The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 89: A husband's bulge

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Finally, finally, FINALLY, Pilot Neil returns. We don't know where he's been or what he's been doing but the most important thing is that he's back. We weren't angry, just disappointed.Also on your all-new edition of The Luke and Pete Show - tales from Bruges, the most beautiful/perverted city in Belgium, pinball machines, elaborate record packaging and the time Pete was attacked by a police dog for no reason. Can you tell we don't plan these in advance?We also took the time to get through a few of your emails of course, and to get involved yourself it's: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

and we're back it's the luke and pete shaw and we're back doing the luke and pete shaw thing luke would you mind very much if I took my top off? No, I wouldn't mind at all. Would it make you uncomfortable? I'm just going to take mine off because it is fucking hot in here. So that's the Pete there taking his top off as a start to episode 89 or whatever it is.

We don't normally do the show half naked, but we have to confess that the studio we've got doesn't have any air conditioning, so it can get very warm. So please excuse my esteemed colleague this behaviour. And I'm steamy. What I would say is that we are doing this without air conditioning so that you don't hear the whir of the air conditioning.

Yeah. Stop saying air conditioning. I'm just saying if we had the air conditioner on, it would sound ridiculous. It would. And on that note, welcome to the show. Last time around, we talked about Pete's trip to Korea. We talked about a terribly traumatic trip to the barbers

for one of our listeners. And we talked about Pete resorting to shaving his beard with a bikini trimmer. Is that what you call it? Yeah, bikini shaper. One side is a conventional razor. The other side, a buzzed kind of machine. Yeah, bikini shaper. One side is a conventional razor. The other side, a buzzed kind of machine. Yeah, okay.

That makes it perfectly clear. What have you been up to, Pete? Because I would just like to venture very, very gently to you that I have just got back from Bruges. Oh, yes, you went to Bruges. Have you been? Yes, when I was a child. a bruise. Have you been?

Yes, when I was a child we were in a public toilet and a woman came out of a shop with a bucket of water threw it into one of the cubicles in the public toilet because a man, a pervert, was looking at

children urinating. I wish I hadn't asked. I wish. That is my memories of Bruges and we got to play in Club Bruges football stadium did you really

why we did Club Bruges I don't really know I wasn't really into football but was it the same man who invited you along it was a football trip

and we got to play and my memory of that is a Scottish man basically they put me in defence and they said and he said if you

if he goes left if the striker goes left you go left if he goes right you go right which doesn't make any sense because I would be going the wrong way and he says if he goes for a piss you hold it for him which again inappropriate in what you've recently seen but I really like that teacher I wonder what he's doing now he went to

Brierton school Mr Football I don't know I don't fucking but uh yeah it was good and we went to a um uh joke shop the problem with european joke shops in the 80s slash 90s is that you get there it's a joke shop but it gets a bit dirty yeah it's like it's very european i'm thinking very hairy pubic areas no well yeah well it's just like there's joke shop there's fake lips there's kind of like snapping gum hot sweets sneezing powder itching powder and then right into and that stink bombs and then right into uh comics of um hardcore um uh tin tin fucking snowy stuff like that right almost immediately

and you're like whoa i was enjoying that and now i've got to deal with that image not a beaded hardcore, tin tin fucking snowy, stuff like that. Right. Almost immediately. And you're like, whoa, I was enjoying that and now I've got to deal with that image. Not a beaded curtain between. Not a beaded curtain between, just all together.

They're just, the Europeans, they don't give a fuck. No, they don't. And also, on adverts in the street and on like,

advertising hoardings, just women with nip nips out. Women with nip nips out. What year was this? The year was 1980, 1990. 1990, okay. I was nine years old. women with nip nips out women with nip nips out what year was this the year was 1980 1990 1990

okay I was nine years old on the cusp of a new decade hopes are high on the cusp can you remember how you got there was it ferry to Zeebrugge

it was no yeah Ostend no what both those are fairly close I think yeah I remember playing

a pinball table on the ferry the ferry was the most exciting thing ever it was a four hour ferry journey a 50 hour fucking coach journey

down to the fucking door of wherever the fuck you went and then I played pinball but it kept on doing the tilt thing oh yeah I hate that

how can you remember this why would they put a pinball machine on a ferry that is you know the tilt mechanism is going to constantly

go off because it's a ferry. It rolls in the sea. How can you remember the machinations of a specific pinball machine 28 years ago? It just upsets me, the lack of foresight. Look, it's like the fucking blue M&Ms or the brown M&Ms for the band.

Like, if you can't, if that small part of your operation is fucked, what's going to happen when the captain smashes it into some rocks? I know what you mean. It sets a dangerous precedent. I'm thinking Costa Concordia. Look after the small stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, listen, I went to Bruges. I had an all right time. It's funny because... A lot of cobbles. Again, the rolling of the ankles. Cobblestones so severe that my wife had to go and buy a new pair of footwear.

Is she a, because she's quite a diminutive character. I imagine she's fond of a heel. Well, no, no. She's very practical, so she likes to be outside, likes to walk around. But the sandals she was wearing just were not cutting the mustard vis-a-vis the cobblestone situation. Heelys. So we had to go. Heelys.

So we got her a pair of Heelys. Oh, she used like ice skates in between the cobbles. She just put some normal trainers, mate. Heelys. Yeah. So we got a pair of Heelys. Oh, she used like ice skates in between the cobblestone. She just put some normal trainers, mate. Oh, right. Call her a traditionalist. But when you went there, did you climb the Belfry?

I don't recall. Popularised by the film In Bruges. Have you seen that? Did someone get thrown off it? I don't want to spoiler it, but something happens with it. No.

But it's an interesting tower because it was built, first of all, in the 13th century. Then they kept adding to of all, in, I think, the 13th century. Then they kept adding to it. So in the 14th, the 15th, the 16th, it got quite high. And you could climb up it. It's about 350 steps.

It gets very narrow near the top. Beautiful view across all of Bruges. And the interesting thing about it... I like that it gets narrow at the top. Have we got enough building materials this year? Should we just cut some corners and make it a bit smaller? People don't want to know. They'll be tired by the time they get to the top and I go have we got enough building materials this year should we just cut some corners and make it a bit smaller people don't know they'll be tired

by the time they get to the top people are so small at that sort of time anyway they wouldn't have ever come up but we get a walking tour as part of the hotel we stayed in

and the tour guide said to us that when the order was given handed down during the second world war to Bon Brugge the Nazi area commander

who had been stationed there for a while, refused the order because the city was so beautiful. And he didn't want that on his conscience. And the war ended very shortly after that. And so it was never bombed. So as a result, it's a really beautiful place. I think it's the only city in Europe which is the entirety of the city

as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It's very walkable, lots of good beers, lots of nice chocolate, lots of good food as well, actually. Wasn't there a particular building that Hitler wanted to use as Nazi headquarters if they invaded the UK and he didn't want to bomb that just because he was going to use it? I believe it's Norwich because I think it came up in an Alan Partridge show at one point. I believe so, anyway. Anyway, Bruges is a beautiful place. Probably not quite as much octopus as there is in Korea.

No? Well, I'm speaking for... We won't hold that against it. In the canals? Is it canals? Are there canals? Canals everywhere. Yeah.

You can have a boat trip par excellence. Why don't any... Why do places like Bruges and Ghent, which I also recommend in Belgium, make a big deal about their canals, Amsterdam and their canals, but our Camden locks? Why don't we make a big deal about them?

Yeah, because there's famously more canals in Birmingham than there is in Venice, right? Oh, is there? And one thing about Bruges is I think the canals in Bruges, or at least the majority of them, are all natural as well. Whereas I believe in Amsterdam, they're man-made. Right. I don't know if that makes them better or worse.

There was a river slash canal in the middle of Shibuya, which is in the centre of Tokyo. And as the Japanese are, they're very kind of faddy. They just went, oh, fuck it. Let's just put a department store on top of it. So now she's got a department store on top of this canal. Really? Yeah, they just went, fuck it.

Let's not have a water feature. Let's have a Tokyo Hans. What's the process? Do they need permission to do that? Well, I presume there was an agreement made somewhere. Just doing it. Just do it. Just do it.

They're probably thinking, whereas in the UK, it would be there's an excuse, like. Just doing it. Just do it. Just do it. They're probably thinking, whereas in the UK it would be there's an excuse, like a bureaucratic excuse to not do anything, the Japanese are probably having debates about whether it is in fact mad enough. Is it mad enough? Let's do it. But anyway, interesting about your story about Bruges there. And I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I'm not casting any judgment on it.

But the things that Belgium is known for these days. Tintin having sex with his dog. Football. Yep. Chocolate. Right. Beer. Paedophiles. Where was the paedophile thing come in? Well, you said there was a man who was arrested. He wasn't arrested. That's the thing. He wasn't arrested. It was just in the 80s

we had a different approach to paedophiles. We just threw buckets of water on them. Who's we? The people. People decided. Chris Rock did a big sort of thing where it was like, you know, you just knew in the past. Stay away from him.

He's a wrong-un. I'm not saying these people shouldn't have been jailed. And of course they should have been. But this mania, this tabloid mania that allows people like fucking Tommy Robinson to get column inches, it clouds the real crimes, which is systemic canal covering by Japanese developers. Yeah, I know what you mean. I definitely remember in the late 80s,

my parents saying, oh, that guy down there in that road, he's a bit weird, just don't go near him. I mean, to be fair, I'm ostensibly a single man of middle to late 30s. Well, late 30s. I'd probably be in that category. I'd probably be in that category

if I didn't live in a big city where there are psychos everywhere. You would be called, you would be referred to as confirmed bachelor. Confirmed bachelor. Now, that's a reference for homosexuality, isn't it? Confirmed bachelor. Which is what I used to say about men who lived on their own in their advanced age, isn't it?

Yeah. No, you wouldn't say confirmed bachelor. That's a homosexual slur. What would you say then? Suspected child abuser Pete Donaldson. Massive dickhead. Just nobody will live live with him he is unspeakable big forehead is big his forehead is too big for any woman to love him sit on my face welcome to the pizza you know that horrible thing that men like say sit on my face there's enough room for five women to sit on my face. Is your face too small for your head?

What? Is your face too small for your head? Yeah, it doesn't... It's not... It's like... You know when, like... You know when, like, a three-piece plays Glastonbury? Even with extraneous hidden guitarists on the corner.

Dressed in black. Dressed in black. They're not part of the band yet. So if we take your entire head as the universe, what percentage of that head is face? What do you mean? In your case. Mine's like a bit of Chinese scrap metal

that's fallen off a satellite compared to the universe if your planet was the earth it's efficient so I don't need look we don't need to spread out there's enough room

for advertising but if your face was the earth sponsor my head your forehead would very much be the pacific ocean is that fair yeah that's fair

yeah and what does that what does that mean for you can we just press the ads button on the sides alright let's have a break Sponsor my head. Your forehead would very much be the Pacific Ocean. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. And what does that mean for you? Why don't we just press the ads button on the sides? All right, let's have a break. Hey, y'all, it's Farmer Meemaw. And today, I'm going to show you what I've been doing to take care of the pantry moth situation. All right, welcome back.

Sit on my face. Welcome back to the Pete Donaldson Forehead Hour. We've got some emails to get through. Listen, I'm very excited to say to you all listening at home or on the train or on a run or wherever you are. I'm absolutely delighted to tell you that one of the most popular members of this parish. What? Pilot Neil. Pilot Neil.

Is bloody well back. I thought you were going to say, Pilot Neil has got a series. No, yeah. Finally got a series. Which, Pilot Neil is back. He's emailed in, clearing up a few bits and pieces that we've talked about.

Would you like to hear from him? Yes, could he explain to me why all of the Korean airlines I used, and I think I know the answer because I've heard before that the training isn't quite as rigorous in specifically South Korea, and some pilots are pressured,

or rather some training companies are pressured to pass pilots when they shouldn't really be doing so. They're very heavy-handed with their landings. Are they? Oh, okay. I imagine that's something you get better with over time, though, so maybe you didn't have an experienced pilot. Why don't they land on a bouncy castle?

Yeah, you're all about the bouncy castles these days. Pilot Neil says, hi, guys. Sorry to have been incommunicado for a few months. Probably got things on. Yeah, too many Football Ramble World Cup podcasts to keep up with. We're only now catching up with events in Luke and Pete world. He says, I've also been away for a few weeks, staying with the in-laws in New Hampshire,

which conveniently prompts me to send this latest missive. Anyway, I'm currently sitting in Boston Logan Airport, one of my favourite airports, about to fly back in time to go and see Stephen Page, he of Bare Naked Ladies fame. Yes, Ben! In Brighton on his latest tour. Oh, and my name's Neil, which you've repeatedly cited as an example of a name no one would call a newborn baby with in modern times. Oh, did you feel like, um,

that's probably why he became a pilot. Why? To get respect? It's just nominative determinism. It's not, is it? How is that

nominative determinism? Are you going to call a baby Neil a pilot? Pilot Neil. Pilot Neil. Yeah, he's going to become a pilot. Yeah, exactly.

Neil says, I also have an interesting addendum to my previous story about transporting a few kilos of cocaine on the flight deck for a criminal case in India. On my recent stay in America I was recounting the tale to my I did a lot of cork

I was recounting the tale to my 77 year old mother-in-law and as a lawyer herself I thought she might have been moderately interested she duly listened but then neatly proved the point that most things are certainly bigger and flashier in the US of A she countered with the somewhat more exciting story Wow. half of and with the full authority of the law authorities um this guy loaded a four engine dc6 airliner with five tons of marijuana wow and had it flown from columbia to maine and then crash landed it on a private grass airfield wholly unsuitable for anything other than a light aircraft the landing gear inevitably collapsed when the heavily laden wheels touched down on the grass

strip and the aircraft slithered to a stop on its belly just before it plunged into a river at the end of the field nevertheless all the illicit cargo was quickly removed from the fuselage and the smugglers made their getaway before cops arrived stratton was subsequently sent down for about 25 years but not until after a number of years sneaking drugs into the usa and the whole story is told in his recommended autobiography sm Smuggler's Blues. Having known her for two decades now, I asked my mother-in-law why she'd never told me the story before. She replied, oh, I didn't think it was that interesting. In her defence, other stories the in-laws have deemed interesting enough to tell include,

one, the time we burned the house down on Christmas Eve. Two, the time we hired a murderer to babysit the kids. This murderer was subsequently played by Nicole Kidman in the film To Die For. And three, that time we disinterred seven deceased family members because we had a disagreement with the local priest. Yeah, I mean, there's a reason why Pilot Neil got into a plane and flew away from that situation. He said, that's all for now.

Keep up the good work and enjoy a bit of rest. That's all for now? Yeah, he'll be back. We can do a whole show on that shit. Pete, you'll love this. P.S. It definitely wasn't me in a waistcoat in the England fans in Russia. Oh, right.

Which is a shame. That would have been brilliant if it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pilot Neil, back in. Magnificent. Back in with a bullet. With some absolute stonkers. Soggy weed.

Is that a good thing? What? Well, imagine if the plane had caught fire. That would have been a pain in the arse. Guys, I'm thinking about flying some marijuana from Columbia to Maine.

Oh yeah, how much? Five tonnes? I mean, that is a lot, isn't it? I just always think... Logistically, that's a lot. I just always think that people who smuggle weed across borders via planes

inefficient. Black tar heroin, fucking coke, fine. Happens a lot in narcos, doesn't it? Just inefficient. It's too bulky. Inefficient Black tie heroin Fucking coke Fine Happens a lot in narcos Doesn't it Just inefficient It's too bulky Yeah

It's just too bulky You think And also the street value Is nowhere near as high As the cocaine street value I know I know They're not thinking

About these things No No And that's why You'll never be caught doing it Doing what the plan Travelling with it Yeah

Travelling with it Yeah Is that why you're in Bruges Drugs are boring yeah I hate drugs yeah do you want to do an email

I mean you've done I've done all the heavy lifting so far you've done all the heavy lifting no you have not I have you're not a Cessna there was actually a guy

who got caught transporting drugs this week actually doing the same thing in a private plane in this fair on these fair aisles I believe

on this sceptre to the aisle and this formerly green now yellow sceptre to the aisle hi guys this is Mike Gibson who occasionally

gets in touch nice chap from what I can tell last episode 87 during your chat about things every dad likes

next to doing a poo and having a bull worker in the 80s. Pete can clearly be heard saying, Pink Floyd's big, isn't he? Just checking that Pete, a man of considerable experience in radio

and years of immersion in the music scene, doesn't think Pink Floyd was a solo artist, presumably called Floyd. I didn't think that. But if I did, Pink Floyd would be a very sunburnt fat man, I think. There's a documentary about Pink Floyd called Which One's Pink, isn't it?

Oh, is that right? Maybe you were subconsciously channeling that. So did you know what Pink Floyd were as a concept? Are you denying this accusation? I work for Absolute Radio and yes, because we seem to play a lot of it. Yes.

I'm not enamoured with that band. I can't get on with them. I like them, but I think that every dad likes them as well. But only Dark Side of the Moon. There was, in Solid Sounds, a Pink Floyd album that had a little LED that used to sort of rotate round and round and round in Solid Sounds, a Pink Floyd album that had a little LED that used to sort of rotate around,

around, around, around, around. It was like a special edition. It would sit next to the spiritualised... It's the Pulse,

isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen. Pulse. Is it the Pulse? I think it's called Pulse, yeah. And it was always next to the special edition

spiritualised kind of medicine packaging. Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space. And every time, it would just get more dog-eared and dog-eared because it was

quite an eye drawer it was actually quite an attention drawer so people would just keep touching it

and it just looked rougher and rougher but the LED never ran out and that was back in the day I remember my uncle having it

and it always being flashing but you know there's a good interesting conversational theme here because I think

there must be a decent amount of records that actually cost more to make than they did back through sales. Because I think

there's talk that it might be some sort of new order single or album that, because what was happening with

Factory Records and with Tony Thingy and all that kind of stuff, they were just making terrible business decisions. And so I'm paraphrasing here a bit, and I'm sketchy on the details, but one of the best-selling new order singles which sold massive copies,

I think the more it sold, the worse it was for them because they were losing more money every time. And that record, that spiritualized record, for those of you listening who don't know what it is, it's essentially a CD set up as a massive pill with the foil over the top, like a paracetamol, basically. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you opened it from the wrapper and you peeled the foil back to get the CD out. That must have cost a massive amount of money.

And Spiritualized also followed that up with one of those optical illusion CDd covers where it was like an imprint of a face and depending which angle you looked at it looked like it was coming out towards you or going back away from you and that must have also cost a load of money that was back in the day when the music industry was completely off its tits all the time money yeah there's a lot of money in it uh there was a band who um were might have been okay it might have been not. I couldn't get it to fucking play. But they were called Found. And when I used to work at XFM, they released a song called Anti-Climb Paint on an edible chocolate record.

So you'd put it on and then you'd start it off. And it would just start peeling off. It would peel off little strings of chocolate. That's so funny. It played. It sounded like a really... It sounded like an old wax cylinder sort of situation, but it played on a chocolate record.

It was a fun idea. It's funny because... Chocolate wasn't very nice, though. Well, no, I can imagine. It was covered in dust. These days, if you're an artist, you're lucky to actually get a physical release of your stuff, right? Let alone this elaborate type stuff.

Vinyl's back, baby. Yeah, true, actually. That is true. I was chatting to Noel Gallagher last week, a name, a drop, and he was, and I sort of said, quite like the cover of, I've run out of questions.

Goodness me. Goodness me, yeah, Noel. I quite like the cover of your new um single can't remember what it's called uh and he was like uh i like quite a cover and he asked how involved are you in this now nowadays is this like because you're a solo artist sort of um is it more cathartic is it more satisfying to be releasing stuff on vinyl stuff and he's like no they just come around my house and and i just point at whatever album that's so funny but then he's like, no, they just come around my house and I just point at whatever album cover I want. Really? That's so funny.

But then he's going, oh, did you see the dip vinyl? Did you see the dip vinyl we did? We did a dip vinyl. They always look quite cool. Yeah, different colours and stuff. Dipped vinyl. Yeah. I think we spoke before about Russian records printed.

They're called bone records. I think we spoke a little while ago on X-rays, old X-rays. Yeah. Because it was illegal to... Because of censorship, basically. Because of USSR censorship. Interesting. Sticking to the music theme, Pete.

Sticking to the music theme. There we go. Nice. Sorry. Geoff's been in touch saying, I thought I'd send you a story about an experience I had at Reading Festival. Whoa.

We've had a few emails about festival experiences, haven't we? And this is very much at home in that pantheon. I was attacked by a dog at a Leeds festival once. Were you?

Tell us more. A riot dog because he was a, like you know like Riot Girls it was a band that were all dogs and they weren't riot dogs.

They weren't. It was a riot policeman who set his dog on me. Why? Because I was next to a lot of people setting the toilets on fire, which seemed to happen every year back in the day.

They don't seem to happen so much anymore. What injuries did you sustain? Being scared of dogs briefly. But it didn't actually physically hurt you? Nah. Why not? And so it jumped on me a bit. I was like, no! Well, Geoff lends this story to

compliment that one. He says, myself and a friend first went to the festival in the early 2000s and because I'd had exhausting and difficult experiences camping at festivals,

particularly Glastonbury, we stayed in a hotel, although quite a long distance away. See, Reading Festival can do that. I don't know why we didn't think of doing that.

You can't do it at Glastonbury. No. It's the middle of nowhere. Fucking Glastonbury. Yeah, when you went to Reading though, you probably didn't have the money at Glastonbury. No. It's in the middle of nowhere. Fucking Glastonbury. I hate Glastonbury. Yeah, when you went to Redden though, you probably didn't have the money

to stay in a hotel. No, probably not. Because camping included this part of the ticket, right? And back then, I probably would have happily just slept

on the ground. So, for our next visit, says Geoff, we were clever enough to realise that we could book a hotel way in advance, as the festival is

always August Bank holiday weekend. We did, getting a hotel really close to one of the secondary entrances and so it meant we only had to one of the secondary entrances. And so it meant we only had to go to the main gate for our wristbands on day one. Mate, this guy is all sorted out.

Hashtag life hack. This guy is clued in. What's his name? Jeff. Jeff. I was expecting a more dynamic name. But well done, mate. His name will probably become more clear as the email transport.

He says, you can imagine our due on the first day when we could walk from the main stage past all the losers walking to their tents and in less than 10 minutes be in the bar of our hotel. Oh yes, we, along with all the other smug festival guys in the bar, were drinking beer, sitting in comfortable chairs with a luxury room just an elevator away. The only small issue was water

dripping from the ceiling of the bar, which was bizarre, but luckily we put an empty pint glass under it, thus solving the problem. I then made the astonishing realisation, though, that I could use the bathroom in our room for my pending ablutions. What a pleasant way to finish the festival day. Life was sweet. There was a man in our bathroom, though, fixing the sink.

The water we had seen was from our own room and the carpet was wet. We couldn't change rooms as the hotel was obviously full. Oh well, he's fixed it. Who cares? More beer, sleep, hot breakfast, festival Saturday. My next realisation was that it was Saturday afternoon. The forthcoming bands were a bit lacklustre

and I had a TV in my room. Fifty minutes later, I'm sat in my underpants eating crisps and watching Jeff and the Boys on Sky Sports. Now this is festival going, I thought, as I devoured a Cadbury's chocolate product.

My mate was sat in a muddy field watching rubbish. I wandered into the bathroom to wash my hands though and clunk, the tap came off in my hand. Oh no.

Water shoots up from the empty tap fixing to hit the ceiling and cover me in water. The blast is continuous and we're probably looking at a lot of litres per second or whatever they measure

water pressure or velocity in. I imagine that the water pressure in a hotel is, you know... Has to be quite strong. Has to be quite strong because it has to service a lot of rooms. So we are talking

fucking Omega video game Pipe Mania. Well, allow Geoff to pick up the story. He says, I'm drenched from head to toe in my underpants and the bathroom is now under a couple of inches of water in only a few

seconds. I leg out of the room and run down to reception, arriving gasping and looking like drowned vermin. The receptionist doesn't even look up and casually asks, can I help you, sir? I explain there was a water-based emergency, like now. She says she'll try and find someone to help,

managing not to convince me in the slightest that she has any intention of doing so. When I look around in despair, I see water pouring from every spotlight fitting in the dining room as people are enjoying their late lunch. I press upon the receptionist that time is very much of the essence and that also I typically wear a lot more than just sodden underpants as a matter of course. If she'd be so kind as to get some help and a room key, at the very least, I would be very pleased.

She could probably stop. Fucking festival goer. Yeah. She did. Probably office face on bitumen. What? Bitumen? That's what you use to fix a shed roof, isn't it?

Well, I wouldn't put it past those festival goers. Apparently, she did help. He quickly got changed and went back to the field with his tail between his legs. They did actually seem to fix it this time, but the lesson here, kids, is never ever think you've found a life hack because life has its own way of kicking you in the balls. Could you not have redirected the water into the bath?

Yeah, he probably wasn't thinking on his feet like that. He's not such a calm man under pressure like you, Pete. Or possibly look. I presume every tap has a little stopper underneath don't they a little stop tap stop tap tap underneath

underneath yeah I've got one of those in my house I don't know if you definitely have one in the hotel I think at that point kicking if it was like a bath

kicking the side of the bath open is allowed it's a terrible move kick the bath how's that going to work what's that going to do kick the side of the bath open and there should be

a secondary tap underneath like a stop cock there will be the bath open and there should be a secondary tap underneath. Like a stopcock, basically. There will be a stopcock, yeah. There will be a stopcock somewhere in the room. There just has to be. I enjoy saying stopcock. You've got to be able

to isolate the water to one room. It would be insanity not to. I remember when I lived in the flat before this one, I lived on the first floor. The landlord lived downstairs and one day, inexplicably,

and it's lucky because I could have just gone out, the washing machine started overflowing and the tap to turn the water off wouldn't move. It's like it'd been painted shut.

Uh-oh. So I basically had to... Spanner in the house. Get a spanner in the house, mate. Well, it wasn't really like that. It was like a... It's like a weird shaped handle. Anyway, it was painted.

It was painted open. And so what I had to do was leg it and get my mobile phone what I had to do was leg it and get my mobile phone call my now ex-girlfriend get her to come home to help me

in the meantime essentially stand there for about an hour with the washing up bowl collecting the water and just pouring it down the sink

for an hour I was absolutely knackered by the end of it my arms were so bad like you were in like a boat on a boughting lake that was rapidly losing all integrity. And then luckily the handyman was able to come in

and sort it out. The randy man! Yeah, and then it was a porn film. You've got a problem there, mate. Because that's how these things work. Oh, you're so wet and tired. Let me give you a massage. Why have you got a husband's bulge?

What? A husband's bulge. A husband's bulge, and tired. Why are you naked? Let me give you a massage. Why have you got a husband's bulge? What? A husband's bulge. A husband's bulge. Is that a thing? Erection, isn't it? It's like a... What? It's like a thing

for an erection. Speaking of landlords and landladies, there was... When I was in Korea, I got my favourite, or one of my favourite test Airbnb reviews,

which is part of my Instagram story, which you may have seen, Luke. I didn't see it, I don't think. I'll get it up. Basically, this Korean lady who runs the Airbnb in Jeju, and she was very...

She was on it when it comes to labelling every fucking thing in the house. Like, everything in the house. I've never done Airbnb, so what do you mean? Well, labelled, like, every tap, every light, every boiler. What, just the label saying tap? Literally.

Literally that. Like, this is the light. In English? In English and in Korean. Right. And also, I think, in Chinese as well. She was very diligent. But this is the review

from Yvette which I don't think is her actual name because Koreans and Chinese they adopt western names sometimes don't they

right okay Pete and his friend Craig was excellent guests they are gentle England men which will annoy Craig because he's Scottish and friendly

to my little baby oh that's cute well a little baby I mean who's horrible at babies no exactly it's the least you expect right I'm only giving them four stars

because he clipped my baby around the head that's a cute little baby there are still some cute little babies out there oh I love a cute little baby that feels to me like it's a good time to end this show oh I love a cute little baby put your feels to me like it's a good time to end this show.

Oh, I love a cute little baby. Put your top back on. Yeah, good point. I'm a man without a top. And let's get out of here. If you want to get in touch with us, it's hello at lukeandpeachshow.com. We'd love to hear from you. There's loads of emails to get through.

Apologies to those who haven't had this read out yet. We've got a bit of a backlog. We will get there, we promise. Please take the time to leave us a review on iTunes or wherever you get your pods Google, Podcast or Apple or whatever and we will see you again

in just a few days time Peter say goodbye goodbye and apologies to all of your little babies we haven't been nice to and it's goodbye from me

and Pete's forehead and peak forehead.