The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 65: Well, it used to be a dog

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

When is a dog not a dog? That's a burning question we answer early doors on episode 65 of The Luke and Pete Show, before Pete waxes lyrical about birthdays, birthday parties and the fascinating world of speedrunning of video games.The contributions from you the dear listeners this week extend to unkillable men, embarrassing farts and much, much more. Don't miss it.To speedrun an email over to us: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is America. How you doing? Hey, y'all! Luke Moore is in the house. Here I am. In my house. Get out of my house. Um, how have you been, Luke? You all right? Very well, thank you mate how are you Peter

it's a Monday it's a new week is it a Monday indeed it's a Monday can you believe it already no weekends don't last very long these days do they

how's the last few days been treating you Pete since we last checked in with our beautiful listeners I'm not going to pretend we recorded this on the Monday because that would be weird

but just imagine that this weekend I went and watched the FA Cup in a pub and maybe a bit the Royal Wedding as well recorded this on the Monday because that would be weird. But just imagine that this weekend I went and watched the FA Cup in a pub and maybe a bit of the Royal Wedding as well. Don't let people behind the curtain, man. It's the Royal Wedding, baby! Don't undermine your own project. Do you think you'll ever get married,

Peter? No. Are you philosophically opposed to it? No, the only reason I want to get married is that I don't want to be a 40-odd-year-old man with a girlfriend. Oh, my girlfriend. You have to start saying partner. Yeah, the only reason I want to get married is that I don't want to be a 40-odd-year-old man with a girlfriend. Oh, my girlfriend. You have to start saying partner. Yeah, I have to say partner. But then people will assume

that it is a man. Well, what's wrong with that? Maybe it will be a man. Who knows? Are you philosophically opposed to marriage or is it just that every woman in the world is? Ha ha! No, I'd like a party. I'd like a party as much as the next man.

I mean, I say that. I've not had a birthday party since I was 30, so... Yeah, but adults who have proper birthday parties are a bit odd. People who take time off for their birthdays. Oh, yeah. People who celebrate their birthdays. It seems to be like a week-long celebration. Actually, somebody told me, one of their friends,

a few weeks before their birthday on Facebook, they make sure that they wish everyone a big happy birthday on their Facebook wall, ceding the love so that they get it back on their birthday. Name them. I don't know the person. Who told you that? I don't actually know.

Seems like rascal behaviour to me. Very strange. Anyway, I don't have a birthday coming up anytime soon nor do you pete because you had yours last month we're out of here don't be greedy um something that float has been floating my boat over the last few days is this story i read and i haven't briefed you in advance of this pete i'm just going to read it to you it's quite a brief story um but it's funny a chinese woman says she bought a tibetan mastiff puppy on holiday two years ago she called it little black little black grew fast and never stopped growing until he became a 200 kilogram endangered asiatic black bear

and had to be taken into an animal sanctuary su yun a villager in yulang country in the southwestern yunnan province in China, said, it was a tiny mastiff puppy and when I brought him home he continued to be one. But the more he grew, the more like a bear he looked. I am scared of bears. Well you're clearly not love, you had one in your house for ages.

Wow. Taking care of the bear, who the owner says consumes a box of fruit and two buckets of noodles a day, is a task in itself. But then Sue also saw a leaflet that told her keeping a protected wild animal at home without a licence is illegal. So she contacted the Yunnan Wildlife Rescue Centre and after being sedated,

the animal was transported to its new home where vets found that it was healthy and had not been maltreated. As a result, authorities will not be looking to punish Sue for her poor animal identification skills. I like that they have to have a leaflet for that. I saw a leaflet that told me not to keep bears in my house. The reason I find that story quite confusing

is because, and I am making a couple of leaps here, but one is that Asiatic black bears are endangered, as we've heard. Their paws and bile and everything is used in Chinese medicine. So why are on the black market people selling presumably very valuable black bears to just normal

common or garden pet owners? Yeah. It's a mystery. It's up there with the bow bedding field mystery. You've got to really put a lot of work into raising a bear though

so you can get the old bile out, can't you? Yeah, it's mean that. I don't like thinking about it. Don't they put like tubes into them to get it out? They stick a hole in the side, yeah. They do that in cows.

To check their digestion, they have like, I've seen it, they put like a kind of, what do you call it? It looks like, you know, in a car where you put the petrol in. Petrol. Petrol cap. Petrol cap. It looks like a petrol cap, but it's on the side of the stomach. And basically, you can actually unscrew it, open it up, and look inside with a torch.

And you can just see inside the animal's stomach, which is just bizarre. For medical purposes? Well, for medical purposes, and also I think just the safety or the health of the herd. But it's just weird that they've got these massive taps in the side. Right. I've also got a mate who had a catheter fitted for an operation,

and his mate came in while he was off his head on Valium. Not Valium, morphine. And they just squeezed his catheter, and he said he just felt like a bubble in his bladder. That's not nice, is it? No. If your friend has got a catheter fitted, don't squeeze his piss bag.

Something that will come along a lot more regularly as we get older. Peter. Don't squeeze your friend his piss bag. Something that will come along a lot more regularly as we get older. Peter. Don't squeeze your friend's piss bag. Before we move on from... It's right there on the short title. Don't squeeze your friend's piss bag.

I've just typed in piss bag. And before we move on to the main sort of lions, lions portion of the show. Bears. Yeah, I'm talking about

other things. Can you just give me really quickly, because I feel like this is a missed opportunity if I don't ask you this in case you've got a couple of gems in there

in that noggin what are the best birthday slash birthday party experiences you've had as a kid I think the classic five aside

was quite good that went on until we were about 16, 17 you did five aside for your birthday yeah I think I played one in the Millhouse Leisure Centre.

Yeah. Where they count all the votes. Did you do a McDonald's birthday party where you got to go around the kitchen? We had only one McDonald's and that came in quite late. I think the McDonald's arrived when I was like 14.

Right. So we never went to McDonald's because the closest one was in Middlesbrough, which is miles away. Now, I don't remember a lot of birthday parties. Are there McDonald's in Hartlepool now? Yeah, there's two now. But I remember the year that there McDonald's in Hartlepool now? Yeah, there's two now. But I remember the year that McDonald's came to Hartlepool.

It was very exciting. Yeah. Love a bit of McDonald's. We used to do a proper McDonald's birthday party when we were kids. Do you have like the hats and the balloons and stuff? Yeah, and you got to sit in the little tables. Hilarious. Like a train.

And one person was allowed to go around the kitchen with you if it was your birthday. What, and just see how the... Yeah, see behind the scenes. Because I ended up going to about five McDonald's birthday parties. Every single time, they would make a joke where they would go, and come into the big walk-in freezer where we keep all the stuff. And you go in there, and before you knew it, you turn around.

They had disappeared and closed it. And then they'd open it and go, only joking. And you start stamping all the burgers. Going, yeah, I've just depleted half your stock, prick. Only joking, because otherwise you'd freeze to death. And make you cry. And you've got a hat and a piece of cake with Ronald McDonald on it to go home with. Nice.

Donald McDonald in Japan, as we spoke about before. Yeah, crazy that. So no real birthday wishes? No, I genuinely, maybe I just wasn't invited to any. I had a birthday party once. I must have been about six or seven. And I got this great present for my birthday called Kong Man. Kong Man?

And the whole idea was you had to get a ball bearing up to the top of the mountain. Oh, yeah. Was that called Kong Man? I think it was, yeah. It was very exciting because the magical part of it was that there was a concealed magnet, which made the ball float up the wall. Very exciting. Look, there you go.

I just Googled it. Kong Man. That's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. exciting. Look there you go, I just googled him. That's what it is, isn't it? Yeah, I think I never had one in my development, but later on

I think I got to play on one. It's never as interesting as you think. Same with Screwball Scramble. Oh yeah, I had one of those as well. What happened with Kongman, I could have just used the ball bearing from Screwball Scramble thinking about it, but I didn't make the connection at the time. Kongman, one of my friends

who came to my party I can't remember who it was might have been can't remember I don't want to name or shame him in case I get it wrong first five minutes

into my opening of Kong Man for my birthday and everyone going oh let's play on it swallowed the ball bearing oh why would he do that and there wasn't any spares

let's just want to hang around for eight hours fishing around in this poo that game's over. We have to play charades or something instead. That's foul. I reckon, do you reckon there's like speed, you know they have speed running of like games and stuff.

Do you reckon anyone speed runs Screwball Scramble? What is speed run? Like just do it, like basically in video game parlance, it's just finishing a level as quickly as you can or finishing a game as quick as you can. I've seen someone do Super Mario World like that. With glitches and little kind of like tricks and stuff. Right.

Fascinating behaviour. I was watching some guy I know called Ryan. I was watching a GoldenEye speedrun. And this guy, they always play on the Japanese version because of the differences in hertzes and kind of... Why is that? Because the refresh rate's slightly quicker, I think. They run at 60Hz around the 50 or something.

Anyway, either way, it runs a little bit faster so you can get a faster time and also like glitches and also they realise that in GoldenEye if you look at the floor all the time

the game runs a millisecond or two faster so you're just watching this guy just look at the floor and make his way around the levels and shoot

you know shoot guards and then put his head on the floor again how quick is he finishing it bizarre like I mean a

matter of like 10-20 minutes something like that the whole game the whole game in 20 minutes yeah it's insane honestly but like

the amount on hard level on 00 agent well that's what I mean there's different there's different kinds of speedrun levels and stuff and also just

people who like glitch through systems and manage to there's a thing in Mario where he's managed to get into the memory of Mario, like the back-end memory, and

program basically glitches into the system just by using the up, down, left, right on his keypad. It's insane some of the stuff people do. Mario speedrunning, Mario 64 speedrunning, there are some insane things that these people get up to, glitching their way through,

and they're getting down to the nuts and bolts of the programming level knowledge of the systems and the actual... You know when you used to play a game, so like more, that's a poor example, like Street Fighter. Yeah. Or SimCity actually was another good one

where you would do a certain amount of codes. You'd do left, right, up, down, A, B, C, whatever. Konami code, up, down, left, down, A, B, C, whatever. A Konami code, up, down, left, right, A, B, C, something. Yeah, whatever. Why would programmers put that in the game? That's a little something, something, isn't it? A little Easter egg. A little something, something.

And you've got to remember, games were so hard back then, so difficult. If you can't get past a level, you're never going to get past that level, really. It's insane. And presumably, I think... games are the only discipline, the only piece of art that actively tries to prevent you

seeing the rest of the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I've asked you this before, but presumably they have to make sure they fully release the finished game because there's no way of sending updates down the pipe and stuff, is there? Well, back in the day, yeah.

Now it's very much a different situation. And that is actually one of the speedrunners' things. They feel that they should be playing on the released version, like the card version. It's not being updated and stuff. They've got to play it raw. And also, in fighting games, like your street fights and stuff, frame counting is very important.

So even though it's like 120 frames per second or 60 frames per second or whatever, they count individual frames. These guys are so meticulous and so forensic with how they counter-attack moves and attack moves. They frame count for every time the

character moves. Just because it gives you a marginal advantage over the other player if you can frame count and figure out exactly when the best time is to execute a move. Fascinating. Like, well, I say fascinating,

fucking dull, but fascinating at the same time. Do these people perhaps benefit from a little bit of variation in their life? No. No? Alright, fair enough. No.

Shall we step away from speed running, speed run our way through an ad break, and then speed run our way again through some emails? Yes. Okay, Luke,

don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Calcutta. Yeah. Yeah. I think we should get some new jingles, but that's on you. Why is that on me?

Create your own jingle. I'd like to see you do a jingle, mate. I sent you an idea for one yesterday. An idea for one. That's not doing the work, is it? I sent you the YouTube link and everything. Yeah, but I was at my mum's, wasn't I? Oh, yeah.

Mum, fire up Adobe Audition you the YouTube link and everything. Yeah, but I was at my mum's, wasn't I? Oh yeah. Mum, fire up Adobe Audition that you have on your laptop. Would your mum even understand the question? No. She doesn't understand a lot of what I said,

to be fair. She just stares at me blankly. She can join the club. And then says, do you want a cup of tea? Would you like to hear an email from Jake? Yes,

I would. Jake is based in Kyoto, Japan, Pete. Is it Kyoto or Kyoto? Kyoto. Kyoto. Jake says, I grew up in rural Aiken, South Carolina, USA.

I'm Aiken for you, love. My town has two high schools. Oh. Aiken for your high schools. I went to one on the north side of town, and my best friend went to South Aiken High School, which generally had a much higher income, upper class population. Oh.

We played club soccer together, and in the off season of my freshman year, he invited me to come to a fitness training event at South Aitken called Junior Olympics. Now to fully understand how horrifying the following event was for me, you've got to know that South Aitken was that school across town where all of the hottest girls went.

14 year old me doing laps around the track and jogging the stairs of the football stadium surrounded by these 17- and 18-year-old beauties from across town was naturally trying to push hard. Clearly that would have been the thing that would impress them and win me their hearts. I think we saw as well the ideas that teenage boys have about what makes you attractive.

And also, as a 14 year old thinking that a 17 or 18 year old would be impressed with anything you're fucking doing they're looking at 24 year olds

with motorbikes yeah definitely specifically with motorbikes they're looking at Ryan Gosling in The Place Beyond the Pine that's what they're looking at what do you think

girls find attractive in you now Pete has anything changed since you were 14? My bandy legs. They like my... Your white hot badinage. My screaming. Yeah.

And you're quite well dressed as well, so girls probably like that too. Anyway, Jake says, about 45 minutes into the training, we moved into the centre of the football field to do core work. Planks, six inches, etc. Gee, that sounds miserable. Pretty full on for a 14 14 year old in the middle of this circle of people i nearly

idolized and barely knew exhausted and being barked at by the track coach i proceeded mid push up to rip out a massive fart i immediately dropped to my stomach and buried my face in the ground if the shame wasn't bad enough already, the coach standing over me loudly said to the crowd, you're going to have to pay for that grass you've just killed. A few minutes later, we were doing more laps, and I broke from the group and ran straight out of the stadium and sat alone in the back of my friend's car, waiting until the event ended like the embarrassed saddo I was.

I hope this memory will bring some joy to you and the other listeners because it's brought me nothing but pain over the years. Cheers, Jake. That's magical. And Pete, you're speaking as a man who could fart at will at that age. I know, right, yeah. I think, Jake, you just had to sell that and go, Oh, check out my fart, everyone.

You've heard of planking, well, have you heard of farting? Because I've just done one. I like the idea that he's doing it. Arigato gozaimasu. He makes out that these girls he's trying to impress, I mean, are they doing the fitness as well or are they watching?

No, they must be working out as well. Because otherwise there's some fart for them to hear it from the stands when he's in the centre of the football field. It's like a load of birds. Yeah. Oh, very good. Magical.

Magical. that is magic Jake Jake could you find out what the word fart is in Japanese because I'd like to know um bannatyne update do you want to do this one or shall I do this one

I think I should be the bannatyne correspondent okay you do you do bannatyne update you won't do it with any enthusiasm that's why have you got a bannatyne jingle there

no I haven't I'm out I'm out I'm out uh hi Luke and Pete this is from James N he says I'm listening. Have you got a Bantam jingle there? No, I haven't. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Hi Luke and Pete, this is from James N. He says, I'm listening to your

podcast on a train, so unfortunately no batteries to hand. Magical. I felt compelled to write in as I feel I can contribute to the Bantam update

and your discussion about being left and right handed. Although this isn't recent news on Mr. Bantam's activity, I hope this will pad out some of his backstory.

Around 30 years ago my grandparents used to live next to Mr. Bantam when he lived in Darlington. My grandparents are the nicest people in the world, so I was shocked when they described him as a nasty piece of work. Apparently, he on many occasions refused to lower the height of a hedgerow, causing my grandparents' house to be in the shade.

To this day, they refuse to acknowledge the existence of the man and audibly cheer when candidates on Dragon's den choose other dragons over him now the second contribution is that elephants are left or right-handed you can tell which side they favor by their tusks as elephants can eat barks and bark and roots they mostly use either their right or left tusk to dig and pry bark off a tree so after a while one of their tusks will become visibly more one down than the other, indicating that they too can be left or right handed, or left or right tusked, if you will. Nice. Keep up the good work, James N. That was so

entertaining and informative and that's it. One of them is a big grey thing that makes lots of noise and the other one is an elephant. Ah, brilliant work. Luke, we haven't done one for a while. It's time.

Let there be justice for all. Let there be peace for all. It's one small step for man. You don't understand. Willie was a salesman. Say simply, very simply, with hope, good morning. Man Carter is back. It's been such a long time.

Man Carter. This one is nominated, or rather given to us by a lovely man by the name of Shriram Shridharan. That's massively incorrect. Apologies, Shriram. name of Shriram Shridharan. That's massively incorrect. Apologies, Shriram. It's Shriram Shridharan. It's a good effort, though. I run a best endeavour service when it comes to names. I really do.

I thought you were going to do Menkata this week about the apple of death. What? There's an apple of death, Menkata. What? Maybe I'll follow up with it if we have time. No, I'm Shriram. Hello again from Mumbai, India. All Pat's batteries

checking in. That might be an Indian brand, you never know. Good to hear from you. We've had Kolkata and Mumbai. Yeah, lovely. I would like to draw

your attention to the fable of Iron Mike Malloy. Iron Mike Malloy. An Irishman living in New York in the 1920s and 30s, Mr. Malloy earned the adage

unlikable. Sorry, not likable. The unlikable Mike Malloy. An Irishman living in New York in the 1920s and 30s, Mr. Molloy earned the adage unlikable. Sorry, not likable. The unlikable Mike Molloy. He earned the adage unkillable. Right, I was going to say. After surviving six attempts at his life by acquaintances. I mean, that sounds like you're unlikable as well, to be quite frank. But these people, these acquaintances, had taken

out a massive life insurance on Ian Mike Molloy. Are you allowed to take out life insurance on someone else? Yeah. That seems like a bit of a... Pete, can you imagine? I'm not sure if you and I left the studio now, went to a life insurance place and said,

we'd like to take a life insurance out deposit on this person, please. Yeah, exactly. They're going to go, alarm bells will be ringing. No, can I have a look in your bag? No, you can't. The attempts bordering on the farcical were as follows. So all of his acquaintances hated him. And also they had, you know, a massive life insurance hit on him.

Here's all of the ways they tried to kill him. Number one, Malloy was giving unlimited credit at the bar, presuming that he would drink himself to death on the bar's low quality booze. I mean, that is a low percentage choice. A high percentage choice of alcohol. Yeah. This did not work. Number two, they fed him then Wolf. Wolf? God, I high percentage choice of alcohol. Yeah. This did not work. Number two, they fed him then wolf,

wolf, God, I can't talk to this, sorry, wood alcohol, which was poisonous when he was drunk. I don't know how that, is that just alcohol made out of wood? Yeah. It's incredibly poisonous. Yeah, doesn't sound very nice. This also seemingly had no effect on the hardy Mike Malloy. Not disheartened by the offence of number two above,

Mr. Malloy was then fed oysters that had been marinated in the said poisonous wood alcohol. Again, no effect. Nor did a sandwich of rotten sardines mixed with tin shavings, broken glass and carpet tacks do the trick. I mean, hang on a minute, read that one again. Sandwich filled with rotten sardines mixed with tin shavings, broken glass and carpet tacks.

How's he even going to eat that? He's got to be drunk for that. He's got to be absolutely off his face on wood alcohol. Incredible. Escalating their efforts, once Malloy had passed out yet again on the aforementioned wood alcohol, he was stripped of his clothes,

drenched in water, and dumped on a park bench in temperatures well below freezing. The gang were astounded to bump into Malloy in the bar's basement the next day. Wild night last night. This is a nightmare.

Adop adopting a more direct approach they then simply ran over him with a car however they were scared away from the scene of the crime

by another passing car and hence could not collect the insurance and since they weren't able to locate Malloy's body when they returned to the scene later

lo and behold Mike Malloy turned up the bar a few days later with no memory of the incident and a few broken bones that is so good

get this though they did eventually manage to kill the Irishman by suffocating him with a gas pipe in 1933. Ha ha! I mean,

took them a while. Do the gas pipe first. Do that, yeah. Do that first. None of those, none of those ideas are anywhere near the top ten ways

I would try about to kill someone. I'll try. Give him a sandwich. Ha ha ha ha. Eat this sandwich it's a bit like do you know what that

reminds me of Pete it reminds me of the Rasputin story oh yeah where they just try to well there was quite a lot yeah they often

apparently they tried to give him cakes laced with potassium cyanide and he just kept eating them and wouldn't die then they gave him cyanide tainted wine

which apparently he drank three glasses of and didn't die so they shot him cyanide tainted wine, which apparently he drank three glasses of and didn't die. So they shot him. Apparently the guy maintains that he shot him really close to the heart, but he just didn't die. He started attacking the guy who shot him, and they ended up running

away from him. He then followed them. They fired, they shot him four more times to make you know just and he's obviously slumped over

this is I think this story is disputed but it's well well told then they wrapped him up shot him four more times wrapped him up

bundled him into a vehicle or whatever took him to a frozen river which they chucked him into off a bridge he eventually died but as rumour has it

there were scratch marks found on the underside of the yacht I'm having that They chucked him into off a bridge. He eventually died. But as rumour has it, there were scratch marks found on the underside of the eye. Yeah, that's nonsense. I'm having that. I am having that. So people who are very hard to kill. Keith Richards, another one. Keith Richards is very hard to kill.

Didn't he roundhouse kick Ivan Dandor once? Possibly. In a drug den. He also fell out of a tree, didn't he? He had to have a repair worked on his head. A coconut tree or something yeah I think it might have been yeah

I think it might have been he was getting some coconuts have you seen the coconut spider have we spoken about the coconut

spider before yeah of course we have I told you about it it's more of a crab really isn't it

sorry not spider crab it's more of a crab really isn't it you were saving my feelings there weren't you

more of a crab really more of a crab by which I mean it's a crab it's a crab yeah It's a crab. Yeah, if you want to catch us at the show,

I'm going to say hello, give us some emails. Crying out loud, we can't do this without you. Can I do a very quick supplementary Mankata before we go? Because I feel like

people will forget otherwise. From Daniel, who says... Do it again. Do it again, do it again. Apples in the world. Let there be peace for all. If one small step apples in the world starting now alright will do

stop looking at your phone I've just got a missed call I was wondering who it's from who was it from it's from you you dick what no it's not really Daniel says

hello recently enjoyed the discussion on apples no one sent us any apples yet. Send them over. But he said, I just wanted to make sure you two were safe with the impending apple deliveries that you're going to get.

As Pete said, you get some weird pricks in the world and even though it's unlikely one of your beloved listeners would want to harm you, I still need to tell you about a particular apple. It can be known

as a manzanilla de la muerte. Little apple of death. It's not an actual apple but has a similar leaf and fruit shape and this is where the similarity stopped i hear it's more of a crab um apparently this um little apple of death uh contains three um well some very very strong toxins um which can cause skin irritants uh dermatitis. Even if you stand under the tree during a rainstorm. Yeah, right, it could get on you. Well, yeah, it will cause blistering of the skin.

Whoa. If you burn the tree, you can cause ocular injuries if the smoke reaches your eyes. And contact with this milky sap can cause further dermatitis and a form of conjunctivitis. Who's growing these things? I don't know. The fruit is possibly fatal

if eaten. Apparently though, it tastes pleasantly sweet with a strange peppery feeling gradually progressing to a burning, tearing sensation. Apparently symptoms continue when you eat one and they worsen until the patient

can barely swallow solid food because of the excruciating pain and the feeling of a huge obstructive pharyngeal lump. They grow in Curacao, apparently, and the way that the locals avoid them is by painting a red X on the trunk. So just be aware that when you're getting apples sent to you, none of them are manzanilla de la muerte, or little apple of death.

Could you not just take a shot of, like, what's that stuff that they give you if your throat closes off? Oh, adrenaline, isn't it? Yeah, like adrenaline or the EpiPens or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you not take one of those first and then just chow it down? Because it sounds delicious. It sounds delicious at first, Pete.

Literally at first. Well, just spit out after that bit. What do you like? Yeah. What do you like in your apples? A burning, tearing sensation. Yeah, exactly. Lovely.

Yeah, there you go. Stay clear of the little apple of death. That's my message. Get out of it. Get out of it. Right. See you next time. We'll see you next time.

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