The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 127: A nut without the sack

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

What better way to usher in Christmas than with plenty of chat about dead people that have dedicated their bodies to science? That's right, Pete has been to the Body Worlds exhibition, brainchild of the controversial Dr Gunther von Hagens. It's not for the squeamish.In other more traditional fare, we discuss Christmas traditions, including Pete spending quite a depressing amount of Christmas Day alone (boo hoo), followed by near-death experiences, and finally crop circles with one of the 'world's leading experts'.Have a very Merry Christmas! See you on the other side!Tell us about your festive experiences: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Just imagine that we'll have jingle bells and that because it's the 24th of December 2018, baby. Nearly Christmas. I hope you're driving around, enjoying the joys of the winter, stuck in traffic, listening to our stupid voices.

I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Moore. It's the Luke and Pete Show. Have I got PPI.com? You sent me a WhatsApp voice message with that on last night. I don't know why. Just got stuck in my head. It's Christmas.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Children singing Christian rhymes. And checking up whether they've ever been sold PPI. Yeah. Christmas time. Have I got PPI? It was actually that company have i got ppi.com yeah on the radio that made me ring them up to see because i'm fairly

certain i did get sold ppi uh but i couldn't be asked to check it out even though they say it's so easy um and i rang them up and i went have i could you check have i got ppi please and um oh they went oh we'll get back to you. And they would not stop calling. So I just gave up in the end. I'm like, I can't be bothered. And then HSBC sent me a letter saying, we've given you 200 quid. Let's keep this quiet.

Call it quits. And I was like, fine. Can you stop the PPI people ringing me? Checking if you've had PPI. It's one of the finest Christmas traditions. It's become a Christmas tradition in the UK. Cliff Richards sang a song about it, for crying out loud. He did, actually, yeah.

Oh, Luke, it's been a busy week for me pre-Christmas. I went to... Do you know where Ripley's Believe It or Not is? Just on the corner of Piccadilly. Piccadilly Circus, yeah, I know. Yeah, well, it's not there anymore. And now it's been replaced by, you know that mad German, possibly Swiss, doctor who did the Channel 4 live autopsy.

Yes, I actually know. Gunter von something or other. My friend's dad hosted that live autopsy on TV because he's a doctor. Oh, I thought you were going to say John Hayworth. I think he's called John Hayworth. He's one of the cops. Is he called Gunter von Hustraden or something? Yeah, something like that.

He's got the Body Worlds exhibition. Yes. So the Body Worlds exhibition. Yes. So the Body Worlds exhibition, or part of it, is now at the Ripley's, believe it or not, Piccadilly location. Big spares, great place to display anything. Have you seen any of these in real life before? No. I thought it would be a lot more spooky than it is

because it's genuinely human bodies. Was it quite analytical, quite medical? No, it wasn't because basically, well, the bodies, they don't look like bodies well, the bodies, they look, they don't look like bodies because of the plasticination thing that he started. It kind of makes the bodies look unreal, even though they're just essentially unwrapped humans.

So they have to be done like that to stop them rotting, presumably. Yeah, so now they're more plastic than actual. And so people who have passed away have said in their wills or whatever that you can use it for medical purposes. You can use my body, yeah. Right. And so they're all kind than actual. And so people who have passed away have said in their wills or whatever that you can use it for medical purposes. You can use my body, yeah. Right. And so they're all kind of unwrapped. You can't really sort of see any skin on them.

So they look unreal. They just look like medical models or diagrams. But kind of interspersed with almost social political commentary. Sort of like, oh, we use our phones way too much now and our brains are changing and stuff like that. And there's no real facts or figures behind it. It's just him going, kids use Game Boys too much. Oh, making a point. Sort of thing.

But my favourite... Why did you go there, by the way? Just because I've never seen any of the... I've never seen a dead body far. On your what? Are you on your own? No, I went with a friend who is also as morbid as I am. First date?

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. But you're making really inappropriate jokes. You use a joke and that person on your date with you wouldn't laugh and you go, I'll get more laughter out of him. And he's in formaldehyde in a tank. FYI, mine's bigger than his.

Though the testicles kick the balls kind of together. That's not a wreck. That is rigor mortis. But one of the more interesting ones were, speaking of sex, which we mind, was they'd put two models together having sex. So the man was lying down. The woman was on top in a reverse cowgirl configuration.

Am I right? Am I right? You're not wrong. And also the woman's stomach was kind of burst open so you could see the end of the penis inside that's unacceptable isn't it that's not what someone signed up for when they passed away well the thing is that's what i'm thinking like imagine if you're a braved wife i'm going to see my husband what you're going to do today it's sheila i'm going to see my deceased husband who bequeathed his body to science what's going on here Steve

you're fucking a woman and you're both dead what about yeah you've just signed there saying you're happy for your body to be used in the exhibition yeah that's fine

and you've signed there saying that your family is consenting yeah that's fine no problem yeah I would have that yeah fine and you've just signed there

to say that we're allowed to show your stomach ripped open with a penis on the inside of your body pardon nothing just a penis it's very binary you're. Pardon? Nothing, just a penis. Yeah, no, it's very binary.

You're either in or you're out. It's EU directive. We've got to do these things. Just tick the box. It's fine. Are we allowed to chop your penis off and put it in your mouth? Yeah. Maybe Gunter does that thing that sometimes marketing companies get you with, where one

box will say, tick if you don't want. Yes. And then it'll say, don't tick if you do want. It's like GDPR all over again, isn't it? It is. I think that's probably what we signed up for. Absolutely. I don't think that's acceptable.

I think you cannot go that far with it. Not in reverse cowgirl. Maybe that's the first time that woman had ever attempted that position. Could be. And also, if you think to yourself, I'm happy for my body to be used for medical science following my death. And that's a very noble thing and good for you for doing that when you are signing up to that kind of guy obviously we've all seen him on the telly with his hat yeah we know the kind of guy he is not be giving my body to him not the state

of him no way his little cheeky face i say yes you can use it but you can never be alone with it that's that there always has to be someone else and they can't be dead that's the right that's the rider. Sorry, do you know any people who are alive? That's the rider. So what would you give

out of ten? How many dead penises would you give out of five? Strong eight. The thing is because they're not constrained by the scrotum and the testicles

just hang directly south. So they look really weird. They look like curtains for the penis. Couple of nuts outside the sack. Yeah, one of them was like, for some reason, there was this one that was like, I think it was like,

I think he was maybe a ballet guy that they'd sort of made pretend to be a ballet guy. He might have been playing tennis. But they just, for no reason, cut open the ball. Yeah. Like, I don't understand why he did it. Tennis ball, isn't it?

Maybe. Ripped tennis ball. Yeah, that's the thing. Someone like that is always going to go a bit sort of quirky and a bit kooky with it, aren't they? They're going to, you know, they're going to pull the bum cheeks open.

Do you know what I mean? They're going to, you know, they're going to put the finger in the middle finger, giving the bird, you know, just really sort of degrade the whole thing. Yeah, I want to be given a skateboard and I want to be flipping the bird going, fuck you, society, I'm dead and I'm...

Little fingerboard on their fingers. What's it called again? A little fingerboard? I can't remember. Oh, I can't remember. I'd be interested, for example, in that exhibition. Maybe it does have this, but I'm just asking the question. If it had, say, a guy here who had died in, a car accident he's got perfectly normal brain and the guy here who had

like serious impact trauma from being playing the nfl or whatever in the state of their brains oh that's that's exactly what they had in there oh they're like lungs of a smoker lungs okay that's exactly have you been because that's literally what they have that's what i'd be interested in yeah the smoker lungs look horrible. But they look big. They look bigger than the normal lungs. You've got big lungs there, so you probably can take it. Did you see that guy? It was for me.

Did you see the guy who coughed up a perfect tree of the alveoli? Yeah, alveoli in the lungs. He made a perfect kind of branch. It's like when you pour molten metal into an anthill, and then you brush away all the soil, and then you just have this perfect representation,

sort of Christmas tree of an anthill. The thing about that is you have to plan that in advance, because when you have to take metal at a very high temperature into the middle of the desert somewhere and do that. And I'd do it again. I saw the story of the... What are you doing? Just wait, I've got this metal to cool.

What? I saw the story of the guy... Which hole did I pour it down? Might have been a Russian guy who accidentally inhaled... Was it like a... I want to say a piece of Lego or something. Right. It was something like that.

A small piece, like toy or piece of plastic or whatever. And they had problems coughing. Yeah. Obviously. And by this point, he's about 30. Yeah. And... Still in there.

Well, yeah. So they gave him a scan and they found this thing on his lung, like a lesion. And they were like, oh God, we're going to have to biopsy you because I think you might have lung cancer. Yeah. And checked it out. And they were like, hang on a minute. And it was like a piece of plastic.

Pulled it out. He's fine now. Leg or head. He's fine. Yeah, but he's absolutely fine now. Yeah. So it and it was like a piece of plastic pulled it out he's fine now Lego head he's absolutely fine now yeah so it could sometimes

just be a piece of plastic to be honest with you Jackney was a bit like will you be taking access of just the top half of my body yeah

because there's all kinds of stuff up my arse yeah it's probably Hasser will do the whole body yeah don't worry about that

save the x-ray machine absolutely so body wells that was good was it yeah it was alright it was fun yeah so I specifically said to you

when we recorded this episode, talk about something Christmassy. It is Christmassy. What's Christmassy about it? Humans. They put little Christmas hats on them. I mentioned a Christmas tree and pouring molten metal

into an anthill. Yeah. Yeah, so there we go. Jingle bells. What are your family Christmas traditions? Well, obviously the Brexit argument will not be where it's uglyly hey it's a classic i felt

a little bit like when i um like last year was the first christmas that my sister's husband visited and i felt because you know him yeah and he's a stand-up block absolutely lovely proper man brilliant um uh the friendliest the friendliest kind of Brits. But I still felt, because I'd spent so many Christmases with just me, my sister, my mum and my dad, it was a real sea change. Turns out when he actually arrived, he instantly got food poisoning and had to go to bed for all day. So I didn't even really see him.

But I felt a little bit like... That's the legs you'll go to to protect your family unit at Christmas, is it? I poured mortal metal down his throat. There's no grandparents on the scene? No, we only ever had one nan. We only ever had one nan and she died at 96, about 10 years ago.

Aunts and uncles? No. Well, we've got one who doesn't really come round. No, we're not, we're very... So it's just the four of you? Yeah.

It's been like that forever. You'll have your niece? I cannot wait. I cannot wait for that. How old is she? One and a bit and she hates my voice

so hopefully mostly listening in public I'm just trying to work out she probably isn't going to be quite old enough to understand

what's happening no yeah exactly next year will be great I reckon I think she's going to have a lovely time

I don't know why my dad won't dress up as Santa though because he's very Santa ish he's already halfway there

big fat bloke beard works for me he's already halfway there so apart from Brexit arguments and giving members of the extended family food poisoning very Santa-ish. He's already halfway there. Big fat bloke, beard, works for me. He's already halfway there. So apart from Brexit arguments and giving members of the extended family

food poisoning, what are the other traditions? My dad goes to sleep at seven, as you well know. Even on Christmas night? Even on Christmas night. Yeah,

he doesn't care. So on Christmas day, he gets about one in the morning on Christmas day. Yeah. So by the time you get up, it must be the one day of the year he's up with kids. Kids will be up.

Yeah, and then he goes to bed, and then my mum goes to bed about nine, and then I always watch the UK office Christmas special. On your own? On me. All right. I didn't think this would be as depressing. Yeah, it's quite depressing, isn't it? Is it like that in the North generally, or just your house?

Well, we've got a... The one thing that is, really reminds me of home nowadays is that I brought home from Japan one of those, it's like a little plastic milk carton with a face on, like a kind of, like a lion, I think, or maybe a zebra or something. And it sits in your fridge. And as soon as you open the fridge door, it goes, good to see you. Nice. It says, and then after a while, if the fridge as you open the fridge door, it goes, good to see you. Nice.

It says, and then after a while, if the fridge has been open for too long, it goes, shut the fridge and door. It's like having a friend. It is like having a friend. So you'll occasionally hear me at one o'clock in the morning and my friend going, shut the fridge and door. I'm trying to stay cool in here. I really wish I was there when the closing credits

of the Doctor Who Christmas special come up at like 10 to 7 and your dad goes right that's me that's me done cheers everyone so what time does he want to have the Christmas lunch

if he's been up since 1 oh I don't know he'll go to the pub he goes to the pub too early what time he does like 11 until like 1 or 2 and it's like

meh too early yeah give me a 2 till 5 I'm fine I'll come with your dad but not earlier than that it's too early he's been up for hours though that's the thing

my mum doesn't like us leaving the house at all on Christmas day yeah no I was never a fan back in the day because my wife likes to go for a walk

along the beach because we live quite near the beach and we did that last year and I detected with my spidey senses because I know my mum obviously very well she was a bit upset about that

so I had to smooth it over so I imagine we'll try and go for a walk again this year, but you never know. Make a papier-mâché version of yourself. Like Weekend at Bernie's? Yeah, sort of go, I'm just going to go for a snooze for an hour and climb out the window.

Remember that film with Arnold Schwarzenegger? No, he sliced the loan. It's either Last Action Hero with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Stop and My Mum Will Shoot with Sylvester Stallone, where he calls his mum and he's just got this old school tape recorder. But he calls his mum and he's just got this old school tape recorder. So he calls his mum,

presses the tape recorder and he goes, hey mum, how are you? And she starts talking and the rest of the tape is just him going, uh-huh, hmm, oh, okay. And he just goes out.

I could do that on Christmas Day with my parents, couldn't I? From the shower maybe. Steam the shower up. I'll be in the pit for a minute and then go for a walk. Yeah, a little bit like Home Alone. Might not be in the Christmas spirit.

Keep the change, you filthy animal. I hope that's enough Christmas chat for the first half. Why don't we take a quick break? And then after that, we'll listen to some emails that you've sent in by emailing hello at lukeandpeatshow.com. See you in a minute. Merry Christmas. So, Sheikh, you're telling me that drinking camel's urine

is part of the thing? Ach, you don't get me wrong don't get him wrong even at Christmas probably doesn't even celebrate Christmas can almost guarantee that's the case

because he's an imam so not only have you gone from not doing anything Christmas for this show you're actually now putting people in there who actively don't

celebrate Christmas it's the anti-Christmas special of anything isn't it yeah I think so Christmas because we record these in advance, because against all odds, we do actually have a semblance of a life between us.

I've not got any Christmas-themed emails either. No. Well, we can only go with what people have sent us. Yeah. But what I'm saying is we're working through emails from back in the day. Suck my Christmas lolly, I say. I'm still working through emails of, like this one here, from Tom in Southam my christmas lolly i say i'm still working for emails of like this one here from tom in southampton okay then this is an email off the back of episode 118 now this is

episode 127 we're recording now so we're still nine shows behind um so yeah tom says listening to episode 118 got me thinking about my own closest brush with death we were talking about near-death experiences on that episode, Pete. He says, back in 2012, I was away on my first summer holiday without my parents, and one day a few of us went to a water park. That's traditional. Traditional.

Now, as a qualified lifeguard at the time, I felt pretty much at home and safe in the water. That didn't last long. They had a large wave pool where you could sit in rubber rings and enjoy the motion of the waves. At one point, a particularly large wave knocked me out of my rubber ring and underwater. Oh, no. It's not the size of the waves.

It's the motion of the ocean, Pete. No worries, I thought. For as you've said a few times. Simple swim to the top and get back in the ring. The first issue was when I touched the floor of the pool instead of breaking the surface, I'd obviously got turned around and gone down instead of up. See, I never understand that. Are you a strong swimmer? No. Incred so incredibly weak i'm a fairly strong swimmer so i'm going i can

go and knock out 50 laps probably uh so i'm all right in this in a crisis situation i'd be one of the better than kind of well legs or whatever um this sounds a bit mad i don't i've never been in a situation where i've not known what down and up is. Yeah. Probably because I haven't been turned over enough in the water. The first time I ever got in a swimming pool, I was pushed in by a bully and fell in. And the woman had to save me. How old were you? When did you start going to the pool?

At school? Eight or nine. That's really bad. That could have been terrible for you. Well, I mean, she was there, so she could have stopped me from falling in. But yeah, I was not prepared. You should get swimming. It'll be been terrible for you. Well, I mean, she was there, so she could have stopped me from falling in, but yeah. I was not prepared. You should get a swim

and it'll be good for your asthma. Everyone says that. I say that every time. But I think at one point, I was down the beach. It was a beach not too far from where I grew up, called West Wittering in Sussex. Beautiful beach. And when the tide changes, the waves get quite big. I remember coming off a

bodyboard right yeah once and hurting my hip quite badly and getting a bit confused as to where i was but i was able to get my head above water so i've never really experienced that i know surfers get it i think when they surf those massive waves well they don't know what well i guess the first the first thing i do is swim right to the bottom don't they so to get the wave out the way and they come up again anyway um he said anyway not too much of an issue oh it was deep but i'm a strong swimmer so i wasn't too worried i wasn't as calm when i eventually broke the surface went to take a breath and instead got hit full on in the face by another wave inhaling what felt like a gallon of water it had been a while since i had taken in

any air and this just did not help if all of this wasn't bad enough for the few moments i was above air all i could hear was one of my friends absolutely pissing himself with laughter and shouting, it's funny because he's a lifeguard. Annoyingly, other people found this as funny as he did and I couldn't enjoy it quite as much. I eventually managed to gather myself

and haul myself up onto a stranger's rubber ring while apologising and gasping for air. Not my proudest moment, but in a way, I'm glad my near-death experience could provide at least some entertainment to others. Thanks, guys.

Tom. Oh, it's that vom though when you're vomming like chlorine-y. Gross. Speaking of vomming, it's Christmas. I am,

sorry, you'll laugh at it and I think it's- You're a tactical eater? No, stop it. Stop it. It's only fair that I give this to you

as ammo because I obviously relentlessly take the mickey out of you. So about a week and a half ago, I was at a Christmas party and I was meeting a mate beforehand and we couldn't go to the pub we wanted to go to because it was too full.

So it was London, Christmas week or whatever. Drives me mad. It's a Christmas drinkers. I'm there. I'm out there every weekend. There was 20 people outside in the rain drinking. It's bad. Anyway, so we ended in the rain drinking. It was bad. Anyway, so we ended up going to a Wetherspoons.

You might have to edit this a bit, because I might be making legal problems for everyone here. It was a pub. It was Wetherspoons. Right. I haven't been to Wetherspoons for years. And I went in there, got a few beers from the draft beers, some weird, randomly named pale ale beers.

Had, I think, three in there. Had a couple more drinks at the Christmas party afterwards. Went home. Next morning, I was sick as a dog. First time in about five or six years I've ever been physically sick due to alcohol. I wasn't even that drunk, and I am convinced it was due to the poor quality alcohol

in that pub. I mean... Or is that just me being a laughing stock? Could be a bit of food that you'd eaten. What did you eat that day? Can't remember. Could have been that.

Could have been anything. Not to blame the beer. But I mean, if you are consuming beer, you could just have had a... My friend who was there at the pub as well, the only other guy who went there

was also sick. Was he also sick? Yeah. Oh, well, maybe then. Yeah. Maybe it was a dodgy pint. You can get dodgy pints. That's the risk you run.

I'd watch Sherlock if he was investigating that stuff. Oh, I do watch it anyway. Yeah. Have you got an email there, Peter? I've got an email. Josh, afternoon, boys, after hearing the... Whoa, my computer just turned off. After hearing about keeping or returning found monies

on a previous episode, it took me back to September 2008. My very first date in my new home for four years, Southampton. Another Southampton email. Incredible scenes. I know, right? Unbelievable.

After driving down with my folks, we unpacked all of me belongings into my halls of residence and I was about to begin a course in animation at Southampton Solent University. Not the real one. Former polytechnic. Right.

Same as mine. Bournemouth is a very good one for animation. I nearly applied. De Montfort. Dorffle, yeah. Before my parents headed back home, we thought it might be nice to grab a little bit of lunch. Not being familiar with the area,

instead of heading into the town centre, we headed up into Totten, a town just outside of Southampton. Awful. It's awful there. We pulled up into a local pub car park, popped in, and had a mediocre lunch.

When heading back to the car, I noticed the unmistakable shape of a 20 quid note. Love that. Result I thought, this will come in handy for the inevitable freshers week boozing. No sooner had I picked up that rogue note,

he's actually written rouge note, which I quite like. Are they even rouge? They're not rouge, are they? 50s are rouge. No, purple. Yeah. I noticed another,

and then another, and then another. My old man and I were running around the car park plucking crisp 20 pound knots like daisies.

Classic. After a brief conversation on what we should do with this new found wealth It's just bonding time, isn't it? It was decided like Crystal Mays

that I should keep it to help me to get through my first few weeks of independent living. While now I would hand such an amount of cash to the police a younger me

had no such problems in keeping it. Love the pod chaps, it's mint. How much money did he have there in total? 250 quid. In 20s? Doesn't make sense. That's a good point, actually. Yeah, he's right. Very good point, yeah. It says there, in my younger days, I was only happy to keep the lot.

You were with your dad. Your dad should be giving you some sort of moral compass there. Well, Alec Lodge has also come in on this subject. Hi, guys. Just wanted to say I definitely have kept that €350, especially as you said the ID card was for a casino. Yeah. My only worry would be that something like that would be a trap

for some kind of TV show or social experiment. I'm much more wary. Bearing in mind I did a voiceover for a quiz show that was like a kind of surprise quiz show last year. Yeah. I can't remember the name of it right now. Did it get commissioned? It was on BBC.

It was on primetime BBC. It was a pilot, wasn't it? No. No, they did six episodes, and I was in three of them. Oh, right, okay. It was Ready or Not, it was called, on BBC One, and I was basically behind a screen in a museum, and I had to basically, you know those audio guides

that you put on your heads? Yeah. I was like the voice in their heads sort of going, and this painting is from, oh, I'm bored of this, let's play a game. And they were like, oh my God,

I'm in a quiz. What did they win? Very little money. Right. BBC. Enough to make a fool out of themselves. They were like,

oh, if you want to win 10 quid, you've got to shout boobies or something. It's a bit like borgies. You're perfect for this, John. Yeah. Take it on.

But yeah, so I'd be worried that I might be tricked into murdering a um a political opponent of a North Korean regime

that's how those girls got involved Darren Brown gets involved yeah yeah um that Totten guy just on that thing

from if you're talking about the provenance of that particular money if it's in Totten almost certainly someone robbed the bookies or something. Do you reckon?

Oh, yeah. It's Totten a bit of a shithole? I wouldn't go that far, Pete. Right. He's nodding. No, that's not true. He's nodding. That's not true.

I think Lodge also says that I'm pretty sure that Iron Bras, Iron Bras? Iron Brew, the Iron Lady's bra. Iron Brew bars did have bits on the tangy side and were smooth on the other oh right yeah that makes sense the plot thickens Iron Brew

Wham! and Desperate Danny are three staples we've learnt that over the last couple of weeks Highland Toffee Highland Toffee's up there but you know on that

Ready or Not show and I'm not saying it was a poor TV show or whatever because I wouldn't speak ill of your work but you know there is a tradition

among the BBC of occasionally they drop an absolute stinker in terms of Saturday night quiz shows. And do you remember that one, Don't Scare the Hair? Oh. My God, it was terrible. What was the conceit?

It was this really weird, nightmarish, cartoony show where you had to do certain things with this quite wacky guy who dressed a bit like... The only way I can describe him is, do you remember that song that went, ooh-ee-ah-ah-ting-tang? The cartoons. Yeah, is that what they were called? Right. So he looked like one of those.

And he had a massive rabbit, or hare in this case, in the middle of this big nightmarish stage set, cartoony stage set. And you had to do certain things. And if you did things wrong wrong or did it too loudly or got a question wrong or whatever you'd scare the hair

and the hair would run off I know it sounds like I'm making it up but I promise you I'm not it sounds like a sub game in shooting stars or something yeah imagine that

but serious yeah incredible I'll show you a picture here so you can see it don't scare the hair do you remember bring on the wall

or whatever that was bloody cold look at that oh and it's got the ball block Do you remember Bring on the Wall? Or whatever that was, bloody cold. Look at that. Oh, and it's got the ball block from the gadget show on it. Is that how it is? Yeah,

I think it is, yeah. What's his name? It's not a picture of him. Yeah, it's just bizarre. He's got some fancy glasses on. Bring on the Wall

was actually entertaining though. It's very basic. You can see why people would like that. It's people falling off things into water in a comedy way. Yeah. I mean, that's funny.

It's not weird. Don't scare's funny. It's not weird. Don't scare the hair. It's not the strangest dream that ever came true. Like, don't scare the hair. Anyway, so if you can think of the worst tea, I'm going to say

tea time family entertainment. It doesn't have to be BBC. Yeah. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. What about this, Pete? From our arm Dave, who says... Yo, Dave, what's going on?

Hi, guys. He's about to tell you. While listening to a recent story on your show from the home of the extraterrestrial Roswell, USA, I was reminded of my own brush with the alien world a few years ago, which I thought you may enjoy. I was on a rail replacement bus to Bath. Not the sort of place you'd expect

to have an alien situation. And had struck up a conversation with an elderly American gentleman sat next to me. After a while, he casually explained the purpose behind his visit. He was the world's leading expert on crop circles. Oh, can't afford a bus. And was in town to catch up with a colleague to discuss that summer's emerging patterns.

Rail replacement bus, Peter. Sorry, okay, so you went for the rail. You know how expensive that train journey is down to Bath and Bristol. There was a story in the paper the other day about trains. There's a couple of guys, they might have been Newcastle United fans, actually. Yeah, they flew via... Marbella for a night.

It was cheaper. He says, now, I myself am a bit of a sceptic when it comes to these matters, but the coach journey was an hour long, so channelling my inner Louis Theroux, I pressed the man on what I should know about crop circles and alien life in general. Here are key points point number one crop circles are definitely messages from extraterrestrial life trying to communicate with earth point number two the

patterns from that summer were indicating a massive galactic event due to happen in the winter of 2016 which would put the future of the earth at risk spoiler that didn't happen aliens were generally friendly and were trying to save the human race. Point number three, alien life is in a form which is completely impossible for humans to recognise, yet they are as charismatic as Jean-Luc Picard.

I think we know what kind of guy we're dealing with here. Point number four, President John F. Kennedy was killed by the CIA because he wanted to work with the Soviet Union to uncover the alien world. And final point... He's getting away from his wheelhouse there. Yeah, the final... CIA because he wanted to work with the Soviet Union to uncover the alien world. And final point... He's getting away from his wheelhouse there. Yeah, that's got nothing to do with crop surfing.

Final point, the planet is run by a small group of 20 individuals who are all in touch with the alien world, ensuring our galactic survival. I wish I could remember the man's name to be able to look him up, but I hope this anecdote at least entertains you in the meantime. I can't say I believe much of what I was told, but it did brighten up a wet trip down the M4. Yeah, I would find that tedious, that kind of conversation,

because you are, any normal person would be like, oh, you've dedicated your life to a load of shit. Especially if you're in the window seat and you can't even look out. You can't get away. On the bus is where you can't go to the toilet or anything. I mean, if I was sat on there, I would ask questions like, why do they only ever choose really bendable

crops and not? Well, it was outed in a BBC investigation. There was a couple of guys in a local pub in Wiltshire somewhere, wasn't there? Yeah, of course.

They would have a few beers, wait for the pubs closed, then go and do it. Yeah. But it was like, why would you choose crops? Why would you choose

wheat to do it in? Theresa May style. Why wouldn't you choose, I to do it in Theresa May style why wouldn't you choose I don't know a bloody great car park why wouldn't you just churn up if you're an alien race

you could probably churn up a car park all nice yeah or knock down a few buildings to send a message the one Richard III was buried in I was sick in that car park

were you yeah when you heard the news ah what they took him up I just vombed on his face your grief over the nephews that he killed at What? They took him up and I just vombed on his face.

You had grief over the nephews that he killed at the tower? No, I just remember going, hang on, that's around the corner from... Oh my God, I was sick on top of a monarch. There's a brilliant documentary about that. And one of the women who was the Richard III expert, she was quite mad. Honestly, she was incredibly strange. It was brilliant. Do you know how they found... So when Richard III was exhumed, do you know how they found... So when Richard Lothair was exhumed,

do you know how they were able to confirm who he was? Oh, I know this one. There's two ways. Finger nails. One was the curvature of the spine, which he was reported to have had. Secondly, because he was the king, he was the king and he was killed on...

I think he's the last English king to be killed in battle. So, of course the lineage the throne passed to someone else so any descendant of his was no longer royalty

they found some guy in like two or three towns away who was like a blacksmith and they said oh by the way do you know that you're a descendant

of Richard III he was like oh am I yeah you are can we take a swab of your mouth and he was like what for

he said we found Richard III we want to make sure it's him and he was like yeah alright we take a swab of your mouth? And he was like, what for? He said, we found Richard III. We want to make sure it's him. And he was like, yeah, all right. I took a swab from his mouth and confirmed it by DNA that it was him. Ancestry.co.uk. Yeah. Which sort of begs the question about how they could work out that he was definitely the right descendant.

But anyway, that's definitely what they did. The Channel 4 documentary was very, very much worth a watch. Why is he not rich? Why is the blacksmith salt? No, rich was dead. That's what his mates called him anyway that's about the

end of it royal deaths crop circles people who have been exhibited in Piccadilly Circus in weird ways your dad going to

bed early and near death experiences what could be more Christmas than that PPI that's what have I got Christmas time dot com there we go if you don't do it Sky will What could be more Christmas than that? I know. PPI, that's what. Have I got Christmastime.com.

There we go. Yeah. If you don't do it, Sky will. Thanks for listening. Have a great Christmas. We'll see you in a few days' time. Anyway, we're not taking any time off. No.

So, yeah, get in touch. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com if you want to speak to us. And we'll look forward to speaking to you again soon. Tell us about your weird Christmases. What did your nan do? Maybe she passed away. Let us know. She probably farted.

This was a Radio Stakhanov production.