The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 134: Tattoos, death, and a Lukealike

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

Hello everyone. Nice to see you. Thanks for popping back in. You've come to the right place for Pete's obsession with crap technology, information on the most popular day of the year to get a divorce (it's in January, unsurprisingly), and individuals' power of recall over their own tattoos.In addition to this, we recite a truly fascinating tale of a young man working as an ice cream salesman for a summer that includes a deserted warehouse and a holdall full of cash. It's unmissable.We need to hear from you, so don't be shy. You can even remain anonymous if you like: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1, 3, 4, the number of the beast, hell and fire! I'll tell you what, Bruce Dickinson's autobiography's a really good read, you know. He's probably written like two I reckon he's written five there was quite the fanfare around the one he pulled out last year right

which I pre-ordered because I love Iron Maiden and I don't think we talked about it on the show before but he he has the last laugh quite a lot

like part truth right okay yeah he's getting on in years he's setting the scars aren't you he does I love Bruce Dickinson he's a on in years. He's setting scores, aren't you? He does some good... I love Bruce Dickinson. He's a polymath,

genuine polymath, and I love why I made him. But I reckon, if I went back and checked, he probably uses the phrase go figure about 15 times. That's fair play. Yeah.

He is Bruce Dickinson, to be fair. He can fly planes, and he's a nine-min. And he's a champion fencer. And he's a champion fencer. Luke and Pete show, episode 134. I am Luke the Luke.

That's Pete the Pete over there. Full name, Pete the Pete. Welcome. Pete the Pete, welcome. It's a couple of days after the day in which everyone divorces, Luke. Really? A few days, yeah. January 7th, probably a week now, I guess.

Divorce Day, nationwide. The first working Monday of the year is traditionally the most popular day of the year for unhappy partners to contact solicitors to begin divorce proceedings. Christmas, it's a stressful time. First day back, everyone's filing for divorce. Well, you reckon people just go,

right, I'm doing it now. I'm done. Get out of the way. Monday, we're on it. We're doing it. Is anyone listening to us right now while they're on the way to their solicitors? That's what I want to know.

Get in touch. Get in touch. To sign the final papers. Hello at Donaldsonandsons.com for all your needs. Imagine that. We should start a... On that note, I saw something,

and I tried to find it again, and I couldn't, but I'm just going to just freestyle it. I saw a damning statistic about the nature of men and women last week. And it is that when a woman in a relationship is diagnosed with a serious illness, the divorce rate instigated by men goes through the roof. When a man is diagnosed with a serious illness, the divorce rate instigated by women drops through the roof. Wow. When a man is diagnosed with a serious illness, the divorce rate

instigated by women drops to almost zero. Wow. That is... How depressing is that? From one man to another, Pete, how depressing is that? That's awful, isn't it?

Why is that, do you reckon? It's certainly to do with the nature of what men and women are like, I guess. I don't know. It's difficult to say. Or do they just feel like it's their duty?

They're kind of like under the patriarchy. It's their duty to look Or do they just feel like it's their duty? They're kind of like under the patriarchy. It's their duty to look after their ailing husband who's worked all his life. Well, I think it's fair to say that, you know, I would argue that women are much more emotionally mature than men. So they probably have an idea that a much firmer

grasp of that life isn't just about them. It isn't just about themselves. And men are a lot more superficial, I'd say. Yeah. Obviously, I'm not saying all men are like that. I mean, I'd like to think that... I'm saying hashtag all men. As the only married man in the room,

I would like to think that it wouldn't apply to me. What do you mean? But I hope I never have to find out. Well, that'll be looking for your 230-whatever. Yeah. In a year's time. Hopefully not, no. That's two years, isn't it? You're basically hoping that me or my wife are diagnosedatever. Yeah. In a year's time. Hopefully not, no. That's two years, isn't it?

You're basically hoping that me or my wife are diagnosed with a serious illness in a year's time for material for this show. Don't write that as a title. Do your homework. Do your homework. Also, do you know January the 13th, which is Sunday?

I do know it, yeah. No trousers on the underground day. Do you find this sort of thing charming? It's too wacky. Oh, do you find this too wacky? I don't like it. People don't wear,

basically it started in New York, I believe. The no pants subway, right? It started off as a protest against the heat on the subway, right? Oh, did it, right? I believe so, yeah.

Right, but the no pants, it's less, pants is like, ah, are we going to wear any pants? I've taken down my trousers on public transport. Yeah. It's too much for Brits. You do it on a Saturday night, and it's less pants is like are we going to wear any pants I've taken down my trousers on public transport it's too

it's too much for Brits you do it on a Saturday night and it's a different rule it is a different I don't take my pants down no I don't have a bum to speak of I've got two points to say on this

one is that I'm on front because of the success of Movember charities are really unimaginatively trying to get their own Movember. Yes. And you'll see so many of them. And as an ideas man myself, Pete, back me up on that.

Right. Right. Where are you going with this? I think that they need to stop being so unimaginative and say, oh, because Movember worked, we're going to do wear a hat to work day. Yeah. Or we're going to do wear a dress. It's bullshit.

Attack your left nipple with a chisel. Exactly. Choose day. That's not what I've seen, but I get your point. hat to work day or we're going to do wear a dress it's bullshit attack your left nipple with a chisel exactly Tuesday that's not what I've seen but I get your point and the second thing is I don't like the wackiness of it all

people you get that level at you a lot and people will say to me sometimes oh Pete he's wacky I say no

he's not and Marcus from the Rambles says the same thing if anything we dialed down how mad Pete Donaldson is yeah but it's not wacky though. It's not like Timmy Mallet.

It's a genuine mental illness I've got. It's a genuine problem where my sandwiches don't... Expand on that. I'm interested in things that nobody should be interested in and then I explain them badly to people and from hence the confusion arises and then everyone has a good laugh at me i'm happy with that if i can make some dollar

off being in being the clown i'll be happy i'm happy with that it's fine do you see yourself as like a sat's carl pilkington type character no because no because carl carl's stuff i guess is a bit more like he knows what he's doing. But you say that... I don't necessarily know what I'm doing. Well, I agree with that. He knows what buttons to press to get the reaction. But you say that, Pete, but when we both worked with Carl,

and back in the day before he was as big as he is now, he was still weird. But he dials it up. Fine. He dials it up. Fine. But I remember he used to be the guy who used to prepare all the production for XFM

yeah and so if I needed to get a sponsorship read or something when I was working there I'd have to go and see him in his own little office and genuinely

lovely guy lovely guy I've got nothing but fine words to say about the guy but I'm telling you now we knew back then before he'd ever done anything

that the best way to get him to do stuff for you was to send him like freak show photos and stuff on email and he would engage he'd reply

and he'd remember to do your shit and he would do it and it got to a stage where he was mad that he was working there because then he became successful doing other stuff

and then he eventually left but my point is it was always at least anchored in some sort of truth I don't think you dial up your stuff at all I think if anything we downplay it I don't know why we've got stuff at all. I think, if anything, we downplay it.

I don't know why we've got to start talking about this, but anyway. Is this a Rost? The point is... Is this the Pete Donaldson Rost? The point is that I believe what I'm saying is true

because I don't like wackiness as a rule. No, I don't. And I don't think I'd be able to spend time with you if you were wacky. No. I mean, there's certain things

about you I would definitely change. I genuinely had a pump brewing then. And imagine if I just let rip. And I'm saying, this is not the kind of podcast.

I would change that. I would change the fact that you can't stay in the pub for longer than 10 minutes. What do you mean? You always want to go somewhere else.

Yeah, it's boring, isn't it? We're going to go to the football soon. I'm worried about whether you're going to last through to the end. I've got another match.

I'll let them have another match. I haven't been to the football game with just you and me you're going to last through to the end I've got another match I'll end up with another match I haven't been to the football game with just you and me for such a long time do you stay till the end got to do I never understand

because it's a pig getting out of a football ground at the best of times I mean I imagine I'll have the opportunity to leave before the end to play in Chelsea

but it's not like we have to get up to Kings Cross and get on the train to Newcastle or on a big bus look at this Luke what's that see that it's like a little kind to get up to Kings Cross and get on the train to Newcastle. It's true. Or on a big bus. Look at this, Luke. What's that? See that?

It's like a little kind of button about the size of a dinner plate that's electric. You put it on your bed, and basically it's like a Roomba vacuum cleaner, but it works with like, what's that light that disinfects things? You know like you put like, yeah, UV or something. It basically disinfects your entire bed.

Can I see it working? No. Germs, no you can't. Germs, bacteria and dust, mate. But basically,

it just goes around your, and underneath, the duvet and just basically cleans your room. That would last five seconds in my house. You know why?

Cats. Why cats would destroy it? Cats, cats, cats. Well, they've raised £500,000. I love crap tech. Do you reckon that actually works? I bet it doesn't.

I bet it works for five seconds and then it just dies. It's a joke that's gone too far. It's dreadful. I love crap tech that gets served to me. Because once you click on one, you get served all of the crap tech that people have come up with. Oh, we've come up with a new shutter release valve for your SD camera

for your big camera and it can adjust all of the functions on it so that's not going to work you can smell bad tech a mile off do you include the infant chip bowl helmet in that we put wifi in your fridge why I don't know

no wifi wifi not why we were led to believe that you would get a message to your phone, saying that, oh, you're running out of milk and all that, so get someone on the way home or whatever, which I would personally find quite helpful.

Because at the moment, my wife and I rely on each other to tell us that sort of information, and human beings are fallible. And so the worst thing for me, and this is a really British thing to say, so to our international listeners, you'll find this entertaining, I'm entertaining i'm sure the worst thing that can have you said to me luke what's the worst thing that can happen to start off your day realistically as in not like you wake up and the whole world's on fire but like realistically it's when i get up i start a day this is how i start my day i know no one's asked to hear about this but just very quickly i start my dad get up and my wife's already gone gone to work she leaves early I go into the kitchen

I feed the cat and I put the kettle on and make a cup of tea and if I make the cup of tea and I get to the point I open the fridge there's no milk in there that is

destitute it's horrendous destitute it's absolutely horrendous so that would be very very happy I'd be very very happy to have that kind of tech

I've actually just realised as well that I can set up my phone to say hey Siri tell me the news headlines when I wake as well that I can set up my phone to say, hey, Siri, tell me the news headlines when I wake up in the morning. I haven't got to muck around with the radio. Right. That's pretty good.

I drunkenly told my Siri to only ever address me as kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat. And so now every email that comes to me, at the top it says, two, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat, kumquat. Idiot. why did you do that I don't fucking know that's that's that is that's again not

enough can you change it again that's it I can change it but it's just like you feel like you should be I think I should be funny yeah it's self-flagellation you do that yourself and

that's what really hurts no you've got to learn you've got to learn oh dear um should we take a short break and then get some emails yeah why not? All right, then.

We'll be back in a second. Oh, me belly's rumbling a little bit. Is it? Yeah. Need those noodles, mate. I need me Mr. Lee's. So keen-eared listeners will remember on Monday, I promised an email where someone emailed in.

A porn-like. I'm not even going to name him. Name him. I can't remember. Okay. I'll tell you hang on a second you rinse me if I ever

miss off an emailer's name can't believe you're getting away with this alright I'll find it carry on talking because I've got to find Joshua Williams

don't dirty up the listeners ears Joshua Williams is not a name I've just made up that is his name emailed in trying to find

a lookalike for me and now I'm going to tell you now Pete you haven't seen it. I know this is not an audio feature, but we're going to try our best. He's taken a photo surreptitiously at a bar, which, by the way, I hate. Yes. Unless you're only going to share it with a very small group of friends.

I think a girl took a picture of me yesterday on the train. A real girl? A real girl. Not like, she made it sound like a real doll. Yeah. Like one of those weird sex dolls. She's Hitler. Yeah, I swear she took a picture. I was like, and I was really part real doll. Yeah, she's Hitler. Yeah,

I swear she took a picture. I was like, and I was really, I was going, what? Like, she pushed her phone. It was a really unnatural move

because you can tell when people are taking pictures, can't you? Yeah, you can, but did you question her? No. Have I told you about a time

that, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. About seven or eight years ago I get on the tube pissed and sat opposite me

is a guy who looks exactly and I do mean exactly like Andrei Shevchenko right the great Ukrainian forward

for Milan and obviously later Chelsea for those who aren't football fans anyway I was like I've got to get a fight

with this guy because I have to share it with you guys. And this is where my career of taking photos, sorry, potentially sharing it, which I hated, started and ended.

I took a photo and obviously the usual stuff, it fucking clicked. And he fucking heard it. And at that point, I was like, shit, he's hard.

This guy's hard. And he looked at me, he went, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, nothing. He's like,

you taking a photo of me? I was like, no. And he went, you taking a photo? And I was like, oh, nothing. He's like, you taking a photo of me? I was like, no. And he went, you taking a photo? And luckily he dropped it to forget to get off. I could have got chinned

on that day there and then. I thought, I'm not doing that anymore. That is awkward, isn't it? But anyway, this guy here, Joshua, the listening community will judge him.

I'm not going to judge him. He's taking a photo and he sent it in. I don't know. Yeah, he sent it in saying, look, is this a Luke Moore lookalike? And I'll tell you now, you've not seen it. We're going to go through this.

I know it's not really an audio feature, but we're going to muscle our way through. There's four men in the photo. Straight off the bat, two men have got their back to us. There's not them. It's like, guess who? That leaves two men. One of them in the foreground is a really handsome bloke. The other one, I don't think looks anything like me.

And he's also quite handsome. If I was to speculate now, it's going to be that guy that guy isn't it who do you think in that photo he thinks looks like me well it's oh it's tough to say isn't it is because there's a young kind of like sprightly looking curly haired bloke and then there's just a guy with a beard and mark what i think my hair looks like in the front and it looks like he my hair looks like in the front. And it looks like the man in the front is taking pictures himself with his mobile phone.

So it's not, I mean, if you need to circle it, it's hard to, it's not really worth even learning. Maybe a mixture of the two. That young lad's hair

with that man's beard, possibly, but. The plot thickens. Hello at LukeandPetra.com. I find that. I messed that one. You know, based on what you just said there as well,

you just reminded me of something else remember when we went and did a show once with a Swedish guy producer yes and he was like

really cool looking yeah and in front of everyone you said Luke that's what you think you look like yeah

and everyone laughed that cut me that did well it sounds like it it was about three years ago yeah I still think

about that now that was one of the best put downs I've ever heard. No, I still like Burst's horsehair sofa. Oh, yeah, that was good as well. It just looks like hair's coming out. Both accurate. Both accurate.

Welcome to my treehouse. Maybe you've seen one of these before. It's called a woodlouse. Rob has been in touch on the emails. Hello, lads. On episode 130, you briefly mentioned about the politician that killed himself in a press conference and mused about how, if he had been found guilty of something, how could he have had a gun?

The man in question was Robert Bud Dwyer. So a little bit of a men Carter update here. A state treasurer for Pennsylvania who has been investigated for bribery and corruption. He gave out a statement to the assembled press before shooting and committing suicide. He warned the audience of what was about to happen and suggested that people might want to leave the room. The incident went out live with only a handful of networks cutting out the feed due to a seven-second time delay. Local channel WPVI broadcast the incident in full

and even replayed it on the 5pm and 6pm news without warning the viewers first. And if you've ever seen that video, you'll know that that's an incredible decision to make. You forget how much blood's in the body. ever seen that video you'll know that that's an incredible decision to make yeah a lot of you forget how much blood's in the body oh you and i you and i differ from this usually you you like seeing these types of videos because you said it reminds you of your own mortality which i prefer to avoid them as much as possible yeah no it just makes me think we just meet really in it have some

fun it's it's weird sort of like it shouldn't be a life it shouldn't be a life affirming it shouldn't be a life affirming kind of thing but seeing people massively hurt themselves or die you sort of go it's all for nothing

isn't it let's have some fun make some friends and then leave a bullet ridden corpse what do you think happens when we die the entire world

dies I think we've spoken about this before we haven't we haven't spoken about this before I have no idea what you think

happens after death the only way you can experience the world and the planets that dies. I think we've spoken about this before. We haven't. We haven't spoken about this before. I have no idea what you think happens after death. The only way you can experience the world and the planets and everything is through your own eyes and through your own perspective. So it doesn't almost matter whether it exists or not

because it all gets turned off. So you're actually invoking this sort of Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics there. Yeah, it doesn't matter. The Niles Bohr stuff. It just doesn't matter. It can't exist until it's observed to exist.

Yeah. Okay. So just your entire, you doesn't exist, the world doesn't exist, you just go if indeed you ever were here. And it's beautiful in a way. But one thing, if we are going to, but the only way you can sort of deal with life is that there are rules like gravity and me and you talking to each other. It's a lie you tell yourself because in my opinion,

as soon as you die, the entire world and everything dies with you. But obviously, for the people in this almost virtual world who are left behind, your physical body, the energy has to go somewhere. So your body, this kind of whatever I'm doing now, is energy has to go somewhere. So your body, this kind of whatever I'm doing now, is never going to be losing. So on different timelines it carries on, but your timeline ends and that's that. It's not even a timeline.

No, it's not even a timeline. Everything ends when I end. And that's arrogance. Yeah, I was about to say, that's quite an egotistical interpretation. It's like when I leave the nightclub, it's done. Done, yeah, exactly.

No one's having a good time. No. Do you have any time at all for the simulation theory? I think it's too cute. It's too grounded in our own experiences of what we think a simulation is. Right. We're done. It's gone.

It's gone. If I blew my head off now, everything would end. And so be spontaneous. Do the things you want to do. And I know I'm sat in a room twice a week with you chatting about fuck all, but do the things you want to do and hug the people you want to hug

and just die. God damn it, die. You're talking a bit about solipsism as well. Anyway, we're getting into... It's not even like nihilism or anything. It's just like nothing matters, so why should you do anything? I think it's in this weird fucking situation we're all in,

just fucking don't be a twat. Make a bit of money to make yourself comfortable and find the person you want to be with and be with them. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? P.S., how did Jesus die again? I can't remember. Easter. Yeah, Easter.

He was on Easter. What about this about tattoo? Pete, that was pleasingly entertaining and very poignant, so good on you. What about this about tattoos? There's something you might be interested in here, Pete. The Russian girl band, or? No. I don't think she said.

I don't think she said. Nothing to do with them. No. I just realised I can't find who sent that one either. This is Pete Donaldson-esque. I'll come back to that. Oh, it's from Josh. Was it Victoria for tattoo?

Another guy called Josh. Josh Cutts. Wow. He says, Afternoon, chaps. Working my way through your back catalogue and upon hearing Luke's

question about the above tattoos, I was reminded of a time a few weeks back where I was relaxing with a female acquaintance and she asked if I could tell her what I had tattooed and where.

I closed my eyes and she pointed to places on my arms in the most scientifically robust of testing where we could think of how to test. So she basically put her finger on his body at one point and he pointed to places on my arms in the most scientifically robust of testing where we could think of how to test. So she basically put her finger on his body at one point and he had to say what tattoos he had there.

And he's attached some photos to show that he's got quite a few. How many do you reckon he got out of 10? Oh, I reckon that's probably harder than you think. Because I've got about seven and I don't think I could particularly... No, I reckon... How many has he got? He got one out of ten.

One out of ten? Yeah. That's amazing, isn't it? Roll your trouser legs up. We'll try it. I don't think these really roll up too much. They're too tight. Don't look then.

Don't look. I know where that one is. Don't look. Alright. Roll them up. I'm going to point on one of your legs. Right. Don't look.

Okay, here we go. You're looking down. If you just farted, for goodness sake, look up. What? Cat in the hat. Correct. Yeah, you know what you're doing. You haven't got as many as Josh, though.

I've only got a few. But that's funny, isn't it? Because people think of tattoos as being such a big decision. Yeah. Like, oh, it's going to be on my body for the rest of my life, so I can't... And then all of a sudden,

when you get so many, you can't even remember what they are. Oh, I've got... Again, I've got loads of... I've got about seven, I think. And it doesn't matter. It just doesn't... Like, unless they're on...

Unless it's on your forehead, don't worry about it. Well, this is a new thing, isn't it? Like, SoundCloud rap, mumble rap, face tattoos are all the rage. I quite like the neck. Yeah, I quite like a necky sort of one, just my whole neck covered in shit. But that was my plan for my legs,

and look how little they're filled up. It's because you're not used to seeing through admin, are you? Yeah, massively. Yeah, it is. I mean, people who have back pieces, I mean, that's like two weeks of work. I'll tell you who's got a terrible back tattoo, Cheryl Cole. Have you seen it? No. Oh, it's bad two weeks of work. I'll tell you who's got a terrible back tattoo, Cheryl Cole.

Have you seen it? No. Oh, it's bad. It is bad. I'll find it for you while you look for another email. All right, then. Did you see the picture?

I tweeted a picture of her. She had, I mean, obviously by design, she had inside out Daisy Duke shots. Oh, I saw that, yeah. It was very confusing. What's that about? Is that a new thing? Yeah, it's the first time I've ever seen it, mate. I couldn't, yeah. It was very confusing. What's that about? Is that a new thing? Yeah, it's the first time I've ever seen it, mate.

I couldn't tell you. It looked very strange. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hello to Woodlife. Hi, look, good Pete. Enjoying the shows. Thank you for all the great work over the years. Thank you for listening, Kieran Judge. I thought I'd contribute by adding my own cash-related moral dilemma from my student days. I would like to remain

anonymous if possible. You've already said his name. Well, I'll bleep it out then. All right. Can you write that down as an edit point, please? Yeah. Maybe point out the little puff I did when you were checking out my tattoos.

What's the email about? During my first year at university, our landlord asked myself and my three housemates if any of us fancied a part-time job driving an ice cream van. Our landlord was, and still is, something of an ice cream god in this particular university town. Ever eager to earn a few quid, I jumped at the chance and agreed to accompany my landlord slash boss

on an informal training day the very next weekend. The very next Saturday, I was driving a 30-year-old ice cream van to a point-to-point horse race about 20 miles from the university town with my new boss as passenger. It quickly became clear that my boss despised students and i was an extremely highly strung perfectionist or rather he was a an extremely highly strung perfectionist think roy keane mr meets mr whippy sadly the discrepancy vehicle could only about could only reach 40 miles an hour which made for a very very long and tense

journey where the main topic of conversation was mr whippy barking stop riding the fucking clutch oh he was with him wow i thought he just sent him on his way on reaching our destination i was handed the timetable which involves staying at the race meet until midday and then circum navigating the surrounding villages on my way home with instructions to be back by eight o'clock that evening mr whippy took his leave and i was left alone so presumably just went to the races yeah at this point i should make it clear that it was early april and still a little chilly so after an extremely quiet few hours into the point-to-point race, I set off desperately hoping to sell some ice cream to make a good impression on my first day.

A further four or five hours passed. Pause for a break. And as I'd been instructed to take a check on how much stock I still had to sell, so I could adjust the boards if I'd sold out of an item. Upon lifting up some pallets of fizzy drinks, I discovered a hold-all full of cash. Some coins, but mostly notes, all counted and bundled together. My mind went into overdrive.

Clearly, Mr. Whippy did not know that the money was in the van. It was well hidden and it was covered in dust, so it may very well have been in there a long time. The money, while not life-changing, would have meant that I wouldn't have had to spend my weekends getting a bollocking from a crazed ice cream guru. Conflicted, I needed advice, this being the late 90s. I didn't have a mobile phone at the time,

so I stopped at the nearest phone box and enlisted the advice of my housemates. Our conversation veered from taking it all to taking some to taking enough for a night out. As the conversation went back and forth, I realised I didn't have the stomach for it, so I told my housemates I was going to return the bag to Mr. Whippy at the end of my shift. Some hours later, I returned the bag back to the yard, and once I'd reversed the van through the tightest of archways, under the watchful tutelage of Mr. Whippy at the end of my shift. Some hours later, I returned back to the yard, and once I'd reversed the van through the tightest of archways under the watchful tutelage of Mr. Whippy, get a fucking move on, it's not a 747,

and his two brothers, I presented him the bag full of cash, fully prepared to be praised for my honesty. The conversation went something like this. Mr. Whippy, where the fuck did you get that? Me, it was in the van. Mr. Whippy, did you look inside it? Quivering slightly. I did, yeah, and that's why I'm giving it to you,

as I thought you'd lost it. You stay here. I know how much is in that bag, and if there's a penny out, you're in deep shit. At this point, I was escorted into a warehouse at the back of his yard. While his two brothers blocked the exit, my mind was racing.

I was absolutely petrified. I was about to be clubbed to death with a clip or mutilated with a magnum or tortured with a twister. So stood for by for what i felt like i was my while mr whippy counted every penny in the bag which is about 20 grand happy that i'm happy that i hadn't helped myself mr whippy and his two brothers allowed me to leave despite this rather menacing start i worked for mr whippy throughout the summer that year his approach to his staff was very joy soprano and i was very glad to both move house and find alternative employment in my second year. I'm very pleased, despite the temptation,

I did the right thing eventually, and I can sleep soundly at night, but part of me still goes cold whenever I hear a local ice cream van pass our house. Woodlice! Anonymous man. Yeah. Well done for that.

That was amazing. What a great story. If that's true, that's brilliant. It's just like... And there's a lot of stuff around the ice cream wars and the organised crime behind it and territories and that kind of stuff that happened, I think, in Scotland in the 80s,

maybe, which would lend a bit of credence to that. Would you... If you were going to steal a roll of nuts, would you stash them along the way or would you, bearing in mind if him and his brothers find you, they're going to give you a search, aren't they?

Oh, and they're also going to know who stole it. Even if you got away, they're going to know who stole it. Yeah, but if they're not exactly sure, they're still going to check you for money, aren't they, I reckon? Yeah. What would you have done in that situation? I'd pop a drawer in my bum. Because you know

a roll. A whole roll of notes up your arsehole well maybe in two or three goes that's what I think if I had a bag I'd probably put them up my bum

because they're going to check aren't they if they think money is missing they're going where's the money gone so hang on a minute how are you going to act normal with a massive roll of notes

up your arsehole it's not a massive roll it would just be an average sized roll they're like that a few hundred quid it's like that yeah but just separate them into three or four with a massive roll of notes up your arsehole. It's not a massive roll. It would just be an average-sized roll. They're like that. A few hundred quid. It's like that.

Yeah, but just separate them into three or four. It'd be like posting a newspaper. On a Sunday. Yeah. I don't think you thought that through. Best case scenario, you get away with it. You've got a load of shitty banknotes. You can't even spend them. You can wash them.

People think it's a dirty protest. They're paper notes. This is late 90s. They're paper notes. You can't spend them anyway. You can wash them. People think it's a dirty protest. They're paper notes. This is late 90s. They're paper notes. You can't spend them anyway. Oh, well. Good luck. Best case scenario, you've got a grand's worth of notes you can't spend.

Yeah. It's hard, isn't it, crime? Yeah. You've got to think it through. Hard putting things up your bum, isn't it? That was like Breaking Bad, that story. Lovely, isn't it? I love that.

Thanks very much for that. I want to end it with a couple here. You know, at the start of the year, I asked people to to get in touch with suggestions about stuff we could do oh la la that wasn't just us sitting around because i feel like we're a bit like a married couple or a pair of housemates and we don't really have any money if you're a goggle box isn't it and all we do is just sit around playing computer games and watching telly maybe we should go out and do something right that was my sort of spontaneous idea anyway adam's been in touch all right no pants on the subway i think yeah maybe because i think the

only thing you need to do is a show at stubbington study center i don't know if i've been there myself despite being fairly local and i don't know what there is to do but it could be fun um and he also says check out the previous emails i've sent you i said well no i'm not gonna do that i'll judge him on their merits stubbington study center we coulding Centre we could go to, Pete. It's not too far from where my parents live. I don't think we'd better do a show from there. They wouldn't let us.

But we could definitely go and look at the Badger sets. We've given them so much. Yeah, we've given so much. We've given them so much. I don't for one second think that our sway is anywhere near as big as this.

But Pete, imagine if there's some people at Stirling and Stirling Centre now who listen, looking at reports going, visitors have gone up 40%. Through the roof. We haven't spent any money on marketing. It's up Pete's arse. at Stirling Centre now looking at reports going visitors have gone 40% through the roof

we haven't spent any money on marketing it's up Pete's arse if you if you are from Stirling Centre and you're noticing that at least send us a jumper

send us a badger logo sweatshirt that would be nice I've got one more email if you want to do it alright then we've got about time for it and I thought it might

tickle your fancy Pete it's from Alec Lodge Lodge who says in brackets a meat eater and that will become clear why in a minute hi Luke and Pete about time for it and I thought it might tickle your fancy Pete it's from Alec Lodge Lodge A who says in brackets a meat eater and that will become clear one in a minute

Hi Luke and Pete just thought I'd throw in my two pence worth regarding the Greg's vegan sausage roll ooh remember we talked about that

no yes oh yes they've gone vegan he says well I'm not wanting to look like I agree with Piers Morgan basically I think they're pointless

why would a vegan be in Greg's in the first place? And why would they spend money in a shop famous for trading mountains of meat products? Love the show, Alex. Decent point, I suppose. But I guess some people might be vegan for sort of health reasons, maybe. Not just to do with the objection of... It's unlikely, though, isn't it?

It's a good point. I think you'd be vegan for health reasons, can't you? Yeah, you can. But what I'm saying, he's unlikely, though, isn't it? It's a good point. I think you'd be vegan for health reasons, can't you? Yeah, you can, but what I'm saying is he's right, though, because 90-odd percent of people are going to be vegan for ethical reasons.

Yeah. So you're not going to want to support a proper business that does that anyway, right? Yeah, good point, actually. But it's all about choice, isn't it? It's all about choice. Is it a publicity stunt?

Who can tell? Let's not criticise our business for trying to diversify. Exactly, yeah. Because we might be in the same position at some point. We spoke about this before. Things change because businesses get on board.

Look at the Gear Pride movement. Look at how it's been co-opted by Starbucks and big business. And that's what changes the needle. That's what moves the needle. And also, we might need to... Not politicians, mate. When this whole foul jamboree packs in, we might do something different.

What? Get off of each other. Diversify our business. All right. Why is your mind first straight away go to there? Listen, it's been a fairly

mild show by your stands and we still had loads of banknotes up the bum. I was literally just putting banknotes up my bum. You farted in my face. You put banknotes up your ass.

I made it in that bow. And you're talking about getting off with me now. Stop it. I thought the pump would be richer and I thought the sound would be richer

but it's not. It's pathetic. It's like a little puff it sounded almost like you had a lot of notes up your bum and there'd be a pocket of air caught it's the queen screaming right that's enough for that

let's get out of here so thank you very much for listening hello at lukeandpete.com if you want to emulate some of the contributors from this week on email and we're on

at lukeandpete show on twitter leave us a nice review on itunes if you get a chance tell your friends about us we're doing it for the love we also like getting paid as well

so get in touch yeah you're talking about money quite a lot recently god are you expecting some more landscaping just bought a new car haven't I have you

yeah what's what litre engine is it I don't know I don't drive it no idea what I ask so you've got a DAB radio in there

yeah I have actually oh lovely that was on the that was on the bucket list near to be. So you've got DAB Radio in there? Yeah, I have actually. Oh, lovely. That was on the bucket list, near to be included. Have you got one of those racing seats? What does that mean? Have you got one of those little clear film things with your and your wife's name on them?

I'd love that. That'd be brilliant. Bring them back. Yeah, I should do. That's very 70s. Have you got a Garfield stick at the window or a little man who pulls down his pants when you squeeze a little ball?

Yeah, I've also got like a boot opener thing, which is like man fingers. Little fingers. It looks like I'm just trapped in the boot, yeah. Yeah, like Joe Pesci. Lovely. All right, see you later. Is that all I'm getting?

Yeah. Bye. You're bringing the music in underneath later, aren't you? Don't do that while I'm saying goodbye. See you later. See you later. Bye. don't do that while I'm saying goodbye see you later bye bye

boy Pete I haven't stopped it oh stop this