The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 20: Groovy Baby, Oh Yeah!

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

Luke and Pete are back and Pete is dressed as Edward Scissorhands, an outfit that garnered him great feedback from none other than Tim Burton himself, Luke has been to the Crystal Maze and there's plenty of tim to get stuck into Richard Gere, obviously.If that's not enough to sink your teeth into, we have an email about a family Christmas dinner that will make you question the very concept of the nuclear family and Pete fills us in on Japanese mummies. To send us pictures of your own self-mummification, or anything else: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

all right welcome back to the luke and pete show it's episode 20 god we're old god we're old 20 now 20 years young we're soon we're gonna be riding cars with boys i tell you are there more episodes of this or Fast and the Furious? What are they on? Nine now? There must be on a few, yeah. What's the last one? I lost count

of Tokyo Drift. I think I've only seen the first one. You must have done some press junkets for them all though. No. Really?

I never had to do that. Never had to bother Vin Diesel for any reason. Right. It's fine. It's fine. Who was it? I saw Blade Runner.

Oh, the new one. Hot dog. I enjoy Blade Runner. And there'll probably be an online backlash saying it's not as good as you think it is. Rah, rah, rah. But, you know, it was good. It was bloody good. I didn't even notice how long it was.

Which I think was cracking on for three hours in the end. But it was beautifully shot. Denis Villeneuve. So it's been exceptionally well reviewed. Oh, it's so good. And I think because my wife hasn't seen the original, we're going to watch the original this weekend, and then we're going to go to the cinema next week and watch it.

I think it will compare favourably to the original. I imagine it will, yeah. I think sometimes with, I can't remember what version I watched back in the day because remember like they had as a director well yeah and he had like he had his voice replaced didn't he or something there was like one of them's got i think i'm gonna say famously now but i can't quite remember i think famously it's one version has got narration and one hasn't right and i don't know which one's which so maybe that's it yeah because i got for some reason in my head i thought that they'd replaced harrison thod Right. And I don't know which one's which. Oh, so maybe that's it, yeah. For some reason in my

head I thought that they'd replaced Harrison Ford's Pipes, but I don't know, that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? It would be a bit. My trepidation of watching the new one comes from the fact that I'm not really a fan of Ryan Gosling. I don't like him that much. I think he's very watchable, I think he doesn't do much

and... He never does, does he? No, but I think, in the same way that you were talking with Ben a couple of weeks ago about actors that don't have to do much, they just have to hold everything together. I think he's in the Steve McQueen mould, that kind of way, where you just have to be beautiful

and not really do much. Steve McQueen's got some chops, though. Bad education. Gosling. Half Nelson, isn't it called? Oh, yeah. Bad education was that terrible BBC Two Nelson, isn't it called? Oh, yeah. Bad Education was that terrible BBC Two... With Jack Whitehall.

With Jack Whitehall. Yeah. Bad Education. Yeah, that one. He's good in that. I mean, my evidence was... Lars and the Real Girl. I haven't seen any of those.

Right. Well, those two are decent. But I'll tell you two of them I have seen. Place Beyond the Pines. That's a piece of shit film, but it's a beautiful shot. I didn't think it was a piece of shit film or anything. I just thought he didn't really do anything. Well, he just did Drive again, didn't he? He just did the kind of quiet, moody man.

Drive, to me, was just like an elongated music video. Yeah, it was good, wasn't it? It was quite cool to watch. I was walking around Japan listening to the whole soundtrack. The soundtrack's amazing. There's a beautiful Tumblr blog dedicated to men who've gone to fancy dress parties as his character in Drive

and they all look absolutely shit. Yeah, it's so funny. Never pick someone legendarily handsome. Never pick someone legendarily cool. Just always go fucking stupid. And you would know about both those things, don't you? Massively. You are legendarily cool and legendarily

handsome. I have done I was was going to say beer watch, David Boy as the Goblin King, Jareth. Yes, you have. I've gone as Edward Cezanne about five times. Just let more than that, because you paid 100 quid for the outfit, so you go all the time as Edward Cezanne. The annoying thing is I only use half of it, because the kind of fake leather, the faux leather,

is the full suit, his full kind of like black leather suit. Is it perished? No, the lining's perished. No, but I wear trousers when he tries to pretend to be a human boy. Yeah. And so I try to... It's very hot. Have you ever gone to a fancy dress party

as his porn star alter ego Edward Painter's hands? No, but when I was interviewing the director of Edwards and Hans, Tim Burton, I did show him a picture of me dressed as Edwards and Hans. What did he say? He actually went, Oh, that's you? And he was really surprised.

He was really pleased with my performance. He's trying to sell a film, isn't he? He's trying to sell a movie. Don't be rude. To be fair to you, Pete. He said that I could be in the aforementioned Edward Penishand's films. Well, I agree with that. And I had films.

Apparently there was two. Well, listen, I am someone... What story was not told at the end of that? Well, who knows? The mind boggles. I would be someone who's not shy in having a pop at you for ridiculous clothes that you occasionally wear. It's affectionate. It's not a mean thing.

No. Locker room. Exactly. I would have to be totally fair and say that your fancy dress outfits i mean you wear them every day but no no your fancy dress outfits are very very good the kids would say they are on point i hate um people who've got fancy dress parties half-arsed well my thing is they're above it so fuck you yeah i think get involved or don't I agree But I also hate it When people use it As an excuse to try and be sexy

Oh it's Halloween I want to go as a sexy nurse It's nothing to do with Halloween That's not Yeah but that's not That's not their fault That's the That's Smith

It's usually Smithies They're the big They're the big costumiers What else do they do That company Smithies They have fake noses And fucking

You know Nurses Busty nurses I'd love to hear from a listener Who's worked at Smithies Well men's and fucking you know nurses busty nurses I'd love to hear from a listener who's worked at Smithies that'd be great

it's a factory it's not an outlet Angel's the outlet but someone has to work there it sounds like a company that'd be in

Bash Street Kids or something but they never I think they just go to Google and go right what are people talking about

what have people been talking about the last year I bet there's a Smithies drive costume I bet there is I bet there is oh I bet there is but Pete the thing is

someone's got to actually work there yeah someone has to work there yeah but I'd like to meet the person in Smithies who goes right I think a

Ryan Gosling drive costume is just what it's going to fly off the shelves this year and let's get rid of the sexy Kool-Aid girl Pete I'll tell you

what they did an absolute killing on Austin Powers mate eh? Austin Powers they were all Eh? Austin Powers. They were all over the place, weren't they, for years? Eh, babe.

My mate had to do some stand-up once dressed as Austin Powers. Why? Because for the launch of The Spy Who Shagged Me, he had to... He was a stand-up and he had to go

and do his normal stand-up set. That's the worst job ever. I would do it. Do his normal stand-up set in some dirty nightclub in Leicester Square to a lot of indifferent I think there were people

going to watch the premiere and he had to do some stand up dressed as dressed as Austin Powers not doing any material right not doing any shagadelic material but we're both in the situation

where we do work or we get we get like radio work basically doing different stuff you do a lot more corporate stuff and commercial stuff than I do but is there anything

that you would say no I'm not doing it it's the major food groups the sun isn't it it's the major kind of like no I don't mean specific brands I just

mean the job I think this is too embarrassing I'm not doing it I don't really care about your ethics I mean the actual job itself not much no

so if they said that you've got to do that you've got to present the whole thing so there's going to be here's a scenario for you then right next year there's going to be a new Austin Powers movie and the person You've got to do that You've got to present the whole thing So there's going to be Here's a scenario for you then right Next year there's going to be A new Austin Powers movie

Yeah And the person they've decided To be involved in the premiere Is Pete Donaldson Yeah And you have got to dress Like Austin Powers And you have to do

Your whole presentation thing But after every sentence You've got to say Groovy baby Oh yeah Will you do it Yeah I mean that'll be big bucks That'll be more bucks Than I'm usually used to But I'm asking you If you'd do it or not, I mean, that'll be big bucks. That'll be more bucks than I'm usually used to.

But I'm asking you whether you'd do it or not. Yeah, I probably would. I would pay 500 quid to see it. I would go and watch it. I would go and watch it. It'd be so funny. Well, you know. I've not heard from anyone called Paul Jackson yet,

as requested last week. Where's your PJs, Luke? I don't know. Where are your PJs? I'm hoping they're going to manifest themselves at some point. Crying out loud. For those who didn't hear last week's show, Paul Jackson is the bass player of Tapal.

I thought it was such a... What would the word be for it? Such a boring, ordinary name that I thought there must be someone out there called that. But anyway, so far, no. Terence Trent Darby changed his name. To what?

To something else. And he said it saved his life because he said he killed Terence Trent Darby and he was so happy. Shall I look it up? It's not important. Sananda Maltreya? Yeah, because when I first heard it

I thought, oh, has he transitioned or something? But no, he's just changed his name. But his original name is Terence Trent something or other, which is weird. Oh, right. Sign your name across my heart.

That's a good tune, that. Sign your name... Oh, we're not going to sing. It's been... Oh, too quiet. It's been... Have you got sign your name on there? That was... It's been somewhere probably, that. Sign... Oh, we're not going to sing. Oh, too quiet. It's been... Have you got Sign Your Name on there? That was It's Been somewhere, probably.

It's Been. Would you want me to go first? Well, that was my It's Been. I've seen Blade Runner. Oh, you did it before the jingle again. What's the point of having these jingles? I'm putting the cart before the horse. You are.

It's fine. And the horse is bolted. Okay, so you saw Blade Runner. You don't want to do any spoilers, but can you say anything else about it? Oh, God, it's impossible to... Oh, the actor who... It's impossible to talk saw Blade Runner You don't want to do any spoilers But can you say anything else about it? Oh god, it's impossible to Oh, the actor who It's impossible to talk about Blade Runner's plot

Without giving away spoiler after dripping spoiler It's so spoilery But there are some wonderful performances The guy who played Noy Albanoi Or Noy the Albanoi One of my favourite Icelandic films One of my favourite films in fact A very bleak tale about an albino boy

who wants to escape his dreary life in Iceland somewhere in the arsene of Norway and he I once went to Iceland and I just happened to be in a pub and I went that is Noy the Albino and I raced after him

he came in he was wearing what could only be described as a smock and he came in, he was wearing like, what could only be described as a smock and he came in to the bar, left immediately. He saw the prices. He saw the prices. He's ridiculous, he said. And I chased after him and I said,

are you Noy the Albanoi? And he went, yes. I went, oh, can I get a picture? I never do that, but it's Noy Albanoi, which is, you know, not many people know who he is. But he's in Blade Runner. He plays a librarian. Is he a nice chap?

Lovely chap. Lovely sweet chap. And it was around about one o'clock in the morning when it was just starting to get light again, which is interesting, in Iceland. So there we go. What did you like about the film, though, just particularly? I thought it, quality-wise, it's up there.

It was decent yeah um but i i'm a sucker for anything um futuristic and uh and with a lot of japanese kanji slash um korean hangul kicking around cool it's beautiful just such a beautiful such a beautiful picture yeah i'm looking forward to uh to seeing it i really am who directed it again uh villeneuve and what else has he done? I don't know. I'm not a film buff, I must admit. It takes something

for me to actually sit down and I'm a bit Michael Owen in many ways. Oh, really? It takes me something to actually sit down and watch a film. I sort of go...

Apparently you did Sicario, but I haven't seen that. Oh, that's good. That's decent. Did you do that? Maybe I'm a Villeneuve fan. Secretly, I just didn't know. Oh, you did Arrival, which is absolutely brilliant.

Oh, I've never seen that yet. That's fantastic. That's three bangers in a row. There we go. He's up there now, isn't he? He's right up there. Arrival is honestly one of the most intelligent sci-fi movies I've seen for a long time. I enjoyed the fact that him and Ridley Scott just had almost a stand-up row

at one of the press launches about Decker being a replicant or not. Oh, God. I think the years haven't been... The years, I think, haven't been kind to Ridley Scott, but obviously this guy's stepping in and directing it, and he's sort of... I think Ridley Scott's slightly rewriting history, sort of going, well, it doesn't make any sense if

Decker isn't a replicant. And Villeneuve's going, no, he could be not a replicant. And he's going, I made the film! I made the film! Ridley Scott's old now. He'll be 80 next month. Is he? 80 next month.

Holy moly. And he's still grafting. No, he made the cut of the Alien movies, didn't he, recently? He went to college at the end of my street. He's from your neck of the woods, isn't he? I don't know. No, he's from Wales.

No. I think he's from Wales. Is he really? I think he might be from Wales, you know. I thought he was from your neck of the woods. No, but weirdly, like my Wales. Is he really? I think he might be from Wales, you know. I thought he was from your neck of the woods. No, but weirdly, like my mother,

he ended up in Hartlepool briefly. Born in South Shields, so jokes on you. Oh, fuck. I've been, listen, you're going to sound tacky,

but trust me when I tell you, it is brilliant. I went and did the Crystal Maze experience. Mate, I've done it before. I enjoyed it immensely it's a great it is honestly

so good I cannot stress how good it is I had so many misgivings about how it's not going to be as good as the original

it was honestly from start to finish like exactly like doing the entire Crystal Maze it's brilliant the guy we had to take us around

was fantastic yeah those guys are really rather well put together. So I have this thing, I'm not really a huge fan, you might be the same, of these sort of out-of-work comedians and actors who do these sort of extroverted type things, like performance art type stuff.

I'm the sort of guy who cringes when I walk down the road and someone comes up to me. Well, it's just like London Dungeon kind of thing. But that's what you get though, isn't it? Yeah, but that's what you get to go round with, isn't it? Yeah, but you can't call them out because they're literally working, acting. And the guy performing the Richard O'Brien role for us

was this guy called Flint Angel. And he was so good. Yeah. He's so good from start to finish. He was in character the whole time. Yeah. And I got to do a physical game, got the crystal,

and a mental game, didn't get the crystal but I got one out of two and we were chucked into a team it was four of us and four people we didn't know

it was a team of eight but you can book it as a team of eight where you know everyone that's what we did I knew everybody apart from two people and those two people

got on my tits like you wouldn't believe yeah it can happen competitive people our people you know what I'm like our people were right,

actually. They were cool. But when you did it, did you do two games? I did two games. Did you get the crystals? I got the crystals in one and I got an automatic look in.

Did you really? Because I was honest. I put my foot on the green, which is the hot lava. And obviously, there's no indication whether you've done it or not. And nobody actually noticed,

but I went, ah, balls. Oh, really? Was that a physical game in Aztec Zone? That was a physical, yeah. Well, you had to run around and get the eggs? Yes. That's the one I did.

I got the crystal. Well, I could have done it. That's the annoying thing. But I was honest. And I got locked in. Oh, am I locked in? So I had to solve a puzzle, which was really easy. But I really laboured over it.

OK. So for those who are listening who don't know what we're talking about, there was a quiz show in the 90s, easy but I'm really laboured over it. Okay. So for those who are listening and don't know what we're talking about there was a quiz show in the 90s a physical sort of type role play quiz show where you have to go and

do as a team of however I think there's five in the show and the guide takes you around different zones and you do different types of games to

get a crystal and if you do the game and complete it without getting a penalty you get a crystal and each crystal means five seconds in the

crystal dome at the end and you collect as many gold tokens as you can at the end and you exchange those gold tokens for prizes and it was like an iconic like cultish 90s game show wasn't it and they've done a completely new experience the one i went to was in north london but i think they're dotted around and i just cannot recommend it enough it was such fun it was really good and it's what i liked about it is they had all of these little scenes. And if you looked into the ceiling, it was just like they'd clearly just repurposed an office. That's right. Because you had the polystyrene squares at the top.

Did you watch the little video of Richard O'Brien at the beginning? No, has he been added in? I've not seen that. It's just like a compilation clip, Sting. Oh, right. Because he... I don't think I appreciate how good he was. He owns the rights,

doesn't he? And he also wrote Rocky Horror Picture Show. He must be minted. Does he live in Australia now, I think? I saw him in the Groucho once

and two men were doing some drugs in the toilet. Is that... Yeah, I think that's all right to say. He shouldn't be doing it, but, you know, they didn't get caught,

so what are you going to do? It might be bad For the reputation of the groucho Well the groucho Will make it very clear On pretty much every pane Of glass in the toilet That anybody

Can't do it Will be Taken out And prosecuted And shot To the fullest extent of the law Yeah And

And Richard O'Brien Was outside the cubicle And he was like Oh somebody's doing drugs in there Leave some there for me. Ooh. And then he just left the toilet. Was he really over the top?

Yeah, and I thought, brilliant, that's all I needed from you. That's all I needed from you, Richard. I don't think I appreciated how good he was when I saw it on TV. Fantastic. You know, you'd put those sort of characters that we forget so easily,

like your Barry Miles. His, I guess you know ended in a slightly different way but I think sometimes you sort of go oh they were

really bloody good they were force of nature proper entertainers yeah alright good well that's what I've been doing so you've been

listening to my I've been to Crystal May's experience I think I told you before that I've seen it I saw it in the movie recently

that's quite good I don't know if I told you or Ben I can't remember now but that's worth seeing as well. Yeah, did you go, like, a midnight screening or something like that? No. No?

I sprint normally. Oh, OK. That's good. But, yeah, shall we do some emails? Let's do some emails. Let's get into the next section of the show. OK, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete.

I told you never to argue with the customers. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Yeah, you, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Yeah, you've got to stop doing it. I don't think you should ever be in a customer service role anyway. Have I ever been a customer? I used to be in a betting shop. I used to work in a betting shop.

Zoo? John Joyce. Zoo's quite a customer service role, eh? No, I worked in an education district. What were you doing there? I was tasked with creating a... Teaching the monkeys. CD-ROM.

CD-ROM. Teaching the monkeys how to be better monkeys. Now, I was making an educational CD-ROM that I never finished, to my eternal discredit. How long did you work there for? Yeah, I did my... It took you years to do one CD-ROM and you didn't finish it? Honestly, it was a joke. But I sort of talked them down to just doing

three days a week, because I was in a band and I thought it was cool. I thought, I'm not going to need you guys anymore. Did you get paid? Well, that's the thing. It was a 50 quid week and that's not liveable, honourable. So I was on hardship grants and all kinds of shit to get through it. So yeah, not great.

Not ideal. Never mind. Makes sense. Do you want to do an email first? Yeah. There's a really long one here, but do you want to do one first and then I'll do this one after? Okay. Give's a really long one here, but do you want to do one first and then I'll do this one after? Okay. Give me a rest. All right, then.

Shall we go for... Well, I'm going to do Anonymous. Anonymous's email. Is that all right? This is not the really long one about the... Does it start off, Dear Luke and Pete slash Pete and Luke? Yes, it is. Do you want to do that? Because you've got the chops.

That's the long one I was going to do. Okay, all right. We'll do that one. We'll do that one. It's a good one. It's a long one, but it's a good one. Okay, right. So the sender of this email would like to remain anonymous,

but he says, Dear Luke and Pete slash Pete and Luke. It is Luke and Pete. Fine. Apologies for what has ended up being a ridiculously long email. I completely understand it. It's too rambling for the use in your show. Well, it isn't, Mr. Anonymous. He says, I wanted to add to your compendium

of awkward family dinner stories. I'm afraid mine doesn't hit the heights of greedy cuntgate, which I love that he's calling it that, although it is Christmas-based. It is also about a clash of cultures, the upper-middle-class pomposity of my father and the tight-fisted absurdity of my aunt, my mum's sister. To give you the measure of their characters, my dad was an officer in the army

and boasts that he hasn't gotten on the ruddy tube in ten years, although he works in London a lot. My aunt, on the other hand, joyfully quibbles over ten-pence discounts at supermarket checkouts and once interrupted an email chain about a relative's funeral to advertise her discount greetings cards wow wow i love it so seven or eight years ago now my family were going to spend christmas at my aunt's house and she and my dad had come to an uneasy truce she would do the cooking and he would provide the drinks the tone was set on christmas eve when a trifle consisting predominantly of strawberry angel delight was paired with a 20 pound dessert wine which my uncle described

quite accurately as like a melted calippo much to my dad's sugar in however worse was to come when the turkey on christmas day came around now my dad takes pride in being the first customer to order his from the local butcher each year in July but my aunt's turkey was not from a local butcher or even from the local Tesco. No, it was from her meat man her words not mine, who trundles around her neighbourhood selling dead animals

of dubious provenance from the back of a van. Just stolen, murdered animals. It really was vile Pete apparently. Sitting in the fridge it looked like somebody had half-heartedly draped a large rice pudding skin over the sagging buttocks of an elderly cadaver. It didn't look any better after cooking,

and when instructed to carve it, my uncle approached it with the glassy-eyed resignation of someone forced to dissect a childhood pet. Once on my plate, it was actually a relief to find that it only had the taste and texture of soggy cardboard, but it was still profoundly unpleasant to find that it only had the taste and texture of soggy cardboard but it was still profoundly unpleasant to eat and proved to be too much for my dad after enduring a couple of fork falls he rose from the table with the excuse that he had

to get more drinks from the cool box after 10 minutes we realized he still hadn't come back so my aunt went to search for him she went across the hallway into the kitchen where she found him furiously frying two turkey breasts that he had smuggled along in the cool box on christmas day smuggling in his own turkey at the time of course we at the dining table didn't know of his deceit all we heard was my aunt screaming horror and my dad bellow the immortal words i'm not eating any more of that damnable foul to which my aunt almost betted with her response of, oh, fuck off back to the 19th century. I don't know who I'm with there. I know, it's a difficult one.

Yeah, damnable fowl. I hate tight-fisted people. Fuck off back to the 19th century. I'm going with the posh dad. He says the exchange was both the peak and the deer of every family Christmas I've ever had. It led to a blazing row between both sets of parents, which cast a shadow over the rest of the day

but my cousins, my brother and I were crying tears of laughter at how ridiculous the situation was. Even more so when my dad proclaimed a couple of minutes later that my aunt's turkey gave a new meaning to the term cock-o-van. Both my dad's turkey breasts and my aunt's shriveled meat lump of doom ended

up in the bin. To this day, she still sometimes tells my dad to piss off back to the 19th century or stick his monocle up his arse, but her words have become infused with warmth over time and the whole incident is now the stuff of family legend. That is a great email. That is a great email.

Well written, well dispatched. Thank you, Anonymous. Thank you very much, Mr. Anonymous. I do really want to read his name because he's got quite a good name, but I won't betray our confidence. I like the idea of buying your Christmas meal. Not the meat, man.

Not the man. Have you ever bought meat or fish just off a guy? I get a guy who knocks on the door semi-regularly now where I live in South London offering to sell his fish. Yeah. But I never buy it. No. I'm trying to think.

My dad once brought home a crab he found on a pipe. He used to work at a chemical plant. And he found a crab on a pipe about seven o'clock in the morning when I was getting ready for school. He was cooking a crab and it was trying to crawl out the pot. And it was...

And the air escaping from his shell made like a screeching noise. I think that's the most haunting thing that's been mentioned on this show. What is life? No start to the school day, really. I'd done my paper round, I'd done my graft, he'd done his, and he'd come on with a live crab in his bag. I don't like being on a show with someone who talks about their dad

bringing home a crab he found on a pipe. I don't even know what that means. He worked in a chemical works, it was next to a beach, so... about their dad bringing home a crab he found on a pipe. I don't even know what that means. We live on... He worked in a chemical works. It was next to a beach, so... Not the nicest beach. I found a crab on a pipe. Yeah, I'm going to cook it and eat it.

And he ate it as well. When he first arrived in Hartlepool from Seaham, which I don't think is quite as close to the sea as Hartlepool. He went basically down to Hartlepool he went basically down to Hartlepool which is not known for its

splendour it's not the Costa del Sol let's put it that way just as many criminals none of them paid tax

and there was cockles everywhere and he's like oh my god got a bucket filled with why is nobody eating all these

cockles why is nobody eating these cock cockles? Why is nobody eating these cockles? This is insane. He soon found out why nobody ate the cockles. Give him the shits. For days.

For days. He said he thought he was going to die. Give him the two bobs. Yeah. So. Did I tell you the story about me in the

Charlie Chaplin pub in Elephant and Castle? No. So I was in, it used to be quite a rough pub. I don't know where it is now.

I don't really go there. But it's a big, if you know that part of London, it's a big pub on the corner of the massive roundabout. And I'm in there having a beer. I can't remember why I was there. I must have been going... I might have been going to a gig or something.

I'm in this pub about six o'clock, having a few beers. And this guy comes up to me. He looks like a wrong one. Older guy, sort of unshaven. Sort of guy who would tell you that he was pals with the Craze or something. That sort of guy.

Comes up to me and he goes, all right, do you want to buy some cheese? And I said, well, not really. And he pulled out

a massive deli block of cheese, still in the plastic, right? And I said, no, I don't really want it. And he went, oh,

it's only a five or something. I was like, it's actually really good value. But I still don't want it. And cheese doesn't really, you can keep it quite easily in a cupboard, can't you? You don't have to, you don't have to. And cheese doesn't really, you can keep it quite easily in a cupboard, can't you? You don't have to,

you don't have to put it in the fridge. Well, it has to be refrigerated. No, it has to be refrigerated. Nah, nah. Mate, cheese, come on. I always refrigerate my cheese. Get in touch if you don't.

Hello at Lukeandpete.com. Well, you see, like, brie and stuff, that's just hanging about, isn't it? True. In the larders. This story hasn't finished.

I would keep cheddar in the fridge because it would dry out otherwise. Well, you're running back now. You're running back now. I'm not, I'm just saying. Because I have this thing about when fridge Because it would dry out otherwise Well you're roaring back now You're roaring back now I'm not I'm just saying Because I have this thing about When you go to the supermarket If you buy tomatoes or blueberries

For example from the supermarket They're not refrigerated No But you put them in the Well you put the blueberries in the fridge I think Tomatoes apparently It's bad for the flavour To put them in the fridge

Oh is it right okay Yeah and I think it's bad Oh I'm a sensitive teeth Imagine biting into a tomato I know exactly exactly, yeah. And I don't think you have to put eggs in the fridge either, do you? No. No.

Anyway, so the guy tries to sell him the cheese. I say no. This is no word of a lie. He's doing this round the shop. Sell my cheese. Yeah, your mother. Round the pub he's trying to sell his cheese. And he eventually sort of disappears.

It's quite a big pub. About five minutes later... A mouse comes in. No, massive mouse. Big mouse. Five minutes later, the A mouse comes in. Massive mouse. Five minutes later, the same guy comes in the same door he came in earlier, and he comes right up to me again and says, do you want to buy this? And he's got a car

battery. So, do you reckon he's swapped it for a car battery? Do you reckon he's like a swap guy? He's trying to, you know, make his million by just swapping larger and more valuable things. There's a book about that called... Is it called One Red Paperclip? Oh, OK, yeah.

It starts with a paperclip and it goes like... It gets a house or something, yeah. I'm not buying cheese off a man who also sells car batteries and vice versa. Oily hands. Yeah. I mean, you can at least test the cheese immediately. You can't test a car battery immediately, can you?

It's one of those things where if I had a few more pints and a few crackers lying around, I might break into it. Just get involved. Yeah, give it a go. I think I've spoken about it on this very show that a man at a deli in Honor Park once sold me a similar large amount of cheese that he'd got in,

halloumi cheese, that he'd got in for a... Yeah, perfect. Yeah, for a cheesecake. He said, I'm thinking about making a cheesecake. I've got all this halloumi. Do you want some? I'll give you a good deal. And I was like, I like cheesecake. Maybe I thinking about making a cheesecake. I've got all this halloumi. Do you want some? I'll give you a good deal. And I was like, I like cheesecake.

Maybe I'll try making a cheesecake. I didn't know what halloumi was. I'd only been in London for a year. I'd never tasted it. It's not a cheesecake cheese and all that for a fact. It's very salty and very fatty. I'm going for a big meal with my family soon. And it's one of those places where you have to tell them.

You're looking that far. I'll go for a meal with my family soon. I'll tell you why. Because my family's got involved and said of those places where you have to tell them you're looking that far that far no I'll tell you why I'll go for a meal with my family soon I'll tell you why because my family's got involved and said to me we're doing this thing

right my cousin's very talented and he's actually performing the West End at the moment right we're going to go watch him and we're going for dinner afterwards

and the reason I know I'm having halloumi is because it's one of those restaurants where you have to tell them what you're having in advance oh is that right yeah I think piss off because it's a big party so you have to so I'm having halloumi you're going for halloumi is because it's one of those restaurants where you have to tell what you're having in advance oh is that right yeah i think piss off there's a big party so you have to

i'm having halloumi you're going for halloumi and i'm having the steak i don't think it is fatty i think it's got a lot of renny it's full of fat i it's it would be too nah i'm not on that do you want me to google it right now i reckon it's it's one of the lower fat cheeses it's too taut it's too tight you're out of your mind. Brie, fatty. Fair do's. Camembert, fatty. Fair do's. All the Gorgonzola's and that,

they're sweaty. You can feel the grease on them. Halloumi, I think it's just the rennet and the proteins are so strong that's why it holds its... You're doing a very convincing job of... It's 71% fat. Yeah, well, alright.

Compare it to another one. Type in Gorgonzola. What percentage of fat? Shall I just do cheddar for a real... No, because that's a similar cheese answer. Gorgonzola, okay.

Fat content of Gorgonzola, yeah? Yeah. Okay. Alright, I'll give it a go. 71% halloumi. It's 10, isn't it? Gorgonzola, 75%. It's not really solved any of our problems, isn't it? Gorgonzola, 75%.

It's not really solved any of our problems, really, is it? Shall I just do cheddar? I'm surprised. Just for pizza marks, we'll do cheddar. I'll just do cheddar. I'm surprised 71% is halloumi. That's a lot of fat. To be fair, because we're in a live radio environment,

I'm basically just looking at the first thing that comes up. This might even be wrong. Maybe there's a cheese expert. Maybe there's a cheese expert. Maybe there's a cheese connoisseur. Fat content of cheddar looks to me 75.5, so about the same. About the same. So maybe it is on the lighter side, but maybe it's between 70 and 80. It's cheese at the end of the day.

What's the next email? It's your turn. All right, I've got an email from Gareth. Hello, Gareth. He's basically... We mentioned Hachiko, the dog. The Shibuya dog. Oh, yeah, give people a little quick proce of that.

Grey fries, bobby, but Japanese. A dog who would not stop waiting at a station for his owner, even after his death, for ten years after his death. That's right, yeah. So there you go. But basically, he found the trailer to a Richard Gere... ..a Richard Gere film about it, basically. A dog's tale, it's called.

It wasn't made that long ago, to be honest. So do you want to hear a little bit of it? It is unspeakable, to be quite frank. When was it made? It was made... 2009, apparently. Yeah, he just said, Gareth Burrows in Newport in Wales. He says, I thought I'd show you the fact that Hachiko

was turned into a really crap movie starring Richard Gere, hence the film being really crap. Anyway, keep up the good work. But here is a little bit of it, anyway. My grandfather... We're at a school. Hachiko was my grandfather Wilson's dog. Everyone called Hachi a mystery dog

because he never really knew where he came from. Dog appears. That's where their story began. Hey, buddy, you lost? One chance encounter. He was where their story began. Hey, little buddy, you lost? One chance encounter. He was at the train station. I just thought you'd bring him home and talk me into keeping him. Tomorrow morning I'm going to find out exactly where he belongs.

BK. I love him. A miraculous story. Does he even eat me? Yes, he does. Temporary guests. So the mom's not having it, but Richard Gere, the dad, is having it. No, no, no, no.

The ball. Richard Gere's got a ball in his mouth to show everyone how... show the dog how to grab a ball. What's he doing here? Whoa! Good work. So go ahead, go on home. I mean, it's just a lot of longing glances from Richard Gere towards a dog.

To be fair, they've got the right kind of dog, an Akita dog. So this dog is just meeting him every morning and afternoon from work. I think I know where this is going. Oh. Oh dear. You don't have to wait anymore. He's not coming back. You don't have to wait anymore. He's not coming back. You don't have to wait anymore. He's not coming back.

And the person who says that is that block out of Seinfeld. The fat guy. The fat guy out of Seinfeld. What's his name? George Costanza. George Costanza. Hachi inspired a town. Is that the dog that I've been hearing so much about?

To discover friendship can last forever. Every day comes a time to place. Sounds like you can make a good story. Starring Richard Gere. Academy Award nominee Joan Allen. She ain't getting one for that. No way. Terrible.

And Jason Alexander, George Costanza. Here's one for you then. Has Richard Gere ever done a good film? So people will say Pretty Woman. I haven't watched that for years, but I would be surprised if it stands up well. And he's in Terrence Malick's Days of Heaven, isn't he? Yeah.

I can't really remember ever seeing, but I'm sure it's good because it's Terrence Malick. I should get films. Other than that, we're struggling really, aren't we? He's not done one for a long time. He's in that film with Bruce Willis, The Jackal, but I don't think that's very good.

No, I mean, like, he's in Chicago. He followed up the success of Chicago with Hatchie, Dog's Tail, Runaway Bride. Oh, that's Julia Roberts and him reunited. I'm not interested in that. Is it? That sounds terrible.

The bride runs away. But he's kind of indicative of a wider problem in Hollywood where an older man is paired up with a much younger woman and there's you know it's never nice to see

there was a film fairly recently with Tom Cruise where isn't he doesn't he star alongside Emily Blunt right and she's his

love interest I think is it Edge of Tomorrow okay and I think I mean how old would Tom Cruise Be at the moment?

Uh 53 I'll check Tom Cruise This is fact checking I'm having it though Tom Cruise is 55 Right

Emily Blunt Is I'm gonna guess How old Emily Blunt is Because I think I know 33 34 Ah Yes It wouldn't happen The other way around Would it? Is all I'm saying to guess how old Emily Lunt is, because I think I know. 33? 34.

Ah! Yes, but it wouldn't happen the other way around, would it, is all I'm saying? No, it wouldn't. And if it did, that would be what the film would be about. Yeah. That would be the plot of the film, wouldn't it? I think Daniel Craig's co-star was roughly his age in the last Bond film. Yeah, it was...

Ah, what's her name? The Italian woman. I forget her name now. That beautiful woman. Yeah, she's very attractive. What's her name? The Italian woman I forget her name now That beautiful woman And he made the point of saying Well This is exactly how it should be Rather than how it shouldn't be

This is exactly how it should be And I mean specifically her She's brilliant Isn't he married to Rachel Weisz? Any more emails? Adel Weisz None my end Any more emails? Edelweiss. None my end, unless you've got one that you really, you know. Well, I've got one here from Aaron Inglethorpe,

who takes us back to Death Row. Oh, right, okay. We were going to do it last week, but we didn't. Yeah, Death Row. Death Row prisoners and their last meal. We talked quite a lot about prisoners' last meal, quite interesting. And Aaron chips in by saying, apparently the last meal for death row prisoners may have been a bribe traditionally to stop the ghosts of the prisoners haunting the executioners

he includes a quote here which says in medieval europe many believed that well-fed prisoners could be executed without fear of their returning as ghosts the quality of the final meal was also believed to influence the likelihood of their doing so. If the food and drink were of the best quality, it was believed that prisoners would be less likely to haunt their executioners. If the meals were poor, many believed prisoners would return as malevolent spirits bent on

tormenting those involved in their death. Wow. There we go. Could be something to do with it. Well, at least they're thinking about it. That's all I'm saying. At least they're thinking about it that's all i'm saying at least they're thinking about it shall we do a bit of mencarta yeah let there be justice for all you don't understand willie was a salesman say simply very simply, with hope Good morning Good morning

Good morning, everyone Good morning You need to cut the end of that off, by the way No, you do it We're moving to a new studio I can't do it We can do it when we move to a new studio Sicata, when I was in Sicata a couple of weeks ago

I was lucky enough to see a mummy Two mummies, in fact Oh, you said you were going to main cast for it last week, but you forgot Yeah, I didn't induct. I didn't forget. We just ran out of time. We don't want to labour points on this show,

even though we have just spent about five minutes googling Richard Gere films. That's the beauty of it, though. That's the freedom of it. That's the freedom.

Can we get Richard Gere on? So, when I was there, I saw two movies. Basically, we were on the way back from, I went up to a friend of a friend's internet startup company.

A guy made a load of money in solar panels. This is very brand bonus on this. Yeah, so he made a lot of money in solar panels, and we went to his, basically, there's not a lot of stuff going on in Sakata, so people are just leaving, the young and the talented. So this guy's trying to get people to people to stick around basically and do their thing in in leafy cicada leafy sleepy cicada and um we went to his internet startup company i rode on a

hoverboard for the first time you know those little wheelie things any good uh after the first falling off i tore my trouser from um uh through the tent i tore my trous trousers completely. My tent was exposed. If I was not wearing trousers, pants, I would have Lenny Kravitz. I would have Lenny Kravitz everywhere. Did you actually properly fall off then? Yeah, I fell off massively and tore my trousers asunder.

Then we went for sushi. And he's this big kind of Japanese guy and he's a proper boss guy. And he eats sushi like you're supposed to, apparently, with your hands. None of this chopstick nonsense. You just pick it up with your hands. And you don't dip the rice in the soy sauce.

You turn the sushi upside down and dip the meat, the tuna or whatever. What difference does it make? Well, it just means that your rice isn't saturated with soy sauce. Because we all know that rice absorbs a lot of water. It's literally its job. Whether you're clearing out an iPhone or

drying out an iPhone or just cooking rice, that's what it does. Or drying your clothes. But on the way back, you just went, do you want to see your mummy? In Japanese, to my friend. And my friend went, do you want to see your mummy? And then I said, alright then. Or, hi. Can this guy not speak any any English uh no very little and I speak very little Japanese but uh so we went to see uh two mummies um the Shingon sect uh which is kind of like one part old Shintoism one part Buddhism one part Taoism and uh basically it's the process

of self-mummification self-mummification. Self-mummification? That sounds pretty full-on. So basically, these two mummies, I think there's 12 of them in total who managed to do it in the region, and there was two of them in front of me in this really dark room, it was so solemn and quiet,

this woman sort of led us in very quietly, there was nobody in the town, we were the only three people looking at these mummies they they are dead yes yeah they've been dead for a long time yeah you know so these are the steps involved in what these two men these skeletal you know skeletal mummy men uh who look good for the eighth their ages you know this is like a good you know 400 years ago or something. Right. Extremely rigorous and painful steps involved. For the first 1,000 days, the monks ceased all food except nuts, seeds, fruits and berries.

And they also engaged in extensive physical activity to strip themselves of all body fat. So this is basically a conscious decision to essentially kill themselves. Yeah, but they didn't see it as suicide. They saw it as eternal life. Right. For the next 1,000 days, after they didn't see it as suicide. They saw it as eternal life. Right. For the next thousand days, after they've stripped themselves of all body fat, their diet was restricted to just bark and roots. Near the end of this period,

they would drink poisonous tea made from the sap of the Urushi tree, which caused vomiting and a rapid loss of bodily fluids. Wow. It also acted as a preservative because maggots and bacteria that would cause the body to decay after death wouldn't eat the body because it's poisonous. Right.

In the final stage, after six years of torturous preparation, the monk would lock himself in a stone tomb barely larger than his body, like a hole in the ground, like you're in a crouched, cross-legged position with about, probably about six feet or maybe 10 feet of rocks on top of you basically um not like pressurizing you there was supports but that this is the space you had um he was seated in like the lowest position uh it was no no bigger than his body he would go into a state of meditation um and it was a position he wouldn't move until he died and there was a small air tube provided um so it would supply oxygen to the tube. It would also have a string through this tube as well, because every morning, each day, the monk rang a bell to let the outside world know he was still alive.

When the bell stopped ringing, the tube was removed and the tomb was sealed for the final thousand-day period of the ritual. At the end of the period, the tomb would be opened to see if the monk was successful in mummifying himself. If the body was found in a preserved state, the monk was raised to the status of Buddha. His body was removed from the tomb and he was placed in a temple where he was worshipped

and revered. If the body had decomposed, though, the monk was resealed in the tomb and respected for his endurance, but not worshipped. My God. That's a fuck you, isn't it? That was a full-on thing to listen to that, Pete. I mean, it was a full-on thing to see, to be honest. That's a fuck you innit? That was a full on thing to listen to that Pete. I mean it was a full on thing to see to be honest. That was that stuff is great because it's

really interesting to know mad stuff that goes on. But that for me in terms of people listening to that, that's up there with the torture stuff we were doing. Nah well you do it to yourself and that's what really hurts as Tom Yorke once sang. Yeah. So Kushimbutsu. Wow. I mean obviously it doesn't

happen now but back in the day was that a thing it was outlawed it was outlawed in fact by the japanese but was it fairly common well it was common within this particular sect which is very small it's very small sect but uh wow there's 12 uh functioning mummies let's say and who knows how many others that haven't been deified kicking about. Mumsy! And I, the thing is, I'd that was the day that I'd torn my trousers and I didn't want to see. Oh God, that's real hardship. I'll tell you what they've been through, haven't they? No, but I was looking at this

so she comes in, she rings this bell she bows to the two mummies and she opens the doors to these two mummies and I wasn't expecting to see the mummy so i had my prescription sunglasses on so i look like mr rockstar fucking bono looking not taking my sunglasses i can't see anything otherwise and and i had my legs crossed because because if i open my legs you could see my my pants and these guys have been deified. These guys are budders

effectively. Yeah. And this and the Japanese bloke give me and my mate a nudge and I had to open my legs to show them my pants. But they're dead, they don't know. It's disrespectful, isn't it mate? I'm wearing sunglasses and I've got my pants out. If anyone

beyond death would know, it'd be them. They've earned the right, haven't they? They've earned the right. Well, listen, if you want to get involved in

Suggish and Batuu. Don't self-muff on. If you are going to contribute. You want to lose weight?

Nuts and seeds. That's what I've been doing. If you are going to contribute further to that, then do get in

touch. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. Have you ever seen a mummy? For anything, you know. Why not? of the major uh exhibitions uh exhibits rather in the um great art museum in hartlepool our only museum um certainly when i was a kid it's probably still there was um excuse me did a little bab um uh was a um skeleton of a mermaid. Oh, really? So it was the top half of a person and the bottom half of a fish.

And that was on display. And for the longest time, I believe, mermaids existed because of this disgusting affront to God. One of the main museums in my hometown is Explosion! Exclamation mark. The Museum of Naval Firepower. Oh, God. Yeah. I'll be honest Firepower. Oh, God. Yeah.

I'll be honest, I've never been there. Right, let's get out of here. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. Help us out, unless you want me talking about the process of Sakunshibitsu. Pete does like to make it difficult for you, the listener, and that's his own fault. Twitter is at LukeandPeteShow,

and so is Instagram, and as Pete says, the email Twitter is at Luke and Pete Show, and so is Instagram. And as Pete says, the email address is hello at lukeandpeteshow.com. Let's get out of here. We'll speak to you next week, probably, I imagine. We haven't mummified ourselves. Past the tree bark. Mother.