The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 66: Do not exit your vehicle

Episode Date: May 24, 2018

School stories aplenty this time around as the great and good of The Luke and Pete Show community deliver us some of their most cringeworthy tales, we try to separate art from the artist, and there's an opportunity to imagine a young Pete gaily skipping through a horse's field on the way to school every morning.And if that wasn't enough, we talk gorillas, farting (again), and possibly the worst parenting story of the year, involving a car, a toddler and a coalition of cheetahs. Seriously, we're ticking every box.Tell us tall tales here: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 🎵Hot in the City🎵 🎵Hot in the City tonight🎵 It's Hot in the City, guys, and it's about to get hotter because Luke and Pete are here to give you the Luke and Pete show. Oh yeah! 🎵Hot Hot down summer in the city.

Back of my neck fiddling dirty gritty. There's lots of hot songs about the city and the summertime. Have a drink, have a drive. Smooth, which by

Rob Thomas and Santana. Wait man, it's a hot one. Give me a hug, make it real or else forget about it. Yeah.

That's the one, right? Yeah. I'd find that song, Dom. It's the Return of Luke and Peach or episode 66, by my reckoning. I got it right? You did. I was off my dome piece, as you might say, Luke. Straight off the damn dome piece.

Straight off the damn dome piece. And, yeah, we're back with more fun and games, reading out your emails and all kinds of lovely stuff. It is a Thursday? You can't even remember. It is a Thursday. Yeah, it must be. And it's near the freaking weekend, guys.

It's the freaking weekend, baby. I'm about to... Oh, you can't. It's R. Kelly. You can't sing him anymore. Oh, yeah, I know. You cannot sing him anymore. Was it Spotify have stopped algorithmically putting his songs in,

which is long overdue, isn't it? They have. The problem with the music is there's a lot of people who are quite problematic. It's all art. It's all art. From James Brown to Dr. Dre to everyone, really. Well, they say, can you separate the art from the artist, Pete? Botticelli was a murderer.

Was he? Who did he murder? Don't know. No one famous. No one famous? I think it's Botticelli. I can't lie to? Who did he murder? Don't know. No one famous. No one famous? I think it's Botticelli. I heard he... I can't lie to you.

He could do about 400 years. I heard he chased... God. Why have I got Geronimo on my head? Who did you tell last week? The Rasputin. Oh, yeah. Geronimo.

No, Rasputin, yeah. And I only remember, like, when... There used to be an advert of... Yeah. It was an advert for condoms, or using a condom. And it was an old man. It was a British old man. He was from Yorkshire or something.

He was like, back in the day, back in the day, yeah, it was something called a Geronimo. And he said he still had his, and he got it out of a case, basically. It was a reusable rubber sheath that you'd have to put on your wanger. And it looked very unlovable, very thick,

Geronimo condom. But it was a multi-use condom. Right. Unwelcome. Where does this come from? Like my memories. My memoirs. In my head, I had the famous American Geronimo,

but then I thought about the condom, the multi-use condom. And you've got one of those with you today? I'm wearing one right now. You never know when you're going to be lucky. You cannot be too safe. Never know. This is absolutely audio sex. I'm allergic to my own tragedy.

Let's keep it safe. Let's keep it safe. Pete, what have you been up to, my friend? Thinking about condoms mainly. Thinking about condoms mainly, doing bits and bobs, hanging out,

chilling, relaxing, shooting some b-ball outside the school, which my sister thought was shooting some people outside the school. Shooting some b-ball outside the school, which my sister thought was shooting some people outside the school. I mean, that would be a real swerve, wouldn't it? Yeah, he'd murdered people outside his school.

He just got, you know. It was Caravaggio that was a murderer, not Botticelli. Stop besmirching the good name of Botticelli. Sorry, it was Caravaggio. He's a right shit. That'll get you in the Botticelli at some point. Botticelli did nothing. Nothing like that. What was Caravaggio's murder victim?

I'll tell you if you want. I'm going to look it up. Making a murderer. Maybe he was just in the frame for another murder. Maybe he just wanted to see WrestleMania. Maybe he did.

Maybe he did. Why don't you tell us what you've been up to apart from that. Stop stalling and tell us and I'll look up Caravaggio's crimes. I've done very little

to be honest this week. It's been quite quiet. You've been beaten by me quite heavily at FIFA. I can't get my head around this at all. I mean, I'm a man

who likes to get, I like to get in a FIFA, but the other lads from the Football Ramble, a fine football podcast, have started playing FIFA and I'm not very good at it, which is very upsetting.

Very upsetting indeed. Listen to this quote about Caravaggio. We know far more about Caravaggio than most pre-modern artists because he was brought to trial so often. That's good, isn't it? There we go.

Not too bad, is it? I've not been up to an awful lot, really. Basically planning for this and looking forward to the World Cup, but that's another story. And if you want to hear all about that, you can hear about that on the Football Ramble. I'm getting quite...

Well, I'm getting World Cup fever. I'm worried. Yeah, I am. It always happens. Like, it's really weird. What's the treatment for World Cup fever? England's performances. The direct correlation between excitement and, yeah.

You know, we talked a bit about, so you mentioned it, we talked a bit last week about, sorry, last show, I keep saying last week, last show about Rasputin and last show I keep saying last week, last show about Rasputin and the guy, what was his name the unkillable Iron Mike

Malloy or whatever it's called, someone else got in touch with a similar thing excuse me which was the story of Betty Lou Oliver have you heard about this? No. So Betty Lou Oliver she was working on the 80thth story the empire state

building on july 28th 1945 on that day she was a thick fog a b-25 mitchell bomber crashed into the north side of the building oops it struck the 79th floor and she was on the 80th floor in the elevator she was thrown um from it and received severe burns her pelvis back and neck were also broken after treating her injuries first aid workers put her back in an elevator send her down to the main floor the cables of that elevator had been weakened by the crash and they broke plummeting her 75 stories to the basement, but she survived. The reason she survived, get this, 300 metres of elevator cable had fallen to the bottom of the shaft,

which created a massively soft landing surface. So she basically just plunged into a big bouncy castle type thing and survived. It'd still be pretty harsh, I'd say, but also that's what they say, the only, I mean very few people

survive the elevator fall like that. Certainly that amount of floor, but you should lie on your back. If you know it's going down, lie on your back. Is that true? Is that what you should do? To absorb the impact, to give you more surface area. Right. I thought you could just jump at the end. That's what everybody thinks. Glenn Bevinson that in, thanks for that, Glenn.

And apparently Betty Lou's elevator fall still stands as the Guinness World Record for the longest survived elevator fall. Didn't she continue to work at the building? I think that was the case. Did she? I think that was the story. Well, you can't just quit your job, can you?

You need the money. I'll just say, look, can I get a transfer to the first floor? Please. Yeah, I always get... All of the horrible videos I've seen online of people hurting themselves in elevators

it's always they're getting out of the elevator or going in the elevator the elevator starts dropping and they jump out and they get their legs torn

they're done they're done mate or somebody like drove like a they drove like a like a miniature cart

you know a little kind of carts people who can't walk have like a mobility scooter yeah something went wrong and they just kept ramming the door and the door just gives way carts, you know, little kind of... Carts for people who can't walk. Like a mobility scooter? Yeah, something went wrong

and they just kept ramming the door and the door just gives way and they just fall into the elevator. What a mess. Are you scared? Do you have any fear

of elevators? A lot of people do, don't they? None of my fears are like I won't do something. It's just a bit like occasionally if I remember that I'm scared of it

I'll do a little skip out to get caught in the middle. Do you have any phobias at all? Like an irrational fear of anything? It's the ankle thing. I think it's the only one that really gets me. I think I really sort of like, oh, that's gross.

But it's just not wanting to watch something. I'm pretty not squeamish. I'm not scared of flying or anything. It's pretty standard. Outside of my rounds of expertise, really. I used to have a bit of a phobia of flying but I'm okay now. I thought it was an Eric Jorg but I'm okay now.

I used to be a wolf. Never mind. Someone told me quite a funny joke the other day. I went to a birthday party and the guy whose birthday it was, his dad was there and he's one of these older sort of raconteur kind of guys and he told quite a funny joke which was he said a man goes into the library and says,

hello, I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for that new book about men with tiny penises. And the librarian says, I don't think it's in yet. And he goes, yeah, that's the one. Lovely old job. There we go. All right, then let's do some emails after this. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me mate

pipe down Pete I told you never to argue with the customers well that's up to us isn't it strap yourselves in because I've got about three or four really good

emails here that I want to do alright then but you're welcome to go first if you want no you kick off mate you satisfy the beast inside I'm just making a night

of the advert time for you Pete I've written it down we've made a tacit agreement that I would be writing them down do you want to hear a note of the advert time for you, Pete. I've written it down. Oh, you've done it. We've made a tacit agreement that I would be writing them down. Do you want to hear from friend of the show, Murray James? Yay, Murray James. Very quickly, Murray gets in touch and says,

Question, what's worse than having your own mother teach you sex education at school? Something we heard about four or five episodes ago. Answer, being taught your first sex education class at 11 by your mum and your second one at age 13 by your dad. Both my parents were teachers. I went to their school. i had to sit there while my friend laurie edwards asked my dad if it's a wreck penis pointed slightly upwards as the vagina is similarly sloped i wanted to shit out my own eyes thanks murray it's obviously stuck with you murray yeah very nice i love that murray i also came in with the names. Murray will sometimes text me with little WhatsApp voice messages pretending to be either Jeff Bezos, owner of Amazon, is it?

Yeah, he owns Amazon, doesn't he? Yeah. Who does Tesla? Whoever that guy is. Elon Musk. Elon Musk. All of these rich men. He keeps texting me voice messages from saying,

hey, man, why don't you hang out with me? The big one was Mark from Facebook. I'll follow the bit. Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg. You know who Mark Zuckerberg is? He calls him the Zuck. The Zuck here, man.

There was that quality, those memes about Zuckerberg when he gave evidence to that committee about him being like an android. Brilliant. He does seem so odd. I just like watching him. Why do you think he's so odd? Do you think he's a bit of a nerd anyway he's just so out of touch

with normal life that he's gone yeah massively but then you know if you put anyone in a dock effectively they're going to seem like weird

Mike Ashley came across alright he did actually that annoyed me more he came across quite normal yeah I just wonder at what point

do you get so far detached from modern I don't know why I'm asking you this Jesus so far detached from normal life that you don't know

what you're doing anymore. No. But you, in a way, Pete, I think you and I, but you particularly, are quite departed

from normal life. What do you mean? Well, you don't have a normal job, you don't keep normal hours, you don't do

anything hard. Uh, really. What do I do with you? It's not that hard, is it? It's not as weird, we do a,

we do a three-er on the Luton Peach Show. Whoa. Manly. True, true. So that firstly. True, true. So that first email from Murray was good. I've got a load lined up here, Pete, so you take your pick of the ones you want, Matt,

and I'll chip in as well. All right, then. Callum, embarrassing school stories. Long time listener. First time emailer. Just the bog stand, Panasonic batteries in the work TV remote. I'm getting in touch regarding embarrassing school scenarios from episode 62.

When I was 16 and in my final year of high school, I was in a pastoral class. TV remote. I'm getting in touch regarding embarrassing school scenarios from episode 62. When I was 16 and in my final year of high school, I was in a pastoral class. This generally involved learning life skills like first aid, how to write a CV, et cetera. However, during one warm summer's afternoon pastoral class involving involved learning CPR on a medical dummy while watching our Mr.

Sorry. We're watching our teacher, Mr. Burke teach the basics. I started to feel nauseous before blacking out. I later found out that I'd fallen backwards off my chair and smashed my head into the wall. Mr. Burke thought I was taking the piss so told my laughing classmates to leave

me there as I was just a clown. Once I didn't move for five minutes, he clearly began to panic. My next memory was waking up in class, surrounded by my mates, whilst a librarian called Mrs. Dooley pulled away from my face, having done CPR on me. My blood ran cold at the idea I had just been necked by the octogenarian,

and I promptly blacked out again. My next memory was being transported from the classroom into the ambulance. God knows why this happened, whether it was because I was 6'3 and were on the second floor, I don't know. But the ambulance staff decided they wouldn't put me on the proper stretcher, but decided to put me in a pram they'd procured from the child development class and wheel me through to school instead.

My knuckles and legs dragged across the floors of my delighted classmates looked on. Finally, in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, the paramedic asked if I'd soiled myself, as this was a common side effect of this kind of situation. I slowly had to put my hands down my trousers to check if they were full of shit or piss,

but thankfully, for the sake of my mental health, they were not. Thanks for making Monday and Thursday drive to work a pleasure, and I hope this brightens someone's day. All the best. Callum! That's pretty much it.

Callum being wheeled out in a pram. They've let him down there, I think. At that school, there's absolutely no sort of... All bets are off. Yeah, there's no contingency for this happening. No. It's almost like a kid gets falls falls in ill so bad that he can't uh walk himself out of school they're gonna use a pram kids thing is at that age though you just have a big ball of chemicals and so many things are going on i remember i was quite ill a couple of weeks before

i went to university thought because it was in the middle of a big meningitis break outbreak so they generally you know they took me to hospital i was sort of fainting and feeling like shit. And they generally thought I had some kind of meningococcal septicemia, as they call it. You were just anxious about uni, were you? I had a lumbar puncture and everything. I wasn't well. I don't know where I was.

I don't think they did either. Every week is a new ailment, isn't there? Oh, every week. Yeah. Never mind. What about this thing, Pete, from Chris? Similar vein. Morning, guys.

Just a brief one on embarrassing school stories. Another sex education issue. And while it's not quite my mum turning out and doodling me exiting her birth canal, as per your previous emailer, it felt just as bad for me at the time. In 1995, age 10, my parents decided that North was no longer the place for us and moved us a couple of hundred miles to leafy Surrey starting a new school in the final year of junior school could have been challenging particularly with a broad yorkshire accent in a class of southerners and while my accent took some stick what was most interesting was the girls in class seemed to be

showing me some interest which was a stark contrast to the tepid response i received from the opposite sex at my old school perhaps Perhaps they found the way I pronounce nowt exotic. Deeply ingrained in my memory, I found myself on a table during wet break after sex ed class with four girls that were clearly in the cool group, doing whatever could be considered the 10 year old version of flirting and showing a lot of interest talking to the new boy. I was getting laughs and on a bit of a giddy high when talk moved to our sex ed class. One of the girls started talking about periods classic flirting chat and they began talking about what they would be like and what they should expect still on my giddy high and woefully uneducated when it came to this sort

of stuff i mentally mixed up the word period and the word puberty and blurted out yeah i've actually already started mine cue that agonising moment of silence as everyone registered what I'd announced before bursting out laughing and running off to tell their friends in other classes

I'd flown too close to the sun and now all the cool girls in class thought the new boy had periods the only silver lining was that I only had

one more year left before senior school and I could try and destroy my reputation in front of a whole new group of kids it made me cringe to write this

thanks guys Chris what he should have done is Chris is got so angry reputation in front of a whole new group of kids. It made me cringe to write this. Thanks guys. Chris. What he should have done is Chris got so angry at the whole situation flopped it out and just pissed blood everywhere. I take it like this. You can piss blood on the man as well can you fit? I'm a medical marvel. Just punch myself in the balls.

That is outrageous. Listen these mistakes do happen and I do feel sorry for Chris I'm sure there are people out there who've done something just as bad if not worse

Pete have you got anything to lend to that in a way of encouragement for Chris I'm going through the menopause right now so

I actually thought the menopause let me get this right I thought the menopause was like I thought you stopped your periods when you were like 40 and then your menopause came when does the menopause um was like i thought you stopped your periods um when you were like 40

and then your menopause came when does the menopause kick in about 47 different people i think yeah it's a time when a woman stops having periods you can no longer get pregnant no no but like yeah but like um i thought that the period stopped at around about 40 and then you started the menopause at um 50 which is obviously fucking ridiculous because you start babies well into your 40s. Well, I think it depends different for different people. Yeah, but it's not like period stops

and then you've got 10 years and then the menopause. It's literally period stops and then menopause. It isn't being a woman fucking miserable. You're supposed to be lending support to Chris here.

Oh, sorry, yeah. How can Chris take encouragement from this? Just don't say it again. Yeah. Just don't say it again. Yeah. Just don't talk utter shit. I think he's 33 now, so hopefully he knows the difference by now. Don't talk shit, Chris.

He might be a parent by now. You idiot. Pete, there's two emails there. One is titled Boy in Fight, and one is titled Man is Pants. I want you to do one of those, because I'm going to do the other one. Okay, I'll do Boy in Fight, because I can't read today. It's a bit shorter. This is from Al Cook in Starbridge is from Alcook in Starbridge.

Hello, Alcook in Starbridge. Where's Starbridge, Pete? I don't know. We should have a little guess as to where these places are. I think it might be near Hull. Apparently, it is in the metropolitan borough of Dudley in the West Midlands. Oh, lovely. Lovely part of the world.

Well, Alcook says hi, people, maybe. Got a bit of an embarrassing school story. One day in year eight, one of my peers thought it would be amusing to throw my shoe around the playground. That is a wanker's trick. That is a wanker's trick. This made me so incandescent with rage, I started to fight him. Pretty soon into the fight, I realized my opponent was not fighting back

as he was in fits of laughter. It was then I realized that I was making kung fu film style sound effects as I was throwing my punches. That is class. That is school, isn't it? It was pretty difficult to carry on the fight after that. To rub salt into the wounds, the fight was witnessed by a teacher and we were both suspended from lessons for a day and a half.

Thank you, Alcott. Did you hear the rumour that when Ewan McGregor was cast in the frankly awful The Phantom Menace, he had to redo a load of his lightsaber scenes because he was making the noise with his mouth and they could see that his mouth was a funny shape. Yeah, wasn't there... He was going...

Didn't... Not Laura Dern, I think. Somebody was... Some actor was in one of the prequels that have just been released and she was also gone when she had a blaster that was Laura Dern

in The Last Jedi was it not was it Laura Dern I think it might have been was she in The Last Jedi yeah oh good on her yeah

good on her getting work she's in after Jurassic Park what a movie yeah what a movie yeah what a movie what a movie

classic scene in Jurassic Park one of the best ever scenes is when they see the big brontosaurus for the first time and Sam Neill's character what a movie yeah what a movie what a movie classic scene in Jurassic Park one of the best ever scenes is when they see the big brontosaurus for the first time and Sam Neil's character

shouts shit he literally the whole thing goes quiet and he goes fuck about fucking hell they do go in herds look at the size of that

black asiatic bear he used to be a puppy you've got a bear on your t-shirt which is black it's a great bear yeah

the great bear listen to this email Peter from Ashley he says hello gents hope you're well

I'd love to share a harrowing story of mine which the listeners hopefully should enjoy when I was about 14 or 15 there was a phase where me and the boys

would try and embarrass each other by pulling down each other's shorts in PE. At the start of every term, we would all take part in a test of physical strength in a series of exercises using the gym apparatus that would fold away against the wall. Oh, I love that. That's classic. That, isn't it? Yeah, it's old school. That stuff, and there would be so much

stuff that you never used. Yeah. I just think in the 70s they went, that's dangerous. That's going to kill a kid, climbing up that bloody rope. Yeah, we used to do it well into the 70s they went, that's dangerous, that's going to kill a kid climbing up that bloody rope. Yeah, we used to do it well into the 80s, early 90s, yeah. He said, I don't know if they're still used

these days, but we would use the wooden benches that had a hook on the underside at one end and attach it to a wooden bar, therefore essentially creating a standing bench press exercise. In small groups,

we would have six seconds to do as many reps as we could at the standing bench press. I went first, oblivious to the fact that I hadn't tied up my shorts. Quite literally, a schoolboy error.

Usually when you're pantsed or kegged, we used to call it de-bagged when we were kids. De-bagged? Yeah. Your instincts kick in and you manage to pull up your shorts and spare your blushes.

I wish I could say I was afforded that luxury. There I am, 20 seconds into it pressing that bench like arnie and his pomp i'm holding the bench high above my head when i get flanked by two of my mates who rip my shorts right down to my ankles taking my boxer shorts with them exposing my chopper to not only the boys but all the girls and three pe teachers two of whom were female and couldn't even keep their laughter in. With no other option

but to slowly lower the bench back to the floor while 50 people stare, tears rolling down their cheeks, I yanked my shorts up and ran into the changing rooms and locked myself in the cubicle until the class had finished

and everyone left. Safe to say, a very little part of me died that day, but all the best, Ashley. That's the thing, right? I wish I'd known what I know now. Own it. Run after the people who did it with your willy out.

Cause then you flipped it on them. Show more people it. Yeah. Just run out and go, you've created this monster. You're going to have to deal with it. And my willy's going near you. So your solution to Ashley,

who's just had his, you know, involuntarily, he's had his penis exposed to 50 people, is to show it to double that amount. Exactly. And make sure you're not on your boy period. Anyway, hello to Giles. Good old Giles.

I mean, you've written a title of this, but I'm not going to read it out. I've never met anyone called Giles. Randroth? Corrin? Peterson? Yeah. Pete, I always put little bolded headlines

at the top so you know what the email's about, that you can decide whether you want to do it or not. Well, of course I want to do this one. Hi Luke and Pete,

long-time listener and first-time emailer rocking some golden power super plus batteries in my TV remote, loving the school stories on the show, and I'd like to

offer my own. Pete, I love the design of the golden power. Is that the one with the line on it? It's really good. It's a really good design. No, it's just really good font.

Great typeface, guys. I believe it's known as a typeface. Okay. It's a great typeface. It is a great typeface. Yeah. I took food technology as a GCSE option

for the simple reason that my teacher lied to my parents in a bid to get enough students to run the class by telling them at parents' evening that I showed a natural talent for the subject.

I did not. The one perk of the subject with eyes was that i got to bring ingredients in every week i would often try and save some for the break time snack my best friend stew would often help himself to my tasty treats one particular lesson offered me a great chance to teach my best friend a life lesson of his own in this lesson i was offering my fellow classmates a taste test of the difference between diabetic chocolate and regular lint chocolate whilst Oh dear. I mean, that's how Exlax used to do it. Remember Exlax used to have like chocolate flavors? Yeah.

Poo poo bar. It's called the poo poo bar. The poo poo bar. Excuse me, which way to the poo poo bar? The rapper recommended no more than 20 pieces

over the course of the day. I had saved my friend around 30 pieces, which he duly displaced within a 10 minute break. I wasn't in his next lesson, but at second

break he complained of having a bit of a stomach ache. Luckily for me, we had science together next and I got to witness the full effects of the laxatives take hold. My best friend Becanta sweat profusely and rocked back and forth in his chair with discomfort. This must have got so bad because he put his pencil in his mouth to bite down on. This continued for around 10 minutes before he let out an ear-shattering fart and screamed at an amused science teacher, I need to be excused.

He didn't wait for a reply and sprinted from our classroom. The science block was a collection of makeshift cabins at the bottom of the playground. I don't know what your playground was like, but I mean, we just had so many classrooms that were just plumbed in. They were just cabins, basically. So many of them.

Yeah, and so the whole class got to watching, in which we were delighted to discuss as his best friend sprinted right across the playground to the main school, pausing halfway for what I can only imagine was the moment that his body couldn't fight the urge anymore. He went straight home. He didn't return to school for the rest of the week, and his mother called my mother to find out if I knew what happened.

Eventually, they figured out that it must have been the chocolate. I feign innocence in the accidental mix-up of rappers and our friendship can continue on. Pooing yourself in front of the whole class aged 16 probably isn't the best school experience and I always think back to that day with the mixture of guilt and joy. It was bloody hilarious. We lost contact after school but I still see him from time to time

because he lives opposite me. None the wiser about the lesson I gave him. Oh, he didn't ever steal my food again. If he's listening, Stu, I am pretty sorry. That's from Giles Smith of King Road in... That is very, very good. Fantastic. Did you, Pete, were you someone who,

because I know from experience, my friends told me that some of them would refuse to go for a number two at school. Yeah, I was never a big poo-poo. How far away from the school did you live, though? Across the horse's field, about half an hour walk. Across the horse's field? Yeah, we've spoken about this before.

I've actually got chased by horses. No, we haven't. I've never heard this before. We literally have. The listeners will have remembered. Well, you cut across a horse's field? Yeah, to get to the... Otherwise, you had another ten minutes to walk.

So you cut across a horses field and the farmer even though they had right away because it had a style and I think it was part of a little walk

but he just put three nasty three of his nastiest horses in the field to try and get people to not go through

there did you ever try and ride one of them you should have tried to ride one of them you're probably

allergic to horses are you no that's the one thing I'm not I think we spoke about my allergies before cats, dogs, certain trees not horses

so I got a little horse little Shetland pony yeah that would have been lovely I used to walk the quick way to school on the way to school which is about 20 minutes

but I used to go the long way home because I used to walk home with some other friends so I used to go the long way around I remember walking the most exciting thing

that happened in that horses field was somebody had parked a car just outside the horse's field. And these bigger lads, wrong-uns, absolute wrong-uns from our school. Like, he just did it as like, he just did it like just out of, like he was walking home, he just fancied it. He just jumped on the bonnet of this car that had been parked there, put his foot through the windscreen,

and him and his friend just sat to it, Street Fighter 2 style, and just beat the shit out of this car. What? And it was the most scariest thing I'd ever seen in my life. What weapons did they have? He just put his foot straight through the windscreen, like, you know, made a compressed kind of fracture sort of thing. And then they just set about pulling off wing mirrors

and beating the shit out of this car. Whose car was it? They had no idea. I had no idea. Were they scary? It was just, I think the act of just setting about a car was just really kind of frightening. It was like, bloody hell.

Do you know who they were by name? I don't remember their names, but they were naughty lads. What are they doing now, do you reckon? I probably think they're in prison. Yeah, like Caravaggio was for a bit. Yeah, that was, I was always quite bit. Yeah, I was always quiet. I mean, because of the way school is set out, obviously, different year groups and stuff,

I feel like, and because you're younger, of course, and years mean a lot when you're younger, because you've not been alive for so long, but I do think that the sort of separating out of years at school made it a lot more pronounced, right? So someone who's a year older than you, that would mean a lot at school, wouldn't it? Oh, hugely.

And you never went out with a girl older than you or younger than you. I had this weird, well, this lucky situation. I told you about him actually already, this guy called Paul. He used to live opposite me. When we started talking about people called Paul a few months ago.

And he was a year above me. And the year below me was like the worst year the school had ever had and it was already a bad school. I think it was the worst performing school in the county anyway and this year below was the worst year they'd ever had. By the time the year below got to like third or fourth year, the school was being like

closed and stuff for a day because they were causing mayhem. Anyway, because my friend Paul the year above me was known as one of the hard kids and we were good friends i never got like bothered i never got like hassled or anything like because i knew i was really good friends it was almost like having an ersatz older brother which was a big thing to have at school right but other than that stuff used to go on all the time at my school there was there was a um there was a fight in my school on the playing field once

between a couple of guys of my age. And one of them almost literally snapped the other guy's leg in half. It was horrible. There was one time when a guy got excluded from our school and he came back in normal clothes. Oh, you're hard. Actually, he was hard. And he started calling out a teacher. Like saying, I want so-and-so. I want him. I won't name him because it would be unfair. I want him. I want him. Get, he was hard. And he started calling out a teacher, like saying,

I want so-and-so. I want him. I won't name him because it'd be unfair. I want him. I want him. Get him out of here. I want to fight him. Get Mr. Armstrong out of here.

I'm going to fucking do him. Yeah. And the teacher came out and like bluffed him out of it, took his jacket off, took his tie off, rolled his sleeves up, said, right,

come on then, what are we doing here? And the guy was like, uh. Yeah. So, I'd love to see a teacher beat the shit out of a kid. In many ways, I think I've been all right in London because the school, said right come on then what are we doing here and the guy was like uh yeah so I'm not going to teach and beat the shit out of a kid

in many ways I think I've been alright in London because the school I went to was the most dangerous place I'm ever going to be mate before we go very very quickly I forgot to bring this up earlier

I want to get your opinion on it have you seen the unbelievable footage of that family who got out of their car on a safari park oh it's amazing, isn't it? My goodness me.

What is in their heads? The woman is carrying a baby. Incredible. So for those who haven't seen it, it's a safari park in the Netherlands. What do they think a safari park is? Beaksie Bergen Park, it's called. And this car, I think it's a Volkswagen Golf, set in the sea, and it's a black car. They pull over.

There are cheaters just knocking about. I know the cheetah is the smallest of the big cats, but it's a dangerous animal. And they just get out. The bloke gets out. The woman gets out holding a toddler. And at one point, it's almost like a scene in Jurassic Park where the raptors come in and they're looking around.

And I think the cheetahs almost don't quite know what to do because I suppose from their point of view it's like this is prey but it's quite big and they're quite tall and I don't really know

but they're in pounce position aren't they the cheetahs oh yeah they're ready to go and they actually start legging it after farming it's like what the flip it makes my hands go

scratchy watching it no one was hurt was there no I think they got back in their car but it was the way they sort of went, how dare, they need to keep

these animals under control. Like, they need to keep these animals under control. They're sort of like pompous attitude towards it, yeah. And the car that's following

them is going, is it near? Near? What's no in Dutch? No, no, no. Oh God,

no. The car behind them has a torch and it attracts the cheater that comes over. Honk it. They've got night vision Dutch no no no oh god no the car behind them has a torch and attracts the cheater that comes over honk it they got night

vision goggles on and a big goat gets disappeared what a mess yeah it was incredible it was one of the most compelling

videos I've seen for a long time I'm pleased they got out of it especially the kid I mean what chance has that kid got with parents like that

I bet they got a great Instagram shot out of it idiots Niels de Wilt of the Berkshire, Bergen Park said, the park makes it clear that visitors should not get out of their vehicles.

Jeez. I mean, and... That's why there's a fire park set up like that. I remember going to see a cheater and the man who looked after all of the animals, he basically went, I hate cheaters. Really?

They sometimes run so fast, they kill themselves. Wow. They can't keep up the pace of very long. No. Because their body overheats and they die. Right. He said, it's a shit animal. Like, he really, like, he's supposed to be looking up at the animal and he went,

it's a shit animal. It is the worst. They do look like sleekly designed for speed, don't they? Speaking of that, encountering animals in these types of situations, Bristol Zoo's got a legendary silverback gorilla called Jock. Jock. And it's massive. It's a wicked

gorilla. It sits out in the outdoor bit of its pen when it's feeding time. Every single time. Same time every day. And obviously, one of the attractions there is feeding time for the gorillas. And when it's feeding time, every single time, same time every day. And obviously one of the attractions there is feeding time for the grillers. And when it's feeding time, none of the other grillers will go out because he's the alpha male, so he gets to go out first. He goes out into the middle of the outdoor part of the pen,

sits on this little mound, and holds his hand out like that and waiting for the particular zookeeper to throw him a massive cabbage because they're vegetarian, right? Yeah. And he catches the cabbage and he just eats it like an apple. And only when he's finished like two cabbages do the other grillers know

they can come out and have their food. Anyway, so it's quite interesting, the dynamic. John's had his cabbage. It's interesting when people talk about alpha males and dynamic, and that's obviously where it comes from. But I always think whenever I go there,

our friends used to live very close there and they used to have a season ticket, so we used to go all the time i always used to think because the only thing keeping them in there is quite a wide sort of not a river but a stream with a little bit of fencing which is only about like three foot high which i suppose is probably electrified and it got it gets you thinking i mean i don't know what guerrilla's like relationship with water is but if a gorilla really wanted to get out could he get out of that like it's a stream okay it's probably quite deep and it's a three foot high electric fence they've probably thought about it to be honest and also electric fences are like quite startling if you get your hand on one yeah true but um the the apps i know this is like an obvious thing to say but they have an

indoor bit as well of course you can walk around that and sometimes you you might be lucky or unlucky depending which way you look at it um to see jock the alpha male like trying to stop another gorilla doing something he should be doing by banging the wall and the reverberations of its strength it could rip you to pieces man it could rip you to absolute pieces. They're such docile animals as well. That's what I like about them. And do you know why they've got

big crowns on top of their head? Doesn't that mean that they're the... I think only Alpha Males got those. Yeah, but do you know how they get it?

Oh, I don't know. It's the scar tissue and the build-up from grinding their teeth. Right, really? Yeah. That's interesting. Well, I've learned something

I probably got that wrong well I'm sure we'll find out next week because people do like getting involved with that kind of care

hello at lukeandpetecher.com if you want to tell us anything we've said that's wrong today or any other day or if you've got a

story to tell us we'll be back next time around for more of this kind of nonsense so goodbye peter corrections and clarifications we're ready to chuck them out there and pete guarantees some new jingles by next week fuck off