The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 44: Undercover police officers, public toilets, and sheep

Episode Date: March 8, 2018

When you're an experienced police officer, it probably takes a lot to shock you, and you could easily be seduced into thinking that you've seen it all. But, according to one of our listeners, his policeman pal got a lot more than he bargained for one day when following a suspected drug dealer. Listen in to hear the full story...Elsewhere, we find out about how sheep manage to survive just on grass and there's, of course, another trip back to the now-probably-world-famous Stubbington Study Centre. You just cannot keep that place out of the headlines.There's loads more besides and if you want to contribute yourself, email us: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

all right we're back again it's thursday it's luke and pete shaw how are you doing luke moore i'm good reeling from monday's effort to put to bed once and for, that crucial poison versus venom debate. If you get bitten by a horse, it's poison. But if you bite a horse, you're in trouble. Man bites horse. That was the thing that we learned. My best friend got bitten by a horse. Best friends? Yeah.

My best friend apart from you, Pete. Got bitten by a horse on holiday in Devon, I believe, with his family. Look, mate, I used to have to cross a horse's field every morning to go to secondary school, and I was bitten on more than one occasion because the farmer specifically put his cuntiest horses in them. To stop people walking across. But I was like, no, right of way, I'm a rambler. Oh, my God.

Can I tell you perhaps... Throw a snowball at the horse on more than one occasion. I bet you did. Get away from me, bitey. of way, I'm a rambler. Oh my God. Can I tell you perhaps... Throw a snowball at the horse on more than one occasion. I bet you did. Get away from me, bitey. Big target, isn't it? Can I please tell you, you give me an it's been in a second. I want to tell you, I'm going to change the... I'm not going to mention the names to protect the innocent.

Let me please tell you one of the most ridiculous stories I've ever heard, which has just come to me thinking about what you just said there. Give me an it's been. It's been. Right. Once, a person I know became very good friends with a family friend, and they used to go on holiday together.

Right. And he was quite a bit older than the person I'm talking about and they became good pals and everything and like I say, they were such good friends with the family, they used to go on holiday together down to,

I think it might have been Lake District, somewhere like that, up north or whatever and sadly, the guy contracted a serious disease, it might have been cancer and died at quite a young age, an untimely death, if you like.

This affected my friend quite badly to the point where they were teenagers, so they were quite angsty and emotional and all the rest of it, as we all were then. The guy's dying wish was to have his ashes scattered where they used to go on

holiday together. And so they all went up and did that. But the person I know took the death so badly that they surreptitiously went back to the scene of the scattering of the ashes, stole some in a Ziploc bag, and took them home. Wow. Yeah.

That's weird, isn't it? Later on, they realised what they'd done and had to get them back to that area uh under cloak of darkness surreptitiously again to put them back and lay everything to rest as it should have been i mean ashes is such a weird thing what was i listening to where um have you ever done anything that bad because for you Because for you, even for you, that's bad. That's bad. I always imagine that, because you make soap out of, you can make soap out of, like, fat and stuff.

So, like, I imagine you could probably make some pretty decent soap out of ash. No, not of ash. Why not? It's the fat content you need. Why not, though, mate? Look, people will tell us why not. We promised on Monday Monday after that horrific start to the show

what was I listening to where somebody scattered some ashes and a wind blew them onto the children's ice cream I can't remember what show I was listening to

is that real please tell me that's real I think it may even have been an alternative football podcast somebody threw I think it might have been

Barry Glentening telling the story. Out of order. You're out of order there. Got to check on the competition. Yeah. He threw the hatchets into the air and the kids were eating ice cream and it flew back into their ice cream.

What do you do? Before someone tearfully said it's what he would have wanted. I think in any other situations, I mean, what does that actually that, I think in any other situations, like, just Asajj is just so kind of like, I mean, what does it actually mean? It's a beautiful statement.

It's a beautiful idea. It's very romantic, but fundamentally, what does it actually do? I mean, what, you know. Well,

that, I mean, that is assuming that. Not for me, Clive. No, for you. I understand your,

let me put this correctly. I understand your outlook on life. And so I get what you mean. There is a place, I think I spoke about it on this podcast before, there's a place near Texas where they put dead bodies that have been donated to them

in really weird positions, like in car boots. To study them, right? To study how a body decomposes. Yeah, it's interesting. I'll be up for that. We will have emails in a wee bit because that's by far

I don't know about you Pete but it's my favourite part of the show but before that we trialled this on Monday's show and I really do feel like it's an elephant

in the room because I know how much this means to you Pete and we like to have a laugh on this show and have a little chuckle and all the rest of it

but some things are beyond laughter and should be tackled seriously do you feel comfortable talking about the decline of Maplin? Or as I like to call it, Maplins. I went in there yesterday and I took out a two-year insurance policy on a 60 quid HMI cable, saluted, and then left.

Did you get hold of any good liquidated stock? No, but the thing about, my dad texted me this, said, oh, Maplin's got a business, get down there, there'll be some cheap stuff. And I go, doesn't work like that. Especially with electronics, they are eminently resellable. Not that I've got Maplin stamped on them. No, that's true.

I'm looking at a Maplin cable here. We should get some spares. Own brand Maplin stamped on them. No, that's true. I'm looking at a Maplin cable here. We should get some spares. Own brand Maplin stuff. Well, they'll just get sold on Amazon as liquidated stock. But it won't get any cheaper. It will not get any cheaper, Luke, I'm afraid. Very upsetting. Obviously, it's not a laughing matter,

chiefly because people will lose their jobs, and that's never a good thing. But you are a huge consumer of Maplin's electronic goods. I'm an avid Mapliner. but you are a huge consumer of Maplin's electronic goods. I'm an avid Mapliner. To the point of where I bought a Secret Santa present from Maplin and the way we did Secret Santa a couple of years ago was we just all piled it in and we picked one at random. I was desperately hoping you would get my one

because I bought a little Sabutio nightlight from Maplin's and I knew that you'd love it, one, but also you'd know it's from Maplin's and that would have extra significance for you I'm scared of the dark as well you are exactly very much so I mean how do you

dreadful what are you going to do now then Curry's PC World that's something it's location though isn't it what is it about Maplins that you like

convenience if you need something in a hurry because the thing about electronics and stuff is you need it now don't you you don't got

you don't got a plumber's trade. You know the shops that sell plumbing supplies to the trade or whatever? Yeah. Howdens. Howdens. Howdens. Maybe.

Checkertrade.com. Trade point. That's different, isn't it? Trade point, yeah. Is Checkertrade not betting? I don't know. Checkertrade's for rated people, like make sure you get a decent tradesman. Yeah, so that sort of thing.

Oh, Checkertrade. They've got the Checkertrade trophy. Stop saying it. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty good, isn't it? for like rated people like make sure you get a decent tradesman yeah so that sort of thing oh checkered trade they've got the checkered trade trophy stop saying it wow yeah that's pretty good isn't it haven't they done well

yes Pete they have a marketing game so yeah whenever you're doing a job you need the stuff now you don't want to wait until tomorrow or the next day

for Amazon Prime to get their arse in the gear if they've even got it in stock but Maplans you can walk in get yourself a coaxial cable and leave. But that's only part of their business.

No one thinks, right, I want to get, you know what I need? I've wanted a new Hi-Fi for ages. I'm going into Maplins and I'm going to buy one now. Well, that's their problem,

isn't it? Selling disco lights and bloody Arduinos, isn't it? Nobody wants that. So what are you going to do instead? I'll get my drones elsewhere. Thank you very much.

It won't be a live, when we do live shows for some of our shows. We're fucked. We are absolutely fucked. No, it won't be, very much. It won't be a live, when we do live shows for some of our shows. We're fucked. We are absolutely fucked. No, it won't be, for me it won't be a sort of

a definitive live show experience without you disappearing for an hour to go to Matt's to get some cables that you forgot. Yeah. I'm not,

you know, that's been taken out of my hands. We still forget stuff though. Yet I have the reputation of being forgetful and disorganised. I'm comfortable with that. I mean, mine is,

yeah, mine is warranted. Yeah, well, everything from it's been for you before we go into emails, Pete, what have you been doing? Well, I've just been mainly upset about Maplans,

to be honest. What have I been up to? No, mainly that. All right. I thought it might be consuming you. People talk about Maplans, though. There is a shop in

Beak Street, one of the Soho streets, anyway. And basically, it's gone out of business. It's this one here. I've got a picture of it. The Deluxe Cleaning Wholesale Invisible Mending Company Limited. And it's been there for, like, ages.

Like, it's been there since I've been in Soho. You know, it's been there for, like... What does it do? Like, dress alterations and stuff? So it's like a 70s kind of... It's a 70s shop front. But what they sell in there is not, like's not like alteration or anything like that. It's manga.

Well, change the sign then. Well, that's what I mean. I have no idea how many magazines they sell because there's nobody ever in there. I don't know what's going on, but it's just this kind of shop front that just sells like manga. It's page one stuff, that. Change the sign. It's like we wouldn't put this show out and call the series Cricket. That'd have a crack. Could like, manga. It's page one stuff, that. Change the sign. It's like, we wouldn't put this show out and call the series Cricket.

I'd have a crack. Could do, yeah. I'd probably do that. Yeah, so, like, I just feel sorry for the people who... Business is closing down left, right and centre at the moment. Well, Soho's changing so much, and I was arguing with our good friend John about the gentrification of Soho.

Soho's all about dirt, and Soho is all about... Well, you're absolutely right. If you walk through, for people who aren't familiar with that particular area of London, you used to walk through it and you would feel the edge and the interest and the seediness and the excitement, I suppose, especially at night time. And now there's none of that.

It's like Pizza Express and shit like that, isn't it? Dreadful. Yeah, it's not the same. Dreadful. You still live there, though. Hideo Kojima. There's a bit of edge. Oh, yeah, in a weather screen.

Let's do emails and let's have a little jingy. All right, let's have a little jing-jing. Hang on, let me find it. I've not pressed one for a while. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Oh, yeah.

All right, then. A few good emails last time around weren't there and I think we've got a few more as well do you want to go first or do you want me to go first no you go first

ok I've got one about sheep I've got one about an amazing school trip and that is amazing and I've also got one about what else have I got here oh Stubbington Study Centre

back in the room what so two about school trips one about sheep should I start with the one about sheep alright then ok here we go this is from Neil he says hello guys back in the room. What? So, two about school trips, one about sheep. Should I start with the one about sheep? All right, then.

Okay, here we go. This is from Neil. He says, Hello, guys. Long-time emailer, first-time listener. The reason, and this is reference to a question.

I said it was possibly a stupid question a couple of weeks ago where I said, how do sheep grow into these really complex organisms, like these mammals, essentially, by only eating grass? How do they do it?

Because we have to have a varied diet as human beings. And Neil's been in touch. And I disagreed with it. You did. Well, Neil's been in touch, Pete, and I hope this will shed some light on the thorny issue. He says that the reason sheep and all other ruminants, including cows,

can subsist on a diet primarily made up of grass is because of their multi-chambered stomachs. Is that telling only half the story that's just how it processes the um the food itself well he's about to tell you right these chambers allow for a more complete digestion and extraction of nutrients from the grass or hay cows chewing cud is also a result of being ruminant with the cud being regurgitated partially digested grass they chew a little more to squeeze out the extra vitamins. This also gives rise to the term ruminating on something, with cows looking as though they are contemplating.

The reason I know this is an honours degree in zoology and a master's degree in animal welfare. I love that sign-off from Neil, because we get that a lot. That is like the friendly Luke and Pete show email equivalent of saying, come at me, bro. I know what I'm talking about. Whatever you say next is going to be non-void, because I live this. compete show email equivalent of saying come at me bro i know what i'm talking about whatever you say next is going to be non-void because i live this it's like that tom morello thing isn't it

on facebook do you remember that oh yeah where he's talking about um he's like donald trump or something and someone comments and said oh you know suddenly oh this pop star suddenly a political expert and tom morello replies with you don't have to have a master's degree in political science from Harvard to have a comment on this or to have an opinion. However, I do have a master's degree in political science from Harvard, so I do do that. There's a disease that cows get, and I think humans can get as well, where the villi in the intestine doesn't absorb nutrients.

So, you know, like, to make more surface area, there's like lumps and bumps in the upper intestine, I think it is. That becomes smooth. This is a human thing, is it? I think humans and cows can get it the same, I think. And it becomes smooth and so the surface area is reduced

and so it can't absorb quite so much nutrients and you get rather ill. Wow. wow there we go you know i mean maybe um neil can he's got a name for that a name for that help us out mate condition and there we go that's an email we're starting the show with an email about sheep the nutrients are in there you just gotta get them out correct and if you want to get the new this is this show feel free to vomit into your own mouth and chew the vomit to get all your nutrients out. Or as we call it, cod. But do tip the waiter.

Yes. Do do that. Yeah. Hello, Tom Byfield. Good morning, chaps. I thought I'd regale you with a story that was told to me by a good friend of mine over the weekend. My pal is a police officer and therefore must remain nameless.

But he was telling me of some of the funnier stories that he discovered whilst working on the force. His team were tipped off about a large drug deal that was going to be happening in an underpass in Bristol. They filled the underpass with undercover police officers. And when one slightly odd looking gentleman carrying a brown paper bag entered the public toilet in the underpass, their interest was piqued. When the gentleman left the toilet five minutes later without said brown bag, they detained him for interrogation. Hello. This sounds him for interrogation. Oh, hello. This sounds a little bit shady.

I know. He would not tell them where the bag had gone or what was inside the bag, despite hours of questioning. Eventually, he cracked and admitted that he wasn't doing anything illegal, but had initially been too embarrassed to tell them what he'd actually been up to in the loo. Oh, God. Apparently, this man's fetish was to buy a fresh loaf of bread from a baker's, take it into a public toilet, wipe the seat with the bread, and then sit on the toilet and eat it.

Oh, my God. Genuinely made three police officers gag. That is... Tom Byfield. Listen, Tom's a... That's niche, isn't it? That is fucking niche. Tom is a long-term listener of a lot of our shows,

and we very, very much appreciate it. That is horrific, Tom. I don't know what that bloke's getting out of that. It takes all sorts. I mean, there's nothing new under the sun, isn't there? Maybe his villus is a very lost surface area. He can take in all your nutrients of the toilet bowl. I think...

And I also think that it's a great badge of honour that if you can make like an experienced undercover police officer gag you've probably done something a little bit extreme because they've seen a lot over the years I expect

wowzers that is incredible isn't it do you know what I would love some more undercover police officers to get in touch yeah definitely

don't make it up real stuff real stuff that's a problem send us an anonymous picture of your badge and gun and you'd shoot in a

pup yeah yeah let's have a look at some of your case files mate away away

let us have a look mate away away okay let's do this because I mean the Mother's Day

present of last show has gone down very well as you'd expect and we don't deserve any credit for that that comes from

the emailer who was called Chris wasn't it yeah but um this is also a very good email about a school trip um you'll love it pete it's very very interesting um from jacob and he says uh hello gents with the recent chat about cancelled school trips i felt i had to get in touch about one that i went on in my early teens that wasn't officially cancelled, but went so badly, it was never spoken of again. Presumably to promote the values of community, we were one of a number of schools in Leicester,

Pete, you're on that old neck of the woods. Nice. Invited to the botanical gardens where some of the various buildings and outhouses had been converted into pretend businesses, mimicking the setup of a real town. I love it. It's like Deadwood. Each school was assigned a role.

Ours was something particularly dull, like town accountants. But one of the weirder ones was the town police force, complete with a makeshift prison in a fenced-off courtyard. This was presented as a place to be avoided, and minor infractions were punished with half an hour stints inside the jail and lost points for the school and the bitter with the overall winners. See, this is a really, I don't know how long ago this is, but this is a really weird thing,

a really weird dynamic to do with school kids, don't you think? A little bit, yeah. Because I understand you want to educate them about the real world and what things people do and stuff, but to take it to this extreme is mad. They just seem unsupervised. They could do with just being supervised a bit. As you imagine pete um jacob goes on to say as soon as the first couple of kids from our school had done their time however because they'd obviously been misbehaving

word quickly spread um that hanging about in the courtyard with your mates was actually a lot more fun than uh rifling through stacks of monopoly money. So soon, almost every kid from our school, along with a couple of easily influenced outsiders, found themselves behind bars. Anyone who's read Milgrim's prison experiments, back in the 60s, the Stanford thing, will question the idea of assigning kids the roles of prison guards and prisoners. But in this case, it was the police and guards

from one of the city's more refined schools who were given the runaround. You can imagine that right there was a brisk trade in Pokemon cars and a gambling corner set up to play that game where you throw a 10p coin and it was close to the wall without touching it as soon as anyone was released they would immediately commit

another petty crime calling one of the police a dick would usually do the job and be marked straight back inside with a massive grid on their face one kid even decided to cut out the middle man on his taste of freedom, scaled the small fence keeping us in and reincarcerated himself to cheers

from those of us still banged up. Suffice to say that our teachers weren't impressed and while everyone else was in assembly where the winning school was announced, we were taken aside and giving a dressing down, having brought shame on the school. Why this seems so badly supervised, this seems like that scene in Dumbo

when all of the boys become donkeys and they smoke cigars. Yes. They're just going at it by themselves and doing whatever they want. How thin is that fabric of society? But you know what, this reminds me a bit of, you know we launched a show called Berkhamsted Revisited about two girls reading teenage diaries in a small show called Berkhamstead Revisited about two girls reading teenage diaries in a small town in Berkhamstead.

It's very, very good. You should listen to it. If you're listening to this, you'll like it. It's got an in-betweeners nostalgic sort of vibe. It's called Berkhamstead Revisited. Anyway, the school that one of the girls, Laura, went to, quite a well-to-do posh school. And how bad is this? You'll hate this, right?

How bad is this? When they went on school trips and say one of them got caught smoking or misbehaving or whatever they were told to tell the people who spotted them that they weren't from berkhamstead they were from berkenhead which is obviously up near liverpool yeah so they would never get in trouble because that school was quite like an illustrious like private school and they didn't want the reputation to be damaged yeah just say you know a bunch of poor people. Brilliant. Terrible. Fantastic.

I'm for that. Speaking as one of those poor people, and so are you, you should be ashamed of that. Anyway, thanks for that, Jacob. Fantastic. That's probably my favourite school trip gone awry. And as you all know, I am a huge fan of Stubbington Study Centre, so I don't say that lightly. The Stubsters.

We got one from Chicago, Illinois. Hello to Israel Putnam. Good name. Putnam's a great American name. A friend of mine's middle name is Putnam. Paul Putnam is the curious orange from This Morning With Richard, Not Judy. Yeah, I think we've said that before. And the tie's ahead.

My friend Mike Eastwood's middle name is Putnam. Hi, boys. Hello. I don't know why I started it like that. Sorry, boys. It's like Carlito. Carlito's way. During episode four, you expressed some incredulity about people placing phone calls

and somehow getting connected with the person they shouldn't. I heard an amazing story on this theme several years ago I thought you might like to hear. I went to a school, a place called Wheaton College in Chicago. Illinois. Illinois. Illinois. While I was there, one of our famous alumni

came back to give us a lecture. The man was Dennis Hastert, who was the, or H our famous alumni came back to give us a lecture. The man was Dennis Hastet, who was the, or Hastert maybe, who was the Speaker of the House in the U.S. Congress from 1999 to 2007. During his speech, he told a story about being in his office in Washington, D.C. on 9-11. Since the Speaker of the House is third in line for the presidency, he had one of those big red phones on his desk like you see in the movies. It's very serious when that phone rings, of course.

Yeah. As chaos was ensuing in the minutes. It's very serious when that phone rings, of course. Yeah. As chaos was ensuing in the minutes after the planes had crashed at the Twin Towers with everyone scrambling to find out what kind of attack was happening, the red phone rang. Whoa.

I mean, so he's thinking Air Force One has gone down or something. Do you give it three rings? Do you answer straight away? You don't want to look too keen. If you look too keen,

are you really fit to be the leader of the free world? In a film, it would be a glance it would keep ringing it would zoom in on the phone and then the receiver would be picked up and then someone would go holy motherfucking shit mr histet uh froze for a second and then grabbed the receiver hello he said a provincial and somewhat annoyed voice on the

other end said yeah this, this is Fred Wilson from Kankakee. I've been trying to get through for nearly an hour. What the hell is going on up there? Mr. Hastert was bewildered at the identity of the caller, but recognized the location as a rural town in Illinois, which was the state he represented in Congress. After asking a few questions,

Hastert realized that through some mix-up, a random constituent from his home state had managed to get patched through to the doomsday phone in his office. The congressman said, well, this is Dennis Haystert, Speaker of the House.

Everything is going to be fine and hung up. Bluff it out. Bluff it out. I wouldn't believe it. Fake it till you make it. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't heard it

directly from the big man himself, but this has to be one of the all-time mix-ups in the history of California. That's fantastic, isn't it? That's brilliant, isn't it? Because you talked a week or two ago about the nuclear football, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, because it almost got into Chinese hands on a recent trip. And do you remember the story about... What a mess. Was it George H.W. Bush being sick on the Japanese Prime Minister? No, that was... Oh, yeah, yeah, it was.

He was doing very well. Jet lag, isn't it, mate? It's bad, though, isn't it? Bit of Jisa Boke. Maybe he'd had a red eye. oh yeah yeah yeah it was he was um he's done very well jet lag innit mate bad though innit bit of G-sub-OK maybe he'd had a red eye I think I yeah I think I am world class at being able to

hold down a vomit yeah I if I've got opportunity to do one I'll do it I will too but like

I never puke the next day no but I think I think because of the upbringing I've had of us just drinking when we're kids yeah um you do learn how to sort of talk your way you get that juicy jaw don't you you know juicy juicy jaw wet mouth yeah wet mouth wait the saliva glands they be working overtime

and they're just squirting saliva because you're about to be sick if i get to that stage that's probably the the sort probably the event horizon. But if I can keep myself from that, and listen, I'll tell you something now, Pete. If I'm sat in the back of a cab at three in the morning and I've got to stick my head out the window, I'll do it. Because that short, sharp shot will buy me time.

I've never, I don't think I've ever been sick in a cab or made anyone stop. I'm quite good at that kind of thing. But I am very efficient with my sick, so if I need to be sick, because I'm trying too much because I'm disgusting, I'll go, right, need to be sick, and, you know, back in the game. Yeah.

If you've got tips on how you avoid vomiting in inappropriate places, hello at lukeandpeatshow.com. I had terrible acid indigestion drinking in Leicester over the weekend, or last weekend. Baileys. Was it? Hit the Baileys hard. Yeah, that's not going to be good for you.

It's going to give you heartburn. No, no, but eventually. But, I mean, the milk can destroy some of the acid. But aren't you still banging like 30 Gavascons a day? No, no, I never take Gavascons. Rennies? No. I thought you had a stomach problem.

Renitazine. No, I've got some form of IBS. My mum had it for a long time, so I take Gaviscon. Rennies? No. I thought you had a stomach problem. Renitazine. No, I've got some form of IBS. I haven't had it for a long time, so I imagine I've got it. But there's no medication for that. There is. I use Buscopan. It's two things. People conflate the use of Rennies and Tacids with stomach aches. And you conflated your bowel.

I don't have that. I have crippling stomach pains, like cramps more than anything else. And I've had it since I was a kid. Got a lot better because I stopped

eating egg and chips every day. And, you know, dogging bags of Haribo. Yeah. I would eat sweets like food out of bowls.

Terrible. Absolutely dreadful. You were clinically fed up for a long time, weren't you? Clinically fed up for a long time. Eaten a lot of Toblerone.

I've got an email about a study centre. Can I read it? Do you want to present it in the time eaten a lot of Toblerone I've got an email about a study centre can I read it do you want to present it in the form of a Mencarta because you've got a new Mencarta jingle

because somebody sent one in but I want to do this email I don't want to do Mencarta we need to do an ad break as well

should we go to an ad break first alright then let's do that I'm very very good there we go that was short and sharp yeah it's alright isn't it?

Very nice. All right. So this is from Jamie Landy. Lando. Good name, Lando. Landy Corussian. He says, all right, chaps, like the gift that keeps on giving, I also have a Stubbington Study Centre story.

What is this place? And you'll forgive me, Pete, but this is a good one. I'd love us to go visit Stubbington Study Centre. I don't want to. Mate, because then we can pop into my mam's for egg and chips. He says, at the end of year six, so for those listening overseas, that'll be, what, 11 years old,

my primary school took us for a few days' trip to the Stubborn to the Study Centre. Much fun was had. Many hours were spent playing the Simpsons classic arcade game, Scroller. Oh, nice. Badgers were seen. Marge, best character, because she's got a lot more reach, because she's carrying a hoover. She used a hoover, yeah.

Badgers were seen, presumably not in the Simpsons game, and little woodland mice were caught. It was fun. Now. But, towards the end of the trip, there was a five-a-side football tournament between my school and another school, who were also staying. This story does go a bit awry. It goes down a bit of an alleyway that

I wasn't particularly comfortable with, but I'll leave you to be the judge. After the teams were picked, I was the starting goalkeeper. Being 10, oh, they're 10, there you go, we took our tournament seriously, we had training sessions, we talked tactics, and we created a game plan. We were ready to take on the world, until the team captain, and my best friend,

decided to drop me last minute for Joe Balls real name. Son of Joe Balls. Ballsy. Ballso. A ballsy move. With the biggest injustice of my youth bestowed upon me, I let out a very dramatic hurt. You fucking wanker!

And I stormed off to sulk. When you're ten, everything seems massive. The house you grew up in, the school you first go to, and the Stubbington Study Centre never in a million years did I imagine screaming fucking wanker in what turns out

as a fairly small plot of land to be heard by my teachers and the old boy who runs the centre but it did and ten minutes later I found myself

in the office of said manager who was obviously giving me the telling off of my life and this is where it goes a little bit weird why is he getting involved

why is the head why is the head of the, why is the owner of the Stubbington Study Centre swearing centre? Yeah. Getting involved in, you know, disciplining children. Because you're in his town now. It's his way or the A32. The last time we had, it was incredibly lawless.

They had a real incarceration problem. They did. Over incarceration. No, that wasn't at Stubbington Study Centre. Oh, was it? That was like a different place. Yeah, that was in Leicester, wasn't it?

I told you. Anyway, Jamie's penance for being such a rude young man was decided by the manager to explain in excruciating detail what fucking wanker meant. Oh, no.

With each word, what each word individually meant, how, when used together, it was actually an oxymoron. I had to write the dictionary definition of each word, what each word individually meant, how, when used together, it was actually an oxymoron. I had to write the dictionary definition of each word ten times each. I don't think my parents had told me what the birds and the bees were at that point,

so it was very awkward. I don't know if I agree with that. That's not right. You shouldn't be getting children to, you know, describe sexual events, should you? At the very least, you need an independent witness there. Anyway, Jamie says, To summarise, it's safe to say I was scarred for life.

I only ever use the term fucking wankers when it's absolutely necessary for fear of being reminded of that terrible, terrible 30 minutes of my life. Threadful. Keep up the good work, you fucking wankers. He hasn't learned his lesson at all, has he? You'll be round here for 30 minutes of a thrashing. I remember the first time I learned the word wanker.

I also remember the first time I learned the word a blowjob, which I was told was blowjaw. Right. I went home and I said, Ma'am, what does wanker mean? Didn't tell me. Ma'am, what's a blowjaw? I mean, she was probably confused about what I meant, to be honest.

So you knew it was a rude word. So you asked your mother? Yeah. That's weird, isn't it? I asked my mother, oh, what is a blowy? Blowjaw. I said, mum, what's blowjaw? And she's like, I don't know how she weaseled out of it.

She's like, I literally don't know. I was like, mum, have you ever done a blowjaw on dad? That's actually what I said. What did your dad say? Dad wasn't, he works nights. How is your dad, by the way? He had nothing to do with my upbringing. How is Stuart? Any holiday updates?

No holiday updates. What's he sent me recently? He sent me a clipping from what I'm presuming is a right-wing newspaper. A letter from a man who was basically saying, why do people insist on scrimping and saving for houses in London? Why do people spend so much on sandwiches?

Maybe they should go to a town in the middle of nowhere and boast of their economy and boast of their community. What does any of this mean? Idiot. Yeah. Idiot, man. Stuart. Stewie.

Come on. Come on. We're a fan of your work, but come on. Before we do, Menkata, I'm not going to read this email because we haven't got time, but someone also called Jamie has very smugly emailed me saying I was wrong about the six-month expiry date on cheques. I went on the NatWest website. We reserve the right not to pay a cheque that is older than six months. If you have a cheque dated six months or more ago, it may not clear,

and you should contact the issuer of the cheque and ask for a replacement. Jamie, that's Nat West's words, not mine. And I used to work at Lloyd's, and it was the same process there. But what it does go on to say is if you do not stop the cheque, there's a possibility it may still be paid.

But what I say, Pete, is what I always say. Why take the risk? Why take the risk? Cash your cheques for crying out loud. Cash them. For goodness sake. Cash them. For goodness sake. Cash them. I once got a cheque

for getting a letter in the Chipper Club, which was a local newspaper kind of dog that was the mascot for the actual newspaper. Oh, that's cute. But the thing is,

I think it might have been a syndicated matter, even back in the 80s. I don't think the person who was making the Chipper was just doing the Hartlepool mail for obvious reasons.

But how much was the check for? It was like, it was five quid. It was a substantial amount of money for a kid. For a little one. In the 80s.

In the 80s, for a little one. There we go. Also, on the other side of this, if you've sent a check to someone and they've not cashed it after six months, cancel the fucking thing. Just cancel it.

Yeah. You can't be blamed for it. No, exactly. Yeah, there we go. I miss those machines in supermarkets where you've well do you know what people got themselves in an awful lot of trouble people who i won't mention got themselves in an awful lot of trouble literally writing checks they couldn't cash using those machines back in the day that was me cash and check you talking about me well you were involved but there were people at my university who had their photos put up behind the bar

because they kept cashing checks with no money in their account. Really? That's wonderful. Yeah, and the student union. So nobody's getting the money there. Presumably the banks would still have to pay out, wouldn't they? Well, exactly, yeah. And you'd get rinsed down the line for charges and all the rest of it.

Why does the student union care then? What's business is the student union? There's a way of paying. The student union has cashed it with good faith. The banks should be honouring it.

Sounds like government overreach to me. I don't like a centralised government. I'm very much an NRN member in many ways. Where's that come from?

We don't have time for Menankata really no let's get out of it we'll do it next time I will apologise to Ilum in Galway who did submit it in Mankata

we will get to it at some point it's very interesting we've run out of time this time around but next time we will so thank you very much for sending it in

and if you have any other stories that you think may be worthy of inclusion in this wonderful show that we've put together for you for your benefit

for nothing it's hello at lukeandpeachshow.com and that's that really lovely old job I'm not a member of the NRA I'm actually

disgustingly left wing I won't get myself a cleaner no he's Brexit now we get a load of emails saying oh Pete Darson leave your politics at the door

just stick to the entertainment mate I've said the same thing I've said before he does stick to entertainment it's not that good yeah let him branch out

do you want me to say the C word again no do you want me to make this podcast dirty no alright we've run out of music see ya