The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 64: The prodigal son returns (to Hartlepool)

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

This time around on your common-or-garden Luke and Pete Show, The Pete has been back to the motherland unannounced to see his dear old mother and to annoy his father with Tivo-based tricks. Meanwhile, Luke's been for afternoon tea, the boys show yet more love for the great Carly Rae Jepsen, and there's a listener reporting an erroneous shaving of facial hair.Elsewhere, a listener quite literally ruins Easter for a group of children and there's more curious French behaviour, this time from the 16th century.To infiltrate us: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to a brand new Luke and Pete show, I'm Pete Donaldson, the Pete part of that particular formula. Luke Moore is with me as well, hello Luke Moore. You're full of pep and vim and vigour. Vinegar, is it pith and vinegar? Yeah, whatever. Full of it, mate. I'm the Luke. I'm drenched in it.

You have been, over the last couple of weeks, if you don't mind me saying, somewhat under the weather, but today you sound like you are on fine form, my friend. I could say that about you, Luke.

You've had a right old cough-cough-cough thing, haven't you? Mate, I was doing a radio show a week ago. I had to leave the studio. Have a little coughing fit. Had to get some strep seals.

We went toe-to-toe on the radio, didn't we? I was doing my show. Two to the five and yours was also two to the five as well. It turned out most of the listening public were doing something else entirely. We stank up the radio. We did. Previously on the Luke and Pete show,

this is, of course, episode 64. I like to give people the number so they know what to refer to when they're emailing in. And you can do that, by the way, on hello at lukeandpete.com. But previously on this show, we found out over the past week or so, Pete could, as a child, fart at will. Pete, anything to say on that now? It's not the only thing I could do as a child, as that nurse found out.

Moving swiftly on. That was when you, of course, you were the proud owner of your first erection at the age of? I don't know, six or seven. I don't think it was my first one. Front of a medical professional. We also heard

your sex education horror stories and there'll probably be more on that later today or this week at some point. We heard from Detective George from Baltimore and Pilot Neil, two of our favourites.

Lovely. We talked about apples, Pete. Apple varieties varieties you don't have to have a sexy job for us to uh be enamored by you no enamored with you we did a lot of stuff on the world's worst jobs didn't we of which we have occupied a couple of definitely um yeah a bit on apples bit on party tricks gone awry and a boy uh culminate the whole thing though culminated in a boy of 12 traveling on concord by himself that's incredible isn't it really yeah incredible very very much so yeah so that's what we've been up to up and that brings you up to date i think and now you're up to date yeah yeah um i have just assembled a air conditioning um system for the uh the studio yes and it works a treat as well it does work a treat but are you just instantly hot now?

Yeah. Like, I turned on for about 10 minutes. It made the room quite cold. Yeah. And now we've closed the door. I'm instantly sweaty. Well, I think the idea is it gives us a bit of a head start

ahead of those warm World Cup months, but we'll see how we go. And also, I mean, I hope you won't take offence to me saying this, Pete, but you've managed to get something to work first time. That's rude.

But is that, that's fair. Your track record is sketchy on that. What do you mean? How did you buy that one out? Well, you just, I think you've managed to get something to work first time that's rude that's fair your track record is sketchy what do you mean how did you write that one out I think you've got enough knowledge

to be dangerous that's what I mean what have you been up to this week my friend I went up north went to see my mum very very briefly

I sort of surprised her by turning up on her doorstep which I don't think I've ever done in fact but I've realised how did she take it she appreciated it and also she didn't have, again,

the head start to fret about where I'm going to be sleeping, what I'm going to be eating. She said, I've got nothing in. I've got nothing in. No frozen sausages in. Well, you were once locked in my house, and you've seen how little food I have in my cupboards. Having any sort of edibles in your cupboard

will sort you out really it's not for me i don't mean like marijuana no it's not for me to um judge how another man lives no let's get that out there first no but getting locked in your house was a it was a bit of an eye-opener i would say you had absolutely no food in the house you had a bottle of tomato ketchup bottle of campari bottle campari and that was pretty much it, really. That's what I subsist on. Yeah. Sugar and bitters.

It made a lot of sense to me. I found lots of things clicked into place at that point. Oh, it was lovely. Did you get a chance to spend some time with Stewie? Stewie was in bed from six o'clock, so I missed him. He walked at one o'clock to find his first born second born in his house and he went

hello son are you going to be watching the TV because this is my time now to be honest I watch much of the day and he records so much

television because he has six hours a day to watch television in from one until seven and he had three concurrently recording pieces of video on the TV on the Sky Plus on the TV he's three concurrently recording pieces of video on the TiVo box.

On the Sky Plus? On the TiVo, he's got three shows recording at any time. I don't know, one of them was three episodes of Family Guy. I deleted two of them to watch Match of the Day. So he's going to be finding out about that very soon. He'll probably give you an angry text. Why did you stop the Family Guy recording? When you got back, because you went up to Hartlepool

and arrived at your parents' place without telling them that you were coming, do you think your mum thought at one point you had just cried and come home? Finally. Had a breakdown. After 15 years. I think they're always expecting that call, to be honest. I mean, bearing in mind that, and this kind of,

I was reminded about this quite recently, like I've been in media for a little while now and I've done things, like, you know, not interesting or important things, but the sort of things that might find yourself in the local newspaper. But the local newspaper has always ignored me until I dressed up as that Travaga woman last year,

and then I've been featured twice, as has the Ramble Institute. What does Mrs. Donaldson think about that? Well, I mean, again, the only time the Party Pill Mail has featured me is putting me on the front cover dressed as a lady. I mean, again, the only time the Hartlepool Mail has featured me is putting me on the front cover dressed as a lady.

I mean, that's more than you could have hoped to have grown up though, isn't it? Yeah. But I mean, I don't think my mum and dad were particularly proud

that that was my only entry in the Hartlepool Mail. Still time. You'll live to at least 45. They've installed a new tribute to Ridley Scott in Hartlepool Town Centre. That was going to be

my next question. What's changed? What was it like? What does the Ridley Scott tribute look like? I didn't see much of the town but the Ridley Scott tribute is basically

I think he did a film when he's just out of college because he went to Hartlepool College of Further Education and he did a film set in Hartlepool or filmed in Hartlepool, completely unknown.

Nobody remembers it, but Hartlepool trying to kind of, you know, zhuzh up the town centre by going, hey, Ridley Scott came here. So they've done this kind of like basically a big metal cutout of a boy on a bike. You know, nobody remembers Ridley Scott's boy on a bike film, but we're kind of laying claim to part of Ridley Scott's legacy. Ridley Scott actually directed the famous Hovis advert as well, didn't he? Oh, did he?

A lot of people might not know that. I think that was his first job. Oh, maybe that's what they're referring to then. Yeah, it probably is. That definitely was not filmed in Hartlepool. No, but I can tell you where it was filmed. It was filmed in a place called Gold Hill, I think, in Dorchester. Was it a mining town? No.

All those cottages. It's just a very picturesque, steep road. When you see towns set in those big, steep kind of hills and stuff, you sort of think, Lisbon's a little bit like that. You sort of go,

beautiful place. Why the hell did you choose to set up shop here? Well, West Norwood's a bit like that, where I live. It's very hilly. That was the point. I'll tell you what's bad for that. Bristol's terrible for that as well.

Up and down. A friend of mine started running he lives in Bristol and when I was there visiting I was thinking how are you running round here just choose like a town square and just do laps

that's what I would do I think excuse me can you hear that cough I'm sorry I'm trying to cough off mic all of the Radio Stakhanov shows have been peppered this month by Luke Moore's cough

it's been an ever present kind of almost fifth member of the Football Ramble. Even if I'm not on the show. I hear it. I'm just out of hearing it. Pete, let me give you a really quick look at what I've been up to because I went to... My wife's obsessed with Harry Potter. Yes.

And I saw that there was a unofficial, as in not officially endorsed, Harry Potter afternoon tea. Hoorie Potter. Yeah, Hoorie Potter, just down the road from where you live, at Cutter and Squidge. So Cutter and Squidge is a place where it has lots of, it's basically a cake shop, and they sell things like cake pops

and slices of cake. So those pictures that Mimi posted on the Instagram, were actually from that shop. Yeah. They did a lovely job. There's a downstairs oh it's like a it's like a

subterranean kick it's almost like set up some sort of theatre but crossed with a school room

where you go in there and you learn this potions class and you have all these different nice things to eat and drink but and I thought it was

excellent the food was very very good but the thing I didn't like and you might be in my camp here my wife absolutely loved it was excellent the food was very very good but um the thing i didn't like and you might be in my camp here my wife absolutely loved it uh but is the the idea of having an out of work actor doing hosting pretending to be like a witch the problem is you can't even uh kind of say they're out of work they're working you know what i mean though i know yeah they're not they're

not on a casting right now and you imagine they don't go to many anymore. The people who work in the London Dungeon, for example. They're always young and enthusiastic and I'm not one who takes that very well. And if they've hit real rock bottom, they're charity muggers. But you know what? I've actually had a really good one of those at the Crystal Maze

experience. Yeah, they're great then. The guy who did that was absolutely brilliant. He was so good. But again that's kind of like, that's not an ensemble piece is it you need that kind of like mad kind of horse don't you

to sort of do the thing I mean for the American listeners Crystal Maze is like it's a game show a game show you do lots of different types of challenges

I think they might even have they might even be aware of the Crystal Maze possibly it might have been syndicated over there because Richard O'Brien why would you syndicate the Crystal Maze, possibly. It might have been syndicated over there. Because Richard O'Brien... Why would you syndicate the Crystal Maze?

Because the remake of it. Oh, right, okay. Because Richard O'Brien from the... Rocky Horror Picture Show. Rocky Horror Picture Show was very much part of it. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, this afternoon, the food was nice, but I'm just one of those people,

I can't help but cringe when this sort of stuff goes on. I didn't think she was actually that good. And in the case of the Crystal Maze, the girl was very good. I was well into it. But there's a reason, isn't there? I mean, this is just kind of padding out the day, I find, with stuff like that.

Yeah. Padding out the evening. Have you been to Qatar? It's quite nice. I've been to the top half of it. Yeah. I'm not a big cake guy, so... You're not, no?

I love a cake, mate. I love a cake, mate. Cake and a biscuit. And I saw quite a good film last night as well called The Ritual. The Ritual. You seen it? Which is that one? not know I love a cake mate I love a cake cake and a biscuit and I saw a quite a good film last night as well called the ritual the ritual you seen it which is that one it is a movie with

Rafe Spall right son of son of Timothy of course about a bunch of guys I'll try not to give too much away bunch of guys bunch of guys who go on a stag weekend in the forests of Sweden

Speria as they say in Sweden and they start hiking through forests and stuff goes awry it's like a horror movie it's good do you know what it had mixed reviews

and we were trying to pick a film to watch scrolling through all the movies on Amazon Prime and I said I really fancy that I really like Wraithspawn

and the reviews were average but I thought I'm going to go for it anyway Amazon I bloody enjoyed it the last thing I watched on Amazon was

the Bader Meinhof complex oh yeah which was alright but it went on a bit too long well the thing about the ritual is it's only an hour and a half and I think films are way too long

films should be only an hour and a half you've got that amount of time to tell your story get in get out otherwise do a Netflix series and stop bothering us I watched

the last episode of Atlanta with the much vaunted and celebrated George Gambino, a.k.a. Donald Glover. And my God, I enjoyed that series. And it was a very... The episodes you could just hit whenever you wanted. You could just watch them not even in order

because they're just little, they're like one day kind of snapshots. Oh, they don't link together? No, that's the first season does, which is started on BBC Two yesterday. How is he in all of them if they don't link together then? Say again? How is he in all of them if they don't link together? He's not in all ofhots. Oh, they don't link together? No, the first season does, which is started on BBC Two. How is he in all of them if they don't link together? Say again?

How is he in all of them if they don't link together? He's not in all of them. Oh, okay. Well, he directs some of them. Right. The bloke who directed the This Is America video,

Hiro... Oh, what's the name for Mirai? Mirai. I think it's Hiro Mirai. Right. He directs most of them as well. But it's beautifully done beautifully

beautiful TV show really dreamy you and I were both enjoying the This Is America video with Carly Rae Jepsen call me maybe over the top of it

won't we yeah I mean a lot of I mean YouTube and the internet at large is just saturated with white people

telling us what we should think about the Childish Camp Viena video, This is America. Just people going, well, he's wearing Confederate trousers, and this is a reference to the father of Trayvon Martin. I thought he was dressed as... I thought he was...

He's definitely posing as Jim Crow at the start. Yeah, but his trousers are Confederate, what the Confederate soldiers would wear. Right, OK. So there's different... To be honest, I saw the trousers a lot. They're quite nice trousers, Donald. what the Confederate soldiers would wear. Right, okay. So there's different, we talked about this. To be honest, I saw the trousers a lot.

They're quite nice trousers, Donald. You're wearing similar ones now, actually. And the flag. No, but it was, where was I going with that? Yeah, I'm just tired of people sort of saying, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you shouldn't turn it into a meme. I was like, don't tell people what to fucking do. Yeah, you can turn it into a meme if you want. Do what you want but it's not any old meme Carly Rae Jepsen

is the finest pop recording artist of the last 10 years in my opinion so nothing she touches can be diminished that is a it's a banging

and where it kicks off with the gunshot is beautifully timed Call Me Maybe I would say and you can hello at lukeandpeacher.com

me on this Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe is to my mind the finest pop song of the century Rihanna Umbrella

Get Out better than that in my opinion it's better than that Alpha Beat Fascination love it love that tune

I love both those two examples you've given me there I love those as well we should compile a top ten or something they would both be in it but for me it's Carly Rae Jepsen's

Call Me Maybe we're going to listen to that in the middle of this ad break and we'll be back with some of your emails afterwards okay Luke don't gunge me mate

pipe down Pete I told you never to argue with the customers where do you think you're going baby there you go where do you think you're going baby

doesn't the video and that she thinks she's cracking on with the lad he's a gayman he's a gayman he's a gayman tricked

we all have a bloody good laugh about it don't we imagine not fancying child Charlie Charlie Charlie Ray

Jetsons what's happened to you Charlie Ray Jetsons imagine not enjoying the Jetsons meet his wife no Jane

his wife I can't remember the theme tune yeah it was meet George Jetson Jane his wife his boy Elroy do the rest of the show like that best ever It was me, George Jeter. Jane, his wife.

His boy, Elroy. Do the rest of the show like that. Best ever kids cartoon theme tune. It's got to be... Whatever you're going to say, it's not going to be Ulysses, so shut up. I was going to say Ulysses 31. Yeah! High fives.

Yeah, that was quite weak by you. Almost as weak as your handshake, Pete. But that's another story. I think people who mug people off with hard handshakes are pathetic mine isn't limp it's firm

it's fine it's tender even it's not firm enough I go in for the hug more times to me Pete absolutely right there's a lot of truth in what you're saying there there's a sweet spot

okay those people who try and Donald Trump strong arm you with a big big heavy one I ain't got time for those people but those people who deliver up a Trump strong arm you with a big big heavy one I ain't got time for those people but those people who deliver up a lettuce leaf I don't want that

either well it's watching sweet spot yeah but I'm you know I'm happy I'm happy with my handshake especially because I have very small small hands so it oh

how many I rate weak handshakes you see around here just one um yeah so there's a bit actually talking about Donald Trump strong arming and there's a clip of I've been watching

Wrestlemania recently because of the thingy Wrestle Me the podcast Wrestle Me you should all listen to absolutely because Donald Trump is featured in two of them

because they're in the Trump Plaza I think it's four and five he turns up at a couple of them doesn't he as well yeah well he's interviewed by

one of the presenters and he does this kind of power play where he just really stares at the person interviewing him, really staring at them. He just doesn't break gears at all at any point. Right.

Yeah, weird. He's a very strange man. Just men who've just spent too much time in finance or around the wrong people. Yeah, quite. I don't think, well, everything you need to know about Donald Trump can probably be answered by an 80s self-help book, I expect. But I don't have any interest in telling other people

what their politics should be and all the rest of it, and it's not about that. I do. You absolutely do, that's right. But what it is about is less about politics and more about knowing a complete idiot when you see one. It's not political. The guy's an idiot, that's it.

Yeah, I've got no problem if people have different opinions to me on politics, of course political. The guy's an idiot, that's it. Yeah, I've got no problem if people have different opinions to me on politics, of course, but that guy is an idiot and it's only fair to say so. Let's go into the emails, Peter. I'd like to start with this one, if it's okay with you.

Okay. It's one we didn't get around to last time by a chap by the name of Damien Cunningham. Whoa, where do you think you're going, baby? Where do you think you're going, Damie? Yeah. Greetings, chaps, he says.

The lad who transported that toad from South Africa back to the UK, now I think that was probably three or four episodes ago,

might feel as though he's incredibly unlucky to have done so, and he is to a degree. Like that, haven't Damien? Nice little assessment

of what's been going on so far. I was watching one of my mum's favourite TV shows, it's a show about New Zealand customs basically, so it's just people about New Zealand customs, basically.

So it's just people hiding cocaine in their pants. There's some lovely stories on that. In Australia and New Zealand, they are very, very hot on it. When I was out in New Zealand and I signed for a football team there, I got my parents to send my football boots over. Classic. And the captain of the team, he made up a story

and got me to believe it, that New Zealand Customs had impounded them because they have bits of British grass on them and they wouldn't let them come into the country. Anyway,

but apparently they're very strict on it. Anyway, Damien also says... Are you comparing yourself to a drug lord? No. A drug baron?

No. No. Grass, I mean actual grass. Importing cleats. Damien's got a couple of examples anyway. The reason heting cleats. Damien's got a couple of examples anyway. The reason he's emailed in is because he's got a couple of examples of things that have gone through airport customs

in airports around the globe. On that subject, by the way, there's an Instagram account worth following called TSA. Oh, right. Which is the American airport customs guys. And they do a great account of photographing stuff they've confiscated off flights. It's brilliant.

It's amazing stuff on there. There's some great lost... I think three Coachellas ago, they released basically a picture of some of the more interesting lost and found items they had. So many bow ties. A surprising amount of bow ties. Why do you reckon bow ties are lost so much?

I don't know. I mean, they didn't look like they were from waiting staff or anything but you know coachella man it's a crazy place um damon said anyway in 2012 a man in new york um at a regional airport tried to get a fully gassed up power chainsaw on his flight and was permitted to bring it on uh once he emptied out the fuel which that would just stink wouldn't it no matter how it's still dangerous without a fuel it's got spikes on it it's not that spiky does it you could on once he emptied out the fuel. That would just stink, wouldn't it? No matter how... It's still dangerous without fuel. It's got spikes on it.

It's not that spiky, does it? You could bring a spike of a... Yeah, you could bring a tooth teeth to it. If I took a chainsaw and stood you up there

and took a chainsaw and didn't turn it on and that took a massive swipe at you with it, it would hurt you. Yeah, but in the same way you could probably bring a big hammer on

them. Could you bring a hammer? I think so. I brought a sword once onto a plane. It was plastic. They have to be checked. They're blunt I don't think so. Nah. I brought a sword once onto a plane. It was plastic. They have to be checked. They're blunt, don't they?

That was in Sweden. Anyway, in 2009, apparently, according to Damien, a man travelling into Australia from Dubai was promptly arrested when in going through

airport security for having two live pigeons contained in padded envelopes strapped to his ankles. The man gave no rhyme or reason as to why he was transporting the feathered rats in such a manner.

However, the most outrageous and daring case of smuggling contraband through airport customs, only to fail miserably, award goes to Gitta Jarantz and her stepdaughter Anka Anusik and Gitta's 91-year-old husband, Kurt. Although Kurt

really should be exempt from any blame for this, and you'll see why. The German family were visiting Liverpool in 2010, and while there, Kurt tragically passed away his wife and stepdaughter were clearly so distraught with this passing they abandoned all rational thinking and came down with a case of grief stricken stinginess as they made their way back to berlin they opted to put old dead kurt into a wheelchair and had the audacity not to declare him deceased and transport him appropriately back to his homeland instead

opting to put sunglasses on him wheel wheeling him about the airport in Liverpool, and inform a suspicious airport security that he was a bit worn out from such a fun-packed holiday. Look at him, give him a wave, give him a wave. Naturally, it reminds me of the film, is it Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger? He snaps the guy's neck in the seat next to him on the plane. Leave him,

he's dead tired. Naturally, the airport... Yeah, that's the film this reminds you of. Naturally, the airport... Out of all the possible films this is going to remind you of. I was also going to say Weekend at Bernie's. Naturally, the airport yeah that's the film this reminds you of naturally the airport out of all the possible films this is going to remind you of I was also going to say Weekend at Bernie naturally the airport staff weren't buying this

Gita and Anuska were detained and arrested for not declaring a death as immediately as possible and a coroner concluded Kerto had been dead up for up to 12 hours

the ladies were eventually released on bail and claimed ignorance while Kerto is probably in the unclaimed baggage locker to this day. Prove you're more likely to die on the

ground than on the air when travelling abroad. Just try not to become a Weekend at Bernie's parody if you do die while on your travels. That's from Damien. That's wonderful. Well done there, Damien. Weekend at Bernie's is a classic. I don't think I've ever seen it. Films like that, do you really need to see? You've got the premise, you've got the

references, you know what the guy looks like I don't think you need to see that film yeah that's true you could probably all be summed up by the trailer true two things on that one I think if I watched

Weekend at Bernie's back now it would be terrible two do you ever if you go and find like an 80s film that was big and then find the trailer

on YouTube it always sounds immediately really dated because those trailers they're dreadful aren because those trailers still have the voiceover, which doesn't happen anymore. So these days, the trailers, they tell the story just by clips, right? Back then, every single film,

in a world like that. And it's always got, what's the romantic comedy one? It's a Paul Simon track. No, not Paul Simon. Salisbury Hill. All right, yeah. Who's Peter Salisbury Hill? Peter Gabriel? Peter Gabriel not Paul Simon Salisbury Hill alright yeah who's Peter Salisbury Hill

Peter Peter Gabriel Peter Gabriel yeah Salisbury Hill in a world I was trying to show my wife the trailer

for Kingpin which is a classic Bill Murray Woody Harrison vehicle it's busy even you've had your Harry Potter you can have

we're watching trailers all night tonight but the trailer featured the voiceover and she was like, this looks terrible, what is this? It just looks so dated.

Anyway, thanks for that Damien. If you want to get in touch with you guys listening, hello at lukeandpetecher.com of course. Pete, have you got an email for us?

Well nowadays, you just have like trailers, you have teaser trailers, trailer trailers. Yeah, teasers. Trailer trailers, there's loads of them

and it really takes the fun out of it. What was the one that I watched recently? The new Predator film looks flipping dreadful is there a new one yeah I think I just think

all the action sequences they hadn't sort of finished them off so they were just kind of whatever they had they just throw out and obviously the trailer people

are separate to the director the director doesn't get to do the trailer so we'd probably get better trailers if the director got involved or we'd get no trailer at all

because obviously the director wants you to see the whole piece it's like you know singles versus the album isn't it really I didn't better trailers if the director got involved or we'd get no trailer at all because obviously the director wants you to see the whole piece. It's like, you know, singles versus the album, isn't it really? I didn't even know that the director wasn't involved in the trailer.

No, not at all, no. They get handed out to like another company. The new Jurassic Park doesn't look very good either. Well, I'm seeing it next week so I'll report back. I'm also seeing Solo on Thursday,

I think. I can't remember. Oh, I quite fancy that. Oh. That's got Donald Glover in it. It has, yeah. Hello, Luke and Pete. This is from... I don't know who this is from because I've clipped off the end

of this email, so never mind. Oh, is this a Chicago email? Yeah. That was my fault. You read it. I'll find out who it's from. Hello, Luke and Pete. I stumbled across your podcast through stumbling across the Abroad in Japan podcast via the podcast app on Android. Until then, I must admit I'd never heard of any of you. My life has been permanently changed for the better, question mark, since.

Anyway, Abroad in Japan was really entertaining. I got a kick out of Pete, looked him up, and found the Luke and Pete show. As a newer listener, I was curious, what's the origin story of the Luke and Pete show? How did it start? How did it get rolling? Who are the real Luke and Pete? Also, have you ever been to Chicago? What did you see and do, and what did you think? And that is from Eric Johnson, I found his name.

Eric Johnson, thanks, Eric. I've never been to Chicago. Have you, Pete? Yes, I bought cigars, even though I don't smoke, and gave the cigars to the bloke who owned our Airbnb. And that didn't even get me a bloody review. That is outrageous. F you, chap.

He was on his way to a wedding, so I thought, I've some cigars, mate. I've only spent 80 bloody dollars on them. Idiot. I've never been there, so I can't offer anything. Pete, have you ever told the listeners of the Luke and Pete show the story about what happened to you in Korea? What do you mean?

As in, what, the skua? Yeah, I think I have, yeah. Have you? Okay. Yeah, I got run over by an old man who tried to buy me off of cigarettes. Yeah. So I didn't tell the feds, because he was leathered. Have you? Okay. I got run over by an old man who tried to buy me off of cigarettes. Yeah. So I didn't tell the feds, because he was leathered. Did you tell the feds anyway?

I didn't even take a cigarette. I was like, oh, well, lesson learned. What sort of lesson learned? He met at the pavement and hit you. I know it's like a racist trope in America, certainly. Not over here. We don't really get that sort of thing. But Koreans are known as mugged off as being terrible drivers

and stuff. If you've ever been to Seoul, I would not, that would not disavow you of that fucking opinion. My God. It's just like, it's like driving

in like Calcutta or something. It's just like, just squeeze in wherever you can. The worst I've seen would probably Run over Peter

with your bloody scooter. The worst I've seen is probably Istanbul that is bad but it's like well we I mean we just came back

from Naples didn't we I mean that's just squeezing where you can people just but it's a new kind of driving and like we're very organised here

in all the places I've sort of been in the past like everyone sort of has there's a system there and everyone follows it but then when you break out it's like jazz driving isn't it

I'll just squeeze in there fuck it yeah I think they more it is very much like free jazz I think they use the rules of the road very much as sort of guidelines yeah

when we went to the airport on the way back from Naples they're like no word of a lie I don't think you're in our cab but he drove probably the cab driver probably drove

500 metres on the wrong side of the road brilliant on a dual carriageway. I love it. Yeah, so it was like no entry. One of those red signs. And there were cars on the side of the road we were on

going the other way. He was just driving around them. When I was in Istanbul, there was a lot of traffic because the traffic in Istanbul is incredibly bad. A guy who was in the cab behind us driving the cab, he got so impatient, he mounted the pavement and then just drove down the cycle track at about 40 miles an hour.

It's crazy. It's absolutely crazy. I've got an email here from Tom that I'd like to read. He says, good morning or afternoon or evening, guys. Since listening to episode one, I've sent you two emails. My batteries are a set of nan fangs, picture enclosed. I don't know if we read your first email out, Tom, but apologies if we didn't, and I am now reading out your second.

He said, a few episodes ago, you told a story about someone bothering some bees, and it reminded me of an incident that happened when I was about 10 years old. I went away with my family in a caravan over the school holidays. The caravan site was in the middle of loads of fields, and there were loads of activities arranged for the kids. My cousin, brother, and I all got bored and had noticed there were quite a few pheasants around so we decided to go and hunt for one after spending most of the day walking around fields armed only with a large stick we had found and a cord from a pair of one of our jogging bottoms

this is quite a sort of towny chubby story and we decided to go back to the campsite having not seen a pheasant all day. On the way back, we struck gold, though, because we discovered something that had made the day of hunting worthwhile. Under a bridge was an already dead rabbit. Whoa. We got down to the bridge, tied one end of the cord around the neck of the rabbit,

and the other around the stick, and dragged our catch back to camp. What I've held back so far is what this school holiday was. It was Easter. And waiting back at camp was the afternoon's event for the children, meet the Easter bunny. Oh, no. We arrived back at camp proudly caught a rabbit.

However, we're greeted by some very, very upset children, crying and screaming that we had killed the Easter bunny and ruined Easter for everyone. Keep up the good work, Tom. It's got everything in that, hasn't it? Terrible timing. Murder an animal and crying children. Absolutely outrageous.

Which is what I want in a movie. Yeah. I must admit, I said Calcutta earlier on. It's obviously now Calcutta. Is it? People will not stop rebranding their places. Hasn't the Czech Republic rebranded? Yeah, I was going to say.

Czechia. Is that what it's called now? It's now known as Czechia. John was saying that it's the least successful rebranding of a country ever because nobody's calling it that.

I don't even know if anyone knew it's happened. It's weird, isn't it? I don't think the Czech Republic have qualified for the World Cup this summer

otherwise I wonder what we'd be calling them. Whether FIFA would have taken it on board. Is the Newcastle Cup in Slavonian? I think it is, yeah. Oh, I see. I'm just thinking about things. Somebody said that... No, he's in Martin Pravda, Slovenia? I think it is, yeah. Oh, I see.

I'm just thinking about things. Somebody said that... No, he's Slovakian, I think, isn't he? Oh, yes, yes, yes, Slovakian, yeah. He apparently was once coached by Pavel

Senecek. Okay. Nice. Nice link. Nice link there for all you Ramble fans. Right, hello to Rich. Hello, Rich. Here's my story of school embarrassment. Oh, I like this.

To paint the picture, I was probably about 15 or 16 years of age at this time and at secondary school in Essex. One Sunday evening, I stumbled across my dad's beard trimmer in the family bathroom at home. These stories always start brilliant. I always start like that. It's an episode of 999, isn't it? Yeah, I stumbled across my dad's beard trimmer.

God knows why. God only knows why. But I glanced in the mirror and decided to turn the electric razor on. And for some unbeknownst reason, I placed the whirring device next to my ear and proceeded to take a thumbnail-sized chunk of hair off the bottom of my left sideburn. Thumbnail size? It's not that big. The fact that you've even got sideburns annoys me, because I could never grow them.

Still can't grow them. How old was this guy at the time? Probably not even that old, either. 15 or 16. Yeah, exactly. A moment of pure shock proceeded where I stared at myself aghast in my head thinking, what have you done, you fucking

idiot? Not being anywhere near a trained hairdresser, I had no idea what I was thinking. Immediately realising the error of my ways, I went about putting a plan together to avoid as much abuse from teenagers at school the next day as possible. Continuing to rummage through the family bathroom, I stumbled across black shoe polish and I'd found my solution. So through the family bathroom, I stumbled across black shoe polish

and I'd found my solution. So Monday morning comes around, I wake up and glance in the mirror, having forgotten in my sleep the disaster of the afternoon before and the fear of high school bullying rushed back to me. I got dressed for school and applied the tiniest dab of black boot polish

to the thumbnail-sized ball patch I found myself with on the side of my face. So the day at school was nothing short of a strategic masterclass. Queuing for lunch, keeping the side of my face. So the date school was nothing short of a strategic masterclass. Queuing for lunch, keeping the side of my head with the ball patch against the wall, queuing to get into classrooms

and applying the same logic, ball patch the wall. Then getting into the classroom and trying to grab any seat I could with the ball nightmare to the wall, not facing it out towards the classroom of potential onlookers and bullies. I'd even packed a small tub of boot polish

in my school bag for a little bit of touch-up if I needed it later in the day. This is good planning. I don't understand why... I know, yeah, but you look back and you sort of... These things are weirdly important, aren't they? They are. Keep parity.

Keep your head down. Don't stand out. They are weirdly important, but, Pete, I don't know how you feel about this, but my first go-to solution here would just be to shave the exact same thing on the other side. Yeah. And be like, oh, yeah, it's just fashionable.

Or just even... Like, people just clip a bit of their hair all the time, you know, and people get a scar or, you know. Yeah. These things happen. He's overreacted here. He's overreacted here. Naughty Rich. So he had a football match later on.

He'd done a lovely job so far. Soccer for those people that side of the pond. And we had a friendly against the year above us. So basically before the match, I snuck into the toilet in full kit to sneakily apply one last application of the boob polish. So bear in mind, I've kept my secret all day,

a 45 minute bus journey to school, eight school lessons, lunchtime, all past that incident. And then I find myself marking a rather tall lad from the corner from the year above or from a corner from the air above or from a corner from the air above.

It was a summer's evening and the perspiration dripping from my head must have taken its toll on the shoe polish that is clearly designed to give a nice gleam to a pair of shoes

and not cover up bald patches on one's ski and gave up the ghost. The guy I'm marking whose name alludes to he points at me and goes jeez what the fuck

is wrong with your face as I can only imagine a thin black trickle of boot polish dripped down my ear to my neck. Feeling some sort of genuine gruesome head injury, the ref started making his way towards me whilst the lad's proclamation had also caught the attention of the other players on the pitch and fans stood on the touchline. I furiously rolled down the sleeve of my football top

and started rubbing where the offending boot polish was to clear what I could repeating nothing nothing what nothing hoping the moment would pass game finished I rushed to the shower

to wash off whatever my sleeve mop up job had missed and got off the bus at home at a stop early whilst

to basically get a haircut before he could go home to blend in as close as possible to the ball patch he's old enough to get his own haircut and he's had just a weird day I think he's overreacted here big time to blend in as close as possible to the ball patch. He's old enough to get his own haircut,

and he's had just a weird day. I think he's overreacted there, big time. What a relief to share this story with someone, because I've not shared it with anyone until now. I feel I've made peace with that episode of my life, and I'm able to polish my shoes again without breaking a cold sweat and having flashbacks. Thank you for that, Rich. Rich, who doesn't leave his second name, probably sensible.

Hell of a story. Yeah, I like the idea. Patch up jobs. You know, I'm just trying to think. It reminds me of, there was an old TV show called, not Sam and the Witch. There was a TV show called Sam and the Witch. Johnny Briggs.

Johnny Briggs. Johnny Briggs. And they once, his older brother, who was a bit of a shit, ate a slice of an engagement cake or a wedding cake and to patch it up, they basically made a cardboard cutout of the wedge they'd stolen and covered it in toothpaste

and blended it in. I think I remember that episode. So they were, yeah, they got found out. Of course. Because it was toothpaste and cardboard. Yeah, it's not a perfect crime, is it? No, it's not. They got away with it briefly anyway. There you go. I like the idea of overreactions to incidents at school because i think as you're right you mentioned earlier as you're right i think that every everything seems like massively out of proportion when you're that age i remember um my mate's um kid my best kid my mate is my

mate's wife uh girlfriend is a teacher and she was uh working day and somebody just threw her phone out of the window. And she was convinced it was one kid but it was actually this really quiet girl who clearly just picked it up tried to get into the phone and then got the keypad wrong a few times and it just went

oh you've got five minutes, it's been locked for five minutes because you've got the key thing wrong. And she just panicked and just threw it out the window, which I think is amazing. What was the punishment? She's just got a stern talking to. Detention, surely, for that. She'd never been in trouble before.

I can remember when we were at school in music class. I must have been about 12-ish, 12, 13. And we got put into groups, and we were told we had the whole hour or however long the class was to write a song, and the theme was winter blues. Winter blues? What's that about? And they said, look, you go and write a song.

It's like an a cappella song. At the end of the class, you've all got to sing it. That sounds dreadful, Luke. Well, listen, it was dreadful, and I'll tell you exactly why. There was a group of girls who were brilliant. They did a really good song. I remember at the time being really impressed

we me and a couple of my pals in our group mucked around for the whole hour and we ended up freestyle freestyle freestyle

it's better than that right we got away with this for a short amount of time before we got absolutely fucking bollocks afterwards when they found out our teacher was quite old

right so she had no idea about popular culture and everything so we basically did the whole of Sweet Child of Mine just changing

Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses to Winter Blues in the chorus and she was like that is fantastic oh whoa those Winter Blues

it was literally like that right and looking back on it I thought say what you like about Mrs Winter she promised us later but she knew a good tune

when she heard one she had no idea one of the most famous songs of all time. And we got away with it for about three hours. And then our tutor, who I think was good friends

with her, he was told and they took us out of class and gave us a bollocking, basically. I mean, quite an ingenious bit of work, isn't it, really?

I think so. But very quickly before we go, do you remember, Pete, you delivered something on the last show, I think about the French villagers going mad

with hallucinations oh yeah Harry's been in touch and said it reminded him of another mass experience in France

that he'd read about apparently residents of Strasbourg were victims of the dancing plague of 1518 brilliant where around 400 people

began maniacally dancing for days on end without rest resulting in the deaths of many of them presumably through exhaustion although it is

assumed nowadays that a rogue fungi was the cause of the epidemic at the time it was attributed to hot blood and the

victims were hilariously encouraged to kill themselves by just dancing even more to get it out of their system hot blood

kind of like when you can't get a song out of your head so you just listen to it on repeat in the hope that you'll get bored of it.

I think that might have featured on an old looking piece you know. Did it? Yeah the maniacal dancing of whenever it was.

Well Harry is at the very least reminding us of it. They will insist on eating cheese with you know rot on it. Yeah. When I went home

to Huddlepool my mum in the fridge actually had like a pot of this cheese but it was basically you know like the innards of Brie like basically the worst in the fridge actually had like a pot of this cheese, but it was basically, you know, like the innards of brie, like basically the worst part of brie, like the creamy stuff, right? The best part of the brie is the rind.

What are you talking about? Because it's a beautiful, it's just nice. The inside of the brie is the whole point of it. Now the ammonia, that's what gives it its taste. But the inside, if you just eat that like without anything around it, it's pretty bland, pretty bland. You the inside, if you just eat that without anything around it, it's pretty bland. Pretty bland shit. You just spread it on some bread, no? Well, yeah, so that was the idea.

It was just spread based on the innards from a brie. What was it called? Innard brie. Brie innard. Shut the brie on. Yeah, so don't eat that. The best part of the brie is the rind. Well, if you told your mum you were coming,

she would have got you some decent cheese, I expect. If you told me you were coming, I'd have baked a cake. Is that a song? If I knew you were coming, I'd have bought a cheese. Bought a cheese. Bought a cheese. Bought a cheese. I know, right?

If you want to get into it, sure. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com, and we will, of course, be back next time around. Looking forward to it for episode 65 Mondays and Thursdays Luke and Pete show give us a review

look after us be nice to us we'll see you again soon in the words of Paul McCartney will you still listen to us when we're 64 yes because you're hearing it now

experiment over I want a piece of Brie