The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 56: Duncan Bannatyne and his favourite eggs

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Still on a high from a visit to southern Italy, Luke's started reading Roberto Saviano's Gomorrah. Meanwhile, Pete takes a trip down memory lane and treats us all to his favourite Red Dwarf moments. Conversation then understandably takes a trip to the dark side courtesy of Craig 'Dave Lister' Charles' penchant for grumble mags and crack.Before we depart, we of course read out some of your missives, including one in particular about left-handedness, ruminate on what Duncan Bannatyne has been up to, and then open the creaking door to Mencarta to hear about a man who made quite a bad mistake at work, yet miraculously survived to tell the tale.Send your proton beams here: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hoo-ha! Alright, Blobby fans. You sounded a bit like Busta Rhymes then. Busta Rhymes now. Hoo-ha! MOP now. I got you all in check. I've been watching a lot of WrestleMania thanks to the WrestleMe podcast recently.

And Ric Flair's just arrived. And it's the first time I've actually seen him wrestle. And he blades in WrestleMania 8. He cuts his head deliberately. He does a really good job, actually. I didn't notice him do it. And usually it's really obvious where they get the blades from. And his lovely kind of scarecrow white slash blonde hair gets covered in blood.

And he looks like one of the Lost Boys. Woo! Hello, Boys. Woo! Hello, everyone. Woo! I can't do it. I'm the Luke. Woo! That's the Pete.

Yeah. Rick Flair will be here shortly. He will be. He's still alive, isn't he? He pulled through. He's still alive. Yeah, he pulled through. What is it?

Longest, oldest ride, longest line. Right. Alluding to his sexual proclivities. There we go. His sexual popularity. Speaking of sexual proclivities, this go his sexual popularity speaking of sexual proclivities

this is the fifth time Pete and I have audially made love to you the listener say orally

through your headphones yeah through your headphones and I hope you're having a bloody lovely time it's Thursday it's almost the weekend Pete what have you got for us

this time what have we got here this time you don't know do you I was genuinely thinking of an idea of deep throating the mind Pete, what have you got for us this time? What have we got here this time? You don't know, do you? I was genuinely thinking of an idea of deep-throating the mind. Oh, God. Really getting in there, guys.

Really getting in there. And you're making a weird noise. It's unnatural. Episode 54, you didn't really go off the rails that much. No. Starting strong. Yeah, you started off rallying against Cambridge University, then you ended by rallying for Mr. Blobby.

So you are someone who is very much against the best educational establishments this country has got to offer, but also very much in favour of some of the worst television this country's ever seen. Would Blobby University be worse than Trump University? I'm just asking the question. I think it would be similar. I think it would be very, very similar. Last, on Monday, we talked about how he went to Naples. question i think it would be similar i think it would be very very similar um last um on monday we talked about how he went to naples i've actually since then i've started reading the book gamora

yes um by roberto saviano who's obviously been in hiding for 10 years because the camora are after him apparently um it's obviously the book the tv show and the film were made of both are excellent um but the book itself is absolutely brutal. I could never have imagined how violent, how debasing, how awful. A European country could be in the face of such horrific organised crime. It is incredible. I reckon I could hide from the Gamora. Yeah. I mean, they're called the could hide from the Gamora. Yeah. I mean, they're called the Kamora.

The Kamora? Yeah. Oh, the TV show's called Gamora. Yeah. Is that the area? It's a play on words. I don't know. I find gangster shit quite dull.

I find organised crime stories actually quite dull. I'm enjoying the TV show, but it's just a bit like... What's that Alan Partridge fucking dangerous daggerman Dave or whatever? Dave's a daggerman it's the what's that Alan Partridge fucking dangerous dagger man Dave or whatever Dave's a dagger man Dan the dagger man

from Dagger Man can I just say who did I interview once who's that gangster I interviewed once oh Frankie Fraser mad Frankie Fraser that was good

always mad but you only were brave enough to ask him those questions because it was over the phone oh yeah can I just say no one calls it gangster shit apart from Dr Dry

gangster shit which is what you just called it that's just gangster shit apart from Dr. Dre. Gangster shit. Which is what you just called it. That's just gangster shit, mate. But no, I think the play on words. I might be wrong here. Notable wife, Peter. But the play on... Who?

Dre. Frankie Fraser. No. Didn't he hit a mail delivery man over the head and he went to prison for a bit? Who, Frankie Fraser? Or am I thinking of the great train robber? But for those who haven't heard the little... Peter's memories of gangsters.

The little herder interview you did of Frankie Fraser back in the day on the phone, didn't you start off sort of buttering him up? Yeah. And then called him a... Hit him with one, too. And you called him a reprehensible thug. Something like that. It wasn't as...

He hung up, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He just hung up. Which is amazing. And you've been looking over your shoulder ever since. I could hide from the Camorra Gamorras. Well, Frankie Fraser's about 90,

so you'd be fine. Yeah, but his friends are probably younger, aren't they? But to go back to the actual point, I think it's called Gamorra because it's

a play on the words that the Camorra have turned the town into Gamorra. Oh, right. As in the biblical. I see. There's not an area

in Naples called Gamorra. So it's set in Secondigliano, I think, which is a suburb of North Naples. I see. But I got into it because we went there.

Anyway, I was too scared to go there. What sort of camera then? Camera, yeah, they take photos of all their victims. That's what they called the camera. Kuruma is car in Japanese.

There we go. I was just briefing in the stage a couple of examples. The book's well worth a read by Roberto Saviano. You can get it, I think it's widely available. You don't have Sonya for a book. But the thing is, I mean, Football Ramble, you can still get them. Yeahiano you can get it I think it's widely available you don't have to own it for a book

but the thing is I mean Football Ramble you can still get them yeah you can still get them cheap cheap cheap cheap but two things that just stick in my mind

one is that they use a lot of kids to do their I beg your pardon to do their bidding because obviously they're impressionable they don't want as much money

they don't go to jail for very long blah blah blah and one of the things check how horrific this is they take the kids out into like wasteland outside the city

put bulletproof vests on them and just shoot them in the chest over and over again with bulletproof vests on to get them used to not flinching or being scared

when a gun is pulled out to be honest that's ingenious isn't it it's also horrendous and also bulletproof vests don't take much... As soon as you get shot

by a bulletproof vest, you've got to discard it. You don't get shot by a bulletproof vest, do you? Sorry, wearing one. Yeah.

I think I was fairly clear what ballpark I was in. The way you say that is like, oh yeah, they are stringent on health and safety. You get a shot one,

you've got to get a new one. Throw it away. It's like a disposable glove in Subway. And the second thing that was horrific that I read was that when they want to... So the drug market there appears to be quite a self-regulating thing. So if you distribute dangerous drugs that are going to kill people, make them sick, obviously it's bad for business.

People don't want to come to you again. So what they do is they get the most hopeless drug addict and they ask them if they want to be to you again. So what they do is they get the most hopeless drug addict and they ask them if they want to be what's called Visitors with a capital V. You get free drugs? Yeah, they just test

the drugs on them. Right. Has that killed him? That guy's dead so reduce the dose a bit. It's so bad. It's so bad. Incredible story.

It's well worth a read. That's what I've been reading. But you love a bit of blacktail heroin. I do. I always say that about you. It's true actually, yeah. That's one thing

that's been consistent throughout my life. Heroin addiction. Helps with my productivity. Anyway, shall we have an It's Been? It's been. Good. Give me a chance to drink some water. Yeah, nice.

What have you been doing over there? What have you been doing? It's been. What have you been up to, Pete? Tell us. I've been bloody recording podcasts. I'm on Aldo next week, so I'm trying to square everything away where are you going

again we're going on a road trip throughout the US starting in Denver going down to New Mexico Albuquerque oh Breaking Bad

gonna hit gonna hit yeah just do a little horseshoe up to Austin and then flying out of that are you gonna do

a Breaking Bad tour you can do one yeah people who are really into TV shows just can't be arsed with it I mean you do get

into some no I got into Red Dwarf when I was a kid and that was the last time I used to buy all the books and I used to be obsessed like whenever anyone would bring up a thing

that was the last thing I was really into I just my fanaticism just kind of wanes after a while but you'd think me being obsessed

with like learning Japanese would actually help me learn Japanese it doesn't it just makes me really anxious that I'm not hitting the books you're not as good at it

no what was your favourite Red Dwarf series it really fell off a cliff after five I think what's the one when they're in the starbuck that was my favourite

yeah that was four or five I can't remember now that's brilliant but I just remember being a real obsessive I couldn't tell you a single thing about it now. But do you remember when, like,

Crichton had a different costume? He had a slightly different mask. I sometimes see Holly from Red Dwarf, the girl one, in a bar. They brought it back, didn't they? Didn't Baby Cow bring it back? Yeah. It didn't go down very well.

These things are never the same. They're never the same, mate. But when I look back, because I really liked that series in the Starbuck, I think you're right, I think it's four or five. I thought it was fantastic. It was a real like,

a real sort of good part of my teenage years, I suppose. It was my favourite show. Usually. But look back on it. Fish! Cat just going for that machine

and going, fish! Getting in some fish. Fish! Every time. For those who are younger listeners, it was the 90s. We ain't got time to explain.

Danny John Jewels. But looking back on it, watching it again a year or two ago, it wasn't very good. The production of it is so cheap. Yeah, but it always was, and that was charming. That was part of the charm, you reckon?

Remember when they went to, they tried to, they tried to, Craig Charles, Lister, Joseph Lister. Joseph Lister. Joseph Lister? No, he was the carbolic soap guy

who discovered antiseptics. No, Lister, he was... Was it Dave Lister? Dave Lister, that's right, yeah. He was like a hard-drinking kind of drunk. Arnold Brimmer. Quite a cool character for the 80s. It was actually quite a good character.

They were all great creations and stuff. I mean, the sets were shit but like it was a decent little show and and one time uh they were getting chased by aliens i think and he went on the um and he went on the intercom the video uh phone and he stuck one of creighton's eyes on his chin and he did that thing where you go upside down oh i remember that yeah we are the we are the aliens from tarkadal which i think is an indian uh lentil dish isn't it yeah yeah nice i remember it it was great it was a great show upside down. Oh, see, I remember that, yeah. We are the aliens from Tarkadal, which I think is an Indian dish. It's a lentil dish, isn't it? Yeah. Nice.

I remember it. It was great. It was a great show. When they went to Reverse World and Cat did a poo and his hair went all up because the poo had gone in his bum. Yeah.

He couldn't believe it. I also remember when the actor that played Dave Lister, Craig Charles, got busted smoking crack in the back of a car. Not only that.

But I'm poor for a petrol station. But not only that, he sent out the Addison Lee guy, the taxi driver, to go and get him some more pornography, because the pornography he'd bought from the petrol station last time was all foreign. Who reads the articles when you're wanking a flaccid crack penis? That's the name of the show, without question. Flaccid crack penis. That's the name of the show. Without question. Flaccid crack penis. I'm fairly certain.

He also said, oh yeah, you know, I've got a pretty stressful job, so it's just how I like to wind down on a Friday. But what's smoking crack? Flaccid crack penis is one of the bands that Craig Charles plays on his funk and soul show. On Six Music.

Didn't One-Eyed Willie support them once? We once supported a band called Dogshit Sandwich did you really in Leicester yeah any other good band I'll tell you what

that is great hello at lukeandpetra.com if you genuinely and you don't just make them up you've got to provide evidence

if you're in a band with a hilariously bad name like Dogshit Sandwich Dogshit Sandwich do get in touch because that's the sort of thing I

definitely want to hear yeah so where were we Red Rock Dogshit Sandwich oh and speaking of which do get in touch because that's the sort of thing I definitely want to hear of. Yeah. So, where were we? Red Dwarf. We were talking about, oh,

and speaking of which, Craig Charles was, he was in Coronation Street at the time, I think, when he got busted. Yeah, because he was going to Manchester to film it,

wasn't he? Right, okay. I don't know what business he had in London, but he's done everything. He's done Robot Wars, Coronation Street,

lovely old job. Well, listen, he's done everything and we're not just talking about substances. Because he sort of started as like a poet didn't he he was like

he was like an alternative kind of stand up where he used to do poetry and stuff do you know who I'd really like to have seen back in the day go on

at like the comedy star Alexis Hill oh yeah Alexis Hill genuinely one of the most interesting people of his time

and he never really massively sold out apart from the adverts and stuff he did in his time. And he never really massively sold out, apart from the adverts and stuff he did in the voiceovers, like he never really massively sold out and became a comfortable kind of presence. He never became like a household name, I think it's fair to say. He was in The Young Ones.

He was in The Young Ones, yeah. He had his own TV show and somebody reminded me of the theme tune to that, his BBC TV show. Alexi Sale, Alexi Sale Alexi Sale we love to hear him swear on the TV who's an ugly bastard

and as fat as he could be A-L-E-X-E-I-S-A-Y-L-E Alexi Sale nice I look back at some of his stuff in the 80s that you can find on YouTube and I don't find it that funny

no but it's exciting but some people are more exciting than funny you think he would be quite sort of like a bit of danger there a bit of an edge sort of like a bit, a bit danger there, a bit of an edge. Yeah,

a bit of edge. Apparently, who was that? I was listening to some podcasts with some interview and, uh, he, Alexis Hill would just go on stage and just go and just like, like,

like recount how, like as many swear words as he could. And it would almost become like lyrical and kind of like the way it sort of go. And it'd be like, actually it wouldn't be shocking after a while it'd actually be quite beautiful you'd probably get desensitised after a while

that's why yeah alright listen should we have some emails let's have some emails okay Luke don't gunge me mate

pipe down Pete I told you never to argue with the customers that was a really good emails thing that sounded a bit like a bit like sort of part the guy who does

It's Christmas! of Slade and part Matt Lucas as George Dawes. Peanuts. Peanuts! Peanuts! Yeah.

Cool. Shall I start with an email? Because I've got one I want to read here from Luke, my namesake, from Billericay. Beautiful Billericay. Beautiful Billericay. In the county of Essex.

Yes. It's about being left-handed. Oh. And you're not left-handed, are you? No. No. Marcus Nuffel-Gramble is left-handed. Is he left-handed?

I believe so, yeah. I, yeah. And people say the most intelligent people are. Do you know what? I think I've said this before on this podcast. Studies in paedophiles, they don't have any stats. They just don't have any studies in paedophiles, they don't have any stats. They just don't have any studies on paedophiles and why they become paedophiles

and how it can be prevented because most scientific studies are funded by commercial interests, basically. But nobody wants to fund a paedophile study because it's just a PR no-no. Yeah. You know, why would you, over like a cancer study

or an asthma study, do paedophilia? And I think one of the only things they know statistically about all paedophiles is they are predominantly left-handed. Really? I think it's only about 60-40, but it's just pathetic that that's the only thing modern science knows about paedophiles is that they are predominantly left-handed. Well, listen, that Luke from Billericay, who is not a paedophile,

make that clear. Have we done a check-up? We can't check all of them. We can't check all the emails. No. He's got a... Email in if you have to. No, don't do that.

Don't do that. He's got a decent email about left-handedness more generally. Okay. He says, wait, let me check my batteries. Shen Kang. Shen Kang. That's got to be a Shenuaua kind of uh area battery surely who knows we saw a vata shop didn't we did we were away where we saw a vata shop we'll have to tweet that

out it said vata the battery experts on it yeah that's crazy on your phone you better tweet it mate because i will i'm glad that i didn't take it on my phone otherwise it'll be my responsibility it'll be lost in the annals of time yeah uh luke says while enjoying the show for many months i've often wished i could contribute and a random encounter has now presented me with the opportunity. While listening to the Luke and Pete show on a long half-cut commute home last night, the final leg of my train route was rudely

interrupted by a goddamn bus replacement service. No one wants that. Ain't nobody got time for that. I ain't got no time for no bus replacement. Where the hell's the stand? I know where the train is. I know where I pick up the train, but then you go outside the thing,

you got to go down the road, and then you see the bus stops, always got something on the top of it saying rail replacement. Is it the one going left? Is it the one going right? Fuck you. Alexi Sale there, ladies and gentlemen.

Alexi Sale. Ain't nobody got time for that. I thought somebody was barbecuing. Luke says, as I approached the substitute vessel nice way of putting it I paused your whimsical musings for a moment hearing the clipboard clad woman in charge of the bus

telling a young man in a hoodie and glasses he had to wait until all passengers on foot boarded before he was allowed to bring on his bicycle as I was the last person she turned to the innocent looking fella and said on you get and standing on the busy bus next to him and full of bourbon joy I wisecracked about the discrimination i'd witnessed and joked it was a

disgrace that he wasn't allowed on until the end of the um yeah right the wide-eyed slightly odd but as it turned out strangely intelligent chap then hit back with not nearly as discriminatory as being left-handed i was puzzled what are you on about I asked during our 15 minute ride he absolutely showered me with facts and folk tales around the life of a lefty it was well past midnight

and I promise you this guy just reeled these out he regaled me with the following now I don't know I know some of these are true because I looked some of them up but I can't look all of them up

I didn't have time I'm not getting paid for this so I'm not doing all that I'm reading them as he says them if they're untrue email in hello at lukeandpeacher.com and take issue with it by all means.

But the following is what's listed here. Left-handed people are five times more likely to die in an accident, often due to difficulties using right-handed equipment. Whoa! Left-handed people have a higher risk of developing schizophrenia and dyslexia, something to do with brain asymmetry. There was a castle in Scotland in which the spiral staircase was built anti-clockwise, so left-handed soldiers

from all around Britain were sent there to defend it. We know about that, don't we? And it was all down to whether the king was left-handed or right-handed. Right, there we go. Since the invention of television there have been more left-handed presidents, because he said when left-handed people wave on TV to the average right-handed person, they look right-handed, so instinctually

we like them more. I don't know what that means. Nearly all Simpsons characters are left-handed, apparently, and somewhere in there he told me the Latin word for left means evil. Now, I looked that up, and that is true. Manus Sinistra is left-handed in Latin, and it also translates to sinister hand. Nice. I like that one.

The left-handed Simpsons thing, I mean, why was Ned Flanders always going out of business? Because he had a left-handed shop, didn't he? Yeah, he did. Was it a left-poreum or left-oreum or something like that one. The left-handed Simpsons thing. I mean, why was Ned Flanders always going out of business? Because he had a left-handed shop, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He had a left-poreum, a left-oreum, something like that. Anyway, Luke just finishes by saying, writing it all out, I know this might seem like a very weird journey,

but this guy honestly knew all this and was more than happy to share it with me as I spurred him on at my inquisitive side, now fuelled by hours of Luke and Pete shows. Yes. Hopefully it's all of some interest to you guys, and maybe your left-handed listeners can shed further light on the subject.

Thank you for making many early mornings and late night commutes so enjoyable. Keep up the good work. So, yeah, if you are left-handed or you've got any left-handed stuff, do get in touch. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. He's got a PS to the email as well here saying,

Luke's rendition of Criticise many episodes back was a highlight of mine and it reminded me when Alexander O'Neill once did a live gig at a country club I used to work at. He borrowed my phone charger and never gave it back. Oh, the rapper subtitle used my friend's step-down converter for his laptop charger. Right. Which seems strange, because why would you need a step-down converter for a laptop charger?

Well, if he's American, it'll be because the Americans electronic stuff is only gauge to use like 120 amps I understand how a step-down could be the worst but most laptop chargers it doesn't really matter because they've got the converter inside them I think

You've got the converter inside them but yeah you never grow it back. Infurion Can I just follow up well listen that's a great that's a great seem to mine as well. Have you been let down by a celebrity? Yeah.

Has subtitle ever stolen your anyone? Any rapper? Just quickly before we move on from this, I did some reading off the back of this

email from Luke because I enjoyed it and according to something I read in New Scientist, health problems that come along through left-handedness.

Left-handed men are more likely to suffer from heart disease and left-handed women are more likely to suffer from heart disease, and left-handed women are more likely to develop breast cancer, for example. They could be eliminated by natural selection, but because left-handed people enjoy an advantage in fighting and athletic skill,

they are, in turn, more likely to reproduce historically. So that's why it's not gone anywhere. I didn't realise it was... Because you can train yourself out of it, can't you? That's what they used to do at school. My ex-girlfriend's father said that when he was left-handed, he used to get smacked with a ruler on his hand to stop him using it. Terrible stuff. Terrible stuff.

Mind you, what they're trying to do is... Really, what they're trying to do in that school is trying to increase his life expectancy, really. I mean, it must be genetic. It must be like you have a particular propensity for using one or the other. Yeah. It's like your brain just goes... Also, when I was researching this,

I also read that people who are genuinely ambidextrous with either hands or feet, it's actually a lot more rare than you think. And when people who are good, say footballers who are good with both feet. Just training. Sometimes you'll hear, I remember playing football with a guy who was brilliant

and he had two really great feet. And I used to say to him, what are you, are you left or right? And he would say, I don't know. I think that's bullshit. I reckon he probably does know. He's just trying to sound better than he is because genuine instances of ambidext,

um, whatever it would be, ambidexterity or whatever are very rare. I'm all right. I mean, you know, when you see someone who you've never seen draw before and you assume that they,

you know, you assume that everyone can just draw a little bit. I just draw a little thing. I'm terrible. And I can, and I can draw a little bit. They just draw little things. Of course. I'm terrible at drawing. And I can draw a little bit, but look at the way I hold my pen. Yeah. Like, they try to teach me to use it properly.

Like a frozen sausage. I do hold it like a frozen sausage. But they always taught me to try and, you know, do it properly. But I always used to do it a very different way. And they never managed to train it out of me because I just found it so much easier doing it my way. Can you do anything

with your left hand? No. So I can do mirror writing with my left hand. Oh. What do you mean? So I'll show you. Pass me your pen

and a piece of paper so you can see what I mean. So like, I can only, I can write a bit with my left hand but I can only write backwards. So like that.

That's so weird. I mean, yeah. Exactly. It's exactly the same method. Right. So what my. That's so weird. I mean, yeah. Exactly. It's a bit exactly the same method. Right. What my left feels like it's doing is

completely mimicking my right. Right. So if you watch, it doesn't look as good, but it's exactly the same time and movement.

Look, watch. That is a bit spooky. Yeah, there you go. It's not impressive. It's not impressive. It's quite impressive. I ain't never seen that before.

It's got no skill. I got time for that. No use for it. Go on, do another email, Peter. All right, then. Hello to... Oh, you've read that one out last week, for crying out loud. Unbelievable.

Update your notes, mister. Ross Ballatine. Okay. In Boston. A ballatine of chicken. Name and location free for you, he says. Thank you very much, Ross. Hiya, Luke and Pete Shaw.

May have missed the boat with this entry, but I've got a story about my first time calling 999. Despite living in Boston now, this happened when I was a teenager, growing up in suburban Northern California, about a 90-minute drive south of San Francisco. It'd be 911, wouldn't it, Pete? Good point. Must be. He must mean 911.

Yeah. Excuse me. Oh, mirror writing. My otherwise lovely neighbourhood was located just down the road from a county juvenile detention centre. It was secluded and set back from the main road, but it did mean a frequent flow of sheriff's vehicles around the place. Anyway, I was about 15 or 16 when I was rudely awoken at about 2am by shouting, and what, even at that age, I knew was drunk and singing from just outside my window. I woke up and on my blinds see a man about my age

in the brown juvenile detention centre jumpsuit stumbling about. I thought I'd be resourceful and put in a call to the authorities only to become extremely anxious slash nervous immediately after placing the call. I'd only just managed to give them my name and address before I proceeded to vomit all over my bed from the nerves that had washed over me, meaning that without thinking, I hung up on my very first 911 call.

That's so odd. That's such an odd reaction. You're not in trouble. With little knowledge of the technology of my iPhone, I deleted the call history and hoped nothing came of it. I didn't hear any sirens or any commotion for the rest of the night, so God knows where the escapee ended up. Incredible.

Why would you feel so nervous about it? Well, you feel like you're sort of bothering people and also you'd be scared of retribution from a drunken teenager who's in juvie. But if you are going to get pissed after you've broken out of a juvenile detention centre, don't wear your bloody jumpsuit. It reminds me of that scene in The Wire where Bodhi just walks out.

Remember that? You seen that? I don't recall it exactly, but... We had... He gets sent to whatever they call it their juvie right and I think he just walks out

of the corridor there's so many kids there yeah he just he sees like a mopping bucket so he just starts mopping up pretending he's working there he just gets closer

and closer to the exit just walks out and no one stops him can I also say before we move on from the email and correspondence section a lot of people have been in touch about the Stoma email from last week.

I bet they have. And they're sickened. They are sickened by it. Aroused. And I did try and tell you that, one, we shouldn't do it, and two, I tried to give a warning. You wouldn't even let me give a warning before it. So do you have anything to say to the people who religiously

and committedly download this podcast twice a week? If you're going to fuck a hole in the stomach, use a condom. You ain't going to give anyone HPV or herpes or anything like that, alright? Safety first, guys, alright? Rubber up. Rubber up before you fuck that tum-tum. It's not what I was after.

No. But I think you saw it coming, though. Mark Chilton was in touch. Yeah, it was. Mark Chilton was in touch yeah it was Mark Chilton was in touch on Twitter saying that remember a year not years ago but months ago

we were talking a bit about big Duncan Bannatyne you are quietly obsessed with Duncan Bannatyne I don't get it I quite like him I get texts every now and again

from Bannatyne gyms do you there's one in Russell Square and it's genuinely dreadful when I say I quite like him it smells of old meat I mean that he's that he's like I just think he's Valentine's Day. a lad, a bit of a ladies man. I just quite like his character. And anyway, Mark Chilton got in touch on Twitter saying that we made out that Duncan Valentine gets confused quite easily, which I think is probably true.

And they also point out that Theo Paphitis and the guy whose name I forget who comes along later on in one of the series of Dragon's Den, they look exactly alike. Do they? So there's a good chance that Banners thinks that that's still the same guy so I'd love the idea

of him not talking to him going do you remember when we did this and we did that and the guy's like what are you talking about I love the idea that Banner time

thinks he's in business with someone who's actually someone else which is possible it is possible if there's any way we're going to get rid of Mike Ashley

at Newcastle United just trick him get someone who looks exactly like him it was the guy in second in command he looks a bit like that bloke.

Lee Charlie? Lee Charlie, yeah. I can't think of what he looks like. He looks like an egg with glasses. Speaking of older men who think

they're jack of lads, can we talk about Paul Hollywood's little something-something? Oh, Lee Charlie does look a bit like an egg with a pair of glasses on. Yeah, he does, yeah. Yeah, what do you want to talk about Paul Hollywood? little something something. Oh, Lee Charlie does look a bit like an egg with a pair of glasses on.

Yeah, he does, yeah. Yeah, what do you want to talk about Paul Hollywood? Just that quote that was kicking around on WhatsApp for a little while. It's not great, is it? He's 55.

Yes, he is. He looks good. He doesn't look good. He's a sexy man, housewife's favourite. You know, he looks like a sexual being, let's say.

He looks like a suntanned bollock is what he looks like. Nah, he looks good. He looks like a suntan bollock, is what he looks like. Nah, he looks good. He looks good. You like the salt and pepper hair? I'm hoping to acquire some very soon. You are starting to acquire it. I noticed it last week.

I only got it at the beard, mate. Yeah. So, do you want to tell people the story in case they haven't seen it? He's going out with a 22-year-old. Someone like that, yeah. And I think it is actually 22. Right. He was quoted as saying...

No, she said it on her Instagram post. Oh, she did not. She did. She's part of this. She said it. She said, Paul Hollywood has turned me from girl to woman or something like that.

And it was odd. Girl to woman. It was something like that. It was odd. With his frosting. Yeah. Fucking obse. I like to think that he baked a cake.

Two cakes. One, which you know you get those birthday cakes that spell out something. And the first cake spelt girl, and the second cake spelt woman. And he took them into the living room where she was, and he went, see that one, pointed at the one that said girl, and he just punched it. Smashed it all up. See you later.

He said, you're not eating that anymore. That's going to be in a trifle later. He pulled the woman over and went, there you go, have a slice of that. Have a slice of womanhood that's what happened I do you reckon and then Duncan Bads on camera and went

I'll eat any cake I will eat any cake me do you reckon he ever like the naughty baker in Viz yeah

he ever made a life-sized woman cake and fucked it come on Donnie buttery biscuit base. Yeah. That's Greg Wallace.

Now, speaking of eggs with glasses. Eggs with glasses, yeah. Notable eggs everywhere. Oh, we should make a hall of fame.

Hall of egg. We should get, listen, BBC will commission this, Charnley, Perfetus, Wallace, the other guy on

Dragon's Den whose name I can't remember. Egg Den. Egg Den. Eggs Den. Eggs Den. Eggs Den, mate. And what you have to do is, they haven't got the money on the side of the table.

They've got like egg, an egg and an egg cup. Yeah. Right. And if they... Smash it. Instead of saying, I want to invest in this egg related business. All the businesses have got to be egg related. They don't say, I'm in.

They grab the egg cup and they take a knife and they slowly just start slicing the top of the egg off, get a soldier baked by Paul Hollywood and dip it in and start eating it. And that's how you know they want to invest in your egg related business. Oh right, okay, I thought you were going to go, they put it in a pan and if it sinks it's rotten. If they don't want to invest

they shout, no egg! And grab a raw egg and smash it on their own head they've mugged themselves off there to be honest the BBC will commission that I'm telling you well they commissioned a show

I was involved in I think I'm on I think I'm on this week oh no it might have been last week right Men Carter's shall we do a Men Carter I've got a great Men Carter

I'm desperate to do beautiful let's's do it there we go let there be justice for all let there be eggs for all let there be this for all and one small step

for man egg say simply very simply with hope Good morning Egg! Egg!

This is a natural progression to this show. In a year's time, we're just going to be sat around going, Egg! Egg! And people are going to love it. So this is a man who, so this has come from Olly CJ. Cheers, Olly CJ. Sorry, do you mind if I do a main card?

I know you've got one lined up. No, I think this should be our main card. This should be the piece de resistance of the show. But you can do, maybe you do one next week or something. Yeah, baby. Yeah, so this is from Olly CJ. And it's about a man. It's nothing about eggs.

It's about a man who accidentally put his head in a functioning particle accelerator. Wow. You like that? Yes. So Oli picks up the story, and I will read it as per his email. Is this like a suicide connected to my jumping in the Turkmenistan burning hall? It's not a suicide, Pete. It's a man called, let me find his name Anatoly sorry

Anatoly Bergorski who you will be stunned to know is still alive wow allow Ollie to pick up the story

not the sharpest egg in the egg box I'd imagine right now not yeah it's hard to know why his egg didn't crack dear Luke and Pete long time listener

since the heady days of Luke and Pete's summer but first time writer I stumbled across the story of russian scientist anatoly bergorski recently i thought you might be interested anatoly was undertaking some maintenance on the soviet synchrotron particle accelerator which was an earlier precursor to today's large hadron collider at cern the u70 synchrotron held the world record in beam energy at the time of its manufacture in 1970, smashing together proton beams, 70 giga electron volts,

which is a lot. It's a lot of volts. Not the volts that will kill you, though. No. Tamps. Yeah, well, he's not dead. Stop pretending he's dead. This being 70s Soviet Russia, safety was not high on the agenda,

and as Anatoly stuck his head into the accelerator, he was accidentally shot in the head with the beam. Wow. To be fair, there was a safety system in place. I looked it up, but it failed. He described it as the light of a thousand suns, but he experienced no pain and was widely believed to have experienced a fatal radiation dose.

He survived, however, with the beam burning through his face and causing some skin peeling. One side of his face gradually paralysed and stayed oddly preserved, and he lost one side of his hearing, but he went on to complete his PhD, presumably in particle physics. That's a fail for me. Yeah. One half of your face has passed.

According to the story, just to pick it up from Ollie, the left half of Bergorski's face swelled up beyond recognition and over the next several days started peeling off, revealing the path that the proton beam, moving quite close to the speed of light, had burned through parts of his face, his bone, and his brain tissue. Wow. As it was believed, this is the weirdest

bit, as it was believed that he had received a far in excess fatal dose of radiation, he was instantly transferred to a clinic in Moscow where doctors could observe his expected demise. However, he survived, and there was virtually no damage to his intellectual capacity, and he lives

to this day. Maybe it might have improved it. A man has had a particle beam smashed through his entire head. He deserves to be in Mankata. I think so, yeah. That's why I was anxious to include it. He's not manning any of the safety features though of the Mankata. No. If anything he should

be doing something a lot more safe. Shouldn't he? I mean he's done his time. Incredible that, isn't it? Were you pot running around in the email box for this because I didn't give you this one no I think it came in quite late before we recorded

so you wouldn't have seen it oh I see right I think it came in let me just double check but I'm fairly certain it came in yeah it came in like late on beautiful

so you know a message to anyone you might we record this on it doesn't matter when we record this no forget about that but you could be you could be,

you could be email at any point and we could get it in. Right? Yeah. We could jam it in. We can, we can play with the rules.

Like a spoon and an egg. We create the rules. Yeah. So if you've got any egg related stories, Egg! Any bold men you don't trust,

any ideas for egg related TV shows, Red Dwarf. Egg Dwarf. Egg Dwarf. Red Egg do get in touch with

eggs at lukeandpeach.com Smeg feed that's another joke from Red Dwarf hello at eggandpeach.com

or hello at lukeandeggshow.com no I'm only joking it's hello at lukeandpeach.com and we'd love to hear from you that's it from us

for another week but we will be back on Monday and we look forward to seeing you then. Pete, it's been a pleasure, my friend.

I'll see you later, yeah. Outro Music