The Luke and Pete Show - Pete's New 125cc Lawnmower

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

On today’s episode, DJ Pete and Pato Banton-turned-Luke Moore are here to start your week off right! Pete tells us all about nipple collectors before the boys discuss the aftermath of a spicy US election and wave goodbye to ‘confirmed boozophile’ Donald Trump. Elsewhere, Luke shares the boys’ bedtime cuddling habits before reading some exciting emails: second-hand kitchens, exploding fingers, and one particularly destructive student’s school report! What were you like in school? We want to know - email us your school reports at [e-mail]!See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

today's music mix today's music generation it's luke moore it's pete donaldson this is the luke and pete show but a bye-bye what was the bye-bye yeah just doing a bit of um pato banton little bit of pato baton who uh had a cd collection of bob marley yeah a whole collection a whole collection um i mean just, just get the best ofs. Yeah. That's what I would say. And his missus chipped off with him when she left. Yeah.

He wants him back. So that was... Small claims. Pat Abaddon down the small claims car. I think it's probably mid-90s. Yeah. Do you reckon he ever got on back? He would have been seconds away from his CD collection

being consigned to the dustbin of history anyway, you would argue. Exactly. She's done him a favour there. Exactly. Very short shelf lives. Yeah. Very short-sighted of Pato Banting to complain about that as the first of his many grievances over a breakdown of a relationship, I would say. This is a situation where...

This is the reason why he's not on the radio no more. Because he cannot fathom Pro Tools. Why are you not on the radio anymore? Because of the things I did. But you know what? It shows you how much the world has changed Why are you not on the radio anymore? Because of the things I did. But you know what? It shows you how much the world has changed because... You're on your radio figures. The first thing my wife did when she moved in with me

is make me put all my CDs in the loft. Oh, right, okay. So Pato Banter thinks he's got it hard. I've still got my CD collection just out of reach. Guess where my CDs are? On a USB... Like, basically, no dual case case free of any dual cases uh just completely loose um threaded through uh an old um audio cable and tied at the top so i've got a big

kind of like in the same way that um i think didn't a man collect a load of nipples back in the day he chopped them off cada cadavers and he made a belt out of them. A little bit like that. Right. Well, I didn't know you were going to go down that route.

No. Where's that come from? I saw a reproduction of said belt. I thought, you know what? It looks pretty charming. Ed Gein, the guy who is

the inspiration for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he was a fan of the old skin. Collecting skin. Yeah, he was. Skin. Yeah, he was.

Oh, dear. A non-traditional start to the Luke and Pete show. Oh, come on. As our listeners have come to know and love. Yeah, maybe it is by now. I am Luke. He is Pete, as Pete's already said. Hello at LukeandPete.com is the email address to get in touch with us

and to get us to read your missives. They have to go to that destination. We'll get to a few of them a bit later on. Pete, as we sit here recording this on Monday the 9th of November, do you have anything to say vis-a-vis the old election? I don't know. It was a bit spicy at the start, wasn't it?

It was a bit, oh, but the Rust Belt did it. Yeah, but it's not been accepted, has it? It's not been accepted. It's not been accepted. No? it's not been accepted no in the same way when I left Absolute Radio I'd refused to leave just kept on going

wouldn't let Chris Martin and Orvanites take over I will be back in every day for as long as my past works who is

is it George Costanza in Seinfeld he quits rather emotionally on a Friday afternoon and then over the weekend he decides to just go back as if he hadn't quit on Friday. See if anyone remembers.

See if anyone remembers. Yeah, that's the thing. The way you conduct yourself in the office environment vis-a-vis Fridays, you've got to be careful. Very different, isn't it? If you get on the big one on a Friday and start busting some skulls, it's going to be forgotten about by Monday. You're going to have to do it all over again on Monday.

So yeah, maybe he's fallen foul of that. An astonishing, astonishing but entirely predictable situation where the president is literally saying that he's not leaving. Did you predict a big press conference at a landscaping company? I don't think anybody could have. What was that?

The Four Seasons Landscaping Company? The talk is that they mistook it for the Four Seasons Landscaping Company next to a dildo shop. The talk is that they mistook it for the Four Seasons Hotel. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know,

but I do know you and so I know it's humanly possible. Even for ex-mayor of New York and concerned, you know, boozer-phile him,

he... Rudy Giuliani. Confirmed boozer-phile. He is, you know, he's clearly not a well man, but even for him, him. Rudy Giuliani. Confirmed boozer file. He is clearly not a well man but even for him I think that's an astonishing turn of events. Yeah but you can spin that and say

we're always supporting small businesses. That's what we're all about. You can. You can easily spin that. It's an easy spin. And the Liberals. I don't think he's deft enough for it though. No he's not. The Liberals are just using it as a stick to beat us with. But we're for the common people. Look at my gold lift.

Wonderful. Your wife enjoyed the count? We both did. We got drunk on Saturday night. Lovely. Drunk some champagne. Enjoyed ourselves. Beautiful.

It's great to see people. I mean, look, you know, people feel like a big weight's been lifted it's a long way to go yet there's a lot of other things to be taken care of do I think JB is the

as literally no one calls him the the the perfect candidate no I don't and do I think he's going to be the perfect president

probably not but the point is he isn't Donald fucking Trump no and that's a good enough starting point for me. Yeah, I think AOC's been speaking quite eloquently

about the importance of how the vote went in places like Detroit and how they registered so many new voters over the Black Lives Matter campaign and stuff. And she's sort of saying, you really think, I can't remember who, and probably never knew in the first place, the person who got in on the Democrat side in Detroit. She's saying, what, do you think he really, because he's a middle, very middling kind of representative of the Democrats.

Do you think he turned everyone out? Or do you think it was the Black Lives Matter? No one's really talked about how much, bearing in mind how many new voters were registered for this election, and certainly on the Democrat side, like how galvanising George Floyd, how important George Floyd's,

the process that happened after his death, has changed things. Well, we don't know. We just don't know that. I mean, I think that... But they know how many people have been registered though haven't they right during the black lives matter yeah but i think it's also i mean i don't want to get my political science hat on um but i do think it's also difficult to properly ascertain what is motivating these people and it could you

know could be any number of things it could obviously be that but i think what's what's interesting is that america is a center-left country really it's been shown i mean popular vote shows yeah that's not how they choose presidents in the united states but that's that's shown that joe biden will win the popular vote by five million votes probably there's a lot of vote yeah right but with a right-wing mechanical kind of yeah exactly yeah basically basically yeah exactly right so it'll be fascinating to see what this and the reason i'm bringing it up is because there does seem to be a huge groundswell among young people for people like AOC, for people like, you know, Phil de Berne, Bernie Sanders, who sounds a bit like this.

Ah, forget about it, George Costanza. Yeah, and so, but there's also people who are a bit older who maybe want to be a little bit more moderate. So as ever, with a young democracy like the US is, it's going to be interesting to see how it manifests itself and how it goes through into the future. And also, Joe Biden's not a young man. No.

He's... I mean, wow. He's the second oldest man to ever live behind that guy in Big Trouble in Little China. You know? So it's interesting to see what's going to manifest itself over the coming months and years. But anyway, overall, I passionately believe that Donald Trump was the worst human being

to ever hold serious office in the United States, ever hold the office of presidency. So for him not to be there is a great starting point for me.

But I did get drunk on Saturday night celebrating. I did feel like shit on Sunday morning, but it was worth it. Do you still feel it on a Monday morning?

It's Monday morning as we speak. The good thing is, if I drink with Mimi, she she can't drink so she'll have like two glasses and she's drunk yeah and so that stops me right so if i go three four five glasses of champagne two or three beers as i did on saturday night in the comfort of my own home stay out of it the government just close your curtains stay out of the deep state right yeah close your curtains i do feel bad the next day, but by today, Monday, I'm fine.

If I go on a big heavy session with my man peed on, it's dangerous for a Monday. Yeah, I agree. It gets more psychological than it does physical. I find that my partner will drink one glass of Prosecco, but then you've got to finish the bottle of Prosecco, otherwise you're wasting Prosecco. Yeah, of course. Down the hatch. Yeah. Donnie, I am of Prosecco, but then you've got to finish the bottle of Prosecco. Yeah. Otherwise you're wasting Prosecco. Yeah, of course.

Down the hatch. Yeah. Donny, I am drinking Prosecco. Who's the talk spot breakfast guy? Alan Brazil. Big head. How can you not remember Alan Brazil's name? I just can't.

I just can't keep all of them. You don't know Giuliano. You booze in there. All of the men in my brain. Yeah. Him. He just drinks champagne, doesn't he? His favourite tipple is that. so so big al will um yeah he likes the champagne he does like a beer

as well right um but i think he i think he finds that he wants to warm up with maybe a few beers and he'll move on to the champagne i just think that i am drinking prosecco like beer lately um and it's dangerous well because it because it has the same mouth feel as beer to a certain extent and the sort of beers that I like very fizzy stellar

little peachy like it fizzy yeah I do I don't mind have a pepsi max cherry what's wrong with you you were talking about you said you said

if you squeezed if you squeezed my breast you said what would come out and I said pepsi max cherry not squeeze isn't right you said have like a tourniquet around it yeah to and it would look like a little crab apple yeah and

and then it would just get too taut and then delicious pepsi max cherry but one thing you have to remember those who were listening who are absolutely delighted to hear that and i'm sick and it will be room temperature when it'll be body temperature you are going to suck suck on that teat get a glass with some ice it would start use the ice to get the nipple out yeah it would start

to kind of like because the blood flow would lessen and the black Pepsi Max would come to the front of the skin and it would look like

a bruise it would look like a deep black bruise and you'd be like oh you've really bruises of that nope it's going to be

it's actually going to be one of the challenges of I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here. I found out about 10 minutes ago that I interviewed a member of the I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here team. Which one?

It was the woman. It's not Jessica Plummer. I don't know. Who is Jessica Plummer? She's in Neon Jungle. Yes, Neon Jungle. Yes. I've interviewed her before. She's very nice. But she's also an actor in Incenders, wouldn't she? That's true. She might still be, I don't know, I don't know. Who is Jessica Plummer? She's in Neon Jungle. Yes, Neon Jungle. Yes, I've interviewed her before.

She's very nice. But she's also an actor in EastEnders, wouldn't she? That's true. She might still be. I don't know. I don't watch it. It's in Wales now, isn't it?

I think it's in Wales. Yeah. I'm a celebrity. I mean, how are they doing that in winter? Yeah, there's going to be a lot. Yeah, you'd think that they would put, you'd think that they would move it to the summer, wouldn't you?

Annoying for a while, they couldn't do it in Australia. It's baffling they're doing that. I think maybe a lot of it must have to be inside or something. But the thing is, I'm a celebrity. So if you take the big ecosystem that is reality TV, we're just kind of morphed into something else now, right? Reality TV used to be mental. It used to be amazing.

It was a real amazing revolution in TV, wasn't it? And now it's kind of become something different because becoming a reality star has been like a means to an end in itself, right? But standing above all those, I think is I'm a celebrity. Right. I think it's the best one.

Oh, really? It's just so much more interesting. Is it? I mean, it's just a lot of... If you're going to get some celebrities on, make them do some stupid shit. That's what I'm saying. Don't want them to sit around.

Don't want them trying something new. No. Don't want them getting on some epiphanal journey where they're going to feel great about themselves. Get them eating some... Dicks. But also... Eat some dicks.

Can I also say that they do a pretty good job of getting better celebrities than the other ones do? I think they pay a lot more money. Mo Farah's doing it. I know. But I imagine he's getting paid a ridiculous amount of cash for doing it. Someone that we both know got offered six figures to do it.

Yeah. Okay. They said no. Right. But I mean, that's two weeks in the jungle. And presumably because we know them, they're probably not the most celebrated. Speak for yourself, okay. They said no. Right. But I mean, that's two weeks in the jungle. And presumably because we know them, they're probably not the most celebrated. Speak for yourself, mate. So I imagine they probably thought,

hmm, that's tempting. It was Jim Campbell. I'll tell you what, six figures, Jim Campbell, you wouldn't see him for Dusty B there. Yeah. No worries. I'm right. We all would.

But they've got Mo Farah this year. Yeah. Well, look, he probably, would he be able to, because obviously he's an endurance kind of runner isn't he so like

I think he'll probably sort of be alright we're not eating anything he could just be running all the time where has he gone he's running back and forth again

it'd be interesting if he puts weight on yes because he's not got a scrap of meat on his bones no exactly so I think he'll be

absolutely fine to eat nothing that's what I'm saying but presumably he puts away a lot of calories is he still running oh yeah he is

yeah he would do wouldn't he he'd have to so the people who are on AJ Pritchard who was a former

Strictly Come Dancing dancer very handsome young man don't know anything about him Beverly Callard who used to be Liz in

Coronation Street when I used to watch that back in the day Giovanna Fletcher don't know who she is Holly Arnold don't know who she is oh Paralympic javelin thrower

right decent athlete Jessica Plummer you've already talked about Jordan North don't know who he is Mo Farah we talked about

Shane Ritchie I've met lovely fella yeah Shane Ritchie I got a bit starstruck chatting to Shane Ritchie he's so like showbiz

you wouldn't expect it because you think oh Shane Ritchie's a bit naff the nicest man full of charisma lit up the room yeah made you feel special you know so it'd be good to see him Vernon Kay Richie's a bit naff. The nicest man. Full of charisma. Lit up the room. Yeah. Made you feel special.

You know. So it'd be good to see him. Vernon Kaye. I don't know why he's doing it. Why? He's got everything going for him. Has he? Well, he did have.

Well, he did have. He consistently... Let's not get into his foibles. But he consistently got in the hot water. He's done so much primetime TV though. He's done a certain level of primetime television, yeah. Do you know what he's like? Right.

I think Vernon Kaye to me is you and I sit down and we're in a room and we've got Paddy McGinnis in the room with us and we say, due to modern techniques and money is no option, we can make this man better. Yeah. In every conceivable way.

Right. I think out the other side of that you get vernon k well do you remember he was like the same he was like a cover star from like back in the day on in ms magazine and just 17 and stuff he was like a kind of sexy kind of star and he started t4 got good teeth got great teeth and a lot of them yeah he's um he doesn't need to be doing it is what I'm saying I don't think any of them need to be doing it but then also

a lot of them need to be doing it my beef is that Victoria Derbyshire's doing it and she is an absolutely fantastic radio presenter right yeah

she's won so's Jordan Off she's won Pete Victoria Derbyshire and we're talking about our trade here now kind of

trade she's won six Sony Gold Awards. Six. Six. I mean, BBC, though. It's like shooting fish in the barrel, isn't it? It's the only ones who used to get them.

This time next week, she's going to be eating a kangaroo's arsehole. And her Sony Gold Awards are not going to help her. Yeah. Jordan North follows me on Twitter. There you go. That is great. Who is he again?

He's Reggie. When I saw that, I thought, oh, fucking hell, he's done well. And then I remembered he is actually on Radio 1 quite a lot. Jordan North. Why doesn't he follow me?

Oh, well, you're not part of the music radio fraternity. You're not interviewing bands like Neon Jungle every week. I flirted with the radio community, but I was only ever

through TalkSport, which is a bit of a... It's a bit of a renegade outpost. Yeah, exactly. So if you've got the radio community, but I was only ever through TalkSport, which is a bit of a, it's a bit of a renegade outpost. Yeah, exactly. So, so if you've got the radio community and people are dancing and, you know,

skipping through the meadows, holding hands, um, doing time checks, um, TalkSport's like Mad Max. We've got these like built up cars. They drive around with spikes on them.

And everyone's covered in, uh, champagne. Speaking of this, right, we didn't mention on the ramble today but I want to mention to you now you'll love this

as a radio guy and people listening you know that we love radio as well on its own face Pete you'll love this so

on one of the FA Cup first round games at the weekend it overran and went to a penalty shootout and the radio commentator

obviously was told at all costs, he's got to do his time check. Right? Right. And I'm not joking. You can find it on the BBC website. The deciding penalty when the guy's walking up to take it,

say his name is like James Smith. And there's James Smith steps up for the deciding penalty in the crucial FA Cup first round game the time is 25 to 5 it's gone! He has to do the time check. Give it a rest.

The producer is here. Give it a rest. Keep your fucking time checks. Bad producer. Yeah, exactly. A bad producer will always say hit your brakes on time get your time checks in.

Do your best. Yeah. I never used to do that. Anyway, will you be watching I'm a Celebrity? Probably not to be honest. There's nothing else to do in 2020. Yeah,, will you be watching I'm a Celebrity? Probably not, to be honest. There's nothing else to do in 2020. Yeah, but it might give me precious time with my partners watching it,

because she's a big fan. I could be doing other stuff. I bought a scooter. Oh, yes. Scooter. I bought a scooter. I don't give a penny. Fuck 2020.

That's a scooter, isn't it? Donnie's got a scooter. Yeah, exactly. It's their current single. I can't fucking figure out how to fit the battery. It's so confusing. It's practically a lawnmower. It's a four-stroke Chinese monstrosity,

but it's brand new. How much? Grand. That's not bad. It's not bad, is it? What's the insurance on it? But it is a Chinese piece of shit. What's the insurance on it? I it is a Chinese piece of shit. What's the insurance on it?

I don't know, because it arrived. I sort of realised that because it's new, it's unregistered. So I was like, oh, I'm going to have to get a fucking licence plate, aren't I? How do you get licence plate, new ones? I wouldn't know how to do that. How do you get new ones? Do your own. Do your own.

I'll just write it with a sharpie. Just do P-D-0-N. It's so silly. And yeah, and it all comes new and stuff. And it got delivered around the corner because the road was out. And I was just, oh my God, this is a nightmare. So wheeled it around and it's there. I've got it, but it's just new and it's really confusing.

And I can't figure out how to put the battery in I want to hear you riding past on it I've bought the Haynes manual have you really yeah Mark Haynes

Mark Haynes' manual yeah he knows everything I'd like to see you go and hear you go past me on your moped open face helmet going like 20 miles an hour

just screaming let's go Peloton Luke in Banbury have you heard that have you heard let's go Peloton! Luke in Banbury. Have you heard that? Have you heard let's go Peloton? What's let go? Is it just the... No one speaks like that.

What, the guys who were doing the old, the running thing? No, the cycling thing. Listen to the advert, right? Because no one speaks like that. It's absolutely mad. You hear the advert and it goes, let's go Peloton!

There's no accent to it. It's not it's not english are we just people who have never been to spin class isn't that how people speak come on now let's go quicker yeah don't go slower keep going the same speed but that just sounds like you hello yeah i could be a peloton little cycle man i'd have to have i'd have a pre-recorded video loop video of me, of my legs going, and then the top half would be me live. If you've got a pedal pop, is it one of those you have to pedal as well? What? You can get, you know, like a pedal pop?

No, it's like a shit Vespa. It's a shit Chinese Vespa. Right, so you've got to get registered, you've got to get a number plate delivered, you've got to put the battery in, then you can ride it. You'll never get round to that. I've got to attach the wing mirrors as well. You've got stuff around your house that you've never used you're never going to use it it's going to get rough

yeah it's going to collect dust it's going to be like beats and people just do nothing when they're driving down you can't use them open Peter

one thing I wanted to ask you before we go to a break because we're way overdue is that you refer to your lady friend

as your partner regularly yes what's the thinking there? Do you feel like you're too old to have a girlfriend now? Yeah, I think I was... I'm probably never going to get married, so I think it's important to not use the word girlfriend at 40.

Can they not use... Oh, that's what you mean, because it sounds a bit like midlife crisis. It just sounds like a bit of midlife crisis. Not you, man. Yeah, so I thought... I think partner is... I think partner is a very modern way of... But I'm also your partner, aren't I? You are my partner, yeah, exactly. It's a bit confusing, midlife crisis. Not you, mate. Yeah, so I thought, I think partner is, I think partner is a very modern way of...

But I'm also your partner, aren't I? You are my partner, yeah, exactly. So that's confusing, couldn't it? Yeah. I saw that sitcom there. Oh, you wake up next morning in bed with your partner? Oh, but it's Luke.

The thing is, though, I'm like, I also, yes, I have described you as my partner. And then I've thought, should I write business partner there? Nah, let them think. Well, look think let them talk as long as they're talking

I don't mind we've shed beds together before on more than one occasion yeah Johannesburg we've had cuddles with our tops off don't worry about it man

I sort of think of 2020 not as a pandemic but as the year that nobody hugged the year that nobody cuddled I have my wife obviously yeah but that's one person

I'm jonesing for more hugs with new people what's your par for a day on a good day I think two a day with people that's not in my

like in my house I would say and I think it's also the industry we're in is very lovey isn't it I've found that like when I was doing my show

on the radio I had like it was a cool team and you give them a big hug at the beginning. It's like, come on, let's get this done kind of thing. You get a bit of team spirit. I'd love to do that here, but we can't at the moment. No.

Sucks, man. I'd love to hug a neon jungle. Yeah, I bet you would. Right. Something else we've got to talk about later. Let's hit the ad break. Enjoy the ads. We'll be back in a second.

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is a Stakhano production. E by heck. We're back with the Luke and Pete show. Luke, have you got an email for us? I do have an email. Hello at Luke and Pete show Luke have you got an email for us I do have an email hello at lukeandpeetshow.com

is the address we bloody love hearing from you and loads of the emails we've had this week we're going to have to limit them a little bit

because they're all about quite horrific personal injuries and I'm not sure it's going to be a great listening experience after dog shit gate the week before last

so do get in touch with your emails do talk to us about i'm a celebrity are you going to watch it should we would you like us to watch it and talk about it on the show for example please don't say that i'm just not going to do it we'll get your you'll get your partner instead of instead of you and um you know email us about other stuff what's been going on in your lives and on that note um this is an email that I've titled Man's Finger Explodes.

Oh dear. Hi Luke and Pete. Long time a listener. Second time emailer. I emailed you before about a UFO. Which I think means that Lee, who emailed in, was the first guy to email in Sandy saw a UFO on the way back from the pub but did admit that drink

had been taken. He said, this story is unrelated to the UFO, but I thought I'd share, following your talk, about injuries. Basically, my mum bought a second-hand kitchen. Is that even a thing? Yeah, I guess so. I guess you could recycle a kitchen, couldn't you, if you're getting rid of one?

Yeah. But they're invariably unfashionable, aren't they? That's the thing. I like it, though, if you just paint the cabinets. The people who lived in my... Have you got an island in your kitchen? No, I'm still picking it up. I live in London.

I'd love one. Listen, if my wife listens to this, we'd be in big trouble because there was talk to knock a wall for and get an island. Did no do that because it was expensive. But anyway, the people who... I don't want to cast aspersions on them because I don't 100% know it was expensive. But anyway, the people who, I don't want to cast aspersions on them because I don't 100% know it was them. But a certain resident in my house

before I lived there, could have been the ones just before, could have been the ones before that, were, and I use this under advice, a fucking disgrace. And the stuff they did in the house was embarrassing. Right.

The kitchen they put in, I don't know if you can even picture this, but they didn't have cupboards that you put on the wall and screw in. They just had the sides of the cupboards. So the back had no cupboard. It's just a wall. So there'd be gaps everywhere.

That's confusing. Terrible. So we had to get the kitchen done. So my point being, I think maybe if the kitchen is being something that just has to be done when the other one's no longer fit for purpose. And I took great pleasure in seeing them smash

the shit out of that kitchen because it was an absolute dump. And the people also, I had to get the toilet replaced and they'd rested, because they couldn't get the toilet to sit straight, they'd rested the toilet on two pairs of wire cutters and fielded around it. So when they pulled the old toilet off, there was two pairs of wire cutters and fielding around it.

So when they pulled the old toilet off, there was two pairs of wire cutters lying face down on the floor. Why didn't they use a bit of wood? Mental. Absolutely. It's insane. And they made a wire cutters? My first thinking was, well, that's some kind of murder weapon that they found.

They've hidden. Anyway, so Lee's mum bought a second hand kitchen and a mate with a van and I were tasked with picking it up the kitchen had been

dismounted by the previous owner and included some granite worktops probably weighing about half a ton each that's an exaggeration but we get the point we loaded the van

successfully and delivered it to my mum's house while unloading the dismantled kitchen it took three of us to lift the largest of the worktops.

I had a grip underneath the worktop and at one point we needed to readjust our grip. My friends were meant to lower the worktop to the floor but they

dropped it with my finger underneath. Oh no. My finger was squashed between the worktop and the concrete drive. Needless to say, my

finger exploded. Luckily, I didn't require plastic surgeries. The doctors were able to stitch it back together. The only lasting

damage is a lack of nerves in my finger and a less than impressive scar. All the best, Lee Young, brackets, not Chinese. Thank you for that. A lot of yes to say there. Yeah. So that's horrific. And I apologise to everyone listening.

Caught between a rock and a hard place. Quite literally. I had a terrible... So interestingly enough, my friend Mark Mark who regularly listens to the Ramble and he covered us for the live tour

he came in remember okay yeah he's a newspaper guy great guy I worked with him did he blow away hey yeah

he worked with me we worked together at a sports shop and we were mucking around I think I was 16 he was 17 and I ran around the corner and put my finger in the hinge of a door and he slammed theucking around I think I was 16 he was 17 and I ran around the corner and put my

finger in the hinge of a door and he slammed the door and I left my nail and it was awful it still gives me a little bit of trouble now even though it was 20 years ago so I can

imagine some of the pain that that would have caused my fingernail's gone even more lumpy than it used to that's the one that you see that the my fingernail's got

a little yeah what's with that that was the belt sander the secular sander in CDT class where I took that off. Not ideal, is it? But still, yeah, it's still really... I only say because I actually caught it

between our new gaming chairs that we've got in the Stakhanov studios and the table. And I went, oh, you bugger! And then I looked, I thought I'd broken my little fingernail. Before we move on from that, I've got... So my friend Adam, he won't be listening, I don't think,

he's a friend of mine from school. He put a needle from a sewing machine through his fingernail in school, what was it called, home economics or whatever. Was he trying to bleed a blister? And,

no, he did it by accident. And it actually put a thread right through his finger. Oh, nice, useful. Yeah.

Leave it in there. He should have done, but he didn't. Anyway, he was a bit of a, he was a bit of a he was a bit of a character back in the day and uh in a nice way nice nice nice guy i like him still and i don't think he ever got any serious trouble but on instagram over the weekend he posted um the

report his school report from from our tutor we had the same tutor group, right? And it was very funny to read, but he was 13 at the time. Right. And it is absolutely brutal. I cannot, I could not believe how brutal, do you want me to read it to you? Oh, yes, please. So, this is word for word. I'm allergic to school reports.

Bless you. This is word for word. Adam continues to coast through life, obviously hoping that his charm and cunning will see him through. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and many of the teaching staff are not satisfied with him. In some cases, he has been

positively destructive to the ethos of the class. However, some reports indicate that when Adam is quite capable of excellent work when it suits him, this attitude needs to be applied to every single one of his lessons, even those which he does not like. He remains a likeable member of the tutor group, but much of my time seems to be applied to every single one of his lessons, even those which he does not like. He remains a likeable member of the tutor group, but much of my time seems to be spent

in either reprimanding him or saving him from further punishment elsewhere in the school. Adam has... This is the killer sentence, right? Listen to this, Pete. Adam has both talent and intelligence. He is wasting one and abusing the other.

That's nice. I think it was well written. It's well written, but it is brutal for a 13-year-old boy. That's nice. I think it was well written. It's well written, but it is brutal for a 13 year old boy. It's been absolutely clear. Was it handwritten as well? No, typed.

Typed out. Then signature at the end. Nice touch. Nice. Anyway, so... A lot of time for that. That is from a tutor of mine who used to spend

a lot of his time in class, which I didn't think was weird at the time, given that he was a teacher at a Gosport high school, the worst performing school in the area, saying that think was weird at the time given that he was a teacher at a Gosport high school the worst performing school in the area saying that he was

regularly in contact with and speaking with and personal friends of Andrew Lloyd Webber quite a weird claim isn't it is it

I don't know Andrew Lloyd Webber who's Andrew Lloyd Webber's son don't know I want to say Julian Lloyd Webber but I think I might be

getting confused with Julian Lennon I was reminded of the fact that I once DJed a gig with Sean Lennon. Right. And I was like, in... Sure it wasn't Neil Lennon? Was he really mouthing? And I was like, I mean, that's John Lennon's son.

That's insane. Which, ironically, is the last thing he wants you to say. Oi, oi, until it suits him. Yeah, exactly. Take a leaf out of Stephen King's son's book. Did years as a novelist without using the King name. And then suddenly went, ha ha, I did it. You'd like to think he got a bit of a leg up, surely.

Like Stephen King. Who recommended you to the particular publishing house? Dad, just come to the first meeting with me. Just come to the first meeting. Just. Just come to the first meeting. Just dial in. Bring your spooky car. Yeah. Got an email from someone.

I'm going to leave this anonymous in a way, but his name sounds like Daniel Johnston, the late great singer-songwriter. Oh, yeah, okay. It's Daniel Johnston. Morning, afternoon, evening, morning. I saw him at Pizza Hut once, by the way. Did you?

He's dead now. Yeah, he's a heart attack. Yeah. Talent. This is not really related to anything you guys have been talking about recently, afternoon evening I saw a pizza heart once by the way did you he's dead now yeah he's a heart attack yeah talent this is not really related to anything you guys have been talking about recently but I thought he'd enjoy it anyway

to be honest this email just sounds like he's trying to get it off his chest when I was four years old my grandma and step grandad came to visit a few days before I started primary school you'll see why I clarified

he was my step grandad I was in my bedroom so my step grandad came to help me get changed a few minutes later I started to cry very loudly my mum came in and I complained about my leg hurting she put step-grandad came to help me get changed. A few minutes later, I started to cry very loudly.

My mum came in and I complained about my leg hurting. She put me on the sofa and my grandma, a nurse, said I would be fine and my parents were being paranoid. After 20 minutes of me crying and screaming, I'm never going to be able to walk again, my parents drove me to the hospital. When we arrived, two doctors got me from the car on a stretcher, had to snap my leg back into position because my femur had snapped in two. Oh, bloody hell.

So much so that my mum claims the top part of my leg was square. Fucking hell. I spent six to seven weeks lying in a hospital bed, unable to get up or move around. After this, I left in a wheelchair for six weeks. My parents spent much of these six to seven weeks trying to find out what had happened in that bedroom, but my step-grandad managed to avoid the question.

So to this day, I'm now 21, and we have no idea what had happened, and I don't think I ever will. Dan, I think you... I started reading that email, and it got very dark very quickly. I think you need to talk to the fucking policeman. I think you need to go make a podcast series of this. True crime, isn't it?

True crime. What happened in that bedroom, Daniel Johnson? We don't know how old your step-grandfather is, but he's a step-grandfather, so he's not going to be young. Might not be with us anymore. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a good point, actually.

I mean, the femur is the worst of all the bones to broken mind. Which is the femur? It's that one. The biggest. What can you drop on a child to do that? The one that has no respect for any of the other bones because it's so big and hard.

It's so chunky. Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. Gross. How old was he at the time? Four. Yeah. Not ideal, though.

Not ideal, is it, Daniel Johnson? We're only reading the stories that you send in. He's now 21. Seven years ago. Seven years ago? 17 years ago.

Fuck you now. All right, we're wrapping up on that. That is absolutely outrageous by you. My goodness me. And the authorities of this country have said that you're perfectly

capable of going on the road that's what they said that's what they said oh my brain femur snapped let's go um what we would what we will do is we're back on thursday obviously um but if you have got emails of your school reports send a screenshot send them verbatim don't make a mark that'll be tedious email them in, hello at lukeandpeachshow.com. Send us emails in for anything you like, but that would be amazing

if we can hear some particularly brutal or even actually some nice reports from all the nerds out there. Yeah. Maybe they don't get enough press. Everyone wants to hear

about the naughty ones. Send us x-rays of your femur if you've got one. Yeah. I mean, how far away are we from home x-ray kits? I don't know.

Surely it's a pretty kind of, it's an old technology, isn't it? It's dangerous though, I guess. You reckon? What, if you just do too many? Well, that's what the guy has to go beyond the screen because if you do them over and over again, you get in big trouble.

But could you not just kind of limit, could it not be firmware limited that you're only allowed two x-rays a month on whatever you want? You've got to make them count. Would you buy one of them? Yeah. For a grand? Yeah, because you can x to make them count would you buy one of them? yeah for a grand?

yeah because you can extra you can find cans and stuff on extra can't you? do all your wrestling figures do all your little skeletons inside there's not skeletons

inside this one oh no it's just soiled bandages let's get out of here we'll be back on Thursday with some more of this nonsense thanks for listening hello at lukeandpeach.com

get in touch if you can leave us a review tell all your friends all that good stuff. Have a great week. We'll see you on Thursday. Bye-bye. This was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.