The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 95: A podcast kakistocracy

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Ever wondered what a society run by the least qualified individuals would look like? Well, that's sort of what The Luke and Pete Show is, isn't it? And it's called a kakistocracy. Anyway, we're diving straight into this episode with talk about the nuances of the Jagger family, and rapidly moving into Maplin-esque territory by lamenting the loss of electronics giant Dick Smith.Elsewhere there's chat about brandy, Jim Davidson, Oliver Reed, and of course more stuff listeners' Dads have 'borrowed' from work. Be a good egg and email us here: [e-mail]***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, Dickheads, it's the Puke and Leak Show. Hello. You all right? Yeah, very well. How are you, mate? I'm all right. The music's still going, so we haven't started the show properly. No. We need to keep on this kind of thread for a little while. Welcome to the show.

The Puke and leak show yeah what date is it I don't care we're pre-recording this the podcast the podcast Henry Winkler

Pete Donaldson I am I hang around in toilets with teenagers kicking jukeboxes he doesn't kick a jukebox what does he do hits it

yeah he just hits it doesn't he best ever jukebox move is Michael Jackson in the Moonwalker video flicking a quarter flicking a quarter into the slot. And then doing

it was a smooth criminal? Yeah. And then doesn't he turn into a robot and then Joe Pesci tries to inject a child with a syringe in the neck? Doesn't Joe Pesci

I just want everyone to be cool. Doesn't Joe Pesci want to get every kid in the world high? Yeah. And this is pre-Utri as well. It's so basic.

It's like the plot of a video game. It's like the plot of Knock, the video game from the 1990s. I don't know it. It's based on warnings from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Don't do drugs. I don't know why the FBI were getting involved.

No. But they did. Recently on the Luke and Pete show with him, Pete Donaldson, the podcast Henry Winkler, and me, Luke Moore, we've talked about Doggerland, that piece of land that used to exist

between the UK and Northern France, and the Netherlands, to be fair. We talked about fish and chips. We talked about a man successfully skydiving without a parachute and surviving to tell the tale. We talked about a kangaroo that we thought was extinct and turned out to not be extinct. What a dickhead. Holy moly.

Yeah, just give us three rings. Just give us three rings, let us know you're okay. Did you say there was a wallaby that had escaped from a zoo in England? No. And its name was Holly. Holly Wallaby. Okay. It's good, isn't it?

Yeah, it's good. My sister's called Holly. Right. Is she a play on Holly Willoughby? I'm just linking, mate. I'm just linking it in. I'm just linking it in. Say what you see. Speaking of Doggerland, which sounds worse every time we say it.

Sounds like where Stan Colly was. Was that last week? Probably, yeah. When we got mixed up which of the Mitchell brothers were us into a bit of that nonsense. The space between England and France, a.k.a. the Channel, there's a big scrap going on, isn't there? There's a big scrap going on, and it's all over scallops. Okay, tell me more, because I love a scallop, mate. Basically, there are some scallop hunting grounds

that the French are allowed to get involved in, and the English aren't allowed in, but the French found some English boats there, so they got very upset and they threw bits of chain, rocks, and smoke bombs at the English aren't allowed in, but the French found some English boats there, so they got very upset, and they threw bits of chain, rocks, and smoke bombs at the English, and the English basically repeated the same action and threw rocks, bits of chain, but I don't think smoke bombs at the French.

This sounds like you're going to end this anecdote by saying take back control, no to a people's vote. I just think that we found a new game. You got rock, paper, scissors. Now we've got metal, rock, scallops. It'll be a great little game.

It could be as big as Kabaddi. Do you want to know how to cook a scallop? How to perfectly cook a scallop? Are you going to say don't cook it for very long? You put them in a pan. If you're cooking

a decent amount of scallops... What's a decent amount of scallops, big boy? Well, for this particular example, at least 12, and you'll see why. Whoa! With the little orange bits on them. That's the roe.

I don't particularly like the roe, but some people will cook them with the roe, yeah. No, I don't think that's even the roe, is it? It is, yeah. That's just an extension of the thing. No, the roe would be individual little kind of beads. Oh, suddenly you're the scallop expert now, are you? Yeah. You're the one talking about serious scallops.

Okay, imagine the scallop without the orange bit, which're the one talking about searing scallops. Okay, imagine the scallop without the orange bit which I think is the row but you don't. So you basically do it like a clock. So you put the

number one scallop at 12 and you count down 1, 2 all the way around to make a clock and by the time you get back to 11

turn it over and turn them all over do it again and they're done. That's clever. I might have made that up but I'm sure someone said that

to me once did you do that once and you were like that's brilliant I've got to tell everyone Pete do I look like a man who cooks his own scallops

anyway if you want to get in touch or be a part of this podcast Cackistocracy then it's hello at lukeandpeatshow.com

we would love to hear from you what's a cakistocracy? Kakistocracy is where essentially... See, I'm not afraid to ask questions about words. No, fine. The answer is I don't know. It's where a country, I think,

I don't know if it's actually a practical word, but in theory it's where a country deliberately elects the most unqualified person to run the country. Oh. So it's basically a proposal. So the United States of America right now. It's a really good example. Some satirists would say it's a kakistocracy.

Nice. Yeah, and so is this, really. I mean, we're very much sharing power, aren't we? And I've got the nuclear football, a.k.a. the iPad, a.k.a. the noise box. Yeah, and I'm the Liberal Democrat and you're the Tory. Yeah, exactly. I'm happy with that if the Luke and Pete show

they just dress well who the Tory yeah if the Luke and Pete show nation is an amount of listeners then really it is a cacistocracy

because we essentially decide what goes on oh yeah yeah definitely and we are by far the most unqualified to do so anyway yeah but we use

people's emails that's the thing speaking of the Tories dressing well, have you seen Theresa May's clothing in Africa? I saw your tweet about it, which you were particularly proud of. I wasn't particularly proud of that. I'm just saying that it just got a few retweets, that's all.

She, A, that jacket made her look like Michael J. Fox. And she, in 2018, you shouldn't be talking about women's clothing and how they dress. That's just not a done thing. Well, you brought this up. But it's like she's challenging us. She's wearing the maddest shit. And she always has.

Will they say anything? Will they say anything? Will they say anything? I'm a strong, powerful woman. Go on, talk about my clothes. Talk about my dancing. Talk about her dancing. Fucking'll talk about her dancing. Fucking hell.

But people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Just clap. Just clap along. Just clap along. Yeah. I can imagine, whenever that sort of thing happens, I always imagine the thick of it. I always imagine people in the background going,

what are you? Stop her doing that. Stop her doing that now. Incredible stuff. Whitefields. Incredible stuff. Yeah, so do you want to know something I learnt this week?

I can't even say it. I learnt this week, you'll like this, and it might take a bit of explaining. Mick Jagger, you know Mick Jagger? Sir Mick Jagger. The great frontman of the Rolling Stones, of course. Is there anyone out there listening who doesn't know who Mick Jagger is? Probably not.

Probably not. If you're doing the top 10 most famous people on earth, The Pope. Jagger's got a shout there, hasn't he? Yeah. The Pope. That's not a person. That's a title, isn't it? Yeah, but the current Pope, then.

What's his name? Stephen. Stephen the Pope. You don't even know his current name. No, I don't know his current name. You're probably talking Donald Trump. Yeah. Jagger's got to be in with a shout.

Madonna. Yeah, probably. Living. Yeah. Madonna's probably up there. You're probably talking Donald Trump. Yeah. Jagger's got to be in with a shout. Madonna. Yeah, probably. Living. Yeah. Madonna's probably up there. Yeah, probably. Anyway, Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger,

check this out, Pete. Mick Jagger's got a son who is younger than his great-granddaughter. So Mick Jagger... Oh, well, he had a baby quite recently. Exactly.

So Mick Jagger, who I think would be in his 70s now, has eight children with five women. And he also has five... To be honest, he's got the finances to, you know, put more kids through college, surely. He's got enough finance.

Well, no one's suggesting that he's not putting them through college. No, I'm just saying that he should make more. They're not living in poverty, as far as I know. He's got eight children by five women. He also has five grandchildren and became a great grandfather on the 19th of May, 2014,

when his daughter, Jade, her daughter, Assisi, gave birth to another daughter. Unnamed. I don't know. I couldn't find out what her name is.

Stephen. Mick Jagger also had a son called Devereux Octavian Basil Jagger, born on 8th December 2016, so 18 months or so younger than his great-granddaughter. I mean, that's a mad thing, isn't it? It's a messy family photo at Christmas to put on the postcard.

I'll be honest, I tried to work out how they're related to each other. Couldn't do it. Could not do it. The family tree of Mick Jagger. It's basically ruined every sort of family term that I could think of. I was reading a bit about The Who and also Led Zeppelin as well and how their respective drummers died. And I realised that the drummer of The Who, Keith Moon,

he died quite close to my house. But there's no blue plaque outside saying that he lived and died here. I thought he died in the US, actually. No, he died here. He died... He took... He was on meds

for stopping himself from being in... Well, stopping himself from drinking, basically. Right. And he shouldn't have been prescribed them and he just took 30 of them

and died. Have you heard the story about him living next door to Oliver Reed? Possibly apocryphal. Possibly apocryphal. Shall I say it anyway? Say it anyway. All right, yeah.

They're both dead. Apparently, apparently Oliver, when Keith Moon moved in, so Oliver Reed's living in a big house, I think in Beverly Hills or something and the next door house or the next house over

is someone moves in there and Oliver Reed doesn't know who it is but all he does know is like every other day or something and the next door house or the next house over is someone moves in there and Oliver Reed doesn't know who it is but all he does know is like every other day or something this helicopter just keeps buzzing

over the garden and it's really pissing him off it's like really disturbing and we've had the police helicopter go over my house in West Nord a few times recently as I've told you and it can be very loud

and very annoying so I sympathise I've been in Far Cry 5 and my core fighter keeps buzzing a helicopter and alerting guards to my presence. I don't understand

what you're saying. Similar principle, right? Anyway, so Oliver Reed being the sort of fairly imbalanced man that he was and obviously liked it like a drink.

I think at one point the straw that broke the camel's back was just buzzed over one final time. So he just grabbed a shotgun from his house, goes out into the garden

and just starts taking shots at it. The big shotgun starts shooting at this helicopter. And as the story goes, the helicopter sort of spins around, comes down, lands in the big back garden, and Keith Moon rolls out with two brandy glasses and the bottle of brandy is like,

hey, you seem like the kind of guy I want to be able to be with. And they just get pissed together. And then they both died at tremendously sad death through alcoholism. So, that'd be a lesson to you.

Well, what would have happened if it had caught the rotors? Yeah. Murdered a man and his pilot. Perished. Perished.

They both would have perished. Ruined some good brandy as well. Yeah, absolutely. That would have helped the flames. What's your brandy of choice I don't have one oh sorry

Henny baby Armunak or Armunak or Cognac I was once in a that's the only two I know yeah

which one's the is it Louis the 15th 14th Hennessy my question for you whenever anyone brings up brandy

is what's the one that's really expensive in airports yeah that's all I know about it I went into a bar

I went into a I guess a nightclub I was with it i was with the girl and uh we weren't downstairs and in this um in this in this restaurant and they had this club so i think oh well the restaurant's closing but come downstairs there's a there's a bar and a little club danty club so i went in with the girl and uh there was a um bottle of brand behind the bar, and it had a really ornate kind of bottle. It was beautiful. It looked stunning.

Oh, no. How much was it, though? And I was like, all right, I'll take two shots of that, please, because I was interested in the bottle. No one wants his shots for brandy, do they? You're not supposed to shot it, are you? Well, and he goes, well, I wasn't going to shove it down my... Well, not at these prices, anyway.

He says it's £400 per shot. I was like... Did the girl you were with hear you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this fits in nicely to... I was like did the girl you would hear you oh yeah yeah because this fits nicely i was like you should drag me away from it to bring people yeah to bring people up to speed you said if you went in and get a haircut and you didn't know the price and they cut your hair the the threshold for you starting to kick off was like 250 quid or something yeah yeah so you would have bought those shots of brandy uh no i think if they were 70 quid i

reckon i should cut off i would have went you know what i've never had that before remember when we had a good year at the no stop don't tell us a bottle of nice um champagne true yeah like and treat yourself well no we were like i've never tried that kind of champagne and we had we were having a celebration we i think we just got an office or something we were celebrating and we got an expensive bottle of champagne and it was like oh this tastes exactly the same as every other bottle of champagne there's literally no difference so do you why do we do this do you reckon the brandy would have been I mean do you reckon if it'd been a blind taste test you wouldn't have been able to tell I'd I think with the posher um liquors uh it just it's just

very a lot easier to drink isn't it so you, it would just make me want more of it, I suppose. I was in the, I was in the Jerry's wine place, it's on Alcompton Street last week, buying a bottle of wine and there was a guy

basically hawking this new kind of vodka, like it's really smooth vodka and like, you know, 40 quid a bottle, 50 quid a bottle

and you taste it and it's very drinkable and it just, the more expensive the alcohol, the more drinkable it is, I think. That's the point. After sort of 10 p.m., you don't care, do you? After two of those, you don't really care, do you? All right, on that sort of quite uplifting note,

shall we have some emails after this? Yes. Hey, y'all, it's Farmer Meemaw, and today I'm going to show you what I've been doing to take care of the pantry moth situation today always take care

of your pantry moth situation no one ever speaks like that or they shouldn't I think there's two types of southern US accent one is

like a really slow quite charming drawl drawl which someone once described to me as cards being turned over in a poker game,

which is quite a good way of describing it. And then there's that one there. Yeah. Isn't there? Very different. Yeah.

Which I think is a little bit over the top. I've got an email here, Pete, about a man stealing a VHS player. Would you like to

hear it? I would very much like to hear it. Right in your wheelhouse there. I think I wanted to read this email out as well, so I endorsed

this message. Would you want to go for it? No, no. I'd need to to read this email out as well, so I endorsed this message. Do you want to go for it? No, no, no. I need to find it first. Okay. So this is an anonymous email for reasons that will become clear. And it starts off like this. Hello.

During the great video format wars, do you want to bring people up to speed on that in the 80s, Pete? Beta Max. Beta Max versus? VHS. They both went toe-to-toe uh when it comes to formats i think beta max were a little bit smaller um i think the quality was pretty much the same but it was just basically different size uh size tips and uh the only reason why uh the only reason

beta max didn't have pornography on it they refused to to um use um that and therefore it failed yeah pornography makes technology work. Do you reckon they're linked? Well, that's why the internet is so popular. And just very, very quickly, at the risk of a bit of a tangent, what was the big rival to Blu-ray? It was HD DVD, wasn't it? So to me, that sounded like that was always going to win out

because it's got a better name. What, HD DVD? You know what you're getting with that, don't you? Yeah. Blu-ray, what's Blu-ray? Sounds like a fish. But then you're standing on the shoulder

of the DVD, aren't you? Which is kind of yesterday's technology. But surely it just depends on which companies endorse it. Oh yeah, hugely. I mean, I think Sony was Blu-ray

and the rest of the companies were HD DVD. It's the proprietary technology and who wants to put enough money into marketing I suppose. Right okay anyway so Betamax VHS

I guess this was in the 80s. There's still video CDs out in the east like if you go to China you can buy you can buy more songs on video CD

which is like a you know you fit in a whole film or half a film onto a 800 megabyte CD. Is that HD? No. Nowhere near mate. 540 okay um so during the great video format wars my dad made the sensible decision to nail his colors to the master of the

mighty betamax the superior format unfortunately our local video shop had a very limited selection of betamax rentals it was either pete's dragon or porn basically uh and so he said there were porn on betamax it was porn on Betamax but maybe they didn't embrace it as much as VHS did and so Face were giving his children unreal expectations about befriending mythical beasts he did what any man would do and borrowed a VHS player from work

at the weekend, but as he worked in the bank, the only VHS they had lying around was the one for the CCTV tapes and so every other weekend the bank would go without as we watched from the wider range of video shop VHS rentals. When he finally admitted defeat and bought a VHS, the borrowing didn't stop, as all of our blank VHS tapes came from the bank's archive of CCTV videos,

which meant that any films we taped off the TV would always come with an introductory few minutes of a footage of bank customers queuing for the cashier's desk. Where are the tapes, Paul? Oh, they're at home. His dad's now apparently left the job, but the emailer still wants to be kept anonymous. That's so spooky.

I mean, they're kind of long-play cassettes as well. The quality would be dreadful. If you were young enough, you'd be thinking, what does every sort of film start with this? It would be like, you know when you watch a movie and it comes up with the production company's logo and little passage like, you know, Scott Free, Ridley Scott, all that kindley Scott, it would be a bit like that.

And then after that, there's just a man in a bank. I think any footage from a bank looks kind of moody, doesn't it? It looks like something's about to happen. You're like, why am I watching this? Something's about to happen. But really, it's just an old lady cashing a cheque. Yeah, I remember my friend Tim, Tim Stokes, he won't listen to this, but in case he is listening, I'll name him. His name's Jim Box. No, Tim Stokes, his name is, and he in case he is listening I'll name him his name is Jim Box no Tim Stokes his name is and he was a decent

football player back in the day and he scored a goal for his school at Fratton Park right he was a Southampton fan

and he still is and but he scored a brilliant goal at Fratton Park and he had it on VHS tape right and he used to show it to everyone all the time

yeah and one time he showed it to me for like the 400th time or whatever and uh it just didn't work it was completely gone like it and you were just holding a magnet over the top of it yes this didn't happen but no seriously he probably played it 400 times and that was it that was that was the life that was the life cycle of the vhs tape oh no what a disaster surely he could go to some kind of data recovery experts and recover his history but then he'd be running the kind of data recovery experts and recover his history.

But then he'd be running the risk of what's on the rest of the tape. Yeah, exactly. 80s and 90s problems. You don't get them like that anymore. It kind of reminds me of using old VHS tapes from a bank. It's like that Bourne music thing I was talking about earlier on in Our Shores Run, where in Soviet Union they had x-rays that had records imprinted in them.

Yeah. Due to censorship. I'm not seeing you get an email ready, so do you want to do that? I'll do that. You've got a printer out there? Yeah, but they're all old ones. Oh, okay, right.

I want to give you some stuff hot and fresh out the kitchen. Can you pass me a piece of paper so I can make notes? It's harder for me later. Okay, then. Thanks. Fine. There's a lot of emails in the email box

about Dick Smith. Have you seen these? Yeah. I had a brilliant story about that but I'm sure you're going to read it. Well Stuart Bussey says

I don't know if it interests you or last episode one of the battery brand names that generated some mirth coupled with disbelief Dick Smith. Let me clear up some confusion with a well-known conundrum.

If a locksmith works with locks a goldsmith works with gold, what does Dick Smith do? Well, he sells electronic components to hobbyists until it all goes wrong. Sounds like the story of Maplins in many ways. Basically, Dick Smith Electronics was, until a few years ago, a fixture of Australian and New Zealand retail. The founder, Dick Smith, himself, is an Australian icon.

The company made transistors, cables. Well, they sold these things anyway, and soldering kits for dads very much sounds like Maplin. This was a somewhat unique place in the Australasian retail market for years until the turn of the century when it moved into consumer electronics and generic products like batteries as well. It was ultimately unable to compete with other established entities in this area and it faltered a couple of years ago with the loss of 350 stores

and around 3,000 jobs. In another email that I haven't saved, unfortunately, basically this guy's talking about the fact that when they went down, it was James Malthus. Hello, James. One of the most bizarre facts about this company going to the wall is that at the time of liquidation, the company had a stockpile of 141 months worth

of Dick Smith branded AAs. This is what I heard. And 131 months worth of branded AAAs. Yeah. What are you powering though? That's what I'm saying. So they basically had loads of batteries left over to get rid of.

So why are you bankrupt? Because we've got about 5 million pounds of batteries in stock. We're paying our staff in batteries. So people in Australia have gone through the heartbreak of the equivalent of a mapling closing down.

I genuinely was on the high street last couple of days ago and I needed a particular wire and I was like, I have no idea where I would get that now.

Amazon? Yeah, but again, I need it now. Right, yeah. I need it now. What was it for? It was for a headphone. You've got two or

three drawers full of wires oh yeah they've gone in there but I'm not going I'm not getting involved in that so basically you

just keep buying new ones my wire cave is the wire cave still in existence because I remember in your old house it was three drawers

and a chest of drawers full of wires yeah all knotted together yeah it's like when

I think we've spoken about this before when in the sewer when worms get trapped together or rats rats get the rat king?

The biggest rat king ever caught was like 45 rats or something. Disgusting. It's absolutely horrendous. Sooner or later there's going to be an inadvertent bomb made in one of those drawers you've got with wires and transistors and all sorts.

Yeah, it's not a good look, is it? You know the argument people say against how the universe... So there's an argument which says... I'm sort of going to paraphrase here because i don't fully understand it but there's an argument that says the universe and the world and the planets and everything in the solar system couldn't have been created i couldn't have grown naturally because it would have been like a hurricane going through a cargo warehouse and building a 747 right that's the argument that could happen in your drawer in

your house yeah a bomb could be created inadvertently with all the different transistors the timers the wires you've got in

there I think you very much need the thing that makes it go boom boom the semtex or the plastic explosives

along with the rest of the people listening to this I fully am prepared to believe you've got some sort of C4 in your house as

well got a lot of cans of Lynx. There you go. That might help. Just use Lynx as a handy household substitute. So, you know, speaking of that, you know, have you seen that sort of trend there is for making people aware of those ridiculous, like, top tips in women's magazines?

Oh, yeah, they're magical. I read one the other day genuinely which was i don't think they must be taking the piss by now they must be have become self-aware well i think sometimes like you see things that are so ridiculous you're like you must be doing that to become viral to get your name out there they must be doing that as a piss like the people who put these magazines together they're not like batty 60 year old um you know old ladies on Facebook. They're media people.

They're media people. They're people who, you work in the press, you work the trade rags, and then you go into something. But some people could have emailed them in because they're emailed in by listeners, aren't they? Yeah, but you deliberately choose the maddest ones

to get your little slice of the world viral. You know what I mean? Well, anyway, the one I read the other day was, and you will believe it, it's funny though, if you're having loads of people over for afternoon tea or whatever, and you've run out of mugs, just cut the top off of a red pepper

and make them a cup of tea in the pepper. That was an American magazine as well. It's just even worse. It's like when Alan Partridge has the Aerialator. Have you seen the, we talked about the Rat King, Fatberg, who's been a subject we've It's just even worse. It's like when Alan Partridge has the Aerialator. Have you seen the, we're talking about the Rat King, Fatberg has been a subject we've visited and revisited over and over again.

Did you know the Fatberg went to a museum? I can't remember which museum it is in London. They put it in like a hermetically sealed box. Right. How big is it? I don't know because the webcam was off. They've got a webcam, where you can watch the fatberg slowly just melt and just decompose. I mean, that is a metaphor, isn't it? Well, just flies are just being born and stuff.

Good job you can't smell it, because it's sealed. Oh, my God. How big do you think it is? How much do you estimate it is? Probably about as big as this room, I'd say. Oh, my goodness me. How did they get it in a big box? Goodness me.

How did they get it in a box, then? We're in a box now. Isn't it all? They just build a box. Yeah, but I mean, I understand the comparisons, but I'm not really a... I'm not a fat bear. Fully a fat bear.

But isn't it all made up of those wet wipes and stuff as well? Yeah. God, it's grim. It's absolutely grim. It's really depressing to think of. Aren't we foul? Let's just squeeze another email in. I've got this email here, and the reason I've included it

is because for some reason, and hopefully you'll know what I mean. Have you seen Breaking Bad? Yeah. So this email really reminded me of Walter White. Right. So hopefully you see what I mean. And it's from Christopher.

Christopher says, Greetings, gents. A long-time fan of The Ramble, and now your new show. I've been itching to write in after each show with some insanity from my own past that parallels whatever episode i've just finished like the time coyotes killed a rabbit on our lawn on easter morning terrifying the neighborhood kids um which i'd quite like to hear more about that to be honest um but i would always carry on with my day and i

would never get around to emailing and eventually it seemed a little too late but i just finished a recent episode about dads borrowing items from their work and thought this time i'm going to pull over and try sending my own anecdote in people emailing from the side of like a motorway do pull over do pull over important my dad worked for general motors the automobile manufacturer here in canada and from time to time the odd item would fall into his lunchbox and find its way home nothing big or grand like i say a cadillac a fuse just household things like scissors or electrical tape or tools. When I was seven or eight, we returned home one evening from dinner to relatives and discovered

our house had been broken into and burglarized. Great American and Canadian word there. Burglarized, yeah. This was a small, semi-rural Ontario, Canada town, so it wasn't exactly an HBO-level crime. They stole some jewelry, mostly plastic stuff of my sister's, a coin collection, bits and pieces here and there. My folks called the police and they dispatched a car to our house while we waited my dad suddenly flew into a panic worrying they'll see the stolen scissors from gm and end up busting him so he raced around the house rounding up scissors screwdrivers and a roll of tape

mind you none of these items had a gm logo on. My dad shoved them all into a Cornflakes box, but that didn't seem safe enough, so he had me go into our basement and climb into an unfinished crawlspace under the house and tape that box to the underside of the house, and then he quickly instructed us all to stay quiet and let me deal with the police.

I love that. The cops duly arrived and were none the wiser to his grand heist. As an added note, my mum was so embarrassed by how messy my room was that she told the police it had been vandalised.

I like that. Because when you're a kid, you assume that your dad's, you know, together. But then you see him and then in retrospect, you sort of go,

yeah, my dad's mad, isn't he? Yeah. That's absolutely mad. How would Stewie Donaldson deal with that sort of situation? He'd be all right with that, but I think I've said this story before. He once illegally rigged up a BT second line in our house and told us, if I see the BT, don't tell anyone you've done this because if I went to BT and asked them to do it,

it would cost them £90 to fit a second line. But your dad's got the skills to do it. But my dad's got the skills to do it. But my dad's got the skills to do it. So you're legally rigged up. I don't even think it would even be illegal. You're literally just doing it yourself. And he said, don't tell him,

because that's naughty. And for the next five years of my life, every time I saw a BT engineer in the street, I was bricking it for my dad. But parents, they don't know how far they fuck you up when they say just like offhand

things they don't really know how exactly yeah you know exactly well my dad's a little bit more brazen than that because I told you he

worked at an electronics company called Ferguson which is now no longer around I think and I think we had a Ferguson VCR yeah so they

were like British made I don't know what the quality was like but anyway he he once like brought home a satellite receiver yeah a satellite receiver. A colleague.

Yeah, a satellite receiver and a dish. And he just put the dish on the house. It was brazen. It was there for everyone to see. And basically, I think he had just taken it and stuck it on the side of the house.

So we had Sky TV before it was a subscription. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just used to pick up the channel. Yeah, pick it up. That was like a golden 18 months. We had Eurosport, Screensport, Sky Sports,

all that stuff. And it was amazing. And then as soon as it went over to subscription, that was the end of that. I mean, I presume it was all the subscription, but it was probably like a net,

like a yearly card still left in the machine or whatever, like a little... Oh, right, maybe. But no, but Pete, I think it might have just been that with that dish,

you could just pick up a lot of channels. You might. Oh, yeah. I mean, it could just been that you with that dish you could just pick up a load of channels you might oh yeah it could just be a few channels plus the European ones as well

because my mate had that where we'd watch we'd watch a bit of QVC a bit of Rye then we'd watch it had Rye on it then we'd watch the Rye

yeah R-A-I which is like the Italian I think it's Rye and Canal Plus as well yeah Canal Plus oh hello porn during the day or like stuff from like Germany Germany is quite big sort of thing watching like and Canal Plus as well. Yeah, Canal Plus. Oh, hello porn during the day. Or like stuff from Germany.

Germany is quite a big sort of thing. Watching German pop music kind of festivals from the late 90s was really interesting. So, yeah, definitely. Do you remember the story that John told us about Jim Davidson?

Yeah. That's relevant to this. I'll tell this now, right? So on cable and wireless, some people, if you're of our age you'll remember this cable and wireless

was a cable box it was done through cable not through a satellite and you would pay a subscription for different bits and pieces I remember it sort of

being predominantly used to watch the box that show that station where you could text in numbers to get your to get your song on and other bits and pieces

anyway we could watch it through Comcast back in the day or NTL at midnight there was a 15 minute teaser I can't remember the name of the channel

but it was like Television X yeah Television X let's call it that or the Fantasy Channel or something like that Fantasy Channel that was one

I've not heard that name in such a long time and so at midnight they would give you a free 15 minutes of like quite soft core teaser this is what you can have if you pay

after 15 minutes past midnight or whatever. And some people said, I don't know if this is an urban myth, but some people said you could unplug it and plug it back in again at quarter past 12 and you'd get another 15 minutes and you could keep doing it. So it was like a sort of school yard chatter,

doesn't it? I didn't have a cable and wireless box, so I don't know. Anyway, so John, our mate, insists that one night he got back from the pub and he flicked it on. We would have been cable and wireless box so I don't know anyway so John our mate insists that one night he got back from the pub and he flicked it on we would have been teenagers

at the time I guess and he was about to watch the 15 minutes and then Jim Davidson as in Jim Davidson walked into the room down some steps by the side of a pool

and said and there's all these men half naked there like muscly men tanned and Jim Davidson of all people walks straight up to the camera and says,

I'm Jim Davison, and welcome to gay night. It's so weird. Such an indelicate, horrible, homophobic, racist man. In the words of Will McKenzie from The Inbetweeners, I have a few questions. My first one is, can this have happened? I run this back and forth in my brain and it's so wonderful. The image is so wonderful.

The world's most indelicate man having to negate or navigate. He's just gone for it. Hello at LukeandPetra.com if you saw this happen or if you've got any thoughts. It's just gay night. If you're listening, Jim, get in touch. Two lads kissing and a cuddling. I'm not having it. Or I am having it. It's just a strangeuddling I'm not having it or I am having it

it's just a strange booking I'm not normally having it but I've been paid to have it is what he would probably think

anyway I think we should leave people on that bombshell Jim Davidson presenting Gay Night on Television X

in the late 90s did it happen it's Gay Night this is the government have forced me to do this because I got caught

drink driving that's what it feels a bit what it feels a bit like it feels a bit like he's had to make community service for Jim Davidson

we would quite like you Jim as part of your rehabilitation to reach out to the gay community if you don't mind it could even be that

Pete it could have had to be that it's the 90s anything's possible oh I'm having it right that's about it for us we'll be back next week

with more fun and games you want to get into the show as always it's hello at lookandpeashow.com yeah we'd love to hear from you silent T there a little bit Peashow

lookandpeashow it's not the lookandpeashow you make it difficult for people to email in by introducing the show with a name that it isn't what do I say earlier on you said

the puke and leak show yeah well don't type that in yeah we look forward to seeing you next time around do get in touch and yeah well don't type that in yeah we look forward to seeing you next time around do get in touch and if we don't hear

from you you know keep well yeah don't die I got this GM scissor for free.