The Luke and Pete Show - Petey Fake Legs

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Pete’s bought a pair of fake silicon legs! Confused? We were too. Find out why on today’s show.Once we’ve heard about that we go on a hunt to find our tallest listener and we also start reading out your ghost stories. Spooky!Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke of Peach, you're welcome to it, you are welcome to it. It is Monday, it's Monday the 11th of September. My name's Pete Donaldson, I'm joined by Mr. Lukey Moore. I'm recording this a little bit earlier because I am off to Japan for the first time in a long time. Did I tell you about my fake legs I bought? The fuck are you talking about? Obviously not. No.

By all means, open with this. What a great start to the Monday this is. I've bought some silicon legs. I mentioned it on the Ramble a little while ago. In onsens you know like the hot baths and stuff i thought you were allowed in them because your tats is that why you're doing this you got me fake legs i bought off of shine um i i'm not really sure i'm not really sure whether i'm i mean because shine's a bit of a political hot potato isn't

it's fast fashion and you know people don't get get paid very well and they've spent a lot of money on bringing a load of cloth fashion influencers over who have been brought to a really swanky, futuristic factory where a lot of people on the surface are treated quite well. And they're going,

well, I don't see any issues. I don't see any issues. Like when Franz Beckerbauer visited Qatar ahead of the World Cup exactly exactly that sort of care but I bought some some fake

silicon socks which I don't think anybody I think I mean they mainly would be produced by a by a

presumably some kind of machine but they're basically just a pair of socks that you put on and they're I think they're medical of some description. Sound like it, yeah. They'll let you in with those on the wall.

They'll turn a blind eye to that. It's like a brown paper bag. I think they look so medical that to tell me off would be... Implied. ...disablist, I think, yeah. So I think I've made myself look so rather strange down there. I think they would probably go, that guy has got fake legs,

so I'm not going to bother him. He's also got a really painful nut sack at the moment. He's got an inflamed nut sack. But yeah, so I've cut off the sock bit and I'm just sort of wearing them as kind of like pop socks,

but they're like flesh coloured and slightly dusty. They've put talc on them so you can get them on easier you are what does the part that you've got access to think about this um she wasn't impressed by i mean but and also like the color of them are like uh i think they they're they're they're they're skewing to more of the kind of like um like a color that isn't my skin basically right so so they look like just like i've had skin grafts do you think that

when the partner you have access to agree to go get into a relationship with you do you think she underestimated the amount of admin what uh emotional admin no i i look on this holiday i'm carrying all of the clothes everything i'm all on my back on a big bag big camouflage 10 liter bag or something and i'm carrying everything because I want to have a good time. But all the admin's on me. I'm sorting this all out. But I think the emotional admin of watching me put on medical old person kind of silicon socks just to go in a bath,

I think it might be a bit too much. But it's a big part of the culture, isn't it, in Japan? You've got to really experience it, right? Yeah, I think so. And it's just a shame that they won't let people in with tattoos on their legs, even though I've been in before. I realised the other day, there's a place down on the cut in Waterloo. I forget the name of it now.

But Brassel took me there for the first time. And I've really enjoyed going there ever since. I like the cut. It's good. It's a Japanese restaurant. It's nice. It does these bowls of food. And almost like a poker bowl, but it's a japanese restaurant it's nice right it's like it does these bowls bowls of food and um almost like a poke bowl but it's hot and um it's like a yeah like a rice bowl or something and the egg they put in at the end they call an onsen egg oh right okay so it's like a poached

egg right yeah so it's been boiled yeah so that so that's basically what's called that right i guess so yeah because you have them in volcano in onsen towns you do it what it's called, that, right? I guess so, yeah, because you have them in volcano towns. In onsen towns, you do. It's invariably run by a mad volcano that's angry all the time. Well, surely they can't administer the town. Well, you pop in and they give you a bit of food to cook, and you sort of basically cook them in the sulfur-y waters of the volcano. Right, that's why.

Interesting. Okay, so's why. Interesting. Okay, so you reckon they'll let you through with that on your leg? I reckon they'll... I'll have a go. I reckon they'll be fine. And a lot of the time out there, you can just sort of go, I'm English, I don't know what's happening. You can't get away with that.

So, Peter, at the time of recording, you're flying to Japan tonight, right? Tonight, yeah. What time? Seven. So what time were you aiming to Japan tonight, right? Tonight, yeah. What time? Seven. So what time were you aiming to get to the airport? Five?

I don't know. I'm not an airport guy, really. What does that mean? I mean, I just don't like hanging around airports needlessly. It's a waste of everyone's time.

But you're kind of a bit of a hair on fire type though, aren't you? Yeah, I'm a lot of running. Yeah. I mean, what I like to, if I've got a late flight, because like, aren't you? Yeah, I'm a light of running. Yeah. I mean, what I like to... If I've got a late flight...

Because my kind of... My working schedule... Schedule. Yeah. I've got a real issue with schedule. I would say schedule, but I understand why you said that. Yeah.

Is it schedule? Are we schedule? No, America's a schedule, aren't they? I find it annoying when people say tissue. Tissue? Who says tissue? Instead of tissue. It's what posh are scheduled, aren't they? I find it annoying when people say tissue. Tissue? Who says tissue? Instead of tissue. It's what posh people say, don't they? Oh, right. Tissue. Tissue.

But I would say that... We're scheduled, aren't we? I'm sorry, I say schedule. I don't know if that's right or wrong. I think Americans are scheduled and we're scheduled, but I've got a real issue about it and I get really wound up about it. Anyway, I get up at like quarter past six these days and I sit at the dog. Quick Chinese.

I basically have a bit of leftover Chinese. Yeah. And I find that my working day starts at like about quarter past seven these days. And then I have like a dog walk at one. And so today it's all been kind of disrupted because I was doing that quite early. But now I don't have the dog walk to factor in. So what am I going to do for an hour?

Yeah. You know what I mean? What will you do? Just look at producer Rory, I suppose. Yeah. Lucky him. Feed him his dog food. He has to be walked by you and he has to have his dog food.

He has to be walked. I think producer Rory should be walked by you. Pete, where are your dogs at the moment? He's gone kennels. He's gone kennels. And it's a nice kennel. So they stay in a week in the kennels, and then the in-laws are taking them for an extra week.

So, yeah, I got a lot out of it, I think. There was a big old dog next to him in the kennels, and he's like, ro, ro, ro, and they're having a right old chat. Oh, that's nice. But it must have been the first time in ages you've been on a proper long-haul flight, right? Yeah. So what do you reckon your technique will be for passing the time these days?

I've got a Steam Deck now. Oh, right. I've got a Steam Deck now. I'm going to play some Humanity, and I'm going to play some games I've not played yet. It's very rare. You'll know this more than me, but it's very rare that you get more than an hour

where no one can contact you, innit? People are sending you WhatsApp messages all through the day. That was one of the nice things about being on paternity leave. There's no expectation on you. People respect it. There's no expectation on you at all. It's kind of a weird feeling.

You feel like you're dying. You feel like you're dead. I felt like the world was passing you by without you being a part of it. It was very, very strange. But Peter, because I know that, sorry to bring this up again. Right. But the interest of transparency. Okay.

I mean, when you once popped a blister all over that Jewish lady. Yeah. On a plane. Yeah. And have you served your ban now for that? No fly ban. I don't know.

The night before you went to fly away to go somewhere, you dropped a boiling hot pot noodle on your foot. Yeah, that had the potential, and I should have gone to A&E, I think, for that. That was a stinking situation, and there was too much skin off my foot. There was just too much skin off my foot. I could have done with the silicon socks. But for the rest of the time, I had this weeping, oozing, brown sort of skin.

It wasn't even scabbing. It was just wet and yellow and infected. It was about the size of and infected. It was like, it's about the size of my mouth and nose combined. It was like a big old burn and I should have got it seen to properly, but I

wanted to go and get drunk in Nashville. So that's what I did. So you're enjoying a celebratory, demob happy, ready to go on holiday pot noodle. Yeah. And you just poured a load of boiling hot water on your foot. What a shame. What a shame. And I just spent the whole holiday with a really painful foot

that I had to... I bet you were so grumpy. I can just imagine how grumpy you were. No, I don't think I was. I know it was my own cross to bear. But, yeah, there was nights out I was having, and I was like like even i am pissed up my mind but this is agonizing absolutely agonizing um and i was limping around awful

limping around with a oozing burn on my foot oh we're wearing little plimsolls was it the fact was it the fact that like the altitude pressure change made it pop? Yeah, I think that was... Yeah, if you ever get a bag of crisps, they're usually quite taut, aren't they? They're kind of full of air. But it was like that, but with fluid from broken down cells in my foot. But you won't hopefully have any of that kind of hardship

when you fly out later. Hey, that's why I'm eating a poke bowl. They ain't going to scald me. Stay safe. Stay poke bowl. Stay safe. Stay safe. Stay poke bowl. Stay safe. Stay poke. And then, because I've heard that the flight to Japan is really hard

because you fly in the evening. You fly all the way overnight. Yeah. And then when you get there. It's 5 p.m. It's just confusing. Yeah, it makes you, it's crazy, right? Yeah, it's pretty wild.

What's your tactic? What's your jet lag tactic? I don't know. Because normally you just get pissed, right? But you can's pretty wild. What's your tactic? What's your jet lag tactic? I don't know. Because normally you just get pissed, right? But you can't do that with your lady friend. Why can't I? She gets pissed with the best of them. Yeah, I don't know really.

You're quite belligerent, aren't you? That's what I mean. I think... You've got a problem, haven't you? I would say that my limits of what I get up to on a flight these days is very much like Bloody Mary, maybe a beer or a wine with the main

anything more than that and you're feeling absolutely dreadful when you get out the other side isn't it yeah my friend who travels a lot for work long haul says don't eat on the plane, don't drink anything other than water on the plane I guess because he travels a load for work

he gets like the lounges and stuff right he's like eat your food in the lounge don't eat any food on the plane right

and don't drink because it just dehydrates you and makes your jet lag like 10 times worse because he's in a position where I think a lot of the time he has to get straight into the work

yes yeah that would be I think the romance of kind of like travelling for work and it's something i you know i really find would be really exciting but it's not because my own experience of travel has been like just dick about but like like sort of getting off a plane and then going straight into it it's just like oh man yeah it's not for me i don't know if i work at all i prefer being at home i'm a bit of a home body when it comes to that.

Peter, let's have a break. And when we come back, I want to do an email or two, but I've also got something else I want to talk to you about because we haven't talked about it yet. And although by the time this comes out, it'll be a bit out of date, it's still really funny, so we have to mention it. So stick around, and we'll see you on the other side of this. It's the Luke and Pete show.

I'm Pete Donaldson and I am pleased to announce that I, Luke, I'm going to be leaving Scooter Braun as a manager. I think it's about time. I'm not going to be

represented by that toilet man anymore and I want everyone to know that I'm moving on to bigger and better things outside of the Scooter Braun universe.

I can't believe anyone stayed with him after that Taylor Swift thing anyway. Yeah, but I mean, it's contractual, isn't it, I suppose? But, I mean, if he's already got all those people. He had your favourite, didn't he? Old Jepson. He did have Jepson for a while, yeah. He had Jepson. He had, I think he's got Bieber.

I think he's got Grande. Like, he must be quite good. Like, if he's got them I think he's got Grande like he must be quite good like if he's got them I know what you mean it's a pretty good track record isn't it

yeah it's not bad is it but he's had I think he might have had Kanye West for a while as well right okay how do you

do that well you're talking to a failed music manager so there's no point asking me well I just always sort of think that's why you see Blondie still do that. Well, you're talking to a failed music manager, so there's no point asking me. Well, I just always sort of think that's why you see Blondie still doing gigs, because they just signed

terrible contracts in the 80s. That's not why Blondie are doing shows now, Peter. That is why Blondie are doing shows now. She's not doing Glastonbury now because of the contract she signed in the 80s. I'm not saying that she's doing Glastonbury now, but she's definitely doing stuff like the Isle of Wight Festival and other ones because they signed bad contracts in the 80s. I'm not saying that she's doing Glassman now, but she's definitely doing stuff like the Isle of Wight Festival and other ones because they signed bad contracts in the 80s.

That means that they make minimal money out of the recorded music. I thought you meant that they were contracted to still do shows for them in 2023. No, that would be a Mike Ashley-esque contract that went for years and years. But they don't make much money off the music. They were absolutely much more

exploitative back then, so that makes sense. They very much money off of music. They were absolutely much more exploitative back then, so that makes sense, yeah. They very much have a modern music contract. But the thing I was training before the break that I just wanted to say to you, Pete, because we haven't discussed it between us yet, two words for you, Trump mugshot.

Isn't it good, though? It's like... Properly evil. Not bad. I don't mind it. He looks like's like... Properly evil. Not bad. I don't mind it. That was a good impression. He looks like... Someone pointed out

that Stanley Kubrick always did shots down the barrel of his main antagonists. Right. And he did it in a certain way where they'd stare at the barrel with their chin down, looking maniacal,

to really symbolize the height of their demented kind of evilness, right? Right. So the examples he used was Private Pyle, Full Metal Jacket, what's his name in clockwork orange um uh jack nicholson in the shining right and then they put the photos alongside and trump's mugshot is exactly the same it basically looks like it would stanley kubrick

still just slightly worse lit? And it's beggar's relief that people can't look at that and go, oh my God, this is not the guy I should be working with. Well, it's the collection of other core defendants who are, it looks like, you know when they take pictures of like Florida men and stuff, like people who've got caught with, you got caught off their heads in the street. Across with the monsters. Yeah, it's a little bit like that.

It's absolutely frightening stuff. It is frightening. I mean, we spoke about this last time, but I mean, this is just going to go on and on. I was well surprised to hear that Donald Trump only weighs 97 kilos. Come on. What's that in... 215 pounds. That's still not helpful. Okay on. What's that in... 215 pounds.

That's still not helpful. Okay, so that's like... How many? 96? 14 and a half stone. Right. That seems... He's quite tall, isn't he? And he's fat as hell.

That's my point. That's a lie, surely. So the press covered and released that he was listed in as a white male, 6'3", and weighing 215 pounds. Yeah. And then they had to lay a backtrack and say,

oh, those are actually, they're figures that came from the Trump camp. There's no fucking way. I'm 6'3", and I'm quite a big guy, right? I've not been 215 pounds for many a year. He's probably not even 6'3 then if he's if they're massaging

those he is very tall yeah but I think if they're massaging that numbers he may have KFA wrestler's height no I think he is

officially the second tallest president ever after Lincoln right Lincoln was 6'4 I think which is amazing

for the mid 19th century why did he wear that big tall hat then? Made him even taller. If you took that big, tall hat off, not a lot of people know this, but if you took that big, tall hat off, his head just went that high. Yeah, born. Just loads of born. What is remarkable for Abe Lincoln is that,

think of the nutrition that he wouldn't have got growing up, basically dirt poor in the early 19th century. So he could have been really tall. He could have been like eight foot. If he was drinking prime every day, he'd be eight foot probably. Well, have you seen that family where everyone's very tall? I think the daughter is like, she's like six foot, I think.

And then all of her family, I think her mother was a basketball player. And I think she was six two. Her brothers and sister, her other brothers are like six, five, six, seven.

And the dad is like hilariously 5'9". But what I like about it, the desperation of influencers, they started to make a bit of money and they started to do a lot of family stuff and TikToks about them being tall and what it's like to do this and what it's like to be a tall woman in dating

and fashion and stuff like that. But they just get desperate and they think no one's really paying attention and looking at old clips of them. And then the daughter keeps on pretending. She keeps on basically saying, oh, what it's like to date or what it's like to find new clothes

when you are six foot five. And then she's put her height up. So she's had to put her what it's like to find new clothes when you are six foot five. And then she's put her height up. So she's had to put her mam's height up at seven foot. And she's had to put her brother's foot.

And everyone's going, you're just getting tall. You reckon you're getting taller? You're like 27. The desperation of it all, man. But all I'll say to you is, if there's a pituitary gland problem, which happens with a lot of excessively

tall people, that never stops. No, no, I don't think that's the case. I'm not familiar with their output. I think they're just being silly. Robert Wadlow, the tallest man to ever live, you heard of him? He used to be outside Piccadilly, didn't he? Believe it or not. Yeah.

He's the tallest man recorded history. was born just after the first world war and died very young actually sadly in 1940 um he had i think a picture i don't know if he ever diagnosed it because it was such a long time ago but i think he had a um pituitary gland problem um and um which means that like i think what happens is like certain a certain gland starts to overproduce human growth hormone and so he was when he died he was eight foot eleven jesus christ that is that's that's the worst so like he, it's a bit annoying for him not just to be quite nine foot though. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll just be saying nine foot of it at me. How old was he when he died? 22. No, that's a shit. So, but he never stopped growing.

Right. So when he was 10 years old, he was, um, like ridiculous. And he also weighed 200 kilos. And, um,

he, um, he had a size 36 shoe yeah american on it no i've adapted that it's a 37 in american oh lordy wow yeah well yeah i think it's uh imagine him trying to find some silicon legs they couldn't they couldn't they couldn't help him sadly which is really it's a really sad thing I don't know if he'd be able to be helped these days but anyways

his coffin was 11 foot long I mean I think they almost certainly could because that's what I think Big Shaw had that

Big Shaw well they can just adjust it kind of do a bit dial it down yeah I think dial it down I think they even take them out

can't they those funny glands. Not sure, but I'd like to know. I'd also like to hear from our tallest listener, our tallest verifiable listener. We did that years and years ago, and people didn't really get involved. People should get involved this time.

Was it American Psycho, or maybe a Joe McInerney book, where somebody would take an adrenaline gland from someone and bite into it and get a massive high out of it. For some reason that's really stuck in my head.

That might be American Psycho. Is it American Psycho? I can't remember. But where would that fit in? The book is horrific. Yeah, it's absolutely horrific. It's almost unreadable.

Well, I saw last reading it on the train. I was like, if you don't know what that book's about, fine. But if you do know and you're looking at the woman reading American psycho the book like there's some absolutely horrific rat-based chat in that fucking really it's absolutely atrocious apart from the way um

yeah where the man eats the uh man i think the um the man feeds a man like a toilet cake a circular toilet cake with chocolate on it. And I was like genuinely going, you know what? I wouldn't mind that. That'd be lovely and refreshing. Lovely and cooling. I think it's,

yeah, so it's kind of, it's kind of a bit much. I remember like Brayson Ellis saying that when he filed the manuscript, he was like, oh, the publishers would never go for this. Right. Yeah. And the publishers did go for it. And he was like, oh, the publishers would never go for this.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the publishers did go for it and he was like, right, this is going to end my fucking career. And it just went massive. Let's squeeze a quick email in before we go

because a while back we talked about people's experiences of seeing ghosts and our friend Lucy got in touch. She said, my husband told me

you're asking for ghost stories. At the time, he rolled his eyes and is equally skeptical now husband told me you're asking for ghost stories. At the time, he rolled his eyes and is equally sceptical now, but I can absolutely vouch for what happened one particular evening with me. I'm a deputy head

in a village school that dates back to the late 1800s. So far, so good. We are right beside the church and graveyard and there have been a few supernatural events

over the years recounted by more susceptible colleagues. Susceptible in quotation marks. But they have always been laughed off. Anyway, every Thursday supernatural events over the years recounted by more susceptible colleagues susceptible in quotation marks but they have always been laughed off anyway every thursday the school hall is used for a zumba class and afterwards i lock up so i'm always the last person there and i switch off the lights and i set the alarms etc one thursday as i locked up suddenly cutting right through the smell of sweat and cheesy pe feet came the smell of what i thought was smoke it was such a sudden onset of smell that i thought something electrical had caught fire

but after a thorough search i found that it had all been switched off by the caretaker and locked up over an hour before the class as usual the smell was as strong as ever as though someone in the room had lit a cigarette and was now smoking it baffled by this and starting to feel a bit creeped out i quickly set the alarms and left the building later that night something made me look up the history of the school amid various pictures and names of past staff something caught my eye the headmaster from 1954 to 1970 was a mr c moss he had been a popular headmaster who supported all extracurricular activities in the school and could always be seen smoking a pipe. Was it Mr Moss making his rounds in the school that evening?

I'll let you decide, Lucy. What, you want to let me decide or do you want to let you decide? I'm just signing off the email that she signed off. Mr Moss smoking his pipe. It's not really a ghost story that. It's more of a kind of supernatural experience. Yeah, it's like the air con unit's on the fritz and you can smell some burning.

But that's the problem, isn't it? Because when you talk about this kind of stuff, you're talking about how your brain is responding to the senses, essentially, whether it's sight or sound or smell. It could easily be a malfunctioning momentarily between lucy's nasal glands right yeah brain or a yeah i mean and you know it's truly sometimes the body creates smells that don't actually exist that's what you say to your partner you

got access to right no i've got a dog i can okay i can easily blame it on him it's an interesting situation i think also one of the things that's interesting to me is that like these types of experiences they never happened oh i was actually walking down the road on the way to work and i was a bit late so i was hurrying and it was really busy oh and i saw a fucking ghost they're always like i was locking up an old victorian school on my own in the middle of the night. No one ever says they see a ghost in the middle of playing

a football match. No. Or, yeah, you're right. Or a velodrome. Yeah. Where's the,

why did ghosts hate cycling? Oh, I thought I was coming second in a race, but it turned out the first cyclist was a ghost cyclist. Was a ghost cyclist,

yeah. So I actually won it's food for thought and we thank Lucy very much for getting in touch I'm not saying I'm on the side of her husband

being sceptical or rolling my eyes but I am putting it out there for the listeners to enjoy and maybe they can draw their own conclusions and we'll do another

mini ghost story on the next episode because Peter that's all we've got time for today certainly have alright then let's get out of here i'm pete donaldson been joined by mr lukey moore uh for another luke and peter we'll a stack production and part of the acast creator network