The Luke and Pete Show - Every bloke is a nerd really

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

Would you want to play a plane simulation game in real time and sit in front of a screen for an 8 hour long-haul flight? The lads talk about arcades in Soho, which leads them to the ultimate question - which arcade games are the gayest?Elsewhere, Pete compares Luke to an iceberg and Luke learns his lesson when the wife he has access to doesn’t let him in after he’s late for bath time.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete Show I am Pete Donaldson Welcome to the show I'm joined by Mr. Lukey Moore and it is Monday the 15th of April We're not recording it on Monday the 15th of April so if something terrible has happened it's not our fault, alright?

We're not taking this down Well it might be our fault we don't know what it is Good point actually I could have had a heavy weekend and taken it all very personally It's the butterfly effect, isn't it? It is.

You pop down to the bloody boozer and get yourself eight pints of fizzy lager. Yeah. Stumble in front of a car, which swerves. Oh, dear. Causes a chain reaction. Before you know it, there's a hurricane in somewhere else. This could be my final work. my final work my final works

depending on what the what the calendar is saying in the Braun Japan and WrestleMania universe

you're not the kind of guy to just stumble down the pub and have a bunch of beers though are you on your own no unless it's a pumping indie beat I'm not interested in it would it draw you in

like a tractor beam if you could hear it down the street yeah fire a bit of 22 grand job by the rakes, you just get sucked in. To be fair, that would actually pull me in. I'd be like, interesting.

You don't hear that very often. So you don't, because one of the best parts of my week, any week really, is, you know, squeezing a couple of hours into the working week on the way home one evening. That's lovely, that. That's absolutely lovely. Let's have a couple of beers at the bar just start the bar yeah yeah a little bit a little bit of look time mine's uh what's where's mine where's my uh we did it we did a show once where it was called masters of man time me and danny wallace such a stupid man time that was like a

weird brand thing it was a brand thing it. It was a Foster's or something. It was some brand anyway. Strongbow. Strongbow, was it? Masters of Man Time. I think it might have been Strongbow. Okay. I remember it back in the day.

Weird, very weird. What did you do? What kind of stuff did you have to do? I just need some man time, I think. I don't know. I can't remember. It was a very busy period. I think we were maybe going out to Johannesburg

for the World Cup so I really didn't have time to I just felt like I let Danny Wallace down to be honest so apologies to Danny What's he up to now? He's got

he's got his he's got like well he's got his executive editor he's obviously bussing out books left right and centre he writes a lot of kids books now

Has he moved on since working with you or is that the like the apex of his career? Well you know he probably thinks about it a lot thinks about it a lot If Thinks about it a lot. If I was him,

I would upgrade his Wikipedia photo. What does it look like? It's like a proper 2008 styled photo. And he's done loads of stuff since then. Yeah, but I don't think you can piss about with your... Oh, yeah. That was his front cover

of when he used to write for shortlist remember that shortlist yes i do remember he had that column in short he wrote an astonishing amount like he wrote it every it was every week wasn't it yeah and it ran for like 10 years or something it was insanely long uh period of time to be writing something yeah is he still is he still your friend yeah what do Like, as in, we don't really talk all that much, but... Can I ask you a question that you might not want to answer? I could text him.

Well, it depends if you want me to text him or not. I don't want you to text him. I don't want to bother. I just heard on the grapevine that you had a big fallout with Dave Gorman. Yeah, I think so.

But, I mean, I think that was on both sides. No, sorry. I think it was more on Dave's side than his, I think. Okay. Because they used to work together quite a lot, right? Yeah. But I think it was more on Dave's side than his I think okay because I used to work there quite a lot right yeah but I

think that was that was a long time ago that was before Danny started doing stuff himself I think so okay people fall out I know watch out buddy we don't watch out

big man we don't because I put up with all your shit yeah I put we all your shit I'm not very very patient and I'm not very very patient you're not very, very patient. You're not very, very... Speaking of which, by the way,

in the biggest role reversal ever, you know, I lost... I'll tell you, I lost my keys. I saw you scrabbling around on the stat group asking if you'd seen any keys. Well, I actually found them in the end. Everyone treated you very nicely. If I'd said that, everyone would have piled in.

You do do it. you very nicely. If I'd said that, everyone would have piled in. You do do it. You're a, you're a, you're a,

you're a, you're a underrated stress ball. You're an underrated What are you talking about? I don't lose stuff that often. Sorry,

you're an underrated kind of panicker a little bit. You're a down-law panicker but you keep this kind of like iceberg of cool but really,

your legs are going like, oh Billy, I've lost my keys it's a confusing metaphor i don't think icebergs have got legs they have they have they've got legs well let me just come back on that because um it's a bone of contention in this household because the wife i have access to will always tell people when we're in polite company oh luke's always losing his sunglasses right and every time I have to say right

fucking one one pair I lost one pair I lost 20 million times and the second time I apparently lost my sunglasses

because my bag got stolen it's not exactly my fault that that happened yeah but your bag didn't a lady come over

and do like the map trick and stole your phone with the map again I was a victim of a crime correct yes that happened a crime that correct. Yes, that happened.

A crime that has been repeated for decades in London. I'm a traditionalist. If anyone comes over with a map, I'm grabbing all of my stuff. Get out of it. I wasn't really aware of that scam and it also happened on my 40th birthday, which is disgusting. So I was without a phone. The 20th year

in London. Love it. So I eventually found my keys, but the plot thickened because I couldn't find them for ages. And on Wednesday is the day I normally bath my son, right? I come home a bit earlier and I get him all ready to do his bath and stuff. It's actually like a bit of a highlight of the week. And because I was trying to find my keys, I was running late.

Yeah. And so I frantically got home, couldn't find them. So I had to ring the doorbell, knock the door, ring... That's an ordeal when you've got a dog, when you've got dogs in the house as well.

Because like, you know, people might be asleep resting and you have to wake up the house and the dogs go crazy when the doorbell goes. It's a whole thing. So yeah, it's a real issue when I repeatedly forget my cheese.

Exactly. If he had been in bed, I wouldn't have rung the bell. But I was calling the wife, actually. She wasn't answering. Right. Cut a long story short. Because I was late,

she started to bath him already. And she just decided that I had to sit outside waiting for it to be finished before she let me in. So I had to sit on the doorstep. But anyway, I found them in the end, guys. On your stoop, like a sitcom. I don't want to be... Sesame Street. I don't want to be someone who has a reputation for losing things.

That's the problem. For sitting on your stairs. But you lose stuff all the time. I don't. I've just got too much stuff. I've got too much stuff that means so much to me. I've got too many keys.

I've got too many responsibilities. I think your keys policy is absolutely crazy to me. I cannot believe you go about your life in that way. How many key rings have you got? Because you are a real separation of church and state.

Always keep your keys, your car keys and your house keys separate. Why? Because you don't lose everything in one go then. But then you have to carry two sets of keys around. That's insane.

Well, I'm not always leaving the house. So, okay, I'll tell you what's insane. You go to work, right? Right. And even though you're not getting to work in the car, you're taking your car keys with you. Yeah. No one else is driving the car,

so who else needs it apart from me? No, but it doesn't matter. If you lose your keys, and you get home and you need to go drive the car, you can't. Well, yeah, but like, if I lose my keys anyway, that would happen, wouldn't it?

If I had my car keys and I lost my car keys, I wouldn't be able to drive my car. So the end result is the same. I think there's got to be a strict separation of church and state on this. Office keys, house keys and car keys should all be separate. What, three key rings? Have you lost your love? That's insanity.

Your key ring's about the size of a fucking planet. Are you made of key rings? Yeah, but I like it. I feel like a big boy. I tell you what, the biggest power move in Stack available is you walking into the office and slamming your keys on the table. The whole fucking building shakes.

And you got really pissed off the other day because I said to you, that is an obscene set of keys. And you went, no, I need every single one of them. Pick out a key and I'll tell you instantly what it's for. And about three of them you couldn't.

No, one of them I couldn't. And not all of the other ones. What was it? Postroom, scooter bag for know all of the other ones. What was it? Post room, scooter bag for the back of the scooter, scooter, key for the car,

key, there's two offices in stack, so two keys there. There's a fob on there. There's my front door house key. There's a key for the car I'm importing. A lock,

two versions of the same key for the lock on the car I'm importing. The key for the car I'm importing, a lock, two versions of the same key for the lock on the car I'm importing. The key for the handcuffs of that guy you changed to the radiator. The key for the handcuffs you changed to the radiator. Yeah, there's just a lot of keys in my life, baby. Yeah. I think as a species,

we've evolved too much if there's that many keys. I should just get a skeleton key. Just opens everything. Is that a myth or does that exist in real life? I think you'd have to have a very shoddy set of locks to be able to get in there. I've not watched The Lockpicking Lawyer for a little while, but I think it's very much... I feel like as a society, part of me thinks we should have technologically moved beyond keys. Of course, in some cases we have.

We've got passes and I guess in hotels now it's just a electronic thing isn't it but i feel like keys but the fundamental kind of technology under those kind of like remote access app access fingerprint access um they're so generic and so kind of no one's willing to sort of do it properly that you sort of end up um making it less secure than just a common old garden Yale. It's really sad. Because when I wanted to get a safe for the house, you told me not to bother because every single safe you can buy commercially is a load of old shit.

Yeah. I mean, if you know what you're doing, especially like the fingerprinty ones, just get one of those ones you like put in the floor. I told you. I can't do that. You said that before. I just don't understand the point. I don't understand what you're talking about.

You just get a safe in the floor because then they can't take the safe and then angle grinder it open later or use magnets to open it. Don't just keep saying put it in the floor. Tell me what it means because I live on the first floor. Cement it into the floor. Cement it into the floor. Cement the safe into the floor so they can't take the safe. This is the kind of fuzzy thinking that you put your foot through an Airbnb ceiling.

I can't just put cementer safe into the floor and the first floor flat. All you're doing, right, with stuff like that is you're slowing someone down. So just do the maddest thing you can possibly think of that they wouldn't have brought. They wouldn't have brought like a pickaxe. They wouldn't have brought something

that's going to break something out of cement. They won't have done that. So all of the ways that it would usually sort of remove that safe from your house is kind of moot, I suppose. All right, N-Tough guy. I'm just going to put you in a scenario. You've been to my flat. You know what it's like.

Victorian flat, first floor. There's people living downstairs. First floor limits the whole cement in the floor bit. Well, I was going to say. I'll admit that. How are you doing it? Well, like, all

right, we'll put it into a load-bearing mall, but like put it into like a brick wall. Yeah. Get it in there so they can't remove it.

It's just wacky ideas. There's no thought behind it. It's just a way to put you safe. Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to try to move house. Here I am. I'm going to put it behind a picture. Yes. And the picture, the eyes of the person in the picture are going to put your safe. Do you know what I'm going to do? Aren't you trying to move house? I'm going to put it, here I am, I'm going to put it behind a picture. Yes. Behind the picture, the eyes of the person in the picture are going to move.

Exactly. That's what I should do. I do want to move house, but the whole thing's an absolute nightmare of admin, isn't it? Well, you shouldn't have, it's not that safe.

I know, because I'll put the safe where the front door should be, and now I can't get out. I've got nothing to put in the safe. I just don't want to leave things lying around. I've got a massive bunch of keys that I need to put somewhere. Anyway, Peter, we should probably take the time to do a few emails. We haven't done any for a while,

and we did promise last time we recorded that we'd do something. Lovely. What about this from ScampiFryJoe? Love it. Trailed it on the last episode, and it's about on the subject of candy floss because fairly recently we had a conversation didn't we about how long it would take you Peter to source candy floss in the seaside town in which you live. Scampi Fry Joe says being a long-term Luke

and Pete Show and Ramble listener as well as someone who works in Soho it didn't take any effort to figure out where Pete's former former flat was he must have lived on old compton street because the chip shop really gave it away with this in mind i recently visited the last las vegas arcade on wardle street which for those of you don't know london is is a road off the end of old compton street yeah as i had half an hour to kill amongst the japanese arcade machines what did i find but a candy floss machine. See attached photo. That meant the whole time Pete was living in Soho, he was a one-minute walk away from candy floss, per Google Maps.

If you are taking one minute to get from my front door to that particular Vegas... The Las Vegas Arcade. The Las Vegas Arcade. You are lollygagging, I believe. Yeah. But is that a gay-themed arcade? What do you mean? Because I thought every is that a gay-themed arcade? What do you mean?

Because I thought every business around... Cranky-themed like it. No, every business on that road is essentially... It's basically the gay district of...

Well, it used to be, yeah. Yeah, you got... Yeah, you got... I think as gentrification works, all of the interesting stuff gets pushed out and you get a shop

that just sells fucking crisps. I don't really know what a game, a gay arcade is, I suppose. A gay-themed arcade is. Yeah, I mean, what are the gayest games? I suppose Final Fight.

Remember Final Fight? Yes. Any fighting game. Very, very muscular. Yeah, but it was the mayor employed. I think Hagar might have been the mayor and he was like a sexy mayor. I think that was the plot of Final Fight

it was like a precursor to Street Fighter or maybe it came out at the same time but there was some proper barrel chested men in that one like proper Tom and Finland

stuff so I think one of the Geist arcade games must be Final Fight big lads big lads isn't it a side scrolling like beat em up though

it's not a Street Fighter game is it no yeah it's a side scroller but item-up though? It's not a Street Fighter game, is it? No, yeah, it's a side scroller but it's, yeah, but it's similar. I used to love those. Everyone's incredibly buff in it.

Yeah, I used to love those side, those side scrolling games like Double Dragon and stuff. Golden Axe. Oh, Golden Axe, the classic.

I reference Golden Axe quite a lot because Sarah leaves little cups of water around the house and I say it's like those little goblins that leave little vials behind and you kick them

such a niche reference that is a niche reference I think the only time we've ever played a video game together was Golden Axe

drunkenly finished it on my little arcade machine were you the dwarf or the big barbarian I was the big barbarian because you know life in a titan art

and all that so thank you for that scampi fry Joe good to know did you ever go to the arcade then because you love a video game surely you must have been in there with your

50p's I mean it was mainly people selling weed their main feature was I think it was a big air hockey turbo which is I think you're

struggling for custom if that's going to be your main draw yeah I think I think there might have been a fifa cab i think there were fifa cabs back in the day yeah it was all right it was it was just very um you'd sort of there wasn't that much stuff in there our kids nowadays are a bit rubbish aren't they yeah i mean i grew up around a lot of arcades because obviously i grew up by the seaside myself so um there was arcades and amusement arcades we used to go down to quite a lot yeah and but that was the thing with that was that was kind of before

you had so much access to so many different video games right so even even if you had a super nintendo which i had you'd probably if you're lucky you've probably got in my case you've probably got four or five games if you're lucky yeah right it's not like you can take your pick like you can these days so going down there was a genuine treat and they'd have like games and the other thing about it which was attractive was they had like actual guns yeah like guns and and and they the graphic technology would be just so much further advanced than what you could you could buy like neo geos and stuff that were kind of the same as what you get in the arcade but that was like 200 quid a game back in the day which is absolutely ridiculous but um that that was the exciting thing i very much enjoyed when they used to kind of convert these like pneumatic robust

explosive experiences in the arcade and they'd put them on the spectrum and they'd be crap absolutely crap street fighter 2 on the spectrum is like a real, it's real something else. It's just good stuff. It's good stuff. Do you remember, what was I going to say?

I remember the fact that the big appeal was driving games as well, but if you look at some of the setups people have at home now, I mean, it's obscene. It's absolutely obscene. I like the ones that you don't see in many places

like Denshi Dago train simulator in Japan and you just whip through the Yamanote line in Tokyo

just in a massive train cab and now I sort of know a little bit of you know holiday Japanese and I can actually run the cab now

I can actually get into a game and play it which I kind of failed on previous attempts and it's just really it's just good man so none of the stuff's in English

it's all just in kanji and stuff yeah it's all simple but the few times I've done it before I couldn't get into the game I couldn't figure out

what was going on but I finally got in but like it was it's just such a fun it's such a relaxing kind of like you know I don't know why fun, it's such a relaxing kind of like, you know, it,

I don't know why they're not bigger, like these little kind of train controls. I don't know why these games aren't bigger in, in, in the West. Cause like, you sit, you sit there for hours,

like just stick a podcast on, or a bit of telly, and just drive a train, right? And you know, it's all just about stopping at the right distance, picking up the right amount of speed. Yeah,

it is. What is it,, is it? Yeah, I think it's mindful. I think I might build myself a little train cab. Forgive my ignorance here, but if you're playing a flight simulator where, say, it's like Microsoft Flight Simulator, whatever it is now, and you elect to fly from London to Frankfurt or whatever, so that's like a two and a half hour flight, are you actually expected to sit there for two and a half hours or does it speed up

I think you can you have the option I think to sort of go right do you want this to be real time do you want this to be half time

do you want this to be all you know all that stuff really do you want this to be quicker than like I guess you what would you do

I'd climb up to the highest point and then just kind of skip to skip to landing because there's nothing else really going on that's what I'm saying.

Why does anyone want to play it if that's the case? Well, what do you mean? Well, it's not. It might just be called Microsoft Takeoff and Landing Simulator. Well, no, people can choose what they want to do. It's really open-ended. It's a real technical feat, the whole thing. I like those blokes who basically take

big buildings in Dubai and Qatar and places like that, and basically the ones that are really flat at the top, they'll basically plonk a Boeing 747 or different kinds of planes and just sort of drive them off and then see if it'll eventually take off. What do you mean? They're basically experts in getting these planes to fly on very short runways and landing them and stuff right so they basically just take they just use these buildings as big as like small runways basically and they'd see if uh if you tried to fly like a dc whatever off the top of it whether it would kind of crash into the ground or would it

manage to take off at full thrust presumably the answer whether it would crash into the ground or would it manage to take off at full thrust? Presumably the answer is it will crash into the ground. A lot of the supersonic hypersonic, I don't know what the fuck, supersonic ones don't seem to fare very well, but the big lads seem to have enough juice. They've just got a lot of engines, haven't they? Some of the Boeings

are difficult though, aren't they? Some of the Boeings are difficult, yeah. Do you know what I'd love to do? I'd love to go out to the US and watch for those experimental, futuristic aircraft to be test flown. Because it must happen. Yeah. When you see UFOs and that kind of stuff,

a lot of it's got to be experimental test flights and stuff. If you see a satellite, you know those planes that have big satellite circles on the top of them? Yeah. That you do radar. I don't really know how it all bloody works. They're called DC-10s, aren't they? I think DC-10s are just planes, aren't they?

Normal planes with the engine on the wheel. Oh, are they? Okay, sorry. But I think these planes obviously have big radar-y kind of hands on them. I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. And I saw one on the top of the... There's a big aircraft carrier

just off in the river in New York. I drove past yesterday. And it basically... It just looks like a big stupid UFO. So that could easily be mistaken for a UFO because it's such an odd sight to see in the sky like a perfectly circular round thing my point is that my point is the technological lag

though because if you think about say when a really futuristic aircraft actually gets put into service right even if it's military service yeah how many years is there a lag between them developing that 20 years yeah well i mean like yeah you gotta keep wasn't there's like a space shuttle like they were developing in the 60s space shuttles that were designed to be flown in like the 80s and stuff like it was like that that much of a lead time yeah absolutely like for example the stealth i'm just looking now the stealth bomber which is still in service now yeah right was being tested in like the early 80s right and and some people think it was being tested in the mid 70s yeah and it was put into service at the end of the 90s so what i'm saying

to you is it's like 20 wanging around in that yeah exactly so yeah so when you hear a lot that chat about like um a triangular shaped aircraft with like lights on the bottom of them and going at crazy speeds and stuff, part of me just thinks, well, of course that's going to be happening because it's probably a natural progression from the technology you see now. Yeah. And they're not going to talk about it because it's proprietary technology. They don't want it to get into the hands of like enemy states and stuff, do they? I just always sort of think those guys who fly planes for the first time, delivering a plane like pilots will take jobs where they'll deliver a plane that's just come off the production line to to wherever it needs to go yeah uh or they'll fly a a plane that's never been you know used used uh you know used in a certain way before or it's been stripped out or

it's you know it's had engine taken off all this stuff and you're like that's quite risky when presumably you do not have a parachute and can't get out of the window like it just seems very like you know that if you're having like a big cargo plane or a uh or a passenger aircraft there's no way of getting out of that like no but that's just their job though isn't it yeah i know but you're like but they tried something the first time has never been flown before like in anger yeah have you have you you should read have you read uh the right stuff by tom wolf i have near what's quite interesting about that is when they're it's about the space race and yeah and all that kind of stuff what's really interesting to me in that is that they obviously target the best fighter pilots in the u.s um and they want to try and convince them to go up in in satellites they're going to orbit the earth right yeah but because the way they're going to be doing that is so

primitive essentially a load of the fire parts don't want to do it because there's basically no skill involved because all they're going to be doing is be launched into orbit circum navigate the earth a few times and then come down again and what they used to do and it's like a load of really high skill maneuvering in aircrafts which they won't be doing in that so what's the point you might just set anyone up like there's no point so they don't want to do it which i kind of find it's quite interesting it's something i didn't really consider before because it's that it's that it's that ability and those skills that have got to the very apex of technology but the technology is advancing in such a way that at that point

there was no skill involved in it. Now, obviously, that's not the case now because it's very, very different now, but then they were basically just being chucked up in a tin can and spun around the earth, and they just weren't bothered about it. Anyway, let's have a break, and when we come back, we'll just squeeze a couple more emails in before we get out of here and leave everyone alone for a few days. All right.

It's the Luke and Pete pretty short and we are back lukey have you ever experienced um the um the application slash website next door no i've never heard of it what is it it's basically um like a facebook group for um your local area and i love people who get upset on that. Sounds like the worst thing in the world. The worst. There's a person who, about five minutes ago, reported that a famous con man is in the area. I'm not going to give his name. But he just knocked on my door in West Glyphon Sea. He's been jailed for conning elderly people regarding driveways.

And then somebody set up a Twitter page of the same man with loads of pictures of him. And it says, I am a con man turned window cleaner and driveway cleaner How does one become a famous con man these days? I don't know I think it's quite quaint really It's like the monorail guy

in the Simpsons. Yeah it says I am currently working as a window cleaner but I am a thief and a con man. I have not learnt from my previous mistakes and continue to steal. That's his Twitter bio which I think is very funny. Oh dear. Is he going to pop down your place is he?

Well we could do with a bit of help. We could do with a bit of help I reckon. Yeah. To help to do what? Bit of a mess. It's just general

bits and bobs. The garden is looking atrocious. I don't think he did a con man to help you with that. You'll come back one day and the garden will be gone.

Just be an empty space. He'll have it. Just be an empty space. He'll have it away. It's terrible. Let's just squeeze one more email in from Ian, our friend Ian.

Hello to you, Ian. He says, hi Luke and Pete, on the subject of Bruce Dickinson and real ale, we must have been

talking about the Hobgoblin, Hobgoblin, who got you the sack from Exoferma, maybe talked about the Trooper Ale,

which is the Iron Maiden Ale, I guess. Ian says, I wanted to let you know about some legitimate beef I have with the man, Bruce Dickinson. Last year,

Bruce wrote the Real Ale Guide for Camera, which in itself is brilliant. That is amazing he's doing that. Good God. Do you know what camera is, Peter? It's a bit like Nambla. It's the campaign for doing that. Good God. Do you know what camera is, Peter? It's a bit like Nambla. It's the campaign for real ale. Right.

So people who really get into, the beards who really get into their beer. Yeah. And I think if you keep the beer properly and you stock a certain type of beer well, you get to go in the guide camera and then people who love proper ale know that your pub is safe to visit.

Yeah, safe to visit. My ex, her family has a pub love proper ale know that your pub is safe to visit yeah the safe to visit my ex had her family had a pub and they were in the real ale guide

and just love absolutely nerds coming in with their little books writing stuff down that's alright though isn't it

I don't know again I just and you haven't got me sitting there with my train sim no I'm not I'm having to go to you with your keys i haven't got

all right i think there's um there's a bunch of lads who um who go around all the football grounds right right and um there's it's quite interesting the rules that a lot of them impose on themselves for whether they can count a ground that they've actually visited right okay so some of them would say that like they're basically ground hoppers and they tick off every ground they can go to in football yeah and um some would say that you have to have seen a game and heard the final whistle okay right you can't just go there yeah see the final whistle i wonder if that well do you think people were sort of popping in and then just leaving again?

Taking some pictures and then fucking off? Some would say that you have... Yeah, yeah. Some would say you have to buy a couple of programmes, one to read and one for the old folder. One to keep. Yeah. There's lots of different rules.

Anyway, the old Real Ale fans are just... It's just everyone... Every bloke is a nerd in one way or another, isn't he? Hugely, hugely. And me adding stuff like cars to my life recently and planes and stuff.

It's just enhanced my life. You want to be cool with the bigger boys. There are no bigger boys in my life that I had to impress. There are no more worlds left to conquer when it comes to bigger boys. Oh, hello, there's a big cat. There's a big cat looking at the webcam. Hello.

Hello, Magnus. Anyway, Ian picks up the story and says, it's basically because it's four o'clock and it's Magnus' dinner time, so he's wondering why I haven't fed him, but I will finish it in a minute. Bruce wrote The Real L Guy for Cameras, what Ian says,

and that came out around the same time. My book, A Beautiful Pint, One Man's Search for the Perfect Part of Guinness, says yeah and that came out around the same time my book a beautiful pint one mad sir my man searched for the perfect part of guinness uh we battled it out for the top beer book on amazon for many many months the best beer boy yeah so it's ian versus bruce dickinson for the best beer boy in the world yeah on amazon and uh he said i would text my friends i am made in hatred content every time he pips me for top spot on the charts, culminating in mine and Pete's mutual friend Gav texting Iron Maiden's tour manager to let him know I wasn't happy.

His response? A single metal horn emoji. Absolute coward. Bruce Dickens has run to the hills as far as I'm concerned. All the best and hope the hobgoblins you have access to are being mischievous on this. Oh, we like it, Ian. Lovely stuff. So I'd love to know, if you just feel for a bit

I'm going to check if whose book is top of the beer charts is there a beer that's going to take too long to find the beer charts I don't think that's a real thing surely it can't be just a chart dedicated to beer it must be some kind of weird kind of metadata they do loads of different like charts

on Amazon I'm sure they do. Did we ever make a chart, the Football Ramble book? Yeah, we made the sports chart for a while, I reckon. Sports chart. We did. Who wants to be in that one? Bar off. All right.

Well, maybe I'll look for next time then. Or maybe Ian can get in touch and tell us. Ian, get in touch. Let us know who's the best and don't lie. Apparently, he knows you. He says you've got mutual friends. Yeah, we have. Oh, you know him?

Yeah. Well, I don't know him, but yeah, I know him. I've heard of him. You called him a nerd earlier. I wasn't. You were calling him a nerd. You don't like him

because all you like is fizzy lager. I like... What we need, Ian, is the fizzy lager guide. I want a guide to the best, most accurate, aggressive chemical construction that I can get down my gullet as quickly as possible and

then try and repeat the process with the second pint and go, oh, this is actually quite gross. Can you down a pint or not? Oh, mate, we've done this before. I'm really good at downing pints. We've seen this. I've never seen you in the pub long enough to down a pint. You're always going somewhere else. I think we'll go out for

a meal in a couple of weeks. I'll show you a downing pint. I think we're going to quite a nice restaurant as a farewell dinner for a dear colleague, aren't we? You're just going to down pints around the toilet. Great. Told you I could fucking do it. Bring another one over. I don't get out very much.

Come on. It's not appropriate. I leave you for a nice restaurant. She loves the sesh. She'd be bang up for joining us. All right. Let's get out of here, sesh lads. Just do it.

We'll be back on Thursday. If you want to do this, get your battery brands in. Who used to do that? This is a PG pediment, isn't it? Elmer Fudd? I know, it's somebody else. I'm thinking Jiminy Cricket, but it's... No, it's not Jiminy Cricket.

Anyway, anyway. It was Jiminy... Not Jiminy Cricket, Jimmy Cricket. Remember Jimmy Cricket? Do you remember he had like wellies with like left and right written on them? Did he have a weird hat as well? Yeah, he was, I think he was, his whole thing was a bit simple. Northern Irish comedian, Jimmy Cricket.

Yeah, he's still alive, 78 years young. Is he? Wowzers. Yeah. Goodness me. Listen to this under his Wikipedia page. Jimmy Cricket's humour is entirely clean. He almost always appears in his trademark outfit.

I'd love to cajole him into a dirty little joke. That would be brilliant. He almost always appears in his trademark outfit of cut-off evening trousers, evening tailcoat, hat, Wellington boots marked L&R for left and right but worn the wrong feet yeah and he frequently

prefaces an anecdote with the catchphrase ladies and gentlemen come here different time different time I miss Jimmy Cricket with his clean humour

he can't get on telly for love nor money these days it's clean but very racist Pete do you know what do you know where he made his name? You're not going to believe this.

South End? The Westcliffe Theatre in Clackson, Hornsfield. The Westcliffe Theatre. It's a nice theatre. There we go. Good stuff. All right, then. We'll be back on Thursday.

And send us your batteries. Hello at littlepete.com. Check us out on TikTok, YouTube, and all kinds of different places. Instagram. Twitter. Twitter. Twitter's pretty good. That's the one we mainly use, isn't it? X.

Oh, fuck him. Fuck him to hell. Right. See you, guys. See you. See you. Yeah. Ta-ta. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production

and part of the ACAST Creator Network.