The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 88: Why are we even friends?

Episode Date: August 9, 2018

Howdy everyone! We're back in our respective saddles and looking to artfully waste another half an hour of everyones' time with some more pith and nonsense. Huzzah!Pete's been to Korea and so joyfully regales us with tales of his travels, including of course the eating of octopus. A textbook Korean pursuit if ever there was one.Elsewhere, there's plenty of your emails including job interview chat, a laugh spared for Alex Jones' latest woes, and Pete wonders whatever happened to that most stalwart of 80s sights - the bullworker.To contact us: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Welcome to the Luke and Pete Shaw! I'm the Pete bit and Luke is with me. I'm the Luke bit. The Luke shaped bit. Luke, I'm planning on doing a true crime special pretty soon when I can be asked to sort of write down exactly what I'm talking about. OK. So watch out for that. OK.

In 10 months time. Yeah. I've been reading a book about a true crime story that I cannot believe has not been featured on a true crime podcast. So I am going gonna be breaking barriers and breaking hearts yeah and breaking bones and breaking bad no um i bought a hat on holiday i've seen it yeah yeah i bought a hat on holiday uh as a joke uh basically it's like a um like an elongated um imagine a panama hat that that the lead singer of the Neptunes, I realise he's better known as Pharrell Williams,

would wear, like a long hat. But it's got like a skull shape kind of imprinted in it. And I thought, that's a cool hat. I've never seen a hat like that before. How much was it? $25. 25 quid. Not too bad for you.

It wasn't too bad for my excesses. But the problem was um i was on carry-on i just took carry-on everywhere when i was on holiday i was away for about a week and a half and i thought you know what sod it i'm not gonna put my things in i'm on 10 different flights let's just do carry-on um and unfortunately i i bought something ironically that i in in the end had to i unironically wear wear all the time so I looked like a dickhead. The thing is you're

also not tall enough for anyone else to If I was tall, if I was like a basketball player no one would know that there was a skull on my hat. Only birds.

Only birds would see the skulls. Eagles would see it. Eagles would think it was prime for a pick'n. Prime for dropping a turtle on it.

Exactly. That's a call back. Recently on the Luke and Pete show after that incredible missive from Mr. Pete Dawson, more of that to come. a turtle on it exactly that's a that's a call back yeah recently on the luke and pete show um after that incredible missive from mr pete dawson more of that to come and we have been talking um about knives made of pasta and pants and other things like that you really i mean you really are going to have to listen to that episode for that to make any sense my pants are made of knives now yeah you've got you've amalgamated the whole lot. I'm bleeding out as we speak.

We talked about police helicopters. We talked about going grey. Sounds a bit Alan Partridge here. We talked about a stand-in who worked on a Liam Neeson slash Martin Scorsese vehicle. I think it was the film Silence. I'm Liam Neeson. I'm in Japan.

But before we go into your recent trip to Korea, which I think everyone, myself included, is delighted in anticipation to listen to, I got an email from a guy called Daryl. I won't use his surname because that would embarrass him. Is it Daryl from The Walking Dead, the crossbowman? No. Well, actually, I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, he's a fictional character. He's in Death Stranding now, Hideo Kojima's new game. Daryl, essentially, I mean, I've boiled his email down to these two questions. Who are you guys and why are you friends? So, Pete, I thought you could answer. It'd be good for you to answer that, I think, Pete. It's weird to have a question asked by the pit of your stomach every morning

when you head into the studio. But it does happen. Yeah. As who we are, we are just two men. One of us is sitting in a ravishing Rick Rude t-shirt with swag on it. I'll let you be the judge of who that is. Don't spoil them. No. They can imagine that in their own mind.

But one of us has recently gotten into the wrestling. Yeah. He wasn't into the wrestling and now he's into the wrestling. And in terms of why are we friends? into the wrestling. Yeah. He wasn't into the wrestling and now he's into the wrestling. And in terms of why are we friends, Pete, what do you dislike about me the most? Your arrogance. Yeah.

I genuinely want an honest answer here. No. What do I dislike about you the most? Because I've got a list here. Your arguments are quite organised. And I can't really compete. And it annoys me. And you're a fucking stupid beard, you twat.

Yeah, fair enough. I hope that answers your question, Daryl. Peter, you have recently, and I do mean recently, arrived back from the beautiful far eastern country of Korea. You got back yesterday. You were in a bit of a frenzy. I'm in a bit of a frenzy.

You know what? I was fortunate enough to see you as soon as you landed. I'm feeling good. Yeah. I'm feeling good. I'm not really that well slept, but I had a full dream while I was away. Korea was very hot and just too hot. It was like 37 degrees Celsius.

Is it humid as well? But it was humid at the same time, so you really couldn't do anything. You just couldn't be outside for any length of time. There were warnings, don't go outside, it's mental. So I spent a lot of time just being in bed, just sleeping. Long way to go for that sort of relaxation. I know, but what can you do? But I did do a thing. I went to Jeju Island, which is a beautiful seaside for that sort of relaxation. I know, but what can you do? But I did do a thing.

I went to Jeju Island, which is a beautiful seaside resorty sort of place. One of the most beautiful places I've ever been, I think. And I sat on a water ring. Water ring? Rubber ring. Rubber ring. Yeah.

And I just sort of sat and just kind of dozed off in the sea. Did you get sunburned again? No, I didn't get sunburned again no i didn't get sunburned again i was all right i i my base tan was in was in uh was in residence so i think i was fine did you put cream on relaxing yeah a little bit a little bit yeah we've got to be talking about the filtration of uva and uvb rays here i was hanging i was hanging out with a scotsman so let's just say he got banned because he's Scottish but I'm just south of the border and I don't know what that means but it just it just works right and so this was the trip that you had

planned for a while which you initially planned on taking Stuart Donaldson aka your dad too no it's actually later one okay okay you were never able to pin him down never able to pin the man down he's unpinnable his His stomach would stop me, I think, from reaching the ends of his wrists. And so what were your highlights of the trip? Just the food was so good. I had this chopped up octopus at like two in the morning after I'd been out for a few drinks.

And it was the greatest. I kind of wanted to go to bed, but I was like, I'm a bit hungry. It was just a crappy little kind of bar, sort of restaurant. All locals. Korea's one of those places, actually, where you don't actually see a lot of white people. Certainly in Jeju. Jeju is mainly made up of Chinese tourists. But there's actually a trade embargo, a trade disagreement,

which meant that the big tours couldn't go out there. So if you're Chinese, you can only go out there as a solo traveler, which they don't do a lot, apparently. So the Chinese interpreters and Chinese tour guides went from being like 350 to like 50 on the island. It's only a very small island. Comparatively, when you don't drive, it's a fucking nightmare to get around.

But it was just, there were just no white people at all. It was really weird. You stood out. Yeah, I think I did. Not as much as your Scottish friend stood out, presumably. No, he was like a big ghosty boy. But the food, oh man, some of the food is just incredible. The problem is, like, bless Greg,

he's not the most adventurous of eaters, so we were occasionally having to have two different dinners. One, me eating the mad seafood shit and the broths with the big lumps of eel and shit in it, and then he was, like, just, you know, eating the rice and stuff. It was kind of difficult that way, but I think we had a good time. Saul, I don't know what it is, but the young kids, we were kind of in a difficult that way. But I think we had a good time. Saul, I don't know what it is,

but the young kids, we were kind of in a hipster neighborhood. They are stylistically obsessed with the film Leon. Right. Like, everybody has a T-shirt with an older man with little round glasses

and a young child. Basically, Leon. Every T-shirt has Leon on it. I don't know what this obsession is I'm sure we have some career I know we have some career

soul based listeners because I know a couple of people got in touch I was only in soul for a few days so I didn't have time to socialise with

certain people if you've got limited time I don't want to waste people's time so I'm going to be here for two hours make time

no make time Jean Reno as Leon, the title, the eponymous hero and his small child.

Was it Matilda in the film? Pretty sure I've got a feeling of him saying this is for Matilda in the film at some point. Yeah, I think it is Matilda. I went for a phase

of really liking that film. Oh, it's fantastic. It's a good movie, yeah. But I don't understand why in 2018 everyone's wearing that. We went to an erotic museum as well.

Right. Which was less than erotic. I'm sure if you really need some pictures for Luke and Pete Instagram channel, you got them. You got them. It's funny, isn't it?

Because an erotic museum in quotes is almost guaranteed to be the least erotic thing around. Oh, it was disgusting. Was it more or less erotic than the Icelandic Penis Museum in Reykjavik? The Icelandic Penis Museum is a lot more biological.

Yeah. The Erotic Museum was a bit more playful. Just a lot of kind of nicely painted oily, and they ended up oily, sexually explicit drawings, really. Right. It was very little to it. And then it built into it was a museum, presumably utilizing the same artists of kind of like optical illusions

and also an ice museum as well. So it was like three or four little, it was about as tourist trappy as it gets, but I got to stand under a big pair of boobies. I saw that. I saw the photo that you lovingly sent around. Overall, marks out of 10? Penis.

Penis. Your penis? My penis is talking now. Be quiet. He has some things to say. He's crying. Now, the Sex Museum, a 5 out of 10. The Ice Museum.

I mean, there is... Nice and cool in there, presumably. It was nice and cool in there after the white hot fun we had in the Erotic Museum. I'd say that's another 5. All 5s. All 5s out of 10. Tourist trap. Pathetic.

Not grown up. Rubbish. What would you give yourself out of 10 the things i did in there 10 out of 10 i was foul i met a man in a bar i met a man in a bar and he was obsessed with he was obsessed with the ruttles oh yeah uh the eric isle kind of monty python side uh project like a parody of the uh beatles wasn't it it was like um a film uh and i think an album as well he was obsessed with the ruttles he loved the music of the ruttles and also a japanese copy band called the goggles of the beatles oh okay but i i kind of didn't want to ask him whether he liked the beatles or not because

if you're offering up the information that your favourite band is the Rutles and also the Goggles. Imagine if you were the one who broke to him that the Beatles existed and completely blew his mind. There's like 50 albums, mate. Fill your boots. And they are very much the originals. I would say, yeah, they're definitely up there in the top three parody bands. Sorry? Parody? Well well you say parody

what does that mean type that into the translator what does that mean they're quite an interesting phenomenon the Rutles because a bit before my time

but as far as I'm aware they were actually quite big despite being like they weren't sat there like live no that kind of stuff yeah yeah yeah they're very popular

they were good they were good but not worth talking about in 2018. I think George Harrison was notably involved as well. Yes, he was. He was in the film. So he loved it.

I think McCartney maybe as well, possibly. At one point, it's quite interesting philosophically because at one point, you could probably argue that they might have... If Paul McCartney and George Harrison in the mid to late 70s were involved, where does one start

and where does the other end? You could argue. No, exactly. Pete, we're coming to the end of um the long hot summer of 2018 and even people who haven't been fortunate to be in korea where it was even hotter will remember this summer as being the hottest since the one that your parents always talk about aka the summer of 1976 how will you remember uh this summer do you think I might be mostly complaining just about how hot

it is I mean we've been in here quite a lot because it coincided with the World Cup didn't we so it's basically everyone smells

watching Marcus Speller from the Football Ramble just sweating it up well just watching his t-shirt like a horse in a paddock

like watching his t-shirt change colour over an hour not even global hyper colour. No. Did you have one? Yeah, probably. I had one, definitely.

Sweater shop was quite big where I was from. Do you remember sweater shop? Yeah, vaguely, yeah. They were like a kind of, they were just jumpers but in jazzy colours with notably large logos

saying the sweater shop. They say sweater shop on them, don't they? Yeah, it said sweater shop. Which, thinking about it, is presumably a play on the word sweatshop, which isn't great. I don't know if they intended that.

Were sweatshops widely acknowledged as being the social ill that they are now, back then? I think they were. I think they were getting there, certainly. Right, okay. Because the dissemination of information was nowhere near as efficient as it is now, then. No. It's a similar vibe going on.

Foxconn. In New England, they have this brand called Vineyard Vines. The Vineyard Vines. Which has got a big whale as the logo. VV. It's that type of preppy clothing where it says Vineyard Vines all over it. It's very, very similar. It's almost like the modern sweater shop.

Probably more expensive, I expect. Is that VV Brown? No. She's good. Excellent. All right, good. Well, why don't we have a little break? Now you're back in the habit.

You have a fucking break. We can all have one together. All right. And afterwards, we'll get on to the main part of the show, which is obviously other people telling us stories. Boobies. All right, welcome back to the Luke and pete show as promised before our little break there little tea break um we are drinking tea we are you're normally on coffee but today

you're on tea um stick around for more insight like that we've had a lot of good emails a lot of good emails um what do you want to do first you want to jump on one or do you want to choose one would you how do you why don't you get on the email train and I will be in the dining car picking up some salty popcorn. 100 calories per bag. Okay. I would like to continue the recent theme of worst job interviews ever. But I would like to go with this one from Matt who takes it from a slightly different angle. See, the beautiful part about this email is, it's not

the worst interview ever, it's the worst interviewer ever. So we've flipped it on itself. I mean, they assume that because you are in a position of power that you can interview people. You can't. We've Wes Craven'd this. We've subverted it. Check this out

from Matt. He says, hi, guys. Hearing about your disappointment at the lack of awkward interview stories, I thought I'd share a terrible experience I had about six years ago. I'd been working in a local recruitment firm for just over a year in my local town of Southend-on-Sea. Who knew it would be a recruitment firm when this happened? And feeling like I should make the big step to work in the city, I arranged an interview with a snazzy firm in London. The gentleman I was meant to interview with

requested that I meet him in a nearby wine bar for my first interview and when I arrived, the first thing he said to me was, I'm going to put my phone down here, but if it keeps going off, I can only apologise because I've got two women chasing me at the moment and they're a little bit keen. Wow. What an opening gambit. What a boy, mate. This is the person I want to work with, a man who's constantly at the moment and they're a little bit keen wow what an opening gambit what a boy mate this is the person i want to work with a man who's constantly at the std clinic um this is my

matt says this was my first indicator that i probably wouldn't be twatty enough to get the gig but i still had another hour to get through he asked me a series of strange questions such as you're going to start a business recruiting ballerinas what's your business plan ballerinas yeah what's well i'm gonna what's your quote what's your business plan for recruiting ballerinas donson um have someone resident in the business to fix their shoes because um they are notably pretty uh but very sturdy and they need to maintain integrity get out why what's wrong you're fired what's wrong with that? You're fired. What's wrong with that? I'm adding sugar in you. Fuck off, Luke.

That was brilliant. Matt says, to which I looked in blankly for about 30 seconds without being able to muster any form of logical response. So you've done better than Matt there. I need a relationship

with a good dry cleaning company because you can't put tutus in a washing machine. There we go. And also, a carpenter to make the bars to put in front of the mirrors so they can practice their high kicks.

High kicks. That's what they do. It's not kung fu. Anyway, this is where the email gets really good. Matt goes on to say, perhaps the most embarrassing answer I produced was when he asked me what I was going to do with all the money I'd be making working for him.

Oh, God, this guy sounds dreadful to which i replied i might get a new car even though i didn't have a license he asked me which car so i just said an aldi and i thought it might get a positive response however when he pushed me on which aldi model i couldn't think of any so after a few seconds i just blurted out, an Audi Fusion. Fusion! You've probably not heard of it, go to another school. He called me on this and then I had to instantly confess that it wasn't a real car. It's a

kit car. It's an Audi that I, it's a cut and shut. Oh, don't you know? It's a cut and shut. It's half an Audi. Half a chocolate bar by the sound of it. He ended the interview by saying he didn't think my appearance would fit in by the sound of it he ended the interview by saying he didn't think

my appearance would fit in with the rest of the team saying he wears thousand dollar suits oh my god why this prick doesn't pay in sterling

wasn't explained I didn't get the job regards Matt that I you that's not even a bullet dodge that's a fucking scud missile

yeah dodged matrix style in the best way possible it's a drone strike dodge It's a drone strike dodge. It's a drone strike dodge. Like the Venezuelan president. Was it Venezuelan?

Tell me more. I don't know about this. He was in the news a day ago. I think it was the Venezuelan president was having a little military procession and somebody dropped a drone with some explosives and all his soldiers ran away. But people are just saying that he did it himself

so he could crack down on his dissenters and sedition rabble-rousers. I found it very difficult to find any news that I like since my preferred outlets were banned from Facebook, YouTube, Spotify and Google. Well, I think we should become the

new Alex Jones slash InfoWars next week because I've got some cracking conspiracy theories I've stolen from certain places. All right, great. I don't usually like conspiracy theories, but there are some humdingers. Is this in addition to your true crime special? You're promising a lot at the moment. I'm delivering a little.

I'm going to write this down. No, don't you dare. True crime special. Cross that out right now. I'm going to spill my tea on it. Well, see, I have one conspiracy theory special. And your mum. I'm going to talk about your mum.

No. Write that down. Don't do that. Your mum. My mum's lovely. She got very drunk at a Ramble Live event once, as you well know. Can I just say about Alex Jones very quickly? Do this.

When all this stuff went on, I was like, I'll just have a little look. See if he's still on Twitter or whatever. Pumped his name into Twitter. Came up straight away. Clicked on his profile. First pinned tweet from him. Post all this banning. First pinned tweet was a video he had uploaded.

230 minutes long. Wow. So give him a bit of credit. At his age and his physical build, that's a lot of stamina. Mate, all he does is take the supplements he hawks. And rip his shirt off. And rip his shirt off. And rip his shirt off. He is going to live forever.

So 230 minutes long. Within one minute... How many hours is that? 60, 21, 182. It's almost four hours. Wow. Yeah, so in... I timed this.

That's over the limit. Within one minute and seven seconds, he was talking about the harvesting of organs by prominent political figures. I am a man, if you've listened to this show for any length of time, I am a man who starts all of my points in the middle of where I'm

trying to get and try to kind of work my way out like a hedgeman is. Starting like that, he's a man after my own heart. I'm up for that. I'm up for starting in a mental way and then trying to sort of you know it gets more mental it gets more mental than that doesn't it it's really just right it's one point he was talking about um in one of the videos talking about hillary clinton living

with a mysterious sharing a bed with a mysterious hooded old woman it's like it doesn't really i don't really understand what the basis for it is What's it trying to convey Do you understand what I mean Before you get into all this idea about false flags And crisis actors and the horrific stuff About all the school massacres And all that kind of stuff I just mean his basic oeuvre is

Almost impossible to understand What he's trying to convey Maybe she sleeps in the same room as the parakeet And it's the cover. I don't think it's happening. Do you reckon he's just never seen a bird of paradise before?

He's never seen somebody cover up a bird's cage at night. Like the guy in Mighty Boosh who doesn't know what all the animals are. Yeah.

The zoo owner. The giant grey people pointing at the elephants. That's Alex Jones. Is that, I can't remember his bloody name now. It's called Bob something.

Bob something. Oh, right, okay. I thought it was, uh, the American guy who I quite like. And that's why I don't like cricket. Oh, Doug Stanhope.

No, that's not Doug Stanhope. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink. That guy. No, he's not in my... We don't know who he is. Pete, why don't you do another email? Yeah, all right, fine.

It's your turn now. All right, hang on. Let me just, uh... I've got so many good ones at the moment, I'm telling you. Well, you want me to bash out another one while I find another one? Because people just don't want to hear me all the time. right, fine. It's your turn now. All right, hang on. Let me just... I've got so many good ones at the moment, I'm telling you. Well, why don't you bash out another one while I find another one? Because people just don't want to hear me all the time. Okay, then. I'll do a little quick one while you're doing that, okay?

It's from Alice, and she says, this is about names you wouldn't call a newborn baby girl. She says, all right, lads, first things first, I've got a lovely pair of Pear Deer Ultra Digitals in my camera. Pear Deer Ultra Digitals. Good, isn't it? A lot to disseminate there. How do they fill that on the battery?

She says, I wanted to write to you about names you would never give to a baby girl because there are definitely some, even though you couldn't think of any. She's come up with the following list, Pete, so you want to maybe just give it a yes or a no as I list the names. Sonia Blade. Who was that? She was in... Mortal Kombat. She in Red Son... No, okay, I'm thinking of that? She was in Mortal Kombat.

She in Red Sun? Oh, okay, I'm thinking of that Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle. Anyway, here are the names.

You tell me yes or no. Would you be happy to name your newborn baby girl this name? Okay. Yeah.

Sandra. No. Yeah. Deborah. Deborah. Yeah. You'd be happy to call your newborn

baby girl Deborah. Yeah, that's fine. Pamela Yeah Shirley Yeah Come on I mean we've already proved that I'm a fucking idiot Brenda

Brenda would be funny Belinda Belinda Yeah And she says Doreen Doreen Yeah just bring them back People

People change their names all the time so don't worry about it oh that's not that's not an inspiring way to start parenthood is it I work in radio

and people change their names all the time that's what that's what Neville Neville's parents thought Neville Neville and she says the ultimate name

you'd never name a baby boy has to be Roy Roy the baby Roy this is Roy Roy this is Roy this is Roy. This is Roy. This is Roy.

He works in roofing. Anyway, you're up, Donaldson. What have you got for us? All right. Andy says, there has never been a dad who doesn't take the Sunday paper with them for a 45-minute dump.

Yeah, my dad doesn't. I've not really seen my dad take the newspaper in. Oh, like, my dad's got the radio on. He's got a little portable radio in the shower. Actually, he's got a portable radio in every goddamn room in the house. Yeah, like that. And he listens to Radio 4, and he reads the newspaper, and he just...

The men of the world, probably the problem with why they all get fucking prostate cancer is the fact that he spent all his time on the fucking toilet. But that's not a scientific basis though, is it? Apparently, Innofishers are becoming more and more popular because people

tweet and play Candy Crush Saga on the loo for too long. Right. Just get it. If you need a shit, do it.

Then go. I've always been a proponent of that method. I've not been someone who likes to linger there. It's uncomfortable. I understand what Andy's saying on his email

because it is quite an old school idea. There used to be a guy I used to work with. I won't name him because he got fired for having a porn file on his work computer

but he used to take a copy of the racing post into the toilet and he would like really obnoxiously do it. Peruse. He would like get up from his desk,

grab the racing post, stick it under his arm and just walk off like whistling he might as well set a big neon sign so i am off for a massive shit it's quite an old school way of uh of doing it i mean if he got caught with pornography on his work computer yeah he's probably got some something hidden well he's been found now hidden in the system oh so what you mean okay right yeah you can only go to the same one every time inside that racing post that's all i'm saying mate that's all i'm saying or maybe gets off on horses um i can't uh discount that did your dad have a bull worker i don't know what that is uh

it's a big spring inside a big tube um uh with um two wires for what you would probably call ballast i suppose or or right and you'd pull oh yes yeah he did yeah pull them what you'd probably call ballast, I suppose. Right. Oh, yes, yeah, he did, yeah. And you'd pull them or you'd push them. It's like doing chest press or whatever. It's like doing chest press. It's like doing an unfold.

Like, where did they go? It's really 80s. Where did they go? Don't see them anymore, do you? Where did they go? No. I really want one now. Michael McIntyre?

What? That's the sort of thing he would say. I was just thinking about it. I was thinking you don't see them anymore. Yeah, you don't see them anymore. Yeah, you don't see them anymore. You don't see men using them anymore. I didn't know that's what they were called. Bull workers, yeah.

You'd squeeze them or you could pull them. I mean, an excellent exercise machine. Great for the inner pecs, presumably. It's amazing, isn't it? It's amazing. I've never thought about those since about 1991.

I think I know why they disappeared because they were fucking dangerous. Dangerous, yeah. They were fucking death traps. I can imagine a lot of 80s men getting their

chest hair caught in them. Chest hair? No, that was the springs. That's what I'm talking about, the springs. No, no, no, no. This wasn't a raw spring. It was a pole.

So my dad had one of the springs ones. Oh, right, okay, no. That's not a bull worker. No, it was a pole. Let me get you a picture. So what would you call the springs one, Pete? Just a springy pole, pole. That's not a bull worker. No, it was a Paul. Let me get you a picture. So what would you call the Springs one, Pete?

Just a springy, pull, pull. I don't know. Bull worker was this. Here it is. You can still buy them. You can still buy them. Was one of those guys. One of those guys.

Those guys there. I've never seen one of those before. They were like, that guy looks like Christian. Look, that guy could not look more 1980s so did your dad have one of those yeah my dad had one of those and I used to

sort of put my chin on it and sort of try and pull my chin to the ground and just like crack all my teeth it was stupid

it was ridiculous people just don't have it like there's just more maybe there's just better ways of doing it these as well chest benders those ones

and the old wrist ones. Oh, the old wrist ones. You still see those sometimes. Yeah. I think a couple of those things are quite northern. Do you reckon? I don't reckon they made them. I've never seen one of those before.

I'm going to buy myself a bull worker. Do it. So I can get that big chest. All right, we've got time for one more email. What have you done to your knee? Oh, I was playing that charity football tournament last Sunday. Oh, yeah, you played football. You played more email. What have you done to your knee? I was playing that charity football tournament last Sunday. Oh, yeah, you played football.

You played... Where was Donny's invite? I love a game of football. Okay, we're going to go through this. We're going to do this. We'll start to finish. I invited you. You said you're in Korea.

I said, that's a shame. You said, I would have liked to have played, but I'll be away. No further questions. Right, move on to the next email. We won the tournament, so it's fine. This email is from a guy called Sean. Hi, Sean. Great to have your email, mate.

You'll love this, Pete. I've titled this email, Man pays £30 for haircut when he has no hair. Oh. This is about British awkwardness again. Remember we talked about it? At yours. How much money would you pay Pete Donaldson for a haircut

rather than cause a scene? And you said £200. Yeah. So this is out from sean he says uh chaps your recent discussion about how much you would pay for a haircut because of british awkwardness reminded me of a similar incident that happened to me last year i got married last july and a few weeks before have uh beforehand my better half suggested i should visit a turkish barber leading up to the wedding to get my beard and hair trimmed and treat myself to a massage and everything like that while i'm in there i don't have a large beard sean says and i keep it clippered relatively short but other than that i'm too lazy to keep it maintained and inita so i was a little bit worried about having something

different done for the wedding day without seeing it beforehand so i decided to test it a few weeks before i live in essex but i work in london so now the only way um to do it a few weeks before. I live in Essex, but I work in London, so now the only way to do it is essentially do it on my lunch break. I knew I'd have to pay London prices, but needs must. Sean says, I found a place in walking distance from the office. The first thing I did was check the price for them to do their thing to my beard, and I already wanted to walk out when they said it was £30, but I was in there now, and good old British awkwardness meant I just carried on.

You're getting married, mate. Exactly. This is the practice I remember. This is just the practice. Well. They cracked on, says Sean, and although having my ear hairs burnt off isn't how I'd normally spend my lunch break,

the whole thing was very relaxing, until they gave me the bill of £60. What? £60? Yeah, I said £60. Confused, I asked why the price had doubled. They told me it was because they had cut my hair as well, which left me feeling pretty confused.

I was 32 at the time I had this done, and probably about seven years before this event, while walking down the road, a van of builders pulled over to ask me where the barber's is. When I responded with, sorry, I don't know, they shouted, of course you don't, you bald cunt. Brilliant. Fantastic. I lost my hair a good few years ago

and come to terms with it, and my consciousness of it didn't really register when they run the clippers around the back of my head for literally 30 seconds. So I certainly didn't expect it to be double the price. But rather than arguing with someone as skilled as that with a cutthroat razor, I just paid the money and left.

Yeah, that's a piss stick, isn't it? So I headed home, £60 down after paying for a haircut for the hair I don't have and you can probably already guess the response from my now wife. She looked at me for about three seconds and said no, I don't like that, don't do that again for the wedding. Ha ha ha!

The hair I don't have. The story of Steve from Guess Who. He finishes the email by saying, all in all, a deflating experience. Love that. Would have been if they'd pressed the knife to your throat. I actually cut my dad's hair because he's just got a little bit around the sides now.

Just do it with the old grade four. Just do it with the old clitters. Yeah, grade four. Get it around there. I couldn't find... I have a very specific clippers for my beard. I don't have a beard, but it's just like my little... You've got a David Brent box beard, haven't you?

I don't have a David Brent. That happens to be the only place that hair grows. But I don't like to shave it completely because I think it makes my forehead look big. And so I'd use like a clipper. You think not having a beard makes your forehead look big? Yeah. It makes it look...

So I use like a very specific Gillette kind of it's like a beard shaper sort of thing it's kind of like Craig David if I want to kind of shape my beard a little bit

to make a little so I use that and for the other bit you used Dollar Shave Club right I forgot costume yeah

or whatever we're being sponsored for what yeah and I just use an enamel razor for the rest of it

for the little bum fluff because I'm not a good bearded grower. But I couldn't find one in Korea or the brief, as I was in Fukuoka in Japan. So I had to use what could only be described as a bikini shaper. Right. And they are rather more aggressive, which is weird because it's closer to the more delicate parts.

I can't notice any difference in your face, though. No. So people wouldn't know that. Massive forehead. It's an unnecessary confessional, that. Unnecessary confessional could be the sub-title to this goddamn show. On that delicate note, Donaldson, let's get out of here. Get off my delicate notes.

Yeah, we'll be out of here and we'll come back on Monday. Why not? Monday! As is the custom. All right, then, shitheads, bye. See you later. let's get out of here get off my delicate knots yeah we'll be out of here and we'll come back on Monday why not Monday as is the custom alright then shitheads bye see you later Outro Music