The Luke and Pete Show - Euro train porno

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Luke declares his love for Mongolian throat singing as they discuss the weird but wonderful Nordic folk band, Heilung. Elsewhere, Pete is certain that European train pornography marked the birth of the internet.Plus, Luke confesses he has to do yet another driving awareness course!Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the look of Pete Shaw, I'm Pete Donaldson. I am going to start the show like that. Is that alright, Lukey Mo? Yeah, you can do whatever you want, mate. Yeah? Is that alright? Yeah? It's Lukey Shaw. Absolutely. It's Monday 29th July. We're recording this a few days in advance. And that's fine. I just hope that everything hasn't gone even further shit since we recorded it I'm still in the Lake District so I don't care

people are gonna be what you gonna be doing the Lake District hanging out my family I find that there are gingerbread from grass me the original home of gingerbread are you gonna get involved in the whole mint mint stuff mint Kendall Kendall cake yeah yeah you're going to Kendall mint stuff, what was it? What was that? Mint stuff? Oh, Kendall Mint Cake, could do, yeah. You going to Kendall Rocks, isn't there a bad festival called Kendall Calling? Kendall Calling?

I don't think it's there anymore, is it? Isn't like the Lake District, like it's partly in Derbyshire, which is very confusing. You don't think that Derby... That's the Peak District district isn't it? Oh I don't know then. The lake district is entirely, pretty much I'm sure,

higher. The lake district is entirely in Cumbria. Is it above Liverpool and all that gap? Yeah yeah yeah just north of Lancaster on the north west coast. I get confused. So it's basically the sandwich between Lancaster and Cardale it doesn't really go anywhere near Derbyshire. Lancaster's always like, my mate Al went to university in Lancaster, I visited a few times it was an interesting university

Lancaster is that place that's much further north than you think oh yeah opposite to Sheffield which is much further south than you think Yes completely agree and they get away with a lot of like northern stuff don't they? You've got to go about three hours further north to get to where you're from from Sheffield Pretty much and but I would say that that was further north to get to where you're from, from Sheffield. Pretty much. But I would say that Lancaster was the scene of the funniest thing that I have ever seen in my life. I was on a bus, climbing and sort of speeding through the valleys and hills of beautiful Lancaster town centre, where a man came on in a he looked like He was wearing all of the clothes apart from the skirts that super grand would wear

and he was probably in his 30s and I was like 19 and he did a massive Bronx cheer fart On the top deck of the bus yeah and I stopped talking I could not contain myself the air was pregnant with you know with

social awkwardness and also the smell of human shit and he and he he just turned to everyone I'm sorry I'm sorry but he said it in the sort of way like well I'm sorry you had to hear that but my bum needs to be heard I think he was like in his 30s he looked a bit he looked a bit he seemed eccentric but yes, um, was he embarrassed or not? He seemed eccentric but, um, yes I think he probably was a little bit but it didn't help him acknowledging it. You can never acknowledge it for crying out loud. Someone once told me a story that, um, they were on a tube once with a couple of friends, um, a female friend of mine, and there was quite a handsome guy sitting on the other side of the carriage facing them.

Yeah. And he had headphones in. Yeah. And he was kind of flashing a smile at one of their friends or whatever, I forget the actual detail. But anyway, he was kind of flirting away. Whatever it is that, you know, whatever it is the young people do these days, Peter.

Yeah. And he pumped, right? Yes. He didn't know that it was a loud pump. And he figured that because the train I guess, because he figured that it was silent while the train was loud, it didn't matter. And he didn't, and the whole situation, obviously I'm forgetting the detail here, but the whole situation was that he thought they were flirting with him because he didn't know they'd heard him pump.

Right. Okay. so they were laughing in Yeah, yeah, right. I thought to myself and Peter and listeners That's how I met my wife But there's no way to start a relationship is it really I don't think it's a solid foundation Peter We don't know saying no you can't put that in the you know classifieds in the newspaper Can you like missed opportunities? You know, yeah sliding doors moments people still do that though I think about that in creepy now. I think I sent you this Metro was it called the Metro fucking The metro kind of like yeah, have you seen have you seen that sort of thing?

I have you seen it just seems to me to be, knowing what I know about the media industry, which is a fair amount, it seems to me to be either A, completely fabricated by writers on the paper, or B, unbearably creepy. It seems like completely not a fabrication from start to finish. Apparently none of them were ever, ever, ever replied to. Ever. Not a single time. Ever, ever, ever, was a there's that guy there's this I think I said I think I sent you on on YouTube this little this little nerdy boy who does songs. Yeah. And he does a song about it's worth having a listen to because it's it's it's a boy with an Argos Stratocaster. He looks like a little boy magician, doesn't he? He does a bit, yeah.

Like, thick hair. He's got kind of like a tie on and an untucked shirt and stuff. And he looks like the world's biggest dweeb. But this is what he thinks is acceptable to sing about in 2024. Okay, so imagine this, you're on a train and a girl sits down next to you. She reaches down into her leather bag and grabs the most delicious, sugary cinnamon roll you've ever seen. And you're just like... ...editing a cinnamon roll, if you ever looked so hot.

Fuck you, man. I imagine the two of us in the car go getting it on. He's a problem tubesman on He's a problem tubes man He is a problem tubes man Mind your own business Mind your own fucking business Stop being a thirsty little weirdo You're gonna get chucked off this train you absolute wronging

The other day And he's singing that song as if to sort of go Yeah I'm so a woman on the train It doesn't make it cute Like he's a young lad, right? But he needs to be told. Definitely. If you're singing a song about,

I'm just thinking about having sex with a woman or getting off with a woman in the cargo train. I don't even think we have cargo trains in the cargo hold for the train. We don't have them. You know how seriously we as a nation, particularly in London, actually it's probably mostly London, we as Londoners take the idea that you do not speak to people on trains. Correct, yeah.

Big Pav sent me a photo message the other day of a picture of you about five people down from on the train and I said why don't you say hello to him? He said I do not speak to anyone on the fucking train, I don't care who it is, I'm not doing it. Take it serious. I texted him, I commended him who it is, I'm not doing it. Take it serious, you know? I texted him, I commended him on it, and he said, there are members of my family on this train and I don't talk to them.

Yeah. Well, you know, speaking of the old metro kind of, you know, whatever it is, trying to, how would you describe it, like trying to get the attention of someone for a newspaper kind of letter or whatever? It's like Lost Connections, is it? Lost Connections, that's what it's called,

something like that. Or was Connections just a kind of, I want to meet someone to go for a drink with or whatever. It's like Lost Connections, is it? Lost Connections. That's what it's called, something like that. Or was Connections just a kind of, I want to meet someone to go for a drink with or whatever? The one I've got a real problem with. It was always like, I saw you on the train, you were reading Dostoevsky. Yeah, they're the ones I've got a problem with. It's like, could anyone help me track down the really attractive blonde woman on the bus last week?

No. No, we're not aiding this. But do you remember the Ashley Madison hack yes yeah yeah I still watch that documentary on Netflix it's really pathetic I think there was like there was only two women on the whole site that's what I was gonna say so basically thousands of men there was so it turned out of the 9,700 only something like 2% of them had ever replied to a message. It's absolutely damning for the male of the species. We should pivot to like a male how to get laid.

We got ladies. A lot of men out there don't have ladies. We could become the more socially responsible and do whatever his fucking name is. Like we could, there's always money to be made in virginity, someone suggests. But I don't think I'm going to get much money for getting up in front of a load of virgins and saying,

I don't know how I did this. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a good. Actually. Yeah, there's no there's no My wife, but she refuses to be here That's as far as it's gonna go she doesn't want to think about how it all happened Yeah, let's get Jake Humphrey to do it. It do it. What do you reckon? I do an inspirational chat Oh, Joe Humphrey definitely do it. He's like the he'd use the example of him moving to like London from Norwich or something. It would always be about Norwich somewhere. The humble son of a charity worker. We said we'd do an email special Pete, so let's just do some emails now because otherwise we're going to let our listeners down

and we don't want to do that. Dumb right. So I'm going to go first because Jordan sent a follow up email after, because he's the son of the hero bin man. Yes, the hero bin man with the hard looking dad. The hero bin man was the guy who stopped the carjacking. Yes correct. By being hard and then he got it in the newspaper. But Jordan's gone back to us and said, look, following on from when you said my dad was carved out of a quarry and is ridiculously

hard, apart from that being completely false, I come with another story. I mean, I can't take the fact, I'm not having the fact that his dad's not hard. He is hard. No, he is. We can see for crying out loud, Jordan. We can see. Exactly. With our own eyes. And maybe Jordan's really hard and it takes more to impress him, right? Yeah, good point But he says my dad and the team are known to the local people and frequently help out the our elderly but getting their bins when They haven't been able to put them out Wave at the kids as they drive by and all that kind of stuff two years prior to his carjack averting

Hijinks they were emptying the bins when they noticed one of the elderly regulars Wasn't there to wave and ask for help with his bin, as has been the case every week for a long time. My dad decided to just double check and make sure everything was okay, went to take a peek into the window which while very unusual ended up being a good idea my dad noticed the elderly gentleman's hand on the floor reaching up towards the window trying to get someone's attention. Him and the team smashed their way in and called for. Him and the team smashed their way in and called for an ambulance,

and the elderly gentleman ended up surviving this ordeal simply because my dad exhibited the strange behavior of looking in his window. I have no news article for this, but tell me, I have no news article for this one, but it comes after me showing him the last episode and him telling me the story. Just so Pete knows though, his shed is very small

and he's nowhere near as hard as the pictures make him look, but he did used to bring home Mega Drive and PlayStation games that he found in the bins when I was younger. So what about that? Cheers, Jordan. Let's get specific with titles, Jordan. I wanna know what titles he managed to find.

I mean, I imagine like, if you take the bins out for like game back in the day, they probably threw out some absolute beauts, some some collectors edition stuff. But do they do commercial premises though? I don't know to be honest he might be he might be a hired gun you never know. I mean I guess he's probably too busy to take any extra work just looking through old people's windows. Hello? Bin man's here. Hello? What's going on here? Yeah, no, what it was son is that I helped him. I was helping him. I don't know how that stuff went missing. He must have put it in the bin. Do you want to do the next one mate from Matt? Why is he delivering an elderly, ill man to hospital in a bag?

He's got no possessions. Stop saying, stop casting aspersions on John's hard dad. Just having a bit of fun with it. He's gonna find ya. He's gonna put you in a bin. And they'll be taking out the trash. They'll be taking out the trash, yeah. Matt has got in touch, hi Luke and Pete, long time listener but first time emailer. Having me to this year's Glass Marie, I wonder if either of you had kept up with much of it but I wanted to get in touch with you about one particular band we saw this year. We were hanging about the West Holt stage waiting to see Jungle, headline on the Friday evening, when Heilung, or Heilung,

a Nordic folk music band who were playing beforehand were introduced. Before they came on the horse won the crowd, they had likely said anything like it before which I I found hard to believe at Glastonbury. However, when High Lung came on, the lead vocalist started blessing the stage with herbs and mist. I knew we were in for a treat. They were described as conjuring music with human and animal bones and blood, and later it transpired that their drums used horse skin painted with human blood, the drummer uses a human forearm bone as a drumstick. Human ashes in a clear rattle, all while the lead singer busts some great Mongolian throat singing.

Despite the madness, it was fascinating one of the more enjoyable sets at this year's festival. It sounds right up Pete's street and I'd recommend checking out their set on iPlayer Keep Up The Great Work. Matt, did Jordan's dad supply the bone. Maybe found in the bin. I've sent you a photo of them in the whatsapp. Okay let me get that up. I would say that like there's some pretty tortured stuff that goes on in some stages at Glastonbury. These guys are into it. I like how much they commit to it. Wow, I mean that is pretty astonishing garb, innit? It's basically Slipknot. Viking Slipknot. I find, this is going to sound really pretentious, but I do genuinely find quite a lot of Mongolian

throat singing decent. It's very kind of primal, obviously, very very interesting and the best music is conjuring of the environment it's from and it really does do that for me. I think it's cool. And I also think that, you know, you've got to respect the fact that Heilung, if that's how you pronounce it, they've had top 10 albums in Germany and Austria. Yeah. I mean, that is, I mean, Lordy didn't even manage that. And I am comparing with Lordy. I don't think they should be compared to Lordy though should they? I sort of look at their kind of setup and they've done some lovely work on their microphone stands.

Most of them are made of sticks, horns maybe. One is not horned, it's just a normal microphone stand which they're probably a bit annoyed about that. They don't have enough horns to make the microphone stands out of. I would say that like there's not a day goes by that that doesn't see a follow a few musicians on on Twitter and A lot of them complain about their guitars getting damaged. Yeah Using American American Airlines, and I would say a getting human bones into a country, difficult to square away. And also I would say just, their kit looks very fragile. Very, very fragile. Yeah and also the one thing that makes me a little bit squeamish about listening to

them is this one sentence on their Wikipedia page, I'm just going to read it to you. Their music is entirely based on texts and runic inscriptions from Germanic peoples of the iron age and the Viking age. It's just a bit like, can you do, have you got any songs about modern stuff? Do you do any covers? I'm just worried about the bookings they're not going to get. Yeah, it's a good point actually. I mean, you're not going to get like a Friday night at Mean Fiddler are you?

Really with that kind of caper. God rest it. R.I.P. God rest it. R.I.P. Have we done a break? We haven't done a break have we? No, let's get out of here and come back with another two more emails. I've got another couple of emails here. Lovely. Alright. We're back with a look at Pete Shaw.

I'm Pete Olsen and I'm John Maloki Moor. And we've piled through your emails. We enjoyed very much hearing about High Long. Yeah, we'll watch them on the iPlayer. I didn't actually get into as much of a Glastonbury issue as I did the year before. Because my son is now one rather than six weeks old, but he just didn't do anything. Is your son watching any telly himself? Is he watching a bit of Glastonbury? He's not that into TV, really. He's, um...

Chugging a bit of Wiggles as well? Nah, he'll do two or three minutes of that kind of stuff. We watched an episode of Bing the other day, which is only five minutes long. And I think he was kind of semi-interested, but he's just such a boy. He wants to throw stuff, basically. He wants to throw stuff. Is he not, I guess, because narrative stuff's a bit long isn't it and You're too young for that. Is there anything kind of like

I think you need to like have like ASMR for babies and stuff like dancing pineapples to some kind of weird beat. I'm not going to introduce that stuff to him because I think he'll discover it sooner or later. I don't really see how it's helping. Get him vlogging. Yeah, good do. Get him vlogging. Get him podcasting. What about this email from Nick. Hello Luke and Pete. I live in California and I love the show. Typically Californian intro to that email. Very positive.

I was listening to the ocean poop episode and Luke talking about his traffic school experience. That's my driver's speed awareness course. I've actually got another driver's awareness course to do next month. Why? Why have you got two? So basically, those who listen to these who actually know me and think of me as being a responsible person, which I fucking am, will be worried for me. You shouldn't be worried for me. The first one was because I think I got caught doing 76 on the motorway. Fair enough.

I would argue that's a little bit much. This one is because I did a U-turn in front of a temporary traffic light. When there was no one else on the street. This is very interesting. How did you get caught doing that? Camera on top of the temporary traffic light. Do they have those? That's what they said. That's an interesting development. Good to know. Because when that goes red, I'm still going to get away with it. If I think I still get... I had no idea it had cameras on it. Wow, that's upsetting's that's a that's upsetting The annoying thing about it is I was driving that deserted road. They were doing some roadworks temporary traffic lights I saw them up ahead. I was like, well, I'm not gonna fucking sit there. I'll just go a different way There was no one around. There's a big wide road. So I did a u-turn. Yeah fucking apparently you can't do that. But how

Who's disseminating that information? Who's finding out that you did a U-turn in front of a temporary traffic light? Deep state night. How are they figuring that out? I might have to phone it somewhere, let me find it. Well it's not like a binary thing, is it? You're not going through a red light, whether, you know, some people choose to do sometimes.

Not me. But like, they know that you're doing a U-turn before you even get to the traffic light. Surely that's outside the remit of a camera on top of a traffic light. I'm confused. I think I've chuckled that away. Is AI involved? Right.

And that sound there was me opening the desk behind me, not me doing a big pump. So I thought that you could only have one speed awareness course. Is this like a different one? Like it don't be a C word course or? No, so you cannot do one speed awareness course, this is a driver awareness course. Oh, so if I'd... Right, so if one may already be on a few points after a driver awareness course and then possibly buying a faster car than you're used to. Hypothetically speaking of course. Hypothetically speaking if you possibly go for from a, let's say, for a sake of argument to find out if I wanted to do a Jaguar and in the first three weeks of you getting that Jaguar

you managed to break the speed limit three times. And so you go through and get a few points on your license. Can I, if I do a naughty like a U-turn in front of a red light, do I have to take the speed awareness course or is this before I get points or have I got another kind of get out of jail before I get in jail kind of situation before they have to put points on me? I don't know why you're asking me. It sounds like you're massively au fait with the situation. So what is this course going to be all about? I'm getting away with the fact that it wasn't a speeding offence. Yeah, okay, right.

I've joined, do you want me to read you some of my notes from my speed awareness course? I had to write that. Yeah, okay. I've just seen the word traffic and angry there. Traffic, angry, impatient, deep breaths, gain perspective, idiot. Idiot.

Small increase in speed equals a big difference. Anyway, what does that mean? Like as in sort of like don't pull off so quickly. No, it means that I guess it means that if you say if you look at it to related to stopping distances, for example, like, you know, if you go and say 10 miles now over the speed limit, yeah, it's kind of exponential how long it takes you to stop In comparison, I guess It's a good thing to Nick right. Yeah

Nick says I was listening to the ocean poop episode Luke talking about traffic school experience. I like that. You call it traffic school. I Guess that's kind of a gentle away of putting it. What do you mean as in like? Cuz they're traffic crush to their traffic school. Oh what they have like oh Yeah, okay. have traffic school. Oh, what? They have like... Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, traffic school. Yeah, that's fine. Could I continue? You have new speed awareness. Nick says, it reminded me of my own way back in 2008 when I just got my license in high school. This is back in the day when we couldn't use Zoom and had to go to the local courthouse for an

eight-hour class. This is interesting because I suppose what I'm reading between the lines here, and I don't really know the state of California very well at all, but what I guess he's saying is that once you've passed your, or got your license, you don't have to go and do an eight hour class to get, I guess to get road legal, I suppose. Because some of the laws in some of the states that I've been to in the US are things like if you've just passed your test, you're not for example allowed to drive at night or you can't have someone else in the car with you, that kind of thing. Anyway, so the only thing I remember is at one point watching a video on the danger of

trains. They show dramatised videos of people walking on train tracks while listening to music with headphones on and unable to hear. I heard stories for rednecks in the south talk about how they never really considered trains may be dangerous until they heard about a local dying from one. It was an entirely uninformative eight hours and frankly your two and a half hours on zoom sounds like heaven. Cheers Nick. The irony being that you can't get a train for love nor money in the US anyway. No, rare images I suppose seeing a train in America. They do seem louder and bigger though,

the old American trains I love the double-decker European ones. Don't you? Yeah, I do too. They're always there's always the idea that somebody might be filming pornography on them Why just just I've run into a lot like back in the day There just seemed to be a lot of European train pornography. I've no idea why not a clue I didn't like the version of hedge pornography? No no I mean like people filming pornography on trains like in back in the day the birth of like you know my my awakening on on the internet there should be a lot of like European porn filmed on trains I don't

know maybe that was just my corner of the internet I managed to find. But yeah, very, very weird. But double-decker trains. Great, great stuff. I mean, if you've filmed your own pornography on a double-decker training, by all means, get in touch. Please do. Please do. Let's show you squeeze in one more email before we ship off. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. All right. And Brendan, I recently had to do a driver awareness course

and can only echo Luke's sentiments that I found it really patronising apart from a wonderful moment of, okay, let's move on. The person leading the course was flexing their self-righteous agenda. I wasn't as harsh as Brendan's been. No, I don't think so. I think they're doing their job. I fully understood it. But made a four-part when picking on-

As my notes would attest to, by the way. They, anger. They made a four-part when picking on... That's what my notes would attest to, by the way. They, uh, anger. They made a four-part when picking on the least interested person to call out. Unfortunately for her, she didn't pick on me this time. She asked one of the attendees, would you rather lose her licence or her passport? Oh, good question. What are you saying there? I'd say... Um...

It'd be a fucker either way, wouldn't it? Um, yeah, passport probably. These days. Passport. For how long? Brexit means Brexit. Yeah, I was trying to think. I think, I mean I've got a one year old.

You're in London I think you could probably see off you. Life would be a nightmare without a car though. Yeah. Anyway, carry on. Anyway, well the person the instructor singled out, expecting to be humble in front of a group of strangers, regularly went abroad and would happily rely on public transport, so hypothetically surrendered her license she was attending the course for. You could feel the warm glove delight and people power from all those other attendees

as the course tutor was rendered speechless. Those few seconds of awkward silence, more than made up for those two and a half hours, I will never get back a Britain I mean we're almost on that kind of line are we were kind of on the fence on both sides? I think yeah, I kind of I really understand the point of the the question Hmm, it's actually a really difficult one for me to answer, but I like the fact that she's just going yeah fuck the license difficult one for me to answer but I like the fact that she's just going yeah fuck the license yeah well yeah and also I think but I think only recently getting

my license means it's slightly more disposable for me. It's precious. Well yes I guess it is more precious but in other ways I've experienced life without it. Oh so what you mean yeah okay yeah but you couldn't live where you live without a car now. No true true that. That's the thing is that's the thing with like, the US is the same, like, very difficult to live in New York City or wherever. Oh, to get around, to go to America. Good God. Good God. Yeah, you need it. You need it big time. Alright Peter, on that delicate note, on that bombshell, let's leave. Take us out of here.

Lovely stuff. Yeah, we'll be back very soon indeed. Get your batteries in, get your emails in because the email box is now empty for now we'll be filling it back up for the next show no doubt. Hello, Luke and Pete short is the way to do it, we'll see you soon have a lovely few days and we'll be back on Thursday. Ta ta! The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the A-Cast Creator Network.