The Luke and Pete Show - Introducing... The Joe Marler Show - About Funeral Directors

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

We’re back to recommend another podcast we think you’ll love!Joe Marler may be an England rugby player, but his podcast is not just another rugby podcast. The Joe Marler Show is all about learning what other people do for a living. As you can imagine, this will be great for Pete as a chef can finally tell him how to fix his culinary crimes. Maybe a tattoo artist can even tell him how to finally cover up some of that embarrassing body ink...But on today’s show, we’re learning all about funeral directors for a conversation about death, doves and Tina Turner!If you enjoy this episode, make sure to search for “The Joe Marler Show” on your podcast app and hit subscribe! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all- Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Hello, it's Luke and Pete here. And today we're back recommending another podcast we think you love. Joe Marla may be an England rugby player, but his podcast is not just another rugby podcast. The Joe Marla Show is all about finding out about other people's jobs. So it's a show about prison guards, vicars, marine biologists,

boxers, chefs, tattoo artists, and much more. Sounds good, doesn't it, Luke? Sounds good. Yeah, it does, Pete. And you should probably listen to not only the chef's episode, given your recent culinary crimes, but your tattoo artist one as well, because you could probably find out some tips about how to get rid of an embarrassing tattoo or two.

But not today, though, because on today's episode of the Joe Marler Show, which we love, we're hearing all about funeral directors, which is a kind of interesting job. You seem to be knocking about, but I've never spoken to one. No.

Have you ever thought about what you'd like at your funeral, by the way? I am probably going to die of bad gut health, so I want everyone drinking kombuchas and Actimels. Yeah, be respectful.

I want them to have, like, the great gut health I didn't enjoy when I was alive. I think if I found myself at some kind of provincial but very nice pub raising a bottle of Actimel to my dearly departed friend

I would that's not something I would have predicted would have happened in my life no no but then you can only meet me once as they say

yeah whether you like it or not do you know what I'd like I'd like it just anyone who's ever felt like I've had a positive influence on their life right okay

to be there yeah book the cupboard be about 40 people there total that's not even the room above a pub. No, yeah,

exactly. Anyway, we are going to, just book it out just in case, you never know, you might get a lot of walk-ins.

Anyway, we're about to hear from an actual funeral director on the Joe Marlowe show, who is going to tell us about how

funerals work and why having this exact conversation is actually really important, joking aside. Yeah, that's right,

so have a listen to this recent episode of the Joe Marla Show entitled About Funeral Directors. And if you like it, make sure you search for the Joe Marla Show on your podcast app to subscribe. Absolutely. Enjoy. Our guest today is Fred, and he's a funeral director. Hello, Fred. Hello, Joe. I realise I said hello Fred

and looked at Tom mainly because did I say funeral wrong? you've got a strange way of saying funeral I can't do it either go on say funeral funeral

you could also say undertaker that's easier but that might make you think of the wrestler but that's also what we're called funeral director

or undertaker okay okay so we'll go with Fred the undertaker slash funeral director but I'm saying if you say funeral I'm saying if you're worried about saying funeral undertaker okay okay so we'll go with Fred the undertaker slash funeral director but I'm saying if you say funeral

I'm saying if you're worried about saying funeral undertaker's fine he didn't mention Paul Bearer in that and Paul Bearer was his dad

in wrestling and he always used to have a pot of ashes with him didn't he yeah he did quite dark actually yeah it was yeah yeah

what um I'm trying to work out in my head Paul Bearer what would that what would that mean if you bear something that means to to carry it, doesn't it? You know, bearing a load or something.

So maybe the first person that died in the world was called Paul. Or the first FSO was called Paul. And they had a team of Pauls and they went and got the pool bearers. So that probably might be it. I want that to be the story. The first one to carry a coffin was called Paul. So they called it pool bearer. And that's just stuck.

If you are a Paul Bearer, and your first name is Paul, get in touch with us in all the usual social places. I like how we've started quite light on... Are we going to get dark today, John? Well, on a subject that I was kind of coming into it, I was a bit like, this one will be tough.

You sent me a text on the way down and I sensed a certain amount of concern. There is concern. There's concern that whenever I think about death or whenever I talk about death, I can feel it already. I can feel it in the room. Obviously, no one listening can feel it, but already it's like, oh, fuck, the tone's changed. I'm a little bit nervous that it'll be too doom and gloom.

But then doom and gloom is doom and gloom. That's why it's called fucking doom and gloom. But then doom and gloom is doom and gloom. That's why it's called fucking doom and gloom, isn't it? The thing is with funerals is, it's one of those things which everybody in the world is going to lose somebody, whether it's your mum, your dad, your grandparents, a child. Everybody's going to lose somebody. But it's never talked about.

And for us in the profession, we find it difficult because people don't think about it. And then what happens is this big event happens in your life. You're really, really upset because you've lost somebody, but then you don't know what that person wanted. So that's where we've got to use our expertise in guiding them through the process of what they want. Because when my dad first started the business 25 years ago, funerals were very, very basic. They would be at a church, buried in a churchyard. So you'd know you'd be going to the church, the coffin would be taken to the church.

We only ever had one coffin and that would be taken to the church. You'd have a service in the church and then the person would get buried outside whereas nowadays it's developed into these very big events and they're getting a bit like weddings where you can have doves orders of service you can have specialist vehicles you can have colored coffins it's getting more and more of these you know big events for people horse and carriage instead of a normal hearse you can have a horse and carriage and it is a big event and that's why we always say to people is it's better to have that conversation before the person dies now i don't mean you know at 21 years old having a conversation with your son about what's the matter with him but having a conversation with your mom or your dad you know when they're 60

years old and saying what you actually want in the long run would be very beneficial for people and it is a difficult thing to talk about we understand that but if you have that conversation then it's a lot easier moving forward because everyone thinks it's going to last forever everyone thinks we're going to live to 120 or scientists will make this formula which you're drinking will live forever but unfortunately that ain't gonna happen we're all gonna die sadly that means there are bad news but there's a high chance you are going to die. What? What, both me and Joe? Just to clarify this, both me and Joe are going to die?

Yeah. Fuck. Fucking hell. Steve, you have fucking got a lot to answer for here. You've brought Fred on board, and he's come in, and he's just fucking told me and Tom we're going to die. Thanks a fucking bundle. What sort of angle's that? You bastard. Where do we go from here? Well, fuck it. he's just fucking told me and Tom we're going to die. Thanks a fucking bundle. What sort of angle's that? You bastard.

Where do we go from here? Right, fuck it. Let's just stop there. Shall we finish? What's the point, Joe? Because we're going to die. Let's go out of the piss. No, it's a very

well-explained answer that with a lot of things that come with troubles of us as a human race comes with a lack of communication. Rather ignore it, wouldn't we? Rather ignore it. You rather dream and then you end up dreaming up other shit and you're not actually communicating with each other what you want and then in that moment where all your loved

ones are going through the darkest time or so much grief they've still got to fucking try and consider oh my god what what would he or she wanted here today what would they have done and then you're like fucking i wish they'd have told us. Do you want to make it a little bit easier and we could have had a nicer time actually celebrating their life? Exactly, and that's the other thing people have issues with is the fact that you have this service to celebrate this person's life, right? And that's a lot of pressure for someone to organise if you don't know what they want.

So they're asking you to make a 45 minute or half an hour service about all the great things they've done, but you've got no idea what they want. So you've now got to think, oh, what was mum's favourite song? What hymns did mum like? What poems did mum like? Would mum like us telling this story about when she did this? And that is a real issue for people because you're put in a situation where you're really upset, but you're also trying to represent that person's life as best as you can. I mean, Joe, we've established

that both you and I are going to die. Also, Fred, just so you know, you are as well. I know. So we're all in the same boat now. Yeah, we're all in the same boat. Yeah, I agree, yeah. So, Joe, this has got me thinking.

Hopefully you won't die for many long years, but if you are to die and maybe i'm in some way involved with the funeral um what oh no maybe you don't get to choose or do you clearly don't do you if how can i go how can i right fred here's my plan for the funeral and i don't want x y and z to be there you can't unfortunately you can't fucking do that unlucky we we've we've had it before what people don't realise is, it's like crematorium and churches are public spaces.

So you can't stop anyone from attending a funeral. So we had a funeral once where the family didn't want this person turning up. So they had a bouncer on the door, right? I said to them, look, you can't do this because it's a public place. So anybody can turn up. There's no laws against it.

They're like, I didn't care that they're not coming in. Who was the person? Why was he such a beef a beef i mean the issue you have with things is when people pass away a lot of stuff about them sometimes chances i'm not going to comment but yeah it was it was something along those lines and and they um yeah so they turned up and then this bouncer was like you know he had his little badge on and he was like sorry you're not coming in a bit like if you try to get in China, wipes with a pair of trainers on. And I was sitting next to him and I was like, this is only going to go one way. And they've gone absolutely ballistic. And I'm stood there going, and she's going, you know, you help, you help, you get me.

And I was like, look, I'm not going to get involved. And then, yeah, then the old bill rank turned up. To get her in? No, no, no, no. Because the bouncer touched her, inverted commas. She rang the old bill. They turned up. And then the family are coming out of the,

because obviously at a crematorium you've got an entrance and an exit. They're coming out of the exit. The bouncer and the old bill are chatting. I'm just stood there going, right, okay. Fuck. But yeah, mad occasion that was, yeah. Yeah, it's not often that I would expect a bouncer to be at a funeral going, no, you're not on the yeah, mad occasion that was, yeah. Yeah, it's not often that I'd expect a bouncer

to be at a funeral going, no, you're not on the list, you're not coming in. Yeah. However, Tom, unfortunately for you, there will be a bouncer at my funeral.

Maybe I'm going to come in disguise as Paul Bearer. Well played. Well played. What have you thought about songs then, Joe, at yours? Adele?

Adele? Adele's just fucking obviously going to... If she's not there singing it live, then my wife will have failed, because that would be my last request. No pressure, Dave. My funeral. Adele has to be there singing.

The loss of your husband, you need to book the biggest star in the world to come to East Sussex. Yeah, I think it's a tough one, Tom. Not just in terms of songs, but in terms of the questions of what we're talking about. Because I'm more than capable of taking the piss out of absolutely anything.

But at the same time, I'm also more than capable of getting really emotional and upset at the smallest of things. And even trying to think of a fucking song for my own funeral. I'm like, oh God, it's making me think of all the other funerals I've been to and like,

oh no, Tom, what have you done to me? So we had this occasion once where you have funerals either, as I said, in a church or a crematorium and they also have these woodland halls where you can have them and it's a woodland burial. And this is before Spotify or iTunes.

Like a pagan thing. It's not like a pagan thing. No, no. It's like a barn. Just like a wood. Like you go to a wedding in a barn. It's like one of those. Yeah, so it's like that.

And so we had this celebrant, which is a non-religious minister. They're called celebrants. So she sorted the music out. The guy was a big Fleetwood Mac fan. So they're like, we're going to have the chain. The chain coming in. So I was like, brilliant. She was like...

She was like, don't worry, Fred. I've sorted the music out. I said, no problem at all. That's fine. So we're carrying the coffin in. And it gets to the... So it gets to the bit in the song where... But what she downloaded wasn't the Fleetwood Mac normal version.

It was the drum and bass version of that song. And as we're carrying the coffin in, that then goes into some sort of dubstep remix. And you get in the beat, you have to go with the bass drop, and you're like, and the fucking coffin's just going up and down your shoulders. You're like, da-da-da-da-da-da. And we're all stood there. And what do you do?

Because there's an eight-year-old bloke being carried into a chapel. And they're playing some sort of dubstep remix of People Back the Chain. And yeah, and then we went, right? And so I was just like, so we went in, had the service. And to be fair to the family they didn't kick up a fuss about it they found the funny side of it but the half an hour of the service was probably the longest half an hour of my life because i was worried that the family gonna go ballistic and the poor celebrant she just didn't really know what to do and i was like

look it's fine don't worry about it. They were fine with it. But this was before, you know, when you used to dial all those songs off, like, you know, the internet. And you didn't obviously know what it was. That is like the perfect situation for me at a funeral. Like something awkward or something. Icebreaker. Icebreaker.

That just makes everyone go, fucking hell. Yeah. Because everyone's full of grief. Everyone's really upset. Well, I presume everyone is. I'm sure there's one or two that they're going fucking thank god that was dead but there's always that emotion and energy in the room that and something happens like if someone farts for example if someone farts their phone goes off and it's just have a bit of a giggle and then you can start again and yeah i mean that's the thing like joe like you said like with funerals on the day it's very very emotional for everybody lucky that family right but it could have easily gone the other way and then because there's a lot of emotions involved in funerals people can get

quite angry and then they're looking for somebody to blame for the reason someone passed away and then they get very upset and they're like don't blame you but you can tell they're taking out their frustration in the situation they're put in on the funeral director or the celebrant. And that's why sometimes funeral director can be difficult because you go to somebody's house. So you've got the privilege of going to somebody's house. You knock on their door and you do not know what's going to be behind that door with regards to what the family's going to react. So sometimes you go behind that door and the family are really upset and it's really, really emotional and they're raw and they, you know, they just can't believe that someone's passed away in their family. And sometimes you go around the house and they're laughing and joking and telling stories about people.

And it's just where to gauge it from you, you know, and, you know, we're just doing a job for people to look after them in this situation. you know we're just doing a job for people to look after them in this situation and this is one of the reasons why I agreed with Steve to come on the podcast was because I think there's a lot of stigma around human directing and I think there's a lot of people who think we're very odd people for the job we do which is just like any other profession you know we're just normal people trying to help people at the hardest time of their life. I reckon Joe since Fred is here there's a lot we can pick his brains on there's a lot we can pick his brains on. There's a lot we can all learn from. The first thing I would like to know is

what is the best thing, Fred, to say to someone who has just lost a loved one? The worst thing to say to somebody is, I know exactly how you feel. Because they'll then turn around and say to you, no, you fucking don't, because you've not lost somebody. So the best thing to say to somebody when someone's passed away is to say to them i'm sorry for your loss and then what you say

to them is you know had mum dad been ill for long and then you get in a conversation about the person you know what they did and then talk about them so then they feel relaxed with you there so you're not going in straight away saying right what coffins you want what flowers do you want you want to you want to yeah you want to have like a conversation with them because you want them to feel relaxed and that's why us as a family funeral directors like around people's houses because you go around the house they're in their living room in their comfortable area and the dog's running around or there's a cat and they're feeling nice and relaxed so we're not putting extra stress on them and and that's the thing you know we want we want them to feel comfortable because as joe touched on it's a very very upsetting thing but we want you to make choices

which would celebrate the person who's passed away do they um i think it's a traditional irish thing is it you know a wake what's a wake is that like when you have that's after the funeral so you have the funeral service and the wakes held in say a pub a rugby club a golf course and the golf club sorry not golf course golf course for the family it's a big old funeral

and everyone everyone goes back there and has a few drinks and food so that's I'm thinking of the one where you're thinking New Orleans they have the coffin

in the family home yeah and they have it for the two nights or three nights before the funeral that's the marriage thing they're all sat around drinking on it and stuff like that.

Does that still happen? Not as much as you think. Yeah. But it does happen. It's very Irish. Or they have the coffin into the church beforehand. So what happens is a Catholic tradition is to have the coffin before the funeral in the church, before the funeral takes place.

Right, so then everyone goes in to the coffin. They have like a mass. Say, for example, the funeral's on a Tuesday. Yeah. So we would take the coffin in five o'clock on the Monday. Yeah. They'd have a short mass. The coffin's left in state overnight.

And then they'd come back in the morning and have a full service, full funeral service. When my grandpa died, coming from an Irish Catholic family, this is exactly what happened, Joe. Really? I remember my mum saying to me, I was about 13, do you want to come and, so he he was in the bedroom do you want to come and see your granddad and i said no you were 13 yeah and you were like i'm all right i didn't want to see him because i thought it would be too upsetting but everyone else was going in there and having a little sit with him and what did you do then you didn't i didn't and i've sort of regretted it since how do you go about actually preserving that body if i want if i actually want to see that on a Tuesday,

but the funeral's not for another couple of days? So we have in our offices high-tech refrigeration units, so the same they've got in the hospitals. So we've got these high-tech refrigerators, which we keep the deceased in. So that's where they're stored. There's like this old wise tale that do this, that, and the other. No, what happens is the deceased will stay in our refrigeration unit.

So that's where they stay until, unless they're going on their funeral or they're going out to be viewed by the family. Apart from the clothes that you put them in, do you have to dress the corpse in other ways? Do you have to put makeup on them? So we don't normally do that. This is one thing which people say, like, oh, you put makeup on. Unless a family ask us, we wouldn't put makeup on or anything like that. If the family asks us to do it, we'll do it. Do you put makeup on unless the family ask us we wouldn't put makeup on or

anything like that if the family asks us to do it we'll do it like with every one makeup joke for i'm just making notes for yours for me yeah i probably would actually how much little just subtle or showy natural natural just a bit i'll probably have really shit skin what sort of age i didn't want to mention this all right we'll get more into the planning let's go back to fred please the family will ask us sometimes to have somebody in a specific head in a certain way or something like that so we'll look after all of that side of it but makeup yeah it's not something we do we do a lot like it's not really unless the family really ask for it but you know we we try and steer away from that as well because to be honest it doesn't normally sit very well on the people, if that makes sense.

Like, we personally think it's better just to leave people as natural as possible. Embalming. What is it? So, yeah, embalming. How do you go about actually preserving that body? So, we don't. Embalming is something they used to do back in the Victorian times because they didn't have this high-tech refrigeration unit. Right.

So, it's literally just the fridge that does it for you. So, we do embalm people, but we don't. It's very, very rare. So, it very rarely happens with the embalming. The majority of people don't be embalmed because it's very intrusive and also it's quite expensive. For what it is, it's not a very nice process. How do you embalm if you are to?

So what they do is they drain all the blood out of the deceased and then they put what they call formaldehyde, and that replaces the blood, and that slows down the deterioration process. I'm just making notes throughout this, Joe, for yours. Do I want to be embalmed? There's part of me that, when I think of embalming, I think of Egyptian pharaohs.

But the way Fred's just described it, slightly not as fancy as I thought it was going to be. No, I'm all right. Mark that down. Don't embalm me. Unless you do it traditionally like the Egyptians. As mummy. Okay, thank you.

What I'm intrigued, and you mentioned it earlier about the stigma that people think most funeral directors or, what do we call undertakers are weird they're morbid they're into the fucking dark side of life from meeting you already this morning having chat you're clearly upbeat bubbly up for a laugh but there must be something in you apart from being a family-run business that has to have some sort of emotional cut-off where you're like, well, I'm dealing with a dead body. I'm trying to think. I've never seen...

No, I've seen a dead body, two dead bodies in body bags. Okay. So I've never actually seen a human corpse with no life in it. And that was enough for me to go, fucking hell, that's just a lifeless corpse in that bag. You must have to have some sort of cut-off. Yeah, and that's the thing. It's like, it is hard.

Like, it's not an easy job. Like, I'm not saying that, you know, there are days when it's tough, you know, when you've gone and seen a family, and they've had a baby, and it's 60 minutes old, and it dies, you know, and then you're the person entrusted with making sure that baby is looked after and everything's done properly. And they're absolutely gutted. It's hard. It's really hard. And the thing that we always say to our staff is to talk about it because we've all been there you know everything which has happened has happened before unfortunately and we say to our staff to

talk about it don't bury your head in the sand it is tough there are times when I've arranged funerals and I've gone back to my office and I've started crying to myself because I think that could be me in the fact that this 30 year old lad was out with his mates and he just had a heart attack and died or he was hit by a bus. And that's the thing is life is so precious and people don't realize that sometimes. And I understand that. But when we work where we work we we value you know we just it's difficult it is difficult but you've just got to work it out and you know speak to people about it don't be afraid to say to somebody i'm struggling with this because we're not robots it's hard but 90 of the time it's a normal working environment you know when we're not on the funerals and we're in the office and we're having our lunch

or we're talking about football or we're talking about nights out or we're talking about, you know, we're not constantly on because I think that would be unhealthy. But when it's time to be serious, we are very, very serious

because you've got to be. Because if you turned up on a funeral and the staff were all larking about and not taking it seriously, it's disrespectful. And that's what the main thing a funeral is about, is respect. It's respecting that person. How do you not take the day job home?

How does that not affect you? So what I do, this is the way I cope with it. So when I go home at six o'clock, half five, I'll take my tie off, I'll put my jacket to one side, I'll put on another coat, which I've worn in, and I get in my car, and to me, that's the job done for the day. That's how I departmentalise, whatever the word is. That's how I...

Compartmentalise. Compartmentalise, that's the word. Decompress. I thought you were going to say decompose. Decompose. That's the word I thought you were going to come out with. There you go. Sorry, that's how...

Nailed it. What's the word? Compartmentalise. Or decompressress that's how i decompress at the end of the day you know and that's that's the end of the day the thing is because i'm the owner of the company what will happen is is at night if someone passes away my phone will ring and that's where it's hard for my wife because we've been married for six or seven years, known each other for 12, 13 years. The hard thing for her is, in the middle of the night, the phone will ring and then I've got to then go into work mode. I've then got to go down to the office,

write out where the person's passed away. Then I have to then ring our on-call team and they will go to the address and they'll bring the person back to our chapels of rest. So that can be difficult because the phone can ring two or three times in the night so you've got to go from being fast asleep to work mode at a drop of a hat but that's the profession we're in if you're not committed to it you're not going to be any good at it you've actually got to invest in it but i think emotionally i think you'd be really joe honestly think and i'm not saying that because you're sat opposite me i think you'd

be a really good human director because Because it's talking to people. The actual nuts and bolts of it is to be a good communicator. And I think you are a very good communicator. Never in a million years had becoming a funeral director or an undertaker that wasn't the one in WWF crossed my mind. Maybe there is life after rugby. Excuse the pun. Wrong phrase, yeah. Maybe there is death after rugby excuse the pun phrase yeah maybe there is death after rugby that is as

bad a choice of phrase as when fred used the phrase um don't bury your head in the sand which i thought even the time fred don't use that again when you go to visit someone who's lost a loved one right i'm gonna i'm gonna need a little break to absorb all of that information and actually call Daisy and go, I might have found a life slash death after rugby. So let's have a little break. On Joe Marler's show. So those were the adverts. Joe, while the adverts were playing.

I've had a little look for the songs most requested slash played at funerals. Oh, some research. Yes. About time you pulled your finger out. I like it. I see your iPad's empty. So I'm going to give you this one. Number one. Oh, no.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you artist. You have to give me the song. Go on. Jerry and the Pacemakers. I thought you were going to say Jerry Halliwell then. Jerry Halliwell. Jerry and the Pacemakers. Fucking hell, that's not a good choice of artist, is it?

There's loads of people that die of heart attacks. That's very true, yeah. You'll never walk alone. Nice. Is it? That's number one. I think it's number one. In the UK? In the UK.

Number two, Frank Sinatra. Fly me to the moon. And now the end is near. And so I face the final curtain. My final curtain. Is it? Okay. Sorry.

Are we doing all ten? The next one, I'm going to give you the top five number three is it goes down as eric idol i'm going to say to you monty python always look on the bright side of life number 14 a turner what's love got to do it got to do it i'm your private dancer. Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela, is it? Fucking hell. That's my gig. It's not Tina Turner's private dancer.

It is Tina Turner's... We're all in. I don't know any other Tina Turner. I've put sea limits. What the fuck? Tina Turner's song, you wouldn't say to someone, you're the second most impressive person I know.

You're the first most impressive person. You're simply the best. It's time to say goodbye on that list. Time to say goodbye. Fred, it is. It's at number six after Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers at five. Time to say goodbye,

Bocelli and Brightman. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Eee. Da-da-da-da-de-da-ba-de-da-ba-da-ba-de. Do. Do-do-da. It's the Step Brothers. Do-do-do.

Do-do-do-do-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I think I'm singing. Fred, I needed you with me there. Sorry, Joe. I've not got that in me, unfortunately. For fuck's sake, I don't know any Latin, so that's why I had to do the humming. I liked it. We float between light and dark on this pod.

Let's float with the light. What are you having at your funeral, Tom? I did think about this on the train down, Joe. Can we assume for the purpose of this discussion I've led a full and happy life? Because if I drop dead on the train the way home, A, it's awkward for Steve's because we're in the same table seat,

but also it might be sad. Let's say I've lived a full and happy life. It's important that you said it might be sad. It might be sad. He might be fine with it. He might just leave me at Macclesfield. I think, Joe,

my instinctive reaction would be to try and cheer everyone up. Free from desire. Free from desire. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Da-dam. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Go on. Tom, are you having burial cremation? Oh. Because if you have a cremation, they could sing four dice on fire. Yes! You see why Fred's got his job. Yeah, Fred, you're the man.

That could work. Fred, you help me plan my funeral then. So, yes, I'm being cremated. Yeah. Cremation or burial for you, Joe, because I need to note this down on my list. I worry that if I went for a burial... Big plot. I'm thinking of the pallbearers.

I'm thinking of the pool berries I'm thinking of the two mates that I've got because you need how many do you need to carry for you Joe it would be a six

it would be a six man carry so if I've only got two mates you've got four my staff will put their so there are people that can help carry buy some death mates basically

I've still got to shell out for mates even though I'm dead fuck's sake so yeah it would be probably six six man carry I'm dead. Fuck's sake. So yeah, it'd be probably six, six man carry. It's got to be, I'm assuming this has to be an even number. It's either four or six because of the space.

You've got to remember a coffin's normally about six foot, six foot two. So if you've got more than six, there's not enough space for people to walk. So it's got to be, four's the ideal number, but sometimes we go to six. Do they have to be roughly the same height on the back you probably have Mario Otoje and

Freddie Stewart they're pretty tall in the middle you're probably looking at your underhills and curries you know they're about that medium height and at the front

you probably have Jamie George and Luke Cowan Dickey you know going down in height order that's probably or maybe Harry Randall possibly Randall

that's a curve ball Randall probably is. Possibly Randall. That's a curveball. Randall probably is in case George cries off. So you probably put Randall in there just in case. There's not a chance in hell I'm going to be remained in that coffin that entire journey with the lads that you've just selected. They're fucking dropping me, mate. I'm definitely spilling out of that. Out of interest, have you ever been involved in something like that so no we haven't

because um because you do a top job no i think yeah it does i think it has happened with regards to but that's more not someone falling through a coffin but the handles of the coffin coming off and then the coffin slipping off people's shoulders. What you've got to remember is, is obviously the majority of the time we carry the coffin. So we're professionals. We've done it countless times. So we know how to carry a coffin. What you've got to remember is sometimes you have family members say, I want to carry a coffin.

And sometimes I think that's a really bad idea. But we can't say to people, that's a really bad idea. Or go, no problem at all. That's fine but then what happens is is they turn up on the day and the coffin's quite heavy and then they're struggling

and you're like so then one of our staff will just step in but majority of times when stuff like that happens it would be mainly because the handles come off

I wouldn't see someone falling through a coffin because they're reinforced your heart must be in your fucking throat though if you see someone struggling like oh my god oh no we're getting there quick i would say funerals for us for me as a funeral director can be quite stressful yeah because the music might go wrong you know the the photo montage won't work or the web stream

won't work i mean when we had covid that's why it was really difficult for us, because we're in an industry where we want to give anything to the family. So the family say to us, we want doves. No problem at all. We'll get you doves. We want that to go on the back of a tractor. We'll sort that out for you. We want a white sparkly coffin. We'll sort that out for you. No problem at all. And then this thing came along called COVID, which no one knew anything about. And then the government were like, right, well, now you can only have 10 people at a funeral. And also, just so you know, if someone passes away with this disease, they're not allowed to come and see them. So we've immediately gone from an industry where we're telling people you can have whatever you want to now saying to people you can't have that.

The hardest thing for me in that whole process, I arranged a funeral for a family, a lady who passed away. Very popular, very well known in our village. Yeah, there were going to be 300 people on this funeral. This was two weeks before Boris gave his speech. Boris gives his speech. This lady had 10 people at her funeral. She's buried in the churchyard. They had speakers set up ready for all these people to turn up.

And she had 10 family members, a burial, all socially distanced apart. Breaks your heart it absolutely broke my heart and i was like well i don't know what to say to the family and they're you know really upset their mums died and basically they've had 10 people and they couldn't even give each other a hug or anything and you think that is hard that is really hard to say to somebody you're gonna have this really big party but now actually you have 10 people there you know it's difficult and the other thing for that was with our staff. My staff are brilliant. I love my staff to bits, but I had to stand there and say to them,

just so you know, there's this really deadly virus going around. It's killing people. Don't want to get it. It's really, really bad. If you get it, you're going to end up in a ventilator in the hospital. But just so you know, if someone passes away from it in a nursing home or a hospital you're gonna have to go there and bring them back to our mortuary and at the beginning you know scientists didn't know what it was about so how would i a funeral director from the west country know the best protocols for my for my business and yeah it was hard it was hard and like it was hard seeing the families because as i said you there was a lot of funerals where there's like no one there and it was hard it was hard and like it was hard seeing the families because as i said you there was a lot of funerals where there's like no one there and it was just really sad and you just feel

really sorry for people it was very uplifting sometimes where we would go to somebody's house and there'd be hundreds of people lying in the streets clapping the the family through clapping the hearse that real community spirit was really good but it's also heartbreaking is everything back to normal yes yeah we're all back to normal my staff i still advise to wear face coverings in public places because you imagine if we do three funerals a day that's 15 funerals a week you do that many a day yeah yeah yeah we do about three funerals a day fucking hell you must be stressed out your tits you can't get through three funerals a day it's not me personally our

company would do three a day okay but it's hard and i know covid was hard for everybody and i understand that completely but there were times where i was a bit like you imagine like you're expecting 300 people to turn up the funeral and there's you're there with you know your family and all stood two meters apart horrendous really bad fucking awful do you think you'd end up getting 300 people coming to yours you're quite a popular bloke aren't you you're not one of these characters that upsets people

he's got a team in the os they'd all turn up because of Geraint you know so he'd have that that's what's that and the bus so that's probably

10, 12 fucking hell we're still a long way short of 300 at Brownsford will you be there no realistically no

the fact there's a whatsapp group that all me and all my cousins are on and bear in mind that from so my mum

was one of eight kids there are 20 something cousins the offspring of the cousins we were now up to over 100

on the offspring of the cousins I think we're on 102 so if I got the whole of the whole family to come off the Essex marshes and come along, we bumped up a certain amount. Your family live

on marshes? On the Essex marshes. What like? They're sub-aquatic. Sub-aquatic? How many are you getting, Joe? It'd be a state funeral. It'd be a state funeral. It'd be like Princess Diana. I'd say no more than 11.

Do you want me to be one of the pallbearers? Oh, what? No, I want to be burnt. Not burnt. I want to be cremated. I can't. I'm claustrophobic, for starters. You'd be dead, but anyway.

I know, mate. We're meant to be respecting each other's requests here. Note this down, please. If I find out for some reason that it's it's there's an afterlife and i find out you fucking shoved me in a coffin and i'm not been put into ashes yeah let me just write this down ridiculous what about where would you like to be sprinkled based on now and my love for the sea i'd like to be sprinkled in the sea but then you go what's the fucking point in sprinkling me in the sea

because it's only going to wash up on the fucking thing anyway and make it all frothy you have to get permission so you couldn't just turn up at the stoop one day and just chuck them on the pitch before the game but you could well technically you could do anything didn't you even as a former player

well he'd be alright but I'm talking about Quinn's diehard fans but what I say to people is if you want them scattered say at, at the beach, if you went down to the beach on, like, a morning in November and you scattered them subtly, that'd be okay. Bank holiday in August. Yeah, that's the thing. That is the thing, though, Tom.

People do that, and they don't realise why they get in trouble, because they're... We had someone tell us we're not allowed to do that. I said, well, obviously not, because you're scattering someone's remains in a public place. Someone's just slapped a load of sun cream. What sort of trouble are we getting into that? Is that a fine?

Yeah, I'd imagine it'd be a fine, yeah. Yeah, maybe a banning order from the area, possibly. This is the last time you can scatter ashes in this area. Possibly. I don't know, you might get, you know, Asbury maybe? I don't know, it is a weird one. It's not a weird one, it's an interesting one, because you always talk about these different requests.

There's people that have ashes put in ink and a tattoo done. Yeah, and they do jewellery as well. Jewellery, making it into, put it in diamonds or something like that. Fireworks. Fireworks. So what people send people, it's a new thing. So you send them off to this company and they put them in the firework. He'll come down and do a display for you and like the fireworks but there was always that thing how do you know he's using the ash or whoever they are

using the ashes you go yeah i'll have them he's fucked them off in the bin and he's just set up a load of fireworks that he's got from the corner shop really so so that that is a question we get asked a lot joe honestly how do you know that that's actually correct so that question gets asked a lot people ask me that or we heard that basically they cremate everybody at the end of the day and all this kind of stuff. If you went to a crematorium, I mean, you're obviously not, but if you went to your local crematorium and asked to look around, it's very, very open. They would allow you to go and have a look at how the whole process works. It's really interesting.

All the coffins are assigned like a number. That number stays with them from when the service finishes till when you're handed the cremated remains back. Would the ashes you get, that also includes the ashes of the coffin, does it? Yeah. So the only things which is taken out of the ashes are the metals. So the metal screws, if you had a ring on, for example, if you had a metal ankle, after they cremate the coffin,

they have this magnet type thing which goes over and it takes all that stuff out and then the cremated remains and then put in what they call a cremulator which is like a tumble dryer which has got four massive ball bearings in probably size of grapefruits and then that fine makes the ashes of fine dust which you get given back to you do you know what temperature we'd need to be at for us to get down? I would, but I think it's about 400 degrees. And an average person probably takes about an hour and a half to be cremated. An hour and a half? Yeah.

That seems a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, it's quite a long process. You know, you see the curtains. Have you been to a cremation? The curtains and the slowly closing and the coffin going slow. They don't light it there and then, you knob. But that James Bond film where he's in the coffin. They don't light it there and then, you knob. But that James Bond film where he's in the coffin. No.

What? When have you ever been to a cremation and you've seen the... Where does that go? Yeah, so the curtain's shut, as Joe said, and then the coffin is taken behind the chapel. That's where they keep the cremators. And then the coffin's then put into the cremator.

But one thing people don't know is if you wanted to watch the coffin being cremated, you can watch the crematorium staff put the coffin into the cremator. In some religions, they like to be the last one to touch the coffin. They've reduced it now because of COVID. But before COVID, you'd have like 15 people back there and

they're all trying to be the last person to touch the coffin and as you can imagine it's 400 degrees and you're a bit like don't don't get too close to that you know because if you get too close to that then you're going to do some damage hey you play with fire i like it joe thanks this episode is sponsored by the following whoa nelly Nellie! It's Ellie James. The Mayor of Where? It's Ken Mare. The Clare Bear? Clare, Blako or Blako. Can you see him from the trees? It's Jim Wood. AJH. It's Andrew John Heath.

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To be more like all of them, go to patreon.com forward slash joemilashow, become an official sponsor, and grow the show today. What are the strangest requests you've had in terms of... So we've had a lady once recorded her own eulogy before she died and then she played it during the service. What? I like that, I like that. What?

But she didn't tell anybody she was going to do it so they just played during the service. I'm going to ask this question on behalf of Steve. Fucking hell. Does she have a quality mic? It wasn't recording a bit, actually. We've had people... Hang on a minute.

She didn't tell anyone? No. But obviously, she told her husband, but none of the congregation knew about it. Right. Just for a second, Tom, you pitch yourself in this church or wherever it is, the crematorium

and I've gone Do it now, so we're at the very sad day Joe's passed away Do my music, funeral music Free from desire This really got out of hand. Just do some sad music And I'm going to basically be the celebrant

and before we go any further, we'd like to play you the following short message. Hello. Hello. It is me, Joe. I know some of you might think

that Nelson Mandela is in attendance at Joe's funeral today, but I am not. I am dead. I am actually Joe. But I am also dead. But I will have you all know, I am here with Nelson,

enjoying our time together and perfecting my impersonation. Or I'd be like, Tom, Tom. And because no one knows, and it's just, but you know it's my voice. Everyone's looking around like, where the fuck? He's faked it all. He's actually at the back of the thing.

That would scare the fucking life out of me. If I was there and that woman just started speaking, I'd be like, oh, I'm not sure about this one. But did they find it funny, do you think? They were all very happy with it. Some things which you might find strange yeah you know that's the thing isn't it and it's as i said at the very beginning it's a celebration of that person's life you know in live and let die they have that band you know you play in front of the cot we've had that on the funeral before like a new orleans marching band

i was a bit like this is a bit mental but they barely had they had like a new orleans marching band but the worst thing for a funeral director is a bagpiper, right? Because... It sounds terrible. Yeah, but also you've got to walk. So what we do as a funeral director is we walk in front of the hearse. That's called paging. So you page in front of the hearse.

When you get to the crematorium of the church, you walk in front. But the family have paid for this bagpiper, so they want him to walk with you. So then you've got to spend 20 minutes listening to some bloke play some out of tune bagpipe in your left ear and you're just going

oh my god and then you've got to say anything but then he's playing like Flower of Scotland on repeat because he only knew two songs

which is like there's only two songs that really work with bagpipes and then he was like oh do you like bagpipe music and you're like

yeah yeah love it not any fucking more hang on that's the opening conversational gambit from a bag oh, do you like bagpipe music? And you're like, yeah, yeah, love it. Not any fucking more. Hang on, that's the opening conversational gambit from a bagpipe player. Do you like bagpipes? Do you like bagpipes? Yeah, got all the panpipe music in it, listening all the time. Walking in front of you is paging.

Yeah. And it's obviously quite slow and controlled. Yeah. Cyclists, before you ask, cyclists. Cyclists are the worst at that, because I've nearly been hit two or three times by cyclists. Never cars, always cyclists yeah i know you are cyclists cyclists are the worst at that because i've nearly been hit two or three times by cyclists never cars always cyclists and then you go in what are you doing mate and they're like oh sorry i didn't realize like oh yeah so i'm just walking in front of a car because that's just what i'm doing doing like jeff cape's putting the car on my shoulders

like you know it's like look on their face like what are you doing i'm like well there's a coffin there and there's a black car what do you think put that down hold on uh so fred's gonna do my funeral just so you know yeah uh but i want fred to pull my instead of horse and cart horse and carriage it's uh fred and carriage okay specifically and he has to dress like jeff capes okay what in the because this happens to all of us, Fred. You might be walking, you might be driving or on a bike, and you see a hearse coming towards you. And you can see from the cars behind you that it is on the way to the funeral.

How should we act? Should we stop? Should we bow our heads? If you're in a car and you're driving towards us, just drive past very slowly. If you're coming towards us. If you're on the side of the road, take a hat off maybe, bow your head. That's fine.

If you're behind us, don't ever take the hearse and limousine. The other thing which happens, so you've got the hearse and you've got the limousine. And you come out of a junction and some belter will be like, I'm not waiting. And then they're in between the hearse and limousine. I've just been driving in between us. There's a scene in between us. They're in a rush and he's trying to pull out. And he's like, no, fuck it, go. And Jay, his mate, goes, go, go now, it's clear.

And it's only clear because they're going so fucking slow. And they're in this yellow fucking Fiat Punto. And he's like, oh, fuck. And the people behind are like, fucking get out of the way. Get out of the way. That does happen more than you think. Honestly, it does. Like, it does like it does

people just need to be more aware would be the word I use to describe it I've got a couple of other hearse related questions if I could find them out to you

how fast can a hearse go if it has to so yeah they can go pretty fast we don't normally drive fast never seen one go fast we don't normally

drive them fast when we've got a coffin on board probably that's why yeah but they if there's no coffin on board we probably drive them at say 40've got a coffin on board probably that's why then yeah if but they um if there's no coffin on board we probably drive them at say 40 50 miles an hour their majority of them are converted cars so what they'll do is they'll get a bentley or a jaguar and they'll chop it in

half they'll put an extra second length in it and then change the roof so it's in the hearse hearse shape so that's what they do so the majority of the cars have actually got the same engine as a normal Bentley, Jaguar, Rolls-Royce, etc. So they can go pretty fast. Is the wooden platform, is that hollow? Is it a storage area? So it's a storage area, but normally that's where we keep like a trolley

or what we call webs and stuff which help us lower coffins into graves. So we use it as a bit of a storage area. Has anyone, like when a hearse is at the end of its useful life for a funeral director, do they get purchased by Gothic people? Yeah, you can buy them. You can buy them. To be honest, looking at them, it's actually got loads of space.

A family holiday would actually be quite, because the boot space is fantastic. I'm looking at a Ford Norwood and it's a Tdci modern hearse there's fucking loads of boot room obviously but this one's got seats in the front and the middle like so that's would fit all the kids and then we could just put the dogs in the back and then people would always let us out as well wouldn't they or a black suit you could just walk in front There's one way of beating the traffic then, I'll fucking go for that then. What other strange quests have you had? People turn up in fancy dress sometimes. The

deceased? No, no, the mourners. The mourners. People have strange coffins, like... What sort? I thought all coffins were like just bog standard. No, no, no, no, no. There's loads of different coffins you can have. Like what? So you can have a cardboard coffin, a wicker coffin. Fucking hell, can you imagine trying to carry me in a cardboard coffin?

And you can have coffins, so you have like a standard... I'm just fucking fooling... How's someone getting a cardboard coffin? Well... Do they not... Surely you can't carry them in that. Yeah. But they're full straight through, it's made.

It's got a solid bottom. So it's Joe. But what people also can have is like, you can have... It's like a parcel which says, this way up. What? Yeah. So you can have, it's like a parcel which says this way up. What? Yeah. So you can literally have anything you want? Yeah.

You can have whatever you want. White coffins, sparkly coffins. You can have anything. On average, how much is a funeral going to cost someone? So if you use an independent funeral director, which is a family of a funeral director. Which we should. Yeah, I'm saying you should. You're encouraged because you've obviously told us why you're so good at it.

They're about for a funeral, for a cremation, hearse, standard veneer, don't cough in, bearers, flowers, orders of service, about four and a half thousand pounds. Are you charging a little bit extra because I'm asking you to pull it yourself? No, no, I wouldn't charge you any extra. Oh, you do it for free?

But as long as... Can you get that written down? It's going to be in the contract. You're looking at about £4,500. £4,500, yeah. Let's say when Joe passes eventually, he has spent most of his money, Fred, I need to knock off a grand from the total.

Where can I make my savings? Your barter... Oh, sorry. So if you don't have a limousine, a lesser coffin, et cetera, that's where you can save some money. So the cheapest option is the cardboard coffin, I'm guessing. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't suggest anyone having a cardboard coffin. We stock them because people want them,

but I always advise my family not to have them because, as you said, Joe, they're not very sturdy. Not the bottoms, but the sides. So that's why, and they also creak a bit, which I don't think is appropriate. Right, so I'm not going to make the savings on the, in fact, Fred,

I'm going to give Joe a treat. I'm going to give Joe a proper send off. If I double that, if I'm willing to go up to eight to see Joe off in style, where would I be best off spending my money? Cars for Joe's family. That was for one limousine,

so you could have four or five limousines. I ain't got fucking hell. How big's my family? Are they having a car each? Children, partners, cousins, Quinn's support staff, you know? So yeah, and flowers. More flowers. Yeah. I like a flower, actually.

Surely you need to know a little bit about flowers, don't you? I don't know too much about it, but people like the letters. So that's what a lot of people have, like mum or grandma. So I was up at the crematorium a couple of weeks ago and it. But people like the letters. So that's what a lot of people have, like mum or grandma. So I was up at the crematorium a couple of weeks ago and someone had dickhead. How much did it cost me to get dickhead? What do you mean someone had dickhead in flowers? Yeah, letters, yeah, dickhead.

But yeah, that's what they wanted, that's what they got, so to speak. How much did the doves cost me? The dove man, he's on a good one, the dove man, because he charges 250 for the first dove and then 50 pounds for the second dove. Okay, he's got you straight away. And then 30 pounds for every dove after. So if you want three doves, it's costing you like 300 notes. This first dove better be fucking nuts.

Do you know what I mean? This dove, massive chest, the nicest feathers going. What's his coo like the dove from above all you have to do is irano and it comes flying back to you that's what I want from that 250 quid for a fucking bird

to show off its wings does the dove man does he lose all those doves or has he trained them are they homing doves homing doves what at least go back to him

why are we not in the dove man business joe well i think we will be after this my final question for you fred is have you planned your own funeral and if you have talk us through it i haven't planned my own funeral you've just sat here and told us to plan our funerals i hate to break it to you're gonna die i have got an idea in my head what I want. Talk us through it, come on, let's brainstorm it. So I'd like to be buried with my wife in our local church. What, is she still alive? Yeah, well, a grave dug for two people, so both of us can go in together. So that's what we'd want.

I thought it might have been a case of, look, love, sorry. Romeo and Juliet. If I'm going, you'll come with me, even if you've got another 20 years. Yeah. Okay, fine. No, yeah, that'd be nice. Nice service at our local church. And then uh awake at the local pub would you get mates rates

hopefully just hopefully uh hopefully my family was still running the business so hopefully when i die i won't have to pay for it but you never know we might sell out but hopefully i won't have to pay this has been brilliant it's been brilliant because my concerns about coming into it and thinking it's going to be quite heavy and thinking the way you've come across the way you've spoken about those bits and bobs has been brilliant thanks you've spoken so openly and honestly about it that like you said you've you said first off me and tom are diet we're gonna die cheers thanks sorry that is that is a matter of fact at some point we're all gonna die so why the fuck would we avoid talking about these things in the same way we've spoken about mental health in the past why the

issue comes when you're not communicating with these things correct and the more you openly talk about the darker things in life the more comfortable you are about it it's not disrespectful that i'm sure there'll be times, there'll be people that listen to this and they'll complain that at times we might have come across as disrespectful talking about the death, but the intention and the context isn't disrespectful.

And that's, like I said, Joe, like, with funerals and stuff, they are hard. We understand that. All we want to do is respect people and also respect the person who's passed away because we just want their wishes. Because it's a hard time. We understand that. All we want to do is respect people and also respect the person who's passed away because we just want their wishes. Because it's a hard time. We understand that. It's really hard.

Fred, it's been brilliant having you on. Thank you so much for coming on, mate. I've had a great laugh, but also really enjoyed your company. Thank you very much for having me. Thanks, mate. Joe, I'll be honest with you. I thought he was a lovely guest,

but also, and possibly more importantly, a very lovely human being. Yeah, I really enjoyed him. I loved the way that he spoke passionately about how important it is. It's not just a job. Obviously, it's a family business he's done, but he properly buys into it. He said, whatever they want for whatever service they're trying to have, we will accommodate everything. Oh, he's just really nice. I like the way he spoke about it. And obviously trying to change the sort of stigma or stereotype of stiff funeral directors. I shouldn't have used stiff. That was such a bad word. No, but you did so well because you used the words stigma and stereotype,

and I felt this great glow of pride. And then you fucked it up. Yet again. Well, if you enjoyed that as much as Joe and I did, and you would like to support the show, you can now subscribe on Apple, Spotify, and Patreon. Search for, guess what, Joe Marla Show. For a single pound a week, you can get bonus content ad free episodes

and you'll be growing the show at the same time yeah and if you want to get some merchandise also known as merch ridiculous that i have to call it that you can go to joemiler.co.uk forward slash shop and you can order your bits and bobs today superb joe if you would like another podcast to listen to before joe and i are back together in a week's time, let us recommend Dotcom. This is the documentary series about the people of the Internet. They did show a sensational series about Wikipedia. There is another one out now all about Reddit.

So if you think the Internet is this weird, anonymous, faceless place, think again, my friends. Search for dot com and get to know the people behind the screens. Right, who's on next week's show, please? Joe. It is a fashion designer. Well, what the fuck are they going to say about me and you? Well, you. Pardon?

And that's the sort of bitchy chat that I expect. See you then. That's the sort of bitchy chat that I expect. See you then. Crowd Network. A place where you belong. Thank you so much for listening to that. Thanks for sticking through with it. We thought it was a great show.

We think Joe's a good guy. And so we thought it was worth giving it a bash. I thought it was actually really nice to hear talk about death and funerals in a way that kind of removes that taboo factor from society because it's a really difficult topic and something's going to happen to all of us but none of us like talking about it, baby. No, and when it happens to you and you've got to deal with funeral drugs and stuff,

it hits you like a ton of bricks. You're like, I've never had to deal with this before. But when it happens to you, you haven't got to deal with anything. No, that's a good point, actually. I'd like to think I'm going to puppeteer everyone into making the best funeral they can possibly make. Yeah. Anyway, if you enjoyed that episode,

make sure you search for the Joe Marla Show on your podcast application. There are plenty more episodes and professions to learn about there. And in the meantime, we'll see you for another episode of the Luke and Pete Show tomorrow. Ta-ta. Bye. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack Production

and part of the Acast Creative Network.