The Luke and Pete Show - Forest Defenestration

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

It’s a new week and Luke has arrived with a story about how he chucked his Christmas tree out of the window. However, that has nothing on Pete’s chat about his New Year with a surgeon he has access to. Cue a full studio meltdown.Once the lads have calmed down, they find time to read an email about car theft and wheel locks. It’s good advice, really.If you want to share some good advice with The Luke and Pete Show community, email [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Feel free to give us a follow while you're there! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't want to dance It's just another day without you Bit of John Sicada there? No, it's not, is it? Yes Is it really? It is I thought it was Nick Kershaw

Maybe he did aaw maybe he did a cover maybe i think i think cicada did it first he is grammy nominated if not grammy winning uh i hello this is the look picture i picked donaldson joined by look more and we we start in a very informal way don't we sometimes just do what we want we play with the very fabric of what a podcast is and can be. Podcast space time. Podcast space time continuum torn asunder when Pete and Luke are in the studio. Sometimes we'll take the universe, which for the purposes of this experiment should be seen as a flat surface. All right, let it is.

We bend it around. Yeah. Basically for the purposes of a wormhole. You and I sonically travel through that wormhole I go straight up to the listeners' bums and they'll never expect us or suspect us it's no

secret that we recorded some shows before the new year, this is the first recording part we've done during 2022 we had to pre-rec, we made promises about the studio that weren't kept, exactly I thought there was a big problem with the studio before we, uh, before we went broke for,

for December holidays. Yeah. Uh, it started just screaming and it started going. Right. And I was like, Oh no, it's good.

It's broke. Oh no, it's broken. You trapped Finn in there, did you? Turns out somebody just put, put this wire in that hole and it made this noise did it make any noise

it's not making any noise that time I don't think you successfully darkenised the problem based on that what I was going to say was we made promises

about the studio that weren't kept which is awkward because we run and own the studio exactly that's true yeah never mind but Peter

so it feels like the first show on the year to us first proper show to us on the 7th absolutely and we're still in that territory that's the 10th today

we're still in that it's the 10th someone's recording it we're still in this territory where you are still saying happy new year to people exactly yeah when do you sort of

give that up usually is it the second week third week fourth week you know me if I see someone walking through the corridor of the office

I'll say hello you will not so I will probably still I'll do like a little barrel roll into into a cupboard put out some nunchucks to them don't fucking come any nearer i would probably do happy new year what so i've got a complicated rule about this so bear with me if i'm seeing you for the first time in the new year yeah i'll say happy you get happy new year up to probably the end of jan really let me finish you will now not because i've now seen you in 2022 yeah you'll now not get another happy new year message from me right we're done but luke how can you remember who you've said happy new year to and who you haven't i take an interest in other

people you take an interest in more admin just piling more admin on a big pile i take an interest but i say i'll take an interest in other people i take an interest in more admin. Just piling more admin on a big pile. I take an interest. When I say I take an interest in other people, I take an interest in my impression on other people to hopefully give me an inflated sense of myself. Okay. I made a difference today, you're telling yourself. But in the middle of... This is something we should...

I mean, we don't tend to talk about this kind of thing on our shows because it's boring. Right. But I think in this show we should. During the Christmas and New Year period when the shows were pre-recorded, I had COVID. Yes. Quite badly. but I think in this show we should during the Christmas and New Year period when the shows were pre-recorded

I had Covid yes quite badly yeah you sweated yourself inside out inside and out yeah and didn't you get Covid

the day you got a booster yeah oh causation maybe people should be getting their boosters it gives you Covid lads and that's why we're now wearing tin foil headphones

that's not official medical advice from Peter who cares anymore you can say what you want follow that alongside when you're told all this to stop drinking water yep

COVID grows where does COVID grow cells and what's cells full of water dry out desiccate

your fucking cells and you're fine I would say and this time next year you'll be in the cells. So I had COVID quite badly. It was really bad. I was in bed for three and a bit days.

Just absolutely rinsed. Wiped out, baby. So you are probably... The thing that I'm noticing with this kind of bout, and literally everyone's got it at the moment, everyone's dropping left, right and centre, and there's anybody in the whole of the UK and abroad that doesn't know somebody who's got it

who has had it quite recently with this Omicron variant which presumably this is the one you had presumably no they don't tell you do they

no they don't tell you don't tell you but you a lot of people I know have managed there's like weird kind of people who've got it

they know who they caught it off but their partner didn't get it the extended family like a lot of the extended family got it off, but their partner didn't get it. The extended family, like a lot of the extended family got it and then the original person didn't get it.

It's very, very weird how it's also, but so your partner managed to not get it. We'll hear more from Professor Chris Whitty after the break. The Wi-Fi I have access to

did also get it. Oh, did she get it? A bit later. Wow, is she all right? Yeah, she's fine. We're both fine. We're both fine now. I just wanted to put it in a little public service announcement, really, that, you know.

Rubbish, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, people get blasé about it. We've heard about it for a long time. I'm not, obviously, I'm a bit overweight, but I'm not unhealthy. You're always running around. Evidence I'll provide for that is I caught COVID or I started to get the symptoms and got confirmed I had it on the Tuesday.

On the Sunday, so two days before, I ran six miles. Fine. Not fast, not really fast runner, but I did it. Right?

On Tuesday, I genuinely in the evening couldn't hardly get up the stairs. It wipes me out completely. So don't be blasé about it. Do be careful. The reason I wanted to bring it up is not just to kind of talk about

that kind of boring subject, but just to say that you might hear that I've got a little bit of a residual kind of hangoveré about it. Do be careful. The reason I wanted to bring it up is not just to kind of talk about that kind of boring subject, but just to say that you might hear that I've got a little bit of a residual kind of hangover cough from it. That's why. I'm absolutely fine. I've not had it for weeks. For some reason,

I thought we'd recorded some shows after you'd had COVID. Never mind. It is confusing. And some coughs can hang around for like 12 weeks or so, apparently. But it didn't ruin your Christmas, though. No, because we both, luckily,

the government changed that thing, didn't they? If you test a negative, it's seven, not ten. I came out on Christmas Eve. It meant the wife I have access to came out on Christmas Eve as well because of the seven-day change and we were able to go on Christmas Day. So it was actually okay.

Right, okay. Some people were kind of starting their kind of Christmas Eve with it or New Year's Eve and stuff. A terrible, terrible situation. Terrible time. Terrible time. I've got pinged the year before as well.

Right, okay. Five days out from Christmas. That's when that was kind of quite serious, wasn't it? When it was kind of like you had to stick to the rules. But then Johnson cancelled Christmas anyway. He did, yeah.

So there's nothing that could change. I want to ask you a question about Christmas, Dan. Yes. At the time of the year now, I believe 12th night was last week. Have you taken your Christmas decorations down yet? Took them down quite early decorations down yet took them down

quite early this year took them down about 4 10pm Christmas day 4 or 5 days ago yeah took them quite because we took me and the lads

of the area in our little neighbourhood we took down the lads now you're calling them the lads now it's like you know

it's like a fucking stand by me isn't it you're like king of the hill you go on adventures together down the railway track well when we took the Christmas lights down because they're all over everyone's houses basically could stand by me, innit? You're like King of the Hill. You go on adventures together down the railway track. Well, when we took the Christmas lights down, because they're all

over everyone's houses, basically, and we sort of stood around drinking a beer in the middle of it, like, extending the job by a good hour,

needlessly. And we were stood next to a fence and it's, I felt like it was that scene in King of the Hill where they just all just stood around having a beer

and just kind of like talking shit. What happened to King of the Hill? I don't know, it was Mike Judge wasn't it the Beavis and Butthead guy Beavis and Butthead are back

they are they're back and they're all old and fat I feel like king of the hill should be perhaps more a part of the

culture than it is it's quite spotty wasn't it you'd like Hank Hill because he hasn't got a bum

he's like me he's just a man with no bum because your back if you look at you in profile your back goes down from your neck yeah. Because your back, if you look at you in profile, your back goes down from your neck, obviously. And all of a sudden, if you look at you from the side on,

it's just leg. All of a sudden, leg, yeah. I'm like Gumby. What do the lads think about that? I've not really spoke about my bum to the neighbours, to be honest. It's one of the last things I'm going to get to, to be honest.

But the way you talk about them in such glowing tones, I don't think I'm alone. I think our listeners will agree. In our mind, we're thinking you've got knapsacks on your back, you're going down the railway track, you're camping out around a fire eating strawberry pears, and you're going naked swimming in the lake. Watch out for the leeches.

Exactly. But they're going to see your lack of bot-bot and go, can he still be in our gang? Can he still be in the bot bot gang which I believe you've called it less service area for the leeches to grab hold of that's what I'll say

so there you go has it always been the case that you've got a little little boy's bum yeah ever since I was a little boy never grew up I'm the boy

I'm like Peter Pan but only in the buttock area I never grew up no there's a lot of other areas you haven't grown up the reason I ask about the Christmas decorations is because I am going to put a dilemma well it's not a there's a lot of areas you haven't grown up. The reason I ask about the Christmas decorations is because I am going to put a dilemma.

Well, it's not a dilemma, but a kind of problem solved to you. Yeah. And I will then tell you how I dealt with it and then why I got in a lot of trouble with the Wi-Fi I have access to. I live on the first floor. So for those American listeners,

that is the second floor. You have to go up one flight of stairs to get to my flat. Yeah. Or you go in on the ground floor, it's one flight of stairs up to the flat. Christmas you go in on the ground floor it's one flight of stairs up to the flat Christmas trees

up in the living room Christmas tree oh Christmas tree it's the first real one we've ever had right which is great there are reasons

why it aren't great why it aren't great why it isn't great why it aren't great pine needles everywhere all that crap cats were farming it but it's a great thing

it actually really did elevate the Christmas experience because it smells nice it looks better all that good stuff right obviously over time it's a great thing. It actually really did elevate the Christmas experience because it smells nice, it looks better, all that good stuff. Obviously, over time, it's dead because you've cut it down so the needles keep falling off. Everyone knows this. You've got to get rid of the Christmas tree. You have to put it out on a certain day so that the council

will come and take it away. For us, it was Wednesday of last week. I said to the Wi-Fi I have access to, I don't want to be dragging this all the way through the flat No It's going to be a pine needle graveyard It's going to be four or five hours of hoovering

What are the techniques of keeping your pine needles on the thing It's like hairspray I'll put it on in a big bin bag I'll just chop off the needles Or how do you Chop off the branches maybe And just stick them in a bag Well Mimi's from New England

Right And she's like Jimmy how do you get rid of it Just burn it Oh no no no So you When you're buying a Christmas tree Yeah you want to make sure a real one, it's not already packaged up.

So you want to put them in nets. Yes. Don't buy one that's already in nets. Right. Get them to do it when you've bought it. Okay. Because it needs to be out and about as much as possible. Right.

Okay. Yeah. Nice. Bang the stump on the ground before you buy it. Before you buy it. See what comes off it. Yeah. And then just make sure you water it regularly

and it'll be fine but when you take it out I was saying to Mimi let's just put it in a big bed sheet carry it downstairs like a dead person yeah

yeah exactly right exactly but instead of blood pine needles don't get any pine needles everywhere sap she didn't want us to do that

she didn't want us to do that right why because I think she thought it was just a waste of time. Just do the hoovering. You've got cats for crying out loud.

I'll cut this long story short. I won't give you a problem so I'll just tell you what happened because it's boring. When she went into the kitchen I just

threw it out the window. Right. Is that loud? It felt really naughty. I mean that is naughty. You shouldn't be throwing things out

of your window. Especially not an actual tree. Yeah. You shouldn't be throwing things out of your window, especially not an actual tree. Yeah, that child will be fine. He will recover. You there, boy. What day is this? Yeah. No, there was no one around.

Right. And I haven't got any pine needles in my house now. Yeah, because they're all out. They're all scattered all over. Play window. Out. Chuck it out. Yeah.

Went down there. Moved it onto the right spot so the council could take it away. Yeah. No problem. So how does it work? Because see um trees up until about april it feels like just kind of discarded in the street yeah there's actual kind of like they come and collect it for you lambeth are pretty good right if you if you do it on the right day they'll come and get it right i think you're on it's a one-shot deal though i think so if you miss it it's just gonna stay there just things discarded the best way of dealing with that in my area is,

rather than let the Christmas tree stay there for three months, just get a white piece of A4 paper and write free! Exclamation mark, stick it on it, and someone will fucking take it. Oh yeah, people will take it. I chopped up a sofa, like a crazy person, with a big saw. I think I didn't go great. That was fun, wasn't it? No, it had to be more forensic, because I've only got a still saw rather than a big saw. I think I need to upgrade to... That was fine, wasn't it? No, it was more...

It had to be more forensic because I've only got like a still saw rather than a big chainsaw. If I had a chainsaw, it would have taken me about 10 seconds. But this is like, I was meticulously kind of undoing, slashing open the pillows.

I don't think you should have a chainsaw. Slashing open the pillows and then just finding the wooden kind of supports and there was about 17 supports. Did you feel good? When I jammed it into the back of the Fiat yes I did

I was like I have folded a sofa in two and jammed it into the back of the Fiat to take down the thing absolute Mr Bean vibes such Mr Bean vibes I think we spoke about this

before Christmas that I had a sofa I had to take down the tip so I folded it up and put it in the back of the car and I was quite pleased with it but it was

it yeah it wasn't it was satisfying but, yeah, it wasn't, it was satisfying but I did think I'm going to get a reputation for a person who just hacks stuff up and puts it in.

I felt like that and I felt like my neighbourhood's quite close-knit. So for example, New Year's Eve was very warm, wasn't it? It was very mild, if you remember.

Yes, it was. And we were out in our back gardens just chatting. So we had Derek on one side, Anthony and Yann and we were just having a drink and it was a great time. And we had such a nice time

that we only really realised it was midnight when the fireworks started going off. So the neighbourhood's very close-knit. I did feel like if I get the timing of this Christmas tree out the window thing right, it's going to be a great hack. A great life hack. And it made me feel so happy to do it.

Yeah. And I think I did pull it off. I don't think anyone knows and no one saw it. Right. And I said to me... What if you got caught on like a bell, like a doorbell

one of those ring doorbells oh yeah that'd be quite cool because I would be in the actual shot just for the Christmas tree like you committed suicide it would be my house I haven't got a ring doorbell

so it'd be fine what has it seen that it wants to jump out the window yeah what have you been up to on the Christmas tree unbelievable but Mimi was like

look you shouldn't really have done that but look fine it's happened now I said to her, look. Go on then, drag it back up then. Drag it back up the stairs. Go on. I said it made me feel really happy.

I did it in a safe way. So it's okay. A safe way. And she was fine with it in the end. She actually ended up hoovering the pine that was from under where the Christmas tree was and everything was fine. But when you're sawing your sofa,

do you know what? When you see a video online of a really muscly man with his top off, chopping wood, and you think good good it's nothing glad he's doing that there's nothing because the world currently is now mad and yeah i look at that man doing that he'll be all right and you think he'll be all right it's nothing to do with covid yeah it's no there's no politics going on he's just fucking

doing something people have done for thousands of years having a nice time doing it yeah and it kind of makes you feel a little bit centred yeah the Christmas tree was that for me and I reckon the sofa was that for you for a bit until you got bored yeah well

it's at the tip now and I quite enjoyed flinging it in the tip by myself oh it's great doing that it's just very solid I mean and I do think

you sort of spoke less than eloquently in my opinion about what I'd be doing if I didn't do this yeah I'd very much like to work down I'd very much like to work down the tip.

Load of freak stuff. Just, I love a car boot and it's basically just people bringing all their car boot stuff to me. And rubble and drywall and stuff like that. Do you try and build up a rapport

with the guys working the tip who are proper types, aren't they? Yeah, but it's kind of like it's half and half for you. There's the Eastern European lads and then there's the old British blocs. And they seem to have two different factions. That's a shame.

Well, I mean, they're together, but they do seem to talk like a lot of... They speak presumably Polish or something. And then they've got the lads who speak English to each other. So I'm all for it. I like it. But the Polish guys are generally the digger guys that flatten down all of the stuff down the tip and then the blocks.

I mean, to be honest, the British blocks, they're just drinking tea all the time, which maybe tells you a lot more about... But what a work ethic. Can you remember off the top of your head? Because I'll be interested to know this because my local tip's not far from where I live

and they've got, obviously, the different bins for the different stuff. What does sofa go? Just household? Yeah, no, it goes in household because it's mixed, isn't it? You can't really sort of separate. What are they doing sofa go? Just household? Yeah, no, it goes in household because it's mixed, isn't it? You can't really sort of

separate it. What are they doing with that? I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, it's good wood in there if I hadn't left it outside

for about three months. Soaking wet, it probably would have been quite useful. They have to call it a recycling setting now, don't they, as well?

Yeah, but I mean, they separate out all the stuff, your paint cans, your televisions, your bits of electronics and stuff. Yeah. How have we done four years of this show

and not talked about a dump before? Love the dump. That's mad. They've also got this plastic sort of resin al-sation that they put on the dump. What, the ones you coin the head of to get money for the blind dogs? Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be one of those.

Doesn't seem to be one of those. Someone just filled the gap in, mate. It just seems to be this plastic Alsatian they've got. And they've also got, like, over Christmas, they had, like, Christmas decorations that had clearly rescued from the tip. And there was some lovely stuff there. They did a lovely little display.

Could you build a whole, in a kind of post-apocalyptic environment, do you reckon that's the best place to be? Because you could build a whole community with all the stuff you've got there. Well, it's usually kind of fenced off. You've got places to hide. There's a lot it's usually kind of fenced off you've got places to hide

there's a lot of like the paint stuff that you've got like a little thing to hide that zombies can't get into I think it's a

perfect little you'd have 15 washing machines I've seen so many Instagram videos of video games that you can

play on your smartphone where it starts in something that looks like the dump and then you do your candy crush thing and then you get an play on your smartphone where it starts in something that looks like the dump. And then you do your candy crush thing and then you get an upgrade on your little

dump and then it's a big temple or a fort or something. Cut out the middle man. Don't do the candy crush. Move to the dump. The only beef I would have with my local recycling centre is that I used to take quite a lot of garden waste down there.

Yeah. Because our garden has since been done. You don't compost? No, I do, but back in the day, before the garden was properly done, and now we've got it on top of it again, it was a disaster. Right.

So it'd basically be every six months you're taking 15 bin bags full of garden waste down there. Tree. Yeah. You've thrown it out the window. But the problem is they won't accept the fucking bin bags. So you put everything in the bin bag.

Oh right, yeah. You have to tie it up because otherwise it gets shittled over the car. Yeah. You get to the dump. And then you empty it out again. And the guy comes over

like clockwork. He's in charge of the garden waste bin. Yeah. And he'll go, we don't take the bin bags. But just bring a little knife with you and slice the bottom.

Well, I do do that. It's still annoying. I mean, yeah, but I mean, okay, fair. I don't feel like... How do they expect you to deliver it, mate? Well, that's why I'm going to say that. I'm going to tell you that. On the end of a shovel. I don't think I don't have any beef with the guys there.

It's a proper, honest day's work. Great. Good on them. I can understand why you say you'd quite like to do it. I get it. It's a proper, honest day's work. No beef at all from me. We need it as well. Vital. Much more vital than what we're doing here. But I don't think they should be imposing rules. It's overreach for me, telling me the way I can get rid of the waste.

I'll go up to and including the different bins. I'm happy to help you out, make your job easier. You don't want to be rifling through a massive fucking dumpster full of stuff. Let's section it out. That makes sense to me. When I turn up though,

I don't want you to be telling me how I can do it right I feel I should be able to do it myself over that Pete

because if you work there I'll leave it at the fucking entrance and you can be in charge of your own kingdom I will not set a single foot in your fiefdom if you don't want me to

but I don't want to be doing the I don't want bureaucracy when I get there right okay is that fair I think it's a bit lazy but I mean because you could just take the pink bags or whatever bags you've used and just put them in the plastic But I don't want bureaucracy when I get there. Right, okay. Is that fair? I think it's a bit lazy.

Because you could just take the pink bags or whatever bags you've used and just put them in the plastic. They don't take them in the plastic. What? I don't think bin liners are recyclable, mate. They must be a bin bag. What? Yeah.

Oh, I guess it's not recyclable, is it? So where do they go then? Picture me now, driving back to my house with bin liners in the boot. Is this a Sophie's Choice? I'm not really sure what a Sophie's Choice is. Picture me driving house with bin liners in the boot. Is this a Sophie's Choice? I'm not really sure what a Sophie's Choice is. Picture me driving around with bin liners in my boot.

Not like that. Chopped up Christmas tree in there. Honest, Governor. Anyway. But I'd say that talking about being an outdoorsman and chopping your own wood and stuff, I had a lovely New Year. One of the best New Years I've had in ages.

Just got pissed around our house. Didn't have any the way you said that was like an empty house went to an empty house and got pissed went to the dump didn't have any plans

and just like you know had a couple of mates who were come round a consulting surgeon my mate's girlfriend

is a consulting surgeon I can't imagine I cannot imagine for like like cancer like urinary like cancer or cancer her girlfriend is a consulting surgeon. I can't imagine. I cannot imagine for like, like cancer, like a urinary, like cancer or cancer. She cuts that shit out.

Or, you know, sometimes she'll go to work and a schizophrenic's chopped his knob off. And so she's got to reattach that. Yeah. And what a, what a fucking varied day is at work for her. But how do you think me as a co-host handles what you've just said? So I'm sitting here thinking, he's telling the story i get it i'm listening i'm doing the radio thing i'm listening i'm active listening

yeah i'm looking at um time yeah i'm looking at what we've got to do what you do with your life i'm looking i'm looking at the time the run time i'm the recycling center that is this show we might do next i might be like look what's the email situation? And all I hear is someone turns up who's cut their own knob off. Yeah. Well, look, people do it

and people have to fix it. People have to pick up the pieces. People have to decide recycling, recycling, or can we pop it back on? Oi, we don't take the bin liner. But it is.

We're not taking the condom, mate. But it is. That would be a good place. Look, if you're going to carry a penis that was just chopped off, put it in a condom, put it in some be a good place. Look, if you're going to carry a penis that was just chopped off, put it in a condom, put it in some frozen peas,

perfect. Anyway. It's the listeners I fear for. I worry for them. I'm used to this. But so imagine like her life and imagine how

her life is like her partner is like an investment banker and stuff. That'd do well then. Well, and I have very stuff. That did well then. Same street as you. Well, I know him.

I know him. But I have very little to say to him with his life. I have no idea what he gets up to all day and I have no idea why he gets paid so much doing it. Hard to have a conversation about that, isn't it, really? Exactly. So the same with the consulting surgeon, though. I'll be there all day. Imagine me.

You'd never get me out of the house yeah but I have respect for people to not bore their face off I have loads of questions I'm like what's the

I got two in what's the longest surgery you've ever done and have you ever written your name on something in there like the bad surgeons

no I didn't ask any questions no you did the two questions to ease your way in and then you the knob stuff then you did the knob stuff. The real ones. The knob stuff. Can you have a look at this, please?

It's just arrived the last few years. I don't want to, I can get away with hiding it from my partner in certain lights, but I don't know what's going on. Yeah. But yeah, and it's kind of... It's a knot in your vest.

But like, I just think that kind of career is so lonely in that like, nobody knows what the fuck that's all about. It's such a specific job and with specific pressures and specific situations and so much stretch and so little money comparatively with, you know, someone doing it in America. Is it little money? Is it little money?

It's not. The amount of money that they could be making, like the lad in question used to be a school teacher and he said she makes about as much as I do. No, an average, apparently an average basic salary from a consultant surgeon in 2021 is between £84,000 and £114,000 a year.

Right, okay. All right, well. That's all right, mate. Is that good? That's good money. That's good. I mean, yeah, but you don't qualify until you're 32 because you're just training forever.

I should caveat it by saying, fucking hard work, long time coming because you've been training for so long, and obviously very, very important. I'm not casting aspersions on whether it's worth the money or not. I'm just saying... It's more than us. But the pressure. The pressure. That's what I mean on whether it's worth the money or not. I'm just saying. It's more than us. But the pressure.

With good cause. The pressure. That's what I mean. So it's such unique pressure, such unique things they have to do every single day and shit they've got to deal with and admin and process and training. You never stop training. Yeah.

Like, I feel like most people sort of barrel in and go, what's the biggest stitch you've ever done or something, right? I won't barrel in because I'm just kind of like Jesus, that's such a, you do something so unique and you must get the same fucking questions every time, you know what I mean? When you're operating, does the man's nose light up like in operation?

Stuff like that. You must get the same fucking questions. Do you use tweezers? Have you ever extracted a funny bone? Have you plucked a bone out of a tweezer? And they're here in my house and I'm giving them Monster Munch and Prosecco.

I think what's happened is you've walked in. Monster Munch, good. That's a great choice. You walk in there. What's the most important surgery you could do after this glass of Prosecco? And then just carve your own belly open. Fix that. Li open. Fix that. Liar.

Fix that. Seriously, I just feel like I shouldn't be... I'm not having the fucking vaccine. Right, we've got a little break. Party's over.

Fuck it, we've got a little break. Everyone go home. Right, yeah, we'll go for a break. Peach bleeding out. We'll be back for a break. Peach bleeding out. We'll be back in a second. 2021 was a year like no other in European football.

And 2022 promises to be even more eventful. On the continent is your weekly guide to all the biggest stories across Europe. What was highlighted again in this game against Malmo was just how desperately that team needs something different up front. Alvaro Morata is not right now

the number nine they need and I don't think so either. We're joined by the best European football experts to get to the bottom of the stories at the top of your news feed. I think Real Madrid is a very logical place for him to go. And if you want that to be an option, it's not a bad idea to make Real Madrid think that you might go to Barcelona.

But from Holland's side of it, it's very beneficial that Barcelona are at least pretending they can afford him. Come join us every Thursday on Football Ramble Presents. Football Ramble Presents is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creative Network. We're back with Luca Pichot. Sorry about that. I'm not sorry.

Yeah, I just think that people have... Because we kind of rock it with Pilot Neil and all the pilots and stuff. And I feel bad that they have, because we kind of rock it with Pilot Neil and all the pilots and stuff. And I feel bad that they have to listen to this fucking shit. Because they've got very- But they choose to listen. I know, but okay, fair. They're listening to this going,

these guys are having a nice time and getting paid for it. Well, one of us is. But we did like- Mindscaring the community. I've still got this fucking cough. Excuse me. We did 15 odd years but we did like I've still got this fucking cough excuse me we did 15 odd years

of podcasting when no one gave well no 10 years when no one gave a shit yeah or money exactly

do you know what I mean I ran fucking three jobs at once getting this fucking pile of shit off the ground so you can fucking listen to it

and you can enjoy it but look it's different strokes for different folks I know someone who a good friend of mine back home

I haven't seen him for a while but we've been friends for years he's an air traffic controller what type of character is he he's very steady very kind of he's always the same person

whenever you meet him very focused he's never up and down he's not manic hopefully you won't be offended by me he's not like a creative person he's very solid at sports, very focused, very clever.

Air traffic control, perfect for him. Inshallah, people find the jobs that suit them. So that consultant surgeon is probably not used to meeting people like you. Exactly. I feel like I'm letting her down. Why? She's bi-existent. But then I know her partner, who is a he will admit himself a prize bellend so like

i can't see them together so i can't see me talking i just and then again like i it's that anxiety of sort of going i'm not bringing anything to this conversation i'll i'll stand in any fucking room full of whatever the you know i can stand in a room full of clever people you know what i mean like if you if you're a person and not feel particularly bad about myself, because, you know, it's all about what you choose to do in your life. I think people, listen, I would like to fucking take a piss out of you forever, as you well know. But I think you are a fucking great contributor to a conversation

once you get warmed up. Once I get warmed up. You're a bit like an old car. You need to go get the starter handle out and get you going and it can take a while. Once you get going,

you're good. And I think people are interested in people who are broadcasting because they think it's an interesting job. We know it isn't, but they think it is.

They probably say to you, do you know what, Pete? If you ask their property, the consultant said, she probably said, do you know what? I spend a lot of my fucking time resetting bones or something.

Or you said in this case, she's a urologist kind of thing. It's probably common and garden to her. That's why when it goes to the doctor and you've got something wrong with you, you shouldn't feel embarrassed because it's important, but also because they've seen a hundred things worse on you every day. I would like to challenge that.

It does backfire when you do happen to be the worst on that day, but the point is you'll never know anyway. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean... So what was the point of this? You went to a New York party.

Oh, yeah, sorry. You had a nice time. Outdozy people. That's taken 11 minutes. We went down to the beach near our house. It's only a little beach, but this bloke had made this wonderful fire. A bloke from Basildon.

He does it every year, apparently. The police come and tell him off every single year. And I thought how dozzy person he spent hours building this beautiful fire and stuff. He hadn't. He just brought a load of driftwood down in petrol. I just stank of petrol

going, not the first New Year. This was your nicest New Year's Eve. It was really fun. Did you take the dogs that you've got access to down? Not for the jump in the fire, wouldn't they? Would they? I don't know. I don't know.

Dogs are quite flammable and skittish. One of them's a consultant surgeon. Right, we've got time for one email. All right, cool. And I apologise for that, but I've got Pete talking about surgeons. One of the dogs' vet is a hipster vet, and I don't think he's qualified.

What, like the vet in Better Call Saul? He looks like he's in Pavement. It's hilarious. So there's a vet is a hipster vet and I don't think he's qualified what like the vet in Better Call Saul he looks like he's in Pavement it's hilarious proper hipster there's a vet in the TV series Better Call Saul who they go to

because they can't go to the doctor because it'll raise suspicion and the vet will do the operations on them right he's kind of a he's a cool vet

in a cool way he's not a hipster vet right okay this guy's like big afro, white guy, kind of like dungarees. That would be absolutely mad. But he looked like...

If I walked in to the vet with one of my pets, my dearly loved pets, sort of a white man with an Afro and dungarees, I would say, can you go get the vet, please? You are not a vet and I will not be trusting anything into your care.

He injected him with something. Yeah. He injected the dog with something. Give it a go. Give it a go. Yeah. He said, I'm a bit worried about the lump.

I said, I'm a bit worried about you, mate. Yeah, make sure that's worried. Mr. Tumnus. So what does he actually, he wasn't wearing dungarees, what was he actually wearing?

He was wearing like, he was wearing like your clothes, but he had a big kind of white man afro, and I was just like, well, that's hipster-y, like a woodcutter's jacket from the 90s.

It's a shacket. It's a shacket. Exactly. He just looked a bit too, like he was into stuff. I don't want my vets into stuff. You want focus. I want focus.

Yeah. I want a man who's dedicated his life to giving worming treatments to cats. I told you the biggest conundrum when you have a conversation with a vet. I said this a few weeks ago. I'll just re-up it very quickly. They have to do something

that doctors don't have to do. They have to navigate with you the fact that it might be about to fucking bankrupt you, which you can occasionally mistake for the animal being terminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, really bad news.

Sorry, I don't know if you want to take a seat. Yeah. So, unfortunately, it's going to cost you 250 quid. Do you know what I mean? It's like, that's fucking fine. Yeah. Because that's kind of the narrative about vets now, isn't it? It didn't used to be.

Now it's like, it's fucking expensive. Oh, you walk into our vet and it's 70 quid straight away. Before you get started. Anyway, email. Got an email here from a vet. No, I haven't really. Imagine if we had an email from someone called Yvette then. That would have been really handy.

Would you say it's Yvette? Yeah, I could do. I don't care. It's our email now. If you send an email, we can do what we want with it. A quick email from Jack. All right then. Hello to you, Jack.

We are going to squeeze you in, Jack alright then hello to you Jack we are going to squeeze you in Jack at the very last minute because we have to go he says hello guys in relation to your conversation where

Pete said he saw a car on his road that has an old 80s style wheel lock yes why did they do that and Luke said he

has an immobiliser yeah I thought make me sound the most boring man ever I thought I'd let you know that I

would 100% recommend getting an old fashioned wheel lock if you have a keyless car Jack doesn't as everybody

emails Jack doesn't give us any indications as to his qualifications in this area but he's obviously got a very strong

opinion let me get to it because with keyless cars you can program stuff and get just hack your way in effectively

without even touching the fucking thing kind of he says what happens if you have a keyless car

your key can be remotely cloned. I don't know how you would do that. Do you know how you would do that? I don't know. Like, stand really close to a man with his keys out and go... with a scanner.

I don't know. That'll work. He said, it can be remotely cloned from outside of your house. Oh, yeah. So you just sort of stand outside and, yeah. And they can enter your car, start the engine, because the car will think it's detected the key, and drive off as a device they use basically as a copy of your key. However, if you have a good old-fashioned wheel lock that won't be able to remove this easily, outside and yeah and they can enter your car start the engine because the car will think it's detected the key and

drive off as a device they use basically as a copy of your key however if you have a good old-fashioned wheel lock they won't be able to remove this easily or

quietly so we'll likely just move on to an easier target I would also recommend keeping your keys in a Faraday bag oh so it can't be RFID

sort of a lot of signals from the cloning device I'm fairly certain I saw one of those devices what's a Faraday

bag it's like a it's not lead lined but it'll be like a mesh of some kind of metal named after Michael Faraday what's a Faraday bag it's like a it's not lead lined but it'll be like a mesh of some kind of metal named after Michael Faraday yeah like a Faraday cage so you can dance around

in a Faraday cage can't you and there'll be loads of voltage going around it but you're people have made like suits of like

the same sort of principle and they're sort of basically being electrified but because it's grounded I suppose you're not experiencing any electrical maybe that's how

that vet got through stood in a Faraday cage for too long but he but yeah it's basically a thing that will stop your stop any frequencies

coming in or out but is it because I think I saw one of those and they built it in the box of like an old Game Boy so if you see someone using a Game Boy

that's weird it was like a red Game Boy with So if you see someone using a Game Boy. That's weird. It was like a red Game Boy with the branding Supreme on the back. And that evaded detection a few times for the police looking at it. I would just like to,

first of all, I'd like to thank Jack for his email. Thank you, Jack. Thanks, Jack. But I would also just like to add that the car industry, and I checked this

when I knew this email was coming up, is worth 78 billion pounds in this country. Why have they not fucking checked that? Why have they not said at some point, well, people can probably fucking clone this quite easily?

If people are saying that easy to do, how has that got through the net in the car industry? Well, could you not clone a key as well? Could you not kind of get a key cut the same way? Well, this is the thing, right? So you can't really use a normal key for my car, for example. You can, but it sets the fucking alarm off. Oh, does it?

You can't turn it off? So the Wi-Fi access to a common bugbear of hers, and I understand it, is that new cars are just too complicated. Far too complicated. But you think the way they were doing certain things they were doing, like, for example, the keyless car thing,

that would make it safer, not less safe. Yeah, but I mean, I guess I think it's the same as... But I mean, I guess the alarm thing is a choice that that particular car has done. And it kind of makes sense, I suppose. But what if your key runs out of battery and stuff? There's lots of different considerations. And clearly, the march towards this keyless fucking everything internet of shit kind of thing it has to be

a technological solution to something that we we solved about 100 years ago there is a march to that isn't there there's always a technological to advanced solution uh when we've not really sort of like worked on the hackers will always get through hackers will always figure it out almost like the peter principle but of tech. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. And like Carl Pilken just said a while back, you're just people who just invented things for the sake of it now. Yeah, and I'm fairly certain that there surely must be some level of encryption

that you can employ as a car key manufacturer that allows you to sort of somehow have like a key in a lock situation that doesn't just open it if you just copy the key. There has to be some kind of... That's the worst chat I've ever heard. Is that picture of that woman in the nightclub from that lad going,

and the key in the lock? There must be some kind of encryption that they have. A key in the lock situation. Anyway, that's all we've got time for today. Thank you very much for listening all the way through to the end. We will be back on Thursday.

We might do a bit more tech chat on Thursday because a lot of people are emailing us about NFTs and we've got to do battery brands anyway so that's kind of tech, isn't it? Batteries. Ask Elon Musk. I don't know.

Leave me out of it. Hello at LukeandPeter.com is the email address to get in touch. We would love to hear from you. We've got loads of emails from over the Christmas break to work through but we will get through them

as quickly as we can. All that's left for me to say is goodbye and Peter, I'd like you to say goodbye as well. Farewell. that's left for me to say is goodbye and peter i'd like you to say goodbye as well farewell the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network