The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 189: Fighting on cruise ships

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Happy Monday! This time on your all-new episode of The Luke and Pete Show, Luke's been to the Lake District, and Pete has been out for a drink with his friend and his friend's cobbler. Yes, really. We're not sure what to make of that either.Elsewhere, there's wasp stings, talk of a huge brawl started by a clown on a cruise ship, and lots of animals being naughty. We also answer a question from a listener who is getting a load of hassle from his neighbours. And, before we pop off, there's a chance to hear from someone who had a similar experience to Pete in a naked spa. LEEEEEROY JENKINS!***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leroy Jenkins Leroy Jenkins, Luke Moore there and Pete Donaldson, responsible World of Warcraft member of the party Yes You reminded me of Leroy Jenkins yesterday You were saying it was an absolute stone cold classic Mimi and I were playing it through our car's media system

on YouTube was she familiar with the work she wasn't no so it was always nice to introduce her Roy Jenkins

and he says at the end at least I've got chicken yeah I'm so high right now Luke and Pete show episode 189 Peter I got stung by a wasp on my way in today

oh I got stung by rather the aggressive prices of the cafe within the building that we're working in. Yeah. Why did you do that? Well, I'll set the scene for you. Okay. When you say, why did you do that?

Why did you do that, mate? Why did you do that? I don't feel like I had a huge input into it. I was standing on the platform in West Norwood in South London, and there are trees that hang over the platform. Right. I was waiting for the train. I felt something fall onto my head.

I thought it was like a leaf or something. So I just put my hand up to it. Just a pissed up wasp. To wipe it off. And it was a wasp and it stung me

right on the finger. I mean, if I was going to say that any part of your body that resembles a wasp's nest, it would be definitely your hair. Because wasp's nests

are otherworldly and curly, aren't they? They're very curly-whirly. If you come across a big wasp's nest, it looks a bit like a portal. It's horrible, isn't it? Yeah. There are some kind of old sheds.

I think somebody had a shed where they kept some mannequins, I think, and a group of delinquent wasps had taken over and built a nest wow it looked like something very spooky indeed so yeah I feel like we talked

about this maybe before have we? maybe can I introduce you to the video game Mordor yeah you've definitely talked about that

I've talked about that on the video game Mordor I've talked about that on the Football Rumble Discord we don't have a Discord server for Luke and Pete

but maybe in the future we will maybe did you have a good weekend, mate? Yeah, I played Mordor. Did you really? I did play a bit of Mordor. No, we've not sparred

with this before because I played it for the first time last night. I got reacquainted for an hour and a half with a bit of video games and you know what? I bloody enjoyed it.

The only reason I know or care whether we've talked about something like that before is because you get people talking about it in the reviews. Oh, they've mentioned stuff I've mentioned before.

Yeah, no, I've never mentioned they'll give you again more door. Here's the people, to the haters out there,

give yourself a favour. Suck my dick. first of all, suck Pete's dick. Get it down there. After that, go around your friend's house.

No, work the balls. After you've listened to this, go to a friend's house, not even the friends you like that much, right,

and you don't spend, you spend way too much time with and talk to them for half an hour, do that twice a week, every week for two years and then tell us whether you've had the same conversation more than once. I mean, that's very much our deal. We've got to avoid that. They don't have to worry about it because they're not

producing a podcast from their speech. No, but I think they should have empathy. With our position. We're churning stuff out here. Don't say churn. We're churning wasps' nests of content out. Wispy wasps' nests. It's not churning. We are...

Fibres. We are mining content. Shit-coining. Shit-coining mining. I got... Yes, I got a stand-by wasp. That was a fairly inauspicious start to the day. Did you put vinegar on it?

No. Because, obviously, wasps is vinegar. Bees is... What was bees? Bicarb is it yeah because one sting is quite acidic

and the other one is quite alkali well the wasp sting is an interesting situation I think because as far as I know you can still get stung by a wasp

after it's dead right and then also isn't there a pheromone in the wasp sting that attracts the wasps in the area

to try and help wasps in your area milfs in your area yeah so I just got I saw the pop up I just got strapped on the train it's like get me out of here

get out of here they'll be on me and guess what was sat opposite me on the train a milf a massive wasp a massive mother for fuck's sake

a mother wasp yeah a wilf well there'll be an email there'll be an email about bees a little bit later on so look out for that it's like you're pre-promoting

that's me pre-promoting the second half of the show you've always been famously solid and you're Fen-promoting that's me pre-promoting the second half of the show you've always been famously solid in your Fenian you have been famously Fenian you've always been famously

solid in your unwillingness to behave like a proper broadcaster and promote stuff coming up proper broadcaster you heard me couple of shifts on Talkspot

by yourself grow up I've been on the radio feed 10 years with co-hosts that are much better than me more like I stopped using off air so you just played video I went to Cartmel in the Lake District I've been on the radio for 10 years. With co-hosts that are much better than me. More like. I stopped using off air.

So you just played video. I went to Cartmel in the Lake District. Where the hell is Cartmel? It sounds like a yoghurt. It's in your favourite county. What? Cumbria. Cumbria.

County Cumbria. And it was beautiful. I went there, took my wife there for her birthday. Coydon, Cumbria. Went to Long Clume. Okay. These are our words now. Beautiful restaurant.

Very nice it was. Such a beautiful are all just words now. Beautiful restaurant. Very nice it was. Such a beautiful restaurant. Yeah. Such a beautiful restaurant. As Bono famously sang, it's a beautiful restaurant. And we went for a hike, got lost.

That was okay. Did you have GPS? Did you have your phones charged? Oh no. Yeah, I had my phone, but there's not really much reception. This is a disaster, man. Do you know what I do in that situation?

Scream. So we followed do in that situation scream and cry we followed this map that the hotel gave us for a nice walk went a few miles got lost because I thought I personally felt

the map instructions were quite vague and Mimi's very very good in terms of sense of direction and she found it vague as well so it's not just on me and we just thought you know what

we're going to keep walking at some point we'll come to a village and we did and the village turned out to be about 45 minute walk from where we were so we walked back from that village it was fine it was good i a lot of sheep i am um renowned for um getting people lost but also i i'm also um very very keen on my sense of direction in that i don't understand why people wouldn't like if you've got to go somewhere that's like kind of southwest would you not travel start traveling in one of those directions just to get

roughly need to closer to where you are like people sort of spend their time just looking they'll start the journey and they'll know they've got to go south or south slightly southwest yeah and they will look at their phone immediately then the next road they will look at their phone immediately and they will look at their phone immediately after that and it's like just head south and then you know you can you can refine your direction a little bit later on welcome back to the uh luke and pete show with myself luke moore and our guest host today sir ranulph fines orienteerer extraordinaire yeah uh pathfinder i'll let you know how to um find yourself some old mushrooms to eat in the countryside what you're talking

about there doesn't work though because you, I mean, clearly you can fairly easily, not fairly easily actually because it was really cloudy and rainy on that day. So you, Follow the stars. You can't follow the sun path or anything like that.

No. But you can't just walk directly south because you're going to come to a lake or a mountain or something in the way. Yeah,

but then you just walk around the lake and went, right, where was I? Yeah, you're making this sound a lot easier than I know you know it isn't.

You need to bring some string, some red string so you can go back. You're talking to a man who has spent several evenings with you in cities all over the world and you've probably got lost in every single one of them or you've disappeared at some point. I'm not lost, are I? I've got Wanda lost and I'm pissed. Not all who wonder are lost if you don't know

where I am I'll be back at the hotel I'm the master of the French exit people get really upset about that what's the French exit you just don't tell

anyone you're leaving because if you tell someone you're leaving some of your dickhead friends will go not because I'm brilliant or anything but they'll go

no stay stay you gotta stay I'm going home I've done my drinking for the night I think we both know who you're referring to there don't we who we

both know who you're referring to there who Alex Anzala no in our in our group oh in our group yeah oh yeah I mean yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's possibly worse than Alex to be

honest yeah my friend insatiable insatiable um an insatiable thirst so I'd love to be starving like this country carmel's a beautiful part of the world I'd recommend it it's nice up District Cartmel's a beautiful part of the world I'd recommend it

it's nice up there the restaurant was obviously beautiful I've posted some photos on the old Insta so you can have a look at that did you hashtag travel them obviously

did you hashtag more eats what was the one you were using more food more food Pete are you a regular reader an influencer

yes I am I suspect the answer I know the answer to this are you a regular reader of the influencer? Yes, I am. I suspect the answer. I know the answer to this. Are you a regular reader of the website Jim Walker's Cruise Law News? What? Cruise Law News? Yeah. Everything cruise lines don't want you to know.

Oh, okay. I know what this is about, Cole. Violent brawl breaks out on P&O's Britannia. My goodness me, this is pretty good stuff. Pretty hot stuff. I'm not going to belittle ferry disasters. It's not a disaster. It's a people in a fight.

No, but if we'd lost that ferry, what would we have lost? Oh, right. Fundamentally. If it had taken on a lot of water, what would we have lost?

So apparently, on the final leg of a week-long cruise to Norway's fjords, there was trouble at 2am when there's a big fire. According to witnesses there was blood everywhere.

Britannia staff had to intervene as passengers were using furniture and plates as weapons. Witnesses told reporter Richard Gaisford that people were so frightened they had to hide as different family groups fought all over the vessel. Daily Mail reported that nine passengers were injured.

A booze-fuelled patriotic event had occurred on the cruise ship earlier that day. I think we all know what that means. What do you mean? A booze-fuelled patriotic event. There is a video of... Oh, I've not seen the video. Oh, you've not seen the video?

No, talk us through it. There is a video of basically the... What do you call a top? The deck. The top deck with the pool and all that. The poop deck. Basically, looks like a top? The deck. The top deck with the pool and all that. The poop deck. Basically, looks like a thousand people

on deck all enjoying the aforementioned patriotic party where everyone is waving the Union Jack and they're playing Come on Eileen

by Dexys Midnight Runners and I refer you to my previous comment if it had taken on water would we have lost anything fundamentally? It looked fucking awful.

It looked awful, Luke. I stuck on the WhatsApp. It is awful. Just describe why it's so awful, because people are having a nice time and like to wave British flags around. It looked like a Nigel Farage wank fantasy. I'm interested.

Keep going. Keep talking. It was awful. Why are they going to Norway? To the beautiful fjords? Who's organised that as an event, by the way? I don't know.

Normally it'd be like, oh, we're going to have a game of, you know what we're going to do? We're going to play Shiraz on the deck or we're going to do some kind of karaoke thing or there'll be like a Strictly Come Dancing

type thing that you can enter or a singing competition. Whatever. Where's that come from? I'm not comparing it to the Tiki Torch of Charlottesville. It's obviously not as bad as that. dance and talking that you can enter or a singing competition whatever where's that come from i'm not comparing this to the tiki tiki torch of charlottesville uh it's obviously not as bad as that but it looked like uh it looked like the potence of something that was going to you know of oblivion it looked like a terrible terrible um tremor one witness part of a group involved

in the trouble explained to staff that things kicked off when another passenger appeared dressed as a clown. This upset one of their party because they'd specifically booked a cruise with no fancy dress. It led to a violent confrontation. The UKIP rally on deck was fine, though. No clowns. No clowns.

No, we're not having that. We're not having this lowbrow behaviour. The thing about that is, what would you do? I mean, it's terrifying for some families who apparently have to lock themselves in their cabins there's nowhere to go is there would you just throw

yourself over a ball straight away you're not even a great swimmer would you just throw yourself over a ball straight away I just sort of think of what kind of

I just would like to think that it was like a mime like a sad looking mime rather than like a full on clown it just seems weird that it's like oh can you get rid

of that clown make up because we didn't you know this cruise was all about not dressing as a clown. Is that clown contraband? You'd sneak in a clown costume on deck? Yeah, we'll be checking your bags for those big trousers with the waistband.

Any hilarity? A honking horn? How many people are in that car? How many people are in that ferry? I knew he was a clown because he feigned to throw a bucket of water over me, but it was just confetti. I knew he was a clown because he feigned to throw a bucket of water over me, but it was just confetti.

The Nationalist Party was about seven hours before the actual fist fight, so the booze had started to take off. El Vino did flow. El Vino did flow. Just awful. So what did you do over the weekend apart from play video games and read about this cruise ship fight? I went out, had a couple of drinks. How many is a couple?

Are you part of this problem? I went out with a mate quite late. I met a friend later. A couple of friends. He works in the city and he buys very expensive shoes. You know there's a certain class of men who work in the city who have got nothing to...

I'm sure yours are cheaper than that, but they've got nothing to talk about apart from watches, cars, shoes, and shirts because they've got not much else in their lives. Shirts? Is that a thing, is it? Yeah, monogrammed shirts, kind of like bespoke tailoring. I know about the watches. Yeah, so this guy spends 500 quid on every pair of shoes. And he, as part of the deal, the 500 quid on every pair of shoes and he

as part of the deal the 500 quid shoes you can take them back to the shoe smith and he can clean them and polish them for you they're called cobblers mate for free, well no because they sell the shoes would you call that a cobbler? I don't think you'd call it a shoe smith

well I don't know, who makes shoes? how do you know this person? a friend of a friend originally but he's alright. But yeah, he goes back and he puts one pair of shoes in and he gets the shoe that he put in earlier on back. And he sort of drums... Like a tailor for shoes, basically.

A shoemaker. Yeah. And yeah, part of the deal, you can get your shoes shined for free, yadda yadda yadada, until they fall apart, presumably. And he invited the person who cleans the shoes out for a drink, this young lass. He's drawn up some sort of friendship with her. And I sort of missed this. And he sort of hung out with the shoe lady for a bit.

Right. And then the shoe lady was mortified that his, there was two of them rather than just him himself at this bar. And so the shoe lady just immediately made her excuses and left without even having a single drink. Weird. Very strange. And I come into the situation and all people are talking about is a shoe.

Hang on. Pete Donaldson is going to be it. I think there's more afoot. Probably something to do with that. But yeah, very, very strange. So that was my Friday night

so you went out so the story is I went out I didn't meet a shoemaker slash shoe cleaner slash shoe polisher and then I went home if there's anyone

that's still listening after that tale yeah it's a poor anecdote but I mean you yomping around the wilds of Cumbria is hardly up there is it

I had my hiking shoes on you had your hiking shoes on. Had your hiking shoes on. Could have marked Eric's. Ask your mate if he makes them. 500 quid? No, well, they were not 500 quid, no. But, um, so you went out for a drink with a friend who brought along their shoemaker

who disappeared before you arrived. Yeah. Okay. That's a weird thing to bring. Where did you end up? Weird person to bring. Where did you end up? I just went to, like, a restaurant,

one of those kind of, like, fancy restaurants. Did you see, speaking of, up? I just went to a restaurant, one of those fancy restaurants. Did you see, speaking of, are you a fan of Hawksmore? I've been on occasion. Did you see there was a story a while back that a waiter accidentally gave a punter a £15,000 bottle of wine?

Nice. I got a lot of time for that. Didn't they order a far cheaper one? That's great PR though, isn't it? Very easy PR. You think that's been done on purpose? Yeah, for £15,000. Yeah, you get a £15,000 worth of market. £10,000 cost price? Yeah. that's great PR though isn't it very easy PR you think that's that's been done on purpose yeah for 15 grand yeah

you get 15 grand 10 grand cost price yeah easy fair enough everyone's going to be turned up thinking they're going to get a free bottle of

very expensive plonk well it didn't make me want to go there but I'll take your point are you the sort of person to frequent a steak restaurant and have your own knife on the wall

I didn't know you could do that yeah I was in a steak restaurant monogram knife I was in a steak restaurant I might have told you this at the yeah. I was in a steak restaurant... Monogram knife. I was in a steak restaurant... I might have told you this at the time, but I was in a steak restaurant... Would have been a year ago, maybe?

In... I can't remember. Somewhere in Connecticut. And they had a big signed letter and photo of John Madden on the wall. He makes $3 million a year for the Madden Games. Do you know how much money

Michael Buffer's made? How many times have we talked about this? you know how much money Michael Buffer's made? How many times have we talked about this? I don't know. Michael Buffer copyrighted and trademarked Let's Get Ready to Rumble. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah.

I think you mention that every third show. I think I might tell my wife that every week. Good Lord. Every time there's a boxing fight on. Good Lord. Anyway, let's take a break,

come back and do some emails. I've got one about a neighbourly dispute that I want to get stuck into and then one about, oh yeah, another one about someone who's got something to contribute on the Hot Springs nakedness agenda. Please do.

So basically what I was thinking of was oh fuck, I can't believe you've done this. He can't believe he's done this. Julian Assange there. An absolute classic. Getting slapped. Yeah. Emails. Hello at thecompeteshow.com The first up this time around. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com.

The first up this time around is from Mike. It's not his real name. He lives in Sunderland. Apparently that is his real town. He's one of your lot, Pete. And he says, Hi guys, I need help. I realise this is not a normal email for you to deal with,

but Luke's story in a recent episode about having a set-to with his neighbours has prompted me to ask for your help. It wasn't really a set-to. My cat was going after fledglings. about having a set-to with his neighbours has prompted me to ask for your help. It wasn't really a set-to. My cat was going after fledglings. It was a cat-to. It was a cat-to, exactly. And Mike says,

a year ago we cut tall trees down at one side of the back garden to make room for our son to play in. This is going to be a sort of asking for advice from you, Pete, so prepare yourself. The only drawback has been our neighbours can now look into our garden whenever they want to.

Due to the decking they have on their side bordering our garden. To give you an idea of how high the decking is. When they're standing on it, we can see them from the waist up. Which is awkward enough in itself. That's like a... What do you call those people who look after swimmers? Swimsuit? No, swim...

Instructor. No, not swim instructor. Lifeguard. Yeah, it swim instructor. Lifeguard. Yeah, it's like a lifeguard. It's like a lifeguard kind of platform, that. Because he says the fence on their side

is six foot tall. So I've got a similar situation with mine because I live on a hill. So my garden is higher than the one to the right. Yeah. But lower to the one

on the left. Yeah. So I understand what he means. You shouldn't have drilled that glory hole, though. That was unnecessary. Shouldn't I? That fence, that's my fence. That's my fence. Not next not next to neighbors it was a natural knot in the wood yeah yeah i just popped it out um he said we get on well with them they don't

seem to understand garden etiquette for example when we have a barbecue they start conversations at random with different people over the fence friendly see north's friendly that's the thing see in london you never get that yeah i'm friendly with all my neighbours, but they would never, they would never sort of, what's the word I'm looking for? They never kind of outstayed their worth. It's like home improvement. Yeah, it's a bit like that. Wilson with his head over.

He said, to give you an idea of the sort of people we're dealing with, we had them around for dinner once and just moments before they left, one of them took a shit in our toilet before going back to their house literally next door.

How can we stop them from peering into our garden and starting unwanted conversations without hurting their feelings? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Mike.

What would you do Pete? Well if Wilson from Home Improvement popped over the covering his face did a poo you'd be well within your rights to go

but no. Yeah it's hard isn't it? Can you put like slug pellets down but for neighbours? Poison. They're massive. Put poison in there.

It's like those packing stuff you get in a box yeah I hope they eat them yeah just I'm thinking I would poison one of them

American embassy in Cuba use that sonic weapon yes use a really high pitched thing yeah that doesn't melt their brains yeah you could do that

I could kill them it's difficult because it's difficult because I think we, as Brits, we are very conscious of appearing rude to other people.

I almost lost it yesterday when I was in a petrol station and there's a guy in front of me who had filled up his car and I was waiting to use it and he starts rummaging around his boot.

This is up north so they're friendly. Bad etiquette. Huh? Bad etiquette, that. around his boot, right? This is up north, so they're friendly. I don't get... Huh? I don't get that. Well, yeah, this is the thing. Because you can't get in. But not only that, right?

I've got places to be. He sees me and walks over. I put the window down, and he goes, I'm sorry, mate, do you want to use the pump? Of course he... What am I here for, then? Of course I want to use it. You could have been wanting to use the tyre pump.

I almost went, what do you fucking think? But I didn't. I went, yes, please. Yes, please. Can I have went, what do you fucking think? But I didn't. I went, yes please. Yes please, can I have some petrol? Thank you. So maybe you could put up a big one of those windbreaks you get from the beach, put that up on the fence to make it higher. And with the words no peeping written on it in

Sharpie. Who knows? It's a difficult situation, but I think Mike, which is not your real name, maybe you could keep us posted on what happens. Make a pass at the lady of the house don't do that why what does make a pass mean

just say do you fancy it in the downstairs toilet and then they'd never want to talk to you again the last thing they did in the downstairs toilet was an absolute disgrace

you cannot go up to a next door neighbour and say to them do you fancy it it could mean anything yeah do you fancy it in the downstairs loo.

And she'd be like, she'd be horrified. He'd never want to speak to you again, if not want to fight you. But then the thing is... The problem is sorted. Not in 2019. Hashtag me too. Well, no, you can make a pass that sounds like touching, but I guess it isn't, is it? It's like, it's a, do you fancy a bit of a...

I presume that was what was making a pass. Where's that voice come from? Do you fancy making a love? It's not appropriate to, do you fancy a bit of a, I presume that was what was making a pass. Where's that voice come from? Oh, do you fancy making a love? It's not appropriate to proposition someone you don't know and ask them if they want to have sex with you. Well, they clearly do know if they're getting up all up in their garden. So they do know. If they're going to build a platform so you can see them all the time, you're well within your rights to make a terrible pass at someone.

Making a pass is presumably just hi there do you fancy getting together sometimes? Where's that voice come from? That's my making a pass noise. Do you fancy getting together?

My mum maintains that when my dad back in the younger days when my dad used to get bored of guests who would come over for dinner he would

in the middle of the evening or towards the end of the evening Set the smoke alarm off. No he would literally just say right I'm off to bed. Great to see you. See you later.

I just leave my mum there. Yeah, that's wonderful behaviour. Yeah. It's your house. Yeah. Would your dad do that? I think he'd invite

people over just so he could get a bit of peace and quiet because he'd invite people over and then go, right, I'm off to bed knowing full well that my mum wouldn't,

you know, she'd be preoccupied. Your dad goes to bed knowing full well that my mum wouldn't, you know, she'd be preoccupied. Your dad goes to bed like 4pm though. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He's a midnight man. Have you got an email there, Peter?

I've got an email. It's about bees, as promised, my friends. I don't mind bees, but I've got to stand by a wasp as you know, so this is particularly difficult

for me to listen to. Silas says, a quick one. We had bees, we had a bees nest in our chimney. So as you do, my mum called the village

amateur beekeeper. It's written armature here, but I presume it's amateur beekeeper. When I left for work, he said it shouldn't be an issue. I'll just smoke them and remove the nest safely to a new location. When I returned home, the whole house was swarming with bees. Frank Spencer on the job. I found him submerging the nest in the river next to our house

so I had to terminate the queen and destroy the nest your parents and sisters are at my house waiting for the swamp to calm down he's made it worse

he's had a nightmare there just so you know if you do hire me there is a chance I could make it a lot worse yeah your house is one big beehive

now I've read it's a hot potato though because if it's bees you probably don't want to exterminate them because they're very important. Right. So I think that is the right call to call a beekeeper. If it's in your house, though, I mean, come on.

What possible qualifications do you need to keep bees anywhere? My father-in-law, Larry, the great LC, he actually had to go and remove a swarm of bees from a school recently. Right. And he did it with smoke and did it all properly and got them all away. I mean, I thought it might be just a big gun. Yeah, just shot them out the air. Shot out the air.

Yeah, one bullet per bee. Sharp shoulder. So I wonder how long the swarm took to calm down. I don't know. A few days, you'd imagine. Yeah, put a bit of Jazz FM on. Put a bit of... Everyone just chill out, yeah?

Yeah, a bit of magic on. What about this from Jay? This is a good one, Pete. This is referencing the earlier chat about uh hot springs nakedness um jay says hi guys i have a story to contribute to pete's chat about getting a face full of genitalia at japanese hot springs it's okay a few years back i visited some remote hot springs in the mountains along the california coast they're located 10 miles inland through some steep trails so it was a weekend trip for us to camp out and make the most of it.

The first time I went with some friends, we arrived at the Springs to see that it was occupied by four middle-aged folks, two men and two women. Upon seeing us, they did not hesitate to get out and let us enjoy the Springs as they had been there all day. While we were getting used to the water, the older men were staying there and telling us jokes.

Oh, but they were not yet fully clothed I was sitting at the edge of the spring and one of the men was less than a foot from me t-shirt on and

nothing else he was shirt cocking it a la Winnie the Pooh a la Donald Duck with every joke he told he would

laugh heartily and his penis would gyrate mere inches from my face I always thought it was an odd choice for him to put the t-shirt on first in

this situation and the image has always stuck with me wow that's the thing isn't it because if you're completely naked that's the contract everyone knows yeah if you've put a t-shirt on you've gone you know what i've made the gesture here that i probably should be putting my clothes on but that's the least offensive part of my body don't stop well it depends if you've got any wounds um but is that giving you some

ptsd sort of flashbacks a little bit yeah i'm imagining, why are nudists always incredibly tanned? Well, I know why, because they've been out in the sun. And they just take constant holiday. You've asked the wrong question. Yeah, exactly. Ricky Gervais says, doesn't he, in one of his stand-ups, he says, look, when you see men at a naturist kind of thing, all they really need to do is just cut a hole in their jeans

around their cock and balls. That's all they want to get out. Because everything else, a man can walk around, there's no problem, is there? That's basically all they want to get out because everything else a man can walk around and there's no problem is there that's basically what I do isn't it have you ever been to a naturist beach or anything

no I've very you know a few I mean again like the onsen's completely naked so I don't really care about that sort of thing

but yeah I've no problems with getting in the nud but no I find it all just a bit short I don't like people peacocking at the best of times I think it's stupid so I think if you relate them getting in the nut and nut, but no, I find it all just a bit short. I don't like people peacocking at the best of times. I think it's stupid.

See, I think if you relate this back to the cruise ship brawl, if everyone on that cruise ship had to be naked, there's almost zero chance they'd ever fight. True. People ain't going to be fighting when they've got their cock and balls out. It's always men fighting, isn't it? Would you continue the clown makeup, though, down south? Because if the clowns are

choosing to present that face to the world what are they doing elsewhere that's all I'm saying well you reckon the nose you mean the nose

well do you reckon like a professional clown I mean presumably at some point they will have put some kind of grease paint on their todge

completely white and a red bulb my dad's friend I don't know if he still sees him has a tattoo where he's got two eyes and a nose and the

belly button is his mouth. He needs to put a cigarette in the belly button. There is nothing funnier. I don't know why he would do that. It's a really long term solution to a short term joke. No one's going to be happy with that joke. After a year everyone's going to be like yeah great joke. There is nothing funnier look I'm only on board

with this man's tattoo if he has got a gigantic top hat that covers his arms and head and torso so that his mouth... Like the bass player from Rage Against the Machine. Yeah, a little bit. Just a big top hat and a belly with a face drawn on it is the funniest thing that could possibly exist. It is wonderful.

Very, very enjoyable. Very enjoyable. We got an email from Chris. It's a naughty one. Strap yourselves in, guys. Pete, I mean, what sort of level are we talking here? I gave you the gist of it and you said it was okay to read, alright?

So, your funeral sunshine. It's on me, is it? I was listening to episode 188 and the enthralling tale of an otter raping a baby seal, a sentence I never thought I'd type and write. I thought I'd share my own recent encounter of naughty animals. Having been to the Anne Frank house, I was suitably somber

walking the canals of Amsterdam with my partner. We noticed a kerfuffle in the water and proceeded to snigger as we thought, what we thought were two seagulls going at it. Alas, it became evident

that the female gull no longer wanted to partake in the act. The male, however, was staunchly committed and we watched in horror as he proceeded to break the female gull no longer wanted to partake in the act. The male, however, was staunchly committed and was watching horror as he proceeded to break the female's wing, hold its head underwater to stop her getting away. The female tried very hard to escape with no success and as the male finished his deed,

he then flew up to the top of the highest building in view to look on and his victim was unable to fly out of the water so she swam down the canal looking for a place to get out. I had been briefed to see some seedy happenings in the city but this was not one I prepared for. Other than that, though, lovely place, very tidy, great food. Yeah. Animals are horrible, aren't they, Luke?

They really are bloody horrible. That is horrific. Yes. The animal kingdom can be an unforgiving place. Even in the canals of Amsterdam. Even in the cultural conurbation that is Amsterdam. Someone posted a great thing on Twitter yesterday.

Great Jewish museum. Saying, those of you who think that homosexuality is in quotes unnatural might be interested in watching this video of my two cockatoos,

both male, going at it hammer and tongs for the last hour. The best thing is some of the replies are going, are they really gay? And he said, yeah,

there's literally two other female cockatoos, but they are just not interested. They just love a bomb. I don't want that. Love a bomb. And there was also, I'm going to say, a frankly absolutely horrific video that someone sent to the Luke and Pete Show Twitter,

at Luke and Pete Show, of a woman trying to feed a dolphin a fish. The dolphin jumped out and basically started trying to hump her. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Not great. Not great. It's probably that one that was used to getting all the handies trying to feed a dolphin a fish and the dolphin jumped out and basically started trying to hump her. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Not great. Not great.

It's probably that one that was used to getting all the handies from that scientist. Thanks for all the handies. Yeah. Is that a suicide note? I liked that Cypress Cypriot, was he some kind of holy man?

One of those quite wild Christian churches. He said that gay men, and presumably men as well, Oh yeah, I saw this, yeah. are created because the mother enjoys unnatural, and let me be clear, anal sex. While she's pregnant. While she's pregnant.

Yeah. I mean, that man is not a man of science. No. I would like to, if we're talking about animals being naughty, the ultimate, and I'm going to ask the listening public to help me with this,

and we'll put it out to you guys, the listeners, hello at lukeandpeach.com if you know the answer to this. There was an amazing show, a documentary show, it was either a whole episode

or a little section within an episode of a guy who had like a pet honey badger. And it was the naughtiest, most intelligent, mental animal to the point where

he couldn't keep it in any cage because it kept getting out and tearing through the bins and killing other animals. Sorry point where he couldn't keep it in any cage because it kept getting out and tearing through the bins and killing other animals sorry if you can't keep something in a cage you shouldn't have

any animals near you he mate it was a honey badger right you know honey badgers actively pursue snakes to fight them

literally fucking lock lock it with a lock I think it might have been called stoofer stoofer I think it might have been called stooffer. Stouffer? I think it might have been called

Stouffer. Like Harry Hill's cat? Yeah, yeah. I think so. Oh, Stouffer. Anyway, it was brilliant.

It was doing things like building itself like an ersatz ladder to climb out of the pen it was in. I watch the

Lockpicking Lawyer on YouTube and there are many fallible aspects of most locks in circulation. So you talk about this every third episode as well. There is no excuse for not getting an adequate lock

to keep your honey badger inside. If you can't keep a honey badger in a cage, you shouldn't be a grown-up. If you take one thing from this episode, just one thing, if you do find yourself responsible for looking after a honey badger... Buy a decent lock.

Speak to the lock picking lawyer. Exactly. Find a lock that he cannot pick and use that to keep your honey badger safe. Right, that's about all the time we've got for this Monday episode. Episode 189 of the Luke and Pete show. It's been a bloody pleasure. Peter, anything to add? We'll be back on Thursday.

We will. What are we going to talk about on Thursday? Probably sex. Yeah. This was a Radio Stakhanov production. The only seagull I've ever seen doing Sonic It Shouldn't was that one that stole that packet of crisps from that shop.

Naughty seagull.