The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 9: I Would Not Like to Have My Own Personal Lift

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

A man who only eats roadkill dominates proceedings this week, as Pete spends a large part of the show complaining about his neck. It's starting to become a problem part of his body and he's also worried about curvature of the spine. Osteopaths, get in touch!Meanwhile, someone has discovered a creepy radio station that only broadcasts callsigns interspersed with a woman screaming, someone wants advice about higher education from a man who spent his university years playing bad computer games and listening to Macy Gray (Pete) and a man who is starting to not bother to dress himself properly (Luke). Also, John Titor, Dunkirk, a man getting drunk on a plane (again) and a load of other old rubbish. Deal with it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

right then flavor flavor this is uh luke and pete summer slash luke and pete shore what episode are we looking at right now uh luke episode nine episode Episode 9. You've got to keep an eye on the numbers. I'll keep an eye on those lovely legs you've got out today. We're like the Fast and the Furious. It's really not short weather today. Well, do you know what? I'm maneuvering myself around London. It's a hefty frame.

In your cart? Yeah, I just get hot. Do you know what? I just get hot. I'm getting to the point now in my life where I am thinking about, when it comes to clothing, I'm thinking about function over style. Right. I never realised that was a concern, Luke, I must say.

Well, fair enough. Those Japandroids t-shirts. I haven't worn... What? You've got a reputation of having... I haven't worn band t-shirts for, like, years and years. You always wear band t-shirts. Come on, let's stop being silly now.

You're the one who tells me off for having to go out in your clothes. Well, I just thought I'd start in the way. We're going to go on. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Millip. Luke, I'll level with you, and I'll level with the listeners. I gave myself a neck injury. Yeah. On Monday, and I go and see

a doctor. Didn't you have a rib removed recently? That's how I hurt my neck. Yeah. Just go on that extra inch. Yeah. And I hurt my neck and they've given me some painkillers.

Oh. He said, oh yeah, no, they're quite strong. They're like a weak opiate. I was like, mate,

I don't care. Did you have to do that thing where as you're a recovering addict you can't have them? Because you have to just take the pain. Like Doug Stamper in House of Cards.

But I thought, what I would have preferred you to do on this, I know you're on pain killers, and I know you've had a difficult few days, joking aside. Well, I've been doing radio shows where I'm slavering around the place. I'm not saying my words properly.

But that's the thing, that's going to bring me on to this. I was hoping you would do this show without saying anything, because I imagine you've had absolutely no notice or no complaints at all on your other show. So no one's going to know because you're quite an off-the-wall type broadcaster, aren't you?

People won't even notice. Yeah, I did... What did I do today? I went off on one about the most laddish oi-oi songs in pop music. Fratelli's Chelsea Dagger. Chelsea Dagger, Hard Fire, Living For The Weekend. Yeah, big time. That kind of thing.

Big time. Anything by Kasabian. Anything by Kasabian, yeah. Big time. I didn't even mean to do it, though. I just went off on one maybe i should uh self-medicate before a radio show more often well i think you might just be getting older yeah all right then the same way my clothing choices are now becoming um functional function overstar my vertebrae now misbehaving yeah you're going to get off the ghost i couldn't believe how much it hurt luke i couldn't sit up i couldn't sit lie down I couldn't sit, lie down.

I was like, am I just going to have to, like, go to sleep sitting up? Like, standing up, sort of, all the time now. My friend's dad has to go to sleep sitting up, and he has done for years. That is miserable. Yeah. What a miserable life. Yeah, it's not great. No.

I was going to, oh, yeah, on the vertebrae thing, I think there's some sort of... I've got loads, mate. I think, well... Back full of them, mate. Yeah, you've got a few spare. I think there's some sort of... I've got loads, mate. I think, well... Back full of them, mate. Yeah, you've got a few spare. I think there's some sort of evolutionary thing with the spine anyway, whereas I think when the discovery of...

Comfortable business chairs. No, microbiology or whatever, so they could treat antibiotics, essentially, which hugely extended people's life expectancy. Evolutionary speaking, I don't think the spine has kept up. I think the spine's only designed for like 35 or 40 years. Oh, no. So you're on the way out, big boy. I think the spine's only been designed for like 35 or 40 years. Oh, no.

So you're on the way out, big boy. Get a new spine. How old are you now? 36. Exactly. Bang on the money. Bang on the money. I'm out of here.

Yeah. I just always thought that tall men, they have a lovely time on the old internet dating, because all girls like a tall man on internet dating. Yeah. They're not even going to entertain the idea of going out with somebody shorter than six foot. But then, with a shorter man, you think, well, you know, you're going to get a bad back later on, aren't you, tall lad?

Yeah, because of the curve. I thought it was the concern of the tall man, but it turns out a five foot eighter can get it as well. Yeah, I worry about how much I lope when I walk as I get older, because I'm tall. Have you got a very distinctive gait? I don't know, really. Are you like Mr. Soft in that butter outfit? No, no, no.

But it's hard. That was soft mints, yeah. Yeah, soft mints. But, you know, I can't really tell you about my own walk because it's hard to see your own walk, but you'd have to tell me about it. You've got quite a sort of low... You're a bit of a loper, actually, for a short man.

Yeah. But you wouldn't consider yourself short, would you? You can tell by the way I use my walk. I'm a woman's man. Not time to talk. But you wouldn't describe yourself as short you get annoyed when i call you short i think i'm uh an inch under uh average okay i thought average is five foot uh eight but i think it might be five foot nine it's gonna go up all the time when i went to the when i went to the far east for the first time i thought hey i'm gonna be well. You get there and you're like, no. Average height.

Literally average height. Shall we get on with it? Let's get on with it. It's been... It's been... It's been... Why isn't that louder? Well, because some of them are loud and some of them are... It's been...

Thank you. That's too loud, if anything. If anything, that was too loud, yeah. Yeah, too loud. But I would prefer it loud so people know what we're actually doing. Because I think by that point, people would probably be nodding off. Yeah. So get them a bit of volume, wake them up again.

I mean, this week, what I've been doing is taking painkillers and kind of rolling around the house. Did I tell you last week when I went to America and bought some Rosa Parks dog tags? You talked about it, yeah, in the last week. Well, I received the dog tags from a friend who had them with him. And let me tell you, they are beautiful. You haven't got one at the moment. I haven't got one. No, because I them with him, and let me tell you, they are beautiful. You haven't got one at the moment. I haven't got one at the moment, no, because I don't feel it's the time, so to speak.

Fair enough. I went to see Dunkirk at the cinema. Oh, yes, good. Very good. Really enjoyed it, yeah. They showed a veteran It, a 97-year-old veteran of that particular situation, It, and he was complimentary in the most depressing way possible. Right, okay. Well, I mean, I heard a couple of complaints about it. One is that the audio wasn't good enough

and you couldn't hear people speaking, but I didn't really get that at all. You get that sometimes with modern cinema. Remember when that Metallica album came out and you couldn't hear a lot of what was going on because of the way it was mixed or something? Death magnetic, yeah. You've got to be careful.

Well, at the risk of a digression, modern sound recordings on albums are recorded at such a high volume compared to older records. It really is noticeable. I think Metallica, that Death Magnetic record, was sort of the apex of that. But on the Dunkirk thing,

people were saying the audio... Rick Rubin was not involved. No, he wasn't. No, I don't think so. Not at any point. But there's not actually a huge amount of dialogue in it. Have you seen it no no no

I mean it's probably the film with the least amount of dialogue I've seen for certainly since the talkies came in fucking the day yeah

but it's an excellent movie I've really enjoyed it I also read it I read an article about how it was actually quite historically inaccurate on a number of key elements but I didn't really care about that

I mean it's an entertainment piece so well I mean entertainment as in harrowing depiction of the war well it's a movie you go to the movie theater to be entertained though you don't because you're morose but most people are going to be entertained i saw two things there last week i saw planet of the eps war for the planet of the eps the final in the trilogy i heard that's very good it's incredible like unspeakably good but it's one of the situations where i had to do it for a promotion at work and i basically had the choice of all the videos all the videos the old videos

all the films i could have gone to see and i really wanted to see uh both dunkirk and planet the ebbs but as soon as they said you've got to only see planet the ebbs you can't see dunkirk i was like i want to go and see dunkirk yeah but oh. Yeah. But, oh my days, what a piece of work. I mean, for a good half an hour, I forgot that I'm watching things that aren't actually in the actual scene itself. That's the thing with films these days, it's getting more and more realistic, isn't it? Well, the annoying thing is, I think,

when I don't have a visual effects background, but I know people who work on that kind of thing. Yeah. And when Circus gets all of the plaudits from his performance and stuff like that, you're forgetting millions and millions of people spending millions and millions of hours making every last follicle on a chimpanzee's head look good.

You know, it's an astounding piece of work. So I've not seen the third one, but the first one I thought was very good. The second one I could take or leave really. The second, that's what everybody is saying. The third one is a piece of work. And because it's called War for the Lanky Apes, everyone thinks it's going to be this big war film.

But it's not. It's more of a road movie, really, to a certain extent. And maybe like a jail escape kind of thing. But yeah, well worth a watch. I also went to see Daniel Kitson as well in The Roundhouse. Now that, if you're a fan of stand-up, if you're a fan of theatre at all, to be honest, it's a real, it's a beautiful piece of work.

Yeah, I got a message out of the blue, well, not out of the blue, I got a message out from Ben, aka Doc Brown, who did the theme tune for this show, saying that he thought he went to see Kitson and he said it was absolutely ridiculously good. It was so good.

I mean, because I've read a couple of reviews, I do like Daniel Kitson. I'm not a huge fan of stand-up comedy generally but i i do like daniel kitson and i saw him once um above a pub it was like a secret type show that he did and he was it was fantastic and i've liked him since then this was years ago um but i saw a couple of reviews of the daniel kitson thing is it the roundhouse yes yeah and he said it was uh and people were sort of giving it quite quite a few mixed reviews he i think i think i think earlier in the run he maybe had some problems with his lighting cues, because I think he's basically got a clicker which changes the lights every time.

And I think, presumably, you only get the practice doing it on the job effectively. You've got to walk and chew gum at the same time, just like he said. And there was another review by a Guardian journalist possibly on this blog uh people uh and she was very offended by the fact uh he used he used the p word a couple of times but genuinely i'm always i always go down on the side of uh of a ethnic minority in the institute like that but she missed the point of the whole thing and she and i think And I think sometimes when people are that gifted and that dedicated to being right on, I think they earn a certain level of leeway to explore those ideas without just being offended by hearing the P word. So I was disappointed by the piece that was written

because it was a bit of a hatchet job and it just didn't it missed the point of the whole thing to want to yeah I don't I haven't seen it he's an incredible

performer I agree I saw him on a matinee or whatever but it was just easily the best bit of stand up I've ever seen in my life

incredible work so well done as a above average performer yourself you are really well qualified to sort of comment on that well I mean the last time we were on stage

Luke I had a dildo strapped to my crotch and a dog's leather mask on my head I was with you for both the purchases you were indeed shall we move on to the main part of one week do you want to kick off shall I go first

I've read through a load of emails this week of one week as we start to call it now alright then do you want to kick off shall I go first yeah alright then I've read through a load of emails this week we're getting an astonishing amount of emails very grateful for them as well a few about St Kilda not heard of anyone

obviously based on last week's show we talked about the island of St Kilda off the west coast of Scotland not heard of from anyone who's been there yet sadly enough

I hold out hope but a few people got in touch about it but I was particularly interested about this email, which has nothing to do with St Kilda, from Connor Clancy. Now, Connor is a old sort of, not colleague, but we've worked with him before. You won't remember, Pete, because you're terrible with names,

but he is the guy who put us on with the Ramblin' Dublin a couple of summers ago. Yes, I know Connor Clancy. He tweets every now and again. Right, okay, fine. He emailed in about a guy called Arthur Boyt. And Arthur Boyt is the UK's leading roadkill connoisseur. Right. He essentially lives in Cornwall in a place... Of course he does.

If I was going to pick... If I was going to pick one place in the UK... I should have given you a chance to guess. He lives in Cornwall. And I'm actually off to Cornwall soon. Enjoy the roadkill. Yeah, he's just sold it to me. But no, he lives just on roadkill, basically.

And I did a little bit of digging around about him and I found a documentary, like a mini documentary on Vice, who do great documentaries, by the way. I mean, we know about their stuff generally, but they do great documentaries online as well. And they went and saw him. They don't pay their people very well.

Is that right? I'll stay out of that. Someone's gone freelance recently. Yeah. If you are listening, get in touch. I've worked for Vice before, so I'll work for them again. So have I, kind of. They paid me all right, so I can't complain. This mini documentary, about you are listening, get in touch. I've worked for Vice before, so I'll work for them again.

So have I, kind of. They paid me all right, so I can't complain. This mini-documentary, about 20 minutes long, was basically going to see Arthur and just working out sort of what he's all about, what he eats. I mean, it was... What he eats? Stuff off the road. It was awful. It was awful.

It was hard. It was 20 minutes long. It was hard to get through it. The best quote from it is, I'm just going to read it out verbatim, is, I ate a badger once that someone else had picked up because they wanted its skull. It was blown up like a horse on the western front

and it smelled horrible. When I cut into it, the flesh was green, but nevertheless I persevered and stewed it. It made the house smell like the old-fashioned mental hospital was used to, but boy, it tasted delicious. Right, two things there. Yeah. A man is clearly in a mental hospital. Yeah. Oh, two, it was green. Also, horse on the western front. No. That's not a reference for a beautiful meal, is it? No, not at all. He's in his seventies and he genuinely... That's inexplicable. He genuinely will eat anything. I mean, I don't

want to be mean about the guy, but... I want to get the guy who eats rations that we featured on earlier episodes. He's similar to that. Yeah. He, um, he says... He did say some interesting stuff. His freezer was unspeakable.

His freezer... His breath was probably unspeakable. At one point... At one point, he went into his freezer and the documentary makers were filming him going through his freezer, right? I'll give you a few highlights. Testes of a badger.

Why just the testes? Hang on, whoa, steady. How do we know they were... If they were just some disembodied testes, how do we know they were badgers? And we're both men who've been to the Icelandic Penis Museum. We are. Once you cut off an animal, I haven't got a bloody clue.

No, it's impossible. Could be anything. Well, he said it was hind legs of a cat. Hind legs of a cat, Pete. Did he talk them off? Hind legs of a cat, Pete. Also got a pet cat. So, he had a pet cat in the house, right?

And he said he would never eat it, but I would be worried for that cat and its chances of a respectful burial. That's all I'll say. Why just the hind legs? They showed the cat in a couple of shots. They're the springiest ones. And the cat is thinking, don't come near me. Do not come near me.

The cat's just trying to pretend that it's not very springy. I'm not jumping up or anything. The cat wants to remain alive at all costs. The cat's going to develop some sort of weekend at Bernie's style ruse to keep itself alive so it doesn't get eaten after it's dead. But, um, you know, at one, I mean, the whole documentary builds up to the sort of final scene where he eats, um, he has his, it's a bit Partridge, he has his brother-in-law and his nephew over. Right.

And he makes them a badger's head casserole. Yeah. It's not great. And, and, and clearly, you know, he does the Hannibal Lecter thing at the end? Where he starts going, ffff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff fff Oh, is that a joke? A little joke. And the documentary makers obviously made him do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not a little joke because he's got absolutely no R in it at all. Doesn't even make any sense because the whole point of Hannibal Lecter is he eats humans. Quite. Well, we all eat animals, so I mean- But Pete, but Pete, in the documentary- It's like me finishing a nice meal in like a fish restaurant and going, pah pah pah pah.

Well, let me give you some more context, then. In this, he actually says, at one point, I had a chance to get a human leg from someone I knew worked at a hospital, but I decided against it. So, you know, this man is... I mean, he's from Cornwall. He's out there. He is out there.

He did make an interesting point where he said, I'm against animals being killed specifically so I can eat them. Which I think is, and he also made a few points about people not knowing the provenance of where their meat comes from. Right, yeah, yeah. I do kind of agree that I don't like it when people who eat meat turn their nose up at certain kinds of meat. You know what I mean? I would never eat horse. It's like, well, what's the bloody difference between horse and a cow?

Where's the line? A friend of mine was in, a friend of mine, Tommy, I think you met once or twice, he was in Cambodia, and he did a little trail, a little trek through Cambodia, and the local guide went up and got, and he said, oh, look, you know, just get us, they were there at some sort of restaurant, or not even a restaurant, really, like a food cart thing, and he said, look, just get us whatever locals eat. And he brought back a selection, and one of the selections was dog,

and he said he didn't eat it and it felt weird yeah but i mean they're just they're slightly different animals to what we would be petting i suppose aren't they they're kind of farmed for that kind of situation it's still not great though is it it's still not great but i mean i i think it's a bit rich any pair of people who eat meat having a pop of people who eat dog i'm more guinea pig even the peruvians i'm more screamish about it than you you are a man who likes to get really tucked into the local food and stuff aren't you i do to an extent but when i was speaking that you mentioned the penis museum earlier which we've both been to separately um that's in iceland in iceland there's a local delicacy which is essentially fetid shark which is buried underground and sort of um stewed in its own urine for weeks yeah and i i mean there's nothing good

can come of that nothing good no somebody made the point that like somebody must have really wanted to eat that that shark because it's it's like they they take the skin and they bury it and then they they douse it and it just it just stinks like bin yeah i got disgusting when i was there i got the impression they sort of ham that up up a bit just for tourists. Oh yeah, nobody eats it day to day. It's not like a roll mop or anything. No. Roll mops are quite nice, I just go. We went on a, we did like a little live show in Oslo, didn't we? That guy turned up with some

roll mops and I ate one and my hands smelt of fish and vinegar all night. Yeah. Which is how I like it. What's your one week, Peter? Well, this one comes from George Wicks. It is kind of, we have got to the point where people keep suggesting really good ideas, and it can't just sit in the email section. I think it's important to kind of give them the opportunity to give them like...

I think there's two types of emails. I think, you know, you get emails which we read out in the email section, which is great, and they're nice and short and little vignettes, and there's emails that sort of, I guess, sort of spark more of a creative streak in us which make us want to investigate further. Yes, which is what I've done here, basically. That's what Connor did for me earlier. So, basically, George Wicks came up with this one.

He basically talks about this thing called the UVB-76. Right. It's known as the buzzer. Basically, it's a broadcast, a sharp, monotonous tone that happens 25 times a minute, it's a broadcast, a short, monotonous tone that happens 25 times a minute, 24 hours a day, and has done since 1973 on the AM frequency, right?

In Eastern Europe. I swear you'll be broadcasting your radio show. Occasionally, great health insurance. Occasionally, Russian voices can be heard playing over the transmission. A quick YouTube search search and the tone itself is actually quite sinister it's mysterious further enhanced because no one is 100 certain of the origin of the signal or what it actually means

so he sent a couple of links and i've had a look at look around uh further basically it broadcasts broadcasts on the frequency 4625 kilohertz uh It's a short, monotonous buzz tone, repeating again and again and again. The first reports of this station on this frequency is 1973. Its origins have been traced to somewhere near Moscow, I think it was. Right. What's the point of it? Well, we don't know. That's the thing. So here what's the point of it but well we don't know that's the thing

so here's a here's a basically a clip of it it's um the interesting thing about it at one point during this clip uh a woman's scream can be heard which is uh rather rather unsettling let me just get that there we go so that's the noise. Sounds like a foghorn. 25 hours a day, forever, since the 1970s. It's never stopped. It's never stopped. Let's see if you can hear the woman scream. Yeah, that's awful.

I don't like it. Absolutely awful. But then occasionally, there'll be some kind of call signs, kind of chords coming through. Nikolai. Anna. Ivan. Mikhail.

Ivan. Nikolai. Huh. So, Nikolai. Anna. Ivan. Ivan. Mikhail.

Ivan. You guys took one hell of a beating. It's really spooky and really weird, but it's just one of these things that's been happening since the 1970s. They found the old broadcasting station, or the one that they thought it was, because it got moved a little while ago, and it was near Moscow, it was Povarovo, I think it's called. But it moved in the last 20 years to somewhere else.

First detected in the 70s. And sometimes you hear distant conversations because it sounds like they've basically, instead of a system like a closed circuit system where a buzzer feeds straight into the actual broadcasting system, it sounds like there's a room where there's a buzzer and a microphone. So you can occasionally just hear people chatting and stuff like that, so there's little messages that are being heard, like, I am 143, not receiving the generator oscillator, that stuff comes from the hardware room.

I can get the feeling to make you feel better. I can get the regular generator to generate the feeling that makes you feel better. Oh, they were good. Holloway's, weren't they? I think so, yeah. I think their, um, uh, practice room burned down. Yeah. Nambucas on Holloway Road. Yeah, I remember that.

Uh, but, uh, they've never been heard on the, uh, What, Holloway's? On the, I've been heard anywhere for years. Um,

I think one of them died. This is true. That's a shame. That's a shame. This is, that's genuinely a shame. Yeah. This is really

one of the world's secrets, then, because if it's been going continuously without a break, um, since 1973, if you think of all the upheaval that's gone on the world um for the last however 40 almost 45 years now and that's incredible that it's still going i mean it reminds me of um have you heard of that thing i think i haven't got it in front of me but i think it's called the bloop which is like a really is that the deep sea thing yeah quite a well-known continuous bloop sound

the book looks like it's coming from the bottom of the ocean no one really knows Is that the deep sea thing? Yeah, quite a well-known continuous bloop sound. Looks like it's coming from the bottom of the ocean. No one really knows what it was. That's your mum. As far as I know, it just stopped after a while. It just stopped. And then Donald Trump came to power. What happened there?

There's two other Russian stations that follow a similar fart, nicknamed the Pip and the Squeaky Wheel. And apparently they just transmit a signature sound that is repeated constantly and then interrupted to relay coded voice messages. Fascinating, though. Who's that from originally? That was flagged up by George Wicks. Thank you for that, George. I spent a good few hours reading into that.

And that sort of thing spooks me the heck out. George is helping us whisper the world's secrets. I love it. I love it. Thank you for that. Shall we get on to the actual emails? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Okay, Luke.

Nope. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. I wish our plough system was a little bit more reliable, as reliable as the UVB-76. You will never get the volume right. That's just how it is.

You need to do some work experience over at that station. as reliable as the UVB-76. You will never get the volume right. That's just how it is. You need to do some working sprints over at that station. Nick White, Ivan, Mikhail. Yeah. Do you want me to go first? All right, then. I've only got... I've got two. No, I've got one.

I've got one. I've got one this week. All right. This one is from Mark in Barnsley. He says, Hi, chaps. Listening to Pete's anecdote about his US trip and specifically

the Getting Drunk on a Plane song. Was that last week or the week before? Might have been, yeah, last week. Because we didn't need my special before that, yeah. Yeah, that's true, yeah. He said, it reminds me of my very own experience regarding that song. In 2014, me and my then girlfriend, now wife, it's not a tragedy, it's a, it's a, love has saved the day. Very much the inverse of that whole story and on that song indeed which is basically about a man going on a honeymoon by himself because his wife has jilted him um

yeah indeed well these guys who are thankfully still together headed out to the states to conquer the iconic route 66 he says after a few hours of driving we were struggling to find a half decent radio station to listen to until we stumbled across a country music one the first song we heard the aforementioned drunk on a plane by dirk bentley we both absolutely loved the ridiculous of it ridiculousness of it all um so much so that halfway through the trip we bought his latest album to accompany us whenever i hear his name or the song it always takes me back to that trip keep up the great work mark um i looked into dirk um dirk bentley yeah um it's a weird name um he actually spells his name d-i-e-r-k as well which looks like d-i-e-r-k d-i-e-r-k d-i-e-r-k yeah um and interestingly enough pete and you'll love this dirk also holds a pilot license and his own private plane so he

shouldn't be getting drunk on his plane he's hoping he's hoping he isn't. But if he does and he's listening, just get him to try and do a barrel roll. Drunk or not. Pour in a bottle of schnapps while he does it to see if anybody notices. We should actually, we didn't actually pile

through the actual lyrics. Do you want to hear a couple of choices? I'm just Googling there. I took two weeks vacation for the honeymoon, a couple of tickets all inclusive down in Cancun.

I couldn't get my money back so I'm in seat 7A. I'm getting drunk on a plane. Okay. I bet the fella on the aisle thought I was crazy, because I taped your picture of the seat back right next to me. And now I've got empty mini-bottles filling both our trays. I'm getting drunk on a plane. This is so depressing. Buying drinks for everybody,

but the pilot, it's a party. Got this 737 rocking like a G6, stewardess of something sexy, lean and poor and coke and whiskey. Told her about my condition, got a little mile-high flight attention. It's Mardi Gras up in the clouds, I'm up so high I may never come down.

I'm trying anything to drown out the pain. They all know why I'm getting drunk on a plane. But it just sounds like a problem passenger, who, in his mind, is having an amazing time. And everyone's loving his company, but in reality, an air marshal is going to be getting on the plane when he lands. But he's got his own plane, so he can do what he wants. He can do what he wants.

He can absolutely do what he wants. It's even more depressing than when you go on a holiday on your own. Say again? This is even more depressing than when you go on a holiday on your own. Well, the final lines are, I'm getting drunk on a plane, I might be passed out in the baggage claim, but right now I'm drunk on a plane, which is very much how I end my holidays. Yeah.

So there we go. Have you ever lost your baggage? Uh, once a friend, once I got a friend to upgrade us who worked for a decent airline and... Not so decent anymore by the sounds of it. Bumped us up to Virgin. It was the sounds of it to uh virgin uh it was virgin uh to be to business class it was the best thing ever and my mate uh who didn't pay for his

flight i paid for him he was uh very upset he thought basically the man who was holding a card with his name on it uh was all part of the the the sort of business class experience that you get off a plane and a man has the word your name on your name on it but it was actually um we've lost your luggage oh really that's terrible very upset oh we got so upset but you got it was it um al yeah and so you guys are quite a similar size so he could probably borrow your clothes we just rent a uniclo in japan you can buy off the shelf us little little guys's brilliant Okay right I would better get any clothes in Uniqlo I'm getting dressed in Uniqlo

What email have you got Peter? Hi guys This is from Thomas Hello Thomas I was recently listening to episode 5 Pete asked why there are cosmonauts and astronauts This is because the word astronaut comes from the Greek Astron meaning star

And nauts meaning sailor Cosmonaut comes from the Russian cosmos meaning universe And the Greek nauts meaning sailor. Cosmonaut comes from the Russian cosmos meaning universe and the Greek nauts meaning sailor. Therefore, sailor on the stars versus sailor of the universe. Both pretty. They're really the same, though. Both beautiful. Yeah, very, very beautiful.

But I like how the Russians have overstretched, stretched further a little bit. P.S., though, I wrote this out because, I mean, obviously I should have known the original tenor of the man's argument, but I'm going to college next week and I'll be sharing with the roommate. How will I win him over to my side? I remember going to university for the first time and having to share a room in halls.

Did you have to actually share a room? That seems very American. Well, I think, for me, it was the case that if I didn't share and I paid my own room, it was really expensive. Right, okay. And I didn't share and I paid my own room, it was really expensive. Right, okay. And I couldn't really afford it, so I ended up sharing with a guy who, I haven't seen him since uni, to be fair. Yep, reason for that. No, we got on fine. We got on fine.

Lovely, yeah. To be honest, everyone in my halls was really nice. I had no problem at all. It was obviously, it wasn't unisex or anything like that. It was single sex. And everyone there, bar none, really, was really sound, so I got on the right. So you may not have to worry. How about you, Peter?

What's the Montfoot like for that? Well, we kind of had... I spent most of my time in my room playing the video game Carmageddon and listening to Macy Gray's debut album, Eating Food Alone. So that's how I spent my first year. Did you have your own room? I had my own room, yeah.

Why were you listening to Macy Gray? And then one time I... What? Because it was brilliant. And one time I tipped TCP in my cupboard and the whole of the room just smacked of TCP for a whole year. Jeez, this is a...

Did no have no sex. We got... Did no make no love in there. We got a tweet the other day saying, I can't remember what it's from now, saying, catching up with Luke and Pete show

and I've learnt so much about Pete Donaldson. There's another one for you. Yeah. There's another one. I didn't even know that about you. TCP.

Stinking of TCP. It's almost like you were trying not to make friends. Macy Gray, Carmageddon. Was that that sort of destruction derby type game?

Yeah, a little bit and it was like really 90s and really nasty. The actual kind of production of it was like really sort of like, you know, really heavy guitar metal riffs and stuff yeah let's get dirty and just in case other human beings weren't put off by those two things yeah along comes the tcp seal

the deal oh so never mind um i uh my mate uh in a shared house once brought home one of those um pistachio dispensers that he stole from a nightclub. That was very popular. That was a really popular move. Little sort of, um, almost like mini Pringle type tubes of pistachios. I remember those, yeah. No, but like a bit like, you know, like you would, um, I don't know, uh, Skittles, like

a Skittles dispenser. One of those big ones. Oh, okay. It's all one vessel. Okay, right. It's like a water cooler filled with pistachios. How did he get that home? I don't really know how he stole it, or got it home, to be honest.

But pistachios for at least three days, and then we were just stuck with the nonsense. I once, this is a story I probably shouldn't be telling, but I'll do it anyway. I worked behind the bar at the Student Union, and it was like a campus bar, so it was very quiet some nights. Obviously, Wednesday night was always sports night and whatever, but certain nights it was like a campus bar, so it was very quiet some nights. Obviously, Wednesday night was always sports night and whatever, but certain nights it was very quiet and I only had two members of staff on. It was me and a friend of mine

and I won't name him so he doesn't get in trouble. And we just decided one night, because obviously we were 19 and stupid, let's just get drunk. So we got drunk, got really drunk and ended up just mucking about,

doing stupid stuff just drinking loads of free drinks which you weren't allowed to do they wouldn't even give you one free drink there but anyway late on that night we saw

that they had a camera behind the bar right and we were like oh we are in such trouble now we're gonna get fired and all this other stuff so we spent ages

trying to think about how to we sort of thought the video because it would have been like a VHS thing. Yeah, it must have been somewhere in the vicinity. It was in the manager's office,

but I think it would overwrite like every couple of weeks or something like that. Right. So we were thinking about whether to try and get the tape or just let it play out. We let it play out. It's like Metal Gear Solid. We didn't hear from it about it again.

Right. I think the camera might have been faked, luckily. But, yeah, that wasn't the best thing to do. So, to the emailer, what's his name again? Thomas? Thomas, yeah. It'll be fine, don't worry about it. It's always fine. Going on the student union, it's fine. But Pete didn't have any mates by the sound of it, and he's doing fine, though.

No, I once went back when I was really struggling for cash when I worked at another radio station, and I DJed a, like a, it was like a sports college. The University of East London, they're really kind of sporty. That's where my wife works. Well, there we go. There we go. And I think I've probably told you this story, but I've not told the podcasters because it's

fucking horrific. Yeah. I was DJing a rugby night. Now, there was like a, kind of like an auction going on Where they would auction off the lads To the girls to do tasks and stuff like that It was all very tawgy To the highest bidder you'd auction off people Anyway, they also had this conceit

Where they had a Because they were rugby lads And they were like, bants, bants, bants, session, session, session They had like a rugby ball filled with cement And they would manacle it To that person's foot or arm And they would have to carry the rugby ball filled with cement. And they would manacle it to that person's foot or arm, and they would have to carry the rugby ball around while they drank and while they had a night out. Right.

And each player would have it for 20 minutes each. But if they put it down to pee or to drink or to talk to somebody on a table or a floor, they would have a forfeit. So they'd have to do shots, or they'd have to drink the rest of their pint, or they'd have to drink a dirty pint or whatever. Is that what you all would look forward to, Thomas? That's what you've got to look forward to. Anyway, they'd have to drink the rest of the pint or they'd have to drink a dirty pint or whatever that's what you gotta look forward to anyway so it came to the point where uh it's the auction and i'm playing a i can't remember who did it might be lady hawker so some band did a cover of uh i got all the girls i got all the girls yeah

um but the boy version is like a switch switcherood boy version it might have been Ladyhawk or one of those bands where it's like I got all the boys I got all and I was basically administering an auction you were the auctioneer

in this situation I was the auctioneer basically and all the lads were like dressed in kind of tutus so they were like in a state of undress

they were basically in their pants but at one point I'm on stage I'm selling to the highest bidder, a young black kid with a manacle chained to a really heavy weight in his pants. Connotations. And I'm like, this does not look good. No. For me, the university, I'm selling it to, selling the guy to the highest bidder. If someone comes in, just out of context, takes a Polaroid.

I know! Takes a Polaroid. I'm selling a man manacled to a wit. Yeah, it's not great. Not great. It's not great. So, in summary... Did you get paid? No, but I didn't take any of the money that he was going to make. Did you give the money to charity?

That's outrageous. Listen, Thomas, that's just a couple of university stories. Yeah, don't sell modern slaves. And university stories from old men like us are almost always boring, so we'll leave them there. No, they're pretty much always horrific. Yeah, basically, yeah. They're pretty much always horrific. Have you got any more emails?

I've got one more email. Hi, guys. Who's this from? It's on the next page. Hello, James. Hello, James. Hi, guys. I've been listening to the show for the past few weeks

and felt this poo story would tick all of the boxes. No, I don't want a poo story. No, you'll like this one. Okay. You always say that. Here, it's all about poo, a favourite topic of the show so far. Not a favourite topic. Two, it's genuinely interesting and could be men Carter worthy.

Three, Luke won't be grossed out. Can I just say, I'm happy to hear it on that basis, but it's not a favourite topic of the show. It's a favourite topic of the listeners who always email in about it. We mentioned it once in like episode one or something. We're leading the witness. Objection. We're leading the witness. Yeah, objections.

Objections. We're leading the shitness. Sustained. Carry on. My sister studies biologic sciences at university and recently told me about poo prints. Apparently similar to a fingerprint, everyone has a unique and distinctive poo,

which can be attributed to them. Inside our bodies, microbes live in giant communities called microbiomes, which sounds adorable. Sounds like the animals that were in Fraggle Rock. Sounds like the new Stephen King, though, wouldn't it? And whilst inside, they take on our biological likeness. When we poo, all of these microbiomes are present, and it's these that can be tested, compared, and stored. So one day, similar to the fingerprint register police use, there could be a giant bank of poo prints.

Huh. So there we go. That is quite interesting, really. Well, there's a PS. There's a little epilogue. Okay. Epilogue. Hey.

At my work, there is a designated lift, which is solely reserved for the owner of the company. It's activated by a special key and is the only lift that can gain access to the 10th floor, upon which I believe he has some sort of apartment. Now that's a fuck you to the worker, isn't it? Does he work for Tony Stark? I'm not having this. Do you work for Iron Man? Terrible, isn't it? It's sort of like he's having a video game. As a result, the lift is mainly on the ground floor permanently and the doors are programmed to remain

open, presumably to let others know that it's unusable. Anyway, as you may have guessed, a rogue shitter struck and did his or her dirty business all over the lift, much to the officer's delight. The owner is a great air tosser, and if that wasn't impressive enough, the lift is made entirely of glass on one side

and looks out onto a huge foyer, including a main desk with at least three reception staff and security on there at all times. What? Full stop. A. Full stop. Hero. Full stop. Best, James. What performance from the poor A? Full stop. Hero? Full stop. Best? James. What performance from the poor?

Does James live in the Marvel universe? Terrible. Sounds like it. Yeah. This is the only sort of, I mean, I don't support or endorse that behaviour. No.

But at the same time, I do understand that the person who must have that own sort of personal lift must be a bit of an idiot. So I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. No, I would not want to have my own personal lift, however rich I got personally.

No, there's no chance, mate. No chance. No chance. I'm very much like Elvis. When I went to see Elvis, Elvis' house, it was very humble. He had a lot of televisions and also a lot of figurines of chimpanzees and monkeys and stuff. Right on my strata, Luke.

Yeah, could have been your home from home. We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad without mum and dad, we'll both look after Luke. I saw my mum and dad at the weekend. Where did that come from? Well, if I feel sad without mum and dad, you'll look after me. I saw my mum and dad at the weekend, so I'm not sad. Are your mum and dad elephants? Are you Baba, the aristocratic cartoon elephant? What was that all about? It was a horrible little- Can you imagine like a kid, can you imagine a kid right now of our age, let's say, who's favourite cartoon was Baba? You know, I do remember it.

Or Orvid's video. I liked Orvid. Yeah, but it's not your favourite though is it? It's still unlovable. It's like Supergrass. Alfred J Quack, crap. Supergrass are a good band but they're no one's favourite band. it for the money it was a very i like him no i like him i'm not having a go at them i'm just saying they're not really anyone's favorite band are they no anyway do you want me to do uh main carter entry shall we get into mankata then yeah okay let there be justice for all Justice for all. Let there be peace for all.

That's one small step for man. You don't understand. Willie was a salesman. Say simply, very simply, with hope. Good morning. The emails are still coming in. Yeah. Look at that blosh.

I've never chosen that jingle now. I know, right? I got so excited about using the word N-Carter in something. Possibly my favourite learning or lesson from this show so far has been that we heard the Neil Armstrong One Small Step for Man there quote, is that Neil Armstrong was, of course, the first man to step foot on the moon. Yeah.

But Buzz Aldrin, the great Buzz Aldrin, possibly the world's best living human being, was the first person to urinate on the moon. Great right hook on him as well. Absolutely. I was on air and I noted that, because it was moon day, wasn't it, last week? That's right.

Where we celebrate the 48th anniversary of the moon landings. And I basically made the point that you know how bad the world is that we're celebrating the 48th anniversary of something. I mean, talk to me when it's like 2019. Did you get a lot of stick for it? I got one talk to me when it's like 2019. Did you get a lot of stick for it? I got one man tweeting me, the moon landings were the greatest achievement of humanity, you dick.

Was that me who tweeted you that? So I agree with that tweet. But then I was going, alright mate, back in your box. I'm just making the point that why are we celebrating the 40th anniversary? And then I got a load of other tweets going, I don't think it ever happened. And then a load of moon truths going on. And I read them out and then people going, I don't think it ever happened. And then a lot of moon truths going on.

And I read them out, and then people going, no, I think it definitely did happen. I'm not denying that the moon landings happened. Before you know it, you're the new host of InfoWars. Terrible. Alex Jones. I think, I mean this in the nicest possible way. I'm Neil Rush Limbaugh. And I hope you'll take this in the spirit in which it's intended,

but I don't think someone with your achievements should really be commenting on the moon landing. Well, they always tell us that our mobile phones are more advanced than all of NASA's computers back in the day. Apparently, a lot of the code written for that to happen, the computer code, was written by hand. Some NASA dude died uh quite recently and they were doing a house clearance and they found loads of old nasa computers that he would that

somebody from nasa went yeah you can have that steve have you heard of um that's quite cool isn't it well just just really old magnetic tip big old you'd love that wouldn't you i would my pants have you heard of a guy called not well, not a guy, but I guess like an internet... Jonathan Magnetic Deb. No, an internet sort of phenomenon or incident called John Titor. John Titor? Have you heard of that? No. Okay, I'm freestyling.

This is off the dome piece. Whoa, steady. If I get some of it wrong, forgive me. A number of years ago, on quite a sort of influential, science-y chat forum, a guy popped up with the username John Titor and claimed to have travelled from the future. Oh, right, okay. Back to the present day,

and gave a list of things to prove, in quotes, how he was a time traveller, basically. Yes, okay. And a couple of bits and pieces. And he actually come up with a few quite interesting pieces of knowledge that not many people would know. And it was something like about, bits and pieces and he actually come up with a few quite interesting pieces of knowledge that you wouldn't have known that not many people would know and it was something like about it was about

a particular type of ibm computer which was used to to open up i don't really know the details you know more about the me he came he came back from the future with some really boring information what he was saying was which made it interesting was that there was a load of computers that needed to be sort of defragged or something like that or hacked into and you need to come back and get an old one two very different things whatever defragging and hacking i told you i'm freestyling but anyway the point the point is a lot of people are going oh god this is quite interesting and they listed a load of um things that would have happened would happen by year by year by year right uh none of them came true so so hang on what are we celebrating here how do do you, like, why is he famous?

For a while he was convincing enough to have his own Wikipedia page. Okay, right. And then, I think he was then saying stuff like, oh, well, it depends on the timeline you're on, because the grandfather paradox and all this other stuff. In the infinite worlds theory from, what's his name, Hugh Everett's infinite worlds theory, infinite universe theory and stuff. Anyway, it's quite's Infinite World Theory. Infinite Universe Theory and stuff.

Anyway, it's quite interesting, but it just made me think of it. Yeah, in the future, I'm actually married to a supermodel, so you may as well marry me now and then just make it true. She goes to another school. Mankata, finally. I'm going to use... This is from Nick, actually. N-I-C, Nick.

I didn't take it. I don't think he signed off with his surname. Hi, Nicky boy. Give us what you got, yeah? He says, following the chat around prosopagnosia in last week's episode, that was with Duncan Bannatyne. Do you remember the inability to recognise faces? Somebody tweeted Duncan Bannatyne today.

Did you see that? I did see that, yeah. Going, did you see what those boys are saying about you on the podcast? Why do people do that? It's show-offs, aren't they? Well, show-offs, balls. I was going, what did we say about that? That's the problem, isn't it?

Can't remember. That's the problem, yeah. Bannatyne won't listen. No. He's worth 700 million or something. He's not going to care. He's busy pushing his commanding officer

off a boat. We only said, to be fair, that he had an ice cream van and according to his own website, he's got prosopagnosia and he was dishonorably discharged from the Navy. All of which is true.

Okay. Bring your law firm, Bannatyne. Anyway. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, badger's head. So if you can't remember what happened last week, prosopagnosia, St. Duncan Bannatyne, apparently suffers from, according to reports, and it's the inability to recognise faces.

So even if you know someone well, occasionally you cannot recognise who they are. Anyway, Nick says, following the chat around that, I'd like to present for Menkata another fascinating psychological phenomenon that may have passed you by. Synesthesia. Do you know synesthesia? I'm familiar with it, yeah. Okay, so for those who are listening who don't know. Short yes in short.

Anyway, and that's it. But if you're listening and you don't, it's a phenomenon in humans, Nick says, where one sensory pathway is joined with another sensory pathway. So when one is stimulated, the other is triggered involuntary. For example, sounds are experienced as colours. He says, I studied psychology at university. I remember watching a video in a lecture about a synesthete, which that's the name of people who suffer from it, who experience words as tastes and smells. And there was a video of him going on the tubes with Covent Garden Station, and he said,

Covent Garden tastes strongly of sausages. It sounds fake, but apparently it's real. So how many is he, German? Synesthesia is sometimes suggested as a source of genius, and certain great composers, Chopin and Liszt, experience sound as colour, and would choose chord progressions based on the shades and hue of the colour they saw while playing.

He said, maybe old news to you. Certainly old news to you, Pete, but thought it was worth sharing. It was fascinating. Keep up the good word, Nick. Now, Nick listed a, included a link to a list of some other notable synesthetes in his email and I thought you'd be interested, Pete, to know that the following people have apparently suffered

from synesthesia. Tori Amos. Oh! Remember her? Conflict girl. Never was a conflict girl. She has red hair, or, as I call it, sausage hair. Tell you what I'll do, I'll taste strongly of sausage. I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll list these people who've got synesthesia, and you can give me an alternative fact, a different fact,

not an alternative fact, an actual fact about them. Okay, right. So we're starting off. Tori Amos, you said red hair, that's fine. Yes, red hair. Next up, Michael Jackson. I think he used... Careful.

He had one silvery glove. Okay, there we go. Next up, this is a tough one, Duke Ellington, famous pianist. Uh, he... I have no facts about Duke Ellington. Okay. Richard Feynman. I don't even know who Richard Feynman is.

Fantastic physicist. Right. Apparently... What a fantastic physicist. Apparently he used to see equations in colours. Imagine that. He did, apparently. That is confusing. Marilyn Monroe.

She had a dress that would occasionally rise above her knee. There you go. Vincent van Gogh. Don't do the obvious one. Cut off his colourful ear. He actually used to see ears as colors and two easy ones to finish two more notable synesthetes to finish off kanye west just just invariably quite mad yeah and uh hans zimmer oh i have interviewed him okay

and the microphone didn't work oh dear and dear. And I didn't tell anyone. He's still waiting for that to come out. We've all been there. He did the music for Dunkirk, didn't he? He did, yeah. It's a very good soundtrack. He did. And also, I noticed that, what's that famous one he did for, not true, but what am I talking

about? True Romance. Yeah. Oh, did he do that? That kind of xylophone-y kind of thing. It's got used in so many things. Such a copy of another piece. Such a big copy.

Before we move on, and maybe even leave our listeners alone, I would say Dunkirk, to finish off with Dunkirk, to bookend the show, if you will, because Hans Zimmer's come up here. Yes. I would say it's the first film I've seen where the soundtrack is probably more important than the dialogue. Okay, yeah. Everyone's talking about how amazing it is.

It's very claustrophobic and very sort of affecting. I really want to watch it. I want to watch it in 70, is it 70 millimetres? Don't talk to me about that, mate. 70 millimetres. I watched it with, again, Tommy, you come up earlier on the show. Right. He works in that sort of business. He was talking about 35mm, 70mm and all sorts.

Shut your mouth, mate. I want to get a, I want to see a man's head come off. Just let me watch it. Yeah. I've heard it's got loads of bloody explosions in it. I've heard it's got a bloody bandalite in it. Yeah.

All right, then. Well, let's get out of here. If you want to get involved and do our job for us, because, to be quite frank, you've merely been doing the heavy lifting. The show's getting better. We've enjoyed it. It's hello at lukenpetershaw.comcom yeah and and do post as a review of our show if you like it on itunes i did

notice a review i don't tend to read below the line as they say very often because it's depressing um but we love all the reviews you'll get apart from one guy who said um the show is rubbish or something and if you want proof look at the shows they're just getting shorter they're getting shorter and shorter what's that what does that mean? I don't know. I'll take it up with him, mate. It wasn't like last week, it was like an hour or something. I don't know. Oh, well, never mind. Well, sorry. It feels like an hour. It feels like an hour, doesn't it? Well, this one's quite long, so. And you've got some extra singing from Luke at the end, which I'm going to paste in. Damn. Beautiful! Alright then, we'll see you very

soon. We'll see you next week. In fact, Mondays are Luke and Pete show days. Bye. Bye. Say your bye again. Bye. One day I'll get the levels right. They call me hanging Johnny. Away, boys, away. And they says I hangs for money.

And we'll hang, boys, hang. First I hung me mother. Away, boys away And me sister and me brother And we'll hang, boys hang Then I hung me father, away boys, away. And I'll strung him up with leather, and we'll hang boys, hang. Then I'll hong me granny, away boys, away. Away, boys, away. Then I'll strung her up so canny.

And we'll hang, boys, hang. Now we're all hanging together. Away, boys, away. And we'll hope for better weather. And we'll all hang boys all hang boys just sung your little song there little sea shanty the whole thing