The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 27: Special Delivery

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

This week in your ever so slightly late and ever so slightly postal themed Luke and Pete Show, the boys discuss a truly ridiculous situation in the Post Office, a man whose eyes are frankly high maintenance, a postman in a spot of bother and much more. We also induct a new Mencartee, and find time to talk about our favourite alcohol-themed reality shows. Boozy.Toast us: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Luke and Pete show episode 27. Yes, the show that didn't happen last week. Belated. Belated. Happy belated show. I mean, as we were speaking about this off-air, Luke, you said that you're quite good at admin, and I am by my own admission, and let's face it, everybody else's admission, terrible at admin.

But yeah, we both muffed up on this occasion, didn't we? I feel like I should take the lion's share of the responsibility, though, because I'm the kind of... Well, you look like a lion. I do. That's point number one. Point number two, I'm the one who jumps on your back for doing stupid stuff which by the way happens all the time.

So when something like this happens which I feel like is my responsibility, I should step up and say, do you know what guys? Do you know what everyone listening at home? That's on me. That's on you. We've got a delicious, an absolutely delicious bonus episode, which will have satisfied

people this morning for at least about 90 seconds of their commute. A little, a little treat. Yeah. A little quick download. It's not going to infringe

on your megabyte download allowance on your 3G. So, yeah, there's that as well, I suppose. That's an impending problem.

I think sort of soon we're going to have to start just doing like 30 second podcasts everywhere so people don't lose their data and their megabyte allowance. Central London. People say that. What did you say? Megabyte allowance.

Megabyte allowance. Sounds like a really kind of like year 2000 sandwich shop. You know, like when everyone called their business like millenn Millennium Sandwiches or Millennium Bug Food. It is quite remiss of us that you and I, given the age that we are and the general interests we have, that we haven't talked much about the Millennium Bug. No. The Millennium Bug.

Yeah, it was a real sort of thing. I bet you were really excited for it, weren't you? Planes were going to fall out, the sky, volcanoes, the digital volcanoes were going to explode. And none of that really happened though i did spend 15 pounds trying to get into a club in hartlepool i had i had an absolutely raucous millennium eve a raucous millennium eve yeah what did you do i was in bournemouth at some friend my friend's older sister's place because she was already i can't

remember she was already in in the future yeah she's already in the new millennium. She was in the DeLorean. She had hit 88 miles an hour. No, I was just in Bournemouth. You know one of those things, I would have been 19. It was one of those heady days where you could just do what you wanted. Mine never stopped, let's make that clear. Yeah, you're still living that life now, but we just went there on a whim and had a lovely time. Lovely.

Can you give me the it's been, because I've got, I know know i'm going to build this up but i have got possibly the best story of the series so far i mean you are giving it the big one about this i am worried that it's not going to say it's fantastic it's been thanks mate i've been practicing i've had a couple of weeks that was actually very strong have you been doing that the whole time i've been away i've been in a in the studio by myself just doing it doing doing it, doing it, doing it well. So it has been a while. I've obviously been in the US, been away, hence the admin error this morning. But that's not what I'm going to talk about.

It's sort of indirectly related. You try and post yourself back because you missed your flight. The story I've been trying to tell you for a little while is as follows. I had to go to the post office because it was my sister's and my dad's birthday while I was away. Right. I didn't have a chance to see them, so I wanted to post their stuff. So I went to the post office the day before, or maybe even the morning of my flight. And it was quite busy in there.

And waited my turn in the queue. And as I got to the window, the woman serving was like, I just need to go and do something. Can you stay there a second? I was like, yeah, fine. So I stood there waiting for her to finish. And next to me was a guy looking quite sheepish with another attendant shop assistant.

Because you know what? Post officers are like, they have the windows and everything. And he's staying there talking to a woman. Right. So he's either a man who's about to shoot up the place or mail out a dildo. Well, listen, neither of those, but in a way, related to both, in a way, you'll hear why.

So he says to the girl, I'm just standing there listening because I've got a few minutes not doing anything. He says to the girl serving, she wasn't speaking English as her first language, and I'd say she'd be about 50-something. And he said to her, I need to send this next day delivery please and she said okay um where is it to and he said that was to this particular place and she says

oh that sounds like a business you might not be able to send that send that next day delivery because the business might not be open because it'll be saturday tomorrow she says what is it and he says oh it's um it's a liquid right and no word of a lie and she said oh okay and he said i'm sending it to a doctor's surgery so um and so i'm fairly sure it will be open yeah and the woman not picking up on any of the implied signs i don't know why possibly because she's not speaking english is the piss in this box no it gets better um she says oh well i'm afraid so if it's a liquid i'm afraid i have to legally oblige her to inspect it. Oh, no! And he says, that's right, you don't have to do that.

And she says, well, I shouldn't really inspect it. And he says, and no word of a lie, right? He leans in really close and says to her, it's from my vasectomy. Oh, what? Hang on. Yeah, so I did a bit of research, and occasionally you have to send a sample to show that you're not producing sperm.

How can you send a sample that doesn't exist? No, it doesn't exist. You do still, but you don't... Schrodinger's semen. Shall we say, as far as I understand it... You get the fluid, but not the... But it's not potent. Right, yeah.

So she doesn't... I don't think... I might be doing her a disservice here, but I don't think she knew what a vasectomy was. Right. Yeah, well, I mean, it would be a different completely different word if you're gonna learn a second language exactly uh and uh and she and she doesn't pick up on the hint again and says uh sorry for what and he just goes there's my shit coming there and she goes imagine cum worse than that. It's now in it.

Decaffeinated. No potential for human life in a vial of semen. Wow. No, but then she, but then she, she just threw it in her face. No, you know, there were people,

because she's already got the package at this point. So she's about to rifle through it. But you know, when someone says that, you know, when like this happens to you know when like, this happens to me all the time because I don't think

I necessarily articulate myself properly which isn't great for a broadcaster but anyway, you know when people just sort of say, oh yeah, yeah, okay

but they don't know what you said, they just pretend they do. She did that and she just starts to open it and he's like, look, I'm sorry,

I don't think you need to, it's busy in there. Yeah. It's about, there's about 15 people in there. Right. And she opens it. It's like a sitcom. She opens it, pulls, there's about 15 people in there. Right. And she opens it.

She's a sitcom. She opens it, pulls up the sort of vial. Oh, she does it. So you saw it as well? But only the very top of the cap. And she instantly saw it. Okay, that's fine.

Just starts taping it up again. And says, yeah, no worries. Thanks very much. Yeah, cheers. I'll send that next day. That man's face going, you happy with that here?

Yeah. You pleased with, you pleased how your day's gone, pet she went she went from being the most officious jobs worth post office assistant to let's just get us out of here just get it done yeah i'll do whatever you say right later racing yeah don't care do not care get it sent oh my goodness i mean that does not that is not disappointed because it it covers most of the major food groups for me, as you well know. I love stories like that. Embarrassment, possibility of spilled semen.

You. Also, by that point, my assistant had come back and he knew what was happening as well. Right. And so, was it he or she? I can't remember. And we were sort of exchanging glances. And when I got to my turn to do my thing, I was like, I'm just sending some birthday cards.

It's all right. No semen in here. No fluid at all. Announced to the rest of the costumers. I hope not. Dad. Unless I've mixed up my packages again. So there we go.

That's what I've been up to. Fantastic. And then I went to America. Yes. Can you fill for a bit just while I take my jumper off? All right. Well, I've not been sending any Fantastic. And then I went to America. Yes. Can you fill for a bit just while I take my jumper off? All right. Well, I've not been sending any packages. What was the last package I sent?

No, I received a lot. I did a lot of Black Friday shop in Italia since you were away. Oh, I did. Or every time I went back to work, there was more packages that went for me. I bought a load of

all-clad kitchen cookware. What's that? All-clad? It's like really good quality American cookware. Oh, like a... Made with Pennsylvania steel.

Oh, right, okay. I like, I want one of those crock pots that are made out of like, heavy, what's,

steel, would it? What's that? Iron. Is that, is it? Like cast iron, cast iron,

like where you buy like a pan and it's like a hundred quid or something. La Crusoe, yeah. Yeah, that's quality though, dude. Yeah,

it's good stuff. You can kill a man with that. I've been to your kitchen. You don't do much cooking, do you? I cooked a lovely roast yesterday, so I'll be honest. Who for? Me. Oh, that's depressing, mate.

What do you mean? Just on your own. Yeah. Did you cook a whole bird? Yeah, I did. Bring the leftovers in. Make a soup. Make a soup.

Take a soup out of it. Listen, the man who is least... There is an award for general lifestyle. Man least likely to make his own soup is Pete Johnson. Without question. Well, I'm probably a man most likely to post my own soup. Let's say it. Shall we crack into some emails, Luke?

Because I'll tell you what. I was like... Last time we did a show, I was like, oh, we haven't got that many emails. My God. The quality, the amount is, you know. The email situation now, for me, I don't know how you approach it, Pete, but for me is, I just see them come in, and the day I know we're recording some shows,

I just put three or four hours aside just to read them. I can't read them as they come in anymore. They're getting better and better. I would never get anything done. Have you got an email jingle? I've got an email jingle and here it is. You've got mail.

That's it. I feel like I can get into it now. We received six emails, no less, about HP Source after my request last week trying to find out where you can

or can't get them, any variations on that. They came from the following locations. El Cerrito, California. Tokyo, where it apparently costs £8 a bottle. That's too much. Stephen Smith in Fresno, Texas.

Stanton Smith in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And he also has Kehoe batteries, by the way. John John Kershaw from Wichita, Kansas, says A1 steak sauce is a good equivalent for those struggling to find HP in the US oh very similar then I don't think it's the same though I think it's

slightly sweeter I've seen that one yeah and I'll save this one for the end Pete I know you've seen this one as well but just to put it out there for the listeners

Ewan Robson regularly drives a six hour round trip from Seattle to Vancouver to buy a bottle of HP for himself and he also included a picture of meeting you once, Peter,

at a Newcastle game. Yeah, according to that email, he said that, I think it was at a Newcastle match, let's face it. And he basically, without breaking stride, with his American wife, I thrust my phone into her hand and said, quick, take a picture of me and my mate Pete. And we took the picture and basically afterwards, I think I said hello to his wife as well.

And the wife asked after, was that an old friend from school? To which I replied, yes, because I couldn't be bothered to explain why I was so excited to see a man from a podcast that she has never heard of. Yeah, that's fair. Which I quite like. You could have been friends from school, really. Could have been friends from school, yeah. Newcastle fans, I suppose, isn't it?

As far as I remember, Pete, you spent a lot of your time between different schools, didn't you? Yeah. Like one of those 80s... I burned down a lot of them. Like the guy, the older brother in the second series of Stranger Things.

I've not seen the first, to be honest. Oh, come on. Come on. It's all just... I've spent the last five years playing retro, like, video games that are made in 2016 2015

but they're all retro and I'm bored of it now let's do future I feel like let's do future present without spoilering people and without sort of

ruining it for you I felt like there was an episode in the second series of Strangest Things which is really poor and people who've seen it is it number seven

a lot of people have talked about seven have we talked about this before no I don't think we have but there is this character called seven as well which confused me a little bit no she's called 11 oh it wasn't episode 11 there was a yeah there was an episode around six or seven which i thought was totally needless but anyway have you been watching uh mind hunter that's what i've been spending most of my time doing i've heard a few people mention it but i've not seen it. It is the main character.

I've never seen a series in which a man who's unlovable, not particularly good at acting, and is being carried through the entire shore. It gives me hope, it really does. What's it about? It's about the beginnings of the FBI and forensic, and kind of learning about murderers and predicting what they're going to do next, effectively.

Is it, oh, so it's almost like the future crime thing in Minority Report, the Philip K. Dick thing. Yeah, but it's how they actually... Oh, it's based on a true story. How to make M.O.s, yeah, in the 70s, how they worked out, you know, the standard serial killer. They coined the term serial killer. Oh, OK, right.

It's interesting, but because the man is so unlikable, it's almost unwatchable. He's unlikable, he can't act. My blind spot with... I think we might talk a bit about blind spots in a bit. My blind spot with that type of thing is that if it's a true story, something has actually happened, I'm very, very excited to watch a documentary about it, but I don't

really like dramatisations. So you've got to pile through both, effectively. Just because I don't know, I feel like I want to be clear on what actually happened and what is creative licence, and I don't want to be mixed up. So you want to be a man who walks into the scene and goes, hang on! Did it happen like this, or like this?

And that stems from when I first read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. The excellent Dan Brown. What's real and what isn't, guys? Ryan Lee, email. Hello, lads. The Korean street food that Pete was describing on episode 26 is called dokbokki.

I'm pleased you took this email because I wasn't sure how to pronounce that. I think it might be dokbokki. They're called spicy Korean rice cakes, but they are just big, spicy, unlovable sausages. You can get them in all Korean restaurants. You'd be disappointed if they came in a Korean restaurant, and most Asian supermarkets. So the sausage, in quotes, that you

refer to, isn't a sausage? No, it's just made like this pastry, floury stuff. But did you think it was a sausage? No, I didn't think it was a sausage. But Ryan Lee came up with that one. An alternative dish I would recommend is ya yang myong, which is an instant noodle for Pete. That's George Marsden. And he knows that because he's got a Korean wife.

Well, you've had enough instant noodles, as we discussed last week. I bought two packs of instant noodles, left them in the office, and they've both gone. Yeah. Cannot be trusted, the youngsters. Luke Moore and Cor. Actually, you've been away, so you're off my list. And I'm older than you.

What do you mean? All right. I'm not a youngster. Well, maybe if you ate more noodles, you'd be kick-flipping all over the place on your skateboard. I would. I'd be totally radical. Do you want an email from Richard Cook?

I would very much like one of them. That's a link, isn't it? Yeah. Cooking. Cooking. He's a link, isn't it? Yeah. Cooking. He's from the Western Isles in Scotland, which is part of the reason I wanted to read his email. But it's also because he mentions about working in the supermarket, something very close to my heart, something I bloody enjoyed.

And I always like hearing stories about it, even if no one else on earth does. He says, I worked over a decade in a supermarket. And over the years, I have many strange questions asked, including why we weren't open on Christmas Day to serve a full-cooked Christmas dinner for customers to buy. Great point. Would have saved me a bit of time on Sunday.

That's right up your street. But frankly, the best one was Christmas Eve a number of years ago. The shop was due to shut at 6pm, back when the store used to close at a reasonable time. About 10 to 6, a woman came up to me and asked if we had any hundreds and thousands left as she was making a trifle. I took the lady to where we should have had them on the shelf. As per usual, I apologise for not having any left.

To be fair, it is late on Christmas Eve. In utter outrage, she shouted that I'd ruined her and her entire family's Christmas after she eventually wandered off. I was left ever so perplexed that anyone could get so angry about hundreds and thousands ruined your entire family's Christmas over some hundreds and thousands

I don't get that huge overreactions are quite interesting the reason I say that you're not a flounce and by the way they call those sprinkles in the US

sprinkles I don't know why we call them hundreds and thousands yeah but sprinkles doesn't that encapsulate the whole kind of anything that can be

sprinkled I guess it can yeah like from the gummy bears. Put some sprinkles on my trifle. You've put croutons on there. Not croutons. Iron filings. Yeah. Is that magnesium phosphate?

The reason I'm talking about overreactions is because this very day on the way into the studio today, I was standing waiting for a bus and as ever in London more than one bus appears at the bus stop at the same time with a different number and the bus I didn't want to get

was right there at the bus stop, which meant I couldn't see the bus I did want to get, which is behind that bus and the woman who was driving the bus obviously couldn't see, I mean it's an interesting tactic from the bus driver, because you're picking up passengers, but you're not actually stopping at the bus driver because you're picking up passengers but you're not actually stopping

at the bus stop. You're stopping behind another bus so you can't see what people are trying to get on and they can't see the bus. So anyway, eventually, it annoyed me to the point where I couldn't get on the bus

so I ran around, just stopped her in the street, just stood in front of the bus and she went mad, absolutely mad. She let me on but then I thought, oh, she's let me on, that's good.

But it became clear quite quickly that she'd only let me on to have a massive pop in front of everyone. So I just had my headphones in, so I just ignored her and walked up to the upper deck, and she'd just drive on. So it was okay. But to me, that is an overreaction. And I am very interested in those. I saw on this very morning as well,

there was a cameraman in Soho, because everyone's always bloody filming in Soho. And you always walk past and you go, ooh, who's that? I bet it's someone famous like Archbishop Desmond Too or Billy Elliot or something. But it's not. It's never.

It's always just some college kids filming. But there was this rasta dude who got very angry, very angry at the cameraman going, why are you filming me? Why are you filming me? And he wasn't. He was just filming the street. Do you have to sign a release form for that?

Yes, I believe you do in England. Because you know, in a lot of those shows you see on, is Bravo still a TV channel? Ooh, no. I'm going to go with no. Okay, so the Bravo type shows that are presumably on other channels now, like Pick TV and the like, basically the channels that you do the voiceovers for.

Challenge, D-Max. Yeah, all those. All those. You used to get quite a good series called Booze Britain. Oh yeah, they were great. Fantastic series. They once,

I think it was Booze Britain or something, they followed us down the street with a camera and I refused to sign their stupid sheet. Well, that's interesting because I was going to say

you see people in that whose faces are blurred out presumably because they've not signed the release waiver but is it likely that they'll try and get people to sign it when they're there still drunk that night? You see people in that whose faces are blurred out, presumably because they've not signed the release waiver. But is it likely that they'll try and get people to sign it when they're there, still drunk that night? Oh, yeah, you've got to run a...

Literally doing that, just following people down at the time. Yeah, the amount of people who... That show is one of the best studies of modern British life I've ever seen. I love it. It's not only more, but it's fantastic. If anyone's listening to this show that's been on Booze Britain, I will be absolutely starstruck

to hear from you. Have they done a Portsmouth show? Yes, they have. There's a lad I know, a producer at my radio station, who got drafted in on a stag do. Because you know, they've got incidentals,

but they've also got like main threads as well. A friend got drafted in at the last minute really you know artificially to be on a stag do that he wasn't

going to be on anywhere because they knew that the camera was going to be following them around on a night.

Right. Four boos Britain. Four boos Britain yeah. Interesting. We've been lied to.

It was before Blue Peter Dog so they could do whatever they wanted Pete as you well know a lot of TV is just created

yeah I know I know the best ever episode of Booze Britain was in Gloucester and there were some fellas on there who me and my friends

I used to live with are forever now known as the Gloucester Boys and they were just they were a few of them were very very large chaps and

and the amount the sheer amount of alcohol consumption it probably wouldn't have surprised you Donaldson because you're always out on the town right

but to me it was and this was back in the day when I was drinking a bit more than I do now it was incredible it was I mean

I don't want to chuck numbers out there willy nilly but it was something like because you know the voiceover guy, they do, on that show, they always used to have a voiceover guy who would sort of ostensibly be trying to talk about the dangers of drinking to try and justify them making the show. But really, he's glorying in how much they're drinking.

And he said, I think, at some point on that Gloucester episode... But it's all become a bit too much for Steve. Yeah, exactly that, right? But at one point, he said, at one point in their evening out, Gloucester episode. But it's all become a bit too much for Steve. Exactly that right. But at one point he said, at one point in their evening out, that they had all drunk each. The equivalent of like four roastin'ers in calories. Oh yeah. No one's thinking about

their calories. Steve's gone outside to get some fresh air. Oh crumbs. Let's have an email. Shall we do the I email that I was so fond of? Yeah, can you do the I email? And then after that, I want to do the one about the street legends.

All right, then. That's a good one, that one. Yeah. And the song is very good. Hello to Andy Jones. Hello, Andy Jones. Basically, I want to chip in on the comments on hard contact lenses. I wouldn't say it was a big trope on the show,

but I did mention the fact that you used to be able to get hard contact lenses and they were rather unlovable. Didn't we talk about people going to sleep wearing them accidentally? Yes. Which is something you can't do with hard ones. You can kind of with soft ones. But I unfortunately have an eye condition called keratoconus. Keratoconus.

Not to be confused with keratoconus, as my dad keeps calling it. Ha-ha. Dad joke. I was about to say that. What does that say about me? The shot of it is I have specially made contact lenses for my eye that is unique to my eye shape to accommodate the bumps and ridges on my cornea. A drain on the NHS.

You, sir, and your corneas are a drain on this NHS. Put some glasses on. Oh, and these specifically made contact lenses. I can't just have the normal ones. I've got ridges on my cornea. These contact lenses cost £90 for four months and are top-end, rigid, gas-permeable contact lenses from Moorfields Eye Hospital

in London. Have you ever walked past... I remember when I first moved out of London, I used to go to Wall Street quite a lot, and I thought, what is going on here? Every person I walk past has got an eye patch on, and I didn't realise Moorfields is up the road. So there we go. Isn't it a world-leading eye hospital?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, huge. Basically, these lenses are made of a firm durable plastic that transmits oxygen. They offer excellent eye health because they don't contain water like soft lenses do. They resist deposits and are less likely than soft contacts to harbor bacteria. Just to cut in quickly, the eye hospital things made me realize, just remember that a while ago, I had to search for a hospital on Google for some reason,

find out where it was or whatever. And Google actually review hospitals. Oh, what? People going, I'm on an idea. Yeah. So, for example, if I type in Moorfield Eye Hospital, it comes up with, yeah, it's got an average rating of... Some really badly spelled stuff.

Four out of five. But my point is, I don't... Most of them are dictated. Why are you reviewing that? As far as I understand it, you can't go to your GP who then says, look, I'm going to refer you to a hospital because you need to have a scan. Yeah. I'm not going to Moorfield.

I'm not going to Moorfield. Only four out of five. Can I go to Guys and St Thomas's? 4.6 out of five. Excellent vending machines. Yeah. Anyway, carry on. I believe that they slightly compress when you blink

and are hence more comfortable than soft lenses which is weird anyway the point is I cannot sleep shower or swim with these in without severely

damaging my eye and must be super careful to clean and wash them each night not everyone is lucky enough to have daily disposables

and soft lenses I mean my heart goes out to this man this is a dreadful situation it makes me feel joking aside and I've had a little

pop at Andy there I was only joking it makes me feel joking aside and I've had a little pop at Andy there I was only joking it makes me feel odd thinking about things to do with eyes I remember at school whenever I think whenever I've got a

scalpel in my hand if I'm doing a bit of crafts I think I could just jam this in my eye and I would ruin my life and it reminds me of the bull's eye

we had to dissect at science lesson at school which is the image of the scalpel going into the eye was awful but a friend science lesson at school. Oh. Which is, the image of the scalpel going into the eye was awful. But a friend of mine at school

had a bull's eye. No, he got a football in the face at lunch break or something and detached his retina. That's weird, that, isn't it?

Yeah, which means, I think, So it must have like squitched, his eyeball must have squished into his skull and then popped back out again and detached the retina that way, surely? Yeah, I'm not aware of the science behind it.

I believe he might have had an operation, but I think it left him with a permanent blind spot. It's dreadful, isn't it? So unlucky. It can happen to the best of us. My mum's vitreous humour is starting to come away from the back of her eyes, so she can't watch television or... What's that? Vitreous humour, the fluid in the eye, the squidgy jelly stuff.

Right. It's become detached from the fluid in the eye the squidgy jelly stuff right it's become detached from the back of her eye and she can't read or watch telly is there a procedure

available for that no there isn't there's absolutely nothing to do apparently unless someone knows hello at lookpatreon.com fix my mum's eye

if you want to perform surgery on one of our mothers so yeah the I'll carry on. It's a bit of a long email, this one. But the long of it, basically, having this means that the cornea of my eye

is not a normal sphere on the front of the eye, but is in fact a complete mess with various ridges and valleys, like the surface of the moon or something. This results in the light being reflected by my cornea onto the back of my eye at all kinds of different angles, and the photoreceptor cells not picking up on the incoming light, effectively making my vision super blurry. I have had collagen cross-linking performed to fix my eye.

What this entails is, under local anaesthetic, the doctor propping your eyelids open like in Clockwork Orange and then slowly using a scalpel to scratch off my cornea before applying a collagen cement-like substance that is hardened by flashing a UV light onto it every 10 seconds for about four minutes. That's like the stuff that they do on fillings, isn't it? It's very clever, but I mean, imagine being in that position.

Imagine if a doctor just gets one part of that wrong. But how can you stop an eyeball from moving? I've just put, I've actually... I've written my initials. I've mixed it up with sherbet. I've written my initials. I've mixed it up with Sherbert. Put Sherbert in your eye. Yeah.

Imagine if all you see is the doctor's initials wherever you look. Mr. Cool Ice. Can't prove it, can you? Can't prove it. I think the doctor

just tagged my eye. Yeah, the court, I'm not being funny, but there's nothing there. You're making it up. You can imagine the fear of a surgeon saying,

hold still so I don't make an error. Oh, God. While he approaches your eye with a scalpel, which obviously looks bloody huge at point blank. Worse was to come. To heal the eye, I have to have six different eye drops all put in in varying times of 30 minutes to three hours, slowly taping off to once every 6 hours for the next week.

And to help the eye heal, I had to keep my pupil as wide and as dilated as possible. I mean... How did you do that? Incredible. Well, drugs, I don't know, really. Staring into a dark area

would make your pupil... Well, he's going to be... So basically, he's in the dark all the time. But the main impact was extreme aversion to light. So bad that for 48 hours after the surgery, I sat in a darkened room where I was so sensitive to the light, the TV standby light was like getting a 14-year-old shining a laser pen at your face.

Unplug it. Unplug the TV. You're not going to be watching it. Yeah, you can't see it. Unplug the TV. Do yourself a favour. Check if you've got any beck cells in the remote first. Exactly.

And then put them away. Exactly. I mean, wow. Does Andy mention what batteries he's got? He cells in the remote first. Exactly. And then put them away. Exactly. I mean, wow. Does Andy mention what batteries he's got? He doesn't. He doesn't, no. Other things on. He's got other things on.

Bigger fish to fry. Yeah. But, yeah, Andy, wow. I mean, the alternative is a cornea transplant, which I think we've seen before. There's where you see a cornea, but in your eye, you've just got like a zigzag of stitches, which actually looks quite badass

to be honest aren't they biodegraded don't they they use those type of stitches which degrade naturally

which is a very interesting invention good stuff thanks for that Andy that's horrific bloody horrific I'm not going to do the legends email

because I realise there's one email here that I want to do more alright shall we hit a brick first and then come back good idea alright then I realise there's one email here that I want to do more. All right, shall we hit a brick first and then come back? Good idea.

All right, then. We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad about Mum and Dad, we'll both look after Luke. And we're back in the room. It's the Luke and Pete show. I was getting so into it that I forgot we had to do an advert break.

Well, you know, we forget a lot of things. I imagine the listeners felt the same, Pete. Give me some ads. Yeah. Tell us about razors and stuff. It's not going to pay for itself, this nonsense. Otherwise, we literally wouldn't be doing it. We'd barely keep our heads up. This email is from a guy called Migueles,

which is a pseudonym, and you'll see why. Is that how you pronounce that name? Apparently. Migueles. How would you say it? Migueles. Do you know what? I'll go against tradition, and I'll start the email by reading the PS first.

Okay. The name is obviously a pseudonym. As if I got reported for pissing on someone's property, I could be sacked and would therefore not have the pleasure of walking the streets listening to your musing. Oh. So this will become clear now. My ears are picking up. Is this involved?

Miguel. He says, hi there, gentlemen. I'm from Manchester and I have rocket batteries. Good to know. He says, I consume your patter while walking the streets

in my job as a postman and would like to thank you for your pearls of wisdom in episode 25. Dr. Luke Moore, as I will now refer to him, advised not to blow your nose when it has just been broken.

Do you remember that? Yes, you do. Well, while out on my round, I got caught short and needed to relieve myself. Now, you think this would be a regular problem for a postman? Yeah, because they don't have...

I mean, are they allowed to just go into a Costa's and do away? Is that like a privilege? Do they have a special... What was it? Disabled keys? You can just go into disabled loos?

I think there's a bylaw written where if a postman knocks on your door and asks you to use the toilet, you have to let him. Yeah, I've heard that they're allowed to pee on Welshmen.

Yeah, on a Sunday afternoon. Crossing a bridge. Yeah. So he said, I found what I thought was a derelict house, was a long drive, and proceeded to empty my bladder in a shrubbery at the end of the driveway.

While in mid-piss, I heard someone walking down the drive who then saw me and asked what I was doing. Before I could issue a lengthy, grovelling apology, the tracksuit-clad male who towered a good foot over me punched me in the face numerous times before I even had a chance to put my penis away. Ha!

Anyway, my first dazed instinct after this beast of a man stopped striking me was to blow my nose. Ah. But remembering the good Dr. Moore... I'm not a doctor. But remembering the good Dr. Moore's advice on the podcast, which I had listened to only hours before,

I refrained from doing so, and thanks to such sound medical advice, now my schnozza is healing up well. If the aforementioned assailant is a listener to this fine pod, I hope you choke on a cheap Japanese-branded battery. Wow. I mean, it's an extreme reaction to seeing someone pee. On your property, fair dues, but I mean... But I think by the sound of it, he said he saw the guy walking down the drive.

Right, okay. So it probably was his house. Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But like, you'd be like, well... What's an appropriate reaction? Has someone literally taken a slash at your house? I can't, mate.

F off. Get out of here. I would find out his postman badge number and issue a sternly worded letter to his employer. I mean, most postmen wear shorts. Exactly. You could do it anywhere, really. Just pop it down one trouser leg. But that's not the major barrier, is it?

What do you mean? To go for a wee, wearing shorts or not. It just makes it easier, that's all. I'd like to know where postmen and women use the toilets. I'd like to know where postmen and women get off toilets. I'd like to know where postmen and women get off. Where do you get off, you dirty piss monsters? Taking pisses on people's driveway. Outrageous behavior.

It is outrageous. But I'm glad he saved his nose. And if you have got a detached retina after you've been punched in the face. Yeah, speak to Andy. Speak to Andy. And it could have been a lot worse, Pete, because we all know what the biggest enemy of the post officer is. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs.

Because they set a dog on you. What? Like, what? I don't know why dogs get so excited. Oh, this is a nice sausage. They love sausages as well. Imagine seeing a dog

running away from a butcher's with a string of penises around his neck. They don't wear them around their neck. They're not Mr. T. They have them in their mouth, don't they?

They do in cartoons. Mr. T doesn't wear sausages or penises around his neck. You don't know that. You might have gone through in their mouth, don't they? They do in cartoons. Mr. T doesn't wear sausages or penises around his neck. You don't know that. Yeah. You might have been going through some stuff. You don't know. Well, we mentioned it last time.

Marcus Speller from the Football Ramble turned up with his top off and Jim just turned up without his trousers on. But his shoes on, which I don't like. Yeah, I don't like that. And he's got those crispy boxer shorts. Not crispy, but you know. Yeah. You know, I wear tighty-whities.

Same. Tighty briefies. You can't wear the... The 1980s kind of crisp kind of shorts. Yeah, I don't see why. They get bunched up. They're uncomfortable. They're bunched up.

They're not the ones for me, then. Oh, not the ones for us, no. So there we go. Next email. Do you want me to do the next email? Yeah. So, do you want the

wrestler or do you want the street hero? I think I like both emails, but to be fair, we

have talked about the street hero and we're going to talk about it. You know what, we should really move on to a

bit of Mankata action. Pete, squeeze it in and then we'll do Mankata. We've got enough time. So let's do the

wrestler. Oh, so we're going to do the street legend. Sorry, I've got a computer in front right. So let's do the wrestler. Oh, I said we're going to do the street legend. Sorry, I wasn't listening. I've got a computer in front of me with all my emails on. The reason, just so you,

because I know you weren't listening. Cardiff. The reason I said do the street legend is because I already mentioned that I wanted to do it, and I didn't, so it would be a bit unfair otherwise. Well, we all make promises.

Absolutely. We don't follow through with. I'm married. Luke, 26. Cardiff. Thanks, Luke. I mean, he had enough room there to give us his battery, but... He's not done. Luke, 26, Cardiff. Thanks, Luke. I mean, he had enough room there to give us his battery, but... He's not done it, no?

He's not done it, no. Hello, Luke and Pete. Following on from some of the listeners emailing in about Street Legends, I thought I'd let you know about someone from my locality who I hold in high regard. This guy, I've checked out his bits and bobs. Fascinating. Yeah.

His name is Ninja, with an H at the end he is a Rastafarian a Brummie with blonde dreadlocks who plays the bins in Cardiff ask anyone who's lived worked studied

or even been on a night out in Cardiff and they'll be able to tell you about a time before they had an interaction with a massive bloke who plays the bins

like a drum with drumsticks and wears some mad shit Ninja's hobby's hobbies include cross-dressing walking around with his top off my friend once

saw him walking the wrong way up a dual carriage with being sweaty and drinking bottled water in February at 6am dressing up as Predator

which is a strong look there's a huge difference between dressing up as Predator and dressing up as our Predator good point being in literally

every smoking area of any club you've ever been to and also convincing Virgin Megastars to sell his album. I love that. That's great. That's old school, isn't it? So I think the idea that you could go into

a massive chain of music stores and go, just in this store, I want you to just keep a little section to the side. You did occasionally see, like not with the big boys, but you'd occasionally see local punk bands in like Leicester and Corby and places like that. You'd sell like Capdown.

One thing that I found interesting when I worked, because I worked in the music industry for a very short amount of time. And one thing that surprised me was that a big, almost like apprenticeship for getting a job in the music industry proper was working in a record store. Is that right? Because you get such a comprehensive knowledge of different music and you listen to it all day, that they seem to really value that. I don't know if that's still the case, but it certainly was back in the heady days of 2005-ish.

And cocaine abuse. If you're really good at hoovering up chiz. I always personally and professionally distance myself from cocaine abuse. Ninja is well known and is often written about in the local papers personally and professionally distance myself from cocaine. Ninja is well known and is often written about in the local papers and the terrible Wales Online website. I'm not having that. Because I'll tell you why I'm not having that. The terrible, in quotes, Wales Online website is unnecessary

because I'll tell you why. They did a big feature on us once when we went to Cardiff to do a live show and the guy who interviewed us was very, very nice. Exactly, he was a lovely fella. But the problem is, any hacks that work at local papers and on local websites and stuff, they're usually really lovely, but they're just so bloody busy, it's

really hard to sort of get anything. You're running back now. What, what do you mean? You've had a poppet in there. I'm not a poppet, I'm saying he's busy. I liked him and I loved his work and I follow him on Twitter and he's nice, but I'm just saying that local newspapers don't have the resources they once did and I wish his work and I follow him on Twitter and he's nice but I'm just saying that local newspapers don't have the resources they once did

and I wish they did that is true correct I mean for crying out loud I got on page 3 and the front page dressed as a woman for a few weeks

you finished you said page 3 it was an obvious joke to me rumour is that he is incredibly rich and just does this all for a laugh

and goes on mad benders that's always the rumour with the crazy fans. That's a common theme, isn't it? To not make you feel bad about their lives. They're all millionaires. They're all millionaires, really.

Why else would you do it? But basically, there was also a guy in Cardiff called Toy Mike Trev. He used to sing in Toy Mike outside the big boots

on Queen Street and also Shaky Hand Man. He was a small, hunched man with bad skin. He would approach you and offer to shake your hand

he would then you would then shake his hand and he would ask you for money he never spoke a word and the whole ordeal was communicated via grunts and hand gestures I mean that's essentially

a mugging well Toy Mike Trev and shaky hand man passed away sadly in the mid to late 2000s but Ninja actually made a song about them both

I'm going to put a little a little snatch if you will at the end you can buy this record so do click on it if you can. Just search for Ninja, N-I-N-J-A-H, at the end. The song itself, I really quite like. I've not heard it. I'll give it a listen.

I think he's signed to a fairly small record company, but yeah, decent. Speaking of toy mics, have you ever heard of a band called Fuck Buttons? Yes. And have you ever seen them live? Yes. They use those types of kids' instruments on some of their live shows. It's absolutely fascinating how they do it.

The most exciting thing, I remember seeing Eels play on Top of the Pops and they played with tiny little wee instruments, like a little Daisy Rock guitar. I bought a guitar two years ago from a company, like a Kickstarter, basically. They were selling

these oil drum guitars. I'm going to name them Bohemian Guitars in the US. That's a terrible name for the company. Well, they made these beautiful

kind of like little oil can guitars and they sounded pretty good. I thought, I'll pick one of them up. They're, you know, 230 quid, something like that.

And they never delivered it. Two years. I would constantly go, can I have a refund? Can I have a refund? Can I have my guitar? Did you get a refund? Can I have my guitar? Did you get the refund? I got it this week

because they kept spamming me on my emails and I kept replying to the emails saying, I mean, you could keep spamming me or you could give me the refund in which I'm entitled.

I ain't going to buy a guitar off you. The pace of progress is really speedy, Pete. You've waited two years for that. And on Twitter, they were posting, so I got a bit fruity on Twitter. I didn't do a public one.

I can't stand people who do, Hello at British Airways. Me and my wife are on my honeymoon. Can I have an upgrade, please? Blah, blah, blah. I think I have literally done that. But I just replied to every tweet that they put out in a day,

and it was all like... Oh, my God. It was like kind of like plugging their guitars and going oh too good this guitar's got two humbuckers I would prefer just one refund thank you really fucking stupid

why have you got such a poor track record in buying instruments online yeah I did buy two pianos once didn't I speaking of guitars my father-in-law who I've just been to visit in the US, he has got a set-up in his basement. He's a very keen musical guy. Loves to play music.

He's got a set-up in his basement, which the 15-year-old you and I would be... I tell you what, you would never leave it. The thing is, though, Americans have got so much room. Exactly. They've always got so much room. Exactly. In my father-in-law's... A rumpus room!

In my... Come on. What? In my father-in-law's basement, I was able to brew beer and to play every instrument I could think of. Not at the same time.

You can't mod guitars. You can't contaminate the beer. But he's got... He's got an oil-canned guitar. Seven guitars, keyboards, a full drum kit, monitor speakers,

a mixing desk, everything, microphones, everything you could need. I mean, I don't know how to use any of it. Do you know what I ended up doing? Did you open up all the backs of the guitar tuners to see what batteries they had? I ended up sat on a stool playing an electric guitar,

not plugged in because I can't work any of it. No, I didn't. I had to get them to help me. But it was fantastic anyway. It was really good. Magical. Is there a drawer just with guitar strings? That's what I would like to see. He's got a pot full of picks. Picks, guitar strings. Winders.

Amazing. Beautiful. Right, shall we do Mencarta? Let's do Mencarta. And there you go. The famous Mencarta jingle. Two fabulously interesting entries for this week. We're going to kick things off

though with discussing a man's fine work. Oh, and before we do that, just quickly, just to follow up on what I said just before the jingle, my father-in-law, Larry, is a huge fan of the Luke and Pete show, and he keeps saying to me, whenever you're in the US, Pete, you should go visit. You're welcome to stay at his. And I said to

Larry at the time, and I'll say it again now. Now he's listening. Your ass can't cash. That's on you, Larry. That is on you. I am actually a very good house guest, and my Airbnb rating is spotless. Good. It's 15 ratings, all excellent.

That's surprising, actually. What do you mean? I always tidy up before I leave. I'm surprisingly tidy. Surprising at how good you are at shifting the blame. Right, give us the Ben Carter. I'm trying to find the bloody Mencarta. Can you fill for a second, my friend?

Yeah, I'll fill. My friend Tommy, who I'm always talking about on this show, he messaged me after last week's show. We were talking a bit about learning English as a second language, and we've mentioned it a bit at the top of the show today. He messaged me talking about learning English because his girlfriend isn't English and the problems with weird pronunciations.

He sent me a picture message with a post-it note with seven different examples he'd written down that he could think of for the sound used with the letters O-U-G-H. Right. Thoroughly. Right. Which is an R. Thought. Right. Coughed.

Roughly. Ploughed. Through. and dough. Luke, I'll level with you. I didn't hear the first part of that. And I've just got a man in my room going, dough, thoroughly. Let's do men card. Let's do men card.

You're off in a field. I feel. Right. Let there be justice for all. Let there be peace for all. Let there be peace for all. It's one small step for man. You don't understand. Willie was a salesman.

Say simply, very simply, with hope, good morning. Right, hello to Andrew Fitzgerald. He is in Australia, Hobart, Australia, which sounds beautiful. Part of Tasmania. Is that right? I think it's the capital of Tasmania. He's been in his batteries in a Denon AV receiver. Nice Denon, great brand.

GP Green Cell. I don't think we've had a GP Green Cell yet, to be honest. I was listening to Surround Sound on a projector TV last week with a Denon amp. Denon amp, nice. Good brand. Solid brand. And Bexel LG. Before we move on from that, my Hi-Fi separate setup is a Marantz amp,

a Marantz CD player, a Rieger turntable, and Kev speakers. That is a lovely setup. I am so wedded to old school radio terminology that I always call any kind of data recorder,

any kind of audio recorder is a Marantz. Whether it's a Marantz, because they're quality. And you also use the word for computer, you always use the word rig. I always use the word rig. It's a great rig. Great rig. Go on, carry on.

Hi, Luke and Pete. So a little while back I emailed about something and I told you to stay tuned regarding Mencarta. I took that as a threat. Turns out it wasn't. Then I got super busy, and if we're being honest, a little lazy, so I haven't followed through until now. While it is somewhat in progress, in inverted commas,

and I am definitely not a graphic designer, I've spun up a little website for Mencarta for you guys at mencarta.com. Whoa, I'm looking at it right now. Mencarta.com. I've only got through the first six episodes of adding content so far, but I will get the rest up very shortly. I'm looking at it now, and he's not paid the fees. Thank you, Andrew Fitzgerald.

I can't believe Mencarter.com. We didn't think of registering it. Yeah, I know. I'm annoyed, Andrew, if anything. And now we don't own it. Now we don't own it. So there we go. Andrew, that's fantastic work, and do check that out if you can.

So far on Mencarter.com, he has popped on there military blunders, delicious blunders. Blunders. Artemis Pyle, Yuri Gagarin's head, human lightning conductor, and quick lock. So it's good. It's nice. Fantastic work.

Well, we will have a mencarter submission. I've just noticed that I haven't put the bloody name in at the bottom. Oh, is it about the serial killer? Yes. It's Andy Jones, I think. Oh, how did you know? Fantastic. Because on the email you sent to me saying,

I want to do this this week, you left the name Andy Jones on there. That is so weird. Well, Andy Jones. Hello, Andy Jones. Thank you for this. Hello, my submission for Men Carter is H.H. Holmes, possibly the first serial killer ever,

who created the Murder Hotel. Triple H, not the wrestler, was famous for the fact that he built a specific hotel where he could complete his murders. For the 1893 World Fair held in Chicago, Dr. Holmes built a hotel where his victims would come and find themselves trapped for him to kill. He purchased a two-storey building and added a third floor and kept firing the architects and hiring new ones so no one would be able to know the true design of the hotel.

A telltale sign. Some people have just got too much money. Well, I think, do you know what? What sort of quality of architect doesn't go up to a client and say, so have you used any other architects on the project yet? Can I see their plans? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

Do I know if I'm going through power lines here? I don't care. I do not care. We'll be using some power lines later. Oh, my word. He's known as America's first serial killer, admitting to 28 murders, though it's believed that he's responsible for many more. Some rooms were sealed shut and was used as a gas asphyxiation chambers.

Others were lined with iron plates and had blowtorches built into the walls to burn his victims. Incredible. The prison rooms had rudimentary alarm buzzers to alert him if anyone tried to escape. The basement of the dwelling reads like a horror movie. Investigators found a surgical table in a room

spattered with blood. There were jars of poison and boxes of bones as well. Holmes had his very own Crematorium Vats of acid And two lime pits That could dissolve a body In a matter of hours Shoots from the prison rooms

Shoots From the prison rooms Slid bodies directly Into the basement And if you are Out there looking To dispose of a body After you've killed it

Don't squeeze actual limes On the victim It doesn't mean that It's different It's different isn't it Though it will go great With a beer If you are drinking Beer with a corpse squeeze actual limes on the victim. It doesn't mean that. It's different, isn't it? It will go great with a beer. If you are drinking beer with the cops,

do bring limes. Keep the flies off. Keep the flies off and nothing else. Andy Jones is very, very kind and generous to make us aware of that. I have actually read a book about this guy called The Devil in the White City by Eric Larson. He does this amazing thing

where he takes even though I've just said earlier, I don't really like Yeah, you don't like fictionalisation. But this is all real. Dramatisation. He writes it like it's a novel but it's all real. So there's no blurring of the lines, I suppose. And he wrote The Devil in the White City, which is it crosses Henry Howard Holmes

and Daniel Burnham, who was the architect of the World's Fair, which was happening at the same time and he crosses over the stories between each other. Oh, you told me about this a while ago. It's very good.

He also wrote Dead Wake which is about the sinking of the Lusitania ahead of the US coming into the First World War which is told from the captain of the Lusitania and the captain of the U-boat

that sunk it. It's fantastic. He's a brilliant writer but the reason I bring that up is because Eric Larson in The Devil in the White City actually, I think, argues that Holmes was a bit of a fantasist. And although he did kill a load of people,

it was probably only about eight or nine people. Because in the book, he starts... Shoot got blocked. No, he confesses to people, killing people who are still alive. Right, okay. So obviously that wasn't that wasn't true but yeah

fascinating story nonetheless fantastic stuff well yeah I think this has been a stand up excellent return to form for the Luke and Pete show I agree

what a great episode all thanks to all the people who got involved we will be piling through some more emails next week and we're going to be

having a lovely time doing that no doubt because we've got so many to pile through hello at lukenpeetshow.com and we just need to rush and a lovely time doing that, no doubt, because we've got so many to pile through. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. And we just need to rush and get this episode out as quick as possible because we're already late.

Correct. All right, see you next week, Pete. See you in a bit. Outro Music