The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 51: Botflies, Bryan Cranston and Gran Turismo 5

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Welcome back, LAPSers! It's great to have you back with us, and Happy Monday! This time around, Pete starts you all off with an outrageous admission and then tells us about his recent experiences with Bryan Cranston, star of Breaking Bad. Exciting!There's a quite frankly pathetic story of a night terror involving a video game, although perhaps not one you'd expect and we also revisit the case of the secret vomiter of a few episodes ago. Next up it's tips for saving money at university, before we round everything off with a truly horrendous tale involving insects and human skin.To tell us all your darkest secrets, or maybe just what your favourite video game is, it's: [e-mail]. We're @lukeandpeteshow on social media too!*Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!* Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Luke and Pete Shaw episode 51 baby I do like the very um terse clicks on our theme Luke the clicks are so crisp yeah they make me go I want an apple so crisp. Yeah. They make me go, I want an apple. So crisp. That is Pete Donaldson. I'm Luke Moore. This is episode 51, as Pete rightly says. Come in. Turn off the world for half an hour. Yeah.

Settle in. Enjoy yourself. Get into your favourite armchair. If you can't do that, turn off your headphones on your commute, close your eyes, and let us take you away from that horrible man sitting next to you with the sweaty armpits who is playing out things on his phone without headphones. There was a guy on the bus who did that to me earlier.

Earlier on? Yeah. Not the worst thing that you've ever experienced on the bus, presumably? No. I once inadvertently smoked crack. Early start. What do you mean? I'm going to deal with this.

What do you mean? Literally a minute in. I've probably told this story on the podcast before 5am probably a little bit earlier than that on the way home

from work so I wasn't even drunk hang on a minute just because you're on the way home from work doesn't mean you weren't drunk it's that kind of

tipping point where it's like actually probably around about 5 o'clock in the morning where all of the people all the bulk of the people

who have been out on a night out, they've gone home. Well, they're certainly on their way home. But the wrong ones are still out. But the wrong ones are still out. And I was on a deserted bus, I think it was the number 29 up to Camden. And there was this man who was smoking

at the back of the bus and I was behind him. And what I thought immediately, he thought he was smoking like a cigarette I was like that's a bit much isn't it I mean smoking ban's been in

for about five years now right I was like it's very metallic and it was I felt very sort of you know

woke felt very a bit busily he wasn't smoking out of a cigarette he was smoking out of a little pipe and I was like

that's a crack pipe isn't it and I've just on the bus passive crack smoking I didn't sleep for a couple of hours I don't know whether that had anything to do with it is that possible

you had trouble you have trouble sleeping anyway to be fair when I first moved to London it was London was quite a scary place the prospect of moving here and then living here

was quite scary yeah and even like things which seem ridiculous now but even like leaving the house in the first week of living in london trying to find the tube station was like well this is big and scary and loud and i remember i was with a friend of mine and we walked i lived in stockwell at the time which is obviously in south london and it was about 15 to 20 minute walk from brixton we knew what we'd heard all about brixton quite edgy and cool and and obviously

it's fine and I ended up doing some work there for a while but at the time it was like oh let's go to Brixton and we walked to Brixton and obviously

it was terrifying to us because we were new went for a quick pint and then thought oh we'll just grab a burger from McDonald's on the way home so ordered a burger

at McDonald's waiting for it to be made Is this on the main high street? Yeah the main one on the big corner, yeah. Because I've like been, because I used to go to the girl who lived over the road and there was a shooting or a stabbing every single night. Well, yeah, absolutely right. So at the time, I obviously didn't know this was probably the UK's most dangerous McDonald's.

I think it possibly was. It was pretty notorious. No, it is. It's got that on the sign. And I went upstairs i had to go to the toilet i said to my mate if a bird comes just grab it for me went into the toilet and um i tried to push my way in it wasn't a lot but there was someone stopping the tank stopping the door so i was just being naive just pushed it and pushed it and the guy was like mate you fuck off

i looked here and they were genuinely people were doing all sorts of hard drugs in there all sorts of stuff yeah could have been smoking crack, could have been shooting out, could have been anything. Excuse me, gentlemen, I need a waz. But because I was so naive when I was like early 20s, I think I probably went down to my mate and was like,

we've got to go, we've got to go. So there we go. Drug paraphernalia on the floor. Yeah. The first time I went to London from Leicester to go to a punk rock concert,

similar things, guys smoking crack inside a Subway. Inside a Subway in the window. I don't think the smoking ban had come in yet. But you mean a sandwich shop Subway, not an actual Subway.

Yeah, no. Yeah, that was the most shocking thing. I was like, that's bald, isn't it? Really is. Out of the foil packet. I was like, wow. Anyway, that is a...

And that's how I got into crack. Imagine me on crack. That's how you keep your figure that is an early sort of detour into hard drugs that I wasn't expecting Pete

it's not on the list it's not on the running order we haven't got any sponsors to upset that's how it goes that's how it goes well listen I think we can say

that crack exists yeah exactly it's not even if we had sponsors and we value them all and welcome you're more welcome than the listeners I was talking about earlier, to be honest. And there's nobody selling crack or crack pipes,

so it's not like we're going to upset any particular brand of crack or crack pipes. Stop saying it. What? Crack pipes. Yeah. What's wrong with that? I've got my hash pipe. Oh, we're allowed to sing about hash pipes.

Good tune. But because, you know, crack's a little bit more underclass, we're allowed to talk about it. Grow up, Moa. Something for everyone, Weezer are allowed to sing about hash pipes. Good tune. But because, you know, crack's a little bit more underclass, we're not allowed to talk about it. Grow up, Moa. Something for everyone, Weezer. I genuinely enjoy listening to them, especially their early stuff. Well, I mean, only their early stuff.

Yeah. Better early. Shut up, Moa. I remember listening to a WTF podcast, Mark Maron, interviewing Rivers Cuomo. He's a weird fruit, isn't he? He's a strange man. Didn interviewing Rivers Cuomo he's a weird fruit isn't he he's a strange man didn't Rivers Cuomo

say because people were complaining about their later output and Rivers Cuomo said is it Cuomo did you pronounce it

Cuomo Cuomo Cuomo maybe he came out and said if you raise 10 million dollars as a crowd fund we'll split up

and people started trying to do it obviously it didn't happen they did they do a lot of those weezer not ferries what they're called cruisers it didn't happen. They do a lot of those Weezer,

not ferries, what they're called, cruisers. Yeah, they do, yeah. That's popular with a lot of bands now. Imagine being stuck on a bloody... I know. I'm fairly certain... Imagine being Weezer and being stuck on a boat with everyone who wants to bomb you.

And you've got to... Presumably, you've just got to listen to Weezer the whole time. Yeah, and there's Legionnaires disease everywhere. That's what happens. That's not true. I'm fairly certain NFL superstar and league's best tight end, Rob Gronkowski, for the New England Patriots,

I'm fairly certain he does like a, he's like the ultimate bro. He's a legendary Hellraiser. Yeah, you know like in the UK, we'd call them hashtag lads. In America, they call them bros. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like the ultimate bro.

I'm pretty sure he might do like a Gronk cruise, because he's named the Gronk. Yeah, I think he got in a lot of trouble for it at one point, but I won't go into that. Anyway, last week, I'll give you a quick, a little bit of a quick roundup for those who haven't listened to last week's show, or indeed can't remember, equally unacceptable, but we'll accommodate you anyway.

We didn't celebrate our 50 this show. We did. Because we do it for the honour, not the glory, Pete. We mentioned it. What does 50 even mean? But if someone says to you, did you celebrate your birthday? And you go, well, I mentioned it. That's not a celebration, is it?

No, but we did go two a week. So we hastened the 50th. That is true. About 10 episodes ago. So you're saying it's not as valuable. Exactly, yeah. Because we're doing more of them. We're basically saying we're the queen.

We're allowed two birthdays. When everybody else, all the normal we do have more of them. We're basically saying we're the queen, we're allowed two birthdays, when everybody else, all the normal humans only have one. You're definitely a normal human, though, aren't you? I'm definitely a normal human, yeah. I've got all five limbs, all seven brains. Yeah, they're all in there. You can dig them out. We talked a lot about planes again, didn't we, Pete?

Including MH370. We got a tweet actually this morning from a man like Berm who says, thought I'd listen to Luke and Pete's show where I'll wait for my flight to take off.

Three minutes in and MH370 gets a mention. Cheers, gents. Well, you were obsessed about it. Did our pilot get back in touch to get me on

the Friends and Family? No, he's probably got stuff on. He might have been in the air for a whole week. He's probably flying around the world like that man who... Oh, and that piece we mentioned about... The Long Way Round.

The Long Way Round. The actual artist, the writer of that particular piece, he got in touch because he listens. John Bull. Yeah, we've talked about John Bull before, haven't we? He said, I wrote Long Way Round, blimey that moment you're listening to Luke and Pete's show and discover you're this week's Mankata.

I've actually got about five things I keep meaning to send in for Mankata. Guess I better get off my ass and do it. Yes, you should, John. Yeah, we talked about planes. We talked about a very precious cargo in the cockpit of a certain plane, which was interesting. Obviously, Noel Edmonds and Mr. Blobby got another mensch. Always. It's a bit annoying to me how often he gets mentioned because i genuinely dislike him so uh no edmunds not mr blobby and um uh nobody can dislike mr blobby we talked about

ivf as well yeah yeah very specific kind of ivf and it also it also came to me pete that um and this is my fault and this is a sort of a mea culpa on the show, I suppose, for everyone listening and for you particularly. We talked a bit about whether to call this show the Luke and Pete show or the Pete and Luke show. Right. And we set it on Luke and Pete because it was alphabetical. Yeah, I mean, we could have called it pals. Exactly.

It came to me this week. If we called it Pete and Luke, it would have been pals. How long have we been doing this a year now? I know, I know. Pals. Yeah. It would have been better, wouldn't it? It only just came to you.

Unbelievable scenes. Well, if we called it show of Pete and Luke, I know, I know. It would have been better, wouldn't it? It only just came to you. Unbelievable scenes. Or if we called it Show of Pete and Luke, it would have been Spal. Or Show Luke and Pete, Slap. You're reading these off your laptop. Yeah, got it in front of me. Disgusting.

Oh, and before we move on to the emails, give me an it's been. It's been. That was a very good one. I don't know what happened, but I gave it, I did my microphone echo a little bit. I don't know. It sounded great.

Well, they're back, aren't they? They are back. They won an award. It's some kind of thing presented by Michael Bublé. This type of music is much more in your wheelhouse than mine. So what is the award and what's the latest with the Barenaked Ladies? Well, I'll ignore that diss about my kind of music. Why is that a diss?

The Barenaked Ladies and Michael Bublé. Bublé? I don't mind a bit of Bublé. Bublé. He seems like quite a nice chap. Have you got any news on the Barenaked Ladies or not? They are back together and they are playing. I thought they've always been together.

They're very hard workers. American bands are generally grafters. They're not bitter. They just go hey it's showbiz baby let's just get on with it look at what the Ramones went through

they went through all sorts there's none left now isn't there I think I think the drummer is left I think are you sure

I'm sure the last one went well certainly the iconic cover that album cover that every time one died someone would remove another one and I think they all went

or maybe the ones that were on the cover I think Tommy Ramone has died actually, yeah you're right that documentary film at the risk of a bit of a digression that documentary film about the Ramones End of a Century is absolutely brilliant, I would recommend it whether you're a fan of the band or not, I would recommend you watch it

but my it's been was going to be just a little prompt for you, Pete, because I know for a fact that you interviewed Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston last week. Did we not talk about this last week? Oh, we didn't. No, you were going to do it, but we hadn't talked about it. So tell us about him.

Nice chap. He, I had an email, well, I had a text from my dad. Oh, good. Don't spoil a Breaking Bad, though, for people, though. No. When you talk about it. I mean, if you like Breaking Bad, you should have watched it by now.

But I'm not going to spoil a Breaking Bad. Well, how do you know you like it if you haven't watched it? He's secretly a manufacturer of drugs. This is a text from my dad that I actually read Brian Cranston. He was very good and responded and you know responded with some information I thought he's a great egg he is lovely chap

Peter your mam says you're interviewing Bryan Cranston on Friday can you ask him why the National didn't live stream the player Network I tried to get an answer

out of the National but they couldn't be asked to answer my email and I just read that out what did he say he said well basically you

there's a situation where I think they want to make another film, they want to make a remake of Network, so we didn't have the rights to it, so we would have been

able to stream it, but we didn't. It's supposed to be amazing. I am the one who knocks. Yeah. Is that what he says? Yeah, he does,

yeah. Is that his thing? Yeah, he does, yeah. So, the Network would have played at the National

Theatre, wasn't it? Which is apparently about a newsreader or broadcaster who does a meltdown or something. It's one of those films that I really should have watched. Is it a film as well?

It's a play, right? No, I think it started as a film. It was a kind of, well, we're not going to take it. Because a friend of mine who spoke to him about when he was actually touring, well, he was doing the press for that play. Because you interviewed him about a film he was doing, didn't you?

Isle of Dogs. five out of five. That's right. Five out of five dogs. Yeah, you said that, I think. I think you might have already said that. But he said about Bryan Cranston, he said that that play is absolutely brilliant. It's so well done.

Yeah, well, they've updated it into modern technology, but it doesn't lose any of its impact. And certainly a time where Fox News is just loopy as fuck. Yeah, they've lost the plot. I was saying to my American friends that Fox doesn't I mean, Fox has fallen foul

of Ofcom here. It's so poor. It's not able to be considered to be a news show channel here because it doesn't meet the minimum standards of Ofcom and no other American network has fallen foul of that. So when people say, oh, they're all as bad as each other, just different ways.

No, Fox is the worst. And it's the worst by a long way. But look at the way that local news is being flipped into Republican outlets all the time. The Fox affiliates and even the non-Fox affiliates. And bearing in mind that people and communities for such a big country, people rely on local news, and all of the local news have been flipped. All the local news are being flipped into Republican organizations

and quite overtly Republican organizations as well. And the governing body has just been taken over by, Trump appointed a hardcore, mad Republican bloke. And so now all of the local affiliates are even getting, getting even more Fox News-y, even getting more Republican, even more right wing. And people's news will suffer, local news will suffer. Yeah, and that is really important locally, absolutely.

As you rightly say, in a country so big where we can't obviously rely on net neutrality anymore either. Yeah, they're getting diktats from above, sort of basically saying, right, the anchors have to read this out effectively and use words like fake news and use the language of Donald Trump and use the, it's, I don't know.

Yeah. And as we've, as we've been proved, the older generation can't be trusted to pick out a fucking news story that's true or not true. But also, Pete, and without getting too heavy into this, because we'll do emails in a minute, and I think we've got something about vomit. Yay!

But just very, very briefly, Sky News isn't too bad. No, it's not too bad. But one thing that sort of is worrying, I suppose, is this idea that we, in this country, with things as well like Facebook and Google's massive storing of data and using that data to essentially manipulate people, we really through the back door we're sleepwalking into like authoritarianism and it just blows my mind to pieces and I'm as guilty as this as the next

person but it blows my mind to bits that I will think twice and most people will think twice about ticking a box saying I agree to share my information or I don't when I go into a shop and they ask me for my email address I'm'm a bit like, why do you want that? And it's because they want to market to me. Yeah, I let Facebook and Google do whatever they want. And it's almost that creeping through the back door, subliminal type stuff, which is really, really worrying. Yeah, but I mean, I think it's for anybody who values their,

and I've never really understood why people who value their data, who value their lives, who value their privacy, are even involved in Facebook. Like, you know, what am I really sharing on Facebook? Pictures of, you know, pictures of me doing shit, which I'm happy to share anyway, because for better or worse, through my radio work, through this, I have a certain aspect of public figure, you know?

Like, you know, I have a public... But what about location and about other things you're browsing while Facebook is open? All that kind of stuff you wouldn't necessarily share, that's been harvested as well. Yeah, to a certain extent,

but I don't care. If you don't want to be involved, don't be on it. That's the lesson. If you don't want your emails, if you don't want

it to be marketed to, use a fake email address. Unsubscribe from mailing lists. What's the one you use on train Wi-Fi? What, sorry? What's the email address, the fake email address, unsubscribe from mailing lists. What's the one you use on train wifi? What's the email address, the fake email address you use on train wifi?

Oh, farts at farts.com. There you go. A tip. So Pete, I think it's usually pete at farts.com or farts at farts.com. Whoever owns that particular URL

and whoever owns that email address, they're getting bombarded with my marketing. They know more about me than I know about me. They know more about the East Coast mainline. Yeah, farts.farts.com. Anyway, on that note, on farts.farts.com,

which isn't the email address to get in touch with us, hello at lukeandpeatshow.com is, shall we have some emails, but shall we have a jingle first? Jing jings! Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers yo yo yo we're back yo can i can i bagsy the um the vomit one i think you should go first with

an email but i really want the vomit one bag up that vomit mate bag up that vomit um all right then i'll start um so not james forward that's your one. Yeah. Okay, I like that because he's not backwards and coming forwards. Exactly. Hello to Luke and Pete. This is from Dan. This story involves my brother's night terror over a PS3 game, a PlayStation 3 game, and me never getting my turn to play. It was 2008, and for being good at school,

my mum brought my brother and me Gran Turismo 5. Good game. Classic. I've never really played any racing games before. No, I don't. Is that a better one of the genre? It's a good game and it's a classic. All Gran Turismo ones are. My brother played it for an hour after dinner

until it was time for bed. It wasn't until the early hours of the morning my mum would realise what a mistake her purchase was. My brother woke up in the middle of the night crying in cold sweats, claiming that a car was chasing him down the road. My mum calmed him down, let him sleep in her bed, and promptly returned to Asda next day, demanding a refund.

Her argument was that my brother was nine at the time, and because the game had such a psychological effect on him, even though it was a Peggy 3 game, that she had been missold. She got the refund, leaving me gameless, and to this day, I have never played Gran Turismo since. I love that because it's such an inert kind of game

about cars how embarrassed would you be if your mum took you back in there and said this is giving my son nightmares what Gran Turismo 5

a car have you tried Resident Evil a car driving around a track and stuff fantastic that's amazing I'm scared of a car

wow I'm a uni student and would love to know any money saving techniques you or the audience acquired during your student days that's not a bad little thing that's also from Dan is it I've heard of a car. Wow. I'm a uni student and would love to know any money-serving techniques you or the audience acquired during your student days. That's not a bad little question. That's also from Dan, is it? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good one. Genuinely trite, I know, but get a job. I had about six jobs when I was at uni and it really helped me. Also, don't eat baked beans with pasta because it sounds like it's going to work, but it doesn't. Ha, okay. That stayed with me, I'm telling you. You need cheese with that, don't you?

I have recently started buying, God, I am regressing at my student days. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight, so I'm kind of looking at the calories and stuff because it's just very easy to eat a ridiculous amount of calories. I'm doing the same at the moment. You are like a student. If you don't mind me saying this, and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, you are like a student with If you don't mind me saying this, and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, you are like a student with money. What do you mean?

You live a pretty easy life. I get my lawn in. What do you mean? I do a lot of work. No, but I'm saying you don't really have that many responsibilities outside of work. You've got two cats. That is the difference.

You've got a mortgage and two cats. I've got rent and no cats. That's the only difference, all right? And a need for consumer electronica. Yeah, true, yeah. Are you still coming to terms with the sad decline of Maplin? I did pop in, to be honest. Did you?

I popped in and walked around, and it was like the last days of Rome. Nothing's really reduced that much. They've got little 10% here. Well, that's what I mean. Two words, resale value. The thing with electronics, you can sell them to other organisations who can sell them on. It's only the Maplin branded HDMI cables

that you're going to get a knockdown price for. But even then, still a HDMI cable, isn't it? They're going to be around for a little while. You aren't getting much off a drone. Maybe a shit-broken digital picture frame, you might get 40 quid off that. But no one's... You walk around going,

you're your own worst enemies, guys. Come on, grow up. Dan, you're not going you're your own worst enemies guys come on yeah grow up dan you're not going to get any money saving tips in maplings mate no uh chicken uh chicken noodles uh chicken flowing noodles from tesco they are i think they're like 20 pence and i bought like loads of them and they're only 220 calories i guess at your age mate you're a student so you probably want to uh you probably want to pile in the calories, but yeah. That's a good tip. And I actually went, I never do this.

I've never done this in my life. I was like, I could not believe how few calories are in these chicken noodles. I was like, that's weird. Have you been reading it wrong? Is it like 200 per 100 grams or something? No. I was like going, is this 230? This seems like a very few amount,

because those noodles usually hit around about the 400 mark. And I'm not a calorie counter usually, but my fighting weight's around about 10 and a half stone. And I have been in the last few months, 11 and a half. So I could do with losing a bit. And these noodles are like 230. So I was like, but on the website, I was like, I'd sort of double check. I thought maybe it's a misprint.

The website said it's double that. I was like, oh, I bloody knew this. How do I get away with marking stuff up like that? I DM'd the Tesco people. You have a breakdown. You are not over the Maplins shutting. You're having a breakdown. I never do this.

You're DMing Tesco about the calorie count of their fucking noodles. I just said, look, which one's right? Because they seem like a nice, cheap, good product, full of chemicals, but the calories are quite low. Full of delicious chemicals. And they were quite pleasant to eat. And so I DMed Tesco the picture of the packet. And they got back to me within a day,

basically saying, no, the website's wrong. Right. They would say that, wouldn't they? They would say that. Public service. What's the easiest thing to change? A run of plastic wrap? Yeah, or the website page. Yeah, the website's wrong. I think this is a conspiracy easiest thing to change? A run of plastic wrap or the website page?

Yeah, the website's wrong. I think this is a conspiracy that goes to the very top, Pete, and I'd welcome updates on it. I was just going to say, I don't, we

haven't really talked about our uni days much, have we? Because it's a bit sort of basic, I suppose, for us. Well, it's kind of like, it's like hearing

about someone else's dream. You know, you went to Daz's store and let them corn. I should, I'm not going to tell a story like that but I should

really introduce you if you haven't met him before and the listeners to my legendary legendarily funny mate Richie at uni

do you remember him no Marcus knows him I only know Richie the fruitarian no that's Jimmy Jimmy the fruitarian

Richie is funny right he used to be a middleweight boxer so he's a bit older so when we went to uni I think he was about 23 well that's Jimmy. Jimmy the Frutarian. Richie is funny, right? He used to be a middleweight boxer. So he's a bit older. So when we went to uni, I think he was about 23. Well, so with mature students, I remember there was a mature student in my halls and he was 22.

And I remember thinking at the time, going, oh, you're so old. You're so old with your leather jacket. And he had the shakes for some reason. But that's why you don't go out doing what you do in indie clubs at 36. I'm with my friends. I don't go by myself.

Oh, yeah, and what are all the young people thinking? Anyway, Richie is an absolutely chaotic man, especially when drunk. And just a very, very quick tale about him, which is funny. I came downstairs in our shared uni house once. There was a lot in the kitchen. It was very late at night,

and I hadn't been out. And Richie was in the kitchen and there's a little dining table in there. Richie? Yeah, he was Richie in the kitchen. And I walked in there and he's eating. He's obviously got home pissed and made himself a meal.

And I looked at it and I was like, what is he eating? And it was like crunching through something white. And I was about half asleep. I got a bit closer richard what you doing he said i was having some food i've been out all right anyway cut a long story short what transpires is that he had taken some frozen fish out of the freezer put it in the oven right but not turn the oven on half hour later he's come back when his alarm's gone off for it and he's put it on the plate just started eating it and he's so drunk he's crunching through frozen

the fish and i promise you he ate the whole thing that's fair dues i mean that's doable it's sushi the whole thing yeah not bird's eye no captain bird's eye for sushi he doesn't do sushi mate he does breaded fish frozen horrendous i'm surprised he's still around well i used to i told you i used to, when I was a baby, I used to eat, I used to go to the freezer and eat sausages,

frozen sausages. Now that's going to kill you. You have not told me that and I demand that you tell me now. I was about five or six. Where are your parents? Not near the fridge, clearly. And I liked,

I think I'd been given a couple of sausages and I just found where the sausages were kept and I just did eat them. I used to do it a lot, actually. How many frozen sausages do you estimate you've eaten? Enough to give me brain damage

that I am currently displaying. The more I learn about you, the more everything starts to slot into place. Yeah, don't blame my diet now for why my stomach is funny. It's because I used to eat frozen sausages. Text me a favour. I remember it being quite hard to,

because it's a frozen sausage, really using the incisors. That's horrendous. Crunch away a greasy sausage. Text Stuart for next week and we can find out what he says. Right, it's my turn to do an email, isn't it? Yes. We have got one here from James Forward,

as previously promoted. JF. This is good because about four or five episodes ago, we have got one here from James Forward as previously promoted JF this is good because about 4 or 5 episodes ago maybe longer there was talk of a man who secretly vomited on a carpet but I'll let James pick up the story

this is good this one he says Dear Luke and Pete following on from the anonymous email of last week who vomited on the carpet and left it for 4 days who was so keen to be kept anonymous that Luke

really wanted to out him. There was no need. Hearing that he worked for a church had just got engaged and was capable of such disgusting disregard for a carpet I know exactly who it was straight away. Naturally I filed off a WhatsApp to our group chat including both the carpet criminal and his best man and needless to say

his anonymity will not be protected on his wedding day. The moral of the story is, if you want to remain anonymous, don't email a podcast about it. Also, don't leave Sick on the carpet. All the best, James Ford. Now, we're still not going to name him, but I quite like the idea of him listening to this and realising,

and I think he might be squirming a bit, thinking about his upcoming nuptials. Yeah, I mean, what is the ph level of sick yeah hey hey hey that was that's his initials that's what we're doing though pete because that's out of order yeah that is out of order to pete to you i mean pete we got on them yeah good uh would you like to hear a story about central america i would and i think this is the email that i'm going to say now if you're eating or of a squeamish disposition you may want there we go i thought you may be interested to hear about an unusual experience i had when i was 17 it's not technically

a school trip gone wrong but it was with a school group so maybe it counts uh this is the sort of story that uh i do um presenting uh every now and again on a digital channel called dmax so i'm familiar with this particular situation it doesn't make it any easier to read though no but the way this email is written is also very funny it's nice and i think also the real thing that hit home for me about what you're about to hear is that i sort of half thought this was the sort of thing they told people to keep them in line. I didn't know it actually happened. Yeah, they're pretty prolific, these little animals. I'm never going there.

I spent a month in Central America at the end of my final school year in 2006, but it was upon my return that this story unfolded. Prior to leaving, we'd been told about bot flies that were native to this part of the world and being dismissive and invincible teenagers largely brushed them off as it wouldn't happen to us. So you can probably guess where this is going.

For information, the botfly is a large fly that captures mosquitoes and harnesses its eggs onto said mosquitoes. These mosquitoes then unwittingly carry the eggs until they land on a warm-blooded mammal whose body heat causes the larva to drop from the mosquito and burrow into its new home. Secure with this knowledge,

we made sure to deet every inch of ourselves to avoid becoming botfly houses, deet being a very popular brand of mosquito repellent. I used deet in Fiji when I was there. Nice smell. It's nice, very acrid. It's oily and... You probably ate it as a child. However, I came back to Scotland with three painful insect bites on the top of my head,

which lingered longer than they should have done. I hadn't thought to put insect repellent on my scalp and the mosquitoes were blatantly mocking and punishing me for this. These bites also withstood the course of antibiotics I'd been prescribed for my infected bites. It was after this that the most innocuous bedtime became horrifyingly etched in my memory forever. Having gone to bed one night, I could hear an odd, simultaneously distant but eerily close scratching sound that I could hear an odd, simultaneously distant, but eerily close scratching sound that I could not place. It only took a few moments to realise that the scratching was in fact coming from inside my own head

and that these infected bites were not in fact infected bites, but were botfly larvae pupating and squirming in my noggin. I'll never sleep again. Three of the little bastards, in fact. Upon this realisation, I quickly asked my dear old mum to look at these bites with a torch, and she confirmed, yep, there's something moving in there. What a chilling sentence for your mother to say.

His mum sounds like she's absolutely ideal in the crisis. I know, right? Yeah. I'll be like, I'm going to leave the house now. Yeah, there's something moving in there. Okay, carry on. Carry on. I'm just going to grab some petrol, and I'm going to burn you and the house now. Yeah, there's something moving there. Okay, carry on. Carry on. I'm just going to grab some petrol,

and I'm going to burn you and the house down. There's something moving in there. Turn the torch off. Walked out. See you later. I didn't know how to react to this news, but apparently my stomach did by promptly expelling its contents. Following some frantic Googling,

Never Google. Never Google. And the general amazement horror of my local GP and nurse the following day. Who were probably Googling as well. How much sleep did you get? We realised that these botflies had to be suffocated out of their cosy skull births as trying to dig them out wouldn't work. That's the first thing I want to do, Vaseline, just smash a load of Vaseline on it.

They've got hooks that dig into human skin to prevent this and pulling them could rip them and leave half of a now dead botfly larva in my head this resulted in the ridiculous image of me with three bald spots on my head packed high with mounds of vaseline to encourage these botflies to die a lubricated death rather than live on my dorm piece one for the drinking game vaseline mounds got higher and higher when we realized the botflies could snake their breathing tubes out a good inch without leaving my head so then i spent the night with at least two inches of vaseline on my head covered in a swimming cap safe to say i didn't sleep very well but it worked the subcutaneous shit bags were gone each one lying docile in vaseline the next

morning further investigation yeah thanks for that mark mark thank you that uh you had a breakdown luke just show me a disgusting picture of a more intense botfly infestation let's i'll tell you what if dave clements blooming um not enough vaseline in the world for that one yeah he'd be dead wow uh further investigation made me realize that the stinging sensation i'd felt for the past few weeks wasn't just an infection but the botflies keeping their respective areas clean by releasing their own bacteria periodically. On the plus side, this bacteria prevented any infection of what were eventually,

or essentially rather, open wounds. Despite living under my skin, each one of those larvae were about double the size of a baked bean, and I have attached a picture for your viewing pleasure. This was not one of mine, but looked exactly like all three. Horrific. Looking back now, I'm glad I have an unusual story to tell,

but I wouldn't opt for a repeat experience. I'm not sure how this fits into your show, if at all, but I thought you may be interested. Nonetheless, keep up the good work. Dave Clements, butterfly free since 2006.

Yeah, I feel like he would have gone for a decent amount of trauma even writing that email to us. Pretty rancid. Reliving it. I mean, you know, you've gone through a lot there,

haven't you? But yeah, I'd always go for the Vaseline first. Pretty rancid. Reliving it. I mean, you know, you've gone through a lot there, haven't you? But yeah, I always go for the Vaseline first. You reckon? Yeah. That's what you do with every infestation. Skin infestation. They need to breathe.

They need to breathe, mate. Yeah, it's a fair point. They need to breathe. It's horrendous, that, isn't it? That is really, really bad. And that is the sort of stuff we want to hear about on here because we love hearing about

that sort of off-the-beaten-track type stuff. Off-the-beaten-track. But I feel like we might have sailed a bit too close to the wind with that one. Yeah. It's made me feel a bit upset. Pretty rancid, isn't it? I've got one here from Winfield Klein.

Oh, Winfield. We've heard. Which sounds like Winfield. Has he emailed before? Yeah, he has, yeah. Yeah. Nice to hear from Winfield again, even if it appears that it's in straightened circumstances.

He says, Hi guys, I agree with Pete. I'm sick of listening to beardy men cream their pants about how hoppy their drink is. Every two weeks is bi-weekly. Twice a week is semi-weekly. I hate the name Paul. Two different girlfriends have cheated on me

with guys named Paul and my batteries are Kirkland Signature. All the best, Winfield Klein. Now... I like those emails because they're very kind of like, right, let's deal with five different subjects at the same time. Yeah, not, oh, I've got a bot fly in my head. Man, love like those emails because they're very kind of like, right, let's deal with five different subjects at the same time.

Yeah, not, oh, I've got a bot fly in my head, man, love me, love me.

No, we have three bot flies. Three, sorry, yeah, it's three times as bad as that. I remember when I was a kid,

I used to go down to the freezer and pick up a bot fly, just chew it, chew a frozen bot fly. And now you're immune, so there's a lesson there, people. Exactly.

That's what they do to, you know when they use inoculations, they give you a little bit of the... I'm familiar with the idea of inoculation. Yeah, but what they do is actually give you a tiny amount of it, don't they, sweetie? We've talked about this on the podcast.

The cowpox to smallpox leap. There we go. He managed to... It wasn't Joseph Lister. Why can I never remember the man's name? He's cured smallpox. Sarah Nelms was the milkmaid he took the pus from and injected it into someone with smallpox.

I think that inoculated... Edward Jenner. Edward Jenner! There we go. Not to be confused by... No, I won't say that. The moral of the story is every child should be injected with a bot fly.

Yes. No child left behind. No child un-Botflyed in the Botbot. Botfly the Botbot. That's what the government campaign should be. That's why they're called Botfly because they've got big bots. They cannot laugh. And they're half robot.

Is that it? Is that all we've got? I think we should get out of here, to be honest. We've got a couple of men carters for next week, so we'll maybe do a double men carter. I think that's fair enough. You always prompt this stuff and you never deliver, so I'm going to make sure you deliver this time.

I think so. Well, we can do it. So let's get out of here. Luke, how can people get involved? Hello at lukeandpeachow.com. We hope you've enjoyed the last half an hour or so. Sorry about the bot fly business, but what that will serve as

Dave Clements aside it will just serve to show you that there are people out there who are less fortunate than you so go away from this episode with a spring in your step you're very lucky you don't have any sort of insect larvae

burrowing into your body and we'll look forward to seeing you on Thursday yeah crabs don't burrow bye seeing you on Thursday. Yeah, crabs don't borrow. Bye.