The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 199.54: Scallops at a minimum

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

A bit of a meme special this one as we contemplate what Pete would do to maximise his revenue should he become a meme. There's talk of a meme refuge, appearances on chat shows, reaching out to other meme victims, the lot.In other news we cover subjects including cat's urine, drone warfare, Dave Grohl and Rick Astley. This show is nothing if not diverse.Have a great weekend. See ya next time!To get in touch: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!***  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's thursday what have you achieved this week you pricks it's the luke and pete show with pete and luke doing our thing uh not reading out emails sometimes reading out emails either way we're upsetting people on forums yes yes how you doing baby i think if i'm very well if i set out in my professional life to annoy as much people as possible it's going pretty well the words are many so it's going pretty well um do you remember on monday we were talking about meme victims yes okay and people who are terrified of being a meme victim as in your mate al people who've perhaps been victims of a meme what i think we should do is ask them to email. If you've ever been subject of a meme,

Yeah, caught in a meme. hello at lukeandpeacher.com Include your meme. Caught in a meme. Yeah, and see how it goes. It's not like a dream. How would you deal with it? I'm lost in memes-ic.

What? How would you deal with it if you were a meme? I would try and monetize it as soon as possible. I'd sign up with a really bad agency that doesn't really have a handle on what a meme is. But you're not going to have rights to it, are you? What do you mean? You know exactly what I mean, Pete Donson. What do you mean?

You're not going to have rights to the actual image or anything. No, but I'd go on Oprah and go, Hi, I'm the man we're not... You know they get on Oprah? You know they get a booking on Oprah, mate, because you've got memes? Do you think she is? All right, Ellen, then.

Ellen always has the meme people. I think you're struggling for Ellen. They come on and they do their thing and then they fuck off. They jump out of a box. I think you might get a five minute slot on Good Morning Britain with Piers. You reckon? Yeah. You're not fucking getting Oprah because you've been memed. She's the first female

billionaire or whatever it is. She didn't make her money by going after you. People love meme people. That's what the whole thing they're like if we get the meme person on they've got at least 20 000 followers on twitter they'll start tweeting about ellen and the snake will eat the snake's butt bot and we all win we all ride the coattails to hell north america's first black multi-billionaire is not having you on. A meme! All right, listen. Impossible! It said.

Here's one for you. What? All your bases are belong to us. Yeah. Here's one for you. corporate is a meme. So what kind of, say, let's do an example meme that you got caught in

and then we'll work out what your plan is to make the most of it. It would be like Super Walkman or something. You know the thing that you point at me and go,

prick. Right, it'd be like that. I genuinely don't know how you get through the day. I'd be like, I genuinely don't know how you get through the day I'd be like I'd be talking about being vegan

even though I'm not and that's it I'm a super woke man no but I'm not I'm not trying to put you specifically into one that suits you

I think I do think you are you know have that issue but but so say for example here's the one

you just don't care you just don't care, you just don't care what side of history you're on. Black, I've got the heart as black as it comes, mate. I've got a heart of stone. Right.

You are caught in a picture exactly like when former Labour Prime Minister, Prime Ministerial candidate Ed Miliband was caught eating that bacon sandwich

with that face. But it's your face and it's gone all around the internet. What's your plan? Monetise. I go on, I make appearances.

Stop just saying monetise. I make an appearance at like a festival, like on Blackheath Festival. They've got a lovely John Lewis little stand. What are you doing up there? I'll be there

half eating whatever I'm eating. Do you want me in your restaurant eating whatever you are selling? Give me 50 quid. in your front row window of your restaurant eating whatever you are selling give me 50 quid I'll be there

half eating your dinners I've got two problems with that what one 50 quid that's not even covering your expenses to get there that's why you're not

on me major at two at two John Lewis aren't going to want you to advertise their bacon why because you're pulling

that face they want you nowhere near it no I'm it looks like Ed Miliband looks like he was enjoying the idea of eating a bacon sandwich. He was jizzing in his pants. So that is a face of someone genuinely not giving a shit what their face is doing because

they're enjoying a bacon sandwich. A bacon sandwich kind of like a palsy comes over his face because he's just so into the food. Yeah. But then you're going to offend vegetarians and that's not going to be woke enough for you. But he did it. It's true. I'm not going to be eating that. then you're going to offend vegetarians and that's not going to be woke enough for you because of vegetarians. But he did it.

It's true. I'm not going to be eating that. So you're leaning into it. You're not going to try and take a step back. I'm eating cardboard. You're not going to take a step back and say this is all going to blow over.

People will forget about this and I can have a normal life again in a year or two's time. Monetize, baby. So first of all, you're going on to... I want a deposit for a house. I want to get it on my box.

Okay. Well, you're saying monetize. You're saying deposits for a house. You are to get it on my box. Okay. Well, you're saying monetize. You're saying deposits for a house. You are currently £50 up. Yeah. On the deal. That's gross, by the way, because you haven't covered your expenses.

What are you doing next to monetize your meme? The screech model from Serve of the Bell. You're making a porno. Make a porno and stab a man. For goodness sake. This is what I'm saying. People who get backed into corners around memes, there's nowhere to turn.

Hello at LukeandPetra.com to get in touch if you've been in a meme or you have a strategy to deal with if you were ever memed. Open a refuge for memesters. That's a good idea. To look after them. That's a brilliant idea.

Exactly. It'd be like a sideshow, wouldn't it? It'd be like a Victorian sideshow. Yeah, exactly. So there'd be questionable morals around that. Roll up, roll... up no that's not how a refuge works come and look at

our women you might as well monetise it what you might as well monetise it if you ran a women's refuge

you'd monetise it a women's refuge is pretty different to a meme refuge well in that one of them doesn't exist yes but I mean

it's a refuge for people who are trying to get away from being memesters I'm saying why not put glass windows perspex windows,

get people to walk past, there's the guy who gets caught looking at Sonic Hells. Yeah. The attractive runner. Yeah. The little baby gone.

Yeah, thumbs up. Charlie bit my finger. Yeah, they could all be in there. Yeah. Woman pooing in Walmart. You know, all of the people who...

Little monkey in the Ikea with the jacket on. Yes! I wonder how old that monkey is now. But Pete, very, very finally on this. You know when you go to a museum and most of it's free but you get the bit you have to pay for?

Which premium memers would be in the bit you have to pay for? Yeah, they'd be the big boys, yeah. I'm trying to think now. I can't think of many. Because a lot of the memes are like famous people. Like people from Star Wars. I found your lack of faith. Oh, Admiral Ackbar.

Admiral Ackbar would be in there, wouldn't he? What's the one? It's a trap, that bloke. Is that Admiral Ackbar? He'd be in there, yeah. He'd be the king meme. And what about the kid who falls off the log, the Spanish kid? That is a meme only you have ever shown me.

I'm playing it now. His noise is brilliant. Two kids walking on logs across a river, one pulls the log away and the little fat fella falls in the river and makes this noise. Ya wey. Ya wey. I think it's Spanish. No pasa nada.

No wey. Está sucio, está sucio. Here we go. Ya wey. Ya wey. Pinch de penejo wey, ya. Here we go. Pinch de penejo wey, ya. Ya wey. Ya wey. Here we go.

Here we go. He's rotting the log. A little fat fellow's about to fall in. There we go. Dad's filming it. He doesn't care. That sounds fucking horrific. No, he's soaking wet and crying.

That's like a scene from Succession. He would be in the ground floor of the meme refuge. And he'd be wearing a dress that is neither blue nor gold. Would you be like the host, where you'd dress like a circus ringmaster? Yeah. And you would say, when you're about to let people through the mean refuge you would eat your bacon sandwich

and say now let the game commence I'd have a big moustache and a top hat and a powdered wig and at the end of the day I'd take off I'd have a little dressing room

with all the lights around the mirror and I'd take my hat off and I'd take my wig off and I'd go this is all getting too much at the end of the day and if you had like

three or four tours a day you'd have to eat a bacon sandwich every time. It's a lot of bacon sandwiches. Anyway. Anyway. Oh mate,

Rick Astley, shut the fuck up mate. Shut the fuck up mate. Rick Astley be in there. Oh if you wouldn't fucking give it up mate. Rick Astley be in there. I like it when Rick Astley

does his little nonsense with the Foo Fighters which I've met him a couple of times. He's a nice bloke. He works in my building but he, his,

Rick Astley. Rick Astley works in your building? but he, uh, his, his Rick Astley. Rick Astley works in your building? Yeah, he does a show for Magic, I think. Uh, lovely chap, but,

um, his, his shtick with the Foo Fighters is getting slightly old. He's done about seven times now. Do, do, do you think at some point, like,

he'll be singing everlong, and he'll be going, fucking come on then! You don't, if you're going to a Foo Fighters show, I don't want to hear this fucking accent. Yeah. Fucking,

I'm having the time of my life. Tell people what... Never going to give you up. Tell people what actually happens at a Foo Fighters gig these days with Rick Astley. I don't know. Oh, sorry. Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl's quite good friends with,

I think they met at Fuji Rocks Festival. It happened probably about this time last year. They saw Rick Astley backstage. They knew the chords because they're musicians and learning chords is not really a thing that really concerns a musician. Takes five minutes. They know how to play Never Gonna Give You Up, so they dragged

Rick Astley out at Fuji Rocks in Tokyo, in Japan to do Never Gonna Give You Up. But does Rick Astley cross over to a Japanese audience? Well, he's a meme, isn't he? He's a global star because of that. So every time they played on a festival bill together, inexplicably,

which they would do So they basically start Everlong and they Rick Roll people. Everlong, I can't remember. Like, they sometimes do Rick Roll or sometimes get him up to sing, like, My Hero or something.

They'll get him up to do a couple of songs. But in the middle of, like, in the middle of singing, he'll sort of go, fucking come on then! Really? Come on then, everyone!

It's not how you're expecting to speak, is it? No. Never gonna give you up! That's not how you're expecting to speak is it no never gonna give you up that's not bad actually it is mate a lot of people have pointed out

in the past that Foo Fighters always get things going on people up on stage a friend of mine I used to work with a guy called Oli

nice chap he got called up on stage they basically Dave Grohl said we're gonna play this song anyone here can play it on guitar and my mate Oli put his hand up and he pulled it up on stage they basically Dave Grohl said we're going to play this song anyone here

can play it on guitar and my mate Ollie put his hand up and he pulled it up on stage and he played it with him and they do

quite a bit of that don't they they do that Green Day do that quite a lot a lot of bands do it's quite a oh my god

I can't believe this is happening kind of moment but then you see it on YouTube every five minutes I remember Pearl Jam doing it once

and they did it on stage and played like. I remember Pearl Jam doing it once, and they did it on stage and played, like this guy just played, quite complex kind of guitar licks. He played the whole thing and they went... Did people call them licks? I don't know, fucking... Fucking God knows. I just don't care anymore.

Yeah. And being told that I'm out of date by you is fucking rich. Tell us about the licks. Tell us about the fat riffs Pearl Jam got a bloke up and he played the song perfectly and he went you've all been

fucked over I know this guy it's like he's a guitar tech oh really yeah I can play it is that how Eddie Vedder speaks

as well hey it's Eddie Vedder here and um yeah Eddie Vedder used to work in a petrol station.

Imagine that. Would you like some chocolate with your guardian? I don't think. Don't they give out chocolate? I think it's with the time. That's the WH Smith. Which pump do you have?

In a lot of parts of the US, of course. You need windscreen wiper fluid. In a lot of parts of the US, they have to pump the gas for you. You don't have to pump it yourself. Why? I don't know, really.

You're so protective over the oil. Who was the president who was very big into over-employment? It was one of them. Right. In the 50s, I want to say. Right. Post-war, they were like...

I think it's under the New Deal. I think that's Roosevelt. I think so, yeah. Roosevelt, yeah. Teddy! Why? Oh, Teddy! Why? I'm just saying that's Roosevelt. I think so, yeah. Roosevelt, yeah. Teddy! Why? Oh, Teddy! Why?

I'm just saying that's probably why they've got gas attendants rather than having to pump it yourself, because you could just do it yourself. Okay, fair enough. Mind you, none of the people out in the sticks, they're probably huffing it. Teddy Roosevelt is a different Roosevelt to FDR, though, by the way. That's a different Roosevelt, mate.

I can't give a shit, mate. No, no, you can. I feel like I have to correct you because I was going to get a million emails. All right, okay. We won't. We'll get about ten. We no, you can. I feel like I have to correct you because we'll get a million emails. We won't. We'll get about ten. We'll get one. Can I slash a sacred cow?

Is that what you did to a sacred cow? I'm not sure. What a horrible image. Like at the end of... Actually, I won't say that because it's a spoiler. Even though the film

came out in the 70s. Peter. Apocalypse Now? Yeah. You've just done it. I like Dave Grohl. Hang on. Nobody is waiting.

Nobody who has not seen Apocalypse Now. Bearing in mind, I've. Nobody is waiting. Nobody who has not seen Podcast Now, bearing in mind I've never seen that film until, I'd not seen that film until last year. Right. I don't need to know

that a cow, I can't remember a cow dying to be honest. It was an actual cow that was killed, wasn't it? It's quite an iconic scene because when he finally

goes to kill Colonel Kurtz, when he's about to kill him, it cuts to a cow being sacrificed ritually. And that's the... Very heavy handed imagery. That's the metaphor. Well, the kill him, it cuts to a cow being sacrificed ritually. And that's the... Very heavy-handed imagery. That's the metaphor. Well, the thing is,

it works. It works in the film. But anyway... And then Edmund and Amanda's eating a big meatball sub. Well, you know that Marlon Brando turned up for that movie so fat that they couldn't say...

They were like, we cannot possibly get this to the audience that you are a colonel in the army because you are 50 stone. They put loads of really black clothes on him. They only shot him from the neck up in the end. Anyway, I like Dave Grohl.

I'm a fan of his. I like a lot of his music. He seems like a lovely chap. But is he too nice? When does it get to the point where it's a bit annoying? No, I think he's more hard-nosed than you think. Right.

No, I think he's always been... He was one of the first people to sort of realise that your public image is quite important and you don't have to be a fucking dickhead. You don't have to be an enigma. Yeah. He's always very sort of... But then I think people will take advantage of your time a little bit.

Yeah, I think you could probably be hard-nosed and say, look, I'm not doing that. But you're still be a nice person I sort of fear with recording artists like George Ezra for example

a man who is selling out arenas all over the world he he's very nice and I just worry that is he too nice to make music

do you want to hear from those people isn't Lewis Capaldi supposed to be like that as well yeah he's like a real jipster he's a pretty good one as well yeah he's really you know when you sort of see kids who be like that as well yeah he's like a real jipster he's a pretty good one as well yeah he's really you know when you

sort of see kids who are like that kid's probably like 22 or something yeah and he's fucking a charisma bomb and fucking funny

and you're like well look you're sort of opposite him mate like he is fucking hilarious and I really enjoy his work

but and then he does these amazing beautiful ballads that he's written. I can't sort of tally the two, really. Are you saying there's trickery afoot? No, I'm not saying there's trickery afoot. I'm just saying it's really,

I think it's really difficult to maintain both sides of the coin. Because people want to hear an emotional, tortured artist. Or they say they do, rather than a jibster. They're listening to one now, aren't they? I know, right? Would you say you're emotionally tortured?

No. I do the emotional torture. I am the one that cooks. You're the torturer, not the torturerine. Yeah, exactly. Pete, there's a story I found in the papers

this week, which I thought would be up your street. Ex-Google worker fears killer robots could cause mass atrocities. Engineer who quit over military drone project warns AI might also accidentally start a war. Laura Nolan, who resigned from Google last year in protest of being sent to work on a project to dramatically enhance US military drone technology,

has called for all AI killing machines not operated by humans to be banned. Yeah, I mean... What do you think about that? A, good luck with that one because they will be doing whatever the fuck they want. And B, yeah, I don't think AI should really be involved in the ending of people's lives. No. It's not ideal, is it?

I thought you'd be all for the technology, though. I'm all for the technology. What should it do instead? I don't know, deliver flowers. Yeah, that'd be nice. Deliver little flowers. No, it's difficult, isn't it? You shouldn't have AI involved in that.

There needs to be a line drawn. But I think the people, the lawmakers who got their hand on the tiller, the people who can stop this sort of thing, are not very technically minded. So therefore, we have a generation of venture capitalists and Silicon Valley entrepreneurs doing whatever the fuck they want. Because people who are in politics

and, like you say, make laws are older generally. So they're not as literate in the technology. Yeah. But surely that's always been the case. I think the technological age, certainly computers and stuff has moved so quickly i don't think anyone's right i don't think anyone if you went to most cabinet ministers and you asked what um i don't know what what uh what's crypto what is crypto what is artificial

intelligence what are all of these sort of big ticket sort of things that everyone's talking about um no one would have a fucking clue what they what they are they they've got their ipad and they've got their mobile phone uh and and they they conduct most of their business but face to face i would say what's the outcome going to be death death why destruction spread of death it's all right we're in england and we are rich relatively before we all die, let's take a break and do some emails afterwards. Oh, before we go there, do you know there's this kit that you can add to a Boeing 707, like a big plane,

that allows you to land on gravel? I was obsessed with this yesterday. It's like a little shoe. So, say you land on a landing strip that's not paved, or not tarmac'd. Why would you do that? Say again? Why would you do that's not paved or not tarmacked. Why would you do that?

Say again? Why would you do that? Well, because some places like Alaska don't have tarmacked things. They just can't do it. Right. Maybe the tarmac doesn't settle. It's too cold. I don't fucking know.

Right. But either way, sometimes you've got to land on stuff. It's like landing on a beach, isn't it? It's like you need a situation. Planes should not be landed on beaches. Planes land on beaches all the time. Well, little ones. Yeah, not massive 747s

but there are bigger planes that have to land on gravel for whatever reason cargo planes stuff like that and some kind of you know

passenger planes that have to go to weird places in Alaska and stuff but they've got to land on gravel and just rocks and stuff so the front wheel

has this adorable little shoe on it and also out of each engine, there's a little pipe that sprays air to make a vortex to move the gravel away from the actual engines so the gravel doesn't go on the engines and fuck it up. That's fucking cool.

It is cool. Honestly, look for a gravel Boeing 747 or whatever kit. You'd say it wasn't a 747. What? You'd say it wasn't a 747. What? You'd say it wasn't a 747 because the big ones can't land on it. No, the big ones can't land if they're fitted with this. Oh, right.

Right, so it's amazing. What are they called? They must be called... Little gravel shoes. Little gravel shoes. All right, have a break. Come back and we'll put our little gravel shoes on. So the first step is to find the right position for you. Put your hands down and lower your chest to the ground.

Just do that and pretend that you're holding poop in. And it should sound a lot like this. He's making his own vortex there to keep gravel out of his bum. I'm really pleased for him that at the end of that, the pump sound is very good. It's very shrill. Yeah, but if it was just like a little air biscuit it'd be a real letdown

wouldn't it it's more the pump is just not the point of the thing it's the eating it's the eating and the crisp gets me every time

have you ever asked your Alexa or your Google Home to your little have you got one of those little things at home little ice hockey pucks

that tell us what the weather's going to be like no because I'm worried they're going to bring a drone down against me yeah you've got you have got a laptop

with a little bit of tape over your camera because you saw a Silicon Valley entrepreneur do it I don't want to be looked at I don't want to be

I don't want to be dirty den do you know why I'm doing it dirty Ronaldini because people should pay to have to watch me like they will be doing

at Football Ramble Live Pete anyway carry on ramblelive.com come and see us it's basically the Luke and Pete show two other twats

yeah and that's what we're going to be what were you going to say what were you going to say I can't remember now what was I going to say no it doesn't matter

oh yeah you asked at the far you can go Google ok ok Google I'm just going to say? No, it doesn't matter. Bollocks. Oh, yeah, you actually fart. You can go Google. Okay, Google. I'm just going to set people's Okay, Google's off, innit? Okay, Google. Fart.

And they go, Okay, this is a wet one. Well, actually, do they? Honestly. What about Alexa? Does Alexa do that? Alexa does it well. It's very unseemly.

It is endlessly humorous. Right. International language of farts. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com is the place to get in touch with us. We are on social media as well. You can find us using the obvious stuff. I think it's just Luke and Pete Show.

We don't do much on there because we can't be bothered and we're busy. But sometimes you see some stuff shared. Kieran Curtis has been in touch saying, Hi Luke and Pete. Long time listener.

Second time emailer. though he doesn't reference the first time he emailed us all you Luke and Pete show completists out there will know better than us why he emailed the first time around Kieran says bloody love all your shows

and recently caught up with the Luke and Pete show so can hopefully add something interesting and mildly amusing to the cat injuries and ailments chat my cat Kisia she's Polish and her name literally just means cat injuries and ailments chat. My cat, Kisia, she's Polish,

and her name literally just means cat. I hope I've pronounced that right. I probably haven't. Was vomiting a few months ago, so we took her to the vet. The vet gave her an anti-sickness injection, some anti-hairball paste. Sounds like thermal paste.

And then said something in Polish I didn't quite catch. However, both the vet and my fiance turned and looked at me. I was confused, but it turns out she'd asked if we had any experience in collecting a urine sample from a cat before. Safe to say we hadn't, so the vet gave us some tips and off we went with a little pot and pipette to collect the poor little cat's piss.

It was Friday evening. A piss pipette? Yeah, it was Friday evening. Pool shapes! Cool. Yeah, who are they? The pipettes. Oh, the pipettes, the pipettes that's right

yeah do you know the guy who was Jolene the ding dong dong yeah Jolene was the drummer isn't he now an actor you see him every now and again

on some sitcoms yeah anyway his biggest claim to fame this week is being included in an email about a man

collecting his cat's piss it was Friday evening and I'd already arranged to meet a mate for a few drinks, but didn't want to leave my cat alone, because then I'd missed the opportunity to suck up her urine. So fast forward a couple of hours, and me, my fiance, and my mate are sat having a couple of beers,

waiting for the cat to piss in their empty litter tray. Obviously, cat litter is absorbent, so it can't be in there. In classic cat style, she waited till 11 the next morning to relieve herself. I congratulated her, delivered the pot to the vet, and can thankfully say that she's alright now. Not a typical Friday night, but we had a laugh about it. Keep up the good work,

Kieran. Just running around after your cat, trying to collect her piss. I wouldn't be able to do that, because my cats wouldn't know what to do. They'd go to the outside. Well, because cats like, because animals just, they dogs certainly, when they do a pop-pop or do a wee-wee, they don't like to be watched, do they? They go to it outside well because cats like because animals just they dogs certainly when they do a pop pop or do a wee wee they sort of they don't like to be watched do they they look really weird when they look like they look at you like really what you're looking at me before you

fucking deviant yeah yeah yeah i always sort of think if you i like petting dogs but sometimes i'll sort of go oh what's its name um what's, uh, they'll, cause I don't want to go, cause you know, it's a boy. What's his name? What's her name? Yeah. And I'm fairly certain there aren't any,

you know, it's not 2019 in the dog world. Are you so woke that you're worried about gender pronouns? No, I just, I just don't want to look at the fucking dog's Willie and go, cause yeah, like I'll sort of go,

Oh, what's his name? Big pair of balls hanging out the back. And then, and then and then the owner will go sorry were you just looking at my dog's cock winky

yeah has that ever happened no but I'm constantly in fear of it happening what do you do then what's your tactic what I go oh you give me

that dog I want to give it a big hug what's your tactic what do you mean I say oh what's his name what's his name what do you do with a baby if you see? Oh, what's his name? What's his name?

What do you do with a baby? Have you seen a newborn baby? What's his name?

Dressed in neutral colours. Neutral colours. What do you do? What do you do?

What do you mean? What's his name? There's very few people, there's very few times I'd

go up to a person with a baby and go, what's their name? What's their name? Okay, I'll give you a scenario

which is not ridiculous alright you see someone that you haven't seen for 10 years you used to work with them they're friends with you but you lost touch

they've got a baby and the baby is dressed in neutral colours they say oh hello Pete it's really nice to see you how are you doing right

and then look at their own baby what do you do what the fuck is going on there dinkle off, Adge. Surely you just say, oh, what's the baby's, what's her name? What's this little thing?

What's his name? What's this little bundle of joy? Yeah, what's the baby's name? Yeah, but what if the name is kind of neutral? Oh, yeah, so they say it. Taylor. Taylor.

Well, it's because it's got a job did you see that piece in the AP where it was like about Sam Smith deciding that his pronoun

is there I've done it myself fucking hell their pronoun their pronoun is there and the AP right through all the way through

the fucking piece it was his he has decided that and he has said that and his opinion is that and it's like yeah you've kind of you've kind of

do you reckon they were taking the piss or just banging out coffee quickly that would be that would be unnecessary yeah that would be unwelcome

I believe it would so Pete what's your tactic going to be going forward when you see a dog why do you need to care if it's a boy or a girl

what why do you need to care if it's a male or female dog? That's a good point, yeah. That's a good point. Just stroke it and say, what a lovely dog. What a lovely dog. Yeah, but you don't say, what a lovely human when you say a baby, do you?

No, because it's different, isn't it? It's different, isn't it? Some babies look really pretty and cute and some babies look like... It doesn't matter. You're not going to mention how attractive the baby is. No, I'm just saying. Fit! Some of them are like old men or frogs, don't they?

Old men and frogs. They do, yeah. Joined together. I like to think of the fucking neonatal ward. Neonatal ward. That's the two sections. Oh, you're unique

on the frog ward. Let's do another email real quick. Do you want to do one or do you want me to do one? You do one because I opened one that was about...

That's alright. Joe. Hello, local beats. I prefer you withhold my surname. And I did. I did it, Joe. Yes. He's not called Joe, yes, is he?

I am circumcised, but my son isn't. My wife and I felt it was a pretty invasive procedure for his child for not obvious benefit. In regards to being traumatised, once he notices his is different to mine, he's eight years old now, but from an early age, he is regularly seeing me naked, coming out of the changed for swimming etc i can't remember all the year it was but at some point he just asked me why his was different to mine yeah and i explained and that was the end of it and i enjoy that use of the word end of it this is an email that is partly

um fueled by you a week or two ago saying the only time you saw your dad your dad, your dad's appendage, is when he was sat on the toilet. Having a fag. Having a fag. Doing a shit. Taking a dump. Yeah.

And you didn't receive any sex education at all from your parents. That's all I needed. Dad's like fags on the toilet. Reading a newspaper and having a shit. And mum's not around. That's a lot. Because I've heard that cigarettes make you poo, don't they?

Right. In the morning. I know coffee does, doesn't it? Yeah, coffee, cigarettes. Right. It's getting ready for the day. Right.

Doing a poo first thing in the morning is just too much action. You don't want to disturb your equilibrium. Well, you sort of wake up and you're like, right, okay, I'm just easing myself

in the day. I don't need, oi, Pete, it's action stations, mate. What time? What have I been myself in the day. I don't need... Oi, Pete. It's action stations, mate. What time... What have I been doing in the night that has meant that that's happening? These days, are you regular then? So you...

Yes, yes, I'm regular. But is it the same time every day? It's usually when I... If I do this, I'll do something. Even if I go to the shops to get something, when I come back, as I'm just getting in the house my body goes Peter

it's time right and it's really interesting like my body goes Peter you're about to come home yeah and it's

oh it's so pleasurable but don't you feel like because you keep quite weird hours it can affect your digestive system yeah because you probably eat meals at weird times and everything I do

I eat much later than a lot of people and the circadian rhythm probably doesn't like it it was 2am I'd finished succession I've mentioned it before

fuck me that's a show I need to get involved in that fuck me that's a show what season is it on I think season 2 is on Sky Atlantic catch up a ball then

catch up a ball yeah I have demolished an entire season in a week or so it's fucking brilliant and everyone's very good in it. So you were watching it late night, were you? I was watching it late night, and I was eating a...

I was holding it, you know like a baby would do a night feed? Yeah. 2 a.m. this morning, I was eating the rest of my succulent Chinese meal with a spoon on a plate, watching Succession in front of my projector. Well, behind the projector. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to see anything. What did your Airbnb guests think? It was a bit.

It was a bit of spicy chicken. Was it spicy chicken? Lemon chicken? Lemon chicken. Lemon chicken. Went for the classics. Lemon chicken, hot and sour soup, some rice,

and the shredded beef. So, yeah. Classic. As people who listen to the show regularly know, it's Pete's death row meal. And on that note, on that very, very tasty and nutritious note,

we'll leave you. Oh, I was talking about this on Friday, death row meal. Sorry to jump in there. That's all right. Which I've done twice in a row in recent memory.

Don't worry. I was talking to someone and I left on a table. We were having like a big do at work and I looked to my left and I left on a table. We were having a big do at work and I looked to my left and a lad called Will, who's a really lovely, adorable man,

his death row starter would be prawn cocktail. What's wrong with that? That's fucking shit. It's why. He likes it, obviously. Absolute shit. What would yours be? It wouldn't be prawn cocktail.

What would it be? It would be upwards of scallops. Upwards. Scallops as a minimum. Minimum scallops. Absolute shame. What would yours be? It wouldn't be prawn cocktail. What would it be? It would be upwards of scallops. Upwards. Scallops as a minimum. Minimum scallops. As a minimum. All right, we'll see you on Monday. Have a lovely weekend.

You've made it through to the weekend almost. It's Friday tomorrow. Enjoy it. We'll see you on Monday for more of this. That's goodbye from Pete. Goodbye from Luke. That's me. See you next time.

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