The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 14: I Like a Squeeze Too Sometimes

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

What did you learn in home economics at school? What did you have from the vending machine after you went swimming? But you know what they say, nostalgia isn't what it used to be, so there's also enough space in the Luke and Pete audio bubble to chat about your most awkward family dinner incidents and a mysterious and unsolved death in Australia in the 1940s which Pete appears to be obsessed with.To solve the crime or just let us know regrettable things you've said at the dinner table hit us up: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

we're back it's a little piece show episode 14 how have we managed to get to 14 we're in it what body of work luke i know last week was brutal i'm hoping that there's going to be nicer things in this show and to be honest honest, it's Listener Led again. And you guys have pretty much done us a solid again because you've not been quite so violent. One thing I will say is I now know what our listeners are most fearful of. What's that? The truth.

What do you mean? Just 45 minutes or whatever it was of real talk. You're going to send it in to us. We're going to broadcast it back to you. We should start like a no-rules radio station where Of send it in to us. We're going to broadcast it back to you. We should start like a no rules radio station where Ofcom can't touch us. Can they touch us now? No.

Probably should know that. Yeah. But listen, the good news is this week, as far as I'm aware, Pete, unless you've got a curveball or two for me, there's no Nagasaki chat. No. There's no torture chat.

No. There's just some good, clean, wholesome fun. Let's do some Japanese counters again. Let me finish. Yeah. After the main course, you do earn yourself a dessert. Oh, good. Yeah.

But I was promised a sauce. I was promised a sauce. I was promised a sauce. Greg Wallace, professional, no, celebrity master chef, which is the third best of the master chef canon. Oh, hang on. What was it? What was it?

Celebrity master chef? That's what at the moment I was going to say. Right, okay. Best one is just MasterChef. Right. Then the Professionals. Yeah. And then Celebrity.

Isn't there a young MasterChef as well? There is. My friend's son was on that. Stop saying there's only three of them. Sorry, yeah. Four. Yeah, but it's not really a series. It tends to just be like a one-off special at Christmas or whatever.

My friend's son was on it. He didn't win, but he did bloody well. I was very proud of him. What did he cook? He did a... It was some sort of dessert. I can't remember. Anyway, good for him.

I used to make... Little James is his name. Little James. He's in Big James by now. His uncle, who's my best mate, is also called James. What was your signature dish at HE? Home Economics. I can't remember, but what I can... Do you want to know what I can cook quite well now? my best mate who's also called James what was your signature dish at HE home economics

I can't remember but what I can do you want to know what I can cook quite well now I can do a very very good steak I know everyone thinks that but I can I can do a very very good

spaghetti bolognese and I can do a fairly decent I would say curry ok yeah yeah fair do's basic stuff I know

I overstretch myself every time whenever I have to cook, I spend about 40 quid on the meat. I just sort of panic and sort of go. Do you use every pan as well?

Use every pan, use everything. My speciality is, I've done beef welling before. I've done a good job of that. Fish pies, fish pies,

quite easy, quite good. Just put lemon, put lemon in everything. But back in the day in H.E., I used to make panaclete, which I'm not sure whether you're familiar with.

I've never heard of it. It just can't be hash. Why do you call it that? I don't know.E. I used to make pannacol tea which I'm not sure whether you're familiar with it's just corned beef hash. Why do you call it that? I don't know I always used to call it pannacol tea. Is it Welsh then? Very salty. Is it a Welsh name? It's just going to be

corned beef potatoes gravy salt just more salt. Imagine how salty that dish is anyway put more salt in it.

Because gravy isn't salty you know. No exactly. We're going to talk about gravy later. But we used to have it in Home Economics and I remember getting a good mark for that.

And I remember the day being sullied slightly by the teacher saying to the only Asian girl in our school, you should be good at curries. That's out of order.

That's out of order. In a way. Yeah, in a way. A couple of points on that. One, I do remember now, I think I made an apple crumble. Right. I got annoyed about

having to carry it all the way home. I mean, that was a thing though, wasn't it? Because you're not allowed to eat it just then. No. You don't get to share it with your mates because everyone's cooking the same dish the way home. I mean, that was a thing, wasn't it? Because you're not allowed to eat it just then. No. You don't get to share it with your mates.

No. Because everyone's cooking the same dish, invariably. I mean, if you eat a whole apple crumble at school, you're going to get a nickname. What was it? Oh, crumble boy. Crumble boy. And the other thing I was going to say was...

Father crumble-ness. Without getting too daily mail about it, I genuinely... She should have known how to cook a curry No Peter You're disgusting

Naughty That is naughty No I was going to say I do genuinely think that people at a young age and this is only based on my own experiences

should be given more sort of practical skills like cooking and stuff It's important Yeah it is important I mean Do you know what I think would be genuinely

really good at school I don't know if they do forgive me if they already do this i'm not i'm not i'm fine with it i don't really know i don't think i know any teachers that well but um things like wiring a plug cooking a dinner all that sort of i don't know like painting a wall or something that sort of stuff is important there are so many new kind of light fixtures now yeah with leds and stuff there's like all kinds of different fittings. Selecting the right one in the shop. I think like

when you're watching QVC sniffing bullshit out. Yeah. I've got another one for you. How to torture the murderer of a Dutch king. How to cleanly fillet

a fox using a freight train. We promise not to do that anymore. We've got in trouble with people. I do consider myself an animal lover. I've told you I'm spending the spring tagging voles and shrews. I love animals. Tag promised not to do that anymore. OK, all right. You've got in trouble with people. I do consider myself an animal lover. I've told you, I'm spending the spring

tagging voles and shrews. I love animals. Tagging them with an air rifle, you dirty little boy. What a nasty little shit you are. I can't give them a spray paint. Look at my colourful voles. So, yeah, once again,

you guys have done us a solid and got in touch with a few things. Russell Buchanan. No. What? Jingle. Jingle. Sorry, it's been... I got in touch with a few things. Russell Buchanan. No. What? Jingle. Jingle. Sorry. It's been. I've done it quite a few times. It's been. Motherfucker. I'm not mentioning it this time. People are getting bored of me mentioning it. Carry on. Russell Buchanan. Do you know what? A mate of mine when we were kids used to have a Grinick Morton shirt. Yes, okay.

And they were sponsored by Buchanan's Toffees. Buchanan's Toffees. Toffees is so Scottish and so A's. A few of my friends who knew him before I knew him as he was a bit younger said that when he started

wearing that shirt, no one knew how to pronounce Buchanan's. And of course, there's no internet there when we were young. So everyone used to call it Buchanans.

Buchanans, yeah. Buchanans. Yeah. When I look back to what what kind of candies I ate, I had... I don't know how I had it, but I would go to play football or whatever, but afterwards I would go swimming.

I would spend at least three pounds on toffee, Highland toffee from the vending machine. 5p bars, 10p bars. Sometimes they'd turn up covered in chocolate, sometimes they didn't. I don't know how I didn't contract some kind of diabetes. You might have. I might have undiagnosed, yeah.

I am very sleepy after dinners. We all are. No, but like anything. I can eat anything. Over like 500 calories, I'm sleeping. Do you know what that is? Why? Because your body's using all its energy to process it.

I know it is, but like Actually taking siestas To get over it Two things One you're not getting Any younger by the way No You're in your late thirties now Two things

One Russell Get in touch Whether anyone's Mispronounced your name As Buckingham So that's number one That's number one Two

I feel your pain About swimming I used to always get I think a can of 7up And a packet of salt When he had squares Oh You shouldn't have that in the pool, mate.

No, not in the pool. You'll be denied float privileges. I used to use the empty crisp bags as armbands. So, yeah, Russell Bucherun has got in touch. It's pronounced Buckernan. We talked about Alex Jones. Oh, I love him. He's an angry man on the television.

He does Infowars, and he's on the internet and on the television basically spouting racist conspiracy theories. I say I love him. I used to love him, but now I hear that he's got actually quite a lot of influence. I'm a bit terrified of him. I wonder, what I would love to know

is whether Alex Jones would be let into the country. Did you work at the Home Office? Get in touch. Well, it seems to be like, I can't get an Iranian visa if I want to be allowed in America. And even inquiring about an Iranian visa, apparently they'll somehow find out, which is weird. It's like a credit check. Yeah. Have you ever applied for an Iranian visa?

You're not allowed in the country. Yeah, I mean, they're particularly harsh. I go to the US a fair amount, and they can be particularly harsh. And the knock-on effect of living with an American has made it, I'm almost very, very conscious that I can't really get, not that I do anything anyway, but I wonder whether a particularly bad driving offence would stop me going to see my family. Well, now with the advent of modern technology,

they're allowed to look at people's mobile phones. So the advice is wipe your phone before you try to enter. I mean, this is like, it's what you would expect in North Korea or the aforementioned kind of Iran, possibly. But, like, it's insane. Like, there was this Canadian woman who was not allowed in the country because she, on her mobile phone, had a private conversation with her doctor

about taking recreational drugs. Right. And basically the bloke read it and went, yeah, you're not allowed in because you said that you took drugs. Oh, you took drugs. Actually, but the story was more harrowing than that because the story in question was her explaining that she hadn't taken drugs in a few years

because the last time she took drugs, the person she was with died from those drugs. And she's not allowed in the country. Don't take drugs, kids. Well, don't take drugs and wait your form before you go to the US. Two things on that. One, go to Boston. The staff there are absolutely lovely.

One of the things that people don't fully understand, I think, is that a lot of it is run at a local level. So a lot of America is run at a local level, state level. If you go to fly into JFK and experience the border guards and the staff there and then fly into Boston, Logan, it's like night and day. They're all very friendly, very nice.

And the second point is, Pete, do you remember that story someone told us the other day about an elderly woman who flew from the UK to the US and wasn't let in because her passport said her place of birth was Delhi? Yes, that's right, yes. She was trying to explain to the US and wasn't let in because her passport said her place of birth was Delhi. Yes, that's right, yes.

She was trying to explain to the border guard that she was actually born in India under British Occupy India and that Britain... Why have you got a British passport?

This passport is fake. Yeah. Because she said you were born in... Why have you lied on your passport? And she couldn't get them to explain it and they wouldn't let her in. But that is...

Happens. Well, she was detained until they said... She just pleaded them, Google fucking India. Yeah, don't in. But that is... Happens. Well, she was detained until they said, she just pleaded them, Google fucking India. Yeah, don't swear. Google India. Don't swear.

Don't swear. Never swear. One of the things that actually made me laugh about JFK last time I was there and I avoid it like the plague is that they've clearly tried to do some sort of

friendly PR, public-facing, you know, sort of drive to get people to give them a better, positive experience.

And they've decorated, I don't know if you've been there recently, but the terminal I was in, they had decorated it all with bright colours, with hashtags everywhere. So let us know what you think. Hashtag JFK. All this other stuff. And I swear to you, I saw a woman get her phone out and the guy came over with no phones. How can I tweet about it? I'm going to tweet about this positive experience. Yeah. Get my laptop out. That'll make it worse. I remember putting, walking through, I'm going it. No phones. How can I tweet about it? How can I tweet about this positive experience?

Yeah, get my laptop out. That'll make it worse. I remember walking through. I might have told you this. Sorry. Another podcast. Possibly don't really care. I was walking through and I had my passport.

I had loads of crap in my pocket. So I was trying to find where the thing was in my pocket. So I popped the passport in between my teeth while I was, you know, grabbing my stuff out of my pocket. It was like, sir, sir. Like a 50-year-old man. Yeah. With rubber gloves on, let's not forget. He's like, sir, sir, like a 50-year-old man. Yeah. With rubber gloves on, let's not forget.

Yeah. Goes, sir, we have to handle those, take that out of your mouth. Yeah. I was thinking, it's my document. And, you know, he's wearing rubber gloves for a reason, because he puts his hand up people's arses. If touching my spittle is the worst part of your day, Mick, count yourself lucky.

Yeah. It's a good day for you, fella. Yeah. I mean, on the other hand, they do want to keep up the riff raff. Would Alex Jones be let in the UK? Probably not. Hopefully not.

Hope not. Very stocky man. We've got no place. We don't need him here. We don't need him here.

We've got enough idiots. We've got enough white winged psychopaths. Two in this room. So basically he sent in this video. Pay your

conversations on Alex Jones. I thought you would enjoy this video of one of his reporters experiencing some legendary Boston hospitality while trying to film a segment pushing Boston Marathon bombing conspiracies.

That was a big thing at the time. Obviously, there was like a crowdsourced 4chan-led investigation to try and find the identity of the bombers as well. But on the flip side of that, there was also actually that investigation, so-called online investigation, you know, found like three different people who didn't have anything to do with it, obviously. But on the flip side, Alex Jones and his lot were very into false flags and stuff like that about the Boston Marathon, which, you know, it boggles the mind. They were the same about 9-11.

They were the same about fucking Grenfell and the same about the Manchester bombing. It's sickening. It's incredibly disrespectful uh and it shouldn't happen in a civilized society but we've got flat earthers now so yeah i've got a dog in this fight because my um father-in-law and so a lot of my family are from boston um and it's an amazing city a wonderful hospitable lovely people um that is a tragedy a genuine tragedy obviously and the people of Boston deserve better than that and I'm pleased

as you've said Peter here or as Russell said Russell Buchanan here Russell Buckingham I believe it's pronounced has said good on the people of Boston for giving Alex Jones

a good old bit of a bit of Boston hospitality and giving him let's say in a polite way shall we say fairly short shrift which is exactly

what he deserves there are some fantastic swear words in here. So check this out. Fury's Boston Man Confronts InfoWars reporter. You son of a bitch. I know what it is. I'm not putting it in your face. It's nowhere near you.

I don't care, dude. This is my neighborhood. Who the fuck are you? You're trying to what? You're to like put more right-wing conspiracy theories you're not covering what's going on here your boy said this was a false flag the bomb that blew up people was a false flag what is that supposed to mean no the fbi is behind the bombing that's what you're here to cover and that's why i'm the asshole because the fbi blew up those people at the boston marathon that's right that's because you're a dope and what you say is dangerous and

people like you shouldn't be able to drive a car much less expose your opinions in public what i like about him is he's very clear even though he's furious with the guy he's very clear you're welcome that's the nicest thing I can say about you you son of a bitch this son of a bitch I love it well that's a lovely way to end it when I get angry I get I'm quite so bad at articulating myself so I'm pleased that he's going to come he uses words like nun Nick which I never heard before once one Nick the thing that gives me gives me gives me sort of like heart about that stuff is that you always think of idiots wherever you go, right? It happens, and I'm fine.

But I love the idea of the universe putting this right, that people are going out there to combat it and letting him know that he's talking absolute nonsense. And actually, it's not just an opinion, because everyone's allowed an opinion on certain stuff. It's hugely disrespectful, immensely unacceptable, and I'm pleased he's been called out on it. There's a great video of Alex Jones

trying to sort of challenge someone and he's doing some mad thing on the corner of a street. I think it's in Seattle or something. And he's saying this nonsense as usual and this guy just flips him the bird and Alex Jones gets really annoyed, right? He sort of chases after him, doesn't he? Yeah, but the way he runs is absolutely amazing.

He runs exactly like, if you're familiar with... SpongeBob SquarePants. Yeah, he does. He runs like a square man. Because he's so blocked. He's so blocky, sort of. He is.

He is. Here he is. He's so angry. You're a freak and a fraud. You're a freak and a fraud! He sort of runs across the road. Like, if he was, like, six foot tall, you would understand why he runs like that,

because he runs a little bit like... Who's the fastest runner in the world? Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt. He runs like Usain Bolt, but he's so stocky, it doesn't really work. No. You know something?

I'm not afraid of you people. You got something to say, say it. You got nothing in life for. This guy's just flipping him off. Yeah. He's so laid back. And later on in that video, somebody just throws coffee on him,

which is quite fun. A literal slave of the system. See that? That's who they are. Look at this slave. Do you hear him say there, literal slave of the system, right? When I used to live in South London, there was a guy who used to walk in the rush hour on purpose, didn't have a job, walk the opposite way to all the rush hour walkers, commuters, with a lab coat on, slogans daubed on it in marker pen,

shouting, morning sheep! Morning sheep! Off you go! Off to the office, morning sheep! I quite like that. It was amazing. It was one of the highlights of my day. He's like the shame guy in Shame of Thrones.

Yeah, Shame of Thrones. It's getting good. I'll keep saying it. Keep saying it. It's gotten good. It's finished, mate. Speaking of blocks, speaking of blocky things. Right. I'll keep saying it. Keep saying it. It's gotten good. It's finished, mate. Speaking of blocks. Yes.

Speaking of blocky things. Right. I've gotten to Minecraft this week. What is that? It's like that game where you build stuff, right? Really? I'm not really across it. Minecraft.

I'm not really across it. I worry about you. You should. Yeah. Minecraft. I worry about you and your Infowars description. But anyway, Tom Bainan, who is a long-term listener. I'm a Limbaugh fan.

Some of our stuff. And a friend of the show. He's a friend of ours, to take it Mafia. Who's this? Tom Bainan. Oh, Tom Bainan. Okay, cool. He's been in touch.

Good news. Now, the reason this is important is because a week, maybe two or three weeks ago, I told you, not in confidence because it was on the show, but I told you, as God is my witness, that I had a Kit Kat Chunky once with no wafer in it. Okay. You didn't believe me. Your words were,

I think, a direct quote, I'm not having it, didn't happen. Yeah. Okay, well, Tom's been in touch. It's just got,

the news just got bad for you, Dodson. Okay. Listening to the show reminded me that I too had a Kit Kat Chunky with no wafer in it about five years ago

before my self-imposed Nestle boycott. I looked into that. I thought I might have sorted their act out. They haven't. I took a picture, he says, and who wouldn't take a picture for proof? Well, I didn't. He said, it felt like winning the Willy Wonka golden ticket, only the prize realizing that Nestle chocolate isn't that nice, and the only way it becomes edible is having a large wafer making up 85% of the bar. Now, that's great, Tom. I appreciate you supporting me there, even though you may not have wanted to support me,

you just wanted to put it out that it's happened to you too. I looked up to look up Nestle on Wikipedia about all this, because I know people boycott it. Well, they boycotted it back in the 90s, I remember, the baby milk thing. It goes back as far as the 70s, yeah. But their Wikipedia headings, I mean, these are some of their genuine Wikipedia headings.

Nestle baby formula boycott, status of potable water, Ethiopian debt 2002, child labour, chocolate price fixing, packaging claims, and forced labour in the Thai fishing industry. It's one of those where you sort of go, how have they still got a name? Like, how have they still got a name?

Like, how have they still got a name? Like, I can understand how, I don't know, Samsung can get over the Galaxy Note Explorer, the Galaxy 7, sorry, having a bit of a problem with the fire and stuff like that. I can understand they're a big company, they're selling a lot of, they're shifting a lot of product. But, like, just change your goddamn name or something,

how can you still have the PR ability to get over things like that? They must have about 10 Remy Dantons. You don't see Bhopal anymore, do you? No, what's that? That was the chemical spill in India, I think it was. Okay. Killed a lot of people and hurt a lot of babies. Do you reckon Remy Dantons...

Nearly about 50. Yeah. About 50 of them. Speaking of which, I was on a plane once when they put a notice over the PA saying if you've

got a Samsung Galaxy whatever, please turn it off and show it to the air stewardess. You know I allowed them. But anyway,

so Tom had a Kit Kat chunkie on the way for it, great. So it definitely happens. I'm pleased that that's happened

because you know when it happens ages ago and you start doubting yourself. What'm pleased that's happened because you know when that happens ages ago and then you start doubting yourself what essentially I forgot to say though is that when that happens

it's really a Yorkie it's just a Yorkie it just becomes a Yorkie is it? is that necessarily oh yeah I guess it is I like a Yorkie but something that

absolutely blew my mind to bits is this the David Cooper one? yes I'm going to tell it I'm going to tell it to the listeners tell it

tell it so David Cooper another friend of ours so so david cooper another friend of ours um so many friends he's a friend of ours uh he said uh check this out when we're talking about kit kats and he showed us an article which explained what is actually inside the kit kat and the wafer now of course a lot of it is just wafer biscuit but in between those wafer biscuits inside of both the kit kat and a kit kat chunky okay my stomach is rumbling like you wouldn't believe can you hear my stomach rumbling it's other smashed up kit kat so inside the wafer filling of a kit kat is smashed up kit kats yeah right i'm here to get old chicken and egg on this yeah but how does that work exactly if we

kind of extrapolate backwards hey yo i heard you like a kid getting your kit kat so i'll kick cutting while you kick out so you can kick out while you kick out dog i can't believe that it's so weird and also yeah it's like remember the there was a brass eye uh sketch or maybe it was the day-to-day or maybe it was even earlier than that something chris morris sketch anyway. And it was basically a village in, like, the middle of, I don't know, a corn well or something, were doing, like, a pie, making, like, a big, you know, sometimes you make a big paella or something in Spain.

And, like, a village came together and made this big pie. But it was made out of last year's pie and last year's pie before that and last year's pie before that. So people were getting really ill because they were eating this pie pie. And they were just going, oh, now it's the pie pie pie pie pie

because it's made out of so many pies. So yeah, I don't know where the original Kit Kat came from. That's what I'm worried about. They must be thinking well there's plenty of Kit Kats that get damaged in the production line so rather than chuck them away

rather give them to the people on the production line working here who are getting fat. I mean that would be a perfect job for me by the way. You just sit at the end of the conveyor belt in the gob. Yeah, like a birther.'d just sit at the end of the conveyor belt. In the gob. Yeah, like a birther. Right.

A reverse birther. Birther made things. Oh, yeah. Sometimes I think you're a dream, Luke. A bad one. I've got a few mates who had jobs in... In the TV show Birther? Wow.

No, we all used to do terrible jobs in between years at uni and stuff, right? And I had some terrible... I did door-to-door selling and all sorts. A few of my mates worked in factories doing production line stuff. Yeah, I did. Fumes and all that sort of thing And I did some terrible, I did door-to-door selling and all sorts. A few of my mates worked in factories doing like production line stuff. Yeah, I did. Fumes and all that sort of thing. I did tax returns, I did print finishing,

I did sandwiches as well. Get in touch. Hello at Luke and Pete show.com about your worst jobs. That'd be great. There are some people who sort of do those jobs and sort of goes,

I will never eat a insert brand of pasty ever again. I will never eat another sandwich. But to be quite frank, I've done those jobs and I'm like, yeah, they're all right, though.

I like sandwiches a lot. They wouldn't let me put any aftershave on and all that. They got very upset once when I turned up with that. What are the sandwiches? A little gift. When we used to do the tax returns, we used to put sweets in the envelope. Oh, really?

That's naughty, isn't it? Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I wonder if anyone saw it and went, ooh, the IRS. IRS, the tax people. All right. Text. Right, it tax people. All right. Text. Right, it's time for this.

We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad about Mum and Dad, we'll both look after Luke. Oi, oi. We're back. Oh, you, oi! We're back! Oi, alright. We're back in the room. I've had a glass of water, so hopefully my stomach won't be rumbling. Is that what you took?

Say again? I thought you would have eaten something. No, I don't have anything in the hoose. I've literally got no food in the hoose. Before we do emails, do you remember, this is sort of an email, my mate messaged me it, because I don't think he's got my email address. You know, a few weeks ago we were talking about the difference between a guest house and a hotel, and I said I prefer a guest house. I mean, that sounds like a lot behind a podcast, doesn't it? It does, yeah.

He messaged me saying, just listen to the latest Luke and Pete show. I cannot stand a guest house. I'll always take a hotel. I don't want some weirdo staring at me trying to guess how much I like their local sausages in the morning. Pathetic. Even if it's my parents, they can get to guess how much I like their local sausages in the morning. Pathetic. Even if it's my parents, they can get to fuck. So, there you go.

Yeah, I'm probably in that camp too, because I prefer either a hotel room or... I stayed in one a few weeks ago. It's a very biased way of looking at it. You stayed in one at Southend, when you could have easily commuted home, because you were an absolute deviant. Stank like...

Oh, no, because you couldn't get home that late. Were you at that sex festival in Kent the other day? Didn't someone die? Yeah, it's not a laughing matter. Too much sex. It's not a laughing matter. You don't know how they died. Chemsex. Emails. Can I go first with the emails? Alright then, baby. I've got one here that I would really passionately like to deliver. Chemsex. Now, we did say last week we've had quite a lot of good emails coming about family dinner conversations. Now, a few weeks ago we said this is a great... I knew this would be a rich theme because it's just such a funny situation.

It's very formal in a very informal set of relationships and all this other stuff goes on. And since then, we've had a few more which are even better, so we're going to read these ones. This one is up first from Dan. She says Dan, which is fair enough. He doesn't want to be identified, and I understand. This has got a little bit of swearing in it.

Watch out, guys. Naughty swearing. Oh, big ones. Not just the normal ones like shit and motherfucker. Worse ones than that. Motherfucker's quite a bad one. It is. It is the worst one on radio.

Motherfucker is the worst one. Yeah, it's worse than the other one. Learn something new every day. I don't think you're supposed to do any swear words on radio, are you? Anyway, Dan says, Hello, boys. Upon hearing your patter about what families talk about over the dinner table, I was transported back to a Christmas dinner I had with my family

at the best part of a decade ago. Now, this is Christmas dinner, Pete, not just a family dinner. Big one. This is quite a long one. The big one, the most important one, the one that people plan for for weeks and months. It's the best one. It is the best one.

Unless you go to Thanksgiving, that's also very good. But this is quite a long one, so one that people planned for for weeks and months. It's the best one. It is the best one. Unless you go to Thanksgiving, that's also very good. But this is quite a long one, so bear in mind. He says, quick background, I grew up on the outskirts of the lovely city of Bath, in a conservative, somewhat Christian focused household. For all of my adolescence, I concealed my deviant side from my strict, God-fearing, but otherwise lovely parents. That is until

my first Christmas back after starting university in Liverpool. I'd never been one for swearing much, especially not in front of my parents. That is until my first Christmas back after starting university in Liverpool. I'd never been one for swearing much, especially not in front of my parents. But going to uni in a much bigger and livelier city, surrounding myself with gruffer people, I'd picked up the habit of effing and jeffing like I was a sailor

down the Albert Dock. Not wanting to upset my parents, I'd kept my foul tongue in check all over the Christmas holiday until Christmas dinner itself. My favourite thing about Christmas dinner is that this email's great because of the details I love.

About Christmas dinner has always and will always be pigs in blankets. Now for our overseas listeners, that is a tiny little cocktail sausage

wrapped in bacon. Beautiful thing. Very much part of the part of the Christmas dinner. And actually, based on something you said last week, also very salty.

Yeah, not kosher. No, it's not. Absolutely not. Indeed, I'd always sneak an extra one more that was probably approved by my father and hoped that there'd be plenty left over once I'd forced down all the dry meat and veg. However, this year, my mother,

always fond of the finer things in life, like mother, like son, took it upon herself to empty the half dozen or so pigs in blankets left onto her own plate before she'd even finished her roasties, the total cheat. Without thinking, in total disgust, I said, you greedy cunt. Not on a sea.

I guess better than this. Not at Christmas dinner. Well, that was it. Mayhem. My father dropped his glass of wine, smashing instantly, startling the cat to the point it jumped directly onto the dinner table. The dog, Gandalf, it's called Gandalf, not wanting to be outdone,

instantly leapt from the floor to the table to chase the cat, trampling on all the fruits of my mother's labour before settling into the bowl of cauliflower cheese. Now, hang on a minute, I'm not having cauliflower cheese at Christmas dinner, but I'll come on to that in a minute. My mother was shell shocked, and her only words to me for the rest of the day that she was heartbroken. I'm not having cauliflower cheese at Christmas dinner, but I'll come on to that in a minute. My mother was shell-shocked,

and her only words to me for the rest of the day was that she was heartbroken. My sister vowed to never speak to me again as I'd ruined her favourite meal of the year, while my brother raged from indifference, pothead, to finding it hilarious. My dad then told me at best that I didn't accompany the family to the traditional after-dinner drink in the local pub the first time I could have gone

and legally enjoyed an adult beverage, which I must admit hurt. Well, tough titties, innit? You just ruined the whole thing by using the C. At your mum! To this day, my parents refer to it as the incident. And whenever one of my siblings invariably brings it up over a family meal, a cold

chill passes around the dinner table, my mother's eyes narrow, and my father's cheeks turn to a delightful shade of pink. As it is i regret that so much food went to waste but she was being a greedy so-and-so oh some reserve love the show from an older man all the best all the best down he's like the error of his way dan that's fantastic i mean well written how did i set that mate i mean i don't think we will ever understand how important Christmas dinner is to a mum. Can I go to Dan's?

It sounds like, well, you won't get a pigs and blanket because she's got a greedy con in the house. My mum is an absolute angel on Christmas dinner. She's brilliant. I go in there and help out a sous chef. I just help out whenever she needs chopping. My mum will not let me go near anything she cooks. And as discussed on a previous podcast in another life, Luke,

she cooks the roasties the day before. She cooks the meat two days before. It drives me to fucking distraction. That's absolute. I've got grounds to call my mum a C. That's all I'm saying. Well, you haven't because your mum's absolutely lovely. And she's an angel as well.

But if I can put this in sort of diplomatic terms, I depart from her on that technique. What I would say is, what I like about this is, he's gone to university, you know, he's clearly got a lovely tight unit of a family, and he comes back and says, you greedy cunt, it's such a horrible thing to do. I know, it's outrageous.

But maybe, I don't know, did he think he, oh, wow. I would say, though, Pete, just in case your mum's listening, Mrs. Donaldson, if you're listening, you know, apologies for how your son's turned out and all that. It's not your fault, you did your best. But it's easy to cook a turkey on Christmas morning. Work your timings out, baste it properly, get the bacon on it. We never have turkey, to be fair.

Oh, what do you have? We have all kinds of different meats. Come on, it's a special occasion. We never have turkey, to be fair. Oh, what do you have? We have all kinds of different meats. Come on, it's a special occasion. Beef, beef, you should be honest. Beef? You can have that any time. You can have turkey any time, it's disgusting. And no one likes it. Dry.

You can't eat it. You don't like it, that's not the point, is it? But I really did, the biggest issue I've got with this story from Dan is that, I mean, look, my mum actually, a couple of weeks ago, she introduced a bowl of cauliflower cheese into the roast. I didn't, I wasn't... Out of nowhere, bam, there it is.

Well, my wife loves it. Right. And so, obviously, my mum's like, oh, great, well, I'll make it then, because I like it too, sort of thing. Why do you like cauliflower cheese? No, I don't mind it, but it doesn't go with gravy.

You can't have gravy on it. Yeah, it can. It's like having bread sauce. Like I said, you can't have bread sauce or horseradish sauce. It's a creamy kind of addition to the meal.

I don't think cauliflower cheese should be included in a Christmas dinner. And just so you know, just for the avoidance of doubt, non-negotiables in order of importance re-Christmas dinner

from me, turkey, roast potatoes, gravy, parsnips, peas, carrots and swede. Peas? Carrots and swede mashed up and cranberry sauce. Right, carrots and swede's a bit of a swerve.

I'm not having that. That's a nonsense. Peas as well can get GTF. Pete, sorry, you missed what I just wrote again. Non-negotiable. And the list is there. Oh, by the way, let's talk, it's, what date is it now? It's September.

We're in September. Let's talk about Pret Christmas Sandwich. When's that coming out? Oh, yeah. I love that. Crack it on. Yeah. If you haven't got a Pret near you, sad about that.

Well, it's like a British version of when Americans get excited about the red Starbucks cup. Yes. And the eggnog lattes. Pret Christmas Sandwich is genuinely one of the best things about Christmas. Yeah. It's a beautiful bread, spinach leaves, stuffing,

a bit of mayo, stuffing, crispy onions, turkey, cranberry sauce. Is that it? A fair whack of butter as well. No, I don't think they put butter in it, mate. Do they not? No, I think they used the cranberry sauce for that as a substitute.

Not having that. Anyway, Christmas is just around the corner. Pete, have you got think they put butter in it, mate. Do they not? No, I think they used the cranberry sauce for that as a substitute. Not having that. Anyway, Christmas just round the corner. Pete, have you got any family Christmas traditions, by the way? My dad comes home from the pub,

slightly belligerent and annoying. Has he gone to the pub with his pals? And we argue about politics. No, he hasn't got any pals around the pub, Luke. He just sits there

and reads the newspaper. Why don't you go with him? And text me goal updates when you cast it on the television. I'm already watching it, Dad. Why don't you go with him? And text me goal updates when you cast it on the television. So I'm watching it, I'm already watching it, Dad. Why don't you go with him? Yeah, I've started doing that

and you know what? He's bloody quite fun when he's drunk. There you go. But I always, I had a very regimented, strict, I only drink after 6pm

and I still kind of do that to be honest. I can't make out what day I drink it. It just makes me sleepy and miserable and hungover at about like 7 o'clock

in the evening. But yeah, drinking with my dad's actually quite fun. But I never used to drink with him. Your dad's quite fun after a couple of beers, is he? Oh, he's brilliant. Well, we've had him on the podcast. His Navy stories are legendary. You must take it after your mum.

What do you mean? Oh, is that right? Give us an email. I've never seen my mum pissed. Have you got a family dinner story? I have from Craig, age 35. Oh, before you do it, I've actually seen my mum pissed at one of our family friend's weddings.

She got so drunk she puked over the back wall in the pub garden. Yes, there we go. Actually, I saw what she came home and she'd had like a bottle of wine. She went, hey, Pete, I'm pissed. She wasn't pissed. She was just a bit giggly. Nice. Brilliant.

Craig, age 35. I have a family dinner story do put your ages in the emails that's important i like it i like that yeah my wife is from fairly well-to-do family and i am from a more earthy background uh that has always made the christmas dinner with both sets of parents fairly interesting none more so than christmas of 2013 which i will never forget my mum had put away over a bottle of wine before we sat down to eat, quite a lot by her standards. Over dinner, she proceeded to explain to the table

how I had been conceived at the now legendary Botham's Ashes. Wow. When challenged by my father-in-law to clarify whether she meant during Botham's Ashes or what she meant during Botham's Ashes, she said, no, at Botham's Ashes, at Lord's Cricket Ground. Huh. So the actual event... 1981, yeah.

So I excused myself from the table to do a little frantic Googling to find that Lord's Test of Botham's Ashes was indeed in play nine months to the day before I was born. So they clearly had sex at the Ashes. I don't really want to start a trope about this. Well, that's what he's saying, basically. I thought it was, like, during Botham's Ashes. both no it was actually during both ashes at lodge cricket ground when i returned the table my mum was stood on the chair doing the gangnam style dance looked at me winked and said

see that's why you're good at cricket craig doesn't even say whether he is good at cricket or not yeah i mean you got to do something to uh you know avoid the boredom of cricket but um i'll be honest i've never really enjoyed christmas dinner since thank you for that uh craig there was nothing boring about that test much by the way no exactly well there's a brilliant video online um you know ian botham and the word online does not go together no well when he when he um tweeted that picture of his wedding he said he was hacked at the risk of betraying a confidence i've got some intel on that particular incident. Okay, right.

So I know the guy who used to be Botham's agent. Yeah. Good guy. I won't name him. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's probably... He's probably figured that out. It was a while ago now.

Okay, right. It's probably in a few. And when that came out, obviously he was... This guy I know was trying to do some sort of PR management of the situation. And he called Beefy, and he said,

oh, no, actually, it's not me. Because his face isn't in the picture. No, his face is in the picture. Oh, it is? And he's taken it from the worst position. His grey-pewed penis below the penis, looking up,

and his face kind of lurking down. I think his face is partly scored by the penis because he's lying down. I will show you it. I'm fine with that. That doesn't matter anyway because the point I was going to make was that... He basically said that he'd been down. I will show you it. I'm fine with that. That doesn't matter anyway because the point I was going to make was that...

He basically said that he'd been hacked. Yeah, but the point of the story is my mate who was representing him at the time realised, oh, well, actually, that's fine then because if he's been hacked, the PR company who look after him, his agents, got his Twitter password. So we just...

We just find out who did it. Logged in, same password. Hasn't been hacked, has it? Oh, there it is. Actually, no. So you can't see his face. But it's a terrible point of view. The worst thing is the little quote,

what are you thinking? What are you thinking, Kiss Kiss? I'm thinking you've got a fucking naked mole rat on your pants. I'm thinking, why has he shaved his pubes? Why is he... He's in his 50s, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ.

But anyway, there's a great video of Ian Botham doing a really ill advice. It only could have happened in the 80s. He's doing like a question and answer session

in front of a live audience of Scottish students and it has to be seen to be believed. He's the most patronising, condescending, sexist man you've ever seen.

He puts in a disgusting performance. Have you seen it? Yeah, I've seen it. And basically, I think it was just after he'd said something about the fact that he travels so much and he's never changed a nappy.

So basically, and they do focus on the female students mainly. They're all just asking the same question, pretty much sort of going, why did you say that about not changing nappies? Well, if the missus wants to bag them up and send them over, I'll put them in the bin, I'll not choosing nappies? Well, if the missus wants to bag them up and send them over, I'll put them in the bin, I'll change the nappies.

But, you know, the simple fact is, love. Yeah, he comes out on love, yeah. It's great. He's so 70s dad. It's really funny. Oh, dear. Right, what about this? One final one on the family dinner conversation.

Do keep them coming in. This is from David in Atlanta. He says, hey, guys. I love Atlanta. Have you been to Atlanta? I'm going next week, mate. Well, go to Atlanta and enjoy yourself, because I love Atlanta. Well, I will.

I'm planning on it. All right, then. Good. I think I'm going this week, actually. Better check my diary. Anyway, hey, guys, says David in Atlanta. David, look, get in touch. We'll hang out.

Actually, we won't. I'll be busy. Terrible idea. Once my father-in-law and I, while out with my mother-in-law and my wife, had polished off a rather large pitcher of beer. Sitting with my arm around my wife and feeling merry, I decided to surreptitiously grope my wife's behind, whose name is Mary, so I guess I was feeling Mary while feeling merry.

Anyway, Dad noticed straight away what I was up to, and with all the subtlety of a 75-year-old Dutchman, which he is, think Louis van Gaal he stared at me and exclaimed so you like a squeeze that's okay I like a squeeze too

sometimes groping your wife in front of the person who gave her life my wife my wife won't let me tell that story anymore to anyone

thanks for letting me tell it here you guys are great and he says I've got a bonus awkward Christmas story to be interested as well he says my parents-in-law immigrated to Canada,

emigrated to Canada from the Netherlands with their respective families shortly after the war. And they first met in Canada. A number of years ago during Christmas, when my mum and dad, my wife and I, her two sisters and their husbands were all sitting around the dinner table, we started asking around the table

what everyone's middle names were and if they knew the stories behind them. Obviously, for my wife and her sisters, Mum and Dad were providing whatever details there were to be had. When it came round to the oldest sister, Dad shrugged his shoulders, stating that he'd left it up to Mum to pick a middle name. Mum then admitted for the first time in history

that she'd chosen the name of her old flame she'd left behind in the Netherlands over 50 years ago. It was awkward. Oh, I like that. They sound like a fun family. I'd definitely go around for dinner with theirs. Keep them coming in. Yeah.

But you should probably contribute a few of your own because you know that you've got some great stuff. Yeah. What, of like awkward family dinners? Yeah, you must have done. Well, we have such a small family, you see. It's quite weird. How many did you have at Christmas dinner then?

Three. What about your sister? Yeah, me, my sister, my mum and my dad. That's four, you idiot. Not including me. Well, what would you include? I'm usually stamping around going, why are these potatoes not cooked, man?

Yeah. Rubbish. Why were these potatoes cooked ages ago? At Thanksgiving over in the US, which I go for every year, last year, 38 people. That's too many. It's loads. How are you going to satisfy all them?

You've got to remember names. That's what I want to know. Anyway, yeah, keep them coming in. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. Make sure everyone knows your name by using the C word, Luke. No, I will not be doing that. Let there be justice for all. Let there be peace for all.

It's one small step for man. You don't understand. Willie was a salesman. Say simply, very simply, with hope. Good morning. All right, you greedy cunts. It's time for Men Carter, where two men put some things into an online encyclopedia.

Can you cut the end of that jingle off when you say something? No. Okay. If you can figure out how to do it with the system, I'm happy to listen to... You know I can't. Men Carter is your thing, I think. It's becoming more and more your thing. I really like listening to it.

You really like listening to it? You just like me reading? Oh, hang on. Wait a second. If I drag this over here, maybe I can make an adjustment. Okay. Nope. It didn't work.

Okay. Never mind. Never mind. I thought I had the solution there, but I clearly didn't. It's your own time of the lesson. It's your own time of the lesson. Oz Powell. Hello to Oz Powell.

That's not a real name. Well, it's Oz, and I do believe he is in Australia, would you believe? The Tamham Shud case. He wants us to talk about the Tamham Shud case. Worth a Google. I spent a good half an hour on this one, and it's a doozy. There's so much to this

case, I don't have time to explain it all, but it's considered to be one of Australia's most profound mysteries. The Tamham Shud case revolves around an unidentified man found dead in December 1948 on Summerton Beach in Adelaide, Australia. Aside from the fact that the man could never be identified, the mystery deepened after a tiny piece of paper with the words Tamham Shud was found in a hidden pocket

sewn within the dead man's trousers. It's also referred to as Tamman Shud. It's a mispronunciation of tamanshud, effectively. The phrase translates as ended or finished and is a phrase used on the last page of a collection of poems called the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Adding to the mystery, a copy of Khayyam's collection was later found that contained a scribbled code, basically, some kind of weird kind of like, not hieroglyphics, but, like, just letters, random letters, believed to have been left by the dead man himself.

Due to the contents of the Kayan poem, many have come to believe that the message may represent a suicide note of sorts, but it remains uncracked, as does the case. So much to this. How he died, they couldn't really detect the poison, what he'd used, how he was just left next to a seawall, a cigarette

on his shoulder. It was so many weird things. All of the names were cut out of his trousers and shirts, and there were no identifying kind of marks on him or anything like that. The only thing, he has a very unique ear pattern, basically, that's shared by only like 2% of the Caucasian population. He was a Caucasian man. But they just can't figure out where this guy came from.

I don't know if this is that mysterious at all. Really? Well, it sounds like a spy, but... Well, I mean, look, what do we know? The facts, right? He liked to remove the labels from his clothes. I mean, that's... A lot of people find them uncomfortable.

It's not unusual. I mean, for example, Nike running stuff, you buy a piece of Nike running shorts or top or whatever, they put the labels in there for them to be removed because they're uncomfortable. So I imagine people do do that. Even in 94 yet? I'm not saying he's wearing Nike running

stuff. I'm just saying some people do find labels can dig in and all that sort of stuff. Also, I mean, he's reading a book of Persian poetry. I mean, it's odd, but it's not that ridiculous. I mean, he may have travelled there or read about it, you know, and if he was removing clothing labels, he might have sewn that letter into him. How did he die? He was completely

healthy. Committed suicide. Yeah, but they couldn't find any toxins in his body. But I mean, you don't know how long he was there for. He was there during the... People spotted him earlier on in the day. I've got all the facts in my brain. Okay, right. People spotted him earlier in the day. People spotted him in a pub a few days earlier, I think,

and he was carrying a man on his shoulders, or he was either the man being carried on his shoulders, all jovial-like. And basically they found a woman, basically in his belongings there was a phone number of a woman who denied all knowledge. But this woman's daughter said that she could speak Russian but couldn't or wouldn't tell her how she learned Russian.

So it sounds very much like a spy, but fascinating story. So give it a Google. Tamham Shud case. Thank you to Oz Powers for that nomination. Definitely going in. Let's crack the case. Let's get back on it, mate. Listen, if we've got however many thousand listeners we've got,

let's put the hive mind on it. Yeah. Everyone take a picture of your ears. Wisdom of crowds. Wisdom of crowds. Wisdom of crowds. Yeah. That's cool, that, isn't it? I love that. Fascinating. Have we got time for another one before we go? Of course we have. I know this is your thing, but I'll stick

this one in. This is from Damien Cunningham. Okay. And he says, because you guys are never adverse to bizarre and grisly tales, allow me to regale you with one of a wannabe vampire that struck during World War I. Bella Kiss was a tinsmith an amateur astronomer when he was conscripted by the hungarian army for service during the first world war leaving his property that had several uh fuel drums left on it as war raged uh authorities commandeered the fuel for good of the nation

only to be shocked to find that several of the drums contained corpses um of women completely Wow. This is from Damon. I've read a bit around this in Better Kiss. I think the victims were actually strangled and not um and not not uh drained of blood through puncture wounds i couldn't find any evidence for that but one of the theories for this guy right was that he joined the french foreign legion and there was a man enlisted there around that time that fit his description that used to boast about how good he was with a grot oh wow so maybe it's uh maybe it's something

to do with that but i mean that was a particularly interesting one, quite gruesome. I sort of fell into a bit of a Wikipedia hole with this one. And with the French Foreign Legion, if you're injured while serving in the French Foreign Legion, you are automatically offered French citizenship in what's known as French by spilled blood. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, a bit of a roundabout way to get a French passport, I guess. Could you grok yourself? I mean, you've got to sign up for five years. Yeah. And it is brutal. And it is bloody horrible. Think about that before you do it.

Yeah, it's not like buying a Maltese passport. No. Not like that. You know, I think there's several million more Irish passports in circulation than there are Irish citizens. Is that right? Yeah, because they give them out. They dish them out, mate.

They dish them out. I was trying to figure out whether I could get one, because on one side there's some Irish blood, but it was my gran's mam, which is too far away. Irish blood, English heart, what I'm made of. You make it sound like... Do-do-do, do-do-do, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, We Wonka.

We talked about it last week, yeah. We did talk about it last week. In a world of pure imagination. What a beautiful circle. What a wicked wave. Yeah him last week, yeah. We talked about him last week. In a world of pure imagination. What a beautiful circle. What a wicked wave. Yeah. All right, then. Let's get out of here.

Let's do it. Thank you for joining us this afternoon, this evening, this morning, wherever you are enjoying us, whenever you are devouring us. Stay safe, all right? Stay away from the garots. We love accompanying you on your commute or whenever you're doing your runs or you're washing up or whatever. So, you know, stick with us. We'll stick with you. We'll get better. We'll learn. We'll learn. We'll live you on your commute or whenever you're doing your runs or you're washing up or whatever. So, you know,

stick with us. We'll stick with you. We'll get better. We'll learn. We'll live. Spread your word to your pals. Tell us all about it.

Tell them all about it, I should say. Leave us a review on iTunes. Works for everyone. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com At the end of the day, we're giving this away for free.

We are. That should be acknowledged if nothing else. I'm giving Luke a bit of my time and Luke's giving his time to me. See you later. Bye. Great, if nothing else. I'm giving Luke a bit of my time, and Luke's giving his time to me. See you later. Bye. Gritty cunts.