo for girls in the 90s for white men. And also, you know, podcasting, or as we call it, two or more white men sitting around a table talking about rubbish.

Why are you recording this? Why don't you just have a phone call with your mates? And really, if you could think of the apex of that in podcasting, well, it's probably a Luke and Pete show, isn't't it if we want a dictionary definition of underwhelming white men talking in a room yeah we're very much

the dictionary definition of it the only saving grace is probably that at least we built the room ourselves we did we're not recording it on a Mapland's mic

in our front room no and also I don't think reviewing films reviewing Marvel cinema and the one we could do that R.I.P. Stanley

oh absolutely or Spike Lee as he was called in the newspaper did you see that yeah I did.p stanley oh absolutely or spike lee as he was called in the newspaper did you see that yeah i did excellent that was very good i enjoyed that a lot he i would argue he probably looks i think probably in my brain back in the day i probably thought his name was spike lee he looks like a spike i know you mean do you not think yeah that guy looks like a spike um it was one of my favorite because it was on the front page of a newspaper

and uh it's one of those ones where you look at it and you go, oh yeah, that's funny. It's not quite at the level of my favourite of all time where, you've probably seen it, I'll try and describe it,

where the headline is paedophile, something to do with a paedophile and then underneath it on the big front page spread and the lower half is a bloke

with a camera about something completely different i think he's like winning wildlife photographer of the year saying he's having a whale of a time it wasn't quite that level i love it i think it might be it was it was i think it's the irish tribune or something that did uh the spike lee stanley confusion but weren't they the ones who did it wasn't the irish tribune i think it was like the gisborne herald or something i thought it was irish wasnisborne Herald or something I thought it was Irish wasn't it was it

okay maybe it was I thought it was Ireland never mind it might have been the same one do you remember Stormzy and Lukaku yes Stormzy kicked off about that

but you do sort of go it's a bad example of getting upset about race blindness and people thinking that other races look the same because

Ronald Lukaku really does look like Stormzy. You want to go, Stormzy, have you realised you really look like Romelu Lukaku? I know they've run a picture of you in the newspaper saying it's Romelu Lukaku. At the very best, it's poor workmanship, isn't it? It's poor organisation of your photographs, I think.

Yeah, I agree. I think so. By the way, have you ever seen that video footage of Stormzy stopping a gig to watch the England-Columbia penalty shootout in the World Cup? Which is the most, I mean, which is the most biggest,

like the biggest gamble you can imagine doing. Massively. And then when England scored the winning penalty, obviously the party just blows up. But it could have just got, everyone was just going, oh,

oh, great. We're going to play now. Dry your eyes by the streets. You know, what are you going to play? Incredible, isn't it? Goodness me. Goodness me. First one of the show. I think we'd get on me and Stormzy. oh great we're going to play now dry your eyes by the streets you know what are you going to play incredible goodness me goodness me

first one of the show I think we'd get on Mainstormsy do you does he think that we're both fun loving both really passionate about funding

underprivileged people to get to Oxford and Cambridge correct yeah I've started an initiative where they can where people can get a little leg up to go to

De Montfort University I've read about this is it to do with raising money for them so they can pay their library fines and therefore graduate? Yeah, exactly. Apparently, there's a picture of me at De Montfort University opposite the student union. My friend said he'd seen it.

Didn't take a picture, though, the twat. I remember seeing a picture of you on a bus shelter for De Montfort University. And look, I'm opening myself up to criticism here i would say on average you are better dressed than me okay i'm gonna put it out there you've got a look you stick with it it works for you you look good most of the time i sometimes may joke around in polite company saying you look like a provincial hypnotist or whatever or you know rejected doctor who applicant or whatever um but genuinely you know, a rejected Doctor Who applicant or whatever. But genuinely,

you've got a better look than me and it works. But, and it is a big but, in this De Montfort... You cannot lie. No. No other brothers can deny

that when you were on that bus shelter at De Montfort University, as held up as a graduate to aspire to, you were dressed badly. Dressed badly. The hair was not your best hair. The hair was in between stage,

kind of trying to grow it out. And when we went to Johannesburg, I found a kind of, it was like a circular kind of hair dryer that dried hair from within rather than... Sounded like you had to buy a gadget. Oh, I didn't. I stole it. I stole it.

I stole it from Johannesburg. Same plug, so easy. And yeah, I was using that quite a lot. And I'd made like a car. I'd given myself volume, which I don't usually have. It's a gamble for a photo shoot, that. Yeah, huge, huge.

Anyway, and the most unfortunate thing, you're not the first person to be dressed in a way that you're not happy about with bad hair on a bus shelter, but the unfortunate part of the entire bus station advert in big size

was underneath, in my line of work, images everything. No. Is it, no, presentations everything. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, presentations everything. Because I'm presenting, you see, where they've got that. On the radio. Which I'm fairly certain I didn't say that

did you not and yeah not good I'd love to you can probably find I think you can still find it online that picture

dreadful that was your version of my Maldon sea salt yeah where you did the Maldon is it New Maldon or Maldon sea salt

New Maldon is a place in Surrey well what's the difference well it's spelt differently and one's a place and one's a product. Yeah, but I thought Molden might be the place

where they got the salt from. I don't think so. New Molden is in Surrey, famously landlocked county. It seems unlikely. You get... Oh, well, never mind. Maybe that's where they refined it.

Maybe it is. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, what I was going to go on to say about certain backbiters in the media commentary community was that at least we're not the type of people who say, we've been doing this for 12 years and now everyone's come along and taken it from us. We're happy.

Yeah. We're having a great time. Join us. Have a great time with us. If you don't want to, you don't have to. You want a story about a U-boat? No? Well, go somewhere else then.

Yeah. We want to listen to cereal. And also, by the way, go and have some cereal. Have some cereal. Imagine not wanting a story about a U-boat? No? Well, go somewhere else then. We'll listen to cereal. And also, by the way, go and have some cereal. Have some cereal. Imagine not wanting a story about a U-boat of that nature that you heard last time around.

It had everything. It had shit. An exploding toilet. An exploding toilet. It had torpedoes. It had batteries. It had a man who... Weirdly owning up to it.

Yeah, who weirdly owned up to what happened. Do you want to include that in your report? Well, basically I scuttled the ship because

there was a toilet malfunction. Yeah. A couple of people are dead. I've been captured. I'll see you in a bit. There should be no

system that allows you to flood your own toilet on a U-boat. There just shouldn't be. It's gone down the U-bend,

the old German army. Would you, if you joined the Navy, was your old man ever a submariner? No. Would you ever do it? Would I what? Go in as your old man ever a submariner? No.

Would you ever do it? Would I what? Go in a submarine? Be a submariner? Yeah, probably. You don't have any claustrophobia issues? Nah. Fuck it.

I'm in here, aren't I? I'm in a box in an office. This is bigger than most people's flats in London, this studio. It's bigger than your flat. It's bigger than my flat. I suppose, yeah, you can't be close.

We talked about phobias a bit before. What, what is your, the phobias you sort of most identify with? Because you probably don't have one.

You don't want to cheapen people's genuine phobias, but what's the one you most identify with? The only one I can really think of, as we've spoken about before, is the ankle thing.

I just can't, I don't like ankles getting rolled. And I know that's probably not an official phobia, but because I've done it a few times myself I know

how painful it is and it's just seeing people roll their ankles or women on really high stilettos that when they walk down the street

they're constantly falling off them I'm like oh god oh you're going to roll your ankle do you remember when I sent you

that video that golfer popping his ankle back in you hated that didn't you you hated it fucking dreadful

you'll find me on most nights in Seoul running down the street going madam no You hated that, didn't you? You hated it. Fucking dreadful. You'll find me on most nights in Seoul running down the street going, Madam, no! Yeah. Save your ankles. People think you're some sort of pervert. Save your ankles. Excellent. All right, well, let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here for a break and come back. I've got an email. It's very claustrophobic. Pete, I've got an email about a blow dart shooting in New Mexico coming up. Oh, let's have a bit of that. She's going to report me for saying bugger you know

oh just wait till I see your mother you're in real trouble oh I say what if she's going to go and see you then tell her this bugger shit

fuck shit fucking sphincter fucking sphincter do you know what happens every time we make some of these shows I think to myself at the beginning of the record

I must get on to Pete and see if he can get some new advert jingles and then I hear that one and that one's going nowhere don't need it don't need a new one. Don't need it.

Because when that's the headline one, it doesn't get any better than that. Right, do you want a blow.email, or do you want to go first, and we'll do a blow.email in a minute? I'll do the blow.email, and you can check in your flame. Yes, Peter.

Good man. Appreciate that. Right. Chris has emailed in. If you want to email in, it's really simple. It's hello at lukenpeachshow.com. And this is from a place called Macedon in Australia.

Sounds like an extinct dinosaur. Yeah, or just a shit Macedonia. On the subject of crazy travelling tales, mysterious man in Nicaragua trapped in Croatian toilets, I thought I'd tell you a story. They're two separate people, though. Yeah. I thought I'd tell you a story from Weardsville, USA,

otherwise known as Roswell, New Mexico. I drove past there. I didn't. Somebody else drove. Now, my fiancé and I were only passing through as part of our six-month road trip around North America, unlike the horde of geeks, conspiracy nutcases, and general freaks that had drawn to the place.

After an afternoon spent at the International UFO Museum and Research Centre, which we found very hawky, but the people watching was very interesting, we decided to head out for dinner at Boring Old Applebee's, the only place in walking distance of our motel. The dinner was uneventful, but it all went weird on our short walk back to our motel. As we were walking, I caught a glimpse out of the window. Sorry, sorry.

As we were walking, I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a white van slowly pulling alongside us, with the passenger window winding down i didn't think much too much about it and kept walking but a few seconds later my fiance suddenly cried out in pain i looked at her in surprise then noticed what looked specifically like a dart sticking out of her leg i quickly pulled it out and realized it was a blow dart well i assumed it was as i'd never seen them actually in real life i'd only seen them in the movies like in the opening scenes to raiders of the Lost Ark.

At first, we couldn't figure out what had happened, but realised we'd been victims of a drive-by blow dart shooting. This is crazy. This is crazy. The shooter must have been the van passenger, although we never saw what happened. And by this stage, the mysterious white van had long since gone. We called the police, mainly as we worried that some kid might get one in the eye. I half expected Mulder and Scully to show up but disappointedly

it was only regular Roswell City PD. They were surprised as we were at what had happened but unfortunately I could provide them with no leads. Mysterious white van being a pretty ordinary witness statement. We were a bit concerned that the blowout might be poisoned as it would be in the movies but luckily there were no further symptoms. What a horrible situation for you to

go through Chris. I'd be worried about sort of the, that there'd be a reason for it to happen, right? So there'd be some sort of like poison tip to it or something like that. Oh, have they just rubbed it on the back of a tropical frog? Pathetic work, innit? We attempt to get the hell out of Roswell first thing the following day,

although in another bizarre twist, we walk up to find it heavily snowing, which I didn't think it was possible in November in New Mexico, and this delayed our getaway. We vow never to return, and I advise the which I didn't think it was possible in November in New Mexico, and this delayed our getaway. We vowed never to return, and I advise the good listener of the show not to visit either. As far as I know, they never caught the bastards. Anyway, I love the show and keep up the good work.

Cheers, Chris. I don't even know where you would get a blow dart. Yeah. I mean, I can sort of imagine where you'd get a child's one or something. No, like, why would kids have blow darts, for crying out loud? Yeah. Because they're those like things with the fur on the back aren't they to to get a bit of purchase as it goes down the

old uh well like an arrow yeah quiver not quiver quiver's where you hold it isn't it a flight i would say a flight definitely it's just it just gets sort of um i just don't know in america why you would need a blow dart where you can clearly administer um darts with guns i don't know seems a bit strange i tried When I read that email, I tried to look up if it was rare to get snow in New Mexico at that time of year. Yeah, that's the most interesting part of the email, isn't it? But I was sidetracked.

Oh, well, never mind. I never got around to it. Here's a quick email from a man who... Who was that email from? Chris. That was a really good email, Chris. We've got another one from Jor. Loving this one.

Hi guys. Big fan of the show. After enjoying the many compelling and often peculiar stories you guys share I fancy checking a mysterious one

on the Logan Beach Storytelling Campfire. Having embarked on an expedition in the Soviet Union's Ural Mountains in 1959

a group of nine young hikers were found dead under extremely mysterious circumstances. I just say I genuinely thought he was talking about himself then.

Well, actually, yeah, it's funny because when I was in the Ural Mountains in 1959... I found nine young hikers dead. I've seen this story before and it's fucking fascinating. I think based on that opening gambit, I think I might have as well. Is it about people being found in the tent with no teeth and stuff? Yeah, wacky shit. Once the group of nine were reported missing, a search and rescue team was dispatched

only to discover a horrifying and inexplicable scene. The group's tent was found damaged having been cut open from the inside. The tent still contained

all of the nine group's members' belongings including their shoes. Nine sets of shoeless footprints were found in the snow all leading to a nearby forest about a mile from camp.

At the forest's edge the first two bodies of the group were found dressed only in their underwear. Branches on an 8x3 were broken up to 5 metres high, suggesting that someone had attempted to climb the tree. The other bodies were eventually

found, four of which were further within the forest. One body was missing their tongues and eyes, another had massive blunt trauma injuries to the skull. It was concluded that the six group members had died of hypothermia and three of fatal injuries. The reason for the group fleeing their camp in such a mad hurry remains an unsolved mystery today and has been dubbed the Dyatlov Pass incident.

There are many theories of what happened, ranging from the group getting caught in a secret radioactive weapons test to an attack by a Russian yeti or a nearby tribe. Although there is probably a logical explanation as to what happened, this mystery sends shivers up the spine and certainly gets the mind wandering. Also, don't ask how you know why a tent was cut open from the inside rather than the outside, as I have absolutely no idea. And he attaches a photo of the tent

and it's all very chilling. Thank you, Joe. I have read about this. What do you think? I mean, because people will invoke things like, well, maybe not exactly, but this is partly a good example of people talking about occam's razor right yeah you know about occam's razor so the in a you know in a variety of options about how to explain explain a situation invariably the simplest is true yeah

pack of bears yeah pack of bears people are walking up when they were um in their tent and it was you know what tents are quite like the sleeping bags and stuff can get a bit hot so you probably are going to be in your underwear um they were walking by a bear the bear had a little chomp chomp and hurt everyone well no so i was just going to go on to say probably aliens yeah i was thinking like a gas that um created like some kind of mania towards them like they just went a bit mad and sort of all ran around and then they got eaten by bears. Yeah, could be. There's definitely a bear involved somewhere.

Could be. It's quite a famous incident. Now you've read it out. I used to have a book called, what was it called? Unexplained Mysteries or something. A big sort of hardcover book. It sort of said lightning, it sort of said all kinds of explanations. And it was included in that.

I don't know. Fascinating story. It's kind of unnerving me that you've got a hat on, by the way, Luke, that says, it's got the number 47 on the bridge of the hat. Right. And I've been playing a lot of Hitman 2,

and 47 is the name of the main guy. And I'm worried that you might be a secret Hitman. I'll take it off. Sent to kill me. Oh, that is some hat hair. I've been rumbled. Oh, that is solid. I'll take it off. Sent to kill me. Oh, that is some hat hair. I've been rumbled. Oh, that is sad. I've got hat hair.

Do you put product in your hair? Look how much hair I've got from a man of my age. Look how much hair I've got. Give it a big old, like, what's it around? Like a big afro. Yes. That's a better look, I think. I think you suit a bit of volume.

Thanks, mate. I said I suit, you suit a bit of volume. Thanks, mate. What about this, Peter a bit of volume. Thanks, mate. What about this, Peter? Have you checked in your flight? Yes, I've done it.

Yes. I've actually, yeah, I've done it. What about this from Joe, Pete? Have you got any flammable liquids? Are you bringing

a lithium-ion battery onto the flight? Firearms. Have you checked it in firearms? Yeah, fireworks. Corrosives? Yeah.

Any of that? Some endangered species. An entire thermos of shark fin soup. When I came back from Zimbabwe, you know, like they always sort of say, this is the one thing they ask you, have you been to rural Africa? They always say that in most airports. Have you been to rural Africa? You have to declare.

It's like, I spent a whole week in rural Africa. I stayed on farms, in farmhouses. All I was doing was putting my feet through elephant shit. That's all I was doing. You have to declare that. No, I didn't. In the US, they ask you if you've, I think, been in contact with farm animals as well.

Yeah, because foot and mouth's back in Scotland, isn't it? Oh, really? I didn't know that. It's either foot and mouth or Christophel's Yakov disease or just mad cow disease. It might be mad cow disease, actually. That is CJD. That's the same thing.

Well, isn't that the human component of it? Yes. Absolutely right. Bovine spongiforma. Everyone knows about that. Spongy. Yeah. What about this from Joe, Pete?

We know we talked about parental lies. Yeah. Those are people who... Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies. Tell me, tell me lies. Lovely. Bit of Fleetwood Mac?

Bit of Mac? Soft rock, cocaine enthusiast? I enjoyed the reluctance that Andy Brassel and... That's Alan Partridge line, by the way. It is. I enjoyed the reluctance that Andy Brassel and... Horncastle? Horncastle had when you were kept on breaking a song in the recent On The Continent. No, Horncastle had when you were

kept on breaking a song in the recent On The Continent. No, Horncastle loves it. Every now and again. He was very reluctant to get involved. He loves a sing song.

He's worse than me. Does he? Yeah. He sounded reluctant. Every time. It's not like you're bullying him. No. You bully him all the time.

That might be the case. You bully them more than you bully me. It's just nice to see someone getting a bit. I had to. What? Are you going to form some sort of union? You can do them. Some sort of union. more than you bully me I had to see someone get in a bit I had to what are you

going to form some sort of union some sort of union my hornzo loves a sing song Brassel not so much

but Brassel's music knowledge is almost as good as football knowledge it's unbelievable but what were we doing on Wednesday did a bit of

walking in Memphis yeah you were talking about Nirvana's go away no they haven't St. Louis St. Louis Princess that was Brassel but you know what was I going to say to you Memphis yeah you were talking about Nirvana's go away no Scentless Scentless Princess

that was Brussels but you know what was I going to say to you oh yeah I've made an absolute dick of myself

on the continent I've been getting pelters on Twitter about it oh yeah what is this about well for some reason I don't know why

and someone must have told me this and it must have been wrong but I haven't questioned it and it's remarkable this hasn't happened more on the Luke and

Pete show because we've done a hundred of these and no one's brought anything up I don't know and this is going to sound ridiculous

even by your standards Donaldson and you do sometimes drop a clangor if you don't mind me saying we were talking about Der Klassiker

which is the German game between Dortmund and Bayern Munich for those of you who aren't football fans and obviously

that's a mimicking or a mirroring of El Clasico which is the Spanish game between Real Madrid and a mirroring of el clásico which is the spanish game between real and barcelona and the super clásico which is river plate pocket juniors they've all got classic or clásico or clásico in them in france it's le classique yeah for some reason in portsmouth v sampton el clásico right for some for some reason i thought that in spanish and in germany and in german that classica didn't translate to classic it translated to darby did you think that i heard no because i heard that on the show oh okay right and i was i thought you were making a joke no i wasn't that's how bad it was oh yeah and can

you imagine a classic can you imagine the type of sandal wearing literally you lily livid literally you pinko lefties dweebs football nerds

in their mum and dad's bedroom with a poster of Che Guevara on the wall literally you going going did you see did you hear what he said

look if this like that you do that on the podcast on twitter if anyone makes a fuck-off, you're always in there like a shark. Like a bloody shark. Well, all I can say, Peter, is working

with you over the years, I've had enough fucking practice, haven't I? Let me do this email about parental lies. We did a bit of a thread a while back for people who haven't caught up yet, or haven't gone back that far, about lies that parents told their children to get them to stop being shit basically

stop being shit like you know stuff like oh you can't have your 14th choc ice of the day because when the

ice cream van goes past and plays the music it means they've run out of ice cream all that kind of crap here's a twist on

it from Joe it's not a parental lie Pete it's a grand parental lie it's a grand parent lie we don't know how old this person is so parental lie, Pete. It's a grandparental lie. It's a grandparent lie.

We don't know how old this person is, so their grandparents might be the same age as our parents. But the point is, the administering of the lie was done by the grandparent, not the parent. Is that true? That's what it says. I couldn't have gone to this email. Hi guys, been enjoying the emails about fibs parents told their kids, which they blindly believed, and it reminded me

of one my grandma used to tell my siblings and I when we were very young, which in fairness to her was actually very good. She told us all that when you lied, a black spot would appear on your tongue. We believed this and it reaped great dividends for her as whenever someone had misbehaved, broken something or stolen from the treat drawer. Oh, treat an entire drawer. That would be me. She would simply ask us if we'd done it,

which of course we'd all deny. Then she would ask us all to show our tongues. And without fail, at least one of us would not want to show it, thinking the black spot would be showing, and realise, you know, give ourselves up. That's such a good idea. There you go. What treats did your gran have out?

We used to... Oh, wow, mate. I'm fucking pleased you asked this. Right. Because this is just reminding me of something epic so my grandad just celebrated his 87th birthday

great guy love him to bits brilliant he's really funny he's the one I told you about when I made him watch Jurassic Park with me have I told you that story?

he'd never seen it before right and we were watching it at Christmas what a treat what a treat if you've never watched Jurassic Park before

and he got well into it yeah it was brilliant he's a moor of course he does he's a Watson actually watched Jurassic Park before. And he got well into it, right? Yeah. It was brilliant. He's a moor. Of course he does. He's a Watson, actually. He's my mum's son.

Anyway, he was well into it. This is a sidetracked story. I'm sat there with him in the living room. He's one end of the sofa. I'm the other end of the sofa. And it gets to the point of where all the power cuts out in Jurassic Park, right?

And it's one of my favourite ever memories of him. It's like the most perfect thing he's really into the movie about 83 at the time he looks over to me looks at the screen looks back and just looks at me with like a terrified look in his eyes just goes it's gonna be a bloodbath anyway so he was in the army for years but when he left the army he got a job delivering

for a baker yeah and we then found out that he was you know in a really British way essentially the most corrupt man in the town because he would

he would go to oh the local independent cinema become mates with the manager chuck him a couple of loaves of bread yeah

and all that kind of stuff and a few cakes and as a result none of my family never had to pay to go to the cinema again and he would do the same with the guy who ran the greengrocers and he would just basically do that

anyway he worked his way up and became the director of British Bakeries which I think I'm right in saying held a distribution deal for Mr Kipling nice

so ask me again what was in my grandparents trick drawer just a load of Mr Kipling every Mr Kipling cake you can think of what was in my grandparents trick drawer just a load of every Mr Kipling cake you can think of really ask me now why I'm three stone

overweight even fondant fancies all of them mate even the mince pies at Christmas I'm talking champion I'm talking

mighty white I'm talking fondant fancies bakewell slices angel slices manor house which was my favourite at the time. What was manor house? Like a big fruitcake with sugar on top.

All of them, mate. That was me. Oh, that's magical. Great stuff, isn't it? You never went short for a bit of cake or a bit of bread? Not that I'm a nance house, no. I think my mum might have stopped it getting delivered to our house. My mum used to get really small, tiny Danish loaves, they called them.

Oh, yeah? Presumably, because it started in the north of Europe. Tiny little wee. It was quite adorable, and they made some good toast, but you don't really see them very often anymore. I think people demand a bit more of their bread. So, continuing the breaded goods dynasty in my family in a slightly different way.

For a while, I was working in the bakery section of Safeway as a kid. I got farmed around to every department in Safeway. You must have been like royalty. No, they hated me. You must have been like, I'm the grandson of British Bakery's Ted. All the older guys in Safeway knew my granddad. This is before I was old enough to really understand it was only later on

all this stuff came out that one of them always used to say oh Les your grandad he's trucking in a box load of monkeys and basically make out that he was just

this great man about town but isn't that about isn't that like isn't that kind of how you get a chairmanship that's how you kind of become you kind of keep

I think he was only like sales director or something. Yeah, just being, you know, just being a bit tricksy. He's a very affable chap. Yeah. People do like him, yeah. That's where you came from.

What was I going to say? You asked me a question. What was it? Oh, yeah, the little Danish loaves. I remember because I used to handle the delivery. It was an awful job

because you used to have to start. I think you had to start at six. Blech. And so, obviously, get all the bread out, because the shop opened at eight, and take the delivery in or whatever. And those little Danish loaves

were definitely a part of it. But the problem with those is that the actual slices are very small. So you're not really getting much out of that, unless you have a smaller appetite, which has never really been my thing. Never really been my bag. Grans eat so little.

It's insane. If you want to get a Tudor show, hello at lucanpete.com. It's really simple. Send us your parental lies, your grandparental lies, your bakery stories, your granddad stories,

your corruption stories. You know, you're getting into the cinema for free stories, anything. And we'll see you next time. It's been a bloody pleasure as always, Peter. Did you ever do that thing in the cinema where you ran from one screening to the next? You just run into the other cinema? Yeah, people used to have a scam going on where you buy one ticket that thing at the cinema where you ran from one screening to the next? You just run into

the other cinema? Yeah, people used to have a scam gun where you buy one ticket and stand in the cinema all day. Our local wasn't a multiplex though.

We never had a cinema. This was a Radio Stakhanov production.