The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 160: Hands off my Tabasco

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

What a lovely day it is outside (if you're living in the London area)! But don't let that stop you downloading and listening to this, the 160th edition of our collective midlife crisis. Perhaps stick it on while you're having a lovely walk around the park.The subjects that feature in this episode include but are not limited to: flies, The Peckham Terminator, The People's Republic of Fuseland (a nation invented by one of our listeners), beards and free alcohol or a lack of it.To tell us about your amazing life, email us: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. I've done my commuting and now I'm muting. It is Pete Donaldson here on the Luke and Pete show. I'm Pete Donaldson. Can I say my name again, Pete Donaldson? And I'm Luke Moore. It's episode 160 on Thursday, the something of March.

18th of April. 160, famously the maximum score you can achieve with three darts on a dartboard. 160. It was the number for dial-a-disc as well, back in the 80s. What's dial-a-disc? It was when you could ring up a number owned by the general post office in the United Kingdom

that would play you the latest chart hits. Wow, that is brilliant. Wow. That's amazing. 300, I want to hear a Haas take on me, please. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, sorry. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Yeah. Do you remember when... Talk to me about polyphonic ringtones. Oh, polyphonics were a game changer, weren't they? After the monophonics. I had California Love. And it basically... It used to be like this.

Yeah. That works as a ringtone because it's actually quite a repetitive noise, isn't it? It does, for a bit. And then it becomes really annoying and you think, that's annoying because I paid £1.49 for that. That's cheap.

There used to be a lot more. Whenever they'd add a new sort of system, like they'd have animated GIFs, little animations, wallpapers, whenever it would get more complex, they would add another quid onto what they were charging you. It's a cabal.

It's a cabal. Just having a little shitty wallpaper that someone's programmed themselves in the front. I've got a feeling that kind of business might have gone out of business overnight. Yeah, they made the crazy frog money and they fucked off. That's it.

Did you ever make your own ringtone on your mobile phone? I kind of think I might have done on my Sony Ericsson. Right. But I can't fully remember. I watched a man today, just literally on the street,

I was just walking up then to get the offers. A man is drinking like a bubble tea and he spits out, you know, those little tapioca balls. Yeah. Onto a plate. It's quite disgusting, actually.

And then he attaches electrodes to a... So you watch this on your phone, not on a man doing it on the street? Yeah, no. Yeah, I was very confused there. It is highbury. It is highbury. These things can happen.

Spitting them out onto a raw on a plate and he attaches electrodes to them, which go into like a little microprocessor, which then goes into a sampler and sequencer. And then he does a little kind of like drum beat by tapping the tapioca. Wow. Tapioca taps.

Does it sound good? Sounds great. How have you got to the taps. Does it sound good? Sounds great. Oh yeah, you got to the point where you even thought of that. Yeah. It's amazing. I do find the whole MIDI interface

fascinating. We're on episode 160 and that little joke I made about 160? That joke I made about the dartboard and the 180 and all that

reminds me of a story involving ex-Liverpool player Jason McAteer. Right, yeah. You heard the story where he's in the middle of his football career and he is famously quite a stupid man. And for those who are listening who don't know much about football or are overseas, look him up, Jason McAteer. He's well known as being quite a...

He had a fight with Michael Owen in recent memory. Did he really? Remember, in the last month he kicked Michael Owen and they had a bit of scuffle oh of course that's right that was in the

Legends anyway so Jason McAteer and a couple of other Liverpool players as the story goes it may well be apocryphal but it's still funny

the story goes that they see Jimmy White of course a legendary snooker player and he's kind of across the room at a distance and Jason McAteer

loves snooker and so he says to a across the room at a distance and jason mcgarty loves snooker and so he says to a couple of his colors yeah look there's jimmy white i can't believe it's jimmy white he's like my hero and uh one of them says why don't you go and talk to me he says no no i'm too scared and he says well why don't you just shout over something to get his attention jason mcgarty goes all right jimmy jimmy 180 jimmy white just looks back a bit confused and they all just fall about laughing. Oh, Jason, that's wonderful.

But that sounds like a sledge. That sounds like someone taking a piss, doesn't it? There's a few. Yeah, exactly. There's a few other ones. The other one very quickly that springs to mind is when apparently he was applying for a credit card and they had to fill this form in

and one of the things said job and it said and he wrote obviously football or whatever and it said position within the company and he put like

left back that's true that is fine I suppose logically that is correct that is fine it is the Luke and Pete show episode 160

on Thursday 18th of April if you want to get in touch with us for any reason about anything at all and we'll catch up with some of your emails later on, of course, it's hello at lukeandpeetshow.com Pete and I read every single one of the messages. It's interesting actually, Pete, I realised

this morning that it's great because certain emails appeal to you and certain emails appeal to me. And I'll maybe get a sentence or two into an email and go, ah, that's a bit boring. And then you'll read it out and I'll go, bloody hell, that was really good. So we've got a little sort of dual threat going on. We're across it.

Yeah, it's good. Did you know there are 17 million flies for every human being on Earth? How many flies? 17 million for every human being on Earth. That's too many. Why are they hiding? I see like one fly a day, maximum. No, you don't.

You see more than that. Nah. They're not buzzing around your windowsill when you're at home. Surely they do. Well, maximum. No, you don't. You see more than that. Nah. They not buzz around your windowsill when you're at home. Sure they do. Well, I do leave out old chicken... Carcasses. Yeah, yeah.

Now... I heard that on Radio 4. There was an interview. It's called... Is that Radio 4 programme called The Life Scientific? Right. Where Jim Al-Khalili gets

a different scientist every time and you have this woman who... I forget her name, which is shameful. It's like Berkham said revisited, isn't it? With for scienceited with for science with for science

and she was this fly expert she said yeah there were 17 million flies for every human being on earth I think statistically

there's probably a very fair chance when you get that big bigger number there's probably a fair statistical chance that that is wildly inaccurate

you could be out by a few billion billion couldn't you and nobody would nobody would say yes or no. They could be talking utter shit quite frankly.

When you try and work out the total flies that is on the calculator on your iMac or whatever it is, it errors you.

Well, can you not make the calculator bigger? Because you've got 119E.17. Make the calculator bigger, maybe the screen

will give you more numbers. I don't even know you could do that. Well, I'm presuming E just means there's not enough room. It doesn't mean like error, it just means...

Let me make it bigger. I think I'll look back on this as an excellent feature. Click green, click that green thing. Oh, right, it's still not working, is it? Alpha. No. Unbelievable. It's giving you loads of functions.

Other options. Do a bit of cosine. Do a bit of trigonometry. Cos. Cos, sine, yeah, all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, there's a lot of flies on Earth. Yeah, I'd quite like to know where they are, but apparently, obviously,

they're very, very important to the ecosystem of the planet. So don't, I mean, yeah, do kill them, but don't kill all of them. How do you kill them? You want the 70 million for each person. If you get yourself down to a good 16 million, that's a pretty good effort. Stab them, stab them.

I like it. It puts in the mind the image of Pigpen from Snoopy. What's that again? Snoopy. Pigpen. He was like Snoopy and Friends.

Charlie Brown. Yeah, I know what that is but I don't know who Pigpen is. Pigpen was like a dirty, he's like a dirty boy, a dirty kid who had flies all around him. Oh yeah, flies all around him.

He always had like shit around him. I didn't know who he was. I think his name was Pigpen. I didn't remember that was his name. Yeah. What else has been going on Pete what have you been doing not a lot I've been doing a lot of

I've front loaded my week so that after today I've got nothing on and what I should have done is sort of spread it out spread out all of my activities yeah

throughout the week instead of just concentrating on just bad time management as usual because for you the devil makes work for idle hands true

I was watching I had half an hour before the Spurs match last night and I was like I've got half an hour free I've not had half an hour free for like four or five days

this is brilliant and I just wasted it Luke doing what just thinking about what I could do with half an hour I was like I went on my Steam thing

I could play half an hour of video game and it's depressing this is what happens when you're in your 30s guys you think you've got all the time in the fucking world you don't when you hit 30 even if you don't

have kids or any imagine if i had kids and a wife wow or husband like this would be a nightmare this would be more of a nightmare why don't you slow down a bit because a lot for me to process there you with kids and a wife or husband yeah yeah okay oh god i think your kids would be really cute yeah do you reckon i think you dress them app God. I think your kids would be really cute. Yeah? Do you reckon? I think you'd dress them appallingly, but I think they'd be really cute. I wouldn't dress them in little suits.

I'd get them... You'd dress them really impractically, impractically, I think. I'd just dress them up in little kind of sleeping bags, like they're lava, just coming out. Your kids would...

When I picture your kid, I picture it with a really dirty face, just wearing welly boots pants and an old t-shirt that's it to be fair that is the north that is what we all look like that is what we all looked like back in the day it's funny when i where i grew up which is as you know as i was a down at heel but it was yeah it wasn't particularly salubrious right and whenever i think of my mates when i was a kid, I think of them either with, I don't know why,

with no trousers on or no t-shirt on. Yeah. Only one or the other. So liberating. Yeah. I think what's more working class?

No trousers or no top? I think it might be no top. I think it's, I think... No top with a tab in your mouth. No. Nothing could be more working class in terms of my upbringing than a kid with a tab in your mouth. No. Nothing could be more working class in terms of my upbringing than a kid with a pair of dirty red welly boots,

a pair of pants, an old T-shirt with food all down it, and then a really messy mouth. Potentially a fag beyond the ear. No. A little scab on her head. Yeah. Yeah. A little circular scab where they've not ran into something

that's not child protected. That was me at the age of about five. Stood at the bottom of my garden by the garden gate picking my nose. Yeah.

Oh yeah boogers. Every adult that walked past the back garden gate. Tutted. Oi mister. Oi mister. Give us our money. Yeah mister.

Give us our money. Like those kids I saw at Guildford train station that time. Have I told that story on this? No what? There was like a guy

who was just standing on the train platform with a beard and there was a lot of kids standing around at Guildford train station that time. Have I told that story on this? No, what? There was like a guy who was just standing on the train platform with a beard. And there's a lot of kids standing around at Guildford. They were like, I mean Guildford is quite nice, but there are some parts of it which are a bit rough.

And this group of kids. The Home of the Air Sports. Is that right? I believe so, yes. They weren't saying that. There was a group of, they're about 12 years old probably. And you know when you see a group of, they're about 12 years old probably. And you know that when you see

a group of five or six lads who are about 12 and it's maybe 10pm, you think you shouldn't be out. They're not up to any good. And anyway, they were standing around giggling to themselves

about 15, 20 paces away from this bloke with a beard. Right. And they were clearly, because I was on the opposite platform, they were clearly trying to work out what to say that would be really funny because they're 12.

160. Yeah. And one of them just shouted out after a while, Oi, beardy, nice beard. They were really happy about that. And then one of them got even more braver and went, Oi, Captain Birdseye, do us a fish finger. And then everyone got on the train.

These are all spectacular. Yeah. So it's kind of a letdown. You have told me that before and I love the glee in which you do the voice.

It's a great moment. Why do I remember that and not remember any of my schooling? There was this lad, my friend

Craig, Scotch Craig, was on a train and he, I think his brother might listen actually. Hello to Craig's brother. What's his name?

I don't know. I can't remember. Maybe I'll edit this bit out because it's rude that I can't remember. What to Craig's brother. What's his name? I don't know. I can't remember. Maybe I'll edit this bit out because it's rude that I can't remember. What's Craig's brother's name? You got Murray? I think you should atone for your sins. Don't cover it up with some post-production network. Take it head on.

What's Craig's brother's name? Why don't I know that? I went to ATP with him once. I'm just typing Craig into Google. That's unhelpful, isn't it? Yeah, it's not going to work. Good God. Anyway, what should I have to rely on my memory

to remember other people's brothers? I don't think so. He seemed like a nice chap. He was a nice chap. He played football with us. It doesn't matter. Craig was on the train and there was a bloke,

everyone started legging it down the station. It was like some South London station, might be in Brixham, might not. But people started running it down the thing back towards the train and Craig was like what the fuck's going on

and he was like there's a guy with a knife there's a guy with a machete what so everyone jumps that's five a few months ago and then so everyone

runs on the train and the driver closes the door and this guy true to form this guy is like waving around a fucking machete

bloody hell like crazy person like yeah and so everyone's going and then he just you know he's got no one to attack so he's going and then he just

you know he's got no one to attack so he's just gone waiting for to be tased by the police

that'll no doubt arrive at some point and so everyone's like just laughing and joking on the train because they've calmed down a little bit

and the door's open again fucking hell I'll be shit in a brick what happened then that is horrendous horror film

yeah that's terrible no one got attacked it was just good so wow he's taking his machete. Yeah, that's terrible. No, no one got attacked. It was just good. Wow. Just taking his machete for a walk. That's the last thing you want to hear. Imagine if you're doing that, oh yeah, bloody hell, this guy.

And then you just hear a beep, beep, beep. Oh no. Fucking hell. It's like the start of a video game. There are no buttons on that train to hit the emergency close the door. You can emergency open the doors or bust out a window

that's the last thing you want they need to mitigate for this for mad people outside at least on bus on bus doors they sort of fall in so you could kind of use them you could push them back

into place I reckon but not in a bloody train do you remember that viral video of that guy who got pissed off because he missed his bus stop

the Peckham Terminator. Yeah. Like he just walks, he goes, and he just plows. He's on a camera, he's all toes like this.

Don't you fucking give me none of that, you fucking slag. Like shouting at all people. Yeah. And then, and then. The door's closed.

He drives, yeah, the door's closed and he wants to get off and he's like, you fucking let me off, driver, you fucking,

and then he just, just marches through this, through this plate glass window, effectively, on the door. I remember being so ambivalent about watching that video because for the first half of it, I'm like, this is unacceptable behaviour. Go on, be a decent person about it, have a bit of consideration. Whoa, that is impressive! To be fair to you, that is very... Walking through two plate glass windows

and walking off is very good oh there was glass everywhere to be fair he's backed up what he set out to do there to be fair and the bloke

in the bloke's film goes peck num toe in it ah that's brilliant before we go to a break and I'll get Charlie to tweet that

that's funny before we go to a break I just wanted to bring this into the mix that apparently there's an Asda we go to a break, I just wanted to bring this into the mix. Apparently there's an ASDA in Wales. Oh, yeah, I saw this. I've seen this. As of yesterday, there's an ASDA in Wales.

I mean, it might still be there, which got a translation wrong. It should have said, because obviously they show the signs in Welsh and in English. And the sign in English, of course, said alcohol-free, which basically meant you can English, of course, is alcohol-free, which basically meant

you can get beers and wine that's alcohol-free for people who don't want to take alcohol or drink alcohol, but they want to drink wine or beer. But the translation

translated to free alcohol, right? So, essentially, people thought that they could get it for free, which, of course, is ambitious

at the best of times. It's a great start to the Easter weekend, that's what I'm saying. So, if they haven't rectified it, I mean, I'll just try and find out exactly which house there is. Cwmbran, is that how you pronounce it?

Cwmbran? I believe so, yes. Get yourself down there. Oi, Wales? More like Ales, guys. Is it Tier 4 or Tier 4, the actual place? More like Ales.

Eh? Ales? Yeah, free Ales. That's what I've got written down here. Ales. Do you remember that translator who had an out-of-office set saying, I'm out of the office,

I'll be back on December 7th or whatever. And the council had sent a translation to be translated in English, an English phrase to be translated for a road sign. And so when they got this thing sent back saying, I'm out of office, they put that on the sign.

This cannot have happened. It definitely happened. What was the sign supposed to say like next turn off fucking Cardiff you know it was like that

we just went back on the 29th of April that's brilliant isn't that good you'd think they'd feed that back into Google just to double check so I'll tell you

what I did once to one of the directors at Capital Radio where we both worked where I was a shit to be fair and I didn't do any work and I used to get bored really easily and one of the directors he was a good to be fair and I didn't do any work and I used to get bored

really easily and one of the directors he was a good egg I won't name him he left his computer open and I didn't want to be I wanted to start with D

yeah second name does yeah oh yeah yeah yeah I didn't want to play the normal trick on him and just like be an idiot so what I did

was I I probably should have been fired for this but I wasn what I did was I should probably should have been fired for this, but I wasn't. I did an email to everyone in the company. Right. And I put a lot of effort into it because I know he'd gone to a meeting. So he'd be gone for an hour.

And I put a really nicely put together, well-written invite to a barbecue at his house that Friday. So he spent the rest of the day replying to everyone saying, yeah, this isn't happening. No, you can't have my address. I thought it was good.

But I really made it in his tone of voice. I was like, has anyone else got that Friday thingy? And I was thinking, we normally go for beers, but I thought we could do this time.

He's all come to my house and have a barbecue. And when he found out it was me, to his eternal credit, he said, you're a fucking prick for doing that, but I respect it. And he didn't fire me, so it was good. Game knows game.

I think looking back on it, you know when people make terrible decisions because they subconsciously want to get out of a relationship? I think I was doing that with a job. I sent one of those, yesterday I said that the lift was out of order, so I said that one of the person whose email was left open,

I emailed the whole company saying one of my Sherpas that I employed to get me up the stairs has lost one of his crampons. And he's furious. He says he's going to attack everyone else with the crampons

until he finds out where his other crampon is. What did everyone do? I didn't get any, because I wouldn't get the replies. So, yeah, I don't know. Unless people reply all, then you'll see it. Yeah.

The people who reply all are the worst. Let's have a break, Peter, and then we'll do some emails. I've got some more imaginary friend business. Oh! Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest. It's the rolling of the R's I like. Julian Assange, then. What I like about

people, did you see that people I think I sent you a tweet basically a fairly well respected tech journalist was emailed by the government agency that runs the new porn registration thing.

What even is that? Basically from May, I think they were supposed to do it in April, but obviously just slipped because of government. They're probably having a wank. Probably having a big old wank. Have you seen this stuff?

Have you fucking seen this stuff? I can't get anything done. Tops off. This lass has tops off. How is that allowed? Now, yeah, they emailed a tech journalist saying, basically emailing, it was like a mail shot.

A mail chimp. A what shot? A mail shot. Okay. Saying, this is what's happening with the video. Isn't that a category? This is what? What?

Isn't that a category in those websites? What are you, mail shot? Naughty postman. Yeah. It's like, what is it? Fake postman. Yeah. I've got a package for you.

They should do fake Amazon. Ding dong. Person. I'm sure it's been done, Pete. Do you reckon? Of course it has, yeah. Well, they... Do you want to handle some swollen goods?

They sent out some... That's a policeman, isn't it? I know, but it's from the office, isn't it? They had... They sent out a mail explaining the new system and how you're going to have to register to access pornography in the UK as of next month or two months' time.

How do you feel about that as a libertarian, Pete? Well, I'm not a libertarian, but it's just naive to the point of stupidity, isn't it? As everything the fucking government... So basically, if you want to visit a porn site from next month in the UK, you've got to register on the website. You've got to log in.

That's mad. I'm not in the mood for logging into anything when I'm ready to go. I'm in the website. You've got to log in. That's mad. I'm not in the mood for logging into anything when I'm ready to go. I'm in the mood. Only deviants have a login for websites of that nature. Yeah, I agree. But maybe I have several.

Maybe this is the double bluff. I think people will make up their own minds. But they're in charge of GDPR as well. So it's that part of the government that does GDPR.

Data protection. Yeah. And so they, so basically they sent out to one journalist and in fact they turned it to a million, like say a hundred journalists in the UK, big tech journalists, and they didn't BCC everyone in.

So now every tech journalist has got every other tech journalist's email address. Jesus wept. And they are in charge of GDPR and also the safeguarding of the registration of people who probably don't want to broadcast the fact that they've got a fucking, they've got a registration for a porn site.

This is mad. It's mad, isn't it? The world's really looking glass, isn't it? It's terrible, isn't it? Well, one thing, we'll get to emails in a minute, and so stay with us, but the other thing I found fairly interesting,

and I thought about bringing this to the table this week, and I thought, well, maybe I won't, because it's a bit complicated but anyway I'll just run it top line really quickly

do you find it interesting that Notre Dame which obviously tragically burnt down and by the way that's another misconception

Americans do not call Notre Dame Cathedral Notre Dame they call their university in the US Notre Dame in Indiana because it is called Notre Dame where did they get in the US Notre Dame in Indiana because it is called

Notre Dame where did they get that name from though yeah sure but Americans call the cathedral Notre Dame generally speaking

they name it correctly in my experience anyway I think what's my problem is that hunchback they're not going to remake that are they no

a disabled man what's his name say again what's his name what do you mean the hunchback of Notre Dame what's his name oh god what is his name is Say again. What's his name? What do you mean? The Hunchback of... Notre Dame. What's his name?

Oh God, what is his name? Is it Quasimodo? Yes, there we go. That rings a bell. Oh, is that a big sale? I knew you'd never forget anything. Who do I think I am? Jim Campbell?

Anyway, the thing I found fascinating is I'm not trivialising what happened in Notre Dame. It's a tragedy. It's sad for everyone You know, it's sad for everyone because obviously it's such cultural importance. All the rest of it.

All the rest of it. Do you find it interesting that of all the things, the tragic things have happened in the world say in the last 15 years, that Notre

Dame in 48 hours was able to raise a billion euros. A billion. Yeah. In 48 hours for restoration of Notre a billion euros. A billion. Yeah. In 48 hours for restoration of Notre Dame.

Now that to me says that people with that kind of disposable income it's nothing new are vain glorious egocentric

dickheads basically because that is a big high ticket thing. Oh he's the guy who restored Notre Dame Cathedral. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

I find that fascinating given everything else that's gone on war, climate change everything I can think of a building that went on fire not a few miles

from this particular studio about two years ago that people weren't raising quite so many funds for and the governing class well Grenfell the governing class

just wholly ignored and tried to brush them the carpet as best they could yes I agree. Pete, you've added extra context to my point. Absolutely right. It's bizarre, isn't it? It is. It's absolutely bizarre. Let's move on and do some emails

though, because people don't want to hear about us pontificating or opining on what's wrong in the world, Pete. They want to be entertained. We're going to build we are going to build the spire. We're going to build the roof back up in under six months. That's what Macron said. Is that what he sounds like? I don't know. I're going to build the roof back up in under six months. That's what Macron said.

Is that what he sounds like? I don't know. I never listened to him. You sounded a bit like the chef in Guesthouse Paradiso. No, I sound... No, I sound... From the creators of Bottom.

No, I sounded like the... God, that was the Bottom film, wasn't it? Guesthouse Paradiso. I went to the cinema for that. Certainly one of them. Yeah. You fucking bastards,

why won't you pay green card visa free pillow anyway you have to have seen it carry on I know it sounded

like the two French men who adopt briefly Bart Simpson in the Simpsons you also sounded a bit like

Antifreeze in the wine one of the singers of Be Our Guest in the Disney film Beauty and the Beast not Rigadon. He was in Lumiere maybe?

Lumiere. Lumiere, yeah. He's a candle enemy. Yeah. Be Our Guest! Be Our Guest! Put the service to the test!

Try the grey stuff. It's delicious. Anyway, don't believe me? Ask the dishes. Pete Donaldson, what's your email first? We've got an email from Lewis.

Lewis, save yourself the pain. Is this the same Lewis that emailed the Rambo? Because I think I sang the Radiohead song Lewis from the Iron Long EP. Could be. From the 90s. the same Lewis that emailed the Rambo because I think I sang the Radiohead song Lewis from the Iron Long EP could be

from the 90s I'm not familiar with the song oh we put him on yet um Lou oh I put too much you get little uh

Tabasco packets and I can't resist them there's one over there unopened yeah that's dessert eat it now eat it now

put it in your eye people went mad when you ate space food eat Tabasco now I'm gonna film it for Insta wait there wait I've got to Tabasco now. I'm going to film it for Insta. Wait there, wait. I've got to film it for Insta. Fucking love Tabasco.

I've got to film it for Insta. Make everything better. Okay, go do it. Oh God. It's dripping everywhere. People are going to be fuming. Ah, that's a whole packet. Do you actually like the taste of it?

Yeah, I really do, but it's a bit hot without any food. People complain about Tabasco because it's on every table, pretty much. It's the vinegar that hits you. Yeah, it's on every table and people complain that it's not the best

hot sauce, but it's just like, it's delicious. I can't get enough of it. What do you like on particularly? Not my tongue straight. I'll give you that. It's just so like, oh, it's like, it's not angry. It's not hot.

I was never like into hot stuff, but then Tabasco came into my life. But when... Sean Keaveney from Six Music, when I was a runner at XFM, he used to send me upstairs for... He's left Six now, isn't he? No, he's on afternoons. He just moved for

breakfast. He used to get a toast with marmite and two fried eggs and he used to go like bang as much Tabasco as you can and however much

Tabasco, it wasn't enough. And he said, hurt me. Pete, put as much as you can on, fucking hurt me. Pete, put as much as you can on, fucking hurt me. Oh, that's quite interesting.

My dad used to eat a fried egg by eating all the white stuff around it and then covering the yolk with so much black pepper you couldn't see the yolk and then pop it in one. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah.

I can't vouch for its flavour, but my dad used to swear by it. Can we please do an email? We're fucking 25 minutes in. I can barely... Do you want me to do one? Lou? Oh yeah, Lewis.

Pete mentioned something about rich people getting away with crimes, but I don't know if you caught the 24 hours on police custody episode a few weeks ago. No, I didn't. It's a good show, that, by the way. It sounds like it would be shit, but it is actually good. Is it? What channel is it on? It's like a procedural channel for sure about how they operate and how they get people charged in or get them to confess within that 24 hour time frame. Oh, nice.

It's a countdown clock and everything it's a bit like do you know what it's a bit like mate it's a bit I'll tell you what it is it's a cross between three programmes it's a cross between

the famous US cop drama Cops documentary bad cops bad cops what did you say there Crystal Maze Crystal Maze

and finally the 90s quiz show with Paul Daniels every second counts carry on carry on what had happened is someone phoned the police

about their home getting burgled for a load of antiques the police were looking at the case and after a few weeks it happened that the guy put in an insurance claim of £250,000 before which got the police suspicious

always the way the guy in question lived on a stately home and also owned one in Ireland he kept demanding he be paid £50,000 of the money immediately

which the insurer was obviously denied he then sent the police through more photos of what had gone missing to help get his claim through quicker stupidly

he didn't know that these photos could be time stamped and also have the longitude and latitude of where they'd been taken wow he told the police

originally he'd had antiques in a fireplace which were being covered by Persian rugs that had been stolen from his cellar when the police originally he'd had antiques in a fireplace which were being covered by Persian rugs that had been stolen from his cellar. When the police got to the location, it was in Ireland and all the antiques in the fireplace were there. Huh. So he'd moved it from

one gaff to the other. Yeah. When being questioned, he just kept saying he had two of the item. And the ones that the police had found were not the ones he'd been saying had been stolen. Amazing. Just a coincidence, yeah? He ended up getting eight years in prison for fraud. Blimey.

You do see that quite a lot in true crime podcasts. Everyone always takes a life insurance policy out a few months before they go missing. And it's like, really? And they always seem to pay out. And it's like, people must know. In the UK, I believe have to have take a life insurance policy out

when you get approved for a mortgage so everyone I think would have one here if they're a homeowner I think that's the case anyway I see

what about this Pete I want to introduce you to the People's Republic of Fuseland F-U-S-E Fuseland is it just fuses

or everything yeah imagine a fuse in a plug chuck land on the end of it. Yep. You got yourself a country. Dear Luke and Pete, after hearing the chat about creating imaginary countries

on episode 159, I was struck with an intense feeling of deja vu. I too, as a young child, created my own country named Fuse Land. As an only child, I often had to find my own ways of amusing myself and during one particularly boring afternoon, Fuseland was created. Fuseland was located somewhere between France and Spain

and was comprised of five million people who spoke Fuselish, a language I created which blended English with a few French and Spanish words I learned at school. To be fair, it was mostly English. I created cities such as Isaacton, a large industrial working class metropolis, Timberland, a posh capital, and Swidlow, a working class coastal town comprised mainly of burly dock workers.

I even created a government and parliament whose members I moulded after people I knew, even going full voodoo at times and creating political scandals that would engulf parliamentary certain members, moulded after, of course, people I wasn't too fond of. I even altered every map I could find in the house. Oh, magic.

To include Fuse Land, a practice that annoyed my parents, especially when I ruined my grandfather's ancient globe. Not the ancient globe! This email... Do not touch the ancient globe! That's another globe we talked about. Remember that dog pissed on the globe last week? Yeah.

In the school. He did. Don't you dare tickle my globe. Don't piss the ancient globe. That's another globe we talked about. Remember that dog pissed on the globe last week? Yeah. In the school. He did. Don't you dare tickle my globe. Don't piss on my globe. This email, I have to say, continues for some time. It continues to include, obviously, 18 different football clubs in the first tier and 18 different fictional football clubs in the second tier.

Swidlow FC, Ramden FC, an old illustrious club that fell into financial hardship and was slowly making its way back up the footballing ladder he said my interest expanded beyond just football i went so far as to write volumes about fuse land's history including ancient medieval conflict with the spanish and french over land um i even rewrote the history of world war ii to include fuselage brave contributions to the allied cause. Contributions, of course, which included liberating France in 1944 and bravely fighting against German invaders in 1941. As you may have guessed,

I had a lot of time on my hands and this project spanned almost 10 years and comprised much of my childhood. No matter how old I get, I always look back fondly at my creative recreation of football games, political sagas and historical events. And it was nice to find that someone else out there

had got to experience the same joy of creating your own world. Love the show. All the best from San Diego, Alan Bilsell. Write the book, guy. I'd love to get some sort of photos

of all the memorabilia he's still got. You know, you could probably go some way towards creating an entirely fictional drama series or something. Set in like a Lilliput style

kind of world that he's created himself. One question I've got, why Fuseland? Why do they call it that? I mean, he's been, he's gone into a draw

and dad's left behind a lot of Fusers. I can only imagine that's the situation. Did you have any imaginary stuff going on back in the day? No,

I think we spoke of this. I'm just not really that way inclined which is bizarre because in every other way I'm very strange. Do you acknowledge that you are strange?

Do you think that you're stranger than the average person? I've heard enough times being described by other people as weird. Do you see that

as pejorative? No, I don't mind it. I think there's enough space. There's enough soil to bury us all in there. There's enough space in the world for us all. I would say eccentric is a's enough space. There's enough soil to bury us all in there. There's enough space in the world for us all. Well, I would say eccentric is a gentler way of describing it.

There's enough flies for us all. Yeah, there are. We've all got 70 million flies each. We've got flies on us. We've all got flies on us. But do you not think eccentric would be more sort of complimentary and generous than weird? Well, I remember a mate texted me off.

Admittedly. I sent a mate. I think I spoke about this, I mean, admittedly, I sent a mate, I got some, I think I spoke about this before and I will have done, I got some records made, some vinyl records of me saying Merry Christmas,

like, for three, That was a very nice thing to do, I remember, yeah. For three minutes, just saying, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,

and I got them, I got them cut, and I had like, just a stack of these records, and very few people nowadays have record players, or the space to keep a record player, even if they wanted one,

and so every person I learned had a record player i would give these records to and i gave one to sorry listeners i know i didn't get one did you not get one no no you would have done surely did i yeah i probably did i think you probably did yeah uh and uh so a friend i gave it to and and and he took it home and his missus went what's this what's on here and he went oh Pete gave us it and he went and she went what's on it and he said

I think he said like sort of you know in the nicest way possible it's probably something weird yeah and she told me that maybe off social media or something

that it's just Pete being weird yeah and I was like oh that is what people think of me but I've come to I've come to you've people think of me but I've come to

I've come to you've come to embrace it now I've come to embrace it it's fine yeah I think it makes the world go round Pete and my life is far richer with you in it

but then that person played the same record with his current girlfriend at her house and she fell in love with you and and there was like

a situation where like the mum of I think her was going what the fuck is that voice? I was playing the long con. I was playing the long con. I might take, if you did indeed get me one, which you probably did,

I'd probably be unfair there. I might take it down to my family's this Christmas. Yeah, just play it. Just make it on. What's your favourite Christmas song? Merry Christmas. Well, it's this actually. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas for three minutes. Did you actually do it for three minutes? Yeah, I did for three minutes. Because at one point, the bloke who was on the radio I was on the radio at the time when I was recording it the bloke was on after me Chris, he comes in

and I went come in Chris and I think I'd knock over a glass because I'm surprised that Chris has turned up and that stayed in the master made it in the cup

it's kind of like your version of George Dawes' peanuts yeah exactly just got to keep going alright Pete let's get out of here we're out of time

I know you're looking at another email but we've got to go we'll do it on Monday whatever let's get out of here. We're out of time. I know you're looking at another email, but we've got to go. We'll do it on Monday, whatever it is. I think I might be

sick anyway. I've had too much Tabasco. Have a lovely Easter, everyone, by the way. Oh, yeah. We'll be back on

Easter Monday. Enjoy the eggs, dickhead. But even though you're not commuting into work on that day, do still, or home from work, do

still listen. Hello at Luke and Peach.com to get in touch. That was episode 160 on Thursday, the 18th of April. We bloody loved

your company. Thank you very much and we shall see you on Monday. 180.