The Luke and Pete Show - Pete's Pickled Fitness Plan

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Luke and Pete are back to kickstart the year! On today’s show, the boys explore some brand new healthy eating habits as we discuss the complex cuisine of a banana alongside the exciting prospect of fartless pickled onions. Elsewhere, Pete tells us all about his strip poker days and explicit photoshopping skills, before we begin some community policing after hearing from a cop with credentials. Don’t miss out!Drop us an email at [e-mail] and tell us all about your New Year's eating habits. Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

good morning slash afternoon slow lorises pete donaldson with you on the luke and pete show i'm joined but i said i was gonna do a long intro so that luke mo could finish his big january the fourth banana uh he's not managed it just yet he's bitten off more than he could chew how much banana did you eat? Because you started... I'm back. You're back. There we go. I've done it.

Welcome to the show, Luke. How is the banana? It's good. In the banana rating? It's probably a little bit underripe, but I prefer under to over. Oh, really?

No, I prefer over. But I do want to avoid all the little black patches. Yeah. Spider eggs. I don't like the consistency of the texture after it goes past a certain point.

I love it when it gets melty. Bananas are really good because they fill you up. They're not hugely calorific. Yeah. So you feel like, I feel like, it's probably an exaggeration to say that it feels like you've had a meal when you've eaten a banana.

But it feels like you've had something substantial almost like when the snickers used to be a decent size but you sometimes sort of um nature snickers the banana is there some kind of times where you sort of eat banana and your stomach goes this is a bit strong for this early in the morning peter stop it not with a banana no i can have a banana from they're very potassiumy and kind of like they're very violent there's definitely a good range of foodstuffs that my body

will reject before a certain time right the banana is not among them I put gravy

on my banana just to smooth it down so when I used to do the Great South Run which I haven't

done for ages it starts pretty early but obviously you need to get up early to travel there and stuff.

And ordinarily you want a good breakfast before you go running for 10 miles. But I can never really stomach a full breakfast at that point. But I can always have a banana. Right. If I walk in at 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd get a banana down you. I was about to say exactly that. If you woke me up at 4 or 3

Get a banana down you. What's the worst time you could think of in the whole 24-hour clock to wake up? It'd be half three. 3.15? No, because actually, if you wake up at that point, if the dogs get up, I'm like, I'm all right,

because I've still got a substantial amount of sleep to go. No, but you misunderstand the question. Right. The question is, it's not... Anyone can get up at any time if you know you can go straight back to bedding. I mean, you're up.

Right. No mucking about. Yeah. So, for example... Two's a novelty. You're like, oh my God, I'm not being up this time

for a very long time. This is amazing. Two to me feels like I'm on an alien world. But you know what I'm saying? This morning, I was up, we were talking about this earlier,

I was up about seven. You said you were up a bit before that. And I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and put the radio on. The great Laura Woods hosting the breakfast show. Do you not wake up your good lady wife

with the radio on at that time? It's in another part of the flat. I mean, it's in the kitchen. How big's your flat? Not that big. How loud do you have it on? Have it quite quiet. Right, okay.

Anyway, Laura Woods was hosting the breakfast show on TalkSport. No joke. The last thing I watched on TV the night before was Laura was hosting the darts what?

I mean she's a machine I mean you've chosen to do the was it both live both of us both live yeah she must be

rinsed yeah exactly absolutely rinsed and anyway I was going to say to you pushing pro plus through the yielding flesh of a banana

just to get through yeah spiking a banana with pro plus through the yielding flesh of a banana just to get through yeah spiking a banana with pro plus but listen I'm telling you now if you can't go back to sleep you wake me up at three

which I think is the worst time yeah it'd be up there about that it's in the threes maybe the fours fours I'm going on a flight

so I'm going on a trip so I don't mind threes Peter what has happened yeah what's happened if you get me up in the fives I'm okay on a flight so I'm going on a trip so I don't mind yeah threes Peter what has happened yeah yeah what's happened

yeah if you get me up in the fives I'm okay if it's one one morning no and six onwards is fine whatever

but anyway you woke me up at three this is a long run up what I'm about to say this is going to be so underwhelming you woke me up at quarter past three right I'm telling you

I could eat a banana is this how we start oh we could eat a banana this is how we start in the little peach shop what could you eat at quarter past three if someone said you've got could eat a banana. Is this how we're starting the Luke and Pete show? Is this how we're starting the Luke and Pete show? What could you eat at quarter past three? Someone said you've got to get on board. Yes, and there's Chinese pizza. I'd have a good go. Bananas are just a bit too strong. Your guts are rotten.

Absolutely rotten. They are rotten. For breakfast, within half an hour of me getting up, I had macaroni cheese. A couple of days ago. In the new year. That's how I'm starting this year. You know in a nuclear disaster, they helicopter in a big concrete dome and put it over the ceiling.

That's your stomach. That's going to be my stomach when I finally pass. So you would rather have leftover Chinese at quarter past three in the morning than you would a banana? It feels more like a I'm up in the middle of the night kind of dish, to be honest. I'd be paying for it for the rest of the day. I'm completely sure. But has your kind of, have you made any kind of New Year's resolutions when it comes to, you know, getting a bit fitter and stuff?

Yeah, I mean. And not eating Chinese at three o'clock in the morning. This is a difficult situation because most people. Will be doing this. Listening to this show have probably seen me on social media right but believe me when I say I'm not actually that unfit

I know I don't look great right but I'm not actually that unfit for example I ran I did a 10k run on the morning of New Year's Day I mean that

yeah that seems like bearing in mind I can't walk up the stairs though being out of breath it just seems like moon talk you've got to build up to it

so I think what I tend to do these days is I give myself a little break. So for the two weeks leading up to when we broke up from work for Christmas, the 23rd or whatever it was, I was very, very strict on what I ate, how much I ate and all that stuff. And then for the two weeks over Christmas ending today, I've just been quite laissez-faire about it and now I'll go back into my normal routine which is not like properly

virulently monitoring my calorie intake but like staying across it. We were talking about caloric content of pickled onions on WhatsApp. Yeah, very low. I'm just always surprised. I mean, there's a lot of sugar in there. They're not good for you

but they're very, very low when it comes to calories. I could subsist on a diet of bananas and... Pickled onions. I mean, I would stink. I'd absolutely stink. That's possibly the most gothic thing you've ever said. And then I'd put the pickling vinegar in with whiskey. Yeah, it's almost like

your life is the nightmare before Christmas. But you know something? There's a lot of things that you can eat that aren't actually even worth typing in the calorie content into your app.

Because I've got an app, right? Right, okay, yeah. And cherry tomatoes, you could eat a hundred of them. Could you? Oh, mate. Oh, if I've tried it. Straight from the fridge, though,

a bit much on the teeth. Yeah, too much on the teeth when you get to our age. Oh, too cold. tried it. Straight from the fridge, though. A bit much on the teeth. Yeah, too much on the teeth when you get to our age. Oh, too cold. But I like pickled onions. But you've also got to remember why it's really important to have a balanced diet

and all that type of stuff. And obviously, I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist. But calories are just the calories, right? So if you take on board more calories and you burn off in a day, you're going to put on weight. And the opposite,

you're going to lose weight. Yeah. So it doesn't really matter. A pickled onion is like six calories. Yeah., you're going to put on weight. And the opposite, you're going to lose weight. So it doesn't really matter. A pickled onion is like six calories. Yeah. You ain't going to get fat eating pickled onions, mate. If there was a way of,

if there was a way of not destroying my teeth with the vinegar from pickled onions and also the bluffs that continue throughout the day after pickled onions

and the stench of onion. Are they the worst bluff food for you? Oh, they're massive bluff foods for me. Yeah, big, big bluff food for you? Oh, they're massive blow-off foods for me. Yeah, big, big blow-off food for me. So yeah, if I could somehow,

if we could make, if we could engineer that these boffins have sorted the vaccines, get on making a fartless pickled onion, please. I'm pleased that you use boffins. Yeah.

We don't hear it enough. Did you used to say boff at school? Boff for farting? No, no, that's short for boffin. No. Oh, he's a boff. I remember, was it Ben the Boff for farting. No, that's short for boffing. No. He's a boff. I remember,

was it Ben the Boffin who used to do the video game reviews on The Big Breakfast? Yeah. What about Ben the Boffin? I watched a, I'm going to say this,

you're going to be taken aback, but I'm telling you, over, when was it? It was a weekend, possibly in November, I got sucked into a vortex

where I watched almost the entirety of an episode of The Big Breakfast on YouTube. But the adverts and everything were taken out. Right. So it wasn't as long as you'd think. And it was dated. Yeah. And a bit cringe.

Exciting though. But it was exciting. The pace of it was very, very enjoyable. It was like all bets are off. It wasn't as staid and as basic and as slow as the ones on ITV. It was a real appointment to watch for a lot of kids. But I imagine the viewership just didn't really

pull a needle at any point towards any of the big ones, the BBC ones and the Pebble Mills. But that's... That was midday. You're talking mid-morning, right? But the rationale for the big ones, the BBC ones and the Pebble Mills. But that's... That was midday. You're talking mid-morning, right? But the rationale for the big breakfast was pretty sound, right?

It was like, there's a whole generation of people... Who just don't watch breakfast television. Don't give a shit about the BBC news at breakfast time.

Let's give them something a bit different. I was trying to explain the career of Chris Evans to my wife. Obviously, as I always say, she's not from this country. The Ryan Seacrest

of England. But obviously, she knows Chris Evans this country. The Ryan Seacrest of England. But obviously she knows Chris Evans as being, what's his name? Captain America. Got his hosier out. Different one. Got his willy out recently. Did he?

Yeah, he posted a picture of himself on Twitter. He's a cyberpunk. He glitched out of his trousers. I believe he was posting something on Instagram and he didn't crop out the camera roll at the bottom and his little dinkle donkey. How can you be so bad at that? Well.

Now. Yeah. Always crop an image. I know, right? Do you always crop an image? Well, you sent me a picture of someone we know with Ian Botham's willy

pierced onto their nose quite recently. You did the Photoshop. That I made. Yeah, you made it that's beyond my skill set but I found it in my

there's the greyness of that picture it's like a grey blue red kind of hue of that penis I could recognise

if you hid where's Wally but instead of Wally it was Ian Botham's penis that he accidentally tweeted that time what are you thinking I think that I think I could pick that out of a crowd there it is that's Ian Botham's penis that he accidentally tweeted that time. What are you thinking? Yeah. I think that,

I think I could pick that out of a crowd. There it is. That's Ian Botham's penis. Out of a load of penises. It's very distinctive. It is, yeah. And you spent a lot of time

cutting out to all the parts of it. Yeah, just cropping out. If I gave you a big, say, I'm going to say, A wall chart. An A1 size wall chart of 100 penises. I could spot Ian Botham's.

Would you spot it before you spotted your own? Well, I'd hope they'd be touching. Yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be very nice. So you reckon you could spot Ian Botham's penis

in 100 penises? Yeah. And look, if anyone's been furloughed and they've got a bit of time on their hands, I'll happily play that game. I'll take that bet.

I think that would cross the line for my wife. What do you mean if I was doing that bet. I think that would cross the line for my wife. What do you mean? If I was doing that. I'm doing some important work in here. Like Decker in Blade Runner. In hands.

Yeah, that's, yeah. I can't remember what I was going to say now, but anyway, what was I going to say? Oh, cropping of images. Yes. So sometimes our listeners should know that, so quite regularly, if I'm sat around doing nothing of an evening and i'm winding down

after a day's hard hard labor right i will sometimes just send you a photo of myself yeah of me myself doing like a stupid pose you were topless in the last one don't get to see it very often or you're wearing like an all-man vest oh that's possible yeah that's possible but yeah and you always send me one back yeah I do yeah it's nice to know some things we do but you haven't sent around a picture of me with Ian Botham's penis

on my face yet I've not no which is to your credit something to look forward to what's been happening in the news so I read over the weekend

that a load of families got trapped in the snow in the Peak District oh right yeah because of because of well I guess... Bad admin.

It came down. Well, no, the thing is, well, look, first of all, they shouldn't be out and about, I don't think. I think that some government spokesman or some police officer, I mean, listen, the government spokesperson has got a fucking cheek,

but some police officer said, look, it's disappointing because they're not supposed to be out. 22 people apparently got rescued, including a two-year-old child. Oh, that's not ideal, is it? But the weather came down fast. The notorious Snake Pass

in the Peak District, which apparently is very, very, it's just legendary for how quickly the weather can change. They got caught, the A57 it is, I think it's known as the Snake Pass, got caught in their cars

as the snow started piling down on them. Is it called the Snake Pass because it's shaped like a snake or it's as duplicitous as a snake? It's because it went oh good point I watched Indiana Jones yesterday

did you I'm very I watched all of them over Christmas yeah good Indiana Jones and the oh what was the first one

can't remember it Raiders of the Lost Ark Raiders of the Lost Ark there we go it's actually just called Raiders of the Lost Ark the first one isn't it oh it's not even called

Indiana Jones I don't think so right okay I don't recognise Crystal Skull I don't think so. Right, okay. I don't recognise Crystal Skull. It's part of the character. I don't observe it. Get in the fridge. Get in the fridge.

He is a beautiful man. And continues to be a beautiful man. I think that... I'm going to put this out there, and if people want to disagree, they're welcome to get in touch. Hello at LukeandPeach.com. I don't think you'll find a better specimen of human being

than Harrison Ford in the first Indiana Jones movie. When he got his shirt off, when he's been damaged. He just looks ridiculous. Some people on screen, they look so ridiculous that you think this would never happen. This would never happen because the first thing people would say would be like, fucking hell, you look amazing. And it's definitely the case

with Harrison Ford and Indiana Jones. Yeah, well, do you remember who played Princess Leia? Oh, Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher, she, before she died, like weeks before she died, she just sort of went,

yeah, I fucked him in his prime and then just died. An amazing flex. Is that true? Yeah, an amazing flex. I fucked him in his prime, an amazing flex, and then true? Yeah, an amazing flex. I fucked him in his prime, an amazing flex, and then just went.

I mean, what a treat that woman was. I don't think a man like Harrison Ford at that level, that level of attractiveness, because, so I'm looking at Harrison Ford's details now. Details. There was a period of time between 1979 and 1983 where he wasn't married. Right, okay. between 1979 and 1983 where he wasn't married. Right, okay. So the four years

where he wasn't married and at that point he was the age 23 through to 27. Yeah. So when he does Indiana Jones

he's a bit older than that I think. Yeah. Isn't he, wasn't he like a kind of a carpenter or something? Imagine him in your house. Get out.

Get out. Get out. That's peak Harrison Ford. Because that's what he did in The Lost Ark, 81. Wow. So, I mean, he is four years single. I don't need to say it, do I? I don't need to say it. Some women have had, possibly men,

have had the best they'll ever have I would say and how do you feel about that Pete have some people had the best you're ever going to be no I think I think there's been

some real shower conversations with themselves like days afterwards sort of going what was that about but is your best still to come

is what I'm saying probably not probably not mine is neither I'll be a chef this way yeah I also watch Ghost as well, Patrick Swersey. Again, another spunk. Doesn't appeal to me watching that again.

Some movies you look at and you think, yeah, I'd love to see that again. I get very teary at the end. I watched a lot of NAF films, good films, bad films. I watched a film called The Gift that had quite a lot of weird actors in it. The director who produced it also featured in it as well. And that's worth a watch on the old Amazon Prime.

You've also got a little bit of... I watched Wonder Woman for the first time. That's good. Didn't rate it, didn't rate it. I liked it. I'll tell you what I would say about Wonder Woman is that the final act isn't very good. And David Thewitt, who I like as an actor, he's not a very convincing bad guy. Oh, really? He isn't very good and David Thewitt who I like as an actor

he's not a very convincing bad guy in it oh really he always was very good he was very good in Fargo oh yeah but in that kind of

weird darker intimate more kind of setting he's brilliant he's brilliant in loads of stuff I just didn't think he was very good in that

I watched the Orient Express that was a load of shite even though it had the best cast in the world and plenty of chances to make it alright they just pulled the rug from everyone kind of forgetting what even though it had the best cast in the world and plenty of chances to make it alright they just pulled the rug from everyone

kind of forgetting what was so charming about the Miss Marple and Poirot kind of stuff that can happen can't it they just sort of went oh we can't figure let's just pull it out

it was everyone automatically now I'm thinking it was the policeman you know don't do that it wasn't that's the classic

mousetrap thing innit it was the policeman but the mousetrap thing, isn't it? It was the policeman. But the mousetrap changes every night, doesn't it? No. No, it's the policeman. Oh, I thought the mousetrap, I thought the whole point

of the mousetrap was every night they change it. That's a much better idea. Exactly, yeah. But straight away, Pete, I'm thinking it's all about cinematic universe crossovers now.

Prime, Indiana Jones, living on that island in Wonder Woman where it's just women. Look. If you don't do it, some porn production company will. Somebody will.

I mean, it'd just be endless. My word. Absolutely endless. Wonderful. And then at the start of Wonder Woman, Pete, where Chris Pine, he turns up in the plane,

rather than Wonder Woman swimming out and rescuing him Harrison Ford just instantly just kills him. Good. Not as handsome as me. This is my patch. Find your own island full of women.

You little fucker. Let him drown! He wasn't Mr. Spock, was he? Let him drown. Captain Kirk? Was he Captain Kirk? Yes, he was. I didn't warm to the new Star Trek ones.

No. I didn't warm to them. Anyway, at one point we were talking about people getting stuck in the snow. I was actually going to ask you, Pete, would you be, if you were stuck in a serious amount of snow, because I look at this web page with this news story on it and I'm just embarrassed at the lack of snow involved. Aye.

If you were stuck properly, like sometimes happens in China, or in some parts of the US, where you've got to batten down the hatches with one other person for a couple days before you get rescued, like Pine Barrens, that legendary episode of The Sopranos, would you be a good companion or a bad one?

I, um, I'd be a pretty bad one. And to be honest, I like to think that I would have got us into the situation in the first place yeah navigation I said I put

I was trying to maintain my partner's car and I put and I forgot to I went to fill up the antifreeze slash coolant in the engine

forgot to put the lid back on the actual container that they put it in and oh that caused to put the lid back on the actual container that they put it in. And, oh, that caused problems. Oh, the car didn't know like that. I don't even know why you're involved. I had to Google blown head gaskets.

I was fearful that I'd created that kind of problem. I took off the lid when the engine was hot and it... Going all over the place. I was like, wow. If I was walking back towards my car and the bonnet was open and I saw you, I'd put you straight in the headlock. I am good at computers.

So what is it if not a hundred-year-old gas-based computer? You're like with computers, like George Galloway used to conversations. So you take it to a certain level and then you just start using language and no one understands. And so then everyone just backs off. Is that fair?

That's fair, yeah. Yeah. Fine. I enjoyed being useful and then very not useful. What, in the car? I like going, I will maintain this car.

I will figure this out because a lot of car drivers, I'm very surprised, they don't really know how to maintain their car. They don't know what levels are. I'm the same. Yeah, but do you not know

like you've got to keep all the levels up? Well, we've talked about this before. How often do you pump up the tyres? Well, the thing is, the car I've got, you've got a regular service plan. So it's done for you.

You've got to pump up your tyres, aren't you? What if you're heavily laden and you need to pump them up higher? Yes, I have recently done my theory test. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry though.

Let's just take this back to the real world. Peter can't drive. People who know about cars do not approach you and say, you've got to pump up your tyres. No one says that. You do. It's the sort of thing people who don't know about cars say. Police quest one, two, and three.

If you refuse to get into your car, in your Panda car, without kicking the tyres and checking that the tyres are at the decent pressure, you would fail again. You'd be... Nah. Darryl Woods. I think it's Darryl Woods. He'd be telling you off. I Darryl, Darryl Woods, I think it's Darryl Woods, would be telling you off.

I don't know who that is. Oh, the problematic police officer. Darryl Gates, the problematic police officer would be telling you off and you would fail the game. It's like going up to someone saying you're going to fix

their computer and say, who does your mouse, Matt? It's a regular, no. Ty's the most important thing in the car. Is it? Next to engine.

Which you also know nothing about. Anyway, you'd be a terrible companion in a snow-drifted pass. Is that what you're saying? Yes, because I would have blown the head gasket. But you always carry top trumps on you, don't you? I like a game of cards, but someone teaches me the card game and then the next time we play it, I have forgotten all of the rules and they get very angry at me.

I'm the same about it. I don't think I've played any kind of card game for such the next time we play I have forgotten all of the rules and they get very angry at me. I'm the same at that. I don't think I've played any kind of card game for such a long time. I don't know if I'd know any of the rules and it used to be all

the rage. We used to play this game called Shithead at university. Yes, I remember Shithead. And you could get really drunk on it

and it'd be lots of fun. I couldn't tell you to play it now. No, and the only card game I used to know how to play it was Strip Poker on

the Spectrum. Was that a game on the spectrum yeah it was loads of dirty little games boobies boobies and downstairs boobies

downstairs downstairs what bollocks singular boobies yeah you'd play strip poker on the spectrum and you'd be treated

to a pixelated chest potato on the amstrad on the amstrad a little digitised picture of a lady Sam Foxtrot poker that was a famous one wasn't it

but that was how I learnt to play a very specific kind of poker by myself as a teenager. So if you win the hand, the pixelated lady takes a light of my clothing off? No, if she goes bust. If she's got $200 and I take all that money off her. You can't go bust in poker. What?

You can't go bust. Bust is 21, isn't it? Well, no, as in she loses all of her money. Right. And then she takes off a part of her clothing. Is this problematic? What do you mean? Is it problematic?

Are you extorting women to take their clothes off on the spectrum? It's a video game. It was a video game that I played when I was a teenager. What about if you prefer looking at a man rather than a lady? I don't think there was that option

because quite frankly... It was the 80s. Yeah, exactly. It was the 80s. Yeah. Mary Whitehouse would have had her hair off because she'd lost $200. She was involved.

Right, let's have a break. When we come back, we'll do some of your emails and talk a bit more nonsense. This is the Luke and Pete Show. I'm Luke Moore. He's Pete Donaldson. If you want to spend the time in the outbreak getting an email in to us, it's hello at lukeandpeteshow.com.

We are at Luke and Pete Show on Twitter. We'll see you in a minute This week on Stakhanov Over on the Luke and Pete Show we've been discussing our usual nonsense from Disney princesses to fizzy lagers and a whole load more here's a taster of what's been on the show

for some reason our little recording system has got this piece of music installed I think it's incidental music in a sex ed BBC Two 10am kind of job. No way! It is. It's too groovy. It's too groovy. Yeah, it's like, now on BBC Two, sex and your child. Meanwhile, over on WrestleMe, we've

been doing the 12 days of WrestleMemus, which you can find on our Patreon or your favourite podcast player. That's why also America is like

leading the world in serial killers, you know, because they have room. They have room to dismantle, to dismember, to make marionettes.

Over here here very difficult to be a serial killer I would knock into things I'd get blood everywhere but there's always some nosy beak isn't there someone sticking

their nose in where it doesn't belong all that and more at Succarnaus of course Luke you didn't have to actually win at poker. You could just swap around the image files on the floppy disk if you were clever.

Are we back on? Yeah, we are. It's time to read out some bloody emails. Luke, have you got an email for us? I have. This one is probably outside of the Christmas window. Right. But I'm going to give it a little pass because it's a great email, so I'm going to

read it anyway. It is a Christmas-themed one. Did you still get your tree up? Yes. Then we're still allowed to read it. My wife refuses to take it down. Good. I thought I'm going to give it another week or so, definitely. Yeah, I think we're probably going to go to the end of Jan. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm game for a bit of that, to be honest, yeah.

High-level summit above my pay grade, but the decision was passed down. The problem with trying to get fit as well in January is there's still leftover food from Christmas. There's so much tat in our house. Yeah. So much cat. But the trick, not to be boring about it,

but the trick is you can still eat all that food. You just don't eat it all at one go. Isn't it? Where did you fucking go? Sorry. Dan's been in touch. I'll eat all of it. I'll eat all my

Haribo strobs that's not Christmas food there's no place for Haribo at Christmas the problem with having a reputation as someone with a sweet tooth is that everyone

buys you sweets over Christmas well how's that a problem because you've got to eat them like food what's the most have you gone through

two packets of Haribo in one day oh mate more than that more than that really More than that. Really? Old drums of Quality Street. I'm disgusting.

Dead at 50. The thing is, that was charming and quite risque when you were 27 and saying that. Now it's like... You're 40 in April. Yeah. Oh, I tried a new kind of viennetta over Christmas. Oh, no.

They do a salted caramel one. It's quite nice. Also a pound at Iceland, is it? It's very affordable. Very affordable. at Iceland, is it? It's very affordable. Very affordable. But yeah, good. I enjoyed it. You were honestly arguing

last time we were in the studio together that Viennet has worked that bad for you. Viennet with Baileys on it. Because it's all crap. It is. Well, it's all... What do you mean? As in...

Yeah, it's all chemicals on it. It's all chemicals. It's very processed, let's say. I don't think it's... I don't think it's good for you, mate. No, it's definitely not good for you. I mean, they try and say there's seven servings in it.

I've got two out of it. How outrageous. Two. Yeah, the serving size is problematic though, isn't it? Seven. Have a word with yourself. So you've got,

you've got 120 calories per 100 grams. Oh, right, okay. And it's 650 grams. I'm surprised it's even that heavy, to be honest. One Viennetta. Yeah.

So you're looking at probably, I don't know, I don't know, maybe rudimentary mass, maybe about 900 odd calories. People have done it. Summer wrestlers do it. People in this room have done it. Email from Dan. Anyway, hi, Dan.

He says, lads, just been catching up on your episodes before Christmas and heard the story about the mother not going to a nativity play because her kid was a tree. Do you remember that, Peter? Yes, I do. It was so cruel. Dan says, this year, my three-year-old point-blank refused to be a shepherd

in his nursery nativity because he wanted to be a worm. Aw. He subsequently dressed up, not very wormy. I think it was a donkey costume adapted to suit, and threw himself into the nativity with gusto. He's credited at the end of the DVD we got as Christmas Worm and I've never been prouder of him for standing his ground.

Lots of love, Dan. I like that. Yeah. That's a story. When he's older, that kid, he's going to be interesting. I think that's a lovely bit of supporting someone who's got a dream by the teachers as well allowing them to be

allowing it to be a Christmas worm I'd probably I'd probably just tell him he was a worm make him a new shepherd those three anyway

thanks for that Dan fantastic lovely old job got an email from we got Connor T you put this email down but I'm stealing it

because I also had it a policeman with credentials gets in touch you were asking a little earlier on in our run this Christmas season whether having sex in the street is illegal

and it's we found out that it isn't speaking of some of your nights out trying to get Marcus to drink Baileys reminding me of a night out with the four of you ramblers and the incredible Doc Brown in Hive

Edinburgh following your live show in 2015 good night out do you remember it? good night out yeah I remember good night out I don't remember Hive, Edinburgh, following your live show in 2015. Good night out. Do you remember it? Good night out. Yeah, I remember. Good night out. I don't remember Hive. I remember not being able to get into a couple of places because there was a queue. Remember queues

for stuff? Yeah, fucking hell. Far too many Jäger bombs and maybe glitter bombs were consumed as we kept buying rounds of them. And since Marcus doesn't drink, there were plenty of spares for Pete and you to knock back. See the attached picture of boozy Pete and me doing a fucking stupid pout.

I look back and cringe, thinking I was probably very annoying back then, but from multiple blurry photos, it seemed fun. And apologies if I wasn't irritation. I really enjoyed that. No, listen,

apology accepted, but you were a fucking disgrace, Connor. Yeah. Anyway, I'm now working as a detective, so watch yourself. I retract that. Yeah. Having been I'm now working as a detective, so watch yourself. I retract that. Having been in the police since 2013

and can confirm sex in public is indeed illegal. The offences would either be exposure, getting the gentles out, intending to be seen and cause someone else's harassment, alarm or distress, or all three. Can it be? Yeah, you're not intending for them to be seen. If anything, you're trying to hide them on the male part.

So just by getting the old chap out, being seen with your old chap out is harassment. Yeah. It worries me because I've done that with male friends. Or outraging public decency. A common law offence meaning committing an act of lewd, obscene and disgusting nature. I suppose it makes perfect sense because if you're one of those people who goes around flashing, that's harassment, right? That's harassment, yeah, yeah.

Is that an asexual? Yeah. Yeah, if you're outraging public decency in a public place where at least two members of the public have witnessed it. Why is that the cut off? I don't know. Corroborating the witnesses. Exactly. Exactly.

Which way was it? Remember the Rebecca Luce sort of trial where it's like, it's got a distinctive bend to the left or the witnesses. Exactly. Exactly. Which way was it? Remember the Rebecca Liu sort of trial where it's like, it's got a distinctive bend to the left or the right. Oh. A lot of that going on. Yeah. I will try and recall

some of the more amusing circumstances I've happened upon in my line of work over the past few years and share if I am at all able to. The last part of the actual situation, the public place where at least two members of the public have witnessed it, is kind of the sticking point.

And I'm generally aware of colleagues who have come across, pardon the pun, this kind of behaviour on the night shift as it meanders around, dealing with it by causing as much embarrassment

as possible for the copulating couple and then moving them on with words of advice. Words of advice? Like what? Do it a bit harder? What?

Like kind of rating them? Words of advice? What do you want to do a book of the calm sutra yeah um yeah um cheers and i hope you managed to be okay with the late notice tier four christmases always good to check on in on everyone the listeners will always be here for you if it's tough on a t is nice community policing on the look and feel show. Yeah, thanks, Colin. As the man, as the copper who found the Yorkshire Ripper on that Netflix documentary. Very polished documentary about the Yorkshire Ripper.

Was it good? Just good coppering. It was just good coppering. Is that what he said? Yeah. I mean, they dropped a lot of balls in that. And then it just came around to a bobby on the beat. Just sort of found him.

Is it a good documentary, that? You know of him and I'm certainly more interested in the maniac that was Wearside Jack to be quite frank but it is an interesting little

kind of vision of England in past times amazing footage he was the bloke who pretended he was the ripper and it focused

all of the police's attention towards someone coming from Wearside and stuff. And so they got all these experts in and stuff. And the hapless detectives in the Yorkshire branch were obviously focused on this guy being from Wearside. And he wasn't. He was from Yorkshire, I believe. Yeah, because Jonathan Wilson, friend of ours

and frequent collaborator. Was Wearside, Jack? No, his dad was questioned as suspected of being the Yorkshire Ripper because of the... The Wearside connection. They were hunting a Wearside accent, a beard and some kind of jacket. Right, okay. And at one point the manhunt was so large.

I mean, there's so many resources. They were just basically talking to everyone who fitted that, basically. Right. Which is kind of mad to think of. Yeah. But that documentary's good, is it? Yeah, really, really interesting.

I do enjoy a true crime documentary, but as I've said to you before, I find it, I get a bit queasy, the amount of stuff that's on TV about people who've just killed women. Yeah. It becomes a bit... Remember we talked about it,

when Zac Efron started playing, what's his name? Bundy, I want to say. Ted Bundy. Yeah, I mean, it's a bit much. It's a bit glamorous for my taste. Well, he was kind of a glamorous murderer, wasn't he?

He was kind of like this good-looking, kind of like women wanted him and he was a bit of a pin-up when he was in court for murdering a lot of fucking women. Right. Incredible. Incredible. And just, again, stories of bungling,

well, a police force system that wasn't really, didn't really fit the crime of the day because they didn't communicate across state lines and stuff. And you could just murder, cross state line, murder, cross state line, murder, and just keep on going going like in the wild west where you could just commit a crime and go to the next town baby damn right baby yeah opposite to you then ted bundy because you're not a pinup but also you haven't killed anyone no so sweet to run about um let's get out of here peter there's about enough time for this um this episode um we will be back on thursday

with another edition of this nonsense as I said just before the break hello at LukeandPeteShow.com to get in touch we are at LukeandPeteShow on the Twitter as well this is a

Stakhanov production thank you very much someone does that at the end mate you don't have to do that oh yeah they do don't they yeah shout out to Natalie Wilson for the edit

and the production skills and shout out to you lot for listening we'll see you on Thursday say goodbye Peter goodbye Peter say goodbye from me as well this was a Stakhanov production

and part of the ACAST Creative Network