The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 17: Every Single Photo Had the Eyes Cut Out

Episode Date: September 24, 2017

Pete announces to the world his catchphrase and then tells us all about the best dog ever (apart from possibly the one last week that was friends with a dolphin).The boys then take us all through a Bad Job/Good Job email special from listeners, including a truly horrific washing machine delivery, before telling some tall tales about terrible jobs of their own.To offer us a terrible job, email here: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sticky Icky, throw it in the air. It's the Luke and Pete show, we're back once again. Luke and Pete 17, baby. I'm Mike D and I'm a Scorpio. Try and stop me. Kissing you, Mike D. You alright, Luke? You alright? Mike D. You all right, Luke? You all right? Pretty good.

You feeling good? I feel all right, mate. It's been a whole week since we heard from you last. I said heard from you. Showered at you. Spoke at you. I hope you're enjoying these shows because we enjoy putting them together every week.

One of the two Mike D lines I could have done was that one. Right. My name is Mike D and I'm the lady's choice. I think I can pull that one off. What's after the lady's choice? I'm not even a Scorpio. I like to get next to you like Rolls Royce. Like a Rolls Royce?

No, like Rolls Royce, as in put up to my bumper. I think. That's clever. This is off the dome piece, Pete. Off the dome piece. I'm playing for it. I stopped. For some reason, I haven't said this is straight off the dome piece for a while. Some I stopped for some reason I haven't said this

straight off the dome piece for a while some fly boy was giving it on Twitter someone on Twitter oh Luke doesn't say that anymore because I said

what did I say what do I say what do I say what do I say oh yeah when I say something simple it's simple and unalloyed okay yeah

and somebody got upset about that but to be honest I am in and we're both in radio studios, podcast studios, all the time. So we are going to occasionally repeat the same thing over and over again. I reckon if you forensically listened to Stephen Fry, even he would do it. I bet he wouldn't.

There are only a certain amount of words in the world. Oh, I bet he wouldn't. But I think you just get into the rhythm of something. You sort of go, look, this is going to be five. There's a turn of phrase that works for you, just use it. Go with it. Be yourself. That's how catchphrases work. Be yourself.

For crying out loud. Is that your catchphrase then? Simple and unalloyed? No. It's not a great one, is it? My catchphrase is, goodness me, I did a live thing for a video game company called IGN. It was the launch of Final Fantasy 15 late last year and I was totally jet lagged because I'd just come off

holiday it sounds like a porno Final Fantasy 15 it does a little bit but it's a long running Japanese role playing game I think I played one of them back in the day

Japanese video games they've just gone for fucking ages cut it down what were you going to say brevity saw the wit guys yeah and I was really jet lagged

and I didn't have that much sleep and so basically it was just this big celebration of this game and I was really jet lagged and I didn't have that much sleep and so basically it was just this big celebration of this game and I was doing like a live show that went on the

internet loads of people watching it it was about as well covered as anything I've ever done that's not a huge

statement I know but there was enough people and also it was being broadcast in cinemas right across Europe as well. And so things would be happening, showing you gameplay video from the game and stuff,

and I'd come off the back of that. And I was so tired. I didn't know where I was. So I was giving myself time to think about where I was, where I was going, what I was going to say next. And I kept on saying, goodness me, that was a lot of fun. And I must have said goodness me about 50 times there was like

10, 11 links did anyone pick up on it? oh yeah oh the internet does not miss out on stuff like that no so that was the goodness me man

and you've still got a cold you're known as the cold man the cold man you've been in a cold for about two weeks well I've just got back off holiday haven't I

because it's been it's been it's been it's been it's been what? I've just got back off holiday, haven't I? Because it's been... It's been... It's been, it's been. It's been what? I've been in Japan all day. I've been in Japan. For my it's been, before you go to Japan, if you don't mind...

All right, then. Well, if you don't mind, because this is a really quick one. I remembered yesterday or the day before that I went to a Star Wars exhibition. Right. And I forgot to tell you about it. Is it the one at the R2? No, yeah, it is, yeah. Yeah.

It's fascinating. I've not been, but... Have you heard about it? Everyone would say it was wicked. Well, I'll tell you what's so good, for those listening at home who haven't heard of it, it's called Star Wars Identities. I'm not sure if it's still on now,

but I went a number of weeks ago, and I completely forgot to tell you guys about it. And the reason it's so good is because... You get to fuck C-3PO. Peter! You've ruined the punchline. What do you do? It's got...

There's three reasons it's so good, right? Two of them is Jar Jar Binks. He is in it, actually. That's not one of the reasons. One is that it shows all the sketches and working out for the characters. And I'm not a massive Star Wars head. However, the good lady, Mrs. Luke is.

Right. And so I went along with her. And one of the fascinating things about the sketching and the character development of the particular characters was in Yoda's case, right up until essentially shooting, Yoda was like a weird old man gnome. Yes, I think I have seen something like that. It's embarrassingly

shit. It's really funny. He lives in a garden gnome. Well, do you remember the original big fat chap, big fat slug? Jabba the Hutt. Jabba the Hutt. He was a dude, wasn't he? He just looked like the man-drunk king in Game of Thrones. Oh, Baratheon. Yeah, he just looked like him.

He would walk around and stuff, and then I think they superimposed him in, didn't they? Or something like that. No, I think he was in the original one, but that was probably part of the character development. Okay, right. But the second reason it was really good is because they caught a few original costumes,

which is cool to see. One of the things I always find about that is that they were so small. The actors are always so small. Oh, yeah, they're tight. Princess Leia's costume, she must have been absolutely ridiculously small. Anyway, but the third reason, and the main reason why it's so good, is because when you go in, you get a wristband.

So you get an earpiece to go around with, but you get a wristband. And whenever you see a certain symbol, you hold your wristband over the sensor, and it asks you a few questions on a little iPad about yourself. And there's ten of these. And at the end, you walk out at the end into a big, open sort of area with a screen, and it gives you your own

Star Wars character. It's brilliant! It gives you who you are most like. No, no, no, it gives you a new one. Based on your own experiences. Luke the Bounty Hunter. I was a senator. It gives you a new one. Oh. Based on your own experiences. Like Luke the Bounty Hunter. I was a senator. I was given a senator. You were not democratically elected to that, Luke.

I'm not having that on the slightest. And Mrs. Lukey was a Jedi fighter pilot. Cooler. Like a million times cooler. So she won. You were basically a civil servant. Yeah, she won. And she was a badass.

I basically looked like a poor man's Ewan McGregor, who was a senator, and she looked like a really hot Jedi fighter pilot. So she Ewan McGregor who was a senator and she looked like a really hot Jedi fighter pilot so she wins but anyway it was really good I don't know if I can recommend it

because I think it's finished now it'll probably go out on tour you know what these things are like they're all thrown probably be in Hartlepool next week no doubt that whole bit of culture

yeah those things kind of go either way I remember being in I'll come on to talk about the first couple of times I was in Japan I went to a Gundam cafe do you know what gundam is it's like a basically big giant

fighting robots i don't really know even though i really like japan i don't really like anime or manga or uh technical porn i just don't like any of those things i find it all very dull hentai hentai is just porn and also and also i think hentai just means a pervy kind of person as well okay along with she can is that what they call you when you're out there Hentai is just porn. And also I think hentai just means a pervy kind of person as well. Okay. Along with chican. Is that what they call you when you're out there? They shout chican. I remember seeing a man with a t-shirt saying, I'm hentai man.

Oh dear. So he's busy saying, I'm porno man. God. Which, you know, I'd wear that. I've seen you wear worse t-shirts than that one. But we went to like a Gundam cafe, and they just mess around with the food too much. So it was just like, it was like sushi.

Well, like kind of like katsu curry and stuff, but they mashed and sliced up little bits of broad beans to make it look like the helmet of a robot and stuff. And it was almost joyless, disgusting food. It looked like someone had re-raised the contents of a nappy, which is what a katsu curry looks like anyway, but it wasn't very nice. I love katsu curry. But the only good thing about the Gundam Cafe was that if you went in nappy, which is what a katsu curry looks like anyway, but it wasn't very nice. I love katsu curry.

But the only good thing about the Gundam Cafe was that if you went in the toilet, you could press a button. Like, really unhelpful. Press a button, all lights go off. Right. In the whole toilet. Like, there's five or six people in there.

You press a button, the whole lights go off, and they go... And it makes it sound like it's taken off and you're in a robot costume or something. But people are just trying to urinate. The thing is, I imagine 95% of my impression of Japan, having never been there, is cliché-like nonsense. But that sort of story is not helping.

No, it really isn't. It's weird. It's just pretty strange. And what does Gundam mean? I don't know. I think it's just a name. Gundam. Damn, probably means mean? I don't know. I think it's just a name. Gundam. Damn, probably means robot.

I don't know. Okay, right. But what I would say is that if you ever watch a film, I've probably said this before, but if you ever watch a film like Lost in Translation, we sort of say, oh, it's this iconic Japanese set film. It's like all of the places are like the most obvious tourist traps.

Oh, they really are. It's like the robot cafe. We like filming. It's like Love Actually, isn't it? You sort of see Notting Hill and all those places we like filming it's like Love Actually isn't it you sort of see Notting Hill well that's very obvious Notting Hill is the film

Notting Hill but you know what I mean it's like every shot is in front of the House of Parliament yeah I went to Japan Luke

it won't surprise you I've just come out from Japan have you seen that show Prime Minister's Questions that's really cliche it's all shot in Parliament.

It really is a cliche. Parliament TV, your whole bloody channel. Dedicated to it. But you went to Japan, I know. I went to Japan, and this is a story that... I know you've been to Japan, because it means I've got to do a lot more work. Hey! Don't be rude.

I pull my weight when I'm around. Yeah, true. So, yeah. I want to talk about a dog, a special dog. Okay. We're not going to talk about decapitated foxes or being rude to cats. Stop bringing it up. Being rude to cats.

That's another one that people got annoyed about. Yeah, well, they will. You keep bringing it up. They will. So, the first time I went to Japan, I was very taken with the story. And I kind of forgot about it, to be honest. But outside the main station that I usually stay, Shibuya, is basically an effigy of a dog, a special dog. Hachiko.

Okay. Hachiko the dog. He was a Kita dog. Oh, they're cool, though. It's like, you know those Doge dogs that are very big on the internet? They're Shibas. Is it Shiba? Shiba Inu?

Shiba, yeah, Shibas. And they are like smaller versions of these big old furry dogs, basically. Sheevers and they are like smaller versions of these big old furry dogs basically and he was much like our very own Greyfire Eye as Bobby you know that story Greyfire Eye as Bobby where a dog would

you know wait at his master's grave for like 13 years after he died and around Edinburgh there's like loads of statues of Greyfire Eye as Bobby I didn't know that was what it was called, but I know what you mean. Griff Rides Bobby. And basically, this dog was also remembered for his loyalty to his owner.

Basically, Hachi means eight, and Ko means affection. He was a dog who managed to save his own species, effectively, just by being awesome and being dedicated to his owner. In 1924, a professor called Hidesaburu Ueno had a dog who would come and meet him at the exact same time every day after work for nine years at Shibuya station. It's kind of like Leicester Square basically. Well did he know the dog? Yeah it was his

dog. Okay well. It's not like that dog and the dolphin the dog and the dolphin was all athletic. Anyway one day the professor died and didn't appear at the station for obvious reasons because he was dead. And for the next eight years, Hachiko would repeat this pilgrimage every single day, just turn up at Shibuya Station, wait for this professor.

The professor wouldn't turn up, even though he'd just never returned. And he wasn't a small dog. At Shibuya Station, even back then, he would have been incredibly busy. And he'd be getting kicked and pushed and just get out of the bloody way sort of thing uh but eventually in 1932 in the asahi shimbun uh shimbun means newspaper and asahi means morning sun so the morning sun newspaper one of awena's uh students managed to get a piece published about this dog and its dedication to its fallen master he basically researched that there were only 30 Akitas

that remained in the world, basically, or certainly in Japan. So Hachiko was basically this kind of symbol of one of the few Akitas still remaining. And he became a national sensation. His faithfulness to his master's memory impressed all the people in Japan because it was like a sign of family loyalty sort of

thing. And it was something that everyone wanted to achieve or the government certainly thought that people should strive to achieve it. Not only to the government, but also loyalty to the emperor and stuff like that. So teachers and parents used Hachiko's vigil as an example for children to

follow. A well-known Japanese artist rendered a sculpture of the dog and throughout the country a new awareness of the Akita breed grew so that pretty much everybody wanted this dog everyone wanted their version of Hachiko and a statue of the dog was erected in 1934 at Shibuya station it's still there

you can still meet at it it's kind of like a meeting point. I'll post a picture of me in front of Hachiko, but it's such a busy station, but it's a great place to meet. And Hachiko attended the unveiling. That must have been weird. The dog just

looking at a statue of himself. What must he have been thinking? There's a lot going on. But he died sadly a year later of cancer and a parasitic worm. His legacy dictated that although food was scarce in wartime Japan, and although it was a very large breed of dog and quite unhelpful, the Hauser tiny there, basically it was the one breed that thrived because it represented something larger.

It represented hope in wartime Japan. And in 1994, the Nihon Cultural Broadcasting Corporation in Japan was able to find a recording of Hachiko barking. Someone had recorded it onto an old record, but it actually snapped in half. How and why did that happen? Well, I don't know. If it's Japan's most famous dog...

Could be any dog though, couldn't it? Yeah, but it was labelled Hachiko. The point is, if someone says to me, this isn't the original recording of the Beatles, Right. that's been unfounded,

sorry, that's been unfound, I reckon I could tell if it was the Beatles or not. It's a dog barking. Well, I think there's a certain level of trust. It doesn't bark like Sean Connery.

I mean, you don't even know it's that dog. Hold on, this is Hachiko. This is a heartwarming story so I'm not going to be childish about it. That sounds great. Yeah, but like 59 years

after his death in 1994, like millions of radio listeners tuned in just to hear that bark. That's great. Isn't that incredible? It's really good. That dog has changed

the country. Well, it saved its own species effectively because there was only a few left and everybody wanted a Hachiko dog. How many Akitas

are there in the world now? What have you done this week? That's all I'll say. Not that. Nothing that good. Have you served humanity, is the question. Well, I'll tell you what, my character in Star Wars may well do.

Yeah, on a very civil servant-y kind of level. Yeah. On an administrative level. All the parts add up to the whole. Boring. You're a boring spaceman and I hate you. Here's a jingle. We'll both look off the loop. We'll both look after Luke.

We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad with our mum and dad, we'll both look after Luke. Hello. Hello. We're back. We just had a debate off air. Yeah.

But we'll keep it to ourselves. We'll keep it to ourselves. It's email time, isn't it? And I think... It's not email time, guys. But you suggested to me earlier that what we should do is... Well, what was mentioned a number of weeks ago now, actually.

Eat the rich. No. Eat the rich. No, that's next week. We just got round to tallying up all the emails because, one, we get loads. Yes. Aren't we popular? Wait for us.

And secondly, because we're quite bad at admin, we've only just managed to put together all the emails about people who've had particularly bad jobs. Yes. Because that was mentioned a few weeks ago. It's a bad job special this week. It is going to be a bad employment special. Bad babies. So let's look forward to that. Should I go first or do you want to go first?

You go first because I'm so sniffy. Okay, right. This is from Dave. Hi, Dave, what's going on, mate? It is very good when people just say Dave because it obviously sounds like the email's going to be particularly incriminating. He says, Hello,

after hearing you discussing rubbish jobs, particularly from youth, I thought I would share mine. While probably not the most disgusting contribution you'll get, I was tasked with

two summers of counting power station stock, which included even the minutiae of tiny individual nuts, bolts and screws. I didn't find that job too bad,

but in my third summer of working there, I was promoted to cleaning seagull droppings or scurry shite as it was locally known of a series of enormous gas turbines a job which hadn't been done since the first seagull unclenched its manky wee hoop inside the generator room

give me the counting any day so literally Dave has opened this with a gambit about cleaning up shit from a turbine he says that's not the worst email we get I mean it's up there isn't it cleanit about cleaning up shit from a turbine. He says that's not the worst email we get. I mean, it's up there, isn't it? Clean up seagull shit for a living.

It's not a job you would choose, is it? No, but what I would say is, cleaning anything is quite satisfying. You've got a dirty turbine. How do you know? I've seen your flat. I've got a lot of bird shit around. You've got a dirty turbine. The turbine needs to be cleaned. And you clean it.

And, you know, it's thankless because the birds come back in and shit. But, I mean, still. But you're right about clean. There is a sense of... It's very much like when I fit in my car stereo. There's a sense of achievement. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing achievement...

There's no sense of achievement about doing this, is there? What, about recording this podcast? No. No! Because people could do without it, couldn't they? People could do without it. And they do! Yeah, he really isn't doing it. Looking at those sling No. No. Because people could do without it, couldn't they? People could do without it. And they do. Yeah, he really doesn't do.

Looking at those sling figures. Yeah. But anyway, I think there is a sense of achievement there and that's fair enough. Well, well done, Dave, for cleaning those turbines and I hope that those turbines appreciated it.

Just imagining two giant domes that he's cleaning. The next, that's not a turbine, is it? A turbine's like a... Well, a turbine will have a housing, won't it?

I suppose so, yeah. Like a round housing. The next email you're going a turbine is it? A turbine will have a housing won't it? I suppose so, yeah. The next email you're going to read is from Alex in New Zealand. Hello Alex in New Zealand. And I've got I used to live in New Zealand and I'm not sure if I should really be saying this on the air but I don't think they can get me now.

I was there without a work permit. Luke, you could retrospectively get in a New Zealand slammer for this. And that's why I didn't have a job while I was there without a work permit uh luke yeah you could retrospectively get in the new zealand slammer for this and that's why i didn't have a job while i was there what did you do over there oh well basically what i'm sorry imagine if you were there legally what would you do well a friend of mine was in new zealand without a work permit right okay and uh what this friend did is um he knew that he wasn't able to go for interviews because he couldn't get the requisite paperwork to present. So what this friend did is he got another friend

to go to the interviews. One of said interviews which he achieved the job, which is working as a barman, and he sorted all the paperwork out. And then this other friend went to the job pretending to be him right wait hang on i mean this isn't like the football of charles getting somebody to do his driving test for him this is somebody how can you be presumably they're being interviewed by the same person they're going to be working with

no word of a lie. It worked. It worked. Incredible. And the only problem was the person had to use another person's name. So that person was known as a different name right the way through.

Yeah, it got tricky after a little bit. What was the name? Ended up quitting. Because it is too difficult. What was the name? They were calling the name and the person wasn't responding. I feel like Arya in Game of Thrones.

A man has no job. Just a bag full of latex masks. So what was the name that that person assumed? James. James? Yeah. Home James? And there was another situation.

Seriously, Holmes, you are in so much trouble. Potentially more incriminating than that, involving the adaptation of a passport. What? Yeah. What, you changed the passport? I'm not saying I did that, no. Sorry, somebody modified a passport.

It was rumoured that that may have happened at one point. Did I... I also had a job doing... This is no word of a lie. I, this is one, this one is about me, I had a situation where I got a cash in hand job. Right. Which didn't have to have any papers being provided.

Yeah, it's still legal. Yeah, well, fine. I expect it was. The statute of limitations is probably gone now. It was years ago. And no word of a lie, I got into a car. They drove me to like an industrial estate way outside of the city. Right.

With a holdall full of kitchen scissors in plastic. You know that's really hard to open plastic casing. The irony is not lost. No, exactly. 30 or 40 pairs of kitchen scissors and was told to sell them all.

To who? Just to businesses. Right. Just walk into an office. Oh, I'm Scissorman. Yeah, genuinely. I go into a Scissorman. I'm James Scissorman. And they said, if you sell them all, we'll give you 50%. Your kid's back.

No. No. They said, if you sell them all, we'll give you 50% of the money. Right. And I sold them all and sold the bag and didn't go back. And just kept all the money. Luke! I know.

I mean, that's pretty crafty. That's pretty decent. But you should not be an intergalactic senator and all that for a moment. No, that's probably going to stop me from... That's going to come against you, that is. That's going to be an investigation. A select committee investigation.

Fantastic. That's fascinating. I sold the bag as well. Don't forget that. That's an important detail. Who did you sell the bag to? But the worst thing about it was, I can't remember exactly who the bag was sold to, but the worst part of the day, without question, because I started about eight in the morning, and I didn't finish until way, way late. What was your selling style?

Just get into a conversation with people. I'm actually not a bad salesman. I get into a conversation with people and that stuff. Ooh, scissors. And to be honest, it's not like you're sitting in a car. It's like a $5 pair of scissors. I mean, it's easy enough. But the worst part of it, without question, was like halfway through the afternoon i was i was

really skin i have any money for food or anything for lunch all right and you know how much i like my lunch um at one point i tried to sell a load of scissors to this office yeah when everyone having it and that's the other trick about saying you're threatened with it you just got you just got a stab stab a motherfucker no you just got to um you just got to run know when you're beating and go to the next thing, right? But I had no dice at all with this particular office. And as I was walking back, a woman, a fairly attractive, slightly older than me woman, as I was walking off,

just said to her friend, what a terrible way to have to earn a living. I was like, oh God, that's a low point. But anyway, so yeah, Alex from Gisborne in New Zealand is about to tell you about his job but that's my New Zealand job I couldn't believe it

that's amazing speaking about passport modifications did you see I retweeted a picture of an old style Italian passport

where you could be a little bit more laissez faire with how you looked in them oh really basically it's a guy in a

I guess a Stetson or like a decent hat an overcoat he's reading a, I guess a Stetson or like a decent hat and overcoat. He's reading a newspaper and smugging a tab. What, in the photograph? In the photograph. That's amazing.

Back in the day. That's so good. You know, at one point, I remember dealing with an immigration lawyer. Right. Because obviously my wife's not from the UK. Yeah. And one of the options that we were exploring was getting an Italian passport. Yeah.

And our lawyer advised us to investigate that avenue and so we did that and it turned out that she wasn't eligible for an Italian passport and I called the lawyer up to tell him and he went

really? You're not eligible for an Italian passport? He's like I'm pretty sure all you've got to do is spell the word Italy for that

so I think they are a little bit that's the fair way A lot of countries in Europe like Malta you can buy if you buy a house for like 100 grand I think they are a little bit, to be fair. Well, a lot of countries in Europe, like Malta, if you buy a house for like 100 grand,

I think you can get a free passport or something like that. It is a big business, that kind of thing. Right. There are loads more Irish passports around

than there are Irish citizens. I know that for a fact. There you go. Have a bit of that. They dish them out like sweets, mate. The thing is, if you're trying to get

into the UK based on that, good luck, because you're Brexit-insured anyway. Miserable. Anyway, Alex. Hello, mate. The thing is, if you're trying to get into the UK based on that, good luck, because you're Brexit-ing, sir, anyway. Miserable. Anyway, Alex. Hello, Alex. He's from Gisborne in New Zealand. He works out there as a veterinary surgeon via Cardiff and Pontipede. I love the idea of a guy in Gisborne, Guy of Gisborne, if you like, who is a vet. When we built beach. When we built beach. You finished with that? Yeah, who is a... When we built beach. When we are beach.

You finished with that? Yeah. You're done? When you're... When you're... He's living in Gisborne, right?

Which is way out on the northeast coast of Louisiana, right? Out on the stick. Anywhere else on the walk is out on the stick

by definition. And he's listened to this show. I love it. Yeah. It's great. Maybe he's got very limited options.

Maybe he's got a few of your mates like this. Get their numbers up. Yeah. Maybe some of his supporters. Basically, he's got very limited options. Maybe sell a few of your mates out. Let's get the numbers out. Yeah. Maybe sell them a pair of scissors.

Basically, he's had his fair share of questionable employment back in the day that saw him scratching around for a shekel or two. Over the years, I have cleaned toilets in a hospital. Nappy gate was a low point. Served drinks with my arse out to drunken ladies. Is that like a kind of sexy butler kind of thing? Right. That sounds good.

Stacked shelves, made pizzas, pulled pints, and driven a tractor on a pig farm, to name but a few. The lowest M in my employment history, however, must have been my time working for a promotions company in the West Country. The set-up was as follows. My two female friends were dressed in sexy catsuits and would wander around a given town centre on a Saturday night

handing out flyers for a sponsored club event. I was in tour dressed in a giant 15-foot inflatable Corona bottle costume, which stayed inflated by my backpack-mounted fan. The arms and legs were so restrictive that I could barely manage a shuffle and had to be led by the hand by each of the girls. The real kicker was that the small piece of mesh

in the front of the bottle only allowed me to see, well, a very small amount, as I was blindly led around Rorke's town centres on a Saturday night. Being the West Country, most of our destinations house rugby teams and it was standard procedure to hear the cry of Nail that fucking bottle!

Or worse to that effect as I braced myself for the unseen rib-breaking spear tackle that would invariably follow. That is unbelievable, isn't it? I often look back on these days and think how pleased I am not to have to stoop to these levels to earn a few quid anymore. That said,

a very angry dog crocodile rolled at work last week sending explosive diarrhea into my face and mouth. Wow. Do you walk out at that point when you've got dog shit in your mouth? Which is worse?

Which is worse? Imagine a dog loose about the Corona bottle costume. That would be... Shitting everywhere. That would be worse. You'd need a fan then, wouldn't you? I was genuinely interested to know whether Alex would prefer at that point to have gone back to his backpack-mounted fan and Corona bottle.

I love that. Oh, dog shit in your mouth. Do you want another one? Hatch a cup. Poo. Yep, go on, carry on. Oh, yeah. Was it an Aikita dog?

Was it an Aikita dog? Maybe it was. Gregatchikopu. Yep, go on, carry on. Oh yeah, was it an Aikido dog? It was an Aikido dog, maybe it was. Greg has been in touch saying, hi chaps, after enjoying the chat on the show about summer jobs, I wanted to contribute my own nightmare experience. Despite not being cut out for any type of manual labour, I got a job delivering white goods via a friend of the family. I've also

been in this situation before, Greg, I'm not cut out for manual labour at all. Right. And I did a bit of work as an electrician's labourer once and it was awful. He said the job itself was actually okay but one delivery will always haunt me. It was for a fridge to a flat in a local town, bring in the new one, take out the old one for a bit of extra cash. Standard

job. He said however on arriving at the flat myself and the other summer worker delivering the fridge from the truck were greeted by a man in a dressing gown at 3pm. To be fair, I've got sleeping patterns that dictate that I frequently see the Hermes delivery man in my pants.

That's fine. Based on what happens in a minute, it could have been you, Pete. As we walked into his flat, it became pretty clear that something was up. The walls, all of the walls, were covered from top to bottom with newspaper cuttings of female celebrities. Odd in itself, however, every single photo had the eyes cut out.

Oh, no. Walking into the kitchen slash bedroom slash living room, things got even worse when the newspaper cuttings made way for a massive swastika painted on the wall while piles of porn mags were stacked all over the floor. Wow. I'll never forget the look of horror on my workmate's face as we dropped off the new fridge

and loaded up the old one as quickly as we could. The guy offered us a cup of tea but for obvious reasons we got out of there sharpish practically running down the stairs carrying a fridge which stank.

Getting into the van we slowly opened the old fridge terrified about the potential contents and were relieved if slightly confused to find it was packed with empty plastic shopping bags. Good God.

It genuinely felt like we were walking into a horror movie, especially given how relaxed the guy was about letting us into his flat as it was completely normal. He did tip us a fiver, though, so, you know, not all bad. We did ask about reporting him to the police, but the head of the warehouse told us to mind our own business. He bought a decent fridge off us. And that was that.

Oh, Greg. See, at the end of the warehouse, they're thinking of the big picture. He says, keep up the good work, Greg. I mean, that is incredible. That is something else, isn't it? Did I ever tell you about the time that workmen were working in the building

of my old radio station in Leicester Square? If you know radio, you can probably figure out which company it is because there's only two companies in town, really. But they were doing some work on the sixth floor next to the cafe, which was staffed by an older gentleman, a younger woman, and a younger still lad. Anyway, he probably wasn't the sharpest tool in the box,

and I'm presuming it belonged to him because basically some workmen were doing some work on a cavity wall. They open up the wall with saws and stuff because they're fitting some pipes or whatever, and they find about, you know, like a ream of A4 paper? Yeah. So, you know, probably about... Thick.

Yeah, two and a half inches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So imagine four of those, right? Printouts, photocopies of women's parts. Not like sexy women, just bikinis, vaginas, just that part of the body.

Right. The nevers. So you cut that out. I'm not blaming him. I'm just saying it was probably him. What, in the wall? In the wall. Right. The nevers. So he cut that out. I'm not blaming him. I'm just saying it was probably him. In the wall? In the wall.

So there was just about three or four reams of paper photocopied pornography. Yeah. But not of anything else apart from the crotches

of women. Right. Very strange. That is specialist. Isn't it? I mean, that is a bit specialist. But I just remember

looking at it on like a like a trolley where the just remember looking at it on like a like a trolley where the blokes had taken it out the wall and thinking I love that I'm thinking

that's a weird one isn't it yeah I was like what I had an experience once when I worked at a place that may or may not be geographically close to that

and was it the same building well it didn't happen in the building, so I don't have to ask that. But I won't name the persons involved. But there was a situation once where we went to the pub after work and one of the bosses there,

and I won't name him either because it wouldn't be fair, said, look, get yourself over to the pub. Right. It was like a Friday night or something. Get yourself over to the pub. Was his name, did his name have three letters in it?

No. Right, okay. No, it wasn't, no. And Get yourself over to the pub. Was his name, did his name have three letters in it? No. Right, okay. No, it wasn't, no. And he said, I'll take the company credit card. Okay. Actually, this is reminding me of something else. The problem is,

you are a bit of a naughty boy. Like, you get away with what you think you can get away with. Well, before I tell that story, let me just tell you another one quickly, because it's reminding me of it. So this guy, I really liked him. He was a great guy to work for.

Right. And he gave me his credit card and said, there was something that needed to happen with a load of CDs. So this guy i really liked him he's a great guy to work for right and he gave me his credit card and said there was something that needed to happen with um with a load of cds so this dates it right so they're near to buy a load of cds like like a hundred of them or something of a certain type of cd right uh from the shop um across like an hmv or something and he said look give me he said give me uh get me these cds but don't use the company credit card use my own one because I want the air miles because I'm going

on holiday and I want to claim I can claim it but I can claim it back anyway so okay fine and he gives me his credit card

and the pin number and he sends me over to HMV or whatever it was and I have to buy a hundred of these CDs bear in mind you know the

geographical location we're in it's a busy area and I get to the front with these two baskets's a busy area and I get to the front with these two baskets full of these CDs right and I get to the front

and I buy these CDs and it flashes up as an irregular purchase oh what I'll show you right and obviously I'm not the credit card holder

so they they don't say anything they go around they make a phone call and they hand the phone over to me and go excuse me sir can you just answer a few questions oh no and they start asking me questions about

this guy yeah and i i obviously i mean i was obviously a lot younger than i am now and i'd you know even in my in those days i wasn't a credit card fraud committer so unless those questions are pertaining to what that man looks like that's limited knowledge really exactly so so i say look i'm not credit card holder i'm buying these for for someone else and no word of a lie yeah they say okay wait here please um cut the credit card up in front of me wow no right and they and i assume they're about to call the police so i call him and say look you've got to come over here something bad's happened and to be fair to him he came over and he was like you know he sorted it all out and

he didn't blame he shouldn't have cut the credit card. Well, no, it's bad, right? Yeah, that's bad. Anyway, that happened. But the point I was going to make, and that was awkward, but the point I was going to make is this same guy,

he sends his credit card over to the bar opposite the place we work, and he says, look, I'll be over here in a minute. I'm just finishing up. Was this after or before the CD debacle? I can't remember. He's very free with his credit cards

I know right if he's after he's not learnt his lesson anyway he sends the credit card over it's happened again but this is a bit different right because he's like

put the credit card behind the bar presumably he's going to do it as like a team build on top of the clip anyway so he's going to be there in like an hour so it's fine

so he puts the credit card behind the bar right this guy gives the credit card to him it wasn't me I will tell you it was it wasn't me and anyway we start getting beers. And after a while, he's not turned up.

He obviously got held up at work and such happened. So we're in there for like a good couple of hours. And we're all quite, I guess, quite pissed by that point. And this one guy, I can't remember who it was, but he was obviously a bit of a dickhead. He starts buying all these Sambucas, which is a bit of a piss take. I mean, the guy's buying you a few beers.

As he gets a tray of Sambucas, the. Which is a bit of a piss take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the guy's buying you a few beers. As he gets the tray of Sambucas, the guy walks in. Uh-oh. And sees him, right? And he taps him on the shoulder, measures him, he like, he gestures for him to put the tray of Sambucas down,

right? Yeah. Rips his shirt open, rips his own shirt open, starts wrestling him on the floor, like pins him on the floor, and once he's pinned him on the floor, grabs like a shot of Sambuca,

necks it and goes, don't do that again. It's brilliant. Wow. It's such a good effort. Can I dip the mics and go... It did, it was three letters. Well, it's not really his name though, is it?

It's a nickname. Anyway. I like that guy too. That's not a worst job story, but it is a fairly interesting one. Best boss story. I'll move on to David in Atlanta. Okay.

Bit of an Atlanta heavy series of shows. You love a bit of Atlanta. You've been, I've been. David's there now. The walking dead are walking the earth. He says, David in Atlanta again. I'm sorry, David, I have to be honest, I don't remember your last email.

He says, you guys mentioned wanting stories about worst jobs, but I couldn't help sending this note in about what must be the best job ever. For a number of years, I worked at the corporate headquarters of one of the largest hotel companies in the world. While working there, I met a guy with the best job. He said, in every industry, companies want to gather intel on their competitors,

and the hospitality industry is no different. This guy was responsible for gathering such intel on the luxury resort market, basically. He said his job consisted of flying around the world, experiencing the service at competitors' five-star resorts. He would have to visit their spas, order room service, get in-room massages, try out all the activities,

including things like guided walks, parasailing, etc. He was also required to maintain his platinum status with all the competitors so he could know that he was always getting the best service. So an extra perk was that his membership to all these loyalty programs were in his name so he could use the status was always getting the best service. So an extra perk was that his membership to all these loyalty programs were in his name so he could use the status

and the points when travelling with his own family. Why would he even travel with his own family? Why has he got a family? I'm all hollering. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I could see why, you know, the missus and the kids were wanting to get involved but I mean. The problem is,

I don't want to put the kibosh on this because it's a great story. I think though, I suspect the type of person that would do to put the kibosh on this because it's a great story I think though I suspect the type of person that would do this sort of job would have to be quite boring

because otherwise you'd just abuse it wouldn't you yeah but also I mean also you know travel takes it out of a person and I think after a while

it would actually be quite a difficult job which is I know somebody who works for I can only do it for a maximum of 10 years works for like MTV and she is always posting pictures of her in like some fucking lounge I know somebody who... Oh, can I do it for a maximum of 10 years? Works for MTV,

and she is always posting pictures of her in some fucking lounge on Instagram and stuff. And to be fair, the frequency is insane. Everyone's going, oh my God, I can't believe you're flat, jetting off to fucking Dubai and America for all these junkets and stuff. It's only ever three or four days at a time. It's only ever this and that and

like i think it would take it out on anyone to be honest what have you got to complain about there though just like just not having a set of life you've got a mate who's you know involved in uh high-end hi-fi and he finds it difficult you said all over the world yeah but his is ridiculous so i think he goes the thing the thing about his is that he's a really, really worldly-wise guy based on that. Because he's literally been to every country. I mean, I think he's been to like 100 countries or something. But the biggest issue, I think, is that although he gets first-class lounges, he doesn't get anything on economy travel.

And I was speaking to him a while back, actually. I see him fairly regularly. He's a good pal. But when I last saw him, he was like, oh, yeah, I've got to do eight days in Auckland, then I'm back for three days, then I'm going four days in India, then I'm back for four days,

then I'm going to China. It's like... It just seems like, yeah. It's relentless. I do get that part of it, but on this guy's job here, the hotels guy, I just think you have to be dull because otherwise you're going to end up...

You know, you're going to... Oh, yeah, I thought I'd better just try every bottle of champagne in the bar to make sure that it was all right you know as someone like you pete you'd be you'd be sacked instantly i'd buy like some interesting things well quite that is one way but yeah but to be honest when it comes to uh room services if i don't like bugging people the only thing my most extravagant request in a hotel will usually just be an iron. Okay, right. It annoys me.

It really gets on my nerves if a place doesn't have an iron. Yeah. Or they've only got limited irons. Or they make you bring it back.

It's like you should have at least enough irons. Every hotel's got an iron. Yeah, some of them have ironing rooms though. Some of the lower heel ones. So the sort of ones

that we used to go on tour in. Pretty much, yeah. Pretty much pretty much um i was going to say to you the old conundrum about um i've never ever flown anything other than premium basically right i mean anything above premium sorry right um so i've never done business class or first class right and the old conundrum i always think about is if you're someone who's not able to fly that very often yeah and say you're doing a so you're flying to the US, right? So when I was in Atlanta, obviously you fly, I think it's eight and a bit hours there

during the day and it's about seven and a half overnight on the way back. Yeah. If you could only afford to do business class, say once, would you do the night to get the sleep then you missed the service?

Or let's say first class, not business class. So yes, would you do it overnight so you get the sleep and not the service or would you do it during the day so you get the sleep and not the service or would you do it during the day so you get the service

but not the sleep? I think that, I always, I do spend a lot of my time watching YouTube videos of like people who do a lot of business trips first class.

Yeah. So they rate different kinds, you know, Emirates first class which is just insanity. Yeah. You get a shower and all that wank

and it's just insane. They've got walk-up bars some of them, haven't they? well, yeah, you know, you're talking like

go to a bar anyway mate anyway you can go like you know 20 grand for a flight something but I was for a good

year and a half two years I think I made the most of it I'm almost certain I certainly did compared to everybody else who was also on it

friends and family I was on friends and family for British Airways and it was the best year and a half of my god damn life because you could get I used to fly to Tokyo

quite a lot because I'd bum it and business class flight with a bed was sorry 400 quid

something like that which was just insane so if you flew overnight in business or first would you get your head down or would you stay up and take care of

everything well you know I mean to be honest I mean you're paying for the bed really aren't you I mean, would you get your head down and would you stay up and take care of everything? Well, you know, I mean, to be honest, I mean, you're paying for the bed, really, aren't you? I mean, the service is you get your nice food and you get it earlier than everybody else. Yeah. And then you wake up and they serve you a little bit more food. But I mean, first class is probably a different situation altogether.

Who knows? But get in touch. Hello at the Luke and Pete show. Especially if you're a PR for an airline. Listen, if you want to talk about your experiences, we will absolutely do that. We will test them out. We will just take the bird up,

fly it around a few times, take us down, take us back down again. Yeah. Have you seen this new website where you can, if someone's got like a little two-man plane, a little prop plane,

and they happen to be, you know, getting their air miles flying, you know, to Swindon or something and flying back again, you can get and sit in and use it as a travel, basically. It's a website that links pilots who have little prop planes and punters who need to be somewhere. Right.

What sort of range are we talking about? Well, you can get to Amsterdam. It's mainly Newcastle, people flying from London to Newcastle, but it's always like Bedford Airport. It's always like Newcastle like people flying from London to Newcastle but it's always like Bedford airport so it's always like airports out on the sticks Southampton to Bristol

stuff like that so like these two little two man planes it's a good idea it's a good idea would you be up for it? yeah my first flight I first flew

when I was 25 but not technically I actually flew when I was about 14 my dad took me up I think he's been drunk took me up in York on one of those two end planes

well he flew it no he didn't fly it he wasn't drunk like they wouldn't fly so it can't have been two man planes it must have been a three man plane

but he was in the back and I was in the front and he let me have a go on the pilot let me have a go but that was my first flying experience was that your inspiration

to become a pilot which you failed to achieve which is a lot you know it's a pretty risky and kind of gutsy first flight I think and then after that when you're four you which is a lot you know it's a pretty risky and kind of gutsy first flight I think and then after that when you're four

you don't care yeah I know he's like oh I trust dad never trust dad never trust dad now you know I was an adult

yeah I know yeah I trust him now there's also companies that match you up with private jets Russian wives they're trying to be relocated aren't they

what do you mean say there's like a private and there needs to be something. Oh, yes, yes, yes. You can be relocated with it. It's still bloody expensive. I'm sure it is. You look into it and you go, yeah. Remember when we were doing a football show down in Brighton

and I was doing something else and I looked into motorbike taxis? You were doing the thing you normally do, Pete, where you try to please everyone and end up pleasing no one. Yeah. And churning myself off massively and I end up being a big ball of stress. And before you know it, you're in a situation where you are staring down the barrel of having to get a motorbike taxi across the country at a huge cost to yourself, rendering your fee for the show itself completely pointless and being really stressed and sweaty.

Yeah. It was... Apparently there's only like one company or two companies in London that can do motorbike taxis, which is interesting because of Transport for London. So they've got like, yeah, they don't give many licences out for that kind of thing.

What's the Transport for London got to do with it? Well, I guess they give out licences for being taxi cabs, but obviously it's a much riskier form of transport. Maybe they think it's going to be taking the trade away from those black cab drivers. Those bloody black cab drivers, eh? Anyway, that was a rambling email section. Whoa! Why don't we

ask people to get in touch with us with hello at lukeandpeachshow.com with more of your bad jobs stories and interesting job stories, I guess. Last time we did this, it was at the start of the series and people started talking about poo quite a lot, so don't do that.

Other than that, get in touch with that, or anything else you think may well be of interest. Well, why don't we give people a bit more extra Men Carter next week? Okay. Because we've overstayed our welcome. We haven't got time for Men Carter, have we? We yapped too much, to be quite frank. All right.

Yeah, maybe we'll go with Dan Wainwright's Men Carter next week. I was looking forward to it as well. I haven't read it. Sure. No, wait, not sure. Hello at lucanpshow.com.

Yeah. You do so many different emo shouts you always get them mixed up. I think you might have done the one for Absolute Radio

on stage with the Ramble once. Oh yeah, I think I did, didn't I? Yeah, that's Absolute Radio. The Lucan P's Show with the No Repeat Guarantee. We don't repeat any songs. That is not a Oh yeah, I think I did, didn't I? Yeah, that's absolute radio. The Luke and Pete Show with the no-repeat guarantee.

We don't repeat any songs. That is not our guarantee we can stick to.