The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 189: Fighting on cruise ships
Episode Date: July 29, 2019Happy Monday! This time on your all-new episode of The Luke and Pete Show, Luke's been to the Lake District, and Pete has been out for a drink with his friend and his friend's cobbler. Yes, really. We...'re not sure what to make of that either.Elsewhere, there's wasp stings, talk of a huge brawl started by a clown on a cruise ship, and lots of animals being naughty. We also answer a question from a listener who is getting a load of hassle from his neighbours. And, before we pop off, there's a chance to hear from someone who had a similar experience to Pete in a naked spa. LEEEEEROY JENKINS!***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Leroy Jenkins
Leroy Jenkins, Luke Moore there
and Pete Donaldson, responsible World of Warcraft member of the party
Yes
You reminded me of Leroy Jenkins yesterday
You were saying it was an absolute stone cold classic
Mimi and I were playing it through our car's
media system
on YouTube
was she familiar
with the work
she wasn't
no
so it was always nice
to introduce her
Roy Jenkins
and he says at the end
at least I've got chicken
yeah
I'm so high right now
Luke and Pete show
episode 189
Peter I got stung
by a wasp on my way in today
oh I got stung by
rather the aggressive
prices of the cafe within the building that we're working in.
Yeah.
Why did you do that?
Well, I'll set the scene for you.
Okay.
When you say, why did you do that?
Why did you do that, mate?
Why did you do that?
I don't feel like I had a huge input into it.
I was standing on the platform in West Norwood in South London, and there are trees that hang over the platform.
Right.
I was waiting for the train.
I felt something
fall onto my head.
I thought it was like
a leaf or something.
So I just put my hand
up to it.
Just a pissed up wasp.
To wipe it off.
And it was a wasp
and it stung me
right on the finger.
I mean,
if I was going to say
that any part of your body
that resembles a wasp's nest,
it would be definitely
your hair.
Because wasp's nests
are otherworldly
and curly, aren't they?
They're very curly-whirly.
If you come across a big wasp's nest,
it looks a bit like a portal.
It's horrible, isn't it?
Yeah.
There are some kind of old sheds.
I think somebody had a shed where they kept some mannequins, I think,
and a group of delinquent wasps had taken over and built a nest
wow
it looked like
something
very spooky indeed
so yeah
I feel like we talked
about this maybe before
have we?
maybe
can I introduce you
to the video game
Mordor
yeah you've definitely
talked about that
I've talked about that
on the video game
Mordor
I've talked about that
on the Football Rumble
Discord
we don't have a Discord
server for Luke and Pete
but maybe in the future
we will
maybe
did you have a good weekend, mate?
Yeah, I played Mordor.
Did you really?
I did play a bit of Mordor.
No, we've not sparred
with this before
because I played it
for the first time last night.
I got reacquainted
for an hour and a half
with a bit of video games
and you know what?
I bloody enjoyed it.
The only reason I know
or care whether we've talked
about something like that before
is because you get people
talking about it in the reviews.
Oh, they've mentioned
stuff I've mentioned
before.
Yeah,
no,
I've never mentioned
they'll give you
again more door.
Here's the people,
to the haters out
there,
give yourself a favour.
Suck my dick.
first of all,
suck Pete's dick.
Get it down there.
After that,
go around your
friend's house.
No,
work the balls.
After you've listened
to this,
go to a friend's house,
not even the friends
you like that much,
right,
and you don't spend,
you spend way too much time with
and talk to them for half an hour, do that
twice a week, every week for two years
and then tell us whether you've had the same conversation
more than once. I mean, that's very much
our deal. We've got to avoid that.
They don't have to worry about it because they're not
producing a podcast from their speech.
No, but I think they should have empathy.
With our position. We're churning
stuff out here. Don't say churn.
We're churning wasps' nests of content out.
Wispy wasps' nests.
It's not churning.
We are...
Fibres.
We are mining content.
Shit-coining.
Shit-coining mining.
I got...
Yes, I got a stand-by wasp.
That was a fairly inauspicious start to the day.
Did you put vinegar on it?
No.
Because, obviously, wasps is vinegar.
Bees is...
What was bees?
Bicarb is it
yeah
because one sting
is quite acidic
and the other one
is quite alkali
well the wasp sting
is an interesting
situation I think
because as far as I know
you can still get
stung by a wasp
after it's dead
right
and then also
isn't there a pheromone
in the wasp sting
that attracts
the wasps
in the area
to try and help
wasps in your area
milfs in your area
yeah
so I just got
I saw the pop up
I just got strapped on the train
it's like get me out of here
get out of here
they'll be on me
and guess what was sat opposite me
on the train
a milf
a massive wasp
a massive mother
for fuck's sake
a mother wasp
yeah
a wilf
well there'll be an email
there'll be an email
about bees a little bit later on
so look out for that
it's like you're pre-promoting
that's me pre-promoting
the second half of the show
you've always been
famously solid and you're Fen-promoting that's me pre-promoting the second half of the show you've always been famously solid
in your
Fenian
you have been famously Fenian
you've always been famously
solid
in your
unwillingness to
behave like a proper broadcaster
and promote stuff coming up
proper broadcaster
you heard me
couple of shifts on Talkspot
by yourself
grow up
I've been on the radio feed
10 years
with co-hosts that are much better than me
more like
I stopped using off air so you just played video I went to Cartmel in the Lake District I've been on the radio for 10 years. With co-hosts that are much better than me. More like.
I stopped using off air.
So you just played video.
I went to Cartmel in the Lake District.
Where the hell is Cartmel?
It sounds like a yoghurt.
It's in your favourite county.
What?
Cumbria.
Cumbria.
County Cumbria.
And it was beautiful.
I went there, took my wife there for her birthday.
Coydon, Cumbria.
Went to Long Clume.
Okay.
These are our words now.
Beautiful restaurant.
Very nice it was. Such a beautiful are all just words now. Beautiful restaurant. Very nice it was.
Such a beautiful restaurant.
Yeah.
Such a beautiful restaurant.
As Bono famously sang,
it's a beautiful restaurant.
And we went for a hike,
got lost.
That was okay.
Did you have GPS?
Did you have your phones charged?
Oh no.
Yeah,
I had my phone,
but there's not really much reception.
This is a disaster, man. Do you know what I do in that situation?
Scream. So we followed do in that situation scream and cry
we followed this map
that the hotel gave us
for a nice walk
went a few miles
got lost
because I thought
I personally felt
the map instructions
were quite vague
and Mimi's very very good
in terms of sense of direction
and she found it vague as well
so it's not just on me
and we just thought
you know what
we're going to keep walking
at some point
we'll come to a village
and we did and the village turned out to be about 45 minute walk from where
we were so we walked back from that village it was fine it was good i a lot of sheep i am um
renowned for um getting people lost but also i i'm also um very very keen on my sense of direction
in that i don't understand why people wouldn't like if you've got to go somewhere that's like
kind of southwest would you not travel start traveling in one of those directions just to get
roughly need to closer to where you are like people sort of spend their time just looking
they'll start the journey and they'll know they've got to go south or south slightly southwest yeah
and they will look at their phone immediately then the next road they will look at their phone
immediately and they will look at their phone immediately after that and it's like just head
south and then you know you can you can refine your direction a
little bit later on welcome back to the uh luke and pete show with myself luke moore and our guest
host today sir ranulph fines orienteerer extraordinaire yeah uh pathfinder i'll let you
know how to um find yourself some old mushrooms to eat in the countryside what you're talking
about there doesn't work though because you, I mean, clearly you can fairly easily,
not fairly easily actually
because it was really cloudy
and rainy on that day.
So you,
Follow the stars.
You can't follow the sun path
or anything like that.
No.
But you can't just walk
directly south
because you're going to come
to a lake
or a mountain
or something in the way.
Yeah,
but then you just walk around
the lake and went,
right,
where was I?
Yeah,
you're making this sound
a lot easier
than I know you know it isn't.
You need to bring some string, some red string so you can go back.
You're talking to a man who has spent several evenings with you in cities all over the world
and you've probably got lost in every single one of them or you've disappeared at some
point.
I'm not lost, are I?
I've got Wanda lost and I'm pissed.
Not all who wonder are lost
if you don't know
where I am
I'll be back at the hotel
I'm the master
of the French exit
people get really upset
about that
what's the French exit
you just don't tell
anyone you're leaving
because if you tell
someone you're leaving
some of your dickhead
friends will go
not because I'm
brilliant or anything
but they'll go
no stay stay
you gotta stay
I'm going home
I've done my drinking
for the night
I think we both know
who you're referring to
there don't we who we
both know who you're
referring to there who
Alex Anzala no in our
in our group oh in our
group yeah oh yeah I
mean yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah he's possibly
worse than Alex to be
honest yeah my friend
insatiable insatiable
um an insatiable thirst
so I'd love to be
starving like this
country carmel's a
beautiful part of the
world I'd recommend it it's nice up District Cartmel's a beautiful part of the world I'd recommend it
it's nice up there
the restaurant was
obviously beautiful
I've posted some photos
on the old Insta
so you can have a look at that
did you hashtag travel them
obviously
did you hashtag
more eats
what was the one you were using
more food
more food
Pete are you a
regular reader
an influencer
yes I am
I suspect the answer
I know the answer to this
are you a regular reader of the influencer? Yes, I am. I suspect the answer. I know the answer to this. Are you a regular reader of the website
Jim Walker's Cruise Law News?
What? Cruise Law News?
Yeah.
Everything cruise lines don't want you to know.
Oh, okay.
I know what this is about, Cole.
Violent brawl breaks out on P&O's Britannia.
My goodness me, this is pretty good stuff.
Pretty hot stuff.
I'm not going to belittle ferry disasters.
It's not a disaster.
It's a people in a fight.
No,
but if we'd lost that ferry,
what would we have lost?
Oh, right.
Fundamentally.
If it had taken on
a lot of water,
what would we have lost?
So apparently,
on the final leg
of a week-long cruise
to Norway's fjords,
there was trouble
at 2am
when there's a big fire. According to witnesses
there was blood everywhere.
Britannia staff had to intervene as passengers were using
furniture and plates as weapons.
Witnesses told reporter
Richard Gaisford that
people were so frightened they had to hide
as different family groups fought
all over the vessel.
Daily Mail reported that nine passengers were injured.
A booze-fuelled patriotic event
had occurred on the cruise ship earlier that day.
I think we all know what that means.
What do you mean?
A booze-fuelled patriotic event.
There is a video of...
Oh, I've not seen the video.
Oh, you've not seen the video?
No, talk us through it.
There is a video of basically the...
What do you call a top?
The deck.
The top deck with the pool and all that.
The poop deck.
Basically, looks like a top? The deck. The top deck with the pool and all that. The poop deck. Basically,
looks like a thousand people
on deck
all enjoying
the aforementioned
patriotic party
where everyone is waving
the Union Jack
and they're playing
Come on Eileen
by Dexys Midnight Runners
and
I refer you to
my previous comment
if it had taken on water
would we have lost
anything fundamentally?
It looked fucking awful.
It looked awful, Luke.
I stuck on the WhatsApp.
It is awful.
Just describe why it's so awful,
because people are having a nice time
and like to wave British flags around.
It looked like a Nigel Farage wank fantasy.
I'm interested.
Keep going.
Keep talking.
It was awful.
Why are they going to Norway?
To the beautiful fjords?
Who's organised that
as an event, by the way?
I don't know.
Normally it'd be like,
oh, we're going to have a game of,
you know what we're going to do?
We're going to play Shiraz on the deck
or we're going to do
some kind of karaoke thing
or there'll be like
a Strictly Come Dancing
type thing that you can enter
or a singing competition.
Whatever.
Where's that come from?
I'm not comparing it to the Tiki Torch of Charlottesville. It's obviously not as bad as that. dance and talking that you can enter or a singing competition whatever where's that come from i'm
not comparing this to the tiki tiki torch of charlottesville uh it's obviously not as bad as
that but it looked like uh it looked like the potence of something that was going to you know
of oblivion it looked like a terrible terrible um tremor one witness part of a group involved
in the trouble explained to staff that things kicked off
when another passenger appeared dressed as a clown.
This upset one of their party
because they'd specifically booked a cruise with no fancy dress.
It led to a violent confrontation.
The UKIP rally on deck was fine, though.
No clowns.
No clowns.
No, we're not having that.
We're not having this lowbrow behaviour.
The thing about that is, what would you do?
I mean, it's terrifying for some families
who apparently have to
lock themselves in their cabins
there's nowhere to go is there
would you just throw
yourself over a ball
straight away
you're not even a great swimmer
would you just throw
yourself over a ball
straight away
I just sort of think
of what kind of
I just would like to think
that it was like a mime
like a sad looking mime
rather than like
a full on clown
it just seems weird
that it's like
oh can you get rid
of that clown make up
because we didn't
you know this cruise
was all about
not dressing as a clown.
Is that clown contraband?
You'd sneak in a clown costume on deck?
Yeah, we'll be checking your bags for those big trousers with the waistband.
Any hilarity?
A honking horn?
How many people are in that car?
How many people are in that ferry?
I knew he was a clown because he feigned to throw a bucket of water over me,
but it was just confetti.
I knew he was a clown because he feigned to throw a bucket of water over me,
but it was just confetti.
The Nationalist Party was about seven hours before the actual fist fight,
so the booze had started to take off.
El Vino did flow.
El Vino did flow.
Just awful. So what did you do over the weekend apart from play video games
and read about this cruise ship fight?
I went out, had a couple of drinks.
How many is a couple?
Are you part of this problem?
I went out with a mate quite late.
I met a friend later.
A couple of friends.
He works in the city and he buys very expensive
shoes. You know there's a certain class of
men who work in the city
who have got nothing to...
I'm sure yours are cheaper than that,
but they've got nothing to talk about apart from watches, cars, shoes,
and shirts because they've got not much else in their lives.
Shirts? Is that a thing, is it?
Yeah, monogrammed shirts, kind of like bespoke tailoring.
I know about the watches.
Yeah, so this guy spends 500 quid on every pair of shoes.
And he, as part of the deal, the 500 quid on every pair of shoes and he
as part of the deal
the 500 quid shoes
you can take them back to the shoe smith
and he can clean them and polish them for you
they're called cobblers mate
for free, well no because they sell the shoes
would you call that a cobbler?
I don't think you'd call it a shoe smith
well I don't know, who makes shoes?
how do you know this person?
a friend of a friend originally
but he's alright.
But yeah, he goes back and he puts one pair of shoes in
and he gets the shoe that he put in earlier on back.
And he sort of drums...
Like a tailor for shoes, basically.
A shoemaker.
Yeah.
And yeah, part of the deal, you can get your shoes shined for free,
yadda yadda yadada, until they fall apart, presumably.
And he invited the person who cleans the shoes out for a drink, this young lass.
He's drawn up some sort of friendship with her.
And I sort of missed this.
And he sort of hung out with the shoe lady for a bit.
Right.
And then the shoe lady was mortified that his,
there was two of them rather than just him himself at this bar.
And so the shoe lady just immediately made her excuses and left without even
having a single drink.
Weird.
Very strange.
And I come into the situation and all people are talking about is a shoe.
Hang on.
Pete Donaldson is going to be it.
I think there's more afoot.
Probably something to do with that.
But yeah,
very,
very strange.
So that was my Friday night
so you went out
so the story is
I went out
I didn't meet a shoemaker
slash shoe cleaner
slash shoe polisher
and then I went home
if there's anyone
that's still listening
after that tale
yeah
it's a poor anecdote
but I mean
you yomping around
the wilds of Cumbria
is hardly up there is it
I had my hiking shoes on
you had your hiking shoes on. Had your hiking shoes on.
Could have marked Eric's.
Ask your mate if he makes them.
500 quid?
No, well, they were not 500 quid, no.
But, um, so you went out for a drink with a friend
who brought along their shoemaker
who disappeared before you arrived.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's a weird thing to bring.
Where did you end up?
Weird person to bring.
Where did you end up?
I just went to, like, a restaurant,
one of those kind of, like, fancy restaurants. Did you see, speaking of, up? I just went to a restaurant, one of those fancy restaurants.
Did you see,
speaking of,
are you a fan of Hawksmore?
I've been on occasion.
Did you see there was a story a while back
that a waiter accidentally gave a punter
a £15,000 bottle of wine?
Nice.
I got a lot of time for that.
Didn't they order a far cheaper one?
That's great PR though, isn't it?
Very easy PR.
You think that's been done on purpose?
Yeah, for £15,000. Yeah, you get a £15,000 worth of market. £10,000 cost price? Yeah. that's great PR though isn't it very easy PR you think that's that's been done on purpose yeah for 15 grand
yeah
you get 15 grand
10 grand cost price
yeah
easy
fair enough
everyone's going to be turned up
thinking they're going to get
a free bottle of
very expensive plonk
well it didn't make me
want to go there
but I'll take your point
are you the sort of person
to frequent a steak restaurant
and have your own knife
on the wall
I didn't know you could do that
yeah
I was in a steak restaurant
monogram knife
I was in a steak restaurant I might have told you this at the yeah. I was in a steak restaurant... Monogram knife. I was in a steak restaurant...
I might have told you this at the time,
but I was in a steak restaurant...
Would have been a year ago, maybe?
In...
I can't remember.
Somewhere in Connecticut.
And they had a big signed letter
and photo of John Madden on the wall.
He makes $3 million a year
for the Madden Games.
Do you know how much money
Michael Buffer's made?
How many times have we talked about this? you know how much money Michael Buffer's made? How many times
have we talked about this?
I don't know.
Michael Buffer
copyrighted and trademarked
Let's Get Ready to Rumble.
Oh, yes, yeah, yeah.
I think you mention that
every third show.
I think I might tell my wife
that every week.
Good Lord.
Every time there's a boxing fight on.
Good Lord.
Anyway, let's take a break,
come back and do some emails.
I've got one about
a neighbourly dispute
that I want to get stuck into
and then one about,
oh yeah, another one about someone
who's got something to contribute on the Hot Springs
nakedness agenda. Please do.
So basically
what I was thinking of was
oh fuck, I can't believe
you've done this. He can't believe he's
done this. Julian Assange there.
An absolute classic. Getting slapped.
Yeah. Emails. Hello at
thecompeteshow.com The first up this time around. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com.
The first up this time around is from Mike.
It's not his real name.
He lives in Sunderland.
Apparently that is his real town.
He's one of your lot, Pete.
And he says,
Hi guys, I need help.
I realise this is not a normal email for you to deal with,
but Luke's story in a recent episode
about having a set-to with his neighbours
has prompted me to ask for your help. It wasn't really a set-to. My cat was going after fledglings. about having a set-to with his neighbours has prompted me to ask for your help.
It wasn't really a set-to.
My cat was going after fledglings.
It was a cat-to.
It was a cat-to, exactly.
And Mike says,
a year ago we cut tall trees down
at one side of the back garden
to make room for our son to play in.
This is going to be a sort of
asking for advice from you, Pete,
so prepare yourself.
The only drawback has been
our neighbours can now look into our garden whenever they want to.
Due to the decking they have on their side bordering our garden.
To give you an idea of how high the decking is.
When they're standing on it, we can see them from the waist up.
Which is awkward enough in itself.
That's like a...
What do you call those people who look after swimmers?
Swimsuit?
No, swim...
Instructor.
No, not swim instructor.
Lifeguard. Yeah, it swim instructor. Lifeguard.
Yeah, it's like a lifeguard.
It's like a lifeguard
kind of platform, that.
Because he says
the fence on their side
is six foot tall.
So I've got a similar situation
with mine
because I live on a hill.
So my garden is higher
than the one to the right.
Yeah.
But lower to the one
on the left.
Yeah.
So I understand what he means.
You shouldn't have drilled
that glory hole, though.
That was unnecessary.
Shouldn't I?
That fence, that's my fence. That's my fence. Not next not next to neighbors it was a natural knot in the wood yeah yeah i just popped it out um he said we get on well with them they don't
seem to understand garden etiquette for example when we have a barbecue they start conversations
at random with different people over the fence friendly see north's friendly that's the thing
see in london you never get that yeah i'm friendly with all my neighbours, but they would never,
they would never sort of,
what's the word I'm looking for?
They never kind of outstayed their worth. It's like home improvement.
Yeah, it's a bit like that.
Wilson with his head over.
He said,
to give you an idea
of the sort of people we're dealing with,
we had them around for dinner once
and just moments before they left,
one of them took a shit in our toilet
before going back to their house
literally next door.
How can we stop them
from peering into our garden
and starting unwanted conversations
without hurting their
feelings?
Any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
Thanks Mike.
What would you do Pete?
Well if Wilson from
Home Improvement
popped over the
covering his face
did a poo
you'd be well within
your rights to go
but no.
Yeah it's hard isn't it?
Can you put like
slug pellets down
but for neighbours?
Poison.
They're massive.
Put poison in there.
It's like those
packing stuff
you get in a box
yeah
I hope they eat them
yeah just
I'm thinking
I would poison one of them
American embassy in Cuba
use that sonic weapon
yes
use a really high pitched thing
yeah
that doesn't
melt their brains
yeah you could do that
I could kill them
it's difficult because
it's difficult because
I think we,
as Brits,
we are very conscious
of appearing rude
to other people.
I almost lost it yesterday
when I was in a petrol station
and there's a guy
in front of me
who had filled up his car
and I was waiting to use it
and he starts rummaging
around his boot.
This is up north
so they're friendly. Bad etiquette. Huh? Bad etiquette, that. around his boot, right? This is up north, so they're friendly.
I don't get...
Huh?
I don't get that.
Well, yeah, this is the thing.
Because you can't get in.
But not only that, right?
I've got places to be.
He sees me and walks over.
I put the window down, and he goes,
I'm sorry, mate, do you want to use the pump?
Of course he...
What am I here for, then?
Of course I want to use it.
You could have been wanting to use the tyre pump.
I almost went, what do you fucking think?
But I didn't.
I went, yes, please. Yes, please. Can I have went, what do you fucking think? But I didn't. I went, yes please.
Yes please, can I have some petrol? Thank you.
So maybe you could put up a big
one of those windbreaks you get from the beach, put that up
on the fence to make it higher. And with the
words no peeping written on it in
Sharpie. Who knows?
It's a difficult situation, but I think Mike,
which is not your real name, maybe you could
keep us posted on what happens.
Make a pass at the lady of the house
don't do that
why
what does make a pass mean
just say
do you fancy it
in the downstairs toilet
and then they'd never
want to talk to you again
the last thing they did
in the downstairs toilet
was an absolute disgrace
you cannot go up
to a next door neighbour
and say to them
do you fancy it
it could mean anything
yeah
do you fancy it
in the downstairs loo.
And she'd be like, she'd be horrified.
He'd never want to speak to you again, if not want to fight you.
But then the thing is... The problem is
sorted. Not in 2019. Hashtag
me too. Well, no, you can make
a pass that sounds like
touching, but I guess it isn't, is it? It's like,
it's a, do you fancy a bit of a...
I presume that was what was making
a pass. Where's that voice come from? Do you fancy making a love? It's not appropriate to, do you fancy a bit of a, I presume that was what was making a pass. Where's that voice come from?
Oh, do you fancy making a love?
It's not appropriate to proposition someone you don't know and ask them if they want to have sex with you.
Well, they clearly do know if they're getting up all up in their garden.
So they do know.
If they're going to build a platform so you can see them all the time,
you're well within your rights to make a terrible pass at someone.
Making a pass is presumably just hi there
do you fancy
getting together
sometimes?
Where's that voice come from?
That's my making a pass noise.
Do you fancy
getting together?
My mum maintains
that when
my dad
back in the younger days
when my dad used to get bored
of guests
who would come over for dinner
he would
in the middle of the evening
or towards the end of the evening
Set the smoke alarm off.
No he would literally
just say
right I'm off to bed.
Great to see you.
See you later.
I just leave my mum there.
Yeah, that's
wonderful behaviour.
Yeah.
It's your house.
Yeah.
Would your dad do that?
I think he'd invite
people over just so
he could get a bit
of peace and quiet
because he'd invite
people over and then
go, right, I'm off to bed
knowing full well that
my mum wouldn't,
you know, she'd be preoccupied. Your dad goes to bed knowing full well that my mum wouldn't, you know,
she'd be preoccupied.
Your dad goes to bed
like 4pm though.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
He's a midnight man.
Have you got an email there, Peter?
I've got an email.
It's about bees,
as promised,
my friends.
I don't mind bees,
but I've got to stand by a wasp
as you know,
so this is particularly difficult
for me to listen to.
Silas says,
a quick one.
We had bees,
we had a bees nest
in our chimney.
So as you do,
my mum called the village
amateur beekeeper.
It's written armature here, but I presume it's amateur beekeeper.
When I left for work, he said it shouldn't be an issue.
I'll just smoke them and remove the nest safely to a new location.
When I returned home, the whole house was swarming with bees.
Frank Spencer on the job.
I found him submerging the nest in the river
next to our house
so I had to
terminate the queen
and destroy the nest
your parents and sisters
are at my house
waiting for the swamp
to calm down
he's made it worse
he's had a nightmare there
just so you know
if you do hire me
there is a chance
I could make it
a lot worse
yeah your house
is one big beehive
now I've read
it's a hot potato
though because
if it's bees
you probably don't want to exterminate them because they're very important.
Right.
So I think that is the right call to call a beekeeper.
If it's in your house, though, I mean, come on.
What possible qualifications do you need to keep bees anywhere?
My father-in-law, Larry, the great LC,
he actually had to go and remove a swarm of bees from a school recently.
Right.
And he did it with smoke and did it all properly and got them all away.
I mean, I thought it might be just a big gun.
Yeah, just shot them out the air.
Shot out the air.
Yeah, one bullet per bee.
Sharp shoulder.
So I wonder how long the swarm took to calm down.
I don't know.
A few days, you'd imagine.
Yeah, put a bit of Jazz FM on.
Put a bit of...
Everyone just chill out, yeah?
Yeah, a bit of magic on.
What about this from Jay?
This is a good one, Pete.
This is referencing the earlier chat about uh
hot springs nakedness um jay says hi guys i have a story to contribute to pete's chat about getting
a face full of genitalia at japanese hot springs it's okay a few years back i visited some remote
hot springs in the mountains along the california coast they're located 10 miles inland through some
steep trails so it was a weekend trip for us to camp out and make the most of it.
The first time I went with some friends,
we arrived at the Springs to see that it was occupied by four middle-aged folks,
two men and two women.
Upon seeing us,
they did not hesitate to get out and let us enjoy the Springs as they had been
there all day.
While we were getting used to the water,
the older men were staying there and telling us jokes.
Oh,
but they were not yet fully clothed
I was sitting at
the edge of the
spring and one of
the men was less
than a foot from
me t-shirt on and
nothing else
he was shirt
cocking it
a la Winnie the
Pooh
a la Donald Duck
with every joke he
told he would
laugh heartily and
his penis would
gyrate mere inches
from my face
I always thought it
was an odd choice
for him to put the
t-shirt on first in
this situation
and the image has
always stuck with me
wow
that's the thing isn't it because if you're completely naked that's the
contract everyone knows yeah if you've put a t-shirt on you've gone you know what i've made
the gesture here that i probably should be putting my clothes on but that's the least offensive part
of my body don't stop well it depends if you've got any wounds um but is that giving you some
ptsd sort of flashbacks a little bit yeah i'm imagining, why are nudists always incredibly tanned?
Well, I know why, because they've been out in the sun.
And they just take constant holiday.
You've asked the wrong question.
Yeah, exactly.
Ricky Gervais says, doesn't he, in one of his stand-ups, he says,
look, when you see men at a naturist kind of thing,
all they really need to do is just cut a hole in their jeans
around their cock and balls.
That's all they want to get out.
Because everything else, a man can walk around,
there's no problem, is there? That's basically all they want to get out because everything else a man can walk around and there's no problem is there
that's basically what I do
isn't it
have you ever been to
a naturist beach or anything
no
I've very
you know
a few
I mean again
like the onsen's completely naked
so I don't really care
about that sort of thing
but yeah
I've no problems
with getting in the nud
but no
I find it all
just a bit short I don't like people peacocking at the best of times I think it's stupid so I think if you relate them getting in the nut and nut, but no, I find it all just a bit short.
I don't like people peacocking at the best of times.
I think it's stupid.
See, I think if you relate this back to the cruise ship brawl,
if everyone on that cruise ship had to be naked,
there's almost zero chance they'd ever fight.
True.
People ain't going to be fighting when they've got their cock and balls out.
It's always men fighting, isn't it?
Would you continue the clown makeup, though, down south?
Because if the clowns are
choosing to present
that face to the world
what are they doing
elsewhere
that's all I'm saying
well you reckon
the nose
you mean the nose
well do you reckon
like a professional clown
I mean presumably
at some point
they will have put
some kind of
grease paint on their
todge
completely white
and a red
bulb
my dad's friend
I don't know if he still
sees him
has a tattoo where he's got two eyes
and a nose and the
belly button is his mouth.
He needs to put a cigarette in the belly button. There is
nothing funnier. I don't know why he would do that.
It's a really long term solution
to a short term joke. No one's
going to be happy with that joke. After a year
everyone's going to be like yeah great joke. There is nothing funnier
look I'm only on board
with this man's tattoo if he has got a gigantic top hat
that covers his arms and head and torso
so that his mouth...
Like the bass player from Rage Against the Machine.
Yeah, a little bit.
Just a big top hat and a belly with a face drawn on it
is the funniest thing that could possibly exist.
It is wonderful.
Very, very enjoyable.
Very enjoyable.
We got an email from Chris.
It's a naughty one.
Strap yourselves in, guys.
Pete, I mean, what sort
of level are we talking here? I gave you
the gist of it and you said it was okay to read, alright?
So, your funeral sunshine. It's on me, is it?
I was listening to episode 188 and the enthralling
tale of an otter raping a baby
seal, a sentence I never thought I'd type
and write. I thought I'd share my own
recent encounter of naughty animals.
Having been to the Anne Frank house,
I was suitably somber
walking the canals of Amsterdam
with my partner.
We noticed a kerfuffle in the water
and proceeded to snigger
as we thought,
what we thought were two seagulls
going at it.
Alas, it became evident
that the female gull
no longer wanted to partake in the act.
The male, however,
was staunchly committed and we watched in horror as he proceeded to break the female gull no longer wanted to partake in the act. The male, however, was staunchly committed and was watching horror
as he proceeded to break the female's wing,
hold its head underwater to stop her getting away.
The female tried very hard to escape with no success
and as the male finished his deed,
he then flew up to the top of the highest building in view to look on
and his victim was unable to fly out of the water
so she swam down the canal looking for a place to get out.
I had been briefed to see some seedy happenings in the city
but this was not one I prepared for.
Other than that, though, lovely place, very tidy, great food.
Yeah.
Animals are horrible, aren't they, Luke?
They really are bloody horrible.
That is horrific.
Yes.
The animal kingdom can be an unforgiving place.
Even in the canals of Amsterdam.
Even in the cultural conurbation that is Amsterdam.
Someone posted a great thing
on Twitter yesterday.
Great Jewish museum.
Saying,
those of you who think
that homosexuality
is in quotes unnatural
might be interested
in watching this video
of my two cockatoos,
both male,
going at it hammer and tongs
for the last hour.
The best thing is
some of the replies are going,
are they really gay?
And he said,
yeah,
there's literally two other female cockatoos,
but they are just not interested.
They just love a bomb.
I don't want that.
Love a bomb.
And there was also, I'm going to say,
a frankly absolutely horrific video
that someone sent to the Luke and Pete Show Twitter,
at Luke and Pete Show,
of a woman trying to feed a dolphin a fish.
The dolphin jumped out and basically started trying to hump her.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about. Not great. Not great. It's probably that one that was used to getting all the handies trying to feed a dolphin a fish and the dolphin jumped out and basically started trying to hump her. Yeah. Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Not great.
Not great.
It's probably that one
that was used to getting all the handies
from that scientist.
Thanks for all the handies.
Yeah.
Is that a suicide note?
I liked that Cypress Cypriot,
was he some kind of holy man?
One of those quite wild Christian churches.
He said that gay men,
and presumably men as well,
Oh yeah, I saw this, yeah.
are created because the mother enjoys unnatural,
and let me be clear, anal sex.
While she's pregnant.
While she's pregnant.
Yeah.
I mean, that man is not a man of science.
No.
I would like to,
if we're talking about animals being naughty,
the ultimate,
and I'm going to ask the listening public
to help me with this,
and we'll put it out
to you guys,
the listeners,
hello at lukeandpeach.com
if you know the answer to this.
There was an amazing show,
a documentary show,
it was either a whole episode
or a little section
within an episode
of a guy
who had like a pet honey badger.
And it was the naughtiest,
most intelligent,
mental animal
to the point where
he couldn't keep it
in any cage because it kept getting out and tearing through the bins and killing other animals. Sorry point where he couldn't keep it in any cage
because it kept getting out
and tearing through the bins
and killing other animals
sorry if you can't keep
something in a cage
you shouldn't have
any animals near you
he
mate
it was a honey badger
right
you know honey badgers
actively pursue snakes
to fight them
literally fucking lock
lock it
with a lock
I think it might have been
called stoofer
stoofer
I think it might have been called stooffer. Stouffer? I think it might
have been called
Stouffer.
Like Harry Hill's
cat?
Yeah, yeah.
I think so.
Oh, Stouffer.
Anyway, it was
brilliant.
It was doing
things like
building itself
like an ersatz
ladder to climb
out of the pen
it was in.
I watch the
Lockpicking Lawyer
on YouTube and
there are many
fallible aspects
of most locks
in circulation.
So you talk about this every third episode as well.
There is no excuse for not getting an adequate lock
to keep your honey badger inside.
If you can't keep a honey badger in a cage,
you shouldn't be a grown-up.
If you take one thing from this episode,
just one thing,
if you do find yourself responsible
for looking after a honey badger...
Buy a decent lock.
Speak to the lock picking lawyer.
Exactly.
Find a lock that he cannot pick and use that to keep your honey badger safe.
Right, that's about all the time we've got for this Monday episode.
Episode 189 of the Luke and Pete show.
It's been a bloody pleasure.
Peter, anything to add?
We'll be back on Thursday.
We will.
What are we going to talk about on Thursday?
Probably sex.
Yeah.
This was a Radio Stakhanov production.
The only seagull I've ever seen doing
Sonic It Shouldn't was that one that stole that packet
of crisps from that shop.
Naughty seagull.