The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 158: Locked out by your Dad

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

They said it wasn't possible, but our 158th instalment of this vanity project has landed, and GOODNESS ME it's a doozy! There's bees in a woman's eye, the first ever photo of a black hole, Julian Assange vacating the Ecuadorian embassy, and a bit closer to home, Pete has been locked out of his flat by his own Dad. Elsewhere a teacher gets in touch about a dog in his classroom, we cover Take That and their alleged crimes, and a man from Norway gets in touch with a few complaints. Fair enough.To come at us, it's [e-mail], and we're @lukeandpeteshow on Twitter.***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

bees live in women's eyes black holes are being photographed it's a heady time to live in the world today and we've got a halloween extension for brexit as well how could i forget why are they bringing halloween into this i like hallow. How could I forget that? Why are they bringing Halloween into this? I like Halloween. How could I forget the third story that makes up the Holy Trinity of today's news? Brexit extended to Halloween. A lot of people having a go at that black hole picture saying it's not very good. What are you expecting?

Get a life. The first comment I saw was that was taken on Android. The second one was, I'd fuck it. I love it. There's no pleasing people, some people, because I think that original composite image or whatever,

the data for it was compiled in like 2017 and it took two years to bring it to fruition. By the way, it's 50 million light years away. First complaint, it's a bit blurry, isn't it?

A bit blurry, isn't it? What are you expecting? What, fucking HDR, high def graphics? Yeah, what are you expecting? It's the Luke and Pete high def graphics? Yeah, what are you expecting? It's the Luke and Pete show,

episode 158. I'm Luke Moore. That's man to my left. Although, interestingly, on Monday he was to my right, but he's to my left today, wearing a cardigan, got a sore neck.

It's Pete Diggory Donaldson. Hi there. I hurt my neck in the gym and then I slept on a sofa. Did you even lift? No, not today, Don. Why did you sleep on a sofa? Because I slept on a sofa at work for

four hours. This is depressing. Is this the start of a depressing tale? No. Well, my dad is staying in my house and he and I realised my spare keys didn't have the outside key on it so I could get in. I couldn't get as far as my own front door. So I could get

into my front door, I just don't have the outside key, which is problematic. And my dad, when he goes to bed, turns his phone off, which is excruciatingly annoying. And also, he's incredibly deaf. So when I was ringing the doorbell to be let in, he couldn't hear me.

So I sat to sleep at work for four hours until he woke up at his ripe old time of 4am. I'm sorry, mate. This is depressing, I'm afraid. I've lost for words here. How is the planning so important that this is even possible? Because I've got some spare keys at work, but I was in this situation about five months ago

where I forgot that my outside key isn't on that key ring because I lost that key. And it can't be copied because it's one of those special ones right you gotta go to your landlord for so is your dad to blame for this was he was he apologetic half and half was he was he apologetic this morning no he just laughed at me he said uh you're up late I've been I slept on a sofa you prick so did he he insists on sleeping on the sofa to martyr himself oh all right okay um how are relations between Stewie and PT generally fine we're off for a So did he. He insisted on sleeping on the sofa to martyr himself. Oh, right, okay. How are relations between Stewie and PT generally? Fine, we're off for a steak tonight.

Nice. A succulent steak dinner. And you're off to see Rich Hall with him tomorrow? No, no, no. My dad's seeing Rich Hall tonight. Oh, okay. He's on at like 9.30. So you're going for dinner first,

but you're not accompanying him to Rich Hall? No, I've got to go to work, but he loves Rich Hall. I can't figure... I couldn't tell you what Rich Hall does. Like I've seen him do stand up but it's a little bit political maybe a little bit Hicksian but he sings country songs doesn't he

Yeah a bit of that I think. He does a lot of panel shows which he certainly used to Yeah he does My dad can't get enough of him. He's crazy Speaking of sleeping at work I remember when I worked at one of my old jobs and there was a guy I worked with called Callum

who I guess had a similar situation or he stayed out too late couldn't get home or whatever and he ended up sleeping on one of the sofas at work because obviously the past meant he could get into work

and when I turned up at work in the morning I think I was there quite early for some reason he was asleep on one of the sofas in like a breakout area but he had a a company branded scarf

tied around his face. I used a scarf to do it last night. Yeah, because every time you moved the lights come on. Yeah. And so otherwise he wouldn't be able to sleep. So as a make sure sort of eye mask he had this scarf.

So what it looked like had happened because he was like in the fetal position it basically just looked like he'd been kidnapped and dropped off at his own place of work. So yeah, that can happen. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping when I used to work for XFM,

now Radio X, I believe, in the drum room. Now, if you know studios, they're pretty well insulated sound-wise, so they're the perfect sleeping place. And I used to sleep in, I didn't have a sleeping bag, but have you noticed

those really crinkly, grey post bags you have in offices? Yes. Don't tell me you've got one of those. I've got one of those, like a little sack. Like you're going to be a sack race. Like I'm going to be birthed into a beautiful Peter Butterfly.

At that age, you should have been participating in the sack race at one of your children's sports days. But as your life didn't work out that way, you're sleeping inside the sack at work. We walk... Why didn't you go home? I can't remember. I think it was just too late.

I was on the breakfast show, wasn't I? So you only get a few hours. But I hilariously we hilariously walk up remember Squidgy Rich who I used to live with yes I do he filmed a couple of the

early Football Rumble videos by virtue of the fact he was my housemate yeah and he was also sleeping on the sofa at one point and we

as an amazing breakfast show skit decided to wake him up on on on the radio his first word was cunt. That's always going to be a

potential backfiring of that particular prank. Fuck off you cunt. Really. Pete, let's talk about small intersex living inside women's eyes. Yeah, I had a little favourite on that story, so I'm thinking that needs to be discussed. Is this the start of a trend?

Because in Taiwan, you've been there, a young Taiwanese woman. It was a graveyard, wasn't it? A Fu Yin University Hospital in Taiwan described the incident as a world first. I mean, like, they're taking some sort of claim for it.

By the way, I think this is a world first. You're not walking on the moon. It's in cancer, mate. You found some insects in some eyes. Or in AI. Yeah. In a tear duct, apparently.

Four of them. I mean, how small could they be? They must be absolutely tiny. But just having that kind of irritation and then something living coming out. Oh, the satisfaction. I've seen a leech being removed from a guy's nose before. That's just...

He just had a nosebleed for a couple of days. He was like, I better get this checked out. Yeah. But if I'm thinking, that leech is wasteful. You shouldn't really... Surely, if you never have a nosebleed, you might have a leech I'm thinking, that leech is wasteful. Yeah. You shouldn't really, surely, if you never have a nosebleed, you might have a leech up there

because that leech is going to town. Yeah, true. Having a lovely old time. Probably the best place for the leech. Maybe they should prescribe them for nosebleeds. I mean, I mean,

presumably, I mean, the bees have to be tiny in this, right? Yeah. I've read another thing saying that like, they're not actually that small. Well, for the picture seems like they're not that, they're not that small. They're little ants in this, right? Yeah. I've read another thing saying that they're not actually that small.

Well, for the picture, it seems like they're not that small. They're little ants, don't they? Yeah, I think maybe they grew. They don't live very long, do they? This is a perfect, in the Venn diagram, dictionary definition of Luke and Pete's show story. Oh, it's bodily, it's disgusting. Yeah.

It involves crying women. Yeah, yeah. And horrible little louses in your women. Yeah, yeah. And horrible little louses in your eye. Oh, dear. I remember waking up this morning feeling a bit confused saying, what four bees have been found inside a black hole on Halloween? I think, yeah, waking up to that, I mean, that is a confusing story, isn't it?

Yeah. We had a story on here where a guy, you had some things living in his head, and he had to put Vaseline on it. Do you remember? Oh, yeah yeah to make the to starve them of oxygen essentially

yeah so it can happen she could have just crunched them if she just rubbed her eye hard enough she would have just crunched them

apparently Pete if she had rubbed her eye she would have literally lost her sight oh yeah that's why you're not a doctor give it a little rub just do it now

give it a little rub yeah really a horrific story and of course Julian Assange has been excavated from the Ecuadorian embassy. Arrested in a very similar fashion

to a succulent Chinese meal. Yeah. A lot of people making that connection, but it's enjoyable. Being carried out. It's lovely to... I can't remember which one it is. I think it's this one.

She's going to report me for... Not that one. Gentlemen, this is... Democracy Manifest. I saw another tweet which I enjoyed of someone asking

does anyone know what season the football manager he was on? You said he must have been off camera, off microphone. You said that he,

the amount of an organism that must have been taken place in there. True, but he was Pamela Anderson's girlfriend. Was he though? He was, yeah, massively. She went in there to see him once.

That was it. No, they were knocking Ecuadorian boots. That brings into a whole new perspective the visit of Nigel Farage, who I believe also went to see him. A booty call. Yeah. Well, I just think there's absolutely no way a man of that age who literally cannot leave the house

is not embarking on giving himself a little treat from time to time. That's what I'm saying. I'd love to know the arrangements. Pam Landerson pop round, as I said. Yeah, but I'd love to know the arrangements. I mean, that's a fuck you to anyone who's like single and celibate, you know, looking. Yeah, true.

Sort of going, he's got Pamela Anderson and he never leaves the house is there not an interest from your end Pete because there certainly is on mine about the arrangement he had in the embassy

could he go to the fridge help himself to a cup of tea he had a little he had a little corner little room didn't he yeah apparently smashed up a few times

because of frustration oh really I mean you would be frustrated really wouldn't you but I suppose what's going to happen to him now then Pete well he's apparently smashed it up a few times because of frustration I mean you would be frustrated really wouldn't you but I suppose what's going to happen

to him now then Pete well he's I don't know I don't know if he'll get extradited but he'll probably get won't he go back to Sweden because he didn't face

the charges the rape charges did he right so he'll be extradited will he I presume he'll go north rather than west because the American

definitely won't have a chat because he's been like WikiLeaks has been leaking every Russian every Russian piece of information they been like WikiLeaks has been leaking every Russian every Russian piece

of information they've used WikiLeaks as a as a vessel for everything to get out the clues in the name isn't it yeah

all of the DNC stuff I think came to them didn't it yeah apparently so I'm not being kept I'm not really kept up with the story

to be honest I've got to the age now where if something gets too difficult to understand I just suck it up I was like the Israeli like I was looking at the Israeli election I was like, the Israeli, like, I was

looking at the Israeli election, I was like, Netanyahu is like, he's aligning himself with he's got more and more right wing and the idea of any Palestinian rights isn't even on the table for any of the people who are going for the Israeli premiership. And I'm like, why am I getting

involved? I don't even know what's happening in my own parliament. You're doing alright to be fair. Why do I even care? I don't even know what's happening in my own parliament. You're doing alright, to be fair. Why do I even care? I care because I care about human rights, Luke. Thank you. You care about your own human rights more than anyone else's. Well, I slept on a sofa, mate. Exactly, true.

I'm a mess. Yeah, you deserve better. You deserve better. What about this black hole, Pete? Have you got anything to say about that? I mean, it's 500... Is it sexier than Pamela Anderson? Listen to this.

It's 500 million trillion kilometres away you know my opinion about space stuff it's too unfathomable it's too

indistinct I can't the numbers get so big I can't I have no skill for this one of science's

biggest problems it's got terrible PR right so they never it's the same with evolution the teaching against evolution

particularly in some of the US educational establishments in the south of the US but also around the world is hugely

detrimental to our understanding of the world around us right for obvious reasons the reason that part of the reason is obviously to do with religion

and in fact a large part of it is to do with religion but also because the numbers are so staggeringly big because people say well hang on a minute you know look at the intricacies of a human eye or of a bird's wing or of a heart valve or whatever or a brain and consciousness it's impossible for this to happen so the easy way out for me is to believe that i was created by some creator right what science needs to do is do a better job pr wise of explaining exactly how this is possible by by first of all saying look this took place over you know four and a half billion years okay look at the fossil record look at this look at the different chain look at the stages look at how it works look at the heredity of all this all this other kind of stuff and they don't do

that and it's the same with space so what we find is and some people on the internet are just fucking idiots of course but the first response you get to this amazing development in the first photograph of a first ever picture of a black hole it's people saying well it looks a bit shit it's like you don't fucking understand because well you haven't learned science properly at school and science hasn't done a good enough job of pr in the subject to the general lay audience well people i mean i mean i think anybody who is in that job will be saying well we do fucking pr we tell the truth we uh explain it to the general lay audience. Well, people, I mean, I think anybody who is in that job will be saying, well, we do fucking PR, we tell the truth, we explain it to the nth degree, we explain it in layman's terms,

we explain it in popular science, we explain it in very unpopular science, in very weighty terms. But people are always going to be fucking idiots, aren't they? Yeah. People are always going to believe something that they can't be arsed understanding. When I went to go and see Brian,

well, the problem is part of the culture is to celebrate anti-intellectualism isn't it and that's linked with populism and stuff but when I went to go see Brian Cox at Wembley Arena

he did a brilliant job of explaining to someone because obviously my wife is very scientifically literate so for her it was easy well not easy but easier and for me

I'm a complete layman so when I went to go see Brian Cox not only was it great because he explained this kind of stuff but also the different type

of people in the audience was crazy it'd be like people taking their kids it's like a you know an exciting science lecture there'd be old couples

groups of girls groups of boys it was cool and I feel like there needs to be a bit more of an effort to make people more scientifically literate

but you're right when you start talking about a black hole which is 500 million trillion kilometres away and 40 billion kilometres across, it's kind of a bit like, hmm,

it's very difficult to fathom that and because you can't fathom it, it's difficult to work out why it relates to our understanding of the universe and the world around us.

So I like the idea of you going to a science lecture with a good lady and you being say you're going to watch the Foo Fighters

and you're going to and you are looking out for songs like I don't know I'm trying to think of a big Foo Fighters song what's a big Foo Fighters song Learning to Fly

Monkey Wrench it's one of the early you don't hear Monkey Wrench very often but Learn to Fly is a good example you're looking out for Learn to Fly she's looking out

for the first album she's looking out for For All learn to fly she's looking out for the first album she's looking out for all the cows she's looking out for the b-sides the non-album tracks she's what Brian Cox to go this one's

for the heads she's got just start banging out like a b-sides why do Ridgehead never play pop is dead no yeah so that's probably true

but the other thing is Pete when you see photos of space and exciting things in space there's no context is there so no one's holding like a thumb up or a cow photos of space and exciting things in space. There's no context, is there?

So no one's holding a thumb up or a cow and going, look, this is how big a cow is. This is how big that planet is. It's difficult to understand. I think it's more the power of it. I think that's the thing that excites me about Black Hole is just like the whole, oh, we could tear the roof off something, couldn't we? Just the power and the mystery.

Is your love life a black hole? Yeah, pretty much. Is your love for me a black hole? Yeah. Nothing can escape? Not even gravity? It's endless. Yeah.

All right, let's do a couple of memos, Pete. But first of all, let's have a little breaky. All right, then. I'll press this button then, all right. Oh, Simon Le Bon having a little sing-song there. then alright little kiss is that with me oh Simon Le Bon having a little sing song there

yeah it's nice he chose his his wife Yasmin Le Bon out of a magazine I heard that yeah he just went I want that one

he was at that stage of his life where I mean I guess it was it's quite is it misogynistic that story I don't know

I'd like to meet this one it's not yeah it is massively misogynistic, that story? I don't know. I'd like to meet this one. It's not... Yeah, it is massively misogynistic. Well, I was about to say something and I stopped myself. What I was about to say was he was at a stage in his life and he was so successful and so handsome

and all that kind of stuff that he could choose any woman he wanted. But that's not really how life works or how life should work, is it? No. It gets you in the room. That's all I'm saying. I never had.

He didn't look like that. I mean, he looks like... Yeah, he looks kind of sort of... I'd love to have grown up in the 80s.'s all I'm saying. I've never had. He didn't look like that. I mean, he looks like... Yeah, he looks kind of sort of... I'd love to have grown up in the 80s. He looks like a failed tennis coach wearing a military jacket. Can you imagine what I'd look like in the 80s? How much clout I'd put on?

Because if I had any excuse to make myself look better... You would look literally like an emaciated Boy George. I would look like the Travaga woman that I dressed up as that Halloween that they put me on the front of the house. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd look like a man who's still in a rock band at the age of like 60 but still puts the makeup on. Yeah, but still puts the makeup on. That's the thing, isn't it? When bands go for that long or they reform,

like when Take That reformed, my first instinct was, oh, is Gary Byler finally going to pay his tax bill? Which I believe he's done now. But anyway, but my second thought was, that's all great. Good for them. I'm not one to judge that at all.

I love the fact that Ron Stone is still together. I know people disagree with that, but for me, it's do what makes you happy and all that. And it makes a lot of other people happy as well. So great, good on them. But Take That should not be doing the dance moves they were doing back in the 90s because they're dads now.

Yeah. It looks ridiculous. At least program them some easier moves. Some less energetic moves. Yeah but you sort of you imagine them as like really really

ancient like people but they're probably not that old in the grand scheme of things like who did Hear Mickey? Tony Basil. Yeah.

Who obviously I think she choreographed the she choreographed a lot of talking head stuff didn't she did she I didn't know that the once in a lifetime dance Gary Barlow's almost 50 by the way

yeah still in good nick he can still dance at that age he can't I've seen it she's about to they don't want to she's about to

I think as a boy band you've kind of got to modify yourself a little bit I'm not saying they should just be sat on stalls for two hours, but there needs to be some sort of happy middle ground. Yeah.

We've seen Tony Basil. She's, she's like, she's like, I think 60 odd and she's still dancing. Like she's still an incredible dancer, but obviously that was kind of her trade, I suppose.

Like, did you ever see take that doing a cover of, yeah, it's awful. It's absolutely horrendous. It sounds like the end of the world So that should be You know what

That should be fired into a black hole The thing that gets me about it I'm going to try and stick it on if we get past the adverts Hang on

What gets you about it? What gets me about it The thing that upsets me is They don't put any distortion on his guitar They don't even give him like a fuzz pedal or something. They've planned this, so at least get the sound.

This is, what is this? Early Arena, probably. Earl's Court. Yeah. 1995, at the height of their powers. Is that Jason Orange on guitar, I think, maybe? It's just on lead vocals, I think. It's again?

I think he just said lead vocals. Right, so it's a nice thick kind of like humbucker kind of sound. Yeah, he's got his guitar. He's scared to lose the chord, so he's a nice thick kind of like humbucker kind of sound. Yeah, he's got his guitar. He's scared to lose the chord, so he's doing his bar chord. He won't move it. He's got like a vice-like grip on it. He can't move his hand. It's like me playing the piano.

Put some... Like that's... Yeah, it's bad. It's so clean. It sounds like a... Who's that fella? Is that Howard Donald? yeah it's bad it's so clean it sounds like it was that it was that fella

is that Howard Donald no Mark Owen no it's who's the main guy Barlow Barlow's tearing off his shirt like Wrestlemania

like Hulk Hogan do you know what it sounds exactly like it sounds like you're at a music class and your teacher comes and goes do you want to learn how to play

smells like teen spirit today this is how you play it. It's when you get your... It's when you... It's just incredible. It really is. It's just, it's when you buy

a Fender Squire from Argos and it's 100 quid and you get a little amplifier with it and you haven't got any distortion so it's just like

ding ding ding yeah I completely agree I think people will thank you for bringing that to their attention I think even Take That fans will agree

that's ridiculous let's do some emails then Pete I've got an email here first from James get involved he says hello lads referring back to episode 155

I am a primary school teacher and a few years ago on a bright sunny day I had the outside door of my classroom open. Yeah. What do you think happened, Pete? Well, bearing in mind you talked about a dog loose in your school,

I reckon a dog's going to be involved. What should walk in but an alarmingly large dog? This dog is alarmingly large. My first instinct was just to keep the 30 screaming slash laughing 10-year-olds quiet and calmly shoo the dog out the door. As I gently grabbed the dog's collar, it nipped at me and growled, which at one point I decided to get all the children,

sorry, at which point I decided to get all the children to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, staying away from this incredibly dangerous, rabid dog. I think that might have been an exaggeration there. Yeah, but you don't want to mess around. He's painting the picture like there's been some sort of zombie apocalypse. Was this like recently or a few years ago? It's like

you don't see very many straight dogs, that's the thing. But I don't think it was straight. It's got a collar on it. My teaching assistant and I got all the children out safely and closed both of the doors of the classroom, locking the dog inside. As they were children outside on the playground, we couldn't safely just let it walk out again.

We called the RSPCA to come and get the dog and I taught my class for the rest of the morning in a different classroom. When I got back to my class at lunch, I saw that although the dog had gone, it had obviously had a lovely time climbing on my desk and urinating on the class globe. Wow, that's tricky.

Maybe it was a flat earther. Comment on Brexit. That sounds like a Chumbawumba video. Left on the blackboard in scratch-like chalk. Citizens of nowhere. Anarchy. Oh, that's wonderful. I mean, I'm sure it was pretty odd,

so I'm not trying to trivialise what was probably a traumatic situation, but even so. No, you've got protocol in these matters. Get the dog away from the kids, or vice versa. You tried one side of things and tried sacrifice one kid

to save the rest of the class yes exactly we've got an email from Kayser hello Kayser who Kayser actually because

there's a J in there but she's helpfully written her name in a slightly different way to help me out and I've still muffed it up so apologies I don't think it matters

she knows who she is she does Kayser hi boys we haven't been called boy in a slightly different way to help me out and I've still muffed it up so apologies I don't think it matters she knows who she is she does kiss her hi boys I haven't been called boy in a while hi boys hello boy got me a bit excited

what's wrong with me there was a guy I used to work with Capital Radio really cockney guy I can't remember what his name was now and he used to always go

hello boy hello boy and he was so cockney that he used to do that thing with his lip Royston was it no not Royston before he started talking he used to do that thing with his lip Royston was it no not Royston before he

stopped talking he used to go oh rum oh rum like that oh rum Luke can you stop pissing on the

the cover of Radio Globe and they also real proper cockneys do this thing where they go whereas I would say to you it's not as I'm doing it every day now is it

whereas cockneys will say it's not as I'm doing it every day now is it is it and he used to do that. Now is it? Sorry, carry on. Now is it?

You've only kindly read out two of my emails so far, but I couldn't pass this one up. It's fine, Kesa. I'm sure I muffed your name up the first time too. You're talking about carrots up the arses. Come on. I don't know what that just did. That's a woman you're talking about. Yeah, she's ripped the heart out of this community.

These are people we had trained. Fucking lovely. Shipbuilding. that's a woman you're talking about yeah she's ripped the heart out of this community here's the people we had trained fucking lovely shit building shit building did you ever do that I don't think you've done this on the show

before my dad works in a shit yard or my dad's a wanker and he wanks all day banker hang on

wait a second my dad's a wanker he is a wanker. Locked you out of the house. Locked me out of the fucking house. He's only been up getting, he's had my bath, he's put the towels in the wash. He has, God knows what he's been doing.

And he's only popped out for some WD-40 and bought some caustic soda for the toilet. There's your dad that subscribes to that proper man's agenda, which is if it doesn't move when it should, WD-40, and if it moves when it shouldn't, gaffer tape. Back when I was a wee lass, having just moved to the bad city of London, I was living hand-to-mouth off of waitressing tips

when I came across an ingenious way to make a fast buck. Sorry, Pete, that's like actual financial tips, not just getting tips off waitresses about how to live your life. Okay, fine. I knew a guy who was working

in the porn industry in some ridiculously niche fetish genre, CFNM, if you fancy a Google. I'm familiar with that. It's clothed female

nude men. It's like... Right. It's like the embarrassment of... I think it's a bit... It's not S&M-y, but it's for people... I think it's for bankers like the embarrassment of it's I think it's a bit it's not S&M-y but it's for people

I think it's for bankers who like have too much stress in their day so they want to be they want to be embarrassed like in what's it called

Billions the guy in Billions Paul Giamatti's character kind of yeah I think so it's kind of a similar thing yeah because like

you see pictures of people of course on Twitter where you just have, like, a dominatrix in, like, the middle of Victoria Station with a man with his top off, like, being...

Yeah, being led through Victoria. I've never seen that. But that is, like, extreme embarrassment. Russia, I go through it every day. I've never seen that. Extreme embarrassment. Is it one of those things

that if you haven't seen it, you're that person? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, CFNM. They were scouting for filming locations and one chilly October evening, I sat back in our living room

while a team prepared for a shoot in my bedroom. Sorry, why is she doing this? I wasn't listening. For a quick buck, cheap. She's renting out her house? Renting out her room. Okay, fine. In the kitchen, they were microwaving carrots,

which were to be inserted into the guy's tender behind while he would act out a video sex chat by my desk. I remember standing in my kitchen, staring in fascination as the rounded, smoothed carrot spun round and round in the buzzing light of my microwave. After they finished, they said I could come back into the room. I found them wiping my desk with a disinfectant and I decided to give them some more minutes.

Wow, this is a crazy story. But they left me with six crisp £50 nuts and I was a happy bunny. Mate, that's not a bad little earner, is it? How but they left me with six crisp £50 nuts and I was a happy bunny mate that's not a bad little earner is it how long was it going for six £50 nuts oh 300 bar alright innit

300 boys making money off porn without being in it any day okay that's all cheers guys etc are these emails

going to you directly because I don't remember reading that at all six days ago we could have done it on Monday yeah exciting

interesting it goes on these things happen they walk among us as they say Six days ago. We could have done it on... Thursday or Monday, yeah. Yeah. Exciting. Interesting. It goes on. These things happen. They walk among us, as they say. Joe, who did the Windsor Knot podcast around the time of the royal wedding, he is almost a member of the aristocracy,

as far as I can tell. He's quite upper class. But he knows a few people who own stately homes and own some pretty serious stuff. And he says he knows of few people who own like stately homes and own some pretty serious stuff and a lot of and he says he knows like of several pornos that have been filmed

in these really really posh castles and stuff King's Speech remember the King's Speech that room where they with the microphone and like the

filthy walls and stuff I haven't seen it there's some beautiful shots where they've kind of superimposed the gay porn film that was filmed either before or after in the same room.

Oh, was it really? In the same location with the main actors. That's so funny. It's so good. Give it to Google if you can. What about this, Pete? Angry Man's got in touch.

Angry Man? What? I think it's Scandinavian. It's called Edvard. Oh, I love that name. He says, just finished episode 157 on my walk to work.

So this one's hot off the press. I'm imagining him going Monday's episode. Screaming like this. Ah, Edvard. Edvard Munch. He says, I've got on my walk to work. So this one's hot off the press. I'm imagining him going. Monday's episode. Screaming less. Ah, Edward. Edward Munch. He says, I've got a few issues.

All right. Well, you've come to the right place. Yeah. Because we've got a few ourselves. Have you got bees in your eye? First, Luke, for Pete's sake, don't always interrupt Pete. We never found out what his morph suit

for the London Marathon was like because you cut him off. I couldn't think of anything else for the next few minutes trying to imagine what it would be. I apologise, that's a trope of mine that sometimes can be very annoying.

Pete, please take up the mantle again about your Morph suit for the London Marathon. I would argue that it's... But I don't think Edward knows what Morph is. No, I would argue... Probably makes Scandinavia, come on. That's very transferable, Morph, isn't it?

He might be young, though. Yeah, true. Yeah, we go all around the houses and I really rely on your you getting me out of a non sequitur or two to be frank

it's part of the dynamic Morph suit he's a little he's a little brown plasticine man and he was stop go animation wasn't he

on Tony Hart's Heartbeat yes Tony Hart's Heartbeat was like a children's art show presented by a very softly spoken

national treasure called Tony Hart. Heart beat, beat, beat. It used to go, heart beat, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And Morph was the best thing about it because Tony Hart wasn't all that interesting, but it was very relaxing television. I imagine it's really good post-pub television for older people. But Morph was a stop-motion claymation brown

kid I guess I don't know what he was he was kind of sort of an androgynous yeah and he had a friend he had a friend called Chad I think wasn't it

yeah what was his mate's name I think his name might have been Chad or Chaz and he used to speak in yeah like something like that yeah nonsense him and his

him and his friend used to hang out but I decided to go as morph dress up as morph and so somebody made me a bespoke

morph suit do you want people to see that suit it looks a little problematic in 2019 bear in mind so maybe we'll keep that under a bushel

I think it's fine personally it's clearly morph it's clearly morph and Tony Hart sadly passed away in 2009 at the age of 83

I remember when he died Tony we hardly knew you what year was that 2009 so 10 years ago so oh I'm thinking of Rod Hull

he died in 1997 I think okay Edward I know you get annoyed by this so Rod Hull was a kind of guy

a ventriloquist kind of guy who had this emu character that he used to attack people with and it was Saturday morning television kind of stuff who had this emu character that he used to attack people with and it was Saturday morning television kind of stuff. My friend, my Scottish friend from Aberdeen,

he was flipped upside down by Rod Hull and emu. So if you can imagine, he was upside down in front of a lot, like he was doing a show and he's brought up on stage and he sort of made her do half a cartwheel and Rod Hull grabbed hold of his leg so he's upside down

and he made Emu... This is horrible. It's not horrible. It was just a little joke but in the harsh light of 2019. How old was he? Young enough to do a cartwheel. He went,

Oh, I've got... Oh, Emu has found a worm and then went for his genitalia. Oh dear. But it was funny clothed. I'm sure it was all above board but in 2019, those kind of jokes do not fly if you're a children's entertainer. Like Emu. Oh dear. But it was fully clothed. I'm sure it was all above board. But in 2019, those kind of jokes do not fly if you're a children's entertainer.

Like Emu. Emu does... The flightless bird, famously. Emu does like worms. Yeah. You can't deny it. And if Emu did see a child's penis, he'd probably go for it.

That's all I'm saying. It's entirely in character for a flightless bird who does a lot of grubbing for worms stamping on the ground I look forward to Edward's email next week

his second bugbear is I remember some episodes ago one of you said not my story to tell let's be very clear fair enough

one of you went on a digression and I think you actually apologised for digressing right I just realised your whole podcast is a long series of digressions so no need to apologise.

It's what makes me listen. It's been very demanding, Edvard. Third. It's the third and final bugbear of Edvard's. You should look into

who manages your ads in Norway. He's obviously Norwegian. Episode 157 had ads from a Norwegian podcast about health issues for elderly people and it's partly hosted

by people from a magazine called We're Over 60. I have a feeling there aren't many people over 60 with bad health listening to the Luke and Pete show. Anyway, keep on talking and digressing. Edvard. We've had some emotional listeners, definitely. Can we talk about my dad who's 66 now, I think?

If you're over the average age in this country, whatever that is, or you suspect that you are, get in touch. I want to find out who our oldest listener is. I think we had someone who was about 65, I think. Did we? I'm fairly certain that happened. It might have been, yeah, it might have been that. I hope Edvard

thinks that we've kind of addressed his concerns. If you'd like your concerns addressed, it's really easy to get in touch. It's hello on LukeandPeteShow.com. Listen, if you've got a problem, a fundamental problem with aspects of our character, let us know. It's no problem.

I've got loads of problems with Pete's. Yeah. Alright. I've just been offered a special pre-sale offer on the Luke and Pete Show email. David Sedaris. Who is that? I don't know. I think he might be a journalist. He's an author and humorist. But he's wearing a humorously shirt.

He's wearing a blazer and shirt combo and then some silly trousers. Apparently he writes for the New Yorker. Ah. I've never heard of him. No. Let's go. Yeah, let's go.

All right then. Have you got any information about Morph or Tony Hart? Maybe you met him. Or maybe Rod Hull abused you in some way. Maybe. It wasn't abuse. It was just a stage show, and he went,

oh, I found a worm! Stop, stop, stop. There was no grabbing of the genitalia, it was just like, ha ha, this boy's got a penis. Yeah, but it's just a man's hand, with a kind of unorthodox covering on it. I know it is, Luke!

An unorthodox covering on it. But I just want, it's fine. Hello at LukeandPeach.com, get in touch. It was fine. It's not my story to tell. Settle this debate.

We'll get Craig on next week to tell the story properly. We'll see you on Monday. Have a great weekend. This was a Radio Stakhanov production.