The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 184: Stories from an onsen

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

This episode of The Luke and Pete Show involves a story from Pete Donaldson which beggars belief, and it involves a child at an onsen. An onsen is a hot spring in Japan. Trust us when we say it is remarkable. Listen out for that, but also listen out for a great email from a listener on the subject of wedding photos, some stuff about scientific discoveries, an interesting theory about the link between high altitude living and suicide and, if that gets too heavy, a story about a swan getting stuck into a man's knackers.Info dump on us here: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete show. Luke Moor, terrible Uber rating. Pete Donaldson, an excellent spotless Uber. And let's face it, Airbnb rating. We're back in the area. In your ears, all nice. I hope you're having a lovely afternoon, evening or morning. Yeah, nicely, or morning. Yeah.

Nicely put, Peter. I forgot to tell you about a story about when I was in Japan. Okay. It involves a child's penis. Oh, good. Yes. For God's sake. Japanese onsen, obviously a very popular way of relaxing and rejuvenating,

and they believe they have healing powers. Explain what they are. Hot springs from the ground sometimes volcanic uh volcanically created obviously there's a lot of volcanic action in in japan um and uh yeah you just you just sit in a hot pool and then you sit in a really cold plunge pool there's usually a sauna involved as well a lot of hotels have them uh installed which are not quite volcanic but they're certainly very relaxing if you've got a fucking kicking hand over.

Are these the ones you're not allowed to go into if you've got tattoos? Exactly. So, I kept on pretending whenever anybody came over to tell me

I wasn't allowed tattoos and there's loads of signs up in English telling me. What's the reason? Because it's connected to the Japanese Yakuza. They don't want those people there.

They don't want those people there. They've got their own bloody onsens, quite frankly. It's the sort of rule that will change very, very soon. It's the sort of rule that only really upsets old people in Japan, and certainly old men. Right. And so I had the excuse that I was French,

so I couldn't read the English signs, and they should have a bit more respect for the French language, or as the Japanese call it, Francego. What did they say to that? Nobody stopped me in the end. But how? I'd already gone, oh, come on, hi, chigayimasu, Francego, Francego. Oh, so you said that in Japanese?

I don't know what's being said. I didn't see the signs. They're all in English, mate. They're all in English and Korean and Chinese. Now you write them in French, I don't understand. Have some respect for your French. What did they say? I said they didn't say anything, so write them in French and I'll understand. Have some respect for your French. What did they say? I said they didn't say anything

so nobody challenged me about my tattoos. Oh. Because you get in, you're Billy Bollocks, except my friends who are incredibly churlish and put pants on.

It's like, just get your bollocks out. Do you think I'll be in there naked Pete? You'd be what, around the hotel hall corridors? Billy Bollocks doing naked police.

Yeah, you get in and you have a sit out but you sit in a hot pool there might be a sauna as well you tie like you know like a Japanese chef they always have

like a towel wrapped around their heads like Daniel LaRusso yeah exactly and you stick that on your head and you're like oh it's so nice

if you've got to hang over it's so lovely and it's genuinely was it raining? it was raining all the time so it was one of the few things you could do inside. But genuinely one of life's pleasures.

I think any Turkish baths, anything like that, and it annoys me that one of the favourite parts in the world, Japan, precludes me from visiting because I've got a lot of shitty leg tacks. It boils my piss

hotter than any onsen I've ever been in. Are you going to tell the story about the child? I've, under, under, under my lawyer's

Oh, you can't say anymore. No, no, no. I was in a, we went to one, a dormitory in Osaka. This crappy little hotel. Nice and cheap,

but crappy. They had a little onsen and I was in there and it was a very relaxing situation. Just an onsen. Like was in there and it was a very relaxing situation just an onsen like going between the hot

hot hot hot balls of water and then jumping straight in the plunge pools and going fuck it's freezing I love this

I am alive they're bigger than that in Scandinavia love it bloody love it and it's exhilarating and it wakes you up and it's fantastic

and I wish I had access to one because I mean saunas and stuff in in london they're invariably gay and it's hard to differentiate that map on a google map of the amount of saunas in finland right okay there's loads of them tens of thousands of them i'm gonna open a japanese onsen in uh in in piccadilly where all the japanese restaurants are i reckon reckon people will get on that. And there'll be a yes tattoo. Everyone has to have a tattoo. And it's the tattoo of my onsen.

Anyway, we got the dorm in Nagoya where, of course, Arsene Wenger and Gary Lineker practiced their arts. Grand Passat. Grand Passat. And I was in a dorm in because I liked the onsen.

And I was like, I'll have a relaxing time in the onsen. It wasn't relaxing. It was a nicer hotel and it was a nicer onsen. And I was like, I'll have a relaxing time in the onsen. It wasn't relaxing. It was a nicer hotel and it was a nicer onsen. But, fucking, there's kids everywhere, man.

They had kids running around. Right. This Chinese family brought in their little ones and they were running around and a Japanese man had brought his two in and they were just fucking legging it and screaming. It was like a swimming pool for them

but this I mean it's a room no bigger than this really oh right and with a couple of pools and a plunge pool and so I'm like this was supposed to be relaxing

and it's annoying I felt a bit like Alan Partridge the little gentleman with the jeans not allowed they get you in the jeans role again

no it's because I'm not allowed with my tattoos but we're allowed to scream and splash around and that said the sauna did have a TV in it

and it was showing a man showing the best way to cut the hair of a dog so that was good fair enough anyway so I

go in the sauna go in the hot water and then go into the cold plunge pool and I was like oh I love this I'm alive this fucking child who could not have been older than two or three

balls over. And I'm like in the pool and with my head poking out the water. And he sort of stands on the corner of the pool. Yeah. And his penis is just in my face. And it's not big enough for two people. So like the pool. The pool. Yeah. And his penis is just in my face. And it's not big enough for two people. So like the pool. The pool.

So I'm like trying to rotate away from this child's tiny winky. Where's his parents? Fuck knows Luke. Yeah. Fuck knows. He's a naked child with his penis near a radio DJ's face. So his mum and dad are in big trouble.

Dereliction of duty. Endangered in a minor. And every time I try to rotate my head this kid would sort of move his penis like into my view. You don't share

a common language so you can't communicate. I could have told him to fuck off I reckon. What happened then? I got out because I felt terribly self-conscious

that a child's, not my child's penis was in my face. Yeah. Yeah. It's not relaxing, is it? No. Not as relaxing.

I rested my mind on his head and I'm joking. It's just fucking dreadful. You are kind of like the podcast generation's Larry David, Pete. Fucking dreadful.

Absolutely dreadful. Terrible behaviour. Don't bring your kids into somewhere that's for adults. Especially when there's willies around. Terrible behaviour. Don't bring your kids into somewhere that's for adults. Especially when there's willies around. So what happened after that?

You just left? I just left and went, that was not relaxing at all. I need a drink. When you go and get a goudon, you know that sort of bowl of beef and rice

and it's got an egg in it. The one down in... There's an egg in it. There's an egg under there. The one down in Waterloo, which is called Yamagoya I think for Kowoka

it serves these Giudons and it it serves with it what's listed as an onsen egg right okay but I don't know

is that anything to do with that do you think I don't know I don't know what an onsen egg would be like an egg it's like a barely cooked really soft

poached egg like a wet egg yeah I guess it's because it's wet it's an onached egg. Like a wet egg. Yeah. I guess it's because it's wet. It's an onsen egg. It carries on cooking while it's in the hot bowl with beef. Oh, that'll be why then, because you cook yourself, don't you? Oh, okay, right.

That makes sense, yeah. Yeah, cool. Interesting. I didn't realise Fukuoka, that place, because there's one on Shafty Avenue. I didn't realise there was a few of them. I didn't know that. I found their ramen's very underwhelming.

The gear you've done on the ones on the cart is amazing. A load of pickled ginger in there as well. Here's a story that caught my eye, Pete. Organisers of a straight pride event, I thought you'd be interested in this, have called in the bomb squad because a load of... A sex bomb.

A load of... Sounds like they need it what looks like gay people sent them envelopes full of glitter yeah nice yeah you can do that can't you three members of super happy fun america called the authorities over envelopes filled with a granular substance in quotes which turned out to be um glitter um they knew that they knew that though they knew that was glitter. The president of the group Super Happy Fun America who organised the straight pride thing

John Hugo said that what happened was an act of domestic terrorism. Right, okay. What do you think about that? I think people need to fucking

go outside a bit more. Yeah. Get outside. The thing about these organisations is their websites are usually really nicely done because they're all web developers. Yeah, exactly.

I quite like the idea of a very bigoted politician, whatever it is. There's enough of them around, mate. Yeah, exactly. But I quite like the idea. Because what happens is, you know, we end up having this debate about, you know, should you throw a milkshake on someone? And does that escalate into violence and all the rest of it? And I get all the, I get why the conversation

has to happen. But I know for a fact that Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, both former Republican presidential candidates who have, on the record,

had quite anti-LGBT views in the past in a bigoted way, which I think is unacceptable. They've been glitter bombed in public. Yeah. And it, and I'm not being outoted way, which I think is unacceptable. They've been glitter bombed in public. Yeah. And it,

and I'm not being out of order, but it does look amazing. Oh yeah, amazing, yeah. Yeah. It's so colourful. Yeah.

It's just great. I'm having it. So maybe that's the way to go. I've also found the story on a slightly different angle. It's more of an interesting type thing that I think people would,

would be very, very keen to read is, Vice have done a really interesting article recently. I think it came out maybe a week or two ago. Um, it's a really, really insightful piece of investigative journalism in their health section about the mystery of high altitude suicide. So apparently if you live in a, um, it's based in So apparently, if you live in a,

it's based in the US. If you live in a US county above 4,000 feet, Right. you are twice as likely to commit suicide than if you were at 2,000 feet. So there's twice as many suicides

at that altitude than elsewhere. And there's been a lot of research done into it. Now, the first port of call was, of course, that there's less oxygen in the research done into it now the first port of call was of course that there's less oxygen in the air

which can then cause I think obviously I'm not an expert in brain science but basically what that can mean is

the way that the body reacts to that and the brain reacts to that is it starts shutting off the less urgent and less sort of

what's the word I'm looking for the less essential parts of it the keeping's the word I'm looking for the less essential parts of it. The keeping your shit together. Which includes serotonin which is a really important part of balancing your brain

and how you feel. And if that happens over a period of time research is still very sort of embryonic but it looks like it might be that you are far more likely to suffer

from mental health issues and suicidal tendencies if you live at high altitude which the reason it's an interesting story anyway but the thing that really sprung to mind for me on that was like

I feel like we should already know that that feels like something that should have been sort of squared away a long time ago it seems very jigsaw-y

it seems like oh yes of course that's the case and also like did we I mean we all care for the water and historically we need access to water so presumably we'd be spending a lot more time

at lower altitude by choice. Sea level. But you're not going to drink sea water, are you? No, but I mean, as in... It must be harder to find water at higher altitudes than lower altitudes because presumably the water is a little bit closer to the surface when you go deeper.

Why didn't we evolve to be able to process seawater? I don't know. That's a question for hello at lukeandpeach.com. There'll be a scientist out there who'll know that. Because you know, on that thing about this felt like something that people should already know about, you don't come across those stories very often. And the great example of that is I saw a talk with a couple of,

I think it was with an evolutionary biologist and a quite eminent physicist. And they were talking about, I'm bollocks if I can remember who it was, so don't ask me for the link, but they were talking about the scientific discoveries through humankind, and so when things were discovered. So like, and the idea, the point they were making

was that when Isaac Newton discovered about gravity and all the things he wrote about in his seminal works, he obviously died in the mid 18th century, the early 18th century. I think a lot of his discoveries were around the fall, around the turn of the 18th century or whatever. He was awarded a lot of stuff, I think maybe even in the 1600s. But evolution wasn't actually discovered until the mid 19th century. Right.

Which if you plot out all the scientific discoveries of humankind, it's like an outlier. It's like ridiculously late because the idea is so simple that it should have been discovered by very clever people who studied the natural world a lot earlier. But of course, the reason it wasn't... Religion. Exactly, because people had already boxed that off and said, no, God created all that, so don't worry about that.

And people weren't looking into it. I find that kind of thing fascinating. Yeah, don't go in the cupboard. Yeah. I'll always go in the cupboard. I will as well. I used to find all my Christmas presents early. Most disappointing one?

Yeah. No, they were never disappointing. My mum and dad scripted and saved and always got me an Amiga. Always got me what I wanted. You were an Amiga purist, were you? I was an Amiga purist, baby. Actually, we'll take a short break

and be back with some emails because we need to get through some fucking emails, mate. All right. All right, then. She's going to report me for saying bugger, you know. Oh, just wait till I see your mother.

You're in real trouble. Oh, I say, what if you're going to go and see her? Then tell her this. Bugger shit, fuck shit. Fucking sphincter. Fucking sphincter. The only mainstream podcast

yeah we are mainstream as far as that we've got our own studio and we have sponsors and sometimes the show's getting the charts but you're probably going to hear an ad break

involving the words fucking sphincter yeah I'd say is that something to be proud of or not I'm not sure to be honest emails

email of the evening Joel has got in touch hi look Pete further to the waterfowl chat in episode 174 we're going back a bit I don, look, Pete. Further to the waterfowl chat in episode 174. We're going back a bit. I don't remember it. We were talking about some waterfowl, apparently.

I can confirm that swans are not particularly calm and that they feature heavily in one of my earliest memories. My microphone stand is having a right old crazy lazy. I just, we had, who did we have in that? I'll tell you who it is. James Horncastle, isn't it? What? He's always on that

edge yeah he whispers so much that the microphone stand has no giving it anymore he also whips his hair back and forth he whips his hair

back and forth lovely hair yes I was this is Joel I was probably four or five years ago I was probably

four or five years old when this happened it was the summer I was out for a day trip with my now deceased grandparents at a local nature spot, Carsington Reservoir in Derbyshire. Minding my own business, sat on a bench.

I saw that my grandad, not a patient man, was being harassed by a swan. I've never known a grandad to be patient. No. My grandad is the most impatient man in the world. I've never known a grandad. Oh, sad. No.

As he went to bat it away, the swan lowered its head and bit my grandad square that's sad no as he went to bat it away the swan lowered its head and bit my grandad squarely on the nads and retreated it is quite possibly the funniest thing

I have ever seen and has stuck with me vividly for about a quarter of a century great there's something quite shocking about seeing

an older member of your family having to deal with something so funny yeah it's like seeing your nan cry what's going on there any family member older member of your family having to deal with something so funny yeah it's like seeing your nan cry what's going on there

any family member crying is difficult for me yeah but like a nan like nans are supposed to be like because my nan is a bit of a misery guts alright because she got a bit ill

and it was Christmas day and she got a bit emotional because she'd ruined Christmas day and it's like oh my nan's quite usually a bit of a hard arse well they think

don't worry Pete normally ruins Christmas Day every year your mum's ruined Christmas Day with those roast potatoes yeah in other animal news I was once bitten by a tanuki

right and I also once lit a cigarette from a dead badger that some local chavs had set on fire I do not have TB nor do I condone the burning of any animal

alive or dead if you'd like to expand on either of those stories let me know we're alright thanks Joel to be honest I had a bit of a... Do get checked out, though. That was a terrible story.

Yeah. That bit at the end. I had a bit of a set-to with a neighbour the other day, because he he tried to sort of have a go at me. Right. Well, not have a go at me, but be like, you know, he's very British, very passive-aggressive. Yeah. And we always get on fire, and I think he's a nice guy, so it was a bit strange. Is that the ones you got their keys?

No, no, no. That's my downstairs neighbours. Yeah, that would never happen. We would thrash that out. But to put it in perspective, our downstairs neighbours, the lady, she's allergic to cats, so she never complains about our cats. But anyway, we've got two cats I told you about before,

Magnus and Hercules. They're great lads. I've never seen them be aggressive to anyone they're very very gentle they've been looked after properly they've got a very stress free environment there's no kids around

it's very quiet for them they have a lovely time but they are cats right and bear in mind this neighbour in question also has a fucking cat right so it's not as though

he doesn't know the score and what's happened is we've got quite a lot of trees over the back of our garden. This is the guy I told you about who went out to get that big tree knocked down. He was complaining about

birds roosting and stuff. Right. I told you that. He sounds like the enemy of animals apart from cats. He sounds like, why is he stressed out about birds nesting?

Well, because he wants to see them nesting. I don't know why. Oh, he's stressing out about them. He wants more nesting. Yeah. But I said to him at the time, which is a fact,

a tree surgeon worth their salt will check. You have to go online with the local council and check anyway before you get a tree knocked down. Yeah. If it's over a certain height. I'll tick all those boxes. I'm not, it's not the Wild West out here. No. I'm not just taking my chainsaw to any tree I see. You're not the tree loggers

of the swamps of the Discovery Channel short Swamp Loggers. No, but that sounds great. I'd be interested in watching it. The mill consistently breaks down. Terrible mill. Is it the deadliest catch

of the swamp log world? Well, it's just men with chainsaws from what I can tell. I've not watched any of it. Shall we just say they've got a formula, Pete? They've got a formula, yeah.

They've got some chainsaws. They've got a big logging operation in the swamps of Alaska it's always Alaska yeah can you have swamps in Alaska

I think so anyway they're in the swamps of maybe Siberia it'd be the south of the US wouldn't it no I think it

might be Siberia okay or is that Siberian cut that's logging as well there's so many shows about logging and fishing

and you voice over all of them outdoors in them but they are big jitters and the mill um sometimes goes look we've reached our quarter guys we

can't process any more timber right and they're like well what the fuck what the fuck have we cut all these fucking trees down for i've not quite got to that level yet ffs

anyway right so this that's that's the backstory yeah so i have a chat with the backyard oh yeah i have a chat with him he's like oh yeah um because i heard him

having a real commotion in the garden. He was shouting about something and I heard the words wretched creature being used. That's how British he is. Right. And so I was like,

all right, I'll just go and see if he's okay. Genuinely, because he's a nice guy and I want to make sure everything's all right. And we've had foxes around and all sorts,

so I didn't know what was going on. Wretched creature. So I went over there and I said, oh, is everything okay? And he was like, yeah, it's just that your cats

are attacking this bird's nest. And I was like, right, what do you mean? He said, oh, well, is everything okay? And he was like, yeah, it's just that your cats are attacking this bird's nest. And I was like, right. What do you mean? He said, oh, there's a bird's nest up there and there's fledglings in it and your cats keep trying to get to them. There's an egg up there. Yeah. And I was like, okay, well, where is it?

And he was like, it was just there. It's about 11 foot in the air or whatever. And I was thinking, okay, there's not really much we can do about that, is there? Because, I mean they are cats and it's disappointing and it'd be sad if they were to catch

one of them and kill it but I mean this is the circle of life this is like nature what do you want me to do does he not let his own cat out yeah his own cat

his own cat's out there all the time is he just annoyed that his cat is being emasculated or maybe one of my cats

is an absolute fucking killer he's a matador you can't reason with a cat though can you and it's almost a bit like

I get it but you know when someone tells you a story and you're expecting there to be a payoff and it just doesn't come or some

route to a solution it's just like he wants to he's not sharing in the sadness and the cruelty and the barbarism of nature. He's going, your cat's going to fuck up them birds in my tree.

Yeah. It's like, what do you want us to do? And they're also not even your birds. It's not like you've bought birds and you're keeping them in the cave. Put a fucking net up then. Yeah, you could do that. You could do that if you wanted. Take the birds inside.

You won't do that. So anyway, I had a little bit of a set to my neighbours, which kind of unsettles you because you want to get on well with your neighbours. But we're just so closed in and there's so many people around anyway so I don't even know why I started talking about that

but anyway that happened just interesting that he's mad he is what about this from Stuart who

this is a well this chair goes back a bit doesn't it fucking hell yeah I think Mesut Ozil's agent changed it what's he doing he changed the settings

Jesus that's how they sit I hope he doesn't do I hope he doesn't do that in meetings Yeah, I think Mesut Ozil's agent changed it. What's he doing? He changed the settings. Jesus! That's how they sit in Germany. I hope he doesn't do that in meetings. Why has Mesut Ozil been meeting with desperate... Well, I'll tell you what. Your mate you told us about who had an issue with his wedding photos because his face puffed up. His face puffed up, yeah.

Here's one from Stuart. He says, your conversation about wedding photos reminded me of one of my mate's weddings. Here's one from Stuart. He says your conversation about wedding photos reminded me of one of my mate's weddings. Let's call him Tom. We went on his stag do in Oxford the weekend before his nuptials. The weekend before I think is too close. Foolish. And Stuart's about to tell us why.

Tattoos, visible scarring. It's all a big shame. Stuart says usual type of thing. Afternoon shooting guns on a country estate followed by food and beers. Always going normally until the end of the night. Tom had cycled into Oxford in the morning to do a half day at work when we met up after lunch. Tom was very, very drunk by the end of the night

and was shoved into a taxi by the best man to take him home to his fiance. However, you've got that little gurgle there. Little gurgle. However, drunk Tom suddenly remembered his bike and jumped out of the cab to go and ride it home. He made it as far as the countryside

but he went over a little cattle grid, the cab to go and ride it home. He made it as far as the countryside, but he went over a little cattle grid, causing him to go over the handlebars. His injuries were all up one side of his face and giving him a look of a Harvey Two-Face from Batman. He was bruised and swollen on all down one side and normal on the other. His fiance was surprisingly understanding and the wedding went ahead as normal.

However, the majority of the wedding photos had Tom standing side on and in profile. There is one photo of the couple looking straight at the camera, which has something of a Halloween feel. The couple are still together and are gladly expecting their second child. Love the show.

Stuart, what is a good ending to that? It's a good ending. I would like to think he could have done, what's his name, the block cut of Bald Rock Empire, who is a survivor of oh

the great war the assassin guy the assassin yeah he's got a little phantom of the opera thing he's got a little phantom of the opera fake face could do that yeah

if you've got a wedding photo story it's hello at lukeandpeacher.com if you've got a neighbourly dispute story we're not in dispute it'll be fine

it'll blow over but if you have got one of those stories hello at lukeandpeach.com cut the tree down it'd be fucking brilliant I've done

I can't because it's in his garden yeah but like just chop it all down like just do the whole thing just go no birds the birds flew away shall I demolish my own house

to show them I don't give a fuck yeah exactly like Kaiser Soze yeah don't care mate don't care and we will I don't have any cats

fuck you we will read all of your emails as a ways and we're catching up with them now but we can still always do it more. Love it to hear from you. Hello at LukeandPeach.com. This is Luke and Peach Show.

We've bloody loved talking to you. We will, of course, be back on Monday with another episode. Have yourselves a badass weekend. Don't cut your face up. Don't get your face near a child's penis.

Please don't also do that oh you fucking bugger this was a radius to carl production