The Luke and Pete Show - J-League Batteries

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

On today’s show, Pete endures public shaming for his more questionable online purchases, including a realistic latex mask of an old man that did not arrive as pictured! The boys also talk the finer points of Guy Ritchie’s The Gentlemen, critique some of its shocking cockney accents and dissect Luke’s movie night ritual.Also on the show, emails galore! One listener sparks a discussion about the exorbitant prices of dog knee surgery and there is a disconcerting amount of chat surrounding figures of authority sniffing teenagers' hands… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Luke and Pete show. It is Monday, the Czechs' tiny little calendar on my mobile phone. The 19th of October. I do hope you're faring well. My name's Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Mower. Luke, how the devil are you? I'm all right, thank you. I'm not too bad. How about yourself? You doing okay? You had a good weekend? Any car boot sales this week to speak of? No car boot sales, though I did get a mask that I ordered from China. I saw that, and not a COVID surgical mask, but an actual,

I'm going to say novelty mask. It was a novelty humorous mask of an old man, an old man's latex face that I saw on Instagram. I thought, oh, that looks interesting. And it was a decent price. I thought, that's a really professional-looking mask at a very, very cheap price. And it turns out the mask that actually appeared was somewhat... It left a little wanting, I would say. The actual... The finishing, let's say, was a little off.

Maybe I can share a picture of it on the open page of your Twitter. Yeah, you should. I think regular listeners to this show will be absolutely stunned that a man who buys so much off the internet could be duped by such a basic trick. Because what's happened is, that's the equivalent of like when back in the dark old days of eBay where someone would sell, in quotes, a house for a tenner and you'd buy it and it would be the size of a thimble

and you'd go, I've been done there. That's a shame. That's happened to you in 2020. Yeah, I have. And the thing that got me was that I think the actual the actual moulding of the actual latex model itself is the same model that the professional mask I saw online was. But the actual, as I said, the finishing, the hair, the moustache, the little holes where your little eyes peek out. It's a little bit shoddy. It's a Tory PPE deal. They've not delivered on time. They've not delivered in full.

They've got no pedigree in even making novelty masks. It's like they've filled up the mould with sick. It looks disgusting. And they've kind of tried to make liver spots by just basically flicking a paintbrush with brown paint on it. It's an underwhelming product. But well done, Ali Barbar, for seeing me off on that one. What was the motivation for the purchase?

An algorithm gave me some cheap Chinese twaddle that I wanted to buy, and I bought it, and lesson learned until next time. I didn't know if it was for some kind of Halloween type affair. No, I've got no Halloween plans this year to be honest. I imagine my tier two or three Halloween opportunities will be severely limited. Though, as I said,

if I glued up the mouth, it would probably make a pretty decent latex PPE mask. Yeah, just get the consolation prize where you can, mate. Cut the top half of the face off and seal the mouth and just wear it like a surgical mask. That'd be amazing.

Yeah, it'd be absolutely chilling. He's got an inbuilt moustache, though, with a nose. So, yeah, look. It'd be interesting. It'd be an interesting Halloween out on the tiles. I think it'd be very reassuring for people listening to know that wherever they are, whatever's happening in this uncertain world,

that you are still making ill-advised purchases off the internet. Yeah, I saw something this morning that really caught my eye, and it kind of ties in with the Luke and Pete show. You know, back in the day, we used to do battery brands, and we occasionally get a new one every now and again on the Hello at Luke and Pete show. I think we've exhausted all of them yeah so people have um sort of opened up um some cheap remote control and they've found some uh battery that you've never seen before really off-brand stuff with an interesting name or an interesting image on it uh there was one

i don't know when it was but the j league teams all i don't know i think it's like probably about 12 of them 12 15 of them j league one teams released a battery each and you can buy them in this kind of like selection pack um and and and it would have on the front of the battery the mascot of each individual soccer team so you had all of the j league teams and i saw that and i was like you know what that's a collectible but you know for a fact as soon as it into my house, I won't keep it properly and the batteries will start to leak and rot and we'll be in all kinds of trouble. But I do like the idea of having an individual battery, an AA-sized battery in a little collection case

from each individual J-League team. It's a lovely little product. I mean, it's niche. It is niche, isn't it? It is niche. You've got to the point in your life where you don't consider that to be niche, but if you take a step back and think about just the everyday person that is a niche product and also i think with in many ways um i know for a fact i'd go run lawn air batteries and i'd go oh you've got to

keep the set peter but oh yeah you won't want to use them yeah amazon fire tablet needs it needs a battery what What can I, I mean, we've been in on that. I've been inundated with correspondence of people asking what's happened to the collection of wrestling figures you purchased last week. Can we get an update on that? They're still in a carrier bag,

to be honest. I've also in the meantime, to be fair, it's been, it's been a ripe old week. You, you, you do well to ask me about what I've bought this week

because last week it was wrestling figures. This weekend, you know one of those little fellas from the 80s who used to have a suction cup? It used to be a suction cup to the inside of your car and it used to have a little bulb and you'd press the bulb in and it would reveal his bottom. He'd pull down his pants and reveal his bottom. Yeah, vaguely, yeah.

Yeah, I bought one of those for 50 quid. 50 quid. What? What is it, a vintage collectible or something? It is, yeah. It's from the 80s. And it's so far into the 80s, the actual rubber hose that comes with it is starting to perish.

So use it or lose it, people. You need to look after your latex rubber. I think people are going to take the piss when they hear this. You're spending money just on random stuff. It's like it's burning a hole in your pocket, as my dad would say. No, I've got – no, the – look, we're all the way up. Have you reacted quite badly to moving house? Because that's what people are starting to think.

But they've got this – but i want to do a little joke and i won't tell you what the little joke is but i'm really looking forward to filming subjectivity i expect um so yeah i'm very much looking forward to uh to do a vital job but it's a very expensive job yes it's a vital prop in the joke i'm going to make. It's a five-second gag. I'm really looking forward to making it, but it will be underwhelming. Well, once you say it, Luke, it will be underwhelming, but it's worth it. What are we here for? Speaking of that, so our good friend and legendary producer and editor, Katie,

who does Jack McTappy Hour, who does Luke and Pete Show, and she does some Ramble stuff as well does jack's happy hour who does luke and pete show and she does some ramble stuff as well she's just an all-around legend she's been on holiday from work for two weeks so it's her first day back today and i know because she said that she was really looking forward to it that when she was away she was this is bad speaking of terrible jokes this is bad and the worst thing about it is I probably was on tenterhooks waiting to say it for about 72 hours. But I saw on Instagram she went to a socially distanced concert to see Sophie Ellis-Bexter, right?

Right? Anyway. Yeah, so she went to see Sophie Ellis-Bexter. And when I came in this morning, she wasn't in. She came in a little bit later than me. I was recording the ramble. And I went came in this morning, she wasn't in. She'd come in a little bit later than me. I was recording the ramble. And I went back into the office and she was sat in there. And I feigned like a really worried face, right?

And I said, oh, Katie, thank God you're okay. You know, I heard there was a massive incident at that Sophia Spexter gig. She's like, really? I was like, yeah, it was all over the news. Did you not see it? She's like, no. I said, what was it? And I said, apparently there was a murder on the dance floor, right?

And she looked at me like I was a disappointing and a bit weird uncle, which in many ways I am. And it fell flat on its face, mate. Yeah. And I think it was Albert Camus who said, or certainly one of those kind of existentialists who said, or kind of alluded to the idea that the anticipation of doing something is often a lot better than actually doing it.

Like, i.e. life is the journey, right? You don't worry about the destination. And I can say I'm delighted to report that in that instance, he was absolutely correct. Yeah. Did he not also say that DJ better not kill a groove? Yeah. Or there'll be hell to pay.

Burn this goddamn house right correct. Yeah. Did he not also say that DJ better not kill the groove or there'll be hell to pay. Burn this goddamn house right down. Yeah. So that's, I understand all about jokes that have fallen flat, mate. I understand how it goes. You know, but it doesn't deter me.

I mean, I'm not being funny, but Bex does literally say she's going to burn the fucking place down in a horrific arson attack because the DJ will kill the groove.

Yeah. And that's not up to her. That's no way to improve everyone's time, is it? It's not even a position you can negotiate with, really. And also, people who've seen us DJ Pete will know that we do kill the groove regularly, so we'd be in trouble. We'd be down to death. Wouldn't we?

I won't because I'll be dousing alcohol. I actually know that's the worst thing I can be dousing. I remember the last time when you and I, we DJed a while, years and years ago. And we were choosing an alternate song, weren't we? I remember this. And I played. Up to a point.

I played not. Well, you tried to say that I took over. You fucking disappeared for about half an hour at one point. Anyway, I played, yeah, well, you try and say that I took over. You fucking disappeared for about half an hour at one point. Anyway, I remember at one point playing

Jay-Z's 99 Problems, right? And some people got up and started dancing. I was pretty happy with it. And one guy who I thought was getting up to dance,

right? Or to enjoy the song or to come over to kind of say great tune, just went up to me, called me over and just went too early. Way too early. I was like, all right, thanks. And that's the last time I'll DJ.

That's probably the last time I will ever DJ. I'm going to burn this goddamn house right down, he says. So what else did you get up to over the weekend, Don Aldson? No, not to be honest. I cancelled a social engagement because of my tum-tum. Oh, what? I've had tum-tum problem for about four or five days now.

So I think I'm actually going to get to the doctors for the first time in my life. I've had ongoing stomach troubles for about 25 to 30 years. And yeah, I'm finally going to consult a medical professional about my tum-tum.

And so soon after you recommended heartily gaviscon to me last week that's the only product out there it's the only product out there there was somebody actually got in touch a little while ago about renitidine apparently they were part of the uh there was we got an email a couple weeks ago basically talking about that they're part of the um food and drug organization that checks that the you know supply lines are okay and stuff and uh yeah they were at the vanguard of the whole renitidine uh cancellation renitidine is cancelled right zantac cancelled but not because it said something bad because it could be genuinely harmful yes exactly yeah it's not part of cancel culture is it no cancer culture, if anything. That's offensive, but very good.

I watched a film at the weekend called The Gentleman. Have you seen it? I have, yeah. I really enjoyed it. Look, it's him who did Sherlock Holmes and Lockstock, isn't it? Proper naughty. Guy Ritchie. Madonna's husband, Guy Ritchie.

Look, he can't write a film to save his life, but I think he can certainly direct. And there's very few Guy Ritchie films I've not enjoyed. It's a little bit strong with the racial stuff, but my main problem with that film, and I did enjoy every last minute of it, Charlie Hunnam's accent. Yeah, and I think we should talk about this.

And what I should say is that he's not been married to Madonna for 12 years. Yeah, still. And I'm pretty sure he did write and direct The Gentleman, didn't he? Mm-hmm. I think he did. Yeah. But, yeah, so with Charlie Hunnam, I realised, having started to watch the movie, that I –

so it's basically a kind of 2019 version of lock stock, isn't it? It's much more slickly shot and directed and it's got more famous cast and stuff. But anyway, the point I was just going to make was that when I started watching it, I realized that I haven't actually seen Charlie Hunnam in anything since I saw a green street,

right? Which is 15 years ago. I've not seen any of his other movies. in anything since I saw Green Street, right? Oh, right. Which is 15 years ago. I've not seen any of his other movies. Was he in Queer as Folk as well? Yes, he was. Did he get his bum-bum kissed? Apparently it's possible, yeah.

I think he got his bum-bum kissed. Also in Biker Grove. Biker Grove? Yes, yeah, yeah. Because he's a Georgian. He's from the Sheepers. This is the thing, Pete. This is what I was going to say.

So he did Sons of Anarchy for six years, but I've never seen that. So he was in Green Street. And the biggest takeaway from Green Street, which weirdly has this cult following over in the US, which I wasn't aware of until- It's football day. Is that Green Street? It's football day.

But the biggest takeaway is his accent, which is absolutely mad. It is mad. He can do an American accent better than he can do a Southern accent. It's football day. But the biggest takeaway is his accent, which is absolutely mad. It is mad. He can do an American accent better than he can do a Southern accent. It's weird. Yeah. So notoriously, present company included, people from that part of the world find it hard to do a Southern accent. What are you fucking talking about sometimes?

And Charlie Hunnam in Green Street, they've obviously thought, you know what, he's a good actor, they've obviously thought you know what he's a good actor which i think he is and he's a great presence and he looks great we're just gonna we're just gonna get him to do a different accent rather than hiring a cockney actor we're gonna use hunnam and we're gonna get him to do another accent and it just doesn't happen it's horrendously bad but i don't even know what he's going for at some point. At one point, they get into a situation with a rival, a fucking naughty rival firm, and he just says, he just shouts, we're going nowhere. We stand and fight.

And it just sounds so weird. But anyway, his accent in The Gentleman is presumably his natural accent, but it still sounds weird. it's no i think he's gone for has he gone for a southern accent he's kind of like oscillating between the two or he's forgotten his accent i can't figure it out in the like he never really understood his own accent in the first place i can't figure it out but you're still quite good at it yes exactly and that's presence is everything isn't it like he's just got he's just got that movie star presence but he just his accents are just obscene yeah hugh grant's great

in it i've never seen hugh grant play that type of character like a quite a kind of camp gay but rough cockney reporter investigative reporter he's really good like steals the show isn't it yeah very enjoyable it was a fun fun fun uh little film little proper naughty little film i um i had to fight tooth and nail to have it as my selection in um mimi and i's uh film film night and uh she actually enjoyed it as well so everyone everyone's yeah what's that what's the politics on on that how does that kind of work what do you have to like present a case is it like lobbying for for the oscars uh i know the it's kind of the policy is that i go through a list of films to which mimi says no to every single one of them and we end up watching lord of the rings that's what normally happens but this time that's a long film i know this time around, I was able to sneak this one through.

Because do you know why? Because one of my other most famous film night victories was Snatch, right? Okay. And Mimi really enjoyed that. I think she's really into the whole British culture of it and stuff. And it's a good story, Snatch. And I told her it's by the same guy, Snatch, and so she was into it. So we were able to watch it. Yeah. Have seen did he do rock and roller you haven't seen

that though no i'm not saying i should get around to watching that because again i do enjoy again some of his movies have been so panned that it's like a joke right yeah was it king arthur he did with um david beckham making a cameo appearance? Yeah. And he did Revolver, which got absolutely battered as well. Yeah. He did that movie with Madonna swept away, didn't he? Yes. Yeah, that ringed as well. Yeah.

Yeah. But he's back on form with The Gentleman. I recommend it. I think it's decent. Yeah, it's enjoyable. I also went to see, last week, In a Cinema for the first time, probably this year, I think. I went to see La Haine, you know, the first time probably this year i think um i went to see you know the um film it's a brilliant um uh yeah it was just nice to see a nice big print nice big

you know black and white um kind of three four ratio um film it was it was really a bloody good looking film and uh yeah just a bit of a classic and it's one that I've kind of very much enjoyed since the 19th yeah it's absolutely brilliant it's so impactful and so arresting as a story and so well done it's brilliant has it got Vincent Cassell in it is that what you said his name?

I think it was his breakout he's brilliant in it he's absolutely brilliant it's a great movie I would recommend it have you seen the Mejlin? Mejlin, yeah, that's great as well. I think it's a trilogy. I've seen the first one. Trilogy.

Yeah, it's well worth watching through. I think there's three of them, or maybe just two. But either way, it's very good. He's just a very watchable guy. Yeah, it's well worth digging out. If you've not even seen Laheyn, just for film historian kind of fans, watching, there's a scene in the middle of the film, bearing in mind this is made in like 94, 96 maybe, maybe 97.

I'm very forgetful on that number. What was the only year you mentioned that, by the way? It's definitely not that one. It's definitely not that one. It's definitely 95. There's a shot that looks like a drone shot. There's a, you know, it's where there's a DJ on the housing estate and he's playing Fuck the Police mixed in with Rihanna.

And then the shot goes from the sweeping camera movement, from looking at the DJ in the window, turning around and then sort of floating through the through the housing estate in Paris. And and it looks amazing, if a little bit wobbly. And I'm like, oh, my God, is that a drone shot? And it wasn't. It was a helicopter. It was a tiny helicopter with a tiny camera on the front. And it was used in like three or four films. But it really was kind of groundbreaking. And La Haine, I think, was of the first uh first films to use it it's it's a beautiful shot but now we sort of

take it you know take it as read that we'll have drone shots in our film because they're 10 a penny and they're really easy to to function but yeah wow well every in my mind every single shot in films now is done by a drone yeah every single documentary shot has got a bird's eye view of a town done by a drone in autumn. Even shots that could just be done

with like tracks and those little kind of mine cart cameras that are like, oh, they've just gone rails, aren't they? Yeah. Those ones that could

just be done on that. I think they just use drones now. It's funny you mention that lay-in shot because I completely forgot about that. By now've mentioned that i totally remember it and there's also another famous shot in the film um have you seen the film panic room david fincher movie no no that was famous for a shot where the camera goes from right at the back of the room and it

zooms all the way in but it doesn't really zoom it kind of i suppose what of the room, and it zooms all the way in. But it doesn't really zoom. It kind of, I suppose, what's the word for it? It kind of tracks in all the way through the room, and it goes through the handle of the coffee cup. And at the time, people were going mad about that, saying that is like in 2002 or whatever. And I presume it was some kind of CGI. And I presume it was some kind of CGI. But I think people would be surprised to see how much, like, green screen CGI stuff is used these days, possibly, arguably,

when it doesn't technically need to be used because it's just cheaper, right? Yeah, just for expense and, you know, actor availability and location. Yeah, just for expense and actor availability and location. Yeah, yeah. Because have you ever seen the dragons in quotes that, what's her name, Emilia Clarke had to act with for her dragon scenes in Game of Thrones? No. I mean, it's just ridiculous.

Oh, weren't they like fellas? Weren't they fellas and lasses in suits? No, at the start of the plot line, when the dragons are small, it's like, it's quite hard to explain, but it's like a little green, almost like a marshmallow on the end of a green stick. Yeah.

So I think that's just for sight lines. I think that's just for like where the head would be. Yeah, exactly. And tell you what, it's the trickery. It's the magic of modern cinema, Peter, you know. The magic of modern cinema. The magic of modern podcasting. People wouldn't know that you and I aren't even in the same room, you know.

Yeah, people wouldn't know that I'm completely stark bollock naked. I think they would assume that by now. And on that bombshell, let's go and take a break while Pete goes and puts some clothes on. And when we come back, we'll do some of your emails because that, over the years, has become the custom. See you in a minute. It's the Luke and Pete show.

I am Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Luke Moore. And welcome after a short time of touristy genre. We are back and we are back with your emails. Luke, how can people get in touch and tell us about their lives? Just come up to us. Yeah. Tenderly get our attention by also observing can people get in touch and tell us about their lives you just come up to us um yeah get our attention by observe but by also observing social just by maybe doing a faint bird call when

you see us in the street like this and then we'll know it's you i've got a thing to say about doing a poo in a shower yeah we'll commit it to memory and we'll read it out on the show. If you don't want to do that, if you're much more of a bluff old traditionalist than that, you can email hello at lukeandpeachshow.com or you can find us on Twitter, which is at Luke and Peach Show. Indeed.

Oh, sorry, do you want me to carry on? I thought you were going to chip in then. Well, I was going to jump in with an email. Is that all right? Chip in, mate. Chip in, brother. Chip in, mate. My laptop's actually quite far away from me right now,

so I'm really straining to read this. Simon Mitchell. Hello, Simon, in Norwich. I've named you completely. Hopefully this email isn't going to suddenly go, don't read my name out. You asked about dogs, Luke and Pete. Mine is a C word.

Second day of lockdown, she tripped on a tennis ball and ruptured her cruciate ligament. Bangles my excuse to exercise. Simon in Norwich. I had no idea the dogs had cruciate ligaments that they could damage. Yeah, sure they have. I mean, it's a very... All right, Tappy.

Tapping away. I'm tapping away because I just typed in, how much to repair a dog's ACL? Probably punchy, you'd imagine. Oh, it's expensive, isn't it? It's expensive. When I go past our local vet surgery, when I go past it and I see all the improvements they're making,

the fact they've knocked through into the next building and they're making it big, and now they've got a show-off dog section and a cat section it makes me sick because i'm telling you now according to this website i'm looking at dogkneeinjury.com right dogkneeinjury.com for those who want to check it out to have a um dog's acl To be fair, this price does include four home visits post-operation and an initial physical therapy session, all anesthesia and pre- and post-operative x-rays, as well as the surgery itself. How much do you reckon it is in the city of New York, Peter?

City of New York, I would say a tidy 10 grand. 6,350 quid. Dollars, dollars. Look. Dollars. Look, I mean, yeah, that's not bad for me. I think my dad has been on a waiting list for a knee operation for about three years.

Get a vet to do it. Maybe that might be. Get a vet to do it. I'm sure it's roughly the same. I know the legs bend in a a different way but still that what drug cartels do because they don't want to be on the book so they have like a corrupt vet that does the operations for them nice enjoyable i think the um i think in many ways a lot of dog surgeries are more expensive than usual surgeries because as soon as that wound gets opened if it's a local

anesthetic, actually, that's probably why they send the dogs to sleep, don't they? Because if they open up the wound and the dog is awake and can see that there are bones inside his leg, he's going to go for it, isn't he? He's going to go, fucking hell, I had no idea I'd hit that bone there. Oh, my God, I'm full of them. I'm full of them. I'm full of them. I'm absolutely full of them. Yeah, it's an occupational hazard.

I was thinking as well that that's a blanket price, right? $6,350. If I'm going in there with a St Bernard, am I paying more than if I went in there with a Chihuahua? Yeah, well, you'd think that would be easier because the actual knee would be easier because it would be the the actual um knee would be bigger wouldn't it so you wouldn't need all of uh the the um magnifying glasses yeah zoom lenses yeah so in many ways actually it's going to be harder to fix a chihuahua's knee because it's

almost like microscopic yeah and if you bring in a in a San Bernardino, you might get tempted by the little rum around his neck. Yeah, that's true. And you don't want to do surgery drunk. So there's that as well. I bet at the end there's a little treat. I bet at the end, a little treat. I want $6,000 to get that thing up on the table. That's what I want.

I've got an email here from Luke. Actually, it's from someone else called Luke, who says, hi, guys, not a boarding school story. Of course, we were talking about boarding schools a while ago, but a weird teacher story nonetheless. At my secondary school in Leicester, we had a design and tech teacher who we all thought was the epitome of coolness. He'd climb on the roof to collect footballs and even built from scratch

and flew his own plane. That didn't happen. He's made that up. People do that. Do they? Yeah, they kick planes. I mean, I would not get in one, but yeah, they do that. Yeah, because planes are expensive, turns out.

Well, listen, we need to put a shout out to Pilot Neil. I'll tell you what, if Pilot Neil spent less time emailing and moaning and more time building his own plane, he wouldn't be grounded for so long. Anyway, Luke continues, one day, me and a few mates had an experience with him that stayed with me. We didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight

it was definitely problematic. Our school used to have a big hill on it, and we'd spend our lunch times occasionally using our bags to sledge down it in winter that is textbook behind the um behind the hill was a big patch of woodland and one day our teacher who i won't name came up to a few of us and accused us of in quotes harming the trees he said he'd be instructed by the head to find out who was damaging the trees by pulling off

branches and ripping off bark now this is a bit rich from a CDT teacher, who presumably works with wood all the time. Yeah. He's like a, yeah, he very much is the enemy of trees. Why is he suddenly defending them? He'll turn. He said, apparently, he then said to the kids, he'll need to smell all of our hands to see if he could smell the wood he then proceeded

to rub his nose on each of our hands and sniff loudly after he did this to each of us he decided we weren't the culprits and proceeded to leave us alone looking back this is perhaps the most bizarre thing i ever experienced at school genuinely don't know there was any tree related crimes committed or he just wanted to smell the hands of 13-year-old boys. Love the show. Cheers, Luke. Is that fair enough? I mean, that's taken a turn, but I'm thinking, yeah, maybe there is something sexual because there is no need

to smell people's hands to see if they have been pulling off bits of a tree. I can remember the absolute nadir of my teenage years was when um we were walking back from probably drinking in the park let's say it was almost certainly that and um one of my friends who i won't name um took the bin liner out of a dog bin and threw all the little plastic bags of dog shit all over the road right right terrible thing to do i'm not endorsing it did i think it was funny at the time yes actually probably anyway right that happened and we carried on walking whatever it's a stupid thing to do when you're a teenager it's not um you know it's not hardcore super sex lynn but it's not it's not ideal um anyway please pull up don't know because we're in a small town there's nothing else to do

and um they make us stand there and the police officer smelt all of our hands to see which one smelt the worst of dog shit and um that was probably the low point of my teenage years i would say i mean i would say that um a lot of the poo bags are perfumed, so it would be the perfume he'd be talking about. Not in the 90s, mate. No, well, you look at you even have bloody dog bin poops, dog bin bags, dog poo bin bags. I'm telling you now, dog poo bin bags were not perfumed in the 90s.

Nothing was perfumed in the 90s apart from adolescent skin. And if it was, it was Lynx Africa. It was brute. The smell of Lynx Africa. Brute aquedonic. Did you used to like Lynx Africa? Did you used to like Lynx when you were a kid? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I think I got involved with the Africas and the, what was the icy one? Was there an icy one? Yeah. I like Java. I used to like Java, you know that? Yeah. It's like, but I can't help but think of the programming language Java

or the monkey. JavaScript. Yeah. Indeed. Listen, anyone who's listening, if you've ever got in trouble with a dog bin, email in. Donaldson, you almost certainly have because you've, as you always with a dog bin uh email in donaldson you almost certainly have because you've as you always say got accessed in quotes to two dogs got access to

two dogs i um a couple of days ago i forgot the poo bags and um resorted to using a big leaf to pick up to pick up the excrement um i ran out of leaves luckily luckily the second dog had um wild diarrhea so even if I had a bag I wasn't picking that up so I just poured a bit of bottled water on it

and it went away did you say your life turned out as you expected it to I presumed it would be my own shit to be honest so if anything it's a upgrade I just don't know

what people are thinking mate when they walk past and see you doing that with a big leaf. A big lily pad. Yeah, it worked, though. It worked. I didn't get any of my hands on nothing.

What did you do with it? Put it in the dog bin? Just threw it in an old people's home. Very sustainable environmentally, though. I applaud you for that. I know, right? Yeah. Because what pisses me off is when people will just put the dog poo in a bag

and then leave the bag on the floor. It's like, well, you're not fucking doing it. You're making it worse because you've introduced a non-biodegradable element to this. Well, most of the bin bags are biodegradable, but obviously that's going to take a long time to break down. It's when people hang them on like... Trees. I presume they're coming back from them,

but they've forgotten where they've put the bicycles. It happens too often. They're doing it on purpose. Yeah, I presume they're coming back for them, but they've forgotten where they've put them. It happens too often. They're doing it on purpose. Yeah. I went for, I went for what you said in some woods and my God, like the rules of, you know, pooing on the street,

you know, you remember in the eighties, I was just dog poo everywhere. Like now in this woods, people just leaving big old dog turds everywhere. And I was kicking a football around, um, cause that's my business.

And yeah, it kept on rolling really near the dog poo. It was horrible. Yeah. I find dog poo quite depressing. I find it evocative of a simpler time. Of a time gone by. Look, I don't think, I think most people who've got their own podcast

would think about doing 15 to 20 minutes on dog poo and think that's a low percentage play for the listener. But you and I have proven that it can be done. And I think we can't follow it. We cannot follow it. So I think we should leave it there. Just pop the whole podcast. Leave it there.

Pop the podcast in a little biodegradable bag or a leaf and put it in the bin. Yeah. Where did you say you put it? In an old people's home. Don't do that. Throw it in an old people's home. And we'll come back on Thursday to see

if it's turned white. Apparently it was to do with the chalk percentages. We'll see you soon. Hello at localpgo.com to get in touch. I'm sorry, Pete, but that is the worst ending to any episode we've ever done. Well, we can always beat it for Thursday's show, can't we?

This was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.