The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 62: Little Pipples Donaldson

Episode Date: May 10, 2018

This episode contains all the S words: snooker, The Simpsons, and sex education. And speaking of the latter, a listener gets in touch with perhaps the most embarrassing, cringeworthy and awkward situation a young student could find themselves in.And, as is becoming a Luke and Pete Show custom, Pete reveals rather too much information about himself as a child. There's also time to hear from Detective George from Baltimore who gives his top stakeout tips, and we learn about what sounds like the world's best apple. How do you like them apples, huh?To send us apples, [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ah, it's the Luke and Pete show, we're back. We've not recorded one of these for a little while, there was a little gap. But now we're back doing one. I'm Pete, I'm joined by Luke. Have you got any more stories like that, Pete? Yeah, we've got some new mic muffs in that we're not using at the moment. We're using the Football Ramble ones. Yeah.

You want to fight about it? No, I don't. I'll back off my sick bed. People don't want to hear about me being sick. I think they'll tell. There's still a little bit of froth to your voice. Yeah, a little bit. You'll get out of it.

You'll be fine. Someone said to me, actually, they said, you know, Luke, with your voice at the moment, because you've been there, you've got a lot of surface noise on it. I said, listen, pal, life's got surface noise. There was a character in 24 that made a very good point. George. I don't know any of the characters apart from Jack Bauer. It was an older bloke who accidentally got radiation poisoning but didn't tell anyone.

And the only time that anyone found out he had radiation poisoning was that his nose bled on a screen. George something or other. George Dawes. Pe a screen. George something or other. George Dawes. Peanuts. George something in 24. He said, you know, concentrate on your family, concentrate on

people you love. Everything else is just noise. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. And I'm looking back on that. I think that anecdote was

excellent noise. I am Luke Moore. The Luke in the Luke and Pete show. That is the Pete. Pete Donaldson. Boys noise. That's what we, the Luke in the Luke and Pete show. That is the Pete, Pete Donaldson. Boys noise, that's what we are.

Yeah, we are. Come in. Well, actually, we might do a bit about 90s boy bands a bit later or perhaps next week. Come in, welcome,

let yourself in, make yourself at home, feel comfortable. Whether you're sat on the commuter train next to the bloke who won't stop sweating, that's the worst bit.

Sweating's the worst. I rarely travel during rush hour but when I have to in the summer or to stink yeah or whether you're having a run

push yourself for that last mile with Luke and Pete who runs I do because I listen to sorry not text I listen to

speaky speaky podcasts when I'm at the gym but I don't do any running so I can just because you just do 10 of whatever you're doing and then you stop and then you're fine

I think people know what the gym is as a concept up and down 10 yeah there's more where that comes from

up and down 10 that's it do the up and down 10s on any of the machines listen rotate you can spot me anytime Pete

and yeah whatever you're doing is basically what I'm trying to say do come in make yourself at home you're doing is basically what I'm trying to say. Do come in, make yourself at home. You're very welcome here with me and my old pal Pete Donson over there. Recently on the Luke and Pete show, if you've not heard it before,

it's just nonsense, really. Mostly fueled by you, the listener, though. So do get in touch, hello at lukeandpeetshow.com, to have a story or a comment or an idea considered for inclusion on the show. Recently, we have discussed things like South African toads stowing away in people's luggage. Oh yeah, they hid out, didn't they? Embarrassing school stories, including someone threatening

to hit someone else with a pole. Big Duncan Bannatyne news, Pete, which I know gets your juices flowing. Gets me going. The Bo Bedingfield mystery. Any more theories on that?, greatly welcomed. And one that's firmly in your wheelhouse, Pete, as the final example of things we've talked about recently,

phantom men in Airbnbs. Oh, yeah, because the dude just turned up. Happened to you, didn't it? Happened to me, and it could happen to you too. What have you been up to recently, Peter? What have I been up to? We had a lovely bank holiday, so I just got drunk for three days. But it was good, though. I worked on the Sunday night, and I've been up too. We had a lovely bank holiday, so I just got drunk for three days. But it was good, though.

I worked on the Sunday night and I got a car back. I just couldn't be bothered to travel in public transport, so I got an Uber. And the Uber took me through Clapham. Obviously, particularly, I would say, a less than salubrious part of...

Or is it salubrious? I suppose it is quite salubrious. Clapham is massively salubrious. Yeah. But it's quite sort of Sodom and Gomorrah as well. I was there myself on Saturday well when the Uber

travelled through Clapham it was like the last days of Rome crazy isn't it about 10.30pm because it was Bank Holiday the next day and people will not learn

they are crazy they leave foil barbecues everywhere it's insane they were doing it on this Bank Holiday Monday to be honest

not even but I've never understood in Hartlepool weirdly where I'm from the biggest nights and the biggest days out are bank holiday it's the bank holiday um uh Monday everyone gets absolutely toss bagged on uh Monday rather than the Sunday you think they do on a Sunday wouldn't you is it I don't mean this is a licensing restriction no I wasn't even gonna be as fair as that I was gonna say um speaking as a licensing restriction. I wasn't even going to be as fair as that. I was going to say, speaking as a southern man.

Nobody works. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Anyone got a job? That's a bit rude, isn't it? I'm asking the question. I'm not making a statement or a judgment. Why are you asking the question?

It's interesting to know. Do all the Liverpudlians steal car radios? I wouldn't like to comment on that. Yeah, okay. Don't go into Liverpool. That's the last place you're going to go. Mate, just speaking of north, I suppose this isn't really north, but. Don't go near Liverpool. That's the last place you want to go. Mate, just speaking of North, I suppose this isn't really North,

but it's certainly North of here. I went to Sheffield last week for the snooker. I love the snooker. I know you don't, so I don't propose to spend too much time talking about that.

I saw a good shot where a man hit a red ball against a... He hit the red ball to knock another ball in. Yeah. Red ball against red ball. Yeah, it must have been two red balls, isn't it?

It's like being in there with Stephen Hendry, isn't it? It really is. The red ball hit the pocket and it went miles and then it bounced back in a triangle and hit the red one in and everyone agreed it was excellent. I think I might be about to embark upon an impromptu snooker quiz.

Right, okay. How many points is the blue worth in snooker, Pete? The blue is worth seven. Incorrect. The blue is worth seven points. That is correct, actually. Seven points. And who is the player who's won the most amount of world championships?

Jimmy White. No, incorrect. Nigel Mansell. Yes, it is Nigel Mansell. Nigel Mansell, right, okay. And finally, how many points do you get in snooker for if the ball goes off a cushion first and then goes into the pocket?

I don't think you get any more points, do you? Answer the question. It's just the thrill of the skills, isn't it? It's the thrill of the skills. It's the thrills of the skills. No, what has to happen is a lot of people come out and just go, ooh, trick shots. Techers, yeah.

Techers. Anyway, so... Top techers, So you don't get any more points? No. That was a red herring. That was a trick. How many for red herring? Anyway, I'm in Sheffield. Taking my lovely wife to Sheffield. First time she's been there. And you take her to the snooker. She wanted to go.

Is that the Crucible? Yes, it is, yeah. Crucible Theatre. God, the storied Crucible Theatre. Anyway, so the point is we're in Sheffield, okay? I'm with my wife. We're in Sheffield. She sort of comments that it's quite a nice town architecturally. It's quite old and all the rest of it. She's American, so everything seems old.

However, as we're walking down the street towards the Crucible Theatre... Jarvis Cockawatt Pass and went, oh, and then they're just fucking in the street. No. That's Sheffield's Sex City. That's not. The song they did. It's not, no, it's not. They're just fucking. No. You want to carry on with that? I can't remember the lyrics, but it's just all about fucking. Okay. I don't know. I don't

even know if I know the song. I didn't see Jarvis. Right. What I did see, however, was two grown women having a fist fight. Yay! Did anyone's top come down? No. No, but one woman punched another woman in the face and bloodied her. Yay!

So anyway, these two men come along, broke it up, and that was quite a distance in front of us. That's when we were going there. Yeah. As we were walking out... I mean, this is the snooker. People get drunk at the snooker, don't they?

They weren't going to the snooker. They weren't going to the snooker. As we walked... Seven points, punch to the nose. Yeah, that was seven points. Yeah, so you get a break for that. On the way back from the Crucible Theatre, saw a man who had been the victim of some sort of razor blade attack.

Ooh. Fist or arms or legs? Arm. Arm. Someone, there was a razor blade on the floor, and there was blood everywhere, to which my wife turned around to me and said, where have you brought me?

Because she'd been living in London for a year and a half and not seen anything like that. Wow. So Sheffield, dangerous place. They don't call it the steel city for nothing. You live... Razor blades everywhere. You live next to Brixton as well.

I do. Brixton's lovely these days. A lot of weeders back in the day. The most danger you're going to get in Brixton these days is having a sort of slightly undercooked... KFC on the corner. No. I don't know,

a sort of steak or something. Oh, right. Like a... Do you know what? The biggest danger you're going to get is not getting enough... Artisanal barbecue-flecked croissants. I'm struggling there, really.

Not getting enough granola in your granola. I don't know. Is that the fanciest thing you can think of? The point I'm trying to make is it's now quite posh. It is quite posh. Okay. But nice. But posh. Do you remember... I don't miss'm trying to make is it's now quite posh it is quite posh but nice

but posh I don't miss the stabbings in McDonald's but no we talked about that it was the first time I ever saw hard

drugs being taken was in Brixton McDonald's toilet hard drugs the new band yeah alright give me an it's been

it's been I was just your family guy a couple of days ago the one that was on Sunday and they did like a six second talk show

and it's like here's our musical guest the Baird Neck Ladies and he goes it's been and then he does something else ah I love it do you reckon they listen

to the Luke and Pete show yeah I reckon they definitely definitely do I think they probably do yeah I think we might have got a few tweets about that yeah we will done yeah

yeah that must be what it's about it's a popular show I'm not the person to slag off family guy I think it's still quite a few tweets about that. Yeah, we will have done, yeah. Yeah, that must be what it's about. It's a popular show. I'm not the person to slag off Family Guy. I think it's still quite good. I've never really seen it. You've never really seen Family Guy? No. To me, I thought it was just a blatant rip-off of The Simpsons,

or is that something people don't say? It was a more extreme version of The Simpsons. It started getting good when The Simpsons got real bad. So I kind of, it's like the methadone of the old school Simpsons. And what do you think about this whole thing? I'm just dangerous territory. I apologize to listeners in advance. What do you think about the whole Apu Simpsons thing?

Well, in many ways, it's not for either of us to say, being white middle-class men of English heritage. I'm just asking your opinion. You're not talking opinion, are you? I'm not talking opinion on it. No, I think there's a lot of problematic characters in The Simpsons from any person of colour who's... Like the fucking Bumblebee man, for example.

He's a nonsense character. Is he Mexican? Yeah, Mexican bloke. Or certainly Latino, anyway. But yeah, he's problematic. I would argue that Indian and Bangladeshi and that kind of part of the world, they get less visibility

in America because they're not as well represented politically as Latina and Latino populations, which I find very interesting. For example, the bloke in Short Circuit was not Indian. It was a white guy, roundup.

Yeah, that was the 80s, though, wasn't it? I'm not excusing you. I'm just saying we've come a long way since then. Well, for example, we could probably get away with wearing

Native American headdresses here because we just don't have an indigenous population that are Native Americans. We could probably get away with that sort of thing in the same way that... You've got one now.

I've got one now. And in America, obviously, there are fewer South Asian populations. Certainly less representation. It can only get better. So what's likely to happen then? He's going to become

voiced by an Indian actor. Is that what they're saying? I think either way, it's just gone to fire. He could just disappear into the night, but then you've got one less representation of an Indian person who has probably become a lot more rounded character than he used to be back in the day. Because he used to be

like a blatant cliché. Well, because I've seen a lot of, well, not a lot, but a few kind of Indian kids who grew up in convenience stores effectively because their father or mother ran a convenience store they sort of grew up going well you know there weren't that many um people who look like us on television and if you take that away that's even more problematic in a way but i don't i don't know

who wins it was an interesting piece about um isla dogs in the new yorker uh obviously there was a bit of a ferrari the fact that it's's set in Japan, but five of the six main characters, possibly even more, are voiced by big Hollywood actors. Now, I personally understand why they've done that, because it's obviously you need to sell your film right around the

world, and Japan's a very small place. Interestingly, though, whenever someone like, I don't know, Scarlett Hansen plays a modern anime character, like the woman who plays in Ghost in the Shell, though, whenever someone like Scarlett Hansen plays a modern anime character, like the woman who plays in Ghost in the Shell, obviously originally an Asian actor there would be playing that, the Japanese themselves don't give a toss because they don't have a massive idea of race because they're all Japanese.

There aren't any immigrants in Japan, so there aren't really any other faces on television other than Japanese people. So the representation is pretty much 99%. That's interesting. I never really considered that. But Japanese Americans have a big problem with that because obviously there's very little representation

on US television of Japanese, of Chinese, of Korean characters and stuff. And it's characters like Jin Yang in, I think it's Jin Yang in Silicon Valley has obviously taken over the problematic bloke, big tall ginger bloke. You have been compared to him physically. I can't remember his name, but he got the,

he left, I think, under a cloud due to some rather nasty shit he was into. Why have I been compared to him then? Because you look like him a bit. What's he in? He's a tall, beardy kind of chap. He's in Silicon Valley. He's also in Ready Player One as well. Not Tormund Giants, mate, from Game of Thrones?

No, he was accused... Similar kind of build, similar kind of blood. He was accused of a couple of rather unsavoury things and he left under a bit of a cloud. But Jin Yang's kind of taken his place in the narrative, which I quite like. Okay, good. A Chinese character.

There we go. There we go. Let's press on, Pete, with some email, shall we? Yeah. It's about time for the show. Do you want to have a break first? Let's hit a break. Sorry about that serious stuff.

I always get a bit tongue-tied and a bit confused. And I always start stories in the middle when I shouldn't. Especially around girls. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Did you write down the date and the time of that ad break for me? I did, yes.

I wrote it down because we're a team. I always say this, and so do you, Pete, but it genuinely is true. The quality of emails we are getting on this show now has never been higher. And, you know know the number of them is astonishingly high as well astronomical it is and i think if you if you'll let me pete if i may be so bold i would quite like to start the email section this time around because we have heard more from george the baltimore detective lovely probably got a jingle from there have you lined up there we go george that's your jingle for him there. Have you lined up?

There we go, George. That's your jingle for now. A bit of cross-pollination. And to be honest, it refers to an illness. George is, as far as we know, George is very healthy. No, well, he ate something bad, didn't he? Oh, that's a good point, actually. You're giving the spoiler away, yeah?

George says, hey, guys. Now, for those of you who don't remember, George was the guy who got in touch, having a pop at an attorney in his capacity as a drug detective on the streets of Baltimore. He says, Hey guys, thanks for the kind words and glad I could brighten episode 59 with my squire level knowledge of international chain of

custody procedures. Pete seems sceptical of my credentials as a knocker in Charm City. Charm City! Charm City! Good nickname for a city that. I didn't realise knocker meant policeman. It's a kind of knocking on people's doors and going, Oi, oi. I think...

Let's be avenue. Doesn't it? I might be wrong here, but does it come from the acronym NARC? NARCA. NARCA. NARCA. That's the drug division. It is in the drug division.

Eh, okay. Speaking of the Charm City, Pete, would you like a little, again, another impromptu quiz, a little US city nickname quiz? Okay. Go, okay. Bearing in mind that I received, or we received an email about British flags,

or rather Union Jack appearing in flags around the US, and I didn't include it because I thought the quiz was too hard. Baton Rouge. Oh, I saw that one. Includes that, which I didn't really see coming. That is interesting. Thank you to the person who sent that in. I'll give you the city and you give me the nickname.

I'll start off with an easy one. New York City. The Big Apple. Correct. Chicago. Chicago. I know someone who bought for Christmas, like gave his girlfriend an apple, like a big apple.

Yeah. As a euphemism for taking her to New York. Yeah. But they just thought they were getting an apple. They said, oh, it's lovely. Thanks. See, he could have got away with just buying the apple. I'll tuck straight in.

Yeah. Number two, the Windy City. I've just given you the fucking answer. Sorry, I gave you the answer there. Is it Chicago? Yeah. Philadelphia. You won't get this one.

Philadelphia, yeah. The city of brotherly love. How do you know that? The Simpsons. Are you being serious? Yeah. All right. New Orleans.

The Big Easy. Correct. Am I about to get a clean sweep? How many more have you got? A few. Boston. Boston. Boston. Boston.

Where we say words funny. No. Where. There's no where in it. Where all the depressing films are set. Correct. Yay. No, it's Beantown.

Beantown. What's that about? Seattle. That sounds a bit awful. Seattle. Seattle. Toss salads and scrambled eggs. Correct.

No, it's the Emerald City. Emerald City. I'll leave you with this one, and if you get this one, I'll give you it, because you've been there. Right. Denver. Denver.

The last dinosaur. Home of the Broncos. No, I should know this, shouldn't I? Denver. You should. What have they got on their... Yeah, yeah. I think it's just Broncos. No, I should know this, shouldn't I? Denver. What have they got on there? Yeah, yeah. I think it's just Broncos.

No, no idea. Mile High City. The Mile High City. That's what I'm making on repeat. And I was like, shut up. Let's go back to Baltimore, the Charm City. Courtesy of George, the Baltimore Detector. Charm City.

He says, I can assure you I am a knocker. I did cultivate this dark soul prowling the sad streets of baltimore for a couple of decades your questions about where to search or how to avoid detection on surveillance knockers in the knickers yeah are sexy things to ask that's a couple of questions pete hadford yours last time he went in but for good police work to happen pete the basic need must first be addressed oh prolonged surveillances usually mean crappy food and a shit ton of coffee, since whatever goes in eventually comes out.

Using the bathroom is the main challenge of the drug detective. A wide-mouthed, resealable bottle is preferred for obvious reasons. I'm part of the Gatorade bottles myself because electrolytes. But doing number two offers its own set of challenges. Any rookie can piss in a bottle while seated in their car. Veterans can do the same while driving hell-bent for leather. Only true professionals can handle the brown stuff on the move. Oh, no.

You didn't do that in a Gatorade bottle, did you? No, I hope not. That's way too thin, Nick. Well, you're about to find out. I take a fair bit of pride in recounting this story, mostly because spending any amount of time working in Baltimore destroys your ability to feel shame. Once I found myself in a perfect position of a protracted surveillance of a rather difficult to track desperado. About two hours in, the call of nature

was overpowering. Unfortunately, my position was such I could not exit my vehicle or leave the area without compromising the case. So with the aid of a couple of dozen sheets of notebook paper and copious amounts of duct tape i constructed a small bowl i then proceeded to expel the chipotle that seemed like a good idea a few hours before and while i don't advocate littering i chose this misdemeanor over keeping this bowl full of shame on my floorboard i hope this proves educational because even those outside of law enforcement could easily find themselves in a code brown situation and it never hurts to be prepared. Wow, so you made a ball

out of knots and duct tape. Two things we've probably got in this office. Yeah, so let's get creating. Pete, what would we... Could he have taped it up? Could he have squeezed the ball into a catcher's mitt kind of configuration

and then taped it up and then put it in the glove box for later instead of littering? Don't forget about it. I'm asking, George. Don't forget about it. I mean, you slag off the city of... What is it?

Charm City. Yeah. Say it's depressing and stuff, but I mean, you're flinging literal balls of shit out your window, mate. What are you doing to make it better, George? Apart from all those felons you're taking off the street.

I think that's a crime, George. I chose this misdemeanor over keeping this bowl full of shame in my car. Pete, what do you think would transpire if you and I were detective partners and we had to do stakeouts? I'd instantly shoot myself and you through the calf.

I'd just be eating. I'd be to do stakeouts. I'd instantly shoot myself and WU through the calf. I'd just be eating. I'd be eating the whole time. I'd do like a donut though. I think I'd probably be of a similar heft if we both went down the donut route. I think you'd be shitting in a makeshift bar for about 10 minutes knowing you're bowed. Well, my issue

is, as discussed on this podcast, is that I don't always do a shit. So, in many ways, I'm the perfect stakeout. Oh, yeah. Good point. Another stakeout with Pete Donaldson. A bit of Luke and Pete show trivia for everyone listening at home. Fantastic story, this. And Pete will deny it and try and pretend,

no, it's not a big deal. But in the year 2012, Pete was only able to pass a stall three times in total in the calendar year yep came out my eyes and it was disgusting incredible

it's like a mop-a-top hair shop came out my hair incredible constipation yeah Pete do you want to do an email now? alright then I will hi look at Pete this is from Alex

just finished listening to episode 57 where you talked about embarrassing things that happened at school and immediately I had a vivid and rather painful flashback to a sex ed class. Now, obviously sex education is going to be one of those classes that leads to extreme embarrassment one way or the other,

but what made this worse was the fact that our normal teacher was ill and so another teacher was filling in. The other teacher who was filling in, the substitute teacher, was my mother. My goodness me. What followed was the most cringeworthy and traumatising hour where my classmates asked her all manner of sexual questions which she answered with personal anecdotes about, you guessed it, me.

The class finished with her drawing my birth on the board and labelling the head coming out of the vagina with my name or rather the nickname that her and my dad called me which was rather highly embarrassing and not for public consumption. Oh, tell us what it is. I know! It doesn't make any sense otherwise. Alex! Yeah, because if the teacher's calling it something really weird, like

Little Pipples or something, that is a very personal and strange name that you wouldn't want repeated. I think it was Little Pipples. Little Pipples. I say Little Pipples because that's what my mom and dad used to call my penis when i was a child did they a pip did they a pip that was the name of my very strange little pip is that well is that like a well-known i remember i used to go

have to go to hospital quite a lot oh here we go uh because i had asthma and i remember i was about six and i stood up in the bath i was being bathed by a nurse and i up in the bath. I was being bathed by a nurse and I stood up in the bath with a full erection. Can I just say, I knew where this was going. You sort of go, oh, that's a memory I've got. I remember the nurse laughing

because this child had an erection. Yeah. Yeah. Still did the deed, I didn't know. Still fucking performed, didn't I I knew

I knew where this was going when you basically the words uttered were I had to go to the hospital all the time I knew that was going to end in something to do with

your appendage yeah I knew it was can we get her on that nurse she's probably yeah the thing is she was

one of the younger nurses can we get Alex's mum to give her sex education point at that's the pip that's the pip when the pip goes. Can we get Alex's mum to give us sex education? That's the pip. That's the pip. When the pip goes in the foof. Alex, you are going to have to tell us what the name was for your little head.

Your little baby's head. Little baby's head. All joking aside, can you say, I mean... All joking aside, getting a wrecked in front of a complete stranger is an illegal act. It doesn't matter how old you are. I've heard you pay to do that before. Imagine if you got indicted for that by George.

Oh my God, it's all coming full circle. I rest my case and George puts his case down in the judge's presence and a poo falls out. The case just slams open. A sandwich and a poop. I was going to say that George and his partner are in a stakeout and they've been there for hours and all of a sudden, in the middle of the night, door opens, front door opens, light behind the person and it's staggering out, wobbling out,

completely Billy Bollocks with a full erection as a six-year-old Pete Johnson. Take him in, boys! The erectioner. We've caught him red-handed. The erectioner. I was going to say, can you think of anything? Cast your mind back to your school days.

Can you think of anything more embarrassing that could happen than what Alex has just described there? The problem is everybody knows it's your mum. If nobody knew it was your mum, I just think it's unprofessional. I can't believe she went ahead with the class. I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe you've done this.

Would you say that is more embarrassing than, say, loudly shitting yourself in assembly? Why? Who did that? I'm just asking. I'm trying to get a scale here. Oh, massively loudly shitting. Who is coming out of your arse in front of a hall full of people?

Yeah. That's like police dog coming in to see the kids and pissing everywhere. That's how funny it is. Okay. If not more funny. So Alex, there you go.

It could have been worse, mate, unless you did in fact shoot yourself later that day, in which case you have completed the clean sweep there. The unclean sweep. Do you want to do

a little bit of a filthy email just to get out of filth town? Is that all right? Stuart from Kent in episode 58, the moth-pocalypse. I'm enjoying that people are keeping up with the episode titles and the numbers as well well it's like almost like i designed it in the p designed it you spoke about the various things florida man had done you

said that stealing 850 pairs of underwear was more perverted than masturbating in a mcdonald's car park because that's a lot of pairs of underwear and from that it's fair to assume that masturbating in a mcdonald's car park is worse than stealing one pair of underwear and from that it's fair to assume that masturbating in a McDonald's car park is worse than stealing one pair of underwear so in a line graph of pervertedness a sliding scale if you will

we have to come up with there's got to be a crossover point how many pairs of underwear do you have to steal for the act to become more perverted than masturbating

once in a car park yeah it's a good question I think there was a lad in my school actually the other school who was quite famous

for masturbating on a war memorial. That's disrespectful. But it is very much the focus of the town. So if you really wanted a Tommy Tankett, what's his name? A Pink Floyd son. What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Remember the guy at Pink Floyd and his son? He was off his head and he jumped on a war memorial and he got he got put in prison didn't he no that was Brian Ferry's son wasn't it no Brian Ferry's Otis Ferry

yes it was Otis Ferry and he jumped into the House of Commons as well because I know someone who knows him I know someone who knows him and there were reasons why he jumped on that war memorial because he was having a lovely fun time

on the afternoon yeah and also can you think of anything worse in terms of abusive privilege than that kid called Otis doing that? But that's my inverted snobbery. That's what we call aardvarks. To answer the question, I think, are we talking about, so this guy, I can't fully remember from episode 58, the guy stole 850 pairs of underwear,

but was that in different stealing spree? I think so, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think, I'm fairly certain he did bulk. So he probably did 20 at a time. I think really. I think more than 10. I would say 100 per wank.

Oh, is that right? If you steal 10 pairs of underwear, that's more embarrassing, is it? Yeah, but the other one is masturbating in public. You could just say that the lady was invisible. Or your sexual partner was invisible. Masturbate at home. I think 100. What if you caught shot?

So I think... You've inadvertently taken a Viagra. I think 850 pairs of underwear is 8.5 public wanks. 8.5 public wanks? Yeah. That's... No, that's too much. That's too many.

What are you saying then? 10? So you're saying it's the same... So hang on a minute, Pete. And this is a really important issue here. It's 85 public w much. That's too many. What are you saying then? 10? So you're saying it's the same. So hang on a minute, Pete. And this is a really important issue. I think it's 85 public wanks. That is outrageous. That 850 pairs of underwear.

Well, when you say it like that, 85. I mean, that is a lot. You've got to eat in between, haven't you? I don't eat in a row. Just in total. Yeah, I mean, that's over a year. How many wanks can you do on a warm warrior? Sorry, not a warm warrior.

I'm conflating two stories here. Think of the logistics involved. Yeah, you'd have to do it at dark. Stuart, it's a great question. Probably the best question we've ever had. He does end the email by saying, P.S. This is all hypothetical. I do not intend to do either.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, whatever, mate. I think I'm going to wrestle this back to something a little bit more... Sexy? No, less sexy, actually. A little bit more sensible. From Matt from Worthing. And Matt, this is going to sound tame after what we've just talked about.

Tame! Is that a fixie song? Tame! Yeah, it is, yeah. Sometimes I'll hear a word and I'll just hear Frank Black. That could be any fixie song, couldn't it? Tame! Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's from me. Matt, yes, so Matt, this is going to sound tepid and a little bit sensible compared to what we just talked about,

but this isn't your fault. So I enjoyed the email, so I'm going to read it out now. He says, Dear Luke and Pete, thank you for all your endeavours in the audio field. Your show is great

and I normally listen to it while getting ready for work in the morning. I'm afraid your voice is regularly accompanying the act of toweling myself down after my morning shower. Although I imagine Pete's voice has been the soundtrack to acts far more

horrifying than a man drying his groin area. Is that fair Pete? Yeah. Anyway, from my plums to your apples. Following on from the abrupt apple question and associated chat in episode 53, cast your minds back there, listeners, there are some brilliant

local apple varieties out there. Forget Pink Lady and the other four or five overrated mainstream apples that Big Fruit will try and force upon you. My drowning sound.

The best apple I have ever tasted is a local variety called Sussex Mother. Sussex Mother. Mother, is that you? First grown in the 19th century, it's a cheeky, medium-sized apple

with a sensational flavour. It tastes of aniseed and sweet spices. Pete, I couldn't believe that an apple could naturally produce such flavours. Well, sis, I'm writing this down. I'll never find it. Sussex mother. The six mother. Sussex mother's in for

teacher. Yeah, I think this whole thing started with apparently this apple tastes like champagne or something. It was like an incredible flavour. Matt goes on. And I still haven't tried that champagne apple. Matt says, there are several apple fairs and similar events in my neck of the woods. These are well worth visiting if you like apples, cider,

or associated products. I'm ending this email now because I may be coming across as an apple hipster and I don't want to attract the ire of Mr Donaldson because I also wear glasses and a beard, which only makes matters worse. Kind regards, Matt from Worthing. No surname, please. Oh, you're a big player in the apple game, are you, Matt? Thank you for that email.

That was incredibly informative and I'm going to be keeping an eye out for Sussex, mother. Can people send apples to us? Are you eating things that people That was incredibly informative, and I'm going to be keeping an eye out for Sussex, mother. Can people send apples to us? Are you eating things that people send? I will, yeah. Well, once. You will, really? You got sent some food from the Far East once,

and it was weird. It was like a grassy thing. Was it? Remember when you were at the radio station? Oh, yeah. I'll eat anything. I mean, we pretend that we don't eat anything sent to the radio station, because people are crazy.

They are frequently crazy. I'll tell you what. Working to the radio station because people are crazy they are frequently crazy I'll tell you what working on the radio station because the UK has got a bit hot at the moment people have ramped up the crazy emails

and the crazy texts have they right people are getting in the heat are they wowzers but yeah I'll eat anything so if you do want

to send us some exotic apples Matt not just Matt but anyone else why don't you just DM us on Twitter at Luke and Pete show

or email us hello at Luke and Pete show dot com we'll give you our postal address nothing can go wrong there and you send them to us not you George

not you George the knocker George can come don't want any odd dispatches mate yeah don't want any of that by airmail express delivery

unless it's cocaine did you know I was reading into this and no come you know, I was reading into this, and no, come on. Come on. I was reading into this, and one of the interesting things about apples is you can graft different varieties of sapling

onto essentially the same trunk. So you have lots of different varieties of apple, but only one tree. So my aunt's got an apple tree which has got three varieties on it, and it's just a great way of having different kinds of apples in the same place. But I looked it up, and in Chich chichester west sussex there's a guy who

successfully managed to graft 250 types of apple different types of apple on one tree that's madness yeah how does that even work he also looks a bit like my accountant i reckon it makes all the apples taste the same even on the different species and since we're on the subject one more final quick quiz for you, Pete. How many different types of apple in Kent alone do you think there are? Forty. I'll have a guess, big boy,

because you've embarrassed yourself there. What, how many? Two thousand. Oh, piss off. Everyone's just slicing the... They're just going, oh, this is different, isn't it? Buy this, dickheads.

They're flavouring a different stuff. Yeah, exactly. Well, listen, I can list them all for you. Sussex mother, Sussex father. Sussex mother. Yeah. There's 6,000 different types of apple around the world. There you go.

Apple chat. Thanks for that, Matt. Apple chat. I'm loving it. Apple chat with Apple Matt. Yes, I think so. We've got two Krakenman carts for next week. Okay.

So we are going to stick them into that show. Is this the way you're saying we're going to're gonna start pretty much yeah i mean i've got one at a time because it's just what the way it is okay there's some really good emails that we're gonna have to do on monday yeah all right all right good okay it's gonna be a bob pet episode of fun that's been a roller coaster episode 62 i know i talked too long about um a poo but you started it so you talked too long about um representation of actors in tv dramas is what you talked about no i talked I talked along about Apu, and then we did a little bit about Apu.

Eh? You having that? No? All right, then. Let's get out of here. All right, when I'm hearing this music now, I think, okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Time!

Time! See you on Monday. See you on Monday I really like that when he goes oh I think Doc Brown will be delighted with that look at that

it's a remix oh time oh that's a remix. Oh, that's a lovely apple. Peanuts!