The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 161: A walrus in free fall

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Hello all! We know you're probably not commuting today as it's Easter Monday but don't let that stop you listening to the latest instalment of this fine podcast. You don't get to the dizzying heights of 188 in the UK podcast comedy charts for nowt, you know.This time, Pete's received a towel through the post and he's not sure why, we reopen the great B'n'B v Airbnb debate, and there's a close run encounter with a polar bear (on TV that is, we live in London for goodness' sake). Elsewhere, the guys consider going metal detecting together, establish the best way of making cheese on toast, and then run through some of your emails. Have a great week! We'll see you on Thursday.***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

and a one and a two and a one two three four it's the luke and pete show with me pete donaldson i'm joined on easter monday with luke moore satan is an evilest man sorry an evil less man yeah oh that's what max romeo says in the songakes the Devil, from the album War in a Babylon, where the famous Prodigy song is sampling. So he's an evil-less man? He's not evil? Evil-less. Oh, he's like evil.

I think it's Patois, yeah. Oh. Evil-less, I like that. So Outer Space by Prodigy samples that song. He's not, yeah, he's not adding to the word evil just to get in a pattern that he needs to fill. Probably.

Yeah. That's what songwriters do sometimes Pete it's great to be with you on Easter Monday that's a lie I'd rather be somewhere else but this is the

life we've carved out for ourselves isn't it it's not all rainbows and unicorns is it mate it's not all Easter eggs and more Easter eggs

no certainly not did you have any Easter eggs yeah I've got a couple. I ate half a green and black one. I'm not a big

consumer of... What would the people in Hartlepool say about that? Green and black Easter eggs? Well, they'd probably say it's

quite delicious. That's going in the synopsis. You're writing that down now. What? Pete is a class denier.

Pete is very proud of his working class roots, but he feels like he's moved beyond that now. Luke, I'll stop

you there because I walked from football to Absolute Radio on Friday, sorry, Saturday and yesterday as well

in the big and hot heat shorts on, top off. Did you really? Yeah. Wow. Right, so never let it be said

that I'm not a muck. That is amazing. And I was walking through, I didn't see another person with a top off and I was like, I am an oik I think that's quite surprising

to our American cousins whenever we have American people visit right Mimi used to say it as well they see people with their tops off men walk around

with their tops off it's not really something that's done in the US I think what have they got against nip nips I don't know really do you remember when

the new Super Mario came out and everyone saw that they'd made nipples for Super Mario and they were really surprised they'd never seen Mario's nipples before. When you say everyone, do you mean people in the gaming community you inhabit?

Yeah, I guess so. Okay, right. It's just surprising to see Super Mario's nip-nips. What do you think about the idea? The areola was quite wide. Right. Wider than you'd think. But do you, I mean, I wondered whether,

thinking about now, I've seen you with your top off a lot, so I probably already know the answer to this question but do you think that generally in the summer when men walk around with their tops off it's a bit gauche?

Yeah it is gauche what do you mean like as in if you walk around with your top off yeah it is a bit gauche yeah but I'm muck

I was like I want to get a tan I bet you had a pair of rolled up jean shorts on as well didn't you? No I was playing football so it was Adidas joggers So it's a rare episode

of the Luke and Pete show where I sometimes like to do this because it's exciting. Right. I've not written or planned anything apart from the email

section today. Well, we're fucked then, aren't we? Shall we just stop this? No, we don't plan it per se, but I have a few touch points that I want to bring you in on because I think you'll

find things funny. But you've got nothing now. I haven't done it, but I just haven't done it. I haven't done it. I haven't done it. I haven't done it. Because it's Easter Monday and I thought

we'd just be a bit more relaxed about it. Alright then. But one thing I did read the other day actually is and I'll tell you what this would be a series that

people would have watched. So let me tell you something now it's a little secret but I'll let you and the listeners in on it. Okay because we've

got a very loyal community of Luke and Pete showers. Yes. And it's not the huge biggest show in the world it's not the size of the Rams or anything like that

but so it feels like you can be a bit more bit more sort of laissez faire with your secrets okay I was offered a while ago it's nothing

nothing's ever come of it I was offered a while ago a show where I would go you're going to think I've made this up but I fucking haven't right

I was offered to go metal detecting with Ian Holloway where I would go, you're going to think I've made this up, but I fucking haven't, right? I was offered to go metal detecting with Ian Holloway. I've, did I switch off at the start of this? Right, let me start again. I was offered a show a while ago. Right. I'm not going to say who by,

because I don't want to give people away, but the crux of the show was I would spend an amount of time going metal detecting with Ian Holloway. I think I know what show this is. Okay, he's very into metal detecting. Right, okay. And I said, yeah, I'll be up for that.

It sounds like great fun. And it'll be interesting and it'll be a different type of show. Be a bit of partridge about it, which is always the touchstone I want when I'm off a job. And nothing's come of it. But anyway, the BBC ran a story the other day that a guy, I think in Derbyshire, struck gold metal

detecting. He found a couple of coins dating back to the reign of Henry VII. And they're worth about five grand each, which is decent, right? And I just thought that, and I've talked about it before in terms of detectorists with the Mackenzie Crook

and Toby Jones vehicle I think you and I go metal detecting would be brilliant and I think we should do it we'd be there for ages don't you have to have permission and all that stuff

I don't know where in London you'd square we'd go outside of London Pete you'd have to be in London oh right okay well you don't want to travel with me anymore

well I don't know where we'd get a metal detector now Matt London's closed because it's the only place you'd sell them you surely have got a couple knocking about your flat in London. Oh, right, okay. Oh, you don't want to travel with me anymore? Well, I don't know where we'd get a metal detector now. Mapland is closed because it's the only place you can sell them. You surely have got a couple knocking

about your flat. I refuse to believe you've never owned a metal detector. It would be gone hair-wired if a metal detector went off in my house. You'd never turn it on.

Yeah, it'd be gone wild. Have you honestly, people listening will not believe you've never got your hands on a metal detector. I've never. I've always eyed them up

again in the Argos catalogue or the Mapland catalogue, but I've never, ever, always eyed them up again in the Argos catalogue or the Maplin catalogue, but I've never, ever, ever gone metal detecting. What, reminds me of the beach. You see people on the beach

quite a lot, don't you? Are you attracted to the idea of it? Yeah, I think so, yeah. I do, yeah,

I do like the idea. It's in your wheelhouse, isn't it? It's a bit of you, yeah. It is, yeah. I like,

I love a mooch. If you ever let me in a house, like certainly if I'm ever in an Airbnb, it's mooch time. Is it? And I get particularly excited if they say, there are cupboards that are out of bounds because we do live in this house like certainly if I'm ever in an Airbnb it's mooch time is it and I get particularly excited if they say there are cupboards

that are out of bounds because we do live in this house and I go I'm going to go mooching I'm going to wear your clothes do you feel mooch mooch mooch that's an egregious

invasion of privacy yes but don't let me in your house no don't let me in your house that's all I'm saying is that where you get your clothes from

is that on your Airbnb profile don't let me in your house don't let me in your house in my last Airbnb a friend decided to clearly worse than me he put on a man's suit

jacket and said this is pretty good I'll probably go out in this and I said you can't do that I said you can't do that but little did I know he'd opened all the pockets

because they were all sewed shut and he'd opened them up. I think that's outrageous. Bad behaviour. You're going to get a bad review for that, aren't you, when the guy realises? He reviewed me before he'd realised.

I've never stayed in an Airbnb. Why? I've told you this before. Why? I just go for actual B&Bs. Why? I don't like the imposition of living in someone's house.

I don't like it. But you literally are doing that. Yeah, but they're not there. I don't like having other people in the house. Sometimes they are there. Sometimes you go to a house in Texas and the bloke's sat in someone's house. I don't like it. But you literally are doing that. Yeah, but they're not there. I don't like having other people in the Sometimes they are there. Sometimes you go to a

house in Texas and the bloke sat in a rocking chair. Yeah, well he didn't know we were arriving in Amarillo. So you click a button saying house to

yourself, place to yourself so you don't have the problems. I like a lockbox. I like a little access cord, grab the keys, unlock the door myself, everything's fine. I don't lockbox. I like to be, I like a little access cord, grab the keys, unlock the door myself, everything's fine.

I don't need to deal with anyone. I don't need to sort of make nicey-nice while they show you around the flat. Someone makes you breakfast the next day though. I can make my own breakfast? I can't make my own breakfast.

You can't. I know you can't. I made cheese and toast this morning. Talk to me through your technique. Well, I'm not a big cheese and toast guy, but I made it for shits and giggles because I had some cheese. Literally some cheese.

Cooked the toast. I'd grill it in my oven. Well, that's your first mistake. What? You don't cook the whole toast first. No, I cook half the toast. Correct. Back end of it.

Carry on. And then put a bit of butter, cheese. I actually added some Asiago cheese. Oh, yeah. You were talking about this earlier. So what kind of cheese some Asiago cheese oh yeah you were talking about this earlier so what kind of cheese is it a soft cheese like a brie

it's an Italian's cow's milk cheese that can assume different textures according to it is yours soft or hard there's like there's like

prosciutto to d'allevo d'allevo which I think is a little bit harder so yeah it's really nice there are certain cheeses that cannot be used for cheese on toast.

Okay. Because my family, when we were young, was poor. We used to have Edam quite a lot. Yeah. Which is cheap and doesn't taste of anything because of that. And if you use that for cheese on toast, it goes weird. Oh, right. It kind of like shrinks and goes really sort of rubbery.

Hard, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To run it. Or not enough, I don't know. You don't want to be using the E-dam for it. But, yeah, and then Worcestershire sauce while it's cooking. Maybe a bit of Tabasco at the end of it. Yeah, don't mind that.

Yeah. That's a good... So I would go, I would grill one side of the bread. Yeah. Under the grill. Yeah. And we'd turn it over. The other side's delightfully hot and fluffy, isn't it?

Yeah. And you pile your cheese on there. Resist the urge to jam it in your face. I would take it, yeah, I would take it yeah I would take it out halfway through the cheese side and then put the Worcestershire sauce on

because otherwise the Liam Perrins goes through the bread if you do it too early and then I wouldn't mind a bit of Tabasco on it my wife makes an

amazing cheese on toast it's quite posh she makes it with crumbled quite strong either blue cheese or something else of that vintage, of that sort of tangy flavour. Drizzle of honey. Load of thyme on it.

Okay, that is posh. It's very nice. On a bit of sourdough. And listen. Getting a bit too fancy for me. A one-stop shop for getting your roots. I bought 29 pence uh mighty white sort of crappy white bread

you can't even buy mighty white anymore from uh like some shitty um white white bread people will be surprised to hear that in the centre of

london and right in the middle of zone one in soho you can buy a loaf of bread for 29 pence yeah it was it was yellow stickered it was yellow right okay

so it's on its way out aren't we all? So what traditionally do you do for Easter then, Pete? I've never been a big Easter guy. I don't think we've ever... At home, we'd have a couple of Easter eggs, and that was very exciting, but no, I've never... It's the holiest of Christian weekends, isn't it?

In the last seven years, I've been working, so I've not really celebrated, but it's been a lovely weekend of sun, so I played a bit of football and just relaxed the fuck out you didn't see Christine O'Stuart didn't see Christine O'Stuart

no my dad I got a towel through the mail I got a towel through the mail it was ordered by my dad and I said

dad why have you sent me a towel through the mail and he replied it's not a towel through the mail? And he replied, it's not a towel, it's a bath mat. Oh. Is it a towel? Still not.

I mean, you could use it as a towel, but he still didn't explain why he sent me it. Have you not got a bath mat? I've got two bath mats. One of them is missing, so I don't know what he's been up to. I don't know what he'd done. So he also did some stuff around your house when he stayed, didn't he? He did, yeah.

He left me some super glue and left me a couple of other things. Something quite interesting happened. It's not going to sound interesting but hopefully it gets

to a place where it is at least moderately interesting. Okay. I was at my parents at the weekend and I love them dearly, love them to death

and all that but they watch terrible Saturday night TV. Stuff that I've never even heard of before because I do not put the TV on Saturday nights.

I watched a bit of Blind Date last night. Who's presenting it now? Apollo Grady. I don't mind that. It works because the accent's the same, isn't it? Right. So, okay. And what is it?

Have they done what they've done with the children's shows with Thomas the Tank Engine and Postman Pat? Have they revamped it and modernised it? Not really. The set's a little bit jazzier, but he's just a bit more forthright about things he's a bit ruder to people

which I quite like he's a bit more blue is he there was this there was this clip I think that was actually shot on watch the bit of

Gogglebox as well there was two bits there was a bit of Blind Date on Gogglebox where an older man chose of the three if you're unfamiliar with Blind Date

three women or three men behind a partition, if you will. And then somebody has to basically figure out who they'd rather date and not be able to see them. And this old man came on with a gigantic... Hence the title, blind date. A gigantic denim shirt he was wearing that went almost below the knee,

which I thought was a strong stylistic choice how old was the guy he must have been about 65 at least the wardrobe department taking a piss do you think possibly they sort of dressed him up

like a teenager from like the 70s it was really weird right right right and the woman came out and he went best of the three did he

so why do you Capolo Green so why do you think that one then why do you think that one then why do you think that one and he goes I love dogs

I fucking love dogs me what do you think of this then don't show me a fucking dog look at this girl I'll just cry

what do you think of that then I'll just cry if you show me a dog go on what do you think of that then and he was

best of three oh very nice best of three how rude was she happy with that. Oh, very nice, best of three. Right. How rude. Was she happy with that? I don't think so, no. She was a bit put out.

It's not a great opening gambit. Yeah, there are some. Do they still have R. Graham on the voiceover? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Because Cilla always used to go, have a word with R. Graham. Anyway.

But the omnipotent voice of R. Graham. There was also a bit of Gogolox from, I don't watch any of the nature programmes with Whispering Man. You're an idiot, you should. David Attenborough. David Attenborough. Whispering Man. Sir David Attenborough.

Sir Whispering Man. There was all these walruses, walruses, walruses climbing up this rock because there's not enough snow anymore. And they were climbing this very treacherous hill. And one of them fell off and it was the most harrowing bit of television I've seen in a long time. This fell off the rock and died.

Wow. And for obvious reasons, you never see a walrus in free fall because it's just like a blobby, kind of like amorphous, kind of mess of blobbyness. And it just went. I'm going to arrange for that to be on your gravestone.

If I outlive you, I'm going to get, you never see a walrus in free fall on your gravestone. But Pete, it was horrific. On that note, I saw a great show last, I was actually going to make a really quick point about Saturday night TV.

Did you see the walrus fall off the cliff? Yeah, play it now. Right. It's in slow motion. Why is there no sound, Pete? People can't hear this. Do you want to see the walrus fall off the cliff? Yeah, play it now. Right. It's in slow motion. Why is there no sound, Pete? People can't hear this. Do you want to hear this?

Oh dear, this is terrible. Oh no, yeah, exactly. Oh, the humanity. That must weigh a ton.

I know. Even after that, I thought, maybe he survived because he's all blobby. No. Horrible. That particular kind of

branch of the animal kingdom, they're very interesting because on land, they look useless. And you think, how have they even survived? But you see them in the water and it all makes sense. So graceful.

All makes sense. Steve Baxall did a show which was on last night. It's a Sunday night and it's an environmental programme about and they're canoeing or kayaking around

the Arctic Circle making the point that you can in fact kayak around a lot of it now because the ice is all melted. Anyway, at one point they set up camp and...

Well, to be fair, he is married to a professional rower. That's right, yeah, she won the Olympic gold, I think. So, well, yeah, so you couldn't if you're accompanied by a rower. What's your point? I'm just saying if you're accompanied by a rower. Well, I'm married to a geologist. That doesn't mean I can go and do a TV show about rocks. I'm just saying that if you're going to bring anyone, bring a really good rower.

She wasn't involved. She wasn't involved. She wasn't involved. Well, she could have had tips. Probably consulted. Probably consulted. Yeah, exactly. They camp at this certain bit. Series 2.

Yeah. They camped at this certain bit and it was in Greenland. It's obviously very, very sparse. And it's literally, they have kayaked up onto the shore. Yeah. Walked about 15 paces

onto the rocks. Camped. Right. And Steve Backshaw, who's good on the tell paces onto the rocks. Camped. And Steve Backshore, who's good on the telly by the way, he loves a drama though. And he's like, the thing is, what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to take it in shifts to go on bear watch. Because polar bears,

one, they hunt humans. Two, they're really fucking hungry because there's no food for them anymore because of climate change. And three, if one comes, we've got no hope. We've got to do bear watch. They had like flare guns and stuff like that. Anyway, they're on bear watch. It's obviously land of the midnight sun,

so it never gets dark. Camera cuts to Backshaw on his watch at like 4am. And he's doing a piece to camera going, oh, you know, I'm on bear watch and all that. Hope one doesn't turn up. No joke, over his shoulder, a polar bear turns up.

Big one as well. Big one. Fucking hands the size of dinner plates. Have they got guns? Well, the polar bears, no. He's got an air care. So what happens is, and it comes closer and closer,

and it's amazing, right? One of these things where you think, God, the animal kingdom is incredible. Not just because the polar bear is a magnificent specimen, but it is walking in a straight line from miles away,

literally just following its nose. Yeah. Doesn't deviate at all. Just straight. Sees the camp. Smelled back shawl. Sees the camp, yeah. I've got back shawl on the menu

this morning for breakfast. And it gets probably about 20 feet away. Right. Everyone's out up by this point. He's going, there's a bear. Everyone gets up. They start shouting, screaming, and it won't go away.

It keeps coming closer and closer. So then they fire a flare near it. It still stays there. What are they going to do? They fire a rifle in the air. Oh, they've got rifles then. Yeah. But I don't think there's huge problems with them shooting

dead a polar bear. Right. I don't think, I mean, unless it's him or you. Yeah, I reckon they've got cameras. Pete.

If the polar bear's coming close, I reckon you can I fucking shat out a polar bear just watching it. And anyway, they start throwing

rocks at it also. Anyway, it's worth watching. I can't remember what the name of the show was, but it was on TV last night. It's a Sunday night on BBC Two.

It's probably called Backshall's Kayak Adventure or something but anyway it was very very good what happened what happened to the oh they managed to

scare it off and it slunk into the water and it went on a little piece of ice and sat on there just watching them and they're like

right we've got to go now because yeah it can eat all of us oh dear but I think there was a story a few years ago of a school trip

who did one of the teachers, I believe, didn't set up the trip wires properly around the circumference of the camp and the polo pet got on the camp and ate a kid. It killed a kid. Jeez. And the teacher couldn't get to his rifle quick enough.

Yeah, I heard his knackers on a dustin lid. Pizza. Anyway, so that's worth watching. But I was just going to say, I know I've talked a lot so apologies but Saturday Night TV on ITV it was this thing where

honestly I mean it was every bit as bad as this I think it was literally this this guy I've never really seen him before he he was obviously a light entertainment guy

he wasn't Anton Deck Anton Deck decent he was he was grabbing people at the check-in for their holiday and saying, before you check your bag in, if you can guess exactly how heavy it is, I'll give you a one-er, right? Right.

And they were like, all right. They put their bags on and they got it slightly wrong. They got one chance to either take stuff out or put stuff in to make it up to that event yeah anyway and people were like people had like

mad stuff packed in their in their in their suitcases big old dildo no no

that must not made the cut but a woman had a full sized iron in their in their suitcase oh yeah I've travelled with

a full sized iron before oh really yeah that's strange because if you didn't necessarily have a travel iron and you sort of look at your eye and you go to be honest the modern iron they're not built like they used to they're quite light but my mom's friend then pipes up and says she takes a bottle of bleach to clean the toilet when she gets there that is that yeah people who pack like they're not like they're going to 1975

on a on an easter sunday like they can't get to the shops like you can buy everything like a plastic bag zip lock bag for the tea bag it's crazy I basically chuck a load of clothes and a wash bag in my bag and that's it

occasionally if I'm going to the US and it's winter I'll pack a pair of slippers that's it asthma tablet all I need is asthma medication that's all I need really everything else

I dress like a teenager anyway I've just got to you know tell me guys yeah alright Pete let's have a little break and then do some emails

alright then on each step with Peloton from their pop runs to walk and talks you define what it means to be a runner

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Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Oh, I ordered a lot of Chinese meal last night. Julian Assange. Julian Assange. Did you? Sunday night special. Even on God's Day.

Sunday night special from me. It reached the high 50s. Three pack of mini eggs or not? No, no freebies on my watch. Just a lot of just a lot of bowel buns, little bowel buns

and all kinds of nonsense. A lot of bowel movements the next day. No, no bowel movements. Oh really? We were talking about this before we started. I don't know why

my bum does this but I don't need a poo and then as soon as I get close to my house I need a poo. Well this is the thing. We got an email. I've not read it.

I didn't shortlist it and how do you know it exists it wasn't an email it was an Instagram DM I got from someone saying what's all this about

Pete only taking four shits in 2012 and someone was confused as to how that's possible I mean it's not possible I mean it is possible

and you get incredibly ill but I didn't take four shits and I just It wasn't I was briefly constipated and Luke

and Luke finds the idea the very idea hilarious because he eats a lot of roughage What makes you think that by the way how am I reacting now What? What How long were you constipated for

in the fateful year of 2012? I think I did like a a couple of weeks Nah it was longer than that because you were in a shit state Shit state excuse the pun very few poops you can't have had

more than 7 alright in the whole year what are you talking about it was like a one month where I was like I was constipated but then you just get was it bad

yeah it was good it's not nice you just feel really sluggish after a while after a couple of weeks you just feel dreadful what food did you take on board to try and sort it out

it's not figs it's not diet it's an under like it's your it's your body going not sorting sorting yourself out basically it's your body going

oh this shit's precious this shit's precious I can't get rid of this I've got to keep it in the peaty ambergris so there you go the guy who DM'd me Pete's denying it ever happened

so what can I say go on do an email Peter it's hello at lukeandpetecher.com for emails all the way yes what's the mellow boy to mellow

I think maybe Macaely basically hello to that person who's I find very difficult it's mellow basically they call themselves mellow

from South Africa first time long time etc about 8 years ago I was talking about fearing that my tooth was going to explode at any moment

because I've got a weird bump oh yeah you know when like a macbook battery goes awry and it starts to expand because it's been left in the sun or something

I don't know I've done it for too long and it starts to warp the aluminium. Basically that's what my tooth is like and I'm scared it's going to pop

like a battery. What? Which tooth? What was that one? The canine. The left canine. Have you got a filling in it? No, no.

There's nothing wrong with it there's just a slight deformation that feels like it's going to explode at any moment oh right yeah

about 8 years ago I got a filling because I got cavity fast forward to a few years ago I bit into a hard candy and then noticed that I chipped my tooth for about a month

my tooth started disintegrating whenever I brushed my teeth or had a meal but because it wasn't painful I just ignored it until I woke up one morning choking on a piece of my tooth

yeah that's not good yeah and then the very next day went to a dentist and had the entire tooth removed mellow that is a horrible story but thank you very much

for getting involved yeah mine got bashed out by a snacker jack when I was on the way to Grickle oh yes of course it is another quick one as well

because that one was rather short Matt says hi guys hearing your recent chat about Taiwan I thought you might be interested to hear about the Taiwanese politician Freddie Lim. Chairman of Amnesty International Taiwan between 2010

and 2014, Freddie formed the new Power Party in 2015, which is now the third largest political party in Taiwan. Main policies include Taiwanese independence and human rights amendments. Freddie personally is currently debating same-sex marriage, wants to be the asian country where same-sex marriage is legal twisted all of this uh but before and during all of this freddie is the front man of extreme metal

band uh catholic or just thonic actually um thonic is very political as a band and unlike other political bands they have definitely acted on their opinions a politician in taiwan opposing the one China policy is bold enough to warrant a mention in Mankata, but a political band actually being involved in politics isn't heard of. So thank you very much for that, Matt. On that, thank you for that, Matt.

On that, did you see what's happened in Ukraine at the moment? Oh yeah, didn't a funny man... Volodymyr Zelensky. Yeah. An actor and comedian with no political experience other than and this is the great bit

playing the president in a TV series has won a landslide victory in Ukraine's presidential election with it was a run off wasn't it 70% of the vote apparently

that's crazy that's like come full circle now you know the idea of like the first chat about this was when Martin Sheen played the president in the West Wing. Right. And it's really interesting

because that gives you a very basic level, the idea of something that's really important in winning a presidential election, which is you being able to picture that person as the president. And it's come full circle in the Ukraine. Interesting. Yeah, massively.

Very interesting. I've got no idea about Ukrainian politics, but that particularly caught my eye. This is a podcast about Ukrainian politics, Liv. Shit! I can't believe you muffed this off. God's sake, we've only got five minutes left. What about this one, Peter?

For Rahm, Daniel Cross, who says, I'm currently sat in JFK airport after a wonderful week in New York with my fiancée showing off. I'm sat listening to episode 158 and I thought I'd share a couple of awkward situations I regularly encounter as a man in his 30s.

I like the way he's phrased that because he's like, oh, these two are really awkward. I mean, I'll get involved with a bit of awkwardness myself. Number one, getting someone's name wrong. I know it's a silly thing,

but the anxiety I get when I have been introduced to someone and I can't remember their name is ridiculous. It's not a hard thing to do. There are six billion people on the planet. I think there's 7 billion now. All at least with one name. And some Brazilians have 9. So why do I

feel so terrible if I get someone's name wrong? My situation is a little worse because I'm a teacher and have at least a thousand names in my head from work which can prove tricky when I meet ex-pupils. Is it just me? No, but I think sometimes we over-worry about people's names.

Because if I sort of go, look at a guy, I can remember the name immediately, but then I start to doubt it. Oh, okay, so you undercut yourself. I do it on air. If I've got a producer in, I know the name is Nick or a Dem or Matt or whoever, but I say it on air and then I sort of go

is his name definitely Nick? And of course it is but I just didn't want to mug them off on air because that's incredibly disrespectful. Sure. Because there's nothing worse than getting someone's name wrong. I find if I'm introduced to two or three people I've never met before if I'm in the present frame

of mind where I can properly concentrate I will remember. Otherwise, it goes out of my head in a second. Oh, no, there's not that. If I'm in a situation where I'm being shown a lot of people, I'm like, cheers.

Night, brother. See you later. And then Daniel says, number two, needing a number two is a man in public. He means a shit. I went to a subway station toilet in Brooklyn and it was like something

from Hieronymus Bosch painting, Hell on Earth. Ladies' toilets seem to be an oasis of tranquility and cleanliness. Men's toilets nine out of ten times are a disgrace. in Brooklyn and it was like something from Hieronymus Bosch painting hell on earth ladies toilets seem to be an oasis of tranquility and cleanliness men's toilets 9 out of 10 times

are a disgrace so when you're a bit loosey goosey and need a sit down visit what's your strategy because I pretty much can't go on and end up buying

a full meal in a nice restaurant just so I can go New York City plops New York City plops what do you do so recently I've told the assembled throng New York City plops. New York City plops.

What do you do? So recently I've told the assembled throng of listeners that we have that I've nipped into a pub, called it a bit of a favour there because I go in there fairly regularly and they kind of recognise me so that was okay. I jumped over the barrier at Brockwell Lido in Brockwell Park to go and use the toilet because I was on the run because when you're on the run it can be very tricky. If I'm out and about just generally, my top tip,

and I know this is easier because we're in London, go to a hotel. They can't stop you because they don't know if you're a guest or not. So if you go in, walk in there confidently, there's normally a toilet around the lobby area somewhere, or at least in the bar. No one will stop you. Ah, that's a good idea. But then sometimes i've noticed that

uh the one in manchester i needed a a little a little wee wee um and in the bar they didn't have one of those things for thought for that reason i think they insist on people going up to their rooms and using the facilities there can't be a very good hotel no it wasn't a good no but my point just purely is if you go to a semi-decent london hotel yeah the woman on reception or the man on the reception she ain't gonna know they ain't gonna know if you're standing or not they're not gonna challenge you

no how dare you I am a shrek I'll say even the nice ones like the Ritz or whatever they ain't gonna stop you they ain't gonna stop you

and finally for now silica gel I use silica gel in my panties to soak it up up your bum no that wouldn't soak it up

as discussed, my poos are clearly terribly dry. Did you like that message? Arid. Did you like that WhatsApp I sent you of that book, that passage from that book I was reading?

Which one? About the guy who got shot up the bum. Oh yes, right in the anus. Incredible that, wasn't it? Funny. What about this,

Peter, just finally for now. This is from Nigel from Eastleigh, which is a part of Hampshire. A bit too close to Southampton for my taste Monday and Thursdays are worth getting up for now

my son Alex encouraged me to lend an ear to your work he found this podcast as a follower of your football ramble but I bloody hate the game I'm not a club man

I prefer solo pursuits a bimble around country lanes on the bike or maybe a long walk but a good opportunity to listen to Luke and Pete and the Abroad in Japan pods he says when he's going out on his bike, or maybe a long walk. But a good opportunity to listen to Luke and Pete and the Abroad in Japan pods, he says when he's going out on his bike.

Which reminds me, Alex told me to give you a shout to check if I'm your oldest listener. Nigel is 69 years old. He says, I haven't got precious time to waste chatting to you two because I'm 69. So cheerio.

Keep up the good work, Nigel. 69 years old is the highest bid for our oldest listener I see oh well fair dues I mean that's pretty decent isn't it if anyone can beat that

let us know I think people who are that age generally speaking and Nigel must be the exception to the rule are just far too you know

just far too like sensible or wise to listen to our nonsense but apparently not can I finish with a little passage from a book called The Weight of a Soul

by Laura Gilpin? This is posted on Twitter. And you rarely sort of come up, you rarely come across literature online, which is very obviously like Porsche stamp sized bits of information,

where you sort of go, that is a beautiful seven lined bit of work. This is called The Two-Headed Calf. Tomorrow when the farm boys find this freak of nature, they will wrap his body in newspaper and carry him to the museum. But tonight he is alive and in the Northfield with his mother. It is a perfect summer evening, the moon rising over the orchard,

the wind in the grass, and as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual. Ah, lovely. Isn't that lovely? Very nice, Pete. What a lovely way to end the show. A lovely step change to end the show. Yeah.

If you remember one thing about this show, remember that walrus flown off a cliff. If you remember two-headed calf. What do you reckon that walrus was thinking as he fell off the cliff? There's no fish up here. This never happens. This never happens. This never happens.

I simply do not have the levers to deal with this. We've got two. Big levers. There we go. All right, Pete. I'll see you on Thursday. All right, then. I've muffed it up.

How have I managed to muff this up again? I'm a nightmare. Have you got past that phase where you're blaming other people now? No, what? No, you haven no you haven't alright see you later I wish I had two heads might help me out this was a

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