The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 72: The dangers of Thunder Mountain

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Rejoice, because The Luke and The Pete are back in their hotseats and shooting the proverbial once again. This time around there's the great 'compressed air v jet fuel' debate, more flat earth nonsense and a an honourable mention for the late Anthony Bourdain.Elsewhere, your emails include a horrific tale about a ride at Disneyland Paris gone wrong, a boy wetting himself on stage at school, and much, much more. To serenade us: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the Luke and Pete show. I am Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Moore and we're back in your ears on your podcast channel wherever you get your podcasts we're there. Don't gge me, mate. Could be iTunes, could be the iOS store, it could be an old man under a bridge, wherever you get your podcasts, we're available. Out of a little paper bag. Have a little paper bag, have a little drink down

the park, don't tell the park ranger because he'll have your hands off. Have a little spin on that. Have a little spin on that. Luke Moore. First one's free, mate. Luke Moore, you were just saying off air you couldn't remember what you did this week. I have a little spin on that. Luke Miller. First one's free, mate. Luke Miller, you were just saying off air you couldn't remember what you did this week. I can tell you what I did this week. I've been researching what can only be described

as a conspiracy theory. Okay, tell me more. I don't know what's happening here. I mean, it's to this point that I've noticed that Luke Miller hasn't armed the recording arm for the iPad, so we're just recording a mic here, so that intro, I'm going to have to add in post. So just imagine, Luke, that, you know,

I don't have to do any extra work. I've had a lot on, sorry. Because of your deficiency. But it's fine. It's fine. It's all good. Yes, I found out about a new conspiracy theory, and I'm really slightly enraged, slightly excited by it.

It doesn't involve me, does it? It's amazing, right? We got, who was I reading about last night? Kat Von D, famous tattooist from the TV show, not London Ink, LA Ink and New York Ink and all those kind of inky programmes about tattoos. Inky programmes. And she's got a new line of vegan eyeliner and shit like that.

Vegan eyeliner, indeed. Vegan eyeliner. Because everything either contains or is tested upon animals. Right. From the little rabbits in their eyes. And yeah, she's come out, she's going to raise a child as vegan,

fine, whatever, fine, whatever you want to do. But she's also raising a child as vegan and also without the old vaxxers. She's an anti-vaxxer oh dear and so like there's just so many people like that you know we've reached 2018 anti-vaccinations we've got flat earthers everyone's gone bat shit mental we've got flat earthers we've got anti-vaxxers we've got anti earthers flat vaxxers we've got all of them and when I said anti-earthers there, you looked at me like,

hang on, I'm not having this. You didn't realise it was a joke. I know, I know. You subverted what I thought was going to happen. And from whence the comedy arose. So what's your theory then? Jet engines. These people reckon that jet engines

don't run on petroleum, don't run on the old jet fuel. Right. They run on compressed air. And they say that we are spending so much money on fuel, basically, and all of our tickets are very expensive because of the conceit that jet fuel costs a lot of money. Right.

But in fact, all planes run on compressed air. I haven't gone too far into it, but I've watched a few YouTube videos about it, and it's bloody mental. Okay. And for those people who think that planes can run, maybe they can run. Maybe some engines can be modified to be run on compressed air rather than jet fuel. How – the energy still has to be expended to compress that air in the first place. Air is not naturally compressed.

You've still got to use some kind of petrol or electricity to compress that air. Can compressed air melt steel beams? Don't know. So when you said you've got a conspiracy theory, what you meant was you read about compressed air on the internet. I read about people making YouTube videos about the whole conspiracy theory that there's no such thing as jet fuel anymore. None of the planes run on jet fuel.

They all run on compressed air, which is news to me. Could Pilot Neil inform us? He probably could. Stick your head, Neil, right into that engine. Have a look around. Turn it on. Fire up, mate. Fire up.

Have a little look around and see what happens. Open the, in quotes, fuel tank. Have a little drink up. Have a drink up. See what's in there. Oh, it's just air! It's just air. What noise, if you, you know, get one of those leather man multi-purpose tool knives

things, get the knife bit out, just jab it as hard as you can into the side of the plane, and if there's one of two noises that's going to happen, it's either going to be, oh my God, Neil, what are you doing? Stop stabbing the plane. Or this noise.

Yeah. So there we go. No, never has a pilot come over the intercom and said, I'm terribly sorry about this. Because they all speak like that. I've just come over the intercom no that's not what I meant I think you know that

I was carrying some erotic contraband and I couldn't take it any longer we're running a little bit short of compressed air so we're going to have to take some from the cabin could everybody blow into the pipes if you look above your seat there'll be a tube that'll fall down you blow into that pipes. If you look above your seat, there'll be a tube that will fall down.

You blow into that as hard as you can. Be sure to affix the mask to your face before helping anyone else and blow the air into the compressed air tanks, which you'll know as the fuel tank. But I can assure you, and it'll be really patronising about it, I can assure you,

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is actually full of compressed air. Here's my idea about flat earth. All right. Well, Vassil, what do you think about the flat earth hypothesis? I am enjoying the fact that these days they have to hilariously go into a situation where they have to pretend

Australia doesn't exist and anyone who's been to Australia is a liar and the people who are there are actors I just don't understand why Australia is singled out bearing in mind that by their hypothesis any country could be a lie why are they picking Australia and Micronesia and Polynesia and all those places

In the words of a Fame Academy graduate David Sneddon you're living a graduate David Sneddon you're living a lie David Sneddon but my my the point I was just quickly going to make

on Flat Earth oh fuck off mate what your points alright yeah fair enough it's a fair it's dissing

you're only saying I know I know right I know right I know right I know right I've got some Duncan Bantai and stuff later

oh stop I haven't I haven't it was just a joke no It was just a joke. No! It was just a joke. I'm leaving. Can I just...

You're busy enough, Luke Mower. I hope we haven't mentioned this on the show before. With none of your Anodyne Bannatyne nonsense. Anodyne Bannatyne. That's his full name. A couple of people on iTunes, actually only one person on iTunes, which stuck in my craw,

said about this show, it's not very good because they keep repeating their stories. We're in our late 30s, mate. We can't remember anything that's happening. How do you not expect us to repeat our stories? If anything, it builds what radio people would say is a community. Yeah, and you've got to remember that some people join in halfway through. Exactly.

And doors off in the middle of the podcast and stuff. And that's just the presenters. So I was just really going to say, at the risk of saying it, because it had already been said before, the thing that blew my mind the most about flat Earthers is they don't believe that the other planets in the solar system

are flat. They believe they're all spheres. They're all planets. They're all spherical. It's just Earth that's flat. Yeah, exactly. Do they just add to their, you know,

wacky hypothesis and then they just seem to come up with a stupid idea and then they have to prove it with nonsense. But then they also have to sort of add shit to it to make it more interesting and to make it more, to square away any situations.

It's like the opposite to Occam's razor, basically. Yeah, it's a bizarre place to get yourself in. I mean, there's so much stuff to actually learn about than to start making up shit. I don't know. I know it's often said, but I'm tired of this anti-expert kind of 2018. I saw a great tweet once. Obviously, it was a response to Brexit

because everything is a response to Brexit these days and it said it said I'm fed up of all these facts figures and statistics leave me alone I'll stick to my own

opinions thanks it's incredible isn't it love it it's such it's hubris mixed with absolute clod headed tosh toshod-headed tosh.

Tosh. Absolute tosh. Tosh lines from the bill. Yes. Tosh lines from the bill. Mustache. Don't blame him. No.

I once, when Grand Theft Auto 4's trailer came out, I spent a good afternoon thinking about it when I had a lot more free time putting Tosh lines in the background of loads of scenes of Grand Theft Auto 4, and I went, isn't it weird how Grand Theft Auto 4 has got a lot of Tosh lines from the build in it? A bit like Cold War Steve on Twitter. Oh yeah, he's great. He's fantastic. It's always the same characters, always like Arsene Wenger, Steve McFadden, Kim Jong-un. Donald Trump's always involved. Same characters, always like Arsene Wenger, Steve McFadden, Kim Jong-un. Yeah, yeah.

Donald Trump's always involved. Ian Beale, he's always in his dishevelled Trump look. Yeah, about five people watched the video, I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I'd do anything. I liked your Dad's with Swords videos, we talked about that before. Oh, well, there you go. Don't repeat yourself. It's not just missed with you, sometimes it is occasionally hit.

Hit. But it's annoying that you spend all afternoon doing a you sometimes it is occasionally hit hit but it's annoying that you spend all afternoon doing a little video that you think is really white hot at a tournament and then it gets to a point

where you could just go on the say the Football Rambler account and just write Fannies and it gets 100 retweets and you're like what's the point in doing anything yeah

I've seen you do exactly that mate it was a scientific study more recently the drawings weren't no they weren't they weren't more They weren't. More recently,

sometimes I do a previously on Luke and Pete show, and we all know that, but I didn't do it this time around. But more recently, we have been talking about films, right? We talked a bit about Annihilation. Yes. No sooner had we made that episode and put it out,

and I talked a lot about it, and how much I enjoyed it. First tweet back, watched Annihilation, five out of ten. That's good. People just don't like, people just much I enjoyed it. First tweet back, watched that Annihilation, five out of ten. That's good. People just don't like, people just aren't into it.

You were annoyed that our good friend at Stakhanov Industries, Sam, he didn't enjoy it quite so much. Yeah, I said that, didn't I? I said because he was annoyed with the special effects. Yeah.

But anyway, on the sort of continuing film tip, have you seen the trailer for that film Hereditary? No. Have you heard of it? No. So, there's this horror film out called Hereditary by a debut director, I believe.

Right. And it is supposed to be this generation's exorcist. It's supposed to be the scariest film in many a moon. Oh, I've seen that little weird looking kid. Yeah, she's involved. She's involved.

And it's got unbelievable reviews. Unbelievable. One of the reviews I haven't got it to hand but it said something like 8 out of 10 IMDB Metacritic

86% 92 Rotten Tomatoes That's pretty good. but it said something like... No, 8 out of 10 IMDB. Metacritic, 86%. 92 Rotten Tomatoes. That's pretty good. So it said... I mean, one of the reviews says, hereditary avoids cheap shock and or scare tactics almost entirely, instead building up to a bone-chilling tension

that's relatable and frighteningly realistic. One of the reviews I read of it said, genuinely upsetting, which I quite liked. So I was wondering wondering because you're normally you've probably i thought you i would have thought you'd interviewed all the stars and you knew all about it but clearly it's passed you by is it no it's completely i really want to see it but the same time i don't because i'm quite frightened by it well let me um give you the um don't give

me a plot no let me give you the imdb rotten tomatoes and uh common sense media scores for uh one of my favorite films Air Bud oh god here we go ok 5.1 out of 10 from IMDB 45% Rotten Tomatoes and 4 out of 5 from Common Sense Media

so there we go Air Buds can't beat it a basketball playing I think it's basketball playing dog I thought it was a frisbee

no every dog can play frisbee that's true it'd be boring wouldn't it just a normal dog mate look at this fucking dog how we get an hour and a half what's the budget for this just a normal dog CGI for play frisbee that's true it'd be boring wouldn't it it's a normal dog mate look at this fucking dog how we get an hour

and a half what's the budget for this it's a normal dog CGI for the frisbee very expensive and going back to Annihilation

Richard Hay on Twitter said it didn't get a release because remember I said to you it was straight to Netflix apparently it got very negative test

screenings which didn't please the producer but Alex Garland refused to re-edit it and decided to bury it and sold the rights to Netflix that's how it can go to bury it and sold the rights to Netflix.

That's how it can go sometimes these days. One of my favourite films is Suburban Commando featuring Hulk Hogan. So maybe you can find me the reviews on that, Pete. I was looking at the trailer reviews for the trailer for Annihilation. That's the Fortnite

storm. Frankie Parker says that. The risk of making myself an absolute laughingstock to you and everyone listening at home i'll risk it what is fortnight it's a uh is it like player battleground it's a video game it's it's basically player unknown's battlegrounds but done uh in a slightly more polished fashion and it's free and that's why it's been able to maintain market penetration, because literally everyone is playing it. It came out on the Switch yesterday,

E3, obviously it's happening at the moment, where all the video games are announced, and they basically said it in the Nintendo E3 direct thing, they sort of went, hey, it's out now, go and get it, dickheads. Right, that's nice about doing it, because I saw a couple of the England squad talking about playing it in their downtime.

I always think about Half-Life 3, which is a game that people have been waiting for forever and it probably will never come out, but I think if they ever do it,

they might do a David Bowie. Hey, hey guys, the album's out next week. The first album in five years. What game is that you're talking about? Half-Life 3. They did two

and two changed everything. It was incredible. And so people have been waiting about 10 years, 15 years for the next one. Do you think it'll ever happen? I don't think it'll ever happen. But if it does, I reckon they'll probably do a... It's out now. Go and get it.

Very nice. So there we go, guys. Very nice. Hitman's back. He's off to Miami. He's off to F1. Beautiful. Love a bit of Hitman.

One of my favourite games. What about video games on this show? Mate, let's just turn this into a game show. You can do Chuckie Egg. I can do Hitman. back. He's off to Miami. He's off to F1. Beautiful. Love a bit of Hitman. One of my favourite games. What about video games on this show? Mate, let's just turn this into a game show. You can do Chuckie Egg. I can do Hitman. Chuckie Egg. I wouldn't just be doing Chuckie Egg, Pete, actually. The joke's on you there

because I'd be doing Exile. I'd be doing Elite. Elite. I'd be doing Super Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo. I'd be doing Super Mario... I haven't finished. Super Mario 64 on the Nintendo 64. Super Mario 64,

the original Battle Royale game. Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo. Super Mario 64, the original Battle Royale game. Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo. A world of Marios, a hundred of them, fighting off against each other. I think Super Mario World is as close to perfection as you'll get in a platform game. What do you think about that? I think you're a basic bitch and we should move on.

Yeah, let's do some emails. Let's do some emails. After this damn break. She's going to report me for saying, bugger, you know. Oh, just wait till I see your mother. You're in real trouble. Oh, I tell you what, if she's going to go and see you, then tell her this bugger-shaped fuck-sheet

fucking sphincter. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-boo. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da. You shouldn't be doing that. Sorry, mate. Get ten seconds out of it, can't you? Yeah, it's fine. Emails, baby! If you want to get in touch with us, the show address is

helloatlukeandpeachshow.com Oh, I got a bit gassy then. And we're getting to the point, sorry, I'll get you back. We're getting to the point now where... Can you pat my back? Do you think we should stop the emails forwarding

to our personal addresses and just use that account? Because we're getting so many, it's doing my head in. What do you mean? I was in. So when someone emails helloatlukeandpeachshow.com

Yeah. I get it forwarded to my email address. Right. Save me logging into another account. I'm just saying I might stop it because it's too much. I mean, that's between you and your email box. What do you think? You have that as well, don't you?

No. Oh, you don't? Okay, right. I'm an idiot. Okay, yeah, well, fair enough. Yeah, you know the internet better than me. I'm a compartmentaliser. I put the mental into compartmentaliser.

So if you do want to get in touch it is hello at lukeandpeatshow.com or Pete's personal email address which is I'm not going to do it first things first

we're talking about national treasures I think I or somebody may have suggested Fred Dibner I'm not going to go into the reasons

why I'm saying this but Nick and Daniel having none of this Fred Dibner for national treasure for reasons I can neither prove nor get into. So thank you for those emails. I've taken it under consideration and sounds about right.

But just in the interest of fairness, Pete, the person who suggested Fred Dibner was you. Correct. I know nothing of people's private lives because I'm very much a sensible chap. Bourdain died there this week. Oh, yes. Let's talk about that. Because I wouldn't have...

I wasn't the biggest fan, but he always seemed like a pretty correct kind of guy. And I think, listening to the interview since he died, wow, what an interesting chap. Yeah, I mean, for those... You know what I'm like, I hate food programmes. Yeah, exactly. But he was never about that was he really he was kind of what's more about life and

and how food i guess relates to life and he was more of a it was a bit of a um an explorer a traveler all that kind of stuff he's a bit like and my my knowledge of him isn't at all an expert level either um but i would say he's a bit more like a rick steiny type character used to go around travelling around experiencing things as well rather than just cooking and all that kind of stuff well he's a man

who grew up being a chef for something like 20 years and he wrote that New York Times article and that kind of propelled him into

stardom and I think I listened to a good hour long interview with Matt Maron that he re-put out from about 10 years ago

and it was just interesting to sort of hear him sort of say, well, I basically got a third chance there. I've read Kitchen Confidential a number of years ago, which I think probably is most famous. I don't know how many books he's written, to be honest, but I think that's probably his most famous. And I didn't actually enjoy it that much. I found it a little bit, I don't know, a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I did. And do you know what? One thing I will do is I will go back and read it because I caught it, I looked it on my bookshelf

just yesterday and thought, you know, I'm going to reread that. I owe him that much, I think. So I'll do that. But yeah,

and absolutely tragically, of course, but I don't think it was enough to just call him a celebrity chef. I mean, obviously he was a traveller, a sort of documentary maker, an author. He spoke very eloquently and I think it was enough to just call him a celebrity chef. I mean, obviously he was a traveller, a documentary maker, an author. He spoke very eloquently.

And I think it's something that I need to learn a little bit more, I think, about who's that really right-wing guitarist in Republican circles in the US? Ted Nugent. Yeah. He was good friends with Ted Nugent. Was he? Yeah. circles in the US.

Ted Nugent? Yeah. He was good friends with Ted Nugent. Was he? Yeah. And like, he's like, you go around the world

and stuff and you go to these places that are, you know, have problematic kind of political outlooks frequently and you break bread

with these people and then they'll be the loveliest, most hospitable people in the world and then they'll turn around and say something like the Jews did 9-11. You know what I mean? They'll turn around and do something, say something dreadful and then they'll be the loveliest, most hospitable people in the world and then they'll turn around and say something like, the Jews did 9-11

you know what I mean, they'll turn around and say something dreadful you can't just write people off simply because they're political views and I have a severe problem with that kind of outlook I would go further than that Peter, Ted Nugent is a ridiculous example because the man is clearly

insane, so park him to one side side my take on that particular point there would just be since when um do do do people's political beliefs have anything to do anything i mean why are we now in a world why do we live in a world and it's particularly bad in the us by the way why do we live in a world where everyone's political views are known why do you have to come out on one side of the fence or the other why let me finish why should you know or care about my political views, and why should I care about yours? Because

frequently, party politics, but specifically personal politics, when it comes to women, when it comes to ethnic minorities, when it comes to any BAME groups, that shows that you are not a thoughtful and

pleasant person. If it was just, you know, my feelings about the fucking Cuban Missile Crisis or communism, that's less personal. But the problem is politics has entered the bedroom. It's entered the fucking house, you know what I mean? It's entered people's lives and made people's lives miserable. Do you want to hang out with... Would you hang out with a fucking paedophile? Would you hang out with a fucking...

Like, it's akin to shit like that for me. What's a paedophile got to do with politics? Well, I'm just saying that someone has certain feelings or certain ideas about how the world should work that are just abhorrent, to be quite frank. If you've got nothing more to offer as a human being in terms of your interactions with other people than a firmly held dogmatic political opinion,

then no, I don't want to associate with you. My point isn't, we're not talking a different, we're not arguing here really, but we're essentially debating separate points. Do your politics make you a cunt, basically? I think that's kind of on a basic level. But I think certain politics do. Hang on, hang on.

All I'm saying is, why shouldn't it just be like what your salary is? Why does everyone else have to know? That's my point. Why has it got to be articulated and publicised, not just among your social friendship group, but on Twitter, publicly, on everything you do,

to tell everyone exactly what you think about a specific political issue, when ultimately, you get one vote in an election, I get one vote in an election, that guy over there who's mad gets one vote in an election, that woman down there gets, and that's it. So why not just keep it to yourself and talk about something else? The problem is

the world these days, by the way, it's not different political opinions. The problem is too much politics. That's the problem. No, it's too much Twitter. It's too much people running to Twitter to make their statements like they're the fucking president. That bothers my piss. That doesn't mind nothing.

I rarely get involved with that kind of business. So what do we do? We just sit down, read the fucking Daily Star or The Sun or The Express that tells us that Muslims are bad and we stick that in our heads and then we just go up the polls and then we vote a fascist in. Is that how we're supposed to deal with this stuff? Or people who

you would probably regard as more enlightened are sort of going, this is fucking bullshit. People of ethnic minorities, gay women, they're not getting a fair crack of the whip and the main parties just aren't responding in like and the newspapers. It is

state media when you look at how popular The Sun is compared to The Guardian. I think it's a responsibility of people to talk about, I'm afraid, because we're in a situation where everything's a little bit shit for people who aren't people like you, two white middle class men. Yeah, I mean, I do take that point,

but I ultimately still think that the problem with politics is that it's permeated everything. It's permeated everything. So no one takes anyone on merit. I think it the problem with politics is that it's permeated everything. It's permeated everything. So no one takes anyone on merit. No one takes it. I mean, I think it was Ricky Gervais that said, no one looks at what someone's saying anymore. They look at the person who's saying it. And that's not helpful.

But anyway, look, we're getting bogged down here. At one point in the deep, distant past, we were going to do people's emails, Peter. Yes. Now you filtered out all the ones with political opinions you don't agree with, which is fine because I haven't got time to do the admin myself so I can't complain. Well sorry, we can start with this one

which I think will offset what we've just been talking about. Tamis WG from Australia. Gentlemen, in Australia the

unforeseen erection suffered slash enjoyed on a moving bus or train is called travel fat. There's nothing political about erections.

We all get them. Actually some people don't and that's why they've got their opinions. Does a statue count as an erection? I don't know. It has been erected.

Yeah, exactly. So it probably does. Can you have a confederate erection? I don't know. Of course you can. Of course you can. Doesn't mean we agree with it. Ryan has also been in touch

saying, Hello Luke and Pete. During a holiday in 1995, our parents took a 10-year-old me and my little sisters to Disneyland Paris for the day for the day for the i mean long day that depending where you live yeah they might live just outside paris um we've been on a couple of rides with no incident and we then went around the big thunder

mountain ride which is a frontier land mine train roller coaster we've been on the front carriage and exiting the ride disaster struck there was a small amount of water on the floor by the ride, which I slipped on, and I proceeded to fall about 1.5 metres down the pit in front of the ride. This is chaos. Because I tried to keep my footing, I fell in an upright position,

landing on the ride's track in between my legs. Stop the ride. Stop it. i think i said i was i was i was quickly hoisted out in from in front of the ride by my dad uh and and staff with blood already soaking through my shorts the genitals having taken the full impact of the fall it gets where paramedics were called and i was left mortified as they whipped my chap out in front of all the ride-goers to assess the damage. I was then taken in a Disney ambulance to the on-site medical centre

and not let out until I stopped pissing blood. You must be this appalled to ride this ride. To make matters worse, they put my balls, which were black and blue, in bandaging and gave me deeply uncool 101 Dalmatian boxer shorts to replace my bloodied clothes. my balls, which were black and blue, in bandaging, and gave me deeply uncool 101 Dalmatian boxer shorts to replace my bloodied clothes. Sorry, why are we in a hospital

at this point? Why are we just being treated by like medics? Disney hospital, mate. What, 101 Dalmatians? Being treated by Shere Khan. Sorry, I put a fucking Mickey Mouse stent in your arm. Jesus Christ. Transplant Pluto's liver.

I think with company liability on the mind of the staff, I was given cue jumps for the rides to compensate my trauma. That's the least I expect. Why are you even still there? Yeah. The French. Listen to this, though. This included using special paths to the rides

built specially for a recent visit by Michael Jackson. The fuck is this? The staff seemed to think that I'd be impressed, but I wasn't a fan of Michael Jackson and B, I didn't want to go near a ride again. Anyway, adding insult to injury. I couldn't play football for the rest of the summer until my swollen and

bruised balls were let out of bandaging. And my parents refused to seek compensation because they were just happy. I was okay. There has been no lasting impact, except I'm too comfortable with nudity. Now this has been cathartic. Sorry for the length of the email. Take care, Ryan.

The batteries in my Greek hotel at the moment are Q-Connect. Ryan, I don't know where to start with that, to be honest. Where there's blame, there's a claim? I blame the parents. Why didn't the parents take them home? My kids, if my child was pissing blood, I would not take the say so of the fucking

talking candle from Beauty and the Beast his hands are fire for what be our guests be our guests put our service to the test

yeah his hands are actually fire if he tries to treat you he's going to set you ablaze yeah but I guess that edge you want

up here so you'll be fine anyway Cinderella tried to do the operation but she had to be owned by midnight so much of this

give it a few moments in a way I wish I planned this in advance because I've had loads more the cock from Robin Hood he plays I've never heard that one that well banjo banjo string

no something like that might be a mandolin actually never mind under the sea under the sea there's no tracks to under the train crack your knack tracks to... Under the train.

Crack your knackers on them. Under the train. Oh, my word. Terrible. That was a real departure, wasn't it? What? I tell you what, I lightened the mood after your political rant, which I didn't care for.

Why? We were having a pretty little discussion. I know, but you were ranting a bit. I like a rant. Stuart Patterson from Aberdeen. Stuart Patterson from Aberdeen. Hello, Stuart Patterson from Aberdeen. He was listening to the rest of me podcast

and migrated over to the Luke and Pete show we like those emails because we got the adverts working the systems are working thank Christ rest of me is a fantastic show

with Pete and a more talented man called Mark fuck off my baby boy Joel was very poorly when he was born in May and spent a week

in the neonatal unit obviously a very stressful time for any parent I had to make some grim early morning and late night drives to and from the hospital, not knowing if he was going to make it. Listening to your nonsense about late night takeaway orders and £250 broadband, mate, the truth's bearable.

Can I just say, on the £250 a month broadband, I warned you that would make you feel, seem like you were out of touch with the common man. And we got a couple of tweets saying, he's an absolute knobhead, Donaldson. Whoa, whoa, why is that? Just putting it out there. No, I'm saying that I am interested in the modern man.

I'm getting fucked in the behind. Yeah, but you are still paying. I'm Bruce Springsteen. I'm getting fucked by the government. Can't start a broadband. I'm literally getting fucked by the Tories. They're saying they're going to have super fast broadband everywhere. Where's my super fast broadband, me?

Tories again, mate. Fucking Tories. Listen, you're in a position of power. Maybe you can get an audience with me. Jesus. Come on. Anyway, Joel's home now and doing well indeed. Lovely to hear.

Great to hear. Always a pleasure. God bless the NHS. God bless that child. God bless the child. It's got its own. Can't be other look at me, Joe. Yeah.

So because you helped me through such a tough time, I thought I'd give something back by embarrassing an old school friend I was going to change his name but we fell out a few years ago over a bird so I'm going with his real moniker you can't call girls birds

no but even though it sounds fake and to be clear this is not me saying that it happened to a friend to cover that it was me that means it is that means it is

if you hadn't left that in there we wouldn't have considered it the primary 7 annual shot Walker Road primary in Aberdeen in 1989 was Tom Sawyer. We performed it every night for a week in the church hall. It was next to the school in front of a room filled with parents, teachers, counsellors and anyone else who could be arsed sitting through it.

It was a chore. My pal, Watson Brown. That does sound like a made-up name, fair enough. Watson Brown? Watson Brown. I'm sorry, mate. Stuart, we're not going to go along with this. It's me, Watson Brown of Aberdeen. What's fucking Watson Brown Watson Brown I'm sorry mate Stuart we're not going to get along with this It's me Watson Brown

of Aberdeen What's fucking Watson Brown doing What's Watson Brown doing What's Brown doing here What's he doing

Anyway they were in the chorus and they played Anonymous Villagers In one of the final scenes we stood at the back of the stage as some

bit of business played out really paying attention As the scene wore on Watson suddenly became very animated and flushed.

In whispered tones, he said something about needing the toilet, but there was nothing he could do because to get to the toilet would mean him walking across the stage and interrupting the show. He had no option but to brave it out. At one point, the poor bugger got a row from a teacher in the wings for moving about and drawing attention. Eventually, nature took its course and he pashed himself. There was a puddle on the stage.

Word quickly got round and there was a fair bit of hilarity. Paul Watson's got dogs abuse, but to make matters worse, this was the night the show was being recorded. A week later, he had to sit in the common room and relive his nightmare as the whole school watched the tape. I think that was worse than him soiling himself. Of course it's worse. Of course it's worse.

If you do it in front of a handful of people, that's one thing, but then having it played back in front of you, that's absolutely outrageous. Or penguins at the zoo. Yeah. I remember the tension in the room building as everyone wondered how much we'd get to see. It was very clear what was going on.

You could see his flushed face and see him jumping onto another seat as he couldn't stand the pressure any longer. I still clearly remember the teachers howling with laughter. Even to my young mind, I thought this was a bit over the score. Doubt they'd get away with that now. I think they may even have rewound the tip. That's outrageous. They scarred that boy.

They have scarred him. I've not seen the video for years, but would love to see it again. Obviously, I just fast forward to the fishy bit. Sorry I've rambled on for so long. I've also got a romantic story that's not very romantic and involves bodily functions, if you're interested in that.

Cheers, guys. Stuart Patterson, Aberdeen. I think we'll leave that last offer. We'll see. Yeah. See what we've got on. This is not medical advice. Right.

But Pete, I'm going to ask you, it's either one thing or the other that holding in your wee for a bit strengthens your bladder muscles and makes you less likely to be inconstant in old age apparently so

is it that or is it that you shouldn't ever hold in because it weakens the muscles I can never remember I think bum bum weakens wee wee

you can keep it in because I'm always very proud of the fact that I occasionally go to bed with a full bladder and I never wet the bed yeah ladies and that is the minimum and that is on my tinder profile that is the minimum we all expect bed with a full bladder and I never wet the bed. Ladies!

And that is on my Tinder profile. That is the minimum we all expect. Do not piss myself. No. Is it the minimum people expect that? It is really, isn't it? Yeah, it really does. I've got another email here. I've not read it in advance, I'm just going to bash it out.

Bash it out, mate. It's from Alex Leonard. He says, Hi lads, I've been waiting for here. Give us an email. I've not read it in advance. I'm just going to bash it out. Bash it out, mate. It's from Alex Leonard. He says, Hi, lads. I've been waiting for the moment that I felt compelled to immediately write an email to you following something discussed on the show.

Who could have known it would be Bill Oddie's inclusion on a future National Treasures list that would do it for me? I just wanted to play devil's advocate and raise a dispute as to why Bill Oddie should not be included on your list.

Now, we didn't say he was going to be on the list. We just debated the merits of him. I seem to remember I wasn't keen. You were. Picture the scene.

It's May 2008. He hangs out in bushes for crying out loud. True. And the innocent 12-year-old me is watching Springwatch with my family one evening before the watershed,

which back then was a staple in the Leonard family household. Then while narrating about the mating of some stag beetles, beetles, beetles, beetles, the usually restrained Oddy sees an opportunity and grasps it.

And the following is now taken from a Telegraph article I googled to ensure this actually happened and I hadn't dreamed it at some point. And this is bit odd now. A male stag beetle was described as a horny boy. A female sparrow was described as asking for it and getting it, basically. A female stag beetle was described as a horny boy. A female sparrow was described as asking for it and getting it, basically. A female stag beetle was impersonated in a squeaky voice, pleading, oh, come on, big boy, come and get it. Oh, be gentle with me.

And then, in a profoundly sinister male voice, Mr. Ozzy narrated that, rather surprisingly, he is being gentle with the female stag beetle. Now, being 12, I was just about beginning to deal with awkward moments, such as encountering the odd sex scene on TV with your parents in the room, but this was much worse. Oddie's voice saying,

come on, big boy, became forever ingrained in my mind. I daren't turn around, look at my parents, or indeed even breathe during this moment. It was excruciating. And thus, Beetlegate and the childhood trauma it caused me

is why Bill Oddie should not be a future national treasure. Cheers, lads. Hope you enjoyed this recollection of my childhood pain, Alex Leonard. Now,

it's not really Bill Oddie's fault, that, is it? Um, it massively is. If he's on television going, come on, big boy, let's do this or whatever. Like, I mean,

it's just a stag beetle, isn't it? Do you know what? I don't think I've mentioned this before I may have told you this before hang on what's the animal that you could say come on big boy and talk like

do impressions of like women asking for it effectively what is the animal that you couldn't get away with stag beetle's okay apparently in your book

yeah well anything any insect's okay camel's got pretty eyelashes what camel's got pretty eyelashes

yeah I know you're getting at there. I'm just saying that you're wrong. On a similar sort of vein in terms of embarrassment stuff, I remember when I was young, I can't remember how old, but younger than I should have been watching it, I guess. I asked my parents to record the film Top Gun off the TV. Yeah.

Because it was on after I was going to bed and they said yeah they will so they recorded it on VHS for me and they let me have it and I watched it and all that kind of stuff

they let you have it go on big boy let them have it it's not nice is it I'm talking about my parents imagine if your dad and mum were Beatles okay

just imagine yeah okay sat on the sofa fair enough good anyway I was watching Top Gun loads of times it was one of my favourite films when I was a kid.

I'll ride your tail. And when I was older, like quite a bit older, like a proper adult, someone in passing mentioned the sex scene between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in the film. Right.

And I was like, what? And they were like, yeah, yeah. And basically, to cut a long story short, yeah, my parents had basically paused it when that happened and then pressed record again when it stopped. So I never knew it was in there.

My dad did that with poltergeist. Right. So I missed all the poltergeisty bits. What's the point of that? What's the poltergeist of that? Pete, dad, dad,

that film didn't, didn't make any sense. Go and get yourself another frozen sausage, son. And that's not a euphemism. Let's get more brain worms in there. My dad, a little bit of news from Stewie Donaldson Town. Oh, good.

I bought my dad an infrared camera to catch wildlife in the garden because I got a hedgehog. He finally caught the hedgehog on camera. Good. Can we see it? Get it on social. Well, the problem is it records it on in an avi format

who records anything in avi anymore I don't even know what that extension is bar off bar off cordek dickheads yeah

it's clear it's very old technology Stuart Donaldson that man needs his own jingle well if he did he couldn't play it out he didn't click

the ipad button never mind you'll get it for him at some point I'm sure alright Pete that's probably just about as much time as we've got now. It's about all I can handle.

Yeah. Yeah, let's get out of here. You are too hot to handle. Pete, don't email about politics. Other than that, anything, hello at lukeandpeatshow.com. Pete and I will read them and we'll read out our favourites on the show. Get in touch. We'll be back on Monday with our next Luke and Pete,

and we will see you soon. Don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes and tell all your pals about us because we really appreciate it. It helps our show, basically. It does. Everything is inherently political. The censorship your mother and father did

on that film was reprehensible. True. It's disgraceful. Goodbye. Outro Music