The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 85: Never eaten a crisp

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Rejoice at the return of your favourite podcast featuring two men that know nothing about anything talking for half an hour. Pete's been to the seaside, and this time he managed to avoid getting sunburnt! He celebrates by talking for a bit about pants.We then move on to the well-trodden subjects of haircuts, how much one should pay, and finish off with a good dose of British awkwardness, something both Luke and Pete know very well. There's time before we go to hear two incredible stories too - one about a man who is phobic of crisps, and another whose 'porn shed' burnt down in a 'horny inferno'. We apologise in advance.To tell us a tall tale: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's the look at pete shaw pete donaldson with you i'm joined by luke moore hello you're right i'm right i'm blooming hot um spent the most of the um weekend just gone asking my parents and grandparent if um this summer is as hot as the famous summer of 1976. Ah, was that particularly hot? I thought 1990 was quite hot as well. 76 is famous. Really? Minister for Drought and all sorts.

Did people melt? Yeah, it was bad. What, they appointed a minister just for drought? Yeah. I mean, that's a time-limited job, isn't it, really? It rained a week after that, apparently, as well. Did it? Brilliant. Yeah, so apparently it's up there, but I don't know, it's a long time ago, so who knows. But anyway, apart from that, Pete, I am bloody well. Did it? Brilliant. Yeah. So apparently it's up there but I don't know. I mean it's a long time ago

so who knows. But anyway apart from that Pete I am bloody well. I hope you are too and to everyone listening you are very welcome to the Luke and Pete show. What do you reckon

am I tan Luke? I'm quite tanned at the moment. You've done the textbook wearing a white t-shirt to make it look better. To accentuate yeah. So you've got a bit of Danny Zuko going on.

Yeah you look like you've been down you were down my ends weren't you? I was down your ends I went to Leon's Soarland. there was a charming little shop on the beach uh that sold really bad sandwiches and there was also a little arcade connected to it and i thought this reminds me of being a child the amusements i used to go there all the time when i was younger

yeah i mean they've kind of been co-opted by, well, the space has been taken over by the cafe because arcade machines, after they get over a certain age, they start to get quite hard to fix. Oh, is that right? There's no parts? No. And also, things like big Outrun cabinets. Remember Outrun?

Yeah, of course. Big Outrun cabinets. They've got hydraulics involved and stuff and they just die immediately. And that's the end of that. That's the end of that. So Miracle is still working. How did you find getting on down there,

because it's a shingle beach, not a sander beach? Yeah, it was quite hard on the old leg leg, on the feet feet. Was the water clement? The water was quite pleasant, yeah. I jumped in, played a bit of water polo with my friends.

It was a bit, it was less Top Gun. Yeah. But the, you know. What was it, more what? It was sexier. Less Top Gun, more Naked Gun. It was sexier Gun. Yeah. But the, you know... What was it, more what? It was sexier. Less Top Gun, more Naked Gun. It was sexier.

Sexier. I did tear my pants off at one point to amuse everyone. You shouldn't be doing that in my local town. What do you mean? There was no... Well, there were some kids around, but they didn't see my winky, did they? People have heard the rumours.

They don't need them confirmed. I could have pretended it was a whelp. No blue flag at that beach. What does that mean? It means there's no blue flag at that beach. What's the blue flag? No nudity? No, for clean water means there's no blue flag at that beach. What's a blue flag? No nudity? No, for clean water.

Nudity. It's for clean water. Oh, blue flags are okay for swimming? Yeah. Should I have been swimming then in it? Oh, you can. I mean, I think it's still your decision whether you want to swim or not,

but I think people generally look for the blue flag. Mind you, we're leaving the EU, so there'll be no blue flag system anyway. People are going to laugh like waterborne disease left, right and centre. People are going to be coming down with Legion like waterborne disease left, right and centre. People are going to be coming down with Legionnaire's disease.

L, R and C. I imagine when you walked into the sea the sea received a lot from you that it didn't want. There was a couple of public urinations

by my friends and I was very disappointed. That is disappointing but that's sort of a rite of passage at the beach, isn't it? Seems disrespectful for the other people

who were swimming and the fish. And it had that horrible situation where you put your foot down on the floor and instead of expecting a rock

or some sand, it's got like seaweed, wet seaweed. It's not nice, is it? I don't like it. You know,

when I was in Iceland, I went to the Blue Lagoon. Blue Lagoon? And they dish out these mud face pack things.

Yes. And, but obviously eventually that all gets washed off and it all sinks to the bottom. So when you're walking around, it's really slimy. Quite disconcerting. I mean, that's not from it slipping off people's faces. It's just muddy.

It's just muddy down there, isn't it? I suppose so. I think it was part to do with that as well because I put my hand down there and grabbed it and it clearly was that stuff. I lost my... Well, isn't that where it comes from? The healing mud? The sulfur mud? Yeah, it's part of part of it i think it is definitely part of the swindle but um anyway welcome to the luke and pete show recently we have

been talking about things like uh tom jones impressions oh oh oh oh talking about elvis as well who was very much the American Tom Jones. He was indeed. He was indeed, yeah. Talk a bit about depressingly selling spider monkeys door to door. Not us, people in the 70s. Jim Jones. Yeah, including Jim Jones.

Bad job interviews. And I think we'll have more on that in the coming weeks, I would have thought. Jurassic Park, you're never more than 10 minutes away from Jurassic Park on any radio show, let's be fair. It's a cultural phenomenon. And we'll have lots more to talk about besides this time around if you want to get in touch with the show hello at luke and pete show.com we'd love to hear from you

before we get into um the other stuff you've been up to and perhaps some stories from our listeners pete i've got a little bit of housekeeping right um alex from south london points out that it's impossible to find a weird name to call a baby girl he points out that all the weird names so we talked about um the idea of calling certain names you wouldn't call children when they were born in 2018 yeah things like clive and dennis and whatever whatever but alex very accurately points out they're all boys Give me a girl's name, you wouldn't call a girl. It's very, very difficult. Ethel.

But I think that would be fashionable and trendy now, wouldn't it? It's impossible with girls. Well, because men are, by their very nature, as they grow older, ridiculous and stupid and kind of like, I think maybe our inbuilt sexism has kind of dictated that we instill a certain kind of level of gravity to men where it doesn't necessarily translate to women, and that is disgusting.

So we sort of look at a baby and go, you can't call a baby Keith. A Keith is a grown man's name who's an accountant. Yeah. But with women, with girls, you don't do that because we are inbuilt misogynists. Why do you hate men? I just hate everyone equally. Because you know because i am the archetypal male and i'm disgusting you can love woman uh love woman

i can love woman you can you can love woman but you can never love animal as shaggy once said you can love women but it doesn't mean you have to hate men uh gavin gavin gavin sent us a video of someone throwing uh sodium into a lake oh and it was way more spectacular than i thought it would be now we heard stories for those of you just give you a quick quick catch up someone emailed in saying on the last day of their school year they dropped some sodium into a toilet and carnage ensued and then someone else followed up i think it was my friend ben followed up with an email saying that his father was a lab assistant in the 80s and threw a load of skegness pier well gavin uh listener called gavin sent us a video of someone throwing

sodium into a lake and um it was like it's firework loud i mean it's not... So I don't know how you feel about it, Pete, but for me it was... I was expecting it to be... It would go into the lake, take a few seconds, there'd be a lot of bubbling under, a lot of sort of fizzing and stuff. But this, as soon as it touched the surface of the lake, bang, bang!

Just went for it. And it flew up and near again, bang! As soon as it touched, it was almost like a bouncing bomb. Wow. Incredible. So thank you for that near again. Bang! As soon as it touched, it was almost like a bouncing bomb. Wow. Incredible. So thank you for that, Gavin.

Sodium is serious a business. I'm watching one now on this computer. One! There's one. Right? Oh! It bounces out of the lake and then goes back in again.

Bang, bang, bang! Thanks for that, Gavin. Amazing scenes. So sodium is serious business. That's got. Bang, bang, bang. Thanks for that, Gavin. Amazing scenes. The sodium is serious business. That's got to destroy some wildlife, hasn't it? And, yeah. Like dynamite fishing. Yeah, no.

I don't know. I mean, don't try that at home. Don't try that at home. Where do you buy sodium from? Maplin. You can't go to Maplin anymore. Isn't it just salt? Isn't it just salt?

Sodium hydroxide. Get a salt cellar. Sorry, sodium... Chloride is salt. N-A. Sodium... Chloride. Sodium chloride.

Yeah. Yeah. Sodium hydroxide is the stuff they put on licorice. Is it? It gives it that beautiful kind of ammonia taste. Is it beautiful? Beautiful. I bit into a chocolate bar in Iceland once. Loaded licorice in the middle, didn't like it.

Love it. Surprise licorice. Found out the Icelandic word for licorice is lachis. Lachis. Lachis. Lachis. Looking at the packet. Yeah, so there we go.

What else has been going on, pal? My barber gave me a cold. Yeah, okay. He also gave you a bit of a haircut and a half as well. He gave me, he sort of complained that my hairspray

was too strong that he said, you're going to lose loads of hair when you comb it. I was like, well, usually I'll wash it before I comb it, mate, which is something you've not done

because you're lazy. Right. Did he not wash it before he cut it? He didn't wash it before he cut it. Where'd you go? He thinks he can get rid of it. I was like, well, usually I wash it before I comb it, mate, which is something you've not done because you're lazy. Right. Did he not wash it before he cut it? He didn't wash it before he cut it. Where'd you go? He thinks he can get rid of it. Name and shame. Ted Baker.

It's like one of those, but it's like a kind of a manly barber, a manly barber's where they sort of go, this is a men's haircut place for men. Yeah, have a beer. Yeah, have a beer. I don't want one. Have one. Read a copy of GQ. Yeah.

Pricks. And have a beer, or literally't want one. Read a copy of GQ. Yeah. Pricks. And have a beer, or literally you will not be able to have your hair cut. He didn't even wash it before. He didn't wash it before, but then they do all the hot towels, and they pull on your fingers. They give you a little sort of massage thing.

They pull on your fingers and hit your arms. They're not doing the basics. They're not doing the basics, and they even do the set fire to a bit of gauze soaked in petrol or whatever that they smash in your ears to burn do the basics. And they even do the set fire to a bit of gauze soaked in petrol or whatever that they smash in

your ears to burn off the hair. And also the cutthroat raisin business. They go too quick with

those. You could just, you could sever an artery. I'm not interested in that.

No. When was the last time you had a wet shave? Oh, years. Probably, literally probably

seven or eight years ago. I watched an. Probably, literally, probably seven or eight years ago. I watched an old video of you, Vintage Mua, on our old football ramble channel, where you were, we were doing that Rio Ferdinand street stalker enthusiast thing. Where we pretended to be youths. And your beard was so big.

Yeah. So very big. So unkempt. I was threatening to grow it back for the winter because I'm hating the summer so much because I'm more of a winter person I was thinking about growing my hair long and my beard out again

but I decided I might do I've only bought my winter coat it was on the sale in Topman apparently an older man buying Topman clobber is not the done thing according to some youths

some youngsters somebody was having a right pop because I had top man pants on. I was like, who cares? They're pants for crying out loud. Yeah, the pants is a bit different. For me, pants, you've just got to get ones that fit you nicely. I favour a next pants. I bought on Amazon some pants that were just generic.

I just wanted 20 pairs of pants, just loads of pants, just to re-up my pants draw, so I could throw some away that was rather holey and broken. And they were the brand Location. It just said Location on the rib. The rib? On the rib. When you call it the waistband?

On the belt. But the problem is I didn't realise that that word Location was repeated several times around the belt slash rib. So it basically said Loc location, location, location. On my front. Got this from a junket. Freebie junket. Free pants.

Kirstie and Phil gave it to me. You know, remember a while ago when you had that problem where you couldn't get broadband in your house? Yeah. So you had to pay £250. The BBP. To get a business line.

Yes. And lots of, not lots, but a few listeners kicked off saying that you're out of touch with the common man spending that much money on broadband, which I agree with,

by the way. But what does that even, it doesn't make any sense. What, I'm just sort of, just sort of got to go, well, I can't do my work because of the limitations of where I live.

I think people think of you as some sort of proto-dandy swanning around Soho just chucking money everywhere. It's not decadent for 15 megabit broadband. In the spirit of that, how much did you spend on your haircut which by the way as a man who looks a bit like no tear the twitter nazi richard spencer anyway it's a brave haircut you've

gone for how much did you pay for it what was the damage 30 pounds okay five pound tip you do a tip do you do a tip that big yeah yeah you are a bit of a tipper. You're somebody who likes to do it. £30 for a haircut? It's not bad nowadays. It's not terrible. It's not terrible. You can always go and get an £8 one at Mr. Topper or whatever.

You're kidding. To be honest, I've done that in the past and they're not that bad. Undercuts are pretty standard nowadays. I just got to get away from the undercut. I need curtains to come back. That's what I want. That's what I want. I just want curtains to come back. That's what I want. That's what I want. I just want curtains to come back.

That's the thing. And if you walked into a bar, say you needed a haircut, you were new to an area and you needed a haircut, and so you called... New in town. Yeah, I'm new in town.

I need a haircut. That's what you said on the phone when you found someone on Google or whatever. You go in there, you physically walk into the barber or the salon or whatever, and you see that it's a price you go in there, you physically walk into the barber, or the salon or whatever, and you see that it's a price that makes you balk,

that makes you walk out. You balk. Yeah. I'm balking. I'm Peter Balking. What's your threshold? What do you mean, like a barber? Where you'll physically walk out again.

I went to one in... Because you're quite an awkward guy, so you'd probably just go through with it, wouldn't you? Oh, massively. I went to a Lass's barber. Lass's barber? What's a Lass's barber? Hairdressers.

Hairdressers. Went to a hairdresser's. A Lass's barber. And I got my haircut, just a standard rubbish haircut, and that was like 45 quid. It was ridiculous. Yeah.

And they didn't do anything special. No. Dreadful. Was it better than that one? No, not really. No, I don't mind this haircut, to be honest. He went quite short, but sod it. I'm off on my old soon, so it'll see me through.

What price did you... Well, it'll always grow back. What price would you go, right, I'm not having this, I'm going? No, I wouldn't go. I'd always stay. Whether it was 300 quid, I'd still stay, wouldn't I? Because I'm an idiot.

That taps into the core of what British life I because I'm an idiot that taps into the core of what British life is I'm more British than I think you'd give me credit for I'd be awkward

so 250 pounds if somebody said 250 pounds I'd be like oh for fuck's sake and then in my head I'd go right well I did

save money by you know selling a game boy on ebay oh that's what I did the gymnastics you're going well you know I didn't eat a pret yesterday only by selling a Game Boy on eBay. Oh, that's what I did. The gymnastics you do. The gymnastics, I'm going,

well, you know, I didn't eat a pret yesterday. The bag of rice I had in the cupboard and stuff like that. That's a good theme for people that email in about that. Hello at LukeandPeach.com. Tell us how much you have spent

to avoid an awkward situation. Oh yeah, hugely. Because we've all done that. I remember once as a kid, I must have been, how old would I have been? I probably would have been 18, so that's even more embarrassing.

I went into Burton menswear. Remember that store? Yeah. You still get it, right? I still get it, yeah. I think that allied with New Look,

one of the high street female brands. I bought something off ASOS for a fancy dress party fairly recently, and I was surprised that when it turned up it was Burton branded. Right. Anyway, I went into Burton, bought something.

This is in the 90s. But I probably was 18, which makes it even more embarrassing. Bucket hat? No, it was something innocuous, like a pair of jeans or something like that. And they sold me, very craftily, one of those store cards. Right. With astonishing rates of interest on them.

They're really bad news. Pre-credit crunch stuff. And I got home and mum found out and she marched me down there. And said, you shouldn't have sold this to my son.

He is a fool. He knows not what he does. It's embarrassing, right? My friend's brother worked there as well. It's even more embarrassing. I got it cancelled because,

seven day calling off period, mate. Nice. What are you worried about? It's fine. But it was a bullet dodged. So awkward stuff like that. That's sort of a similar theme, isn't it, going into it, being upsold a store card and your mum stopping you? I'm fairly certain either me or my friend,

I couldn't get credit on this guitar I wanted in Leicester, and I'm fairly certain my friend went into hock for me. And I gave him the money, I think. But I'm fairly certain he didn't pay off that debt at all. I think he had a lot of store credit cards and all that nonsense, and I think he just declared himself bankrupt and didn't pay for any of them. So, technically...

There's a statute of limitations anyway, I think. We've ripped off a 250 quid Dan Electro. Yeah, and that... Which you shouldn't buy first Dan anyway because the man who owns Dan Electro now is a disgusting homophobe. Should only ever buy them second hand. I think I might have mentioned that before on this show.

That music shop's probably gone out of business now. Well, as they should. What, music shop? Yeah, local businesses. Get them out of business. If you're a local shop that's gone out of business, email in. No, we don't mean that.

Don't mean that. Shall we move towards the portion of the show that people actually listen for, I think? Yes. Which is the email section. I've got a beautiful one coming up about a man who's never eaten a crisp. Cut my life into pieces. You like that? It's probably what he'll say after he eats his first crisp

yeah I like that it's good bit of paparoch bit of paparoch still find them was that 90s or 2000s I think it might be very late 90s

nah nah let's go with 2000 let's go with the 2000 guys yeah okay that was of course suffocation

it was that when I lost my mother. No love for myself. Something, something other. Is that what he says in it? Yeah. That's very literal, isn't it? It's very literal, isn't it? I did promise a man who has never eaten a crisp.

What do you think about it? A man who's never eaten a crisp? Well, listen, he's called Andy. I need to know all the reasons for this. Well, I'm going to read you the email. He says, Gents, having heard you guys speak about crisps and just an everyday chat favourite crisps

always being a popular conversation topic, I think it's time to let you know I am 31 and I have never eaten a crisp in my life. That doesn't make any sense. I don't know how that happened. For some reason, it was just one of those things that when I was a toddler, I decided I never liked having never tasted.

This progressed into my youth and it soon became me being stubborn and now it's almost like a phobia. Really? By thinking now, apart from the fact that I'm probably scared, is that I eat enough shite like chocolate and biscuits I can probably do without crisps. Biscuits are kind of like crisps. I'm including nachos as well. Nearest thing is eating one of those sweet potato biscuit things. What's a sweet potato biscuit thing? Sweet potato biscuit.

Don't know. No, not a clue. Utter nonsense, he says, but something I'm ridiculed for constantly. Anyway, all the best, Andy. Andy, if you're in London, come in and we will let you eat a crisp live on this show. I don't think the problem is that nobody will let him eat a crisp. No, but I think he should get over his phobia. People get a load of credit on TV for getting people over phobias.

Come in, eat a crisp. I'm not force-feeding a man crisps. It's up to him. It's his own decision. Does he like savoury things or is he a sweet-eater? He mentions, he name-drops chocolate and biscuits. I mean, biscuit, it's very close, isn't it? It's got the crunch, it's got the salt.

I don't know, man. I suppose something like phobias are, by their very definition, sort of, I guess, irrational or psychological or whatever. But it is just a sliced potato, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, Andy unhelpfully doesn't mention whether he likes chips or a baked potato or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

Could you prepare like a sliding scale of sliced potato approaching crisps? Just a slice of potato, seasoned with salt maybe. Eat that and then just get closer and closer to crisps. Potato wedges. Is that how you would do it? That's how I would do it. I mean, what would you start him on? Don't say kettle chips because they're disgusting.

So my problems with kettle chips are that too hard too brittle do you know what there wasn't there came a time about um would have been probably between 10 and 15 years ago now um hang on two secs yeah about 10 or 15 years ago now and um where it was almost like companies just started repackaging crisps, making them with slightly better ingredients, and then saying, middle class people can eat crisps too. Yeah.

Whereas I was always like, crisps are a staple part of my upbringing, thank you very much. Crisps. If I want to go for a pint and have a packet of crisps, I will. I'll eat a packet of crisps with my packed lunch as a kid. I mean, why is it all of a sudden

it has to be repackaged so people can think it's acceptable to eat them I find middle class people generally have more abhorrent they have generally more stocked larders so they've got more there's more likelihood in them

having loads of crisps in reserve in my house crisps hung around for a day and they were gone gone six packs in a row I'd eat yeah six packs

if your mum went to the weekly shop and bought a six multi-pack, if my sister nipped in there, my dad got a couple of packs, and they were gone a couple of days later, good luck finding some crisps for the next six days. It's like eating them like food, isn't it? Every Friday we'd got a quick save.

The place where I first heard an old lady say under a breath the C word, and I'll never forget that. Quick Save was like a Presto or an Aldi, but back in the day, I don't know whether I remember Quick Save, but it wasn't... Can you still find it? No, I think it died a death.

But anyway, we would buy a... Every week we'd buy... It's a cloudy lemonade. Do you remember cloudy lemonade coming in? Yeah, I do, yeah. Because lemonade went from clear lemonade to cloudy lemonade, and it was more delicious and sweeter and just more delicious. And that was a big deal in the early 90s.

Bottle of cloudy lemonade. Some discos, do you remember discos? Yeah, very strong, pungent flavour. Yeah, very strong. Salt and vinegar ones were incredible. Salt and vinegar discos, a 10-pack of them, and a booty bag, which you probably don't remember, which contained refreshers and drumsticks.

I do remember a booty bag, yeah. And you used to get a little sticker with the Matlows mascot, which was like, I think he was like a mummy or something. He was a weird little fella. Yeah, I remember that as well. Are you still doing that Edinburgh comedy show about nostalgia? I'd bloody love to hear that. Do you have a Push Pops?

Don't push me, push a Push Pop. Don't push me, push a Push Pop. Andy, listen, we can be your support group. If you want to come in and eat at Crisp, you're welcome to do so. Have a Crisp, mate. We can maybe even get a selection of Crisps available, and you can take your pick. I'll just leave the Crisp chat on this sort of rather pointed opinion.

When you go around someone's house for a dinner party, I mean, you don't really do dinner parties, do you go around someone's house for like a dinner party, I mean, you don't really do dinner parties, do you? No. But obviously, as a married man, I get invited to dinner parties sometimes. Only once. And they'll put out crisps before the dinner's ready. Yeah.

So you have a drink or whatever. No, I'd love it if someone just popped out into a bowl, packet of prawn cocktail walkers. But it never happens. No. It's always kettle chips, Tyrell's, all that kind of stuff. I. But it never happens. It's always kettle chips, tyrols,

all that kind of stuff. I like all that stuff, but it's almost... No, they're too brittle and... They are strong enough. They're too greasy. They're too... Ugh. Give me a packet of Space Invaders

any day of the week. Skips. Do you want to do an email, Peter? I'll do a bloody email. I've just sent you, by the way, on WhatsApp, live while we're recording, a great video that I want you

to play out in a minute as well. Oh, okay. So get cracking with that. But do an email first, mate. All right, then. Hello to John. Hello, John. Hi, John.

This email concerns a work pal of John's who shall remain anonymous. So it was John. It was John. In the days prior to the gluttony of the internet, my friend had built the kind of Pornography Connect collection only rivaled by Hugh Hefner. One of the issues with such an expansive collection

was the amount of space it took up, making it tricky to conceal. The issue reached a head when his girlfriend's parents came to stay and unsurprisingly found the collection hidden under the spare bed. To save similar embarrassment in future... So hang on a minute.

He hides it under the spare bed and presumably his in-laws are staying in the spare room. Yeah. I know what I'll do. That astonishingly embarrassing thing that's in the house, I'll put it in the room they're staying in. Hide it in plain sight, mate. Get in the attic.

Get it in the attic. We had in a house a long time ago, we had floorboards in a cupboard that could be lifted. Just saying. Say no more. Just say no more. To save some embarrassment in future, my pal was ordered to keep his stash in a garden shed.

He duly obliged buying and building his own porn shed. Very understanding girlfriend, isn't it? Yeah, don't call it that. Fast forward a year or two, it's 2am, and my friend is awoken by a knock at the door and the sound of sirens in the distance. Opening the door, my friend is met by a concerned-looking neighbour. Sorry, mate, but your shed's on fire.

Rushing to the back garden, my friend realises his shed is indeed ablaze. Stood there helpless, he looked on and his pride and joy went up in smoke. As the fireman stepped in to put out the horny inferno, my friend looked on glumly to the end before returning to bed a broken man.

Skip to the morning and my buddy steps out to review the damage he had taken, but one step out of the door when he realised his first, or he saw, rather, his first charred genital. He looked up, and to his horror, realised the singed remains of his collection spread across his garden and that of his neighbours. He ran upstairs to look out the back window to find that both his neighbours and their neighbours now had a carpet of half-burnt smut covering their lawns.

In the middle of this mess sat what looked like a smouldering vagina and penis volcano, absolutely not denying the source of the source of the X-rated shower. Instantly move house. Incredible. You've got to instantly move house. Put the first house on up there and then. It takes a certain kind of man who continues to live in this house

following an event such as this, and it really is a testament to the strength of his character. Closure finally came some years later when my friend sat on a train and overheard two excited teenagers discussing the events of the great porn fire of 03 and indeed debating whether it was true or an urban myth. Infamy at last. Keep up the good, great work.

I always enjoy the shows. Hopefully the above really pays some of the debt owed to you. Shoo your hot chaps yeah that's how we like to be paid in stories about men having porn sheds that burn down

porn canals yeah incredible we should do a really popular podcast about that my shed burnt my porn out my shed we got an email

the good thing is that's actually true so it'll be different we had a text to the radio station saying that he was this guy i'm saying if you're doing any diy get in touch standard radio stuff he's like yeah i'm i was going to paint the house but uh yeah we've got a paddle we've got a jacuzzi and i was sat in there

with my wife and now my wife's friends come around it's the best afternoon ever i was like and his name was dan his name was dan so i commented my dan wrote a porno so there you go there you go there you go it There you go. There you go. It's ripe for parody. Ripe for parody. Another little insight into our actually quite depressing lives is that you often will screenshot texts you get into your radio show and send them to me.

Yes, I will. And one you sent the other day, it was on the 17th of July, so a little while ago now someone text into your show while you were talking on the radio saying shut up i will absolutely twat you you daft little spank yeah spank i've never that's a new one i've never heard that that really tickled you that i mean have you ever heard it before it must be scottish it must be a scottish insult yeah i was thinking, yeah, it's got to be, hasn't it? That link that you sent me, that somebody sent me,

do you want to hear it? Yeah, well, basically, Michael Williams sent us an email. Thanks, MW. Mdubs sent us an email saying, this Australian man was arrested once, and he sounds like he speaks from, he sounds like he's a time traveler speaking from the past. It's quite a famous link. Oh, is it? I've never seen it before.

But it's just wonderful. Yeah, I mean, I've named it Australian Man Arrested Deals With It Well. Yeah, he's got such a great... He looks like Oliver Reed. He does look like Oliver Reed. Anyway, he's being carted out of some building into a police car.

You just assured me that I could speak. Sit down inside the car. That's so speak. Sit down inside the car. Sit down inside the car. Under what? Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest. Have a look at the headlock here. See that chap over there? Get your hand off my penis!

This is the bloke who got me on the penis before. Have a look at the headlock there. Why did you do this to me? Hop in the car. For what reason? What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir.

Oh, ah, yes. I see that you know your judo well. Good one. And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? Now, get your hands on it.

Ta-da! Farewell. He doesn't want... Do you know what he wants? He doesn't want to be arrested. He doesn't want a trial. He wants a trial by combat, that guy. He wants a duel, doesn't he?

I like the fact that he's just so polite. And he's clearly pissed, but he's still got enunciation, which I think is beautiful. There's a... Nice headlock, sir! Better enunciation, both of us. I know. He's got...

Are you ready to receive my succulent penis? Is it succulent penis? It's limp penis. Where's succulent penis come from? He said succulent penis? It's limp penis. Where's succulent penis He said succulent Chinese meal. Yeah, that was good. Enjoying a meal.

A succulent Chinese meal. He's got more of the touch, he's got more than a touch of the Oliver Reed on Michael Aspel. No, he's got more of the, remember the Sergeant Major

used to do the whisper advert? Well, hello, I'm, remember he used to do whisper adverts? No, I don't remember that. He was like a, hello,

I talk like this and I do the whisper advert. I don't remember it, mate. Sergeant Major, I'm typing in's a whisper advert I don't remember that he was like a hello I talk like this and I do the whisper advert I don't remember him mate Sergeant Major I'm typing in Whisper Sergeant Major let's hear it if we can but I very much

enjoyed that video I had no idea Windsor Davies Windsor Davies now that name rings a bell yeah I had no idea that video was famous

Whisper Gold and guess what's new about it milk chocolate it's always had the Cadbury's milk chocolate, now it's got something else. Oh. You sound a bit like an old Marcus Speller.

Beautiful voice. Sounds a bit like Marcus Speller's dad. Do you reckon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam, our guy who does our video stuff for Luke and Pete in the Football Ramble. Instagram Sam. Instagram Sam.

He drew us, rather his mother drew some wonderful line drawings of us, wonderful pencil drawings of us. Why are you sharing that? Because Marcus Speller looked a little bit like he was a bit older than he is and possibly a drinker, which I quite enjoyed. Marcus has got a little bit about him where some of the photos are taken of him. He looks like he's the kind of guy you'd sort of avoid walking down a high street. If you catch his eye a bit too long,

you're in trouble, big boy. You're in big trouble. Yeah, like that Alan Partridge, I can't remember which episode it is or what particular vehicle it is, but Alan Partridge talking about a Scottish man trying to stop him getting back to his hotel. Where you going?

Where you going? That sort of thing. That's what Marcus has got a bit about him. Marcus is the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral. It's been... There we go. Oh, actually, I've got an update on that as well. What?

So we had an astonishing response. I keep saying astonishing. We had a fantastic response to you trying to break the unofficial It's Been world record. Go back and listen to it if you haven't heard it. It's episode 82, 82, something like that, 83 maybe. And you tried to do as many it spins as you could in a minute. And someone emailed in saying,

I listened to it back and you actually managed to execute 96 it spins in a minute. Well above the target of 50, of course. But Pete M then followed up with an email, thank you to you, Pete, and said, after slowing it down to 0.1% speed... That's too slow. He said it sounded unspeakable. Yeah.

And discounting those not of requisite quality, which I like, attention to detail, his final count was 104 it spins. Oh. So... Just keeps on getting better and better, innit? Congratulations to you, Pete. The Peaks are sticking together there.

If anyone can beat that, then email in and we will probably listen to it but not play it on the show. Thank you, Pete. There we go. Maybe I'll have another crack

next season of Luke and Pete's show. I know I should have another crack at that one. You should. Should we wrap up and get out of here? Let's get out of here, Luke.

We've got things to do, mate. We haven't got anything to do, have we? No, we haven't got anything to do. By the way, you know you said you're looking a bit tan now. Stop it.

I caught the sun at the weekend. Did the sun win? I caught the sun and the sun won. Catch the sun. Oh, is that Dubs? Dubs, yeah.

Is that guy... No, I think so. That's good. I mean, I sounded really unhappy, but I'm glad he's okay very very briefly went for a run

down south got back took my t-shirt off because I was hot sat in the garden half an hour big mistake oh no

sun's stronger down there than it is up here and also the wind the wind doesn't help no it doesn't so there we go but I'll be okay don't worry guys

I'll make it through I'll be back for episode 80 whatever it is don't worry you'll hear from me you will hear from me again in next, guys. I'll make it through. I'll be back for episode 80, whatever it is. Don't worry. You'll hear from me. You will hear from me again. In next week's show, I've got an email

that I've written the word petrol underneath. I've no idea why I've done that, so I'm going to enjoy it. Stay tuned to find out. So stay tuned to find out if I remember why I've written the word petrol.

We'll see you next week. If you want to get in touch with the Lunkin Pete Show, it's hellotlunkinpeteshow.com. We'll see you next week. It's not next week, is it? By which I mean Thursday. You always do that.

It's becoming a catchphrase. Oh yeah. Seepitchshow.com we'll see you next week it's not next week by which I mean Thursday you always do that it's becoming a catchphrase see you next week