The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 67: A voice on a stick

Episode Date: May 28, 2018

On this episode of your all-new The Luke and Pete Show, we take time out to imagine what it would be like if The Pete wasn't 'a voice on a stick' but a BT engineer, sent out to make internet happen in your abode. Predictably, results are 'mixed'.After that, chat rapidly progresses into talk of Brian Blessed, what it takes to become a national treasure and presenters who in real life are shits, and of course plenty of stories from The Luke and Pete Show Community, including misbehaviour at school, the accidental and tragic death of a cat, and a dreadfully-timed erection.For all your usual chitter-chatter, it's [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Luke and Pete Show. I am Luke Moore and I'm joined by Pete Donaldson. I'm the Pete. I'm the Pete. I've hurt my shoulder. I don't know, I'm waiting for it to click into place but it's just not doing it. I hate that. It's really frustrating. There's just a little, it's just out of register, and I just need to get it back in register. Coming up on the Luke and Pete show, who the fuck knows? Not us.

Not us. Because other broadcasters plan shit we don't, because that means we're more versatile. I spent a good 20 minutes trying to get the printer working. Yeah. If you want prep, that's prep. That's prep. Trying to get our printer working. Has there ever been you know, you guys out there, you use printers

every now and again for, you know, hard copies of things, contracts. Do young people still use printers? I think so. Okay. And has there ever been an air, wifi kind of combo printer that's ever worked? No, probably not.

Has anyone ever printed a page of a Wi-Fi? Printers are very capricious generally, though. They don't need to be. I want to give people an insight because, you know, they probably listen to a Gimlet podcast here and there or an NPR podcast. Gimlet, NPR? And those people are not getting down in the trenches,

rolling their sleeves up and messing about with printers like we are. Our prep is practical. I miss parallel ports. Do you? I miss parallel ports in the back of PCs and laptops, and they're about that big. They're like a big SCART cable. Yeah.

That big. Pete, there's a lot of bonding that can go on when two men like you and I can run a cable together. Yeah. We did it the other day, didn't we? We ran an Ethernet cable the other day. We did. I had a great time't we? We ran an Ethernet cable the other day. We did. I had a great time.

I think I enjoy working for BT because there's two kinds of BT engineer I am finding because I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money for broadband

in my house, 250 quid a month for a 15 megabit per second line. Yeah. Incredible. The sort of thing that's about $5 a month.

How much a month are you paying? 250. Yeah, you're out of touch with the common man paying £250 for anything other than rent. No. £250 in London?

Are you having a giggle? Most people outside London will not be able to really relate to the idea of paying £250 a month for broadband. No, it's ridiculous. Yeah, it is crazy. We've discussed it before, I just live in a weird section of town. But I think you would be a,

so to me, you would be, if you were a BT or Virgin Media, don't get me started on Virgin Media, but if you were a BT, for example, an engineer, I think you'd be simultaneously brilliant and terrible. And I'll tell you why.

Why? Because you are very good with practical stuff like cables and that kind of stuff, and you would really relish the work. And also, you're a very thoughtful and grateful and personable house guest. So if you came to my house, I'd be like, oh, this guy's nice.

But, I do mean but, one, you can't drive. True. Two, you are dreadful at organisation. So I don't know how you would stack your appointments No What are you thinking? How would you do that? I imagine something else Someone would do that for me

The problem is Most of my appointments that kind of crop up Are things that other people have moved Or that I've just forgotten about Yeah I'm getting better at not forgetting about things But the problem is Disagree

People just move People just move stuff all the time. You moved this today. I did have to move this today because of another recording of another podcast. I did another three WrestleMes last night, WrestleMania 9. Very good.

You should listen. If anyone wants to know, because I think you are probably the most popular of all the... So our bigger show is obviously the Football Ramble, and you are the most popular person on it. You reckon? I think so, yeah. And I think to the point where lots of people want to...

I mean, for example, we got an email the other day, a genuine email, inviting you to a stag weekend. I've had two. Right, so that doesn't happen to me. So I would say you are. But I think part of the reason is because people find you a fascinating character. And if people want to know what it's like to be friends with you,

just imagine waiting by your phone uh all day every day for pete to change an appointment or an engagement and that is what it's like yeah that's that's how i've made my peace with that it's not a complaint well it's just my i have several different jobs i stopped doing voiceovers so i can concentrate on the podcast so So there's that. So I would have more strange things going on, but I've just stopped doing voiceovers. Are we watching the second series of Strange Things at the moment? Was the voiceover community rocked to its very core?

You were no longer available for bookings. I told them during the day I'm very unavailable for bookings and that my plan was to possibly get some more voiceover work, but I never bothered because I was too busy with other things, ergo the podcasts. Have you got any insight particularly to deliver to people about the world of voiceover work? I didn't realise that you could get better at it. I thought, it's your voice isn't it but i

think delivery is uh important is important and confidence and delivery and um yeah and don't get precious when people say that's not right you go it sounded all right to me well at the end of the day you're just a voice on a stick and like if they want it done a different way they're paying the money aren't they a voice on a stick voice on a stick want it done a different way they're paying the money aren't they a voice on a stick voice on a stick I quite two things I've got to contribute about voiceovers

one is that when I hear you do a voiceover in here for like an ad or something right I occasionally sit there thinking this sounds mental

no one talks like this but when I hear it back it sounds really good and two I once sat in on a voiceover session with the great and I do mean great,

Brian Blessett. Obviously actor from Flash Gordon, Explorer, all the rest of it. It was a pretty good story recently. Was he at a farmer's? He was at a farmer's talk, wasn't he? About badgers and TB and he called everyone a cunt. He was presenting an award to a load of farmers

and he started saying, talking about they shouldn't call bad farmers and he started saying, oh, you know, talking about they shouldn't call badgers and everyone started booing. So he just took the fuck off and then went home. What Brian did is he misjudged the room there. In any room where you think that people would want badgers to be killed, it's probably that one.

But yeah, apparently he called everyone a C word. I've only just said C word because I said the word earlier. This is the cup and the coffee. The coffee. I've told you this before I don't think I've told the listeners was I not there

no you weren't there are you sure we work at the same company but you weren't there I'll tell you who was there why did I think I was there Phil and Mike from the voiceover bit

oh I miss those guys yeah they're great so I didn't like working at this place that much so I used to duck away and hide myself in the voiceover studio on the sofa

and just muck around in there and Brian Blessed was in there doing a session and they were trying to get Brian Blessed to go to the pub. Did you ever make bonus? I can't remember. I didn't get paid very much anyway. But Brian, they were trying, the two guys working,

they were trying to get Brian Blessed to go to the pub after this voiceover. Yeah. And he's like a ball of energy, Blessed. He's exactly as you'd imagine him from my experience. Anyway, and they said right that was good Brian come in now

we'll get our jackets and we'll go to the pub and Brian was like yeah yeah yeah I'll be there in a minute comes through he's right where are we going

what pub are we going to rah rah rah grabs like a cup of coffee completely downs it I've never seen someone down a cup of coffee before he downed it and then slammed it

around the table and went that wasn't my coffee was it and one of the guys went no and it had that wasn't my coffee, was it? And one of the guys went, no. And it had been sat there for like three days. It was stone cold. Probably had mold in it and he just downed it.

The man cannot be killed by conventional means. And if he passes during the process of us recording this show, I apologize in advance, but Brian Blessed is as close to immortal as probably someone like Keith Richards or you, Pete. National treasure. Yeah, 100%. How do I become a national treasure? I'm also immortal.

Yeah. Like the Highlander. You've got something of the night about you, though, so you can't. The moment you stop wandering around Soho in the dead of night with dirty fingernails gives you a better chance. But anyway, recently on the Luke and Pete show, we talked about speed running of video games, embarrassing farts including a

the pete related admission um the pete also reminisced about spending lots of time in a horse's field oh yeah um grillers not the band uh a family getting out of their car at a safari park and almost being mauled by cheaters oh and a dog growing into a bear oh yes they um that woman in china had a bear. So if you're new to this show, that's the sort of thing you can expect to hear. When I was about to talk about becoming a national treasure, I really wanted to bring up who I think is a national treasure,

Mark Almond. And I was reminded about the best tweet ever, what he did when someone accused him. So basically he was talking about like a young good looking chap or something on Twitter. He was basically saying oh I'd like to see more of him and some random bloke

just tweeted him in reply I bet you would you dirty old bollocks. Dirty old bollocks is a brilliant insult. And he replied in the most kind of shocked manner. He could not believe this man was so gauche. He went, how dare you speak to me like that? Not even my closest friends and family talk to me like that.

You are blocked. You are blocked. You're blocked, spelling your incorrectly. It makes me laugh all the time. It was a great diva strop. And the thing is, Pete, you talk about Mark Holman being a national treasure. He is by far the most well-known of Mark-related nuts. I mean, you never hear about Mark Hazelnut.

No, that's true, yeah. Or Mark Brazil. And Mark Macadamia can't get anywhere. I'm trying to think of other nuts. I'm completely drawing a blank on nuts now. All right, peanut. Mark Monkey. Mark Cashew. Mark'm trying to think of other nuts. I'm completely drawing a blank on nuts now. Alright, peanut. Mark monkey. Mark cashew.

Mark monkey nut. Yeah, mark monkey. Mark how? For me, national treasure has to be, I'll give you a quick list of maybe two or three that I consider to be a national treasure. Obviously, David Attenborough. I've got to still be alive. David Attenborough. I would probably go Mary Berry. Ah, she's very recent. I'm not having that that I think you'd be looking

at someone like they've got to be pleasant haven't they they've got to be pleasant so you couldn't consider someone like Sir Ian Botham no exactly he's not a national treasure

David Atterbury you're having that Bill Beaumont is he a national treasure Bill Beaumont is he who's the bloke who used to do

no who's the bloke who used to do all that that in the cricket? Oh, that's Geoffrey Boycott. Geoffrey Boycott. Is he one?

Yeah, but he's also had his fair share of domestic violence related charges. Well, no, then. Bill Beaumont. Who's Bill Beaumont

then? He's an ex-England rugby captain of the question of sport. He's done nothing for like 20 years.

Sue Ryder. Yeah, well, yeah, I can see what you mean. I can see what you mean I can see what you mean yeah yeah I'm having Barry over Ryder Ian Wright

yes Ian Wright's getting there soon to be Sir Ian Wright if I had my way yeah definitely top man absolutely top man so yeah that's

the example of the sort of things we will be talking about recently National Treasures email us in if you want to be a part of this show

and you are very welcome of course hello at lukeandpete for anything you want to email us about I've got to take a sip of water you've recently lost your nalgene water bottle nalgene uh always sounds a little bit like um gangrene or something some kind of moss that would grow on water well if you're an outdoorsman in the u.s nalgene is your go-to water bottle manufacturer i I've had my man and boy and I've lost it. There's an outside chance it might still be

in my car. You've had that for about five years, if not longer? No, my wife bought it for me not long after we got together, so three and a half might. Crazy, crazy stuff. Can you not imagine keeping something like that for that long? You'd just lose it, would you? No, I'd smash it. Like a pair of sunglasses. That's the thing,

mate, they're unsmashable. Well, we got a ramble, God, what was it now? It was some kind of online docusign, got there in the end.

DocuSign sent the ramble some tat, basically saying, let's kick fax machines out of football, because obviously fax machines are very connected to football.

So they sent a load of tat to the ramble or care of me tat and it was such tat that I didn't bother handing it over but there was a metal

kind of water bottle that I occasionally use when I'm particularly hungover to replenish my reserves well Nalgene's are very very durable Nalgene

they're made of adamantium it's impossible to break them they're one of the most unbreakable materials known to man anyway if you do see

a Nalgene bottle knocking about it's Luke's blue top on it let me know but anyway for that reason and for other reasons

do get in touch hello at lukeandpetecher.com this show is nothing without you the listener you are very very welcome here and the reason I say that a lot is because

it's true yes Pete would you like what should be our next port of call have you got lot is because it's true yes Pete would you like should we what should be our next port of call have you got anything else to get off your chest

or would you like to go to the emails nah I'll do my week round up in the next show your week round up okay my week's week

yeah have you done anything particularly sort of noteworthy or yeah a little bit okay well tell us about it on Thursday it's usually a film review

isn't it really oh it is well you've met some actor that was intimidated by your ways. Let's go to a break, and we're back with some of your emails. Okay, Luke, don't conge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Yes, yes, we're back.

That is a legendary jingle. Legendary jingle. I did promise some new production, and it is coming, but, oh, God, I just got distracted there. Oh, I got distracted there. 25 years since Zack Morris and the rest of the Save by the Bell graduated. 25 years? Save by, from, where did they go to?

Something high. Bayside High. We talked a lot about. That's depressing. um fair side high we talked a lot about um it's depressing

we talked a lot about um theme tunes for um for sort of TV shows when we were kids didn't we

and um a lot of people got in touch being very passionate about them for the last dinosaur which is absolutely understandable that's a pretty good one

yeah Sleigh by the Bell is pretty iconic it's alright when the teacher pops test and oh I'm in the maze in the dark

get on my home glass bang and then right along my chair she won't know that I'm there. Oh, my God, I never remember the lyrics. I never knew... I see the bus fly by. It's all right, cos I'll say bye the bell.

Oh, my God, I remember some lyrics. They were pulling them out of my behind there. Oi, Pete, Mr Belding. Mr Belding. Yeah. Screech, did you go to prison in the end for killing someone? Oh, you can't say it, can you? You just can't say it

what do you mean you cannot say that what do you mean you can't ask that question you need to know I think he went to prison for killing someone ok that's not any better

or certainly attempted manslaughter Dustin Diamond Dustin Diamond yeah he made a porn video for some god awful reason and then then I believe he was

was arrested for murder do you want to hear what actually happened? Okay. Yeah, because you're going to be doing some editing later. Okay. December 26, 2014, Dustin Diamond, who played Screech in Saved by the Bell, was arrested in Wisconsin for possession of a switchblade knife,

which he was alleged to have pulled in a bar altercation in which a man was stabbed. Right. Serious. In May of the following year, he was convicted of two misdemeanors and cleared of the most serious charge, which was recklessly endangering public safety.

He was sent to four months in prison. He served three months of that and was released on probation. He was arrested again in May 2016 for violating that probation. I think the porn film was a separate issue. Is that an issue? You're out of a film, a porn film, aren't you? But he

sold it for money. I've not seen it. I don't know the content. If I were a man who would partake in that type of stuff, I'm not sure Dustin Diamond, a screech from Sable the Bell, would be top of my list of performers. Yeah, if I was going to cast a load of porn stars in a porn film,

yeah, it wouldn't be one of my first, to be honest. Out of the whole of Hollywood, let's not point at me and ask me what my favourite... Well, I was just going to say Bill Beaumont. Bill Beaumont? He's got nothing on. Bill Beaumont. Literally got nothing on. Occasionally when I'm chatting to a mate, I'm going to name little Al.

Are you always talking about Al? He will try and think of an actor's name, and he will invariably, inadvertently and think of an actor's name and he will invariably inadvertently name a porn star's name and I look at him and go yeah you like porn more than I think you know

and I know who that name is but I mean so I'm half the problem too but yeah yeah imagine if you go oh that name sort of rings a bell

just Wikipedia it anal supermarket 3 there are no Giannas in Hollywood that's all I'm saying the only Giannas Imagine if you go, oh, that name sort of rings a bell. Just Wikipedia it. Anal Supermarket 3. There are no Giannas in Hollywood. That's all I'm saying. The only Giannas are in The Great Gianna Sisters on the PC.

Oh, that rip-off Mario Brothers game. Yeah, and in pornography. That's the only place you find Giannas. Was it not the Gianni Sisters? No, Gianna. And was that like a blatant attempt to completely cash on the Mario Brothers popularity

by doing like a sisters version of the game that was unlicensed? Yeah, completely unlicensed. But it was a decent fist at a scrolling platformer, which is, yeah, they got away with it. It was a Wild West back then, wasn't it? You can't copyright an idea, can you? You can't do that. No, we would have done one now.

Emails, we did promise emails in the deep, distant past. I'm going to start us off with an email from an appalling child about farting although he isn't a child because he's now 18 and it's Caleb from Bromley

hello Caleb excuse me I'm still struggling with this throat it's hanging around he says dear Luke and Pete as one of your more

juvenile listeners at the tender age of 18 perhaps I can shed some light on Pete's ability to fart at will referencing episode 62 would you for those who don't

want to go back to episode 62 and just to hear a story about you farting would you like to go forward to 69 that's unacceptable

nice that's unacceptable nice would you like to just quickly very quickly remind the listeners about your skill

as a child I didn't do it a lot but and other people in my class were better than me but at one point I took air into my inos and do a little chomp chomp? I didn't do it a lot, but other people in my class were better than me. But at one point I could suck air into my inos and do a little trump trump. But how would you do it?

On your hands and knees? Oh, you'd have to go on your hands and knees in doggy style to get the trumps in. Well, get the air in. Yeah. And then blow it out. Yeah. Yes.

Blow it out, JS. That's the sort of level we're talking about. And Caleb goes on to say, at our school we call this airing. Oh, lovely. And it is a particular speciality of a couple of my friends who, as soon as our teacher leaves the classroom, hurriedly get down, suck in air,

and then proceed to release this on our teacher's chair. You disgusting young men. If the teacher is still in the room, they often pretend to have dropped their pen in order to let their gas diffuse through the room, which, of course, eases the tedium of lessons. At lunchtime, however, this ability becomes more serious to the rest of the class, who risk being seized

and having their face farted on. Just wanted Pete to know that he is not alone in this. Thanks for all the distraction you've given me while I've been revising for my A-levels. This is the kind of influence, Peter, you're having on the kind of people, and the kind of people that are flocking to this show in their droves because of you.

I'm real. How do you feel about that? I think that... You validated that behaviour from that young man. Doing trompy-tomps on the teacher's chair. It's air that was in the air anyway. It's not like it's decomposing food. So, I mean, I don't think it's that bad, to be honest.

So, are you suggesting that... It's not a detention matter. Are you suggesting that that particular type of air biscuit wouldn't have a smell or a fragrance at all? It wouldn't have as much, I don't think, no. Well, can we do a test? Can we do a smell test? Get down there now.

If you're willing to take one for the team, fill this room with guffs. I am not. Guffs and guffaws, the Lucan Peach Show. We've got no, essentially, we've got no new air in this room as it is. No new air. I got an email from Jack,

and it's a horror show, and this one will be particularly upsetting to you, Luke. I've as it is. On you, I got an email from Jack and it's a horror show and this one will be particularly upsetting to you, Luke. I've read it already. Afternoon, gents. Nothing exciting with my batteries. Standard Panasonics.

Very, not a great start. Inauspicious start. Yeah. After listening to episode number 64 and hearing the story of youngsters

finding a dead rabbit and proceeding to make Easter themed toys from it, it led me to have a World War-like flashback of a time when I was younger and had the situation where I accidentally killed a neighbour's cat and then had to cover it up, basically. Hoping that this cat is on as a feature.

It won't. Trust me, I'm not reading out any more of these. I would like to tell you the story of the time I squished a cat completely by accident. I mean, one thing I would say from Jack's point of view is, this is hashtag real talk. So people who want to get in touch, complain. This is a real email.

It's real talk. These things happen. Secondly, it was an accident as you're here. So don't blame us for this. It's fine. Well, we're going to read out the email. Rewind 10 years ago to the ripe age of 13. I was around my cousin's house having the time of my life

on their brand new trampoline. Not a full-sized one. All right, don't have a go. It was the 90s. I was bouncing along without a care in the world and did the classic trampoline move of jumping as high as I could and landing bum first. Textbook.

First. To my horror, the following noise had stuck with me for a lifetime, which is a squeal very similar to that of a pig getting sent to the slaughter. I crawled to the edge of the trampoline, peered under. I saw my cousin's next door neighbor's cat laying still and slightly squashed under the deadly weapon of the trampoline. Oh, no. The sheer panic that followed is the sort of story you see in a comedy sketch.

Channeling my inner genius, I grabbed the said cat, put it under my shirt and ran to the neighbor's garden and began to look for anything that would cover up this crime and stop me from getting arrested and facing life in prison. So it's a 12-year-old. On that, I can understand that I think if I was that age, I would probably try and cover it up as well. Yeah.

But there's no way I'm stuffing a dead cat up my shirt. No. I'm probably going in and saying, oh, I didn't fancy the trampoline in the end. I've not got anywhere near it. It wouldn't even be fully dead, wouldn't it? I mean, at best, you've crushed its windpipe. Yeah.

At best, you've crushed a few ribs. It is sickening. Oh, dear Lord. Yeah, they were very wealthy, the neighbors of the cousin, and they had a rather large slide and swing set, which I envied, and the cogs in my head turned, and the stars aligned. As I knew they were out, I pushed over the slide

and swing set and placed the head turned, and the stars aligned. As I knew they were out, I pushed over the slide and swing set and placed the cat under one of the swings. And the obvious scene would clear me of all potential accusations. Safe to say it worked, and they later that day held a funeral for the cat, which I awkwardly had to attend due to the fact my parents were very friendly with them. I had to stand there holding hands with my mum whilst Elvis Catsley, the cat, great name, was placed in a shoebox and was put in a hole in the ground with the owner's young daughter sobbing directly in front of

me. Safe to say, I never told my parents this story and the guilt has been a part of me to this very day. And whenever I see a cat, I flash back to poor old Elvis Catsley and its blood-curdling squeal. I will 100% leave my last name off this email just in case I get discovered and locked away from my actions as a youngster, hoping sharing this story will remove my guilt

and take my criminal past away from me. Take care. Enjoy the show. Jack, the criminal genius. He's half proud of this. Yeah, he is. It's not a bad ruse. Yeah. He's done well there, and it was a complete accident, so what can you do? I just hope that it was a quick death for the cat. That's all I'm asking. And that's Jack from the

tiny village. I mean, nowadays, wealthy neighbours would have cameras. They would. The reason I thought it's fair for us to include this is because we don't want to be brazenly cruel to animals. That's disgusting. I'm a proud father for two cats myself, and it's a sickening story, but it was an accident.

They've got blood in their paws. They're always bringing in shit. Yeah, they have, big big time no one's coming out of this with any credit but jack i really appreciate you sharing the story i'm surprised that eyebrows weren't raised when you delicately place a dead cat under a swing and everyone went oh that's obviously just something that's happened on a non-windy day yeah yeah the whole swing set and thing coming over. Oh, we didn't hear that topple over. I suppose they were out, but even so. What a grisly affair. Also, Elvis Catsley.

I'm not having that. That's a great name. What are you talking about? Elvis Catsley? Elvis Pursley might be any better. I was about to say Elvis Pursley. Pursley, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll get there. Right. Thanks for that. Is that Jack? His name was Jack? Yeah. Right. What about this from Pete in Hatfield, which I think is in the beautiful county of Hertfordshire.

Pete says, Hi chaps, while not really on topic, Luke's story from episode 64 about him and his pals plagiarising Sweet Child of Mine on a music lesson reminded me of a time my mate Ross did something similar with his English homework. This is good, I like this. The task was to write a poem about a dream

but clearly not being asked to do this on the morning it was due Ross just wrote out the lyrics word for word from the little known song on Silverchair's debut album

Suicidal Dream the album itself is called Frogstomp and that was a massive album when I was a kid everyone had that album everyone had Frogstomp oh delicious angst

it was like the album for people who just couldn't get any more Nirvana because Kurt Cobain was dead. The guy even looked like Nirvana. What's his name?

I forget his name now. Daniel Johns, I think his name was. Anyway, so Ross's friend, or sorry, no, sorry, apologies, Pete's friend Ross wrote out the lyrics word for word

from Silverchair's song Suicidal Dream, which is not the one you'd listen to much on the album Frogstop and Winterthought. It's certainly no Israel's Son. It's certainly no Israel's Son.

It's certainly no Tomorrow. They're the two big ones. Anyway, one understandably concerned teacher took him aside in the lesson for a chat and referred him to a counsellor. Now, Pete, I am just going to look up the lyrics to Suicidal Dream by Silverchair and read it so people who aren't familiar with this are going to know the context. So it goes like this. I dream about how it's going to end, approaching me leaving a life of fear i only want my mind to be clear

people making fun of me for no reason but jealousy i fantasize about my death i'll kill myself from holding my breath my suicidal dream voice is telling me what to do my suicidal dream i'm sure you will get yours too etc ad infinitumitum. I mean, I think I've spoken on this podcast before, Mrs. Peverley, the teacher, take me beside Oh, because of the pictures you were drawing. The drawing of Muslim men getting their arms cleaved off by

big old chainsaws and stuff. She took me aside and said, is everything alright at home? But that is a big old... And you said, no, my dad won't stop watching boxers. But that is a big old... And you said, no, my dad won't stop watching boxers. But that is a big old red flag for me. Yeah, so you said Ross's teacher took him aside in the lesson for a chat, referred him to a counsellor.

He played along with all this and came away from it with an A, while the rest of us scratched around the usual lever of mediocrity, so no morality lessons to be had there. Obviously, this was thoroughly deplorable behaviour and not something he looks back on favourably, but it does go to reinforce the undeniable truth that teenagers are twats. Twats and weirdos.

Do you know what? I mean, the lyrics for that song, and I liked Silverchair as a kid, so I'm not having to pop. The lyrics for that song are quite poor, but they're probably good enough for someone to be thinking, that's quite good. Are you sure he's definitely come up with that? Yeah, or

at the grander scale, if you're a teacher and you've got a 14 year old kid and you say your homework is to do a poem and he comes back with the whole of Tangled Up in Blue by Bob Dylan, you're probably thinking, nah, he's not done that Yeah, but look at that, I mean, look at that

that's not that good So what Ross has done is picked a suitably shit enough song that's good enough to get him a good mark, but not good enough to raise suspicion. It's exactly like on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire when that general or that major or whatever got the million and got busted. If he had just gone for half a million,

no one would have said anything. Shoot for the moon. That's what I say. Always go bang or bust. But if you and I were hatching a scheme to game a game show, which the top prize was a million, the first thing I'm saying to you, Donny, is we're going for half a million because no one's going to say anything.

No. Half a million we get to keep is better than the million pound we don't. Yeah. That's what he's done there. So, yeah, we're not going to do that if anyone's listening. No. From who wants to be millionaire. It's back, isn't it?

Clarkson. Your favourite guy. Oh, Clarkson. Yeah. With Clarkson, I don't know the answer to this. I'm not trying to lead you on in any way. You know he's obviously a dickhead. Yeah, he is.

Do you think, so there's an element with me where I know that certain presenters are dickheads, but I also think you're a really good presenter. Do you think Clarkson's a good presenter? Well, he's clearly got something. He's clearly created a biome where everyone kind of is vested in him. So yeah,

I reckon he I don't think he's a great presenter. I mean, presenters, it's basically just linking shit together. But with a personality and a style. Well, that's what I mean. I think there's a difference between personality and being a good presenter. Being a good presenter is just linking something together and just keeping talking personality and a style. Well, that's for me. I think there's a difference between personality and being a good presenter. Being a good presenter is just linking something together

and just keeping talking forever and ever and ever and never stopping, really. Because the best example of this is if you speak to people in the area and say, what do you think about Richard Keyes? They'll say,

he's a complete dickhead, but he's a brilliant presenter. Yeah. And most people... I know a lot of massive Brexit maniac old men who smell of cigarettes

and coffee who are dreadful human beings. You never want to talk to them. You never want to hang out with them. And I could name about five off the top of my head

right now. I'm not going to, but they... Yeah, they're excellent presenters, but they are dreadful human beings. Yeah, because apparently Richard Key... And they're not funny. They're never funny. They're never sort of... But it dreadful human beings. Yeah, because apparently Richard Key...

And they're not funny. They're never funny. They're never sort of... But it's like Noel Edmonds, right? We've spoken about Noel Edmonds too much on this podcast, but he's not funny. He's not good looking.

He's not charismatic. Good clothes, though. But he's a good presenter. Good clothes as well. Presenters just aren't... There's a reason why they've died out, because they've got nothing to say, and they just link shit together.

Just get the reality TV stars to do it. What about Ant and Dec? Ant and Dec. Well, they're just... I mean, they've got a bit of charisma around them. They've got charisma. Apparently Richard Keyes used to do all the live football games without an autocue,

which is incredible. I mean, that's just silly, really. I mean, why would you do that? That's just foolish. Yeah, but apparently he used to. Ant and Dec are good, though though you've got to say that we were talking about Clarkson why were we talking about Clarkson

I don't know Clarkson talks in this weird way you know what earlier I was saying to you about when I listen to you do voiceovers in the studio it sounds mad but it sounds good

when I hear it back Clarkson talks in a really odd way but he sort of goes and they do this and then this and no one really talks like that and it's similar to

what you were talking about the guy who used to do voiceover for Big Brother with that really exaggerated Geordie accent no one really talks like that do they?

No no one really talks like that but also you're either voiceovers who just don't sell shit like if you're doing an advert for something

do an advert for something don't sort of be bashful about it and try and do it in your own voice because at the end of the day it Don't sort of be bashful about it and try and do it in your own voice because at the end of the day, it ain't going to sound like you. Unless it's an organic conversation about it.

Unless you're just going off the top of your head and just having a fiddle about with it. Then you can talk normally. But if you've just got something to sell, get it out. Get out as quick as possible. You've done your station read. You've done your sponsor.

Get in, get out. Sponsors are happy. You're happy. The listeners are happy've done your sponsor. Get in. Get out. Sponsors are happy. You're happy. The listeners are happy. Lovely old job. So the lesson here for people who haven't got a

ridiculous job like this is We're all selling shit. Own it. Own it. And then buy it when we sell it.

Yep. Just unlocking my phone to read this email because our printer wasn't working. Anamitra Roy. Oh no. Hang on. Anamit working. Anamitra Roy. Oh, no, hang on.

Anamitra. Anamitra Roy. Hello, Look at Beats. It's a long time listening to many of our podcasts and being from Kolkata myself. I just want to clarify one thing you recently said

about Calcutta rebranding to Kolkata. I don't think I did. I just sort of said that's the actual name of it or the actual, the new name, effectively. Kolkata is actually the...

I think you called it a rebrand, didn't you? No, no. I called the rebrand to Chechia. Oh, that's the actual name of it or the actual the new name effectively Kolkata is actually I think you called it a rebrand didn't you no no I called the rebrand to Chechia oh that's right but apparently that's pronounced Chechia

Chechia is it oh is it Chechia yeah so I got in touch about that fair do's yeah Kolkata is actually the Bangla name for the place

it was only called Kolkata because you lot i.e. the British well Pete's from Hartlepool couldn't pronounce it properly we can't pronounce anything properly the actual pronunciation in Bangla is Kolkata with soft K's you lot, i.e. the British, couldn't pronounce it properly. We can't pronounce anything properly.

The actual pronunciation in Bangla is Kolkata with soft Ks and a soft T. I'm not really sure what that means. Wolkata. Holkata. Yeah. Holkata. Yeah, who knows? I know how to do a soft L, but I can't.

Holkata. The name was changed to what the local people actually called the city, and it was not rebranded as such. I'm cheating a little bit. I don't have any devices at hand, but I will point you towards the Envy batteries that I recently found in an old camera. So batteries branded. On a Metro. Yeah, thanks for that.

Batteries branded E-N-V-I-E, Envy. I don't know if we've seen those before. No, I don't think I've, I would have remembered Envy. When people tweet us at Luke and Pete show with batteries, and I've not seen them before, I always quote it and share it with a new player has entered the game. If Onimitro was emailing in or tweeting in with that battery. Onimitro, Lord have mercy.

I would be saying a new player has entered the game. Yeah. Well, turns the picture for crying out loud. Do you want to do one more email? One more email. Squeeze one in. Yeah. I have got one.

What do you want? I've got them named here. We can do the worst driver in history. We can do an embarrassing school tale. It's quite good, that one. We can do an update from Columbia, something that is always welcomed. Or we can do...

Let's have the embarrassing school story, because... Okay. Let's end on a high. Do you want an embarrassing school story about a man with an erection? Yes. Yeah, okay, I thought you would.

Jesus, why do you even bother asking? This is from Joe. He says, hi guys, love the show. I've been enjoying all the emails about embarrassing school stories and I wasn't sure if I was going to share mine, but here goes. And that is the spirit, Joe. That's the spirit. Hello at LukeandPete.com.

Just remember, no one, no matter what they email in with, is going to be more embarrassed than the stuff pete comes out with and that's and that's the comfort blanket we can all hold very close um joe says my embarrassing story took place when i was in year nine as many men will know at this age your body is going through a lot of changes and one side effect of that is random and unexplained directions known to many as a tim henman i i.e. an unexpected semi. Nice. During a chemistry lesson where we were recapping what we'd learnt that term, I realised that I was indeed suffering from a Henman,

and as a result, my concentration on the lesson was compromised. My teacher, thinking that I wasn't listening, pulled the classic dick move by picking me out to come up to the board and draw the blast furnace diagram. Luckily, I knew the diagram and would easily be able to complete the task, but my concern was people seeing the quite obvious erection through my trousers. I decided upon the tried and tested concealment method of... Pete, do you want to have a guess?

Yeah, it's the belt, isn't it? Yeah, tuck it in the waistband. Tuck it in the waistband. Tuck it in the waistband. Yeah. So that it would not be obviously visible to the class while I wrote on the board. Unfortunately,

it appeared my school shirt was partially tucked into my underwear and not my trousers, I thought, and I completed the diagram in front of the full class with my bellend poking

out the top of my trousers. Oh, I could hear giggling and laughs growing as more people in the class realised, but I had not yet realised my error myself. When I finished the diagram,

explaining that the waste product to the blast furnace was better known as slag, the entire class erupted with laughter, and I realised to my horror what had happened. Very embarrassing in itself, but also ongoing abuse was suffered that I was sexually aroused by blast furnaces. Keep up the good work, Joe. They're quite powerful machines. They're quite powerful.

There's a lot going on in there. Tap into the core of what it is to be powerful. I'm positively tumescent now. Is it too ambitious to say Joe could have styled that out as a joke? At that age, it's too awkward, isn't it? No. I mean, yeah, there's never...

I mean, you could just kind of just jam it. There's different solutions. I mean, just really grab it and push it down your trouser leg. Then at best, you've got a painful situation where you can't bend over. But he's done that now. So what I'm saying is when the people have noticed, could he not do what, say, you would do? And you would do that anyway.

Start ejaculating. No, come on. You know what I mean. What do you mean? Well, just say, oh, I meant to do it as a joke. Wasn't it funny? Look at my penis, type thing. Sort of thing you would do in the day-to-day life.

No, you can't get an erect penis out. That's a sex crime. It's true, actually, yeah. That's beyond the pale. No, that's beyond the pale. Yeah. But unwanted erections are so unhelpful at any time. You know, on a plane.

Planes are quite sexy places. What? Because you're on a plane, and quite sexy places what because you're on a plane and I guess the vibration from the engine I always get a little one little one when I'm hungover

or when I'm on a plane mile high sex terrorist Pete Donaldson here hello is it because you're sat on the side of a giant penis yeah exactly

a giant metal penis fucking clouds just fucking clouds sexy innit what you been doing fucking clouds for the last 12 hours fucking the sky mate all the way back a giant metal penis. Fucking clouds. Fucking clouds. Sexy, isn't it? What have you been doing? Fucking clouds for the last 12 hours. Fucking the sky, mate.

All the way back from America. Peter, come on. Penetrating the sky. We want to encourage people to email in with this type of stuff because it is part of

what makes the world go round. So thank you very much to Joe. If you want to join Joe in sharing an embarrassing story like that or any other type of story, you're very welcome to do so. Hello at Luke and Pete show dot com. I think that's

probably all we've got time for this time around isn't it Pete? Let's get out of here. Oh and big news as well. Something we may be going to in further detail on Thursday's show is Bobby Davro isn't dead. And on that bombshell let's get out of here. Have we not even sort of dealt with that? I thought we dealt with that.

I thought I grabbed the ball by the horns Keith Chegwin dead Bobby Davro not dead Cheglin had like a bad stomach thing didn't he

more on Thursday