The Luke and Pete Show - Leave the Tortoise Alone

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

Mr Donaldson's about to turn 45 and frankly Luke is shocked he made it this far. Before the big day, though, he’s off to WrestleMania in Vegas. Fingers crossed he runs into Kash Patel.Today’s show is an animal-heavy one, as Luke and Pete exchange stories about well-endowed donkeys and investigate recent happenings surrounding the world’s oldest land animal, Jonathan the Tortoise. The late, great Harambe gets a mention, too.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, good page, Shaw. We're back again on Thursday, the 16th of April. Ooh, it's my 45th birthday pretty soon. Yeah. That's a, that's a big milestone. That is a big milestone. There cannot be a human being alive that has met you that thought he'd made 45. What can I get out of this birthday?

What can I say to my partner, darling, I'm 45, I simply need that leg lengthening surgery I'm talking about. I tell you, I went down a rabbit hole watching some of those videos after you told me about that surgery. And it is fucking horrible. Don't get those legs, those leg lengthened legs caught in a rabbit hole. They'll snap, they're weak. I'm fully prepared to accept that as a tall man, I cannot empathize enough with the situation and that people are just going through a hell that I don't know about because they're short.

But I cannot believe for one moment that being like that is better than being short. I think they I think they're it's a bit You can't even run It's the but It's the but I think you probably can eventually But really

You're basically run like some kind of bad guy in Resident Evil Well yeah it's true They go too far You could I think you should just give yourselves a couple of inches Just don't go for the full fucking six seven inches Because you just It's all in your

It's all in your tibs and fibs isn't it Rather than actually having a It's just too long in one of the limbs. It's not right. You're perfectly fond as you are, Peter. I think the one thing you would probably like for your 45th birthday is a bit more space, a bit more time to yourself, maybe? A bit more space, bit more time to yourself.

To be fair, yeah, yeah, fine. I'd like to be able to tidy at the cabin, to be honest. I've filled an entire... That's depressing. I don't know, I think it is, really. I think it is just having a bit of time and space a bit of a bit of DIY, sort the garden out a bit. I just listen for some...

Have you seen it in Parks of Rec, where Leslie Knope gets Ron Swanson a birthday party and it turns out he's really worried about it because he hates birthday parties and it turns out what she's got him is she's booked out a whole big meeting room for him put on his favourite movie and he'd given him some scotch and a steak to eat and he has like an hour to himself

and he thinks it's the best birthday party ever. Yeah. Would that work for you? I think so, yeah. Just but I think I'll need like, I'll need everyone in my life to sort of say Pete, you don't have to think about anything for a little while. Because my job isn't stressful or in any way hard work.

But with our jobs, there's always something to do, isn't there? There's always something to do. And I find that very cloying. Find that very problematic for my old bonts. So I just need everyone to sort of go, it's fine. Peter, it's fine. Well, I can do it at any time you ask me to, Pete. That's not a hardship for me.

Yeah, I don't believe you, though. It's a lack of belief. Real change has to come from within though, Peter, doesn't it? I know, it's not your fault, is it? It's not your fault for crying out, man. You invite some of that pressure on you. Speaking of Ron Swanson, by the way, he one of the greatest TV restaurant orders ever is when he says to the waiter.

When the waiter asks him what he wants, he says, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. And he says, and by the way, before you go away, you might be confusing that with me saying, I want a lot of bacon and eggs. No, no, no, no. Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Isn't it another one he orders?

Give me an animal and the thing the animal eats. Do you know what I mean? No, he's why you give me food, my food eats? Yeah. Yes, why you give me food, eat? Nice. I know what I'm about, son. Anyway, how have you been, Peter?

What's been going on this week? I mean, Monday, we went on a real deep dive into all the earthly delights of child murderers and prison drugs. So what's happening today? I don't know. What have I been doing? I've mainly been... Got a WrestleMania trip next week.

So obviously... Oh, lovely. Preping some pre-records for that. Texas? No, it's back to Vegas, unfortunately. They put it in Vegas again, Luke. And I don't care for that place. Have you ever been?

I haven't. I'd like to go. Donald Trump probably be there, will he? Find the time, will he? No, I don't think he really attends. sporting events anymore, does he? I don't think he's kind of,

I think he knows that he gets absolutely done over. Yeah. You still go there. Maybe Cash Patel. Maybe Cash Patel running. I show speed and Cash Patel.

In his FBI branded trainers that he designed. In his FBI branded trainers. My goodness, you've got, you know, it's probably with Christy Norm and him and people like that,

less so Pambondi, but like people like that, you know, Hexeth as well, you know for a fact, you're, because, you know, Donald Trump, for all that, it's not going to be the Donald Trump of 2016. He's not going to be, you know, hiring, firing all the way through his tenure.

He's going to try and do this properly, you know, like cash in the tail, just do it properly and try and, you know, not have so many firings in his, in his tenure. With them, you do sort of go, that's why they're doing all this stuff, because they know they've got like a year, year and a half, and then they always get shit canned. So you may as well just get everything. get those Faberjigs in the carrier bag and get at all.

It's quickly as you can. It's like proper like fall of democracy stuff, isn't it? It is. Just grab everything. Make your weird FBI shoes. Yeah. And get as many jackets as you can

because you know for a fact some sickos like me will buy them on eBay afterwards. This is Cash Patel's, you know, 32 inch chest, FBI, jumper that he made. Charles, Charles.

Charles's nice, fucking black jacket, yeah. This is Marco Rubio's big shoe. Who like, I'll buy that. Brilliant. What did you make of Christy Noem's, husband's, fake tits? I mean, they'll go, they'll go. I mean, just, you know, like, it's like when you buy vinyl by the yard, you know. It's like buying books for it by the yard.

Those, those tinnies are massive. Like, just by weight, they'll be an atrocious amount of money to buy. To shit. What do you make of them? I think they might be wearing him, you know, rather than him wearing them. I think it's, you're right. Yeah. I think it's one of those.

I think everyone's, I think a lot of, like, you know, left-leaning or certainly Democrat-leaning, you know, political guys, are having their cake and eating it. Because they're all about, you know, don't kink shame and stuff. But then they're sort of going, well, you know, him doing this would mean that he's actually a bit of, you know, doing all the only fans, you know, $25 an hour kind of stuff. That's actually a security risk.

I'm going, yeah, is he really going to be talking about secrets Sorry, you're going to go, look at my big jugs. Big old, big old. Stop talking about my wife's job. Big old, bang, bang, bang. Big old busters, aren't they? Big old busters. Good on him. Go let him, let him have some fun.

Is it unfair of me to say? Not a happy home life. He's fucking killing, he's fucking dead dogs all over the fucking place. Mrs. his fucking, what's his name? Jeez, oh. Oh, yeah. But Peter, is it unfair of me to say that that was, that photo of him with those big jugs was a bit Pete Donald's Energy.

Yeah, and the dog looking around the dog going, fucking hell. I've been caught, I'm part of this now. Brilliant. Cheers. Titty daddy. Why didn't we think to put a big pair of fake busters on you when you were Richard Keys? That would have made it funny. I don't know. I think they're very aggressive. Like it or not, they're very aggressive. You were smearing Nutella in the gusset of the law.

white pants. So what's wrong with having the big fair of fake tiddies on them? I don't know, yeah. It's a strange one. But yeah, what are you like, I like the bimbals. I like the, you know, inhabit in another world. In video games and things and films. What are you getting out of that?

Give your boob, go and look at my big boobies. And you're talking to a woman who's also got boobies. So it's kind of a bit of a busman's holiday for it. Julie. I don't get it. I don't get it is what it is. I don't think it's for you to get it, is it? I think people just like what they like. But that guy used to rub bread around the toilet. Yeah, yeah. People just like what they like. Horses for horses, isn't it? Good on them.

Horses can't be involved. Horses can't be involved. They can't be involved. We shouldn't let horses be involved. Speaking of animals, though. I saw a donkey recently with a massive penis and then a re-click for me that that's why they call it hung like a donkey. Right. Yeah. Okay. That penny's dropped, has it? Yeah, well, I just thought

that donkeys got a needlessly lad. Because they're small, yeah, but they're smaller horses, aren't they? Horses should have a good old, good old wanger. Especially the way that they have sex is quite difficult. And horses, mayors have got a big old ass. So you've got to kind of get past that, haven't you, I suppose? But like, functionally don't... What are you doing?

What are you doing? Donkeys don't need to be proportionally that large. I don't think anyway. So I told him off. I said greedy, slapped it, ran off. As Sun Tzu said, never interrupt your enemy when he's making the mistake. As low as I have to talk at this point. Is there anything else you like to add on that?

No, no. I was at the Lambeth Country Show once, and are you aware of what the Lambeth Country Show is? Yeah, it's John Lewis on grass. Yeah, kind of. Kind of. But it's more, yeah, kind of. of it's got a bit of that about it but anyway it's actually we used to go every year because it's free for people in lambeth and you know it's a nice summer event they've actually

cancelled it now because of cutbacks which is really sad I don't really know what my councillors going on these days but there we go yeah I mean that could they not just charge everyone to sort of get in it was very popular oh my mates who lived in like her and hill used to go I believe that it's um I believe it's something to do with the amount of pressure that Brockwell Park is under because the sheer amount of events they have So now they have like a festival every weekend they're in through the sun, and it's ruining it, apparently. I think when wireless is on, when Kanye's not doing it.

They've cancelled wireless. That's a free weekend for Hyde Park. Do it in there. It's not in High Park, is it, anymore? It's not been for years, Grandad. I don't know. It's in Wieless then. It's in Finsbury Park now, isn't it?

Bruno, it's in Finnsry Park, I think it is. It used to be in High Park. We went as 02. No way. Is wireless in Finnsry Park now? Yeah, because it was in High Park when we were at XFM, right? Yeah, I used to get loads of, loads of freebies.

I used to have to go down there and have and have like free tickets and people used to sort of, you used to call it indie fishing. People would, I'd cast my rod out and people would come over and I'd give them the tickets. Well then I think what happened, Peter, and I'm not just my theory. I think the people who run Hyde Park, whoever they are, London

parks or whatever, city of London, whoever it is, they probably saw there's a lot of money to be made there. So they started doing their own one, which is British summertime. Oh, is that what that is, right? Sorry, okay. Right. Is O2 still involved in the wireless?

Not sure. I don't know. Not important, is it? Sorry, Lou. It's okay. It doesn't matter. The Lambeth Country Show. The Lambeth Country Show...

Allow me to wrestle this back to Donkey Dix, quite literally. At the Lambeth Country Show, there is a portion of it, which is like a... They bring working farmers up, and they showcase the animals and stuff. And they teach, like, city folk, how to herd sheep and all that kind of shit. Yeah. And there was a lot of donkey rides. Right. At one year.

And I remember there was a donkey there that had a cock that was so big. I actively remember the woman walking the donkey over to the other side of the paddock. I don't think it should be. It was making a scene. People were making the scene. There's a lot of IPA dads there uploading to the gram, you know. It's not the spirit of the event. Put some trousers on it.

Just strap it to the, I don't know, into a different colour. Do you get IPA dads where you are? Yeah. Yeah, you do. What, in our company? No, I just mean when you go to the playground of your kid, and there's like, you know, just a couple of dads with baseball caps on.

And there's tote bags. And they're talking about how much I love the Screen Rock Podcast. And, yeah, try. I like, I like Screen Rock Podcast. You've got a real problem with Screen Rock Podcast. No, I don't. I like Jake. You like it.

You like it, but you see it as a indicative of a wind problem. In the Manosphere. I think that's really unfair. I don't know. Which one don't you like then? Which five podcasts don't you like that's not the screen rock podcast? I forget now. Which one?

What do you mean? I can't remember one of them. One of those ones. Anyway, sorry to the good people of screen rock. Yeah, don't do me dirty to the lads. I like, I don't know Jacob. Don't slap a donkey dick of lies on my face. I just think that there's a certain type of dad which annoys me.

and they tend to be of that type. Right. Do they dress like you and look like you? Unfortunately. I don't, I look really foolish in baseball caps, so I don't really tend to wear baseball caps. And I don't drink IPA,

but they probably are like me. They're probably Luke coded, yes. Luke corded, yeah. Yeah, there's a little bit of that action going on. It's merely like, you know, they're Padel dads, aren't they? Paddle. Yeah, there's a bit of that.

Pedal dads. But they're trendier than Paddle. They're kind of like, um, they'll be, they'll be, they were really aggressively turned up jeans. Okay, fair. Yeah, and I actually met a dad for the first time. That's great to meet a new dad who you like.

And they was a guy in his 40s, decent type, worked in the city, liked boxing. And I was like, okay, right, I could get on with this guy. He probably thought I was a bell end. But I was really happy to chat to him because he wasn't way younger than me and trendier. And I just feel like sometimes those types of dads, they don't want to be dad. They just want to be chatting to their pals and being seen. They're not getting involved, you know. It's a shame, I think.

At the heart of it, it's a shame. The, well, yeah, I had my daughter's third birthday at some, some soft play area around the corner. And we had a lot of, you know, families descendingly, you know, parents of kids that were arriving. And the, there was one dad-elect who was a truck driver. Oh, great. That's great. He spoke out truck driver. And he's just got a new.

truck and they don't even have got all the mod cons don't even have wing mirrors anymore just cameras just fucking cameras it's amazing absolutely amazing I would I cannot tell you how much I would love to meet a dad at a party that was a truck driver I'd be great I recommended Euro a truck simulator to him but then I remembered that

that would be a bit of a busman's on that yeah it's the last thing he needs that in fact that's the meaning to his profession even saying that you play it why I just I've just sending the old fertiliser at Birmingham. Straight from the

Strait of Hummus to Birmingham. That's what I was doing. Straight of four moves. It's an amazing latest chapter in the experts of Twitter universe, isn't it? Yeah, straight of Hommuz. It was COVID. It was American politics.

It was Brexit. It was trade deals. I like it when they sort of come up, when the disruptors and the outside the box thinkers sort of come up with a new plan that no one's ever thought of and they sort of say, well, look, see this bit of harm, it's just near the street of home movies and in a different country that's not Iran, just drive the trucks of oil across here.

Saudi Arabia, yeah. Do you know how big a fucking tanker is? Do you know how many trucks that would take? You'd use more oil getting across. You'd use more oil doing that. Yeah. Those tankers don't play, do they, Peter? They don't play, mate.

They're pretty girthy boys. They're pretty capacious, mate. It's like my, it's like a sports direct mug, I'll tell you what. Speaking of animals, specifically donkey dicks, I did want to bring this here. Did you see this, um, see the world's oldest land animal, Jonathan the tortoise? You know about him? No, no, no, no, no, no. So Jonathan, the giant tortoise.

Guess how old he is? I think it's like 140, can't they? 140, 150? I'll tell us. 193 is. And a lot of people mistakenly think that he lives on the Galapagos Islands, but he doesn't.

No. He lives on the island. Right. Is he in a zoo, presumably? Or is he just sort of... I think, I'm not really sure. I think it's like more of a kind of sanctuary type thing. Right.

So he has a free range. Free reign and free range. St. Helena is a fascinating place. I used to work with a lady from St. Helena. And it's genuinely right in the middle of nowhere. It's crazy. And it's genuinely bad at Excel.

And it's genuinely bad at making teas. She lived in Portsmouth. She was from St Helena. Someone said she's got out the frying pan straight into the fire. One island to another. But she, but anyway, the point being that it was being reported last week that Jonathan, the giant tortoise,

had died. and so everyone was talking about it and then it turned out after that that the reason that news was being reported is because a crypto scammer was asking for crypto donations in the memory of Jonathan the Giant Tortoise and Jonathan the Giant Tortors was very much alive.

Oh, okay. So they pretended to be the account that supports Jonathan the Giant Tartas I mean, I guess for like people, I reckon what you need to find is like an animal that is really old and you want to support it in its later life or even like for a funeral or whatever. So what we need to find, like what's like a famous animal from the monkey? We could say that that monkey, Spunk, whatever's his fucking name was, the Chinese, the Japanese monkey that had no friends.

Punch, that's his name. Where Spunk come from? Spunk, the monkey. monkey. I was being bawdy for effect. Spunky the monkey. Yeah, Punch the monkey. We could just say that he died and got to give some crypto for a casket shaped like an orangutan.

A fluffy orangutan, a fluffy. No, but he had a fluffy orangutan with him, didn't he? That was his toy. That was his coping mechanism. That was his support animal, so to speak. That story kind of passed me by, really. How do you feel about that story now, Peter? I don't mind it.

I think people are a little bit... I think people flocked. Harambe went big for a while. It was, yeah. I think people flocked to that Japanese zoo and realised that Japanese zoos are not nice. Not as nice as Western ones.

Do you remember? Did you remember Dicks out for Harambe? Do you remember that? I remember Dicks out of Hirambay. It became a bit of a four-trans sort of thing, didn't it? The old Harambe thing. It came a bit...

Because Harambe was shot because a boy fell into his enclosure, right? Yeah. And he was, and he was, and he was, wasn't he guarding it or beating the shit out of it or something? He was not. He was not like that kid in the 80s that was protected by the rest of the guerrillas. He was just fucking brain fucking to this kid. Where's that come from? I think he was praying fuck into the kid.

He was like grabbing the kid around. Was he dragging him around and stuff? He was dragging him around. He's having a right old laugh. Come on, mate. Yeah. Let's go. I'm looking at it now.

Apparently several primals. Chlamatologists and conservationists wrote that the zoo had no other choice under the circumstances than to shoot Harambe. Yeah, completely agree. Could they not have won it? Wung it? Wanged it, winged it? Yes, I believe the boy survived. Okay. It poses an interesting philosophical question about the value of life, doesn't it?

It does, but I mean, I think the kid was... How are you falling into that? How does that even happen? They're pretty open. Basically, a lot of those enclosed are relying on the fact that, you know, they can't jump up kind of like quite steep. Well, the Bristol Zoo one has got a massive moat around it. Yeah. And like an electric fence bit on each bank inside the bank of the moat.

Yeah. So you can see there's nothing really blocking. Doing it. Yeah. No. But the, because Jock in Bristol, I mean, Bristol's, I think is closed now, but Jock was the alpha silver back at Bristol Zoo. and he used to come out every time at the same time

and hold his hand out and the zoo keep would throw him a cabbage and he'd eat it and then after he'd finished eating it and only then did the other grillers come out nice what a guy what a dude and they got those massive crowns in their head

which is like excess jaw muscle isn't it because they're vegetarian's grillers yeah I think it's isn't it just a calcified kind of like I think when you It's from Ender's chewing apparently I've spoken before yeah the what I would say is with this the giant

Tortors who is 193 years old. Those two lads, if they can travel with a criminal record to wherever they were, St. Helena, wherever. It would be those two lads who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree. This could be their fucking Sistine Chapel, stomping this tortoise to death. That would be... Come on, Pete.

Bruno is absolutely beside himself hearing you say that. He just rolled his eyes and like... I'm big exhale. He's next. I'm just saying that, like, they show. shocked the UK with an absolutely selfish bit of horrific vandalism. How's you feel about the same? What gap felling? Didn't really have that much of a handle on it before we heard about it.

Now it's a big deal. They never really, you know, and I'm from that part of the country, one would suggest. You know, I thought you'd be pissed off about it. Yeah, it wasn't really sort of, if you're not down, I don't know, the Angel of the North or something, or like the Tyne Bridge. I mean, that's more of a, that's more of a statement, isn't it? but I don't recall ever hearing about it. If you, I don't know,

pissed off the high force and low force waterfalls near Hartlepool, I'd be furious. If you poured green food colouring into that, I'd be furious, naturally. But the Sycamore Gap tree is not something that I ever sort of saw, thought of. So what I'm saying is these lads, if they want to really, like, you know,

spit in the face of the Lord and upset everybody, kill that to us. Come on, lads. This could be your... This could be your crowning glory killing a 193-year-old giant dollars. The world's all-land animal.

What I am going to say? Booting its head off. Crap! Oh, you get shanked in prison for that. You would get shanked in prison for that. Do you know what prison term, Daniel Graham and Adam Carruthers, who failed the Sicker Moore Gaptree,

were sentenced to? Oh, I reckon they probably got a lot more than they were... you would get if you felled any other tree. We'll have a guess. I reckon the younger one probably got a suspended sentence and the older one probably got two years. They've both got four years, three months.

That's a bit of... Spicy that. That's a bit of... That's a Shemar Mugam, that is? That's a disgrace. I mean, it's not a Shemar Begham, is it? That's political. That is, that's disgusting.

I don't want to live in a country like that. One of the guys is like, they're both of eight. Peter yeah all right fine the younger one what what's the younger one 39 and 32 though I mean they'd look very they look fucking they thought it was like I thought it was like the Washington sniper no I mean I would just say I was like 16 or so I would just say I hate to kick a man when he's down and currently serving bird but I mean right this is a ripe 39 year old this I mean this is it this is paper around in Baghdad

stuff this I think the guy I reckon the guy looks he looks not a shade under 55. It's the north. That's what we all look like. I'm a hotie up there. I'll tell you what. That's simply too far. So, and also,

they both look like a pair of absolute wrong ones. And the funny thing about it is, if there is a funny thing about it, one of them felled it with a chainsaw. Yeah. And so that's the noisiest thing you can use. The second one filmed it. Yeah.

Great. Not what I described the perfect crime. it? Didn't they didn't they, wasn't somebody, they didn't actually film it.

They had like sort of infrared kind of like far in the distance kind of, uh, like webcam footage of the thing going down.

But then they also, I think the lad who filmed it wasn't actually filmed the tree felling itself, but you could hear a chainsaw absolutely going for it in the background when he's, you know,

talking. Like, well, it's kind of an opening case really, isn't it? You know, it's geo,

um, it's geo located to this sycamore gap bit and probably what three words? Yeah, are in the background. Probably what three words it? I wonder what three words is Sycamore Gap? What three words? The judge deemed it a quote moronic mission.

Moronic mission! That's all right. That'll do. Yeah. Bulky nightlife indulges. Come on! What is it? Bulky nightlife indulges is the sycamore gap. I mean that is it. It was a nightlife indulgence, wasn't it? And it was bulky. To carry home. Yeah. Exactly.

I think we've got it hit upon the sea. secret of the universe here. I know. Where's your... Yeah. They also, by the way, the two lads, they also fell out, apparently. They were friends and they fell out after.

After that? Do you want them to sell out the other one? I don't know, but I think I think it's... I've approached the pressure of it just really damaged their friendship, I suppose. It would do. Like, if you...

I mean, I don't feel... I don't feel like they're avid news readers, but... They possibly... They possibly wouldn't know how many... they possibly wouldn't know how many, how much of a problem it was, I would say.

But they probably wouldn't know what a shocking thing it was. Well, they planned it and did it? To cause as much outrage as possible. Are you trying to get into the ballpark of suggesting that like if you were, say, 15 or 16, it might be something you would do just to be outrageous? Yeah, I think it's one of those things that it's like, I think if you're a lot younger,

you'd probably get away with the bit of not doing any birds and sort of saying, well, look, it's, we didn't understand. the, it's the, it's the, it's the goalkeeper who did the Hitler salute stuff. I am too stupid to understand who Hitler was. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's the Wayne Hennessy

defense in many ways. I can remember people when I was growing up, they're pulling walls over you know, putting shot windows in, just mindless stuff. Yeah. Which when you look back on it now, it's like, that's actually pretty horrible. Like if you were, if you were to steal something from like a big supermarket or something, I mean, that's kind of,

I can't really get too exercised about that but like no target in like a local family run business or a family's property or whatever it's just an awful thing to do and I think this definitely falls under that kind of um bracket that kind of category I would say yeah but anyway listen Jonathan the giant

tortoise going back to him one thing you have to say about Jonathan is he it's incredible the amount of generations of royal families he's met he's met every every monarch oh me yeah he's met every monarch going way back.

Even the problematic ones? Oh, well, I think George the 6th is one of them. Who, um, yeah, the reluctant king. You know, as they call him. Yeah. You know, so there we go. Anyway, let's get out of here, Peter. Would you like to know.

What are you about to say? We can say on Monday. All right, okay. I'll start the next show with it. Okay, that's a promise, is it? Okay. I don't know what's going to be, so you can say whatever you want, but I believe you. Exactly.

All right. We'll be back on Monday. Look after yourselves. Hello, Link, Link, Pete. is the way to get involved and get to get in touch. Rory, slinging ad break somewhere in there. We'll see you there. Rory. It's called you Rory.

Not Rory. Brumor. Brumor. Brumor. Oh, God. The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.