The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 3: What's That Wasp Doing in My Fig?

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

What the hell is a long egg? Are there secret items available for purchase at the world's best fast food restaurants? And why was Pete being fed like a bird by a man in a KFC?It's an impromptu food special, everyone! But don't worry, there's still time to read some more of your emails and talk at length about the great Buzz Aldrin. You'd honestly be quite careless to miss it!Download, subscribe, listen, enjoy! And say hello:[e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Luke and Pete's Summer. Pete Donaldson with you, I'm joined by Luke Moher. Alright, how you doing? It's happening again. It's happening again. Third time's a charm, Pete. Third time lucky. How you doing, man? You alright? Good, thanks. Yeah, ready for episode three. I'm excited. You're wearing a spectacular pair of Bermuda shorts today. And it's long been a theme, you and I, chatting about the clothes you wear.

The clothes you wear. Well, let's talk a little bit about your little ensemble. You've got jeans on. T-shirt. T-shirt. What's on the T-shirt? It's Run the Jewels, mate. Run the Jewels. Oh, Run the Jewels. They're very popular at the moment. They are. That's why I'm wearing it. I just want the kids to accept me. Yeah, it's just nice to see you not wearing a Japan droid shirt, mate. Run the jewels. Oh, run the jewels. They're very popular at the moment. They are. That's why I'm wearing it. I just want the kids to accept me.

Yeah. It's just nice to see you not wearing a Japan droid shirt, really, in many ways. It makes a change. And you are wearing those Bermuda shorts very well, I have to say. I've got to hand it to you, pal. We got them for free, didn't we, from a... Or rather, I got them for free. What, Bermuda shorts?

We went to a PR company, and they had loads of clothes to show us. Oh, of course. You got those, did you? Yes. And I also got a matching shirt as well, so I could just wear it like a big, weird kind of safari suit. You would look like a... You'd look camouflaged. You'd look like you were just wandering through a sort of Hawaiian forest.

And before we move on too far into episode three, it's lovely to be back, of course, and lovely to have the listeners back with us. Before we move on to that, and while the theme tune is sort of roundly reverberating around people's heads still, I thought I would reply to a few people who got in touch and who is the theme tune by, what is it? The theme tune is called I Got This by the disgustingly talented Doc Brown, who not only is a rapper and a producer and a writer, he's also an actor, a comedian, a husband, a father,

and all these other things. A lover. Yeah, and he kindly donated the tune and we're very grateful for that. If you want to download it, of course, you can do from all the usual places, iTunes, all that sort of thing. If you want to buy a CD, keep it old school.

I don't know if he's selling vinyl, but you can definitely get the CD from docbrown.co.uk. So thanks to Doc and thanks for everyone who got in touch asking about it. Head over to docbrown.co.uk to check it out.

His new album's already good and also he probably sells cassette tapes now in 2017. It's fashion, isn't it? and also he probably sells cassette tapes, no one, 2017. People are getting back into cassette tapes. What I would say is that we mentioned my Bermuda shots earlier on but Doc Brown was the person who got me the free Bermuda shots, if you remember rightly. Remember he hooked us up with that PR firm

I shocked you by throwing around a bottle of wee that I'd found outside. Yeah, that's right. I do remember this day now, yeah. I'm wondering if talking about sort of left on the street bottles of urine and us getting free clothes is going to turn off listeners. No, it won't get us any more free clothes and all that. No, it won't.

It won't. I do remember that day well, and you obviously did very well out of it, Peter, as is your want. I look resplendent. So I want to introduce our new sponsor. Oh, okay, you've got another one, have you? Yep. Go on then. It's that bloke down the street Who says his name is Steve

Or he might be Simon The landlord of the pub around the corner Reckons he's a wrong'un But that's between them two Yeah Oh Stephen Simon Yeah Stephen Simon yeah Okay got it

And what's he donating to the show In return for his sponsorship Give us a follow He didn't do any of that Did he used to be in the SAS Every pub's got a man who used to be in the SAS? Every pub's got a man who used to be in the SAS Propped at the end of the bar Yeah

After three or four pints When the after work crowd has dispersed And it suddenly gets a bit darker And there's no one around It's one of those provincial sort of quiet pubs That you think How is this still going? That's always got someone in there like that

Hasn't it? Always has Just propped up by the Doom Bar cask Yeah, absolutely Outrageous Thank you very much for everyone who's been listening by the Doom Bar cask. Yeah, absolutely. Outrageous. Thank you very much for everyone who's been listening, by the way.

It's gone very well. Top of the hit parade. Yeah. Jazz. Top of the hit parade at time of recording. Yeah. Just put that caveat in there.

Because we will sink like a stone. Exactly. It's great to be there. Great to be there. Shall we kick off with the show proper? Yeah, show and tell, is it?

Show and tell, basically a study of each other's weeks. It's been... One week since we saw each other. Show and tell is it show and tell basically a study of each other's weeks it's been one week since we saw each other show and tell yeah i'm starting to get concerned as to how much longevity that little jingle's got no exactly we sticking with it we're sticking with it well yeah no i like it i like it too much it makes me want to sing more that's the problem it's the only impression i've just noticed a staple on top of the clock. What's that about? Hiding it from... What message?

Potential themes. It's the one part of one kind of song from the 90s that I can kind of ape. I can kind of sing it. Oh, God. It's been. It's been. That's not bad, actually. It's not bad, is it?

I think this is... It's been. It's been. Yeah. If that... It sounded like that guy from S-Town. Okay. I'll tell you about it. If there was no echo on that

The actual song Right I don't think people would necessarily Be able to choose between you Choose between me Can you put a bit of echo on your voice? I've got a bit of echo on it Yeah

Misc FX Let's see if I can do that Hello No Okay you can't That's alright The FX module Is not turned on

Or tuned in We haven't rehearsed it. No. We have to rehearse it next time. But I think it's a very good effort anyway. It's been... You're going to have to stop that now. We can't let that bleed into other features on the show.

But show and tell is up first, and I'm going to let you go first this time, Pete, because I'm a gentleman. That's very kind of you. You know my feelings, Luke, on cooks on telly. Yeah, you've got a very fiercely... I mean and people won't necessarily know this, but I'll fill them in. You've got essentially a very fiercely held belief and problem with the fetishisation of, is it fair to say, of food on television?

Food on television. The rhapsodisation of just sustenance. Yeah. Just the glorification of just getting stuff down your gutter. It does my nutting. It's very much, if you don't mind me saying, and I'll potentially incur the wrath of many listeners by saying this, but it's very indicative of a sort of, it's grim up north attitude.

Which perhaps sort of sheds a bit of light on your upbringing. I don't think it is. I just think I cannot stand people who get all yappy about food and why i have to watch it on the television i don't know i mean i don't have to i can turn it off but there was another one with the rainers of this world on the television last night just all these people he means jay reyna by the way not claire reyna well son of yeah was it really yes i didn't know that high fives well that's amazing you have blown my mind come on i didn't i genuinely didn't know that yeah fives Well that's amazing Come on You have blown my mind there Come on I genuinely didn't know that Yeah

Okay They're very tall Quite heavy set people aren't they Well aren't we all Yeah so There was a programme on last night Where they had a load of people Sat around a conveyor belt

Your sushi style Oh tried and tasted I quite fancied it I haven't seen it I haven't seen it yet I quite like Because I like this stuff I enjoy watching it

It's like the last days of bloody Rome Do you know what fascinates me About food television, and we won't go into too much detail, because I know you genuinely hate it, is that... Not as much as Craftdale pubs. No, yeah, we won't move on to that shit.

Maybe we'll save that for later in the run. But the reason I initially became fascinated with food television is because if you look at it and break it down into its component parts, it shouldn't actually work. And the reason it shouldn't actually work is because it only satisfies one of the three main reasons that

you enjoy a nice meal and that's to look at it which you can see on television yeah the smell and the taste you can't get the smell and the taste which are the most compelling parts of of a lovely meal please tell me if i if i hid behind your sofa i could watch you just trying to smell the telly yeah you could i did that was my sister i said oh it's a scratch and sniff thing it was comic relief or something yeah and you obviously had a little card that used to you would scratch along with whatever Lenny Henry was doing on the television Yeah, and she went up to the television and sniffed it. Oh, yes I'm just trying to think of a more 90s story than that. No I love so much I cried in my global hyperculture

Which got discolored by it. Basically, I'm a fan, a recent convert to a YouTube chef. So we had YouTube last week, of course. We had the man who eats old rations. I guess I do watch a lot more food telly than I realize. I just do it on YouTube. I don't get too sniffy about it on YouTube. I feel like you might be protesting a bit too much.

I'm a secret Craftdale fan. So, yeah, he's a man who's called Keith Cooks. Keith Cooks, okay. His name's Keith, but his actual moniker's K-E-E-F. And he just loaded it in front of me. He looks a bit like, I don't know this guy, I've never encountered him before. I'm very much behind the loop on YouTube channels.

He looks very much like a less glamorous colonel from KFC. Is he the height of glamour for you? He's maybe not the colonel we want, but perhaps the colonel we need. We deserve. Basically, I put a video of him on Twitter a couple of weeks ago because he'd cooked a long egg. And basically all of his other videos have like 5,000 views, 6,000 views

because they're about just random cooking like a chicken Kiev or something like that. This is a summation of your week. A man cooking eggs on YouTube. So this guy he had one kind of successful video which was a long egg which he did sometime last year. What is a long egg?

Exactly. What is a long egg? Imagine a log of egg. Imagine a long egg exactly what is a long egg imagine a lot a log imagine imagine a log of egg imagine a long egg imagine an egg extruded along one plane so that um it basically resembles a long kind of like an arctic roll kind of thing but basically poached or something but with a but with but white around the sides and yellow in the middle but it's one egg but it's no it's several eggs but it appears to be if you in the middle. But it's one egg? No, it's several eggs, but it appears to be. If you cut them into small slices,

it would look like the cross-section of an egg, but this is extruded along one plane. Like one of those pies you get, which has got an egg in the middle of it? Yes, exactly. But just egg? But just egg. 100% egg?

Yeah, exactly. His dream was to make a long egg, and I put it on Twitter, and people were just blown away by, A, his presenting style, which is he's very nervous. He clearly doesn't like doing it, but he gets excited about the weirdest things. He's not particularly good.

He's got quite shaky hands at times. I can't think why you like him. The one presenter on the internet I'm better than. Yes, get in there. So, yeah, he's an amateur chef on YouTube. He made a long scotch egg. If you want to check out the video, it's up on my Twitter, Pete Donaldson. But this is the follow-up. He's moved on to what can only be described as a scotch egg. He's making a long scotch egg, Luke.

Okay, right. I've got it in front of me here. You've loaded that up. It's a man who looks like Colonel Sanders from KFC, but I mean, a little bit fatter and a little bit sort of down on his luck. I mean, you'll notice, Luke, that also, the thing that I like about it and the thing that I liked about the original video is that his little kind of, what would you call it, a soul patch?

It's a long soul patch. It's a classic sort of Wild Bill Hickok in Deadwood. Yes. Exactly. It's exactly the same as the Colonel, really. Yeah. I don't know why he's doing that. But it's kind of off-centre a little bit. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. He's not measuring it properly. And I'm just trying to paint a picture for the listeners.

He's wearing like a classic sort of apron, like a striped apron. He looks like a dad's barbecue bit. Yeah, he does. So if you want to click play on that and just kind of, this is him making what can be described as a long Scotch egg. Greetings, gastronauts. This is Keef Cooks.

I'm Keef. Whoa. Hang on a minute. First impression. I was about to pause that. He's British. Yes. Did you think he was American?

Automatically. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, he's very English. Right, I'm going back in. Yeah. And today, at the risk of coming across as someone who's obsessive about long, eggy things, I'm going to show you, well, I'm going to have a go at making a long scotch egg.

Oh, no, Keefy, when are you going to do some more proper food? What was that? It won't have any egg white, because that's boring, bland and rubbish, isn't it? Do you like his style? I don't, actually, no. No, I mean, what I would say is... Use the space bar. Oh, sorry. Yeah, there mean, what I would say is, use the space bar.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, there we go. I'm not very good at YouTube. I quite fancy a slightly hot, smoky sausage around my egg yolk. He's trying to be body-loping. Yeah. I want a little funnel. It's a weird camera angle as well.

I mean, for those listening, the camera angle looks like a CCTV camera. Like we're intruding on him. It's a funnel. It's some of his, like more um sort of private moments yeah well it kind of switches i can't tell whether his missus is uh is filming him at times this is a static camera that's a static camera but in some you can sort of hear a woman sort of laughing in the background a little bit which i quite like probably use all of that because i do like a highly seasoned sausage as it were he knows what he's doing using all of that, because I do like a highly seasoned sausage, as it were. He knows what he's doing.

I'm not using all of that. I've had arguments with people about this online when I've made sausages before. His beard is really off centre. It is wrong. It is really off centre now you've mentioned it. You can't see. Yeah, it's far too fat. He's not very good at it.

That's what I like about it. He's got really shaky hands and he's not very good at it. Oh, yeah. Okay. That is a tube of porky goodness. Turn it off. He's using a sous vide machine. What we've got is a disaster. Well well the egg yolk is totally runny oh

dear there's egg yolk everywhere it's all over the table i mean i think this is essentially what a dad would do when he's finally coming to terms with his divorce that's exactly i mean i mean isn't it it's like oh yeah i'll be like gordon ramsay i'll reinvent myself and i'll put it on the internet all the kids are doing that maybe it's his girlfriend in the background then i'm worried for keithy i'm worried for him i'm worried for him in a in a different way than i was from the guy who would just eat old war rations right okay but to the same extent they've both got everything to live for they shouldn shouldn't be doing this. No. How old do you reckon Keith is? I reckon he's just out of his... No, I reckon he's about 55, but his white hair.

Yeah. So white and so fluffy and so kind of grandfatherly. What do you think is the reason for him having such a bad sort of time of it, but yet still uploading the video? Well, that's his first attempt. That's the thing that gets me. That's his first attempt at making a long egg scotch egg that he's obsessed with. Have a four or first attempt. That's the thing that gets me. That's his first attempt at making a long egg scotch egg that he's obsessed with.

But have a four or five attempt, but you don't have to upload it. I know. Practice as much as you want. I know. He's doing a lot of R&D on air, and I can't understand it. And he seems to be very disappointed when it goes wrong.

I mean, when he sort of said, that's a disaster, there was egg yellow. What do you call it? Egg yellow. The yolk. The yolk, there we go. Jesus Christ a disaster, there was egg yellows, the middle, what do you call it? Egg yellow. The yolk. The yolk, there we go. Jesus Christ.

Egg yellow. The egg yellow. Oh my God, that's a man who hasn't watched any cooking shows. Maybe I should do one. Yeah, I think you should. At the Luke and Pete summer show. You should. Yeah, so there's just egg yellow everywhere.

Yeah. All over the table. It's not a pleasing watch. I'm worried that it sums up your week, because this section is specifically about things that have happened this week. Although my show and tell is actually food-related as well. Okay. Which we'll come on to it in a minute.

Well, he eats better than me. He's eaten a long Scotch egg for crying out loud. But what gets me is he had two or three videos worth of doing the long egg in the first place, so he's just constantly just uploading stuff. I wonder where he first became obsessed with the egg. Obsessed with the long egg. Do you want to watch the rest of it? There's only 40 seconds left.

Enjoy it. I will be the first person in the world ever to have long scotch egg. I'm trying not to snap it. I'm not sure that's true. A disaster. We are not at home to Mr. Disaster today. Are you ready? That just appeared cooked. Shall I?

Okay, then. Yeah, I ate it out when he cooked it. Hmm. I think we might have got a disaster. That's, um... Another one. Look at the description. Long Scotch egg, nearly.

Brilliant. I am the first man on the moon with a long Scotch egg. How about that? Yeah, I mean, Keith is a man who needs help. I think it had absorbed meat juices, which had changed its colour. Pulse morn. And also, you know, it was surrounded by brown stuff. Thanks, Keith.

Yeah, I just like the pulse morn. It did absorb meat juices. He looks genuinely crestfallen. Egg pollen. Imagine that. Imagine you're an old friend of keith he's one of those friends that you know you're still pals with but you drifted apart a little bit over the years and yeah you know he lives locally so you still see him for a pint you get on the pub

about eight o'clock for a beer and i mean i'm sure he lives in a sort of small small town you go to the local pub what have you been up to today i would be what's the longest egg you've ever seen when he was telling me i'll be necking that pint out of there. Well, when he made the long egg in the first place, to put in the long egg, scotch egg, the thing that got me was he was very adamant that he was allowed to go to the pub after he'd made it. He went, yes, I can go to the pub, now I've made the long egg.

So you reckon... So he's set a little challenge for himself. Or he's making it under duress, which would explain a lot of what I've just watched. He did look very nervous and he's shaking all the little challenge for himself or he's over that where he's making it under duress which would explain a lot of what I've just watched he did look very nervous and he's shaking all the time maybe he is

has he been held hostage by an egg pervert maybe he has oh goodness me so yeah if you want to check out Keith Cooks he's Keith Cooks on YouTube

I mean look I'll warn you on that right you're going to have to really need to and want to watch that you really need a long egg in your life yeah wow right listen my that's excellent start pete i've enjoyed that

my my show and tell is also food related in a slightly different way right so i was heading back through london victoria uh the other night i was done a show with you and it was quite late by the time we finished and i thought to myself when i got to victoria i'm jordan for a long egg egg. No, I need a long egg. No, I'm just going to get a burger from McDonald's. I'm just going to grab a McDonald's burger and eat it on the train. As I got there, I was in a bit of a... Are you one of them guys eating hot burgers on the train? Well, do you know what? I'm not generally, but we're talking about... Go to the vestibule, mate. We're talking about quarter past eleven. There was no one on the train. I mean, I was in the carriage on my own. It's not something I normally do, but anyway um i was in a bit of a hurry because i was waiting for a train that

annoys me because people who work in train stations in in sort of um restaurant shops in train stations yeah always my tip to them is admittedly this is unsolicited advice but always maintain the idea and acknowledge that you're in a train station that someone has to be somewhere i didn't come here for a nice restaurant experience. No. I didn't come here to kind of like chat the, you know, shoot the breeze with a friend and just soak up the atmosphere. I came in because this is fast food and I want it fast.

The other thing that annoys me is chicken shops. You know, like in the parochial kind of like town centres and stuff. You go in and they've got their chicken ready. Yeah, I'll have ten spicy wings. That's too many, but yeah, ten spicy wings I'll usually have. And they'll cook the chips there and then because they don't want to waste the potatoes. Yeah, okay.

And I'm like, no, you have, like McDonald's and the big ones, you have it ready, you put the salt on it, and you serve it up. You don't cook them to order. That's not how fast food works, mate. No, yeah, I see what you mean.

They're the cheapest part of the operation. They are, massively. I mean, if you're buying potatoes in bulk, you're not spending anything. Furious. But what this sort of situation does to me makes me really British. Like, the first thing I wanted to say when I got to this McDonald's sort of thing was, I've got four minutes. Were you hopping from foot to foot?

Anyway, so I actually made the train, it was fine. But the thing that really piqued my interest was two kids in front of me. And they were teenagers. And one of them said to the guy behind the train, it was fine, but the thing that really piqued my interest was two kids in front of me, and they were teenagers, and one of them said to the guy behind the counter, can I have something off the secret menu? And I was like, what? And the guy behind the counter who worked for McDonald's just said, I don't know what you're talking about. He just pulled the shutter down. He'd been blown.

He didn't quite go that far, but he stopped, he sort of essentially denied all knowledge of it. Right. That's what they would do. I've recently heard rumours about a secret menu in fast food restaurants. If people who are listening know all about this, then I apologise. But if you don't, and hopefully you don't, there has long been an internet rumour that all the main top fast food restaurants have secret menus.

And if you go there and order things off the secret menu, they will serve them to you. And I did a bit of further research, and McDonald's particularly has one called a land sea and air burger which is a fillet of fish, a chicken sandwich and a quarter pound of patty in a burger

there's a monster mac which is apparently eight patties, there's loads of different stuff and I was trying to find hardcore evidence that this actually existed it's not just an internet rumour and the only thing I could find on the internet was pictures of these apparent burgers but with no one in this sort of uh picture eating them not in the main restaurant it looked to me like people working there just mucking about and um I got a link through to a a newspaper

article in a town in the US I forget where not a big town in the US and it was clearly not a big town because the news was they were opening a McDonald's in it and the spokesman, the guy who was opening the restaurant when asked about the secret menu for some random reason he just said, no, we're happy for that rumour to continue because it's great PR for the company but that doesn't exist

and I wondered if you, being a man who's very close to these internet type things and who would know about it knows anything and could shed any light on it because I would love to know one way or the other because it's fascinating. Well, I can't really shed any light on it, but I have heard on more than one occasion that people just go in and there's an implicit kind of agreement that if you ask for something, they can do it for you. I mean, I don't know how they price that up, but if you went,

right, I want the Landsea air burger or whatever, I think they'd if you went, right, I want, you know, the Landsea air burger, whatever, I think they'd have to go, well, we're charging you full price for all of the things, and then we're just going to mash it together and throw away or not use some of the buns. So I reckon you could probably do it, but I mean, they do it in Starbucks quite a lot, because obviously there are very different, you know,

different drinks you can make out of, you know, constituent parts. Well, on Twitter, when I searched for it on Twitter, a lot of the tweets were made up of people, more than a few people saying, I used to work at McDonald's, I've never heard of this. And like laughing emotions and stuff. I thought it was a big American thing.

I thought it was like, you can do it, but it's not... Like, they don't see it every day, do they? You're just being a dick. You are just being a dick. You are just being a dick. Buy those three things and make it yourself. Yeah. It's a bit of an odd one,

but I found a website called hackthemenu.com where they list all the major, admittedly American, fast food restaurants. And there are loads that you've never heard of if you've never been to America because I don't come over here. Things like Dairy Queen and Arby's and all these other things.

In-N-Out. Yeah, In-N-Out Burger. It's a one-stop shop for all these secret menu items and i just think the reason i think that um it might be an urban myth is because i spend a lot of time in fast food restaurants as you all know and i have never ever seen one so if anyone's out out there can give me hard evidence not my mate once had one i want to see you a photo of you eating it or even a video if possible hello and luke and at LukeandPeteShow.com. Send it in, because it blew my tiny mind to bits. And the only thing I could think of that I could have any sort of direct experience of was when we went to an Indian after the pub once when we were about 18,

and my mate asked them to give him the hottest curry they had, and it wasn't on the menu, and it was ridiculous. Right, okay. And they did it, and it was called a phal. P-H-A-a-l i uh once asked a man with you know those kebab spits they rotate and they're disgusting obviously as they rotate the only the outside of the meat gets cooked i asked for like a sausage of that meat so he sort of carved out a sausage and why did you do that i shat for like the rest of the day

why did you do that okay well i was like oh of the day why did you do that okay well i was showing off oh yeah i was like i wonder what that tastes like because i've tasted like you know scraped off meat but i wouldn't mind sort of grabbing a like a long egg in many ways eating a long egg like the spiritual leader yeah exactly he does look a bit culty i know yeah he was my french but yeah yeah yeah it was i wasn't very well after that i can imagine that reminds me once i was at I'm from as you know Pete I'm from Portsmouth

and I was out in particular a less than salubrious part of town once a number of years ago and there was a KFC there and it was one of those not 24 hour

but an open date and there were people queuing up for a bit of chicken or whatever and no word of a lie this guy walked in about four or five

people deep the queue was the guy walked in bypassed the queue slammed his hands on the counter, really loudly went to the guy behind the counter. Have you got any old meat? No. Like, as in, do you want to give me any meat? Oh, right, okay. That you're not going to sell, because I haven't got any money and I'll just eat it.

And the guy was like, what are you talking about? He said, have you got any old meat? Have you got any old meat? And he had to take him out. Because you know those sort of places have like bouncers on them and stuff. Just keep saying it. Just have to take him out, basically. Two stories.

I remember being outside chicken in Leicester. Might be in... Actually, either way. Actually, let's bleep out those two small brands, but still brands nonetheless, of chicken shop. Brands with larger legal budgets than us yeah i get my money back going in actually eating in there getting ill um but there was a guy who turned up and went oh i've got 16 chickens in the back of the van and they went all right

yeah take my back i mean fair dues it's their chickens wow chicken but i mean they're not running a slaughterhouse they shouldn't be allowed to do that, should they? No, and surely there's some sort of permit required Yeah, exactly That reminds me in turn of another story Fast food stories I know, right This is the way this show goes My mate had a flat opposite a kebab shop

It had a little balcony on it, it was on the first floor Dream home for me I know It was just ideal Better than the French Riviera You could not get me out of there, I tell you And we used to sit outside It was just ideal. Better than the French Riviera. You could not get me out of there, I tell you. And we used to sit outside and watch people in there.

So if you went out on a Friday night, you didn't want to go on a Saturday night or whatever, we'd go around our mate's house and have a beer and stuff. And you'd always watch people out there. And it would be almost like British life in microcosm, you know. And anyway, there used to be fights and fun things, all that sort of stuff. And once, no word of a lie, we were up pretty late and it had closed. you know and anyway there used to be fights and fun things and that sort of stuff and once no word of a lie

we were up pretty late and it had closed and the guy had taken the kebab meat in one of those metal sort of depositories that they keep the meat in the kebab meat in

took it outside please tell me you did an ice bucket challenge with it no this greasy man but he tipped it out

on the pavement right to get some of the old meat out of the bottom of it right which he then put down the drain in the gutter some of the old meat out of the bottom of it, which he then put down the drain in the gutter, and then the newer meat he put back in the thing and took it back in and put it on the thing. Telling you, no word of a lot.

That happened. Be careful out there, kids. That's like... It's a minefield. There was a murderer in North London who killed a load of gay men and put their bodies down the drain. And then Dino Rod, I think, came to clear the drains that got blocked obviously because it was just full of block right and uh he um in between

them reporting the fact there's a lot of body parts in the in the um wow the drain to the police when was this and the police turning up probably about 20 years ago maybe 30 years ago the house always goes up for um for auction and whenever it comes up for auction it's it's relatively cheap for a house in a think chalk farm uh it always goes um people who bidded for this property really should look into its past right okay i'll be like well up for it if it's cheaper i'll be like well i don't care yeah um but between the between dino rod reporting to the police and the police turning up this guy went back and replaced in the drain all of the body parts and the bits of meat and gristle with bits of chicken.

Oh, God. To try and defeat the... Well, obviously it didn't work. No, it didn't work. He instantly got arrested. That is an incredible story. Here's another one. That's bleak.

I hollowed out KFC. I can say this because it definitely happened. And I was a bit pissed. It was probably about 11 o'clock happened and I was a bit pissed it was probably about like 11 o'clock and I was getting some spicy wings I tell you what they did

I discovered spicy wings oh man dangerous and the guy at the counter went do you want some popcorn chicken

right I went no I'm alright he goes it's free I went alright then and he got his little tongs

and proceeded to feed me with his tongs over the counter like a bird feeding its young and I was going nom nom nom nom nom you were going along with it

I was going along with it but I was like I was like that was a bit weird did he have an erection he wasn't even he wasn't even working there it was so strange

oh my goodness. I think that is the... That is ordering off menu. Can you feed me popcorn chicken with your tongs, please? That's the free. How is it? That is the crescendo this part of the show was crying out for, Donald. We have to move on from that, surely.

All right, then. Incredible. Okay, Luke, don't conge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Never argue with the customers. No, you was. Well, certainly not in those chicken places.

Come on to the part of the show which we tentatively started calling Agony Uncles, haven't we? After last week's frankly horrific contribution from one of our listeners. It's not deterred people from emailing in. But I don't think we necessarily want to make a virtue of that type of stuff. We want to move on maybe to make it a little bit different. So, I've got one a little bit more straight laced problem and dilemma. Okay. I know you've got one as well? Yeah, I can chuck one in, yeah. Okay, well should I go first or do you want to go first?

Yeah, you go first. Okay, right, okay, here we go. So, obviously we're going to protect the names of the innocent here and so this is from JL, we'll just use the initials. Right. It's not Jennifer Lopez. Justin Lee Collins. No, we're not going down that route. No way. No.

Not after last time. JL says, Hello, chaps. I have an issue that requires your expert opinions. Would you go to a stag do, knowing that you had not been invited to the wedding? To put this into context, a stag do is in Amsterdam and includes go-karting and the Heineken Brewery Tour,

brackets, which I've been on before. There are 12 going on the Stag Do and only four have been invited to the wedding. I was on the wedding invite list but got bumped as the groom was under pressure to invite distant relatives rather than friends. All thoughts are welcome, JL. Go ahead, Pete. I think that's fine. If you are already going to the wedding and you did get bumped, and the vast proportion of the people on the stag do are not going to the wedding, I think that is fine. If you're one of the few who weren't going to the wedding, that would be upsetting. I've been to many stag do's Stag weekends where I've not been invited to the wedding

Nor have I been expected to be invited No because you have a group of friends We had a group of friends maybe a number of years ago Where there would always be like 10 or 12 of us As a base who would always go to each other's stag weekends Right And I've been to 3 or 4 That I've not even had a sniff of the wedding

And the reason I'm becoming a bit harsher on it Is because what's happening these days I think with weddings Not just weddings but perhaps weddings Particularly certainly in this case and and the reason i'm becoming a bit harsher on it is because what's happening these days i think with with weddings not just weddings but perhaps weddings particularly certainly in this case is that people are seeing them as just another event oh it's another thing to do because everyone goes out all the time has parties does things people think as a wedding is something like you know this is a thing to do it's a party to go to it's an event i want to be a part of it right the risk of sort of alienating one particular listener who's got in touch jl it's not about you mate you know it's their day it's their evening

and and they have different sets of priorities when it comes to the wedding itself and the family sometimes takes precedent you know it just does and that's how it is enjoy the stag enjoy the heineken brewery tour which you've been on before yeah as far as i know they're still serving beer on that tour so you'll still have a good time yeah and um go carton is not really for me but you know i understand people do that too luke had two weddings i didn't get invited to either i did didn't i i did johnny jimmy five bellies two weddings luke i know that's what they call me that's what they call me i'm like john prescott but for weddings i got in i got invited to uh my sister's wedding which was very good well that's expected i mean that's

expected yeah um one of the few members of the family that can read do reading at the service to my sister's wedding, which was very good of her. Well, that's expected. I mean, that's expected. Yeah. One of the few members of the family that can read, do reading at the service. I mean, yeah, barely. Yeah. I've heard you show me. And I wasn't, and I wasn't

invited on the stag. Yeah, that's an awkward one. Now, so, the brother, the thing is, I would have turned it down. Yeah. Because there's nothing worse

than it being in a group of friends and then having some knob at the end of the month. From the family. From the family. Yeah. Who's a bit of a dick, who might report back, blah, blah, blah. Can't be arsed.

I've got this issue pending because my sister's getting married in a couple of years and they're planning and stuff now, as you have to these days, well in advance. And I've been invited to the stack and I get on well with my future brother-in-law. But I have said to him between- Future brother-in-law sounds like a TV show on Netflix. It does. They'll make it. Future brother-in-law. But I have said to him... Future brother-in-law sounds like a TV show on Netflix. It does. They'll make it. Future brother-in-law.

They'll definitely make it. From space. I have said to him, I've taken him to one site and said, look, if you don't want me to come, it's awkward for you. I completely understand. I'm happy to say a reason why I can't go or whatever. And he's like, no, no, I really want you to come. It'll be fine, all this other stuff.

Oh, I think you're amazing. You're lots of fun. Your life and soul, mate. He's like, no, my mates will love you. I think... Oh, no, and soul mate my mates will love you I think oh no because they're not American but if you had I think there's a difference

between American stag do's and British stag do's British stag do's are just like block out a weekend try and kill each other yeah America

and other places I think they're a bit more respectful for people's livers and future lives but there's no peril it used to be about you take someone out like a couple of days before the wedding or the day before the wedding there's no peril it used to be about you take someone out

like a couple of days before the wedding or the day before the wedding there's no peril there's just no peril anymore I don't like peril though not even mild peril no for me

I think that's for uninteresting people who can't really enjoy themselves otherwise yeah I think yeah it's a little bit sort of cliche

and a little bit sort of base isn't it to just hammer the hell out of the stag you know I don't really subscribe to that mind you I haven't said that it's probably because I'm old now

that's probably what I think but anyway so JL thanks for getting in touch enjoy the stag. I don't really subscribe to that. Mind you, I haven't said that. It's probably because I'm old now. That's probably what I think. But anyway, so JL, thanks for getting in touch. Enjoy the stag. Don't worry about the wedding. Do something else. Stags are particularly boring because the strip club's usually involved and they are the dullest place on god damn earth. Yeah. Katie Devon has got in touch. Hello, Katie. Oh, good.

Good. I was hoping she would get in touch because she tweeted. So excellent. Yes. Dear Luke and Pete, as per your request on Twitter, I'm providing the story about how my dad ended up in hospital as a result of pickled onions. So this goes back to... For sure. We talked about pickled onions in episode one.

Yes. And I can't... Didn't you just start talking about pickles? Yeah. I can't remember why, to be honest. I said that my grandad used to pickle onions, which he did. Yeah, I got on to talking about the... Barry Norman.

Barry Norman. Well, Barry Norman does... I researched this. You revealed to everyone that Barry Norman... Revealed. ...loves pickling onions. Well, I certainly didn't know it. And so I did a bit of research.

And David Cooper, a friend of both of us, he sent a picture of a jar of pickled onions Barry Norman endorsed. In fact, Barry Norman made. And the label said... The label reads on it, Barry Norman pickled onions. And at the bottom it says, from the true connoisseur. So I think it sounds to me like Barry Norman made. And the label said, the label reads on it, Barry Norman pickled onions, and at the bottom it says,

from the true connoisseur. So I think it sounds to me like Barry Norman thinks he's got a reputation in the game as being a big pickled onion man. Yeah. Which is news to me. I'm sure he's right,

but it's news to me. Do you know what I'd like to see? Go on. A big, nice, long pickled egg. Yeah. Long egg. Long onion. Long onion.

Big, long onion. Yeah, try and do that, Keith Eats. So yeah, basically, Katie Devon's dad ended up in hospital as a result of pickling onions, or long onion. Yeah, try and do that, Keith Eats. So yeah, basically Katie Devon's dad ended up in hospital as a result of pickling onions, or pickled onions. This is a story that my dad strenuously denies, but my uncles and nan are all adamant so it must be true. We are a

family who love pickled onions around Christmas so there would have been a lot of them hanging about, so my dad as a young lad helped himself. Now a jar and a bit later, this didn't agree with his stomach, unsurprisingly I may add add and he keeled over in pain and was rolling around on the floor yeah i think i mean our families are found people as well but i would i would i would be surprised if there's many people out there who likes pickle onions more than i do i i would never have more than probably four really yeah i've eaten a jar before it does kill your guts are

you talking about silver skin pickle or onions or actual big proper ones? No, none of you kind of like ones you'd put in a martini or something. Like a proper... In a martini? You haven't met martinis, have you? Olives? Yeah, but you can still have pickled onions. You have a little pickle with it, don't you?

On the spiky stick. It's almost like a savoury drink, isn't it? So I'm not going to ridicule you totally. So yeah, he was... Yeah, he killed over in pain. My nan at this point, with fear of appendicitis, rushed him to the hospital where he was monitored overnight. Now, at some point in the morning, when my dad was remarkably better,

the doctors figured out the wheel cause, was basically he'd eaten too many pickles and was sent home. I like to think that he just pumped and went, I feel better now. Because all it does is just build, like, it attacks your stomach. Imagine him lying in the hospital bed

and they say, yeah yeah we'll keep you in we know what's wrong with you we'll keep an eye on you and they walk out and he just has a massive pump and all of a sudden he feels fine he's just looking around

going oh god what do I do do I fake my symptoms in do you reckon don't do hearty bluffs in one of those hospital gowns nah

you'll stain something do um does he say in the email that he does it say in the email that he denies it he denies that's what it was he denies that's what it was he denies that's

what it was yeah you'd think that would put him off pickled onions for life but no there's still a fight every Christmas

between the family as to who gets so many pickled onions and who gets few it reminds me of a story I went to Florida with my

family on holiday in about 1992 or something I was 10 11 something like that and it was my birthday the night before we flew home right I think I was 10, 11, something like that. And it was my birthday the night before we flew home.

Right. I think I was probably 10 going on to 11. And so my parents and my nan and grandad was there as well. And they took me to a restaurant

for my birthday. And it's one of these mad restaurants in Orlando where you can just eat whatever you want. Yeah. And for the first time I discovered

breaded mushrooms with garlic dip yeah it's quite a 90s thing they're nice aren't they yeah and so um i just essentially being literally being a kid in a in a sweet shop but with mushrooms uh i just piled them on i just ate so many of them i probably must have eaten i mean 50 of them yeah anyway that's too many especially because they're fried as well no i carried on. I ate everything I could. And the next morning I woke up and obviously I was awfully sick. Like, really badly ill.

Yeah, you're stoned to a mass of fungi. I was a fungi to be with that morning. So anyway, we were flying back that day, right? So we were flying back that afternoon, overnight, because of the time difference and all that stuff. And so I was ill. I couldn't stop throwing up to the point where my parents were quite worried about me and we got to the airport and they were trying to give me fluids as much as they could but i was still bad they had to call a doctor

to the airport to check me over because i think whoever it was at the time whichever airline it was was saying that if your if your son doesn't turn it around we can't let him fly yeah we cannot let him fly and my parents We cannot let him fly. And my parents were like, oh, God. Anyway, luckily... And back then, like, it's kind of really strict, like, air travel. Yeah.

Like, you go, oh, well, we need to live here now. Yeah, exactly. We live in America now. It's kind of like, now you can't, oh, just get on the flight and pay a ridiculous amount of money. Yeah, you can't. And I've just realised what a food-related show this has been to them.

Yeah. Anyway, so my dad luckily managed to convince the guy to let me on the plane but my mushroom boy on the plane i was being i was the human mushroom was being sick all the way home it was dreadful absolutely dreadful i was so i remember being so um ill and weak that i couldn't walk from the taxi to the house and my dad to carry me i was like 11. without to carry me in and was like 11. My dad had to carry me in. And still now, this is a measure of the type of family I live in,

they still take the mick out of me now if a mushroom gets served up at any sort of meal. Oh, do you remember your mushrooms? Remember when you ate all those mushrooms?

Yeah, 30 years ago. Crazy. Fantastic. I once, speaking of being in a hospital for a strange reason, I used to go, as you can hear from my voice,

I've got bad asthma. You've got emphysema. I've got emphysema. I don't know, I've got um bad asthma you've got uh emphysema emphysema i think i don't know i've got a bad cough quite recently well the air quality in london is dreadful so it's pretty dreadful um i had a better time in beijing to be honest um uh yeah i used to be quite poorly i spent a couple of christmases when i was very little uh in hospital which is brilliant because you get spoiled rotten by everyone on the ward all the charities who send in toys

you get more toys than usual brilliant big Tonka car one yeah I remember did you really lovely you had a better

Christmas in a hospital than your parents could give you at home yeah exactly mine he's my age he's mid 30s he um both in our 30s

we we he goes home for Christmas back to his parents place but there's no really no room for them because the family's become quite big now children and grandchildren

and all that stuff and so he and his wife stay in the Holiday Inn just down the road that's what happens to my sister she would rather stay in the Holiday Inn

what he says it's amazing because the only people there you get absolutely spoiled rotten nothing is too much trouble they love having you there

and he said the first time he did it he was was like, oh, it's rubbish. This is depressing, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they do it every year now, I can't believe their luck. I absolutely love it, and they get, like, really good deals as well. Kings of the holiday inn. Yeah, so there you go. Well, I used to go to hospital quite a lot, and one year on the children's ward, they

installed a ball pool, and I was like, brilliant, and I wanted to stay in hospital, but they discharged me because I got better the thing about young asthmatics is do you know what makes your asthma worse? what?

orange undiluted cordial does it? so I drank as much undiluted orange cordial as I could and made myself sound all wheezy I'm like ma'am

oh dear I'm not very well with asthma do your parents know that to this day? no no they do not and they took me back to hospital and I stayed for another

couple of days and played around in the ball pool. Thing is though, they put a drip on your arm so that kind of, you can't really jump around with it. So I was hoisted by my own drip there. I'm just trying to wrap my brain as to why the NHS is so under pressure. But if anyone out there

does spend Christmas every year in a sort of non-traditional place, just tell us, hello at lukeandpetech.com. Oh, lop it down. Let's take this down to the Alan Partridge Boulevard and tell us about that. Good stuff. All right, that's the end of the correspondence,

but do get in touch with us, as I said, hello at lukeandpetech.com. Yes, do it. Let there be justice for all. Let there be peace for all. Let there be peace for all. It's one small step for man. You don't understand. Willie was a salesman.

Say simply, very simply, with hope, good morning. I love that. Oh, you stopped it? I've got to listen to that all day. I don't think I trimmed it properly. I think that might have been an echo of last week's show, in fact, that I cut that. Oh, you stopped it? I've got to listen to that all day. I don't think I trimmed it properly. No, okay, right. I think that might have been an echo of last week's show, in fact, that I cut out. It's a favourite part of the show for me, this. Mencarta.

Mencarta 95 slash Mencarta 2017. Yeah, we're inducting things into our own virtual online repository, so to speak. Encyclopedia, if you will. And there's someone on email this week week said potentially erroneously although they did it on purpose mencyclopedia sorry a mencyclopedia like mencarta mencyclopedia yeah do you get it no basically we've we've taken n i'm explaining your own features you invented back to you mencarta yeah because we're two men but someone emailed in calling it a mencyclopedia yeah well what do you where do you think the word encartist came from?

Well, I'm just saying. Presumably it's the, you know, I'm giving you the different, I'm giving you, I'm giving you, I've just said, I've just said, mencarta95 slash mencarta2017

or as someone called it this week, a mencyclopedia. A mencyclopedia, yeah. What's your problem, Donaldson? It's a man's needs, man's needs. It's been. It's,

it's been. You're much better than me at that. Ah, proud. You are much better. It's been. It's been. Much better than me at that. Oh, proud. You are most proud. I think it's in your range, that's why. It's going in. It's going in hard, Luke. Yeah.

Figs. Figs. You're starting with figs, aren't you? Do you like figs, Luke? I don't mind them, yeah. I can't think of a fruit I don't particularly like. Do you want a terrible Christian song about figs? Yeah.

Do you want a terrible Christian song about figs? Yeah. There was a fig tree in Bethany whose branches were all bare. When the master looked for figs to eat, there weren't any there. And they say the devil has the best songs. Oi, I'll say it now. Don't mind it. First time I've heard that.

There was a fig tree in Bethany. I've never heard that song before. I haven't either, but what I would say... It almost sounds non-denominational. It does. It's one of those ones where you wouldn't necessarily instantly know it's a Christian song. Yeah, until it mentions Jesus. It's like, you've got to use your gift. Slips it in there.

You've got to use... Got you singing along, slips it in there. Yeah. I went to Catholic school, I understand the reference. I went to Church of England. Ooh. Oh, that's a fight. It's a fight.

The thing about that is, I say this regularly, don't be scared of a pop melody. Right. There's too many artists out there, recording artists out there, who try and go a bit weird because they're scared of the melody. You hear me, Tom York? It was a fig tree. Exactly. If you can write the melody, then write the melody.

And if you can't, stop obfuscating. Figs. Get figs in there. Get fig tree. Exactly. If you can write them in a D, then write them in a D. And if you can't, stop obfuscating. Figs. Get figs in there. Get figs in there. They are nice. They're pleasant. They're nice and soft. What I like about figs is they're effectively a big ball of flowers.

Right. The actual texture inside are just a load of the fig tree flowers. Do you mind if I just chip in here and say that for those out there who've listened to our oover over the years, they are wondering, as I am, that this might be related to your constipation problems over the years. No, what I would point out is there's more food, isn't there? Oh, yeah. It's like a food special.

It is. I'm going to name it that. Episode three, food special. Because figs apparently are very good at relieving constipation. They're nature's way of doing that, aren't they? No, I mean, they don't work. Oh, okay. I need hardcore drugs.

Okay. To get me moving. Don't we all. Yeah. Right, yeah. Figs. I've been reading about figs this week. It's basically a series of flowers inside a case, is it?

Yeah, like they're kind of filaments. They're kind of just flower heads. Okay. Turns out, if you ate a fig off a tree In the wild You'd probably be eating a load of wasps What? What? I know

Because we're told all the time that wasps have no They don't pollinate, they don't do anything interesting They're just dickheads There's a really good new scientist They've given away three Particularly new scientist issue Or it was one of those ones you can buy at christmas from that from the publisher of new scientists called does anything eat wasps right it's very interesting about the role that wasps play it's so interesting i can't remember anything about it but i do remember that they must have

some kind of role well in this case they pollinate uh figs but it's fascinating um The fig wasps are very specific kinds of wasps. They're kind of all black. They don't look like our normal commoner garden wasps. They're not very colourful. You know, like, at the bottom of a fig, it's got, like, a little hole, like a little round hole. So that's how the wasps get in. And they only let in the exact sort of wasp it needs to pollinate,

a very specific wasp. And it's such a tight squeeze that wasps invariably lose their antennae. Antennae? Antennae? Yeah. And their wings as well when they go in. So they can't come out again? Well, fundamentally, they can't go out again.

It's such a tight squeeze. And what they do, they're all female fig wasps. They plant their eggs inside the flowers up to 100 at a time. And while they do that, she's also got a bit of pollen on her i'll get into this why she's got a lot of pollen in a bit but she's carrying some pollen and it pollinates some of the flowers fertilizing them um and then the wasps just die inside the figs the wasps though the little baby wasps they grow up inside the flowers the males grow up first a few days first right um they find the pods of their sisters and

impregnate them before they've hatched huh that's horrible isn't it i mean where are you getting this from what figs man this is some comic book so they impregnate their own sisters while they're still in their kind of birthing no i got that bit and i think i want to say it again to really i don't want to hear it again and so then what to what end i mean at what point did it to the other end it goes no but where do the wasps go right so before so then the male wasps they bore escape holes through the walls of the fig for their sisters to escape and then they die in the figs. The sisters escape, picking up pollen as they go, and then they go and pollinate other figs, and the cycle begins again.

Do you know roughly what percentage of figs this replies to? Well, a very certain amount of figs. This is blowing my mind to bits. So if a fig grower who was maybe providing to a supermarket or whatever, do they know about this and so therefore they won't put those figs into the delivery? So, yeah, they do them on separate trees. So there's a male tree and a female tree. And I think they can only pollinate female trees.

But what I would say is the wasps don't know any different. No. It's not the wasp's fault, is it? No, don't blame the wasps don't know any different. No. It's not the wasp's fault, is it? No, it's not. Don't blame the wasps. No. But what I like about it is the holes that the male young wasps have made, they get out of the fig like that with the little holes, which is fascinating.

Yeah. I knew nothing about this. And so how the seeds obviously get into the ground is just normal, you know, birds and... Yeah, yeah, of course. ...and eating it and pooing it out and stuff. But, I mean, the wild fig is just basically like a big wasp body bomb. Yeah, we talked about bat bombs a couple of weeks ago. Ugh, can't get anything worse.

Yeah, I mean, where do figs grow? What countries? I don't know. Yeah, not Britain. I'm going to say Peru, for a laugh. Nicaragua. Okay. That's a guess, isn't nicaragua okay that's a guess isn't it yeah that is that is i mean i don't really know how to take that that's quite disturbing but what i would say yeah but most um things that we eat they are um grown under like

farms stuff like that so we don't have all the problems notice he said most most exactly they grow they grow under farms you don't know oh m grow under farms. You don't know. Oh, McDonald's. You're obviously an expert. It's disgusting, though, isn't it? Yeah, awful. Really awful. But a big fig and you crunch down and it's like, oh. God.

You wouldn't know because figs are quite, they're soft on the outside. They've got a soft kind of membrane, but inside they're quite crunchy. Yeah, and. Wasp bodies. Speaking of wasp bodies, it genuinely happened to me about six or so, no, probably longer than that, maybe just over a year ago. I was in the bathroom of my flat trying to change. I've got little spotlights in the roof.

Right. And you take this bit of metal sort of wire, which keeps the light in place. And you pop it out and the light comes down on the cord, obviously, on the cable and you pull it out and replace it. And one of them, I did it, pulled it down on a little stepladder, literally dusted by about 20 wasp bodies. They're dead, but they just landed. There was a beautiful video, and it was beautiful, of a bloke who turned up, rocked up at somebody's house. They were having problems.

They just saw a lot of bees outside. And they were like, oh, there's clearly a wasp. A bee's nest somewhere. Not the bees! Not the bees! The bees! And basically this guy came around with a heat sensor, like a heat sensing camera basically,

and he found out where the hottest part of the cavity wall was, the cavity ceiling was. And he basically had to cut into the ceiling. And he cuts it out in a perfect square. Yeah. And he sort of pulls down the ceiling. It's just a flat ceiling in somebody's front room. I think it was a bungalow.

And he pulls it out. And it's like he's pulling out the bottom of a bee hive. And all this honey starts dripping down. Because they've got this massive infestation. They've just made this kind of their own. Because you rarely see. It's called an apiary, isn't it? Yeah.

You rarely see one that's actually naturally formed. They're usually kind of made by humans and stuff. But he just sort of opens it. and all of this honey comes out, and the most amount of bees you've ever seen in your life. It's incredible. Yeah. So this guy had to kind of, basically, he's got this special hoover, and he hoovers them all up and takes them elsewhere.

That's cool. My father-in-law's got an apiary in his garden, and I've been down there and checked on the hive and stuff with the suit on, and he used some smoke to burn a bit of wood. Yeah, to make it sleepy or confused or something it just sedates them for some reason and it's fascinating to learn about how they I mean everyone knows this I suppose but

it's fascinating to know the sort of hierarchy and it's actually a very complicated situation the beehive in the winter they do everything in their power to keep the queen alive because obviously this is in New England where my father-in-law lives and it gets very cold in the winter. And I think that actually,

sadly, a lot of them died, if not all of them, last winter. But normally, they keep the Queen alive. When a mystery man from Britain punched the nest.

They made good his escape across the Atlantic. With a big ball of money. He listens to this show, so that has nothing to do with me. Anyway, yeah. So, listen,

I've got, for my main character... I'm going to start like a mystery podcast, like Serial, where we try and find out how all the bees died. It's definitely you. You haven't got the motivation to do that. Professor Plum in the air fury.

I would definitely be Professor Plum, by the way. So, figs into Mankata, specifically wasp-laden figs. I'm going to move on. Speaking of wasps who buzz, what about this for mine? A very special buzz. I would like to nominate Buzz Aldrin's July 1969 expenses claim. Now, if you're not aware of this... This is not food related.

It's not. It's not. We're finally deviating from the unplanned food theme. So, believe it or not, and it is hard to believe, but to believe but trust me believe this is true at the end of july 1969 of course um the summer in which um apollo 11 successfully landed on the moon and man walked on the moon for the first time and and uh and came back again successfully i love the way i said that man walked on the moon we can all take credit for it um he was required to submit a travel expenses claim it they called it travel voucher at the time, and he submitted one for that trip of $33.31 for his trip, and he actually published this on his Twitter page,

which is a fantastic follow, Buzz Aldrin, he's brilliant on Twitter. He's 87, he's still going strong, he's doing all this stuff all over the place. He published a photo of his expenses claim from that particular trip, from Houston, Texas, to the moon via Cape Kennedy, Florida and then from the moon back to the Pacific Ocean to Hawaii and then back to Houston. It was approved on August 26, 1969, signed off. I mean, for every place you go, there must be like a code

that that part of the administrative process has to go through. So it's like, what code do I put next to moon? Yeah, I know, right? What number invoice do I put? If you look on it, I'll try and share it, if I remember, on our Twitter, at Luke and Pete show. It's typed out like a typewriter, as you'd expect. I mean, which is amazing,

thinking that they've actually gone to the moon and still using typewriters, but that's obviously how it was. But I actually, and it reminded me that a number of years ago, I read a great book by a guy called Andrew Smith called Moondust in search of the men who fell to earth and he goes and hunts

doesn't hunt them like the Nazi hunters in South America he goes and finds all the men who are still living who have walked on the moon and tries to explain

how deeply it affected their lives and all this other stuff it's a really fascinating I recommend it it's called Moondust. There's a great passage in it based on this, which I'll read to you now.

It says, We assume that Uncle Sam handsomely rewarded the single combat warriors who hung their asses far out over the line and did one of the most amazing things that any of us can imagine. But no, not at all. When these men went to the moon, they received the same per diem compensation as they would have for being away from the base in Bakersfield,

$8 a day, before various deductions like accommodation because the government was providing the bed in the spaceship. Fantastic. How about that, eh? Fantastic. I think I'm almost certain that because money was still important to these guys, I'm fairly certain they signed a load of... Baseball cards.

Signed baseball cards, didn't they? That's right, yeah. And they hid them away in case they died to sell them on and provide for their own family and stuff because they couldn't get insurance, obviously, because you're going to that bloody moon. Well, listen, for this $8 a day per diem, day rate essentially, it's $55

a day now in today's money, to give you some perspective. It isn't massive. And they were paid, I think, roughly $17,000 to $20,000 a year as a salary, which is equivalent to about $100,000 to $125,000 a year now, which is obviously a good salary. I mean, these guys are at the very forefront of technology and they're amazing pilots, hugely well qualified

in some cases scientifically as well. A fantastic insight into what it was like back in all those years ago. Apparently as well, Buzz was, and Buzz is a great guy. Do you ever really punish that guy? Well, this is it, I was about to say. So there was a, for those who haven't seen or heard about this, there was a conspiracy theorist guy who... A moon truther.

Yeah, idiot, who went around... Such a little worm as well. I know, he was a little worm. And he went around, obviously Neil Armstrong passed away now, I'm not sure about Michael Collins, think such a little worm as well i know he wasn't he was a little worm and he went around um obviously neil armstrong passed away now i'm not sure about michael collins think he might have done as well who was the third guy um and buzz aldrin he tried to find them all these different various events and when he was able to essentially doorstep them he had a bible with him and he made them swear on the bible that um that um they they indeed walked on the moon that actually happened and i think ne Armstrong, who's a very reserved,

sort of quiet guy, just didn't engage with him. I think Michael Collins was the same. He went straight up to Buzz Aldrin. It's a great video. He's got a t-shirt,

trousers and some braces. And he walks up to him and Buzz Aldrin just looks and punches him in the face. He goes, why did you lie? Why did you lie about going on the moon?

And he just punches him in the face. But Buzz was apparently at one point supposed to be the first man on the moon. Right. So he was a lunar module pilot. So the way it was going to work, because obviously this had never been done before. It was going to be Buzz to do it. But Neil Armstrong, who was the mission commander and technically the senior officer,

successfully lobbied for a change in the protocol of how things were going to work, because obviously it was very well planned. And they discussed the practicalities of how small the lunar module was as well, and worked out that it would be easier for Neil Armstrong, so he eventually did it. So it made sense logistically for it. But Buzz apparently has always come out the other side now,

seems like a great guy now. He was very, very upset about it for a long time. Michael Collins, who was left aboard the command module, who for one moment, or for that 20, I think it was 21 hours-ish they were on the moon, for that period of time Michael Collins was officially the most

isolated man in human history. The loneliest man ever, basically. He was so far away from everyone. He commented saying that Buzz resented not being first more than he appreciated being second. But Buzz made up for it by being the first man... By punching both of them. On the moon.

Could have happened. But he made up for it for being the first man to take a piss on the moon. Is that right? Yeah. Of course they just went. They couldn't wait. And he was like, these guys are taking a while. Doing that, yeah.

That would have been a surprise. Fantastic. I presume they peed weightlessly beforelessly before but i mean before they got there there was talking a lot of the um a lot of the um astronauts who went to the moon um carpet i mean at that point um because i think i think i don't know this for sure but i think because it was pushed through so quickly because it was whole propaganda type thing element yeah yeah a lot of the stuff they didn't really prioritize so i think i think a lot of the tests, because you know, obviously, a few of the missions they went round the moon and orbited it before they actually walked in it.

A lot of those missions, some of the astronauts were refusing to use the toilet. They were remote, but essentially taking a modium for like three or four days. Yeah, because it was such a traumatic thing to have to do. And one of the other things I found out while reading about this as well is these days for astronauts who spend a lot of time up in space, one of the biggest things that affects them is the skin on the soles of their feet. Oh, it softens. Because they're not being used.

Right. So the skin on the soles of the feet can apparently essentially perish and become very, very painful. Because obviously the skin is designed to be padded down, to be worn away, to be used over and over again. And this is not happening. is designed to be padded down, to be worn away, to be used over and over again. This is not happening. And if they spend extended amounts of time in weightlessness and they're up in sort of near-Earth orbit,

it can affect them quite badly. I can't imagine how the joints sort of deal with sort of being back on. And I think the muscles sort of tend to atrophy as well. But I mean, listen, there'll be plenty of people out there who know a lot more about that science than we do who can get in touch. Maybe someone's listening on the ISS, or whatever you call it now.

So Buzz Aldrin... I think it's buzzaldrin at livingbeatshow. So, Buzz Aldrin... I think it said buzzaldrin at livinbeatshow.com. Buzz Aldrin's July 1969 expenses claim. Truly one of the best artefacts in history. Gotta be. Absolutely gotta be. That's my thing. Alright then. Well, let's go on in. We'll both look after Luke.

We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad with our mum and dad We'll both look after Luke. That's me! That was on a kids TV show involving a lot of elephants. I don't know, it's not got really any relevance. I like that. With the elephants. Good, it sounds like, I think, is it the tune of The Farmer Wants a Wife?

The farmer wants a wife The farmer wants a wife And a hunting we will go Do you know, also... We don't hunt the elephants in the TV show. Bringing it right up to date, that's the tune that Omar always was in The Wire. Oh, yes, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

Omar coming. Before we go, because I understand it is time to go. Time to go. Another... I can't remember if this is episode one or episode two, so forgive me, but a few people got in touch. We were talking about the Tonics factory. Do you remember we were talking about the Tonics caramel wafers and tea cakes?

Yeah. And the small town in Scotland where it essentially smells beautifully of caramel all year round. Right, yes. I think I said it was Ullapool. It's killed five people. Apparently, yeah. Apparently it's Udingston. Right.

There we go. That is the dullest. I'm glad it's taken to the end of episode three for someone to come up with that boring clarification. I'm a professional, so I'll read it out. I don't mind being wrong. It happens all the time. But that's about it, isn't it?

Yeah. Let's get over here If you want to get in touch with the show as always it's Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com On Twitter at LukeandPeteShow Instagram all at Jazz Subscribe on iTunes and find us at LukeandPeteShow.com Leave us a review because that's important

We are learning Thanks for everyone who has been listening And been recommending it to their friends We'll be back next week with another show. We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. I can't remember the rest of the words, but oh, my Carmen, you're... Oh, I'm a fig! On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk-in talks, We'll be right back. workouts you can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs walks and hikes led by

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