The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 94: A parachute jump without a parachute is just a jump
Episode Date: August 30, 2018We're back, just like you said we would be. Let's get straight into it, shall we?A man enters the Guinness Book of World Records in a way that must surely mean he's tired of living, we discover a land... beneath the sea that we never knew existed, someone directly related to an Arctic Monkey gets in touch, and Pete lets us in to the nightmare that is his subconscious.Elsewhere, there's emails on tips for visiting the UK, the building in London that Hitler purposely avoided bombing, and a famous man visiting Hartlepool for the fish n chips, when in fact he should be sticking to his tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Saucy!To send us a lovely battered cod, it's hello@lukeandpeteshow.com***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
oh we've stayed in here too long look it's hot in here now isn't it it is sweaty boys i'll tell
you what it's hot oh i don't know it's white hot chatter reason do you think what it's like in here
pete but the chat version when like in a medieval fantasy,
when they're trying to make a sword,
and they put the hot metal in that water,
that's what it's like here.
It's all over the place.
There's bits of metal and bits of calcium going all over the gaff.
Welcome to the Luke and Pete show.
I am the Luke.
That is the Pete.
Say hello, the Pete.
Oh, I nearly burped then.
I've not eaten a banana today.
Have you got over your Japanese porn talk?
Because I think people are getting a bit fatigued
by that
I don't think they were
I was
I think they were enchanted
I was
enchanted
this is the show
where twice a week
we do a
I'm going to say
unplanned half an hour
about whatever takes our fancy
live and unleashed
sort of bookended
by your emails
and you're very welcoming
welcome in
enjoy the ride
it's very slow
and sometimes quite dull
but don't let that
hold you back
we have none of our
safety certificates
we require to run this ride
and we're not
going to do it anyway
and we're not doing
I haven't got one of those
tell you what we're like
we're like
one
quite bad
and one quite overweight
tightrope walker
together
on a tightrope
with no safety net
yeah
we don't give a shit
listen in watch us splatter ourselves all over the pavement.
You see that guy who jumped out of a plane?
I don't know why that jumped out of a plane.
Hang on a minute.
I've only got it on my laptop screen, Pete.
Yeah, you sent me this.
Give us the headline on the Twitter account that you're reading off.
A lot more interesting and less dirty
than the other Twitter account I was talking about last week.
Well, I'm going to give people a bit of background
because you and I have got beef here.
A bit of background with beef.
We've got history here.
Right.
You tried to embarrass me with those wingsuits that time.
Yeah.
Remember?
You rarely say something stupid,
so that's up there with you saying
that little man with the iron in the boxing ring,
the cut man,
he has a hot iron
to iron down the bruises.
Oh yeah,
did I say that as well?
It's really cold, isn't it?
I mean,
that's,
but the reason it sticks out
is that you rarely say stupid things.
And that's what upsets me.
My wife would not agree with that.
So anyway,
the background to this particular issue
is the fact that
I watched a video of a guy
scooting down the side of a mountain in a wingsuit.
Yep.
And I guess I thought in my infinite lack of wisdom that, um, he could just pull up
and sort of land.
Yeah.
And just walk off.
The more I think about that, the more I find that quite charming.
Yeah.
And the more I think, why can't he do that?
Yeah.
Could you not just do that?
Like on some water go up
and just use your body
but you eventually said
look grow up
you are going 100 miles an hour
yeah he has to put a parachute out
fine
understood
but we did see a video
of a guy doing it
without a parachute
and he landed in a load of boxes
yeah
but he's the only man
who's ever done that
in the world ever
so technically
I was correct
but that's the background to this
but anyway
some news broke
I think it was
last week now
maybe possibly
the week before
of a guy called
Luke Akins
who has become
the first person
to jump out of
an airplane
without a parachute
from 25,000 feet
now he lands
in a big net
it's in the
Guinness World Record
as essentially
as the first
complete planned jump
from an airplane without a parachute.
So I thought this happened about a year ago.
Or am I going mad?
Or did he just do it from higher, this guy?
I don't know.
Incredible, really.
Is the answer.
But if you watch the video, and it's available,
I mean, you can just Google it.
It's widely available.
It's been watched over five million times on Twitter.
He essentially jumps out like a normal-looking skydiver in the pose you'd expect just google it it's widely available um it's been watched over five million times on twitter um he
he essentially jumps out like a normal looking skydiver in the pose you'd expect with a load of
i guess experienced skydivers around him yeah who sort of maneuver him into position help him out
the video's got like a uh an altimeter at the side to show you how close to the ground he's getting
and obviously one by one they start pulling their parachutes, because they have to, and he carries on going. Eventually lands in what can only be described
as an absolutely giant net.
Yeah.
Which must be, actually, technically speaking,
it's nowhere near the ground, that net, for obvious reasons.
Yeah.
So, as he really completed it.
Anyway, he lands in the net.
But can I just say, it's quite a nerve-wracking video
to watch anyway, even though you know that he's going to be fine.
It gives you sweaty palms and all that.
But I can't be the only one
who noticed
that he did almost
miss the net
he's nowhere near
the middle of the net
he's probably about
I don't know what the scale is
but he's about
I don't know
a handful of pixels
from the side of the net
does he need to do it again
in his mind
he's going
I'm not doing that again
no but that was mental
that was nearly
absolute nightmare
I remember
the one you might be talking about
about a year ago
was that red bull one
where he jumped out
he chucked his parachute out
and jumped out after it
oh no no no
have you seen that one
same idea
maybe this guy
maybe this guy did it
a little while ago
and everyone just sort of
picked up on it maybe
can I also say as well
anyone here could do that
just depends on the size
of the net
what do you mean
if you had like a
mile
not even a mile it would have to be bigger than a mile if you had a net the size of the net what do you mean well if you had like a mile high not
even a mile that would be bigger than a mile if you hadn't met the size of a country anyone could
yeah there you go but i mean what well i'm just saying if the net was like 10 feet by 10 feet
yeah now you're talking now you're talking right but the red bull one the red bull one's worth a
watch as well so it's obviously sponsored by Red Bull and the plane's Red Bull
and a couple of people
jump out and skydive
and he looks at the camera
gives it like a gnarly
dude
radical dude sign
or whatever they do
these type of
adrenaline junkies
chucks his parachute
out the window
like gives it a thumbs up
and jumps out after it
and the video's him
chasing it
chasing his parachute
and he gets it
and lets it off
that sickens me
that sort of behaviour
sickens me tired of living of behaviour sickens me.
Tired of living, as my dad would say.
Tired of living.
So there we go.
He's got nothing on the ground.
He's got nothing on the ground.
I've got nothing to live for anyway!
Very good.
And also, Pete,
are you aware of a,
it's hard to explain,
but a thing, I suppose,
called Doggerland?
Doggerland?
Yeah.
Is that like Diggerland
where you can play on some diggers?
Sean Ramiobe and Sammy Amilby
went on it once
and it amused me.
Sort of.
Right.
So Doggerland
and I've never really considered this before
and I might be about to blow
some people's minds
but at the same time
I might be talking to people
who are going
yeah well obviously
everyone knew that.
Is it like hedonism too
but instead of being in the Caribbean,
it's people fucking on some waste ground?
Yeah.
So you know Creamfields?
No, basically, Doggerland is the name of a landmass
that is now beneath the North Sea,
but up until 6000-ish BC,
connected the UK with the rest of Europe.
So basically,
the UK traditionally
was part of the European
mainland, but due to
some sort of
incident, I think
it was something to do with
a flooding or a rising sea level
or something like that, was submerged
and now it's underwater,
which separates us from the mainland of Europe.
How thick so we could...
I mean, if it's 6,000, that's reversible, isn't it?
Build on it a bit.
Apparently, archaeologists have been down there and found stuff.
All I'm just saying, in this Brexit era we're living through,
it makes you think, doesn't it?
What do you mean it makes you think?
What makes you think?'t it what makes you think
what do you think
they had a vault
and sank it
in the 66,000s
yeah maybe
maybe
but apparently
it was first identified
in the early 20th century
as it existed
and it was definitely a thing
and then in 1931
a fishing trawler
dragged up
a barbed antler point
which dated to a time
when the area was I think in the Ice Age or something and then since then vessels have dragged up a barbed antler point, which dated to a time when the area was,
I think, in the Ice Age or something.
And then since then,
vessels have dragged up remains of mammoth,
lion, other animals,
and some prehistoric tools and weapons
to confirm, essentially,
that it was a big part of land
between the UK and what is now the Netherlands.
Ah, I thought that would sort of go that way
rather than...
Ah, fantastic.
Weird, right?
Did you not know about that?
No.
It feels like quite
well I obviously knew
that the UK was part of
a larger landmass
at some point
but I didn't realise
you thought it was
continental drift
or something like that
well no I just didn't realise
it was
well I mean
it's continental drift
and there'll be flooding
as well
but I didn't realise
it was as late as 6,000
so I only found out
about it about a week ago
do you think it's quite
a big thing to not know about?
Because I feel like it was one of those things where I was like,
Jesus, I really should know that.
Out of all, bearing in mind that I know about Joseph Lister
and the Cowboy Like Salt and that shit,
that would be probably more useful.
I'm talking to a man here who is on the record of saying
he wasn't sure how Jesus died.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward, round and backwards, I would say.
What can we learn from it?
Is it really an influential bit of activity anyway? Yeah. I'm looking forward, rather than backwards, I would say. What can we learn from it? Is it really an influential bit of activity anyway?
Yeah.
Not really.
There we go.
So there we go.
That's what's been floating
my boat this week.
And if you excuse the pun,
because there was a landmass there
and now it's not.
It's under the sea.
All right.
What have you got, Pete?
Well, I was just going to
press the button to go to emails.
So let's go to emails.
We've got loads of emails
to get through for Crying Out Loud.
Do it.
Okay.
On each step with Peloton.
From their pop runs to walk and talks,
you define what it means to be a runner.
Whatever your level, embrace it.
Journey starts when you say so.
If you've got five minutes or 50,
Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in.
Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs walks and hikes led by
expert instructors on the peloton app call yourself a runner peloton all access membership separate
learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running
the problem appears not in again this one god you're gonna report me for saying bugger you know
oh just wait till I see your mother.
You're in real trouble.
Oh, I say, what if she's going to go and see you?
Then tell her this.
Bugger-shaped fuck-sheet.
Fucking sphincter.
There we go.
The great Brian Blessings.
Fucking sphincter.
He's very similar.
Do you remember the guy who,
the Australian guy who was getting arrested?
A delicious Chinese meal.
A succulent Chinese meal.
That's it, succulent.
Succulent.
You wouldn't describe a Chinese meal as succulent
would you
no
not the ones I get
because you're trying to be
lemon chicken
very dry
as people
as regular listeners
to this show will know
that's your death row meal
isn't it
that is my death row meal
lemon chicken
shredded beef
what was the other thing
maybe some congee
I'm fond of a congee
yeah
I think I'll go
speculoos ice cream
on a nice Belgian waffle
love it
heavy
yeah
I'm about to be killed
you'd immediately vomit
I'm literally about to be killed
doesn't matter
you want to look good
I want to be so fat
they can't even put me
in the damn chair
my arm's so fat
yeah
right
what you got then Pete
I've got some emails mate
Mark Kazanov.
No, Matt Kazanov, even.
My eyes deceive me.
Listening to episode 89,
where you guys discussed how Bruges was not bombed
because it was too beautiful,
and you briefly mentioned there was a place in London
that was also intentionally missed.
That place is the Senate House Library in Fitzrovia.
I studied abroad in London last fall,
and we were given access to the library by UCL.
While on tour, they told us how it was purposely not bombed,
as Hitler eyed it up as his London headquarters
due to its size and relative strength.
The library is actually quite magnificent
and has a lovely great room,
which is an excellent place to take midday naps,
though not a great place to listen to podcasts
as sudden fits of laughter get you weird looks
from those in the midst of studying.
Thank you for that, Matt, but I don't like the way that you're kind of being lovely about one of our
buildings stop eyeing up our buildings matt leave your eventual base avoid it like hitler did when
the connecticons connecticons uh head on over over here can i use a swear word to describe them
connecticons yes that's beautiful. And mass holes from Massachusetts.
Put that on a t-shirt.
Is that an actual
thing?
Kineticunts?
Do they say that?
They don't use
the same word in
America, do they?
It's sometimes
touted as a laugh,
I think.
But that email
that Matt sent
there, I think
that comes from
Pete, you and I
getting confused
between the
building that
Hitler had planned
to use as his
headquarters.
Yeah.
And the one that
looks like a
swastika.
No, because it wasn't,
but I think that would have been
his London headquarters,
but wasn't there a big building
in Norwich that he loved?
Oh, I don't know.
Because Alan Partridge
talks about it a lot.
Maybe that's a joke.
I don't know.
Pete, I've got a really
interesting email here
from Rob.
And I don't know
what you're going to make of this.
I know you haven't read it
because you're not caught up yet.
I'm just going to read it to you and see what you think. Hi, of this. I know you haven't read it because you haven't, you're not caught up yet. Um,
I'm just going to read it to you and see what you think.
Okay.
Hi chaps.
Love the podcast.
Listening this week.
I guess he means last week by now and couldn't believe your mention of the
original Arctic monkeys bass player.
Right?
Imagine my surprise when I'm mindlessly painting the skirting board of my
bathroom.
When I hear you mention my brother.
Ah,
brilliant.
And his stint in britain's greatest
music export of the last 15 years he's still involved in music produces a lot of solo artists
as well as making music in the hip-hop genre he's also an accomplished photographer and had
exhibitions of his work however imagine my dismay when he's referred to as the fat basis from
arctic monkeys you said that i didn't say that love the podcast lads but maybe leave the body
shaming out it's 2018 um i'd rather you not use my last name.
Fair enough.
Probably figure it out.
Rob also says,
I do genuinely love all your podcasts
and Wrestle Me is fast becoming
my highlight of the week.
So, Rob,
I very, very much apologise
for insulting your brother.
It was not my intention.
As a man of a fairly sizable mass myself,
I'm in a glass house here.
I'm constantly body shaming Luke with my barbs.
I've got nothing else because he's so
switched on mentally.
Pete, you are constantly body shaming
me just by taking your top off.
It's nice to hear from Rob
anyway. Thank you for getting in touch.
Appreciate it. It's great to hear your brother's
doing well. Fantastic being.
I was reading that
there's a quite
there's a quite
accomplished photographer
in the Arctic Monkeys
now I think
I can't remember
who it is
might be Matt Helders
can't remember
anyway
if you're related
to a musician
let us know
my aunt's
partner
is
was a
either a touring
guitarist
or a session
guitarist
for the Rolling Stones
oh there we go
how about that
that's big
that's big potatoes
isn't it
big potatoes
but I've never I've never really met him so i can't reclaim it i was reading that
the guy who wrote most of the songs for the cardigans um who are still an ongoing concern
i do believe um he went on to write the weekend uh i can't feel my face oh great and also carly
roger jepsen's i really really really really really, really, really like you. Oh, did he really?
Those two tracks,
just that is a nest egg,
isn't it?
That's a nest egg.
So, I think I know
who that is then.
So, that'll be...
Christensen?
He's a Swedish guy,
is he not?
Yeah, yeah.
Is it Peter Svensson?
That's the one.
Yeah.
That's the ticket.
Yeah, he's written
loads of stuff,
but it just surprised me
that those two tracks
in particular,
Biggins. Obviously, he's Swedish because he's in the Carly Gans, right? He played guitar for them or something. But yeah, he's written loads of stuff, but it just surprised me that those two tracks in particular, Biggins.
Obviously, he's Swedish
because he's in the Carligons, right?
He played guitar for them or something.
But yeah,
there's a really interesting sort of,
there might even be one that exists,
and if the Reds do get in touch
and let us know,
hello at lukeandpeacher.com.
But there's not been one made.
There's a really good documentary
waiting to be made
about those behind-the-scenes songwriters
because there's so many of them.
There's a guy called Carl Falk
who wrote so much stuff.
It's unbelievable how many songs
he's written for people.
All the One Direction stuff.
Or the woman who does all of Rihanna,
Beyonce's, all of the first draft singing.
When the songs get awarded
or given or sold to an artist,
this woman sings it first
and she sings it
and she kind of wraps the lyrics a little bit
and kind of works out some lyrics and stuff just by singing the melody.
And she's this woman who's just like, you walk past her in the street,
but she is incredible.
She effectively is like the bedrock of all modern pop music.
It's a great songwriter, not by the same level,
but it's, in my opinion, a great songwriter who I know.
He was a professional musician for ages.
The way he used to write his melodies,
he used to call up, he had an answer phone
on his landline at his house.
And when a melody came to him,
he would ring his landline,
knowing that no one would answer,
and sing it down to the answer phone.
So he had it there and keep them there as a bank of melodies.
And Brian Wilson actually used to live really, the great Brian Wilson used to live very close to his studio. it down to the answer phone so he had it there and keep him there as a good idea and brian wilson
actually used to live really the great brian wilson used to live very close to his studio
and for exactly that reason because sometimes songs would just come to him and go there and
record them and he and i think there's a book called wouldn't it be nice and it's been widely
discredited as a true story of his life because it was co-written with dr eugene landy who is the
the controversial therapist that lived with Brian Wilson
to help him through his mental illness.
Okay.
And he was alleged to have broken
a lot of professional conduct rules.
Anyway, but in there,
Wilson is quoted, I think, as saying,
for every amazing song I've written,
I've lost 10 because I can't remember them.
Yeah.
And Neil Young also said
he finds it hard to take credit
for the song he's
written because it doesn't feel like he's writing them he feels like a conduit i have had dreams
where i've went that's a banging melody and i'm walking up and it's like i've either remembered
it and thought what the fuck are you on about it's like it's me going yeah or i've woken up
and instantly forgotten it yeah i'm the same but this carl fort guy just going back to that
he's a guy who's written...
I had a sexy dream set in North Korea.
For goodness sake.
No, carry on.
No, carry on.
How can I carry on
with that bombshell in the middle of it?
How am I supposed to live?
How can we be lovers
if we can't be friends?
I was in Korea.
I'm not going to go into
who I was having sex with, but...
As long as it wasn't me,
that's okay.
Yeah, it wasn't you. I can confirm to the listeners it wasn't you. And I'm not going to go into who I was having sex with. As long as it wasn't me, that's okay. Yeah, it was you.
I can confirm to the listeners it wasn't you.
And I'm not going to reveal the sex.
Literally, I was in North Korea and Kim Jong was there
and he basically had us over there.
Kim Jong-un, you mean?
Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, yeah.
The current Kim Jong.
He was over there and he basically made us shut our eyes,
promised to shut our eyes
because they were
under attack
and they didn't want
everyone seeing
you know what was going on
and I was like
I was whispering to the person
going this is bullshit
this is propaganda
they're not really at war
and all these bombs
started exploding
we're in the sea
we're in the water
and all these things started
and then I looked
and I could see
this wooden crown
and I was like
see this isn't even
a real crown
that's why I know
it's not real.
Dreams are boring.
Dreams are fundamentally fucking boring.
It just reminded me of something.
Let me just get this Carl Fox thing out of the way.
And then we fucked.
The songwriter.
Me and Kim.
He's written songs since 2011.
One Direction,
Nicki Minaj,
Demi Lovato,
Jason Derulo,
Tiesto,
Ariana Grande,
Avicii,
Kelly Redgeps, and Ellie Goulding with Donna.
He's written, I mean, if you listen to the songs he's written.
Yeah, but where are the big hits?
I mean, this guy Svensson's written for all of us people as well,
but he's big with Ariana Grande.
There's some big hits.
Ariana Grande.
I get so many tweets and so many fan accounts of Ariana Grande
starting to follow me because the word Pete Donaldson
is quite similar to Peter Davidson
or Pete Davidson.
Oh yeah.
The guy who's got
big dick energy.
Yeah.
Big dick energy.
What's that?
I think it transpires
that people were surprised
because he's not
a conventionally
incredibly handsome man.
They assumed
that he's got
a bit of a swagger
like he's got a big penis.
So I think big dick energy
is the new thing to say.
What's he known for? What's his thing? SNL. He's a big in SNL. Oh okay like he's got a big penis. So I think Big Dick Energy is the new thing to say.
What's he known for?
What's his thing?
SNL.
He's a big in SNL.
Oh, okay, fine.
He's very good on that.
Okay, anyway,
this story about,
this dream about Kim Jong-un and all these bombs going off.
So let me tell you quite a funny story.
I don't think I've told it before.
Friends of mine were traveling in Southeast Asia
about 15 years ago.
And they're in,
somewhere in Thailand.
I can't remember where.
And they're in somewhere in Thailand I can't remember where and they're in a hostel
or whatever
and
they decide
they want to go out
for a few beers
that night
there's about
four or five of them
and
so they're like
right we're going to
go for a few beers
or whatever
get ready
and one of my mates
Penny
I won't use his real name
but everyone calls him Penny
he decides
he doesn't feel very well
in fact he thinks
he's got a bit of the old
food poisoning diarrhea all that kind of stuff and so he says he um he decided he don't feel very well in fact he thinks he's got a bit of the old um the old food
poisoning diarrhea
all that kind of
stuff and so he's
like i'm not going to
come out i need to
stay here i need to
be within two meters
of a toilet really
he's that kind of
recording studio
kind of illness um
yeah no it wasn't
that it was not
something and and
so anyway so he's
there with diarrhea
in a hostel room on
his own everyone's
gone out it's like a
full moon party or
something like that
um right because he's got bad diarrhea he's dehydrated and he's there with diarrhea in a hostel room on his own everyone's gone out it's like a full moon party or something like that um right because he's got bad diarrhea he's dehydrated
and he's ill and he's starting to have that sort of woozy feeling where you're sort of between sleep
and dream that kind of stuff right it just so happens to be the king of thailand's birthday
on that day so there's massive celebrations all over Thailand and it involves, of course,
a huge amount of fireworks
and all this stuff going on.
To cut a long story short,
my friends get home to the hostel
at whatever time it is in the morning
to find him
cowering under the bed in tears
because he thinks
that the whole island
is under attack
because these fireworks are going off.
I don't like that story.
It's sad, isn't it?
It's sad.
It is sad.
Like a cowering pooch.
It's a mistake we've all made
we've all confused the firework
with a bomb
it's just how it is
I'm glad I've never
I don't think I've been
that sick
for a long time
it's wonderful
same same
what about this Pete
take your vitamins
here's a good email from Phil
who says
Pete
don't forget when discussing
fish and chips
in our little old town
of Hartlepools
the time Kelsey Grammer
of Cheers slash Frasier
fame
popped down the headland
and into Verrills
for some fish and chips.
Yeah, he's married to
a
attendant.
Plane attendant?
What do you call him?
Cabin crew?
Cabin crew.
He's on so many holidays
you don't know what a cabin crew is.
Cabin crew.
So Kelsey Grammer
went to a place called Verrills. Do you know that fish and chips shop? I do not. It's on the many holidays you don't know what a cabin crew is so Kelsey Grammer went to a place called
Verrill's do you know
that fish and chip
shop I do not it's on
the headland I believe
yeah that's what
Phil says and this is
well known in Hartlepool
is it yeah it's a good
one it's quite a big
news for me yeah
yeah well as I said
he goes out with a
woman who's from
Hartlepool originally
I imagine she lives
far away from Hartlepool
now probably in
Lathendale didn't I
read that he had a tattoo on himself
to stop him
cheating on his wife
well
something flirting or something
yeah you told me that
so I don't know
yeah
it just
yeah it gets through
apparently there's a rumours
of a Frasier reunion
yeah
but I think the dad died
didn't he
yes he did
that's going to be a sad restart
the problem with
rebooting shows
that haven't been on the air
for like 20 years or 15 is that we're...
It's one thing watching someone grow old in front of our very eyes,
like Niles and Frasier, who will presumably come back for this reboot.
The thing is, like, HD television isn't kind to that sort of thing anyway.
It isn't kind to the actors anyway.
No.
And when they come back and we're faced with this,
you know,
like it's like watching the most recent Arrested Development series on Netflix.
It's all very clear and you can see how old Job is and it's just like,
oh,
everyone's quite old,
aren't they?
And the natural fact as well,
it'll be fine for Kelsey Grammer and,
um,
for,
for,
for Frasier and Niles,
but for like Daphne,
she'll get judged badly for it.
Oh.
Because women are much,
women are much more badly judged for it.
Yeah, no, I, no, I think Kelsey Grammar will look dreadful.
Surely we can agree that men are under less pressure than women.
Yeah, of course.
Have we switched roles here?
I think we might have done.
No, don't make me out to be some sort of sexist.
No, I'm not saying you're sexist.
Because you're a bit weird.
Some woke.
You're woke.
What about this from Frankie P?
You'll like this one.
He says,
hello guys, love the show.
In two weeks,
I'm travelling to the UK
from New Zealand
to study at the University of Manchester.
Following on from your
fish and chips based life hack chat.
Can't remember that.
Oh yeah, no I can.
It's don't have fish and chips
from a place that isn't
a fish and chip shop.
I'd appreciate some more crucial
UK specific life hacks that would help me
make the most of my British sojourn.
My British cultural knowledge has so far
been almost solely acquired by York shows
so I only have you not to blame
if I commit any serious faux pas during my stay.
When are they coming over?
He's coming over in two weeks.
What would you recommend as a couple of
things to help him get on in British life
a little bit more easily?
You need to be careful
around the sewer people.
These are a breed of people
who live in the sewer.
Yeah.
They are half mutant,
half people,
which is a genus
all of its own.
Mutant,
just general mutant animals
and things like that
all together.
And their king is called
Fatberg.
And they worship the Fatberg
under the streets of London.
And all Wimbledon bull boys and bull girls are orphans.
Someone tried to tell me that once.
Really? That's wonderful.
On a more serious note, Frankie,
I would say that,
because Frankie's the name of the email,
if I didn't mention that,
I would say, here's my tip, right?
And this might be like a minority viewpoint,
but I believe it passionately.
When you get to the point where you're working, you stay in the uk you get a job and you meet someone in the kitchen in the morning of the office and they say to you all right how was
your weekend the only appropriate response to that is it was fine thanks yeah it's not they're not
asking you british people are hardly ever asking you for about your weekend they're just passing
the time they're being polite.
How you doing?
I'm fine.
That's not an open question, Frankie.
So you are going to get a reputation
as being a sort of oversharing New Zealander weirdo
if you don't adhere to that rule.
When I say, you're right, you're right, you're right,
that's my hello.
But people do sometimes go, yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
I'm like, oh, I didn't expect that.
But as long as there's no more than that, it's fine.
Oh, yeah, no, I don't want to put my long as there's no more than that it's fine oh yeah no
I don't want to
put my life story away mate
the scenario would go awry
for example
if you were to say to someone
how was your weekend
and they'd be like
oh you know what
it was a bit of a nightmare
well on Friday afternoon
and before you know it
you're stuck there
yeah nobody cares
no one wants that
remember that Frankie
because I've spent some time
in New Zealand
I know you guys can be
very friendly
which is lovely
but there's a time
and a fucking place
and the UK is not here
no
that said
they are friendlier up north
but you are
agreeing with me
even though you're a northerner
what do you mean
as in
you're saying I'm right
some northern people
might say
oh well no
that's fine
I'm not a bit
more chatty
I think I spoke about this
a little while ago
when I was up
in Manchester
working a gig
and I forgot
how lovely everyone is.
Right.
And I feel sad
talking to you
and you're like,
ugh.
It's funny because
when I go to visit
my wife's family
in New England,
I'll occasionally go out
for a run
because it's lovely around there
and there's loads of places
to go running.
Every single person you see
will say hello to you
or wave.
Mad, isn't it?
Yeah.
In London,
it's like,
even if you're running in London and another runner comes past and they don't even acknowledge you, let will say hello to you. Yeah. Or wave. Mad, isn't it? Yeah. In London, it's like, even if you're running in London
and another runner comes past,
I don't even acknowledge you,
let alone say hello.
The only caveat is if you've got a dog.
Oh, right.
Dogs will,
because I mean,
I guess you have to to pass the time,
but walking around with a dog
is like the best icebreaker.
Definitely.
Definitely.
So if you want to get friends,
grab yourself a dog.
I'm just making a note of this
for the synopsis,
otherwise I'll forget. Grab yourself a dog. All dogs come from a note of this for the synopsis, otherwise I'll forget.
Grab yourself a dog.
All dogs come from Dog-a-land, of course.
Yes, Dog-a-land.
Yeah.
And that's where Stan Cullen was from as well.
Yeah.
And block out of EastEnders.
Phil Mitchell, not Phil Mitchell.
Steve McFadden.
Yeah, he was a big figure in that, wasn't he?
Was it?
Yeah, it was.
And was it not the girl who played,
the woman who plays Kathy got busted in a Range Rover?
Yeah, that wasn't dogging though.
She was having sex outside.
Like Katie Hopkins.
Where did you draw the line though?
What do you mean?
Where did you draw the line?
You can have sex outside.
Yeah, I know that.
With one person.
But like,
waiting around in a car park
for someone to fuck.
I mean,
that's a very different situation.
So there's the line.
Just ask the question.
That's fine.
Good to know.
People listening will now know that,
won't they?
Not everyone is as well versed
in the sort of subcultures of our country as you are, Peter.
Not everyone can drive, so I've never got involved.
Not everyone's on...
How do I flash my headlights if I don't have any headlights?
You have to get two ones that you get from buying.
Click, click.
Walk into a known dog in car park with two torches,
start flashing them on and off.
Have you got a car?
Yes.
Not everyone's on the bleeding edge like you are, Pete.
All right.
And it is bleeding.
And it will soon become septic.
Right.
That's about it for us.
Thank you for joining us this afternoon, evening, morning, whenever you...
What a way to end.
I know, right?
What a way to end.
It's been real.
It's been emotional.
It's been the Luke and Pete show.
If you want to get to the show, how can you get in touch?
So on Twitter or Instagram, we'd love to hear from you,
at Luke and Pete show.
In terms of the emails to make a contribution, we would be very grateful for that it's hello at
luke and pete show.com one thing that has been really nice is people have been very generous
about the show on itunes uh leaving us reviews and all sorts of stuff and people genuinely love
the show which is fantastic for us because pete and i enjoy doing it so if you want to find some
time to leave us a review as well assuming you are listening right to the
end because you now
know it's already an
outro so you've
probably turned off
and skipped on to
Pod Save America
do that please do do
that and we'll see
you next week we'll
see you on Monday
they had the bloke
who does
intelligence matters
do you know that one
on Pod Save America
sponsored by Raytheon
on the gate as a
guest you mean
as a guest yeah
he's very ordered
they are very good, the Pod7.
They're disgusting.
Very slick.
It's a Stakhanov product, so we can say that.
Enjoy it.
Sponsored by Raytheon.
Sponsored by Blue Apron.
Who I think are responsible for some horrific situations in Yemen.
Bye!