The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 199.5: I'm a little teapot

Episode Date: September 5, 2019

That's right, episode 199.5, not 200. 200 is on its way at some point but Pete won't let it pass without a fanfare and so we've recorded episode 199.5 instead. Expect plenty of talk about the pope getting stuck in a lift, a huge amount of correspondence about tea (British people are so predictable) and a retelling of a classic joke.Elsewhere, a listener gets in touch claiming to know someone with both Luke and Pete's names, we hear from plenty of Euans/Ewans and we hear from a medical professional regarding testicles. Don't miss it.To get in touch: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yo! Yo! It's episode 199.5! Is that what you're calling it? Yeah, we're not doing 200, we're not planning anything. Alright. We'll start next week, Monday, episode 200. We're talking confetti cannons.

We're talking confetti cannons. I bought a lot of confetti cannons, Luke. I need to get rid of them. I need to use them somehow. I'm concerned, though, Pete, knowing you as I do, that you have borrowed from Peter to pay Paul here. Okay. And you're not going to have anything planned for next week either.

No. You're going to forget about it, and this is going to go on and on 199.6 yeah 99.75 yeah i'm worried about this don't be worried whatever episode it is trust in donnie one night yeah i've heard that before ever so one i would never say that no it would be a ridiculous thing for me to say you are self-aware enough to realize that your life has become something that none of us intended? There are certain people in my life that I have to work with where they get very excited about an idea and then they don't actually want to do it every week.

They get very excited about a particular thing and then you've got to do it loads of times and then they get less into that idea. Like what? Your emo jingle for the Ramble? Yeah, I think people are on board the first week. You email that.

But now they've kind of checked out a little bit. I've not checked out of it. I'm all for it. But either way, yeah, and I see a little bit

of myself in that because I'm really excited about something and the actual grind of having to do it every week, I'm like, I'm crying out

for this again. I'm definitely someone who wants to be really enthused and the actual grind of having to do it every week I'm like I'm crying out yeah I'm definitely someone who wants to be really enthused by the idea of something and then just pass the admin onto someone else yeah we're the blueprint makers

yeah I think we are someone else build a hotel so let's call this episode 199.5 then Pete yes let's do that what you've done

is you've now ramped up the pressure yeah for the actual episode 200 whenever that may come yeah whenever that may come okay so that might

never manifest itself might never manifest itself alright the good thing is at least I'm not busy next week so that'll be fine fucking hell you're an idiot why what have you got on next week

I've got to do all the Ramble Live press next week what's that a couple of interviews oh Ramble Live's really good bleh oh I just licked the microphone that's going to get me ill during the Ramble Live's really good. Oh, I just licked the microphone.

That's going to get me ill during the Rambo Live show. You know, also, one of the things I've been made aware of, I think we've covered this before. Not my online blog. There's a lot of you in there. Don't say blog again.

Why? People don't say the word blog, do they? I think so. I mean, yeah. You know that thing Marcus does for Rambo, for Patreon, for Ramble for Patreon

for Ramble the vlog yeah but that's my question is vlog the word for it now I think people still do vlogs don't they you're normally my expert on this kind of stuff

I don't think everyone's bored of a vlog I think when there's when there's money to be made freshness goes out the window yeah vlog that's something

that you should put on your on your gravestone there's money to be made freshness goes out the window that Yeah. Vlog. That's something that you should put on your gravestone. There's money to be made. Freshness goes out the window. That's amazing. That's in the court of mine. But I've been made aware of one or two people on the internet thinking that I consider you some kind of like a Sats Carl Pilkington character.

Right, okay. And all I do is like poke you with a stick and that's basically the basis of the show. But that's not true, is it? What, have you been on, is there a Luke and Pete's basically the basis of the show but that's not true is it? What have you been on is there a Luke and Pete show Reddit? No.

That's where all the Luke abuse lives usually on Reddit. Oh the Reddit and the Football Rumble forum is where the people hate me the most. Right.

But I'm not saying that I'm just saying that generally speaking people think of our friendship and I don't know because me poking you with a stick and laughing at the

things you say but that's not true is it? No. I think on the Ramble every now and again it'll get to that point but you know it's a lot

seasons along you know sometimes seasons are long and you know you don't complain about that on payday do you

we get paid what oh shit the cat's out the bag we have cats you don't feel that way do you no I'm alright

I'll always come up with a good time say something funny oh oh I still bought a trench coat episode episode one nine I'm alright I'll always come up with a good time say something funny oh oh I bought a trench coat episode episode

one nine nine point five oh this is a good story this really made me think I'll be the judge of that buddy it made me think of you

if it's got a UFO in it boring something about rocks space boring no it's nothing to do with that the reason it came to my

the reason it caught my eye first is because I saw it on Twitter and it was written by a guy called Ewan and loads of people could Ewan have emailed in at the moment

because they want to be known and we'll come on to them later it was written by a guy called Ewan Somerville for the Independent right it was brilliant Pope Francis

trapped in the lift in the Vatican for 25 minutes oh yeah late for his mass. Had to be rescued by the fire brigade. God's got a sense of humour, obviously. Fantastic.

What do you think about that, Pete? I was in a lift over the weekend, one of the fine Schindler's lifts that... Weird. That pockmark our world. Yeah, I got in it, and my mate lives in a big 10-storey building, 11-storey building,

and he's on the 10th floor. And this lift, every time I go in, it's in a bigger state of disrepair than it was before. Right. It's stinking. Is this in London? Yeah, in London,

in a big tower block in Holloway. And you get in, and there's always a little light on with a little image of a spanner, a little icon of a spanner saying, either under maintenance or it needs to be maintained. Right.

I get in, one person, it says the weight is too much. Well, maintenance or it needs to be maintained. Right. I get in, one person, it says the weight is too much. Well, I didn't want to say anything. I'm not 10 men. I'm not 10 people. You've got the strength of 10 men.

Yeah, and it just starts grinding as it goes up the 10th floor. I'm like, this is, this could go badly. Would you contemplate taking the stairs? I mean,

it is 10 flights, isn't it? So this is the thing. So one of the buildings I work is 17 floors, and I work on the 17th floor. Right. My name is Luca. What's your cut-off?

Because people are getting a lift and they're slowing me down, and then some of them are going to first, second, third floor. What's your cut-off? Because to me, the cut-off should be... Two floors. I was going to say three. If you work on the fourth floor and above

the lift is available to you they shouldn't run regular lifts for people regular lifts well I understand people who've got living with disabilities

and stuff and I understand that and they have to use a lift I get that but kind of everyday able bodied people

should take the stairs it's much better for you have you ever been caught taking a lift one floor and then you've affected a limp no

I have tell us more about this no just just affect a limp like if someone catches you doing it you're like I've hurt my leg

but then they can see you again you haven't got a limp I've got better got better limps can get better it's like when Larry David gets caught

using the disabled toilet the accessible toilet the accessible accessible toilet yeah um by a guy with a disability and then he catches the guy with the disability using the non-accessible toilet and gets pissed off about it and and obviously the beauty in larry david's comedy is that 99 times 100 people would let that go and not because they're you know because they're perfectly reasonable people and he isn't. But what that does,

that episode has single-handedly, if I ever had a chance or an inkling to use an accessible toilet, I wouldn't do it. And I shouldn't do it, but the reason I wouldn't do it is because of that Larry David episode. Yeah, but I mean, I thought it changed to accessible toilet

for a reason it's just another toilet that happens to be accessible to what happens if people have got problem with their bowel or irritable bowel syndrome or something like that and they can't use the toilet they can't get to the toilet quick enough because you've been in there why would that be a disability that halts mobility

if you have an irritable bowel or you have something like that, is that a disability? Is that a mobility issue? So you're saying it's not an accessibility issue so it doesn't matter. They could just go and use any toilet.

Yeah. Okay. So I'm saying that it's an accessible toilet. So if you're using any toilet, somebody could be in there before you. I just think that with the,

I mean, there's a reason why it's there. That's why most toilets in like Starbucks are accessible toilets because everyone has a need to use them. Yeah why it's there. That's why most toilets in like Starbucks are accessible toilets because everyone hasn't used to use them. Yeah, okay, right. That makes sense.

Can I go back to the Pope again? Because if I went to, what's it called, St. Peter's Square on a Sunday and I was particularly into Catholicism and all that kind of stuff and I was going to see an audience with the Pope and I'll be looking forward to it possibly my whole life. If the Pope, because he got stuck in the lift and had to be rescued by the fire brigade, opened his, what's it called, a sermon?

Yeah. By saying a round of applause for the fire brigade, I'd be a bit underwhelmed. What do you mean? As in like, yeah, what, he wants everyone to know that the fire brigade helped him out of the lift? Yeah, yeah, I suppose so. The riches, I mean, they should have some kind of,

they should have some kind of a side tunnel he could burrow out of. A side tunnel? In the lift, because that organisation, that racket is minted. Absolutely. I'll be being the vat again, it's just mint everywhere. It's like Kendall, mint everywhere. Just fucking statues and urns and little figurines, little trinkets.

Left, right and centre. All worth millions of pounds. Disgusting wealth. Disgusting. Smash it all up. I thought they were above any kind of jurisdictional law as well. Usually. Usually.

So this is the other thing about the Catholic Church. They boast, and they do boast billions and billions of members but that's because there's no way to leave the Catholic Church what do you mean?

they don't recognise a way to excommunicate yourself from the church so my wife for example born into a Catholic family doesn't consider herself Catholic is an atheist

she still counts because you can't leave what if you what if you convert to Judaism or Islam or something like that

good question surely that's you can't be counting that email in I'm not having that hello at lukeandpeach.com email in who knows

do you remember that joke that Matt LeBlanc told on the Graham Norton show about the Pope no it's a good joke it's about smoking dope no go on

it's about the Pope smoking dope. No, go on. It's about the Pope smoking dope, yeah. I remember when you used to have that t-shirt. You'd wear that t-shirt now, wouldn't you? Yeah. So Matt LeBlanc,

it's not my joke, it's Matt LeBlanc's, but I'll tell it very quickly. I mean, look at the t-shirt I'm wearing now for crying out loud. Yeah, yeah. We won't go into that. So,

Guy goes to the Vatican and he's really into Catholicism and he really wants to meet the Pope and so he's looking forward to the Vatican and he's really into Catholicism and he really wants to meet the Pope and so he's looking forward to it and all of a sudden unbelievably the Pope comes

I'm probably paraphrasing here because I don't want to spend all day on this but the Pope turns up and they can't believe it and they're all standing in a line and the Pope comes along and he's like oh my god I can't believe it

I absolutely can't believe it and he's looking down the line and the Pope is greeting people sort of blessing them and everything, and moving on and blessing another guy. And then this homeless guy is there with this big long coat, holes in it. Obviously, he's homeless, so he's dirty,

and he's not had a chance to have a shower or get changed or anything. And the Pope sees him and leans in and gives him a big embrace, pats him on the cheek, and the the guy's like jeez i'll tell you what what i need to do he obviously loves the homeless i'll need to get that jacket i need to get it and hopefully i'll get an embrace with the pope and that'll be even better and um so he legs up the line finds the homeless guy how much for your jacket and he goes that's not for sale he said look how much for it i'll give you a hundred dollars not for sale give you five hundred dollars not for sale look i'll give you a thousand dollars just sale I'll give you $500 not for sale I'll give you $1000

just for that jacket you're a homeless man you need the money take it and the guy's like alright give me $1000 so he counts him out $1000 and he gets his jacket

this is Matt LeBlanc yeah he did this no he tells it's a joke he's told sorry Peter for goodness sake sorry I thought

it was a story it's a Matt LeBlanc joke right and so he gets the homeless guy's jacket runs back down to the bottom of the line he's got it on he turns the collar up and he's there and he gets the homeless guy's jacket runs back down to the bottom of the lawn he's got it on

he turns the collar up and he's there and he thinks right yeah he's going to go home to get a big embrace to the Pope Pope comes along bless some people

gets to him gets him in a grip and he goes I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here nice oh that's wonderful enjoyable

there we go to Matt LeBlanc for episode 199.5 of the Luke and Pete show. It's nothing vicious. Let's have a break. And when you come back, we'll do some emails. All right, then.

Hey, y'all, it's Farmer Meemaw. And today, I'm going to show you what I've been doing to take care of the pantry moth situation. What I've been doing. Do you know the Acast... noise that you probably just heard there? Yeah. Unless we're very fallow with our

adverts this week I think it sounds like I get up too late do-do-do do-do-do nothing in my way do-do-do oh it's

Taylor Swift yes hey there's gonna hey hey hey she's re-recording all of her previous albums yeah I haven't seen

that's funny isn't it the detail of the story but from what I know good on her good on her. Good on her. It was Prince who said, if you don't own your masters, your masters own you.

Yeah. I think he did. Might have done. Might have said a lot of stuff, didn't he? Oh, dear. By the way, we've had four Ewans so far. Yeah.

Someone emailed in asking if he was the only Ewan listening to the show, or how many there were, and I can't remember his name, but four people have emailed in since. Ewan Rowe, Ewan Perdue, Ewan Gruel, which is a brilliant name,

and Ewan Soulsby. Also, we've had two Lukes email in, and no Peets. Oh, were we asking for that as well? I was, yeah. Okay. I forget what was being said to us. Maybe it's just because I asked, yeah.

Jake Wilde has got in touch. Hello, Jake. Hi, both. I've been a Rambler follower for many years, et cetera, et cetera. I'm currently up to episode 40 of the Luke and Pete show. But since it isn't really topical, it's a lovely distraction to the stressors of life.

That's what we designed it for. He's not going to hear this for years, is he? If he's just piling through episode 40. Wanker. Anyway, in that episode... We record this to get rid of real life. Anyway, in that episode, you were talking about Freya Bentos pies.

Sounds like us. And I felt like I should share my Freya Bentos story. I'm 29, so I haven't lived with my parents for some time. My mum is as clumsy as anyone comes and goes through phones and iPhones like they're going out of fashion, quite often just stepping on them or leaving them in pubs or public transport. She sounds like fun. I have a 14-year-old sister who has adopted those trends,

and the pair of them are as clumsy as each other. Anyway, because of this, they often share devices, and if one breaks it, the other one borrows the other. My sister was looking through the photos of her iPad the other day and stumbled across this picture. The picture is of my mum trying to make herself a frae bentos pie. Let's just check out this picture. That's weird.

It's a mum looking into the camera, but also the underside of a minced beef and veg delicious for a bentos pie. I presume she's opened the top of it, and she doesn't want to spill the contents, so she's taking a picture using her daughter's iPad. But it's just a wonderful a wonderful picture hasn't hasn't your

dad gone for another phase of photoshopping your face on a lot of Newcastle players recently yeah I don't know why that's really come from I think yeah he's put he's put me

on he's put me on Gaz's head when Vinnie Jones grabs his bollocks yeah he's had me run him down the wing for Newcastle United it's all very confusing some is this

you said to me that he keeps sending you pictures of your face, photoshopped onto Newcastle players, and you think it might be his way of apologising for Brexit. I can only imagine. I can only imagine. He tried to bring up last week. I went, really, Dad? Yeah.

You got your sister stockpiling thyroid medicine. You got your daughter, rather, stockpiling thyroid medicine. Yeah. Because of you, your little bellend, you and your generation, your little bellend. It's just a nice family occasion. I'm stockpiling asthma medication. Yeah, and looking forward

to Christmas at your house. Your mum's roast potatoes are going to be very low on the agenda this year. How is Stewie doing anyway? I mean, my mum's roast potatoes very Brexit.

I would argue that is very Brexit. Just really getting called meat. Pete, what about this for an email from Jay Croft? Hi guys, I'm not called either Luke or Pete, but I do know someone with both of your names. I am an English teacher in Thailand and there is a student in one of my classes

called Luke Pete. Every time I teach her, it reminds me of the show and i and i i facebooked it's l-o-o-k-p-e-e-t i facebook that name search to see if there were people there and make sure jay wasn't making it up and there are loads of people on there called luke pete maybe it's a proper name in thailand amazing yeah i think i've got a lot of time for that maybe we can get her on as like a mascot. 199.5 episodes and we've only just discovered that. Luke Pete.

Yeah. A lot of time for that. We just need to find a Pete Luke and then we'll be fine. Yeah. Dean Chu. Great name.

Hey guys. Long time listener. Long time emailer. I was the guy that originally emailed in about the Elephant's Foot way back in

Shore 5 or something like that. Oh, before Chernobyl became popular. Wow. Good man, Dean. I just listened to the show 197 when Luke was talking

about UFOs and noted that military tech is generally ears ahead to civilian tech as I was reading the news I noticed that Donald Trump

just tweeted a sensitive if not classified image taken from an American military spy satellite of an Iranian space facility which appears to have

had a catastrophic accident Iran admitted that they had had an accident but it looks like Donald Trump literally just tweeted a bit of American intelligence from a drone or a spy plane or a satellite. Now I don't know much

about the intelligence community. But I love them! But you should not be tweeting that out willy nilly. Yeah. Incredible. That's unbelievable. The military satellite resolution seems to be at least twice as powerful as the commonly available public satellite photos of the particular site. And yeah, it's even closer.

And yeah, he's a liability, isn't he? I listened to a section on the radio last week and it might have been around this story and they got someone on. And I'll tell you what it was. It was Trump chipping off about space war and that kind of stuff again. And they got a guy on from a university

in the UK somewhere, I forget which one. And he was an expert in future wars basically like a futurist but about on a kind of war level probably quite a strange chap

having just described future wars but he was saying that when I talk about space war it doesn't actually mean you know

half men half androids up in space shooting lasers what it means is firing missiles into the yeah

knocking satellites out and stuff and apparently there are a thousand satellites going around the world at the moment and like 600 or so

of them are American and they're obviously used for things like guidance and identifying of different targets and that kind of stuff

and it would be a huge thing to knock all those out would be like a big thing and most big nations have got a plan for how they would do that in a war situation.

It's quite terrifying really. Yeah, I mean, and again, but then where do you draw the line? I mean, if you accidentally ram a space satellite

with your satellite, is that propagation? Is that an act of war? Is it, I mean, hacking an election, is that an act of war? Is it, I mean, hacking an election? Is that an act of war? Clearly not, because we're scared of what might happen. It's all very interesting. I think the world's gone to shit.

I think the world's gone to shit. What about this from Ben from York? I'm learning Mandarin. He says, love the show. In response to episode 198, you're talking about never events and the possibility of removing the Ron testicle. I'm a radiotherapist.

I treat cancer with radiotherapy on a daily basis. We have to ask every patient which side slash which site we are treating for every new patient as part of our protocol. We always know which side we're treating, but we always want to check. We're on the same page as the patient, so to speak. It's not that we don't know.

It's just par for the course. Keep up the good work, Ben. So, I mean, we've talked a lot about bollocks, haven't we, recently, but it's good to know that everyone's kind of on the same page when it comes to treatment. On the same ball. Yeah, and I really want to read this email as well

from Jonah, because I've got a load of emails about Thomas Moore. Do you remember last week? We talked about that head being stolen and I said I don't really know who Thomas More is and Jonah's got in touch

saying it's my pleasure to compound your misery for getting something wrong because you're going to get a lot of emails about this so Thomas More was a Catholic humanist and was beheaded

by Henry VIII for resisting the increasingly Protestant changes that were being put into place alongside his more hard-line Protestant councillors. He was Henry's Lord Chancellor for a couple of years between 1529 and 1532.

Here in Oxford, he's more famous because of the school down the end of my road named after him. Love the show, Jonah. I always get stuff wrong and I'm not happy to front up. I don't know if I got anything wrong on that. I thought I just said I don't know who he is. And so why is he up there alongside Cromwell and all the rest of them?

Because they're more famous. Oh, on the head, yeah, yeah. don't know who he is and so why is he up there alongside Cromwell and all the rest of them because they're more famous oh on the head yeah yeah well I guess he was notably beheaded so were the other people beheaded I can't remember

who was next to no I don't think it was was it I can't remember I wonder if they caught that guy who stole the heads oh yeah I'll try

and get an update seems like a strange thing have you got any more emails there Pete I've got an email I'll try and find it out throw an email hello to Brian

hi guys I'm writing in regards to 198 episode where you two were discussing I'll try and find it out. Throw an email. Hello to Brian. Hi, guys. I'm writing in regards to 198, an episode where you two were discussing international tea drinking habits. Luke was surprised at how Scandinavians don't put milk in their tea, and Pete said most of the world don't use tea bags and that it's predominantly a British thing.

I'm here to say that tea customs are varied across lots of different cultures. Americans don't really have an affinity for tea and just use just heat water in the microwave and throw a teabag in there. I live in Lebanon and teabags are also very common there, although we do use loose leaf tea here as well,

depending on the source of origin. My partner is half Russian and Russians drink tea by adding hot water to a concentrate called Zavarka. Zavarka is essentially made by brewing copious amounts of the chosen tea or blend in a big decorative pot called the samovar

until a thick dark liquid is obtained which sounds fantastic super concentrated tea a small amount of the concentrate is enough for one cup of tea a very similar practice also happens in the Middle Eastern countries although the container is less elaborate and ornate almost the whole of the Middle East from Turkey to Iran drink tea in very small cups

this ensures that the tea you're drinking never gets cold because you're constantly having to refill from a hot sauce. The British are the primary protagonists of the milk situation. Maybe in the Commonwealth there's a more prevalent practice,

but I'm not particularly fond of tea myself. And the wife always gets incensed and threatens divorce whenever I add milk onto the rare occasions I do partake in the tea. As always,

keep up the good work. Brian from Lebanon. And the pot itself is stunning. Look at that pot. Beautiful. What a beautiful pot. What a beauty. What a Samovar pot beauty.

Very nice. That's interesting. Fascinating. So they make smaller cups of tea, effectively, so they don't get cold. Never gets cold. In Australia,

they have smaller beers so they don't get warm. I see. That's why you always get a smaller beer when you go to Australia because it's generally warm and it gets warm and they don't want

to drink warm beer so it works both ways. There's another final email we'll squeeze in just purely because it's about tea making. There's been no update on the stolen heads

but we'll keep you posted. From Lebanon to Jordan because a man called Jordan has emailed in. I assume it's a man. It's also a woman's name. And they're listening to this show so it's almost certainly a man. Jordan has emailed in. I assume it's a man. It's also a woman's name. And they're listening to this show, so it's almost certainly a man.

In response to your discussion relating to microwaving a cup of tea, I would like to point your attention to the extensive research into the health benefits of doing so. It seems that by microwaving a cup of tea, you can extract up to 70% more polyphenols and a more efficient release of caffeine and antioxidants. As abhorrent as this practice it is it is it is healthier though microwave tea has a weird temperature and is by

far the the inferior taste in other terrible tea making practices the apparent perfect way to make a cup of tea in quotes by the royal society of chemistry and international organization for standardizations iso 3103 outlines outlines a standardised tea-making method. These two techniques involve pouring the milk into the cup before pouring the tea into the cup. This ISO is actually one of the most controversial standardisations in the world, being the only one to currently have a controversy tab on Wikipedia. That's some irate Englishman, isn't it? Thankfully for us all,

our saviour Ireland has objected officially to standardisation. There we go. So if you brew tea in a pot and you pour it into a cup, a tea cup, and then pour milk in, it probably doesn't actually matter

whether you pour the milk in first or not. People have problems with milk going in first when there's a tea bag in the cup. Yeah, because the tea isn't going to disseminate. You can't do it that way. But I suppose historically, people will pour, would have brewed tea in a teapot, right?

And that's kind of different. When I was staying at the Isle of Wight earlier last weekend, as we mentioned on Monday, I stayed, my friends found an amazing hotel, which is the old Duke of Rothsay's house, I think.

It's a beautiful place on the hill overlooking the Solum. And the old dining room is exactly as you'd imagine,

like an old stately homes dining room. Beautiful plush carpets, oak panelling and all that kind of stuff.

And they serve breakfast in there and they serve tea in a beautiful ornate teapot, much like the one that you've just shown from our

friend from Lebanon there. And I realised that it's a much nicer experience to drink tea beautiful ornate teapot much like the one that you've just shown from our friend from Lebanon there and I realised that it's a much nicer experience to drink tea that's been poured from a teapot

than it is to brew it in a mug hugely I was in a hotel last weekend and that was indeed the case there we go

love a little teapot official tea making way of the Duke and Pete show here's my handle and here's my spout when I get all steamed up

hear me shout pick me up and pour me out we'll see you next week ha ha ha see you later guys for episode 200 we hope

and promise 199.75 hello at lucanpig.com to get in touch we'll see you next time I'll wait touch we'll see you next time all right