The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 69: Straight-laced parents

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Greetings to you, beloved Luke and Pete Show community! We’re back for our 69th edition of this nonsense, and this time around The Luke and The Pete discuss Freddie Mercury again, what The Pete got up to at the British wrestling earlier in the week (spoiler: being overdressed and drinking wine, mainly), there’s an elongated chat about National Treasures, and we learn more about Pete’s teenage punk band, One Eyed Willy. In addition to this, we uncover a truly disturbing story about a previously hidden VHS porn tape. You have been warned… To send us, but particularly Pete, VHS video tapes, it’s: [e-mail] ***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's the Luke and Pete show episode what's Luke Miller 69 in the naughty north in the sexy south where the what is it with the naughty north when the girls look, in the sexy south. What is it? With the naughty north, when the girls look nice, in the sexy south, where the boys look twice. Oh, right. So the London boys are thirsty chaps, and the northern girls are lovely looking. Apparently so. I'll take that.

You're from the naughty north. That's about what I reckon, to be honest. How are you doing, The Pete? I'm all right. We're doing this a bit earlier than usual, so I've only had a few hours sleep, so I'll be more aloof than ever, I think. Yeah, I think you might be.

On episode 69, baby. Was drink taken last night? No, drink was not taken last night, thank you very much. I'd sleep more, if anything. Just wanted to leave you a bit under the surface. No, no. I'm all surface, not feeling, mate. To use a P.G. Woodhouse quote.

Under the surface. It's the Luke and Pete show where we talk about the things that are important to you, the listener. And by important, we generally mean things like, can Pete fart on demand still? Why is he still eating fish fingers that are frozen? These are all things that you've brought to the table. And things like, last week we were talking about badly timed erections. Yes. So it really is the full gamut of the human condition.

A smorgasbord of emotions and things. Exactly. That humans can enjoy. Indeed. Recently on the show, we have talked about national treasures and candidates for that status. We'll talk a bit more about that later. Terrible drivers, including a man who put a baby on a dashboard. Brian Blessed,

badly timed directions, as I've said. We got a missive from Medellin, Colombia. And a bit of Freddie Mercury as well, wasn't there, Pete? Was it a bit of Freddie Mercury? Yeah, because he's got a biopic coming out. Oh, yeah. And I saw the trailer for the first time last night. I'll let you into a little secret, Donny, aka PD,

aka the Pete. I was let you into a little secret, Donny, aka PD, aka The Pete. I was watching, so I've got into this habit now, and I'm really enjoying it. Do you remember a football documentary called Big Ron Manager? Yes. And is it because I've told you about it before?

No, it was, what do you call it, Ron Atkinson. Ron Atkinson, just being Ron Atkinson, wasn't it? Yeah, but what happened was, it was narrated by Jeff Stelling it was on Sky 1 back in 2005

something like that maybe a bit later and Big Ron goes into Peterborough because he's friends with Barry Fry who owned the club at the time

oh that's right yeah and he was massively didn't he like massively undermine some of the staff by getting sticking his R in

apparently he's supposed to be there as like a football troubleshooter right but he ends up, I mean, they've got a

rookie manager who is, I mean, you're a fan of saying this, actually I'm not going to say it because it's a bit

out of order, he's not very bright, and it means that Ron just ends up undermining him. Doesn't he quit

halfway through a team talk? Well, this is the thing. And Barry Fry just starts laughing. It's a five or six episode series and I haven't watched it for 10 years

and I'm on episode three now. That hasn't happened yet. I can't remember, but I'll report back. There's a moment where basically the manager goes, all right, I'm out of here.

And like in the middle of a team talk, after like, you know, he's gone through like, after they've talked about, you know, the team needs to get together and stuff.

He just goes, right guys, I'm out of here. And then he leaves. I think he's still working in football, that bloke. I have seen you walk out of meetings in a half before. You've got a temper on you. No, I just care too much. And as try as I might, I can't kick the care.

Can't kick the caring. You're like a grumpy Jurgen Klopp. You're very emotional. No, you start battles and then hide. Yeah. And then just sort of go... Have you read The Art of War by Sun Tzu? Pete, how bad would you say your temper is out of 10? And the 10 would be like the worst ever, like frenzied.

Am I surrounded by five, six idiots? Yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, definitely. A 10. Yeah. A 10, all right. And the reason I started talking about... Listening to, starting hearing A ten. A ten, alright. And the reason I started talking about... Listening to,

starting hearing someone say a bad idea, I can't wait for them to finish their sentence so I can dive in. And that's dreadful, but... A bit rich. Can I just say,

we first started talking about Big Ron Manager because I saw the biopic trailer for this Freddie Mercury film. Right. I can't remember what it's called, though.

I'm very much like the Freddie Mercury of the group the group aren't i yeah passionate yeah a little bit good singing voice aggressively sexual at times regularly sport a mustache always hanging out with princess diana uh why everett and the white trousers and vest i'd love that anyway the trailer looks it makes it look really good which i guess is the role of a trailer and i'm not saying it will be a good film, but it does. Do you know what? Do you know when the next film looks good?

What? You know when you're on, well, not all of them do. When you're on YouTube and you think, right, I want to watch whatever I want to watch and this advert comes up and you get a little thing that says skip ad. Yeah.

And after five seconds, you always press it. Well, this came up and I didn't skip it. Yeah. It must be the first time in years. Like, because there was obviously, it was in development health such a long time. Sacha Baron Cohen basically was obviously originally in the frame

and they basically, Sacha Baron Cohen was under the impression that they were going to do a film about Freddie Mercury's life and his death and everything ending. But no, because it's a Brian May kind of queen joint production, it's all about them continuing after he dies. Oh God. Oh God. No one wants a bit of that action, do they? That's outrageous. it's all about it's a half piece it's all about them continuing after he dies oh god oh god

no one wants a bit of that action today that's outrageous that is outrageous so yeah nobody wants nobody wants to watch that but yeah

apparently that's it seems to seems to be focusing right around them writing Bohemian Rhapsody I think but to Mr. Robot's credit he seems to have got

the voice down pat he looks like him and I would like to know if he actually sings because the voice in the trailer He looks like him. And I would like to know if he actually sings. Because the voice in the trailer sounds amazing. And obviously Freddie Mercury, well known, is having this amazing singing voice. I think nowadays you can mix stuff in, can't you?

That's not good. Take the masters. Well, who cares? Do you want it to sound like Freddie Mercury or do you want it to sound like Mr. Robot singing? I would be more impressed if he... Joaquin Phoenix sang on Walk the Line when he played Johnny Cash.

And that was brilliant so did Reese Witherspoon apparently I would argue that Johnny Cash's performances are not as I'm stuck in

Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on I walk the line there you go you say it's easier yeah it's easier than doing

Freddie Mac maybe I went to the I think I'll probably spot this but I went to the, I think I probably spoke about this, but I went to the Johnny Cash Museum and there was

Roy Orbison's glasses in there. The big O. I think they just ran out of Johnny Cash stuff and went just put Roy Orbison's glasses in there

because I think he was in a band with him for quite a while. Have you got anything else? Have you got anything? I've got a pair of glasses that look like

Roy Orbison might have had them at one point. Put them in there. Get them in there. Anyway, on the show we obviously normally talk about your emails and your subjects, I guess,

the things you want us to talk about. Pete, have you got anything else in your locker for what you've been doing over the last week or so, apart from the fact that you didn't sleep last night? Presumably because it was too hot. Is it too hot for you at the moment? Too sticky, isn't it? Yeah.

And where you live, can you have the windows open, or is that not possible? Not really, no. I can have a fan. I should get a little air conditioning unit, but that's just... I'm where you live, can you have the windows open, or is that not possible? Not really, no. I can have a fan. I should get a little air conditioning unit, but that's just, I'm only going to use, I just want to steal that one. I'm just going to,

so we've got a studio that's completely on air condition, so we've got like a little mobile unit, so that before we start, we have to make it really, really cold, or as cold as we can manage it. And then we go in, and within about 10 minutes, it's so weird how hot it gets.

You know, it's not too bad when there's just two of us, but you know, because my seat faces the sliding doors, the window, and you start to see the condensation on the window,

and you go, yeah, it must be really hot in here. This summer is going to test us, I think. Big time. And test the studio as well. Might lose a bit of weight. Might lose a bit of weight.

But anyway, so you're having trouble sleeping. I mean, that's the problem with London, because when you go over to the US, New England, the climate is roughly similar. I would say, obviously, the winters are a bit colder and the summers are a bit warmer,

but everywhere's got air conditioning. Everywhere. But also, I think the air quality this week has been quite dreadful as well. I really felt it in the back of my throat and I don't usually feel that way. It doesn't even meet EU standards, mate. Does it not?

No. I played football and I was knackered by the end mate. Does it not? No. I played football in there. I was knackered by the end of it. With asthma as well. I played in... I can play football. I played in a place called Arshbush Park.

A park I was not really aware of. Nice little area. But they were having like... They had like zip lines over the top. They had like a... Every summer they set up a zip line.

And rich Tories who live around there get really upset about it. Which makes me like it to be honest but it's rather disconcerting if you're playing football to have people

flying over you at speed going woo and I'm thinking why doesn't somebody hit them with the ball where is this? Archbishop Park

near Lambeth North tube station not too far from me not too far from me I live in the beautiful Royal Borough of Lambeth I'm a fan of Lambeth cool

I went to the wrestling oh you did that's what Royal Borough of Lambeth cool I went to the wrestling oh you did that's what I meant to ask you about that I went to some London based wrestling it's very good Ring of Honor

so a lot of Japanese actors where was it some horror it was in Alexander Palace very it smelled like chlorine

because it was just right next to the swimming pool was it busy in there it was very busy not in the main room it was not in the main room surely yeah

the main room they had the darts and everything yeah in there it was really busy not in the main room it was not in the main room surely yeah the main room they had the darts and everything yeah huge it's a huge production how many people would you say were there

I would say 4,000 no yeah 4,000 and what was your favourite part did you go with Mark Haynes

Mark Haynes the lead in Wrestle Me, the podcast we do, and a couple of friends and stuff. And yeah, it was good. What was your favourite part? My favourite part was the big fat man.

Did you have a beer? Big fat man at the start. I didn't have a... No, I drank loads of wine because it was just easier to carry. You know, when you're in that situation, you're like, I just need to get that back in my seat.

I'll get some red wine. I'll get some red wine. So I was probably the only dandy in a full suit at the wrestling because everyone else had black t-shirts with Bullet Club written on it

or Tap Out or Tap Out you don't see that very often anymore so basically let me just say I just want to picture this and some of the listeners I'm sure

you're going to a British wrestling event with 4,000 baying wrestling fans dressed in a full suit drinking red wine. Yeah. You're a mania. People are going to be

looking at you and I don't agree with them but people are going to be looking at you thinking you're an idiot. I was thinking they might think I'm involved somehow.

They might think I'm like a manager or a father or something like that. Like Mr. Fuji. We saw... Cody Rhodes is quite a big star.

The son of one of the great Rhodes's. Dusty Rhodes, I remember him. And Dustin, I remember as well. Well, yeah, so this is Cody Rhodes, the other brother. Who's not, who wasn't, who was that character that Dustin Rhodes played? I can't remember the kind of slightly pansexual. Oh, um, Goldberg? Gold Dust.

Goldberg, wasn't it? No, Goldberg was a different guy. Gold Dust, okay. He was a big muscle guy. I'm not a wrestling expert. But, uh, no, again, I'm, I'm, I'm new to allberg, wasn't it? No, Goldberg was a different guy. Gold Dust, okay. He was a big muscle guy. I'm not a wrestling expert. But, no, again, I'm new to all this. But, yeah, it was really fun, man. He was great.

And, you know, it was just all very professional. And seeing, actually, people quite close up doing their craft, practicing their craft, and really hurting themselves. I was like, there's no hiding away. Like, taking a bump, falling on the wooden slats of the ring. It's not fun. It does not look like a fun job, to be honest. They do it with a plum.

I think there's a bit of confusion among the general public, of which I was guilty of for a while as well, which is because, in quotes, it's fake, as in the outcome is predetermined. People think the whole thing is fake. Obviously, it's not really fake when you're jumping off something through a massive table. The table's not made like marshmallow.

It's actually painful. And if you read the autobiography of the guy, what's his name? He played Mankind. His name is Mick Foley. He says in that book, I think, every time he actually bled in the ring, it was real blood.'s no there's no

fake blood it's just sometimes things go slightly wrong or he nicks himself or whatever yeah and so that part of it's not fake no nothing nothing about it is fake apart from the storylines and you know maybe when you're pulling punches and stuff you know you're slapping someone's chest rather than punching them and stuff like jumping off top rope and landing on your fucking knees it's gonna do your knees in, you know what I mean? My knees, I can barely get up the stairs. So I'll be in big trouble. But is it fair to say people who like that kind of stuff

and want to hear more about it should listen to your podcast, Wrestle Me? Yes. I don't know anything about wrestling. Mark Haynes knows plenty. And we're going through the WrestleManias starting at one. We're around about nine now. We're into the big Toga party. So we're into the sort of area that I could have been watching

when I was a kid, really. So I listened to the one about WrestleMania 7 with interest because that was a key one for me. But, I mean, for those of you who haven't heard it, I would recommend it. And if you think about what it would be like to listen to a two-handed show with Pete and someone who's actually really good. I know, right?

That's what it would be like. So, Pete, it's a good outlet for you, isn't it? Not having to come in and just talk to me every week. Well, I don't have to travel to hybridism, and that's the main thing. That's the only reason why I do it. Is that right, yeah? That's the main thing, yeah.

It's tax deductible probably as well, is it? Yeah, probably. Good stuff. Well, I was going to give you a bit of a science quiz, Pete. Oh, okay. It's 10 o'clock in the morning. Well, this is the thing. So I might leave it till the next show, because we've talked a lot of crap already. quiz pete oh okay um because it's 10 o'clock in the morning well this is the thing so i might

leave it till till the show the next show because um we've talked a lot of crap already but essentially this comes down to the the u.s government asking uh doing a survey of basic science knowledge questions really easy true or false right but it's surprising how well maybe it isn't surprising depending on your outlook but to me it was quite surprising how little people knew about quite basic science questions. So I took the quiz and got nine out of ten. So it's not that difficult. But I want to see how you do it.

Oh, that's Luke. I got nine out of ten. I didn't see you do it. Don't confuse the listeners. You're Pete. People listening are going to get confused by that. That's a great impression, that's why. Yeah.

You didn't see me do it. No, but I am very trustworthy, as you know. So you'll have to take my word for it. But we'll do it next time around, and we'll see how many you get out of ten. I think it might be quite fun okay but instead of that this time around let's just uh have a break and then do some emails all right then okay luke don't conge me mate pipe down pete i told you never to argue with the customers i'm a little

i'm a little bit um put out that i didn't do the science quiz why why why are you um waiting until next week because we we ain't got endless time, have we? All right, okay. Well, let's do it next week. Well, you'll have a bit of time to research between now and next show, won't you? So no excuses. We talked a bit about national treasures before the break, because it's something we talked about last week,

and it came from a story that you or I or whatever was telling about Brian Blessed. I think both of us told a story about the great Brian Blessed, and then we started talking about national treasures. Well, who is it? Pete, not you. Another Pete who's listening has been in touch. Another national treasure. Yeah.

He says, Dear Luke and Pete, in response to your discussion of national treasures on EP67, here is a list prepared off the back of a series of conversations around the family's Sunday roast dinner table. We've often discussed national treasures and conversation occasionally gets heated and he's included a list

in a number of different sections which I'll come on to. If you do want to get in touch, I just forgot to say that it's hello at lukeandpetecher.com for all your emails. So Pete, not you, the other Pete, has been in touch saying these are his definites, his family's definites, Pete for national treasures

I'm going to read them to you there is a definite list, a potential list and a suggested but ultimately disagreed with list, which is fucking dreadful we'll come on to that in a minute first up, definites Sir Ian McKellen I'm having that

the problem with anybody at any age and I'm looking at the list, I'm not looking at Ian McKellen. I'm having it. I'm having that. The problem with anybody at any age, and I'm looking at the list, I'm not looking at Ian McKellen in particular, but look at the list. It's really hard to put anyone in because certainly as you get older, you become more extreme with your views and you could say anything at any time,

unguarded, and it all falls to bits. But I think we're pretty safe with this lot, to be honest. Ian McKellen's a very good example. Yeah, with the exception of possibly one, which we all falls to bits. But I think we're pretty safe with this lot, to be honest. Ian McKellen's a very good example. Yeah, with the exception of possibly one, which we'll come on to. Okay. Ian McKellen, everyone's happy with that, right?

Yeah, I'd love that, yeah. Okay. I'm putting a tick next to his name. Good, yeah, tick him, and we'll take a photo of that. We'll social media it later. Do get in touch if you've got any strong feelings on this. Next up, and this is a bit of an underrated shout, but I'm interested in it.

Claire Balding. Yeah, I'd have that. I think she's excellent. Yeah. She did let herself down at the horse racing once. What did she do? She asked... I forget which race it was, but a very big race.

It was either the Gold Carp or the Grand National or whatever. And the jockey who won the race was still on the back of his horse and was trotting along. And she grabbed him for the first interview. She had a big long stick with a microphone on the end. Imagine her standing there interviewing

and going on top of a horse. And she's interviewing him live. And normally she's a very safe pair of hands. And we're going back a few years now, so it's a bit unfair to bring it up. I know you haven't heard the story, so I will. She interviews him, asks him a few questions. And then she says something like,

oh, and it's a big financial boost for you as well. And he said, yeah, or whatever. And she went, do you think you maybe use

some of the money to get your teeth done? Because he's got terrible teeth. Wow. Yeah, so. Maybe they were friends though. No, it was a bit of fallout.

Remember when Jim Rosenthal said something about Tessa Sanderson? Yeah, racist. He said something dread Tessa Sanderson. Yeah, racist. He said something dreadful and he said, oh, it's fine

because we're good friends. Well, don't do it on telly. Yeah. If you're going to have some racial banter with your mate, don't do it on telly because that's upsetting

to people. In a way, it's even worse because she's your friend as well. I know. It's so shit. So it wasn't quite that bad.

No. But it was, but balding it, I mean, I'm not sure we should hold that against it. I quite that bad. No. But it was... Right. But balding it, I mean, I'm not sure we should hold that against it. I think that's fine. I want to see the teeth before I make my decision. Yeah. I mean, what I would say is that people in America,

people further afield who aren't familiar with these celebrities, will just have to go with them on this one. Maybe skip ahead for ten minutes. They'll know who Ian McKernan is, won't they? I mean, that's history. We're not talking about American national treasures. Maybe American listeners can get in touch with

their ones and we'll know them and we'll have to wave them all through. Sean Spicer. Yeah. David Attenborough,

pretty standard. He's probably one of the first ones you think of, to be honest. I mean, he is top of the list.

Is he a knight of the realm or not? Probably. Should be. Knight of the animals. Yeah,

he is a knight of the animal kingdom. Knight of farthing wood. Yeah, he is. He's actually a

knight of winded and willows. He's getting a tick, but again, you know, everyone's got animal kingdom. Knight of Farthingwood. Yeah, he is. He's actually a knight of Winden and Willows. He's getting a tick, but again, you know, everyone's got the propensity to do something dreadful. Donaldson, listen, shut up. Until they die, I'm reserving judgment. Take your balls up the fucking bath and stick to it or not.

Don't be hedging your bets. Oh, I'm not sure they might do something rubbish in the future. I've heard rumours. Deal with it now. Deal with it now. Well, we'll come on to that in a minute because, well, listen, someone else I think has got in touch about a thing. And one of the people he suggested, I don't know if we shortlisted the email,

and one of the people he suggested, all sorts of rumours. Anyway, David Dimbleby? He's not the person I've just mentioned there. He's a separate. I don't remember him doing anything dreadful. He's pretty safe bearer hands as well, isn't he? Are you googling David Dimbleby? Controversy.

He is a bit of a safe bearer of hands. Yeah. And he hasn't got a controversy section on his Wikipedia page. But a lot of people do criticise him. Andrew Neil. Yeah. But a lot of people, I think Andrew Neil's a fantastic presenter.

Yeah, but you can be a fantastic presenter and be dreadful. We've been through this before with Edmunds. Next up, next people, I think Andrew Neil's a fantastic presenter. Yeah, but you can be a fantastic presenter and be dreadful. We've been through this before with Edmunds. Next up, Judy Dench. Yeah. Dame Judy Dench. She's gone straight in.

Would you not have with Judy Dench? Oh, Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren. They're almost interchangeable. Yeah, but she's more interesting than Dench, I think. I think so.

She's more attractive as well. Not all that matters. Come on now. She is. She's very attractive. You'd be attractive if you were a national treasure. No, but she's more interesting than Dench, I think. I think so. She's more attractive as well, not all that matters. Come on now. She is. She's very attractive. You'd be attractive if you were a national treasure.

No, you don't. Because all of this list are, you know, not conventionally handsome. You're a disgrace. Like me. Felicity Kendall,

it's a bit of a left field, that. Yeah. Nobody really talks about her, but I'm having it, again. I think that's setting the bar too low.

I mean, she's a fine actor, and she seems nice, but I mean, really, Brian Bless has got to be in the head too low. She's a fine actor and she seems nice, but really, Brian Bless has got to be in the head of her. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. But I think with that situation, I think it's people who are not talked about quite so much.

And so I think people who play the game a little bit more. Ian McKellen is quite a rounded kind of soft. There's no kind of sharp edges with Ian McKellen. You know what I mean? There's no kind of sharp edges with Ian McKellen, you know what I mean? There's no kind of... Yeah, I know what you mean. He's not that forthright about issues that... Well, he is quite forthright.

He's forthright on gay issues and stuff like that, isn't he? He's an activist, but he's not like... Gay rights and stuff. You wouldn't call him a firebrand, would you? So he's quite soft and malleable. Bit of a lovey. Bit of a lovey, yeah. All right, listen, we're going to breeze through the rest

because it's taken way too long. Brandreth. I'm not having Brandreth. I can tell you stories about Brandreth that'll make your toes curl. Next up is the potentials list. We're going through quick.

The potentials list, according to Pete the E-mailer, is you need another 20 years of being a treasure to be accepted into the list. Some of these are out of left field. Right, I'm already

crossing one off this fucking list. Phil Tufnel can go fuck himself. Yeah, I'm not having Phil Tufnel. Matt Baker is either one. I like Matt Baker. I like Matt Baker. I, I'm already crossing one off this fucking list. Phil Tufnel can go fuck himself. Yeah, I'm not having Phil Tufnel. Matt Baker is either one. I like Matt Baker.

I like Matt Baker. I don't know, he goes with his teeth. He's also a presenter from the North East doing better than you, so you might have your own problem with

Yeah, he's gone off the list for me. Steve Backshaw's very good. Who's Steve Backshaw now? He does a lot of children's TV, a lot

of wildlife TV, a lot of adventuring TV. He's a rock climber, he's an investigator, he's a naturalist. That's good because I should know that because I was announced a couple of shows I live on.'s a rock climber, he's an investigator, he's a naturalist. That's good because I should know that because I was

announced to go to a show with him on. He's good. Eddie Redmayne, just an actor at this point. But a good one. Graham Lasso, love Graham,

worked with him before, love you fella. Hang on, why is Wrighty not in front of him on this one? Ian Wright should be in there ahead of Graham Lasso.

Eddie Redmayne twice for some reason. I always put Eddie Redmayne twice. Bernard Cumberbatch, yeah, do you know here's what I've got about Bernard Cumberbatch, right? Right. Tell me what's what I've got about Benedict Cumberbatch, right?

Right. Tell me what you think about this and if you're listening at home, tell me what you think about this as well. When is Benedict Cumberbatch going to fucking play a normal person?

What do you mean? Well, think of all his roles. He just plays mad geniuses. That's his niche. What's his one in The Avengers? Professor...

Doctor Strange. Doctor Strange. Oh yeah. A retired surgeon. That is pretty strange. What's his one in The Avengers? Professor... Doctor Strange. Doctor Strange. Oh, yeah. A retired surgeon. That is pretty strange. And time traveller. The only... I want to see...

I'll tell you what, I'll put Benedict Cumberbatch in my list if Benedict fucking Cumberbatch plays a council estate miner in a kitchen sink drama. Is that normal? Is that a normal role? It's something a bit different. Put him in a... Put him in a kitchen sink drama. Is that normal? Is that a normal role? It's something a bit different.

Put him in a, put him in a, not a sitcom, put him in a romantic comedy, Tom Hardy on the other side, that can play love rivals or something, and see how that one goes. Have a fist fight.

Monty Don, I think Pete's just put this in because it's Chelsea Flower Show at the moment. I don't know who Monty Don is. He's like a gardening presenter. I'm Googling him. Suggested but disagreeing. Who's the famous steeplejack?

Oh, yeah. What was his name? My northern mate really loves him. He died, didn't he? I'm going to write famous steeplejack. What is his name? Is it Fred Talbot? Yeah, I'm going to go with that, yeah.

Is it Fred Talbot? Fred Dibner. Fred Dibner, that's it, yeah. Fred Talbot might have been a disgraced weather presenter. He was all right, wasn't he? Who? Fred Dibnerbot Fred Dibner Fred Dibner that's it Fred Talbot might have been a disgraced weather pro he was alright wasn't he who Fred Dibner Fred Dibner

that is niche what Fred Dibner like an NBA for crying out loud I feel like they've got to be alive still yeah sadly Pete I want to get

the hell out of this email because it's gone on way too long suggested but disagreed with which is the final column in the list of potential national treasures from Pete the emailer's family Martin Klum's

get out David Morrissey David he's definitely threading isn't he David Morrissey David Morrissey's the guy the list of potential national treasures from Pete the E-Mother's family. Martin Klum's Get Out. David Morrissey. He's definitely threading it, isn't he? David Morrissey. David Morrissey's the guy you always compete for. Neil Morrissey.

And you've just done it again. I was doing a quiz on the radio and it was like five questions in 30 seconds. Really, really quick. Who's the lead singer of The Smiths? You said Neil Morrissey. No, I said Neil Morrissey.

I was administering the quiz. Frey Bentos. David Morrissey. I watched the TV adaptation of The Night Manager the other day, which is brilliant. Obviously not as good as the book,

but still very good. And Neil Morrissey's in it in a serious role. It very nearly took me out of it. Yeah, that was difficult, wasn't it? Anyway, David Morrissey, good actor, fine. Nigel Havers, bit smug.

Bill Oddie, yes, probably. Andy Peters, meh. David Mitchell, get out. Charlie Brooker, get out. Both are, bit smug. Bill Oddie, yes, probably. Andy Peters, meh. David Mitchell, get out. Charlie Brooker, get out. Both are far too smug, although I do like Charlie Brooker. Right, okay. Yeah, I'd have that. Coming on that.

Anything to say on that? Yeah. Bill Oddie. Bill Oddie. He's tainted by the partridge brush, isn't he? That's the problem. That's not his fault. That is not his fault.

No, it's not his fault. But thank you for your email, Pete. That was food for thought if nothing else. Food for thought. You know, have you got any more suggestions?

They have to be kind of like out there a little bit. I think that's, you can't just go for the obvious ones, I suppose. Yeah. What would you like to hear

from Mike? Sure. Mike's got some fantastic, well, it's like a three-part email. Oh, is this a bit about sleep paralysis?

There's all kinds of things. This is interesting, this one. I oh is this a bit about sleep paralysis there's all kinds of this is interesting this one before he uh he's just catching up on the last 20 or so episodes that's a an emotional journey roller coaster roller coaster yeah um after disappearing into a podcast hall with 70 odd episodes of a jack the ripper podcast so caught up with your talk 70 episodes that's too many in it man must be a misogynist. In cell. So I caught up with your talk on sleep paralysis. Before I give some info on that, I just want to say two things.

Like Pete, I also played with Dogshit Sandwich, the terrible punk band, in about 2002 in Birmingham. Oh, brilliant. So hang on, you and Mike have both played a show with a punk band called Dogshit Sandwich. Class. Yeah.

Much more recently, that name was topped when I watched a band called Clunge Plunger. Sadly, despite being around for the classic era of household name records, punk in the UK for years, I never shared the stage with one-eyed Willie.

It wouldn't have been difficult. We only did six gigs. I was about to say, so it would have been difficult. Yeah. Yeah, I was about to ask you how many shows you did and how long did your sets last?

We always used to, they were quite lengthy, 40 minutes, 45 minutes. That's long for a punk band. Well, they were all covers mainly. Okay, right. Punk 45 minutes. That's long for a punk band. Well, they were all covers mainly anyway. Okay, right. Punk rock covers. So as long as you wanted then.

Yeah. We used to give away prizes midway through the show, and it was always just stuff we'd found in the streets. So like a PlayStation broken, a big telly broken. One time on Aldair, the one that Kasabian played at weirdly, we gave away a frozen kind of ready meal kind of roast, which the kids at the time, who were up at 11 o'clock when we were playing in the morning,

just started eating it raw. How are you saying that when you spent most of your childhood eating frozen sausages? Oh, dear. Quick question on that all day, which one-eyed Willie, your band played in with Kasabian. Right. Did you watch Kasabian?

Yeah. Did you think, geez, they're very good? No, we kind of knew someone was in the band. They got kicked out for reasons. Because early on, I thought that Kasabian

were a very exciting band. I subscribed and bought a lot of their seven-inch singles, but they used to give out really interesting stuff with the singles, like bandanas, like scarf things

to wear over your face and stencils to spray paint. It's actually really interesting. There's some great riffs in there. Great riffs! I think, you know, Club Ft. Good.

Yeah. If that was done by, like, I know it's probably Led Zeppelin, but if that was done by Led Zeppelin, you'd be like, yeah, that's a fucking authentic riff because it's Kasabian.

I'll be thinking, bit of a comeback. How did this happen? How did this happen? Like Luke, Chris Akabusi also came to my school to preach some God-bothering in assembly. A very much speech-impaired headteacher has to say, Chris Akabusi discusses striving for gold. And it came out exactly as you'd expect. Chris Eubank would pronounce that sentence.

Anyway, I am and was a long-term sufferer of sleep paralysis, and I just want to share some information on it. If you do talk about it on the pod, perhaps don't give my surname because of the stigma still involved in some of this stuff. Sometimes my throat makes that horrible, disgusting, guttural noise. I just heard it. When I panic. When I panic breathe. Is that before or after the

goodness me? Because you say goodness me when you're panicking, which we well know. Goodness me. I should move it to goodness gracious me, like the great TV show of the 90s. As your previous contributor said, sleep paralysis is harrowing. You wake up not being able to move and you have no real sense of time, so it just feels eternal. After years, I'd worked out that heavy drinking did make it worse, but I had no idea what originally caused it.

Fast forward to now my mid-30s, and for many reasons, I've ended up being referred to a psychotherapist, who took particular interest when I said I get sleep paralysis. After many questions and some sessions, much to my surprise, she declared that I had post-traumatic stress disorder from events in my childhood, which I thought only military personnel really got.

She asked me to try EMDR, which is eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, to try and cure it. An incredible discipline. EMDR basically involves getting a subject steady, basically involves getting a subject to remember traumatic events and then try to reproduce what the body does naturally during the REM phase of sleep. That is to process memories from the day. With traumatic events, REM fails to do this.

And what happens is you tend to wake up mid-REM, which is what causes sleep paralysis. Anyway, long story short, after initial scepticism, she tried the technique, which involved me thinking of events while a woman used two fingers for my eyes to follow at varying speeds to mimic REM. After several weeks, it has totally cleared sleep paralysis thus far, and I'm a much happier man.

Isn't that incredible? Yeah, very interesting. He says, if this helps even one of your listeners, then this email would have proved useful. Very good. Fantastic. I had no idea that, you know, it's weird, isn't it? We think that PTSD is just about that,

but it can often be about anything. Have you ever suffered something similar, sleep paralysis or night terrors or anything like that? No. I'm a bit of a, I'm a wiggler. I went to the, what's the Royal Philharmonic at South Bank recently. And it was just, it was such a relaxing experience, like listening to the music that was completely un-magnified, un-amplified.

Seeing these gorgeous instruments being played beautifully. And I must admit, I doze off very, very briefly. But I'm a bit of a wobbler. I'm a bit of a like, sort of a bit of a kick out. That's an evolutionary thing, apparently.

Really? Apparently, I hang over from when we used to live in slightly different environments. Get rid of ants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was rather disconcerting to the other people in the box.

I bet, yeah. I'm a bit of a I'm a fidgeter it takes me ages to get into the right position and then invariably I'll fall asleep for I don't know

however long it is because it's hard to say and I'll wake up again and be like oh I was almost asleep then but looking back I was clearly asleep I once saw a girl

who would kind of every muscle would flex every muscle would kind of, every muscle would flex, every muscle would kind of flex in order. Like her hand would sort of twitch and then her forearm and then her bicep and it would just be like diagnostic.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm just teasing you. How is that allowed? What do you mean every muscle would twitch? Like every muscle would twitch in order sort of thing. While you were asleep or she was asleep? No, just as she was getting to sleep.

Right, right, right. Like she just sort of like, it's really adorable, but also just like a diagnostic thing that a robot would do. Just checking every muscle's working. I can imagine you doing that. And me just watching it going, this is fascinating. She'd never repeat a muscle. She'd just go through every muscle and working. I can imagine you doing that. And me just watching it going, this is fascinating. She'd never repeat a muscle.

She'd just go through every muscle and just kind of go, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. That's the future. Diagnostics. Might be a robot. I don't know. Have you seen that? You know my peccadillos.

Have you ever said that? Have you seen that TV series, Humans? No. With the guy who lives just down my road, can't remember his name, and Jessica Chan, who plays the main AI synth, they're called.

Right. And the whole point is that they're all really human lifelike. You wouldn't really know any different apart from the colour of their eyes. It's reminding me of that. And that's the thing. We said this time and again on this show about AI. You ain't just going to wake up one morning and be like,

it's going to be like iRobot. It's going to happen gradually. I was thinking on the way in this morning. Oh, no. I'm waking up and it's like iRobot in here. Bloody robots everywhere. I was thinking this morning, tell me what you think about this because you're a bit more clued up.

No, I won't. Everyone's got their phone in their hand, right? Yeah. He's picking it up, putting it down, keeps picking it up putting it down picking it up putting it down yeah I read somewhere a while ago that the average person

picks up and puts their phone down like 50 times a day or whatever at one point people are just going to get their phones grafted onto their hands I mean

I'm sure there's easy ways of doing that or there on the wrist just like that yeah just like that look at me now I've got it on my wrist

just tapping away like that easy it'd be annoying if you had to upgrade though wouldn't it just take the chip out mate take the chip out, mate. Take the chip out, mate. It's easy.

It seizes that, innit? That's going to happen because people are already modifying their own bodies. Yeah, I mean... Maybe your ex-girlfriend which is way ahead of her time. What, and she'd got like

a diagnostic chip installed? Yeah. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Was there like an IT nerd next to her like for laptops tapping away like plugged into her? Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Right, have we got time for one more email? Yeah, I think so, mate. Okay, I've got one I really like, but I'm probably going to save it for next time because it's a bit long.

Oh, what's wrong with you? What about this one from James Kettle? Were you going to do Nick's one? No, I was going to do Tom Lindsay's one. Shall I bash out Nick's then?

Go on then. Hello, Nick. This is just spooky. It's just weird. I don't understand how it's happened. Hello, Logan Pete. On the subject of embarrassing stories from our school days,

I'd like to share with you a mystery that, while not featuring any Chinese gentlemen getting out of cars in the middle of Norway, I think they were Japanese, actually. The Bo Beddingfield mystery. Oh, is it Bo Beddingfield? Yeah, to use its real name. I think they were Japanese, yeah. That's had me stumped.

This has had me stumped for the last 20 years. I've not shared this with anyone before. Well, you'll find out why. But I was hoping your listeners might be able to shed some light on the mystery, or at the very least give me some form of closure. On a school trip to Germany, our teachers gave us a couple of hours to go explore

Hamburg. Let's face it, a filthy place. We could have gone and looked at the Rathaus, or headed down to the port, but being adolescent boys, the first thing we did was go straight to an adult video store. By the counter was a bucket of old VHS tapes without their original boxes on sale for a euro. Each of us took our lucky dip, and

I went home with Nymphomania Nipple 2. The idea of a nipple being a nymphomaniac. I also like the way you said, a somewhat cavalier choice, given I hadn't seen the first one. Are you going to follow the story? My childhood bedroom was adjoined by a small annex that gave access to the roof space,

and it was here that I carefully stashed the tape when I got back home. Occasionally watching it from time to time when my parents were out. On, you know, all clean fun. This is all very 90s so far. Yeah, on one such occasion, I was puzzled to find what appeared to be

a different VHS tape in its place. Again, with no cover or identification, save for the word animals scrawled across in the marker pen. What followed was a series of appalling bestiality scenes. We don't have to get into what he's just described in his email. The thing is, Pete, people will be able to tell, very close listeners will be able to tell

who's compiled the emails this week. Either me or you. Well, I've already had a telenoff saying, oh, too many cats getting hurt. It wasn't a story about the cat. It wasn't a story about the cat. It wasn't a story about the cat dying. It was a story about a less than charming child trying to cover up a crime. We've been through this, Pete.

What happens when you take these people on? What do you mean? It gets worse. What do you mean? So just carry on with the email. I'm just saying. So Nick here. We're both animal lovers here.

Yeah, we are actually there's no issue here I love a dog Luke loves a cat we squared it all away I love both I love both actually I'm quite like a ferret

we used to have a zoo ferret that I used to have to look after that I used to have to walk on and it would lead around the zoo

which is adorable the amount of stories from your zoo ferrets are ridiculous like why are they so long? Like, they are so stupid. You've got to spray them because they stink.

They're such weird animals, but they're quite affectionate. But they're just so hilariously long. I'd love to see one shave. For some reason, whenever someone thinks of me, this is ridiculous. Whenever someone mentions ferret, this is the thing I automatically think of. I don't know why.

A comedian in a northern men's working club with a ferret down his trouser. I don't know where that's come from. Do you recognise that, though? Well, northern is like Yorkshireman. You'd have a whippet or a ferret, wouldn't you? Why? But a ferret is such a weird, such an alien creature.

Why has the ferret been chosen? Of all the large rodents, why has the ferret been chosen? Long rodents, really. It's probably not even a rodent. But anyway, Nick has just found his VHS tape replaced with another VHS tape with some horrendous animal-based filth on it. Yeah, that's what they... I'm not getting into that.

Now, I know what you're thinking, but no, the tape was definitely not one of the others we purchased in Hamburg, nor had any of my friends been around since my last viewing to make the switch. I didn't have any brothers or sisters to blame, and you'd only need to meet my incredibly straight-list parents to know that they could not have been in any way responsible.

Hmm. I have a couple of questions. I'm seeing a man, bald, spectacles with a virgin media bill. Yeah, same, Pete. If I just plant myself as the imaginary detective in this case, I'm looking at the evidence, and the first thing I'm thinking is, who's got access to the bedroom? It's the mother or the father?

It's the dad. Have you, you say your parents are straight list, have we had the story of when they met? It's always the quiet ones as well. Always the quiet ones. My mum and dad, they never had a story from when they, they were very coquettish about where they met. Some say it was a club in Newcastle,

then it changed to Sunderland. What's going on there then? Was it in Seaham? Was it in Seaham? Was it in Sunder there then was it in seum was it in seum was it in sunderland was it in your castle the stories keep changing what's lost to the sands of time what's the actual story you don't know literally have no idea right uh so me and my sister thought i didn't even bring it up my sister said well this is the only this is our like unique kind of uh not unique kind of, not unique,

kind of quite... You've gone too far. You're talking about your own mother there. I'm saying it. You're not saying it. I'm saying that's what me and my sister said. Well, you know... How am I going to put that in the synopsis?

How else are my mum and dad going to meet? My dad was in the Navy. My mum's story keeps changing about where they met. I'm not having it. It's weird. She probably just wants you to mind your own business. I know. Yeah, but it's weird.

They're very silent about their past. It's a bit of a leap, isn't it? It's a bit of a leap from there. We were young. Right. So you don't think it now. That's good. No, I don't think it now.

Get back to Nick's email. I never thought I'd hear myself say this. I'd rather hear about Nick's bestiality porn tape than your chat. Can Nick definitely prove he wasn't the product of some kind of swinging party? That's all I'm saying. That's where I know a few people

whose parents met at a swingers party. Fair enough. It's fine. That's what I'm saying. But Nick's saying that parents have no fetishes. I think the fact that he's felt the need to even mention his parents in the email means it's almost certainly his parents yeah well anyway um the only people who had access to the house at some time at this time were some builders they could conceivably have used the annex to get access

to the roof and stubble cost my stash but even then I can't reconcile the motives or thought processes behind the switching of the tapes, not to mention the planning involved is beggar's belief. However, with no other explanation presenting itself, to this day I have an irrational fear of tradesmen, and now a homeowner myself will not leave them alone in my flat for fear of what perverted goings-on

may occur in my absence. Yeah, I mean, that is a troubling story. That's just reminded me of, I know a good friend of mine's wife ran a quite nice hotel overseas. And she said to me, always put the do not disturb thing on your door. Always.

Because they won't steal stuff, but they will go through your shit. Oh, yeah. And cleaners apparently by nature can be, just very, very nosy. Whenever I'm in an Airbnb, I remember I didn't get a review from one in

Chicago, even though I'd given him some cigars, the guy who owned the place, he was going back and he was going to a wedding, so I gave him some cigars. I didn't get a review from the guy. I can only think he had cameras up in the house, because I definitely tried his jackets on a few guy. I can only think he had cameras up in the house because I definitely tried his jackets on a few times.

If you're going to leave cupboards unlocked, I'm going to go for a mooch mooch. That's quite innocent. It's not quite the sort of massive betrayal of trust that

is the unwritten contract. Probably the written contract of this fucking whole thing. You shouldn't really be doing that. But that's quite

an innocent way to betray someone's confidence. I may have bounced his basketball and maybe broken a fan as well, but, you know, that's... These things happen. These things happen, mate.

Listen, you lie down with dogs, you get fleas. Dancing in town, you're in trouble. Cool. Well, that's about it for us. A truly horrendous way to end episode 69. Oh, come on. Yeah, 69, baby. Yeah.

That's what it's all about. Let's get out of here. If you want to get into the show, as always, we live for your dispatches and your correspondence and your messages and your faxes. And your missives.

Your missives. It's hello at Luke and Pete show.com. Yeah. We look forward to hearing from you and we'll be back in a few days time. Yeah.

See you in a bit. Outro Music