The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 157: A Morph-less London Marathon

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Greetings all, we're back on this drizzly Monday to offer you half an hour more content to help pass your commute/gym session/run/whatever it is you do while listening to us. In fact, what *do* you do while listening? Let us know.Our resident doctor gets back in touch to answer Pete's medical questions, both Luke and Pete talk about their exploits with fake poo purchased from the joke shop, and then Pete announces he's incurred the wrath of the online alt-right brigade somehow. All in a day's work for Hartlepool's third most famous man (Jeff Stelling, the mayor who dressed up as Hangus the Monkey).To get in touch, it's [e-mail], and we're @lukeandpeteshow on Twitter.***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Hello, I'm Pete. Hello. Hello. It's like when my nan, my mam, my nan, my mam Pete. Hello. Hello. It's like when my nan, my mam, my nan, my mam, my mam. What a long weekend. What a heavy weekend.

Sort of rewinding you on the turnstile. One more time for the remix. Yeah, it's like when my mam goes on the phone. She's like, yo, shut your fucking mouth, you little little. Hello, it's Christine Donaldson here. How are you all? Sometimes you have the volume on your phone up quite high

and I can hear when you're speaking to your mum and you actually do a very good impression of your own mum right okay yes good I'm also Pete that sounds like an insult

my name's also Pete the show is called The Luke and Pete Show but it's weird because there's two of us called Pete so it's just I don't know why we bothered to be honest

it's a curveball isn't it episode 157 Monday the 8th of April oh isn't it isn't it isn't it that isn't it just that it's blooming freezing outside what Oh, isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah. Isn't it that? Isn't it just that? It's blooming freezing outside.

What's going on with the weather? Wow, what's that crazy noise? Did you hear that? Were you messing with your ears? It sounded like one of the Night's Watch on top of the wall blowing the horn

for returning raiders. How to train your dragon. Is it feedback? Oh! I saw How to Train Your Dragon 2 last night. Is that why you're talking about Jon Snow being

How to Train Your Dragon? He night. Is that why you're talking about Jon Snow being How to Train Your Dragon? He should have a non-competitive contract where you can't do other dragon things. He's actually got a proper name. What? Kit Harington. Kit Harington. He's in a good SNL sketch where he plays like a guy in a video game. Basically, like modern video games,

you can't just have a game where you get some guns and you're going to shoot zombies. It's literally just people just bothering you all the time about their little lives. It's just like they're in a den, and he's going to get a gun, and Kit Harington keeps coming over and going, what's with Steve?

Like, I'm just, I'm emotionally just so distant to him at the moment. I want a gun, I want to shoot zombies! But it's beautifully produced. SNL did a sketch about Brexit yesterday, I think, a bit of Theresa May. Cross the pond. Yeah,

How to Train Your Dragon 2 was on the TV at home last night because I made the mistake of asking my wife what film she wanted to watch. I think I endorse that because you would have only chosen some documentary about a man who,

I don't know, does something amazing on a yacht. So why the yacht? On a catamaran. Like some feat of human endurance. Oh, isn't that amazing? Yeah, it's amazing. I actually think Slaying the Cat's a really good film.

So I don't know where you got that from. I think you actually won the palm door at Cannes. Palm door. Oh, my word. Shut the palm door on your way out. Shut the buggy. It's like a palm door here. We had quite different weekends, Pete,

because I know for a fact you were in Toulouse and we'll talk about the Yellow Jacket protest in a minute. Shut the fuck up. It's like a palm dory. We had quite different weekends, Pete, because I know for a fact you're in Toulouse, and we'll talk about the Yellow Jacket protest in a minute. Oh, yeah. I didn't go to Budapest. My weekend was notable for where I didn't go, and that's Budapest. You were supposed to go to Budapest. I was. Oh, okay.

Didn't make it. I was ill. I feel fine now. But yeah, Friday morning through till sort of Saturday early evening, I was in a shit state. Yeah. I mean, that's not, if you were going to somewhere like, I don't know, Brighton or somewhere in France, I guess, Lille,

it would probably be a bit of an easier journey. But I mean, Budapest's a good two and a half hours, isn't it? I don't want to put too fine a point on it, Pete. Listeners will not thank me for it. There was no chance I was even getting to the airport, let alone getting on a plane and going to Eastern Europe. It's not happening.

It's not happening. I wasn't able to make it, so I didn't do an awful lot in the end. Just recovered. Yeah, but it's okay. Are you feeling all right now? I feel much better now. Has it helped your weight loss regime?

This particular illness? Well, not really, because although you do lose a bit, it's not really... It's like water, isn't it? Yeah, it's not really ideal. Put it back on. I'm 17 pounds down and really... It's all water, isn't it? Yeah, it's not really ideal. Put it back on. I'm 17 pounds down and counting.

That is a lot, isn't it? Last time I was on... We're going to start to see the effects soon, aren't we? Talking about it. You're going to look all drawn. I just saw Jack from Happy Hour, and he hadn't seen me for a few weeks.

He was like, bloody hell, you look skinny. That's because you see me all the time. Yeah, I don't see it. I don't see it move. And what he also did is I made the fatal mistake of having a haircut around the same time

people just think it's the haircut it's funny it was that easy would you notice if I say I got like a blue by-roll

and I started colouring in a part of my face every week like starting at the upper right quadrant of my head just like a centre is that when you call

your part of your face quadrants yeah like you're into some sort of James Cameron sci-fi the upper quadrant is definitely 60-40. That's not a forehead, that's a five head.

If I started in the top right corner and just started cuddling in a centimetre every time we met, I don't think you'd notice. It would be that gradual. You'd be like, Pete's blue now. Do something like that. Right.

And I reckon after about six months it will suddenly hit me that I'm co-presenting a show with one of the guys from Avatar. The Blue Man Group. i blew myself luke uh yeah um remember the twits remember roald dahl yeah noted um naughty man making his books about two horrible people and one of the scams that i think the woman did to the man was adding a little bit of wood uh or maybe shaving it down uh to the twits the male tw bit of wood or maybe shaving it down to the twits

the male twits I can't remember his name Mr. Twit his walking stick so he felt like he was shrinking yes he was adding a bit of wood to it

I do remember this and I thought what a scam I used to love Roald Dahl back in the day why did you say he was a noted naughty man he had some views

a product of his time was he he was very much a product of his time he was also a fighter pilot in the Second World War and a spy. He was.

He was the inventor of the man cave, I believe. He wrote all of his books in that little shed down the end of his garden. Yeah, with a blanket over him.

A blanket over him. It was very quaint. He wrote it all in longhand as well. Yeah, amazing. What's the difference between longhand and shorthand? You're just writing the words.

Well, shorthand is a type, I suppose, really. Shorthand is just like shortening words and having a very specific lexicon, isn't it? Yeah, but when I say longhand, I suppose what I mean is he didn't type on a computer, which obviously he wouldn't do, would he? A typewriter, I suppose, is probably what people would use. Well, you'd think he'd use a typewriter.

It's just the way that he very calmly would go down the garden and just sort of settle a flask of tea, maybe a sandwich or something, and he'd just sit there and he'd sharpen about seven different pencils and he'd write in pencil. Something very quaint about that. It's something very quaint. Just don't ask him about his views. How long would you last down the shed at the bottom of the garden

with no internet connection, Pete? Oh, a very short amount of time. Minutes, isn't it? Oh, I mean, I don't have an imagination anymore. I don't know what I'd do. Or an attention span. Or an attention...

What did you say? I think it would only be three or four minutes before you were pulling legs off flies. Yeah. Let's be honest. I would have gone a feral, massively feral.

I'd be like a trap badger. This has kind of been an elongated intro to the show. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com to get in touch. We'll read some emails out a bit later. We the show. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com to get in touch. We'll read some emails out a bit later. We're also on Twitter

at LukeandPeteShow. Are we a hot ticket on Twitter, Pete? I'll let you be the judge of that, but I'll tell you, we've just been followed by the Director of Customer

Services for TalkTalk. Oh, nice! So that's the kind of... The Director. That's the kind of thing you can expect over there. Okay. Director of Customer

Services for TalkTalk. Well, don't tell them that because people, if they're having a bit of beef with customer service on Old Talk Talk, they think, oh, just listen to the local pizza show. That's why they're so bad at their job. We've also added a load of good new battery brands on there. Nice, okay. What's been the most recent decent? We've had, let's have a look.

Rabbit. Rabbit. I mean, that's going in one product and one product only Rabbit superpower that's a turd ducking of rabbits JCB Ultra Alkaline JCB doing it

JCB getting involved and the other one is Western Family Performance Western Family Performance sounds like a bank it's amazing that's that's a smasher

that is I was not going to park that full win full win yeah I'm getting a full win that. Full win. Full win. Yeah. I'm getting a full win.

Oh. I quite like the logo, to be honest. Crazy. So if you're interested in particularly off-the-beaten-track brands of batteries, at Luke and Peter on Twitter, and maybe have a little chinwag with the director of customer services for TalkTalk. That font. I mean, what was it called?

Future win. Full win. Full win. Wow. The font looks like you'd see it on like an like a Afrofuturist book

or something it looks retro but also futuristic as well I'm also reading a book at the moment about Stonewall Jackson and it's by the same author who wrote the

Empire of the Summer Moon book about the Comanche tribe right and it's about Stonewall Jackson just go through all of his collection I do that these days. I think if I really enjoy that book,

I'm going to go and see what else he's done on the subject I'm particularly interested in. And this one about Stonewall Jackson is that he was a Confederate US Civil War general. And quite famous in the US, I think, but I didn't really know anything about him over here because obviously we don't learn about that here. But I won't go into it in great depth,

but it's a fantastic read so far. I mean, it's 600 pages about a civil war general so i mean it is what it is footnotes are plenty so i'm muddying through it but it's fine and there's one bit where he was such a strange character that he had these certain laws that he applied to himself about things he wouldn't would and would never do like meatloaf he had this kind of yeah basically yeah it sounded exactly like i would do anything for love but i won't do that but 200 years before and one of them

so he was really big because he was a Christian God fearing man one of the things he was really big on was like self discipline yeah right

and so it would be one of his and he wrote these rules for his own life out in his diaries and stuff so you can see them in his own handwriting or whatever

and one of the rules he wrote was never never imply that you are more intelligent than anyone else in your company. Just be like polite, that kind of thing.

One of the laws he wrote for himself, which I think is incredible, was never let your back touch the back of a chair. I mean, it's good advice for posture, but... He would always sit bolt upright

and he would never let any part of his back touch the back of the chair. I'd just be distracted all the time thinking about not, you know, like hot lava let any part of his back touch the back of the chair I'd just be distracted all the time thinking about not you know like hot lava I don't want it touching the back

of the chair another one he had was that whatever was happening in whatever situation presumably unless he was in a battle

which would be problematic so at least he would always make his excuses and leave at exactly 9pm whether he was

in the middle of a conversation or not he'd be off at 9 see you later sorry it's going to have to wait until tomorrow what if he was in the middle of sexual congress or not he'd be off at nine see you later sorry he's going to have to wait until tomorrow what if he was in the middle

of sexual congress wouldn't happen he's a military man he's going to be planning it he's going to be planned out I was talking to a married man who has got two kids

careful I was talking to a married man he's got two kids mother he's got two kids and he books it in does he yeah because life gets ahead of you

and like next thing you know you haven't done it for two weeks that must offend you to your very core that kind of planning he books it in. Does he? Okay. Because life gets ahead of you and like, next thing you know, you haven't done it for two weeks. That must offend you to your very core, that kind of planning. Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't make me sexy though, does it? It doesn't make me spontaneous when it comes to sex. I'm just saying that planning that you've got, you've got to squeeze it in, sort of literally,

I guess, at a certain time. That's what people have to do because life gets ahead of you. You're busy, you're tired. You're a man who wouldn't even take a company branded email address or contribute to a certain time. That's what people have to do because life gets heavier. You're busy, you're tired. You're a man who wouldn't even take a company-branded email address

or contribute to a group diary schedule for many years. No. Just, I don't think... And now I have started contributing to it. You think you were right? I think you know I was right. You were right all along.

I'm a problematic individual. That kind of planning is anathema to you. I'm like a gas. You are more of a gas. You're more of a gas. You're more of a concept. Yeah. But I was going to ask you,

have you seen any famous people recently? Because last week I saw someone you had never heard of. Well, then what's the point in telling me then? No, because it just reminded me at the time I forgot to ask you if you've seen anyone because you're normally hobnobbing,

aren't you? You're normally rubbing shoulders. I did see someone quite well famous and that walking down the street. You see them in Soho quite a lot because people are going to places. Doing their thing. Yeah.

Not off the top of my head, though, to be honest. It's funny, because I saw that guy from SAS Who Does Wins, and the day after, I saw another one from the same show. Right. What is the show, SAS? Is it just sort of like lads talking tall tales about the SAS? No. What do you call it?

Careful. The SAS. No, it's about people from everyday life who think they can make their way through and pass the SAS selection. Do many of them do? I reckon nowadays they've probably got more of a chance. A couple of them do.

Because people are obsessed with health and fitness and being proper hard bastards. Between you and I, it looks quite hard. I may have done two tough mudders, so don't worry about it. You've never done a tough mudder. No, but I've sat in mud a few times. Have you ever done any running?

Like, organised running? No, I was entered for the London Marathon, bearing in mind that's a really valuable thing and people want to do it. Pulled out. Had my suit made and everything. Had my ankle pulled out. What do you mean you had a suit made?

It was morph. You were going to do the London Marathon in a morph suit? A woman, a lecturer at the London Colours of Fashion legitimately made me a bespoke, tailored morph costume. That's brilliant. Not like nowadays, you can just buy off the peg morph costumes. This was like 10 years ago when you didn't really see them.

They didn't exist. I looked like... I've seen it. It looked amazing. It looked amazing. But this is a nice insight for the listeners about what it's like to be friends with you because I have heard many, many people say,

I entered the London Marathon. I didn't do it. But I have never once heard anyone else say, I entered the London Marathon, but I didn't do it. I had a suit made and everything. Yeah. You don't have a suit made.

People dress up for the London Marathon, don't they? But speaking of that. I felt bad that, I felt bad that I felt bad that somebody could have taken my place but I just couldn't do it

did you do any training I went to one park run I just running man my lungs just go I got a few questions yeah what's going on here then

and how long was the one park run why are we doing this I've been chased how long was the one park run I couldn't not tell you I couldn't not tell running just if I run 10 seconds or if I run 2 hours it's just horrible was the one park run? I couldn't not tell you. I couldn't not tell you. Running just,

if I run 10 seconds or if I run two hours, it's just horrible. Why did you get to the point where you agreed to have a suit made? Because I'm very suggestible. Yeah. Unless you're doing the suggestion

then I'm out every time. Then all I do is suggest the opposite. What do you want me to do? How close to the race? It's actually coming up soon. Is it right? How close did you get before you pulled out?

Yeah, it was pretty close I was all in we were doing stuff on air about it oh for goodness sake I put my suit on and then I rolled my ankle I was like

I could probably have done it but I was just like you didn't roll your ankle did you no I did I did roll my ankle look I'm always rolling my ankle

you said there you could have probably done it but I could have probably done it you didn't do any training no well I would have started it that's not the same is it

I'm always going off half cocked what's the point of preparation yeah it just makes you think if I'd have done more preparation

I might have been better at this if you do none you're like well you're always going to be the only way up isn't it really

my mate did a London marathon and he's a very normal nice guy very very genial guy and he the training

and everything the right thing it all went pretty well and he and he trained everything the right thing he it went all went pretty well and he got about five six hundred yards away from the finish line yeah and he got such unbearable cramp that he could hardly move so he went went over to the side of the course where the railings are where people are watching right and obviously put his foot up on the bottom one of the railings trying to stretch it out and this lovely sweet old lady came over and said go on you can do it

the finish line's only there and because he was so strung out apparently he just screamed in her face you think I don't fucking know what a fucking finish line is? oh no fuck off like that

oh I don't like that at all probably lost it and he said he felt he eventually did finish but he felt so bad he spent most of his recovery after trying to find this woman to say sorry. Did he find her? No, he couldn't find her.

Because he was too busy. Oh, that makes me genuinely feel sick. It's bad, isn't it? Oh. It's really bad. What must he be thinking? I won't name him. He is called Bill.

Fucking you. Fucking hell. He's completely lost it. Was it like that in-vex twin video? Yeah, sort of, I suppose, yeah. All right, Pete, let's have a little break and then when we come back

we'll do some emails. Our resident doctor's got back in touch. Yes! Exciting. See that chap over there? Get your hand off my penis! Never touch a man's penis,

whether he's had a succulent Chinese meal or not. This is Democracy Manifest. Manifest! Hello at lukeandpeachshow.com for the emails. We is Democracy Manifest. Manifest. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com for the emails. We bloody love hearing from you. Our doctor, who you named,

clearly hasn't lost his job, but he's now signing off his emails, the resident doctor, and clearly going to some pains to not include his name at all in the email. So he's learnt his lesson. Yeah.

When I think of someone just announcing their name as the doctor, I think of that, he's learnt his lesson. Yeah. When I think of someone just announcing themselves as the Doctor, I think of that, the good Doctor, sure. I think it's called The Good Doctor on Netflix, where it's a man slash

quite young looking man, Doctor, who's on the autistic spectrum. Yes, I've seen it, yeah. It's Freddie Highmore, isn't it? His depiction of an autistic person is one not at best. It's cool, it's cool. I don't know how to feel! He's Freddie Highmore, isn't he? Who's Freddie an artistic person is one not at best. It's cool,

it's cool. I don't know how to feel! He's Freddie Highmore, isn't he? Who's Freddie Highmore? He's an actor. I'm sure he has a name and I'm sure he's an actor

and I'm sure he doesn't have autism because they don't fucking do that, I know for a fact. He is in, he's from Camden Town by the way.

Is he? Yeah, he's in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory isn't he? That's hilarious because my mate who put me onto this

with these weird trailers of this very bizarre performance he lives almost in Camden, so I could have walked into him. He's in Finding Neverland. And yeah, he's in The Good Doctor. He plays Dr. Sean Murphy. Well, there you go. Yeah, it doesn't look very good. I've seen the trailer.

Our resident doctor. Hi, guys. Anonymous resident doctor here. Sorry for delaying writing back the wards have been keeping me busy aka i almost lost my job i had a couple of disciplinaries and now i've finally come out the other side that's not true no he says i see pilot gav was running his mouth with the nacho man chat about me and thanks to you both for saying he should be above that because i am not it got me thinking about a new topic of interest for the show like wrestlemania people you went to school with or uni with

who most surprise you with their eventual career. Suffice to say, Pilot Gab falls into that category for various exploits of his at university. He's the only man I've seen drink a three-quarters of a pint of vodka. Listen, anonymous doctor, you should become friends with Pete Donaldson then. Medically wise, Pete has been asking harder questions than my patients do, but here goes

answering a selection from the last few weeks. Apparently these are all questions you've asked. Okay. You don't remember any of them. No.

I ask a lot of questions, get a few answers because people don't want to talk to me. Number one, I'll tell you what this was, a great insight into the kind of stuff

that we talk about on this show. Okay. Can you inject potassium pernanganate under your skin as part of a pot belch? Yeah.

The doc says under the skin it would likely be painful and necrose the skin and not give Pete the purple wobbly he's after. Intravenously, it could potentially lead to Parkinson's disease. Wow. So great. Instantly, like that? Wow. Yeah.

He said he read that in a case report. Number two from Pete steady what was his case report he was injecting potassium permanganate I guess it was a study people who self

I mean I get a bit of that but I mean people who proper go hardcore what is potassium permanganate it's that purple stuff oh yeah number two

can I get HIV or AIDS from a tattooist needle why were you asking that I probably mused that it's probably rare because the half-life of that is quite short. And you'd be terribly unlucky. Theoretically, it's possible.

If they reuse the needles or do not properly sterilise the equipment. A quick literature search found two cases in a prison thought to be due to tattooing, but they couldn't rule out drug use as a compounding issue. Oh, kissing and cuddling. Yeah, you can't get it from that. Much stronger evidence exists for...

Well, no, you couldn't, would you? Much stronger evidence, Peter, if you don't mind. I'm answering your questions here. Much stronger evidence exists for tattooing and hepatitis B, C, and syphilis, as these are much easier to transmit than HIV. It also depends on the viral count of the patient who has HIV. It is important to point out that we can now control HIV

in the long term with antiviral medication. Your life expectancy with type 1 diabetes is poorer has HIV. It's important to point out that we can now control HIV in the long term with antiviral medication. Your life expectancy with type 1 diabetes is poorer than HIV, which is a testament to modern medicine. Oh, that's incredible. What about my syphilis? Why can't they control my syphilis? That's yours and you're alone. And number three, it's now probably

too long an email, but Pete's recent chat about his deep fear of a car failing an MOT and his dietary juxtaposition of out-of-date cuppa soups Oh, I'd be fascinated. That's guaranteed, isn't it? Oh, mate. Yeah. He says, Oh, amazing.

There's going to be so many, because we've not toured for quite a while as the Football Ramble, there's going to be so many characters that we've met along the way in a virtual sense. I got a legitimate request the other day from one of our listeners saying, can you please do a Luke and Pete show as a warm-up to the Ramble live show? And I responded saying, please just ask Pete, because I'm not corralling him to do something he doesn't want to do. But we've got too much to do anyway. I think that would be off the table just for

everyone else's sake for budgetary reasons budgetary reasons dietary reasons my rider would just be twice as big Pete doesn't really prepare emails for this show

what's he going to do live on the stage exactly I'll have a pop bell just go flying you've got an email there I have yeah Hannah Lilly

hello Hannah she didn't put a second name in the email so I am probably in trouble. I'm all right, I reckon. A man in Argentina was so delighted at... It's a bit of a football one,

but we have crossed paths every now and again. Was so delighted at Racing Club's title win and wished that his dearly departed grandad was there to be part of the celebrations. Determined to share the party in Buenos Aires with his garden, with his grandad, he exhumed his grandad's skull and brought him along to the street parade.

Imagine the process of that. Imagine. The thing is, you chuck that away, right? And that's a good story and good on Hannah for sending it in. It's textbook Luke and Pete show.

Take a moment, everyone listening, and you, Pete, to think about the process of exhuming a dead relative's skull. Well, it's been... What do you do with it? Do you clean it?

Well, to make it more so it's not a zombie head. So it doesn't look, I don't know, a bit like you've just taken it out of the ground? Yeah, I wonder when he died. I'm just checking out the news story. I mean, there's a picture and it's very... Yeah, he died three days before that. Well, he's had a wire brush to it

because there's no skin on there. So it's just a... There's no skin on his head. Yeah, it's just a skull. It just looks like an old, dirty skull. It's not great is it alas poor yorick it's an old day um somebody did that i think i told that um doctor who he did um he did the last poor yorick speech with actual um fan of the theater's head like skull yeah quite a nice little thing to do i think thanks for that hannah um Hannah what about this Pete you know we talked a while ago

this is quite weird about a month or two ago I said that when I was growing up me and my pals we used to go to this joke shop in Portsmouth yes it's just announced

it's closing down what in 2019 what guess how long it's been there for 40 years 96 years

it's been there Jesus the jokes could it not have reached 100 difficult issues facing retail mean it's decided to close the jocks could it not have reached 100 difficult issues facing retail mean it's decided to close Mike Ashley will pick it up

surely won't he it's really sad it's amazing when was the last time you were in there I was about to say I'm a contributor but the thing is

what are the youth today doing because I went through knife fights true that's the problem maybe they just sell knives give them some

sneezing powder some itching powder from the age of 16 and 21 you couldn't get me out of that shop so what are the 16, 17, 18 year olds

doing now why aren't they going there what's your favourite object that you can buy in a joke shop I loved a fake poo do you know what

once I bought a fake poo from You Need Us and I took it in so I worked at a Saturday job in a different shopping centre in Farram,

not in Portsmouth, but I got this fake poo and it was a sticky one. So it was like, it was made of that really sticky, you know that kind of stuff you get in like a pot? Yeah. It sticks to you. It sticks everywhere. Oh, so it's like a jelly. Yeah, kind of like that.

Yeah, yeah. But it was a fake poo. Yeah. And what I was going to do, because I was hilarious, and this is a great insight to what I was going to do, because I was hilarious, and this is a great insight to what I was like, I enlisted the help of my mate Mark, who you've met, actually, and he was working Saturdays there as well, outside this sports shop,

and we thought, what we'll do, is on our lunch break, right, we'll go out, get our lunch, from the way back, we'll drop the fake poo

outside the shop entrance in the shopping centre. So one of our managers, who we didn't like very much, had to clean it. Yeah. We didn't find out it was a fake poo. It was the 90s, okay? managers who we didn't like very much had to clean it we didn't find out it was a fake poo it was the 90s

okay we didn't have any internet it was just making fun good honest jippery unfortunately

either me or my mate Mark dropped it or we wanted to drop it because we were trying to drop it all casual like

and it stuck to a man's shoe and he just carried on walking with it stuck to the bottom of his shoe oh he's made

off with your jokes yeah and I was like I'm really going to ask for it back. Probably not. Can I have my poo back? And that was the second most embarrassing incident that happened at the Fairham Shrubber Centre. The first one being that I was walking along on my lunch break again, and

a three or four year old kid ran full pelt into my knee as I was walking, and I almost lifted the kid off their feet by planting one knee in their face. Because I was walking and he just ran straight into me. Yeah, well, there's no...

That's the kid's problem. That's the parents. Blame the parents. They weren't too slow to blame me, though. Right. As you can probably imagine. I used to have a plastic fake poo. I don't know if it was plastic or...

It wasn't ceramic, was it? It was like a hard rubber, very vulcanised. Did you ever unidust in Hartlepool? No, we didn't have a joke shop, really. I think I picked it up in Filey or Scarborough. Talk to me about soap sweets. Soap sweets, yeah, nice.

Yeah, that's good. Hot sweets, that's soap with the little black charcoal in the bottom, so it gets your hands all black. Yeah, nice. Handshake buzzer. Handshake buzzer. Snapping chewing gum. Whoopie cushion

You take out One final One final stick of gum And it smacks you On the hand But the thing is Those they looked Really fake didn't they

Yeah they looked Well just If you're gonna Just write Wrigley Wrigley tongue up Because they couldn't Get the rights to do Like extra

Yeah so boglies It's called like Tasty gum I've never seen that Sold anywhere before I know play the field make your own gum

and then stick it in there and I had a fake poo and I used to and if you know me if you leave a pen near me I'll start chewing on it I'm like a child

I chew on everything that comes into contact with and I remember I was I would chew this poo I'm not chewing that put it away I had a fake poo and I used not chewing that. Put it away.

I had a fake poo, and that used to sit next to my Commodore Amiga 12000. Thank you. What game would you be playing? Probably Sleepwalker, the comic relief tie-in. Classic Sleepwalker. I'd be chewing, and I'd start chewing on this poo. At the top, because it had a little whip at the top,

you know, when the dog finishes off and clips it. I was like, I should chew on that. And I remember my mum coming in to the room and going, what are you doing? She thought I was eating actual poo for a second. It's all right, it's a fake poo. That's still quite bad. That's still quite bad.

What are you doing? That, to me, feels like a gateway poo. We've got an email speaking of poo by Josh. Hello, Josh. Hello, chaps. Hello, Josh. Just a quick, the best bit of Fleabag. Oh, last episode.

I've never seen it. Oh, second last episode. Oh, I saw one episode on a plane once. It's very good. Second last episode of the season. Two characters called, I think, Claire, a Swedish man, a British woman. And because she speaks to the camera quite a lot, she goes, goodbye, Claire. Goodbye, Claire. And she just went to the camera.

Fuck me, that was a good gag love that show anyway Josh just a quick thing on the subject of glittery poos more poos we've talked about

glittery poos from episode 156 that you guys might be interested in my girlfriend is a zookeeper presumably a keeper as well

and when they want to take faecal samples from a particular monkey what they do is they feed that monkey

edible glitter which comes out in their poop so they know whose poop it is. Oh, which monkey? That's a really good idea. That's brilliant, that, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you for that, Josh. That's a lovely bit of information. Good insight. And if I know my brain, that fact will stick around for quite a while. Yeah, you'll be telling that one on stage in November. We'll finish off with this one from Max, who says, Alright lads, you guys have covered a lot of subjects relating to childhood, so I thought I'd offer something very strange from my girlfriend's childhood. We've been together for around four years now,

but back in the early days, she told me about her childhood imaginary friends called Gagor and Gior. Wow. Not only strange names, but these two rascals were giant human-sized peas. What? Giant human-sized peas. Like the Poddington peas? Yeah.

Right. I found this both fascinating and alarming And upon pressing for further information Discovered that they were complete with arms, legs And a baseball cap slash tuft of blonde hair respectively From her description They sound a bit like the cartoon characters On the front of the Moen packages

Oh yeah I know those guys Anyway She doesn't understand what's wrong with this Well there's nothing wrong with that really But everyone I discuss it with seems as shocked as me It got me thinking what other bizarre imaginary friends

have people had keep up the good work max PS if you want any other weird childhood stories my girlfriend is your girl by all accounts she was very odd

and when she was five she got her lips stuck in a door imagine that how would you do that kids are daft aren't they imaginary friend

you must have had one what put a no imaginary friend. No. No, I don't really understand people who have them. They're interesting. My friend and his twin sister had an amazing thing going on

called Animal World. Where they had this game where they would... And it was mad. And you weren't allowed to be a part of it because you weren't the twins. Part of the brood. Yeah. And they would do the voices and the actions

of about 40 different animals each, all with names, jobs, roles, everything. It was amazing. It was really good. I kind of want to paint them. Yeah, it was great. I really wanted to be a part of it, but I wasn't allowed.

But anyway, if you've got an imaginary friend, get in touch. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. In fact, get your imaginary friends an email in. That'd be brilliant. And set up an email address just for them. Our imaginary email address is hello at lukeandpetecher.com as well. So that's easy.

Sorry, I must admit, looking at our email box, sorry I mentioned Jordan Peterson last week. Oh, right. I had a load of abuse about that. I think you deserve abuse most of the time. If you are a man who is constantly talking about the social hierarchy as a natural construct, and that's all you talk about, you're a bit of a fascist so there we go

it doesn't matter how many fancy words you know he's talking to you Ian talking to you Jordan Peterson Ian says Luke no issue with you you seem sound

there we go that was the bit of the email that kind of jumped out at you I literally just found it oh well you know just be careful about who you

listen to that's about it for me. I'm waiting for you to end the show, mate. Oh, yeah, I need to press the buttons tonight. I'm sort of looking at the middle distance there. I like that it's becoming more and more of your sort of like soapbox. Drowning you out there. I'll fight over it.

I don't mind. It's a Pete Donaldson soapbox. It's fine. Hello at LukeandPete.com. Get in touch. We'll be back on Thursday. It's been lovely to speak to you. Episode 158 coming next.

Can you believe it? I bloody can't. I'm the hero you need, not the one you want. thursday it's been lovely to speak to you uh episode 158 coming next can you believe it i bloody can't i'm the hero you need not the one you want i'm chewing on a poo this was a radius to carl production i'm saying you've got the fucking mouse you idiot no press the other one first why do you put unlock put on lockdown it does automatically what