The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 198: Off with their heads

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

Everyone's stealing this week. Whether it's sand, heads from a tourist attraction or something else, it feels like everyone is at it. Hell in a handcart, we're sure you agree.In other news, there's chat from Pete about Silk Road, there's chat from our listeners about how not to make a cup of tea, and a poor chap gets in touch about his testicular surgery. In addition to all of this we also get stuck right in to some basement waterproofing chat, so stick around for that.Something to get off your chest? It's [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, did you just inhale really loudly? Oh, maybe. On the microphone there. I've got a bit of a cold. Terrible mic skills. Sorry about that. Me too. I've got a cough cough.

You know the bit in The Offspring, Pretty Fly for a White Guy? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha! Guy yeah I'm fairly certain I used to be able to do that do it try it now do you want me to give you the right key

I used to be able to do it I just can't make that noise anymore ready we'll try again give it to me baby it's terrible isn't it it's like the

death rattle of some kind of animal I can't tell whether I've got like a chest like I had a bit of a chest infection which I seem to have every bloody summer nowadays

what's the reason for that do you think lack of moral fibre lack of moral fibre probably the MSG or the Chinese yeah I don't know it just keeps on

happening guys but for an asthmatic it's problematic but yeah I used to... Because your voice naturally gets deeper as you get older, which I'm loving, to be honest, because, you know, voiceover work and all that.

But yeah, I just can't shift the idea that something's gone wrong somewhere. Do a Luke and Pete show, voiceover voice. Luke and Pete. Does the job. They're in a cave. Come and see them. What are they up Pete. Does the job. They're in a cave. Come and see them. What are they up to?

Does the job. Andy Brassel always says that. Andy Brassel of Football Rambler Daily. Does the job. Of Football Rambler Daily says that whenever you go to particularly go to France

or Portugal, they've got such a deep voice that you almost have to remind yourself when you speak in their language to go an octave lower because you just sound like David Beckham

otherwise. And if you listen to his interview with Paolo Sosa, his voice is ridiculous. It's literally

like... You know from Andrea Villas-Boas was the same. Mourinho to an extent. Japanese men

are kind of the same. You sound a bit silly if you talk a bit like this go on what are they how do they sound right you know what i mean yeah there's a bit of a rumble to it but i remember when uh it was uh goodbye at arson venga at nagoya he was going he's got a deep voice as well, though.

Yeah, but even he sounded a bit weird. What does you are? What's his name? Arsene Wenger. Arsene Wenger does. Yeah, and he was just saying goodbye. Would you find it difficult to get on if you had a high-pitched voice? Because some men's voices stay high, don't they?

I don't know. I think my accent is quite excruciating at the best of times. I think it's probably best of you. Completely agree. If you can possibly be as deep as you can, I think that helps a little. That's what I'm saying. If you...

I mean, remember Alan Ball, who was a famous football player. His voice was always quite high. He had a very... Who's the guy who was the bloke from the FA who used to do the FA Cup draws? Oh, yeah. I was going to say Brian, not Brian Barwick,

the one before him. Graham Kelly? Yes. Graham Kelly, he had a very high voice. He did. It's time for the FA Cup. It's time for the FA Cup draw, sponsored by Brumbalo's Ladbrokes.

Was it Graham Kelly? Yes, he had a very high voice like this. Emlyn Hughes as well. He had an excruciatingly high voice. Rest in peace. Rest in peace, Emlyn Hughes. I think it might be a little bit more emasculating than we tend to think

if you're a man who had a very high-pitched voice. So we stand in solidarity with you if you are in that boat. We stan you. Episode 198 of the Luke and Pete Show. It is Thursday, the 29th of August. Whoa! Bank Holiday week.

People have had a short week. Weather's been lovely. Pulled my groin. Go on. Tell us more. I just pulled my groin. I was going to play football. I'm going to cancel it, I think,

because I busted up my leg. I've got a real issue on my right leg, at the top of my leg, on the outside and the inside of it. Like a groin strain slash. Feels a bit sore at the top of the hip. It's not great. No.

I think I'm putting it down just getting older. I play football probably twice a week now. I don't work very hard. And I think it's probably good for me that I'm kind of active. But yeah, it's just a groin pull. It just puts you out of the game. Peter, there are crimes happening all over the UK. Crimes.

All the time. Crimes. As we know. Stabbings. We do the crimes. Murders. Give the time. Crimes. As we know. Stabbings. We do decrypt. Murders. Give us an example of maybe three or four crimes. Accountancy errors.

Is that a crime? I think so, yes. Not if it's a genuine error. No. Ignorance is not an excuse. Ignorance is not an excuse. Give us three more. Accountancy errors.

Shoplifting. Shoplifting, yeah. Giving someone a disease they didn't know you had drugs just drugs and so we live with crime all around us all the time and that's something we have to get used to but every so often there is a news story

where I read it and it's of a crime and I think that could be Pete Donaldson and I don't mean sex crimes I'm not being out of order double indemnity means I can't be tried for the same crime twice well here's one that definitely could be Pete Donaldson. Okay. And it's not, I don't mean sex crimes. You know, I don't mean that. I'm not being out of order. Double indemnity means I can't be tried for the same crime twice.

Well, here's one that definitely could be you, Pete Donaldson. It's caught on CCTV. There's a plea for people. A plea?

You're going to be emotional there. For information. Well, you'll hear why in a minute because model heads of Guy Fawkes, Oliver Cromwell

and Sir Thomas More have been stolen from the front of a tourist attraction. Heads of Guy Fawkes, Oliver Cromwell and Sir Thomas More have been stolen from the front of a tourist attraction. They were taken from the entrance of the London Bridge Experience on Saturday morning and a man was captured on CCTV using a rope to tug the figures down before walking away with Guy Fawkes' head under his arm. Hang on, the London Bridge Experience is like,

so London Bridge is where the dungeons used to be, presumably. They pulled down... So, on the London Bridge experience, it's kind of the ghastly ghoul fest or whatever. And on the top of the sign, there are three heads on spikes.

Right, yes. And they are Oliver Cromwell, Guy Fawkes, and Sir Thomas More. I don't... I mean, Sir Thomas More, apparently, was a late 15th, early 16th century lawyer, philosopher, author, statesman, and noted Renaissance humanist. I believe he was killed by the Catholics, I'm going to say.

How is he on there? I mean, he's not famous at all. Oliver Cromwell, Guy Fawkes, everyone knows who they are. No one knows who Sir Thomas More is. Anyway, all the heads have been stolen. Yes. The museum or attraction, whatever it is,

is calling for information. They're offering £400 to help find it, saying we just want our heads back. I put it to you, Pete Donaldson, where were you on that night? I'm looking at the pictures now. I mean, it's very funny. They managed to pull.

So you managed to take down the whole sort of shelf down from the thing with the spikes on it. So it was a messy crime. It wasn't very. They're offering £400 reward to anyone who can help find the man. Yes, that's what I just said. Stolen the heads. But the thing is, apparently it took place between 10 o'clock on Friday night and 8 o'clock Saturday morning

in London Bridge. Yeah, piss, mate. How on earth have people not seen that? Well, people probably have seen that, but you just sort of go, oh, it's just a piss now and being weird.

The doorway's also been damaged. It's really frustrating when we work in a 20-hour day and some little scrot comes along and does this. I mean, it's payment for those absolute idiots, those out

of work actors who come up to you and try and get you to go there. Well they're not in work. I suppose they are technically in work

but that's not the work they envisaged is it? I find those people excruciatingly annoying. More annoying than like human statues. I think you start

being annoyed by them and then you sort of realise that they're doing something that they love. They're doing the job that they're employed to do. So it's not their fault. You don't have to go in. Thanks to everyone who got in touch

to tell me about Uber punts in Cambridge, by the way. Oh, right. Yeah, I complained about the punts. Yeah, okay, yeah. Apparently they do Uber punts now. What, like as in you just call one and it just rocks up and you... Yeah, apparently.

...go off to Spain. I don't know how that works, though. Because I don't really see how they can do that. Why? Well, I suppose I could use their mobile phone. Yeah, I suppose it could work. Thank you. Yeah, it does work. I've mentally tilted myself through it.

It does work. Are you imagining that it doesn't work on the water for some reason? Yeah, I just thought, well, you need some kind of device and screen. And you've got one of those sticks in one hand and they need two hands to work so it's just quite difficult, I suppose.

What about this, Pete, from Dave Ensor sent this in and this was particularly interesting to me because you know my wife collects sand. Right.

You know that story? I told you that story, right? We've got a sand shelf at home. Everywhere we go we collect a little bit of sand and we mark and we label them and put them in the collection

is that real well a French couple have just been caught with 90 pounds of sardinian sand that's too much in their car

40 kilos of sardinian sand which apparently is considered public goods so it's strictly forbidden to remove it it's essentially

the theft of stuff, yeah. Are they sort of stealing it and putting it in like a sandpit at home because they want their kid to enjoy Sardinian sands? Well, they kind of said

that they were taking it home as a souvenir. Anything bigger than... You do not take a 40 kilo souvenir of anything. Most of that was cocaine. Yeah, exactly. It's a souvenir from Colombia. Bol if that was cocaine. Yeah, exactly.

It's a souvenir from Colombia. Bolivia. You see, in Mexico, a judge has ruled that two men are allowed to take cocaine medicinally or recreationally as long as they don't do it with anybody else,

as long as they don't sell it. He's got all these stipulations. Basically, these guys have been given carte blanche as a kind of solution to the obviously massive drug problems they have over there they've been said

that they could a judge has ruled that they can these two guys can take cocaine without fear of prosecution it's called a landmark ruling isn't it

they've called it that because well obviously for the reason you said but that's really interesting because I'm not suggesting to be a social political expert but clearly in that country it's so difficult with the amount of violence it's one of the most dangerous countries in the world cartels run the place all the politicians are in the pocket of the cartels it would be quite and obviously you can't really do this because i suppose you're essentially playing with the lives

of potentially millions of people. But it's a thought experiment. It's interesting to think what would happen if you just undercut their trade by just making it all free and all legal. So every single seizure

they have, they just make it all free, give it to whoever wants it. Completely undercut and the value of it. I suppose it wouldn't matter because a lot of it's for export anyway. Yeah, I don't think the vast proportion

is consumed in Mexico. But is that the thin end of the wedge, though? I don't know. It's worked for Portugal, right? But has it actually worked for Portugal? Yeah, it has massively. There's been no increase, no decrease of... Well, there's been decrease in criminal activity,

but there's been no increase in use, I believe. No, but I think... Yeah, but there's a bit of a misconception about Portugal. The status of the drugs are illegal, but I think it's kind of like a decriminalised thing.

You can't just go and buy them from somewhere. No. You're allowed two grams for your own use, effectively. You can't sell it, but you can have two grams. I remember looking about before for You can't sell it, but you can have two grams. So I remember looking about this before for maybe even this show, like a year ago or something. I think they declassified the crime from a criminal crime to like a civil one or something.

Yeah, you just get your hand slapped and you go for a little meeting with somebody. But even if you're a dealer, not if you're a drug dealer, surely. No, as I said, if you get caught with more than two grams of anything, you're getting dealer, not if you're a drug dealer, surely. No, as I said, if you get caught with more than two grams of anything, you're getting big, big bother.

But if it's two grams for your own use, you don't get in trouble. But it just means that the prisons aren't, you know, clogged up with people who, it's like in America, you know, the for-profit prisons are just filled with young black men who,

you know, fucking smoked a bit of weed, or had a bit of weed on them when they got fucking stopped in search. Yeah, the privatisation of the prison system should be illegal anyway. I mean, it's a massive and gross conflict of interest. Mate, they don't want to release people from prison

because they are very adequate. They basically slay the service. Yes. That's insanity. I think it's a huge percentage of like electronic goods and washing machines that kind of stuff are made by people in prisons aren't they for free essentially. Yeah. Yeah anyways don't steal sand guys. If you go to Sardinia

don't steal sand. They're very sensitive about it. I was watching a little mini documentary about it and the firefighters actually it was probably like John, what do you call it, last week tonight, it was like the firefighters a lot of the california wildfires were fought by um prison um mandated um firefighters so they're in prison they can make a bit of money a little bit more money than what you'd usually get in prison as a as a worker anywhere um but once you get out you've got all

these skills at fighting wildfires and being an important member of society. But as the statutes go, as they are now, you can't join the fire service if you've got any kind of criminal. Right, anyway, yeah. So you could potentially be a really skillful, good, experienced firefighter, but you can never work. Yep. That's what fascinates me.

I don't want to get too heavy about it, but that's what kind of fascinates me about, I won't speak at length about the US because i don't know it that well but in the uk it seems to be a massive amount of like people going to prison is because it satisfies a certain profile of person in this country to see people other people suffer basically so what i mean by that is i'm not talking about a murderer or a rapist or someone who's just severely very dangerous person. Clearly, there needs to be some sort of planning and incarceration for those type of people.

But it's like that speech that Obama made, I think maybe just before he left office, where he said, if you go out and you steal someone's bike, or you, as you mentioned earlier in one of your list of crimes, you make an accountancy error. Accountancy error.

You owe a debt to society and no one's arguing that. But you don't owe 25 years. You don't owe a lifetime in jail. You know, the gross overpopulation of prisons in the US but also in this country as well in terrible conditions

should shame everybody. And the reason it should shame everybody is because it costs a huge amount of money. These people are human beings. People who've committed like very low level non-dangerous crimes. There's actually no justification for them being in jail. They should pay their

debt to society in a way that benefits everybody, rather than just essentially hammering the public coffers and making a load of Daily Mail-reading dickheads feel better about themselves. It's summed up brilliantly in Alan Partridge, where Sonia, his Ukrainian girlfriend, tries to tell him

to tell the the chancellor of the exchequer that he's not paying his tax and he turns around to her and says sonja do you want to go to prison and she says well you said prison was like a holiday camp and he said i was making a point about something else did you say uh ross uh ulbricht's uh the block who made silk Road, you know, the illegal dark web marketplace where you can buy drugs and guns? I didn't know who he was. I've heard of the website. He's drawn a beautiful picture of himself in prison. He's never going to leave that.

Is he in jail? He's in jail. On the US territory? On the US territory. He's never going to leave. He's had two life sentences and plus 40 years without parole, which again seems if we're going to go down that route

it seems a little excessive for a man who admittedly set up a website where he could buy loads of guns and drugs he was clearly a bit of an egomaniac but he's drawn a beautiful picture of him in prison with his celly as he calls them

you're not like my celly. We are, but yeah. He's got 40 years before he's eligible for parole, right? Oh no, life imprisonment plus 40 years without any possibility of parole. Blimey, O'Reilly. Apparently he got $28 million worth of illegal money, though. That's a lot of money.

Yeah, he's more of a facilitator, wasn't he? Didn't that kind of... I don't know, it's interesting. There was a very interesting piece in the newspaper about how he was caught and how it was about he could have stopped at any moment and just got you know hidden away in the night how did he get caught he got caught um he got caught because he was in a public library this is like kind of like ground zero where it happened happened, when it happened. It was really funny. The police ran over and he was using his laptop, ran over, grabbed his laptop while he was using it and made sure it was like, I keep it awake. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Imagine if you just for a second, like looked away and just turned itself off. That's bad admin by him, isn't it? He was very careful. Like as soon as you. As soon as you close that lid, encryption. You never get all of it.

Fascinating. So he was basically sent down for that amount of time. What were the actual charges, though? Oh, I don't know. I'm a cheque. Big boy crimes, though. I mean,

he set up a marketplace where thousands, millions, millions of pounds exchanged hands for drugs so money laundering computer hacking and

conspiracy to traffic narcotics so the life imprisonment plus 40 years would probably be because of the drug trafficking I think no I think

they probably got him under like because they're very very harsh on that due to like the influx of drugs coming into the country I think anything like

hacking is quite frowned upon as well because look at how, not Bo Bergdahl, who's that woman who transitioned, she was a whistleblower. Oh yeah, I know who you mean. I can't remember her name now. She is in prison

for a very, very long time. Or is she in exile in Russia? I forget. Chelsea Manning. Chelsea Manning. I always forget about where these people are. He left the Ecuadorian embassy and is now in police custody. Where's Chelsea Manning? Is she in Russia?

Or am I thinking of someone else? No, that's Edward Snowden, isn't it? Edward Snowden's in Russia. It's hard to get on top of all these different whistleblowers. Chelsea Manning is in prison, I want to say. But that was all about hacking, wasn't it? She got caught. She's currently in jail for her continued refusal to testify before a grand jury against Julian Assange.

Oh, there we go. Okay, fine. And all he did was eat a succulent Chinese meal. All he wanted was a succulent Chinese meal. Let's have a break and then we'll do some emails, PT. Okay. Hey, y'all, it's Farmer Meemaw. And today, I'm going to show you what I've been doing to take care of the pantry moth situation oh fuck can't believe you've done

this i can't believe you've done this i can't believe you've released pantry moth in my pantry this is the last place it needs to be there was a massive moth in my house last night anyway i have got some cheese in my fridge but i turned off my fridge and freeze and i forgot that i did it um is the freeze gonna is the cheese Is the cheese going to be okay? It'll be okay for a time, yeah. Because cheese, you just used to keep in the larder, didn't you? If you eat cheese at room temperature, it's much tastier. Yeah, but can I keep it at room temperature for a long time?

I reckon you can. Cheese is pretty indestructible, isn't it? It just goes hard. I think listeners of this show are going to find out at some point. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com to get in touch. You don't have to get in touch with us on such heavy issues as we were talking about before the break. We were on our soapboxes before the break,

but we're off them now. And I am going to prove that I'm off my soapbox by reading this email out from James, who says, Hi Luke and Pete, just writing this in regards to episode 195 and tea making. I'm from Nottingham, but I live in Edmonton, Canada, and Pete, just writing this in regards to episode 195 and tea making. I'm from Nottingham, but I live in Edmonton, Canada

and my girlfriend is Canadian. Anyway, I give her parents my treasured PG tips sent to me from my mum in England only to find that her dad made the tea on this occasion by putting the teabag in cold water in a mug and then proceeding to microwave the thing

for two minutes. Wow. That's not nice, is it? After consulting my father-in-law, I told him that this is unacceptable and since then have changed his outlook on brew making. As Luke said in the episode, he needs a re-education camp. Shocking scenes. Keep up the good work, James.

When I first met my now wife, who of course is American, and I was happy to do it, I'm not suggesting that it should be any different. How do you know she's American? She could be a double agent like something out of 24.

True. What I need to do is pick up her passport. Exactly. See if it's a fake. And Pete, I had to tell her she had never ever

made a cup of tea before. Right, okay. And she was, when I met her, I think she was like 25. Well, also like tea bags, you sort of think tea bags, were you,

tea bags are a very British thing. Everywhere else in the world they don't necessarily use quite so many of their tea bags are very British. Well, in Scandinavia I'm fairly certain,

and some of our listeners in that part of the world could tell me differently, but I'm fairly certain they don't have milk in their tea. So they have a normal PG Tips type tea

with no milk in it. Yeah. So with my wife I had to essentially talk her through the process it took a while for her to get it right

British man listen darling it's like I made a perfect cup of tea speaking of Alan Patterson and his girlfriend it's interesting

how your mind works if you met a girl and she wasn't from this country and you lived together it's alright relax it's not going to happen he tells me where are country yeah and you live together um it's all right relax it's not gonna happen yeah where are my magazines go and you said like quite fancy a cup of tea

while you're in the kitchen do you mind making me one and she said peter i have no idea how to do it yeah tell me now tell our listeners how you would explain to her how to make it to be honest i think you know the microwave thing we sort of bristle at it but would it not just get the job done might do yeah we're just not i wouldn't feel comfortable microwaving a tea bag in the microwave thing, we sort of bristle at it, but would it not just get the job done? Might do, yeah. I wouldn't feel comfortable microwaving a tea bag in the microwave, though. Why? Because I've seen my granddad microwave coffee

to warm it up again, because it's got cold, because he got distracted or something. I've done that, yeah. Yeah, okay. No, I can't see microwave being a tool needed for... But the thing about my wife as well is she didn't actually own a kettle either.

Oh, they don't in America, do they? No. It the hob and she had a coffee machine i think so it's like yeah it's very strange very strange so i i i will show solidarity with james and say that would be disappointing i would probably politely and very nicely say that this is how i kind of make it this is the best way of making it etc etc but you wouldn't say anything to anyone you just you probably drink it wouldn't you yeah look if she wants to make tea like that i'll drink it and maybe it'll be a great new flavor if not it's the it's you just grateful to spend some time and she's got to stay in the hall in the company of a real life woman she puts the tea bag in the basket yeah peter how what do you think about the milk in first gang you don't mind that either i think

uh the again it's a bit like ufos for me it I think, again, it's a bit like UFOs for me. It's a bit overwrought. It's been overdone, the whole, oh, you've got to put the milk in first, you fucking... What would you do? What? Do you put the milk in first? No, I wouldn't necessarily.

It would always be tea first. But, I mean, people who put milk in first, again, skip a big old stir with the spoon. Everything comes out in the wash. What about cream or jam first on the scone? Yeah,

you're a cream first, aren't you? Yeah, because to me, the cream is like a butter substitute, right? What are you? You're pushing the jam.

You're just getting needless cream on your jam knife. And what if you want to get more jam out of the, what if you're doing more than one scone? Then you've got a creamy knife. But how do you put a heavy clotted cream the what if you do more than one scone then you've got

a creamy knife but how do you put a heavy clotted cream on top of jam without squeezing it everywhere what do you mean you know what I mean

but you just spoon and just blop it on blop give it a blop anyway carry on I just don't understand because you're just jamming the jam

into a creamy yeah you're just flattening the cream needlessly I want a jam with you Daniel Daniel Williams, Dan. Hi, guys.

Connor's tweeting your short 196 regarding his eye surgery. Reminded me of the time when I was going for my surgery following testicular cancer treatment a little over five years ago. Very survivable, that cancer I hear. I was in the room... I mean, Dan is a testament to it, I guess, because he's emailing. I was in the room beforehand in my gown when the surgeon, who did a great job and I'm all the room, I mean, Dan is a testament to it, I guess, because he's emailing. I was in the room beforehand in my gown when the surgeon, who did a great job and I'm all fine now,

proceeded to ask me which testicle was being removed. Imagine if the stress of the situation led me to say the wrong ball. When I replied it's the left one, he then drew a fuck-off line right up my thigh to the ball in question. I wonder what would have happened if I'd have said it was the right ball, would have given a whole new meaning to the term dropped a bollock. Love the show guys. Dan.

Do your balls not sometimes switch over? No. Like, not completely, but sometimes I don't think that's possible. they'll go on top of each other. Yeah, one hangs lower than the other. No, I mean like on top of each other. Right, hang on.

Oh God. Right. There's right and left. Wash your hands after you've done this. I'm folding my right over on my left. Right. So my right ball is now in the left-hand side. Right.

Right. But now what's happened? Now you've stopped doing that. Now what's happened? Now you've stopped doing that. What? What's happened? Now you've stopped doing that.

It's popped back. Only because I've got room. Yeah, but like if it's a cold room, it might not have room to go back into the right quadrant. And I think, what's the name of the email? Sorry, Daniel. Dan. I think, I feel like while I understand that it's better safe than sorry

and you can't ask for enough information and I imagine the surgeon wants to get stuff right, they should know. Listen, they should know. If you've got a consultation to that level. If you can't spot a cancerous ball, if you've got the scrotum open, and I know you have to be less than invasive nowadays with your keyhole surgery

and the like, you've still got to know what a cancerous testicle looks like. But Dan, I'm glad it's all clear and you're feeling alright now. Yeah, and it's very important to get yourself checked of course, and we should definitely say that. I combined it with a full. You just did that. I think absolutely men should talk about this stuff more

and be more aware of how important it is. But I feel like the surgeon should know at this point. I can understand if it's a kidney, because there's nothing there, right? So it would probably say in the scan and in the results and the consultation, left kidney or whatever. Maybe it only says it twice. You think, well, you better check.

But I hear stories of surgeons leaving implements inside people. Oh, I was listening to a podcast, Dr. Death, which is just a man who just has a wild old time. He hasn't done any surgeries before. He's a bit of a fucking joker. True story. True story. He's got that kind of ego, massive narcissistic ego disorder

where you think that everything you do is fucking brilliant and also takes a lot of cocaine as well. Right. Which is a perfect storm of bad doc doc. Jokes and them is because surgeons are called Mr. not doctor or Mrs. Is that right?

Okay. Yeah. Do you know why that is? In this country, it's because of where surgery came from. It was seen as being a real wild west of unscientific stuff. The barber surgeons.

Yeah, surgeons weren't really considered to be proper doctors, so they still called themselves Mr. Oh, he's a bit rich that now, isn't he? A bit petty. If I'd done a load of medical stuff. If I'd done a load of medical stuff. Yeah, I'd like to be called doctor, I think.

I'm right. That's what I've earned. But they should know and they shouldn't be leaving implements inside people. Don't leave sponges inside people.

Yeah, definitely not sponges. What about this one here from James Clark, another James. Hi Luke and hi Pete. Firstly,

a very big thank you for the recommendation. I had a large cotton chips from Kennedy's last Friday and it was bloody excellent and fulfilled my main criteria of not skipping on the chip portions. That's the fish and chip chip I recommended, Pete. Although how James is doing a large cod and large chips from Kennedy's

because to put it in perspective, on Saturday night, we had four of us at our house and we had two small chips between us. So how he's had a whole large on his own is crazy. Maybe he's a big lad. He said, anyway, you could argue that maybe when looking for a new fish and chip shot, the first place I should have tried is the award-winning one down the road. Absolutely right. James Clark is also the basement waterproofer.

Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah. So have you got any updates as to what he's working on what he finds more interesting in terms of the

basement waterproofing stuff I don't get my hands too dirty as I tend to stay on the design side of things oh Dr McPlanson yeah

Mr Surgeon I feel you're very much falling into the trap of thinking this is much more interesting than it actually is doesn't sound like us

and while I've been working on some large scale projects like new hospitals, universities and stadiums, most recently the Tottenham Stadium, the glazed-over looks of my family and friends has taught me not to go into detail as to how waterproofing is actually achieved.

And I wouldn't want you to lose listeners as I ramble on about crystalline waterproof concrete additives. But since you've asked, it would be rude not to indulge a bit. In this scenario, I've assumed that we are going to waterproof an existing basement where a delicious, succulent Chinese restaurant wants to increase its capacity. Assuming the tarpaulin itself is waterproof, which I'm pretty confident it is,

the problem we would have is overlapping different sheets together due to the size of the basement and the limited dimensions of the rolls. Traditionally, taped tarps wouldn't be sufficient to withstand water pressure. So in this instance, let's assume we have manufactured a roll of tarp the perfect dimensions of the basement, and let's call it Luke and Pete tarp seal. We can't mechanically fix the tarp seal to the walls, as we would just be puncturing it,

so we would have to temporarily hold it in place with a high-strength double-sided adhesive tape we will call Luke and Pete tarp seal tape. At this point, we have a barrier that's sufficiently been laid on the slab and installed to the walls, but if we had the sudden ingress of water through the structure,

the tarp seal would just lift off the slab and walls and sag around and be altogether useless, so we need to provide a means of permanently and uniformly loading the tarp seal. Vertically, we would put a new blockwork wall in front of the tarp seal, while leaving a 40mm gap, which would then be filled with brick mortar. Horizontally,

we could just lay a new screed down at about 80mm, which should do the job. And there you have it, a successful waterproof design. Although it would be unpractical, expensive, inaccessible, unwarrantable, and non-compliant, I don't see why you can't start the ball rolling on large-scale manufacturing of a Luke and Pete tarp seal.

It'd be nice for making your favourite sweatboxes. Yeah, James Clark also attached a sketch. He actually took the time to attach a sketch, which I very much appreciate. I don't remember asking exactly how to do it. I think I did. I think I'm very fascinated by sump pumps and things like that, how you waterproof a basement.

I'm just googling crystalline waterproof additive. Basically it's something to add crystals to add to cement when you're mixing it to make the blocks and make the cement.

It kind of like it spreads out through the holes because you know like cement's got big holes in it. Yeah. All of this

crystalline stuff kind of waterproofs it through the holes. But I thought the holes were the strength of the concrete or am I being foolish yeah there must be something in the structure

because what I find what I find interesting is when you see when you see say a brick arch yeah and it's just one brick

and it's all held together by a keystone and all this mortar it doesn't look to me like it should be strong enough do you know what I mean isn't that just engineering 101 it's all held together by a keystone and all this mortar it doesn't look to me like it would it should be strong enough do you know what I mean isn't that just

engineering 101 it's just one layer yeah I know but I don't fully understand it who's the fellow who used to do who's the steeplejack

who in real life might have been a little less nice Fred Dibner Fred Dibner yeah him what would you mean he'd tell you about

that wouldn't he oh he would say it's just all in the engineering it's all in engineering isn't it and if, he would say it's just all in the engineering. It's all in engineering, isn't it? And if it doesn't like it, it'll get a slap. I'll slap the arch down. Slap the arch down.

All right, let's get out of here, Pete. All right, baby doll. Hello at Luke and Pete. Should I get in touch about any kind of waterproofing? Any kind of stealing of sand? Perhaps to use to waterproof something? Maybe next week we'll review some crystal internal membrane

hydrophilic crystalline admixture. In the meantime, don't forget to check your balls. See you next time. This was a Radio Stakhanov production.