The Luke and Pete Show - I am not a Berliner

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Luke needed a bigger boy to fix his computer and, amazingly, he asked Pete. Donny did spend the weekend taking his scooter apart, to be fair.Today, we hear all about that and we also read an email explaining what happens inside Berlin sex clubs. It is fair to say Luke and Pete aren’t now planning to visit one anytime soon.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Good morning. good afternoon, good evening, whenever you're listening to The Lugapete Show.

This is the 23rd of October, a Monday edition of this particular set-up. Me and Luke Moore are here to talk all things to all men. Have you, Peter, have you watched Encounters yet? I've not had time you're an absolute fucking wanker

I need to fix my scooter I need to replace a lock on a scooter and I didn't mean to watch it but I just haven't had time do you remember the other day we went out to

whatsapp you asking if you come on to facetime and help me fix my computer like you were my grandson you're just too old man I didn't need it in the end just flapping around

but you sent me a photo you couldn't launch photo of your... You couldn't launch Steam on your computer. Steam. It was... I didn't have permissions. You didn't have your permissions, right. I don't know...

And someone on the Ramble Discord helped me. Good on them. Stell on the Ramble Discord. Yeah. I'm very grateful. But why would you... Oh, did you have to run it as administrator? Yeah, I didn't even know I needed to do permissions.

I thought, it's my computer. Who am I giving permissions to? That's a bit of the computing world. I understand why it exists, but it's always a pain in the bum. Have I started this program as administrator? Can I not just start it and then you ask me at some point, would you like to be the administrator? That's what I was confused about.

No one else is using this fucking computer. No, I am the administrator. I am the Lord God Exalted One. Let me fucking run Steam. I'm the Lord and Saviour as far as this fucking MacBook's concerned. Yeah, they might. First of all, I did a great thing, and you'd be fucking happy about this, Pete.

So I reached out to a guy on Discord, on the Ramble Discord, who said he'd probably better help me. I said to him, look, this is the situation. He replied with a really long and exhaustive list of things to do for a PC I was like oh I'm on a Mac

and he was like oh you should you should have just told me that I was like oh sorry I just thought I know nothing

wasting everyone's time hey but that that information and advice could be good for someone else though so if you're having trouble starting it

on a PC could you ask him how I'm supposed to stream stuff onto my steam date because every time i do that uh it gives me the windows login for some bloody reason no you can ask him yourself mate it's as simple as that it's as simple as that but anyway the point is you referenced it then when you sent me a message back you just sent a photo of your scooter in a what can only be described as a state of absolute disarray so what actually happened just don't take a scooter apart and the thing about

scooters um i think machine i think i honestly think that um cars and stuff they're probably easier to fix than you think but it's just the time spent undoing stuff. Just selecting the right cranky thing on the spanner and then finding space to get that one out and finding an Allen key for this other bit and getting one. One of the screws was threaded

so I had to bloody drill into it and extract it with my screw extractor. You've got a screw extractor? Yeah, they're really good. Like, they work 99 times out of 100. They're great stuff. So, like, and then when I'd finished

and put everything back together, which took me bloody hours, a couple of screws left over. That's not good. That's not ideal. When you started taking it apart, did you have a system where you put everything in a certain order so you knew how to put it back together again?

No, because it was taken apart over a couple of weeks. I just left them out in the rain. Absolute nightmare to live with. Just a nightmare bloke to live with. You took two weeks to take a fucking scooter apart. Where was it? In the garden? I just like to think, look, we're in the middle of middle-class suburbia. I'm just bringing that kind of like mikey um that that is mikey carroll the uh

lottery winner i'm just bringing yeah it's a big it's a big mike there's a big michael carroll energy about it do you know what i i i realized the other day that i'm speaking to that one of my friends my friend was friends with for years and on one level we're quite similar and obviously you know we're good pals and stuff but it just suddenly dawned on me with the stuff that he comes out with the stuff he does

he's just got a massive amount of ITV1 energy what do you mean as in like just watches a lot of ITV I just have the

sensibilities of a big ITV watcher I know that sounds really snobby but everything he does just really affects me with this ITV1 energy. What do you mean?

He's just, what, he's just always talking about, like, silly stuff, like. He'll, he'll like,

he'll make dinner, quote unquote, make dinner, but it'll always be like, a chicken tonight dinner. Like a jar, which is probably a sponsor of some ITV show.

Yeah, okay. It's just that kind of energy. And I think you've definitely got a bit of Michael Carroll energy about you, just because you haven't won the lottery, but you behave like you have. No, but the way I cut about, yeah, the projects I dip into are just above my pay grid. I don't have the space for it.

Yeah, and I think it's the idea of upsetting quite a nice neighbourhood who, as you've already admitted drinking tisky yeah who will literally accommodate your dreadful your dreadful needs and you reward them by loudly taking apart a scooter presumably your front garden for like two weeks yeah so yeah down the side down the side of the house yeah do you like to be seen as a man who's tinkering out there uh no no well not on a cold day yeah i'd do anything apart from do that to be seen as a man who's tinkering out there. No, no. Well, not on a cold day. Yeah, I'd do anything apart from do that, to be honest. But there's just always something that needs to be tinkered with.

But do you like the idea of... Because what I found quite interesting since I've become a dad is I go out for a walk with my son. Yeah. And you get treated very differently. Right. Oh, yeah, you look like a responsible person. Yeah, so people are very friendly to you because they're like, oh, he's not a threat because he's got a baby with him right he's obviously a

nice dad or whatever whereas when you because we had this thing my wife i have access to and i had this um thing i might have mentioned it to you before my wife's really into gardening and around the neighborhood where we live and in the posher bit there's a load of beautiful gardens and she'll wander up and down garden roads in the summer just taking all the gardens look at the beautiful kind of flowers and stuff and she'll take photos and um sometimes she'll be doing it in the summer be going down she's taking it's getting a bit dark and she's taking photos of people's front gardens right yeah it's a hobby she loves doing it like she doesn't um share any identifiable stuff or anything she just likes doing it and i said to her the privilege of that is unbelievable because if i try to do that the police would probably be called right and so yeah the energy is totally

different and um sometimes she'll be walking up and down and she'll and someone will be in their garden and she'll be like i love your garden she'll start asking about the flowers and stuff and people love to hear about it like if it were me, they'd think, what the fuck is this weirdo doing? Vaguely sinister tall man, Ichabod Crang. What's he fucking doing? But you don't think that like, but then again,

put a baby in front of you, put in a pram, you're like, dad of the year. I sit down on the bench in the park because I want to give Riv some milk or whatever. And people just start talking to you. How old is he?

How are you doing? How are you finding it? Do you not think, and you love that because you love talking to people. But if I sit down and give myself a bottle of milk. Yeah. If you start drinking a bottle of milk or just furtively looking to the right and the left

like you've done a little kidnapping. With a nappy on. With a nappy on. Guess who's the dad? Yeah. Guess who's the dad? It's him. He's the dad yeah guess who's the dad it's him he's the dad and i'm the baby so now instead of just being the guy who's like vaguely passive passive aggressive in the street but mostly aggressive um and quite hateful of hatefully dismissive of like local whatsapp groups on the street and stuff. Now I'm not seen as like a young dad,

a dad of a young kid. So like people are, they're kind of cool with me now. They respect you. So what I was trying to get at is that for you, if you sit outside the house tinkering with stuff,

they might not see you as an odd guy. They might think, oh, he's a practical kind of guy. He knows what he's doing. He's making a contribution. If I ever need something fixing, he could probably help. I mean, you can't, but's a practical kind of guy. He knows what he's doing. He's making a contribution. If I ever need something fixing, he could probably help. I mean, you can't, but they might think that you could.

If you want something fixing and then you want too few screws, less weight in your vehicle, some would suggest. Efficient. Efficient. You're showing those manufacturers what's what there. Exactly. You don't even need them. You don't even need them, Wangy. So is the scooter back on the road now?

The scooter's back on the road now. Are you puttering around in it, or are you just still enjoying the pissy Jaguar? Well, I've just kind of put it, I've fixed it just for the winter months to start, and it's actually quite unpleasant scooting around in the winter because you get too cold, like skeleton hands. You need gloves.

Always wear gloves anyway, Pete, because if you come off, you can really fuck yourself. Yeah. You need your hands. There you go. There you go. You need your hands get too cold, like skeleton hands. You need gloves. Always wear gloves anyway, Pete, because if you come off, you can really fuck yourself. Yeah. You need your hands. There you go. There you go. You need your hands. And, Pete, just explain to people very, very briefly

why I called your car a pissy Jaguar. Because I threw, what was it called, AdBlue. I put AdBlue in the windscreen washer fluid vessel and then proceeded to cover it in said liquid, which is something like 60% urea. I think I've later found out that it's actually piss that's made in a lab. I don't think the smell distincts,

you know, there's no distinction between the smell. Does it still count as piss, do you reckon? I think it still counts as piss. I reckon the scientists have just pissed in something and somebody created this in this lab. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you did, kind of. Yeah, true.

Yeah, you created it in your bladder. Anyway, Peter, let's have a quick break. I'll tell you what I'm saying, that is we should have a quick break. We've got some emails. We've got some good emails. Yeah, when we come back, we've got some really good emails.

I think we should do them. I think it'll be fun for people to hear them. Well, it's quite sexy. Yeah, I totally agree. And only because you're reading it, though, big boy. All right. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet.

Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Rogers intranet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you.

Rogers. Oh, we're back with a Luke and Pete shot experience. Luke's just sipping on a bottle of... To Luke as I sport, mate. And I'm very sorry about how loud the teat is, but I've got a bit of a hangover. Absolute classic. A mate was working on a project with the video game Starfield.

Oh, how is that? Is that good? It's good. It's just a lot. It's Fallout in space, but it's just a lot of like, can you go and get me this tree? And then you go off,

and then you bring the tree back, and they go, thanks for that. It's 100 credits. It's just a lot of that, really. And if you like that, it's brilliant. And if you don't like that, you won't like it. So Jordan from VGC recommended me a lot of video games. Nice, okay.

He actually recommended me Cyberpunk 2077 now, so it was actually really good. It's back on top now, yeah. It's regarded as being a proper game now. And he also recommended me The Witcher 3, but I've already finished that. I've already completed that, mate. Yeah, completed it.

And he said Assassin's Creed Odyssey, Demon's Souls, Horizon, and Elden Ring. that mate yeah completed it and he said Assassin's Creed Odyssey yeah Demon's Souls Horizon and Elden Ring I'd love to see you play Demon's Souls that would be fun

which of those games do you reckon I should do um Horizon's a a fun romp a very beautiful romp sort of simple experience

when I'm dead and gone if people say about me he's a beautiful romp I'd be fucking happy with that he's a beautiful romp yeah he's a beautiful romp I might have a look into that Triple A experience. When I'm dead and gone, if people say about me, he's a beautiful romp, I'll be fucking happy with that. He's a beautiful romp, yeah. He's a beautiful romp. I might have a look into that. You carry on what you were saying. Somebody was working on a Starfield slash LucasAid promo.

LucasAid had Starfield on the side of the bottle pre-release. And then basically on this at this event that they were doing advertising both Starfield and Lucas Aid the PR person for Lucas Aid

wanted them to film Vox Pops with the punters who were there ostensibly just to play Starfield and win Starfield

prizes they wanted to ask them like what their favourite Lucas Aid flavour was does anyone have a strong opinion about blues? It's so fucking crap.

Honestly, I love it when people want to sponsor our shows, right? Because it's really kind of them and it's a cool thing and there's a lot of choice out there. And I do respect it and I like it. Obviously, because it pays our mortgages and our staff and all the great colleagues we've got. So I'm not slagging them off. Pay some for my tools.

Pay some for your tools. Pay some attention for my tools if I'm from Halfords. Exactly. But what I hate is when they're just so unimaginative and so like boring

with what they want to do. Chiefly because it's not about my opinion. It's just about the fact that shit's not going to fucking work. No one cares. But there's a way

of playing that though, isn't there? You just go, yeah, yeah, we'll do that. Sounds like a great idea. Then, oh, we lost the footage never mind no but the thing is

they don't ever come to the people who are actually creative and go what do you reckon we should do and the best sponsorship guys some of the people

we're working with at the moment for example they just say here's what we want to promote have a crack at it how would you do it right and that's

the best thing I love collaborating on that stuff what you've just described there is fucking terrible to the point where I'm not even going to finish this bottle of moat, how would you do it? And that's the best thing. I love collaborating on that stuff. What you've just described there is fucking terrible to the point where I'm not even going to finish this bottle of Lucas Aid Sport, even though it's an orange flavour which is my favourite flavour of it. Orange flavour? Is that the colour?

It's just... Yeah, look. You see it? It tastes like orange. So Peter, should we do a couple of emails as we promised? Let's do a couple of emails. Shall I bash out the Matthias one, because it's a good one? Yeah, you do that one, mate. All right. Hello, the looking for Pete.

Long time, first time here. I heard you, Reid, Pete, are interested in what happens inside Berlin sex clubs. Are we? I am, definitely. I think I can probably guess. Fascinating. It's like, what's out? It's Alan Partridge asking what's out back.

Or just an old bed. Spoiler, guys. It's sex. Sex. This draft has been sitting in my inbox for a while now. So I think this was all the way back in July. Either way, I thought I'd share my experience since I recently went to

probably the most famous one, Kit Kat, twice, on a trip to Berlin. You must have liked it. Well, yeah, exactly. Like Marcus going to watch Bon Jovi twice.

Maybe it was a two, maybe it was like two, like, you know, you get the four-fingered Kit Kats, so it's like two servings, really, in many ways. It used to be a five-finger Kit Kat, didn't it?

What? It used to be five-finger. Yeah, it did, yeah. Did it? Yeah, yeah. Did it? Don't fuck with me, mate. It used to be a five finger kick out, didn't it? What? It used to be five finger. Did it? Yeah, it did. Did it? Yeah. Did it? Really? It's shrinkflation, baby. What? I think the first thing to note is that they're not actually sex clubs. They make sure to emphasise that at the entrance. It's a techno

club where people have sex. Presumably to get away from listening to the techno. I just want to experience something else. I hate, this is awful i just want to experience something else i was like i hate this is awful um i need to fuck something or the thing i think about it is like i'm someone who like who i really like get into a rhythm with stuff like right if i if i no i don't mean i don't mean when having sex i just mean generally and if someone's banging out like 150 BPM

you feel like it's yeah you feel like how do you get your rhythm to that yeah I mean I did that first aid course a few weeks ago

and you know everyone says it's staying alive and that's how fast you but we seem to be going faster and I was like is this right it seems like we're going faster than

at staying alive staying alive but yeah God knows I think if you were to go into a techno club where people have sex according to Matthias We're going faster than at staying alive, staying alive. But yeah, God knows. I think if you were to go into a techno club where people have sex, according to Matthias' distinction. Yeah.

Clear their airways. Put them in a recovery position. I just thought you're going to end up having sex at the pace of like a very small rutting dog. Yeah. Where's the love, guys, for crying out loud? Unbelievable. Carry on.

Anyway, it's a techno club where people have sex. The distinction in this case being that not everyone who comes is coming to have sex. You need to be dressed appropriately to get in. In this case, black, latex-y, fetish-y, kinky, and most importantly, absolutely no street clothes. And sneakers will not let you in either. Too much admin already.

I know. Too much going prepared. sneakers will not let you in either. It's too much admin already. I know. Too much going prepared. Like, it's not, it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel like off the cuff, so to speak. How are we getting there?

It's like a, if someone said that to me and I was a single man, how am I getting there? How are we going? Because if we go on public transport, it's going to be like the world's weirdest Halloween night. Yeah. People heading to parties. This can also vary depending on the event being held. What if it's gonna be like the world's weirdest halloween night yeah people heading to parties this can also vary depending on the event being held what if it's a trainer interest

like the adidas adidas versus nike fans just rutting um the actual um inside space is enormous when they open the whole thing um steady last time i was in there uh there were at least six dance floors and other nooks and crannies throughout, as well as lots of areas to sit and talk. Once inside, you find yourself in a bizarre new world in which nudity becomes the norm, and you walk by people actively engaged with each other, and find it only mildly interesting before returning your attention back to the bar, or the conversation you were having, or continuing to dance. The whole atmosphere is incredibly open, and what I personally love about it is the feeling of confidence I get from being there.

People are very friendly, and it's easy to meet and talk. There's no pretense of playing any sort of games when it comes to anything physical. You can just ask, and if someone says no, then move on. There is a huge emphasis on consent, of course. I guess in summary, I'd say it's a crazy environment viewed from the outside, but once you're inside and cut off from the real world, you quickly adjust

to a new normal way faster than you would expect. I hope this is educational. I love the show. Best, Matthias. Matthias, thank you for that really important view, I think. Insight. That I demanded.

My takeaway, though, is just how many no's am I going to get? Yeah, I mean, it's not going to be... Yeah, I was just kind of like, well, it's not for me then. No one's going to... No one looks at me and goes, hmm, let's have sex with that guy.

You were like Grandpa Simpson, that meme. Which one? Walk in, see Bart, take your hat with that guy. You were like Grandpa Simpson in that meme. Which one? Walk in, see Bart, take your hat off, put your hat back on, walk out of here. Walk in,

see everyone looking good and I go, yes, nobody wants me. Interestingly enough, I'm going to assume by Matthias' name, and this is an assumption

so apologies if it's wrong, that Matthias isn't British. So that was a very non-British description of how these kind of things work. I think it would for most british people that's horrific though i think it would be no i don't think it's horrific listen two weeks ago two weeks ago we did 15 minutes on your ability to not small talk there's no way i'm taking on board you've been anywhere near comfortable in this environment no i think i would be comfortable in that environment, but I wouldn't be having sex. Okay, what would

you say? What would you say? You'd be comfortable, sat on your own. Yeah, exactly. With a book. Yeah. Tell me what you would say then. What do you mean? When you went in there, you saw someone you liked the look of, what are you saying to them? Well, I mean, let's make it very clear. I've never talked to anyone I've liked the look of in a bar ever well you have to hear what you have to this is the whole point of this it's not the whole point of this oh you expect people to come up to you do you i've got fucking news for you exactly exactly so that's what i mean i don't have a terrible time like for anyone out like he i don't know what's in there i don't know who's in there i don't know what like But nobody is looking at all.

This is huge with the bouncer. That guy. I mean, a bouncer might go, that guy, get him out of here. He's not talking to anyone. He's just looking. Huge. I'd represent with the bouncer. I don't know what's in there.

I don't know what's happening. Being dressed in Tom of Finland fetish wear um just just just looking couple of pre-drinks imagine you heading home on the bus on your own yeah full black latex oh matthias matthias it's a very helpful insight but i'm sorry for the reaction but it's a very helpful insight i just don't think i can imagine anything more horrific than that yeah i'm just i can't i can't i don't think it's her but it must be like I think it must be like it's too self conscious it's like going into

a like going into like an evening event during the day you know what I mean like sometimes there'll be like an awards day

or something it'll be in a basement and it's all dark and then you're finished and you're a bit pissed and then you get out and it's still quite sunny and you're like

oh god I feel awful. And I think going into a club like that must be like every leaving a place like that must be like, oh, that's that's a really I feel different. I feel like I'm I'm different now. I've come out. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, like the normal places that you, you know, in massive inverted commas, the normal nightclub experience, coming out and going, there are things I've seen today. Also, how are you going to feel personally, Pete? How are you going to feel in that situation once the missiles left the silos, so to speak?

What? I'd just be like, oh dear. Yeah. It's the indignity of, but I guess that kind of clothing, you're never pulling anything up. You just sort of zipping yourself. Do you know what I mean? You're like,

you're not, you're not wearing box. You're not pulling up boxer shorts. Are you going? Yeah. Cheers. But what are you doing? As soon as the,

as soon as the act, if you were, if you have a whiskey, you just have a think about, would you, would you like, yeah just have a think about would you would you like would you what like kind of like uber uber's all you ordered that way yeah would you like stagger over to the bar of your trousers still around your ankles yeah i mean if you've just if you're serving drinks and i guess you have to be used to serving drinks in the smell of sex

i was gonna say do you know what one of the things i listened to john ronson one of john ronson's things about the porn, do you know what? One of the things, I listened to John Ronson, one of John Ronson's things about the porn industry. Right, yeah. And I think one of the people on there said, what people don't realise is about a porn set is it fucking stinks.

Yeah, I bet it does, yeah. Imagine what that fucking place smells like. Well, it sounds like it's pretty big. It sounds like it's got like... Is the ventilation good, do you think?

I mean, you would hope that there would be... I mean, surely you're allowed to smoke a cigar or something. Like when my mum used to change my little sister's nappy when she was a babe, my grandad always used to light a match. Right, okay, that's fair. Yeah, like that kind of thing. Just lighting matches everywhere.

Anyway, look, I'm never going to go to one. No, I'm never going to go to one. No, I'm never going to go to one. So it's good to get a second-hand account. By the time we're absolutely perverted and filthy enough, we'll be too old for anyone to want to touch us. Heart problems as well, probably. Heart problems as well. Who wants to go to Techno?

Let's squeeze one more email in before we go, Peter. I am off to Dortmund in a few weeks. Just saying. Are you? You've got a responsibility. I know, I've got a responsibility to pop in. What are you going to Dortmund off to Dortmund in a few weeks. Just saying. Are you? You've got a responsibility. I know, I've got a responsibility to pop in.

What are you going to Dortmund for? I don't think Dortmund's a big... Are you going to go to the football game? Yeah, it's Dortmund... Oh, you're going to the Newcastle game? Dortmund-Bayern.

Are you not going to go to the Newcastle game? No, it's the weekend of Dortmund-Bayern, so I'm going to be there. Oh, okay. And who are you going with? Just a couple of mates.

Go with Brassel. Brassel'll show me around, won't he? He'll open doors for you, mate. He'll show us around. He speaks German. He'll open doors for you. All right, well, listen, have a good time. Should we do one more email

or should we save it for next time? Well, listen, don't start talking about Andy. Imagine if you went in one of those places and you saw Andy. You reckon? No, but I'm just saying, imagine if you saw him. Imagine if you saw someone you knew.

That would be all right, though, wouldn't it? You're both into the same thing. I had no idea. Why have we never spoken about this before? I think, I don't think there's many friends that I couldn't have a conversation with. Oh, did you enjoy your night in the sex club, Stephen? I don't think there's many people.

Speller. I just think this is disingenuous. Speller, I'd have a few questions, but there's nobody else I would sort of go, what are you doing? Because you're terrible in social situations. Bella, I'd have a few questions, but there's nobody else I would sort of go, what are you doing? Because you're terrible in social situations. You said yourself a couple of weeks ago, all of a sudden you're some kind of fucking Cary Grant

when it comes to Berlin sex clubs. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if I were to see you in a Berlin sex club, it would all make sense. Everything would fall into place. Yeah, just like, oh, I get it. I get it now, yeah.

If I walked in there and you were like fucking, you know, Al Pacino in Scarface. What? My mouth covered in cocaine? Guess. Yes. No, let's not do another email. Let's wait till next time.

There's a few good ones. Say hello to my little friend. I'd be shouting. Great. We'll be back next time. We'll be back on Thursday for more of this. Look and Pete Shaw.

Stop doing that. Stop saying that. Hello, lookandpeteshaw. Look and Pete's Show. The bounce is like, stop doing that. Stop saying that. LookandPeteShow.com is our email address. Send in your batteries and all kinds of stuff. And we'll be back very soon.

We'll be back on Thursday. Sorry about all the sex club content. Sorry about all the sex club. It was Matthias' fault. Yeah, you could email him. Sorry, I had to read it. Good old Matthias. Thanks, Matthias.

See you later. Thanks for all of you listening. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production and part of the Acast Creator Network.