The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 55: Misplacing the Door to Hell

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Our eponymous heroes, The Luke and The Pete, are back fresh from Naples and talking all things Italian (pizza, sculpted eyebrows etc) as well as car rentals, why Pete insists on recording the occasional podcast in bare feet - something that Luke finds completely unacceptable - and the strange Donaldson family trait of giving sausages at Easter in lieu of chocolate eggs.Elsewhere, there's Turkmenistan's Door to Hell and where not to find it, some clarification on transubstantiation, and dreams about Mr Blobby. Don't ask. Well do, and do it by emailing [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. I'm feeling that today, that theme tune. Are you feeling that? You know sometimes with different songs, you think, you put one on and you go, do you know what, I'm really feeling that today. I'm really feeling that. I'm feeling that theme tune. You spent our time in Naples listening to the Super Fairy Animals quite a lot.

Who are from Naples, of course. And that's why I did it. Do you remember their Italian language album? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. It was cool. It was called Margarita. Were there the pizzas you were eating?

I never eat any pizzas because, as discussed probably on this show, bum-bums. My bum-bum isn't very productive sometimes. But the pizzas in Naples were, mmm, bellissimo. They were. They were delicious. Well, the Pete, I'll tell you that we learned from our tour guide

at Pompeii, Roberto, that the first ever pizza was made in Naples. Right. And it was made, I think, to celebrate a queen. A queen of one of the families. A queen. But the most important point, the salient point, is that it was designed to have the white of the mozzarella, the red of the tomato, and the green of the basil

to represent the Italian flag. And in Naples, apparently, and according to something I read since we came back from Naples, one of the great Neapolitan pizza chefs came over to London for some food festival and he refused to put anything on this pizza other than mozzarella and tomato. Right. And basil. I know where you read that. Do you?

In the EasyJet magazine on the way back. Correct. Which was also featuring someone I know talking about Yum Buns. Oh right, yeah, I saw that as well. Yum Buns are delicious, says Johnny Downey of Street Feast slash Hawker House slash all of the other dining experiences in London. Friend of Gary Lineker. I love a steamed bun.

I do. I love an esteemed bun. Anyway, what's been going on, Pete? This is episode 54 of the Luke and Pete show. That is the Pete. I am the Luke. Hello. I feel like I should give people a recap of what happened last week.

Okay. Because it's nice to give people a little sort of recap. And also, if you come into the show and you're listening for the first time to the most recent show, it'll give you a little bit of context. Some people who are on really epic trips, maybe across China or something, they listen to all of them in a row. So they might be very familiar with what happened last week. But...

We can't guarantee it, though, can we? Let's have a pricey. Some people a life um yeah pricey uh last week there was a dream about bees from a listener horrific i told a quick story about old ladies in libraries and the systems they have to know whether they've read a book or not oh that was nice i like that you did something on the um worst inventions of all time which beautiful. And you also rallied against the establishment, as is your won't, for the reason that you didn't get into Cambridge University,

which I think was fanciful. And if you don't mind me saying, Pete, on behalf of the listeners and myself, a little bit delusional. No. I mean, I wouldn't have been able to afford all the formal wear that those guys have. They've got so many different jackets

for every different situation. Gowns. Yeah, gowns and jackets. And you've got formal wear that those guys have. They've got like so many different jackets for every different situation. Gowns. Yeah, gowns and jackets and like you've got formal wear, you've got informal wear. Oh God. I mean, which usually involves chinos.

Let's face it in Cambridge. Yeah. Fucking chinos and a bike. I mean, if you've got an oily chin on a bike, don't wear chinos. You're going to fuck them up.

If you go to Cambridge, it's funny actually, it's one of the sort of modern phenomenons or phenomena of life is that actually everywhere Cambridge, it's funny, actually. It's one of the modern phenomena of life is that actually everywhere in Cambridge, it's just the universities. For people who haven't been there, picture this.

It's just university buildings, chino shop, bike shop, chino shop, bike shop, scarf shop, chino shop, bike shop, scarf shop. That's it. And aggressive townies that aren't involved in either enterprises. I'd be very grudging about it. Yeah, who want to beat the shit out of everyone.

Before I go into the update that I've been asked for from many listeners about what happened to the two Sean Holders, last time we left them in a hotel lobby, very confused, but making the best of the situation. Yeah, I remember that. Before we do that, talk to me about why you're wearing bare feet in the studio today, because I think that's quite rude.

Luke, as discussed, as soon as you get on a flight, you remove not only your shoes, but your socks as well, which is about as deviant as it gets. No, this has been bastardised, this story. What? This has taken on a life of its own. What do you mean? Well, the conversation we had actually was,

do you take your shoes off on a flight? And we said, yes, we did. And I said, I sometimes take my shoes off even if I've got shorts on and I'm not wearing any socks. And then you went mad about it. So you can't do that. You can't do that. That's a health risk for you.

It's a health risk for the plane as well. There's nothing inherently unhealthy about feet, is there? What? You're not going to catch anything just from a foot. No, I'm not someone who's genuinely phobic about feet. I'm not one who goes, oh, disgusting. Those torn ears. Like, they're just feet.

I mean, they're the business end of the person, aren't they? But, it's a bit, it's a bit off. It's not dangerous, though, is it? As soon as you get on the flight. I'm not saying you're going

to get thrown off by an air marshal. I'm just saying that if you just take your shoes and socks off, that's deviant behaviour. But no one's ever... As soon as you get on the flight.

No one's ever gone into a doctor's surgery and the doctor said, well, judging by your symptoms have you been around on your bare feet lately it doesn't happen no

it's not like when we came back on the easyjet flight from Naples we weren't allowed to eat nuts because a woman was highly allergic

allergic right yeah Ricky Gervais does a piece about that in his humanity stand up show that's the last one isn't it

yeah started strong fell off a bit. Yeah, I didn't think it was too bad. I thought it was okay. But I'm sure he'll be absolutely delighted to hear our critique of it. But before we get into a bit more about Naples, let me just give you an update on the Sean Holder situation. And I mean Holder's plural because last time we heard,

they were both in a hotel lobby. Strange coincidence. There were two men called Sean Holder. If you want to hear the story, go back and listen to episode 53, I think. I thought we squared off this story. Well, we didn't because we left Sean Holder, the one I know, in the hotel lobby.

What did he do next, Pete? He's been turfed out of a hotel. If I know the R. Kelly song, he goes to a room and oomps somebody. It's the remix to Ignition. Urinate on an underage girl. Come on. That's not my bag, mate.

It's R. Kelly's. After the party, it's the hotel lobby. What happened last year? Remember when R. Kelly was accused of capturing literal young women and the parents were kind of complicit? And that story just went away. Yeah. Especially in, you know, 2018,, 2018, where I was supposed to be

a bit more on shit. Nothing happened. You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. Rotter? Yeah, he's a rotter. He's a proper... That's what the R stands for. Rotter.

Rotter Kelly. I don't know what happened, Pete. Maybe some listeners can get in touch. Hello at LukeandPete.com. Are you in R. Kelly's dungeon? If you've seen R. Kelly at large, do not approach him. No.

He's presumably armed and dangerous. Sean Holder says when I asked him on behalf of the listeners what actually happened he said we just bolted out the hotel these are his words not mine the way the hotel is laid out we had been checked into a country cottage away from the main building so I drove round and picked my

girlfriend up without having to show her face in the reception again sitting in the car though we both realised we had put down a £150 holding deposit so I had to go back a second time with my tail between my legs to get that back. Hotel staff were so awkward, they couldn't look me in the eye. In shock and awe, we started to drive back to London, then realised

it was too sad, so checked ourselves into another hotel in Oxford and got drunk there because we had a day off work the next day. That's the best of a bad situation. Let's get pissed. I think the holding deposit should have been kept by the hotel because you did enjoy their facilities briefly. At least on a pro rata basis.

Yeah, take a tenner off them. £150 for, say, two nights. That's 48 hours. Just pro rata it down for the time they've had. Give them about £122. Exactly. So that's the Sean Holder resolution that everyone was after. Anyway, should we talk a bit about Naples?

Yeah, I'm trying to think what happened in the hotel in Naples. It was too hot. Let's have an It's Been. It's Been! There you go. I watched Italian for It's Been. Who knows? Are you going to look it up?

I have no idea. Siri, what is Italian for... Not a talon. The only person I ever met who uses Siri. Do you remember Napoleon Dynamite? Yeah. The chicken has large talons. Does the chicken have large talons?

And the guy goes, son, I don't understand a word you just said. It's been... We've been to Naples you've got the German I can go ich bin there you could be

because that is I am isn't it yeah and I did a I forgot this is an example of my admin in the boots

in departures admin in Gatwick I found some Piers Buin sun cream right and I did that

Piers Buin Piers Buin but I didn't share it I forgot anyway it's Pizbuin sun cream. Right. And I did that. Pizbuin. Pizbuin. But I didn't share it. I forgot. Anyway. It's Pizbuin though, isn't it? Is it?

Yeah, it's a stronger boo. I wonder what that means. Is it Australian or something? Don't know. Ah, you're real Pizbuin, mate. They speak English, so presumably not. Yeah, but it could be

like a kind of shortening, like Ute. Or. Like the way they shorten the name Australia to Stry. Yeah. They just say Stry.

Or they shout it, Aborigines. Right, where were you? Naples. Naples, Naples, Naples. Don't complain about the hotel room, because it makes you sound privileged and a little bit sort of arrogant. Complain about what? The hotel room you're in.

I was in a hotel room. I don't think that's completely, you know. Well, think of Sean Holder's experience. Can't go wrong so very quickly. I didn't get taffed at my hotel room, but the things i did there i should have been yeah i bought a little travel iron from next door it's actually quite a boring experience in the hotel uh i used my uh provisional driving license as a key card to uh make the lights come on very good that's a great life hack as the kids say these days that yeah so you don't need to actually use the hotel

keycard to keep the lights on if you don't want to, because that can be annoying because you can leave without it. Just roll up a... Anything. Piece of card. Roll up the Do Not Disturb card. Yeah, piece of card. Anything works. You can just slide anything in there. What did you think of Naples as a city, Pete? I really enjoyed myself.

I did. Everybody was so good looking. Yeah. I mean, they didn't always dress amazingly, but they all were incredibly good looking and healthy. Editors note, you are currently wearing a 1998 Newcastle United shirt and a pair of tracksuit bottoms and bare feet. You would fit in as a member of the Camorra pretty well.

I just come back from the gym where I ate a carb grenade chocolate bar. I don't go in. I'd never buy any creatine, any protein powders. I don't really understand why it works, but I was a bit peckish. And I thought, I'll get one of those chocolate bars from the vending machine. And it was a carb grenade. Sounds like slang for someone saying they had a massive dump. I just dropped a carb grenade

watch out i pulled the pin out get it away from your mouth get it away from your mouth but you know speaking of people being good looking in naples i was chatting to john as well our friend and speaking of people good looking no not him my hotel room had a really big mirror and a really good looking guy in it and a lot of the men in Naples look really tough. When you get close to them, you're like, hang on, has he sculpted his eyebrows?

There's a lot of kissing. Yeah, sort of like a cross between Cristiano Ronaldo and, I don't know, like someone really tough in one face.

Yeah, yeah, I do like a lot of, I kissed the taxi driver when we left. We were very late to the... We had Pietro, our taxi driver,

who we met like the night before when we were drunk. And we got him and his dad, I think, to drive us to the airport. It wasn't his dad. It was just his mate. It was his mate.

It was just his mate who was a bit older. All right. He said it was his brother, which seemed very strange. But yeah, and they do that kiss on both cheeks and stuff.

Yeah. But John... Did you feel awkward about it? No, I went in for tongues. Did you? I was like, goodbye, Naples. I'm going to take something with me. A cold saw.

A taxi driver's dignity. No, we did that by our friend Laura not getting up for an hour and a half. Yeah. So what's your point about kissing the taxi driver? What's your point about not kissing the taxi driver? You don't know

why I didn't kiss your taxi driver. I don't kiss and tell. No I thought it was a great place. I had a real edge about it which is

quite exciting. The bars were quite good. The food was incredible. The Friday night when we arrived there we took a

steer from someone and went to a pizza place called Something Damocle, I think, which is reportedly the best pizza in the world. And we waited outside for an hour and a half to get in, drinking Peronis on the pavement. Who got the Peronis? Thank you very much.

You did, Peter. Who opened them? Because you didn't get a bottle opener? Me, with a lighter. Almost broke my finger. Well, I opened mine on a wall. I opened about 16 bottles of Peroni with a lighter. I used to open them with a... Your teeth? Yeah your teeth yeah bad idea um the pizza when inside was absolutely incredible and to go back to what i was just saying earlier about how how the pizza was invented but how they cook it apparently is they need the dough for a very very long time of course but when they lay the pizza out i think they only cook it for about 45 seconds you know that oh really yeah very very

quick yeah to which I'm thinking, why the fuck are we waiting an hour and a half outside? Exactly. There were three tables. Well, we went in there for what is reportedly the best pizza in the world.

And of course, it's a subjective thing. But I wouldn't be outraged if someone said that's the best pizza in the world because it was delicious. It was four euros a pizza. It's incredible value, that.

The problem with pizza is it's hard to charge much more when it is just a bit of four euros a pizza. Yeah. It's incredible value that. The problem with pizza is it's hard to charge much more when it is just a bit of dough, a bit of tomato. And tomato in particular was very good. Sure, but it's supply and demand.

If you've got 200 people waiting outside to get in. It's a brand new man. It's a brand new man. The Hives. Great band. Yeah, giving your age away there, Peter. It's alright, isn't it?

Yeah, it's not too bad. It's the same age as me. If you go to any indie bar slash club, like the music's, they still play the Arctic Monkeys from, you know, 99 or whatever. Why do we always have to get back to you going to any if you go to any indie bar slash club like the music they still play the Arctic Monkeys from you know 99 or whatever

why do we always have to get back to you going to indie clubs couldn't find one in Naples mate no you did try couldn't find one you did try had a crack before we go

over the edge of the cliff of self indulgence too much just one final point about Naples is that we were in a bar having a nice couple of drinks

and you and Joel decided you were going to go and find a club. Yeah. And we knew you wouldn't be able to find one. We knew that you should have just stayed there. Yeah.

Because it was a comfortable chair with a nice drink and good company. Okay, okay company. There was a chair. It was a mixed bag. There was a chair. About an hour later when we decided to leave

the bar ourselves to go home, who did we bump into? Pete and Joel walking the streets. Couldn't find anywhere to go. We did some laps. Yeah. Look, when I get pissed,

I like to sort of continue the evening until at least two o'clock. You guys, you get too drunk too quickly and you sort of settle into yourselves. Me,

if there's a bit of sugar running through my veins, I'm like, yes! Let's do something! Let's have an adventure! That's definitely true. And for me, nothing good happens after 2am. And I've always maintained that.

I haven't always maintained that. Since I hit about 30, I've maintained that. We were supposed to go to Pompeii the next day, which is amazing. Maybe we'll talk about it on Thursday. If we find the time. It's a beautiful place. Incredible, incredible place.

Pete, you didn't turn up for Pompeii. No. I wanted to go to a castle. I went to a castle instead and I had a lovely time. And I had a McDonald's. Yeah. Pompeii will always be there. Pompeii has been there for a while.

It will continue to be there. I'd actually quite like to do a little road trip, maybe a little train trip around Italy. Down the Amalfi Coast? Beautiful. Yeah, it'd be nice. Maybe start in Switzerland. If you are listening to sponsors,

just try to think of sponsors who would sponsor it. A renter car company, perhaps. A car rental company. When you're the only one who drives, so... Yeah, that'd be a lot of work for me, wouldn't it?

I could sleep in the back. That's what I'd do. I'm going on a road trip next week, and I can't drive. Neither can another person on the trip, and another person on the trip.

So there's one person, one designated driver. My goodness me. And last time I went on a road trip around America, I bought the best thing I ever bought was we were in a Target or one of those shops and I bought a big pillow. A big pillow in the back having to lie down in a convertible. Beautiful. I think it's

pronounced Tarjay by the way. Good stuff. Alright, shall we do some emails? Let's do some emails. Let's have a little jing. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Yeah.

Yeah. You want to go first? I'll give you a couple of... We were talking about Easter sausages, Easter chocolates, Easter chocolate eggs a little earlier on. Easter sausages. Easter sausages.

In the Donaldson family, it's sausages. Easter bangers. The thing I think in your family is you famously give each other sausages for Easter, don't you? But you put them

in the Easter egg boxes as normal. Frozen. Completely frozen. So you take all the chocolate out and everything and put the sausages in the little plastic bit.

Exactly. Yeah, it's nice. Bang on. You can get an entire Savloy in a promotional Toblerone box. And you can get a... Actually, if you open promotional Toblerone box. And you can get... Actually, if you open a Toblerone, there's a sausage in there.

You can get a Cumberland in a dairy milk plastic container. Dairy milk. Is that circular? Well, I'm just saying the egg, the egg bit. Oh, right. You can sort of wrap it up.

Yeah, you can fit a Cumberland in there. They're already wrapped up, aren't they? Yeah, I guess so. We were talking about Easter eggs not having the word Easter on them, and it was very upsetting to a lot of people. It wasn't upsetting to me. I just inquired as to the reason for it.

No. Matt, one of the supermarkets claimed that their chocolate egg packaging had never used the word Easter and provided some photo evidence from the 80s and the 90s. I don't know how true this is. However, same with Ian Burt. He says that this has always been the case for 95% of eggs. You can check this by Google Imaging or Imagining,

he's written there, which I quite like. I've Googled imagined it. I Googled imagined it, officer. Yeah, 1980s Easter eggs and seeing nearly all of them

just say milk chocolate egg on them and not Easter. So, fuck you. Bigots. Oh, and he said Bitcoin. Where did that come from?

I've got some Bitcoin. I told you, isn't it? Ethereum. Yeah, Ethereum. I've got Ethereum as well, yeah. And Daniel just ends with, we could just all grow up with a chocolate egg, which I kind got some Bitcoin. I told you, didn't I? Ethereum. I've got Ethereum as well, yeah.

And Daniel just ends with, we could just all grow up. It's a chocolate egg, which I kind of agree with. You're right, Daniel. Yeah, you're right, Daniel. Speaking of Easter eggs and Easter sausages,

but mostly Easter eggs, do you remember the Easter egg in the 80s that came in like a Yorkie truck? Oh, yes. It's great. I do remember that. It's great, isn't it?

Magical. I love that. We used to go to the Navy Club afternoon, so basically where my dad used to drink. And they used to put on a puppet show and all the kids used to dance around, have a little disco or whatever. And it was really exciting.

But the eggs they used to give you were fucking obscene. Like proper 1980s, back of a lorry, Taiwanese dog chocolate. It was fucking dreadful dog's eggs dog's eggs literal dog's eggs and also Yorkies Nestle in there

so back in the 80s that would have been bad yeah I was too young to realise though well Yorkies it was Yorkies Yorkies Nestle

I don't actually I don't actually mind Nestle chocolate well people forget I don't actually mind the African milk scandal

of the 1980s. That's really sort of run and run. Nestle insists that that's not been happening with their company for years and years but it still carries on.

Yeah, it's tense though. Don't shit what you eat, mate. Suck your shit out. Literally don't poison babies and you'll be fine. But it's true. I understand all that but if we're judging people

on that standard and maybe we should, I don't know, but you're not getting any work because 10, 15 years ago you were up to all sorts. Yeah, it wasn't public, though, was it? That is true. I wasn't making money out of it.

I wasn't building an empire. You couldn't get booked. I didn't build my empire on dreadful things. That is a quote. Peter Bore Pal Donaldson. I did not build my empire on dreadful things. I'm going to write that down. Do you want me to do an email?

Do an email, you dick. Hang on a second. Let me just finish this. All right. Should I start? No, I'll do it. I've got it here. What do you want?

Do you want one about Turkmenistan? Do you want one about documentaries? What do you want? Let's have a documentary. Okay. I'll do Turkmenistan. You do the documentary. This is from Alex.

He says, hello, guys. On the mention of good documentaries to watch on the early show last week I wonder if you guys have any other recommendations

a few of mine I would definitely recommend to you and the listeners are Hickson about a Brazilian MMA fighter Renzo Legacy

don't know what that's about the Lego documentary I've seen that it's very good Tilt about pinball not seen that The Impostor

which is absolutely fantastic which is a story about have you seen The Impostor, which is absolutely fantastic, which is a story about... Have you seen The Impostor? It's about a story about a kid who takes on the identity of another kid. It's very, very strange. You should watch it.

He says, these are all great. Do you have any to recommend? I do, actually. Like I said, I agree The Impostor is fantastic. Anything by Werner Herzog is great as well. Grizzly Man is good by him. I enjoyed that. Have you seen Little Deta Needs to Fly?

No. About a Vietnam veteran who goes back to Vietnam. He finishes the job. He's a pilot. Right. His story is incredible. I think he was captured and he goes back. It's really, really good.

One of the things, Ken Burns' The Vietnam War is really good. That's a 10-parter. It was on BBC for a while but that is definitive. It's fantastic. I don't know how you watched all of that.

Yeah, and The Jinx. I wanted to get to The Jinx. Have you seen The Jinx? The Jinx is the guy who kills the person and clearly gets away with it or doesn't. He admits it on camera.

Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I mean, you could have watched The Jinx but now you don't need to. No, no. It's the sinister, intelligent man. Yeah, the reason The Jinx is worth watching is because these sort of, you could have watched Jinx, but now you don't need to. No, no. It's the reason... A sinister, intelligent man.

Yeah, the reason the Jinx is worth watching is because these sort of... You know, I guess, taking it back to podcasting, if you listen to Serial or S-Town or one or two others, you can be forgiven. And they're great podcasts, of course. But you can be forgiven for being a bit unsatisfied with the ending of them. Right. Because they're done week by week.

I don't know where it's going to go. The Jinx has one of the best payoffs you've ever seen a documentary series I think it's a five or six part it's definitely worth watching yeah I keep I've only

seen the clip of him in the back of that car hmm and he just seems incredibly sinister watch it he's mad he is mad it's really good yeah it's really good um so I hope that

answers your question Alex I was um what was I watching what was that documentary about the that cult in oh Wild Wild Country

so I'm only about four episodes into that that's very very good is that got a good payoff don't tell me yeah okay good well the thing about

the documentary I got recommended by a guy called Joe who well through a podcast I was listening to but I know him and he was basically

saying that he's always cynical when every episode has a really good payoff or a really good ending. He's really cynical that they've managed to kind of like, you know, balance it so much that there's, you know, reveal after reveal after reveal. Right. And, you know, it's fascinating. These people who are still, you are still beating the drum for this cult 30 years

40 years down the line after it had all fallen to bits don't give any more information because people want to see it

including me and there's a woman in it who is an older lady who is incredibly exciting yes I agree with that I've met her already

in the four episodes I've watched go on pal what have you got for us Ash hello Ash suitable name actually for this email I think so I've met her already in the four episodes I've watched. Go on, pal. What have you got for us? Ash. Hello, Ash. Suitable name, actually, for this email.

I think so. Dear Luke and Pete, first of all, enjoy the podcast, etc. With the vague mention of a burning hole in Kazakhstan on this week's pod, I immediately knew that Pete was slightly off the mark. Okay. That makes it sound like he preempted me being off the mark and not that he knew had some prior knowledge about this situation you're really on the mark i know right oh mate i don't even know where the mark is i am the mark um and uh he was actually referring to

the door to hell in turkmenistan i know this because i tried to visit the landmark myself and that is sorry to cut in that is the door to hell Hell. Not The Door to Hell. No. About hellish daughters. Bring your daughter to the slaughter. Iron Maiden's only number one. Let her go, let her go, let her go. Yannick Guz from Hartlepool. Is he? Yeah, you should see him in W.H. Smith's.

He was the only man in the 1990s who would have white bleached jeans. He would always be reading the caravan magazines. Never reading like, you would imagine he'd be reading like NME or like Q or something or Total Guitar. But no, caravans. Bruce Dickinson, lead singer, has got a lot of interests as well.

He's got fencing planes. Yeah, that kind of stuff. I might have talked about it. I read his autobiography recently. I met with a guy yesterday who can fly his own plane he's like 30 you know you meet someone who's quite impressive

and you sort of go oh don't point at yourself yeah and you're 37 so have a word but he's just incredibly impressive at quite a younger age

and you sort of come on now that's too impressive but he flew into he's from Jordan he lives too impressive. But he flew into, he's from Jordan. He lives in Bahrain. And he flew into Israeli airspace and they started buzzing him in Hebrew.

And he was like, but he doesn't speak any. And then they switched to Arabic and sort of went, get out, get out of Israeli airspace. What a story. Just in a little Cessna. Lovely old job. Yeah, anyway, in the summer of went, get out. Get out of Israel, yes. What a story. Just in a little Cessna. What a story. Yeah, anyway, in the summer of 2014, this is Ash's email, I was taking part in the Mongol

rally along with five friends and our route was to take us through the tourist hotspot that is Turkmenistan. We immediately singled out the door to hell as a must-see because, as Pete rightly alluded to, the hall was intentionally set on fire to burn off any excess methane gas. And although they estimated it would take only a few weeks to burn,

that bitch has been sizzling since 1971, which sounds awesome. Yeah, they... Great pictures. Didn't they say it would take a couple of weeks, but it's only been like 45 years in count? Ah, that'll teach you. Yeah.

The gas, the earth's got a lot of gas in there. Now, unfortunately, we'd heard that getting to the haul could be quite a long-winded and expensive affair, and being a thrifty bunch, we thought we'd just find it on Google Maps and drive there ourselves. We arrived at the crater and was disappointed to see that instead of the flaming eye of Satan

that we'd been promised, there were about six flames, and it was all a bit shit. We figured that there couldn't be that many flaming holes knocking about, though, and that we were at the door to hell after all, and that maybe we just caught it on an off day. This door to hell's having a right off day.

It's rubbish. If anything, it's a door to purgatory. Yeah, exactly. To make matters worse, it's like the 17th of Dante's circles. To make matters worse, we also radioed down a passing team that we had met the week before because luckily for them, we'd already found it and it wasn't as difficult to get to as people had made out. As I've already alluded to, though, we were at the wrong fucking one.

Rather than hitting the Darvaza Gas Crater on Google Maps, we'd instead made our way to the Darvaza Mud Crater, which a quick image search will show you. It's almost exactly as impressive as it sounds. There was just some bubbling mud in the bottom and a few flames giving out a nice cheery glow. I like the fact there's just like a bit of bubble, but there's still flames though.

Still flames in Turkmenistan. Massive balls up. Finding out from other people that the real one was just as awesome as it looks was a bitter spill to swallow. We'd also been approached by a local guy during the night trying to tell us that we were at the wrong one

and that he would take us to the right one for a fee. But the language barrier being what it was, we just thought he was trying to extract money for us for seeing the haul that we'd already found and just told him that we aren't paying, so piss off. This episode still stinks to this day, and the reference to the haul in our latest episodes just brought the embarrassment flooding back.

This is what happens when you think you're smarter than everyone else, kids. Good point, Ash. Yeah, and the little-known fact about the door to Helm's Hetmanistan is that it burns so fiercely and for so long it's because it's where they throw all the press freedoms and human rights. Do you reckon anyone's jumped in that hole to commit suicide?

I don't know. It's good, though. It would be a good way to go, wouldn't it? It's quite a bleak question, isn't it? Where did Peter go? Quite a bleak question. Dignitas. What did we draw there?

Dignitas or burning hole in Turkmen question. Dignitas. What did we draw there? Dignitas or burning hole in Turkmenistan. Indignitas. Badass. Badass. Thanks for that, Ash. That's a good story. That's good on that one.

I'd quite like to hear more about the Mongol rally as well, really. I'd quite like to go to Mongolia. Is it for, is it, Mongolia's interesting because like, Mongolia

and those sort of places, it's a real interesting ethnic mix. The way people's faces kind of work around that, that's interesting because like Mongolia and those sort of places it's a real interesting ethnic mix the way people's faces kind of work around that that's interesting do you want another quick email

yeah another quick email this one's directed at you from the reverend Joshua Morris I'll knock you out reverend you can't do that direct your shit to me

not a man of the cloth not a man of the cloth although he's based in America so you might I mean you're going to America next week so you might see him

although I like the fact that the good reverend although he the cloth although he's based in america so you might i mean you're going to america next week so you might see him um although i like the fact that the good reverend um although he announces that he's got energizer batteries he just lists his address as america so you might not see him he says uh and this is an email about transubstantiation pete because we found a week or two ago that you didn't know the the story of christ jesus christ's crucifixion which was tell you a yarn about caesarea Philippi. Well, do you want to do that now? No, let's get on with the email. Transubstantiation.

So yeah, the good Reverend Josh Morris has got in touch. He says, gentlemen, as we tend to say, long-time listener, first-time emailer, I would like to offer myself as the official Luke and Pete show ordained minister correspondent. I thought he said first-time e-healer there. Yeah, first-time healer. First-time e-healer. Yeah, first time healer. Josh is one of those people you see on Facebook videos

who throws people over with the force of his Holy Spirit. He says, after hearing how Catholic education ruined Pete, it makes so much sense now, and so I would like to set the theological record straight. We could start with Pete's comment, I know all about Caesar, was it Caesarea Philippi? Caesarea Philippi. And the transubstantiation.

Yeah. He then went on to describe transubstantiation. Well, transubstantiation is a theological concept in the Eucharist, communion, crackers, wafers, Jesus' body and blood are actually in the elements. The priest, it is a Roman Catholic belief, turns the elements into Jesus' body and blood. So essentially, I guess what they're saying is that

you should take literally that the crackers you're eating and the wine you're drinking is in fact Jesus' body and blood because the priest says so. Two things on this one. The Windsor Knot podcast, Josh Grebels mentioned, he went to Catholic school as well, and he mentioned that his priest just had white wine. Right. Because he didn't like red.

How does that affect it? I don't know. But he just went, I don't like red wine. Has Jesus got anemia? Have you drained his spinal fluid? Is this what's going on here? It's so weird. He's just willing to sort of go,

yeah, fuck it, I'm going to white wine because I don't like red wine. Yeah, it is a nice white. It's a bit crisp. It's a nice white. And it's summer. Love you with fish. It's chilled. 50 fish.

Yes. And also, Jesus was a historical figure. And when your energy doesn't go anywhere, your energy just gets turned into something else. Transformed, yeah. Isn't that lovely? I would find that way more heartening that Jesus' body fed some worms

or his energy went somewhere. You know what I mean? And that's a more beautiful thing than some hawkers porkers about blood and wine and little biscuits everyone's body when they die goes

the energy is transferred isn't it and it goes on to I guess to to feed the Turkmenistani door of hell door of hell

yeah I had a dream the other night I won't go into too much detail because obviously it's slightly boring but dream I had Martin Luther King did that yeah

I have a dream but I won't go into it because it's slightly because obviously it's slightly boring but dream I have Martin Luther King did that yeah I have a dream but I won't go into it because it's slightly boring and it's well boring when you tell people about your dreams honestly you know you have those

deep dreams where you wake up and for about five minutes you can't work out what happened or not deep dreams I had a dream that I saw a news report

that we had found not we as in me and you but as in scientists and astronomers had found another civilisation right but it was all dead everything was dead had found, well not we, as in me and you, but as in scientists and astronomers had found another civilisation, but it was all dead.

Everything was dead. Quite depressing. It's really depressing. Imagine if that happened. They're all dead. It's not a plot for a sci-fi film, is it? So their energy was transferred too. Have we got time for another email? Just a quick email. Well, if you talk about dreams, I'll move on to Essex

and I'm moving on to Alec Lodge, which might be a place in Essex. It might be a person at Essex. Might be where Sean Holder stays. Exactly. Have you been to Alec Lodge? As Mr. Blobby seems to pop up on your podcast occasionally,

I thought I'd share a dream I had a few years ago. Again, dreams are very boring, but I do like the fact there's something in this dream. I dreamed I was part of the crew to build the set to bring back Noel's house party.

I was then told I could help, but of the crew to build the set to bring back Noel's house party. I was then told I could help, but not get too involved after the mess I'd made of Mr. Blobby's funeral. Just like that. He says he has no idea what happened at said funeral. Yeah, very strange. I'm a lorry driver, and I've included a screen grab of my Facebook memory

from when the dream happened as evidence. So thank you very much to Alec. That really made me laugh. I'm a lorry driver, and I've enclosed a picture of all the amphetamines I take. of my Facebook memory from when the dream happened as evidence. So thank you very much to Alec Lodge. That really made me laugh. I'm a lorry driver and I've enclosed a picture of all the amphetamines I take. Truck of speed. Have you ever,

have you ever, like what could you do to Mr. Blobby's funeral to make it any less ridiculous? I mean, or any more ridiculous rather. Is he buried in the suit? Yeah,

because his suit, there wasn't a lot of padding. It was quite loose, wasn't it? Yeah. Around the legs and you could really squish the suit. It was like when, because the suit, there wasn't a lot of padding. It was quite loose, wasn't it? Yeah. Around the legs and you could really squish the suit.

It was like when, you remember when people were accusing Beyonce of having a fake pregnancy? Yeah. Not like ectopic pregnancy but like they thought

she was faking and she had a surrogate because there was this really weird shot of her standing up on Oprah or something or sitting down and her stomach

sort of folds in on herself and it's like her big fat belly just goes and it's like that definitely shouldn't happen on a normal baby belly

you're not an obstetrician though are you let me think no no there are people on the internet who believe that

Australia doesn't exist so I mean you can find them everywhere yeah I know but I mean I'd rather believe something with my own eyes rather than flat earthers do you know but I mean I'd rather believe something

with my own eyes rather than flat earthers do you know who I'd like to hear from the guy who was in the Mr Blobby suit in the 90s

if he's listening get in touch one of the Teletubbies died recently I think I mentioned it on a previous podcast you did how does Mr Blobby's

hat actually head never come off when he just chucked himself around I think it did a couple of times and that's why

it's funny because he's a bit shit I never saw it we've probably talked about this before Mr Blobby not being allowed to go to New York

is one of the funniest bits of television just Mr Noel Edmonds being fucking Noel Edmonds just going Mr Blobby

because we're going to do a show from New York and that was going to be a big deal that was going to be Noel's house party stateside

and basically Noel Edmonds is like showing his ticket showing his New York and that was going to be a big deal. That was going to be Nor's house party stateside. And basically, Norl Edmonds is showing his ticket, showing his business class upper class ticket to Mr. Blobby. And he's going, I'm sorry, Mr. Blobby, you're not going to New York because you just make a fool of us. You're embarrassing.

Blah, blah, blah. And Mr. Blobby goes, No! And he gets really angry. And he's sort of going upstairs to bed and he's really angry and he's just stamping and, you know, and he gets really angry and he's like bashing into that wall that always used to wobble.

And then Noel Edmonds gets out Mr. Blobby's ticket and he absolutely goes, fucking ape shit. It is so funny. Right. And check it out if you can. Mr. Blobby, New York. So basically what you're saying is you're a big fan of Mr. Blobby New York so basically what you're saying

is you're a big fan of Mr Blobby I've come round to him who's in the Noel Edmonds suit all through the 90s a prick right

is it funnier than peanuts it's up there it's definitely on my little carousel of nonsense that I like to look at every now and again should we get out of here

and then come back on Thursday I think that sounds like a plan I've got a Goodman Carter on Thursday, actually. Oh, so ring it. Make an appointment to listen to that. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com if you want to get in touch with emails, stories,

anything you've been up to. We'd love to hear from you, because otherwise, it's essentially just me stuck in the room with the Pete. Could you send me an erotic drawing? Bye! Send me an erotic drawing. Bye.