The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 61: There's a toad in my suitcase, what am I gonna do?

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

This time around we delight in some truly embarrassing school stories, including possibly the worst threat of violence ever and an ill-advised Nazi-themed tactic to impress a girl, we deliver a couple of well-overdue Duncan Bannatyne updates (one of which the doesn't show the big man in the best light) and we hear of a particularly hardy South African toad.Elsewhere, Luke's been to Munich, and in an unrelated issue there's a bit on everyone's favourite rodent - the humble (and massive) capybara.Why not share in this nonsense? [e-mail] to become an accomplice!***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How you doing? It's Pete and Luke on the Luke and Pete Show. Heyo, Monday. Number 61. We're nearly going to be at 69. What are we going to do on that episode? Touch each other. Well.

With our mouths. Yeah, that's it. What are we going to do on that episode? Touch each other. Well. With our mouths. Yeah, that's it. Got there in the end, didn't we? How have you been, Luke? You all right? I've been okay, thank you. Yeah, nothing too bad. I was feeling very sleepy, and I drank two, actually two coffees,

one of which had three shots of ethyl in, and I still felt very sleepy, but then I had a slice of cake. I bought you a cup of coffee earlier as well. A little after cake. Are you not including that? That was one of my two coffees. Oh, okay. Well, I didn't put three shots in it.

No, somebody else did. It was at Starbucks as I started. How's your weekend been, Peter? Been all right, mate. Enjoyed a little bit of, a couple of birthdays. I've got a birthday, and then a couple of people I know had a birthday,

so it was all a big celebration. One of my friends is quite precious about his birthday. He thinks that people should be really into it. I hate that now. I can't be dealing with that. People have week-long birthdays. That's almost a deal-breaker for me when it comes to friendship. Crazy, isn't it?

I can't be having it. One day a year, I open my Facebook page so people can write on my wall and I close it down. Yeah. Because otherwise, you find people messaging you going, why can't I write on your wall? Is this something you don't like me?

Or something? Yeah. And the answer is almost always yes. Definitely. I don't like people who make a fuss of their birthday in adulthood. I can't be dealing with that at all.

No. Not for me. Last time around, we heard about your trip to the US and that horrific Airbnb story, which could have been... So spooky. I mean, thinking about it now, it's the start of a plodding, middling horror movie, isn't it?

Yeah, I got home really late. Everybody else stayed out, but I got home. Oh, we went to a weird... It was a talent show going on in like the middle of nowhere and this town was so spooky and quiet what was the town

name and shame it it was Abilene oh you said already yeah and it was really spooky and small and we went to

a talent show it was like a kind of like a not quite a club but like a you know like a Connie club in like

a really small town like a conservative club oh yeah yeah small town, like a conservative club. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a work-amendment club. Work-amendment club. So basically it was like the entertainment was like an MC and a karaoke competition, and there was only three or four entrants, and the winner won a cruise.

It didn't say where the cruise was. I suspect it wasn't extensive. No. But these people got up and you know lovely people you know sought the earth but it was just

so weird to sort of walk in because you know we just weren't the sort of people you saw but the thing is

Pete I've looked up Abilene and there's like 200,000 people living there yeah so it's not like a one horse town is it

it's very small unless that's some sort of horse it's very small yeah no but like the centre of town I mean like it's okay and so what's some sort of horse it's very small yeah no but like the centre of town I mean like it's

okay and so what was the highlight of the talent show the highlight of the talent show was a man called Rocky

who looked a bit meth-y if you have to if I had to describe him in one word he would

he sang a rousing rendition of I think Shinedown song and he had a very good voice but yeah, it was great. Very enjoyable. Do it like a Lone Star Lager.

Lone Star Lager, delicious. America's beer game is very strong and we've often said that on this show. In the, I didn't touch the craft most of the time because I was sat next to, I was sat next to one lad who went to his friend or possibly boyfriend, I wasn't sure, but he basically went hey man, I'm just sure, but he basically went,

hey, man, I'm just so glad that you love beer as much as I do. I just like trying all kinds of different brews. And I was like, oh, that's adorable. Yeah, but secretly you were thinking, I hate this man because I hate craft beer. I picked up a brick and chased him around. Well, that's a gamble in that place. That's a gamble. It's a gamble in that part of the world.

You're making friends. It's nice. It's nice. People call it suds quite a lot there. Yeah, do they? There was this guy. It's a gamble in that part of the world. You're making friends. It's nice. It's nice. People call it suds quite a lot there. Yeah, do they? There was this guy. That's nice. There was a guy in Austin,

and he was clearly a homeless kind of man, definitely mentally ill, but he was kind of walking down the street in a crazy way, and I was like, what's this guy up to? What's he going to do? And he went over to a bit of street furniture, like a bit of, you know those little boards that stop people from going places?

You know, the block off walkways, basically. Yeah. It's like two kind of orange things, and then there's a big plastic. Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. I find that really hard to describe. I don't really know what it is. Barrier.

Yeah, barrier. A barrier. There is a word for it. There is a word for it somewhere, but, like, it's a very specific light plastic barrier. But he picked it up with two hands, and I was like, what? He's going to start smashing stuff up.

And then he just went to the front, the middle of the street and just started playing air guitar with it. That is nice. I thought, yes! What song? I don't know. It was air guitar.

Damn. Damn. God damn it. I've been to Munich. I've been to Munich. Have you been to Munich? I've been to Munich on a unlovable stag do and the

cars are all very all the taxis are like not Jags they're really nice Mercedes yeah all the taxis

all the taxis are Mercedes and they drive like maniacs the way I've said I've been to Munich there is like that comedian was it Groucho Marx

who said I've had a great night I mean this isn't it but I have had a great night I have this isn't it but I have had a great night I have been to Munich recently and it was bloody hot my goodness

was it hot how hot was it in Texas it was quite hot Austin was 27 28 yeah so that's Munich was the same roughly about the same

it's a brilliant place I've really enjoyed the Victoria market which is the nice big market there when you went to Munich did you go to the English Garden

no we went to every stinking but it was a stag day wasn't it yeah but the English Garden has got a massive beer garden in the middle of it

oh it's amazing that rings a bell yeah I think I might have gone there it's one of the best parks I've ever been to it's absolutely huge

it's so huge I think it stretches to the next town along and it's incredible and we spent a lot of time there it was great beautiful city. I really enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it. It was a great city to walk around. Was she wearing a dirndl? Is it a dirndl? Yeah, she got straight in there. Because in Texas, I was thinking, what's to stop me

buying some boots and walking around with jeans? About $1,000, if you're saying a lot of the ones I've seen. Very expensive. Well, that's the thing. Munich is obviously

the home of Oktoberfest, although we were there in April. But you can buy dirndls, obviously for the women, and lederhosen for the April. But you can buy dirndls, obviously for the women, and lederhosen for the men. And Mimi bought a dirndl straight away. Why didn't you get involved with lederhosen? Well, I'm about to tell you.

And I don't want to blow my own trumpet, Pete. You know, I'm not that kind of guy. Well, it would be an umpah trumpet, wouldn't it? Yeah, but I thought, I look quite good in lederhosen. It'll suit me. Yeah. Because I'm quite big and blonde. And it'll be like the sound of music or whatever. I know that's Austria

but you get my point you'd look like a villager in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yeah bit like Augustus Gloop what's the cheapest lederhosen you reckon

I could find how much oh it's probably yeah but like it's like going to Edinburgh and buying a kilt that was really stupid

200 euros gee I know you'd buy two of them probably but it's for one day i'm never gonna wear it any other time why not could you could wear it into the office i guess yeah anyway i've missed a trick there i didn't buy any but it was a great time we had a lovely lovely uh lovely time there's a really particular particular highlight just while i'm on the subject

in the english garden they've got this man-made uh river where they've put all these different um features in it. And so it's got fast enough flow so you can actually surf on it. And people surf on it. They surf on the river. And you can, on the bridge right next to it, you can watch people surfing. And everyone queues up in their wetsuits with their surfboards. And they drop in off the riverbank.

And they surf for as long as they can. And then once they come off, the river's really fast flowing, obviously. They eventually climb out again and walk all the way back up and do it again. That's cool. It's really cool. That'll be a really controlled way to learn how to surf. And that's exactly right. And so further down the river, where it's less quick, the flow,

people who aren't as good start to learn, and they build their way up right to the top, where it's really, really fierce. I've always wanted to be... Because you're miles away from the sea in Munich, really. Yeah. Oh, hugely. I want to be one of those people that are on an advert for a cruise

that's got one of those virtual surfing bits. I've done one of those virtual surfing bits at a water park in the US. That was awful. It's really, really hard surfing. Massively. I've only ever bodyboarded, because that's easy. It's up there with snooker for things that look really easy but are dreadfully hard

and yeah so that was a good time I promised people on Thursday Peter Duncan Bannatyne update I mean I'm the only one

enthusiastic about it I've had no emails about it no but I'm pressing on Duncan Bannatyne Egg Den is still in pre-production

might be a few changes to the format but Duncan is considering suing Facebook. This week in Duncan Bannatyne news, this week he's considering suing Facebook for scam... How's that going to go? Yeah, exactly.

Well, he's quite wealthy, Bannatyne. Not as wealthy as Facebook. Well, you wait till I tell you who he's teaming up with to do it. For Facebook, apparently, for scam ads purporting to be in association with him about making money. He might team up with Martin Lewis, moneysavingexpert.com, bought out for hundreds of millions.

Martin Lewis to sue the social media platform. So I'll keep you posted. So shouldn't he be suing the people who put the adverts out? I think it's Facebook for enabling it, allowing it to happen. Enabling it. Yeah. Grow up, Duncan. What don't you like about Duncan Banton? Adverts out. I think it's Facebook for enabling it, allowing it to happen. Enabling it. Yeah.

Grow up, Duncan. What don't you like about Duncan Banton? Let's flip it on you. What a man. Well, I don't know enough about him. There's a great clip of, I was watching this morning, there's a great clip of Alan Sugar about, and it's basically him sort of saying, we might be the market leaders in,

oh, I think I might be a good Alan Sugar. Go on. Hang on, I've lost it again. Hi, I'm Alan Sugar, and we've got computers all over Europe. He doesn't speak like that. He speaks like he's then, though. He's got a Cockney accent. Not back then.

He had a posh accent. He talks like that. Listen, it was a total shambles. It was a load of old tut. All right, OK. You back then. He had a posh accent. He talks like that. Listen, it was a total shambles. It was a load of old tut. You're fired. With regret, you're fired. Hello, I'm Alan Sugar and I sell computers all

around Europe. Now, the thing is we have to sell computers in very different ways in very different countries and this is like pre-EU. He drops his T's a bit more, though. Do it again. Computer. I've got to say, it's computer in a different way.

Everywhere in Spain, Germany, and France. You now just sound like you can't hear properly. You can't hear what you're saying. And we'll stop that then. It was basically a pro-EU, pro-common market advert back in the day from Alan Sugar. I don't know what his feelings are about it now. I was about to say, is Lord Sugar...

I think he must be pro-EU now. Is he? He must be a Remainer. A Remainer? A Remoner, mate. Am I right? Are you Googling, is Alan Sugar a Remainer? I've just typed in Alan Sugar Remainer.

Right. Right. Okay. Lord Sugar says Boris Johnson and Michael Grove should be in prison over Brexit lies. Fair do. I think he's made his feelings quite clear, Pete. Is there not a case for that? Is there not a case for just...

Are you allowed to deceive the public? It's such a way that it's just bullshit. Now you're all about lawsuits. Big Duncan wants to sue Facebook you don't want to know no now you want to team up with Shugsy

Shugnight as long as he doesn't as long as he doesn't sue us I don't care who was the other one who was going to sue us earlier on

sue us yeah I was going to say who was famously to Edmunds oh yeah Edmunds it's always Edmunds all roads lead to Edmunds I want to hit him with a stick

right before we go to emails, Peter, it's that time where you need to prepare your buttons because we are going to have a bloody big ad break. All right. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. I mean, I want to hit him.

I'm not saying that I will hit him. No, I know. It's not a threat. Well, you sort of did say that. You said hands and face is what you said. I said I'd like to do that. I'd like to... We've got a threat. No, I know. Well, you sort of did say that. You said hands and face is what you said. I said I'd like to do that. I'd like to we've got a few emails here, Pete, centred around

school embarrassment. School's out for summer! There's three. At the end of the pieces of paper I printed out for you, I think we should work through them because they're all excellent in my opinion. They're all excellent. So why don't you go first? Yeah, they should be right at the back.

First one's by Paul, second one by Damien, and the third one by Dave. Is this embarrassing yourself at school? Yeah, mostly, yeah. All right, so the first one's by Paul. Yeah, why don't I go first while you're sorting yourself out.

This one's from Paul. All right, Paul. It says, Hi chaps, before telling you how I embarrassed myself, a bit of context is needed. I'm from a rough area of Stockport just outside of Manchester.

Where the hat museum is and when i was young almost every conversation was about fighting in some way i'm a non-threatening man good for you but i was even softer as a kid and often referred to as a squealer due to my tendency to cry whenever there was a confrontation fuck me that's hot. Fast forward to year 10. So for those not listening from the UK, it's about 14, 15. And I'm outside the music room talking to a girl that I liked. She was a year younger and clearly thought I was pretty cool because I played guitar and had long hair.

A year seven lad runs behind me with his mates and throws something small at me before calling me a mosher. Which was quite a 90s insult for someone who liked heavy metal music and had long hair. Mosher, greeble. Yeah. Wanting to prove that I could actually be a tough guy, as well as the sensitive musician type, I decided to stand up to him. What, the year seven? Yeah, that's how I do it. I said, you better fuck off

or I'll hit you, came my response with probably a dozen people looking on. I decided this sounded pretty lame, so with a red face and shaky voice I added, with a pole. Why did he add with a pole? You better fuck off or I'll hit you, with a pole.

Everybody fell about laughing, including the guy I was trying to threaten. I walked away and skipped the next lesson because I couldn't handle the scrutiny. Scrutiny. Mother, it's too much scrutiny. Scrutiny. I can still feel the shame of it physically. Much love, Paul. I mean,

you'd say something cooler than Paul. With a pole. It's like you and Edmonds. Crossbow. You can't say I hit you with a stick. There's a really funny bit in the thick ofbow. You can't say I hit you with a... Hit you with a stick. There's a really funny bit in the thick of it with Julius Nicholson, who's this sort of posh lord, and he's funny,

and everything he says is very sort of plums in the mouth, typical upper middle class, or upper class really, posh-o. Born to rule and born to lead and all that kind of stuff. I don't know if you remember, Pete, but there's a really bit, there's a sort of fierce altercation between him and Malcolm Tucker.

And he was a die-in-the-wall Scottish, gruff Scotsman, obviously. And Malcolm Tucker threatens him. And Julius Nicholson just says, Malcolm, I will strike you. Say that. I will strike you. I will strike you?

Yeah. Wow. Damien from Leeds. Morning, gentlemen. I'm sat typing this on my laptop while my TV is blaring away in the background, whose remote control is powered by some Pound Shop Kodak batteries.

Kodak? Known for their camera equipment, really? Yeah. I mean, they're pretty ubiquitous. You see them every now and again. They've diversified. Right, hello. I've just finished listening to the latest episode

and I thought I'd answer your call for times we have embarrassed ourselves at school. My story may or may not be suitable for the podcast, but will probably be needed to accompanied by a not safe for work warning if read out. So this is not safe for work. But people are going to be listening in headphones, right? Luke and Pete nights.

Nights. Nights. I cannot remember my exact age, but I was in middle school, so somewhere between 9 and 12. After a PE lesson, myself and the rest of the boys in my class were in the changing room. As boys of that age are often wont to do,

we started talking about sex as if we'd had even the slightest exposure beyond holding hands at a school disco. In an attempt to be the proverbial big man, I asked of the wider group, have you ever had a wank? One of my friends responded that yeah, he had, which led to my next question, one which has haunted me for a few

subsequent years. Oh yeah, who with? I don't have many clear memories of my childhood, as my memory was and still is appalling, but I'm confident that one of my classmates bursting into simultaneous laughter will remain tattooed onto my brain forever. Thank you, Demi Friese.

I would say that's a good comeback. Yeah. Who with? Yeah. Unfortunately, I don't understand what they're talking about. No, exactly. That's the problem. Yeah.

Who with? Pete, can I just, something that's sort of just blown me absolutely sideways, and I really feel like I need to mention it to you. I've just received an email about Duncan Bannatyne while we're recording the show. This is not an up-to-the-minute Duncan Bannatyne update show. All right.

Duncan Ramble. What's going on? What have you got? This is from Dan in Kuala Lumpur. He emailed it in 24 minutes ago, and I've just noticed it. He said, listen from the beginning. Hang on, what time is it in Kale? I don't know.

24. He must be ahead. He said, listen from the beginning. Hang on, what time is it in Kale? I don't know. 24, he must be ahead. He must be six, seven hours ahead. What time is it in Kuala Lumpur? The time in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, is 23.43. It's quarter to 12, that's fine. At night? Yes. He says, listen from the beginning, but first time emailer.

Batteries, bog standard Panasonic. I know I'm very out of date with this, but just thought I'd weigh in with a Duncan Bannertine story. Time emailer. Batteries. Bog Standard Panasonic. I know I'm very out of date with this, but just thought I'd weigh in with a Duncan Bannatyne story. Whoa. You got a Duncan Bannatyne jingle or something there you want to use, probably? Duncan Bannatyne. No.

No. None of that. No, nothing. Nothing. My aunt and uncle got married a few years ago at one of Mr. Bannine's hotel and spas they had a great day planned and all was running smoothly then around 7 p.m food stopped coming out of the kitchen half the service that staff disappeared and an area we were previously going to occupy was shut off this obviously caused a bit of angst and confusion from various people involved and some investigation took place. The reason for all this happening was eventually found in the dining room

where the great man himself had turned up with ten friends unannounced and were having a massive meal with the throng of waiting staff around them. Ever since then I can't stand the man. Co-opted by Bannatyne. Annexed. I thought it might be a story where they double-booked.

What, with Duncan himself involved? DB. What more could you want different than DB? We've got another school. I think that was a worthy distraction. I think it was a worthy interjection. Thank you from KL. A Duncan Bantine story from the Coalface.

Yes, please. Right, this is the final embarrassment story, school embarrassment story. Okay. From Dave from Oxford. Hello, Luke and Pete. Prompted by the episode 57 story from embarrassment story from Dave from Oxford hello Luke and Pete prompted by the episode 57 story from Robbie about embarrassing stories

from school I think that might have been the famous insect day do you remember insect slash insect yeah when he confused insect day with insect day

he says I thought Dave says I thought I'd write in with one that immediately sprang to mind much like the story about misunderstanding insect oh it is insect and insect days

I too experienced announcing something confidently in front of the class and ending up looking like a right mug. The scene was my year six history class. We're talking ten, eleven years old. As we were sat in alphabetical order rather than with your mates, I was next to my first crush. Yes! Yes!

Nothing more exciting. As a shy eleven year old with absolutely no idea how to make the most of this opportunity to impress her, I had in my mind that I would dazzle her with my intelligence while the teacher was teaching us about Nazi Germany. I mean... Difficult ground. I mean, in 2018.

Difficult ground. Nobody wants to... This is year six, mate. This is probably about 15 years ago. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying in 2018, you don't want to be doing that kind of thing. It's not an area ripe for impressing. It just means you've been on 4chan too long. Unless you're in a

very specific company. When asked how we would react if we had to live in such a time ourselves, I decided to pipe up with the long impassioned monologue about how I'd seen a documentary once about the topic, which included an interview with a German man who had a full Nazi parade passed

by his first floor apartment in the mid-1930s and always regretted that he didn't take the opportunity to save millions of lives later by bombing Hitler's car as he went past waving up at the crowds. He's got a bomb in hand. On reflection, quite how the logistics of this would work,

I'm unsure, but it stuck in my mind as a fascinating anecdote to tell my class, including the girl next to me. The only problem with this was that I somehow failed to consider that as watching Nazi documentaries wasn't my usual choice of

TV viewing, the only place I could have possibly seen this was in the previous week's history class. Cue the whole class pissing themselves laughing as my teacher let me continue this ridiculously unoriginal discussion point right to the end before reminding me where I'd

seen it while thanking me for my efforts. As I turned bright red with the embarrassment sinking in, I couldn't bring myself to look to my left to see how the girl reacted. It's safe to assume she probably thought I was a right dick. She probably still does. All in all, I think the key lesson to learn from this

is that trying to impress girls with historical knowledge is clearly not the way to go. And you're better off keeping your mouth shut in school. I should have kept this in mind during my teenage years, actually, as I went on to do a history degree and can confirm it does no impress the ladies. Oh, that's fantastic. That's very enjoyable. You must have embarrassed yourself in front of a couple of ladies at school back in the day. No, I remember getting my best laugh when I was eight in primary school.

Eight years old. It's never been beaten. Never been beaten. 30 years ago, what did you say? The teacher said something about me, and I went, it's probably because I'm so muscular. And the whole class laughed and laughed and laughed like drains.

They're laughing at you though, aren't they? Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah. Were you actually muscular then? It would be weird to say yes, aren't they? Oh yeah, definitely, yeah. Were you actually muscular then? It would be weird to say yes, wouldn't it? You're quite muscular now. A muscular eight-year-old. It's good.

It's good, isn't it? It's good. It's good. Nice. Have you got any more emails, Peter? Give us one or two, mate, for goodness sake. One more.

All right, one more. I'm doing all the heavy lifting here. One more! I'm going to take a chewing gum out. Have you had chewing gum in the whole time? I did. I needed something to take a chewing gum out. Have you had chewing gum in the whole time? I did. I needed something

to perk me up. I wouldn't even notice. Bad travels in a toad. This is the title of this one. Oh, I like this one. You add in. I like this one. Hi, guys.

My name is Harry. As is tradition, I must tell you that this is my first time emailing in. I'm a long-term listener to The Ramble. What is that podcast?

Never heard of it. And I've recently started listening to this one. This doesn't necessarily pertain to anything you've previously spoken about on the show but i just wanted to ask you and your listeners about the most stressful day of traveling they've ever experienced oh i had one do you want one from me all right i was delayed by 25 hours coming back from poland by easyjet which meant I had to spend a night in a hotel in the middle of nowhere in a smoking room with no money and no food,

and I was massively depressed because it was the end of a stag weekend. That was bad. You must have a couple. Whenever there's been problems like that, it's just always like... I always find it harder to get back from Manchester or Liverpool than it is to get to...

You have those planes, trains, and automobiles type moments where you feel like you're not than it is to get to you have those planes, trains and automobile type moments where you feel like you're not getting anywhere yeah you just feel like well I live here now

I can't get anywhere I'm just going to buy a tent four years ago I spent four years sorry four years ago I spent four months

in Hazyview on the outskirts of the Kruger National Park in South Africa as part of my gap year did we go to the Kruger National Park? We didn't go there

because we were working and then it took us too long to get there. Anyway, the day I want to talk about is my... One of us was eaten by a hippo I meant.

The day I want to talk about is my journey home. It started with a flight from Mpumalanga. Good effort. Mpumalanga. Good effort. International Airport.

Incidentally, the only airport I've ever been to That has a thatched roof Where my flight to Johannesburg Was delayed By some of South Africa's Delightful wildlife Deciding to hang around

On the runway That's excellent That's great isn't it South Africa allows people To stay on a tourist visa For 90 days And I had managed to Overstay this by about 25

As I went to security In Johannesburg This obviously came up On their system As they checked my passport. So I was escorted from the passport checking desk to an interviewing room where I had my passport and boarding passes confiscated

and was told to sit down and was locked in on my own. About 20 minutes passed, two men returned, one carrying my suitcase and another a photocopy of my passport, which he pinned to a corkboard covered in what I can only presume various other fugitives and suspects passport which he pinned to a cork board covered in what i can only presume various other fugitives and suspects passport copies were pinned all very sinister the two men questioned me on why i was in south africa what i've been up to and why i'd overstayed my visit

um i feigned stupidity and claimed ignorance i then received what i would call the most thorough pat down search i've ever received and they somewhat haphazardly and not very thoroughly looked through my suitcase, handed me a £10,000 round fine that they said I'd have to pay at the South American South African Embassy if I wished to return to the country and sent me on my way. That's about £500 I think.

What? That's pricey isn't it? The next 10-12 hours passed with little to no issue. Flying to Heathrow via Amsterdam, landing on time, getting through customs, retrieving my suitcase, and finding my mother at arrivals, who'd driven early that morning from West Wales to pick me up for 9.30am.

We arrived home after a five-hour drive, and my mum, understandably tired, as she'd been on the go-up from about 3.30am and done about ten hours driving, she went back to bed, as did I. About an hour later, I wanted to have a shower, so opened up my, to be honest. A plague on your house, sir.

A plague on your house, sir. You hear stories of people travelling and finding all manner of nasty, creepy crawlies and dangerous creatures in their shoes or under toilet seats. While I did encounter a puff adder, a cobra and a scorpion on my travels out there, I couldn't go two days without trying to put my shoes on and finding a cold rubbery mask stopping my feet or going into the shower in the morning and having a toad in each corner. After about a month, I wised up to this and started putting all my clothes and shoes on shelves

and keeping everything a toad might want to hide in above ground level. And when it came to the week before I flew home, I kept everything I owned off the ground to avoid accidentally smuggling in one of these admittedly cute but rather irritating amphibians home. It didn't work. I opened my suitcase and staring over me was a small brown toad my mind groggy from fatigue takes a good two minutes to figure out what's going on and i only cared to my senses

as it hopped out my bag and under my bookcase dozens of questions were running through my mind how did it get in here there was about 24 hours for me closing my case to opening it how on earth did it survive being in the hold of three separate flights, accumulating about 14 hours of flying, intermittently being thrown around airports, followed by a five-hour drive home? How on earth did the bloke who searched my case not find it or any

of the systems at my airport that I went through? What would have happened had they found it, and how much trouble would I have been in? And most pressingly, what the fuck am I going to do with a frog? Yeah, it's a toad. Toad. It's probably an invasive species, Peter, as well.

Probably, yeah. It might take over all of our toady frog frogs. Dangerous. Might kill the grey squirrels. I can't just... Grey squirrels. I can't just release it into the wild, of course. That's very illegal.

I can't keep it, either. I've got no idea to look after a toad. I should probably kill it, but I'd come to be quite fond of these toads and it seemed churlish to kill a toad that survived that journey. There's a lot of toads in that sentence. After explaining the situation

to a now very grumpy and exhausted mother, she helped me capture in a protein shake bottle said toad and we tried to figure out what to do. While she dripped water on the toad to keep it from drying out, I made some phone calls. I first called the RSPCA, who told me to ring my local vet. I called two closest vets.

They both told us to call the RSPCA. At a loss, I took to the Yellow Pages, and basically I called them, and I got a number for both and a malaria. I explained the situation, and it turned out that they had an amphibian section, and they were happy to help me out and take the toads off my hands, or the toad off my hands. After another hour's drive, we pull up,

and I walk in, and I go to the reception desk with my toad in its bottle, when I was greeted with, oh, are you the toad guy? I took a seat and was shortly greeted by both's amphibian expert. I handed the toad over. He explained it was a very good job.

I decided against keeping the toad. It turns out it was a lady toad. And not only that, she was apparently pregnant. Wow. I could have a load of old toad spawn in my suitcase had I left her in there very much longer. I left her in the expert's capable hands to go through quarantine with a view to her having her own tank as an attraction at the zoo.

I've never returned to Borth Animalarium since, and I have no idea whether Toad or her offspring survived this quarantine, but I would quite like to know, or on the off chance, any of your listeners know what happened to her. Keep up the good work. Harry the Toad Guy. So, have you been to Borth Animalarium? A controversial zoo.

Let us know if there's brown toads left, right and centre. A lot of toads in that email. Getting up in people's grill. Get in touch with us on hello at lukeandpeachshow.com and tell us how many times the word toad was mentioned in that email. How many? Do you remember toadfish from Neighbours? I do, yeah.

He had a brother called Stonefish. Stonefish. Apparently, Borth Wild Animal Kingdom, as it's now known, are banned from keeping Category 1 dangerous animals, including large cats. Can't be trusted. After they accidentally killed a lynx. How did they kill a lynx?

Asphyxiated it by accident, apparently. What do you mean? Getting a chokehold? And a capybara once escaped from there. There's loads of videos online of capybaras just getting on with shit. There's a lovely Twitter thread of capybaras, just animals climbing on them, them just chilling out. They're very sedate animals,

they just go along with anything. That's what you'd expect from the world's largest rodent. Yeah, I know, but you'd think they'd be a bit more flighty,

but they're just like, I don't care, I'm massive, I'm a big weird-nosed thing. Did you once, haven't you spent some time with a capybara in your zoo? Yeah, we had them in the zoo,

they were doing, I did have a lot of fun for them. Were you allowed in the enclosure when you pet them and stuff zoo I did have a lot of fun for them were you allowed in the enclosure when you pet them and stuff I think I struck

one once I can imagine the fur to be quite wiry and almost greasy feeling fibrous like straw

or hair good well listen I think that's the best place to stop talking about toads and capybara

stop talking about toads you idiot before we go get out of here till Thursday, any Stuart Donson update? Have you spoken to him

since you've been back? No. Excellent. That's all I got. He took me out to see Isle of Dogs. They didn't enjoy it, but they're misery guts.

Why didn't they like it? You really enjoyed it, didn't you? Yeah, they're pricks. Didn't you really enjoy it? Yeah, I did. And you're no closer to going on holiday

with your dad no shame he's just silly Billy oh and I know he likes to get up at one in the morning and watch box sets

I've just finished watching Gamora brilliant have you finished the whole thing brilliant I've still got the last one the first

the ending episode theory finish the ending of season 3 mad they are making a season 4 though so we'll see what happens.

Oh, there's only three series. I might get back involved then. But the problem is it's subtitled, so you've really got to commit. You can't have it on the background. I've got an interview with Clive Owen. He's doing a show on Sky.

All right. I've got an interview with Bastille and, oh my God, I've got an interview with Bastille. One of them listens to Football Ramble. What's Clive Owen in next then? I'm going to give him a shout. What?

What's Clive Owen doing next? He's doing to give him a shout what's Clive Owen doing next he's doing something like a Sky series they sent me a link I think I think it went into my spam folder so basically

the interview is going to be me talking to Clive Owen about a spam folder and if he's ever lost an important email in a spam folder why not

let's find out what he says exactly let's get out of here if you want to say hello as always it's really simple

just go to your email device and type in show, no, hello at lukenpeachshow.com. Hello at lukenpeachshow.com is the destination. We look forward to seeing you on Thursday. It's as simple as that. Keep it locked. Leave us a review on iTunes and tell all your pals. Don't say keep it locked. What's wrong with keep it locked?