The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 47: An emu should not be living there, it's not right

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

Here we go then, back in the habit assessing the fallout of #craftalegate (something for which Peter is showing no contrition at all), learn that Pete paid an old man a decent amount of money to come to his house and teach him Japanese and hear about a weird and actually quite depressing tale of emus and go-karts.There's also Moonwalker, Paul Gascoigne antics and the science behind yawning. Pete also goes a touch off-piste about childbirth too, but we suppose there's nothing truly surprising about that.To bring us gifts: [e-mail] ***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Huberty makes me fall in love sexually. I got no hair on me. Huberty. Not that. Hello there, I'm Pete Donaldson. I press the buttons on this endeavour, but unfortunately I do do a lot of podcasts, so I get incredibly confused pretty much every hour of the day. I'm Luke Moore, and I think a lot of you out there will think that Pete's doing that on purpose. No.

He isn't. It's not an affectation, it's my brain losing the will to be in my head. And I think that is an important distinction to draw as i try and make noise to mask the sound of me opening my cup of tea um that i i i really want to make it clear that nothing you do pete one of the most endearing things about you is there is absolutely no affectation about you you're very honest you're very out there and and the the And the instances of genuine incompetence that people will hear on this show

are exactly that, genuine incompetence. I can sometimes play up to my character on the podcasts and shows that I do. Yeah, but that's about the extent of it. But that is the extent of it. This is my life. It is an unending series of unfortunate events that I am willing to deal with.

Wasn't Jim Carrey in that film? What was that film? A series of unfortunate events. I film what was that film a series of unfortunate events I think it was made into a Netflix series as well do you know what

Netflix is shot for yeah Netflix not everything that films like in

x-rays I was going to be x-rays as Alaphon what was I going to say do you know what this has been fairly widely reported so apologies if people already know this I don't think Pete will know it that's why I'm going to be extra as a telephone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was I going to say? Yeah, do you know what? This has been fairly widely reported, so apologies if people already know this.

I don't think Pete will know it. That's why I'm going to ask him it. Do you know what Netflix's content budget, content alone budget, is for the next financial year? I can only think it's approaching the billions because it is very, very expensive. Because they're a behemoth. Well, they're...

Did you say behemoth or behemoth? I said behemoth. Okay. But nobody's making any money out of these new ventures. Netflix, Uber. Nobody's making any money. They're just... It's all under the auspices of everything not going to the wall.

Netflix could end tomorrow and they would be in massive amounts of debt. Pete, to the wall. Netflix could end tomorrow, and they would be in massive amounts of debt. Pete, answer the question. What? I think it's approaching a billion pounds. Eight billion dollars. Fuck me! Yeah, I will if you carry on like that.

Jesus! You know what? That's a lot of money. All of a sudden, they haven't got the budget to make a TV show of any of our shows. Eight billion! We don't even want a million!

We could be the next Men in Blazers. We've got blazers. I've got a bloody cupboard full of them. I found one last week I'd never put on before. I've got loads as well. I can't do any of them

up anymore. But I can wear them. I never could because I always go into just too small. And the ones on Men in Blazers, I don't know their names,

they don't wear blazers that fit them anyway. Oh. So we'd fit right in. Anyway, we are asking for an eight thousandth of that. A million dollars

that's it I hope they're spending a decent amount of money on getting the main casts who've stars have waned a little bit

admittedly for Arrested Development Season 5 because the fourth one was mainly filmed on green screen and it was fucking dreadful I've not seen

more than about two minutes of the show ever oh my god this is why you think Peep Short isn't as good as Inbetweeners. Because you don't know a great comedy like Arrested Development. It is unendingly fantastic. That all may well be true, but it brings up an important point, which is that one thing you learn doing shows and radio shows

and podcasts or anything is that you can't get away with this what we're talking about this affectation you can't say something that you don't honestly believe and the reason for that is because if you're doing four or five shows a week you just get found out you can't you can't lie about stuff you like and don't like because sooner or later you're going to get found out because you forget you lied about it so when I said that I prefer the in-betweeners to the to peep show it's because it's it's true i mean i just i just enjoy watching them i'm not going to lie about it and go oh peep show's really trendy or whatever so people i must like it i don't even know if it's trendy or not

but you understand you understand the point i've just never got around to arrested development i sort of feel about tv series the same way i feel about films just it's all great and you know everyone's having a lovely time but there are too time, but there are too many of them. There are too many of them. And also, especially with boxers and stuff, I've got a mate who's, I don't know whether his relationship with his missus is that great anymore

because they seem to pile through every single last... What a way to start an anecdote. Every last TV show on Netflix. No. Every last TV show on Netflix. It's not me, is it? But they've gone into the outer reaches of not only Netflix

but Amazon as well have you seen this no nobody's seen this nobody's watched never heard of it I was going to say Vikings but you've watched that

I haven't actually I haven't sorry you look like a Viking that's right that's what we got what you're confusing that with is that show American Thingy

American Viking American Horror Story no American now series it's a um a neil gaiman thing oh yes i do not you mean and it starts with an amazing scene a lot of nymph knobs of vikings and i started i talked about on this show but the funny thing about it was about a week after talking about on the show didn't stick with it couldn't get with it my wife enjoys it speaking of uh hollywood i uh just interviewed leslie man um uh and uh john cena the wrestler so when you said you were film blockers right so when you said you were interviewing john cena to me earlier this is this is an insight into your life you messaged me saying might be a touch late this morning i'm interviewing john John Cena. I assumed... I can't get that out of my head

whenever I hear his name. Is that his tune? You're not like the memes. Like his name is John Cena. That's his theme tune. Okay. I'm not familiar with his wrestling work at all, to be honest.

Well, this is what I was going to say. I was going to say, obviously you've started doing a wrestling podcast. It's been very well received, and rightly so. And I thought you were interviewing him for that, but apparently not. No. And Leslie Mann's in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, isn't she?

Yes. Yeah, that's where I heard from, yeah. She's done so many comedies. I know she's Judd Apatow's wife, but still, like, she's done so much comedy. And, yeah, but John Cena's legs in that film, blockers, my God, that man did not skip leg day. Because he always wears cargo shorts. you can't see his legs.

Yeah. You can't see the top of his legs. Fuck me. Yeah. Like the whole kind of the... Compare them to something so people can get a visualisation of it. It's like an hourglass because they've got to end at the knee and then go out again for the car.

Fuck me. There's nothing like it. What, is there actually sand pouring through them? Through his veins? My foot, it's the sand. May as well be. Yeah, that's amazing. So give us your it's been, then.

It's been. That was quite good. Somebody gave me the props that I did a good one last week. Yeah, you're in good form at the moment. I'm back. I'm in rude health. It's been a week. No, it's not been a week.

It would have been a weekend since we last spoke to everyone. Quick update, recap, in a Netflix style, if you like, of what we were talking about over the last week. I went to go and see Harry Potter. Pete got mad about craft ale, and we'll come on to that again in a little bit.

We slated Alex Jones, which I think is fair enough. You followed up the craft ale rant by announcing that the night after that you got drunk on your own. We heard about a donkey on cocaine and a man almost having his buttock ripped off while chasing a felon. A very full show, actually.

It sounds like we got through a lot there. And the Craft Owl thing, for those who don't follow us on Twitter, I would recommend you do. It's at LukeEndPeteShow. I did something which you later called a disgusting abuse of trust, where I published on Twitter a snippet of our... A private conversation. Our WhatsApp conversations.

But as per the contract you signed, Pete, anything is available for publishing and immediate release. All right. Essentially, think of it like anything you send to me is essentially a... Public record. A press release. Right. It's a press release.

Treat it like a press release. From the desk of Pete Donaldson. Yeah. And you said on the WhatsApp to me, and people have been on board this Craft Ale thing, it's split the audience, but everyone's got an opinion on it.

They love it or they hate it. You talked about it in very, very rich terms. I'm not going to go into it, but it's not the Craft Ale itself. It's the people who obsess about it. Well, the WhatsApp you sent me was,

I can't drink lager anymore because it gives me an upset tummy, so now I'm drinking IPAs. Now, that is a remarkable U-turn. That is a Theresa May-esque U-turn, if you don't mind me saying. I don't know how to, maybe I can get some of the craft ale neckbeards

to recommend a craft ale that tastes like lager. Because I just love a fizzy pilsner, but if I drink too many of them, on certain nights, I don't know what it is, I think it's like, I've got to be careful about the food I eat beforehand uh i can't eat anything too greasy i just the the oh i've got to take a couple of renitidine smash back a couple of rennies people who listen to this show regularly will be well well versed in your ailments won't they

a lot of my stomach related aren't they it's not even, but that, you know, my problem stomach wise is the cramps rather than the actual, the actual antacid problems. So, yeah. So what's the latest on your ale consumption, which I presume is still very heavy?

Well, at the time I sent my, sent that WhatsApp message, I was drinking lager and I didn't have a good night on it. But then the next night, stayed on lager all night

and I was fine. So, horses for courses. What an insight into your lifestyle. I was like, right right i'm changing everything about my life and then went straight back to what i was doing anyway i went to a wedding uh party and i was at one point uh there was a girl uh who i knew not for ages and she was um talking about she's um she's always been vegetarian but she's recently gone vegan and i was like oh no i was going yeah that's so good uh i'm sort of gesticulating okay it's so good that's so great you know we need to start to think a little bit more about sustainability where our food's coming from and then i looked

down my hour and realized i was gesticulating with the chicken leg excellent we really need to think about the kind of food we're eating and the you know the damage we're doing the planet and the animals that inhabit it. Did you finish off by tapping on the head with it? Just popping the chicken leg into my pocket. I think there's a large part of me that would very much like to not eat animals, actually. But realistically, it's not going to happen. I'm not good enough at cooking

that I would be able to survive. When it comes to veganism, it's so far above my understanding. I don't even know what can I eat. A shoe's food. Are you vegan? Don't think so. My understanding of veganism is that you can really only eat fruit and vegetables and beans and pulses. Didn't Ashton Kutcher

got incredibly unwell? He's mad, isn't he? Is he mad? One of the Hollywood ones who's mad? I think he has. I think he's one of the more interesting

kind of young, good-looking ones. He's probably about 40 now. He's older than us. I think he is 40. When he did the Steve Jobs film, he tried to eat like Steve Jobs, which is just silly. That was Steve Jobs' real tried to eat like Steve Jobs which is just you know

just silly that was Steve Jobs' real shortfall wasn't it well he had a bad idea about that well he always all he would eat

is fruit and nuts and stuff and it actually gave him pancreas problems it gave Ashton Kutcher he got put in hospital because of his

pancreas which presented problems and that's obviously how Steve Jobs died so that's all the anecdotal evidence I need. You should be eating as much red meat as possible. Well, not just nuts and fruit. You need a bit more diversity.

Slam a bit of tofu into yourself. We evolved to be omnivores, of course, and I think that probably tells its own story. But I read a horrible article recently about the dangers of eating uh bacon did you read that yeah i don't consume a lot of bacon processed meats bad news bad like a sausage too much though the problem is we we go we do a show last week where we hammer and we all like a sausage we hammer alex jones for peddling all this stuff yeah and then we start talking about things oh

you shouldn't be eating but none of us neither of us know they're not qualified are we this is not medical advice at any point but like really fatty carcinogenic food, probably not the best thing, is it really? No. That's what my bum, that's the sound my bum makes. Everything in moderation, that's what I say.

Everything in moderation. Your It's Been is again alcohol related. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've got them in cart for a little bit later on. But it's kind of a very informal one, just something I found out during the week. I'm like, oh, that's a good, that cart for a little bit later on. But it's kind of a very informal one, just something I found out during the week. I'm like, oh, that's a good little bit of knowledge.

I thought the plane flight one was very good. Which one was the plane flight one? You did it. What was it? Last week. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They flew for 60 days or whatever. This one isn't going to be as good as that.

All right, so that's its been. Should we crack straight into emails? Do you want a little jingle for that? All right, then. Well, let's do a little break, and then we'll be back with some very, very into emails. Do you want a little jingle for that? All right, then. Well, let's do a little break, and then we'll be back with some very, very good emails. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete.

I told you never to argue with the customers. Never argue with the customers. Hello at LukeAndPeteShow.com if you want to get in touch with this section. Yeah, baby. Consistently the best section of the show because it's not the one that's popular by us. It's certainly the biggest get in touch with this section. Yeah, baby. Consistently the best section of the show because it's not one as popular as ours.

It's certainly the biggest section anywhere. I would agree. I would agree. Hello, yeah, so hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. I've got an email here from Tom Morant.

I've got a little something for you. A little email for you. Yeah. I always get told off by some listeners for singing. Oh, yeah, you do. I think people think

that I think I'm a really good singer, so I want to sing all the time. I mean, you have said that on more than one occasion. You are a good singer. But I'm not one of those people who goes down to the karaoke bar on a Saturday night and takes himself really seriously and does a wind beneath my wings. Have I told you about the secret karaoke bars

I'm obsessed with in Piccadilly? Yeah, maybe. I'm just like, there's secret karaoke bars everywhere and you just don't know because everything's in Japanese or Korean. It's like, I want to get in there. Why don't you go there? Because I'm scared that my level of Japanese will not be good enough. Yeah, I don't think they'll judge you on that, will they?

Well, I mean, the only reason I know that it's there is because I read it in Hiragana, so I'd have to sort of go, hello there. That's another one there, John Cena speaking Mandarin Chinese. Does he? Well, yes. Yeah, I think he does. I don't know how good his kind of questions

and answering and kind of like interpretation is. I think he certainly did a couple of speeches in Mandarin Chinese, which is incredibly impressive. It's very impressive. Do you remember when we went to do a TV pilot for something or another and the cameraman grew up in China

and he could speak Mandarin Chinese? Fascinating. Obviously a Western guy. He was so out of left field. I've been watching a lot of... I've bashed on about Japanese cinema and stuff, but that China for the flats, and a couple of others, the Third Window guy hooked me up with some films from there,

and I was watching one, and it's really... And it shouldn't be, but it's discombobulating to see like, Westerners speaking, speaking Japanese because they've grown up in Japan or whatever,

like on a marine base or whatever. But one of the biggest comedy guys over in Japan is this like, big fat black guy. Really? But obviously he grew up

in Japan because I think his father was a marine or something growing up on the base. Can you understand any of his jokes? No, God no. No, I know how to order a marine or something, growing up on the base. Can you understand any of his jokes? No, God no. No, I know how to order a beer and stuff like that,

but I don't know any of it. You've been taking lessons for ages. What have you been playing at? I've only taken lessons. I've been reading little books. I thought you had lessons at that place in town. No, I had one man came round my house for like three weeks. For a lesson?

He stayed in your house for three weeks? We're just discombobulating, seeing Westerners. Hang on a minute. So, sorry to interrupt, but you he stayed in your house for three weeks. But just to get Bobby Link, seeing Westerners. Hang on a minute. So, sorry to interrupt, but you're sat in your house in town. Yeah. A man comes around, Japanese guy, and teaches you Japanese. He did not like my jokes. Right.

I had some... Just talk us through the situation. Sat in my living room. He's teaching me Japanese. But I gave him like, you you know 400 quid for four lessons uh and that was it and and then i know i think he we just didn't get on it's actually quite intense having someone in your house yeah i think it sounds like it is yeah for some reason in my mind i know i don't want to make this i'll try not to sound offensive in my mind all i can

picture is karate kid anyway. Anyway, Tom Morant was the man who's presumably sat there on tenterhooks because I said his name already. Morant! I didn't read his email. He's from Southampton.

A pair of rocket heavy duty batteries on hand. The batteries are now wireless keyboard and the office perished today. GP Ultras. I'm surprised we didn't

break them open earlier to have a look to be honest. GP Ultras is one of the more popular brands, isn't it? Yes, and in the remote we broke open, I'll just remind myself, we've got Bexels. Oh, Bexels, yeah, yeah.

Samsung Classic. Yeah. Yeah, so Tom says, Hi, guys. I was recently reminded of a story from my childhood, and I thought I would share it with you. I was around six or seven years of age and went on holiday with my parents to Devon. While there,

we went to an indoor go-karting centre that for some reason had an emu. This was the first time that I had ever seen one of these and was therefore fascinated by this giant bird creature. This feeling of wonder, though, was short-lived. I walked up to the pen where the emu was, raised my hand toward it, and

asked my parents, do they bite? As if on cue, the gangly-necked shithouse chomped down on my outstretched hand. Cue screaming and crying from me and a lot of not very well hidden laughter from my parents. I don't know how the emu felt. Well, sat in a pen in the middle of a go-kart track,

presumably it felt quite unhappy. Yeah, I imagine so. It wouldn't have been in the middle. That would be madness. He said, on that holiday, I also got shot on by a seagull. I'm not sure what I did to piss off the birds that week,

but it must have been something. Thanks, guys. Tom. P.S. I, too, went to Stubbington Study Centre and remember it is the place where me and my friends

completed Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Whoa. Oh, yeah, because there was an arcade version of that. I believe that's where that game started and what a trip that particular game was. It had a digitised sound so it was like

whoo! And he'd like sort of throw his hat at someone. I think he used his hat as a weapon, did he not? And he had a white suit, didn't he?

I remember that myself. It was a smooth criminal and at one point they would start doing this smooth criminal lean. That's something I used to do when I was drunk quite a lot. Grab hold of my mate's belt

and kind of make him do like the smooth criminal kind of like so he'd brace his feet against my feet and I'd grab hold of his belt and kind of make him do like the smooth criminal kind of like, so he'd put, he'd brace his feet against my feet. Yeah. I'd grab all of his belt and, uh, I'd sort of lower him down and up,

up and down like a smooth criminal. You are, I can imagine you doing that. You're a good guy to go out for a few beers with, with a few obvious drawbacks. One is that you don't want to stay in one place for too long. No, that's true.

You always like to travel around. Always a party, better party somewhere else. Yeah. And, uh, which I won't take as a, as't take as a reflection of my company. And secondly, I remember once you drew all over me in Biro.

You weren't even asleep. No, I wasn't, no. That's the best thing about it. What do you think about an emu being at a go-kart centre? I don't like it. I love, well, no, it's dreadful, but I think that they're quite resilient animals, though. What are those big ones?

It's fine. I mean, they're big old birds, what are those big ones I mean big old birds resilient animals no vet has ever said that what's the ones that are a bit like emu same sort of size ostrich

no very similar ostrich, emu there's another one I've got capybara stuck in my head but obviously not it's kind of like that can't remember

anyway we had one at the zoo but yeah they're just not a rhea no uh r-h-e-a yeah i mean like yeah i mean they're all the bloody same there's a

few different kind of yeah genus um but uh these these they're just so unpredictable aren't they like they have that kind of like they have that very steady um kind of like

neck thing like a chicken does but they can really fucking go for you if they if they don't like you it's fantastic i think they might have like almost like raptor like big claws as well they can really fucking go for you if they don't like you. It's fantastic. I think they might have almost raptor-like big claws as well.

Fantastic. If they go for you, you're in trouble. Fantastic. Did you ever see Paul Gascoigne in the EMU? No. Rod Holl in the EMU? He was filming for Football Italia. My mate once got tipped upside down by Rod Hull and attacked

in the crotch by Emu. Was that Mark, was it? No, it was a guy called Craig. And he said, and Rod Hull said, oh, he's got a little worm. He's found a little worm. That's unacceptable. That is unacceptable.

In a post-Utree world, that is unacceptable. He's basically using that Emu's beak to fill people's genitals. Well, you know, that's all I'm saying. It's not me, it's the emu. No, Roy. No. Roy, Rod.

I was thinking Roy. No, no, Rod. That's not an actual bird. That's your hand in there. It's essentially like an ostentatious glove. Yeah. That's all it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like a little naughty touching glove. Speaking of that, do you know that, we may have mentioned this before, but just in case we haven't did you know that

the idea of ostriches burying their head in the sand is a myth yes it comes from a cartoon they never actually do that what are we beginning to think of

I'm just going to stick my head in the sand but I think because of the pre-internet age people just took it as read and no one bothered checking like lemmings like Disney and lemmings

where they chased all those lemmings off the side of the thing and just said that lemmings kill themselves all the time that's not true is it not true not true

what were you going to say about the bird Paul Gascogne was filming for Football Italia and this clip it's so funny it's a clip of

Paul Gascogne doing a piece to camera about the emu and the emu there's two clips actually there's one where he gets attacked by a lion like he's got his hand

what a actual lion well basically he's in front of a lion's cage and he's got his hand round the actual lion well basically he's in front of a lion's cage yeah and he's got his hand round the kind of fence and he's not noticed that the lion

has got closer and closer and closer and starts to jump and he absolutely shits himself but with the emu I think he's feeding it

crisps or something he's feeding it something and the emu comes over and Paul Gascon just like Paul Gascon just grabs hold of the emu's neck and the emu comes over and Paul Gascon just like Paul Gascon just grabs hold

of the emu's neck and the emu's trying to get away and Paul Gascon won't let it go and the face on the bird is incredible

the bird is going what the fuck do you think you're doing and Paul Gascon's just got this emu by the neck is there a fence in between them

no because they can't fly very well so they I don't think they can't fly very well. I don't think they can fly at all. Usually paddocks. They're just paddocks rather than actually fenced off areas.

But, you know, Paul Gascoigne's got this bird by the neck. It's very funny. Because they're almost gyroscopic the way they move, aren't they? They just kind of like inhabit their own space. He was the first choice to present because that's a football atelier, wasn't he, Gascoigne? Was he? That was the idea. And they realised, because he was over there anyway, obviously,

but they realised that's not going to happen. What a mess. It's not going to happen, yeah. Christ, get him to read the autocue. Do an email, Pete. All right, then. I will. Have you got one ready?

I have, yeah. I have a bit of this. Emma Sheffield. This is about yawns and sneezes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Batteries, Panasonic in all three nearby remotes, even the one for the new soundbar. Oh, the remote for the soundbar rather than the soundbar itself.

What do you think about soundbars? Because I quite like the idea of them. I'd like to get into a situation where I can put something on the radio and I can hear it everywhere I am in the house. On the radio. I think that was Scouting for Girls. Sorry. One of my favourite teenage fan club songs, Radio.

I've got a Boaz sound bar, like a little mini sound bar. It's the best thing I've ever bought. It's the best thing I've ever been bought. But what I'm saying is, if I put that on, that thing you just described there, if I put that on in the bedroom and I walk into the kitchen, because my flat is, obviously, it's a flat, but it's quite long yeah if I put something on the bedroom I can't hear anything in the kitchen I want to be able to hear it everywhere well just get one of those get one

of those sound systems that do do it over wi-fi easy peas easy peas carry on um Emma hello Emma um I've spent the last two months listening to your back catalogue after downloading the aircast app and now I can email about a current episode. Thank you, Emma. That's nice. What excruciatingly hard work. Tell all your friends and leave a review on iTunes. Then you will really be our friends.

Following the silent laughter chat, I want to tell you about a lad I work with who does silent sneezes. Are we talking about silent laughter? I can't remember now. Yeah, it might be. Either way. You only know he's doing one from the actions of the sneeze. If you catch him doing it out of the corner of your eye,

it looks like he might be choking to death. It's most off-putting. No, I would prefer that to someone who really ostentatiously sneezes. Yeah, some of them are just like, there's no need for that kind of thing. My dad's quite a loud sneezer, but it's just, there's no need. There's no need. There's a middle ground, I think. How's your dad doing?

I haven't really spoken to him, to be honest. Is it Father's Day soon? It was Mother's Day. Because someone, I thought, unfairly said that the way you flip-flop around with the different beers you like, no wonder your dad doesn't want to go on holiday with you. I thought that was unfair. My dad only drinks, like, boring,

like a Doom Bar or something like that. Something a bit kind of flat. Flat and uninteresting. Also, I remember someone telling me yawns are contagious because you subconsciously think the other person is stealing your oxygen. So your body tries to have a go too. I think this is very likely to be bullshit, but for some reason I always have to say it.

Emma, that's going to stay with me for quite a while. I looked into this because I saw Emma's email come in, and that is sadly untrue. If you steal my oxygen oh god sorry oh that's terrible the latest research apparently suggests that it might be an attempt to regulate brain temperature apparently it's a myth you're trying to get more oxygen when you do it right it's a way of getting a load of hopefully cooler air towards your brain that's according to a study by a psychology professor called steven platek but

so when your brain gets hot, it shuts down and it doors off a little bit. Maybe. I don't know. When I was doing this research, one of the cutest things I found out is that apparently babies yawn inside the womb. That's quite cute, isn't it? I was watching, is it One Born Every Minute?

I've never watched that. It's too stressful. Well, they blur out the foofs. They blur out the ladies' vaginas. And the baby comes've never watched that it's too stressful well they they blur out the foofs they blur out the ladies vaginas and then as soon as and the baby comes out

covered in blood and all that shit and like it's just a weird thing to blur out because like we all know where that's coming from

we all know it's horrific but maybe the women don't want their vaginas on the telly I don't know I don't know about that side of it

but I think there's a lot of stuff that has to be sorted and I guess, censored because of quite outdated Ofcom laws. And the reason I say that

is in a boxing context, you can watch three minutes of boxers, like, punching the shit out of each other's faces, blood everywhere, and there's nothing said or bleeped out or blanked out or anything.

But then if a trainer in the corner in the minute in between the rounds swears, they have to apologise they have to apologise which seems so incongruous when you watch it

you've just seen like three minutes of quite difficult to watch violence sometimes it's the only place as far as I understand it where you can legally kill someone

in a boxing ring the waivers have been signed everyone knows what they're getting into yet if someone says the word shit it's like they have to apologise

who put this shit in the ring it's crazy if you're to apologise who put this shit in the ring it's crazy if you're a parent who's letting your kid watch that then presumably you're okay with swear words

not that I have any problem with boxing I'm a big fan of it as you know but you understand the weird sort of juxtaposition that presents with the baby

because I remember watching on an educational kind of mid-morning kind of TV show like documentary for kids for kids. For kids.

Yeah. They showed a baby being born, and it was fucking horrendous. Fluids, blood and guts. Wow. What were you expecting? Well, I wasn't expecting to see that. A crane to fly in. I was expecting on my day off,

because I wasn't very well at school, not to have to go through that. I was only about 11. Oh, fair enough. If you're younger. What an incredible... But this programme, it's like, there was a moment where this Cypriot couple came in

and one of them was a doctor. So he's just watching the nurse put in a fucking drip and stuff. I bet that's a nightmare for them. Oh, can you imagine? Can you imagine? It's like a chef going to a restaurant, basically. Yeah, definitely. And yeah, I mean, oh, and this baby had um i think it moved too quickly

uh out of the out of the vagina and uh it was just um it was uh i think it's um heart rate started racing so they're a bit worried about him and oh god i just i was i was with somebody i was pretending i wasn't getting a bit teary but i was like yeah teary i'll get teary all the time watching tv um maybe there's a really good book called This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay who I think might be a comedy writer now

but he used to be a doctor he used to be an obstetrician yes and he talks it's basically his diaries from working in NHS maternity is he really?

I didn't know he was on Twitter yeah I think so so he worked in an NHS maternity ward for years and I breezed through that book I absolutely loved it it's well worth a read on that subject

this is an anonymous email next Pete anonymous which is quite a difficult sentence to say wow and he says I presume it's a he

he says firstly please ensure that I remain anonymous along with said brand coming up but there are two bits here I've got relating

to your undercover story of a week or two ago the activity the public toilet pervert do you remember him yes the uh bread bread guy yeah um was partaking in is apparently called breading uh one of my best mates told me a story relating to this which was similar to last week's one so i do think sort of like deviant behavior uh can uh like you're into something um somebody hears about it and then that's suddenly a subculture.

When, you know, how many people are realistically doing that? It could just be an apocryphal tale that's been repeated over and over again. Well, yeah, exactly. And also, I remember a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend started, remember when Bluetooth

started appearing on mobile phones? Yes. He wrote a piece on a blog, and I think he submitted it to one of the big newspapers about something called Toothing. And it was just basically, it had everything, basically. You know you could send business cards or kind of contact addresses

to people you didn't know on a tube, via Bluetooth. If they've got their thing open, yeah. If they've got their Bluetooth open sort of thing back in the day. And basically he sort of set it up as in, oh yeah, it's this new kind of sex, kind of sex course called Toothing. And basically you're on a packed tube train and you send someone like an anonymous message saying, anybody up for some Toothing? This is like what Chris Morris did.

Yeah, and so like he wrote this piece that he was, and because it had like a male feel male kind of like relationship sort of thing, that no one's ever interested about it if it's a gay thing, but if it's a heterosexual men and women sort of hooking up

kind of story, it becomes a phenomenon and people write about it. So anyway, you manage to get this fucking nonsense story in the sun or the mirror

or one of the shitty tabloids basically saying this new craze where, yeah, I was on a public transport, I was in a train or a bus and I sort of Bluetoothed,

I toothed someone and we got off and we went to a public toilet and started fucking and all that stuff. And it's this pathetic kind of like... I love your sexy myth voice. It's sort of, yeah.

It's a good voice. And we were like sort of chatting via toothing and we went off and we just could. We tore each other's claws off in a cubicle and started going at it. Should we do some toothing after the show and it's just this absolute

bullshit uh but because it's uh kind of like male female kind of like hooking up kind of story uh it gets uh it gets column inches it's not as pervy as breading no which we may see in the newspapers it's not wiping bread on a fucking toilet seat and eating the bread. No. Very carb-heavy subculture, that. Yeah. The second part of this email is perhaps... And gay men usually look after themselves. They do. Secondly, the second part of this email

is a little bit more interesting, I would say. Actually, that's assuming that he is gay. I mean, he's in a male toilet. He might have popped into a women's toilet and done it there, too. Stop getting yourself, tying yourself in knots talking about people who are gay and people who aren't no one cares um he says my dad again i assume it's a he my dad is a police officer and years ago him and his team were investigating a

counterfeit clothing operation for a semi-reputable brand which he doesn't name well he does name but i'm not going to tell you we're having knockoff clothes being sold right upon busting the stock of moody gear my dad brought along a representative from said brand to ascertain whether this was stolen gear or just plain old thieving um sorry or just plain old sort of you know um you know counterfeit gear whatever yeah upon examining said stock the representative confirmed it wasn't their gear because it was in fact much better than our stuff there you go that. That's from Anonymous. That's classic Anonymous. That is classic kind of mum

kind of apocryphal tales. The amount of times my mum goes, yeah, they're all made in the same factory. They're all made in the same factory. It's just as good. Just as good, isn't it? I have a real problem every year where I try and bring some nice mince pies home

from... Has your mum convinced her all the same? Oh, yeah. So I think we probably had this on the podcast before Christmas, but I will occasionally bring home some Fortnum & Mason's nice mince pies or a pudding or something.

Well, you know, they make nice stuff. Do your family resent you for it? My mum does until she eats it. She's like... She's still... Gritted, mincey teeth. She's like... She's still cooking the roast potatoes the day before.

Well, she's obsessed with the fact is she still um cooking the roast potatoes the day before well she uh but she's obsessed with the fact that yeah well in the newspaper uh says that uh iceland are uh a much better remnant spies they got voted the best in the

newspaper because they pay the pr person more than everyone else because they advertise mason's are never going to advertise in the fucking daily mail in uh in uh yeah so yeah

iceland i've have budgets for crying out loud my favorite are the um sainsbury's in the store baked ones and i also like the wait email in yeah so yeah Iceland have budgets for crying out loud. My favourite are the Sainsbury's in the store baked ones and I also like the Waitrose Heston

Blumenthal ones. What the mince pies? We talk mince pies here? Yeah. I don't eat a lot of them anymore.

I used to have a cup of tea and we talked about Jaffa cakes on another podcast but like we a cup of tea smashing back I could smash back

five mince pies. It makes you feel dreadful. You and I have got to have this Jaffa cake eating competition at some point and I'm the Smashing back, I could smash back five mince pies. It makes you feel dreadful afterwards. So buttery. You and I have got to have this Jaffa Cake eating competition at some point. I know. And I'm the favourite because I'm fatter than you, and also because you have ailments and I don't.

Ailments? How is that going to stop me? We can't do five. I'm not eating a packet of mince pies. That's not happening. Heavy. Can't even buy them this time of year. Very buttery. Right, it's probably time for us to chuck off.

To get off, yeah. I'll have to once again promise you a men car for Thursday. We've got a toothing appointment to... And not at the dentist. No, exactly. We've got some fucking to do. Pete! What?

For fuck's sake. You just said it. Carry on. Carry on. I have to mark when you say this stuff. No, hello at lukenpeachow.com. Okay, hello at lukenbreadshow.com okay hello at

lukenbreadshow.com did we mention the name of this episode at the start I can't remember the name of this episode the number sorry oh no I don't know

47 isn't it 47 I think so yeah lucky 47 Ronin 47 if you want to get to the show do so

and yeah we'll see you next week so thanks very much for listening as ever thanks everyone you're lovely see you next week. Thanks very much for listening, as ever. Thanks, everyone. You're lovely.

See you next week. Outro Music