The Luke and Pete Show - Make your Monday one to remember

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Erotic fiction. That’s how Pete decides to start today’s episode. Amazingly, things only get more explicit from there.We then accidentally create a new slogan for the Luke and Pete Show (thankfully that is less explicit) and Pete reveals how he plans to celebrate the King's coronation.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshowWe're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete Show, I'm Pete Donaldson, I'm joined by Luke Emo, it's a Monday. Luke, I have just opened my Google Drive to find not only the Luke and Pete Show running order for Monday the 24th of April, but also a random file that was in the back end of my Google Drive. It's all erotic fiction. Oh, my God. It's a document that just has a load of erotic fiction in it. What was I doing with that? Is this a My Dad Wrote a Porno joke? Well, I think an AI has been in my Google Drive.

What's that, Pete's Dad Wrote a Porno as well? I can just find, like, it's just like a 51-page erotic novel. And I don't... It was downloaded about five years ago, Snowbound Lovers. One of the main characters called him. They're called Peter Luke. I i'm switching off i don't know it's an absolute state whatever it is but it's just got a picture of a tree and there's just a lot of like and then they did this and then it's just very confusing five years ago

so that would be 2018 yeah it could it could be some kind of preparation for live shows maybe i would very much hope that my partner would accept that um particular uh there's nothing wrong reading a bit of erotic fiction if that's what you want to do peter quite right actually yeah that's not that's not erotic fiction shame on this show you know some some would say this whole show is erotic fiction between you and i yeah i remember my dad used to have along with the hidden vhs's in a in a metal locked box upstairs he on on on shore he had quite a a couple of uh quite spicy victorian uh numbers victorian literature right that was um that that used um that all i can remember from it i remember it being quite spicy stuff for a teenage Peter Dawson, and I remember they would use the word, my sex rather than my penis.

You know what I mean? Right. They'd sort of talk about someone's sex being their genitalia, so to speak. So I like the idea of that. Do you want to elaborate on that? Not really. I mean, it's just a bit of Victorian fiction. Were you too scared to read it?

No, I read every last page and enjoyed every last one of them. And then that was the gateway drug into the locked metal box upstairs, was it? Exactly. Exactly, yeah. It was always...

I realise that we do talk about this a fair amount. I know I promised on Thursday we'd talk about Tic Tacs, which we will because I've got nothing to say on Tic Tacs

and I imagine Pete's got a lot to say. They do fit down your urethra. Nature's best dispenser. Nature's Pez dispenser is horrific. Yeah. That is horrific, Pete. That's horrific.

It's good stuff. There was a guy on Twitter a while back. Is that Pluto? Nope. Is that Disney Pluto? Is that Snoopy? There was a guy on twitter i mean just brace yourself for this this isn't really my usual content but brace yourself for this it just

reminded me of it and that's what a luke and peach show is all about um these threads that just carry on going where they go um there was a guy on twitter who was obviously some kind of practitioner of sticking things down the old chat for sexual gratification, right? Yeah, right. You still with me? I think it's called, not trepanning, that's the head. It does involve a head, I suppose, and something going in it.

What is it called? It's called... Dowling? Dowzing? Dowling? That's when you're looking for water. I think it's, well, it's a good place to look. I've just looked it up. It's called sounding. Sounding! That's the one, yeah. I think it's down. Well, it's a good place to look. I've just looked it up. It's called Sounding. Sounding.

That's the one, yeah. It's like a practice. Anyway, so this guy was traveling with this kit. Right. I guess he was some kind of sex worker, basically, I guess. That was like his thing. And he posted, this is completely impromptu, so I won't be able to find it,

but you can look it up, I'm sure. He posted a series, a Twitter thread of him getting stopped by a border security guard in the US and having his stuff searched because they obviously didn't know what it was, and it came up on the x-ray machine, and they had to explain it to them. Yeah. And I don't think they were that into it. It's just like, oh, good God.

I mean, it's just like the picture of the rods, so to speak. And I think, was there other ones with like a flayed one at the end? Yeah, it's not for me. It's not for me. It's like, what are you getting out of that? I mean, I guess presumably they'd be like silver-plated to reduce infections and stuff like that. I mean, it looked like a professional kit,

has to be said. Oh, you saw the kit? Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, it was disgusting. Absolutely. Because you know where it's been. It's such an inert metal kind of aluminium kind of sticks that it's just absolutely right.

But we should be a safe space for people. We shouldn't be judgmental of this stuff. If that's what people want to do, that's up to them. There's a lot of middle-aged, white, straight men around who just judge people all the time. So let's not judge anyone. It was of interest. It's not for me personally, but it was very interesting.

Anyway, so the point I was actually going to make, going back to your dad's own lockdown. Listen, there's nothing to suggest that Pete Donaldson's father is involved in this practice. Was putting rods down his peepee. What we do know is if he was, he'd at the very least be making them himself. He would.

He'd be machining themself on a metal lathe. And there's an honesty to that. There is an honesty to that. There's a quiet dignity about that. You know, the British craftsmanship, that's what it's all about. My dad made his own Are we getting Brexit done or not? Because I'll tell you something now, if they had put on the

Brexit posters freedom to machine engineer your own stainless steel sounding kits, I probably would have thought twice about where I'd cast my vote. But, going back to Pete's dad's locked metal case. That's what they call I've probably thought twice about where I'll cast my vote but going back to Pete's dad's locked metal case

that's what they call the act of putting it down there I'm casting my vote down my hanging chad yeah that's a great call back the hanging chad I guess it's in the memory

because you think of the voting machines that, the voting machines company that tried to sue, that did sue, well, successfully got a shit ton of money out of Fox News. A lot of money, a lot of cash. That was, so that is interesting because they obviously originally sued, Dominion Voting Systems originally sued sued fox news for 1.6 billion dollars right and fox news paid them up almost 800 million i think which is obviously if that is a fucking bad that the office even even for them that i mean for even for fox who own so much

money yeah but the problem is like depressingly enough pete there's a two facts that make it a little bit less exciting one is that they've apparently got four billion in cash reserves right yeah just really dear funds right yeah their income turnover is 1.4 billion dollars a year i think right so yeah but i mean that's not profit though is it you gotta look at no no it's not but i mean the same point is it like it's about it's about. But I mean, the same point is that it's about perspective. I think they could probably find a bank to lend them some money. No company, whoever they are, is going, I'm happy to write off 800 million. No one's doing that. So I get that. But at the same time, what would have been, from a philosophical point of view,

what would have been the more powerful thing would have been for, if you look at the list of people that were lined up to testify, that all being out in the open would have been for, if you look at the list of people that were lined up to testify, that all being out in the open would have been far better for democracy than what actually happened. And I understand why Dominion did it and I totally get it, but I was disappointed they settled

because, mate, honestly, the list of people who would testify was a mile long and it was full of really famous people who would have had to have gone up on the witness stand and said publicly and it would have been reported around the world i am full of fucking shit this is absolute bullshit i said it i said it for this reason but it is nonsense and that would have been far more powerful for the situation we all find

ourselves in due to this fucking nonsense rather than just chuck a lot of money at the problem because now they'll be emboldened by that they can say we can throw money in it and it'll just go away now the only caveat to that is there is another lawsuit pending um with another company whose name escapes me around the same kind of thing and the early reports are they're they're less keen to settle so yeah right it'll be... What's kind of interesting... If you've got a business thought, Luke, I mean, surely you just want money. That is your plan, to make money and to retire.

And so... Well, yeah. Anyone who's seen Succession... Do you care about the future of the world? Anyone who sees Succession is like, you know, they always do stuff where they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not about the money, it's about the principle, but what's your fucking price?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's fine. You don't care about money. You're not money motivated. The amount of people we've worked with, Peter, are very lower level than this. The ones who spend all their time specifically telling you they don't care about the money

are the ones who are always fucking asking about money. So, of course, it's always about that. But it would have been... I'm not saying dominion voting systems have a responsibility morally to fucking serve the world generally i don't i'm not saying that i'm just saying personally i was disappointed although it was quite interesting how they did it like it was basically the morning of the trial and then the two lead um um two lead lawyers went out didn't they and started chatting and they were gone for like two hours no one that

was happening and they came back and said right trial's off if I was in that jury I'd be fuming absolutely fuming yeah that's my day in I've had my hair cut for this anyway

I've been diverted away from your dad's locked metal VHS porno box can you please tell me because back in the day you know back in the day

it was exciting to find pornos we've talked about that so exciting yeah if you were 14 and you saw one in the hedge it made you feel a bit sick in the day you know back in the day it was exciting to find pornos we talked about that yeah if you're 14 and you saw one in the head you feel a bit sick in the stomach yeah you feel a bit oh god oh such power yeah i've been so much trouble if someone knew i had this did you ever unlock it yeah definitely this key was behind the fucking door was it like an indiana jones it was it was like i had the day off school. Good God.

I mean, there's something quite uncomfortable about finding your dad's pornography because, you know, we spoke about it before. Your dad knows you've seen it. You know you've seen it.

How does your dad know you've seen it, though? I mean, I presume he's got favourite bits. Favourite bits he had. I don't know. He's not going to know

you've seen it, is he? Well, I mean, who's it going to be? I mean, my mum would tell him, and my sister would probably say something. I'm the only one who would go, let's keep this between us, Stewie.

How do they know? Because a tape, you sort of like, backwards and forwards, isn't it? You're never going to get it in the same position that it was in before. You know, you've got to, you'd know that it'd been messed with yeah yeah yeah it's fraught with danger it is fraught with danger it really is so um

you see there was never a there was never a kind of um an awkward exchange of frank conversation no it was just in many ways if your dad had like a locked metal case yeah and you found the key to it, and you opened it, and it was secret, and the only thing you found was VHS, VHSes of Commonwealth Guide and Pornfield. Knowing the Donaldsons, that is an absolute... Yeah, it's not bad. Take that all day long.

I'm going to take that all day long, yeah. Yeah, you don't want to go anywhere darker than that. No. Pete, I don't think there's any other podcast in the land that would do the Fox Dominion lawsuit sounding Dad's BHS pornos and Tic Tacs in one half. We've done it. They said it couldn't be done.

It has been done. When we come back out of this break, I just want to quiz Pete a bit more on Tic Tacs because I've got a few questions. So stick around for that and finish this episode and make your Monday one to remember is what I would say wow is that a tagline I like that a lot that is the sound of the Luke and Pete Shaw cannon blasting out some more missives from the Luke and Pete Shaw front lines

and I am happy to say that I've forgotten the tagline Luke what was the tagline you said before it only works for 50% of our output

which is make your Monday one to remember make your Monday one to remember and then on Thursday we'll do make your Thursday

one to remember open bracket because we can't remember a fucking thing close bracket right good write that down Write that down. Write that down, Rory.

Rory, write that down, mate. That's our new tagline. Thank you. So, Peter, on the Tic Tac front, just a couple of little bits from me. One is that

I only ever remember two flavours of Tic Tacs. One is the straight mint ones, the little white pellets. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other one

is the green and yellow kind of were they lime and orange or something i think they were lemon and lime luke right and i didn't know this but tic tacs are actually italian oh are they that's i thought they were american that's very interesting fantastic good stuff yeah and um and 45 percent of the world's tic tacs are actually manufactured by an Italian company in the beautiful town of Cork in the Republic of Ireland. That's all over the place. How very European. Very enjoyable.

Yeah, and so what's your kind of story with Tic Tacs? You said very passionately on Thursday. I wouldn't have brought this up unless you said it so passionately on Thursday. You eat Tic Tacs every week. You're a big fan of them. I've never really seen you in flagrante, if you like, with eat Tic Tacs every week. You're a big fan of them. I've never really seen you in flagrante, if you like, with a Tic Tac,

but I'd love to hear more about your journey, personal journey with them. I'm just constantly, they're always at the garage. How much are you paying for a box of them? A counter.

I think they're probably about 99p per box. And it's just the different kind of flavours you can get i mean i must admit um off the top of my head i can't remember anything apart from the coca-cola the cherry cola ones but uh different flavors so i'll give you a list of them if you like yeah yes please um so there's there's a they've done a load of stuff um through over the years um so in the 1990s they did um double packs we'd have two different flavors inside tangerine and lime as i said was what i remember over the years. So in the 1990s, they did double packs,

but you'd have two different flavors inside. Tangerine and lime, as I said, was what I remember. Right, yeah. Orange and grape and berry and cherry. In 2006, they introduced a bold edition with more intense flavors of mint and fruit. And in 2008, they introduced Tic Tac Chill, which is a slightly larger than ordinary size and comes with two hinges on the lid

so you can slide it across and have your different flavours. Now, the Coca-Cola flavour is listed on this, I think I've got in front of me, as a limited edition. But I have to say, I thought you said this on Thursday and I was bloody enjoying it.

They do actually have Coca-Cola printed on each one of them. Yeah, and also they do have a, They do actually have Coca-Cola printed on each one of them. Yeah, and also they do have a Coca-Cola flavour, which is just Cola flavoured, but then they've got their own it's called mixers. Cherry plus Cola, meaning Cherry Cola, effectively.

So, along with Fruit Adventure, which sounds great, and Strawberry Mix, you can go on Amazon and you can buy an entire sort of like selection box of Tic Tacs. I mean, that would make you, if you ate all them,

you would shit your pants. Listen, let me play the role of the particular part of your brain that you've got that makes you make really bad decisions and say you should be buying that. I just need to put one of each in a bowl and just try and mix it together and make it,

you know, I just want to know what a Tic Tac that has all the flavours in tastes like. If you, what you should do is get a load of couples from your local area over for a dinner party. Couples in my area? Have a big bowl in the middle but instead of car keys put all the tic tacs in there just a lot of tic tacs lovely stuff i've i had a uh a sit down um summit with um all of my neighbors um it was about what seven different couples uh why in in in well

because you're diy no not because of my diy, the fire engine was around a couple of nights ago because a bin exploded. I don't know why, compost or something. Your DIY again? DIY again. And it wasn't my bin. And we are... You're wandering around the street going, how on earth has that exploded?

It definitely wasn't me. I didn't drop off a load of lithium-ion batteries that I'd stabbed. I didn't do that. Thank goodness I was in the pub, literally miles away at the time. Oh, dear. So you're having a summit with your neighbours.

Whose table was it? It was Damien of the Roads. I had a chat about we're going to have another party, another street party for the coronation for some fucking reason. I heard a really terrible stat about that actually. What? I heard that under 300 people, or 300 streets, sorry, have applied for permission, which I think is

a fraction of the number that want to do it for the old Queenie. Nice. I like that. That's a lovely little fact. I guess you do have to kind of apply, because you've got to close the street off. I mean, I guess people will do illegal ones where they haven't closed the street off, but you do have to request. You've got to get bollards up because you've got to close the street off. I mean, I guess people will do illegal ones where they haven't closed the street off, but you do have to request. You've got to get bollards up.

You've got to do this and that. So we're one of the 300. Yeah, so can I just briefly ask how that went down, given that you are someone who, in my direct professional experience of several years standing, will not sit at a meeting table for more than about 10 minutes at any point? I love a meeting. I love getting involved in't get enough i don't get invited to enough i get invited to zoom ones which is shit um i like free what are you contributing to the street party then tic tacs i've made a big bottle of tic tacs well you've got uh

neil a couple of hours down he's doing guess the crisp a flavor again um that got down well last time that sounds a bit tepid to me that went down incredibly well last time we had the craffle crap raffle uh where people just get shit things from their houses and we raffle them off um this actually sounds quite cool yeah it's quite good we were beat beat the beat the queen um i was the um it's bad bad phrasing really but beat the Queen I was dressed as the Queen and kids would take pot shots at me in the football goal and we also have

I'm going to make a Guess what's in Stewie's box? I wonder if you've still got that box it's a nice box but you know He's got to come and throw away a nice stainless steel box surely Exactly

but you know I would love to sort of playfully go oh this is a nice uh it's a nice gray box dad can i have this because you're not using it it's just in the loft can i have it can i have the can i have the gray box dad dad can i have the gray aluminium box please yeah really nail it i wonder where he got i mean because i don't think i've seen it around i don't think there's anything sorry you're just painting quite a dark scene here now. So do you mind just going back to the street party? Go back to the celebration. I'm making a big...

I'm making a big... I'm making an ear. Right. What, for Charles? For Charles. I'm going to make a little golf, like a crazy golf thing where you whack the ball

and you've got to get in Prince Charles' ear. And I said that. Everyone was on board. And then I thought, like, in 2023, that's just bullying, isn't it? People don't like that kind of thing anymore. I think it's fine. But he's known for being the big-eared guy. And that's what the money's for.

In the words of Don Draper, that's what the money is for. So it's like, you know, all right, we have a go at your ears every now and again, but you have taken a lot of money off us over the years. I think it's, listen, I may be wrong on this. I'm very sensitive generally to mental health issues

and all that kind of stuff and bullying. I think it's important. You know, I had this a week or so ago when I said that I thought it personally, it was funny that Man United scored their own goal off of Harry Maguire's massive head.

Got dogs abused for that. Oh, he can't help Maguire's massive head. Got dog's abuse for that. He can't help the size of his head. I know he can't, but it's a gentle bit of joshing to a very powerful and wealthy person who's got a great life. I'm sure he won't give a shit. It's not like I've gone around there and said, I think he's, you know, terrible things about his kids

or something. I've just said he's got quite a big head. I think a gentle golf ball in a papier-mâché ear is, I think, on the right side of history. Alright, fine. Okay, I'm glad that I've got at least one person. So have you had a lot of opposition locally? Have you? No, no, no. I just thought

nowadays kids, because there's going to be a lot of kids around, kids are told not to really point that sort of stuff out. Oh, that was a bad one over the weekend so so i'm making a little crazy yeah it's not like a pig you're gonna get him to smash his shit out is it no we're not doing that um over the weekend i did uh have um a friend a family family friends uh kids over um um and they were um playing with the play with the dogs and stuff. And I, offhand, one of the dogs...

Before you say this story, just be 100% sure in your mind you definitely want to tell it. Just think to yourself, do I want to tell this story? I've got an aluminium lockbox in my head. Just be sure that you're going to say it. If you want to say it, it's fine, but just be sure that you're going to say it. If you want to say it, it's fine, but just be sure. Okey-dokey. I told the child, the four-year-old child, that dogs can't look up. Which I...

Oh, Shaun of the Dead, sorry. Shaun of the Dead. See, I don't remember it being on Shaun of the Dead. Yes. One of the most famous lines is Shaun of the Dead. Right. What point does he say it? He says, like, one of his friends gives him some advice to do something,

and he says, we can't listen to them. He says dogs can't look up. Okay, fine. Okay. So the way that dogs look up, they can manage from the horizon, they can probably manage a 45-degree angle, maybe like 60 degrees maximum. Are you talking about their eyes or with their neck both i think i think if you i think the eyes do a bit more heavy lifting but they can't sort of their necks can't

sort of go right back like that look directly to um you know vertically they just can't do it and so i told the child that i think that dogs can't look up, and I didn't realise it was a trope from Shaun of the Dead. Anyway, it's all she's been telling people, Luke. It's all she's been telling people. And I feel very guilty because everyone basically says that dogs can look up and it's, you know, you're just being an idiot. Well, I think it's quite a famous myth. I think it's something because I think dogs range of neck movement is less than

great pigs are shit pigs are terrible pigs can't look up but then the thing is if you listen to the excellent show Eureka

they've done quite a few episodes recently on evolution it's like they may not need to like pigs may not have developed a need to do that

and the adaptive nature of evolution around the moving of a neck or whatever it may be may not be necessary for them to flourish as a species. So I think the fact remains, however, that dogs can look up,

just not with the same range of flexibility that we can. Yeah, but I mean, I can't be telling you about that. There's no harm done there. They need absolutes. Yeah, there's no harm done. I mean, listen, if the kid was four years old, there's no harm done there. Yeah, listen, if the kid was four years old, there's no harm done there. Yeah, I just think that she's been telling everyone that

and that everyone's going to think that she's silly and it's all down to me. I've just got to be careful about what I say to kids, that's all. Yeah, I don't... Well, that's definitely the case. I would broadly agree with that. But four-year-olds tell each other mad stories all the time. Don't worry about it.

Hey, has your dad got an aluminium box in the cupboard? Right, that's enough. Get the aluminium box for little Petey. That's enough. That's enough. Get your dad's secret box. Give me the box. What are you doing?

I don't know. I don't know. That's enough now. What we do need to see, though, is we do need to see evidence of the big ear. Yes, I'm going to'm gonna yeah i've bought some i've told you about the pork scratching here no what you found let me guess you bought some pork scratchings delicious pork scratchings and one of them was shaped like an ear my friend okay

kind of my friend tommy um we were in the pub once years ago. Let's say 10 years ago. Right. And we bought, we bought, so, so another one of my friends, Dan, his dad was quite a big swinger at KP. Yes. Okay. So he grew up,

he grew up in an environment full of snacks. Yeah. He needs to drink some water. Yeah, he does. As a result, he's got no knowable way to go to the pub for a pint and not order loads of snacks. Right. He does it all the time he can't help it

and so we were there a few of us Dan and Tommy were there and Tommy said do you want to have a packet of pork scratchings so he gets the pork scratchings

and he opens them up and in the packet of pork scratchings how many how many would you how many little pork scratchings do you expect to normally get in one regulation packet?

A Porky's. A Porky's packet. I reckon six sizable ones and then just dust the rest of it. Right. So I would say that all in, depending on how well it's been kept in storage and not been knocked about too much,

I would say between probably about 15 pieces. Okay, right. That's what I would say. This one had one gigantic pork scratching shaped like an ear. much i would say between probably about 15 pieces right okay right that's what i would say this one had one gigantic pork scratching shaped like a mega scratch yeah and two other tiny ones right and the great thing about pork scratchings and this i do mean the great thing about pork scratchings is that they are packed to the gills with so many preservatives yeah that they will stay almost in stasis forever right so

my friend tommy was like i'm keeping that port scratchy and that is mad looks just like an ear yeah no worries he had it on his mantle piece at home for i think five six maybe seven plus years and it remained exactly the same every single day until i think his girlfriend moved in or she saw it and was like, get rid of that. That's it. It's me all year. But at what point did he eat it straight after? Because you imagine that it would be preserved forever because of all of the salt and the grease and the oil.

No, he just chucked it. Didn't eat it. The only thing that changed about it is I think it went rock hard. Yeah. It didn't decay. It didn't mould or anything like that. I like those ones that are like they're like pork puffs and they are like they're like

they've got it's like a Mexican thing I think where it's just covered in chilli salt chilli powder yeah I've had those yeah

fucking lovely they're like pork derivative products they're not like actual pork scratchings though I think they're like quite hard isn't it they're like quite hard it's just rendered fat, isn't it? It's just rendered fat that's fried.

Yeah, but they come across in consistency as almost like slightly more robust pork flavoured quavers. Yes, that's the one, yeah. Beautiful. I'm a fan. On that note, we should get out of here. We can't top that.

It's impossible. Let's get out of here. If you've found a pork scratch that looks like something delicious or non-delicious, do get in touch. Hello at LukeBeatsShow.com. We're on TikTok. We're on Instagram.

We're on Twitter. We'll be back on Thursday for Battery Brands and beyond. Say goodbye, Lukey Moore. Yeah, we've got to do some emails because Rory's done loads of emails for us. We haven't done any of them recently. So we'll do those on Thursday. But it is a goodbye from me. Thanks for listening.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.